Rate the above poster's character

@ Nick the Swing: Would you have any objections if I reviewed you, then? I feel the same way you do at times, but sometimes pointing out issues is a necessary evil — a practice that can help develop your own skills as well as the other writer's.

I'll post something as soon as I give it a close read. Maybe I can set you on your way.

And just so I can have a taste of that patented Troper Divine Judgment, I'll post a character of mine later.

edited 14th Sep '11 5:36:13 PM by Voltech44

My Wattpad — A haven for delightful degeneracy

I'll put my character in a new post, since the thread left me behind a bit while I was writing this up. (I may also do more reviewing later if the thread continues to be backlogged.)

The Dancer

• Genre: I'll just call it "fantasy."
• Setting: Begins Just Before the End, continues After the End and through the rebuilding process.

• Name: Early in her life, allows close friends to call her Leila (though see Trivia, below.)
• Race: Pale as the grave. (As for species, she's a demoness of the "tempter" subtype, a bit like a succubus*
  ^{The term "demon" is a bit misleading here, but it's more accurate than "revenant" and shorter than "living echo of a dead person's guilt," and it's the term her kind usually answers to.}
  )
• Age: The original Leila was in her late twenties when she died. The Dancer has existed for three years when the story begins.
• Appearance: Blatantly inhuman (the tail and third eye are something of a tip-off), but considered attractive by many. Usually seen wearing a low-cut dress, under the idea that flashing her cleavage will turn attention away from the scars on her throat and around her eyes. (If she needs to dress more conservatively, she'll wear something high enough to cover up the scar on her throat.)
• Desired role in story: Begins as the love interest of the original protagonist, Harry, but becomes the Big Good over the course of many years.

• Friends and acquaintances: Tempters are quite rare, so almost all of the ones in this setting are known to her (and most of them wind up working in the brothel she eventually becomes the proprietor of.) Later in her life, she becomes a surrogate parent to Corey (a boy who was orphaned and mortally wounded by the archdemon Marlowe, and whom she agreed to transform into an imp to save his life.)
• Love Interest: Leila was married to Harry, and the Dancer stays with him for the duration of his natural life (though he rejects the offer to transform him into a demon so they can be together forever.)
• Enemies: She was revived by, and bound to the service of, an archdemoness named Judith, and holds a significant grudge against her after being accidentally freed. Later in her life, she takes up Corey's grudge against Marlowe.

• Character History: Before the story, was a member of the Legions of Hell, although her ineptitude at combat meant that Judith more frequently used her . . . services to buy the allegiance of other demons. Becomes the most famous dancer at a high-end brothel (though, at her own insistence, she never has sex with the customers), and after the original proprietor's death, she winds up becoming the brothel madam*
  ^{there is a bit of real-life precedent for a famous dancer never having sex with the customers}
  .
• Skills and Abilities: As a tempter, she can make demonic contracts, slowly heal from most injuries*
  ^{though she can't fix the scars Judith gave her}
  , dance hypnotically (which she's very good at, even by tempter standards), and do an impressive trick involving a greased pole. She also has unarmed combat training, although she's not very good at it.
• Personality: The dance enlivens her, but she's usually quiet and thoughtful. (It helps that Judith rendered her mute, and artificial voiceboxes aren't invented until fairly late in this setting's history.) She's habitually organized, and good at thinking several steps in advance.
• Goal: She never expected to be free of Judith, so she starts off with no motivation other than a vague loyalty to Harry. As she gains power through being the primary seller of demonic prostitution, she begins to realize that she enjoys helping people, and becomes a benevolent (if somewhat sleazy) influence broker.
• First appearance: NSFW.
• Last appearance: So far, Corey's story.

• Character Trivia: She believes that she is not Leila, but a new person with Leila's memories, and believes the same holds true for other demons. As such, she will only revive someone as a demon if they are dead or dying and they still have obligations they'll need someone else to complete. (After Harry's death, she believes that if there's a heaven, he's happy there with the real Leila, and she wishes only that he'd left her a demonic companion in his image to ward off her loneliness. Corey, on the other hand, asked to become a demon, and she agreed because if he'd been left to die of his injuries, he'd never have gotten revenge on Marlowe.)

edited 14th Sep '11 6:44:50 PM by feotakahari

That's Feo . . . He's a disgusting, mysoginistic, paedophilic asshat who moonlights as a shitty writer—Something Awful

I would not object. Posting what I have is a big struggle for me. I am trying to overcome that and not be afraid of other people.

I have a question. What's "desired role in story" mean?

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am...

@ Murky Muse

You you get a 9! or a 10

Personality/Backstory : Nicely done. Great way to ignore the stereotypically gloomy orphans. My only question would be whether the mysterious figure being unknown is more cliche than him just busting in at the beginning. How does Fox know what he looks like? But I digress; I'm sure you have it figured out judging by the rest of your post, and not knowing all of the plot isn't a good enough reason to lop off a point.

Setting : Makes sense. I thought the East Asia was going to end up as a stylistic choice before I got to the part about the cat.

Role : Seems like a typical friendly anti-hero, but considering the broad scope of the term, I think that he fits it rather well. All in all, I think Fox reads like a well-developed character, but I really don't know if my reviewing skills are that good or not...

You're welcome! And the mercenary thing makes total sense.

edited 14th Sep '11 6:47:17 PM by Winglerfish

In this episode, Michael attempts to construct a time machine to escape debt and dinner party obligations.

@Mr AHR: Fair enough, and I'll be the first to admit that I wondered if I was misinterpreting the whole thing.

On an utterly pedantic note, though, your particular example

seems to have a glaring flaw in it (two, actually, considering that you cannot actually write a Woobie, as it's fan-based).

@Winglerfish: Thanks! (seriously didn't expect a 9)

As for what you pointed out, the plot starts with a mercenary that comes looking for Marigold and ends up killing her (though she repaids the favor before bleeding out). Fox is smart enough to realize mercenary = someone had to hire him. The plot largely involves trying to find out who that person is.

Not actually mentioned in my other post, but the Spindle is special even among other rune relics and is the goal of said mysterious person.

People are mirrors. If you smile, a smile will be reflected.

You know what? I'm bored and I've been Grinding so much in Devil Survivor I no longer can distinguish what fun is. Why not. Also, writing down the idea might get me to actually do something with it.

a) Overall background:

Genre: Urban Fantasy, Soft Sci-fi, Not-quite-metafiction

Setting: The Big Apple, the world's concentrated collective idea of what New York City is like

b) Personal detail:

Name: Jack Masters

Race: Idea (looks human)

Age: 28

Appearance: Brown-haired, good-looking but not especially so. Thin, but not malnourished Desired role in story: Protagonist

c) Relationship:

Identity of and relationship with father: Jack Masters IV, the fourth man to be the Jack of All Trades, Master of None

Identity of and relationship with mother: Erica Masters, still alive and frustrated that her son has taken up the family business

Identity of and relationship with siblings: none

Other relatives: none

Friends and acquaintance: Chigachgook the Noble Savage (his skin seems to have taken a bluish tint ever since the Avatar movie) Mister E, the world's greatest detective (Don't let that poseur Holmes tell you different) Mary the feminine ideal (has gotten a little tomboyish and bicurious in recent years) Bill Shakes the storyteller (He's had the job... a long time) Judas the Atoner

Love interest: Femme Fatale, the most dangerous woman in the world.

Enemies both major and minor: Fu Manchu the Dragon of the East, The Big Man the world's greatest gangster, Vladimir the Lord of the Dead, Isaac the Ghost in The Machine.

d) Character details:

Character history: Little Jack Masters was born of two worlds but up until his twenty-first birthday, the day his father died the human world immediately meant less to him. He was now given the title of Jack of All Trades, Master of None. Approached by Ben the Mentor he is told of his heritage as one of the world's most famous Ideas. Jack decides to take hold of his father's mercenary business. He'll do almost any job. For the right price.

Skills and abilities: Jack can do anything. That's right: anything. Karate, singing, piloting a helicopter, Japanese tea ceremonies, you name. The trouble is that he'll only be strictly average at any of them. Jack will always be decent but never excel. This is the power and limitation of being an Idea.

Personality: Fancies himself a hard-boiled detective archetype and generally tries to give off a Phillip Marlowe but doesn't quite pull it off due to being somewhat excitable. Also loves the occasional witty one-liner and jape.

Goal, dream and motivation: To surpass the limitations of being an Idea.

First appearance: Called in by Fu Manchu the Dragon of The East to rescue his daughter who has been kidnapped by an unknown villain.

Last appearance: n/a

e) Character trivia: Loves noir novels and films, was part of a team that recovered the Spear of Destiny and took it out of the Real World, has a strict thing about slavery and doesn't really like the cartoon animals in The Big Apple's central park.

edited 14th Sep '11 6:49:48 PM by Malkavian

"Everyone wants an answer, don't they?... I hate things with answers." — Grant Morrison

@Nick The Swing: Kept you waiting, huh? Well, let's get to it!

Character personality seems like the main idea focus here, so I’ll focus on that.

It looks like Matthew’s destined to go through some serious stuff, both in his past and in the story proper, so on that front he’s got some justification for being messed up. Also, it seems as if you’re planning on tackling those Marty Stu elements head-on by making him pursue that ideal — that in itself is pretty interesting.

On the other hand, I wonder just how much of Matthew’s personality can be attributed to his past. I’m not saying he doesn’t have the right to idolize his father, or question himself when his father dies, but just how much of an effect will it have on him in-universe? His friends and relationships should define his personality more than anything else — at least, in my opinion.

Last thing on the personality: I get that he’s got some serious issues, but I can’t really intuit what the Matthew of the present is like. I approve of him trying to be a hero and live up to his father’s legacy of sorts (I think there’s plenty of potential to be had on that front), but other than that, I’m drawing a bit of a blank. My heart says he’s a rather serious fellow, but then again what is a personality without a few random quirks here and there? Also, how does the whole “unstable personality” element materialize in-universe? Is he prone to fits of anger? Brooding? A Stepford Smiler, perhaps?

There are a few other things I’m wondering about. For example, the Love Interests section is HUGE — are all these girls going after him in turn? Do women that go after him drop like flies? Or are they a part of his harem? Sure, he may be handsome, but there’s a limit here that you’re in danger of breaking if you aren’t careful…

Likewise, what’s the extent of his powers? From what I could gather, he could pull power from the environment to bolster his high-end abilities, which is cool…the problem is, what’s the upper limit of that? Is there some drawback to using so much environmental Mana at once? Or are things balanced out by having enemies that are sufficiently stronger?

But questions and criticisms aside, I’ve got a positive vibe about this character. His backstory intrigues me, and makes me wonder just what the circumstances (and consequences) will be. There are a lot of questions that I have, but I think that’s a positive quality; a reader should want to engage with the story and character, and find out every secret. I think you’ve nailed that, even in this short description. I found myself wondering “What will this lead up to?” and “How will that pay off in the long run?” Put simply, Matthew’s a good jumping point into the world you’ve built, and the qualities that make him a hero — or at least, try to be — give him plenty of leeway for you to work with.

I don’t like giving numerical scores, but in the interest of the thread, I'll give it a go. While others may have different opinions (and I'd recommend seeking others' thoughts), I'd put Matthew somewhere between 7 and 8.5 — though based on potential alone and story elements I've yet to see, I'm leaning toward the higher end of that range.

tl;dr: You done good, Nick The Swing. Keep at it.

My Wattpad — A haven for delightful degeneracy

People who have not gotten a rating:

Punkreader

Animemetalhead

Feotakahari

Malkavian

—

nrjxll:

...wow. How'd I manage that SNAFU?

Read my stories!

@ Malkavian's Jack Masters.

• Personality rating: 9/10. Quirky but otherwise amicable given his establishment in the setting. Seems to fancy himself as an archetype of a different genre.
• Character backstory: 8/10. A tad cliche on the mentor bit and his dad dying but that's more than made up for by the line "he'll do almost any job...for the right price."
• Setting appropriateness: 10/10. He fits like a round peg in a round hole. (Or a round peg in a large enough square hole.)
• Role appropriateness: 8/10. Fits but in the typical ways a typical hero might fit.
• Trivia appropriateness: 10/10. Fits in nicely with the established quirkiness of a character trying to fit into a different genre than he's in.

My character comes in next post.

So here is my main character. Warning contains unmarked spoilers that I'm willing to show.

a) Overall background:

• Genre: Military Science Fiction/Space Opera
• Setting: At first (or rather Chapter Zero), San Francisco. Spreads across the stars as the series progresses.

b) Personal detail:

• Name: Mathias "Mat" Watkins
• Race: Terran
• Age: 24 for the bulk of the first book.
• Appearance: Fair skin, brown hair with matching brown eyes. Carries a diagonal scar on his left cheek from the first fight with Anzan.
• Desired role in story: Central protagonist.

c) Relationships:

• Tenchi Yamanaka (best "friend")
• Samantha Watkins (Younger sister, only living relative he has that he's aware of.)
• Matsui Yamanaka (Adoptive father figure)
• Colonel Barry Smith (Current commanding officer.)
• Captain Nathaniel Hawthorne (Previous commanding officer.)
• Anzan (Rival)
• Boren (Other rival and older brother to Soras whom Mat killed.)
• Daniel (Friend and fellow soldier)
• Mose (Lifelong friend since childhood. Secretly is Mathias and Samantha's biological father.)
• Jessebelle "Jessie" Marietta Noland (Squad mate/friend)

d) Character details:

• Character history: Growing up an orphan under state care for the first few years of his life with his younger sister Samantha, he befriends a local artisan Matsui Yamanaka who adopts him. Growing a friendly rivalry with Matsui's only son Tenchi he learns everything Tenchi learns in martial arts and more. During a day out on the town in San Francisco with Tenchi and Samantha, he encounters Anzan for the first time and picks a street fight with him ending with him staring down the blade of Anzan's sword and a deep slash to the left cheek. In part because of this he resolves to go into the military to see if he can cross paths again under more "favorable" conditions. Little does he know the era of the Twilight Wars is about to begin...
• Skills and abilities: A natural athlete especially in regards to traversing city environments. He learns quickly from things that interest him such as martial arts, baseball and other things like learning to pilot M-Techs.
• Personality: Often quite passionate at what he does. Prone to impulsive acts over careful planning. Fiercely protective of his younger sister to the point of standing against even impossible odds to protect her. A truly loyal friend to those he cares about even if he doesn't show it at the moment.
• Goal, dream and motivation: To ensure the good fortune he seeks for him and his sister to come true, hopefully creating a universe free of perpetual threats of war. Additionally he seeks to finish the rivalry started with Anzan. (The feeling is mutual.)
• First appearance: Outside the prologue, he appears as a seven year old child in San Francisco playing with his sister.
• Last appearance: This one is too spoilerrific even for me to reveal at this time.

e) Character trivia: Avid player and fan of baseball and fairly good at it too. Keeps his sister's locket after the battle at Tarsius as both a reminder of that day and as a promise that when he's fulfilled his promise to protect her until there are no enemies remaining. (He makes good on giving it back at the end of the series.) Lives by a code of honor that on occasion crosses paths with the plot. Enjoys B-Movie theatrics provided they are worth watching.

a) Overall background:

• Genre: Magical Girl , Teen Drama
• Setting: Queen City, Michigan; Northern State, Michigan; Gardenia Hills, Michigan

b) Personal detail:

• Name: Tomika Nicole Drake
• Race: Black
• Age: 16
• Appearance: "Glam Grunge" meaning she dresses somewhat messily, but does it on purpose. Chocolate brown skin, long black hair, purple eyes.
• Desired role in story: Protagonist.

c) Relationship:

• Identity of and relationship with father: Robert Drake and an undeniable Daddy's Girl to him
• Identity of and relationship with mother: Naomi Drake and she models her personality after her mother
• Identity of and relationship with siblings: Jina Marie Priscilla Cordova (half-sister). They started off with a great relationship as children, but grew distant as they got into their teens.
• Friends and acquaintance: Kerou Karlrissian, Allie Ronson, Jizzelle Quezada, Morgan Harischandra
• Love interest: Marc Kearney—leaves his role as the star of a hit Canadian Teen Drama to be with her in America
• Enemies both major and minor: Danielle Marcelle (Marc's co-star). The Super Kawaii Yakuza Girls (a gang to which her sister belongs)

d) Character details:

• Character history: Grew up poor in South River, MI. At age 13, her mother died and father went to jail, forcing her to go live with her "evil" half-sister Jina and her half-sister's mother Trecille Cordova. Since age 5, Tomika had been training with her mother to unlock the god-like powers within her as she was born with purple eyes like her ancestor Jules Lenoira.
• Skills and abilities: Can control nature, fight really well and cook really well, writes music and plays the guitar
• Personality: Overtly cynical, but loves her family and friends
• Goal, dream and motivation: To carry on the spirit of her ancestors whose kingdom to fell to French witches in the late 1800s, and protect the city from any evil with the help of her friends.

e) Character trivia: LOVES the 90s, scene/emo music, and television shows like 30 Rock or Arrested Development

edited 14th Sep '11 8:59:36 PM by PancakeMckennz

(屮≖益≖)屮 彡 ┻━┻ F*ck yo' table; Go read my book! —> http://goo.gl/mtXkm

Mathias

• Personality rating: 7/10. Being the kind of guy who picks a fight with someone he just met- for no apparent reason- doesn't really gel with me, but otherwise He seems like a decent guy.
• Character backstory: 7/10. Something about "orphan" and the previously mentioned fight-picking with apparently random strangers seems off.
• Setting appropriateness: 10/10. I mean... He's in the military. It's a military story. He has no overpowered qualities or stuff like that.
• Role appropriateness: 9/10. He works well as a hero, especially a hot-blooded one as you claim.

Trivia appropriateness: Can't really say.

edited 14th Sep '11 7:58:06 PM by SalFishFin

Leila

• Character personality: 7/10 It seems like the quiet and thoughtful thing wouldn't really work so well with someone who is an influence broker, but I suppose the muteness forces her.
• Character backstory: 6/10 — only because it's really hard to tell, you didn't give a lot of details.
• Setting appropriateness: 9/10 From what I can tell, very well, except for the odd mix of personality traits.
• Role appropriateness: 5/10 I don't know about this one — call me cynical but I don't know about her being able to wield enough power to be a Big Good.
• Trivia appropriateness: unable to grade. To be honest I would not consider what you put under "trivia" as trivial for the character.

edited 14th Sep '11 8:41:18 PM by OhSoIntoCats

Ugh, I hope this is not too long. This is for a story that is currently on hold.

a) Overall background:

• Genre: Urban Fantasy
• Setting: St Louis, MO. The point of divergence here is that elves decided to work for citizenship and rights during the Enlightenment period, and that set off a lot of other creatures to do the same. As of modern day, there are three different groups of “people” in law: “humans,” as in those who can die of natural causes and require normal sustenance (for example, werewolves are considered humans under law), “elves,” as in those who cannot die of natural causes and require some kind of magical sustenance (not all legal elves are actual elves — elves die of boredom, but a wila is considered an elf because she dies when her hair is plucked and not from heart failure or whatever), who normally follow human laws unless special laws are needed, as with inheritance law and etc. Aside from “humans” and “elves” there are “fey” which are intelligent creatures and meet the criteria of elves, have decided to remain outside of human culture and development, but are still afforded basic human rights. Things that are not considered people include actively harmful parasites like vampires and zombies.

b) Personal detail:

• Name: Irving Kil-Joy (Irv)
• Race: Human (witch)
• Age: 19
• Appearance: Slight build, light brown hair, lots of freckles, green eyes. He has the mark of the beast on his thigh (though, according to laymen, it looks like a birthmark shaped kind of like an octopus). He also has a botched tracheotomy scar given to him by some folks who didn’t know how to do Instant Drama, Just Add Tracheotomy properly. He also constantly smells of sulfur due to there being a Hell portal under his bed.
• Desired role in story: He honestly wished that this story had never happened, but sometimes that’s just the way things go. He learned long after he agreed to be a witch that he would not have a quiet life. So, I guess he’s a Reluctant Hero.

c) Relationship:

• Identity of and relationship with father and mother: Irving has lost his mother and father a grand total of five times — the Devil would call it carelessness, while Irving just considers it bad luck. For the first four times after they died, they were resurrected using infernal magic, leaving just enough of them there so that he’d have legal guardians. He had probably loved them once, but by the end they had just become zombies, tools for him to keep some semblance of a normal life to outsiders. The last time they died he no longer needed legal guardianship and to be honest he’s glad they’re gone. Rest in peace.
• Identity of and relationship with sister: The same fate of his parents happened to his sister, though not quite as many times, and somehow she’d managed to stay lucid throughout becoming a resurrected monster. For reasons she was unable to explain she really wanted to kill herself and she really hated her brother. Watching his sister go was particularly hard to watch, which probably had something to do with why he allowed her to date a boy he knew was a vampire. When she turned, along with his parents, he had to slay them. Rest in peace, also.
• Other relatives: Irving’s grandmother, Edna, was where he picked up the trade from. Edna had protected the portal to Hell nearly all her life, and she had intended to pass on the trade to Agatha (Irving’s sister) when she was old enough but Edna died too soon and Irving picked up the mantle before he knew what he was getting into. Despite all of the problems guarding the portal has caused him, he doesn’t regret it.
• Friends and acquaintances:

Baila: Irving’s familiar, a black cat who’s a demon. She snarks at him but also considers him a kitten, and thinks that if he’s good (or bad enough, really) he’ll be reincarnated as a cat. She likes sleeping on Irving’s face, and also enjoys being pet and playing with cat toys, which Irving thinks is undignified for a demon of her status.

Benno: an elf (alp) that Irving has known for a long time. Because Alps feed on bad feeling (which have been rampant at Irving’s house for a long time), they’ve gotten to know each other quite well and enjoy each other’s company. Benno complains that Irving doesn’t call him enough — Irving doesn’t seem to get that Benno would like to be more friendly rather than just being called up whenever something bad happens.

Adam: a friend from school who cries a lot for reasons nobody knows why. He’s actually an android (golem) who was programmed to cry and sweat at the drop of a hat because of newfound waterproofing technology, yet does not have a highly developed sense of smell. Because of this and Irving’s smell, they both ended up being social outcasts during school and became friends.

Gracie: the vampire hunter Irving hired. He doesn’t really like her methods and tries to refrain from criticizing her because she’s a professional. He also doesn’t understand why she’s being so nice when he’s being such an ass to her nor does he understand her caring about his well-being. Then he figured out that she wanted him to recover so he would help defeat the head vampire so that he understands.

Father Anthony: a Catholic priest that Gracie hired for vampire hunting purposes, who is also a reformed werewolf. He can sense that there’s something unholy about Irving, but is trying desperately to be polite about it. Irving’s afraid of him yet has to act as the mediator between him and Baila.

• Enemies both major and minor: Some cultists have this idea that if they sacrifice a virgin who protects a Hellgate (i.e., Irving) you can open up the Hellgate and all the demons will come spraying out. This isn’t true (Demons can leave whenever they want. They just choose not to), but unfortunately it’s such a widespread idea that Irving has a long history of getting kidnapped and almost sacrificed to open his Hellgate — this accounts for most of the scars on his body, anyway. Also, vampires. He doesn’t really like vampires much either.

d) Character details:

• Character history: Irving became the protector of the Hellgate and a witch at 6 years old. This was probably a bad idea. So, his true name is possessed by Satan, which pretty much means he’s on call and can be summoned at any time by the forces of Hell. So far, he has yet to receive a summons. Being protector of the Hellgate meant the many kidnappings and attempted sacrifices mentioned above, along with the deaths of his parents by these cultists several times. Also, because of his smelliness (as mentioned above) he’s a bit repellant to most others.
• Skills and abilities: Irving is pretty handy with a knife (and always keeps one on him so he doesn’t have to rely on a Conveniently Placed Sharp Thing). In addition to this, he’s also pretty flexible — Baila has recommended escape artist for him as a possible career choice, now that he has to support himself on his own. He knows the spells necessary to contain the Hellgate and move it if he has to. He also has the potential to do many witch things (fly on broomsticks, make witch knots, make brews, etc), but has not learned how to because, as Baila says, it’s a bad idea to give these sorts of powers to a moody teenager, though now that he’s older it’ll be time to try to learn some of them.
• Personality: In a word — bitter. However, he’s also extremely loyal and duty-bound.
• Goal, dream and motivation: His motivation during the course of the story is to kill the clan of vampires who killed his family. His dreams however would probably lie in not being so alone anymore. Being so smelly pretty much one’s entire life does a number on one’s ability to form interpersonal relationships. He’s extremely self-conscious of it and despite being able to find two people who can stand it he doesn’t really have much hope for meeting new people in the future.
• First appearance: Is standing outside in the rain in front of the Church Father Anthony works at because he’s afraid he’ll burst into flames if he enters holy ground.
• Last appearance: None yet

e) Character trivia: Sometimes, he wishes Baila had been a Hell Hound instead, because he thinks dogs > cats. His name comes from the fact that his Mother’s last name was Lovejoy and his Father’s last name was Kilgore, and he doesn’t like the composite one bit.

edited 14th Sep '11 8:43:27 PM by OhSoIntoCats

@feotakahari: a few details on your character sheet confuse me, but I will commend you on originality

• Character personality: 10/10
• Character backstory: 8.7/10 The story elicits compassion for the character. She has a nice 'humanness' to her with regards to emotion and relationships.
• Setting appropriateness: 8.5/10 I can understand how a brothel would be one of the primary things in business before or after the apocalypse. But is this set in "Hell" or in the living world?
• Role appropriateness: 10/10 I have to read your work to see how well you pulled off switching protagonists like that, but with that aside, I do like this character in the setting you've chose because it seems to be the core of her motivation against the antagonist.
• Trivia appropriateness: 10/10 The trivia definitely helps in understanding the aforementioned details.

Overall, I am impressed and I feel that this story might make a good movie. It seems to be a properly planned work and I'm interested enough to take a gander at your story.

edited 14th Sep '11 8:54:04 PM by PancakeMckennz

(屮≖益≖)屮 彡 ┻━┻ F*ck yo' table; Go read my book! —> http://goo.gl/mtXkm

Since I reviewed, I guess I'll take my turn and throw my character into the crucible.

Genre: Urban fantasy/ hints of steampunk/ possibly shonen-esque

Setting: A country roughly the size of Rhode Island, called Rhap City, which is partially situated behind a very large wall. While most of the city is quirky, but usually safe, the outer neighborhoods that used to serve as separate towns are either overrun with vaguely cartoonish monsters which are routinely hunted and skinned to make clothes and certain chemicals, or the sites of massive factories/eyesores that create such wonder-drugs as liquid happiness or slime-monster-esque robots to serve as a hive-minded police force. The lower reaches of the city, such as its cavernous sewer system that drains into the sea, are much more sinister, being even more overrun with monsters, crime, and people who can best be described as necromancer-technopath-gypsies. While it's very industrial and has a modern democracy, handguns are fairly uncommon, promoting such normally anachronistic weapons as swords, spears, and boxing gloves on springs.

Name: Will Carabine

Age: 17-18

Appearance: he's 5'11'' tall, weighs 170lbs, and is somwhat skinny, but well-muscled from his occupation. he has thick, shaggy brown hair that ends somewhere around his jawline and curls slightly at the ends. He's clean shaven because he hasn't even started to grow facial hair for some reason, has blue eyes, a thin face, and pale skin. He has somewhat thin lips, and a boyish nose. he has some freckles, but they're only really noticeable in sunlight. He dislikes shorts, likes long-sleeved shirts, and usually wears what can best be described as cargo pants and a cargo-shirt with pouches that zip up along his arms and custom-made holsters on his pants.

Desired role in story: Deconstruction of A Father to His Men / antihero.

Parental relationship: His dad walked out on him; he doesn't know his dad's name and doesn't want to know. His mother's name is Coral Carabine, boss of a good-sized cable car line that spans the city. He worries more about money than his mother does and tries not to be a burden; getting his junior monster-hunter's license at age 12 and his adult license a year earlier than normal at 15. When he later stops hunting monsters and starts thieving from happiness factories to fund his schooling, he feels physically sick about deceiving her into thinking that he's still hunting.

Friends: His three best friends are; Charon Wiles, an analytical deadpan snarker who is pretty much the blue oni to Will's red (as well as the opposite). He comes from a wealthy family and originally joined with Will to see if it was exciting or not, and he was hooked. He and Will are intensely loyal to one another and he joins Will's raids on the Happiness Factories to keep an eye one him. Will's optimism sometimes amuses him, much like Will finds his cynicism funny at times.

Will has known Marion Schneider for a longer period of time; he followed her father on practice hunts before she joined a few months later. She's a tomboy who's always outspoken and sometimes caustic, but Will learned to take it in stride, sometimes throwing her remarks right back at her. While she has a softer side, she never fully reveals it, preferring to look "strong", as she puts it. Will takes this in stride, too.

Loch Schneider was the fourth member of the group and Marion's younger brother. Unlike Marion's Lancer-ness, he was more of a tagalong kid, learning fast from the other three. Will thought of him like a younger brother and watched out for him, until the day he was mauled by a monster deep within an abandoned neighborhood, dying before the group could get help. Even after a few months off hunting, Will still feels responsible for his death, suffering horrible nightmares.

Enemies: Mode (not his real name) is a child prodigy who employs others to steal raw materials from various factories, modifying them to perform new functions and selling them off on the black market. He's an arrogant perfectionist who tends to be abusive when his commands aren't carried out as he wanted. The cocktail of reaction-enhancing drugs place his fighting abilities far above most would-be Starscreams. After Will stops hunting, Mode offers him a relatively high-paying job.

History: Will had a fairly good childhood and wanted to become a conductor when he grew up, but became a fairly accomplished monster hunter instead. Over the course of six years, he met Charon, Marion, and Loch, and formed a team that became like an extended family to him. But when Loch died , he stopped hunting, not wanting Marion or Charon to get hurt, either. Caught between a job he was afraid of and a job he saw as dishonorable, he chose the dishonorable one rather than face the monsters again. While the dangers of going into the factories included being locked up as an unwilling worker of the factory, he reasoned that it was about as dangerous as hunting.

Skills and Abilities : He's proficient with the Flux-guns made for him by Marion's father, either firing them or removing the Magitech cartridges and clubbing enemies at close range. As a result of studying different maps of the city, he has a fairly good sense of direction. He is also extremely athletic and acrobatic, but it's not particularly uncommon among successful monster hunters. He also has an eye for art and likes to make sketches of any interesting buildings he sees in his spare time, but his painting and modeling clay skills leave much to be desired. After hundreds of trips across town, he knows how to operate and navigate a cable car across the city.

Personality: generally good-natured, but became more uptight after the hunting accident, vowing to fight to the death for everyone else he loves. He has a competitive spirit, but dislikes arguing with people over things he sees as pointless (except for Marion). He gives help when requested, whether he's hunting or just walking down the street, but he'll generally let people handle stuff if it looks like they're not struggling too much. He likes Marion in a semi-romantic way, but he knows that Marion would most likely laugh in his face and challenge him to a duel on principle, something he would like to avoid. Aside from threatening his mother, one of his biggest berserk buttons is making threats about people who can't defend themselves. He also recognizes the backwardness of working in a job he loathes because he's afraid of a job he used to love. He's also a lot more openly sentimental and nostalgic than Charon or Marion, although he tends not to show it much in public.

Goal: His main goal was to make enough money that he can pay for classes at the Glassworks, a large private school for various majors in business. Then, he would intend to get a job at Ciel Blanca, the largest transportation organization in the world, and eventually work his way to the top, where he would connect Rhap City to the rest of the world, eventually leading to increased commerce and more business for the trams as a whole. After dealing with Mode, he considers a position as a inspector for the government. Another goal, played for laughs as a Tragic Dream ,is to ask Marion to go out with him.

First Appearance : Splitting a chimaera cub's head with a wooden sword. He was 13.

Last Appearance : Collapsing as he watches Mode escape.

Trivia:

• He dislikes firing his guns in crowds, usually loading the flux cartridges in on-site. He makes an exception for Mode.
• While he sold most of his toys from when he was little, he still has a blue chimaera to remind him of the first monster he killed.
• Following the accident, he temporarily became addicted to bottled happiness, which is basically an alternative to alcohol, sans calories.

Boy, I wrote a lot!

edited 17th Sep '11 11:02:57 PM by Winglerfish

In this episode, Michael attempts to construct a time machine to escape debt and dinner party obligations.

Just to reply to Voltech:

Yeah, the idea was to deconstruct several tropes with Matthew.

The effect, while lessened due to the friends and surroundings, was huge in-universe. It even lets the Big Bad manipulate his need for friends to pull him through.

The present day Matthew is more of a Stepford Smiler, he is concerned that, if he breaks the facade of being perfectly happy, well...its not pretty for anyone involved. While the Nice Guy and a very self sacrificing hero, if you make Matthew frown, run.

Matthew's Harem is enormous. He doesn't know a thing about romance, though, due to his...upbringing, or lack thereof. He's positively confused why these women are acting so strangely around him.

The downside to this is that while most enemies can use vast numbers of spells and abilities, Matthew can only use very few spells. One of which is like Getsuga Tensho Everyone and their mother in this book can sling around energy blasts, the other two are Flight and Blade Rave, which lets him summon a lot of generic swords and sling them at a foe. And he barely has any training in how to do even this. And for those mythical weapons, he'll need some training from hell. Otherwise, he can just increase his capabilities with Mana, which is a BASIC TECHNIQUE for a Magical Swordsman.

All the issues are really coming to head in the upcoming arc. I will be posting the chapters on fiction press.

Thanks, this really means a lot to me.

• post deleted by self due to spoilers*

edited 15th Sep '11 12:44:37 PM by KyleJacobs

I'm kinda confused now, since the next poster and such don't write reviews/criticism of the previous poster. I'll go do Wingler's since he has the last detailed post.

• Character personality: Hmm... he actually looks fine so far, and he has a pretty average personality. Nice to see him have some vice too.
• Character backstory: So far it fits the setting, and his professionalism adds more to the Monster Hunter-esque environment.
• Setting appropriateness: As stated before, it essentially is more like an urbanized Monster Hunter. With that said, I can't seem to find the A Father to His Men aspect.
• Role appropriateness: At least he has a goal that makes clear on what his role is. Though it needs a little more on him failing a bit, I guess.

This thread is moving really fast, but I would also give Murky Muse's character a very high rating. He feels solid and well-thought-out.

And writing mine...

a) Overall background:

• Genre: Henshin Hero with some sprinkles of Sci-Fi
• Setting: set in a modern city - Metrostar is pretty much a typical large city, especially when the main character is a cop

b) Personal detail:

• Name: Sirius Maxwell
• Race: the setting pretty much has Petting-Zoo People, but he's a dog. Right off the bat however, he is revealed to be an Humanoid Automaton Resonance Machine, a robot with an energy source called Infinitium, and he is a Super Prototype
• Age: in his memory he is 21 years old, but as a HARM he is roughly 5 years old
• Appearance: he looks like a German Shepherd, albeit lanky and grey. When his "skin is shed", he is a silver android with yellow eyes and blue streaks, with a lite and sharp build. His hands and feet have retractable claws too
• Desired role in story: essentially finding his purpose and reason on why he was build on the first place; throughout the story he would fight HAR Ms that went rogue, and he would sometimes angst on things like "false memories" and how killing the HARM would affect the person the HARM used to care for. In a way, I sort of imagined him like Megaman X.

c) Relationship:

• Filial relationship: his false memories state that he is raised from a (fake) orphanage that supposedly got demolished
• Friends and acquaintance: his co-workers - his superior officer, a cougar named Lt. Dumont (who acts as some sort of mentor) and a collie named Corporal Sheena (a partner who is also more experienced than he is). There is also a cat named Don Hughes, a researcher who contacts him on the wake of the first HARM attack and becomes the person he goes to for repairs and "reskinning"
• Enemies both major and minor: there are the HAR Ms - they are essentially androids like him, except the regular/mass produced model. They come in different shapes and looks and with different "skins" to hide. Originally, they were hidden by "skinning" them and giving them false memories. However, a bug caused them to go haywire and became feral robots. Note that their false memories do give them a rather genuine affection to the people they care, so Sirius has problems finishing them when given the details. All of this happened because someone wants to activate HAR Ms for personal use, and Sirius wasn't affected because he is a Super Prototype.

d) Character details:

• Character history: in a way, his "history" is false - he thinks he grew up from a now-gone orphanage, graduate from a police school with fake records, and is living as a rookie cop in Metrostar Police Force. What actually happened was that he was the first HARM to be made, complete with a functioning Infinitium. However, his Infinitium was deemed unstable during stress, so he was equipped with minimal weapons. He was put to rest for months in order to stabilize his energy source, all while mass producing HAR Ms that have stable Infinitium. He was deemed risky to use however, so he was sent to the populace earlier than the rest.
• Skills and abilities: he is somewhat average as far as cop skills are concerned. As a HARM, he has superheated claws that can even cause the scratch marks on the air to be visible flames! He has elbow blades hidden in his elbows which can be charged with electricity and supersonic vibration. He has a breath attack called Vulcan Ionizer Blast which releases a powerful balst of raw Infinitium energy, which causes him to tire out... at first. When he unlocks his potential, he becomes more powerful. The rules of Super Prototype apply to him.
• Personality: a bit shy and ditzy as he is a rookie. He angsts upon realizing what he is, changing his personality into a more confused person (even his superiors noticed his sudden change into a gloomy one). He gets better after a while, even becoming more skilled with his abilities, but even then angsts about realizing how people are losing their loved ones because the HAR Ms became berserk. It was only until Lt. Dumont dying (thus giving him a power up) made him resolved, after releasing some rage.
• Goal, dream and motivation: wondering why he exists in the first place and why he was given false memories. Fighting HAR Ms slowly link him to the first, while the last one is answered by his creator.
• First appearance: well, he is the main character
• Last appearance: he doesn't die

e) Character trivia: He enjoys milk and milk-flavored stuff, even chocolate. He hates shedding his skin and reskinning - the former because it's a bit squicky, with his skin and fur peeling to reveal his roboting self, and the latter because he always has to go back to Don's lab to restore his skin, and he ends up always being naked.

• Overall background:
  • Genre: Urban Fantasy w/Masquerade
  • Setting: Mainly New York, with some forays into Jersey and Philly
• Personal detail:
  • Name: Raymond "Ray" Mason
  • Race: Afro-Caribbean
  • Age: 16 at start
  • Appearance: About 5'8", but better built than average. Dark-skinned, dreadlocks.
  • Desired role in story: Main Hero
• Relationship:
  • Father:
    • Identity: Roy Mason, Previous wielder of a special magic, which was passed on to Raymond. Powers: He had all the power of a Physical God but was hampered by the fact that he was the Idiot Hero. And, yes, Ray inherits his abilities to some extent.
    • Relationship with: Strained/Estranged.
  • Mother: Emily Mason; Roy was the one who introduced her to magic. "Bad shit" happened, and she is currently in a Nursing home/psych ward with no memories of Roy or anything related to him. Knows Ray, but doesn't know he's her son.
  • Friends and acquaintances:
    • Alana [No Last Name Yet], Ex-girlfriend as of three years before the story starts. Still harbors feelings for him, and he knows it. Powers: Telepathy, Telekinesis, Aura-Tracking.
    • Blake Rock, boxer who was on his way to being semi-pro. "Bad shit" happened, he died. He was 15.
    • Paul and Mei Lin Rock, Part of Roy and Emily's Guild/adventurers' group. Ray lived with them since the day of the "bad shit." Parents of Blake and Tyra.
  • Love interest: Tyra Rock, a boxer following her brother's footsteps. She witnessed firsthand Blake's death and was severely traumatized (it was rather gruesome), and spent about 1/2 a year in therapy before she could function semi-normally. She knows she has feelings for Ray, but doesn't know if she sees him as a love interest, surrogate brother, or security blanket.
  • Enemies both major and minor:
    • The Big Bad, who I haven't fully thought up yet. he's basically out to control all the magic and become a real Physical God. Roy's (and now Ray's) specific brand/style of magic is the key needed to do this.
    • "Bruce": Also a member of Roy's guild/Adventuring group, he Face Heel Turned and set up a great deal of the "bad shit" that happened.
• Character details:
  • Character history: Roy was well-known in both the wide magical community and the small in which he grew up, so Ray had some big shoes to fill almost immediately. He did more than that. From the time Raymond was able to talk, he established himself as bright, charismatic, and wise beyond his years. He had the uncanny ability to comprehend things that should have gone over his head. Imagine his surprise then, when Roy, his hero and mentor and father, left and never came back. This was only a a few days before "bad shit" happened. He was with Tyra when Blake was killed, and for nearly two months after, he was preoccupied with just being there for her. It wasn't until after Tyra's recovery that Raymond started thinking of his own misfortunes, and even then he put them to the back of his mind for Tyra's sake. He and Tyra stuck around each other since then, and he realized one day that he likes Tyra as more than a friend.
  • Skills and abilities: Like Tyra, he's also a boxer, and even though she's been at it for longer, he's on equal footing with her, if not better. Besides his inherited magic abilities (which he doesn't really get until the start of the story), he's got the uncanny ability to anticipate an opponent's movements; he has a mind for strategy above anything else.
  • Personality: Honest, dependable, hopelessly romantic. He's got a competitive streak, and will let you know he's better than you when he wins at anything and everything. He likes the notion that people depend on him, and growing up without his father has made him very careful about ensuring the safety of the people he cares about.
  • Goal, dream and motivation: To find his father and punch him in the face; to stop a guy from taking over the world and stuff; to be the father Roy wasn't to anyone who needs his guidance or assistance; to establish himself as a different person than his father in the eyes of the community. Preferably in that order.
  • First appearance: Boxing match with Tyra.
  • Last appearance: Haven't gotten that far, yet.
• Trivia: For some inexplicable reason, he is aroused by the smell of almond oil. I will find some way to make this a plot point (not necessarily a major one) if it kills me.

edited 15th Sep '11 6:38:36 AM by SalFishFin

:3c

Swordsman Troper — Reclaiming The Blade — Watch