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"That really was long, wasn't it? Travelling 300 kilometres in 4 days."
— Chisame Hasegawa, Mahou Sensei Negima!
Haruhi: "It's suspicious because nothing looks suspicious."
Kyon: "And if it looked suspicious to begin with, then what?"
Haruhi: "It'd be suspicious, of course. Jeez."
Normally, those people would never wake up from their fantasy worlds. They live meaningless lives. They waste their precious days over nothing. No matter how old they get, they'll continue to say, "My real life hasn't started yet. The real me is still asleep, so that's why my life is such garbage." They continue to tell themselves that. They continue. And they age. Then die. And on their deathbeds, they will finally realize: the life they lived was the real thing. People don't live provisional lives, nor do they die provisional deaths. That's a simple fact! The problem... is whether they realize that simple fact.
I have always fought for the nation. And for the De Sand family. And for... I have fought for you as well! However, just this one time, I wish to fight only for myself!
—George De Sand, G Gundam
Fuck you! What does the fate of humanity have to do with the fate of my Balls?!
—Bandoh, Elfen Lied
"Love...ah, love, that magical spark between two people that you hope won't start a fire and burn them both to death."
— Onizuka Eikichi, Great Teacher Onizuka
This hand of mine glows with an aweomse power! Its burning grip tells me to defeat you! Take this! My love! My anger! And all of my sorrow! SHINIIIIING FINGEEERRRRR!!!
—Domon Kasshu, G Gundam
Where is my enemy?
This is your enemy.
That is your enemy.
Do you not yet see?
Words from those who look without seeing.
You'll never meet your enemy.
You'll never really live.
My enemy is not to be sought, lest we find ourselves surrounded...
Is not to be awaited, lest it violate us.
No, but one day we will come upon each other.
And for that day, my claws, teeth, ears, hands, and feet are ready.
When i can call him enemy.
When i can call him my enemy.
I believe that chance will come.
—Hiruken Emperor, Xam'd: Lost Memories
You don't need a license to hit people with your car.
"When youíre born, youíre pure, unspoiled, and trusting. Some say itís the only time weíre perfect. Youíre also born covered in blood and placenta. Nobody gets nostalgic about that."
"If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography."
— P. J. O'Rourke
"Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they're wearing different kinds of hats. Keep an eye on that, it might be important."
— George Carlin, Life Is Worth Losing
Men have a certain body part that women do not have, and men always think jokes about it are a stone riot, but if you tell such a joke to a woman, she will look at you as though you are a Baggie filled with mouse remains. I don't know why this is, but it never fails.
— Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
It is easier to find a traveling companion than it is to get rid of one.
— Art Buchwald
Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy.
We are accepting things that should not be accepted. The anti-depressent Paxil causes suicide in a lot of people. Yeah, let me say that again. The anti-depressant Paxil causes suicide in a lot of people. You think they could have spent another week on the formula. Yeah, you're going to kill yourself, but the suicide note is going to be inspirational!
— Christopher Titus
Anyway, Henry Ford stole my idea and invented the car, did the movie Stagecoach and pardoned president Nixon... But I am getting ahead of my story
Yes, sir, I do, for the cover of a horror comic. A cover in bad taste, for example, might be defined as holding the head a little bit higher so that the neck could be seen dripping blood from it and moving the body over a little further so that the neck of the body could be seen to be bloody.
—William M. Gaines, Editor-in-Chief of EC Comics, to Sen. Estes Kefauver, on his definition of "good taste".
"It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor."
—Morpheus, The Sandman #60, "The Kindly Ones: 4," by Neil Gaiman
Nothing is real, nothing, unless it's right there. Death in movies is all stuntmen and corn syrup blood. The bloodiest fistfights become Special Features on DVDs, where actors giggle about how much fun it is to choreograph those kinds of scenes. Rape is a Jodie Foster movie. Rape is Deliverance, and squealing like a pig, and jokes about dropping the soap in the shower. And even when it's serious, it isn't real. It's not close enough to be real."
Dr. Bradley: Your reputation precedes you.
Elvira: Oh, damn. I hate when that happens
— Elvira's Haunted Hills
"The people in this movie inhabit a universe of clean little 1940s bungalows with rose trellises, and there's a mean neighbor next door and some teenagers down the street who are always souping up their hot rod... This is the universe of those sweet, simple folks who live in TV soap ads. They mean well, poor souls, and they dress neatly and keep a cheery smile, but they must have been shortchanged in the smarts department because all they care about in this life is how white their whites get."
— Roger Ebert, review of $1,000,000 Duck
Little Mary: But, Mother, even when the ladies do do things, they stop it when they get the lovie-dovies.
Mary: The what?
Little Mary: Like in the movies, Mother. Ladies always end up so silly. Lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey all the time!
"The number one metaphor I have in my mind for writing a screenplay is that...you're trying to climb a mountain blindfolded. And the funny thing about that is, you think, 'Okay, that's hard because you're climbing up a rock face, and you don't know where you're going, and you don't know where the top is, you can't see what's below you...' But actually the hardest part about climbing a mountain blindfolded is just finding the mountain."
— Michael Arndt
"You have kept me at your beck and call for fifteen years. I shall never again do what you demand of me. By every rule of single combat, from this moment your life belongs to me. Is that not correct? Then I shall simply declare you dead. In all of your dealings with me, you'll do me the courtesy to conduct yourself as a dead man. I have submitted to your notions of honor long enough. You will now submit to mine."
— Armand d'Hubert, The Duellists
Iím not sure I can buy destiny, free will and time travel all in the same story. Any two of the three, maybe.
"The ultimate barometer for a film's success is whether it's more interesting than watching the same actors having dinner."
— Gene Siskel
Liu, I hate this place. I'm telling you, I hate it. I'm in a hostile environment, I'm completely unprepared, and I'm surrounded by people who probably want to kick my ass. It's like being back in high school!
— Johnny Cage, on Outworld in the Mortal Kombat movie.
"This we do for pleasure, so that we may shortly be at the mercy of venomous snakes and poisonous ants. How foolish can human creatures be."
—Miss McCraw, Picnic at Hanging Rock
In Hollywood it's dog eat dog; it's worse than that, it's "dog doesn't return other dog's phone calls".
—Woody Allen, Crimes and Misdemeanors
Scared? You're talking to a man who laughs in the face of death, sneers at doom, and chuckles at catastrophe. I was petrified.
— The Wizard, The Wizard of Oz
Here: if you have a milkshake... and I have a milkshake... and I have a straw; there it is, thatís the straw, see? Watch it. My straw reaches across the room... and starts to drink your milkshake: I... drink... your... MILKSHAKE! [slurps] I DRINK IT UP!
— Daniel Plainview, There Will Be Blood
Milo Thatch: Oh, my decision? I think we've seen how effective my decisions have been. Let's recap. I lead a band of plundering vandals to the greatest archaeological find in recorded history, thus enabling the kidnap and/or murder of the royal family, not to mention personally delivering the most powerful force known to man into the hands of a mercenary nutcase who's probably gonna sell it to the Kaiser! Have I left anything out?!
Dr. Sweet: Well, you did set the camp on fire and drop us down that big hole.
Milo Thatch: Thank you! Thank you very much!
Vince: We've done a lot of things we're not proud of ... Robbing graves, plundering tombs, double-parking ... But nobody ever got hurt. Well, maybe somebody got hurt ... but nobody we knew.
There is no doubt being human is incredibly difficult and cannot be mastered in one lifetime.
— Unity, Thief of Time
"Many man have tried the drug... so many, but none has succeeded."
"They tried and failed, all of them?"
"Oh, no." She shook her head. "They tried and died."
Chorus: "We are the chorus, and we agree. We agree, we agree, we agree."
Bill: So you think youíve got us, hey? Think youíre pretty clever, hey? Youíll never press us into your damned navy.
Lemuel: Snappy riposte.
Captain: Devastating put-down.
Bill: What! Iím not good enough for the Royal Navy? Iíll have you know I was sailoring before you could walk, young fellow. Why, I can pull twice the weight of these young jackanapes hereÖ
Officer: Well, if youíre anxious to join up, perhaps we could accommodate you. We can always use a few more powder monkeys.
— The Invasion Of Sandy Bay, "Chapter 2"
A package of banknotes, to the value of fifty-five thousand pounds, had been taken from the principal cashier's table, that functionary being at the moment engaged in registering the receipt of three shillings and sixpence. Of course he could not have his eyes everywhere.
Prophetic warnings usually culminate with an "unless" clause.
— David Frum, review of That Used to Be Us
"It's a new disease, unknown to medical history, which I call 'the jumping-up-from-the-chair-and-screaming syndrome.'"
— Tina, The Mysterious Disappearance of Leon (I Mean Noel)
Should one believe this? Of course. Did it actually happen? Of course not.
— Sid Fleischman, Escape!: The Story of The Great Houdini
Pretty Butterfly: "But there are causes worth dying for!"
Rincewind: "No there aren't! Because you only have one life, but you can pick up another five causes on any street corner!"
Pretty Butterfly: "Good grief, how can you live with a philosophy like that?"
Of course, ten is a heroic age for most kids. They remind me in many ways of the Homeric Greeks. They are quarrelsome and combative; they have a strong and touchy sense of honor; they believe that every affront must be repaid, and with interest; they are fiercely loyal to their friends, even though they may change friends often; they have little sense of fair play, and greatly admire cunning and trickery; they are both highly possessive and very generous—no smallest trifle may be taken from them, but they are likely to give anything away if they feel so disposed.
— John Holt, How Children Fail
Odd that we don't do the same with lesser tragedies. You never hear, "My golf game has gone to prison." Or, "This is an AIDS of a traffic jam."
— Max Lucado, on casual use of the word hell, 3:16—The Numbers of Hope
Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others.
Human life is mainly a process of filling in time until the arrival of death or Santa Claus.
— Eric Berne, Games People Play
Women, as some witty Frenchman once put it, inspire us with the desire to do masterpieces and always prevent us from carrying them out.
Some say the glass is half-full; some say the glass is half-empty; I say I will cut my lip on the glass and bleed to death.
— Adam Cadre, reviewing ''City of Glass''
I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library.
It seems to be one of the principles of fashion that once an exaggeration has been decided on it becomes ever more exaggerated.
— James Laver, The Concise History of Costume and Fashion
I think I found an even stronger term for friendship than yours, 246, and I'll say it to you now: Supervisor 246, I was, am, and always will be, primus inter pares, your friend, Tom.
— Paul Robinson, Instrument of God
It was a warship, after all. It was built, designed to glory in destruction, when it was considered appropriate. It found, as it was rightly and properly supposed to, an awful beauty in both the weaponry of war and the violence and devastation which that weaponry was capable of inflicting, and yet it knew that attractiveness stemmed from a kind of insecurity, a sort of childishness.
If you should be afflicted with a hump, for example, but firmly believe the Almighty somehow needs your hump to realize His Cosmic Design and that it was therefore or≠dained along with the rest of Creation, why, then you may be easily reconciled to your deformity. If, however, they tell you that it's merely the result of a misplaced molecule, an atom or two that happened to go the wrong way, then noth≠ing remains for you but to bay at the moon.
A great many rulers, good and bad and quite often dead, know what happened; a rare few actually manage, by dint of much effort, to know what's happening. Lord Vetinari considered both types to lack ambition.
L. Bob Rife: You're a dead man. You're stuck on the Raft, asshole. I got a million Myrmidons here. You gona kill 'em all?
Hiro Protagonist: Swords don't run out of ammo.
"Passion has overthrown tyrants and freed prisoners and slaves. Passion has brought justice where there was savagery. Passion has created freedom where there was nothing but fear. Passion has helped souls rise from the ashes of their horrible lives and build something better, something stronger, more beautiful."
—Harry Dresden, White Night
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.
— Evelyn Beatrice Hall, The Friends of Voltaire
Remember that stories are more than just words, more than fairy tales. They are magic.
—Valya Dudycz Lupescu, "The Silence of Trees"
Isn't it amazing how you can make your point with a bit of fruit and a nice, big hammer?
— Adrian Edmondson, Britain Beware
Sebastian: That man must have done some serious drugs in The Sixties.
Medieval Man: I am feudal - I believe in doing what His Lordship tells me.
Renaissance Man: I'm an optimist - I believe in progress.
Modern Man: I'm New Labour, so I don't believe in anything.
— 2000 Today
Guest: I'd like to make a complaint.
Colin: Well, we'd all like to make complaints, wouldn't we? I personally would - I've had a whoor of a life - but where do we get with moaning? Nowhere!
— Happy Hollidays
You're a repressed, withdrawn adolescent and I've got a degree so shut up!
— Ben Elton, Alfresco
"Police say that they are looking for a black man in his twenties. And that they always will be"
— Russell Howard, Unlikely Lines to Hear on Crimewatch, Mock the Week
"Tonight, The Great Train Robbery: London to Glasgow, £235 return."
— Hugh Dennis, Unlikely Lines to Hear on Crimewatch, Mock the Week
"And it rained for forty days and forty nights, which was a surprise, because the Met Office had predicted a barbecue summer"
— Andy Parsons, Unlikely Lines to Read in the Bible, Mock the Week
Eggs, milk... pie. All the basic food groups.
— Alton Brown, Feasting on Asphalt
"Another way we can drive people away from the cinema is by showing you advertisements."
— Monty Python's Flying Circus (episode 13)
"If only we knew who 'They' were... And why 'They' were doing it.... Who are 'Them'?"
— Charles (Graham Chapman), Monty Python's Flying Circus (episode 7)
...The Hollywood sign itself is copyrighted, and for me to allow it to appear on screen would cost us thousands of dollars. I can however call the people who own the copyright a bunch of money grabbing bastards for nothing!
— Charlie Brookers Screenwipe, the USA Special
Now I know it may seem like a monkey could do this job but it can't. True story.
— Kenny Daley, Frasier
Jimmy Carr: It's just so stupid, isn't it? Beating your wife, I mean, it's your wife. It's like keying your own car.
David Mitchell: Society just got a tiny bit worse.
Jimmy Carr: I like to think I can help.
"My God, newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years. How is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays. I like their music. I like their sense of style. I especially like what they've done with Halloween, but our thing is that you are a little girl. That's who you are."
— Dr. Cox, Scrubs
Geoffrey: Forget about perfection! There's nothing more boring than perfection. Imprecision. Fear. That's what gets them to their feet.
Jack: Yeah? Well I should be brilliant, then.
—Slings and Arrows, "Playing the Swan"
Of all the people to survive, he's not the one you would have chosen, is he? But if you could choose, Doctor, if you could decide who lives and who dies, that would make you a monster.
— Mr. Copper, Doctor Who, "Voyage of the Damned"
I don't like anyone to whom the adjective "maverick" might be applied. Cutter practically owns the copyrights.
— James Lester, Primeval, Episode 2.
Don't forgive and never forget; Do unto others before they do unto you; and third and most importantly, keep your eye on your friends, because your enemies will take care of themselves.
— JR Ewing, Dallas
Do you four boys take these two girls to be your seven brides?
— school play sketch from Monty Python's Flying Circus
Of course. Now the groundbreaking 20/20 hindsight policy kicks into gear.
The ultimate snowball is not a snowball at all, but fear. Merry Christmas.
— Dwight Schrute, The Office
"It's not really a party until the bomb squad says it is."
—Tony DiNozzo, NCIS
I don't think much of blind loyalty, but I think a lot less of blind betrayal.
— President Josiah Bartlet, The West Wing
Look out, honey, 'cause I'm using technology!
— The Stooges, "Search and Destroy"
That's sad, that's right,
Of someone else's fantasy...
— The Levellers, Fantasy
"Why, I don't even know what onomatopoeia is, or a trope!"
— Lorenz Hart, quoted in Take Them Up Tenderly by Margaret Case Harriman
Some people have everything, and other people don't
But everything don't mean a thing if it ain't the thing you want
— Charles Wright & the Watts 103rd Street Rhythm Band, ''Express Yourself'
"He must be a successful composer... a musician with quality"
"Yes, one of them"
What does it matter to you?
When you got a job to do
You gotta do it well—
Born on third, thinks he got a triple.
— Pearl Jam, "Bu$hleaguer"
I wanna be a B-grade actor,
Star alongside Terri Hatcher.
With expertise in over-acting
I'm just a copy of the real thing!
Start my career on a daytime soap,
I got nominated for a Golden Globe.
Still no-one can remember my name.
I'm just destined for B-Grade fame!
— Sounds Like Chicken, "Entrails"
Now you may find it inconceivable, or at the very least a bit unlikely,
That the relative position of the planets and the stars
Could have a special deep significance or meaning
That exclusively applies to only you,
But let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
Are all based on solid scientific documented evidence,
So you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize
That every single one of them is absolutely true.
—"Weird Al" Yankovic, "Your Horoscope for Today"
Don't the hours grow shorter as the days go by
We never get to stop and open our eyes
One minute you're waiting for the sky to fall
And next you're dazzled by the beauty of it all
—Bruce Cockburn, Lovers In A Dangerous Time
Rabinovich: Don't you forget that United States has been the greatest contributor of our current democracy
Mundstock: And our former dictatorships
— Les Luthiers on the Himnovaciones routine
I was unhappy. I lived a sad and bitter life. I couldn't keep a job. I had dandruff. My wife spent her time nagging me, my children asked me more attention. Until one day a friend of mine lent me the Warren Sanchez's Record "Seeking The Path" And from that day on my life changed. I left the suffering, I left the sadness, I left my job, my wife and my kids...
The language and concepts contained herein are guaranteed not to cause eternal torment in the place where the guy with the horns and pointed stick conducts his business.
The clash of honor calls to stand when others fall
Gods of war feel the power of my sword!
— Manowar, The Power of thy Sword
Well, I dreamed I saw the silver spaceships flying
In the yellow haze of the sun
There were children crying and colors flying
All around the chosen ones
All in a dream, all in a dream
The loading had begun
Flyin' Mother nature's silver seed
To a new home in the sun
Flyin' Mother nature's silver seed
To a new home...
— Neil Young, "After the Gold Rush"
What good is power if you're out of control?
— The Megas, "Gamma Unchained"
The screenwriter stood up and told us that all the loose ends had been
tied, justice is irrelevant
Violent problems need violent solutions
Bucky: Ferrets are guilty of what is called original sin. Do you know what that is?
Satchel: Yeah, yeah! I've seen that on TV! That's, like, when someone refinishes an old chair and ruins its value, right?
"Note to readers: Naturally, there is no such thing as a veeblefetzer! This grotesque designation is used merely to disguise our real operation which is such a good idea that we want to protect the idea from being stolen by any unscrupulous operators... mainly you readers!"
—MAD, "Gasoline Valley"
Todd Grisham: Come on, Ricardo! You can do it!
Josh Matthews: No he can't! What is he gonna do, Todd?
Jerry Lawler: Pat Patterson's turning over in his grave.
Michael Cole: He's not dead!
"This is everything C.M. Punk stands against. That licentious behavior, going out to the discotechque, listeing to the hip and the hop music..."
— Matt Striker, WWE Friday Night Smackdown!
"Where are you, Cena?... Maybe you're walking around there trying to find your next movie script. Yeah, I mailed it to The Rock. He ran out of toilet paper."
— The Miz, WWE Monday Night Raw 4-May-2009
"It's the final Raw of 2008! I'm fired up! Let's do something big! Crazy! Get a monster truck to crush a car! Or shoot a man out of a cannon! Or remake Smokey and the Bandit! Something!"
— John Cena, WWE Monday Night Raw, 29-DEC-2008
I prey on the innocent. It's how I made my fortune, and, quite frankly, it's fun.
— John Bradshaw Layfield, WWE Monday Night Raw
They don't serve diet soda at the Palace of Wisdom.
—John Morrison, ECW on Sci-Fi
"The problem with William Shakespeare's comedies is that they're just like Seventies rock bands: they're all the same."
— Austin Tichenor, The Reduced Shakespeare Radio Show
In every Trooper training class, there is one kid with an impenetrable air of mystery. He doesn't participate in class discussions, and no one can tell what he's thinking. These kids mystify their teachers, and so the thoughtful educators kick them out of school and send them to study under the local Ancient ZenMaster. Invariably, it turns out that these kids are just nearsighted, but by the time anyone finds this out it is too late and they are well on their way to becoming Ninjas.
"For awhile, Pippin didn't show much enthusiasm for the work. But as time went on, he showed no enthusiasm at all."
— Catherine, Pippin
"I would love to help humanity on a Warner Brothers salary."
— Dr. Jim Bayliss, All My Sons
My wrath is as fearsome as my countenance is splendid.
— The Angel, Angels In America
"It is strange with your American songs. In all of them one is either desirous to get rid of one's lover, or one weeps for a man one cannot have."
— Emile, South Pacific
"I do not long for all one sees
— Bunthorne, Recitative from Patience
To have a credit read "Entire production conceived and staged by John Doe" is ridiculous. It's like saying "Entire part of Mother played by Lizzy Flop."
— George Abbott
You probably think that virtue is not going to be rewarded. But don't give up yet, because if Cinderella does not wind up happy, we will give all you your money back. And there is a fat chance of that.
Nathan: "I O U one thousand dollars," signed "X"! How is it you can write one thousand, but you cannot write your signature?
Big Jule: I was good in arithmetic, but I stunk in English.
"We must think of a test that sounds fair, and looks fair, and seems fair, and isn't fair!"
— Queen, Once Upon a Mattress
. . . I have set my life upon a cast,
And I will stand the hazard of the die.
The mistake began when God was created in a male image. Of course, women would see Him that way, but men should have been gentlemen enough, remembering their mothers, to make God a woman! But the God of Gods—the Boss—has always been a man. That makes life so perverted, and death so unnatural. We should have imagined life as created in the birth-pain of God the Mother... Now wouldn't that be more logical and satisfying than having God a male whose chest thunders with egotism and is too hard for tired heads and thoroughly comfortless?
— Nina, Strange Interlude (maybe someone should tell her about the Holy Mary)
I sort of hate to ask it,
But what's a rhyme for "basket"?
— Forbidden Broadway, "Into The Words"
''Really splendid tonight, Richard — I must tell you that. The entire section we spoke of from "To be or not to be" through the Nunnery Scene was excellent — I almost liked it.
— John Gielgud's director's notes to Richard Burton, on Hamlet
Well, Dad. I figured there's no need to stand on ceremony when the ceremony is as ridiculous as this.
Yes, it's a goofy name, but you're not likely to forget it, are you? I'm tired of all the DM levels with the same names: "Frag You," "Frag Fest," "Frag Yo Momma," etc.
"The living may not hear them. Their voices may fall upon deaf ears. But, make no mistake. The dead are not silent."
— The Sorrow, Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater
Raziel: You talk as though we're allies.
Kain: Regardless of your sentiments, Raziel, in their eyes - we are.
Raziel: Well, they're certainly trying to eliminate you, Kain, there can be no doubt of that. As for me, I suspect they made a grave error when they allowed my unique resurrection. I don't think they know how to destroy me.
Kain: You mustn't underestimate them, Raziel.
Raziel: And who exactly is this diabolical they to which we keep referring? If there's some grand conspiracy going on, the right hand doesn't appear to know what the left is doing.
— Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver 2
All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos. Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of 44.6 years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
— Cave Johnson, Portal 2
"When I first stole into this chamber centuries ago, I did not fathom the true power of knowledge. To know the future, Raziel, to see its paths and streams tracing out into the infinite. As a man, I could never have contained such forbidden truths. But each of us is so much more than we once were."
— Kain, Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver
He escaped into the waves.
"It seems that we have a great gap in our values."
— Bio-Haz, Great Greed
Why does this seem like the end of some cheesy made-for-TV movie?
— Yuko, Persona 3
Did everyone get it out of their system? Anyone have anything else? No? Nobody? Then let's get it over with! Ready, kid?
"I don't need to know, I have people to know for me"
— Scara B King, The Nameless Mod
"Don't worry - I hear heaven's a nice place. Say hello to Satoshi!"
(Wow, this lady makes Maya look like a 6.8/10 on the weirdness scale.)
— Phoenix, Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney: Trials and Tribulations
Largo: [...]shouldn't you be doing something more domestic than fighting with a sword? [..] Oh, it's you again. Hey, um.... Sorry about, you know, what I said the other day. My arms and legs are sorry, too. Oh...the bruises...
— Largo learns his lesson
Pearl Fey: Wow, you really know a lot about the Steel Samurai, Mr. Nick.
Phoenix Wright: ... (I don't know whether to laugh or cry that I know more about that show than a kid...)
— Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Justice For All
The person in question was a victim of murder, not ill-conceived naming, Mr. Wright.
— The Judge, Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney
Game designers: think of a single, sharp, spear-like mechanic, stick with it, set it in stone, and then make awesome levels. If there's a mood you want to go for, keep it in mind. In short: be cool, and you too can make a masterpiece. Even if your single mechanic is amazing, it doesn't mean anything without great levels. However, even a bare-bones mechanic (like, say, "running and jumping") can make for spectacular entertainment if the levels are great (Super Mario Bros. 3).
— Tim Rogers, on Another World
Since time before time the Vorlak had held the Crosshutch at Thraeskamp. The ancient reckoning held that the Five Skrelkampi (and their Truebine) would return when the great Trond-feast could be held anew and the Belnap reunited. But this legend became lost to all but the Papperboxen at Horbug. One of their own was Yallow the Speldrig, who found an unlikely pupil in Torbole Understeady, the discarded illigitimate waif of Wainthane Topknox, whom Yallow renamed Grumdrig and began to school as a boar-pulmet's apprentice. ...And, as it was said by some, in aberdoxy.
"This place is like an assbackwards of Robin Hood. The queen took every artifact of value from the poor, and put it on display for the rich"
— Ira, Jagged Alliance 2
I've said, before, that games can perhaps never be "art" because I seriously can't think of a single game that some jerk can't just pick up and immediately tilt the right analog stick to one side, cackling as the camera spins in circles.
— Tim Rogers, on Call of Duty 4.
"She is evil, a driven bitch."
— Ira, Jagged Alliance 2
I bet you were one of those people, who, when a teacher asked a question and asked if anyone knows the answer, raised your hand and said 'I don't'.
—Jick, Kingdom of Loathing
That's be so sweet, so ridiculously sweet... It's Sweetdiculous!
—Ryusei Date, Super Robot Wars
"Take that, oxygen-nitrogen atmosphere!"
—Sam and Max : Season One
"Why are you eating him?? I am a wizard! A delectable 18 intelligence right before you!"
— Vaarsuvius, The Order of the Stick
"Damn mortal. All of them have become too much of a nuisance to be ignored any longer. I'll have to deal with them all more directly. And by "directly" I mean "trying a bunch of other things on them before I snap and tear them limb from limb." But I win either way."
— Horde, Double-U Tea F
Jin: We have all the puzzle pieces in place!
Monica: The hell we do! You've taken all the puzzle pieces, scrambled them up, and slipped them in various peoples' pockets with the intent of later manipulating them to meet up and magically, in unison, pull a rabbit out of the ass of the fucking universe!
Jin: I know! It's going to be glorious!
"I always imagine a Senator just jumps up and shouts "FILIBUSTER!" and then everyone starts throwing beanbags at each other."
Sam Helix, what did I say to do if you feel an outburst of honesty coming on?
"Maybe it was an OK 2007 strip at the time, but audiences have changed. These days, I expect more out of 2007 humor."
Priest: GAH! You can't spray Cheez Wiz on the body of Christ!
Ralph: What? Why not? Jesus tastes too dry and stale.
"I'm going to ask what's going on, but that doesn't mean I want to participate."
Crystal: PICKLE DEATH ATTACK!
* Beat Panel*
Haley: So that's the sort of battle this is gonna be, huh?
Crystal: You're just jealous because you don't have a secret plan for beating me that's as awesome as my secret pickle plan for beating you. HA!
Ugh. How did they manage to make plastic welding rods sound boring?
"Ask me out or I'll shoot you! Right in the hair!"
"That's your finger."
"And all five of them are loaded!"
"If the Lord hadn't intended us to make jokes, He wouldn't have given us poodles."
"If you find yourself in a social situation, make threats."
— Tom Slidell, Gunnerkrigg Court
Repeat after me: 'Despite what magical girl anime has taught me, the monster does not go down with the first strike.'
— Hermod, Sparkling Generation Valkyrie Yuuki
Doctor Bunnigus: Actually, Commander, the headache is probably my fault. You've got some funny flavor of blood-nannies in your system. It took me almost a month to figure out how to quiesce the little bugsies before regeneration could start.
Kevyn: Define "funny."
Doctor Bunnigus: When it happens to you, rather than happening to me?
Kevyn: So. . . My bloodstream is full of slapstick.
Stephen: I made some fruit salad. Grapes and an orange.
Imagine what medieval peasants would say if you could explain to them the stuff that people waste most of their time worrying about these days.
How many times did I tell you that you're not supposed to drink the fluid in your cloning tank?
Sam: "Sandra, listen... I can't say you haven't earned self-pity. Morning'll come, and it'll be cruel, so take what you can get from this! You're gonna hurt, but you don't have to hurt now. Right?"
Jack: "I hurt. I hurt now. I have to."
Sam: "Well, you get self-pity too."
First Robot: "Not many people would risk themselves for a robot. We can pass the word through our community that this is a person to watch out for, and to help where we can."
Second Robot: "Wouldn't it be better to do something for her with a higher chance of success? Like buying her a lottery ticket? From last year's lottery?"
Stickman 2: Yeah, to be honest I think Hitler had the right idea.
Stickman 1: ...Only the wrong demographic.
"If you have a problem that you could fix but 'don't want to', you don't get to complain about it, you silly woman!"
"Sometimes we go to the diner where the way-too-attractive waitress pours us coffee and gives us broad smiles. She may look like a model but she's got flannel on and never isn't turning around with a coffee pot so she's one of us."
— Dan Hopper, "What Middle America Is Like According To Truck Commercials"
"Everyone knows that Bruce Wayne is a fictional character, so the true identity of Batman remains a mystery."
"Hearing the voice of God speaking to you is reassuring on one level, but on another level it means youíre hearing voices."
Let me tell you hon, you got to dress up right if you are going to fight the devil.
— Mantilla the Hon, Standing on my Head
Being a father or mother is an act of the whole person, not only a biological event.
— Comment from 4thought.tv website.
Justice should be about correcting and healing society, not corrupting it and turning everyone against individuals.
"Don't be clever with me, dick." She wasn't using my name or referring to the fact that I'm a private detective. She was just calling me a dick.
— Alastair Robertson, "The Drunk Detective"
"One thing I mused about while playing Metal Gear, is why, whenever your video game hero gets captured, does all his weapons and gear get conveniently stashed in a nearby storage room? If I were a video game villain, after capturing any heroes I found sneaking around my top secret base, I'd have all their weapons, health refills and pilfered key cards tossed in the incinerator. I would definitely NOT place everything unharmed in an unlocked room 20 yards from where I imprisoned aforementioned hero."
I haven't played a lot of Kirby games, but the whole Meta Knight thing seems rather glaringly out of place, in a game where the principal antagonists are a fat penguin in some knitwear. It's like an episode of the Care Bears where they all climb into giant mecha suits and sword fight over the last Jelly Baby.
"Imagine if these guys made Caligula: It would have been sixty minutes of a guy wearing a sheet in front of a green screen showing Gladiator, and the Roman guards would have stopped the orgy by prematurely assassinating the emperor!"
"It's not very interesting to be like, "here's the future!" and have a picture of a gigantic question mark."
"It just goes to show: never stick your dick in a pudding. It might still be a good pudding and you can spend all afternoon explaining that to people but no one's still going to eat it because YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN IT!"
"Why is it that squiggle lines hurt more than these rifle shells?"
— Joseph, Arfenhouse: The Movie
Nothing is perfect, no matter how much you pay.
— anonymous Etiquette Hell contributor
Nerd: Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to Cowabunga Corner?
Critic: Oh certainly, it's right off of Bodacious Boulevard.
Nerd: ...what the hell kind of city is this?
Critic: A fucking weird one.
Richard III? Basically just Richard II with a wacky ethnic sidekick.
— Michael Swaim, "6 Reasons Shakespeare Would've Written For Cracked.com"
(In response to a picture of The Boss)
Anon #1: "I'd hit it."
Anon #2: "You do not hit the Boss. The Boss hits you."
"Well, the truth is out there, it just turns out that the truth is really monumentally stupid."
"I shot my beam down and it went up anyways!"
— Kajet, Kajet vs. Big Wes
"[F]irm yet polite complaints garner more respect than obscenity-laden all-caps rants involving Opus Dei and the Carlyle Group."
And so then Mulder and Scully show up with Boris and Natasha eh-WAIT A SECOND!!!
Dexter Reed: About this contract, man....what would you say we'd just....forget it?
Ed: You don't wanna be partners?
Dexter Reed: Well.... no. See...
Ed: Is it because I'm black?
(The Nostalgia Critic: GASP! A funny joke!)
— Good Burger
"That's a total of 205 Dumbass Points, which would be a record even if this weren't the first time I'd ever mentioned or tallied them."
— Bryan Lambert, You Are Dumb
"I've heard of the term "the banality of evil" and somehow this game achieves it although not in the way I think it was intended."
"You'd think Zordon would be a lot smarter to say something like 'Alpha, Rita's escaped, bring me the five greatest martial artists on the planet!' or 'Alpha, get me Chuck Norris, Jet Li, Steven Segal, Triple H and Bruce Campbell!'"
Chief Maintenance Officer Bowen has found a T.T. Fiddlesticks family eatery seemingly growing out of the upper echelons of the Area 6 Ventilation Control Tower. DynaMars Corporation has no idea how it was constructed, and certainly did not authorize it. DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind all Ares Station residents that T.T. Fiddlesticks is an unauthorized incursion and is currently being boycotted.
No! No! No! No! No! You stupid bitch, no! You don't - hey! You don't get to die! You don't get to die, it's not that easy!
— Jonas Wharton, lonelygirl15, "Handcuffed"
"Fairy tales do not tell dragons that children exist. Dragons already know that children exist. Fairy tales tell dragons that children are delicious."
At no time shall Romeo slap Tybalt with a fish.
Thermonuclear hand grenades do not exist in any genre except Paranoia.
..."hiding out" feels a lot like "waiting to die."
— Linc D, Pleasantries.
Strong Bad: Now, it may not make a lotta sense, but when have I ever been backed down from a bad idea, right? Now let's get this train wreck a-rollin'!
Gavin: Show's over, Lee. Turn- turn the camera off.
Lee: What are you talking about?
Gavin: Go and- go and post today's episode. Idiot.
Lee: Gavin, I really don't see...
Gavin: It's a show, Lee! It's an Internet TV show! Open your eyes; wake up.
— KateModern, "Fictionality".
Online you can get gorgeous models to do whatever you want; in real life, you're a loser with no friends.
So I'll say the same thing about No More Heroes that I say about Killer7 and EarthBound and Branston Pickle: As flawed as it is, get it anyway, because you will never experience anything else like it. God knows what would happen if you spread Branston Pickle onto No More Heroes—possibly the universe would end. And it would be awesome.
— Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw on No More Heroes
Knowing something intellectually and having a fucking gun pointed at you are two very different things.
— Jennie, lonelygirl15, "Long Drive Home"
If only there was a way to get someone who's better than you at a thing to do that thing for you.
— Tallahassee, Overcompensating
Truth hurts, ignorance kills
For instance, if developers had to go into a lengthy in-game explanation of why a fat middle age plumber from Brooklyn is the obvious choice to save a princess from a fire breathing dragon and his fearsome army of turtles (not that a fat middle aged plumber couldnít do that of course), I dare say it would make the game so convoluted that it would detract somewhat from the overall experience. So gamers were just sort of expected to accept it, and thatís what we did.
(...) Let's recap to make sure we got this straight, OK? Alright: You wait for randomly flashing staircases to appear, in which you try to find a randomly appearing key, which randomly appears within the randomly appearing staircases, and then try to collect a random number of cherries that randomly appear as you kick palm trees (...) It's just so random! You know? How many times have I used the word random and appear? But that's exactly what's happening! Stuff appears, or doesn't appear or randomly does something else! I feel like a guinea pig in an experiment where they're testing the effects of negative reinforcement!
"They say only the good die young. If it works the other way too, I'm immortal."
— Dogbert, Dilbert, "The Shroud of Wally"
''"Calling all units, calling all units. A squad of bikini models is being held hostage inside a donut shop. Proceed with caution"
— Elise, Dan Vs., "The Dinosaur"
"Yes, after the moon coming up twice, and the sun coming up three times, I have done it."
— Dexter, Dexter's Laboratory, "Used Ink"
"She surrendered her individuality for a boy. I'm so proud of her."
— Paulina, Danny Phantom, "Memory Blank"
"M. Bersback, Ember's back. That's not a clue, that's a billboard."
— Sam, Danny Phantom, "Pirate Radio"
Elise: You want me to kill it? What happened to humanly capture.
Boss: The people need to know their government can protect them from all enemies. Be it foreign, domestic, or prehistoric
Elise: But, sir that doesn't seem moral.
Boss: Neither is selling guns to third world countries. Whats your point?
— Dan Vs., "The Dinosaur"
Finn: What's going on with the costumes?
Fire Actor: This is a theater troupe. We are getting rrready to preform for the king. Everyone in the kingdom shall be in attendance. Of course, you know all this being fellow actors from the exact same troupe.
— Adventure Time, "Ignition Point"
Danny: Divorce? What?! Jazz, did you just hear that?
Jasmine: Hear what? Mom yelling at Dad? Relax, sheíll get over it.
Danny: *chsh* Yeah, but I-I have never heard her so mad!
Jasmine: Of course sheís mad, and if Iím right, Dad will once again cluelessly do nothing to apologize to her.
Jack: Thatís where youíre wrong, Jasmine. I have been a little preoccupied with ghosts lately, so Iím traveling to your Aunt Aliciaís in Spittoon, Arkansas to apologize, and give your mother the greatest anniversary gift ever! Wish me luck! Oh, and call me if you see a ghooooost!
Danny: Jazz? Are Mom and Dad gonna split up?
Jasmine: I wasÖ wrong?
Danny: Jazz? Jazz!
Jasmine: Wait. Heís going to Arkansas? To apologize? I was wrong?
— Danny Phantom, "Prisoners of Love"
"I donít understand. Every piece of evidence I have indicates that Dad would never be self-aware enough to realize he made a mistake! If Iím wrong about this, what else could I have been wrong about?"
— Jasmine, Danny Phantom, "Prisoners of Love"
Ohio: Care to come with us?
Baljeet look alike: And spoil my carefully calculated air of selfishness and unconcern? Not until the last second thank you very much
— Phineas and Ferb, "Phineas and Ferb and the Temple of Juatchadoon"
"What is that? Is that... Is that free will? Obey me minion."
— Freak Show, Danny Phantom, "Control Freaks"
SpongeBob: Go, run away like all the others. No-one would want a friend as ugly as I am!
Patrick: Sure they would! It makes them feel better about the way they look.
—SpongeBob SquarePants - "Something Stinks"
Flash: There are so many reasons why that shouldn't have worked.
— Justice League, "Hereafter"
Dr. Venture: That's ridiculous! There's no such thing as Santa Claus!
Dr. Orpheus: Not since he was killed by a jet in 1963, no. Nor has there been a Krampus since the pope cast him into purgatory during Vatican II. But your boys seem to have inadvertently released him from his chains.
Hank: Dean did it! I wanted to read the Grinch!
Thanks, but no thanks, Major Stupidity. You and General Nonsense will have to carry on without me.
—Squidward, SpongeBob SquarePants
Eggplant Wizard: No! Wait! It was an accident!
King Hippo: Oh, I'll give you an accident on purpose!
"Do not move against me. Do not disobey me. Do as I command and you will receive unimaginable rewards."
— Cobra Commander, G.I. Joe: Resolute
Richard Dean Anderson, of the four "Star" franchises: Wars, Trek, Gate, and Search, "Gate" is easily in my top three!
— Comic Book Guy, The Simpsons
"Arnold, it's art vs commerce, and commerce always wins. I saw it on a wall street show."
—Gerald, Hey Arnold!, episode "Runaway Float"
This question is not about who got the short end of the stick. Itís the question of how to proceed with movement building based on our common struggles with homohaters...Rightwing and unprincipled people in the GLBT movement sometimes reflect the backwardness and ugliness of their societies. They contaminate our common struggle with tirades reflecting their transphobia, immigrant bashing, racism, islamophobia and misogyny. They degrade our struggle and create divisions based on their mistaken claim that one part of the movement is somehow more important than the rest.
— Bill Perdue on remembering Queer victims of the Holocaust.
There are always lessons to be learned from the stupidity of others.
— Sean Hannity, on the arrest of Rod Blagojevich.
We were advertising computers, not baby-killing machines.
— David Mitchell, responding to criticism of him and Robert Webb for advertising Mac computers.
Never was so much shown by so few to so many.
—Attributed to an unknown officer of RAF Hornchurch in 1942, commenting on a performance of the "Windmill Girls" (Google search NSFW!).
We're talking about story-telling, the most basic human need. Food? That's an animal need. Shelter? That's a luxury item that leads to social grouping, which leads directly to fancy scarves. But human awareness is all about story-telling. The selective narrative of your memory. The story of why the Sky Bully throws lightning at you. From the first, stories, even unspoken, separated us from the other, cooler beasts.
"We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true."
—Robert Wilensky, University of California
"I am dying!"
— Mathematician Leonhard Euler, last words
When someone dies so young, the pity of it and the waste of it touch us all. But when he or she dies of AIDS, there should be anger as well as pity, and a resolve to fight this insidious disease and the prejudice it arouses, and not to rest until we have a cure.
— Carl, The Laying on of Hands
Thou who passest on this path,
If haply thou dost mark this monument,
Laugh not, I pray thee, though it is a dog's grave.
Tears fell for me, and the dust was heaped above me
By a master's hand.
— Greek epitaph
Death: SHALL WE GO?
Death: WHERE DO YOU THINK?
Death: HIGH OPINION OF YOURSELF.
Death: I DIDN'T SAY THE OPINION WAS UNJUSTIFIED.
"It's a pretty damn hard act to follow." Normally that phrase is used because the last person was so good. This is more along the lines of "it's hard to follow that guy's act, because as he left he set the stage on fire. Literally."
— An Anon, regarding recent events in Batman
The lady didn't wait around,
But lightly leapt upon the ground,
Stood with her back before his nose,
Lifted her tunic, touched her toes,
And said, "Your face goes here, Sir Knight."
But when her—
— Unknown 13th century French poetry, translated excerpt
"Remember, friends come and go, but enemies accumulate."
— Brian Kantor, ASR
No, I swear it! I have a fully operational pulse! D: I enjoy walking at brisk paces! I can speak... somewhat coherently! They're just making the cranium sound like a convenient ice box for marshmallows and ice cream and lovely sweet things...
— Hannah(Sarn) from the NTWF
Do not take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive.
— Elbert Hubbard/Van Wilder/Bugs Bunny