Funny / The Adventure Zone: Balance

Funny Index

We can't just say "the entire damn Podcast," so some select moments are below. All spoilers are unmarked.

In General

• Magnus "The Hammer" Burnsides' tendency to leap into action without thinking more often than not ends with Hilarity Ensuing. Ironically this is compounded by Travis's tendency to try and have Magnus do something awesome rather than simply hit things until they go away (which doesn't always work anyway). Due to the Random Number God this ends in embarrassment as often as it succeeds.
• Taako's overarching quest is to unlock the ancient Elvish secret of...the taco. And when he finally gets it, obtaining that secret is integral in saving the world.
• Griffin's character voices are priceless at times. As are his attempts to try and keep them all straight in his head.

Main Story

"Here Be Gerblins" Arc

• At the very beginning of the adventure:
  Griffin: Merle, what are you doing?
  Clint: I am probably studying my cantrips. I—
  Travis: Just say masturbating, Dad! "Don't come in, Mom, I'm studying my cantrips!"
• The conclusion of our heroes' first victory involves a confused moment in which Justin observes Clint trying to get out of his chair (despite still having his headphones in) so that he may perform a celebratory "murder dance," followed by proclaiming that he plans to eat all of Justin's shrimp. Justin is less than enthused, but this is a prime example to the listener of exactly what's to come for the series.
• "I have no Athletics, here we go!"
• In Wave Echo Cave, our heroes come upon a fungus that reacts to loud noises: namely, it releases a poisonous cloud whenever our Idiot Heroes talk above a whisper. Not only that, but they're attacked by a slime monster. Despite everyone being fully aware of the noise-triggered fungus, they all proceed to shout at each other for the rest of the combat.
• The party trying to stall and Yeemic becoming more and more agitated.
• By casting a Charm Person spell on the monstrous Bugbear Klarg, our heroes gain a powerful ally. And it turns out Klarg is a hugger. And Bugbear fur is surprisingly soft and comfy.
• "ABRACAFUCKYOU!"
• The Climactic Battle with the Black Spider aka Magic Brian ends with a Spot the Imposter game that is easily resolved since Magic Brian didn't bother to disguise his ridiculous faux-German accent.
  Travis, as Magnus: [Sarcastically] HOW DO WE TELL THEM APART? [...] I walk over and kick that one into the pit.
  Griffin: Which one?
  Travis: The one that just talked.
  • When Magic Brian is still faintly rambling after falling to his doom, Clint as Merle, unaware if he's hit bottom or not, blurts out, "Jeez, how DEEP is that PIT?"; Justin muses that he must be very loud if he can be heard down there.
  • It turns out Brian landed on the corpse of Bryan the spider, and is slowly, very dramatically dying. Taako finishes him off with a Magic Missile, which still takes several seconds to make it all the way down to him.
• This exchange, when the gang comes across a group of looters kidnapping an orc boy to sell. The fact that the "head" looter has a classic "white trash" American accent somehow makes it funnier.
  Taako: Listen. I'm gonna give you to three. We really got a lot to do.
  Looter: Listen, I—eh—I'm gonna say some cool shit now! [everyone chuckles] Me and my posse gonna give you to two!
  Magnus: We'll give you to one!
  Looter: Well, how 'bout this? Zero, motherfuckers! [they all pull out weapons and initiative rolling commences]]
• In hot pursuit of Artifact-possessed Gundren Rockseeker, Magnus attempts to high-five their cart to try and make it go faster. Taako finally gets sick of it and casts Sleep on him.
• Here There Be Gerblins is initially based on a pre-made official adventure, The Lost Mines of Phandalaver. Things go off the rails almost immediately when the character of Sildar Hallwinter is renamed to Barry Bluejeans after the boys mock the fantasy setting. Even better, he becomes one of the most important recurring characters on the show almost entirely because of this hilarious renaming!

"Moonlighting" Lunar Interlude

• Johann the Sad Bard plays a song for our heroes during their elevator ride, apparently the most beautiful music they've ever heard. Justin points out the Irony of them hearing the most beautiful song ever while riding in an elevator.
  • When Griffin tries to impress upon the boys just how beautiful this song was, Travis asks him to compare it to "Call Me Maybe", and Griffin says they're equal. Travis, Justin, and Clint are suitably impressed.
• After drinking the Voidfish's...excretion and having their Laser-Guided Amnesia reversed, Taako has a flashback to his childhood, stirring cream on his grandfather Tostada's dairy farm. The cream has gone sour in the hot sun, revealing another piece of the Ancient Elvish Tex-Mex Mystery. The first thing out of Taako's mouth when he comes out of his trance is "Sour Cream!", which causes everyone to look at him funny.
• Griffin has apparently worked up a very elaborate backstory for the Bureau of Balance and the Voidfish, and he manages his Info Dump perfectly twice...then Clint pretends to have not heard it the second time and asks him to repeat it.
• After getting the bracers from Director Lucretia, the heroes ask what happens when they get all the relics and they don't need the bracers anymore.
  Lucretia: Oh shit.
• Lucretia sends the three on a mission to recover seven magical artifacts. Taako requests to know upfront if the seventh one is going to be "love" and was inside them the whole time. Made even funnier as her response implies that the Bureau has yet to rule out this possibility, which Taako interprets as a Suspiciously Specific Denial.
• When spinning a machine for magical items, Taako starts playing up his stupidity, first not knowing where the coin slot is, and then forcing an aggravated Leon to repeatedly tell him which way to turn the handle.
  Leon: To the right. To the right. To the RIGHT. Okay, we're doing the goddamn Cupid Shuffle now.
• While haggling with the Fantasy Costco cashier:
  Cashier: What am I gonna do with an armless robot and an old garbage axe?
  Merle: You'll find some fool to buy them just like we're buying this stuff.
  Cashier: I don't appreciate the implication that I'm gonna wanna do sex stuff with this armless robot! That you're obviously trying to make! This implication, I mean!
  • Later:
    Cashier: Give me your gooey sheets, give me your sex robot, give me your garbage axe—
    Justin: This is exactly what the Statue of Liberty says at the bottom, right?

"Murder On The Rockport Limited" Arc

• Magnus is forced to drink a "dank potion" since he can't carry it on the flight. He instantly becomes a Sentimental Drunk, fawning over Bureau guard Avi.
• Griffin describes how the boys are caked in muck after the fight in the swamp:
  Griffin: Dad, you look like some sort of weird shit monster—
  Justin: And your character in this game looks pretty bad, too!
• The three players have to impersonate the murder victim, Leman Kessler, and his two bodyguards, but don't decide precisely who is who until Tom Bodett asks them their names. Merle immediately identifies himself as the murder victim, and the other two as his retainers Bo and Diddley. Taako interrupts, claiming to be someone named Leon Kessler, Flan Bodett, and Justin.
• Taako abuses the poor train conductor:
  Taako: I'm sorry, where did you say our package was again?
  Hudson: Why, your package is in the caboose, sir.
  Taako: (Uncontrollable giggling)
• The endless taunting and harassment of Jenkins.
  • The constant jabs at his voice. The coup de grâce has to be when, as a joke, Magnus loosens his bowtie... and Jenkins immediately starts talking in Griffin's normal voice and thanks them for breaking his curse. Sadly not canon.
  • Taako going after him for carrying luggage as opposed to using spells and outright laughing at him, especially when he says that he does this so he doesn't use up spell slots. He doesn't stop.
  • Jenkins explaining how the party could contact him if they need him is also quite great, dripping with servile snarking.
  Jenkins: Yes. A witch kissed me and cursed me so that any time anybody yells a secret word, I have to attend to their every need and that word is my fucking name: Jenkins.
• Travis inviting Angus into the pleasure room with him.
• Griffin fails to improvise a name for Angus' grandfather, which he Hand Waves in-universe by having Angus claim that "the memory of my grandfather's name died long before I was born."
• Griffin forgot whether he gave Angus an age or not, but didn't break character, leading to this interesting conversation:
  Taako: Listen, look at us. We're three grown men trusting a baby, with our secrets. We're not professionals.
  Angus: I'm not a baby! I'm f—I'm a—I'm an eight—wait, how old—? I'm ten—did I say how old I was last time?
  Merle: Ten.
  Angus: Ten it is!
• Justin's Screw This, I'm Outta Here rant as Taako flees from a crab monster.
  Taako: I'm following Angus; I'll see you all in hell!
  Taako: I wanna tell you a story about the time that there were tree ogres, and one of the hit me so hard I almost died! You were sitting up on some weird laser, just shooting flasks willy-nilly, and Travis was ripping the arms off a robot, and I got punched so hard I almost died! I'm not gonna go toe-to-toe with a crab while you're armed with a terrible Scottish accent and Travis doesn't even have a shield!
• Griffin describes a wizard with trashy robes, prompting Travis to ask if they're trashy as in "shitty" or "sexy". Griffin says both: the robes are tattered and say JUICY on the butt.
• While interrogating Graham the Juicy Wizard, Magnus, playing Bad Cop to Taako's Good Cop, ends up smacking him a little too hard, forcing Merle to use a Healing spell on him. It turns out to be Clint's best roll to date in the game, meaning he just wasted a perfect spell on an NPC that they were slapping around for fun.
• Finding himself outnumbered and outgunned, Jenkins tries to negotiate by pointing out that if they destroy his remaining Flesh Golem, they will have no way of stopping the train from crashing into Neverwinter. The party tells him to take a hike so he decides to be dramatic by firing a spell at the golem himself...and getting a low roll that causes him to miss by a country mile. The next turn is by that same Flesh Golem...who immediately tosses Jenkins off the train.
• The party discusses how to deal with the now Runaway Train:
  Clint: Is it possible we can disconnect the locomotive from the rest of the train?
  Griffin: Yeah, but the locomotive is still gonna hit Neverwinter and it's gonna cause a lot of damage.
  Clint: Have you met us?
  Justin: That's some other D&D game's problem.
  Clint: Yeah! Let 'em fix...
  Griffin: [Laughs] Wait a minute, wait a minute: "You have safely brought the princess back to her chambers in Neverwinter after besting the nineteen dragons of the Horrid Rim and- OH FUCK, A TRAIN!!! OH MY GOD NO A TRAIN JUST RAN INTO- Oh, God, no. Oh Jesus."
  Justin: I'm just living out my lifelong dream of reenacting the end of Silver Streak. It's all I've ever wanted.
• Toward the end of the arc, everyone starts choosing new character voices, to help distinguish when they're talking in character. Clint goes through a series of characters he used to do for radio, before settling on a "Creepy Youth Minister" voice for Merle.

"Carnival Chaos" Lunar Interlude

• During the Midsummer carnival, our heroes head to the Fry Witch's stand, who can conjure and deep-fry anything you desire. Magnus asks for some specific unicorn parts: the penis and the horn. They're both difficult to eat, for very different reasons. And immediately after the weirdness on the Moon starts:
  Clint: And Magnus immediately assumes he got a hold of some bad unicorn dick.
• Lucretia's response to Magnus slapping her awake:
  Griffin: She slaps you back.
  Lucretia: Booyah.
• Magnus picks a Mystery Bag from the Fantasy Costco...which contains a goldfish in a glass ball. He names it "Steven" and insists that he has magical powers.
  • Magnus insisting that Lucretia say Hi to his fish.
    Lucretia: You want me to address—? Oh look at that. Yes, yes. I see you've got a little friend there. Does he do anything?
    Magnus: He swims around in his tiny ball. And he loves me.
• While Taako tries to figure out the magical item distributing machine, Magnus and Merle enact a Funny Background Event of Merle shooting an arrow at Magnus so that he can catch it with his new Fletcher's Mitt artifact. Due to the influence of the Random Number God, it fails miserably.

"Petals to the Metal" Arc

• Partway through the arc, Travis decides to switch voices for Magnus, going from a typical gruff Tough Guy voice to a bombastic Dudley Doright inflection, which he refers to as "Golden Age Magnus."
• Merle attempts a Charm Person spell on nearby plants and animals, and discovers that he now has control over Magnus's goldfish Steven. Dungeon Master Griffin has to admit that he doesn't even know what that means. Merle just makes him poop.
• The infamous Merle/vines sex scene. Between Clint's dirty-talking, Griffin's description of the vines' reactions, and Justin and Travis' utter horror, it's hard to even pick a funniest part.
  Justin: Statistically speaking, at least one of our listeners has just discovered that they are in possession of ~the world's worst fetish!~
• Griffin's reaction to Taako now knowing the "Blink" spell, which enables him to teleport between dimensions:
  Griffin: You can fucking Nightcrawl now?!
  Justin: Yep. I can Bamf.
• Coupled with Magnus's in-character reaction to Taako using it for the first time:
  Travis: And Magnus loses his damn mind.
• Merle's attempts to talk down and/or distract Trent the Treant, who is badly wounded, trying to kill them, and not very bright to begin with.
  Merle: If you'll just look at this Extreme Teen Bible...
  Trent: I CAN'T READ! I'M A TREE!.
• Taako killing Trent.
  Taako: So, um. Just born, huh?
  Trent: Yeah! I'm Trent the treant! I was just born today-
  Taako: (immediately casts Scorching Rays) WELCOME TO EARF.
• Magnus's attempts to open the strongbox involve Travis making various attribute check rolls. They get very meta and very ridiculous in a hurry:
  • Strength Check: Magnus picks the box up over his head. Nothing happens.
  • Dexterity Check: Magnus throws the box up in the air and dodges it on the way down ^note  He gets hit by the box, since he failed the roll .
  • Constitution Check: Magnus and the box both drink poison. Magnus survives. The box dies, and opens.
  • Following this, as Magnus gets ready to take the 900 gold inside the box Taako points out something that runs against his usual Sticky Fingers mindset.
    Taako: (dubiously) I- We can't take these.
    (Beat).
    Taako: This is-
    Magnus: (interrupting) Nope, totally can.
    Taako: This is a bank. No-
    Clint: (talking over him) I keep staring at--at Taako.
    Taako: No, listen-!
    Clint: I don't blink!
    Taako: This is-
    Magnus: No, insurance will cover this. It's fine.
    Taako: No listen. It's a bank!
    Magnus: This is a victimless crime.
    Taako: We're not looting! We're st-
    Magnus: (as if it's actually a thing in setting) FDIC will cover this.
    Taako: We're literally stopping a bank robbery.
    Griffin: (Corpsing)
    Clint: I keep staring at Taako.
    Taako: Just cause you found money in a bank doesn't mean that you can just take it with you!
    Travis: I put the money in the bag for safe keeping.
    Clint: (overlapping) I'm staring,
    Taako: Great, I grab some chairs. Like, I grab furniture. What—why are we looting!?
    Griffin: (Corpsing harder)
    Taako: This isn't a dungeon, people do business here!
    Griffin: (Corpsing Intensifies)
    Taako: Put that back!
    Magnus: (with all the conviction of someone who's dedicated to do something really stupid) Listen, the government's gonna pay this back.
    Taako: (incredulously) Nobody's gonna do anything, you're gonna get arrested! You'll go to jail! You—we're literally talking—the chief of police is outside.
    Magnus: Yeah, and he would want it... Listen. He would do this if he were here. The corruption in the militia-
    Merle: You know what, Magnus, I think he's right.
    Magnus: Nope!
    Taako: Of course I'm right!
  • When Magnus takes the coins anyway, Taako snarks, "You two can split it fifty/fifty if you want, but I swear to God the first thing I do when we get outside is I rat you two out."
    • How do they resolve this ethical dilemma? Magnus decides he'll put the money in his pocket to protect it from the Raven and forget all about it until the end of the adventure, and Taako decides he'll forget about how it got there.
• After Hurley describes the situation with Sloane and how she wants to free her from the Sash's influence, Taako tries to offer some reassurance:
  Taako': Hey, listen. I know you're really worried about your friend right now. And I know you don't know us really well. But let me promise you this... [OOC] Are we out of the Zone of Truth?
  Griffin: Yeah, you're way away from it.
  Taako: Everything's gonna be FINE.
• Magnus, Merle and Taako cannot agree on a way to distract the guards in order to break into the Hammerheads' headquarters, so they each try their own idea by themselves. Amazingly, they all succeed in removing a guard from the equation.
  • Merle starts to preach about Pan to the guards, naming a bunch of situations in which life could go bad for them, including getting run over by a runaway train. He then casts Thaumaturgy to produce a train horn sound at the end of the street, causing one of the guards to run away, as he's deathly afraid of trains.
    Guard: I've heard this pitch before, but it's usually "cut your wicked ways," not "God's gonna kill you with a train."
  • Magnus asks to join the gang. Upon hearing the entry fee is 10.000 gold, he offers joint custody of Steven to the guard as payment. The guard likes this offer, but has to leave to check with the boss.
  • Taako uses magic to disguise himself as the first guard, asking if he can go inside to use the bathroom. The last remaining guard finds this weird, as there's no bathroom inside, but leaves his booth to escort Taako to the bathroom down the street, leaving the door unguarded.
• After killing a goon, on what was supposed to be a pacifist mission, they attempt to dispose of the body. Griffin tries to lay into them about the wanton abuse of life, but the party isn't having it.
  Taako: We should check his pockets.
  Griffin: You find a wallet, which has pictures of his wife and kids in it.
  Taako: ...they look racist.
• Taako is asked why he chose a mongoose mask, and gets a little bit too real:
  Taako: Because the mongoose has specialized acetylcholine receptors that make it impervious to venom, so they're known for killing snakes. Very surprisingly dangerous — you know, like Riki Tiki Tavi? You know? [Beat.] You know not everything has to be a joke. Sometimes you can just be honest about your feelings! And that's how I see myself, you know? I may not be the most threatening silhouette but I like to think of myself as somebody who can stand up for- you know, it doesn't always have to be goof-goof-dildo the whole time, okay? You know, I'm traveling around with the boner squad and I never get to say what I'm feeling! I have emotions! It's not all "Abra-ca-fuck-you" and what have you! I have a beating heart! I'm multi-dimensional! I'm a fully-realized creation! Fuck!
• Once the Wacky Races-style battlewagon race starts, the Funny and Awesome come at breakneck speed. Of particular note is Taako's summoning of Garyl, the ridiculously-cool Spectral Unicorn that speaks with a mellow Matthew McConaughey voice, whose stats are apparently as great as the plot requires.
• After Hurley's Heroic Sacrifice, the group stands in front of a huge cherry tree growing in the middle of the pool. It's a beautiful moment... until Magnus reaches for Railsplitter.
  Taako: Don't even think about it.
• The conclusion to the arc, when the group finally gets the Gaia Sash. First, Taako not only fails to resist the call of an artifact for the first time, but he critically fails. Then the voices of Hurley and The Raven call out to him, giving him another shot... and he fails again, at which point Magnus punches him in the head and Merle grabs the sash, at which point...
  Gaia Sash: C'mon, man, put me on! There's no plant - no vine you'll never be able to not fuck! I'll give you sexual conquest over anything! Whaddya wanna fuck, an onion?
  Merle: I don't need your help, pal!
  Griffin, incredulous: Fucking an onion?!
  • This becomes even funnier given the fact that Merle created the Gaia Sash in the first place!
• Early on, the party come to the conclusion that things would be going better if they had another party member, and the brothers jokingly ask Clint to make them a new sibling. Clint takes the opportunity to inform them that there is, in fact, a fourth brother... named Jon Snow. When they ask him how long he'd been waiting to say that, he confesses that he'd had it planned since the second episode.

"The Crystal Kingdom" Arc

• During the Bureau's "Candlenights" party:
  Lucretia: I do not expect any gifts from you, I am your employer. Frankly, that would be...
  Magnus: I hand her a coupon for "One Free Backrub".
  Lucretia: [deadpan] This is exactly what I was actually afraid of. This is...Magnus, this is the nightmare scenario.
  Magnus: You can use that whenever!
  • Taako then offers Lucretia an elderflower macaroon as his Candlenights gift to her. She decides to try one. Her verdict?
  Lucretia: [still deadpan] Hot diggity shit, this is a baller cookie.
  • While Lucretia is explaining what Lucas has been up to and the danger they're now in, Davenport bursts into the room in costume and starts doing a Candlenights dance. She is not amused to say the least.
  Lucretia: Davenport! Read the room!
• Upon meeting Killian's team, the party is introduced to a surly-looking dwarf who looks like Merle was "blended" and then put back together. The visor to his space suit rises, revealing his scowling face as cigar smoke billows from his helmet. In a gravelly voice, he growls:
  Dwarf: "My name... is Boy-Land."
  • The next episode opens with Griffin reading a message from Boyland's real life namesake claiming that while his name is actually pronounced "boy-lind", he 100% endorses the other pronunciation for his fictional counterpart.
• As Magnus and Merle fight a cockroach while shrunken down to miniature size, Taako (who is still normal size) spends the whole time more concerned with his sandwich than his friends' lives. When he does finally decide to help, he goes to distract the cockroach by creating an illusion of a female cockroach in a sexy dress, only to realize that that's heteronormative and create an illusion of another sandwich instead.
• As they enter an arcane airlock for the first time, Griffin describes it as being similar to one you'd find on a submarine, or a spaceship, to which Travis says:
  Travis: "Which we have all been in!"
  Griffin: "Um, no. Well... maybe?"
  Clint: Maybe in the backstory!
  Griffin: Probably not.
• Angus awkwardly ending the phone call with Magnus.
  (Magnus: Let us know if you come up with anything.)
  Angus: Yeah, no problem! ..... I lo- I love you!
  Magnus: Love you too.
  Clint: Shut up, don't- No. Please, no.
• Taako angrily ranting about how he's done with elevators since last time he was inside one, "vines tried to eat [his] dick". When Magnus tries to pick him up and carry him inside the Elevator Of Tomorrow, Taako wildly protests:
  Taako: You will not like how this ends! I will burn a spell slot, I give no shits!
  • When the elevator starts shrinking down Taako starts "running around with his hands in the air like Jordan after he won one of his many basketball championships".
  Taako: Do you see? Do you SEE? Don't look so stupid now, do I? You tiny bitches! I could eat you!
  • As shrunk-down Merle and Magnus watch the small futuristic version of Neverwinter in the elevator, Taako does Godzilla impressions outside of the elevator above them.
• The group's discovery during the tardigrade fight that Taako has a +7 modifier to Acrobatics
  Griffin: You're a fuckin' flip wizard and you haven't done ANYTHING with that!
  • During the tardigrade fight Taako casts "Phantasmal Killer," which summons a target's worst fear. Justin briefly pauses the game to reflect that tardigrades can endure extremes of heat and cold, a few minutes at -1000 degrees, and ten years without water, so he has no idea what the hell a tardigrade is supposed to be afraid of... but he's summoning it anyway. He guesses that it's probably "the Satan that Satan is afraid of."
• Travis accidentally breaks the fourth wall by asking Justin a question instead of Taako, which turns into an absurd bit about "Fantasy Justin," a combination phone sex operator and Delilah-style radio personality.
  Griffin: "This is Fantasy Justin filling in for Delilah, who I have killed and taken over her life, The Talented Mr. Ripley-style."
  Justin: If you're like me out there, you are just looking for that shoulder to cry on. If you're like me out there also, you're wearing Delilah's skin.
  Travis: ...I hate you guys so much.
• When the party asks for a "problem-solving" question from Hodge Podge the trivia robot, he speeds through the various clues to the logic puzzle more and more quickly. Magnus immediately answers despite catching absolutely none of it (in character, at least), and so...
  Hodge Podge: Almost — completely — wrong!
• A small moment, but upon the boys giving their names, Hodge Podge mispronounces Taako's as "Tay-ko," a la a text-to-speech robot.
• The "Stump Hodge Podge" bonus round is also worth mentioning: Merle asks him what love is and receives an exact dictionary definition, then tries (unsuccessfully) to salvage it by claiming the right answer was "a score of zero in tennis"; Magnus asks if they all get a shot, and while they do, that counts as his question; and Taako tries "why did the chicken cross the road," which gets rejected as being a riddle rather than trivia. It only devolves further from there.
  • Merle asks Hodge Podge how many fingers he's holding behind his back, and when the robot tries to reject this, Merle insists. So Hodge Podge answers. Correctly.
• After defeating Hodge Podge, Angus (whose Stone of Farspeech was blocked by Hodge Podge to keep the boys from cheating) gets back to them in tears, fearing that he'd gotten them hurt. The boys pressure Lucretia to slap Angus to calm him down, which she very reluctantly does.
• All of Merle's conversation with Pan, especially Pan being on speaker phone.
• Merle is tricked by Kravitz and his arm begins to crystallize—prompting Magnus to immediately try and chop Merle's arm off. Merle/Clint and Magnus/Travis get into a brief screaming match about it. Even better is that Justin is laughing is ass off in the background.
• Merle's painkiller-induced ramblings after having his arm chopped off are hilarious. Especially because he's basically telling the truth; it's just so weird that nobody believes him.
  Merle: God lied to me! Then there was this British guy...
  • On that note, Merle's last thoughts as a two armed man are about the voice he assumed was Pan that lead to his arm getting crystallized.
  Merle: Oh, it wasn't Pan was it?
• Taako's... unique way of attacking Kravitz—and asking for his name—in a fight where the gang is mostly-paralyzed:
  Taako, casting Evard's Black Tentacles: Hey thug, What's your name?! I'm about to tentacle your dick!
  • There's also something Hilarious in Hindsight about the fact that this is how Taako meets his future boyfriend.
  • Even funnier is what happens when Kravitz gets away from the tentacles: they give him one last gentle caress and he blushes. Yes, it may very well be 100% canon that the Grim Reaper has a tentacle fetish!
• Still during the second fight with Kravitz's crystal golem form, Magnus remains paralyzed for a couple of rounds while Merle and Taako can move. But he can still talk, and gets Taako to take the Glutton's Fork and transmute an impending crystal bomb into a Red Lobster cheddar biscuit. And he eats it whole. It's worth noting that this particular chunk of crystal used to be part of Merle's original arm.
  Kravitz: "What the fuck is wrong with the three of you?!"
• Griffin's complete inability to keep Kravitz's Cockney British accent consistent becomes a staple of this arc.
  Taako: So if we listen for your voice echoing after us, should we listen for a Cockney voice or kind of a distinguished gentleman-voice?
  Kravitz: (Cockney accent) Alright... I jump between the two at will, don't I? [...] Check this out. (incomprehensible Cockney-ish accent) I now got another accent! What's this one even called?! I dunno.
  Travis/Magnus: I think that's still Cockney, but with a mouth full of marbles.
  Kravitz: (terrible Dracula-impression) I've got to switch between different accents to trick my prey! (back to Cockney) That's not true. It's just a fun little character trait I've got. [...] I can also do a bunch of fun, Michael Winslow-style sound effects! (imitates machine gun)
• When they finally get their hands on the Philosopher's Stone, Magnus attempts to eat it. And succeeds, even though — being a powerful magical object — the Glutton's Fork can't transmute it.
  • Breaking that scene down there is so much to it. The Stone is being held by Lucas's mother Maureen, who's upset about their treatment of Lucas. By saying he can fix things and rolling a high Persuade score Magnus gets her to hand it over, at which point it speaks in a "Joe Pesci-ass voice" trying to get him to use it to turn the world to gold so he could "line your pockets" and "buy all the candies and sweets you want". Magnus instantly puts it in a glove and tries to eat it, which makes Griffin squawk "What the fuck." He tries to convince Travis that this is only going to end badly but Travis just goes on with it, and a minute or so later admits that yeah this was a stupid idea but he'd been really committed to eating a rock.
  Griffin: Make a fucking constitution saving throw to see if you can swallow this fucking rock that you're trying to eat with your mouth and put in your body.
  The Philosopher's Stone: "Hey, Magnus, is it weird that I'm kinda into this? I'm learning all kinds of stuff about myself right now."
  • This presents a problem when they return to the Bureau of Balance and need to, ahem, procure the artifact. Taako and Merle eventually manage to extricate it by transforming Magnus' entire body to stone and using Stone Shape to turn the lower half of his body into a corkscrew slide through which the artifact can roll.
  Griffin: You're gonna - you're gonna turn him into a man-tube?
  • Not to mention Merle's first remark when Lucrecia mentions retrieving the artifact.
  Merle: I cast 'Zone of Stool Softener!'
• Magnus stealing Angus' nose - Angus freaks out.
  • When he reaches up to touch his nose and realizes it's still there, he comments on how "that joke was a dark one".
  • Angus is initially amazed by it, but then Taako casts Prestidigitation to make it look like his nose really is gone...
• An easy-to-miss one: if the song "Crystal Minuet" from this arc's soundtrack sounds familiar, it's because it uses the memetic saxophone melody from "Run Away With Me" by Carly Rae Jepsen.
• Magnus jumping into the anti-gravity room and singing about how magical it is to fly.
  Magnus: It's everythiiiing I dreeeamed it would beee! I feel aliiiive for the first tiiiime!
• Near the end of the arc, Lucretia pulls the trio aside and grill them over not listening to her orders to run if they see a figure in a Red Robe. The group's defense? They forgot.
• While Kravitz is lecturing the boys for their extreme amount of deaths, they notice a large ghostly hand coming up behind him. They decide not to mention it, and instead let Kravitz keep lecturing them until the hand grabs him and commences slamming him into the ground.
  • Shortly before this, when Kravitz reveals his skeletal form, Taako complains that if Kravitz had wanted Taako to go to the Astral Plane peacefully, he should have stayed handsome. This leads to Justin, Travis and Clint complaining further that all of the slash artists who were in the middle of their Taako/Kravitz fanart now had to erase it all and start again, culminating in Clint declaring that the ship should be called "Taakitz". The whole thing is funny to begin with, but is even funnier after Taako and Kravitz actually do become a couple, with "Taakitz" becoming the most commonly used name for their ship by the fandom.

"Rest & Relaxation" Lunar Interlude

• When Angus manages to produce a fairly competent flame, Taako encouragingly tells Angus that he may be an even better wizard than himself one day. He then grabs Angus by the lapels and threatens to strike him down with all his arcane power should Angus ever surpass him.
• When Taako's Umbra Staff carves the burning letters "L U P" into the wall, Taako is completely baffled. Angus, however, is ecstatic.
  Angus: You've given me an even better gift, sir: a new mystery to solve!
  Taako: Aw fuck!
• In reference to the party's past troubles using the Fantasy Gachapon correctly, Leon attempts to entice our heroes with three pieces of their favorite candy if each of them can correctly operate the machine. Magnus and Merle both comply with the request, but Taako instead blinks behind Leon, steals the candy, and replaces it with his Gachapon Token. Leon falls to the floor and begins to weep.
  Leon: We were so... We were so close to Candy Station...
  Taako: (clearly holding back laughter) I'm already pullin' in bubela!
  • What makes this even better is when Taako then grabs his token from Leon's prone, weeping form and puts it into the Gachapon perfectly while munching on his candy, meaning that he's doing all of this solely to be a dick to Leon.
• Magnus approaches Carey with the intent of asking her to train him. The way he starts she thinks he's confessing feelings for her and she quickly shuts him down explaining he's not her type. She's quite relieved to find it was just a misunderstanding.
  • When Magnus asks to talk to her alone, Carey tells Killian and NO-3113 to take a break and Griffin says they waltz out of the room...immediately clarifying after that they literally waltz out together in a dance.

"The Eleventh Hour" Arc

• At the very beginning, the boys attempt to persuade Lucretia to let them do a "picking out summer fashions" montage before leaving. She desperately shoos them out of her office, but they do go to pick out some clothes to wear to the desert. Magnus rather sensibly chooses some camo-print cargo shorts, Taako goes for a mauve skirt, and Merle buys a pair of plaid jodhpurs and has Garfield cut them down to knee-length for him to make "jort-purs". By the end of it, Garfield is also trying to get them to get the hell out.
• Taako unlocks a drawer in the sheriff's desk, which sets off an alarm.
  Justin: Is there anything else in there?
  Griffin: No, just the keys.
  Justin (as Taako): This is bad.
• The gang is locked up when Roswell's suspicions get too high. Following an earthquake, Merle and Magnus wonder if they should see if the cell is damaged enough to escape from. Taako reminds them that he has a spell to unlock things—which he just used—and that they could leave at any moment; he just thought they were trying to go along with it.
• To avoid Roswell's suspicions of them again, Taako comes up with the pretty smart lie that Sheriff Isaak was the one who brought them to Refuge to help out with the ruffian problem.

  Travis: I would just like everyone to know, as this is happening, Magnus is slowly turning and staring at Taako—this is the most competent thing he's ever done.

• Taako meets a fan of his, who just so happens to be the saloon/hotel owner, and she offers him a room—check-in at noon. The problem? Once the clock strikes twelve, the entire town will be destroyed, everyone will be killed (including Taako and Ren), and everything will start back over at eleven o'clock.
  Taako: Why don't you hold on to the key for me?
  (Griffin, Travis, and Clint lose it.)
• In the third episode, having realized they're in a "Groundhog Day" Loop, Merle and Magnus decide to bet ten diamonds (which they don't have) in an arm-wrestling match against a Goliath, figuring that if worse comes to worst they can avoid any consequences. They quickly realize that while they may be able to avoid long-term consequences, that doesn't stop them from getting the snot beaten out of them by an angry giant. Cue desperate attempts to get out of trouble.
  • Once she notices trouble, Ren, the bartender, yells at Merle and Magnus to give up the diamonds or get lost. She then asks Taako if she knows who they are.
  Taako: No. (To Merle and Magnus) Give them their diamonds!
  • Merle, still there after Magnus has bolted ("I've got to get diamonds from the bank!", getting out of it.
  Merle: (Holding up his hand) You see this?
  Goliath: Yeah.
  Merle: Now you see me raising it up in the air?
  Goliath:: Yep.
  Merle: You see me moving it back and forth?
  Goliath: Are you trying to hypnotize me, or something?
  Merle: No, no! You see me moving it back and forth?
  Goliath: Yes, yes.
  Merle: See ya!
  (Merle runs out of the building.)
• Taako and Magnus go see Paloma, who gives them the prophecy that they will find something in the quarry. Taako had already been told this by Ren, and complains they've been ripped off.
  • During this scene, Paloma asks for diamonds as payment, which Magnus and Taako do not have. They try to explain to her that due to the loop, they will have it later, at that moment.
  Taako: We'll have them now...later.
  Magnus: We will remember to have diamonds for you when we're here now.
• With another loop coming up, Taako starts flying spells left and right, just because he can.
• Once our heroes get to the booby-trapped mine, the nature of the "Groundhog Day" Loop means that they start shamelessly making use of Save Scumming to move the story along...much to the apparent consternation of the mysterious old lady who's running it.
  Magnus: Sorry! We're working on it! Be back in a minute!
• When Cassidy finally stops running long enough to let Merle talk to her, he smiles at her gently... and belts out a parody of "Hello" from The Book of Mormon. Unfortunately, it doesn't have the desired effect of calming her down, considering her response is to bash him over the head with a shovel.
  Merle: Pan loves you anyways!
• The team goes through the entire booby-trapped mine three times trying to solve a wire-cutting puzzle by process of elimination. When Merle realizes that there was a key in the first room that would solve the puzzle without having to go through all the wire-cutting and explosions, Magnus makes the only reasonable decision:
  Magnus: Well if we're already here, hold on, I'll get us out of here!
  Magnus cuts all five wires at once, the boys go to Heaven.
• The second time Taako visits Ren in the Davy Lamp, Griffin mentions that the piano player is playing Jock Jams on the piano. He mentions that he's going to leave a silence to edit that in later, then expresses doubt that he could figure out how to do that within 24 hours. Almost immediately, the soundtrack kicks in with a piano rendition of Get Ready For This.
• Taako manages to get eleven diamonds out of Ren and Ash by pretending that he's hosting a seminar: Help Yourself: Cast Yourself Into Magic Legend!
  Ren: It's called...Hi-key-mickle? ^note  HYCYIML
  Taako: Next time, I'll have a better acronym.
• Following the above, Magnus and Merle pass by Taako, who—having completed his quest for diamonds—is juggling them while shaking his butt.
  Magnus: Taako, what are you going to go do?
  Taako: Yeah, right, absolutely! See you there!
  Magnus (as Griffin laughs): Okay.
• Magnus and Merle try to interrogate Cassidy, who screams "gerblins" at the drop of a hat and in general won't stay calm for all of two seconds. With a good roll and a firm "Shut the fuck up!", she concedes with a simple "Okay!"
• In the same scene, Cassidy accuses the boys of being six gerblins in disguise, and Magnus objects, saying it should be "at least seven"
• In a scene familiar to anyone with siblings, Justin teases Travis for asking if Luca the skeleton is alive and Travis gets really defensive.
  Travis: IT'S D&D! SKELETONS MOVE IN THIS GAME, JUSTIN!
  Justin: Hey Griffin, is the rug alive? It's D&D, so...^note Rugs of Strangling actually do exist in D&D.
  • After mercilessly teasing Travis at length for this assumption, it turns out that the skeleton is in fact alive.
  Travis: SEE?? Suck my butt, Justin!
  Griffin: Was that in-character?
  Travis/Magnus: Yeah. Suck my butt, Taako!
• The Chalice getting slowly more dejected as it realizes that not only did it fail to tempt any of the party besides Magnus, it couldn't even make Taako and Merle offers tempting enough to take seriously.
  • Taako's reactions to both offers especially stands out:
  Taako: (In reaction to learning that the show gone wrong wasn't his fault) Here's how it shook out for Taako - and we can get into this a bit more if you guys want. But as it turns out; remember that thing that I've spent so long feeling kind of bad about - not super bad - but like pretty darn bad? ... Get this! Not my fault! Like, I have nothing to change! I didn't do anything wrong! This is a- it was a very chill vision for me - I'm feeling, like, amazing! And I feel no obligation to go back and change anything, 'cause it was like, I'm in the best possible timeline for Taako; personally.
  Taako: (In reaction to the second offer to undo the destruction of Phandalin) Listen. If I wasn't gonna use this to clean up a mess that was half my fault, I'm certainly not going to use it to clean up a mess that's one third my fault - at best!
• Taako had gotten a prophecy from Paloma that was a vision of rail tracks and Paloma practically yelling "Turn right" in his face for a solid minute. A few episodes later, during a chase scene in a mine, they have a fork in the tracks and Taako needs to choose which way to go. While Justin hems and haws, you can hear Travis struggling in the background, eventually yelling at at him to go right repeatedly and ending up on the floor. Made funnier by the fact that they're all recording in the same room for once and Justin is clearly aware of all this.
  Travis: *Rolling on the floor in exasperated pain.*
  Justin: Trav, please, my daughter's sleeping.
• As Refuge catches up with normal time, the boys and Avi spot a bunch of kids inside the bubble making clay statues of the three of them. After the bubble pops, Taako has a request to make.
  Taako: (to Paloma) Will you find the kids in town, who spent all that time to make those beautiful statues of us... and tell them to make my dick bigger.
  • Paloma high fives him

"The Calm Before The Storm" Lunar Interlude

• Taako attempts to negotiate with the Bounty Hunter-esque Grim Reaper for the lives of himself, his party, and the entire population of Refuge. He holds this meeting at the local wine-and-pottery place on what turns out to be couples' night. Why did Taako changed the location from the party's dorm, their previous meeting place?
  Taako: Well, ironically, because I thought it would get weird. [...] I don't know why I thought this would be the better option.
  • Said wine and pottery place is called the Chug and Squeeze.
  • Griffin gets fed up with his own inability to keep Kravitz's Cockney accent consistent, and switches to American. How does he justify this change in-universe? Cockney is Kravitz's work accent, which he uses as an intimidation factor.
  • Partway through the date, Kravitz suddenly senses the presence of a lich, and takes his skeletal form in a panic. Taako is even more attracted to him when he does this.
    Kravitz: Taako, there's... there's something here!
    Taako: Yeah, I feel it too.
    Kravitz: W-what? No, not that!
• One of the Fantasy Costco items on sale this time around, The Slicer of T'pire Wire Isles, is a magically enticing but otherwise largely unremarkable stone which the user, on a successful persuasion check, can barter for the most valuable item in someone's possession. Another, the Pocket Guide to Adventuring, grants advantage on any skill check once per day. Taako buys both, reads the section on Persuasion, and then immediately trades the stone back to Garfield for the Flaming Poisoning Raging Sword of Doom, which Griffin had specifically priced obscenely high so that none of the party would ever be able to buy it. And then he doesn't even wield it or give it to Magnus, preferring to wear it as an accessory.
  Taako: Garfield?
  Garfield: Yes?
  Taako: I have something that I think is really gonna interest you.
  *beat*
  Griffin (OOC): OH MY GOD!
  • Griffin also mentions that no less than 20 listener-submitted Fantasy Costco items were vaping themed, for some reason.
• Taako's unfathomably dickish treatment of Leon the Artificer reaches its zenith in this round at the Fantasy Gachapon; After Magnus and Merle put their coins in and get their respective items with no incident (other than Merle trying to make it fancy), Taako seemingly goes over to the machine and puts his coin in, causing Leon to fall prostrate on the ground, weeping and giving thanks to a god none of them have heard of before... cue the coin flying out of the machine and bonking Leon on the head while "Taako" disappears from in front of the machine, revealing that Taako (now screaming with laughter at Leon's misfortune) had cast Mislead out in the hall to dupe Leon as he stayed at the door. Taako is laughing so hard that he doesn't even really want anything from the Gachapon, as nothing will be able to give him as much joy as seeing Leon's dead, broken expression at having been tricked again.
  • And then while Leon is practically catatonic from the mental agony Taako declares "I win!" and then picks up his token and uses it to get a magic item from the Gachapon.
    • And for bonus points This is the absolute last time we ever see Leon in the campaign.
  • As Merle's trick-shot rebounds and smacks Leon in the face, his frustration boils over.
  Leon: AH, GOD, JUST PICK IT UP, PLEASE, and put it in the machine! Please! I'm dying. I'm in hell. I'm in hell and you're Satan!

"The Suffering Game" Arc

• After Magnus knocks out two guards and stores them in the Pocket Workshop, Griffin immediately 1) expresses annoyance that now he has to name them both and 2) establishes a two-person limit so that he can't keep "pokémon-ing" people to have an "infinite bag of boys."
• Taako's initial reaction to the pose-a-thon disco experience that is Lydia and Edward's catwalk.
  Justin: This should go without saying, but Taako is delighted.
• While choosing voices to use for Lydia and Edward:
  Griffin: Hmmm...I'm thinking maybe Team Rocket?
  Travis: YES!
• As Merle is being given a Prisoner's Dilemma in episode two, Taako almost immediately cuts in with shouts of "forsake."
  • A few episodes later, when the same scenario pops up, Taako immediately uses Mage Hand to mash the "Forsake" button, prompting Lydia to gently remind him that they need to select someone to make the choice first. Which still ends up being Taako.
• During the fight in the Monster Factory, Taako's bad luck kicks in. Cue a washing machine (or a piece of industrial machinery akin to it) falling out of the air and slamming into Taako's midsection and legs apropos of nothing. It's Played for Drama, but the sheer absurdity of it wouldn't be out of place in a Warner Brothers cartoon.
• After Justin gets annoyed that Griffin won't let him cast stone flesh on the the poisonous regenerating slime, he decides to make Taako cast Disintegrate on it, but using the Umbra Staff to cast it out of his butt. And it works. Really well.
  Travis: I loved it when they recast Taako as Adam Sandler!
• When they meet Cam he's playing dead (a very easy thing to do in his circumstances) but, when touched, opens his eyes and yells "BLAAAH!". Magnus does not react at all and acts like it didn't happen.
• When trying to figure out who should give up or receive some HP, Magnus asks where Taako's at, and he responds that he's currently at 34 points, and his max is 49. Griffin lets out a "holy shit!" and comments on how low it is, leading to this hilarious exchange that works both in and out of character.
  Griffin: That's just real low.
  Justin/Taako: [audibly annoyed] Is it? Is it, Griffin? Is it? [Griffin, Travis, and Clint laugh] Is it real low? Is it almost like some fucking liches of your imagination sucked my hit points away from me, a wizard? Is that what hap—-is that what may account for the lowness?
• Griffin jokes about writing a parody of "Wonderwall" called "Wonderwheel". Justin then tries to actually make one up on the spot, but it has completely different words and music, and doesn't even use the term "wonderwheel".
• Clint trying to justify giving up Merle's wedding ring, which he's definitely had this whole time, as a sacrifice for the boys' second go on the wheel. This despite the fact that he 1) hated his ex-wife and 2) was the one to walk out on his family. The boys aren't having it.
  Griffin: I'm a shithead, feel bad for me, the Oprah special! You get a car!
• Taako's reaction when he finds out about Merle's kids:
  Taako: Imagine my shock, Merle's a deadbeat dad. Agag. Agog. I'm aghast. As nurturing as he is, you know?
• This exchange about Merle's ring deserves special mention:
  Clint: No, this wedding ring that was my only happy memories, from when my little family was still intact.
  Justin: Mhmm.
  Travis: Before someone ripped it apart.
  Griffin: Before someone did a bad thing.
• One of Merle's roulette wheel spins doesn't really line up with his ability set, leading to this exchange:
  Edward: How about this? In your next battle here in Wonderland, you're gonna be a real dunce. And if you accept this—
  Magnus: No, but what's his punishment?
  Taako: Yeah, but then what happens after?
  • Followed by this:
  Lydia: I don't see you winning any big battles in the future—
  Merle: Bite me!
• After Magnus and Merle have given their fairly big sacrifices (Magnus's memory of the man who killed his wife, and Merle's eye) Taako is challenged to give up some of his Elvish beauty. Despite how minimal this appears compared to the others' sacrifices, Taako is genuinely torn.
  • Taako finally makes his decision to give it up.
  Taako: I've thought about it a lot. As near as I can figure, Normal Taako's still head and shoulders above ninety percent of the population of this stupid planet.
  • ...Followed by him simply casting Disguise on himself to return to his former looks. Griffin is both taken aback and absolutely delighted.
• The fact that in the Boss Rush fight Cam keeps rolling really high on Dex and dodging things and casting spells that cause hideous amounts of damage. He's a talking head.
• When it comes to Magnus's turn at Trust or Forsake, he recalls Rowan's face asking him "Why?" ^note Taako had previously chosen to Forsake the team not knowing it was them. While the Tres Horny Boys got the best outcome, the others had to endure horrible torture as a result.
  Justin: You see the sad face of Taako, and he mouths "Because I would have died!"
• Taako deciding that he's over and done with the Boss Rush fight, and decides to cut to the chase by polymorphing himself into a fucking Tyrannosaurus Rex and chomping the recreated Shark Tank from Petals to the Metal in half in one bite, bisecting the mannequin Marvey in much the same way that Magnus did to the real deal. He also maintains his wizard hat, but its comically tiny upon his now massive head.
  • Even funnier, Justin decides to have Griffin describe what Taako is doing by texting it to him. Griffin's reaction when he gets the text is priceless.
• Edward the Lich's hilariously inept attempts to impersonate Magnus once he's hijacked Magnus's body.
  Fake!Magnus: Yep, that's me! Magnus! I'm rushing in!
• The party is very done by the time the arc is finished.
  The Animus Bell: How would you like to live forever?
  Magnus: I'd hate it. Shut the fuck up.
  • Almost immediately comes back to a tearjerker when Travis says that Magnus, while not necessarily a death seeker, is looking forward to dying so that he can see his wife again.
• Despite being unconscious, Taako manages to get out a Bond One-Liner so ridiculous that Merle and Magnus can't decide if they're horrified or impressed:
  Taako: Liches... get... stitches.
  • Even better is Magnus' reaction:
    Magnus: Now, to be fair, Merle, I think we would both agree that Taako would want to die after making that joke, so we should just let him go peacefully into that good night.
  • Justin also justifies Taako being able to say this line while unconscious because "I can't say cool shit twenty minutes after we kill someone, and with the fuckin' Marx Brothers over here, it could be upwards of thirty."
• Travis' reaction to learning Lydia completely destroyed Magnus' body as payback for her brother's death, trapping Magnus in the mannequin he was forced to possess.
  Travis: My beautiful body!
• The Reveal that the Red Robe is, in fact, Barry Bluejeans, of all people. Griffin builds it up as this huge, dramatic twist (and, to some extent, it is) but Clint understandably goes into conniptions as soon as the words "sturdy, denim, and blue" drop and everything clicks into place.
• When things are looking especially grim for the party during the final battle against Lydia and Edward, Taako lampshades how the party is usually saved from such situations by a Deus ex Machina:
  There has to be a competent woman somewhere! That's what we always lean on when we're in dire straits, a competent woman!
  • This is doubly funny given that Lydia and Edward were ultimately defeated by the Umbra Staff, which was created by, is currently imprisoning and is partially controlled by Lup. So in a way, they actually were saved by a competent woman!

"Reunion Tour" Lunar Interlude

• This exchange:
  Clint/Merle: So wait, are we now going against the Bureau of Balance?
  Travis/Magnus: Yes, Dad. Surprising no one on Reddit.
• When the trio take the orb back to the Moon Base, as Griffin describes it ascending into the sky, Clint improvised some upbeat music:
  Justin: Griffin composes music for this program, Clinton.
  Clint: Sorry, right, I forgot again. Sorry.
  Griffin: No, that's it, that was - he actually got it like, [Justin mutters over Griffin] note for note that's exactly - I was gonna do some clown bullshit.
  [Reunion Tour begins playing again]
  Griffin: I actually have it written down in my notes right here. It says uh, BPM 128 uh, 4/4 time, clown bullshit.
• When Davenport doesn't allow Taako to the see relic destruction process, Magnus immediately suggests the riskiest plan:
  Magnus: Taako? Taako.
  Taako: Yeah?
  Magnus: Tell him I am also a powerful artifact and need to be destroyed.
  Taako: (Beat; drawn-out) Are... you... sure? That's, listen, uh, listen kitty cat, I don't know how many more lives you got left in there, huh?
  Magnus: Alright, well, hold on to that. We'll save that if we need to get into that chamber.
  Taako: Yeah, good idea though. Keep it on the backburner for sure.
• While the debate over the pros and cons of Magnus returning to his body is mostly a Tear Jerker, it does have a few funny lines courtesy of Taako:
  • Taako points out that he and Merle would absolutely abuse their responsibility of reeducating Magnus about the world.
    Taako: I mean, you are coming back as the A-number-one fan of Taako and also my personal assistant, for sure.
  • When Magnus tries to explain the true cost of being in a mannequin body:
    Magnus: I can't feel anything.
    Taako: So you can't feel sad that you don't have a body!
• Merle's attempt to give Magnus a heartfelt goodbye.
  Merle: See ya, good boy.
  Magnus: Okay. Weird.
• During Merle and Taako's confrontation with Angus in the Lucretia's Private Chamber, Griffin asks them to do a Charisma Saving Throw. When they handily succeed, Griffin reveals that Angus just tried to use Zone of Truth on them.
  Merle: HA! Thought you could try that move on me? I invented that move!
  • While Taako and Merle succeed the saving throw, Barry does not, and immediately announces that he doesn't know what's going on, that he's in Taako's Pocket Spa and probably isn't meant to be on the moon base.
  • Taako tries to trick Angus into thinking he's under the effects of Zone of Truth.
    Taako: I can't lie, you cast Zone of Truth on me!
    Merle: But we resisted, though.
    Taako: (exasperated) Well, okay, now he knows that.
    Merle: Oh...
    Taako: (to Angus) Um... so yeah, we resisted, I was trying to lie, I'm sorry. My partner over here apparently has an internal Zone of Truth that's always just sort of... goin' for the gusso.
    Merle: I am a holy man.
    Taako: Yeah, sure. So, um-
    Merle: (interrupting) So lets kill him!
    Taako: No.

"The Stolen Century" Arc

• Griffin lets the players come up with the name for the IPRE ship. Their suggestions include "Boaty McBoatface", "The Laser Spinnaker", and the eventual winner, "Starblaster".
  Griffin: I still can't believe they named it that.
• The entire press conference scene, which gets dragged further and further off-topic as Justin, Travis, and Clint have fun coming up with goofy names and publications for reporters. By the time Clint interviews Merle as Cliff Clavin and compliments his incredible physique, any attempt at seriousness or professionalism has been abandoned.
  • Barry gives an excited and detailed answer to one reporter, prompting Lup to make fun of him for being a nerd in a Stage Whisper.
  • Lup's reason for wanting to go on the IPRE voyage was because she felt she'd already "crushed it" in her original world and saw it as an opportunity to "expand her brand". She then calls out a guy who owes her $15 and performs a Mic Drop that makes Davenport wince.
  • Aside from Cliff Clavin, the crowd of reporters also includes a vaguely Libertarian guy complaining about tax-funded research via Skype, "Wisp Blinkman from eyeofthebeholder\geocities.com", a guy called "Name Name from Publication" (changed by Griffin to "Jeff Jeffins from the Jeff Report" after Travis complains), and an inexplicable cameo by Frasier Crane (whom Cliff enthusiastically greets as he hadn't seen him since "the original show").
  • When Travis enquires about the ship's weaponry, Griffin as Davenport tosses the question over to the ship's Security Officer...Magnus:
    Travis: And Magnus like flips his cool guy fantasy shades and he asks "Uh...what was the question?" [OOC] Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.
    [Awkward silence]
    Griffin ...you asked it.
• Lucretia being so absorbed in her note-taking that she ends up Strolling Through the Chaos of the bar fight.
• Griffin originally expected The Stolen Century to be a short and quick-moving arc that they could wrap up in two episodes. Naturally, it takes the boys half of the first episode just to leave their home world.
  • Griffin also points out that that half of the episode comprises what his notes refer to as "Year Zero". Of an arc called "The Stolen Century".
• One of the cycles takes the crew to the world of The Adventure Zone Nights, where they quickly determine that they have no hope of finding the Light of Creation and saving the plane. Travis' response to Clint pointing out that Griffin is, essentially, destroying his game world is to claim that he'll have the next session of TAZ Nights start with a random guy waking up and revealing that TAZ Balance was All Just a Dream.
• After Merle chooses to spend his "turn" with Lucretia recording the history of the robot civilization and the stories they have to tell so that their culture lives on, it's Taako's turn... and he immediately announces that he and Lup are going to loot the entire city and murder the robots for resources. Fortunately, he doesn't end up having to do that, but...
  • And after they find that they can just loot the uninhabited ruins of the city instead, Lup finds a Tommy gun... and immediately unloads it into the air shouting "Count the Shells!". Twice. She even hands the robotic Troth one of the guns she found and tells her to "Light them the fuck up".
• Clint stressing that the stories that they hear from the robots emphasize an especially handsome bard.
• Griffin asking Travis for help with some worldbuilding and then immediately teasing him about it:
  Griffin: What's the symbol of the Beasts of the Ring look like, Trav?
  Travis: It's a... it's a howling wolf with a, uh... a gear as the moon.
  Griffin: Okay, it's just a dog yelling at some technology, I like it.
  Travis: It's a howling wolf on a gear, alright?
  Griffin: It's a dog who saw a gear and got really scared and yelled at it!
• Lup gives a touching, teary speech to the rest of the crew about how she has to believe that there's some way to save the worlds that have already been devoured by the Hunger... because Greg Grimaldis still owes her $15. The funniest part is that this happens seventeen years after the IPRE crew left their home world, meaning Lup has been carrying this grudge for close to two decades.
• Clint makes a roll so bad that Merle almost dies during the Beach Episode.
  • What makes it even funnier is that Griffin immediately walks it back, declaring that Everyone Lives during the Beach Episode, but Clint insists on playing Merle as if he's just been poisoned by an exploding seashell, spending a good chunk of the loop vomiting into a hole in the ground.
  • Said roll was for Merle trying to attach googly eyes to a seashell.
• Merle's whole gift-giving scene just keeps getting worse as each recipient finds an increasingly transparent excuse to get rid of whatever trash Merle gave them. By the time he gives Lup a hollowed-out jellyfish to use as a shower cap, she just tells him that she's not going to put a dead fish on her head and then drops it on the floor, claiming an invisible demon knocked it out of her hands.
  • Barry starts slowly backing out of the room during this scene as he realizes how shitty Merle's gifts are.
• When asked how he's going to spend his year, Magnus closely examines a beautiful piece of driftwood, which Travis builds up like it's the beginning of Magnus' love of carpentry. Then he throws it in the air, yells for Lup to use it as target practice, and spends the whole year sneaking up on people and scaring them to keep them on their toes.
  "MAGNUS!"
• Taako and Barry's conversation near the end of the Beach Episode is definitely heartwarming, but it also contains such gems as Taako speaking like a Surfer Dude the whole time and Barry saying that he's not in love with Lup, he just has a crush that's gone on for 21 years.
• As part of a trial to gain the Light of Creation, Merle has to successfully use a spell called Parlay to put himself at risk to communicate with his enemy and the crew chooses to use this to get some insight into The Hunger. The catch? He has to be naked to cast it. Taako leaves the room after hearing that and then leaves the room he left to after Merle actually starts stripping.
  • He actually doesn't have to be naked, but Merle insists on at least taking his shirt off.
• In a dimension where there is no war or military, Magnus channels his skills and energies into coaching a kids' sports team. Travis presents us with a Category-5 Cliché Storm, with Griffin barely keeping up with the kids' voices, and barely keeping it together.
  • Magnus' obligatory Rousing Speech quickly turns into an It's All About Me moment, with him telling the kids that the magic wasn't inside them all along because it was actually inside him, that they shouldn't worry about the crowd or the other team because the only thing they need to worry about is disappointing him and making him look bad, and that if they do badly in the game he won't save the plane at the end of the year when the Hunger comes.
  • During said Rousing Speech, Clint chimes in with a character-voice-less comment even though Merle isn't in the scene. The other boys decide that, In-Universe, this came from a nearby loser janitor named Clint McElroy who was fired for embezzlement.
  • Despite rolling well enough to win the game fairly, Travis decides that his team won by "playing like no one's ever seen." He immediately cuts Griffin off to explain that he doesn't mean the kids played well - he means that they cheated their asses off.
• When entering the Voidfish's homeworld, the crew hears a cacophony of different songs, poems and stories. Griffin allows the players to decide what particularly stuck out to their characters, so Travis decides that Magnus' Animal Handling proficiency means he would hear a song about animals—specifically, "Who Let the Dogs Out" by Baha Men. The best part is how Travis plays it, so his family and the listener start realizing what he's talking about and you can hear someone start clapping in the background.
  Griffin: Was there anything in the noise that you picked out, that like kinda stood out to you? Again, like it could be anything. Songs, stories and poems. What did you hear that stuck out in your mind?
  Travis: ... Well, as I think everybody knows... Magnus' love of animals and, you know, his heroic start defending a dog. So he hears a haunting melody... about dogs that have escaped... and the cry that went up from across the town of who let all these dogs escape? Where have these dogs gone? Who did this? Who? Who? Who? Who?
  Griffin: All right, I'm sorry I asked.
  • Merle hears "Cheeseburger in Paradise - Live Version" by Jimmy Buffet. And Taako?
    Justin: Paul Blart 3. That's right. It's coming, folks!
• In the midst of the Statues leveling serious accusations about the character of our heroes, one of them takes the time to call Merle out on his plant fetish to which he asks if he can plead differently for each of the charges and also delivers an Pun which receives a Lame Pun Reaction from Griffin.
  Judge: You also bear a fondness for... arbor... which does not bear repeating.
  Merle: I am pretty guilty of... arbor ardor.
  Travis: Objection!
• Equally funny and heartwarming is Taako's response to Lup's request to give her "the best day ever:" he takes her to an abandoned DMV building and lets her utterly trash it. Yeah, Taako gets her.
• Lup's first action upon becoming a lich is to dab. The absurdity is compounded by the Mood Whiplash of this moment coming directly after a long, tense, emotional buildup to the ritual.
• As the IPRE crew is deciding where to hide their Relics, Taako, in his own inimitable fashion, chucks the Philosopher's Stone down a well in Phandalin, yells that there's a cool rock down the well, and promptly fucks off. In this massive Tear Jerker of an episode this is a stark moment of levity.

"Story and Song" Finale

• With great fanfare, the Dungeons and Dragons ruleset returns, with both Merle and Taako having to make saving throws... and Clint immediately rolls a 2. Justin makes fun of him... and then rolls a 2 himself.
• Justin's comment while explaining how he's kitted out Taako with his experience points:
  Justin: Should I talk slower so that everyone who's been complaining about us not playing D&D has time to nut?
• After nearly three years, Magnus finally gets to use his Animal Handling proficiency.
• The first thing Lup says after Taako releases her lich form from the Umbra Staff, proving that she's still alive and herself; "You're dating the Grim Reaper?!"
  • Taako immediately declares he obviously knew Lup was in the umbrella all along. In true sibling fashion, they immediately start ribbing eachother.
    Lup: Well why didn't you let me out sooner, dingus?
    Taako: Well, I didn't remember you existed, goofus!
  • On that note, In a crossover with Awesome, Lup's reaction to Edward entering the Umbra Staff during the events of The Suffering Game.
  Lup: I'm gonna fucking kill you now.
• While both moments are very emotional in different ways, the fact that this is the second episode in a row where Barry's been willing to instantly die for Lup unprompted is kind of hilarious.
• As Lup, Barry, and Taako jump off the edge of the Bureau's base down to the remains of Phandalin, Taako turns to the others before going over:
  Taako: Don't worry, guys. I have magic powers. *jumps off the edge and casts Levitate on himself*
  Magnus: ...Was that supposed to be some sort of reveal?
• Lup asks Taako why he thinks the world starts to lose its color every time the Hunger shows up.
  Taako: Dramatic effect?
  Lup: No. Well, yes, but...
• When Barry and Lup start getting overwhelmed by the Hunger's forces as Taako struggles to open a window to the Astral Plane, who should show up in nick of time to turn the tide? Why, it's Upsy, Your Lifting Friend of course! And now the world's most horrifying elevator has arms and legs and is being piloted by Lucas!
  • On that note, the fact that despite growing a pretty kickass beard, Lucas is still the same nerdy loser he was in The Crystal Kingdom.
• Despite having absolutely no idea what Overwatch even is, Taako mocks Joaquin for being a Genji main.
  • While the fact that the taco quest ends up saving the universe is funny enough on its own, Griffin mentioned on his podcast Rose Buddies^note episode: "Roze Buddiez: Good Things That We Like" that that scene was inspired by an hours-long, super vivid dream he had that just consisted of the characters frying potatoes... because he had a cold and was tripped out on 24-hour Sudafed.
• There's a lot of great callbacks in part 2 of the finale (including "no dogs on the moon", after Avi knocks the Royal Wolf off the moonbase, but the best one has got to be:
  Joaquin: Everything's going to be alright. I've got magic powers.
• Before Kravitz and Taako kiss, Kravitz stops and cups his hands to his mouth to warm up his normally ice-cold lips so the kiss won't be "cold and weird."
  • However, the reason he's cold is because he's undead, and thus has no internal body heat. His breath would've been just as cold as his lips!
• The reaction of everyone involved in the collective realization that Lucretia could've just formed a seal around The Hunger with her barrier instead of slicing one livable plane out of reality.
  "Huh".
• As the crew of the Starblaster, sans Barry and Lup, prepare to leave the Bureau headquarters and take the fight to the Hunger itself, Magnus offers up his grandfather's knife to Angus for luck. It makes for a heartwarming farewell... before it's immediately followed by about three minutes worth of less and less tearful farewells and increasingly thoughtless or inane gestures of affection. By the end of it Davenport and Lup are begging them to get on with it, as are a majority of the audience.
  Justin: And then I walk back over to Angus and I flip him my plastic sheriff’s badge and I say -
  Justin as Taako: You’re the sheriff of magic now, Angus!
• There's something hilarious that after everything The Adventure Zone has given us in its first "season", all the various emotions it's made us feel and the long beautiful journey it's taken us on, the Balance Arc winds up concluding on Episode 69.
  Griffin: That's the sex number!
• One of the recurring characters summoned with the team's Bonds during the final battle is Garfield the Deals Warlock, who gives quite possibly the best Pre Ass Kicking One Liner in the entire series.
  Garfield the Deals Warlock: ...you boys want to know the best part of Fantasy Costco? FREE SAMPLES! (chucks a magic grenade at John that causes massive damage)
• The fact that Griffin refuses to describe Garfield's appearance, after it's mentioned that they never did that throughout the podcast.
• In the Epilogue, we have Merle's "conditions" for accepting the position of Governor of the soon to be rebuilt village of Bottlenose Cove: while Lord Sterling reluctantly accepts to change Merle's title from "Governor" to "Earl" (thus making him "Earl Merle"), he absolutely refuses to change the name of the village to "Merlegaritaville". As compromise, Lord Sterling agrees to personally build him a themed bar and call it whatever he wants. Later on, we find out this was Not Hyperbole, as we see the bumbling nobleman making a valiant effort to actually build something.
• Taako and Lup continue their ceaseless ribbing while Taako cooks for the wedding.
  Lup: (having tasted a sauce Taako made, grimacing) Just... just one thing. One small criticism. Um... I think you may have forgotten to make it taste good.
  (Justin snorts)
  Taako: I mean, there's no accounting for taste. It's more refined, it's sort of... Y'know what it is?
  Lup: But yuck- kinda yucky? A little bit?
  Taako: Continental. It's kind of, umm... Artisenal?
  Lup: (holding back laughter) You're kinda full of dog shit sometimes.
  Taako: That's what it was, I forgot! I did include dog shit.
  (Lup spits the sauce out)
• Magnus' coverup for sneaking off to talk to Carey before the wedding ceremony:
  Magnus: If you'll all excuse me, I have... to shit.
• After the story is fully wrapped up, there's a moment of poignant silence, and then the boys start cracking jokes about the fact that they've been playing DnD for three years while "No Dogs on the Moon!" plays.
  • "Thus ends The Adventure Zone: Balance, the story of four idiots that played DnD so hard that they made themselves cry."
  • Justin jokes that someone needs to come clean up the massive amounts of urine that have accumulated from a nonstop, three-year DnD session.
    Travis: Wait, is it weird that I haven't peed this whole time?
    Griffin: In three years?! Travis, go to the emergency room now.
    Travis: I mean, I think I've just started sweating it out. I also haven't consumed any liquids, though, so like...
    Griffin: Oh, you're good then. Oh wait, no, you're not good, Travis, go to the emergency room right now.

Live Shows

The Live Boston Stunt Spectacular

• Justin playing Taako playing Tuff Greg.
  Taako: Well, as I always say to the wife before I hop into bed, make room for Greg!
• Merle calls Magnus a dork for getting super into his character, who he has given the Elvish name "I'Morko." Travis responds "Elvish is not dorky, dad!" in his character voice and Griffin immediately cuts in to say that that was definitely in-character.
• Early on in the special Merrick tries to offer Angus a Jeff Angel button, which the boy detective rejects on the basis that he's "no chump mark" sending the audience into hysterics. Later on as Garrigos attempts to re-enter the world, the chaos causes Angus to be revealed in the crowd wearing a Jeff Angel shirt.
• The Random Number God strikes again when Taako casts a Charm Person on Gerald the Catwalk Boy:
  Griffin: I have to make a wisdom saving throw.
  Justin: (sarcastically) Right. I'm up against the formidable wisdom of Catwalk Boy. (looks at Griffin's roll) ...That's a natural 20.
  (audience goes insane)
• When Jeff Angel makes his entrance, Griffin makes a big deal of having everyone listen to "Jeff Angel's Theme", which he describes as "the only piece of original music that I have prepared for the evening". It turns out to just be John Cena's theme played in a fake trumpet soundfont.
  • Jeff Angel himself is a massive parody of Cena, which itself is a recipe for hilarity. When he first shows up he cuts a promo that amounts to "My opponents are bad because I think they don't call their dads but I call mine EVERY DAY!" and the most notable thing he does during the fight is perform Cena's "You Can't See Me!" taunt which actually turns him invisible.
• When Clint goes to roll a d20, a woman from the crowd yells, "Do you know which one that is?" Griffin acknowledges it as a sick burn.
• Clint's continued mentions of things being 'sold in the lobby after the show', despite nothing being sold after the show at all. The boys grow increasingly exasperated.
• Early on, Clint pretends that he's going to cast Zone Of Truth, then stops, saying he'll cast it at an even more inappropriate moment. Near the end, when most of the party is below half health and an attack has knocked Taako's HP to One, he casts it, and the crowd promptly loses their minds. The best part? It ends up saving the day!
  Clint: I SAVE THE DAY!!!

MaxFunCon East Live

• Everything about Brad "the Motivator" Bradson, the dweeby orcish Human Resources manager for the Bureau whose bardic specialty is cheesy inspirational quotes.
  • When listing his fun hobbies, Brad says he brews his own beer at home. End of list.
  • Merle attacks the dragon with a spiritual version of Brad's coffee mug, which reads "Soar: to climb to new heights and achieve great things."
• The Totem of Constructive Criticism. Travis and Justin are both horrified when they realize that they can't choose who they have to give constructive criticism to. Magnus politely requests that Taako be more careful with spells that could hurt Magnus because "our cleric sucks", Merle tells Magnus that he'd worry a lot less if Magnus didn't rush in "like a giant horse's ass", but Taako's takes the cake:
  Travis: I just want to remind you that this is our daddy.
  Griffin: Justin? It's our daddy though.
  Justin/Taako: Your spells... CAN... be used... to heal wounds. So maybe... give 'er a shot!
• Everything about the boys swapping bodies is pretty great, but particularly of note is Travis saying that Magnus in Taako's body instinctively reaches for a gemstone instead of catching his friend, in spite of Magnus's own desires/better judgement.
• Finally, after 50+ episodes of adventuring and story, the boys have finally gone into a Dungeon and encountered a Dragon... the dungeon being a shitty kiddie play place and the dragon being a dude in a suit throwing puff balls. Art dropping them into the real dungeon and forcing them to fight a real skeletal dragon turns it into a Crowning Moment of Awesome.

Live in Austin!

• When they all wake up as teenagers in a high school dormitory, Magnus doesn't immediately find anything weird.
• They meet Angus, who is a teenager like them. Here, he's as muscular as Magnus, nearly as tall, and has calm, low voice.
  Angus: I drink protein shakes every day, it's why I am the way I am, and I hate the way they taste.
• The Totally Radical teen, Brody, who's never anywhere without his skateboard. He turns out to be the avatar of the mind flayer who captured them and put them in this dreamscape.
• They find Marvey and the Hammerheads smoking in the bathroom. When Marvey tries to say something to them, Magnus immediately punches him in the face for 15 damage, knocking him out cold.
• Magnus' oral report for Music Appreciation class is about "One Week" by Barenaked Ladies.
  • Travis and Justin singing "One Week" from memory in unison is a sound to behold.
• Merle once again sweet-talks a plant in his Botany class. This causes Travis and Justin to leave the room. At a live show.
• When Taako dunks a basketball into the hoop at the center of Brody's final form, they're released from the DreamLand they were trapped in. They all wake up in a chamber in The Underdark, where their captor, a mind flayer, proclaims "If you get dunked on in the dream, you get dunked on in real life!", and dies on the spot.

Live in San Diego!

• The episode starts In Medias Res, with Tres Horny Boys inside a simulation of The Tomb of Horrors, Lucas' voice talking from nowhere, and various members of the Bureau typing into a Twitch-style audience chat. When Justin asks Griffin to explain, Griffin insists he ask in-character, leading to:
  Taako: Hey, Lucas, remind me again why we're here?
  Lucas: Wait, you don't remember?
  Justin: Fuck off.
• This exchange, in the third room and after multiple traps:
  Taako: (hesitant to approach the new trap) "I did cool things for the last one."
  Magnus: "I lost my arm in the last one!"
  Taako: "That's fair."
  Both: "Merle?"
• At one point the simulation glitches, and they're transported to a fishing game called "Big Bass Challenge". Things immediately go off the rails when Magnus punches Rascal the fisherman off the boat they're on into the water, where he then gets eaten by a giant bass.
  Rascal: TIME FOR RASCAL TO FLY TO JESUS!
  • Things spiral out of control even further when Taako levitates part of the lake to create a column of water with fish swimming inside, including the giant bass. Magnus jumps in and tries to cut the bass open to save Rascal, but gets Swallowed Whole.
  Griffin: IT'S NOT ONE OF THOSE THINGS!
  • The sequence culminates with Merle attempting to banish the bass (with Magnus still inside) to another plane of existence. The simulation doesn't know how to handle it, breaks down, and spits them out back into the Tomb of Horrors.
  Griffin: I didn't expect it to go like that...
  Travis: What did you expect to happen?
  Griffin: You to CATCH A FUCKING FISH IN THE FISH MINIGAME! Am I out of my mind, is that an unreasonable expectation!?
• The glorious return of fan favorite character Hodge-Podge as the demi-lich behind Lucas' simulation being hijacked.

Live in Nashville!

• As part of this adventure, Tres Horny Boys got all dressed up for the occasion, in typical fashion.
  Griffin: The three of you are all dressed to the nines, what are you wearing for this stylish casino atmosphere?
  Magnus: Sleeveless tuxedo.
  Merle: Tuxedo sleeves!
  Magnus: We only had the money for the one!
  • Taako had to choose between formal, business casual, and Taako. He chose Taako.
• When Lup joins the gang at their table, Taako pretends he doesn't know her to avoid blowing their cover, despite the fact that she's his identical twin.
• Lup recruits Taako, Magnus, and Merle to help her pull off a casino heist... so she can finally get that $15 back from Greg Grimaldis.
  • While she explains the plan to them, Magnus makes this brilliant observation:
    Magnus: Oh shit, a stealth mission, huh?
    Lup: Yes, most heists are.
  • Barry, who is otherwise not involved in the episode in any way, serves them all hot chocolate, apparently unbothered by the fact that his family is planning a risky interdimensional casino robbery.
• During the planning stage, Lup impresses upon the boys how important it is that they only take the $15 from the casino's vault and nothing else. Gilligan Cut to her in the casino's vault announcing that she's going to steal everything.
• The audience cheers at basically any mention of Lup, prompting Travis to sarcastically ask if the fans all like Lup. They cheer even louder, so Clint asks if they like Lup more than Tres Horny Boys, to which several audience members and Griffin respond with an enthusiastic yes.
• Magnus gets hit for a whopping 77 points of damage but is able to use Parry to decrease the damage by 8. There's a Beat while everyone does the math in their heads, and then the audience and players all promptly lose their minds.^note 77 minus 8 is 69, which is the sex number.
• Everyone's reaction to "I cast INSECT SWARM!" and how Clint justifies this as a spell to use on a heist.

Candlenights in Tacoma!

• Everything about the The Santa Clause-inspired conceit for the episode:
  • Taako's reason for turning down the role of Santa:
    Magnus: Taako, do you want to be Santa?
    Taako: I'm not a bear.
  • Magnus and Taako try to spare their dignity by making Merle be Santa, only for them to end up in infinitely sillier Santa's Helper costumes as a result.
  • Garyl puts in an appearance as well, and immediately Merle's Santa magic turns him into a reindeer. Garyl is very confused.
• The episode's plot lends itself to a lot of Die Hard and The Mighty Ducks jokes, which results in Justin and Travis getting so badly sidetracked that Griffin introduces a fun new mechanic:
  Griffin: A black fog spreads throughout the ice rink, and it's a curse, and the curse is this: the next time you all get off-topic while playing Dungeons and Dragons, your character will befall a terrible fate. I'm not joking.
• Merle tries to give Angus McDonald to a lonely ogre child as a Candlenights gift.

Live in Dallas!

• The Running Gag involving various Battle Wagon racers somehow managing to survive through increasingly lethal injuries, such as being burned alive, decapitated, and ground up through a propellor, due to their safety harnesses.
• "PEE-FLAVORED VAPE?! GO TO JAIL!!"
• Merle sending a battlewagon to the astral plane, interrupting a very serious meeting between Kravitz, Lup, Barry, and the Raven Queen as a result.
• The fact that Sloane and Hurley built a ramp into their battlewagon racecourse for no apparent reason.

Live in San Francisco!

• Justin saying that the reason they stopped designating an archivist (an audience member to check them on rules during live shows) was because "after this one show in LA, our archivist was tragically wedgied to death."
• The overuse of "ahoy".
  Justin: You know, pirates have 37 words for "ahoy".
  Travis: But no word for money.
  Justin: Think about it.
• Travis constantly derailing Griffin's intro despite having told Clint and Justin before the show that they needed to let Griffin get through the intro quickly.
• Davenport repeatedly anticipating Taako's reactions:
  • "Fortunately, I've found a way to take care of the situation. No, Taako, it doesn't involve killing all of them in a huge and fiery explosion."
  • "So first off—and someone please be ready to catch Taako as he faints—there's no sunken treasure."
• Davenport named his ship The Wavehumper.
• Magnus apparently treats his few hours at sea like a college student on a semester abroad, i.e. lots of bullshitting about how it helped him "find himself".
• Davenport asks Merle how he's doing, to which Merle replies that "the kids are a pain in the ass." The others remark that this seems kind of harsh until Clint says that that wasn't in a character voice, that was him talking about Justin, Travis, and Griffin.
  Travis: Happy Father's Day weekend!
  • And when Clint actually does forget his character voice:
    Justin: Who? Clint McElroy? On this boat? Amazing!
    Travis: No, Clint McElroy is a custodian on a completely different planet!
• "Maybe you're just in the middle of your Dick, and it'll take you a while to find your stride."
• Taako wakes Davenport in the middle of the night to say he thinks he has scurvy:
  Davenport: What are your symptoms?
  Taako: ...Bored?
• Davenport apologizes for lying to the boys by saying, "On the bright side, your buddy Davenport isn't wracked with debt!"
• Taako and Merle using about twenty different water-based spells and items, several of which conflict with each other, purely because they're so excited to finally have an excuse to use them.
• Everything about Kravitz, Lup, and Barry:
  • The fact that Kravitz still does a Cockney accent while at work.
  • Lup points out that there's no reason for the boys to have come fight the ghost ships themselves after alerting her and Barry and says they'll only get in the way. Davenport and Tres Horny Boys' excuses? "I forgot" and "We're bored" respectively.
  • "Babe, I told you I was having a boys' weekend!"
  • This whole exchange, which happens while Kravitz is flying off to fight a fleet of ghost ships:
    Taako: Okay, who's feeding the cats?!
    Kravitz: (from the distance) Susan!
    Taako: I hate Susan, you know that!
    Kravitz: You don't have to like her for her to feed the cats!
    Taako: Okay! Don't binge season two of Queer Eye without me!
    Kravitz: Too late!
    Taako: NOOO!
  • "That's the best damn pirate I've ever seen."
• When the Kraken attacks the ship, one of the boys asks Griffin to confirm that the giant tentacled beast is, in fact, the Kraken. Griffin snidely responds that no, actually, it's just some random octopus, and then later...
  Justin: We've established that this is not the Kraken, correct? It's just some octopus?
  Griffin: I was being a jackass, it's the Kraken!
  • Griffin then gets hoisted by his own petard when Merle casts Control Water:
    Griffin: What does Control Water do?
    Clint: It makes spaghetti, what do you think Control Water does?!
• Clint has some... unusual ideas about animals.

  Clint: I mean, a four legged octopus is a horse.

  Travis: No one's ever looked at a horse and said "that's like half an a octopus"!

• Davenport exclaiming over how utterly broken the Flaming Poisoning Raging Sword of Doom is.
  It seems like God shouldn't allow something like this to exist!
• The fact that the Kraken is defeated by being made to do the Electric Slide, crushed at the bottom of a whirlpool, and then turned into Taako's pet.
• The final line of the episode, which seems to have been the entire reason Griffin made this a pirate-themed campaign:
  Barry: (watching Tres Horny Boys fly to the rescue riding the tamed Kraken) What the hell is that?!
  Kravitz: That's the best damn pirate I've ever seen.

Live in Atlanta!

• "That's right, your old pal Garfield's born-again!"
• Justin's Chuck Tingle impression. Made even funnier by the fact that if you listen to Chuck Tingle's podcast, you know that the two of them already sound almost identical and both of them are aware of it—Justin even guested on an episode because of their vocal similarity.
• The entire sequence with Cinder, the living fireball.
  • Cinder is constantly shrinking without a fuel source, so Griffin's voice for him starts off very high-pitched. Then after Magnus feeds him some tinder, Cinder beefs up and Griffin busts out his strong voice.
  • Cinder attempts to trade some information for more tinder, to which Taako replies "Or we could stand here and watch you die!" Cinder coughs up the information pretty readily after that.
  • Cinder starts to shrink again, so Magnus tosses him some wood chips.
  Cinder: MMM, YUMMA YUMMA!
  Travis: Not that many.
  Cinder: Mmm, yumma yumma!
  • Cinder wants more wood chips for information, so Magnus tosses him some more.
  Cinder: Ohhhh yeeeeaaaah!!
  Travis: More than that.
  Cinder: OHHHHH YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAH!
  • Then, finally, in exchange for the aforementioned wood chips, Cinder tells the group what he knows about King Scald: "No known weaknesses!" Magnus throws water on him.
  Cinder: AAAH!
  Travis: Less than that.
  Cinder: Aaaah.
• Merle fails a saving throw to get out of the way of a huge attack, and Travis comments, "So we didn't even lose anybody important!" Making it even funnier, this is immediately followed by Garfield the Deals Warlock, one of the podcast's most beloved NPCs, fucking dying. Sure, he ends up getting better, but still.
• Griffin mentions a massive metal gauntlet and an audience member cries, "Thanos!"
• Lucretia being just so done at the sight of Merle, Magnus, and Taako causing an interplanar portal to open up at the celebration of the completed rebuilding of Neverwinter.
  You have got to be fucking kidding me!

Live - Halloween Special!

• Travis genuinely forgetting that Merle is able to do magic.
• "Are you saying there can't be two vampires named Dracula? That's like saying there can't be two bus drivers named Keith!"
• After Magnus and Taako have both been hit after stepping onto the dance floor, Merle tries a different solution:
  Clint: I cartwheel out onto the dance floor!
  Griffin: You guys are so good at adventuring it blows my fuckin' mind.
• Everything about the kitchenware coming alive and performing an elaborate musical number:
  • After describing the incredible performance, Griffin comments, "It's a pretty remarkable display, and one that you feel pretty certain is not gonna help you at all at finding the orb hidden somewhere in this room."
  • Merle drinking a potion with what Griffin describes as "the worst foley I've heard in my fucking life."
  • Magnus is inexplicably attacked by Chip and Mrs. Potts, who even more inexplicably manage to deal 19 damage.
• "Hey, I'm Frankenstein. A lot of people will say I'm Frankenstein's Monster, but they're pedants and kind of jerks."
• Dracula quoting the memetic "What is a man?" speech from Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, then apologizing because he "has to do that every time".
• Not once do Tres Horny Boys question the odd potions they're drinking that grant them special abilities. This bites them in the ass when they turn out to be granting them vampire abilities and Magnus winds up getting subverted to Dracula's side.
• Near the end of the special, the floor is collapsing out from under Tres Horny Boys as the castle falls apart. Magnus and Taako pass their checks to avoid falling, but Merle does not. The other two start to make an attempt to save him, but Clint reminds everyone that he'll be fine, as he still has the Vroom Broom in his possession - except, he doesn't quite remember that it's called the Vroom Broom. So what does he call it, instead? The Womb Broom.^note For those not in the know, womb broom is a (particularly crude) slang for penis
• The mere fact that the end of the special is Tres Horny Boys recruiting a de-powered Dracula into the Bureau of Benevolence.

Live Candlenights 2018 Spectacular

• The episode starts of at the Bureau of Benevolence's Candlenights party and confirming that yes, the boys recruiting a de-powered Dracula as the head of HR is absolutely canon.
• When the crowd is storming the Fantasy Costco in an attempt to claim the highly-desired Turbo Jeff action figure, Garfield acknowledges that the only fair thing to do would be to hold a raffle to see who gets the limited stock...but he's always in need of blood and other bodily components for his dark arts, so he just decides to open up the store to the mob and get a battle royale going.
• The entire Home Alone Shout-Out is pretty hysterical, but special mention goes to the part where Magnus falls for the exact same slippery stairs trap multiple times in a row.

Live in New Orleans!

• The fact that the apocalypse is caused by the gods getting absolutely hammered at a giant party, and being too hungover to do anything.
• Taako breaks the news of what happened to Reggie.
  Taako: You partied... too hard.
  (Beat)
  Reggie: The fuck did you just say to me?!
• The return of Edward and Lydia is a bit undercut by the fact that Magnus doesn't recognize them at all.
  • After seeing how much it bothers them not to be remembered, the boys start guessing that Edward and Lydia are a huge variety of other unrelated entities they've faced, from non-sentient monsters (the purple worm from The Eleventh Hour), to non-villains (Garfield the Deals Warlock...well, kind of), to inanimate objects (the train from Murder on the Rockport Limited).
• Edward admits that Wonderland was a bit mean and unnecessary... right after the twins reveal their plan to commit planetary genocide, which would lead to the death of the gods, allowing them to become the new gods.]]
• Taako lands the finishing blow on Edward and Lydia with a Circle of Death.
  Clint: That's a Level 9 spell.
  Justin: It's Level 6, Mac, good try.
  • Before casting the spell, Taako gleefully announces that he's absolutely going to rub the fact that he killed Edward and she didn't in Lup's face.
    Edward: We'll see about that! We practically invented necroti- (he explodes)
  • Magnus catches Edward's iPod. It has nothing but U2 on it.
  • Lydia looks over, sees Edward has exploded into smoke, and says:
    Lydia: Looks like Team Wonderland is blasting off agaaaaain!!

Live in San Jose!

• The meetings with the various future versions of different characters.
  • Future!Carey has robot arms, leaving Magnus wracked with indecision between being happy to see her and ripping her arms off.
• Griffin openly says that he removed a puzzle from the story because of how much time they'd already taken up and plans to reuse it in a future live show.
• The fight against the Robo Tres Horny Boys is full of good moments.
  • Griffin's utter confusion and horror about the group's willingness to mercilessly kill their own alternate selves, as well as their utter refusal to be guilt tripped about it.
  • Robo!Merle tries to cast firestorm, only to cast purify food and water instead.
  • Taako plans to start a buddy cop spin-off with Robo!Taako, but makes it clear he has no intention to spare anyone else... including Merle and Magnus.
  • "Hey Magnus, I'm gonna give you your lifelong dream! I'm gonna let you rip your own arms off!"
  • Taako uses modify memory on Robo!Merle to make them think that Taako is their "pop-pop."
  • "It's not that weird. Travis tore his own arms off, Dad turned me into a cat, and I turned Dad into my son!"

Graphic Novels

Here There Be Gerblins

• The party need some of Merle's blood to activate Bogard's map, which Merle is understandably reluctant to provide - until Barry Bluejeans starts goading him. He then stabs himself in the hand, with predictable results.
  Merle: As a cleric, I know every inch of my anatomy. The body is a very familiar road map to me.
  Taako: I think you got a vein.
  Magnus: That is... quite a gusher.
  Merle: Well... yay.
• The boys bathe in a magical spring of healing, and Magnus wonders why they can't take the water with them. Taako explains that it's not the water that's magical, but the stone around it... so Magnus grabs a bit of rock and eats it.
  Griffin: ...You know that didn't work, right? I don't need to tell you that didn't work.

Murder on the Rockport Limited

• Taako being too stupid to work the Fantasy Gachapon is instead reimagined as him acting deliberately and hilariously obtuse, until poor Leon is reduced to trembling in the fetal position in exasperation.
• When the boys come across Jenknis' corpse, the textbox proficiencies describing it is an outright nod to Monty Python:

  "Kicked the bucket","Shuffled off this mortal coil","Run down the curtain","Joined the bleedin' choir invisible".

Other

The Zone of Adventure: Imbalance

• Within minutes of beginning her first session as DM, Aabria achieves what Griffin never could and destroys The Flaming Poisoning Raging Sword of Doom—which, according to one of the live shows, is a person.
• Davenport's absurd mech suit, which is apparently made entirely out of steel drums and takes four people several hours to remove.
• Lucretia apparently can't be bothered to help any of the characters who reach out to her asking for her insight into the bizarre magical anomalies they're experiencing, but when Merle asks for her thoughts on Ted Lasso, she instantly writes back with a very long and detailed message.
• Aabria's explanation for why Barry and Lup weren't in the first episode: they're "too busy fuckin' ".
• In episode 2, it's revealed that the reason Taako no longer does magic is not for any deep emotional reason, but because he made a bet with Kravtiz that he could go a whole year without using magic and refuses to back down even in the face of potentially universe-ending danger.
  • Everyone else initially reacts to this with skepticism and says that Taako will definitely end up doing magic by the end of the story. Taako proceeds to prove himself incredibly skilled with crossbows due to his high dexterity stat to the point of one-shotting several enemies behind his back. He even takes time out of the battle to go dress up like a ranger and make Susan take a picture of him.
• When asked about the layout of a horde of Mooks, Aabria says that there are "nine in the back and one in the front," to which Justin responds, "As they say!" Everyone immediately begins laughing hysterically, and the video cuts to some time later after they've all finally calmed down. The Stinger at the end of the episode shows some of the cut footage with Griffin telling Clint to leave the call so the rest of them can really get into the mechanics of what they have dubbed "the super shocker".
• Davenport gently hugging a Mook with 2 HP left... and then punching him with such an insanely high attack roll that Clint jokes it also killed the mook's twin brother 10 miles away.

Other

• The intro to the, sadly difficult to find, LA Podfest live show is jam packed with hilarity.
  • Magnus' reasons for rushing in to danger are listed as "To help someone in need", "Thinks there might be something cool over there", "Sees a Bird", "Needs footage for stunt reel", and "It's Tuesday".
  • The Announcer makes his opinion that time Merle basically had sex with a bunch of vines very clear.
    Announcer: His spiritual power allows him to talk to plants, which one time he used to have sexual intercourse with some vines. I was there, and it was very upsetting.
    • For bonus funny, the facts that show up when the Announcer mentions he was there includes the line "It has cast a dark shadow on the rest of my days on this Earth."
  • When Taako's turn comes around an enormous lampshade is hung on the fact that his original stated goal, inventing tacos, has been so Out of Focus it might as well be an Aborted Arc.
    Announcer: We haven't really circled back on that subplot for... a really long time.
• The tagline in the arc's official trailer: "When the going gets tough, it's their own damn fault."
  • Taako is often depicted with a ridiculous wizard hat, courtesy of the Max Fun Con East Live show confirming he has one that's two feet high. The version seen in the official trailer is no different, only his is the result of a spell. Maintaining a hat of pure light that requires concentration to keep intact is absolutely a Taako move.