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Anime and Manga
H-hey young miss! I'm not a suspicious person! I'm not going to kidnap and eat you!
Akane: I'm not planning anything and I'm not hiding anything.
Akari: WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING AND WHAT ARE YOU HIDING!?
Akari: WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING AND WHAT ARE YOU HIDING!?
Miyoshi: You like her, don't you?
Ichinose: WHAT?! O-o-o-of course not! She barely even looks like a girl!
But, I mean, what if she fell for me? That would mean I'm cooler than her, y'know?
I guess I could go out with her if she asked. She's not bad looking, and she's nice, and cute...
So anyway, I don't like her at all.
Ichinose: WHAT?! O-o-o-of course not! She barely even looks like a girl!
But, I mean, what if she fell for me? That would mean I'm cooler than her, y'know?
I guess I could go out with her if she asked. She's not bad looking, and she's nice, and cute...
So anyway, I don't like her at all.
Comic Books
Worker: Tight-looking piece, eh?
(Workers are looking up the girl's skirt for two panels while she talks to an old lady. The girl finally notices)
Miriam: Hey! What's going on?
Worker: Just taking a break, ma'am! These boxes are heavy. I wasn't admiring the view or nothin'! Hahaha!
(Workers are looking up the girl's skirt for two panels while she talks to an old lady. The girl finally notices)
Miriam: Hey! What's going on?
Worker: Just taking a break, ma'am! These boxes are heavy. I wasn't admiring the view or nothin'! Hahaha!
— Fansadox #191, "Mad Justice"
I'm sorry, Mr. Kretch. I just had a long night... a very long night doing normal teenage Earth girl things. Yes!
I'm not crazy. The rationality of my procedures demonstrates this. Sure, occasionally I become obsessed or suffer compulsions, but that's no illness I've ever heard of. The clothes? Oh, they became soiled. I got rid of them. Hygiene reasons.
Fan Works
Makoto: Isn't this great? It's just like when we were younger! Remember that time...
Mental Haru: Painting sure is fun.
Mental Haru: You know what else is fun? Killing your best friend.
Mental Haru: That doesn't sound fun at all, Haru.
Mental Haru: Well how would you know?! All you do is swim, Haru!
Mental Haru: I think Haru is right. We should branch out in our hobbies, Haru.
Mental Haru: Oh (dolphin noise), Haru, Makoto stopped talking! He wants you to respond! Say something, stupid!
Haru: ...I wasn't thinking about killing you.
Makoto: (smiling) Aww, thank you.
Mental Haru: Nailed it.
Mental Haru: Painting sure is fun.
Mental Haru: You know what else is fun? Killing your best friend.
Mental Haru: That doesn't sound fun at all, Haru.
Mental Haru: Well how would you know?! All you do is swim, Haru!
Mental Haru: I think Haru is right. We should branch out in our hobbies, Haru.
Mental Haru: Oh (dolphin noise), Haru, Makoto stopped talking! He wants you to respond! Say something, stupid!
Haru: ...I wasn't thinking about killing you.
Makoto: (smiling) Aww, thank you.
Mental Haru: Nailed it.
— 50% OFF
I don't want to have to factor that into the healing process or the brain scans. I'll leave that until they're done. But I definitely need to up her dose. Can't have Rei waking up one day and deciding she wants to start doing her own thinking. Little dolls don't need to think.
She carefully didn't think about little dolls taking a certain Commander's attention away from her. That had nothing to do with it at all. She was no petty, insecure woman scrabbling for any advantage to get ahead, no.
She carefully didn't think about little dolls taking a certain Commander's attention away from her. That had nothing to do with it at all. She was no petty, insecure woman scrabbling for any advantage to get ahead, no.
Applejack: [...] I ain't all book-learned like you, or apparently, Pinkie Pie, is.
Twilight: drops everything she was telekinetically holding Oh, that Pinkie Pie! Has she been regaling you with some of her random and totally untrue stories again?
Applejack: Uh, maybe?
Twilight: Hoo hoo! What a laugh! Boy, she was telling me a real whopper earlier today, I don't know, maybe it was the same one she told you! It was just some crazy and, let me stress, totally non-true, story about how she's secretly a doctor of advanced contraptionology with a degree from the Maresachusetts Institute of Technology and how while she was in college she made a mechanical lizard that makes "squonk" noises and breathes fire when it eats hot food and it came looking for her and that's what started the forest fire last night and so now we have to return it to her thesis advisor in Maresachusetts and that's why we're going on a road trip! It was funny because of how patently not-true it was!
Sound From Kitchen: SQUONK!
Sawaki: (after being sucked by a girl and a transvestite) You got it wrong! Mutou-san, you got it all wrong! It's a misunderstanding! I'm completely normal!
Mutou: I didn't see anything! Me, Aoi Mutou, naturally didn't see anything with these eyes!
Sawaki: Don't just lie to me!
Mutou: I didn't see anything! Me, Aoi Mutou, naturally didn't see anything with these eyes!
Sawaki: Don't just lie to me!
— Hentai doujin based on Moyashimon
Misato: Did you see anything?
Shinji: No, I didn't see anyone.
Shinji: No, I didn't see anyone.
— RE-TAKE
Asuka: What did you see?!
Shinji: Nothing! [...] I didn't see you playing with your dolls!
Shinji: Nothing! [...] I didn't see you playing with your dolls!
— Superwomen of Eva 2: Lone Heir of Krypton, chapter 7 omake
Welcome to the Duelist Kingdom. Let me assure you that this tournament is 100% genuine, and is not in any way an elaborate ruse thrown together at the last minute so that I can get my hands on an ancient Egyptian artefact.
— Pegasus, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series
Who? Me? Nervous? No, I'm not nervous. What makes you think I'm nervous? I mean, it's not like I don't [know] what to give my amazing boyfriend for his birthday! No, nothing like that!
You just heard her say, *explicitly*, what she was nervous about. Granted, she was trying to claim the opposite, but anyone could tell that was a lie.
Misato: You're worried?
Asuka: Worried? Ha! Why should I be? It was his own fault that he's trapped in there!
Misato: I haven't even mentioned Shinji...
Asuka: Worried? Ha! Why should I be? It was his own fault that he's trapped in there!
Misato: I haven't even mentioned Shinji...
Misato: We just have to show you two a few things before you can get a decent night's sleep. Sorry.
Asuka: A few things?
Misato: Just a few things at NERV. I haven't been told yet, we'll find out when we get there. Don't worry, it's nothing bad, or strange...
Asuka: I never said that it might be.
Asuka: A few things?
Misato: Just a few things at NERV. I haven't been told yet, we'll find out when we get there. Don't worry, it's nothing bad, or strange...
Asuka: I never said that it might be.
"As interesting as I'm sure your conversation is," Ritsuko interrupted in typical adult annoyance which had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she couldn't understand them, "can we please get back to business?"
'"I'm Mana Kirishima, pleased to meet you all. I like long walks on the beach, shy boys with parental abandonment issues, and death mechs! Also, I'm not a spy for a military organization."
— Mana, Rise of the Minisukas
"I enjoyed our internships, when I definitely did not abandon my mentor to go fight the notorious mass-murderer Stain in a misguided attempt to avenge my brother!"
Film — Animation
Edith: Hey, that [cat in Gru's book] looks like me!
Gru: What are you talking about? These are kittens! Any resemblance to persons living or dead is completely coincidental.
Gru: What are you talking about? These are kittens! Any resemblance to persons living or dead is completely coincidental.
Some guy was talking to me - Not an elephant in the sky, a guy on the ground.
— Ned McDodd, Horton Hears a Who! (2008)
I just washed my hands. That's why they're wet. No other reason.
I'm 'rainy little cloud
And not at all a bear!
And not at all a bear!
—Winnie the Pooh, Vinni Pukh
I swear that everything I tell you is not made up!
— Owl, Winnie the Pooh (2011)
I'm so not a villain
I have zero evil plans
No ulterior motives,
Just want to help where I can
I wanna shower you with gifts
'Cause I'm selfless and sweet
So there's no reason at all to be suspicious of
Queen Watevra Wa'Nabi
The least evil queen in history
And if you do not believe me
I totally won't imprison your family
'Cause that'd be evil
And that's so not me.
I have zero evil plans
No ulterior motives,
Just want to help where I can
I wanna shower you with gifts
'Cause I'm selfless and sweet
So there's no reason at all to be suspicious of
Queen Watevra Wa'Nabi
The least evil queen in history
And if you do not believe me
I totally won't imprison your family
'Cause that'd be evil
And that's so not me.
—Queen Watevra Wa'Nabi, The LEGO Movie 2: The Second Part, "Not Evil"
Donatello: Our dad is definitely not a giant rat.
April O'Neil: (beat) That makes me feel like he's a rat.
Film — Live-Action
Long live our brave Carabas!
We live cosily under his beard,
And he’s not a tormentor at all...
We live cosily under his beard,
And he’s not a tormentor at all...
— The marionettes, The Adventures of Buratino
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.
Especially you, Jenny Beckman.
Bitch.
Especially you, Jenny Beckman.
Bitch.
— Opening subtitle, (500) Days of Summer
M.U.T.O. ASSURES ALL PERSONNEL, THERE IS NO CONSPIRACY IN OUR ORGANIZATION.
— Godzilla M.U.T.O. Research website
Kro-Bar: Aliens? Us? Is this one of your Earth jokes?
Fleming: See? See?
Lattis: You should not have said "Earth jokes." Don't you see how that gave us away?
Fleming: See? See?
Lattis: You should not have said "Earth jokes." Don't you see how that gave us away?
Mr. Bignose: One more time, mate, and I'll take you to fucking cleaners!
Mrs. Bignose: Language! And don't pick your nose!
Mr. Bignose: ...I wasn't gonna pick my nose, I'm gonna thump him!
Mrs. Bignose: Language! And don't pick your nose!
Mr. Bignose: ...I wasn't gonna pick my nose, I'm gonna thump him!
And then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest - but I'm not an alien!
— Tom Servo mocking the obviously alien Exeter in This Island Earth, Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie
If I were a girl... AND I AM... I'd watch my step.
— Jerry aka "Daphne", Some Like It Hot
Colonel Sandurz: (opens door) Lord Helmet!
Dark Helmet: (quickly hides dolls) WHAT!?
Colonel Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge, sir!
Dark Helmet: KNOCK ON MY DOOR! KNOCK NEXT TIME!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir!
(Beat)
Dark Helmet: ...Did you see anything!?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!
Dark Helmet: GOOD!
Dark Helmet: (quickly hides dolls) WHAT!?
Colonel Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge, sir!
Dark Helmet: KNOCK ON MY DOOR! KNOCK NEXT TIME!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir!
(Beat)
Dark Helmet: ...Did you see anything!?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!
Dark Helmet: GOOD!
DJ: Tell me about the Blue Monkey.
Mother: (Spit Take) How do you know about that thing that I've never heard of in my entire life?
DJ: My dad told me.
Mother: (beat) What is the point of making them pinky-swear?!
Literature
Rincewind: But there's something you must do. You know this rumor about the army of invisible vampire ghosts that's headed this way?
Disembowel-Meself-Honorably Dibhala: Yes?
Rincewind: The one about there being millions of them? And very hungry on account of not having eaten by the way? And made specially fierce by the Great Wizard?
DMH Dibhala: Um... yes?
Rincewind: Well, it's not true. [...] So make sure you tell people there's no truth to this rumor, will you? Set their minds at rest.
DMH Dibhala: Good idea. Er. These invisible vampire ghosts... Do they carry money of any sort?
Rincewind: No. Because they don't exist.
DMH Dibhala: Ah, yes. I forgot.
Rincewind: And there are not 2,300,009 of them.
DMH Dibhala: Not 2,300,009 of them...
Rincewind: Absolutely not. There are not 2,300,009 of them, no matter what anyone says. Nor has the Great Wizard made them twice as big as normal. Good man. Now I'd better be off-
Disembowel-Meself-Honorably Dibhala: Yes?
Rincewind: The one about there being millions of them? And very hungry on account of not having eaten by the way? And made specially fierce by the Great Wizard?
DMH Dibhala: Um... yes?
Rincewind: Well, it's not true. [...] So make sure you tell people there's no truth to this rumor, will you? Set their minds at rest.
DMH Dibhala: Good idea. Er. These invisible vampire ghosts... Do they carry money of any sort?
Rincewind: No. Because they don't exist.
DMH Dibhala: Ah, yes. I forgot.
Rincewind: And there are not 2,300,009 of them.
DMH Dibhala: Not 2,300,009 of them...
Rincewind: Absolutely not. There are not 2,300,009 of them, no matter what anyone says. Nor has the Great Wizard made them twice as big as normal. Good man. Now I'd better be off-
Moist Von Lipwig: Igor? You have an Igor?
Hubert Turvy: Oh, yes. That's how I get this wonderful light. They know the secret of storing lightning in jars! But don't let that worry you, Mr Lipspick. Just because I'm employing an Igor and working in a cellar doesn't mean I'm some sort of madman, ha ha ha!
Moist: Ha ha.
Hubert: Ha hah hah! Hahahahahaha!! Ahahahahahahhhhh!!!!!
Hubert Turvy: Oh, yes. That's how I get this wonderful light. They know the secret of storing lightning in jars! But don't let that worry you, Mr Lipspick. Just because I'm employing an Igor and working in a cellar doesn't mean I'm some sort of madman, ha ha ha!
Moist: Ha ha.
Hubert: Ha hah hah! Hahahahahaha!! Ahahahahahahhhhh!!!!!
No! You couldn't have recognized me. I used a disguise that time.
— Old Man, Dragon Queen
I don't care if Ewald Jackson is from Adelaide, wherever that is. It doesn't impress me at all, and Bridgette's not impressed either, and she only spoke to him to be polite. Anyway, he was only congratulating her on winning first prize with her bark picture. Bark pictures aren't really art so it doesn't matter about Bridgette winning and not me because we weren't in the same category.
— Kirsty Dean, I Hate Fridays omnibus
Bear: Have you seen my hat?
Rabbit: (while wearing that very hat) No. Why are you asking me. I haven't seen it. I haven't seen any hats anywhere. I would not steal a hat. Don't ask me any more questions.
Rabbit: (while wearing that very hat) No. Why are you asking me. I haven't seen it. I haven't seen any hats anywhere. I would not steal a hat. Don't ask me any more questions.
I have sworn upon the River Styx that the events in this book are purely fictional. There is no such 12-year-old boy as Perseus "Percy" Jackson. The Greek gods are nothing more than old myths. They certainly never have children with mortals in the 21st century, nor is there any such place as Camp Half-Blood, a summer camp for demigods on eastern Long Island, where I train young heroes to survive against their monstrous enemies. Percy never met a satyr nor a daughter of Athena. They most emphatically did not embark upon a quest together across the United States to reach the gates of the Underworld and prevent a catastrophic war between the gods.
— Chiron, Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thiefnote
A silly rumor, really. It has to do with viral contamination of lubricants at Bearing Works Twenty-three. Ah, excuse me — I mean with the noncontamination of lubricants at... Never mind. It is totally without foundation, the Health Center informs us. And there is no cause for alarm. It is absolutely not true that it causes impotency among males— Correction. There is no contamination — but if there were, it would not affect the potency of males.
— Ida, Sten
Live-Action TV
"Reginald Bimmler": Am retired vindow cleaner and pacifist - without doing war crimes!
(Brooke terribly denies stealing Austin's shoes before he was about to perform)
Cute woman: Hello!
Stuart: (silent and uncomfortable, unable to talk, but he likes her a lot)
Cute woman: It's a great party!
Stuart: Thank you.
Cute woman: The monsters' food, they're really fun.
Stuart: Yes, thank you. I like to think of fun things like that. Because I'm fun. I'm not clinically depressed at all.
Stuart: (silent and uncomfortable, unable to talk, but he likes her a lot)
Cute woman: It's a great party!
Stuart: Thank you.
Cute woman: The monsters' food, they're really fun.
Stuart: Yes, thank you. I like to think of fun things like that. Because I'm fun. I'm not clinically depressed at all.
— The Big Bang Theory, "The Holographic Excitation"
We didn't receive any messages, and Captain Blackadder definitely did not shoot this delicious plump-breasted pigeon!
— Baldrick, Blackadder Goes Forth
Jake: So I smashed through the window, feet first, there's glass everywhere, and I say "Hey there. Sorry for droppin' in."
(Gina and Rosa chuckle in appreciation)
Jake: And the best part is there was nothing on my cheek.
Amy: That's a weird detail to throw in there.
Jake: You're a weird detail to throw in there.
(Gina and Rosa chuckle in appreciation)
Jake: And the best part is there was nothing on my cheek.
Amy: That's a weird detail to throw in there.
Jake: You're a weird detail to throw in there.
Jake: Look at us. Just three people with pants on having a normal conversation.
Capt. Holt: Yep, no story here.
Capt. Holt: Yep, no story here.
—Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Beach House
MAYHEM CAUSED, MONSTERS CERTAINLY NOT INVOLVED
— A newspaper headline from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Chuck: I'm thankful that Bryce Larkin is dead. And is not currently in my bedroom making out with my new girlfriend.
Casey: [excuses himself to arrest Larkin]
Morgan: Wow, buddy, that was, um, really dark...
Awesome: And specific!
Casey: [excuses himself to arrest Larkin]
Morgan: Wow, buddy, that was, um, really dark...
Awesome: And specific!
— Chuck
This is an emergency! Control must be believed and obeyed! No-one in the colony believes in Macra! There is no such thing as Macra! Macra do not exist! There are no Macra!
— Macra speaking as The Controller, Doctor Who, "The Macra Terror"
Eleventh Doctor: It's a timey-wimey thing.
War Doctor: Timey what? Timey-wimey?!
Tenth Doctor: I've - I've no idea where he picks that stuff up.
War Doctor: Timey what? Timey-wimey?!
Tenth Doctor: I've - I've no idea where he picks that stuff up.
— Doctor Who, "The Day of the Doctor"
"I've jus' come down to say that everything's perfectly normal... no one's making a film or anything upstairs."
— Jennifer Marsh, Girls on Top, "Staying Alive"
Eleanor: Look, I might not have been a saint, but it's not like I killed anybody. I wasn't an arsonist. I never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.
Chidi: Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.
Chidi: Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.
If this were some random person you hooked up with at a Diamondbacks game in the parking lot behind the porta-potties - not based on a real example - I would say keep mulling.
— Eleanor, The Good Place, "What's My Motivation"
Gordy: So, you up here visiting family?
Barney: No! I'm not Canadian. Not even a quarter Canadian on my father's side, shut up! We're not talking aboot me. About me! Wow.
Barney: No! I'm not Canadian. Not even a quarter Canadian on my father's side, shut up! We're not talking aboot me. About me! Wow.
Frank: This is bad. We gotta definitely write a song about how we do not diddle kids. "Do not diddle kids, it's no good diddlin' kids!"
Mac: ...there is no quicker way for people to think you are diddling kids than by WRITING A SONG ABOUT IT!
Mac: ...there is no quicker way for people to think you are diddling kids than by WRITING A SONG ABOUT IT!
— It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, "Frank Reynolds' Little Beauties"
Kenan: (as teacher awkwardly stares at him) What are you looking at?
Teacher: Uh, nothing. Not your ears.
Teacher: Uh, nothing. Not your ears.
Doctor: This is not a Kangaroo Court.
Patrick: Did I say it was? Interesting that you'd deny an unmade accusation.
Patrick: Did I say it was? Interesting that you'd deny an unmade accusation.
It is all dark. Some people are afraid of the dark. Isn't that silly? Oh, it's silly. Some people think that just because it is dark, there are scary... things around! Spooky things... sneaking around in the dark. But there... there... there are not, y'know, there are not... There are not... There are not! ...Maybe I'd better turn on the light and show you!
— Grover, Sesame Street
Simon: Carol! What about Carol?!
Nandor: Guillermo didn't kill her!
Simon: Why would you phrase it like that?!
Nandor: (while whispering) Do you see how I threw the suspicion off of you Guillermo?
Guillermo: No, you threw the suspicion on me, master.
Nandor: Guillermo didn't kill her!
Simon: Why would you phrase it like that?!
Nandor: (while whispering) Do you see how I threw the suspicion off of you Guillermo?
Guillermo: No, you threw the suspicion on me, master.
(Zachary and Mark present Broden with their urine samples)
Mark: And there you go. Hey, don't drink it!
Broden: Of course I won't.
Zachary: Oh really? You're not gonna drink the piss-test piss?
Broden: Absolutely not, that's absurd.
Mark: Yeah-yeah, we were just joking.
Broden: I would never do that.
Zachary: Yeah, we know.
Broden: I've never drunk piss in my entire life.
Mark: Yeah I didn't mean that you were actually going to.
Broden: That would be ridiculous.
Zachary: Of course.
Broden: Absolutely.
Zachary: Yeah.
Broden: Indeed.
(beat)
Zachary: He's gonna drink our piss!
Broden: No I'm not.
(it snowballs from here)
Mark: And there you go. Hey, don't drink it!
Broden: Of course I won't.
Zachary: Oh really? You're not gonna drink the piss-test piss?
Broden: Absolutely not, that's absurd.
Mark: Yeah-yeah, we were just joking.
Broden: I would never do that.
Zachary: Yeah, we know.
Broden: I've never drunk piss in my entire life.
Mark: Yeah I didn't mean that you were actually going to.
Broden: That would be ridiculous.
Zachary: Of course.
Broden: Absolutely.
Zachary: Yeah.
Broden: Indeed.
(beat)
Zachary: He's gonna drink our piss!
Broden: No I'm not.
(it snowballs from here)
Radio
Pip Bin: Do you like working here?
Samuel Suffering, An Oppressed Factory Worker: Certainly, sir. It is not now and never has been awful, and no-one is terrified of Mr. Whackwallop.
Samuel Suffering, An Oppressed Factory Worker: Certainly, sir. It is not now and never has been awful, and no-one is terrified of Mr. Whackwallop.
"Good afternoon. This is your captain speaking. Just to say there is absolutely nothing to worry about."
"Hello. Captain Crieff here again. Still no need to panic. I repeat, there is no need to panic. Or to look out of the windows. Everything's fine."
"Hello. Captain Crieff here again. Still no need to panic. I repeat, there is no need to panic. Or to look out of the windows. Everything's fine."
— Captain Martin Crieff, Cabin Pressure, "Douz" cold open
Stand-Up Comedy
"Good evening, everybody. We are the Umbilical Brothers, and not superintelligent alien dinosaurs. We do not intend to replace the Umbilical Brothers using their own DNA. We do not intend to replace the front row of the audience using the Umbilical Brothers' DNA."
"Yes, we do."
"No, we don't. Shh!"
"Yes, we do."
"No, we don't. Shh!"
— The Umbilical Brothers, Speedmouse
Video Games
I made the zombies! I was never as good as my totally-not-made-up brother Zed, and we're totally different people!
— Dr. Ned approximately every other sentence, Borderlands
I assure you all; I am most definitely not planning to betray both of our little groups in another mad bid for power.
— Ultimis!Richtofen, Call of Duty: Zombies, "Tag Der Untoten"
Elridge is never seen with a spot of blood upon his person. Not a spot.
That didn't happen. You didn't slip and end up dangling from a cornice. Cats didn't mock you for your efforts. A large ginger certainly didn't sit on your head as your feet flailed. Nothing happened at all.
X: Me? Uh, well, I was touring around the galaxy and just kinda got the urge for a bit of solo camping, you know? But there's, uh, nothing else to it! It's definitely not that I didn't have a single friend who was willing to come along with me! Nope! Everyone I contacted either never got back to me, already had other plans, or just flat out said no!
Master: I'll just pretend I never heard that.
X: That'd be great. Thanks.
Hey, you're doing great! Most people don't last this long! I mean... y'know. They usually move on to other things by now. I'm not implying that they died. That's not what I meant.
— Phone Guy, Five Nights at Freddy's
Despite the temporary horror you may experience, this is a completely controlled environment, and you aren't in any real danger. Fazbear Entertainment is not responsible for real danger.
Jedi Exile: Are you responsible for this?
HK-50: Defensive Answer: Master, I am a protocol droid, not a well-crafted assassination droid of unrivaled sophistication. To have carried out the actions that took place here would have required an unusual set of skills. It is highly unlikely I possess the knowledge of how to reprogram the memory cores of base-worker class droids into killing machines, let alone to terminate the organics at this facility, utilizing only Aratech 500 series laser mining drills and explosives fashioned from proton missile cores!
HK-50: Defensive Answer: Master, I am a protocol droid, not a well-crafted assassination droid of unrivaled sophistication. To have carried out the actions that took place here would have required an unusual set of skills. It is highly unlikely I possess the knowledge of how to reprogram the memory cores of base-worker class droids into killing machines, let alone to terminate the organics at this facility, utilizing only Aratech 500 series laser mining drills and explosives fashioned from proton missile cores!
I'm not doing anything suspicious... really.
— Sakon, The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask
This man is no different from any other. He has many witnesses who swear to this fact through torture and pain of death. Look elsewhere for a man of any note.
— Description of an agent with the Guildmaster of Assassins title, Medieval II: Total War Stainless Steel
Lucas: N-n-n-no! He didn't take Dad's homemade knife and go into the mountains to kill the Drago!
Alec: It's a good thing you raised him to be honest, Flint!
Alec: It's a good thing you raised him to be honest, Flint!
— Mother 3
Don't look, now! I'm not going to stick my butt out or anything like that, though.
— Wess, Mother 3
"I totally didn't do that just because the creator was too lazy to write the Pokédex evaluation script."
— Prof. Oak's Aide, Pokémon Radical Red
The Enrichment Center would like to remind you that the Weighted Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak. In the event that the Companion Cube does speak, the Enrichment Center urges you to disregard its advice.
— GLaDOS, Portal
Contact with the colony on Mars will be shortly re-established, and this has nothing to do with the impending arrival of the mysterious aliens.
— Quake II intro
N-O-M-A-F-I-A, oh baby!
Welcome, welcome, generous friends!
Days and weeks and tokens to spend!
We're just regular businessmen!
Just you and me and Ted. E. Bear!
Ted. E. Bear's is oodles of fun!
Slots and sandwiches and poker and guns!
And look, no mobsters, nary a one!
Just you and me and Ted. E. Bear!
Welcome, welcome, generous friends!
Days and weeks and tokens to spend!
We're just regular businessmen!
Just you and me and Ted. E. Bear!
Ted. E. Bear's is oodles of fun!
Slots and sandwiches and poker and guns!
And look, no mobsters, nary a one!
Just you and me and Ted. E. Bear!
I'm going to trust you to keep a secret. If you do not keep this secret, you will, in short order, be exiled from The Illuminati, lose everything you hold dear, find yourself convicted of murder and locked up for life... And then I'll really come after you. This, by the way, should in no way be construed as a threat.
— The Pyramidion, The Secret World
This game is purely fictitious. It cannot harm you in any way, shape, or form.
— Silent Hills disclaimer
Dr. Eggman: This amusement park was constructed entirely out of a sense of remorse for my past transgressions, and is in no way associated with any sort of evil plot or premeditated misdeeds.
Sonic: Well, that's a relief.
Sonic: Well, that's a relief.
You are still a good person.
— Spec Ops: The Line loading screen
"Ah yes, the N-ZAP '89. This is quite simply an N-ZAP '85 that was redesigned for… well, definitely not legal reasons. No siree. Nothing to see here. Lawyers definitely did not have anything to do with this."
So you really want to know, eh? All right, fine, Jeane is... a very nice young lady, with absolutely no mind-boggling secrets to hide. None whatsoever. Moving on...
— Oboro's final investigation on Jeane in Suikoden V
Anise: Huh? It's a rappig doll...
Tear: Ah, n-no! You got it wrong! I just found it in a shop at Belkend. It's not like I thought it was cute or anything. Yeah, I just... ehm... that is... Anise, don't tell anyone, okay?
Tear: Ah, n-no! You got it wrong! I just found it in a shop at Belkend. It's not like I thought it was cute or anything. Yeah, I just... ehm... that is... Anise, don't tell anyone, okay?
— A skit in Tales of the Abyss
You can still watch TV, go outside, read a book, ask for a refund. Umm, no refund. That... that game is free— this is not a game! It has nothing to do with a game; it's just a massive package of boredom! There is nothing to do in here! You can quit and leave me alone! Thank you! Goodbye. Oh, and please, do not touch the title— it's not quite dry yet, especially the letter "O".
No more ball, nowhere. No need to search, 'cause there's nothing that looks like a ball. No ball on the screen.
No more ball, nowhere. No need to search, 'cause there's nothing that looks like a ball. No ball on the screen.
"Look, I brought some oats for you. They aren't poison or anything."
"..."
"In retrospect, I guess that wasn't a very comforting thing to say."
"..."
"In retrospect, I guess that wasn't a very comforting thing to say."
ADVENT officials revealed that today's maneuver by local peacekeepers was a planned exercise. Citizens should not be alarmed. All weapon fire and wounds were simulated to better train ADVENT forces.
[...]
All ADVENT gene therapy clinics will be closed tomorrow for equipment upgrades. Initial reports that the suspension of services were the result of dissident activity have been dismissed as radical propaganda.
[...]
Reports of armed engagements today between peacekeepers and XCOM dissidents were deemed false by ADVENT's Speaker. Citizens are encouraged to avoid the area until the investigation is completed.
[...]
All ADVENT gene therapy clinics will be closed tomorrow for equipment upgrades. Initial reports that the suspension of services were the result of dissident activity have been dismissed as radical propaganda.
[...]
Reports of armed engagements today between peacekeepers and XCOM dissidents were deemed false by ADVENT's Speaker. Citizens are encouraged to avoid the area until the investigation is completed.
There is nothing here.
— OMORI, but only when interacting with certain spotsnote
As a soldier in the field I couldn't possibly have access to those kinds of resources. That said, a good place to look might be... I don't know, the nearest nonexistent launch site in the nonexistent Sabre Program, dismissed by three administrations as preposterous rumor... And in which our newest member was certainly never a pilot.
— Kat-B320, Halo: Reach
"Affordable prices abound for these lovely cosmetics he acquired through legitimate means."
— The description for Deh Legitimate Shop, Dave.EXE
[Player chooses 'Who are you?' dialogue option]
Gatekeeper Berry: Me? Oh, I'm just a mysterious Berry. Nothing, nothing, [nervous chuckle] nothing at all interesting about me, don't ask any questions. Don't, don't look at me in any way, I'm not special, LEAVE ME ALONE!
Gatekeeper Berry: Me? Oh, I'm just a mysterious Berry. Nothing, nothing, [nervous chuckle] nothing at all interesting about me, don't ask any questions. Don't, don't look at me in any way, I'm not special, LEAVE ME ALONE!
— The opening to Dave.EXE
"Hello! I am a normal vendor of legal weapons. Please purchase my ethically acquired goods."
—The Merchant, Mob Farm
Visual Novels
I-If you're looking for the person who discovered the body... You should try someone else...
— Frank Sahwit, Ace Attorney Investigations 2
They say that the more specific a denial is, the more likely it is that the accusations are true.
— Hisao Nakai, Katawa Shoujo
Webcomics
Ki: It's not caffeine, not sugar... not time for Star Wars Episode II yet... doesn't look like "Mr. Colon" is acting up again... could be job anxiety...
Nick: Nope! No job anxiety here! Didn't get an impossible-to-turn-down dream job, nosiree! Not me!
Ki: Bingo.
Nick: Nope! No job anxiety here! Didn't get an impossible-to-turn-down dream job, nosiree! Not me!
Ki: Bingo.
Elan: I promise to be the bestest bard ever and never be bad and never accidentally lead you into an ambush and—
Roy: That's an oddly specific promise...
Roy: That's an oddly specific promise...
— The Order of the Stick: On the Origin of PCs
After making these statements, he assured us that he was (in fact) "stable." It's funny how asserting one's stability tends to create the opposite impression.
Robot 1: Halt! This exit is now closed! Please use this other exit and go about your business. There is currently a situation.
Robot 2: The situation does not involve a large monster or two.
Robot 1: Man, shut uuuup!
Robot 2: The situation does not involve a large monster or two.
Robot 1: Man, shut uuuup!
— Gunnerkrigg Court, p.547
Well, it certainly wasn't a dangerous gene-altering chemical that someone forgot to secure properly... ah heh...
— Dr. Thaddeus Euphemism, The Petri Dish
Don't read into thiiiiiss~~~~!!!
— Doro/Adora and Sammy/Sammi, Pastel Games by The Transformistress
Web Original
My "Not involved in human trafficking" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
RYAN REYNOLDS: Well allow me to shake your hand.
JEFF BRIDGES: No loser, you must earn my handshake. (to camera) This setup won’t be forgotten and is totally going to pay off in the end. Honest. Pinky swear. Wink.
Note: He's LYING.
JEFF BRIDGES: No loser, you must earn my handshake. (to camera) This setup won’t be forgotten and is totally going to pay off in the end. Honest. Pinky swear. Wink.
Note: He's LYING.
— The Abridged Script for R.I.P.D.
for R.I.P.D.It's no secret by now that Overwatch has produced a veritable metric cum-lake of pornographic material, none of which I have ever wanked over and I am definitely telling the truth when I say that.
Ansem: I can make you stronger if I enter your body, and I will surely not possess you.
Riku: Okay I believe you.
Riku: Okay I believe you.
Rita Loud: No cavities! I am proud of you, Lola!
Lola Loud: Really?! Uh, I mean, of course there are no cavities. It's not like I've been eating cake after bedtime. (awkward chuckle)
Rita Loud: Hah! The way you said that makes you think you have been.
Lola Loud: Really?! Uh, I mean, of course there are no cavities. It's not like I've been eating cake after bedtime. (awkward chuckle)
Rita Loud: Hah! The way you said that makes you think you have been.
— Listen Out Loud, official podcast based on The Loud House
Knuckles: Don't make me regret this.
Sonic: I wont, I promise. And I definitely wont smoke crack in the bathroom
Knuckles OK, good, First I- Wait, what!? Why did you bring up smoking crack?
Sonic: I wont, I promise. And I definitely wont smoke crack in the bathroom
Knuckles OK, good, First I- Wait, what!? Why did you bring up smoking crack?
Disclaimer: TFWiki is well aware that this picture◊ contains no visual references to rape, phallic symbols, giant robots, frightened cartoon females who may or may not be of pre-voting age, or manga-convention background lines. In fact, this picture is completely blank.
◊ contains no visual references to rape, phallic symbols, giant robots, frightened cartoon females who may or may not be of pre-voting age, or manga-convention background lines. In fact, this picture is completely blank.— An old caption from TFWiki.net's page on Atari Hitotonari
These are the words of a guy who knows what the wrong answer is, just not necessarily the right one. "I want you back girl, cause I miss your... not your body." Hey Bieber, where were you the night of the murder? "Why, I remember I was definitely at 'not at the victim's house between 12:45 and 1:30 then driving to the river to dispose of the murder weapon."
— Todd in the Shadows reviews Sorry
hey come check out our cool bunker, guys. I promise there's no crazy wormhole thing under our base continuously killing us
Lewis: Ross? (gets shot at) Ross is shooting at me!
Ross: No I'm not! I'm not trying to make you EAT SHIT at all!
Ross: No I'm not! I'm not trying to make you EAT SHIT at all!
...Assuming it doesn't make you clip into an inexplicably hovering ore deposit that's totally meant to do that and not a bug, no REALLY!
"The other anime move is the Foresight Slash, a stance that counters any attack that comes your way, and because I'm so good at Monster Hunter, I don't feel the need to show you all the footage of the myriad of times I was able to pull it off. Because I totally did pull it off every time I used it, STOP ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS"
— A Crap Guide to Monster Hunter: World- The Long Sword
to Monster Hunter: World- The Long SwordAt first glance, these appear to be nothing more than some really thick sandals. However, my eye is almost immediately drawn to the cow with the word "cowhide" defensively placed above it. Making footwear out of cowhide is not unusual. In fact, I would guess the majority of shoes are made out of it. What is unusual is feeling like you have to specifically state it in a way other shoes do not.
"Quackity from Las Nevadas, I just want to emphasize, I definitely am not a piece of goo that has crawled to the surface over hundreds of years, disguising myself as a person."
"Look, guys. I don't like every blonde anime character just because my partner has blonde hair, okay? You gotta look deeper than that! That's like saying every blonde anime girl with blue eyes is a transfer student character from America, which they are, but shut up! Marin is an eccentric, outspoken girl that isn't afraid to speak her mind, and Sydney is... Well, she's not like that at all. And also let's not forget she's a cosplay girl who's not very experienced in making costumes, and that's a characteristic that's just completely unique to her! Not forgetting, she's most importantly a fan of hentai games, saying "Yeah, it's an eroge, but it's epic!" And... I couldn't see Sydney saying that line at all."
—Gigguk over the parallels between Marin Kitagawa and Sydsnap, his real-life fiancée (now wife)
This is a 100% legitimate business, and has nothing to do with fraud money!!
—An advance fee scammer, Atomic Shrimp, "I'm Just Mad About SAFFRON"
"I have received several urgent Facebook messages and Twitter DMs from a vague yet menacing government agency, asking me to deliver the following message: BRINY DEPTHS. They said that there was nothing secret or important about the message, and it was certainly not related to any ongoing deep undercover operations that they can only communicate with using code words subtly buried in local radio broadcasts. It wasn’t anything crazy like that. They just think it would be cool to hear me say BRINY DEPTHS."
— Cecil', Welcome to Night Vale, Episode 61: "BRINY DEPTHS"
Waiter: Hi, there, hello, sir, can I get you started with some bread that didn't fall on the floor?
Customer: Wh... did the bread fall on the floor?
Waiter: No, sir, I said it didn't fall on the floor.
Customer: That's a weird way to describe it, then.
Waiter: It's just bread, sir, it didn't fall on the floor and accidentally get kicked under the fridge for a little bit.
Customer: It's no — it's suspicious that you're being so specific about this.
Waiter: No it's not!
Customer: Oh, okay, then yeah, I'll have some bread!
Customer: Wh... did the bread fall on the floor?
Waiter: No, sir, I said it didn't fall on the floor.
Customer: That's a weird way to describe it, then.
Waiter: It's just bread, sir, it didn't fall on the floor and accidentally get kicked under the fridge for a little bit.
Customer: It's no — it's suspicious that you're being so specific about this.
Waiter: No it's not!
Customer: Oh, okay, then yeah, I'll have some bread!
"as a general rule, if a guy you've never heard of before comes under public scrutiny, and then 100 of the weirdest right-wing freaks on earth immediately jump to his defense, it's time for more scrutiny"
Fries: Speaker box, why did you make such a fancy intro?
Firey Speaker Box: Budget surplus.
Fries: Oh, we got more money now? How?
[FSB looks at a nearby money generator caused by Coiny and Nickel getting close together]
Firey Speaker Box: Definitely not illegal money laundering.
Fries: I believe it.
Firey Speaker Box: Budget surplus.
Fries: Oh, we got more money now? How?
[FSB looks at a nearby money generator caused by Coiny and Nickel getting close together]
Firey Speaker Box: Definitely not illegal money laundering.
Fries: I believe it.
— Battle for Dream Island Again
"Okay Joel, I don't know who told you this story, but listen to yourself. Listen to how farfetched it is. Why would I even want a Henckman Brothers Model 607 Trapdoor?"
— Burnie Burns, Rooster Teeth Shorts, "Downstairs"
Western Animation
Robotnik: Snooping as usual, I see?
Scratch: Not me! I didn't hear nothing about Von Schlemmer's dream-a-majig!
Grounder: Uh, me neither! Especially I didn't hear the part about the clown...
Scratch: Not me! I didn't hear nothing about Von Schlemmer's dream-a-majig!
Grounder: Uh, me neither! Especially I didn't hear the part about the clown...
Steve: What happened?
Stan: The CIA put me on temporary leave.
Steve: What, why?
Stan: Oh, I filed something wrong. I certainly wasn't because I killed the secretary of defense.
Stan: The CIA put me on temporary leave.
Steve: What, why?
Stan: Oh, I filed something wrong. I certainly wasn't because I killed the secretary of defense.
Anne: How was the convention, HP?
Hop Pop: Oh, fine. Didn't get swarmed by killer locusts, if that's what you mean. How was your weekend?
Anne: Good.
Sprig: We didn't rob a train.
Polly: Nope. No crimes committed.
Hop Pop: Good, good. Great to know we definitely didn't have two wacky adventures.
— Amphibia, "Combat Camp"
Krieger: I'm not a... serial killer!
Archer: Wait, why did you emphasize "serial?"
Kriegar: Wait, I did — whaaaat? Are we doing? Did I mention I have a surprise for you?
Archer: Wait, why did you emphasize "serial?"
Kriegar: Wait, I did — whaaaat? Are we doing? Did I mention I have a surprise for you?
— Archer
This awful cold. It's so horrible... so painful... and so very, very real.
— Dennis, Dennis and Gnasher, "Couldn't Catch a Cold"
Goldie: Who are you?
Gyro: Nobody. Just your... common crackpot outlaw. Definitely NOT a brilliant scientist from the future accidentally stuck in the Old West- I mean Current West.
Gyro: Nobody. Just your... common crackpot outlaw. Definitely NOT a brilliant scientist from the future accidentally stuck in the Old West- I mean Current West.
— DuckTales, "The Outlaw Scrooge McDuck!"
Fireman 1: [snaps photo of Jackie] Ohhoho yeahh...
Jackie: What was that?
Fire Chief: I dunno! Certainly not a sexy shot for our fireman's calendar!
Jackie: Sexy shot for our fireman's calendar?
Fireman 2: How did she figure it out?
Jackie: What was that?
Fire Chief: I dunno! Certainly not a sexy shot for our fireman's calendar!
Jackie: Sexy shot for our fireman's calendar?
Fireman 2: How did she figure it out?
Young Stan (Steve Pinington): The Rip-Off note won’t give you rashes, I repeat: it won’t give you rashes.
Stan: It gave you rashes.
—Gravity Falls, “A Tale of Two Stans”
Tribe Leader: <The blue-haired woman will make a good sacrifice.>
Marge: What's he saying?
Mr. Burns: Aaaaaaaaah... he's saying... ummmmm... "we wouldn't dream of sacrificing the blue-haired woman!"
Marge: Awwwwww, well isn't that—
Marge: What's he saying?
Mr. Burns: Aaaaaaaaah... he's saying... ummmmm... "we wouldn't dream of sacrificing the blue-haired woman!"
Marge: Awwwwww, well isn't that—
— The Simpsons, "Treehouse of Horror III"
Officer Barbrady: You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
Chef: Actually, uh...
Mayor McDaniels: Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese mafia.
Officer Barbrady: Not a thingy-dingy!
Chef: Actually, uh...
Mayor McDaniels: Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese mafia.
Officer Barbrady: Not a thingy-dingy!
— South Park, "Pinkeye"
Tiananmen Square. On this site in 1989, nothing happened.
— Commemorative plaque at Tiananmen Square, The Simpsons, "Goo Goo Gai Pan"
It *was* a monster [who broke the statue]! It WAS!!
— Princes, Little Princess, "I Want to Play Football"
Sara: We're just gonna hang out and drink age-appropriate drinks.
Wirt: Like ... juice?
Sara: Yeah, whatever. Age-appropriate stuff that's not illegal.
Wirt: Like ... juice?
Sara: Yeah, whatever. Age-appropriate stuff that's not illegal.
Bart: Willie, you can tell me: who's the mystery wuss who can't eat peanuts?
Willie: I'll never say his name!
Bart: "His," eh? Hmm, so it's a dude.
Willie: Who says it's a dude? A principal can be a man or a woman these days!
Bart: (stroking chin, smirking) Hmmm.
Willie: I'll never say his name!
Bart: "His," eh? Hmm, so it's a dude.
Willie: Who says it's a dude? A principal can be a man or a woman these days!
Bart: (stroking chin, smirking) Hmmm.
Real Life
Excusatio non petita, accusatio manifesta.
— Latin for "Unrequested excuse, accusation made."
People have got to know whether or not their President is a crook. Well, I'm not a crook. I've earned everything I've got.
"I'm not pouring Baileys on my cereal" is a very specific reference for something you are not doing.
What happens if you click HERE? I don't know, but you definitely don't go back to the main page.
