Funny / The Cinema Snob 2016 Episodes

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Old Fashioned

• The Snob's sheer hatred for this movie is both this, and pretty awesome.
• Brad constantly compares Clay Walsh to a serial killer/creep.
  Clay: Cabin in the woods, cases of bottled water, not a single distraction, foundation for intimacy.
  Snob: On the surface, that sounds like a good idea for a honeymoon. But coming from this guy, it makes him sound like THE UNABOMBER!
• "Are all current and former deejays named Brad complete dickheads?"^note Brad Jones, who plays the Snob, used to be a deejay.
• When Clay asks Amber how many sexual partners she's had in the past ten years, Brad says, while lowering each finger with the count to his middle "Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and FUCK OFF WITH THAT QUESTION!"
• After Clay takes Amber to church as a date (complete with terrible child choir):
  Brad: (takes off glasses, briefly chews on them) I was once on a date to see the remake of That Darn Cat!... That seems like a better date than this!
• The two times Snob in confusion asks what kind of dates Clay was on is pitch perfect.
• Snob's reaction to Clay's snarky remark after hearing that Amber broke up with her ex, who was abusive.
  Snob: So she went from a physically abusive relationship... to a emotionally abusive one. [sighs in disbelief]

Enter the Ninja

• "Good! Ninjas killing people! We're back to normal! Cause I guess that's normal for me..."
• The Call-Back to The Apple.
• In a scene where two ninjas jump down a waterfall:
  White ninja: I didn't think this throooough! The water is gonna be very hard to clean out of white!
  Black ninja: I don't have that probleeeeem!
• Realizing one guy is the grandpa from Silent Night, Deadly Night.
• Adding a comedic bump once the screen goes black.
• The infamous "worst death ever" brings back Brad's character dying the same way in Ninja the Mission Force.
• The sad saga of Kung Tai Ted continues as he has now fallen out of his wheelchair and is trying to reach for a can of Mountain Dew only to find that it's empty.
  Snob: Goddammit! Stop making me sad!

Zombie 3

• The intro, recapping all other Zombie movies with Snob getting annoyed with each one.
• "And then she became the Joker!"

The Oogieloves in The Big Balloon Adventure

• Again, the Snob's sheer hatred for the movie, of the Enraged by Idiocy in this case, leads to plenty of laughter.
  Snob: I don't think this movie was made for me.
• The title card, featuring a Chibi Snob angry at the Oogieloves.
• The Snob's reviews usually begin with a reasonably objective summary of the film's history and context, leaving the snark for afterwards. This film?:
  The Oogieloves is the brainchild of a fucking idiot!
• Snob snarks about the Lionsgate logo, which looks like a lot of complicated grinding gears, "This is what your brain feels like trying to watch this movie."
• "And you can all relax; the movie starts out annoying!"
  (The film cuts from the Kenn Viselman Productions title card to Goobie)
  Goobie: Welcome to our movie!
  Snob: I'm not here by choice!
• Zoozie is way too excited about the movie...
  Zoozie: This is the most amazing movie ever!
  Snob: YOU'RE BIASED!
• In one shot, Goobie and Zoozie begin to dance, but the way their right arm sticks out looks too close to a Nazi salute for the Snob's liking.
  Snob: (with a circle on Toofie) This guy looks like he just found out something horrible about his friends.
• After J. Edgar loses the balloons and lets them fly away:
  Snob: Okay, just go back to the Five Below you got them from and buy some more.
• After Goobie and Zoozie deliver a painful pun ("Is that a teapot in a tree?" "No, it's a tree-pot!"), the Snob snarls, sputters Angrish, pulls a wine glass out of his suit, and crushes it in his hands.
• He's genuinely baffled by their Arbitrary Skepticism regarding the talking magical balloon.
  Snob: You have a talking pillow and a talking vacuum cleaner. How is this hard for you to believe!?
• "If I wanted a song about milkshakes, I'll stick to Can't Stop the Music... Because clearly there's a gun to my head, forcing me to make this choice!"
• The Snob's increasing frustration over the film's excruciating insistence on beating the "Toofie's pants keep falling down" joke into the ground:
  Snob: I will staple them to your GODDAMN ASS!!!
  • The accidental rhyme that line becomes since the Running Gag Catchphrase is "Goofy Toofie, pick up your pants!"
  • He eventually yells at Toofie, "Buy a fucking belt!"
• Snob tries (unsuccessfully) to preempt Rosalie Rosebud's obligatory musical number:
  Rosalie: Sing? Did somebody say..."sing"?
  Snob: No, I said "Fuck you!"
  • He also comments that "You sang 'Unbreak My Heart'. What in the hell are you doing here?!"
• Also his bewilderment at the nature of the film's plot that he has to relay:
  Snob: It's their pillow Schluufy's birthday... That's a sentence I just said!
  Snob: He's^note Lero Sombrero jealous that she's^note Lola Sombrero gonna fuck a fish! That's a thing that just happened!
• The Snob constantly mocking the "lessons" being relayed in the film.
  Snob: Remember, kids: if your balloon is stuck on top of the tallest tree, don't get an adult! Just climb the sucker yourself and let the balloon carry you safely down. What the hell kind of advice is that?
  Snob: So you see kids, if you're allergic to something, just surround yourself with a lot of that product and you'll be fine! It's okay to sit down, because you just ate a lot of peanuts that you're allergic to, and now you're dead.
  Snob: Hear that, kids? Something stuck in a high place? Lean over at an angle that'll make you fall and die!
• All of the Snob's lines about how terrifying Bobby Wobbly is. Especially funny (and disturbing) because they're all completely true.
  Snob: Time to get out of your seat and run, because Bobby Wobbly wants to wobble while wearing your skin!
  • When Bobby invites the Oogieloves to join him for a wobble:
    Snob: Kids, if someone says: "Join me for a wobble," just buy another balloon.
• Just after the Oogieloves retrieve all of their balloons, the Snob mimics J. Edgar telling them they brought the wrong balloons home just to pad the film's length even further. The Snob gets even more pissed off by what actually happens next: the Oogieloves themselves lose control of the balloons, only to bring them back down to earth by blowing them kisses.
  Snob: (with simmering Tranquil Fury) All you had to do... was blow kisses at them... and they would return home? And you could do that... this entire time?!
• This quip during the final song and dance number during Schlufy's birthday party:
  Snob: And then they sacrificed Schlufy the Pillow to their god, The Grimace.

War Room

• Miss Clara bemoaning teenage boys with saggy pants.
  Miss Clara: I'm tired of seeing all these young boys with sloppy hair and pants around their knees. A man wears his pants around his waist.
  Snob: That's not how the line goes! The line goes "Goofy Toofie, pick up your pants!"
  • Another Call-Back: "stab stab stab dead jail end credits".
• "Miss Clara is basically a laugh-track character, in that everything she says can instantly be followed with a studio reaction."
  Miss Clara: It's my sittin' room.
  Elizabeth: Hm. What do you do in here?
  Miss Clara: Mainly sit.
  (Audience laughs)
  Miss Clara: Can't do nothin' with my phone but call folks. Must be a dumbphone.
  (Audience laughs)
  Snob: (Fake laughs) Ugh, this makes Mama's Family look like Frasier.
• At the end, Snob brings up how negative reviews of the film garnered backlash. One notable example being Matt Fagerholm's review on Rogerebert.com, where many of the commenters thought that Ebert had written it.
  Snob: Mmm... yes. I too thought that Roger's ghost was a little hard on that movie he didn't see.
  • In another case of mistaken identity, though this time likely for comedy, Snob agrees with a tweet saying that Jamie Foxx should win an Oscar for his performance in War Room.
    Snob: It was like it wasn't even him!
  • "As the commenters on Rogerebert.com would say: "This review is the worst one, that I, the Nostalgia Critic have done."

Second Glance

• "Hey Scotty!"
• Given two characters are named Doug and Tamara, Snob wonders why Malcolm is absent.
• After Scotty upsets one of his teachers for supposedly cheating on a test:
  Snob: Hope you're happy, Dan! You got suspended, and Mr. Melner hung himself that night! You were apparently his only hope!
• Snob trying to make sense out of the It's a Wonderful Plot, particularly why Daniel not being a Christian would case such differences ("So only Christians help people?") and how Daniel barely cares how his sister doesn't exist anymore.
  • Especially how Daniel cares more that Alt!Scotty commited suicide than him erasing his sister from existence.
• At one point, two girls start fighting over Daniel, prompting Snob to compare his alt!life to an episode of Dynasty, and then saying that even he wants to befriend him. And then one of the girls is (lying about being) pregnant:
  Snob: Oops... Nevermind. Dan is in a shitty MTV reality show. I'll pass!
• After someone accuses Dan of being on drugs because he keeps assuming Alt!Scotty is still alive:
  Snob: He better be on drugs! Guardian angel? Drugs? I rarely get to break out the Wired poster!
• Snob's genuine terror over the overly-tense scene of Daniel getting Doug to come to a religious film screening.
  Snob: This is a really fucking intense way to introduce Veggietales to someone!
  • Which he later recreates with his puppet, Snobby, with Snobby going fucking apeshit.
    Snob: Hey, Snobby! Right here, man.
• After hyping up the ending to the movie, we are treated to OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD., prompting Snob to demand the real ending:
  Daniel: Hey, Scotty! Garbage day, man!
  Snob: Yeah— wait, what? ...something seemed off about that...
  Daniel: Hey, Scotty! Too bad you will die, man!
  Snob: [gibberish] Wait, n-no, that's... Am I watching a different film?
  Daniel: Hey, Scotty! Oh God, oh man!
  Snob: Oh, right, I'm not watching another film. I'm just a smartass.

If Footmen Tire You What Will Horses Do?

• "Estus Pirkle, despite having a name that sounds like the obvious villain on every episode of In the Heat of the Night, was a Baptist minister from Mississippi. Shocking!"
• "The movie being named after a Bible verse makes sense. I think John 11:35 pretty much sums up Jesus's review of all these films." Not only is this verse "Jesus wept", this is said over Christ doing a Face Palm.
• "Judy Creech gets top billing as Judy, probably because being called a different name would be confusing. But at least she gets a name. The credits also make mention of a 'host of others too numerous to mention.' Sounds like some actors haven't acquired their SAG card!"
• "Let's hear it for the Locust Grove Baptist Church. It's much better than the Death of the Firstborn Baptist Church."
• "I think the fans of this film are gonna love it when angry talk radio becomes a thing!"
• "Pirkle's audience is mostly made up of Far Side characters."
• After Pirkle's anti-Communism scare tactics:
  Pirkle: Do these things seem far-fetched to you?
  Snob: YES!
• Pirkle: We, too, will be on the same schedule of every Communist nation on earth. You will be at work by 5:00 in the morning.
  Snob: What? I gotta be at work at 5 AM? No one gets up that early!
• Snob's dig at the Special Effects Failure:
  Pirkle: Had they yielded to the demands to become atheists and Communists, they could have lived. Yet, because they chose to remain steadfast to Jesus Christ, they had to be annihilated.
  Snob: I should apologize. I'm sorry for bringing back memories of all those kids in the 70s who were killed in Mississippi for believing in Jesus.
  Pirkle: If you try to interfere, they'll try to shoot you down like clay pigeons.
  (unconvincing footage of people being "shot")
  Snob: And that time all those people pretended to fall over from being shot when they were totally not shot.
• "Yep, sex education. Because teaching about the safe way to have sex is exactly the same as saying, 'hey kids, I want you all to fuck.'"
• Brad makes a Call-Back to his review of Deception of a Generation when Pirkle talks about cartoons in his sermons.
  Snob: I have the feeling Gary and Phil from Deception of a Generation may be in this audience. Because next on the evil roster is cartoons.
  Pirkle: Have you seen these cartoons? Programs motivated to lead your child into crime, into sex, into murder?
  Snob: Okay, so maybe I felt like strangling someone after the premiere of The Brothers Grunt. But it wasn't because it was a cartoon, it was because it was fucking awful!
• Pirkle: Magazines, newspaper, and television are all trying to make extramarital relations appear all right.
  Snob: Yes, because when it's on TV, that means they're saying the act is good. I saw a guy killed on an episode of Criminal Minds the other night. That means the show is very pro-murder.
• On a fake We Interrupt This Program segment:
  Newscaster: We interrupt this program to bring you news bulletins from Washington, D.C. all over the wires.
  Snob: (imitating Howard Cosell) I may look like Howard Cosell, but I apologize for not doing a proper Cosell impression.
  Newscaster: Other bulletins coming from around the country say that the governors of several states have been killed. The governors of California, Texas, Arkansas, Louisiana...
  Snob: We're not sure of those governors' names. They were too numerous to mention. Much like the cast of this film. (Call-Back to opening credits)
• The constant bafflement at the violence, earning comparisons to I Spit on Your Grave and Beware! Children at Play.
  "Next up in the movie..." (footage of people being shot) "I said, next up in—" (footage of people being shot) "As I was saying..." (footage of people being shot) "Christ, movie! Stop killing people!"
• When the movie talks about "salt torture."
  Pirkle: In this torture, a man is kept away from water for two to three days, then salt poured into his mouth. He's made to endure unthinkable torture.
  Snob: Meh, it's like eating a bowl of the hot and sour soup from P. F. Chang's. You get used to it after a while.
• The best way to stop the spread of communism in 1970s USA is to...go to church a lot.
  Pirkle: We mustn't just come on Sunday morning, but on Sunday night as well.
  Snob: Bullshit! Sunday night's when Bob's Burgers is on!
• Brad points out Pirkle's Accidental Innuendo in his sermon.
  Pirkle: Will you come?
  Snob: Oh, I've already come. Twice. I get off on uniforms.

Death Wish II

• The Snob saying that nothing happened is Bronson speech for he "let a man he cornered in an alley live".
• When the Snob talks of how Kersey's daughter ultimately meets her demise.
  Snob: And given how the character of Carol went through an unspeakable horror in the first film, I'm sure this movie will treat her with the utmost respect.
  (Carol jumps through a window and lands on a metal fence)
  Snob: See? I'm sure she died a quick death, being impaled on a fence!
• After revealing that the movie lost to Inchon at the Stinker's Bad Movie Awards:
  Snob: Huh... So somebody actually ''[[TakeThat has seen Inchon''...]]
• The Snob snarks on quite a few of the more ridiculous moments throughout the review.
  Snob: Why the hell is that guy going to heaven?!
  Snob: And then Bronson shot him for public drunkiness...and for not sharing.
  Snob: DUCT TAPE!!
  Snob: Then it's settled! Eighties's boomboxes, while gigantic, are not big enough to stop a bullet!
• Detective Ochoa's demise also brings a few chuckles.
  Snob: They better have a good reason for bringing Ochoa back for this.
  (Ochoa gets shot repeatedly during a gunfight)
  Snob: And immediately killing him off isn't a good reason!
• The close-up on Snob's mouth as he exaggerates the enunciation of "PCP".

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace

• After providing the backstory, which involves footage being cut to be possibly featured in a fifth movie:
  Snob: So how did Superman IV turn out? I'm reviewing it on this show! How do you think it turned out?
• Two Running Gags, regarding how cheap everything is/looks (but Snob concedes that the palpability of the practical effects is better than most CG) and some things look like sex toys.
• Superman's speech at the United Nations is reimagined.
  "Superman": What we call drugs at the 74th Street Baptist Church, we call a sinny sin sin...
• The Snob's annoyance at Jon Cryer, to the point that once Nuclear Man abuses him, he is called "the real hero of the movie".
• Superman delivers Lex Luthor to prison, and comments "See you in 20." Snob then says "Actually 19, where Superman will be played by Christopher Reeve's clone and Lois Lane be played by a thirteen-year-old".
• Snob's Pun-based analogy at the end of the review:
  Snob: But, you know, the movie serves its purpose in letting people debate which is the better Superman film: Superman IV or Man of Steel. And Man of Steel fans can say "Only an idiot would think Superman IV is the better movie!", and Superman IV defenders can always respond with "Yeah, well, at least Superman IV is 1." (shit eating grin)

Turkish Batman

• Noticing he unwillingly made a cold-related pun when discussing his search for a bad Batman movie, before angrily shouting "God-dammit!"
• It's a Turkish movie, thus Snob is ready for borrowed music showing up without shame. What he apparently didn't expect was that it would be mostly from On Her Majesty's Secret Service,^note OHMSS is Brad Jones' favorite James Bond movie in real life. which makes Snob angrily rage about picking the wrong James Bond poster to put in the background (he had one of Octopussy). When the video cuts back to him, the poster has changed to OHMSS.
• Going by the James Bond theme, Snob notes that besides the music, the movie resembles more a James Bond movie rather than Batman (even the villain resembles Blofeld, complete with Right-Hand Cat), so ultimately Snob concludes the Turkish James Bond◊ must be "a lot like a Batman movie".
• "Still sexier than Batpussy!"
• An annoying dog in the neighborhood leads Snob to bark back in return!

Wonder Woman (1974)

• The intro:
  Snob: I am a man of my word, ladies and gentlemen; with Batman v Superman (with special appereance by Wonder Woman) coming out later this month, you bet your ass I'm gonna review a movie featuring Spider-Man! Just kidding... although Spider-Man has about as much in common with this film as Wonder Woman.
• The Running Gag on how '70s the thing is.
  Snob: [after hearing the very 70s music over the 70s Warner Bros. logo◊] Why even put the Warner logo up there? That should have just said: "The '70s!" [shows a word mash of 70s slang] That intro was more 70s than Andy Gibbs snorting cocaine off Evelyn "Champagne" King's back, while being photographed by Andy Warhol in Studio 54, with all parts being reenacted by King Harvest!
• This:
  Snob: Good thing her identity is still a secret.
  Mook: [over the phone] Wonder Woman. She's here.
  Snob: ...or not! I don't know who hides their identity worse, Wonder Woman or Turkish Batman?!
• Snob's comments on George, The Dragon who pursues Diana romantically:
  Snob: [while Geroge is on a dinner with Diana with a purple tuxedo] ...although he really shouldn't have gone with the Lloyd Christmas line of tuxedos...

  Snob: It's like Peter Coyote mated with the Road Runner...
• When the first commercial break in the pilot appears, revealing it to be an Idiosyncratic Wipe made out of red, white, and blue lines.
  Snob: We interrupt this program to bring you: America.
• The Running Gag of it being obvious that the Big Bad is played by Ricardo Montalban despite his face being obscured, from his mannerisms to his voice.
  Snob: The only way Ricardo's reveal is going to be a twist is if he turns out to be Hervé Villechaize.
• When Steve Trevor gets sent a donkey:
  Snob: Okay, whoever sent that is an ass.
• After having already noted the differences between this Wonder Woman and the character's classic interpretation at the beginning, the Snob finds one last change.
  Snob: Halfway through this film and Wonder Woman has not appeared in costume yet.
  [Wonder Woman appears wearing this◊]
  Snob: Oh yeah, that's why. What kind of Wonder Woman costume is that?! That's not a Wonder Woman costume, she just won the Olympic bronze in tennis!
• After yet another costume change, Snob nicknames George "Indiana Jones: Pet Detective."
• Snob's "Holy shit it's [completely different but related person]" joke reaches Viewers Are Geniuses levels when Ricardo Montalban is finally revealed, given that Montalban and the guy mentioned played the same character.
  Snob: Holy shit it's Benedict Cumberbatch!
• When Wonder Women tries to flee with the villains' loot but is stopped.
  George: Now put those sadddlebags and that box on the floor.
  Snob: Oh well, that was sexist.
• When Ricardo Montalban's character is captured.
  Abner Smith: Wonder Woman, I love you.
  Snob: I love you too, Zach Powers.
• When Snob discovers that ABC said that the ratings for the TV movie pilot were "respectable but not exactly wondrous."
  Snob: What? Did you just make this movie just so you can make that ridiculous pun?!

God's Not Dead

• Before the review even begins, the Snob devolves into incoherent rage.
• "This movie is directed by some guy named Kronk. Figures it was made by someone who speaks squirrel!"
• Again Snob has nothing but pure hatred, snarking about the padding, anvilicious bias, and characters that don't give any reason for us to care.
• Snob tries for an Alternate Character Interpretation of the professor being a vampire rather than an atheist, hence why he hates crucifixes.
• The main character is named Josh Wheaton. Snob ensures to call him Ryan Singer, Jack Snyder, J.K. Abrams, and Guillermo Del Toto throughout the review.
• Before the ending concert, Snob tries to remain optimistic and decides to give the performing band a chance. Not even two seconds of their song plays and he goes:
  Snob: Sucks!
• "He and his dad are very close. One speaks Cantonese, and the other speaks Mandarin."

Oh! Heavenly Dog

• Tequila's voice is added, of course. With the bonus of Snob saying "it's the dog from Halloween 5!"
• Snob's bafflement at both the Uncertain Audience and the implications of bestiality.
• Since the film is perpetually overcast or thunderous, Snob assumes that God is trying to stop the movie.

Going Bananas

• The opening.
  Snob: Ever wonder what Nukie would be like if it didn't have Nukie in it? Spoiler alert: it's still fucking terrible!
• "Menahem Golem wanted Clyde in the movie, and pitched the movie to the orangutan himself! Oh, to be a fly on the wall that surreal conversation!"
• The Running Gag on how "Bonzo" frequently creeps Snob out. Highlights includes "That monkey's a sex offender!" and:
  Snob: There's no way this can get any worse!
  Bonzo: Banana!
  Snob: WHAT THE FUCK?!
• "Talking monkeys can't fly planes..."
  • "I said, talking monkeys can't fly planes. WHY WON'T THIS MOVIE LISTEN TO ME?"
• The bluntest use of the "and then they bang" gag ever:
  Drugged Dom Delouise: Drill me, doc.
  Snob: And then the doctor FUCKED him!

Second Glance

• Since the main character's name is Doug and his love interest is named Tamara, the Snob gets offended that there's no Malcolm in the movie to complete the reference to the The Nostalgia Critic actors.

The Pretender

• "If you're gonna come to Jesus, better come all the way!"
  • Doesn't help that the characters keep repeating this phrase. By the third time they say this, the Snob is reduced to nervous giggles. "Stop saying that!"
• Snob concluding the guy has better chemistry with his friend than with the girl.

Crime of the Age

• "Move over, Agatha Christie... Okay, I can't even say that with a straight face. This is the worst mystery movie EVER MADE!"
  • The titular "Crime of the Age" itself. A misplaced book. A misplaced book at a Christian youth camp. Despite being such a mundane issue, everyone takes the thing seriously, save for the camp's lifeguard who realizes the absurdity of the situation.
• Again he's barking at the neighborhood dog.
• When the detective figures out a plan to expose the true culprit...
  Detective: ...that's it.
  Snob: [Angrily] THAT'S the connection!

Captain America (1990)

• Matt Salinger will apparently use the Super Soldier process to join Alpha Beta and bully some nerds in drag.
• Psyche Hitler earns "Is that how they all say goodbye in Germany? Then I prefer the Austrian way..."
• When Red Skull reveals that his plan for the rocket he tied Captain America to is for it to crash in the White House, killing both Cap and President Roosevelt.
  Snob: Little does he know that will improve Roosevelt and turn him into his own superhero, Mr. No Legs!
• "Can't wait for the post-credits scene, where Nick Fury tells him there will be no sequel!"

Friday the 13th, Part VII: The New Blood

• The Running Gag on how the film's violence was neutered.
  "The real killer of this movie isn't Jason, but the MPAA!"
• To no one's surprise, "Jail..." returns (to the point the movie's actual ending makes Snob miss it).
• "What's with Crystal Lake and not cleaning bodies out of the water?"
• "[In the next movie], Jason totally takes Manhattan! Kinda... sorta... not really..."

3 Dev Adam

• "It's a movie with Spider-Man fighting Captain America! I clearly chose it to fit that new release, The Nice Guys!"

Power Pack

• The bootleg cover with literal Wolverine Publicity.
  "Hey, does anyone wanna watch Wolverine and Power Pack reenact Mr. Nanny? Or is that Don't Tell Mama That Cyclops Is Dead?"
• "Honey, someone tried flushing the kids again..."

Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles

• Snob shows his box of Las Tortugas Pinja is empty, concluding "someone who purchases a DVD player at a pawn shop is gonna get surprised when they put that to play!".
• "They're Jewish now? Everyone is gonna go mad about it! They know the Turtles are alien Protestants!"
• "Why am I doing an Old vs. New on Ninja Turtles pornos?!"
• "I am a 34-year old who gets paid to watch turtles get a handjob!"

The Slumber Party Massacre

• The opening, with angry ramblings at Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows. Then one of the film's stars, Tyler Perry, starts giving a Shout-Out to The Cinema Snob. Snob soon starts praising the movie and puts on the Ninja Turtles mask he got in the midnight screening.

Satan Bite the Dust

• This music video is just plain absurd, as summed up by this quote:
  "'Authorized and deputized to blow you clean away'? I am watching a Christian music video here, not The Punisher!"

Slumber Party Massacre II

• Snob's constant bafflement at how weird and unlike the original this sequel is.
• Twice Snob pulls out a VHS tape of The Myth of Safe Sex.
• The Waxing Lyrical killer says "I can't get no! Satisfaction..." and the Snob does a barrage of Rolling Stones references.
• The ending, where three Independence Day-related films are offered for Patreon users to choose for the next episode.
  "Whichever wins, I fucking lose!"
  • When going over the parody film titles: Independence Daysaster ("'Cause that's a fucking word!") and Inrearendence Day ("That one, however, totally a word.")

Independence Day (1983)

• The Snob opens the review absolutely dumbfounded that, given a choice between an Asylum film, a porn parody, and an obscure romance movie, his Patreon chose the romance movie.
  So basically, Patreon subscribers paid hard-earned money to be bored!
  • He adds that the line of thought among voters seemed to be "this movie looks like a Moment by Moment / Endless Love kind", prompting Snob to ask if the viewers have become so cynical they expect every romance to be a train wreck.
    You coulda just asked me! The answer is NO!
• Given the movie stars a girl who wants to be a photographer: "Oh, so you'll become the most beloved person in California... the paparazzi!"
• After viewing a particularly cringeworthy scene:
  Snob: How am I supposed to react to this?! This is more awkward than Lloyd watching his old racist cartoons.
  (cut to Lloyd intently watching the infamous Shun Gon clip from The Aristocats)
  Snob: He should really be more offended by that!
• The plot takes a turn towards the depressing. Thus Snob has reactions such as "Good choice, internet!" and "The Independence Day porn lost, and I still feel like I've been fucked".
• Snob's reaction to Dianne Wiest's character blowing up the house?
  Snob: Looks like The Godfather if Talia Shire blew up both her and her husband! Now how's he supposed to take over the entire human race?! Cliff DeYoung was in Shock Treatment.

Tarzan, the Ape Man

• The intro where Snob notes The Legend of Tarzan could not beat Finding Dory at the box office, "so why the hell am I watching another John Derek movie?!"
• The Running Gag about John Derek using the film to announce he has a massive penis.
• When Tarzan finally shows up, Baltimora's "Tarzan Boy" is played over the scene.
  Snob: What a waste of Baltimora!
• When Snob goes on to name Tarzan's actor's (Miles O'Keeffe) other roles, posters for O'Keeffe's films Ator the Invincible and Inglorious Bastards 2: Hell Heroes (no related to that other film) are shown, only for Snob to refer to them as Conan the Barbarian and Kelly's Heroes, as the posters clearly seem to copy those movies' posters.
• When Jane's father says that he wants to stuff and mount Tarzan on his wall, Snob immediately assumes that he wants to fuck him. And later, when Jane starts caressing Tarzan, Snob says that she wants to stuff and mount Tarzan on her wall.
• When a python appears and ensnares Jane:
  Snob: I was wrong about John [Derek] making a cameo; there's his dick!
• When Tarzan grabs Jane and drags her to a river:
  Snob: And she drowned. Just kidding, she probably used his dick as a snorkel.
• The Running Gag about how, for all its faults, this movie filmed with real animals, whereas The Legend of Tarzan used CGI, leading to this rant when Tarzan is picked up by an elephant.
  Snob: Hey look, something that you'll never seen in a modern movie again: An elephant carrying around a man. And it looks like an elephant carrying around a man because it is. John Derek is better at directing animals than directing people! And let this be a lesson Hollywood: John Derek could direct movies with real animals. John is showing up your modern-day special effects.
• Bo Derek's Jane notes that "I never touched a man before". Given the way she has presented herself through the whole movie, the Snob's response is a simple "HA!"
• This dialogue:
  Jane: James Parker, you were wrong! I'm still a virgin.
  Snob: Is this often a debate you have with your father, whether or not you you're losing your virginity?
  Jane: Now I don't know whether that's good... or bad.
  Snob: [slightly dumbfounded] Beats the fuck out of me. But you are SO NOT A VIRGIN!!!
• Snob refering to the natives who kidnapped Jane and her father as a "a gang of multicolored Yul Brynners" (as they were bald) and "The Lame Inferno".
• Again there is a viewer's choice poll for a episode made in anticipation of Ghostbusters (2016) between a The Ghost Busters episode, a porn parody titled This Ain't Ghostbusters, and a movie called Ghost Fever. So Snob tells the viewers to not repeat what happened when given a choice for a episode made in anticipation of Independence Day: Resurgence: Between an Independence Day-esque Asylum film, a porn parody, and an obscure romance movie also titled Independence Day, the romance movie won.
  Snob: And if you didn't vote last time assuming the porno spoof was gonna win... Don't do that again! You might end with Dianne Wiest blowing herself up!

Ghost Fever

• Concerning the poll, it turns out the porno spoof didn't win again, which Snob believes happened because the viewers thought This Ain't Ghostbusters was just a collection of comments saying that about Ghostbusters (2016).
  Snob: So what we're left with is a little film called Ghost Fever. Let's take a look at a clip! (cut to Dianne Wiest blowing up the house in Independence Day) Oh, goddamn it! Dianne West needs to stop blowing herself up in '80s movies!

Sex Trek

• In a Call-Back to the ID83 review, Snob pretends he did another Patreon poll for this week's video. The results?
  Snob: Well, the results of this week's Patreon poll are in, and between Sex Trek and Sex Trek, the winner is- fucking Windy City?! How in the hell did that happen?!

Strokémon

• The Snob opens up the review by complaining about his introduction to the franchise: people sneaking into his house to play Pokémon GO.
• The Snob questions whether he's the right person to review the movie since he's never played the Pokemon games or seen the TV Show.
  "Then again, it does have a fucked up looking creature getting pounded, so maybe I AM the right person!"
• When the Snob starts to introduce the movie, he catches his first glimpse of "Dikachu".
  "Strokémon... good fucking lord! What the fuck is that thing?! It's nice to see what the Cheerios Honey Bee looks like after his addiction to meth!"
• Him loudly proclaiming: "This is a sad story!" after the above quote.
• During the opening credits, upon seeing the Ash Ketchum knock-off is named "Gash":
  "Thanks for reminding me of a bloody open wound in my skin before your porno!"
• When Gash refuses to whip out his Dikachu in public:
  "You're talking to someone named "Fisty". Why are you acting like you have shame?"
• And then Dikachu forces a weird Relax-o-Vision: a guy badly singing some Meat Loaf (which, given his usual song length, has Snob pointing that it generated "more footage than Strokémon in its entirety").
  "Meat Loaf would be very proud of you [the drunk guy]."
  • His facial expression when he introduces the drunk guy.
• After being confounded by the porno version of Team Rocket, a voice tries to correct the Snob.
  Voice: ACTUALLY...!
  Snob: You are insane if you think I give a shit about the end of that sentence!

A Talking Cat!?!

• The Snob starts the review dumbfounded that a film like Nine Lives can exist in 2016, thus making it relevant again for him to talk about A Talking Cat!?! even though JonTron, The Nostalgia Critic and Obscurus Lupa all beat him to the punch.
• "'A Spruced-Up House!?!' That title doesn't have the same ring to it..."
• The Snob continually points out the film's bizarre obsessions with water and cheese puffs.
• During the awkward bonding scene between Chris and Frannie, Duffy's thoughts are dubbed with a line from Tequila & Bonetti, but the Snob demands that they use the voice of the gay cat from Oh! Heavenly Dog instead...and then says that neither voice is good enough to save the movie.
• When Tina acts surprised when Duffy starts talking, the Snob tells her she's doing it wrong.
  Snob: No, I'm the one who's supposed to be saying "Wh-wh-wha...huh?" You're supposed to be saying, "A talking cat!?!"
• "The more the Saw movies went on, the more Jigsaw's rules got really stupid."

Bushwhacked

• The Snob thinks he's obtained a copy of the new Suicide Squad, when really it's a crappy 1935 black and white movie also called Suicide Squad.
• Every time there's a horrible or unfunny joke, a "BUSH! WHACKED!" stinger appears. And Snob continues to make fun of that, stating that the people who "seen" the film didn't have Bushwhacked "fever".
  • Snob uses his own fake "Bushwhacked" stingers at two points in the review: once when two boy Ranger Scouts tell the only girl she's not allowed to join because it's for "boys only", leading Snob to note that "at least she's not trying to be a Ghostbuster" ("Too Far!"); and later at the one-hour mark of the movie, when he says he isn't allowed to give a final review until he sees the whole thing ("Topical!")
• During the opening moments of the film, it parodies the walk from Saturday Night Fever with Max walking down a sidewalk. Snob's reaction has him wondering if he should watch Virtuosity, seeing it was also on the newspaper's TV listing, only for a scene that has SID 6.7 doing the exact same thing.
  Snob: THE FUCK!? The hell is with 1995 and their Saturday Night Fever references?!
• When one of the campers refers to Max as "Mad Max Grabelski":
  Snob: I remember Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome being too kid-friendly, but this is ridiculous!

The Buttercream Gang

• The Cinema Snob noting how odd it is that he owns this film on both DVD and VHS. Then it turns out the movie in the VHS box is Hoosiers. And it's clearly not a fake gag, because the tape's label is for the same company that released The Buttercream Gang.
• The Snob pointing out how porny the movie's title sounds, as well as the unintentional gay subtext throughout it.
  [Pete takes off his shirt and jumps into a lake with Scott]
  Snob: And then they bang. Hard.
• When The Buttercream gang rescue an old woman who fell down, Snob interprets her being on the ground and the place being trashed as a sign that she was murdered by Clay Walsh.
  Snob: And I think I know who killed her.
  Clay: Finally, I thought the old bag would never kick off.
• The gang refuses to get into a fight with Pete after church, because God sees everything in advance.
  Snob: That's why you're not fighting? You're afraid God will tattle on you?!
• The store owner decides to give Pete exactly what he wants so that Pete isn't technically robbing him. Everyone goes along with this idea.
  Snob: Is this movie going to end with Pete becoming the mayor?
• Snob's answers to all the "Parent's Guide For Family Discussion" questions on the back of the movie box.
  • When someone wrongs you, does it take more courage to fight or to find another way to solve differences?
  Snob: Yes, FIGHT! Kick the kid's ass!
  • Does doing the right thing always bring immediate results we can see?
  Snob: Um, I'd prefer you NOT see me get a blow job for my good deeds.
  • When people don't like themselves, how do they usually treat others?
  Snob: By trolling other people on the Internet and calling them a beta cuck!
  • Why did Scott give Pete his bike?
  Snob: Because he's a sucker!
  • What does "unconditional love" mean?
  Snob: [chuckles] Deep. Anal.

The Burning Hell

• The poster in the background sometimes changes depending on the film's subject matter or characters. The poster for this one? Easy Rider. It's a subtle gag, but a good one.
• The intro:
  Snob: Time to venture back into the world of Estus Pirkle. Don't remember Estus Pirkle? He's the guy who, once you hear his name, you think to yourself, "Mm, yeah, that does sound like the name of a fire and brimstone preacher from Mississippi." And he's the only one who was brave enough to show us the Communist takeover of America.
  (clip from If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do? which shows a kid getting decapitated by a Communist)
  Snob: And never again did loud children cause a distraction in a movie theater. God bless you, Commies.
• He calls the director, Ron Ormond, "former exploitation director turned exploitation director".
• Right after that, he gives a Call-Back to an Accidental Innuendo from If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?:
  Pirkle: Will you come? Will you come? Will you come?
  Snob: Oh yeah, and it'll also make you cum! Several times!
• (from the movie poster) "'20,000 degrees Fahrenheit and not a drop of water?' Oh, so it's filmed in Springfield, Illinois in August? I can relate to this."
• (on the opening scene, which features several people singing) "Hmm. Nice to see it picks up where Wicker Man left off! My God, if Ted Bundy, John Gacy, and Jeffrey Dahmer showed up at my door to pitch me Amway, I still wouldn't be as creeped out as I am watching these people sing to me."
• After pointing out that Estus' son, Greg, is in the movie and would later run for Congress, he cuts to one of Greg's political ads:
  Greg Pirkle: I'm Greg Pirkle. I have to tell you that I'm Greg Pirkle and that I approve this message because of some ridiculous rule set by other bureaucrats in D.C.
  Snob: Oh my God. It's so someone can't last-minute slander you and so you can be held accountable for your words, you dumb stupid fuck. And this guy is a lawyer! Seriously!
• "Our opening ministry is from, I shit you not, a man named Robert G. Lee. Because his name being Stonewall Johnson wouldn't be Southern enough. He looks like if Matlock decided to sell Silver Shamrock masks. And he also sounds drunk!" (cut to a montage of Lee talking) "If he's going to Hell, he's going to Hell sloshed off his ass in a bed of underaged hookers!"
• "As it says in the Book of Numbers, 'Arabian Nights are like Arabian Days'".
• When the actors who play Korah, Dathan, Abiram are shown to be white guys, Snob snides that it's more like "the adventures of Steve, Larry, and Bill".
• Who is playing Moses? Santa Christ!
• After a scene where Moses causes an earthquake:
  Estus: Does that shock you?
  Snob: No. You don't get to be played by Charlton Heston without being a bad motherfucker.
• Snob mocks some Totally Radical dialogue:
  Snob: How does this movie think that young people talk?
  Character: Like, man, we come to talk to you about Jeeeeeesus. Hmm. Well, that's heavy. Like, our church is new, ya dig? It's the new thing.
  Snob: Far out. Get down with the get down, ya jive-talkin' boogie-oogie-oogie groovy man!
• "God, this place makes the town in Buttercream Gang look like Compton!"
• "The whole congregation is wearing an entire Goodwill clothing store."
• (after Pirkle's discussion of Hell hard-cuts to a man on a motorcycle) "Mm, yes, motorcycle riding. A one-way ticket to Hell quicker than pedophilia!"
• "And since we're post-Footmen, we gotta ask ourselves: when is the blood and guts gonna show up in this Christian film?"
• When Pirkle describes Hell:
  Pirkle: There will be no TV programs to watch or movies to go see. There will be no cookouts to enjoy or sunsets to watch together.
  Snob: Oh, you mean in Hell, I don't get to watch movies like The Burning Hell? That doesn't sound like Hell to me, it sounds like Heaven!
• Pointing out that a side character looks like Shaggy:
  Snob: (as Shaggy) Like zoinks, Scoob! He's talkin' about H-E-double hockey sticks! And I'm not one for ice skating!
• "So Hell is volcano stock footage? That doesn't seem so bad. But it gets worse." (cut to screaming people with blood-soaked faces) "You know, I sure am glad this movie isn't fear-mongering!"
• "Estus taps out for a minute to give us some words from Dr. Jack Hyles. (*Cough* Snark *Cough*) 'Doctor.'"
• Over a closeup of Jack Hyles: "I'm already starting to think you might be the Zodiac killer."
• Character: Our church never tries to scare you into religion. Besides, I like the way our preacher teaches. He says everybody's a child of God.
  Woman next to him: But Tim, your preacher's dead wrong.
  Snob: Right? Fuck that optimism shit. Decapitation! Burning corpses! That'll bring 'em into the flock!
• On scenes of damned people in Hell: "I'm pretty sure one guy just has bad gas. Someone just ate a Taco Bell Volcano Burrito!"
• After some squick-inducing scenes of the damned getting tortured by worms: "Does the collection plate in this church only get passed around so people can vomit in it?"
• "By the way, can I hear more about the guy in the crowd who dressed up his son as his deceased wife? Is anyone here stable?!"
• "How does Dives react to the news of Jesus?...Like he's saying no to an upgrade on his movie theater popcorn."
• Estus: They're getting ready to watch the gladiators perform one of their bloody and murderous deeds.
  Snob: Estus, you don't get to judge something else for being bloody and murderous!
• (over a shot of the angels going to Heaven) "And then they fly off into space. Where they suffocate!"
• Bearded man portraying God: Welcome home, Lazarus. We've been waiting for you.
  Snob: Thanks, Dumbledore. I'm glad we're up here in Heaven with the original Richard Harris version!
• "This speech is so dire, I'm surprised it doesn't come with ransom demands!"
• When Dives the rich man is shown complaining about Hell a thousand years later, Snob says "Dude, it's been a thousand years. Get over it and come roast hot dogs with us."
• "Estus knows a little something about dead people. A couple people in his audience are dead! And I think David Berkowitz might be there too!"
• Estus: Ten thousand years from now, every sinner will still be in Hell. A hundred thousand years from now, every sinner will still be in hell. One million years from now, every sinner will still be in Hell.
  Snob: Well, someone hasn't seen What Dreams May Come. And I'm not sure I like the original lyrics to "In the Year 2525"!
• Estus referring to a very large number as "three hundred zeroes years": "Three hundred zeroes years? That a technical term? And here I thought your audience wouldn't know math."
• After Estus cuts to another pastor:
  Pastor: In spite of what the critics and pseudo-intellectuals have to say about the subject of Hell...
  Snob!Pastor: ...I personally didn't think Suicide Squad was that bad!
• Snob's interpretation of one man's reason for being in Hell.
  Damned Man: This...is because I sold my soul!
  Snob: Actually, it's 'cause you fucked a sheep!
• "At this point they seem tormented by boredom. Fire is getting old to them. Except for Alfred E. Neuman here; he still seems worried."
• Estus: But no matter how horribly you visualized Hell, it's much worse than that.
  Snob: Yeah. Real Hell also has Nukie.
• The return of a familiar Accidental Innuendo:
  Estus: Perhaps you're saying, "preacher, I couldn't come after a message like that."
  Snob: (laughs) Well, that's what you think. Luckily I have my lotion and a dirty sock to help me out with that.
• "And thus ends Dinesh D'Souza's most competent film."
• On Ormond and Pirkle's third film: "...in which Pirkle turns more and more into Wendy's founder Dave Thomas."

Donald Tramp

• "Both sides of the election agree we don't need to see [Trump's] cumface!"
• The interruptions by Linkara and Phelous as two nitpicking nerds named Actual Lee and Toby Fair.
  • Film Brain also interrupts. Not to nitpick, but just to annoy Snob.
• This line:
  Snob: We find out what would happen if Tramp won the White House. But they don't need to explain that to me, I already know what's gonna happen!
  (Cue the ending montage from Dr. Strangelove)
  Snob: We all get to watch Dr. Strangelove for free!
• The extended description of what a faithful porn parody would be like, with things such as a threeway with 2 Corinthians and building a wall around his cock to keep Mexican porn stars away.
  Snob: What I'm saying is make porn parodies great again!

Grease 2

• The Running Gag regarding the Intercourse with You songs.

The Identical

• "I'd say 'what the fuck Hollywood' but I'm sure Hollywood doesn't know this movie exists!"
• The Cinema Snob pulls a DVD of the movie out of his jacket, and then promptly questions why the hell he owns it.
• The massive Logic Bomb the Snob suffers when he realizes that this film, which is about an Elvis knockoff, is set in a world where Elvis exists.
• During the unintentionally homoerotic scene where Ryan sings to Drexel in the Drexel sound-alike contest, we get this Call-Back:
  Snob: And then they bang. Hard. INCEST BANG!!
• The Snob's reaction to Rev. Wade's first sermon:
  Snob: Let's see how this sermon goes...
  Rev. Reece Wade: Blacks and whites, Jews and Gentiles...
  Snob: Uhh... where is this going?!
  Rev. Reece Wade: All equal in the eyes of the Lord! ALL EQUAL IN THE EYES OF THE LORD!!!
  Snob: Oh, phew, I thought that was going in a different direction... but seriously, this is 1930's Alabama. You're about to be run out of town.
• Later during another sermon.
  Rev. Reece Wade: Our precious Lord and savior was himself a JEW!
  Snob: Tone man! Tone!
• The Running Gag about how Ryan's dad is aging rapidly while his mother stays suspiciously youthful.
  Snob: Is [Ray Liotta] gonna be a skeleton by the time this movie is gonna be over with?!

Breakin'

• "Somewhere the Terminator is gonna show up and destroy all of them to prevent Dancin' - It's On from happening!"
• "Will the success continue with Breakin' 2: Fake Subtitle for Every Sequel Joke Ever?"

Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo

• The Snob takes a moment to run down everyone who's ever made the usual joke involving the title.
• "I'm sure a lot of directors were clamoring to do a sequel to Breakin, but Sam got his hand up First-enberg!" The Snob grins, followed by the "BUSH-WHACKED!" stinger.
• "Makes sense, as Armond White is a faker critic than I am!"

Trick or Treat

• When the main character is invited to a party that's obviously a setup, the Snob declares that "The best-case scenario is that he falls into a barrel of acid and becomes Toxie!"
• In keeping with the plot of the film revolving around playing a record backwards and bringing a dead rocker back, the Snob wonders what would happen if he played the movie backwards. This brings up the title card for the 1933 film Suicide Squad. He says that he isn't going to fall asleep in the middle of a review again, and asks that the film be played forwards again.
• The Snob decides to again put up a Patreon poll. Windy City is finally put as one of the options!

Spaced Invaders

• Two call backs: Windy City didn't win because voters know the result of the last time they did such a thing (Dianne Wiest blowing up the house in Independence Day); and a lame gag earns a "BUSH-WHACKED!"
• The DVD is a double feature with Kazaam. Not only Snob is annoyed at the praising blurb for that, but putting the fingers on top of another reveals Shaq Fu...
• Snob at times mentions he watched this as a kid in theaters, and was horribly disappointed. So when he finds out the director did the Star Wars love letter 5-25-77, Snob says he's gonna do the Spaced Invaders homage 4-27-90, "and it's gonna be a fucking tear jerker!"

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers

• The Troubled Production is summed up with Snob calling it "Curse of Michael Myers", only to show a trailer that had "The Origin of Michael Myers".
  They couldn't even settle on a fucking title!
• Upon seeing that a prefame Paul Rudd is the protagonist.
  The Snob: "Holy shit, it's Jason Segel!"
• Snob is pleased to see a Cruel and Unusual Death for the unpleasant father.
• Snob's reaction to the Gainax Ending of the theatrical cut.
  "WHAT THE FUCK? I wouldn't call that an open ending, 'cause that implies some sort of conclusion!"

A Halloween Puppy

• Eric Roberts managing to not sleepwalk and even be enthusiastic amuses the Snob to no end.
  I hope to some day achieve the natural high Eric is on this!
• After finding out that Eric Roberts character inadvertently finished the magic spell by saying "Neato!" ^note the spell was Klaatu Barada Nikto
  Snob: What?! He was turned into a dog through the power of outdated slang?! POPPYCOCK!

Halloween 6: The Producer's Cut

Dr. Strange

• The Running Gag on how the movie feels like a porno, specially due to the soundtrack.
• During a rather trippy scene, Snob jokingly declares that he's high. Then he genuinely freaks out when he discovers that his glasses are missing their lenses.

Dangerous Men

• The Snob is flabbergasted throughout the video by the utter batshit insanity of the movie.
• Snob's reaction to the incredibly cheaply-produced soundtrack, particularly a funky yet repetitive background tune used in a couple scenes.
  Snob: Hypnotic. I want to choke myself with a pocket watch.

The Last Ounce of Courage

• Just the fact that following the Santa hoodie from 2015, the Snob is in a Grinch one this year.
  Snob: It doesn't take much for me to be grumpy this time of the year, because after all, apparently I'm a fucking movie Grinch!
• This bit, when the movie shows the Reveres being informed of their son's death by soldiers, because of perfectly timed, sheer Mood Whiplash:
  Bob: [voiceover] I'll never forget the sound of that doorbell.
  [the sound of a "La Cucaracha" car horn plays]
• Just like Saving Christmas, again there's a Running Gag regarding how the arguments raised by the movie are stupid and the Snob gets angrier with each takedown.
  "There are Christians who get beheaded for their beliefs. And you're here bitching about Christmas."
• This exchange:
  Christian: What are you doing now?
  Bob: It's not that easy, kid. What are you doing?
  Christian: I'm just one kid.
  Bob: And I'm just one grandpa.
  Snob [very uncomfortable]: So...are you two gonna fuck or something?
• Perhaps the crowning jeweles of the review (and a mix of Funny and Awesome) is when Snob/Brad simply has to take the camera outside to prove the movie's points wrong:
  • First, following the idea that a town would come under fire for putting up Christmas decorations, he goes outside and shows that the Illinois state capitol is draped in hundreds of Christmas lights, ending with:
    Snob: Take your persecution complex and shove it straight up your ass!
  • He does it again a few minutes later when the main character of the movie bemoans a lack of "real Christmas music" being played on the radio.
    Snob: [sitting in his car] Watch this. [turns on a radio station in the process of playing "Silent Night"] There is not one, but two stations in town that play non-stop, 24-hour Christmas music from Thanksgiving to Christmas! This movie is made by lying sacks of shit!

The Magic Christmas Tree

• Snob decides to change the poster to one of Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2 with an insulting dedication by Eric Freeman.
  Snob: I'm gonna make sweet, passionate love to this poster!
• Pointing out that the black friend's lines are obviously dubbed in.
• The frequent takedowns on the utter incompetence of the movie (be it on voices that don't match the people talking to scenes that don't end).
• The Snob complains about the magic word in the movie, saying they're useless, but he discovers that they somehow gave him an erection.
• The Snob is surprised that Ichabod the tortoise has an IMDb page, and even more surprised that he's somehow credited with voicing a cat.
• He experiences Sarcasm Failure when the tree starts talking, as there was no hint it would happen. He quickly recovers.
  Tree: If trees can't talk, then how can I answer you?
  Snob: Because I don't think that candy cane I snorted was a real candy cane. What the fuck, the tree can talk?!

Silent Night, Bloody Night

• The Snob describes how the plot is about trying to sell a murder house where people keep dying in it. And the house has mold!
• After the film opens with a man on fire, Snob suggests that Chuck Norris could've been the one responsible, due to it being a Cannon production.
• Patrick O'Neal deserved a more dignified death, like in Under Siege.
  Snob: Getting shot by Gary Busey in a dress is how I wanna go out!

Dear Santa

• The greenscreen beach that Crystal's mother is on looks so fake that the Snob at one point says she's vacationing on Crystal's desktop background.
• The introduction of Pete, the Camp Gay chef.
  Nostalgia Critic: Was the gay best friend your favorite character in The Killing Joke?
  Cinema Snob: No. The end credits were my favorite character in The Killing Joke.
• After looking at the writer's IMDb page, which shows that she also wrote gay porn films along with several other Lifetime Christmas movies, the Snob realizes that the Camp Gay character in the movie was gay.
• After the appearance of Santa Christ Barney Walker is seen in the back casually eating and he goes "Oh. Cameo."
• When they joke that Crystal could end the movie by simply telling the little girl Santa doesn't exist and the credits begin to roll:
  Nostalgia Critic: No, no, you're not getting off that easily!
  Cinema Snob: Have you seen the pornos I watch? I never get off easily.
• Snob introduces a scene where the main couple begins to "plow hard". They literally ride a snow plow.
  Nostalgia Critic: Oh, you meant snow plowing.
  Cinema Snob: No, I meant fucking. I clearly got that scene wrong.
• The Bum Review, even if Chester is baffled at the movie.
• In response to the Magical Queer stereotypes of this movie, Snob creates his own mystical gay advisor, Bear Ryan. Bear Ryan is then seen advising a woman with marital problems to murder her husband with an ax.
  • Which is followed by an "Everybody Laughs" Ending:
  Critic and Snob: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
  [Both continue to laugh]
  Critic: THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING?!

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