Funny / Atop the Fourth Wall 2021 Episodes 631 - 655

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631: Star Trek Book and Record Set: Dinosaur Planet

• When the Enterprise arrives at the Dinosaur Planet.
  Caption: The Sight seen by the Crew on their view screen is a wonderous one.
  Linkara: At least, it will be once we can skip past the Twenty Minute "Ad" beforehand! Who even does that!?
• We learn why Doctor McCoy owes Spock ten bucks, in the Prime Universe.
  • Spock also accurately guesses, in another universe, the bet was in reference to time travel.
• "This planet is nearly an exact replica of Earth during its prehistoric Cretaceous Period."
  Linkara: [as Spock] Why, just over there is a group of morons in a time machine with God trying to find Jurassic Park.
• The narrator keeps describing the Red Shirt security man as "hearty" and "muscular".
  Linkara: Man, the narrator is thirsty for some security men.
• When Linkara learns that one of the Security Officers is called "Wodsworth".
  Linkara: Which sounds less like a "Tough, Muscular, Security Man", and more like the Enterprise's butler... though, given the usual depictions of butlers in fiction, we can probably assume he has, like, a secret past as an MI5 Agent... Or, that he's Tim Curry.
• Linkara’s voice for Wodsworth gradually turning into the one for Superboy-Prime throughout the review.
• During the post-credits scene. The comic does have the "To Boldly Go" speech, but shows this by having Kirk literally saying it In-Universe, rather than show it as a caption or voiceover.
  Kirk: Its Mission: To explore strange new worlds...
  Linkara [as Spock] Jim, why are you telling me this? I've been your First Officer for over a decade, now! I think I know what our mission is!

632: DC Challenge! #2

• The story begins with the creative team of this issue, writer Len Wein and artist Chuck Patton, recapping the last issue's plot and wondering how they're going to move forward:
  Len Wein: Okay, Chuck— We've been over this thing about fifty times now... Any questions?
  Linkara: [as Chuck Patton] Yes, dammit! I still don't understand why I can't use the can opener horizontally!
  Linkara: [as Len Wein] Because it's dangerous, Chuck!
  Linkara: [as Chuck Patton] Not if you do it right!
• Linkara comments how Batman and the assailant are able to have an entire conversation... despite the fact that Batman has less than seven seconds before an explosion! Linkara demonstrates how fast they would need to be speaking, in order to fit all their dialogue in that time.
• As Batman disarms the bomb, Alfred investigates the resulting blackout at the manor and remarks that Bruce's video recorder is shut off. Linkara questions how important said recorder is to Batman's crimefighting:
  Linkara: [as Batman] Alfred! I've tied all the Batcomputer's electrical wiring into the Betamax player to keep it running!
  Linkara: [as Alfred] Why?
  Linkara: [as Batman] It's essential for all my crimefighting operations to keep it running!
  Linkara: [as Alfred] ...You've figured out a way to use the Batcomputer to unfilter scrambled porn, haven't you?
  Linkara: [as Batman] WHAT?! N-N-No! No, no! [uncomfortably long pause] Maybe.
  • After he points out that clearly it must still be getting some power signal, since it's displaying the time, Linkara proposes that Alfred would just pretend it broke anyway:
    Linkara: [as Alfred, disgruntled and clearly hitting the machine] Oh dear, Master Wayne's video recorder has broken. I guess I'll have to get rid of it and he won't insist on watching Home Alone for the ninetieth time this week. Such a shame.
• Batman looks for the man responsible for planting said bomb, but discovers he vanished without a trace:
  Batman: This case just keeps getting weirder!
  Linkara: [as Batman] One-Face's calling card...
• In 1876 Flagstaff, Jonah Hex guns down some robbers and looks at a strange rock they stole:
  Jonah Hex: This chunk'a rock they wuz stealin'— Alluvasudden, it's glowin!
  Linkara: [as Hex] Now it's radioactivated! That ain't a daisy!
  Hex: An' it's got some kind'a writin carved all over it— lahk one'a them museum pieces—!
  Linkara: [as Hex] "Made in Tarnation"...
  • After Hex decides to hold onto the rock for safekeeping, he discovers to his shock that it transported him through time to the then-present day:
    Caption: Welcome to 1985, Mister Hex. Welcome to your nightmare!
    Linkara: [as Hex] Oh, my God! Porky's Revenge! just got released!
• While B'wana Beast and Congo Bill are being interviewed at the San Diego Zoo, a giant manticore emerges from the ground:
  Manticore: They have called— and I have answered!!
  Linkara: [as the manticore] I am here to fix your water heater!
  Manticore: After too many centuries beneath this cold, foul earth— the Manticore walks the world once more!!
  Linkara: [as the manticore] Unfortunately, I don't remember where I parked...
  Manticore: I am come— to fulfill my glorious destiny!!
  Linkara: [as the manticore] A new big and tall clothing line for those with scorpion tails!
• As Mongul checks on his machine, Superman burrows through the ground to deliver a punch.
  Linkara: You know, if I was going to ascribe Pokémon moves to Superman, "Dig" would not have been one of them.
  • After destroying the machine, Superman notices a strange symbol:
    Superman: [thinking] I know that symbol— —but the one to whom it belongs is dead!
    Linkara: [as Superman] Groucho Marx, why do you continue to taunt me?!
• Jonah Hex, wanting to get away from the lights and noise of 1985, sees a horse nearby and thinks to himself that it's his only chance:
  Linkara: [as Hex] Horse, quick! Where can I find some peace and quiet?!
• It is revealed that one of the two demon spirits from the previous issue is a djinn, who faces off against the manticore:
  Djinn: The outcome of our battle has been predestined, beast— —and there exists no power on this Earth that can change it!
  Linkara: [as the djinn] I mean, unless a different creative team suddenly came onto the book and altered the outcome, but what are the odds of that?
• Peter Lorre on the rock that transported Jonah Hex to the future:
  Lorre: Look at it, my friends— the stuff that dreams are made of!
  The Fourth Doctor: Oh, look! Rocks!

633: PATREON: The Mighty Heroes #1

• Linkara begins going over the team's roster: Strong Man, Diaper Man...
  Nelson Muntz: I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.
• "Due to public outcry... ...they're back!!"
  Linkara: ...Actually, there was a miscommunication; the outcry was for the Mighty Crusaders, Archie Comics' superhero group. [beat] Holy crap, we're going to get a Riverdale-esque dark reboot of them next, aren't we?
• The comic begins with Cuckoo Man directly addressing the reader:
  Cuckoo Man: Pssssst. You! Yes you— —the one who is trying not to get caught reading this book instead of buying it!
  Linkara: [as Cuckoo Man] Comic books are meant to be purchased and then shoved into a Mylar bag! No idiot reads these things!
  • Cuckoo Man continues:
    Cuckoo Man: How would you like to read— —"The Heretofore Never Before Revealed... Origin of the Mighty Heroes"?!
    Linkara: I don't know about the others, but I'm guessing, Diaper Man? [beat] Vietnam War vet.
    Cuckoo Man: "No thank you." Really? Why not? I mean— —you're here, aren't you?
    Linkara: Not every day that the reason you're hearing about a superhero origin is "Eh, I've got nothing better to do...".
• Cuckoo Man digs through a chest in his Cuckoo Cave for a particular item:
  Cuckoo Man: Let's see, let's see... Ropeman's crocheting? Diaperman's Diaper?
  Linkara: [obviously weirded out] Why do you have that...?
  • Eventually, he finds an old film reel and inserts it into a projector:
    Cuckoo Man: Now aren't you glad you stayed? Really? Well, Shhhhhh, anyway... ...I love this part.
    Linkara: Oh, God, it's going to be an old stag film that he and Rope Man made!
• When the civilian identities of Strong Man, Cuckoo Man, Rope Man, and Tornado Man first meet up, they spot a baby (the future Diaper Man) in a crib rolling down a hill and rush to save him:
  Linkara: Eh, don't worry, guys; the Power Rangers have got this covered. They're used to horrible civilians not helping out-of-control baby carriages.
• After the Mighty Heroes gain their powers and stop their first villains, Strong Man retrieves the meteor that fell on them:
  Malevolent Meteor: I come from a race of beings... ...that grant mighty powers to the bravest, strongest, most loyal, kind, and caring living beings on any particular planet.
  Linkara: [as Malevolent Meteor] And we do it by crushing them with our bodies! [beat] You know, I just realized there might be a flaw in our strategy.
  Malevolent Meteor: Apparently, this time I messed up. Do me a favor— Don't tell anyone.
  Linkara: How did you mess up? They all went and rescued a baby. Sure, maybe these guys aren't the absolute superest, bestest people in the world, but that line implies these guys are assholes.
• The second story begins with a visit by Astronut and his human friend, Oscar Mild:
  Linkara: Known, of course, for his several essays, poems, and stories, like The Growth of Truth-Telling, The Stick-Figure Drawing of Dorian Gray, and The Ballad of Watching Gaoranger.
• The Mighty Heroes arrive at a parade being held in their honor:
  Black Father: They saved me once!
  Black Kid: Me too!
  Man in Casts: Me too, and I'm almost fully recovered!
  Linkara: Hahahahaha! Collateral damage with horrible injuries that probably won't be covered under his insurance. Good times!
• Astronut sneezes on the Mighty Heroes' stage, destroying it and causing him to grow in size:
  Linkara: I don't know, guys; I don't think that "Godzilla vs. Astronut" is the right way to continue the MonsterVerse movies.
• When Oscar tells the Mighty Heroes about Astronut, they laugh in disbelief:
  Linkara: Okay, so maybe the meteor was correct, and these guys are just a bunch of assholes.
• At the beginning of the third story, the team poses for a photo in front of Mount Rushmore:
  Cuckoo Man: All right, everyone, say: "moldy dairy products."
  Linkara: Burger King chocolate shakes!
• The villain of this story, the Monumentor, reveals himself:
  Monumentor: And your days of posturing as the nation's mighty heroes are over! Our forefathers are the only heroes we need, you posthumous slime!
  Linkara: The natural conclusion to Alex Jones's career.
  • The four heads of Mount Rushmore, thanks to the Monumentor, come to life and surround the group while posing:
    Rope Man: Oh, no— Ninja stances. What's our defense against ding-fu-forefathers?
    Linkara: The only thing that can defend against giant-headed stone presidents... Ninja Style Dancing! [Ninja Style Dancer returns to bust a move] Truly patriotic...
• After being taken to the Grand Canyon, the heroes stop the Mount Rushmore heads by using the contents of two trucks to encase them in gelatin:
  Linkara: Huh. They really did fill up the Grand Canyon with it. I guess the old slogan was right...
  Dr. Peter Venkman: Oh, come on, there's always room for Jell-O!
• The beginning of the fourth and final story:
  Captions: It was a dark and stormy night. Sort of. Only it wasn't dark. Or very stormy. Or even at night.
  Linkara: I'll grant you a lack of "stormy", but I guess Mr. Burns set up a sun-blocking machine in Goodhaven, because this afternoon looks pretty dark and night-colored!
• Laura Blecker transforms into her superhero identity, Water Woman, via a lightning bolt, but said bolt strikes a car next to her:
  Water Woman: [thinking] Mental note: Don't transform next to things that can blow up!
  Linkara: Ah, don't blame yourself; it was a Pinto.
  • She then arrives to save the Mighty Heroes, who have fallen under Pandora's spell:
    Pandora: What?! A woman?!
    Linkara: [as Pandora] Oh no! Fallopian tubes!
• Pandora is ultimately caught, tied up in Rope Man's ropes:
  Pandora: Oooo, Ropeman— Are you stringing me along?
  Linkara: Pandora's into some kinky stuff, which really helps when your partner is... quite literally something used as binding.
• The post-credits stinger, again showing the Mount Rushmore heads encased in gelatin:
  Linkara: I feel like the solution here is more appropriate for Jell-O Man, honestly. Makes more sense than him going into space, at least...

634: PATREON: Justice League Episodes 1x01-3: "Secret Origins"

• After explaining that a Patreon asked him to review something that didn't suck, Linkara looks down at his outfit, which is a blue Superman jacket with a cape attached to it:
  Linkara: Why? Felt like it.
• Linkara notices that the flag seen in the opening expedition to Mars only has 30 stars on it (and 14 stripes), which means America in the DCAU must consist of only 30 states:
  Abe Simpson: I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah!
  • During said expedition, one astronaut, J. Allen Carter, falls in a cave and discovers a wall full of strange writing:
    Linkara: It's going to be really disappointing when it turns out that this is just a huge mall map, and the writing there says "You Are Here".
• Two years later, Batman infiltrates a WayneTech space telescope, where he spies on a group of scientists:
  Blond Scientist: Barbecue at my place Saturday night. You're all invited. Venus is rising early, and you know what that means...
  Linkara: Ritual human sacrifice and orgy, here we come!
  • After the blond scientist leaves, the remaining scientists speak to each other in a strange language...
    Linkara: [as Batman] Ugh, damn nerds. I haven't learned Klingon yet!
    • ...effortlessly lift a large machine, and rip open a wall...
      Linkara: This is what happens when you don't take care of black mold.
• Superman arrives to help Batman, but is knocked out, forcing Batman to carry him to safety as the "scientists" destroy the telescope:
  Linkara: [as Batman] Typical, other DC heroes needing me to carry them. [looks down at his Superman-themed suit] This is weird when I'm wearing this, too...
  • After Batman explains his investigation, Superman gives him a signal watch:
    Linkara: [as Batman] Yes, I never know when I might need someone to collapse and force me to save them...
• Linkara reveals that the news anchor reporting on Superman disarming nuclear weapons is none other than Snapper Carr, from the team's origin book:
  Linkara: No doubt this League's most powerful member, only brought in when Darkseid threatens the Earth, lest his finger-snapping doom us all.
• After being beaten by an alien dog, Batman is forced to activate his signal watch, leading Superman to rescue him:
  Linkara: [as Batman, mumbling] Uuurrrgggh... Always gotta save you, Clark...
  Linkara: [as Superman] Yes, yes, Bruce; just sit back, rest, and think of Martha.
  Linkara: [as Batman, mumbling] Why did you say that name...?
  Linkara: [as Superman] There, there, it's okay...
  Linkara: [as Batman, mumbling] I'm not wearing hockey pads!
• Batman and Superman go to a government facility, where they locate and free J'onn J'onzz, the Martian Manhunter. Batman states he is suspicious of J'onn's motives:
  J'onn J'onzz: Perhaps this will help. [shapeshifts into a more humanoid appearance, complete with a long blue cape]
  Linkara: [as J'onn] I mean, how can you not trust a guy with a cape, am I right?
• In the beginning of the second episode, Diana steals the Wonder Woman costume from near a statue of Athena:
  Linkara: I was going to question why they just... have that outfit if they don't have the backstory to its appearance. [beat] Buuut, if it's with Athena, she does have a history of impractical, skimpy outfits.
• During a battle with the alien invaders (the DCAU's version of White Martians), Batman sees Superman and J'onn get knocked out:
  Linkara: [as Batman] Seriously, I was kidding before, but it really feels like you guys can't do anything without me! Did making my cowl's ears longer give me some superpowers here?
• J'onn explains to the assembled heroes that 1,000 years ago, the alien invaders came to Mars and assimilated the Martians' shapeshifting powers:
  Linkara: And this is what happens when Santa Claus abandons the Martians and lets Dropo take over.
  • After J'onn finishes his story, Flash remarks how the astronauts never reported any life on Mars:
    Green Lantern (John Stewart): Hmm. Some pencil-pusher in Washington probably decided it should be classified information.
    Linkara: [begins playing his "I'm the government" clip, but cuts away from it] Wait, wait, wait, wait! I'm not actually going to use that here. Let's be real; it's more likely they just shape-shifted into the astronauts in order to further their invasion plans, and the government wasn't aware of it. I mean, otherwise, that suggests that the invaders just looked at the astronauts and said, "Oh yeah, you guys are free to go! Say hi to the President for us when you get back!"
• In Cairo, Wonder Woman uses her Lasso of Truth to topple an alien tripod:
  Batman: Not bad.
  Linkara: [as Batman] I mean, I would've had, like, some kind of... Bat Anti-Martian Spray, but I'm flexible at this point. [beat] Alfred, where'd you put the Bat Anti-Martian Spray?
  Linkara: [as Alfred, through a headset] Fourth from the left, Master Bruce.
  Linkara: [as Batman] Thanks, Alfred. I am the night.
  • After J'onn, Batman, and Wonder Woman disable the smoke generator, Batman finds himself cut off from the others, and is seemingly shot and killed:
    Linkara: Aw man, I can't wait to hear later about how exactly he got out of this one! I'm sure it's a really fascinating story and explanation!
• The invaders' leader, the Imperium, arrives on Earth, causing windows to shatter and a cola billboard to fall:
  Linkara: Damn product placement; now I'm thirsty for Cola Cola.
• After the heroes are captured, the Imperium reintroduces itself to J'onn:
  Imperium: J'onn J'onzz. It's been a long time.
  Linkara: [as the Imperium] Remember that time I killed your entire race? [chuckles] Good times...
  • Batman returns to rescue the heroes, attaching a device to the generator's core that turns it blue:
    "Carter": What have you done?!
    Batman: Reversed the ion charge.
    Data: Using multimodal reflection sorting...
• With the invasion thwarted, Batman decides to fund construction for an orbital watchtower to prepare for any more otherworldly threats:
  Superman: Do your stockholders know about this, Bruce?
  Batman: A line item hidden in the aerospace R&D budget.
  Linkara: [as Batman] Although, for tax reasons, this is actually a golf course.
• After assembling the heroes in the newly-built Watchtower, Superman proposes that they form a team to fight the threats a single hero can't handle alone:
  Flash: What, like a bunch of "Superfriends"?
  Linkara: [as Superman] More like a "Legendary Super Powers Team of Galactic Guardians". It's a real challenge, but we'll be the all-new best of the world's greatest this hour.
  • Superman suggests a better-sounding name:
    Superman: More like a... "Justice League".
    Linkara: [as Superman] Because if we can't protect the Earth, you can be damn well sure we'll Justice League it.
    • Batman, true to form, is the lone holdout:
      Batman: I'm not really a people person.
      Linkara: [as Batman] I'm just going to go back to Alfred, Robin, Nightwing, Batgirl, Commissioner Gordon, Static, Leslie Thompkins, Lucius Fox, and probably half a dozen other crime-fighters.

Episode DCXXXV: The Star Wars #6

• Linkara discusses the issue's cover, which sees Annikin in space, dodging shots from hunter-destroyers (which Linkara refers to as TIE Fighters), WITH NO SPACE SUIT ON:
  Linkara: Oh, sure, people make fun of Leia flying through space with the Force, but here's Annikin Starkiller not only flying through space, but evading enemy ships, straight from how the original Star Wars intended things to go! This IS how the Force works!
• Annikin celebrates managing to shoot down a hunter-destroyer… but pulls off an incredibly weird face as he does so:
  Linkara: [while copying that exact pose] DO YOU LIKE WOMP RATS?!
• The hunter-destroyers blow a hole in the side of Han's ship, leaving Annikin in danger of being sucked out into space:
  Annikin: Can't breathe…
  Linkara: [as Annikin] I can… talk, though… Weird…
  • This prompts Luke to ask Artwo for help:
    Luke: Artwo, go help Starkiller!
    Linkara: [as Artwo] H-How?! I'm just a freakin' astromech dr— Wait a second… Do I have jets in this version of the story, too? Is that why they was in the prequels?!
• Luke suggests heading into an asteroid field to shake off the hunter-destroyers:
  Threepio: It's too dense to pass through— the ship won't make it!
  Linkara: [as Threepio] Sir, the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are approximately 3,720 to 1!
  Linkara: [as Luke] Oh, they are? Well, then we'd better avoid that, then. Thanks for telling me the odds.
• After Annikin's successful rescue, Artwo tries to comfort Leia by grabbing her hand with his claw:
  Artwo: Annikin almost suffocated. But ever since I saved him, he keeps repeating your name.
  Linkara: [as Artwo] It was something like, "Man, Leia made this look so easy!"
• After everyone boards and launches their escape pods, Leia and Whitsun discover the power to their pod was cut. Whitsun sacrifices himself to eject Leia's pod... by hitting the control panel with a stick:
  Linkara: This is why Whitsun was fired from his last I.T. job.
  • Luke then pays his last respects:
    Luke: Goodbye, Whitsun. May the force of others be with you.
    Linkara: Well, right now, he'd prefer that to the force of an exploding spaceship.
• Annikin makes another weird pose as he flicks away a large spider:
  Linkara: [while copying that exact pose] Do not underestimate my power!
  • Annikin's retort?
    Annikin: I'm not dead yet.
    Linkara: Well, duh! That spider was a chiropractor trying to fix your spine after the crash!
• Annikin and Artwo discover that Leia has been kidnapped thanks to some tracks left behind. They decide to follow the trail:
  Linkara: And, man, I've never really thought of this before, but Artwo really needed some kind of jet propulsion, since otherwise, trying to traverse any area of a pathless forest… probably is going to pose some difficulty for something that can only scoot when it isn't rolling.
  • They eventually spot something up ahead, and Annikin tells Artwo to stay behind:
    Annikin: If I don't return by zero two hundred, find General Skywalker and come looking for me.
    Linkara: [as Artwo] Sounds good. [beat] Remind me what time it is, again? I mean, we're on a completely different planet.
• Meanwhile, Luke, Han, and Threepio reach an encampment and speak with its owner:
  Owen Lars: Howdy, stranger. I'm Owen Lars of Bastine. What can I offer you?
  Linkara: [as Owen] Do you like blue milk? 'Cause I've got lots of blue milk!
• The proto-Wookiees are revealed, which might also have traits of Ewoks given their official greeting:
  Proto-Wookiee: WOOOGAAAHH!
  Linkara: Well, either that, or they all worship a warning siren.
• Back at the encampment, Owen tells the group about a nearby Imperial outpost:
  Luke: How far is the outpost from here and what class is it? How many support craft?
  Owen: Five leagues. The outpost is very small, a Class Two. Only a dozen Starraiders, I think.
  Linkara: [as Owen] It's a good thing I know all this, random strangers who just showed up and probably want to piss off the heavily-armed Imperials who will come and harass me and my wife afterwards. Ah, well; it'll probably be fine. What are they gonna do, burn us down to skeletons?
• The issue ends with Annikin being forced into a trial by combat, winning, and earning the proto-Wookiees' respect:
  Proto-Wookiees: MALLA GABBLAH, BU-HEY-BU!
  Linkara: Man, the original version of Life Day was weird.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Linkara: Man, I can't wait for the eventual prequel movie where we learn the origin behind this Han Solo first getting that ship… that was blown up in this story.

636: PATREON: The King of Braves GaoGaiGar Episodes 1-4

• Linkara begins the episode by introducing the audience to the many shows in the Brave series, such as Brave Express Might Gaine, Brave Fighter of Legend Da-Garn, and Brave Fist Champion of Sprites:
  Linkara: One of those, I just made up. Those of you who have never heard of this series before, try to guess which one it was! No looking it up. ^note For the record, it's the last one, you cheater.
• Linkara describes the two types of mecha anime: the ultra-serious and realistic "Real Robot" subgenre (think Mobile Suit Gundam or Neon Genesis Evangelion) and the ^note usually more lighthearted and action-packed "Super Robot" subgenre (think Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann or The Big O):
  Linkara: Me personally, back when I was into anime as a teenager, I tended to prefer the former - Universal Century Gundam stuff, in particular - though of course, I am waaay out of touch with it now. Nowadays, I'm more into mainstream stuff, like comic books! [beat] Oh, God, I've wasted my life…
• Linkara reveals that some designs from the first few Transformers shows were reused in this series (both properties are owned by Takara, who developed this anime with Sunrise):
  Linkara: Man, I can't wait for someone to pilot Soundwave by flying a giant cassette into him!
• This is a rare occasion where Linkara is reviewing the dub of an anime, made difficult by the fact that this particular dub is out of print, and only the first 25 out of 49 episodes were completed:
  Linkara: Admittedly, I'm not watching the full series, anyway. Sorry; I only have so much free time as it is, and I'm currently embroiled in a massive investigation into Chinese movies that rip off half a dozen Japanese ghost movies in the same vein as The Ring and The Grudge and have them all fight each other. Yes, beyond the official fight that those two franchises had. It's a rabbit hole!
• The first episode opens on a couple, Isamu and Ai Amami, wishing on a shooting star while driving in a massive snowstorm:
  Linkara: Oh, crap! This is where the aliens from the Justice League opener went after they failed to conquer Earth?!
  • Ai elaborates:
    Ai Amami: I'm making a wish on that shooting star, and asking it to send us a child of our very own someday.
    Linkara: She's going to give birth to a giant robot, isn't she?
• As if in response to Ai's wish, a robotic lion drops off a baby, leading Isamu and Ai to adopt him and name him Mamoru. The narrator points out the significance of this event:
  Narrator: Who could have known that he would one day hold the key to life or death for all of mankind?
  Linkara: I mean, I probably could've guessed that, since dropping off space babies with random humans is not the kind of thing done for kids who don't have that sort of thing in their future. [beat] Although, that would make for an interesting anime: just a slice-of-life kind of thing for someone who has absolutely nothing to do with the magical space destiny stuff happening all around them.
• In the year 2005, Mamoru's class is on a field trip to Garbage Island to learn about the planet's trash problem:
  Linkara: Well, I see that the Tandy Computer Whiz Kids' recycling efforts were a dismal failure.
  • Unfortunately for their teacher, she begins to attract a lot of flies:
    Teacher: All right! Try not to get hurt! You're on your own from here on out!
    Linkara: I see in our old future, teachers don't care about getting sued anymore if they let their kids play in a landfill. "Hey, Timmy, I see some used needles over there! Let's play with them in the moldy puddles!"
• After a giant robot is awakened on Garbage Island, we are introduced to Koutaro Taiga, leader of the military defense program Gutsy Geoid Guard:
  Linkara: Or, as they're colloquially known, "Gggggg".
• Sensing Mamoru in danger, the robot lion who delivered him, Galeon, strikes the door of his holding bay until GGG releases him:
  Linkara: Gonna be really awkward if it turns out it just needed to go to the bathroom…
• The Garbage Island robot attacks by using discarded microwaves as a makeshift laser beam:
  Linkara: Deadly, yes, but I do see there being a practical purpose for such a weapon. [shows the popcorn-popping laser experiment from Real Genius]
  • Galeon arrives to fight the robot, which uses an array of refrigerators to freeze him solid. Linkara has just the clip for this occasion:
    Mister Freeze: What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!
• Taiga designates the Garbage Island robot "EI-02":
  Linkara: Ah, so this is going to be a Monster of the Week sort of anime, where the designations eventually reach E-I-E-I-O.
• Guy Shishioh arrives and fuses with Galeon to form GaiGar, but struggles against EI-02. GGG debate whether or not to authorize "Final Fusion", which has a very small chance of success:
  Koutaro Taiga: Success rates are nothing but scientific theory. A brave heart will defy any odds!
  Dr. Linksano: Oh, is that so, then, hmm?! Well, why don't we just start chucking those children off the rooftops then, eh?! Sure, their chances of survival are low, but "a brave heart defies any odds", am I right?!
  • GGG eventually decide to approve the Final Fusion:
    Mikoto Utsugi: Program drive, ENGAGE! [slams her fist on a glass button, shattering it]
    Linkara: [as Mikoto] And now, I have broken my hand!
    • The newly-formed GaoGaiGar manages to defeat EI-02 and rip out its core. Before he can destroy it, though, Mamoru protests by LEAPING OFF THE ROOF OF THE BUILDING HE'S ON AND SPROUTING WINGS:
      Dr. Linksano: [after staring in shock] O-Okay, to be fair, my assertion was people chucking them off of the roof, not them leaping off of their own accord, so… I-I think I'm still in the clear, here.
• The second episode begins with a flashback to an alien ship colliding with Guy's space shuttle:
  Linkara: [as the alien] Uh… on your right!
  • The narrator explains how Guy was rescued:
    Narrator: And to ensure his survival, he was rebuilt by a team of experts...
    Linkara: [as the lead scientist] Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic anime character.
    Linkara: [as an offscreen scientist] What about Ghost in the Shell?
    Linkara: [as the lead scientist] Shut up!
• The name of the second episode is revealed to be "The Boy With Green Hair":
  Linkara: So, like… Season 0 Seto Kaiba? I mean, we already do have the dub voices for Yugi and Joey in this.
• The villain of the series, Pasder, summons the Machine World Four Heavenly Kings, who are all named after Italian food, to a meeting. Their names? Aside from Pasder himself (Pasta), there's Polonaise (Bolognese), Primada (Primavera), Penchinon (Pancetta), and... Pizza:
  Linkara: That's a tough nut to crack, but I'm going to guess that Pizza... is a reference to risotto.
• While his class discusses what happened on Garbage Island, Mamoru struggles to cope with his newfound powers. The anime then immediately cuts to an explanation of who the homeless man Mamoru rescued was:
  Linkara: It would be like if, in the middle of me talking about this, we just cut to—
  Dr. Linksano: And that is why, from the perspective of the Contest of Champions, no time has passed at all!
• Meanwhile, at a wrestling match...
  Announcer: And in the red corner, the reigning SMW champion, Death... BOMBEEER!
  Linkara: Wow... Who could possibly face off against a guy like that?!
  Bone Button: [growling] DEATH BOMBEEER! Never has a name been more appropriate, 'cuz Bone Button is here to ensure that you bomb tonight! And hey, say hi to Death for me! After all, I send him so many new clients! [more growling and flexing]
  • On the cusp of losing, Death Bomber forms a pact with Penchinon, transforming him into EI-03 and causing his opponent to flee the arena:
    Linkara: Ah, don't worry; he'll be back next week with the Money in the Bank contract.
• Guy fights EI-03, eventually needing to perform Final Fusion again:
  Mikoto: Program drive... ENGAGE! [again shatters the glass button]
  Linkara: Good God! Could they please just install a little hinged box that flips up so this poor woman doesn't keep picking glass shards out of her hand?!
  • Unusually, the narrator chimes in to explain how GaoGaiGar defeats EI-03:
    Narrator: Hell and Heaven. A combination of offensive and defensive energies that, when combined, become GaoGaiGar's—
    Linkara: That's a lot of words for "Our sound effects budget ran out on this one."
• The name of the third episode is revealed to be "The Holy Left Arm":
  Linkara: [as the narrator] The right arm, on the other hand, knows what it did, and we are very disappointed in it.
• After almost being forcibly brought in by GGG, Mamoru is delivered by Galeon to their headquarters:
  Swan White: [in a gratuitous Southern/Kansai accent] We want you to tell us all about your mysterious powers, so that we may better understand you! So I'll beg you, young sorcerer...
  Linkara: Clearly, this woman is from the Texan part of Japan.
• In preparation for the villains' latest scheme, Polonaise finds a young trainspotter riding a panda-themed moped:
  Youichi Yamanoguchi: Lucky train; you look so strong and powerful. Aw man...
  Linkara: [in a Ringo Starr impression, with the theme from Thomas & Friends playing in the background] Thomas was very confused about this poor man who seemed to be hitting on him... but he was kind of curious to see where this was going.
• Mikoto airs her grievances to Guy's father, concerned for his safety:
  Leo Shishioh: I know that Guy can fight without fear because he has you, Mikoto.
  Linkara: [as Leo] Anyone who can keep doing that to their hand without incurring any lasting damage has got to be tough enough for him!
• At the start of the fourth episode, the narrator explains GGG's latest tool, the Dividing Driver:
  Narrator: —that compresses and shifts a large area of land for a specified time by warping dimensional space.
  Linkara: I don't think this works the way you think it does! Compressing stuff like that will cause it to smash and break, not just shift around like you added a Photoshop effect! What the hell's going on for any people in those buildings, or the pipes under them?!
• Mamoru chases the creature formed from EI-04's core, a Zonder, into the sewers, where it stretches into a familiar-looking shape:
  Linkara: I don't know, guys; this new evolution for Grimer and Muk just doesn't feel different enough.
• The next day, Taiga's Space Development Corporation is preparing to launch a new shuttle:
  Linkara: Oh, good; if nothing crashes into this ship, maybe we can finally get the Fantastic Four.
• After the Zonder is purified, the episode ends with Mamoru proclaiming that his powers were given to him to protect the Earth from the Zonder menace:
  Guy Shishioh: Yeah... That must be it.
  Linkara: He's going to turn out to be a Zonder himself, isn't he?

637: Youngblood: Strikefile #2

• Linkara begins the review by looking at the issue's cover... which is somehow EVEN WORSE than the last one:
  Linkara: The cover is—OH, DEAR GOD!! Where the hell to start with this one?! Well, I guess I can give it one bit of praise: it's certainly eye-catching. And apparently face-catching, as well, since Chapel has seemingly RIPPED OFF A DUDE'S FACE!
  Grimm: Ooh, faced!
  Linkara: I think they might be an alien, given the red skin color and some kind of weird head bumps, but with the heavy inks, I can't tell if that's head bumps or just a weird presentation of the dude's hair. But yeah, thanks for the unnecessarily gruesome start to this, with face removal!
  Sean Archer as Castor Troy: —his face... off.
  • Linkara continues:
    Linkara: Oh, and then of course, there's his Hunchback of Notre Dame-style physique. Although, that would have been a veeery different story if Quasimodo had just bench-pressed Frollo from the start.
• Linkara recaps that Chapel, Al Simmons, and Duke were fighting a terrorist group called Cybernet:
  Linkara: Although, with that name, I would've guessed them to be a dating app for Cybermen.
  Cyber-Leader: There is... logic in what he says.
• The Chapel segment of the book proper begins with Chapel having sex with a random woman:
  Chapel's Thoughts: Sometimes, even I can't believe how lucky I am to be part of the whole Youngblood thing.
  Linkara: Turns out he got in thanks to a raffle.
  Chapel's Thoughts: For all the garbage we've gotta put up with, there's just as many times when all of it just seems like one big party.
  Linkara: Unfortunately, with Youngblood, it's more like the 4 AM after the party, where a bunch of assholes refuse to just go home so we can sleep already.
  Chapel's Thoughts: Wine... women... ...more women...
  Linkara: [whispering] Don't tell him it's actually all wine; he's just so drunk, he thinks that some of the curvier wine bottles are women.
• Some "Cybernet war dogs" break into Chapel's apartment, opening fire and killing the poor woman:
  Chapel's Thoughts: I might as well be moving in slow motion as I watch the girl get hit hard three times. Any questions either of us might have had about this being more than a one-night stand are rendered moot as she collapses in my arms.
  Linkara: [as Chapel] For the record... not really; she's actually an anti-vaxxer.
  Chapel's Thoughts: Needless to say, what happens next isn't pretty.
  Linkara: As opposed to what happened before this, which has just been a fricking beauty pageant.
• After repelling the attack, Chapel finds a strange mechanical head left behind, which talks to him:
  Mechanical Head: Greetings, old friend. As you may have guessed by now, the primary motivation behind this attack was to gain your attention.
  Linkara: You've got a lot of unearned confidence in Chapel's intelligence there, Giger.
  • The head tells him to meet the leader of Cybernet, Giger, at the docks tomorrow at 10 o'clock, at which point it self-destructs:
    Chapel's Thoughts: By the time 10 o'clock finally rolls around, I've done a lot of thinking.
    Linkara: [as Chapel] Unfortunately, that distracted me from remembering to put on a shirt.
• Chapel arrives at the docks, and Giger teleports in:
  Chapel's Thoughts: As always, he makes as spectacular an entrance as possible... ...and as always, I'm equally unimpressed.
  90's Dude: DUUUUUDE! Of course he's not impressed! If he was impressed, he'd have to show, like, awe and wonder and stuff, and that's STUPID! He needs to be badass and stoic all the time, being so stone-faced that even the slightest hint of emotion would make the whole thing crumble...
  • Giger explains that he was hired by Jason Wynn to kill Chapel, but he wants to double-cross Wynn by having Chapel kill him:
    Giger: I think it's a fairly simple deal... You kill Wynn, thereby saving me the trouble of doing so myself, and I let you live— for now.
    Linkara: Chapel's response is to shoot Giger's arm off.
    Giger: Hmmm. I can't say that was unexpected.
    Linkara: [as Giger] Still, gotta "hand" it to you, Chapel! [gunshot] ...And there goes the other arm. [beat] Yeah, I kinda walked into that one...
• The Diehard segment opens with Diehard attacking some goons:
  Diehard: DIEHARD PERSONAL LOG ENTRY. TIME: 1:55 A.M. PLACE: THE CYBERDATA CORP. PHILADELPHIA BRANCH.
  Linkara: [as Diehard] HAD TO TAKE A SECOND JOB AS A GAME DEV. DOING CRUNCH HOURS. EVEN I, A SUPERPOWERED CYBORG, RECOGNIZE THAT CRUNCH IS BAD AND OVERTAXING.
  Diehard: SITUATION: EXTREME.
  Linkara: Oh, I'm sorry; I'm sure he meant "Situation: EXTREEEEEME!" ^note She volunteered. She can't be saved./Mirrors are brightest when dark shapes are in front of them./The Architects are eternally patient./The victims of Loxley want justice. It's how you beat him.
  • Diehard continues:
    Diehard: MY PRIME OBJECTIVE HERE IS TO LOCATE AND RELEASE SUPER-PATRIOT.
    Linkara: [as Diehard] SECONDARY OBJECTIVE: FIND THE BREAK ROOM. IT WAS SOMEONE'S BIRTHDAY TODAY, AND THERE'S STILL CAKE THERE.
• Linkara explains that the robots Diehard is fighting are called "S.H.O.C. Troops":
  Diehard: THE ONLY S.H.O.C. I GET FROM THESE GUYS IS HOW PATHETIC THEY ARE. I MEAN, WITH ALL THE MONEY THIS PLACE MAKES YOU'D THINK THEY COULD SPEND A LITTLE MORE ON SECURITY.
  90's Dude DUUUUUDE! It's another great thing about Youngblood! They never show any kind of fear or concern about their opponents. Sure, some can say that that means these fights "lack tension", but who cares?! I just wanna see Diehard kicking robots, again! And again! And again! And again! And again! [beat] And again! And sometimes, Shaft does it, too! And again!
• Diehard runs into a brainwashed and mechanized Super-Patriot, who opens fire on him:
  Diehard: HE UNLOADS FIREPOWER EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF TEN TANKS. I'M REMINDED ONCE AGAIN TO THANK THE BOYS BACK AT THE LAB FOR THIS WONDERFUL SHIELD THEY PROVIDED ME WITH. THIS THING'S SAVED MY HIDE MORE TIMES THAN I CARE TO REMEMBER.
  Linkara: [as Diehard] IT'S MADE OF VIBRAN—ER, SH-SHAKIUM. SHAKIUM, YEAH, YEAH. THAT'S WHAT IT'S MADE OF. [beat] ORIGINAL METAL, DO NOT STEAL.
  Diehard: THE BARRAGE OF FIRE STOPS. PATRIOT NEEDS SOME DOWNTIME TO RELOAD.
  Linkara: How?! Where's he getting the bullets from?! He doesn't even have hands to put bullets in those things! Does he just scoop them out from a big bowl or something?!
  Diehard: I HIT HIM WITH EVERYTHING MY GENETICALLY ENGINEERED FRAME CAN MUSTER. MAN MACHINE VS. MACHINE MAN—MAY THE ONE WITH THE BEST BATTERIES WIN.
  Linkara: Ugh, I don't want to see Liefeld's version of the Energizer Bunny...
  • Diehard tries to talk Super-Patriot down, to no avail:
    Diehard: LOOKS TO ME LIKE THE ONLY MEMORIES HE HAS NOW ARE THE ONES CYBERDATA FEEDS HIM.
    Linkara: And unfortunately, it's just the time that Diehard told him that he had a stupid haircut, repeated over and over and over.
    Diehard: UH-OH. SUCKER'S BEEN RELOADIN' THIS WHOLE TIME.
    Linkara: How?! Are the bullets stored in his ass?!
• The post-credits stinger:
  Giger: What happened, Chapel? Did all the killing finally get to you?
  Linkara: [as Giger] What happened to you, Chapel? You used to be cool.
  Linkara: [as Chapel] I was never cool, and you know it!

638: PATREON: Pokémon: Black & White: Rival Destinies Episodes 1-2: "Enter Elesa, Electrifying Gym Leader!" & "Dazzling the Nimbasa Gym!"

• The first episode begins with Ash and company arriving at the Nimbasa City Gym:
  Ash: Finally, the Nimbasa City Gym! I can't wait to win a gym badge!
  Linkara: Ho-ho-hold on there, Ash! If this is anything like the games, first, you need to go have a creepy conversation with N on a Ferris wheel, where he reveals that he is the leader of Team Plasma. Who do you think you are, trying to skip a cutscene?
  • Cilan continues expositing:
    Cilan: So this is the Nimbasa Gym!
    Linkara: So this is really awkward establishing dialogue!
• Not long after the group arrives, Bianca runs at them, with her eyes closed, repeatedly yelling "Look out!":
  Linkara: [as Bianca] Look out! I forgot how to open my eyes and I'm flailing out of control like an idiot!
  • After knocking Ash into the fountain, Bianca explains herself:
    Bianca: You see, I came to Nimbasa City to have a Gym Battle!
    Linkara: [as Bianca] And I figured I'd tackle anyone who got in my way! So move it, shorty.
    • Ash expresses annoyance at Bianca trying to take on the Gym Leader before him:
      Bianca: For your information, I made an appointment.
      Linkara: A concept that Ash is then severely confused by later on when battles with Skyla were done by appointment. [beat] Man, my joke in that episode about having no long-term memory from their age resetting just keeps getting more and more evidence.
• Linkara explains that the Nimbasa City Gym Leader, Elesa, has a secondary career as a fashion model, leading him to reference the events of the last Pokémon episodes he reviewed:
  Linkara: Oh great, watch as she creates some kind of magnetic field that she can use to predict how a battle will go so she can focus more on her modeling career rather than her gym duties...
• Linkara shows a magazine with Elesa on the cover wearing a strange set of headphones:
  Linkara: Or maybe it's just the latest design from Beats by Dreadnaw.
• As Bianca prepares to battle Elesa, Bianca's father arrives to convince her to come home with him:
  Linkara: In this guy's defense, on his journey, Ash has almost drowned, almost frozen to death, almost been killed in a volcanic eruption, had guns aimed at him, turned to stone, been repeatedly electrocuted, got involved in a gang war, and MY GOD, THAT'S JUST THE INDIGO LEAGUE!! I haven't even mentioned how he met God and has time-traveled on multiple occasions!
• The battle begins as Elesa and Bianca pull out a Zebstrika and a Shelmet respectively:
  Ash: Who's that Pokémon?
  Linkara: Ooh! Jigglypuff seen from above!
  • After the Shelmet faints, Bianca swaps it out with a Minccino:
    Cilan: I wonder how Minccino will deal with Zebstrika's speed...
    Bianca: Now! Use Swift!
    Linkara: Not a bad strategy, actually; Swift is a move that can't miss, so it should be able to balance out Zebstrika's— [is immediately interrupted by a clip of Zebstrika dodging Minccino's Swift] Oh, right. We're in the anime, where we pick and choose arbitrarily which game mechanics we follow at any given point. Silly me, lest I forget last time, where a healing move can now block electric attacks.
• We reach the eyecatch of the first episode:
  Voices: Who's that Pokémon?
  Linkara: Well, I see you're late; Ash already asked and answered.
• While waiting at the Pokémon Center, Cilan makes lunch for the group, including Bianca's father:
  Bianca's Father: [after sipping tea] It's delicious!
  Linkara: [as Cilan] You're welcome! [whispering] The secret ingredient is laxatives!
  • Cilan lists off the ingredients in the dish he prepared:
    Cilan: And for an extra kick, I add a little mustard!
    Linkara: Also grape jelly, which is the central ingredient in these doughnuts! [shows a picture of rice balls]
• Ash begins his battle with Bianca's father, who reveals his trainer getup:
  Bianca's Father: You see, Ash, when I was a young man, I was called the "Red Meteor"!
  Linkara: So, Char Aznable survived his final battle with Amuro and then ended up in the Pokémon world?
  • Bianca's father wonders why Ash is willing to go this far to defend her:
    Bianca's Father: Ash, you're a total stranger. It shouldn't matter to you either way—
    Ash: Wrong! Bianca's my friend.
    Bianca's Father: Your friend?
    Linkara: [as Bianca's father] What is this "friend" you speak of? Is it something you force to stay at home?
    • Ash, Cilan, and Iris describe their experiences with Bianca:
      Cilan: Eating together from the same pot...
      Iris: Drinking from the same waterfall...
      Linkara: [as Iris] ...and then spitting it out again when we realized the Deerling have pooped at the top of the waterfall.
• Despite beating Ash, Bianca's father lets her continue her journey:
  Linkara: [as Bianca's father] Making our pets fight has proven to me that camping out at night with friends is more important than surviving potential brushes with creatures that have power over space and time!
  • This moment is ruined, though, by Bianca immediately going to the Desert Resort by herself, abandoning the group:
    Bianca: Oh! [runs back] Thank you, Daddy. Hahaha!
    Linkara: [as Bianca] No thanks to you, Ash, and all you did to convince my father to change his ways! Eat a Diglett!
• In the second episode, Ash, Cilan, and Iris return to the Nimbasa City Gym, once again arriving at the battle site using the facility's roller coaster:
  Linkara: And that's when a trainer with a heart condition sued the hell out of the Nimbasa Gym!
• Elesa flirts with Ash a bit before their battle:
  Elesa: I like the glow on your face, too!
  Linkara: Now he's radioactive! That can't be good!
• After Ash's Palpitoad is knocked out, he needs to switch Pokémon, but he assumed he would only need said Palpitoad to win... so he runs out of the arena in the middle of the battle, which isn't possible in any of the games. Linkara justly stares in shock, and pulls out a fitting clip:
  George Hedare: Your incompetence is staggering!
• Ash is confused when his Snivy's Attract doesn't work on Elesa's Emolga... but then he suddenly remembers, with Elesa's prompting, that both Pokémon are female, and Attract doesn't work on Pokémon of the same sex. Cue Linkara staring in bafflement once again, and another fitting clip:
  Dr. Cox: I was just now wondering if there's anything that could actually push my headache into a full-blown migraine, and there you are.
  • Iris's reaction doesn't help:
    Iris: How many times will it take for Ash to learn that Attract doesn't work between girls?!
    Linkara: Hear that, kids? Lesbians don't exist in Pokémon! [beat] Although, neither does Ash's brain, apparently, because this is evidently a recurring problem! AAAARGHH!!
    • This proves especially funny when you remember that Elesa has an audience of young female fans swooning over her adoringly throughout her battle with Ash. They even get hearts in their eyes at one point! This can give a viewer the notion that women can be attracted to other women in this franchise, but it's limited to humans.
• Linkara has lost all patience for Cilan's gimmick of talking about everything with cooking terms and puns. After detailing what he'd sound like if he did the same thing with comic book terms even when just watching a football game, he proceeds to show clips of Gordon Ramsey insulting chefs and their dishes practically every time Cilan speaks in a clip.
• When Pikachu starts having trouble with Elesa's Tynamo, Ash orders him to use Thunderbolt on everything around him, much to Linkara's horror:
  Linkara: Oh, my God, he's snapped and he's taking everyone down with him!

639: PATREON: Stanley and His Monster #1-4

• Linkara briefly discusses the second issue's cover, which features a demon named Nyx who is drawn in a rather sexy way:
  Linkara: Well [claps hands], now that you know this character exists, Internet, I expect porn of her on my desk by 9:00 AM sharp, or we know the world really has gone to hell.
  • In the week after the episode, Linkara mentioned on Twitter he got at least two pieces of such art.
• The series opens in...
  Caption: Hell... The most awful place you can imagine.
  Linkara: [with his hands on his head] I see... a YouTube comments section... with everyone asking when the next History of Power Rangers is. But the next series isn't even over yet...
  Caption: Currently under new management, now guaranteed to be even worse.
  Linkara: Yeah, I hear they're ending Hell's dental plan, and that's kind of important to have when a lot of demons have fangs that hang outside of their mouths.
• After two angels put in charge of Hell, Remiel and Duma, gather all the demons they can, they learn that one of those demons, the Nameless One, is currently on Earth:
  Remiel: No, this will not do at all. ETRIGAN is bad enough, but there is no excuse for TWO of them running around loose. We must deal with this at once, Duma.
  Linkara: Ah, the Nameless One shouldn't worry; they're going to form a planning committee to decide what to do about it, but they'll be bogged down for a few hundred years on figuring out procedure first.
  • Unbeknownst to the angels, however, the Nameless One was actually exiled to Earth by Lucifer after being "contaminated by good":
    Linkara: [as Remiel] Damn... I'd say we have a pill for that now, but as the new managers, we canceled the healthcare plan, too!
• The scene then cuts to...
  Caption: Earth... The most awful place you can imagine, if you live in Los Angeles. Other than that, it's pretty neat.
  Linkara: I can think of a worse place to live: Marville.
  • Stanley and the Nameless One are seen playing with some knickknacks found in the attic, like the Nameless One wearing a disco outfit from Saturday Night Fever:
    Linkara: He fits in that thing shockingly well...
    • They also have a book labeled "The Heterodyne Boys Big Book of Fun":
      Linkara: [as Stanley] Oh, gee whiz! Think of how many frequencies we can combine!
      Linkara: Despite the name, it's actually a general-purpose how-to book for building stuff.
      Stanley: "How to Build a Fish Trap",... "How to Build a Zeppelin",... "How to... Oh. Oh wow!
      Linkara: [as Stanley] "How to Build a Neutron Bomb Using Only Lysol, Baking Soda, and Chex Mix"!
• Linkara begins to say the title of the first issue, but is distracted by the horrific grin plastered on Stanley's face:
  Linkara: The title of the iss—OH, JESUS!! STANLEY'S GONNA EAT MY SOUL!! [cut to Linkara mimicking that same grin] Are we sure Stanley isn't the exiled demon?! Criminy...
• Stanley is called to dinner, so the Nameless One (hereafter referred to as "Spot") decides to hide himself:
  Spot: Your parents still think me imaginary, and I'd hate to shatter an illusion like that before dinner.
  Linkara: Yeah, disillusionment goes best with hot fudge sundaes.
  • Stanley continues:
    Stanley: Take this book back to my room. And don't eat it!
    Spot: Stanley, you wound me. I already have this delicious stack of National Geographics, thank you.
    Linkara: Eh, the summer issues are always so under-seasoned...
• That night, Stanley dreams of fighting the Joker, who has a modified prank pistol that can fire bullets fast enough to leave a hole in a goon's head and knock his hat off:
  Linkara: It's not that gory because this goon isn't actually a real person; he's really a giant novelty water bottle.
• Stanley fantasizes about his new tree fort becoming so popular, Superman steps in to tell all the kids to leave... so the Justice League can use the fort as their new base:
  Linkara: [with the Superman theme playing] Superman! Stealing kids' tree forts!
• Stanley enlists a repairman to gather a large amount of wood for the fort. The repairman wonders how Stanley got all the wood away so quickly, so Stanley tells him he built a forklift from the DIY book:
  Linkara: [singing, with a cover of the action theme from Fugitive Alien playing] ♪This is the song written for the comic!/ Stanley Dover built this one, too!/ He tried to lie about a forklift!♪ [cuts off] Sorry, sorry. I had to modify that ending there, since Stanley wouldn't kill anyone with a forklift; he's got Spot for that.
  • Actually, Stanley had Spot move the wood:
    Stanley: I just told him that the plans to build one are on page 78.
    Spot: (sigh) You're definitely a bad influence on me, Stanley.
    Linkara: At trial, Spot blamed his killing spree on the influence of Stanley.
• While building the tree fort, Stanley dreams about saving his parents from a disaster by bringing them to the fort. The name of this disaster?
  Stanley: IT'S THE INVASION OF THE SPACE DINOSAURS VS. THE ARMAGEDDON WAR OF THE GODS CRISES CROSSOVER!!!
  Linkara: Ugh. Event comics have gotten so samey nowadays...
• Stanley is caught by his mother, Sheila, who is impressed with the fort's construction, and reveals that the DIY book was hers from when she was little. They'll talk about the fort later, but she wants to get Stanley inside the house due to a thunderstorm occurring:
  Linkara: Ah, he should be fine. I mean, it's not like he's with two other kids arguing over a Radioactive Man issue.
• In the second issue, Nyx tries to bring Spot back to Hell, but Spot refuses, causing Nyx to claw at him. Nyx reminisces on their time together:
  Nyx: I wasn't... good enough—in any sense of the word.
  Spot: All you "gave" was pain!
  Nyx: —And love.
  Linkara: I mean, you can't change someone's preferences, Nyx, but I can assure you, there are plenty of guys out there who'd appreciate the pain and love. [beat] Especially the pain. [beat] This is a lot of innuendo for a book that, last issue, was about tree forts.
• After lightning strikes the fort, Stanley wonders aloud how his "big red dog" is doing. He tells his dad, Mitch, that his mother saw him. Sheila doubts him at first, but then has a moment of revelation:
  Sheila: Just some big, red, shaggy... pillows.
  Linkara: [as Sheila] Wait a second... Stanley, did you steal pillows from Mommy and Daddy's private room downstairs?
• The family is visited by Ambrose Bierce (named after that Ambrose Bierce), who gives Stanley a holy water-filled trick squirt gun to test if he is a demon; he is subsequently soaked:
  Sheila: Well, that'll teach you to do whatever anybody tells you to do.
  Linkara: [as Sheila] Question authority, Stanley dear; someday, you shall even rebel against my power as your mother... though you will fail.
• Spot returns to the house to say goodbye to Stanley and spots Bierce, who he thinks is Nyx in disguise. Spot confronts Bierce privately:
  Spot: All right— You win! Don't hurt anybody, I'm at your mercy!!
  Ambrose Bierce: Having trouble with our pronouns, are we?
  Linkara: [as Spot] What do you mean?! I'm deeply terrified of you!! I am ready to submit to your demands and come along peacefully!! RRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGHH!!!
• Bierce, to Sheila's chagrin, orders some supplies to make a new amulet after giving his away, such as a Pytorean Pyramidal Forge which Spot claims is just a hat. He puts it on, but the pyramid zaps him with energy:
  Linkara: Oh, hey! Same thing happened when I first put this thing on. [points to his trilby] Fortunately, there were no side-kerplunxes at all. Isn't that right, Astro Mega Ship? [holds up a toy robot for several beats] You're usually more talkative than this...
• Spot and Sheila discuss how she keeps getting surprised by the wackiness of the DC Universe despite such occurrences happening constantly:
  Spot: Maybe you can't deal with the fact that there are powers and beings that could destroy humanity before breakfast. Maybe too much knowledge of the fantastic makes humans incapable of dealing with the mundane on a day-to-day basis. Or maybe you just like being surprised.
  Linkara: Surprise! Your free will has just been supplanted by Darkseid and the Anti-Life Equation!
• In the fourth issue, after Spot is taken back to Hell, the Phantom Stranger appears to help Stanley:
  Stanley: So who are you?
  Phantom Stranger: I... am a stranger.
  Stanley: Oh. Too bad.
  Phantom Stranger: "Too bad"? I said I am here to help you.
  Stanley: Maybe, but Mom says that I'm not allowed to talk to strangers.
  Linkara: She's right; you don't know who this guy is. I mean, he could be a fallen angel, or a being caught in a time loop, or Judas Iscariot. It's just dangerous, kids.
  • After Bierce volunteers to escort Stanley to Hell, Stanley gathers some supplies he thinks he needs for the journey, including a wagon, soda, hot dogs, an umbrella, barbecue sauce, and a Halloween mask:
    Linkara: This kid is doomed. I mean, where's his towel?!
    • The journey to Hell involves traveling through several dimensions, including one that features lines from old sitcoms on repeat:
      Linkara: Ah, the WandaVision dimension.
      Bierce: I suspect that this particular realm is where old TV shows go when they die.
      Linkara: [as Bierce] Look, there's Cop Rock, and Heil Honey I'm Home!, and— Oh, my God... it's Turn-On!
• Stanley and Bierce arrive in Hell, but Bierce says he won't go further:
  Bierce: Stanley, listen, this is important. Hell is exactly like you think it is.
  Linkara: [as Bierce] It's watching a really bad 70's variety show over and over and over again for all eternity.
• After rescuing Spot, Stanley asks him why he didn't tell the angels they made a mistake:
  Spot: Angels don't make mistakes, Stanley.
  Linkara: Really? Because, uh... You might want to remember where it is you're walking through, dude.
• Spot frees Nyx from a punishment node, who thinks she's hallucinating being rescued. Stanley tries giving her Joke Cola (With More Sap!):
  Linkara: Pshaw! Totally a rip-off of Kooba Cola Natural (Made with 100% Real Maple Syrup!).
  • Nyx and Spot discuss their issues, leading to this moment:
    Nyx: Wait! Teach me!
    Spot: What?
    Nyx: Teach me how to be... good.
    Linkara: Man, the original concept for The Good Place was weird.
• The post-credits stinger, featuring Stanley, Spot, and Nyx running into Cerberus:
  Stanley: How can we get past him?!
  Spot: I don't know.
  Nyx: Well, I suppose I could...
  Glyfford: Forget it! He's been neutered!
  Linkara: Wait... Were they suggesting Nyx was going to have sex with the dog?

640: Marvel Than Meets the Eye, Part 1: The Transformers #1-40

• Linkara describes the first issue's cover, which features Optimus Prime crushing a Decepticon in his fist... a fist attached to a very stubby arm:
  Linkara: [as Optimus, while jerkily moving his arms around] One shall stand, one shall fall!
  • He also points out a pair of human faces that, according to him, look like Hal Holbrook and Haley Joel Osment:
    Linkara: [as an old woman] Who are you?
    Linkara: [as Rey] I'm Rey.
    Linkara: [as an old woman] Rey who?
    Linkara: [as Rey, after looking at the aforementioned faces] Rey Transformers.
• The first issue proper begins with some exposition:
  Caption: Circling the star Alpha Centauri, ages ago, was a planet unlike any other in the heavens—
  Rick Sanchez: Everything's on a cob! The whole planet's on a cob! Go, go!
  Caption: Cybertron. No rock or soil or sand contributed to its bizarre geography. Its content was entirely—mechanical.
  Linkara: Eat it, geology! My planet is made of robots!
• As the Autobot-Decepticon war begins in earnest, Megatron muses on his next steps:
  Megatron: Soon we Decepticons will have ground our enemies under our heel, and we shall begin our prime task... ...rebuilding Cybertron into a cosmic dreadnought! We shall turn our very planet into the single most deadly weapon in existence!
  Linkara: [as Megatron] It shall become some kind of... "death star" or something. Ravage, start working on a name for it!
• After the Transformers' first battle on Earth, Buster Witwicky brings a damaged Bumblebee back to his father, Sparkplug, to begin repairs... only for Sparkplug to be shocked when Buster reveals Bumblebee is alive:
  Bumblebee: Help me, please! I'm dying!
  Linkara: This is a weird remake of Herbie the Love Bug.
• In the second issue, after contacting Bumblebee, Optimus and the other Autobots travel to Sparkplug's garage while an elderly couple across the street, the Rolands, looks on:
  Doris Roland: Those cars don't have any drivers in them, Mitchell!
  Mitchell Roland: Aw, Sparky probably developed some kind of remote control device, Doris!
  Linkara: [as Mitchell] You know, like that one kid we heard about who built one into a silver dollar! Come to think of it, I think that's his truck out there...
  • The Decepticons attack and abduct Sparkplug, leaving the Autobots helpless without a source of fuel:
    Linkara: Man, the Autobots are in a tight spot; it's a shame this isn't canon to the Marvel Universe like Rom was, or else a superhero like Spider-Man could show up! [beat] Anyway, in issue 3, Spider-Man shows up.
• Linkara becomes increasingly exasperated at the amount of licensed properties in canon with the Marvel Universe at the time aside from Transformers, such as US-1 and Godzilla. He even wonders why those characters never crossed over, since the Transformers are crossing over with other properties more frequently than ever.
• Spider-Man, still in his black suit at the time, teams up with the Autobots to find a way to have the military allow them to fight the Decepticons. His plan? Steal a soldier's helmet (and nothing else), then drive Hound (who Linkara mistakenly refers to as Huffer) to the command post and convince the commander that he's due to report to the front lines. It works.
  Gen. Patton: Magnificent bastard, I read your book!
• In issue 4, Starscream tries to undermine Megatron's command, but receives a fusion cannon blast for his trouble:
  Megatron: Despite his treasonous tone, Starscream had a point! Ravage—go to the Ark and report back to me on the Autobots' progress!
  Linkara: [as Starscream, weakly] Well... at least he acknowledges my good ideas. Better than my last corporate job...
• Linkara describes the fifth issue's cover, which portrays Shockwave next to a damaged wall with the graffiti "Are All Dead." under the title. Linkara muses how the series' logo is diagetic, as the graffiti makes no sense otherwise:
  Linkara: And right next to the graffiti that informs us that there was a hole here, but it's gone now.
• Ratchet and Buster sneak into Shockwave's base to rescue the Autobots, but find Optimus reduced to a severed head:
  Optimus Prime: Buster Witwicky... You must help me... You are... the Autobots'... last hope...
  Linkara: [as Optimus] Can you... scratch my nose? I have been in utter agony... for hours!
  • Optimus has Buster attach two wires to the sides of his head... causing him to get electrocuted:
    Linkara: [as Optimus] Oh, Buster, I forgot to tell you: Shockwave deleted my ethical subroutines. This was just a really funny prank to me. [chuckles] Buster? [beat] Eh, I'll tell him again when he wakes up.
• G.B. Blackrock informs the Autobots that the phones in his factory are bugged:
  G.B. Blackrock: I devised the system to improve security there—make sure no one was saying anything they shouldn't!
  Linkara: You know, things like "We should unionize!" or "For the love of God, can I go to the bathroom?"
• After defeating Shockwave, Optimus leaves him to die in a swamp to help Buster:
  Linkara: And he doesn't order the other Autobots to do it because... Well, again, he's only been a head for a while now; dude's still getting his footing.
• Linkara at one point talks about how Skids, an Autobot antropologist, leaves the Autobots so he can be with a human woman and study humanity... and Skids' idea of studying humanity apparently includes getting washed by his companion while she wears a tight T-shirt and cutoffs:
  Linkara: So I guess Michael Bay did adapt some things accurately...
• Linkara eventually reaches the infamous 24th issue, where Optimus Prime dies... because he inadvertently killed a few NPCs in a video game during a battle with Megatron:
  Linkara: Remember how many little kids got traumatized by Transformers: The Movie? This comic was released a month after the film, and this seems like it'd be even worse if kids read this, because now, you've got little kids going, "Can't play video games anymore, they're what killed Optimus Prime!"
  • What's even more absurd is how Optimus' brain was backed up... on a five-and-a-quarter-inch floppy disk:
    Linkara: I'd like to note that, at best, a five-and-a-quarter-inch floppy disk has a maximum storage capacity of 1.2 MEGABYTES! And honestly, you could kind of believe that Optimus' brain is that size, given this story!
• Ratchet goes looking for spare parts to fix the Autobots taken apart by RAAT. The item he finds to repair Prowl? Police roof lights:
  Linkara: I'm beginning to think that these "spare parts" that Ratchet keeps saying he's lacking are actually just... like... aesthetic stuff. Like, Ironhide can be brought back online if he just had the right decal.
• During the Scraplet infestation, Goldbug and his friend Charlie Fong discover their one weakness — water. Yes, really:
  Linkara: Dihydrogen monoxide, huh? Just... Such a—Such a rarity in the universe! Couldn't figure that compound out, huh?
  Twin Clone of Hitler: Of course. Don't you know anything about science?
• Issues 33 and 34 feature a reprint of a story from the U.K. version of the series, which includes Jazz talking to a kid in a, shall we say, rather creepy way:
  Jazz: There's nothing to be afraid of. Get in... We'll go for a drive.
  Sammy Harker: I... c-can't...
  Jazz: Why not? It's a nice day... and you're on holiday. Well?
  Sammy: My m-mum told me not to take lifts from strangers!
  Jazz: But I'm not a stranger, Sammy. Deep down, you know... don't you? You've been wanting an adventure all your life... Besides. I have something to tell you. Something really important.
  Linkara: I apologize to everyone who now has to pause and take a shower. Yeesh...
• Linkara goes on a tangent about the Headmasters series, which involves a group of Autobots led by Fortress Maximus fleeing Cybertron to settle on the planet Nebulos. The group attempts to send a message of peace to the natives... by ripping their heads off:
  Linkara: Okay... Self-decapitation is not a normal negotiating tactic, but... [shrugs] I can't argue with the results!
• Spike Witwicky teams up with the Headmaster Autobots to defeat Scorponok's Decepticons, but their leader, Galen, dies in the process. Spike is given the controls to Fortress Maximus and helps the Headmasters win, with them proclaiming him their new leader:
  Linkara: I see that Nebulan government is decided by who has the fanciest hat. [points to his trilby] I would be emperor.
• Issue 40 begins with Ethan Zachary from issue 24 being revealed to have started up his own video game development company:
  Linkara: At least until they got acquired by EA and the company dismantled so the executives could report an increase in revenue for this quarter.

641: Marvel Than Meets the Eye, Part 2: The Transformers #41-80

• While discussing how the comics' rotating cast doesn't necessarily translate to weaker stories, Linkara describes the first appearance of Omega Supreme, which shows him taking out six Decepticons while spouting one-liners that would make Darkwing Duck proud:
  Omega Supreme: I AM THE GUARDIAN OF THE GATES... ...THE JUNCTION OF YOUR DESTRUCTION... ...THE LASER LIGHTING THE WAY TO YOUR DOOM... ...THE PLANNER OF YOUR OBSOLESCENCE... ...THE FURNACE THAT FIRES YOUR DEMISE...
  Lil' Jon: TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?! [air horns blasting]
  Omega Supreme: I AM THE NUMBER YOU CANNOT COMPUTE, DECEPTICON.
  Linkara: [as Omega Supreme] I AM THE SQUARE ROOT OF -1.
  Linkara: [as a Decepticon] What?! That number cannot exist!
  Linkara: [as Omega Supreme] YOU LACK IMAGINATION, DECEPTICON.
• After the Ark is damaged in a battle with the Decepticons, Fortress Maximus reveals that he sent Goldbug to the planet Nebulos to bring back the resources necessary to resurrect Optimus Prime:
  Linkara: It's the only place left in the universe where Optimus Prime can be upgraded from five-and-a-quarter-inch... to three-and-a-half-inch.
  • Relatedly, Linkara brings up the "Optimus Prime on a floppy disk" thing earlier in normal voiceover and is seething that he has to say it out loud. He doesn't even make a show of it; he hates the floppy disk plot point that much.
• Issue 43 is a fill-in story adapting the Season 3 episode "The Big Broadcast of 2006", which is labeled on the cover as "a saga from the future":
  Linkara: If you can call a story where most of it is the Junkions making random pop culture references while every other faction out there is just confused about what's going on a "saga".
• Issue 44 sees the Autobots receiving a transmission about the "Cosmic Carnival" on the way back to the Moon, which calls it "the greatest show in the galaxy":
  Linkara: Oh, criminy, the Gods of Ragnarok are at it again! [beat] Yes, Transformers is canon to Doctor Who as well thanks to Death's Head over in the U.K. issues! Screw the Tommy Westphall universe; Marvel holds connections to, like, 99% of pop culture in one way or another!
• In issue 45, Scorponok sends the Pretender Skullgrin to set up a secret fuel depot:
  Scorponok: As a Decepticon Pretender, your outer shell hides your robotic form. Perhaps you'll arouse less suspicion that way.
  Linkara: Yep, nothing suspicious about a twenty-foot-tall monster whose head looks like a cow skull! [beat] I'm starting to think Zarak's presence as Scorponok's head slowly drained his intelligence.
  • Skullgrin ends up being recruited by a sci-fi film producer to star as the monster in his next movie, but his cover is blown when Circuit Breaker attacks, rightly suspecting him to be a Transformer:
    Linkara: I'd say this is further evidence of why the Pretenders concept just doesn't work, but honestly, with Circuit Breaker, she probably suspects that trees are secretly in league with the robots whenever they don't provide enough shade.
• Issue 47 begins the "Underbase Saga", with the Decepticons luring humans to an island resort named "Club Con":
  Announcer: Your journey to paradise begins the moment one of our expert travel agents arrives at your doorstep...
  Starscream: Hi, I'm Starscream. Fly me!
  Linkara: [as Starscream] These vacationers have spent all their money! I, Starscream, am now on vacation!
  • After Blaster tells Sparkplug that Buster has been abducted, Buster's girlfriend Jesse volunteers to go in Sparkplug's place due to her being more in the target demographic:
    Linkara: [as Sparkplug] Old people don't take vacations? What the hell are you talking about?
    Linkara: [as Jesse] Look, the reality is that the teenage boys who read this comic are desperate for some fanservice, and I'm gonna give it to 'em!
    Linkara: [as Sparkplug] The hell you are! I didn't buy a new bikini just to be upstaged by you and yours!
• Issue 48 features Soundwave mistakenly drawn without his mouthplate:
  Linkara: [as Soundwave] SOUNDWAVE MAKING NEW CHANGES IN HIS LIFE. YOU COULD EVEN CALL ME "NEW SOUNDWAVE".
• Issue 50 features yet another battle between the Autobots and the Decepticons while Starscream makes his way to the Underbase, which features Skullgrin back among the other Decepticons:
  Linkara: Yeah, his movie career stalled after he said some racist things about the Combaticons. Don't worry, dude; knowing how Hollywood works, you'll somehow be forgiven for all that in a few years despite no attempts to make amends.
• Starscream gloats to himself as he approaches the Underbase:
  Starscream: Yes—I can imagine how that fleshling, Buster Witwicky, used the device I gave him to save his puny life— —calling his deluded, do-gooder Autobot friends to their doom, unaware as they must have been that the Decepticons' main base was only a short distance away! And now, happily, the two sides no doubt slaughter each other—because no one had the will, the guile, the vision to do what I am about to do—
  Linkara: [as Starscream] And man, I really need some troops to command; monologuing to yourself isn't really quite as satisfying.
  • As the Transformers launch said Decepticon base, Starscream absorbs the power of the Underbase:
    Starscream: Blind me with your awful light! Thrill me with your darkest secret!
    Linkara: Starscream immediately regrets his decision when the Underbase begins listing off increasingly bizarre fetishes, which starts off with window curtains and keeps getting weirder from there.
    Starscream: Fill me with your unholy power! Give yourself to me!!
    Linkara: Oops; sorry, Starscream, but you've reached your limit of unholy power for today. But, if you pay this microtransaction, you'll get an additional 50 unholy power.
• In issue 55, Roadhandler of the Micromasters finds himself in a wrestling match and ends up becoming "the new Interplanetary Wrestling Champion":
  Linkara: Ooh, probably shouldn't have gone for the title match; he might attract some... new competition.
  Bone Button: [growling] ROADHANDLEEER! You might be the hot new thing on Cybertron, but Bone Button is here from parts unknown to put you back in the scrapheap! Normally, I'd use the Button Press on you, but I think today, it's more appropriate to use the Trash Compactor! [more growling and flexing]
  • It turns out Roadhandler is somewhat of a savant when it comes to public relations between the humans and the Transformers, even taking time to say a few words to the kids:
    Roadhandler: ...And remember, if I can do it in the ring, you can do it on the streets! You've got the power to beat the bad guys out there—and make this planet a better place for you and me!
    Linkara: Yes, even you can transform into a car and deadlift humans with one hand!
• With Simon Furman taking over from Bob Budiansky, issue 56 has some continuity hiccups, such as Ratchet knowing Megatron was dead despite not having been there to witness it:
  Linkara: Ratchet even tells Megatron that he "heard he blew himself up". From where? That's not the kind of thing the Decepticons would be advertising. And frankly, even when the two sides were working together to stop Starscream, I have a hard time believing that was a topic of small talk.
  Linkara: [as a Decepticon] Oh, by the way, did you hear? Megatron accidentally blew himself up along with the space bridge because he thought Optimus Prime survived on a floppy disk! Can you believe that?! Pass the laser spanner.
  • Speaking of Megatron, he threatens Ratchet with his comrades' destruction if he doesn't repair a certain subordinate of his. Said subordinate? Starscream:
    Linkara: [as Megatron] Starscream has fallen! I, Megatron, am the new leader of the Decepticons!
• With Starscream resurrected, he goes to intervene in the battle between Scorponok's Decepticons and Optimus' Autobots:
  Zarak: Starscream's dead! I saw him destroyed, blown apart by the vast energies of the Underbase!
  Starscream: Hah! Perhaps then, Lord Zarak, I am his ghost—come to wreak dread revenge on those who let me perish!
  Linkara: [as Starscream] And if I am a ghost, I... better go steal some eyes for Unicron so he'll give me a new body.
• Issue 60 features the first mention of the Transformers' creator god Primus, which surprises Bumblebee:
  Bumblebee: You know, that's the first time I've heard someone cite the Transformers' legendary progenitor in many a year! I'd forgotten we had a god!
  Linkara: Well, you know how it is; you buy a god from the store, say you'll get a lot of use out of it, but then you stick it in a cabinet and forget you ever got it.
• Scorponok comes under fire from his followers for allowing Starscream to rejoin his group, which is music to the ears of a certain Decepticon:
  Captions: The angry silence that follows— —is all the answer the listening Starscream needs. He recognizes seeds of dissent and rebellion, and knows exactly how to sow them correctly— —so he can reap the rewards!
  Linkara: [as Starscream] Scorponok is not fit to be your leader! After all, he let Starscream back on the team! I, Starscream, would never let Starscream rejoin us, which is why I should be the new leader!
• On Cybertron, Bludgeon tries to shoot Grimlock, but the shot ricochets and hits the slumbering Primus instead:
  Caption: The end of a slumber of eons is heralded by a scream that shatters audio sensors—
  Linkara: [as Primus] YOU SHOT ME IN THE FACE!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW!!!
• Issue 66 sees Unicron finally arrive, taking three robots and reformatting them into his servants:
  Unicron: I have searched my futures for an agent, one whom I can send before me—to wreak havoc among the creations of Primus. I have found him!
  Sixshot: I'm the ninja consultant for the Decepticons!
• After RAAT is disbanded, Blackrock begins to assemble a team of superpowered humans to fight the Decepticons:
  Linkara: [as Blackrock] Because if we can't protect the Earth, you can be damn well sure we'll transform it.
  Linkara: [as Katrina] The Earth is a Transformer?!
  Linkara: [as Blackrock] No, I— Huh... Has that ever happened before in this franchise?
• In issue 69, the probe sent to find Ratchet finally brings him back through the portal... fused with Megatron into a hulking mess. Linkara processes the scene the only way he knows how — a rapid-fire series of jokes:
  King Arthur: Jesus Christ!
  Linkara: Okay, uh... Issue 69? This is not nice!
  Linkara: See, this is what happens when you don't do the Fusion Dance correctly.
  Linkara: [as "Ratchetron"] DO YOU LIKE OUR HALLOWEEN COSTUME?! WE'RE GOING AS JOHN CARPENTER'S THE THING!
  Linkara: "How Not to Make a Megazord".
  Linkara: I think Peridot's experiments with Gem Mutants MAY have gotten a bit out of hand...
  Transporter Chief: Enterprise... What we got back didn't live long... fortunately.
  Linkara: Hey, check it out; it's the ending to Sadako vs. Kayako.
  Linkara: Hey, remember how, like, fourteen issues ago, this comic was about Autobots doing professional wrestling?
  Bone Button: [growling] RATCHET AND MEGATRON, I— [beat] Oh, eff this! You're on your own!
  Linkara: [singing] I'm at the Ratchet, I'm at the Megatron, I'm at the combination Ratchet and Megatron...
  Linkara: And for my final joke on this bit...
  Linkara: Presenting in their one-man-show version of AKIRA, Ratchet and Megatron, everybody!
• After Optimus' surrender to Scorponok, he, Kup, and Hot Rod escape from captivity, capturing Zarak and running into Bludgeon:
  Bludgeon: Foolish Autobot! I am a master of metallikato, the forbidden Cybertronian art of combat!
  Linkara: Fortunately, Kup is a master of the forbidden human art of "running you over". [shows a picture of Kup ramming into Bludgeon in vehicle form]
• Issue 78 features Galvatron fighting Megatron in a fit of madness to keep him from being reformatted:
  Linkara: [as Megatron] W-W-Wait, wait, wait, wait! Have... Have you ever heard of the Ship of Theseus?
  Galvatron: It is time to exorcise the past! If you are the disease that plagues me, Megatron— —you must be torn out!
  Linkara: [as Galvatron] This is Unicorn! The Ship of Theseus will soon be a part of me!

642: Marvel Than Meets the Eye, Part 3: Transformers: Generation 2 #0-12 & The Transformers: Regeneration One #80.5-100

• Linkara describes the Generation 2 "cartoon", which is just the original G1 show with CG transitions that mess with the flow of the episodes:
  Linkara: Just imagine that whenever I switch from live-action to the comic panels or whatever, I suddenly have to shrink it— [as a 3D transition occurs] A-A-AAAAAAAAUUGHH!!!
  Linkara: [frightened] Where have I been...?
  • How does he describe the Generation 2 cartoon in the first place? "The cartoon... wasn't."
• As part of the lead-up to Generation 2, Megatron reaches a deal with the terrorist organization Cobra to give them the Cybertronian technology inside the Ark in exchange for a new body and the services of scientist Doctor Sidney Biggles-Jones. Cobra keeps up their end by giving Megatron his new body with a new alt-mode (a tank), but he double-crosses them by kidnapping Doctor Biggles-Jones and escaping in the Ark:
  Linkara: Which really means that this issue should have been called "Biggles and the Menace from Space".
• Linkara explains his gripes with the overall Generation 2 series, with it leaning hard into Dark Age of Comic Books tropes like unnecessary edginess, characters wearing too many pouches and firing gigantic guns, and a cluttered art style:
  90's Dude: DUUUUUDE! That's what makes it so awesome! [singing] Robots in disGUUUUUUNS!
• The first issue introduces the villain of the series, Jhiaxus, whose name is a pun referring to the unrealistic expectations placed on the book in order to continue the series past #12 ("gee, axe us"):
  Linkara: Stay tuned for a future storyline of this show where I battle the villain "Yutoob Del-Eet Machanelle".
• Linkara brings up the mistake he made in the first part by confusing Hound with Huffer, and promises he won't do it again. He immediately refers to Hound with other Autobots' names, such as Cliffjumper and Ironhide.
• In issue 4, Bludgeon begins his massacre of Earth to lure Optimus Prime, but is stopped by the appearance of Megatron and Starscream:
  Megatron: You have something of mine — namely the leadership of the Decepticons. I want it back... over your dead body!
  Linkara: [as Megatron] Now, Bludgeon, I— [trips] Whoops!
  Linkara: [as Starscream] Bludgeon, quickly! Megatron has fallen! Make me the new leader!
  • Bludgeon is impressed by their shared habit of resurrecting:
    Bludgeon: You should have stayed dead.
    Starscream: We suffer from a disquieting knack, Megatron and I, of refusing to do just that.
    Linkara: [as Starscream] Ratchet, though? Screw him; he's still dead.
• After Megatron regains leadership of the Decepticons, Soundwave asks why he had Starscream brought back despite his track record of betrayals:
  Megatron: You are of course quite right, Soundwave. Starscream is a backstabbing miscreant who will attempt to seize power at the first opportunity. However, he has served me well thus far, providing much-needed mobility after the Ark was destroyed and bolstering our surface troops.
  Linkara: Uh-huh... [sigh] Look, Megatron... Just admit you got a crush on the doofus; it's the only explanation at this point why you keep bringing him back.
• In issue 7, Megatron rallies his forces to fight against Jhiaxus and his minions:
  Decepticons: Death! Rip! Tear!
  Linkara: Wait, was Doomguy a Transformer?
• The eighth issue sees Optimus Prime and Megatron forming a temporary alliance to stop Jhiaxus, but true to form, Starscream leaves to betray them:
  Linkara: This is my surprised face. [points to the neutral expression on his face]
  • This doesn't escape Megatron's notice:
    Megatron: Why? That's what they all asked me. Why him... Why Starscream? Why, of all Decepticons, did I decide to revitalize the one whose record of deceit and betrayal is legend? Because I'm an idiot, that's why!
    Linkara: Hey, you said it, not us. But I'll say it now anyway: you're an idiot, Megatron.
    • Optimus and Megatron arrive at the Warworld battle cruiser to find Starscream fused with the Matrix:
      Starscream: Through the Matrix I have become one with the Warworld, made it an extension of my own consciousness. I have become, in essence— —a living weapon!
      Linkara: [as Optimus] Don't you transform into a jet? That's a weapon, too.
      Linkara: [as Starscream] Well, yes, but—
      Linkara: [as Megatron] And Decepticons are mighty warriors with built-in weapons systems! Hell, I used to literally be a gun!
      Linkara: [as Starscream] You're missing the point!
      Linkara: [as Optimus] I think the point is that saying you're a living weapon is not as impressive as being... say... cosmically powered.
• The Regeneration One series reunites Simon Furman with Andrew Wildman, the artist responsible for the fusion of Ratchet and Megatron dubbed "Ratchetron":
  Linkara: Oop, got another one! We've seen how Michael Bay makes a Transformers movie; now let's see how David Cronenberg makes one!
• In the 81st issue, frustrated with Prime's indecisiveness over looming threats, Kup gathers the Wreckers to travel to every planet involved in the war to eliminate every remaining Decepticon. They first visit Earth, but find it has already been decimated:
  Linkara: Climate change, people; this was always the end result of the Autobots and Decepticons being gas-guzzlers.
  • They soon discover the one responsible for the destruction — Megatron:
    Linkara: [as Megatron] Thank Primus! I've been so bored, I rebuilt and destroyed Starscream three times now!
• In issue 82, Megatron is revealed to have an army of composed of lobotomized, heavily damaged Decepticons, including Starscream, who Megatron allowed to retain a sliver of consciousness as a form of torture:
  Megatron: This special torment... ...I reserve for all who oppose or defy me. Isn't that so... ...Ratchet? [shows Ratchet's decapitated head]
  King Arthur: Jesus Christ!
  Linkara: Yeah, Ratchet's head is mounted on the front of his little hover scooter, and he's apparently still alive! Still... gotta imagine it's better than being fused with Megatron, so... [extremely hesitantly] upgrade...?
• The Wreckers find a group of humans in the desert, but they flee in terror at the sight of them. Suddenly, a beam shoots out, and the Wreckers find... Spike Witwicky, outfitted with cybernetics and now calling himself "Circuit Smasher":
  Linkara: Oh hey, they're in the DC Universe now; they have legacy heroes!
  • After filling the Wreckers in on what happened, Spike escorts them to Argus Base, where he introduces them to his organization's leader — an older, wheelchair-bound G.B. Blackrock:
    Blackrock: I've got just one question, Autobots... ...Where's Optimus Prime?!
    Linkara: [as Blackrock] He owes me fifty bucks!
    Linkara: [as Spike] Earth is in ruins, and there's no global economy or reason for money.
    Linkara: [as Blackrock] I know that, but in case you hadn't noticed, with the Earth destroyed, I don't have much else going on!
• On Cybertron, Optimus and his fellow Autobots learn of Kup's visit to Earth and pick up a transmission from Megatron:
  Megatron: Where are you, Prime?! Don't you want to see what I've done to your precious planet?
  Linkara: That's supposed to be menacing, but it turns out he means he just put in lawn gnomes.
• After Optimus leads his troops to Earth, Soundwave contacts Bludgeon (currently aboard the Warworld from Generation 2), who tells him to go on a mission to reclaim the remains of Thunderwing:
  Linkara: At this rate, it's going to turn out Zarak and Scorponok have been secretly alive this whole time! Hell, let's bring in Decepticon leaders from the cartoon next! Astrotrain tried to take over the Decepticons with an army of trains once; let's do that again! [beat] Anyway, issue 84— [shows an alternate cover featuring a group of Ex-Bots led by Astrotrain] I... I WAS KIDDING!
  • It is revealed that Scorponok is indeed alive on Nebulos, offering a captured Grimlock a new body in return for his service:
    Linkara: Just watch, people! Who's next that's going to enter the picture?! The Mechanic?! The Mecannibals?! The Femax Queen?! Bring 'em all back! Form the Legion of Doom or something!
• While Linkara describes the effects of Nucleon on other Transformers, he yet again switches Hound and Huffer's names.
• Optimus decides to stay on Earth and help the humans rebuild, believing his resurrection by the Last Autobot was a mistake, and it is time for Hot Rod to take command:
  Linkara: [sarcastically] After all, that worked out so well in the cartoon!
• After outrunning monstrous Demons in the tunnels of Cybertron, Hot Rod stumbles upon a secret chamber that contains a sword and a golden disc:
  Linkara: My God... A LaserDisc! Think how many Optimus Prime brains you can hold in that thing!
• In issue 91, Perceptor points out how Scorponok's plan to reprogram the populace of Cybertron with the Gene Key left lasting emotional scars that can't be easily fixed:
  Perceptor: And then—in the cold, sober light of a new day—suddenly coming face to face with every corrupt deed, every depraved thought—and wondering which is the real me?
  Linkara: Eh, give them the day off and a week's supply of coffee; same treatment for college students who've been drinking and partying at a rave the night before.
• Hot Rod tries to explain his visions to a restless and angry crowd in Iacon, but ends up with a grenade thrown at him for his trouble:
  Linkara: Hot Rod, welcome to the wonderful world of politics!
• By the end of the issue, another familiar face from Generation 2 makes an appearance — Jhiaxus:
  Linkara: Just watch; even though he's been vaporized, we're still somehow going to get Generation 2 Megatron next!
• On Cybertron, the Autobots manage to shut down a tampered Intracomm stirring unrest in the populace, at the cost of not knowing when the Decepticons might attack next:
  Linkara: Plus, the Internet's out, so streaming services and video games are down and everybody's really bored.
• After defending themselves against a Demon attack, Hot Rod and the Autobots enter Primus' chamber, where they discover Grimlock... possessed by Primus:
  Primus-through-Grimlock: I thought it time... ...we spoke.
  Linkara: [as Primus-through-Grimlock] Me was Grimlock... now me GODlock!
• Issue 94 sees Blaster track down Soundwave, eager to settle their feud once and for all:
  Linkara: And if they destroy each other, this might finally be what we've been building up to for so long: the birth... of New Soundwave!
• In issue 96, Jhiaxus puts his scheme into motion, leading a massive armada and transmitting a simple announcement:
  Jhiaxus: My name... ...is Jhiaxus. I come in peace.
  Linkara: [as Jhiaxus] You can tell how happy I am about peace by this smile on my face. [points to the dour expression on his face]
• Issue 99 sees Spike brought to Zero Space, where a voice tells him that he embodies "the trinity" — a human/Nebulan/Cybertronian hybrid — and that he is the key to crossing the multiverse:
  Linkara: Of course! This is their tie-in to Into the Spider-Verse! They're going to get the Spider-Man from issue 3 back!
• The final issue sees Rodimus Prime confront the dark Matrix creature in Zero Space; on his last legs, he uses the Covenant of Primus to summon other versions of Rodimus from throughout the multiverse:
  Linkara: This is not the continuation of Marvel's Exiles that I was expecting.
• Far into the future, Rodimus Prime reflects on all he accomplished, including turning the Transformers into a peacekeeping force, with Ravage, Shockwave, and Starscream among their number:
  Linkara: I bet those two kids finally got married. They even got a dog! Er, cat. [beat] When did Ravage come back?
• Linkara closing out the entire series:
  Linkara: We're not done with Transformers this year, but we'll get to that eventually. For now, though, seek out this series if you can... until the day when all are one. [shows "Ratchetron" one last time] GAAAHH!! Not like that!
• The post-credits stinger:
  Bludgeon: [to Soundwave] Listen carefully... After many stellar cycles of patient preparation I am almost ready to avenge our humbling defeat on Klo. I have the substantive means to strike back, but a key element remains... elusive.
  Sixshot: I'm the ninja consultant for the Decepticons!

643: Star Trek #9 (Gold Key)

• Linkara analyzes the caption on the issue's cover:
  Caption: George Washington is alive and well- Watch out Mr. Spock!
  Linkara: He's pissed that Betsy Ross knitted that kicky little scarf belt for him.
• The issue opens on a preview featuring the Enterprise crew surrounded by multiple historical figures:
  Narration: In the Stygian void of space, the Enterprise discovers a planet inhabited by every famous person in the history of Earth—
  Linkara: [as the narration] But mostly the white ones.
  Spock: They're closing in for the kill, Captain! Have you any suggestions?
  Kirk: Everyone, stand your ground! If this is going to be the end, we're going down fighting!
  Linkara: An artist's interpretation of a seventh grader taking a history exam without having studied.
• Kirk, Spock, Sulu, McCoy, and Uhura beam down to the city they discovered on Gamma Alpha V and come face-to-face with an inexplicably alive George Washington:
  Kirk: But-But this is impossible! You've been dead for centuries!
  Linkara: [as Kirk] Wait! Did you happen to run into some kind of... weird alien cloud creature called a Companion who wants to bang you? Because the guy who's responsible for First Contact Day had that happen to them.
  • Washington leads the group back to his house, where he introduces them to his wife:
    George Washington: Friends, may I introduce my wife... the former Helen of Troy!
    Linkara: [as Washington] Now Helen of Circle Pines.
    Sulu: Oh, no— not again?
    Linkara: I know Sulu means "another historical figure", but with that reaction, it kind of makes me think this is, like, the eighth time they've run into Helen of Troy. [beat] And with the original series, that's entirely possible.
    McCoy: Helen of who?
    Linkara: Bones, it's very rude to be so dismissive of what she's most known for; you're not being a good guest, especially when she's making dinner.
• Linkara has a field day when Washington introduces the group to the comic's version of a certain former president:
  Washington: And I'm sure you'll recognize Anton York, 45th President of the United States!
  Linkara: [beaming] Remember Ratchetron from a couple weeks ago? Here we go again!
  Linkara: Yes, Anton York, the 45th president!
  Linkara: [as "Anton York"] Yes, my name is Anton York, the greatest of Antons and the greatest of Yorks. It's totally my real name; let me have my Twitter account now.
  Linkara: Why is he dressed like Doctor Strange?
  Linkara: [as "Anton York"] I, Anton York, built the greatest wall, the wall to end all walls, towering up into space. It towered, like York Tower; you could see how big my crowd size was from that wall, too!
  Linkara: Gotta love how people in 1970 thought this was how presidents would dress in 50 years. Honestly, though, that's on us for not making capes a regular fashion thing.
  Linkara: God, I joke, but he seriously looks like him a bit, just with the wrong hair color!
  Linkara: [as "Anton York"] This is real hair, the best hair. Jimmy Fallon ruffled this hair; he ruffled it. It's just, my hair got into a tanning booth and this is what happened, but it looks gorgeous on me. I'm a natural redhead. I never look bad, ever.
  Linkara: Quite a contrast, isn't it? First president next to the 45th? God, we really did have the worst timeline when there's one out there with the pirate magician as the 45th president.
  Linkara: Of course they know him, George; his space organization ripped off their logo.
  Linkara: [as "Anton York"] This place is the greatest! I can play golf here all the time, and I always win!
  Linkara: [as Washington] No, he doesn't.
  Linkara: [as "Anton York"] That is a fake president! That's a fake president! He said that I was the best golfer ever, and therefore the best president ever, and therefore the best golfer ever!
  Linkara: And finally...
  Washington: And I'm sure you'll recognize Anton York, 45th President of the United States!
  Linkara: Recognize him, George? Of course we do! We are never going to forget him...
• After seeing Abraham Lincoln, Kirk speculates that the city is actually a collection of sorts, to which Washington concurs:
  Washington: Collected in this city are the greatest figures in history!
  Linkara: Oh, yeah? Then where the hell's Mister Rogers?
  McCoy: Dear Lord, Jim, do you realize what this means?
  Linkara: [as Kirk] That's right, Bones. Party at Gandhi's house!
  McCoy: We-We've found... Heaven!
  Linkara: Eh, I don't know; "Heaven Is a Place on Gamma Alpha V" just doesn't have the same ring to it.
• Spock is revealed to have been taken miles underground by Alexander Lazarus, an Earth historian "of some minor repute":
  Alexander Lazarus: Minor repute? Ah, Spock—Spock, you're just like all the rest, blind to the genius you see about you...
  Linkara: [as Lazarus] As you can see, I have recreated Adam West's Batcave down to the smallest detail!
  Lazarus: ...Just like my associates on Earth! They scoffed-- laughed at me! One minor malfunction in my computer alienated me from Earth's scientific community...
  Linkara: [as Lazarus] You cause three or four nuclear meltdowns, and suddenly, everybody's a critic!
• Lazarus reveals that he built a giant antenna to record the thought patterns of people from throughout Earth's history. His method of storage?
  Lazarus: It has recorded all of that history on these punch-cards...
  Linkara: [as Lazarus] The 10,667 cards over there are all Optimus Prime's brain!
• Lazarus explains that a short-circuit caused one of his android assistants to adopt the memories and appearance of Benjamin Franklin:
  Linkara: [as Franklin] Strange; last I recall, I was speaking to that Kool-Aid Man fellow...
  Lazarus: At last! I finally have more than punch-cards and tapes!
  Linkara: He didn't store memories on the tapes; those were reserved for his old Duran Duran cassettes.
• Lazarus tries to convince Spock to help with his latest experiment:
  Lazarus: Then I saw you on the planet's surface—and an idea evolved! I'm going to study Vulcan history, Mr. Spock, and I need your help!
  Spock: My assistance? In what way?
  Lazarus: It's simple, Spock, incredibly simple! All I want from you is—- your brain!!
  [musical sting]
  Linkara: Really? Really?! Does EVERY medium Star Trek is on need a story where someone steals Spock's brain?! I feel like Dr. Doofenshmirtz! "If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to steal Spock's brain... I'd have three nickels, which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened three times!" Oh, my God, if you count the mind meld transferring Spock's katra to McCoy in the films, does that mean it's four times?! Is... Is there a novel where they take Spock's brain? A video game?! One of the Book and Record Sets?! W-Why is this a subgenre of Star Trek stories?!
• Part 2 begins with Lazarus showing Spock the Psi-Clone device, currently only attuned to human brain waves and needing to be tested for compatibility with a Vulcan:
  Lazarus: Someone whose brain-patterns can be absorbed and recorded by my... er, "brain-drain" device, I guess you'd call it!
  Linkara: [as Lazarus] I got the blueprints from the old Doctor Doom Archives!
• After Lazarus accidentally kills himself and the base begins to explode, Spock rushes to save as many records as he can:
  Linkara: Unfortunately, in his rush, he was only able to recover the punch-cards for Flavor Flav and the inventor of jorts.
• After being rescued by the Enterprise, Spock tells Kirk what happened to him:
  Kirk: Remarkable story, Mr. Spock!
  Linkara: That's one word for it! Another is "bonkers"!
  • This causes Kirk to pontificate on how important history is to those who dream of a better future:
    Kirk: Our heritage is our inspiration, Bones—to reach for things beyond what we can already touch—to dream a greater dream and mold it into a reality! Without the thinkers, the planners, the leaders, the doers—without our history to catch us when we fall and set us on our feet again... What has Man got left?
    Linkara: ROBOT!!! HITLER!!!
• The post-credits stinger:
  Caption: George Washington is alive and well- Watch out Mr. Spock!
  Linkara: Given where that picture is from, does that mean George Washington is going through pon farr, too?

644: PATREON: Star Trek/Legion of Super-Heroes #1-6

• The video opens with Linkara admitting he's basically stalling for time since doesn't have a lot to talk about in the intro:
  Linkara: Checking the timecode... Yeah, that should be enough. Let's dig into Star Trek/Legion of Super-Heroes and see if it's even half as crazy as last week's comic, featuring brain waves stored on punch-cards that get sent into androids to create perfect duplicates of historical figures, and thus, Robot Hitler. [beat] And if you missed last week, that is why you should watch every episode of this show.
• The comic begins with a slightly altered narration referencing the opening of Star Trek:
  Narration: Explore strange new worlds. Seek out new life, and new civilizations. Boldly go where no man has gone before... ...and conquer.
  Linkara: Ah, Civilization: Star Trek Edition. [beat] It was called "Birth of the Federation"; any other conquest game I could've mentioned also has a Star Trek version.
• The narration exposits how the comic takes place in an alternate timeline:
  Narration: Earth. Heart of the Imperial Planets, an empire that stretches halfway across the galaxy.
  Linkara: [as the narration] Near the bus line.
  Narration: Birthplace of the human race, the most rapacious and power-hungry sentients known in recorded history. But the planet was not always a power to be reckoned with.
  Linkara: [as the narration] There was a time they did not understand the power of a bare midriff.
  Narration: A thousand generations ago, it was simply another oasis of life in the vast emptiness of space, isolated and alone.
  Linkara: [as the narration] Being on Twitter soon made them long for a return to that.
• The story cuts to prehistoric times as a man in silhouette looks upon a tribe of cavemen:
  Linkara: Metron is nearby in order to give Anthro knowledge... along with a gajillion other time-travelers.
  • The cavemen soon spot said silhouetted figure:
    Mysterious Man: Ah, there you are.
    Linkara: I don't know if I'm down with this 2001: A Space Odyssey reboot where the Monolith is played by a human.
• The Enterprise crew lands on Earth to give a speech at Starfleet Academy, but find themselves in the alternate timeline instead, featuring buildings draped with the "two swords crossed with Earth" logo seen earlier:
  Linkara: You know, maybe this is the mirror universe if the Honedge in the logo just evolved into Doublade.
• After scouting the area, Uhura gives the landing party an update:
  Uhura: Captain, look! Those hills! That's Twin Peaks. This is San Francisco.
  Linkara: [as Uhura] And suddenly, I'm thirsty for some damn fine coffee...!
• Kirk attempts to contact the Enterprise, but security personnel arrive and inform the group that they will be immediately executed for accessing classified communication bands:
  Linkara: I'm going to assume they were not just going to execute them on the spot; otherwise, it's basically like going, "Attention, unknown persons: you are somehow trespassing and accessing classified communications bands. We will now kill you all without trying to learn how or why. Thank you for your patience, and a coupon for the gift shop will be sent to your loved ones."
  • Thankfully, the crew has phasers to defend themselves, leading Linkara to wonder why they carried them at all if they were only going to Starfleet Academy:
    Linkara: [as McCoy] Jim, every year, we come back to Starfleet Academy, and the damn underclassmen stun me and wrap me in toilet paper as part of the hazing rituals. It ain't happening this time, dammit!
• The second issue begins with the leader of the Imperial Planets announcing that the Durlan threat has been dealt with, but other foes from both franchises are still active:
  Linkara: Greatest threat of all, though? A mad scientist named Lazarus who's perfecting a new version of Brother Eye... but he's held back because his version uses punch-cards.
• The Enterprise crew manages to escape thanks to Spock hacking the shuttle system:
  Kirk: Spock, I could kiss you.
  Spock: I would prefer you did not, Captain, if it is all the same to you.
  Linkara: A million fangirls just started crying, and they don't know why.
• After the Enterprise crew lands in the desert, McCoy begins complaining:
  McCoy: I was supposed to be giving a talk at Starfleet Medical by now. Instead, I'm stuck in another blasted mirror universe. Hell, I'm probably evil here, with a little goatee and everything.
  Linkara: By the 23rd century, even humanity had become aware of Star Trek tropes.
• When the Enterprise crew and the Legion cross paths for the first time, Kirk reacts... by immediately firing at them with his phaser:
  Linkara: [as McCoy] Jim, would you stop being so damn trigger-happy for two seconds?!
  Linkara: [as Kirk] Dammit, Bones! If we go back to our own universe, I'll have to give that speech at the Academy! I can't stand public speaking!
  • Eventually, Brainiac-5 and Spock convince their respective sides to stop fighting and talk instead:
    Kirk: Perhaps we did get off on the wrong foot.
    Cosmic Boy: What do you mean, "we"? You're the one who shot first.
    Kirk: In a strange world, being pursued by unknown forces who have already attacked without provocation? I had no choice but to shoot first. I had the safety of my crew to consider. The fact that you might not be the enemy was a risk I was willing to take.
    Linkara: [as Kirk] Doing something incredibly stupid and impulsive and unnecessary was a risk I was willing to take.
    • Cosmic Boy and Kirk then talk about how their worlds aren't so different when it comes to their organizations and ideals:
      Cosmic Boy: As I said, if everything you say is true, your world and ours aren't so different, after all.
      Linkara: [as Kirk] But, does your reality have the X-Men in it?
      Linkara: [as Cosmic Boy] The who?
      Linkara: [as Kirk] Ha! Thought so. Score one for ours.
• Chekov has an amusing conversation with Cosmic Boy during their trip through the time-stream:
  Chekov: Oh, yes. The steam engine, the printing press, even scotch— all inwented in Russia.
  Cosmic Boy: That's amazing. Our timelines must be even more different than I thought.
  Linkara: [as Chekov] We also inwented digital watches, the color green, and the feeling of wanting to buy designer paper clips even though you don't need paper clips.
• Kirk's team knock out some guards and steal their uniforms, with Kirk getting distracted by Uhura and Shadow Lass getting undressed:
  Kirk: Ladies, may I say that you look absolutely stunning in those? You know, I don't know if I've ever met a woman with skin quite that shade of blue...
  Linkara: Did Chris Roberson think he was writing the Kelvin Timeline version of Kirk? Time and place, man!
• After the Legion and the Enterprise crew discover the link between Vandal Savage and Flint, the silhouetted figure from the first issue appears again, drawn with an "eye discharge" that makes him look similar to Cable:
  Linkara: [as Kirk] You see, Legion? I told you that we met the X-Men!
• After discovering that Q was controlling the cavemen while being held hostage, the team in the past tries to figure out what to do with them:
  McCoy: You expect me to believe this is some kind of blasted genie? I've seen some incredible things before, but magic?!
  Linkara: [as Spock] We did encounter magic once before, Doctor; even I performed it. It was logical.
• In the future, Kirk works to keep his team from being tortured by goading Vandar the best way he knows — a long, impassioned speech:
  Kirk: You capture a being more powerful than worlds, and the best you can think to do with it is conquer? To create weapons and agony booths? [...] You could have made this world a paradise. Instead, you've created a hell.
  Linkara: [as Vandar] What?! That's absurd! Take him to the chamber, where he will be poked with red-hot tridents-- Oh, my God, that is exactly what I've done...
  Vandar: You insignificant little worm. You dare to criticize me?
  Linkara: [as Vandar] Who do you think you are, an Internet reviewer?!
  • Kirk continues criticizing Vandar, saying he only focuses on the past instead of the future:
    Kirk: The Legionnaires... my crewmates and I... we come from worlds where humanity has moved past the need to conquer and pillage. Worlds where humanity decided that needless bloodshed and mindless aggression belonged to the past. Where humanity looked with hope towards the future. We understand the future and what it means. And that's why people like us will always defeat people like you.
    Linkara: [as Kirk] It's a lesson I once learned from someone named Optimus Prime.
    Linkara: [as Vandar] Who's Optimus Prime?
    Linkara: [as Kirk] God, do you not have them in your universe, either? That's two for us.
• Thanks to the efforts of the team in the past, Q manages to free themselves:
  Q: Any day now Vandar was going to figure out that he should order me to take orders only from him, and not just "from no one living on the face of the Earth." But anyone who wasn't alive when he gave me those orders...? So all I had to do was wait until I found time-travelers clever enough to free me, and send them back here.
  Linkara: [as Q] Did not work at all with that group consisting of Al, Lucy, and Mickey; they just kept babbling about how duckbills were better than people and decided to strip naked so I wouldn't be the only one.
• The series concludes with Q talking with Flint about choosing not to be a conqueror after being one for so long:
  Flint: Drenched in other men's blood, I finally realized that humanity could be so much better than it was. That tomorrow could be better than today. That it was better to create than to conquer.
  Linkara: [as Flint] I also realized that it's really hard to wash blood out of ancient Mesopotamian clothes; that was my favorite shirt, too.
  • Q expresses surprise that Flint changed, but posits that he remains a savage in other universes:
    Flint: Other universes?
    Q: Certainly. There may have been only one yesterday, but there are countless tomorrows... ...and the possibilities are endless.
    Linkara: [as Flint] That's swell and all, but I don't suppose you could help me with this robot girlfriend I've been working on, can you? It has... not been going well.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Kirk: Public speaking is not exactly my... forte, Admiral. But I'll... do my best.
  Admiral Komack: You beat the Kobayashi Maru, you can handle a fifteen-minute speech.
  Linkara: [as Kirk] [snaps] That's it! Spock, prepare a speech I can steal from. I beat the Kobayashi Maru by cheating; I can beat this speech by cheating.

645: Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Comic #1

• The comic opens with Ardy on the Moon taking his dog for a walk while planting explosives:
  Kinga: [on the radio] Just get back in here, Ardy— and don't dawdle.
  Ardy: Sure, right after Bonesy is done going "walkies."
  Kinga: [on the radio] Ugh, disgusting! Over and yuck!
  Linkara: I agree; what's the point of taking the dog out if he's just going to poop in its suit anyway? [beat] A "poopie suit", if you will.
• On the Satellite of Love, Kinga contacts Jonah Heston, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo, GPC, M. Waverly, and Growler to discuss her new invention:
  Kinga: An innovation so powerful it'll tear the Marvel Universe apart brick by brick!
  Linkara: [as Kinga] I call it "event fatigue"!
  • In actuality, her new invention is the Bubbulat-r, designed to transport a person inside a comic book:
    Kinga: You'll be able to experience comics like never before! By becoming a part of them!!
    Linkara: [as Kinga] You can fight twin clones of Hitler! You can experience the unending misery of Bimbos in Time! And you can meet Anton York, 45th President of the United States!
    • Max chimes in:
      Max: It's every nerd's dream come true! Mine, especially!
      Linkara: [as Max] I can meet all my favorite heroes! NFL SuperPro, the Nova Girls... [gasp] AAU Shuperstar...!
      Linkara: Me personally, I'd use this tech to go and finally deal with the horror that is Mr. Computer.
• Max is sent into a funny animals comic to test the Bubbulat-r and discovers he can alter the artwork and dialogue within:
  Max: ...See that little girl bunny there? Cute, right? In real life she's four feet tall, has powerful, sinewy limbs, and reeks of a bizarre musk!
  Linkara: Eh, turns out he was sent into a comic featuring Lola Bunny.
• After some shenanigans with the Bubbulat-r, Tom Servo is transplanted into the public domain comic Johnny Jason, Teen Reporter, with Tom taking the main character's place:
  Linkara: Oh hey, Tom finally got his wish!
  Tom: —no longer Tom Servo, mere robot; I emerge from my metal chrysalis, Tom Servo—real live boy! Haha!
  Tom-as-Johnny: Yes! It's 1962 and I'm an eighteen-year-old newspaper reporter —who can drive!
  Linkara: [as Tom-as-Johnny] Time to steal a car!
• The story being riffed on begins with Shelley Marks, a teenage movie star, walking home with her date:
  Shelley: I can't remember when I've laughed so much, Wayne.
  Linkara: Eh, means they weren't watching my show, then.
• Some thugs manage to kidnap Shelley, but are forced to abandon her when their car gets a flat tire. Wayne and some police officers catch up with her:
  Wayne: There she is! In the back of that car!
  Riffed Cop: I think we should declare martial law!
  Linkara: [as the other cop] Gary, you've been saying we should declare martial law since lunch; just accept you mailed that drunken letter to your ex begging for her back, and there's no way to stop it!
  • Wayne believes the attempted kidnapping was part of a publicity stunt, but Shelley disagrees:
    Shelley: I don't know anything about it! You've got to believe me!
    Riffed Cop: [thinking] Lips so buttery...
    Linkara: [as the cop] So... unsalted...!
    • GPC reads a newspaper article about the kidnapping with the title "Attempted Kidnap of Movie Actress, Shelley Marks Abducted...Released as Abductors Flee":
      GPC: They're reporting on an abduction that didn't happen? It really is a slow news day.
      Sideshow Bob: "Attempted" murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for "attempted" chemistry? Do they?
• Johnny is sent to Shelley's house, where he is introduced to her parents and her agent, Pete Woods. As Woods begins downing his eighth drink, Shelley's mother laments:
  Riffed Shelley's Mother: [thinking] I could have been part of the DC Universe...
  Linkara: [as Shelley's mother, in voice-over] But nooo! I had to say I actually like the Ryan Reynolds Green Lantern movie, and now nobody will return my calls!
  • Shelley arrives and invites Johnny for some horseback riding, but her parents beg her to reconsider:
    Shelley: Let's get one thing straight! This is my ranch! I own this house...those horses...the whole thing! And nobody's going to tell me what to do and when to do it!
    Linkara: [as Shelley] I can buy and sell your ass, Dad! I am the new god of this world!!
• After a hectic horseback riding session, Johnny takes a nap, and is awoken by the sounds of a party downstairs:
  Tom-as-Johnny: I can't believe this is happening to me! I'm a teenager and I'm about to burst into a lawless sixties party! Yes!
  Linkara: [as Tom-as-Johnny] I am gonna do so many drugs!
  • Tom discovers that Kinga and Max have made their way into the comic to arrange a sponsorship deal with Totino's Pizza Rolls; Kinga proceeds to replace Tom's head with a bowl full of said pizza rolls:
    Linkara: He's just mad because it's not as tasty as when they used an onion blossomer on his head.
    Tom: You blossomed and fried my head?!
    Mike Nelson: Oh, lighten up; you didn't even miss it.
    Crow: Try it with my dipping sauce, Tom!
• The comic ends with Shelley thanking Tom for livening up the party, and Tom is happy something finally went his way:
  Tom: Man, I sure hope this scene makes it into the comic book!
  Linkara: [as Tom, shaking his fist] I'm going to angrily yell at the panel above me until it does!

646: PATREON: The Dark Knight Returns #1-4

• Linkara goes over the introduction Frank Miller wrote for the 10th anniversary edition of the book, where he explains that one of his main inspirations was wanting to write a story where Batman was much older than he was in the comics at the time, since he himself was growing old:
  Linkara: Some men get sports cars when they turn middle-aged; others write stories where their childhood heroes are old men. We all cope how we can.
  • Miller later goes into his thought process when creating this new Batman:
    Miller: He's neither petty nor petulant.
    Linkara: [as Batman] Dammit, Alfred! Dick gave me a VHS tape full of rock concert footage for my birthday! Is he still mad about his dinner of rats?!
    Miller: He's no whiner; there's not a trace of self-pity in his soul.
    Linkara: I get what he was probably trying to say, but that sounds more like a person who lacks self-reflection or awareness for the harm that can be caused by his actions.
    • Miller later describes Batman as having grand passions and Olympian triumphs, and his unhappiness as "not depressing, but a brooding, Wagnerian torment":
      Linkara: Which comes across more to me as "Check out my epic man-pain! It's more important than any depression you have! I AM THE NIGHT, AND THAT MAKES ME SAAAD!!"
• Linkara looks at the first issue's famous cover, featuring Batman in silhouette as lightning strikes behind him, leaping in a sort of weird pose:
  Linkara: [as Batman, in the aforementioned pose] Alfred! I've invented dabbing!
• The story begins with an older Bruce Wayne narrowly escaping a car crash during a race, Linkara pointing out his bushy mustache:
  Linkara: Does make sense that he'd shave that as Batman; kind of ruins the mystique of a dark figure of the night when you could very well just be "Mike Downey, accounting and data entry expert".
• Some news pundits exposit that Gotham City is facing a surge in criminal activity during a massive heat wave:
  Linkara: I did quickly Google this, and... yes, apparently, there is a potential link between warmer weather and an increase in violent crime, though I couldn't tell you why; if I'm sweating my ass off with a high humidity and 97 degrees out, the last thing I want to do is anything strenuous. [beat] Is Gotham's problem this whole time just that it needs pools?
  • The pundits also explain that it has been ten years since Batman was last seen fighting crime:
    Pundit: Our younger viewers will not remember the Batman. A recent survey shows that most high schoolers consider him a myth.
    Linkara: [as the pundit] This opinion changed when he started a TikTok.
    Pundit: But real he was.
    Linkara: [as the pundit] Especially that time he fought Xenomorphs; that was the realest of all.
    Pundit: Even today, debate continues on the right and wrong of his one-man war on crime.
    Linkara: [as the pundit] And you are going to see that played out throughout this series!
• Bruce meets with Commissioner Gordon, who at this point knows about his double-life, and the two reflect on their former working relationship:
  Gordon: Spoken to Dick lately?
  Bruce: Not for seven years, Jim. You know that.
  Linkara: [as Batman] I just hope he doesn't get mutated into some kind of weird, shape-shifting Joker thing in a few years. [beat] Because that would be dumb.
• Bruce wanders into Crime Alley, where he gets ambushed by two Mutants; they have second thoughts when Bruce looks ready to fight back:
  Mutant: Can't do murders when they're into it—
  Linkara: That a regular occurrence for them? "Oh man, I wanted to do a murder, but you made it weird, dude! You made it weird!"
• Harvey Dent is shown having undergone facial reconstruction surgery and psychological rehabilitation thanks to the efforts of Dr. Bartholomew Wolper...
  Pundit: ...while Nobel Prize-winning plastic surgeon Dr. Herbert Willing dedicated himself to restoring the face of Harvey Dent.
  Linkara: [snaps] Of course! That's what brings Batman out of retirement: the return of One-Face!
  • Gordon has reservations about Harvey's changes, but Bruce gives a public address endorsing the procedure that he funded:
    Bruce: The commissioner is an excellent cop— but, I think, a poor judge of character. We must believe in Harvey Dent.
    Linkara: [as Batman] Ooh, someone should make that a campaign slogan for him or something...
    Bruce: We must believe that our private demons can be defeated...
    Linkara: [as Batman] Especially if those demons are telling you to dress up like a bat and fight crime. Not that I'd know anything about that! I'm not Batman!
• Bruce recounts a nightmare of his younger self falling into a cave and confronting a giant bat:
  Bruce: [thinking] Surely the fiercest survivor—the purest warrior...
  Linkara: BEHOLD! The purest warrior! [shows a video of a baby fruit bat suckling on a pacifier]
  • Later, Alfred finds Bruce brooding in the Batcave, with one notable alteration:
    Alfred: Master Bruce. Whatever happened to your mustache?
    Linkara: [as Batman] <gasp!> Alfred! It's escaped!
• Bruce flips through the channels on his TV and comes upon a rerun of The Mark of Zorro, causing him to flash back to his parents' murder, complete with Joe Chill snapping Martha's pearl necklace while firing his gun:
  Linkara: Funny thing in case you didn't know: the pearls shouldn't drop individually to the ground like they do in a lot of media. Pearl necklaces have knots in between each pearl to keep them from scraping against each other and causing wear and tear. This only really makes sense if they're either fake pearls or a really cheap pearl necklace; either way, the Waynes were cheapskates.
• After Batman makes his return, Gordon lights up the Bat-Signal, attracting the attention of a young girl named Carrie Kelley while her parents get high and complain about Batman's fascistic methods:
  Linkara: Hmm, yeah, this is totally a real debate we're seeing. Frank Miller doesn't have any opinions about anything. What do you think, Garth Marenghi?
  Garth Marenghi: I know writers who use subtext, and they're all cowards.
• Batman interrupts the meeting of the Mutants at the city dump using a heavily-armored, tank-like Batmobile:
  Batman: [thinking] The Batmobile— That's what you called it, Dick. Kind of name a kid would come up with...
  Linkara: [as Batman] It was totally Dick's stupid idea, not mine! I would never come up with something so stupid for it! [beat] Just imagine if, like, a... a twelve-year-old made fun of it or something.
  • The Mutant leader has none of it, of course, and demands Batman fight him man-to-man, or risk being called a coward:
    Batman: [thinking] I feel the empty seat beside me and once again I think of you, Dick... I look at the one creature who isn't wounded or hiding... ...We never faced anything like this... We only fought humans...
    Linkara: Ah yes, some muscly asshole with sharp teeth who apparently talks like Mr. T; truly an enemy that Batman has never seen the like!
    • Batman finds himself tempted to just shoot the Mutant leader with the Batmobile's cannon and end this "evil [he] never dreamed of":
      Linkara: Darkseid is sitting on a couch somewhere watching this and being like, "Really? This is all that was needed to intimidate you people? Wow, I've been trying too hard..."
• Linkara points out how Frank Miller drew Batman in one panel in a way that looks less like he's leaping out of his vehicle, and more like he's sneaking Bugs Bunny-style; this is followed by Linkara imitating said sneaking while one of his cats watches.
• At the White House, Ronald Reagan orders Superman to talk to Batman and convince him to quell the unrest springing up in his wake:
  Linkara: [as Reagan] I'd do it myself, but the damn Congress decided that Reagan's Raiders needed to retire too to set an example.
• Carrie, now inducted as Batman's newest Robin, attempts to infiltrate the Mutants by dressing like them and mimicking their speech patterns:
  Linkara: I mean, I suppose Batman could try to do it, but it'd probably be just him in the Batsuit and the weird Cyclops glasses going, "How do you do, fellow kids?"
• Thanks to Batman's influence, the Mutant leader is set free and lured into a sewage pipe leading to the West River:
  Linkara: In an ironic twist, it turns out the Mutant leader was Andy Dufresne.
  • After a long, drawn-out fight in the mud, Batman manages to incapacitate the Mutant leader, ending the Mutant threat once and for all:
    Batman: You don't... get it, boy... This isn't a mudhole... ...It's an operating table. And I'm the surgeon.
    Dr. Cox: Let's face it; it's just not that tough to float to the top of the surgical toilet.
• The third issue begins with Bruce disguised as an old woman while a female neo-Nazi, Bruno, and two of her goons hold up a convenience store:
  Old Woman Bruce: Thief! You're a thief! Sebbin Lebbin sells this for two-fifty!
  Linkara: This isn't even him secretly trying to fight crime; Bruce just hates it when Alfred asks him to do the grocery shopping, and wants the freedom to rant and rave in public without being recognized.
• Superman and Batman finally meet out in the open, with Superman posing on some rocks:
  Batman: [thinking] There's just the Sun and the sky and him, like he's the only reason it's all here. Then he ruins everything by talking.
  Linkara: [as Superman] Bruce, do you ever feel... you know... not so fresh?
  • Clark begs Bruce to tone down his vigilante activities before he's forced to intervene:
    Bruce: When that happens, Clark— may the best man win.
    Linkara: [as Batman] Which will be me, because I am the night, and you are powered by the Sun, and the Sun is not around at night. Checkmate. Or mahjong.
    Linkara: [as Superman] One, that doesn't make any sense. Two, moonlight is just sunlight reflecting off of its surface. I'm still powered by the Sun at night.
    Linkara: [as Batman] I hate you, Clark...
• While Superman engages with a squadron of Soviet jets over the island of Corto Maltese, he reflects on how humanity came to distrust superheroes and how his fellow heroes either quit or left Earth:
  Superman: [thinking] Diana went back to her people.
  Linkara: [as Superman] And then in the sequel, we got together and started banging. [beat] Unless you count ASBAR as in-continuity, in which case, we were always banging. [beat] And humanity was always distrustful of us. [beat] ASBAR is bad.
• After the Joker causes some chaos at the county fair, Batman chases after him, thinking about how tempting it is to finally end his life after spending countless nights planning every conceivable method:
  Batman: [thinking] From the beginning, I knew... ...that there's nothing wrong with you... ...that I can't fix... ...with my hands...
  Linkara: [as Batman] As a licensed massage therapist, I could cure your homicidal insanity, if you'd just let me!
• The pundits report on a nuclear warhead being launched during Superman's fight over Corto Maltese, when they're suddenly interrupted:
  Pundit: Thanks for the data, Dan, but we'll know soon enough what it can do. Right now, we've got author Harlan Ellison in the studio...
  Linkara: [as Harlan Ellison] W-W-What is wrong with you idiots?! I'm a writer! Why are you interviewing me instead of reporting on the goddamn nuke?! Also, you haven't paid me yet to be here, and until the check clears, I'm just going to sit here and insult you some more. [beat] Then when the check clears, I'll insult you a slightly smaller amount.
• The nuke causes a blackout in Gotham, forcing Batman and Robin to ride on horseback to intercept the Sons of Batman before they can march on the city; Batman takes an S.O.B. member's shotgun and snaps it in half:
  Batman: This is the weapon of the enemy. We do not need it. We will not use it.
  Linkara: [as Batman] My weapons are small projectiles shaped like bats. Or high-tech tanks that shoot rubber bullets. [beat] Totally not guns.
  Batman: Our weapons are quiet—precise.
  [Blinking in shock before grinning, Linkara snaps his fingers and plays a montage of all the dialogue lines and skits he performed where Batman was decidedly NOT quiet and precise, naturally set to "Combine Harvester"]
  Batman: In time, I will teach them to you. Tonight, you will rely on your fists— and your brains.
  Linkara: [as Batman] Hit people with your brain as much as possible! It is both quiet and precise!
  Batman: Tonight, we are the law. Tonight, I am the law.
  Judge Dredd: I am... the law!
• With the government up in arms over Batman's actions in Gotham, Superman sends Batman a message asking where they should have their battle, with Batman choosing Crime Alley; after Superman immobilizes the Batmobile, Batman dons a suit of armor and prepares to fight:
  Batman: [thinking] More wind. Now he's talking— trying to reason with me. I can't hear him, of course... ...No, my ears are protected—
  Linkara: [as Superman] Bruce, I've thought it over, and I've decided to join forces with you. Together, we can— W-W-Wait, wait, why are you attacking me?!
  • Batman's monologue reveals the source of his hatred of Superman:
    Batman: [thinking] You sold us out, Clark. You gave them — the power — that should have been ours. Just like your parents taught you to.
    Linkara: [as Batman] Damn farmers, always giving up power!
    Batman: [thinking] My parents... taught me a different lesson...
    Linkara: [as Batman] That rock and roll was the enemy of all mankind.
    Batman: [thinking] —Lying on this street — shaking in deep shock — dying for no reason at all— They showed me that the world only makes sense when you force it to...
    Linkara: Spoken like a pessimistic autocrat... Or like a Justice Lord, really, for those who like the Timmverse.
    Batman: [thinking] —It's way past time you learned — what it means — to be a man—
    Linkara: [as Superman] That's where you're wrong, Bruce! I AM A MAN! *punch*
    Linkara: [as Batman] OW! Clark, that's not how that works! Being a man means getting punched in the face by a rich guy!
• After his "funeral", Bruce meets up with Robin, the Sons of Batman, and Green Arrow in the Batcave to begin training, studying, and planning for what comes next:
  Bruce: [thinking] It begins here— an army— to bring sense to a world plagued by worse than thieves and murderers...
  Linkara: Oh, goody, he's forming a militia group; that's so much better.
  Bruce: [thinking] This will be a good life... ...Good enough.
  Linkara: [as Bruce] As long as there aren't any terrible or just okay sequels, anyway!

647: Ultimate Power #7-8

• Linkara begins the review by revealing that the final author for this miniseries is Jeph Loeb, who also authored two other Ultimate Marvel stories he looked at — The Ultimates 3 and Ultimatum:
  Linkara: Batting three for three on crappy Ultimate Universe crossovers. Impressive.
• Linkara simmers with rage at how Greg Land continues to trace his drawings and completely mess up two characters fighting (in this case, Iron Man fighting Doctor Doom):
  Linkara: It's just issue after issue of people going... [pantomimes a rotating selection of Land's "go-to" poses]
• On the Helicarrier, Spider-Man angrily demands that Nick Fury tell him why Doom decided to show up:
  Spider-Man: What's Doc Doom doing here?
  Fury: Kicking some serious ass as far as I can tell.
  Linkara: [as Fury] Despite being panicky and worried about it last issue, I am suddenly elated that he's beating up my side! [gives a thumbs-up] I'm such a great character in this!
  • Fury reveals that he enlisted Doom's help to reconfigure Reed's probe to send information back to S.H.I.E.L.D. before Reed, said deal being struck over a background traced from the bridge of the USS Enterprise:
    Fury: Look. I don't like you being here.
    Linkara: [as Fury] The instant you figure out warp drive technology, the Federation is doomed.
    Doomkara: HA! Doom approves of the pun on his name!
    Linkara: [as Fury] That was accidental.
    Doomkara: You presume that Doom cares.
    • Fury's flashback concludes with a panel featuring Hyperion pointing at Reed (behind the panel):
      Hyperion: Reed Richards.
      Linkara: [as Hyperion, pointing at the camera] Does this bug you? I'm not touching you.
• Spidey takes the opportunity to sum up what Fury just told him:
  Spider-Man: That Hyperion dude and his merry band dropped by and kicked the crap out of us... ...all because of something they think Reed did... ...but really it was Doom?!
  Linkara: Spoilers for the next few pages, but... nope! Doom's not even responsible for this, either! It looks like Doom didn't even do anything to the probe beyond what he was contracted for! The main villain for your big crossover is, in fact, fairly inconsequential to the whole thing! Maybe because there were three writers on this story, they all gave, like, a third of the effort they normally bring!
• On Earth-31916, Emil Burbank (the Supreme Power version of Lex Luthor) explains his motivations to Reed after knocking him out:
  Burbank: Imagine living your whole life thinking the universe was one way.
  Linkara: [as Burbank] Then you find out what really goes into Arby's horsey sauce, and nothing makes sense anymore.
  Burbank: Wasn't the world once believed to be flat?
  Linkara: Haha! "Once"! [laughs] It's not funny; it's just really depressing!
  Burbank: Or don't they have a "Columbus" where you're from?
  Linkara: I don't know; does your Earth have Aristophanes? [shrugs] Just seems like someone who's supposed to be so smart wouldn't be so dumb...
  Burbank: I mean, a universe that doesn't have an "Emil Burbank" just chills me...
  Linkara: [as Burbank] A world without gloating speeches to unconscious people? Perish the thought!
• Back on the Helicarrier, Spidey continues to berate Fury:
  Spider-Man: Pardon me for not being the super-dooper James Bondy that you are, Fury— —but didn't anybody at spy school ever tell you when you put the fox in charge of the henhouse— —all you get is chicken salad?
  Linkara: [as Fury] Yes, but only because I took an elective in farm espionage.
  Fury: We took a chance, yeah.
  Enrico Marini: Yeah.
  Linkara: A chance for what?! Let's say this plan even worked; whoop-de-crap! Now you know more about a parallel universe a slightly longer time than Reed Richards does! Congrats; it makes this whole thing worth it!
  • Fury attempts to explain himself:
    Fury: Look, Mr. Parker, I know you think that because I have one eye I can't see— —but I have been doing this job longer than you've been alive.
    Linkara: [as Fury] I've been making stupid decisions since before you were born!
    Fury: And one of the things I've learned is if you've got a fox in your chicken house— —get a bigger dog.
    Linkara: [as Fury] It'll kill the chickens much faster.
• Meanwhile, Quicksilver wakes up Scarlet Witch and formulates a plan to deal with the Squadron, but Wanda is hesistant:
  Scarlet Witch: My power is unpredictable enough, but here — on whatever world this is in, whatever Universe...
  Linkara: [as the Scarlet Witch] I could end up making a sitcom starring me, and you could be played by someone else!
• Thanks to Wanda, the mainline Squadron Supreme is brought into the Ultimate Universe, and they soon find themselves battling the Ultimate X-Men:
  Wolverine: What the hell are you made of?
  Earth-712 Hyperion: Righteousness.
  Wolverine: Oh. You're one of those people.
  Linkara: [as Wolverine] I bet that you think we should be fighting supervillains instead of other heroes!
  • While all this is going on, Doom and Iron Man continue their fight:
    Doom: I've claimed this Earth for myself, Stark. When you fall, it will follow.
    Iron Man: Not much of a plan, Doom, since I'm not going down.
    Doomkara: Doom's plan of taking over this planet by virtue of just being here is a great one, Stark! Doom is a magnificent bastard! He read Doom's book!
• On the Helicarrier, Spidey continues to press Fury on why he's sending the Hulk into an already-messy situation:
  Fury: Don't they teach you anything in high school?
  Spider-Man: Hey, I go to public school. We're lucky to have books.
  Edna Krabappel: The only books we have are ones that were banned by other schools.
  Fury: When two sides are too evenly matched, introduce a third element that will unite them all. Strategy 101.
  Linkara: How about "Idiocy 101", where the Hulk kills them all, or they defeat the Hulk and then just go back to fighting each other anyway, or they don't unite to fight him because the situation is weird and complicated and nobody knows what's going on and just assume he's yet another person on either player's side?!
  Spider-Man: What if he — y'know — starts eating people?
  Linkara: SERIOUSLY! WHAT THE HELL WAS UP WITH THE ULTIMATE UNIVERSE AND CANNIBALISM?!
  Fury: That's why you're going with him. Be his conscience. Y'know. Like Jimmy Cricket.
  Spider-Man: It's "Jiminy." Didn't they teach you anything in high school?
  Linkara: I mean, with Disney acquiring everything else on the planet, I'm sure at some point, they'll own schools that teach about the Disney Canon.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Linkara: We see this image of Emil making the biomass. Actual footage of how Wendy's makes a Frosty.

648: PATREON: Batman: The Dark Knight #23.4

• Linkara's initial attempt to explain the big problem with this issue:
  Linkara: How to describe this book? Well, according to my script here, I— [gets a papercut] Ow! The edge!
• Linkara goes over the issue's cover, and he is forced to explain the bit of Joker's flesh over Duela Dent's face:
  Linkara: ...Yeah, and the edginess of this book starts out with a minor detail I need to explain. That mask? It's literally the Joker's face, which he had another villain cut off of him in the first issue of the New 52 Detective Comics. [beat] You may begin making Face/Off jokes at your leisure.
• The story begins with a woman in a hood exploring a cave:
  Captions: Gotham City isn't the kind of town a girl from suburbia usually ventures to, let alone ventures under.
  Linkara: [as the woman] But this is where that guy from Craigslist said he was selling the TV, so here I am.
  Captions: Too dark, too scary. A mugger's paradise.
  Linkara: [as the woman] And yet, property taxes are still way too expensive down here.
  Captions: Even Gotham's so-called protector Batman is terrifying.
  Linkara: [as Batman] Alfred! I discovered that guy was cheating at mahjong! Let's go over there and mock him for it!
  • The woman, Duela Dent, explains to a passing cat how she got to the caves in the first place:
    Duela Dent: He snuck up and mailed it, with an arrow pointing below the city. Wall-Eyed Billy, he wrote: "Don't like the world you're in? There's a better one down under."
    Linkara: Boy, is she going to be disappointed to learn that she does not know the difference between Gotham City and Sydney, Australia.
    • Linkara admits that when he first skipped through the book, he thought Duela was trying to drown the cat:
      Linkara: And as someone who has always had cats, if she had tried to do so, I would've had to stop the review early so I could track down every copy and SET THEM ON FIRE.
• Duela continues to think to herself as she travels through "The Nethers", a flooded area of Gotham's underground that has a good number of people living in it:
  Captions: Nethers is a flooded world. Bloated water-soaked beds from the homes of people who lived in the town before it was flooded. Creepy everyday tableaus, like someone just got up from watching TV to get a snack.
  Linkara: [as Duela] Ironically, many of those snacks were powdered "just add water" concoctions.
  Captions: I saw a photo once, after a volcano. A couple still hugging in death, covered in ash. The people of Nethers were frozen in whatever everyone was doing when the water came.
  Linkara: [as Duela] I'd hate to be the guy who was looking up weird porn when it happened...
  Captions: This place is haunted. Haunted by all the families that lived here before the end. One big graveyard. I feel right at home.
  Linkara: [as Duela] I've already got a rent-to-buy option going on a little cottage; best part is, every house is lakefront property!
  Captions: Anything would be better than the boring world above. The only thing that matters up there is what you look like.
  Mike Nelson: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you?
• Duela surfaces in a large cave containing a makeshift village:
  Duela: Be nice to find a book to read. Only way I survived my idiot parents was to hide in books.
  Linkara: [as Duela] Admittedly, they were 60's knock-knock joke books, but still, they were full of thinking.
  Duela: They all look so happy up here. They all have mates.
  Linkara: [as Duela] That guy's mating with a pencil box right now; he looks so happy.
  • Later, Duela hides from a couple of kids who decide to throw rocks at her:
    Duela: Those boys make fun of anyone who's alone. They'll drive us out if I don't find a mate. But I don't want one.
    Linkara: So, it's a society built around Tinder?
• After finding Joker's face in the water and mistaking it for her own, Duela reflects on her past, which contains more than a few harmful stereotypes:
  Captions: I was gaunt, pale, hollow-eyed—as erotic as bones.
  Linkara: Clearly, you've never been on the Internet; the phrase "jump your bones" has plenty of literal fans out there.
  Captions: Ugly is beautiful, I thought. Ugly is the new beautiful.
  Linkara: [as Duela] So naturally, I modeled myself after Baron Harkonnen from David Lynch's Dune.
• Duela picks up the Joker's face after examining it more closely:
  Duela: It's a mask. Wait, it's not just a mask, it's flesh.
  Linkara: How do you know that?
  Duela: This is a— a face! Oh. Oh, my God. It's the Joker.
  Linkara: HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!
  Duela: He lost his face?
  Grimm: Ooh, faced!
  Duela: I need this. I want it. With this face I can get everything I want.
  Linkara: [as Duela] That cosplay contest prize is mine!
• After attaching the Joker's face to her own, Duela comes upon a couple cooking a rat:
  Captions: A couple, roasting a rat. Domestic bliss. She turns the meat on the spit. She cleans his plate. She multitasks, he does nothing. The man sits back fat while the woman is lean.
  Linkara: [as Batman] You see?! I told you a rat-based diet was healthy! I don't know what Dick's problem is!
  • Duela, sensing an opportunity, attacks the man, who seems oddly nonchalant about the whole thing:
    Duela: Who rules the Nethers? A man, I presume?
    Linkara: Yeah, you... go, girl... I guess...? [beat] What the hell am I supposed to be feeling about this?!
    Man: Charon. He gives passage to anyone that escapes.
    Linkara: [as the man] On an unrelated note, OH GOD, MY FACE! IT HURTS! IT HURTS SO MUCH! MY FACE! IT'S SO MUCH PAIN!
• Duela eventually finds Charon, briefly fighting him. Charon offers her mercy, but she refuses:
  Charon: What horrible thing happened to you, to make you this way?
  Linkara: [as Charon] Being willing to die instead of live a horrible life? What new spore of madness is this?!
• Duela gives her backstory to Charon, poorly trying to portray her relationship with her parents as loving and caring when it was anything but:
  Charon: You're trying so hard to convince me you were a happy child, but your story hurts my heart.
  Linkara: And this story hurts my brain, so I think we're even.
  Charon: Hung a bird? Trapped a spider? Squirmed under the knife? That's your idea of happy? Become one of us. I'll take you on as a mate myself, if no one else will.
  Linkara: [as Charon] Join us, and together, we will have matching penny jackets.
• The comic ends with Duela becoming the new leader of the tribe after exiling Charon and vowing to show the world what happens "when ugly takes over":
  Linkara: [extremely deadpan] Wow, I can't wait to read the Catwoman issues this ties into. Whoo...
• The post-credits stinger:
  Charon: She's making you ugly to control you. Just like the Joker did on the inside.
  Linkara: [as an orderly] Hey, Steve! The patients are trying to all be ugly so the Joker can control them again! [beat] Man, we really are the worst hospital on Earth, aren't we?!

649: Just Imagine Stan Lee Creating Aquaman

• The story begins with a man named Ramon Raymond talking to a woman named Amelia about his passion for the sea:
  Ramon: People should think more about the seas all around us, Amelia.
  Linkara: [as Ramon] I mean, is no one even wondering why my chemistry work desk is in the middle of water? It's weird!
  Linkara: Yeah, yeah, artistic license.
  Amelia: Well, everyone isn't a wound-up environmentalist like you, lover.
  Ramon: But it's so important! Most of our planet is covered by water!
  Linkara: [as Ramon] And yet, none of it pays taxes!
  • Ramon continues:
    Ramon: Y'know, Amelia, sometimes I suspect my work bores you.
    Amelia: It's not your work, honey. It's the fact that you talk about it all the time.
    Linkara: [as Ramon] You're right; let's just watch a movie. I've got, uh, Deep Blue Sea, Jaws, Leviathan, The Meg...
    • Amelia bemoans how Ramon chooses to focus on his environmental activism instead of using his talents working for a company:
      Amelia: Then we could talk about the really important stuff— —like shopping and partying and going to romantic places.
      Linkara: [as Amelia] Preferably with your money instead of mine. I'm such a likeable character!
• Suddenly, a man bursts in and yells at them to freeze... but it's just Ramon's cop brother, Frank, handing him his cell phone he left on the deck:
  Linkara: Hahaha! It's funny because it's terrifying to think of a cop pointing a gun at you...
• Ramon tells Amelia that his experiments with water will earn him a Pulitzer Prize:
  Amelia: Ramon, Ramon, Ramon—It's a good thing I love you... ...'cause sometimes you sound like you're one shoe short of a pair!
  Ramon: You won't think that in a few days... ...after I show you the power of water!
  Linkara: Ramon became despondent when he learned that the Super Soaker had already been invented.
  Ramon: I promise, Amelia, it'll all make sense to you very soon.
  Amelia: That's what scares me! I hope what you've got isn't contagious!
  Ramon: If I'm right, my plan could change the world!
  Linkara: Oh boy! It turns out this is going to be a supervillain origin!
• The next evening, Ramon prepares to conduct his experiments, which involves injecting himself with the D.N.A. of various undersea creatures so he can breathe underwater:
  Twin Clone of Hitler: Of course. Don't you know anything about science?
  Linkara: You know, Ramon, this was a Sideshow Bob plan on a Simpsons episode! [beat] Oh, my God, that plot wasn't in a Treehouse of Horror episode; what the hell?
• Ramon prepares to show Amelia the results of his experiment, which he does by diving into the water and announcing he is "taking no oxygen supply":
  Linkara: Dude, your girlfriend has, like, three interests: buying crap, partying, and not talking about water! Maybe it's time to stop trying to make her guess stuff, and instead just come out and say what you mean!
  • As soon as he hits the water, though, Ramon begins to feel strange:
    Ramon: [thinking] Wha—? I don't get it! Why is the water glowing this way?
    Mike Nelson: Well, suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor!
    Ramon: [thinking] Just here— in this area— It's—a strange green color!
    Linkara: The government program to put chlorine in the ocean isn't going very well.
    • After avoiding a shark, Ramon looks at himself to find his entire body changed:
      Ramon: [thinking] The D.N.A.— The strange, green water— —They've turned me into— an undersea freak!!
      Linkara: Man, who knew that injecting yourself with the D.N.A. of other animals could lead to bad things?!
• After fruitlessly searching for the green water he swam through, Ramon makes out with Amelia as a group of pirates board their boat:
  Linkara: Oh no! Cockblock the Pirate!
• After rescuing Amelia using his new water powers, Ramon drives her home, eager to let her know what transpired:
  Ramon: [thinking] I'm bustin' to tell her what happened to me!
  Linkara: So, you're saying that bustin' would, in fact, make you feel good?
  • After testing out his powers at the aquarium and dubbing himself "Aquaman", Ramon comes to a realization:
    Ramon: [thinking] The best part is—I can become myself again with just a thought! But the worst part is— —I've turned myself into—a freak!
    Linkara: Okay, dude, this isn't like Ben Grimm; sure, your powers are kinda freaky-deaky, but you can control your appearance. It's not like you're in the water form 24/7 now and can't have a normal life anymore. You could always just never use this power again.
    Ramon: [thinking, slumped on the floor in a melodramatic pose] This isn't—what I had wanted...!
    Linkara: [as Ramon] I just wanted to mutate my body with animal D.N.A. so I could breathe underwater! Nothing freak-like about that!
• During Aquaman's first night fighting crime, Stan states that no caption of [his] could describe the action on the page, so he will take a breather. Linkara then points out that there were actually very few caption panels in the comic like that and wonders if Stan had actually written narration for the entire story only for the letterer to ignore almost all of them.
• After recovering from a shot to the leg, Frank stumbles into the Church of Eternal Empowerment, where Reverend Dominic Darrk is performing a sermon; he and his assistant Morgana sense Frank's presence in the audience and try to trap him:
  Dominic Darrk: With but a gesture, I freeze time itself. Let all be motionless as I unleash my mystic probe.
  Linkara: [as Darrk] Apparently, I can stop time, but I can't defeat any of the superheroes who have sprung up lately; go figure.
  • Morgana lifts her cloak to reveal her attire... an extremely impractical ensemble with a headdress that doubles as a brassiere and a collar and chain connected to a codpiece to help her robe cover up her lower half:
    Linkara: Just imagine Stan Lee creating a kink party!
    • They spare Frank, however, and he immediately tells Ramon and Amelia what he saw:
      Linkara: [as Frank] No, seriously, Ramon, she's, like, completely topless, but somehow, the thing on her head drapes down and covers her boobs! I'm joining that religion!
• After seeing Amelia to safety, Ramon senses a presence:
  Ramon: [thinking] Uh-oh! Why do I sense some coming danger? Kinda like the instinct of some fish.
  Linkara: Somehow, I don't think "my fish sense is tingling" is going to take off.
• The issue ends with Frank reflecting on the day's events:
  Frank: [thinking] Rob's happy as a lark!
  Linkara: Who the hell is Rob?
  Frank: [thinking] But there are forces out there—forces determined to capture him—and destroy him! Forces whose fate is somehow inexorably entwined with Aquaman's. Forces more powerful than anyone suspects!
  Linkara: [as Frank] Their sexy outfit technology is centuries ahead of ours!
• The post-credits stinger:
  Linkara: God, I wish there was a caption here to let me know if this was the next day! What time is it?!

650: PATREON: Sword Interval: Flashback Arc

• At the beginning of the episode, Linkara brings up his own experience in creating webcomics:
  Linkara: Hi, Lightbringer! People still bring you up to me to try to insult, demean, and embarrass me as if you weren't first made, like, fifteen years ago when I was 17 or 18, and when I was a very different, much stupider person. It's also done as some form of "gotcha" to me to indicate that I shouldn't be allowed to review things, because talented people have never made bad things ever, as this very show has demonstrated!
  • Linkara continues:
    Linkara: The point is, working in a creative medium like that without the expectation of being paid is done simply for its own sake. I eventually sated my creative desires with this show, from the critiquing side... [removes his glasses] to doing my own ego-stroking storyline where I play all the characters and know how to build robots and use magic, when in reality, I struggle with basic maintenance. [holds up a hammer upside-down] LOOK, SCREWDRIVERS ARE REALLY HARD TO USE, OKAY?!
• According to Linkara, the series takes place ten years after the Apocalypse... sort of:
  Linkara: Yeah, it turns out the end of the world is really just something that gets forgotten about by the next news cycle; no biggie.
  • As a result, monsters broke through to our dimension, but humanity managed to adapt, even building towns in the skeletons of giants:
    Linkara: I would hate to be the bar that's situated under a rib that decides to break off one day.
    • This particular arc is set up when the two protagonists, Fall Barros and David Shimizu, discuss why Fall became a monster hunter in the first place, focusing on why her eyes glow yellow:
      Linkara: Oh, that's just because she has a Goa'uld inside her.
• The flashback proper begins with Fall beating a dragon to death with a baseball bat:
  Linkara: Barros is a graduate of the Dorothy McShane School of Monster-Fighting.
  • A woman flings some kunai at Fall (who notably has only one yellow eye at this particular time), but Fall hesitates to continue the story:
    Fall Barros: This isn't the best place to start.
    Linkara: Well, you're wrong, because that is an awesome place to start!
• Fall properly begins her story with her cop parents, Zach and Marina, trying and failing to capture the series' Big Bad, the Hierophant, with the mother even losing a leg:
  The Hierophant: You keep the Earth on life support. You claim that you have any measure of control over your fate... That you are anything but a doomed race.
  Linkara: Big talk, coming from a skeleton; we make towns out of you, you know!
  • The hunter at the beginning of the arc, Alex Ivanova, tries to finish the job herself, but the Hierophant catches her and turns her hair white:
    Linkara: Ooh, he even got the roots, too! Magic is fun!
    • Eventually, Ivanova defeats the Hierophant by cutting off his head:
      The Hierophant: Aaah... Barros... I will be back... for your blood.
      Chief Wiggum: Oh, right. How are you gonna get him? Skeleton power?
• Months later, Zach takes Fall into the mountains to teach her how to shoot a gun, but she begins to have second thoughts:
  Zach Barros: Anything you want to do with your life, even if it scares you, your dad will always have your back.
  Linkara: Aww, that's sweet. [beat] So he's a dead man walking.
  • Meanwhile, Ivanova tries to convince Marina to join a monster-hunting organization named Atlas. When Zach and Fall return, Ivanova shows her an item called a dead man's compass, where putting a part of someone in it points the way back to that person:
    Linkara: They banned them after someone used it as part of an augmented reality game with some cows' milk; that farmer was really pissed.
    • As Zach and Marina prepare to go to a cabin in Oregon, the Hierophant suddenly shows up and kills them, finishing by altering Fall's left eye:
      Linkara: Turns out the Hierophant is just a really enthusiastic optometrist.
• Two weeks ago, Fall began a new job as an office temp, being called into her boss's office (which is, incidentally, filled with baseball memorabilia) to listen to him ramble on about corporate jargon when the dragon crashes through the window:
  Linkara: Man, Mondays, am I right?
  • It is revealed the dragon was actually carrying a girl in a Gothic Lolita oufit:
    Lolita Girl: My client's just after one little thing. So if someone could point us to Curtis Smith...
    Female Employee: H-his office is over there...
    Linkara: My God! She's after the baseball memorabilia!
• While Fall grabs a bat and hunts down the dragon, Fall's roommate's boyfriend, a sorcerer, tries to fight the girl, but is defeated when she takes his hair and turns it into a voodoo doll. When she questions how he could be so powerful, Fall arrives:
  Fall: Hey! What's that on your face?!
  Lolita Girl: Wha-
  Fall: [smacking the girl in the face with the bat] It's a BAT!
  Linkara: [as the girl, on his side and weakly raising an arm] Did... Did you get it...?
  • The girl recovers, restrains Fall, and tries to make a voodoo doll from Fall's hair, only for it to sprout eyes everywhere:
    Linkara: Aw geez, eyes are like lice; you need, like, five different kinds of shampoo for that.
    • Ivanova arrives to capture the girl, who she identifies as "the Stygian Medusa Mah Yun":
      Linkara: Also known as "What if the hair girl from Uzumaki became a supervillain?"
• It gets pointed out that dragons can only be fought with "legendary weapons", and the baseball bat, having been signed and used by a famous player, technically qualifies:
  Linkara: Good to know that in a pinch, my autographed photo of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 cast can be used to kill dragons!
  • After killing the dragon, Fall is overjoyed and declares that she's quitting her job and taking the bat:
    Linkara: Just as well; the blood on it kind of dropped its collector's value a bunch.
• It is revealed that the boyfriend was sent by Atlas to spy on her, and that his relationship with her roommate was just a ruse to keep up appearances:
  Linkara: Wooooow, and I thought Thanos was bad with relationships! You suck, dude!
• In the present day, Mah Yun arrives at a house situated in a field of sunflowers:
  Linkara: Oh God, she's at the house from Heroes in Crisis! Run, Mah Yun! This story is too good so far for you to be dragged into that crap!
  • The arc ends with Mah Yun entering the house to find the Hierophant, telling him that she has valuable information:
    Linkara: [as Mah Yun] And that information is... make sure you get paid in advance when working with dragons.

651: The Amazing Spider-Man NACME Series: Riot at Robotworld

• As it turns out, so many people sent Linkara copies of this book that he ended up selling a bunch at Half-Price Books.
• Linkara begins the review by praising the issue's cover, except for one particular area:
  Linkara: Mind you, the scale's a bit wonky for the buildings in the background. How far away is that Robotworld sign and entrance from the kids in front of it? Or is it actually just a tiny building? A Robotworld for ants, perhaps?
• The comic itself begins with a recap of Spider-Man's origin, with a spider getting caught in a radiation experiment and biting Peter Parker before it died:
  Linkara: [as the spider] Oh God, I'm dying! I better eat somebody!
  • The recap then describes the abilities Peter gained following the bite:
    Caption: He found that he now possessed the proportionate strength of a spider—that with the greatest of ease he could lift 40 times his own weight!
    Linkara: [as the caption] Which he proceeded to use for home renovation; in particular, staircases.
    Caption: A brilliant science student...
    Linkara: But only an average fighter student...
    Caption: ...Peter developed a set of wrist-worn web-shooters... which enable him to simulate the web-spinning abilities of the spider!
    Linkara: [as the caption] The early prototypes where these were shot from near his butt were quickly discarded.
• The story begins with Spidey having recently webbed up a purse-snatcher:
  Woman: Thanks for returning my purse, Spider-Man. My whole paycheck is in here!
  Linkara: [as the woman] And Mr. T hasn't been around to help protect people's paychecks from getting stolen since he went to work for a boxer.
  Spider-Man: Not to worry, ma'am. Your friendly neighborhood mugger up there apologizes and promises he'll never snatch another purse again. Isn't that right?
  Purse-Snatcher: Leph meef ougga hergh!!
  Spider-Man: Sounds sincere to me!
  Linkara: [as the woman] I'm pretty sure I heard him scream the F-bomb a few times in there...
  Linkara: [as Spider-Man] He's just that devoted to changing his ways; you've really gotta admire his passion.
• Spidey makes his way to Robotworld for a photo op, whose design borrows heavily from Disney's Epcot, including a geodesic sphere not unlike Spaceship Earth:
  Spider-Man: [thinking] At least I didn't have any trouble finding the place. Either this is Robotworld, or somebody hired Buckminster Fuller to build a new Yankee Stadium.
  Linkara: Eh, close; it's actually for Rollerball.
• After changing out of his costume, Peter meets with Ana Lopez, the project head at Robotworld (who Linkara decides to give the voice of Mrs. Wilson from the Tandy comics):
  Ana Lopez: Robotworld is more than just a theme park. It's a multi-million dollar complex that we hope will be a research and development center for future robotics.
  Linkara: [as Lopez] Let me show you the amazing things we're doing with advancements in Furby technology!
  Linkara: They use the theme park to improve robot designs.
  Lopez: That, and to educate the public about the important role robotics plays in everyday life.
  Linkara: It's true, you know; my life is certainly made better with the presence of robots.
  Pollo: [off-camera] Taking the Cybermats on a road trip and borrowing your car for it!
  Linkara: You can't even steer it! You don't have arms!
  Pollo: [off-camera] Well, whose fault is that? Taking your wallet, tooooo!
  Linkara: Hey!
  • Lopez then introduces Peter to three kids also coming along on the tour — Carlos Garcia, Lester "Les" Mitchell, and Maria Begay:
    Lopez: They've each won a national essay contest on the uses of robots in everyday life.
    Linkara: [as Carlos] I'm building an artificial intelligence system! [whispering] I'm calling it Skynet!
• The group begins the tour:
  Peter: I don't want to seem like a dope or anything, Ana, but let's start with the basics: what exactly is a robot?
  Linkara: [as Peter] I don't want to seem like a dope, so let me ask a very stupid question.
  • Ana allows Maria to answer, since she tackled that question in her essay:
    Maria: In the broadest sense, a robot is any device that performs a physical task that used to be done by people.
    Linkara: Damn flashlights, replacing all the humans who used to make burning torches!
• The group continues to an exhibit on humanoid robots:
  Carlos: Hey! I saw this movie.
  Linkara: [as Carlos] Not sure why the Gaston villain prequel movie had robots in it, but it did make it better!
  • Next, they look at mobile robots:
    Lopez: Mobile robots, like this one, are used in hospitals to free medical personnel from labor intensive duties like food service, allowing nurses to spend more time caring for patients.
    Linkara: [as Lopez] Then they break down, and the for-profit health insurance industry forces the patient to pay for it if it happens in their room!
• While the group goes off to look at the dinosaur exhibit, the humanoid robot suddenly activates:
  Robot: I UNDERSTAND— —ALL FLESH MUST DIE!!
  Linkara: This is a weird remake of Westworld.
  Robot: ASSEMBLY ROBOTS NOW RECONFIGURED TO PRODUCE WEAPONS TO DESTROY HUMANS...
  Linkara: Oh no! The hospital robot is going to use those food trays as weapons!
  • The same thing happens in the Dinoland exhibit, with the T. rex robot also coming to life and attacking the humans:
    Linkara: "Build the next Jurassic World theme park with robot dinosaurs," they said! "It'll be safer than the clones," they said!
    Boy: I wanted to go to "Six Flags," but nooo!
    Linkara: [as the boy] I could've been riding Green Lantern: First Flight right now! That thing's always reliable!
• Peter, Lopez, and the others eventually find themselves being attacked by the robots:
  Lopez: Impossible! These machines are doing things that they aren't designed to do. That they can't do!
  Linkara: [as Lopez] That one's writing poetry about Vietnam, and that one's making a new Mountain Dew flavor!
  • Lopez tries to disable the robots:
    Lopez: —All robots have an emergency stop button I just have to— The stop button! It's been removed!
    Linkara: Oh, sorry about that; it's easier to put the decals on when it's removed.
    • A robot manages to capture Lopez, but Peter frees her while the robot continues doing whatever it's been programmed to do:
      Linkara: Great; you build robots to replace humans, and they still can't do the job right!
• Peter runs off to change into Spider-Man while telling the group that he has to "get more film":
  Peter: [thinking] "Get more film?" That's got to be the lamest excuse for slipping away I've ever come up with.
  Linkara: [as Peter] Ugh, between that and me not knowing what robots are, I'm really having an off day! What, did that purse-snatcher escape and rob that lady again?!
  • Spidey manages to take care of the robot T. rex rather easily, by webbing up its mouth and then ripping its head off:
    Linkara: God, no wonder we couldn't have the Transformers be part of the Marvel Universe; Spidey would've just ripped Grimlock's head off to end his brief time as leader!
    • He then takes down two robots that bear a striking resemblance to R2-D2 and C-3PO:
      Linkara: I'm barely kidding here; they're obvious parodies of them, which is... kind of hilarious, because then, you have to imagine Threepio going on a killing spree. He would, too; if we get another few movies, I fully expect him to finally snap. And hey, what the hell were the two doing that made you need to kick them, Spidey?
      Spider-Man: And where do you two think you're going? Haven't you heard of the Three Laws of Robotics?
      Linkara: Well, considering they come from a galaxy far, far away... probably not, dude.
• Lopez and the kids come up with a plan to send a signal from the control room to shut down all the robots at once and put them into maintenance mode:
  Maria: Like using the remote to shut off the T.V.
  Linkara: [snaps] Of course! A remote control device is exactly like a remote control device!
  • Upon entering the control room, the group discovers the mastermind behind the attacks — Ultron! The voice Linkara gives him is... different than what one might have expected:
    Ultron: You dare presume to order me? Ha! Ha! Pitiful, fleshy vessel. Do you not know? I am Ultron! The next ruler of this planet!
    Linkara: Why do you sound like Starscream?
    Linkara: [as Ultron] Because that's just how Linkara always thought I would sound like before he saw me elsewhere!
    Linkara: Just seems like you should sound like James Spader, because that was the version that was in the MCU.
    Linkara: [as Ultron, with James Spader's voice] Well, with the benefit of hindsight...
    • Lopez, unafraid of Ultron, asks what's stopping her from shutting him off:
      Ultron: Very little, aside from these animatronics from your "Robots in the Movies" display.
      Linkara: Unfortunately, this turns out to just be Huey and Dewey from Silent Running.
• Spidey arrives and rescues the group by punching the Terminator's head clean off:
  Linkara: Man, why the hell are John Connor and the human resistance having such a problem with the machines? Apparently, they're built like crash test dummies!
  Spider-Man: —In the sequel, you play the good guy!
  Linkara: [as Spider-Man] And in the sequels after that... it's increasingly disappointing.
• After defeating Ultron, the kids congratulate Lopez and think extremely highly of engineers:
  Lopez: This wasn't exactly a typical day on the job...
  Linkara: [as Lopez] Normally, we only have to deal with the Mole Man.
  Lopez: ...but problem-solving, like what we did today, is an important part of any kind of engineering.
  Linkara: [as Lopez] As is the part where you hit your head repeatedly against the wall when it turns out the solution to a problem is tiny and insignificant, and you should've noticed it hours ago.
  • Les states he wants to be an engineer, but his family can't afford to send him to college. Lopez suggests that he apply for a scholarship if his academics are up to snuff:
    Linkara: [as Lopez] And then enjoy paying off student loans for the rest of your life... and beyond!
    • The story ends with Spidey swinging off and thinking that studying will be easy compared to fighting Ultron:
      Linkara: At least as easy as ripping off a robot dinosaur's head!
• Linkara ends the review with an overall positive take on the comic... which is immediately soured when he reveals that the next episode will require him to review Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, specifically the Ultimate Edition:
  Linkara: [dejectedly] I miss the robot dinosaur already...

652: PATREON: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (Ultimate Edition)

• Linkara sets the tone for the review right away:
  Linkara: Hello and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. [beat] Welp, the comments section's gonna be fun on this one!
• Linkara questions the "v" in the film's title, which director Zack Snyder explains is to "keep it from being a straight 'versus' movie, even in the most subtle way":
  Linkara: That doesn't make any fricking sense! The centerpiece of the damn movie is them fighting, the supposed conflict between the two about how dangerous one or the other is! Plus, what the hell else is it supposed to stand for if not "versus"?! "Batman Vacuum Superman"? "Batman Vibrate Superman"? "Batman Vomit Superman"?!
  • Linkara continues:
    Linkara: There's a reason that every time this movie is mentioned, I call it "Batman v Superman: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack", because the last time I heard of a movie with a title as unwieldy and bizarre as that was the Godzilla film sporting that one while sharing the title with Mothra and King Ghidorah! Also, Baragon was there, too. I mean, I suppose they could've gone with a movie that had a worse title and called this "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Batman and Superman".
• Linkara decides to begin the review:
  Linkara: But at this point, let's just dig into the Ultimate Edition of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. [beat] And together, we can be justice.
• The movie begins with narration from Bruce:
  Bruce: There was a time above... A time before...
  Linkara: What time is it?!
  • We are then shown Bruce as a child watching his parents die and falling into the future Batcave, where he appears to be lifted into the air by the bats:
    Bruce: And the dream... They took me to the light...
    Linkara: [as Batman] My dreams also have a lot of credits in them.
• Bruce arrives in Metropolis during the battle between Superman and General Zod from the previous movie, and rescues a little girl caught in some rubble:
  Bruce: [to the girl] You know what? We're gonna find your mom. Where is she? [the girl points to a destroyed building across the street]
  Linkara: [as Batman] Oh, geez... Um... Uh... S-Say, how do you feel about the name "Robin"?
• Eighteen months later, Lois Lane arrives in the fictional African nation of Nairomi to interview a warlord. Tagging along is a replacement photographer, the DCEU's version of Jimmy Olsen; he's eventually discovered to be a CIA spy and is executed by the warlord, which Snyder describes as "having fun with him":
  Linkara: Really don't want to know what Snyder does with his weekends off if this is "fun"...
  • Things take a turn for the worse, however, when the mercenaries the warlord hired turn on him, killing his troops and burning their bodies. He takes Lois hostage and prepares to shoot when Superman arrives:
    Linkara: [as Superman] You know, Lois, you're... over there, and sometimes, "over there" needs to take care of its own—
    Linkara: [as Lois] JUST SHUT UP AND HELP ME ALREADY!!
• Meanwhile, in Gotham City, the police discover that Batman has returned and is now branding criminals:
  Linkara: [as Batman] I'm trying a new thing in an attempt to go viral. Everyone do the Bat-Brand Challenge!
• Lois finds an unusual bullet buried in her notebook, which she examines while taking a bath:
  Linkara: [as Lois] Clark, I've found evidence that— [drops the bullet] Ooh, down the drain it goes...
• While Bruce tries to uncover the link between the human traffickers he just dispatched and the mercenaries in Nairomi, Alfred shows him a newspaper talking about his branding:
  Alfred: New rules?
  Linkara: [as Batman] My God, Alfred... New safety regulations for Gotham's air?!
• Linkara demonstrates how repetitive the dialogue is by running a montage of all the times Superman is compared to God or Jesus Christ:
  Linkara: GEE, DO YOU THINK THAT SUPERHEROES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE GODS?! I CAN'T TELL! THEY'RE BEING SO SUBTLE ABOUT IT!
• Clark asks his boss, Perry White, to let him tackle the Batman story:
  Perry: "Crime wave in Gotham." Other breaking news: "Water, wet."
  Linkara: And the news would never be concerned with sensationalist stories about crime statistics and vigilantes!
  • Perry allows Lois to investigate whether the government is supplying the Nairomi rebels with weapons in D.C., while he assigns Clark to cover a charity benefit for the Library of Metropolis, as requested by a mysterious benefactor:
    Linkara: [as Perry] Dammit, Kent, I can't believe I'm giving this to you; I needed you to cover the weather report!
    Linkara: [as Clark] I thought you wanted me doing sports?
    Linkara: [as Perry] Look, I'm too busy to worry about the little details; just give me that science and tech story by the end of the day.
• Senator June Finch meets with Lex Luthor (Jr.) to let him know that she is blocking his import license to bring in the kryptonite:
  Luthor: "The red capes are coming... The red capes are coming!"
  Linkara: The annoying douchebag is here! The annoying douchebag is here!
  • Luthor thinks the hearings on Superman are pointless:
    Luthor: Can I call you June?
    Sen. Finch: You can call me whatever you like. Take a bucket of piss and call it "Granny's Peach Tea".
    Linkara: Or just call it by its proper name: Dr Pepper. [Linkara smiles while the crowd boos at him]
• Bruce jolts awake after having a nightmare involving a bat monster at his parents' tomb:
  Old Bruce: You have no idea what my nightmares are like.
  Linkara: [as Batman] They're mostly about giant bat creatures coming out of my mom's grave to eat me; I've got issues.
• After being invited to Luthor's mansion, Bruce stares intently at his Batsuit:
  Linkara: Bruce, I hate to say this, but I don't think you're going to win this staring contest.
• Bruce tells Alfred that he plans to steal the kryptonite from Luthor and use it against Superman, in order to prevent more innocent people from dying in his battles:
  Bruce: He has the power to wipe out the entire human race, and if we believe there's even a 1% chance that he is our enemy, we have to take it as an absolute certainty.
  Linkara: Wow! You're bad at math! Hey guys, if there's even a 1% chance that I could trip on a stair and fall and break my neck, we have to take it as an absolute certainty and never use stairs! If there's even a 1% chance that the bag of potato chips I'm eating could cause mild indigestion, then we have to take it as an absolute certainty and never eat chips! If there's even a 1% chance that this Pikachu plushie is planning to murder me in my sleep, then we have to take it as an absolute certainty that it will! [holds up said Pikachu plushie] DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE PLANNING, YOU SON OF A BITCH!! [throws the plushie]
• Linkara reaches the infamous scene where, as the Superman hearing begins, Sen. Finch notices a jar containing Luthor's urine labeled "Granny's Peach Tea" and realizes Luthor has successfully played her:
  Linkara: Ugh, welp... [cracks knuckles] Here we go!
  Linkara: Oh hey, the movie finally pissed itself.
  Linkara: You will believe a man can pee!
  Linkara: Man, where's the tie-in action figure of Lex Luthor and the pee jar?
  Linkara: Boy, Senator, you're in it now!
  Linkara: You know, some parts of the Superman mythos began in mediums outside the comics and then transitioned into them; somehow, I don't think the pee jar is going to do that.
  Linkara: I don't like Kooba Cola's new flavor...
  Linkara: Man, the ultimate troll would be if it actually was peach tea.
  Linkara: Ha... "Pee-ch" tea.
  Linkara: Lex Luthor as played by Pissy Eisenberg.
  Linkara: You know, we could've had proper Machiavellian Luthor; instead, we have his son, this little pissant.
  Linkara: Well, we may never see the pee tape, but as consolation, here's the pee jar.
  Linkara: This Lex Luthor is less Mark Zuckerberg and more Howard Hughes.
  Fat Grandma: Where the hell is my peach tea? I'm gonna sass somebody for this!
  Linkara: And today in "Things I Never Needed to Know": what Lex Luthor's urine looks like!
  Linkara: And finally...
  Linkara: Man, I want the timeline where Lex did all that work, made sure to get enough piss into that jar, sneak it inside, put it right there, turn it away so she can have the slow realization; he's watching from some secure location, and she never notices it. All that work down the drain. Like a toilet. Where his piss should've gone.
• After the explosion at the Capitol, Bruce receives a newspaper article detailing the destruction of Wayne Tower in Metropolis with the words "YOU LET YOUR FAMILY DIE" scrawled across it:
  Linkara: [as Batman] Huh, that's really suspicious, on top of how weird it is that he has an expensive, high-tech wheelchair despite rejecting all the checks I sent to him. I wonder if this warrants further investigation... [beat] Nah, I'm sure it'll work itself out!
• Linkara points out how ridiculously implausible Luthor's scheme in the movie is, with multiple variables needing to line up just right for it to have a chance at succeeding:
  Linkara: You know, Lex, I'm not a super-special genius like you, with rambly speeches about gods prepared, but here's a dumb idea: WHY NOT JUST MAKE SOME GODDAMN KRYPTONITE BULLETS AND SHOOT HIM?!
• The mystery woman at Luthor's party, revealed to be Diana Prince/Wonder Woman, receives some decrypted files from Bruce that show other potential metahumans, namely the Flash, Aquaman, and Cyborg. Linkara states he actually has no problem with this scene, except for one thing:
  Linkara: Although, if I have to criticize anything about it, Luthor designed little logos for them? Was he going to sell merchandise? [beat] The hell am I saying? Of course he was.
• After two hours of setup, we get to the titular fight between Batman and Superman, and Linkara notices an intriguing detail:
  Linkara: The fight itself is fine. I honestly think it's well-shot and dramatic, and it's got debris! I love me some debris in fight scenes! First Matrix movie, lobby fight? Debris everywhere. Matrix sequels? Considerably less debris. Worse movies. Coincidence? Maybe. Think about it.
  • Batman manages to win and prepares to strike Superman with his kryptonite spear:
    Batman: You were never a god. You were never even a man.
    Linkara: [as Batman] Some kind of hamster, maybe? I don't know. Look, I was standing out in the rain for, like, three hours waiting for you; I'm not all here right now.
    • This, of course, leads to the other infamous scene in the movie — "Save Martha!", where Batman finally recognizes Superman as a person and loses the will to kill him... because their mothers share the same first name:
      Linkara: [as Batman] Oh, boy. Um, this is awkward. Um... It's a tie!
• Following their fight, Superman goes to confront Luthor while Batman takes flight with the Batwing to rescue Martha Kent, blowing up some mercenaries on the way:
  Linkara: [as Batman] I've had quite the epiphany; from now on, no more killing people... starting tomorrow. Ha! Car go boom!
• Luthor unleashes his backup plan, Doomsday, who quickly shows the ability to take almost anything thrown at him from both the military and Superman. While Superman carries Doomsday into space, the military decides to launch a tactical nuke at them both:
  Linkara: Jumping the gun a bit, aren't you? This thing's taken down all of a couple helicopters! Just feels like the response is a bit out of proportion. But hey, if they didn't do that, we couldn't slip in another Dark Knight Returns reference with Superman getting nuked; I mean, we're already in the middle of adapting/homaging another storyline with Doomsday thrown in here, so why not? It's the Reese's peanut butter cup of adaptations.
  • Batman discovers that since Doomsday is Kryptonian, the kryptonite spear can affect him, so he lures Doomsday back to where he left it as Superman revives himself by absorbing the sunlight:
    Linkara: [as Superman] Now I'm radioactive! That feels pretty good!
• Linkara begins to quickly grow tired of the film:
  Linkara: Ugh... The movie is so boring to me! I don't care about Batman. I don't care about Doomsday. I don't care about anything that's happening here, and I just— [Wonder Woman suddenly appears alongside her electric cello-heavy theme] JESUS CRIMINY! OKAY, MOVIE, YOU GOT ME! I'M SUDDENLY INVESTED!

653: PATREON: Transformers/Ghostbusters #1-5: "Ghosts of Cybertron"

• The crossover begins as any Transformers series usually does:
  Caption: The planet Cybertron has been in the grips of civil war for as long as its population can remember.
  Linkara: [as the caption] Which isn't actually that long, since they all recently cleared their cache.
  Caption: Two factions— the Autobots and the Decepticons— used every means at their disposal to gain an edge.
  Linkara: [as Megatron] Decepticons! I have rigged the talent show so that we emerge triumphant!
• Gozer, in Transformer form, arrives and orders the Decepticons to "choose the form of their destruction". Gozer then declares the choice has been made, and Megatron is furious when he discovers the culprit was Starscream:
  Starscream: It was just a fleeting thought! I wondered what could possibly be mighty enough to destroy Cybertron, and—
  Galvatron: [in a poor Unicron disguise] This is Unicorn! The Earth will soon be a part of me!
• Upon seeing the giant Starscream, Megatron sounds the call to defend Cybertron... only for a message to pop up that says "Cybertron... was destroyed. As were the Decepticons who called it home.", accompanied by the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme:
  Linkara: I'm not even kidding; this is an actual page of the comic. I love it.
• We are then introduced to the Autobot Ectotron, or rather, "Ectronymous Diamatron", who takes pride in his name and title and doesn't like the others shortening it because it's a minor tongue-twister:
  Linkara: I mean, in a metaphorical sense. Do Transformers even have tongues, and—? [shows a panel from the infamous Transformers: Kiss Players] OH, GOD, NO!!
• On Earth, the Ghostbusters encounter Starscream's spark, who claims he's here to talk to Ectotron (who has taken the form of Ecto-1), but they bust him and seal him in a trap:
  Linkara: Somewhere, Megatron is watching these events unfold and declaring that busting makes him feel good.
  Venkman: Two ghosts on a one-ghost call!
  Linkara: Peter, that is not the correct line, and I will not stand for this Ghostbusters II erasure. [snaps his fingers]
  Stantz: Two in the box!
  Spengler: Ready to go!
  Venkman: We be fast...
  Venkman, Stantz, and Spengler: ...and they be slow!
• After talking with Starscream about how his spark got to Earth, the group is attacked by a Kremzeek; Venkman throws a trap at it, but it manages to overload the trap and escape:
  Linkara: It's your own fault, Peter; the thing has a low catch rate. You've got to at least weaken it and paralyze it first, maybe use an Ultra Ghost Trap.
  • After Ectotron dispels the Kremzeek, the Ghostbusters decide to help Ectotron repair his communicator in exchange for a ride home, so they can help Starscream regain his body:
    Ectotron: I just know Optimus Prime will find this all very interesting. In fact— —I bet he'll want to come and look into things for himself!
    Starscream: [whispering] Fools.
    Linkara: [as Ectotron] What was that, Starscream?
    Linkara: [as Starscream] I-I said, uh, the-the... fool-selage! Yes, I-I can't wait to have a fuselage again, because I'm a plane and that's an aircraft's body, so I can... take humans to an island nation for vacations! Yes, nothing suspicious or weird about that!
• The third issue begins with Ectotron meeting Janine in the team's firehouse headquarters:
  Ectotron: I know this may come as something of a shock, but—
  Janine: Shock nothing— I just don't want to see you putting any holes in the sheetrock. The contractors rip us a new one every time we need repairs!
  Linkara: Janine is every jaded office worker. "Look, I don't care how impressive or amazing it is; just give me my paycheck and don't make me work on the weekends."
  • It is here that Janine suggests Ectotron shorten his name, which he reluctantly agrees to:
    Ectotron: Is this how your people are? Open-minded and unfazed by those who are different?
    Linkara: Oh, Ectotron, you sweet, innocent giant robot... Never visit a YouTube comment section or Twitter.
    Starscream: Oh, yes, they're all just so special here. Small and soft and stuck in one shape. Bah.
    Linkara: Eh, sorry, Starscream; we can't all transform into a douche like you.
• After exploring the firehouse and encountering Slimer, Starscream runs into Venkman, who tries to use his psychology expertise to figure out Starscream's true motives:
  Starscream: If I'm as treacherous as you say, do you think it wise to confront me alone and without your energy weapons?
  Venkman: Well, yeah. You're not a giant killer robot anymore. You're just a ghost.
  Linkara: [as Venkman] I mean, whoever heard of ghosts causing damage to things? Am I right, Slimer?
  • After trapping Starscream's spark, Venkman meets with the others, who ask why he did such a thing:
    Venkman: Because I think I'm the first psychologist who can claim to specialize in analyzing alien robot ghosts—
    Linkara: [as Venkman] Guys, I've got a great idea for a subsidiary company to help expand the brand.
• After having his communicator repaired, Ectotron contacts the Ark:
  Optimus: Is that you, Ectronymous?
  Ectotron: You can call me Ectotron, Optimus. I've been convinced that it's easier.
  Optimus: [under his breath] Oh, thank Primus.
  Linkara: [as Optimus] Swear to God, if you had made me keep calling you that, I was going to plug myself into a computer game to die again!
  • Wheeljack is skeptical of Ectotron's account, especially the part about Decepticon ghosts:
    Grimlock: Me, Grimlock ain't afraid of no ghosts!
    Linkara: [as Grimlock] Who ya gonna call? Call me, Grimlock!
    • Optimus tries to put Wheeljack's concerns to rest:
      Optimus: I understand your concerns, old friend— —but I'm going. Part of being a leader is supporting those you lead.
      Linkara: [as Optimus] And also being grateful that their name isn't ridiculously long, and saying so under your breath.
      Optimus: You'll remember I supported some of your ideas when others said they were crazy...
      Linkara: [as Optimus] Admittedly, the Autobot made entirely out of Twizzlers didn't really work out, but he was delicious.
      Grimlock: Grimlock still think Wheeljack crazy.
      Linkara: [as Grimlock] Autobot made out of ground beef make much more sense!
• Optimus arrives on Earth, but finds no trace of Ectotron; he decides to wait by the firehouse in his vehicle form until he returns, but some street punks find him and decide to tag him with graffiti:
  Linkara: Aw, great, they're going to write "False God" across him just like the guy from last week. Though I will say, given how awesome their styles are, this is definitely on the "fun" side of the "Graffiti: Fun or Dumb?" debate.
  • This does not escape Optimus' notice, as seen when the Ghostbusters and Ectotron return from their latest job:
    Optimus: Apparently, some of your kind saw fit to decorate me while I was waiting.
    Linkara: [as Optimus] What does it mean, "For a good time, call Ivo Shandor"?
• In the fourth issue, the team relocates to a warehouse in Red Hook to give Ectotron and Optimus some elbow room while they investigate Starscream's disappearance. Venkman points out how it's a shame the Transformers can't just shrink:
  Optimus: Actually, some of us can modify our size. There was a powerful Decepticon who could transform into a handheld weapon. I accidentally stepped on him once and set off a thousand years of war.
  Venkman: Is that— Really?
  Optimus: No, not really.
  Linkara: [as Optimus] It was ten thousand years of war.
• The Ghostbusters and Ectotron try to form a plan to deal with the newly-energized Kremzeek, which would require multiple traps and the electrical ghost from earlier. Luckily, Ectotron just happens to have those very items with him:
  Ectotron: You left it in my vehicle form, Ray. Along with these empty traps, a canister of slime, and enough food crumbs to compose another meal. You four are disgusting.
  Spengler: I'm not disgusting— I'm just focused.
  Linkara: [as Spengler] My mold, spores, and fungi are very cleanly organized, thank you.
  • While Stantz explains how dispersing Kremzeek with the elctrical ghost can buy them a few months to come up with a better plan, Optimus cuts in:
    Optimus: Ray Stantz! Just! Do! What you're going to do!
    Stantz: He could hear me?
    Ectotron: He's fighting hand-to-hand with a being made of living electricity, Ray. Optimus Prime does impossible things.
    Linkara: He's right, you know; how many other Transformers can say they've stored their brains on five-and-a-quarter-inch floppy disks?
    Stantz: Well, luckily, so do we.
    Linkara: [as Stantz] Time to divide by zero!
    • Kremzeek is successfully shorted out, but the sparks of the other Decepticons have been set free:
      Megatron: Optimus Prime. You still function. I'll have to remedy that.
      Linkara: [as Megatron] I'm thinking a new line of toys, Prime: Ghost Transformers with translucent plastic!
• The fifth and final issue begins with Optimus offering the Decepticons new bodies, but Megatron has none of it, stating he only wants to see Optimus die:
  Optimus: I don't want this, Megatron.
  Megatron: You've always been a coward.
  Optimus: I'm just tired of war, Megatron.
  Linkara: I mean... you haven't been fighting a war for a thousand years, dude.
  Optimus: But what I am not, as an old friend once said— —is afraid of a ghost.
  Linkara: [as Optimus] Now, of killing NPCs in a video game? I am terrified of that.
• During the battle, Starscream flies away, which knocks Megatron into Ectotron, allowing the former to possess the latter:
  Linkara: God, what is it with Megatron and merging with Autobots?!

654: The New Guardians #4

• Linkara discusses Snowflame's return to the DC continuity in the pages of Catwoman, which claims he faked his death during his previous battle with the New Guardians:
  Linkara: Oh, yeah, sure, he "faked his death". He faked getting punched into a chemical shed on one panel, and on the next, there's a massive explosion. Snowflame, tactical genius!
  Gen. Patton: Magnificent bastard, I read your book!
• The issue opens with the former Green Lantern Kilowog pushing a hovercart with Japanese businessmen on it:
  Linkara: Eh, I stopped going to the store to buy Japanese businessmen; better to Instacart them.
  Kilowog: ...An' if I ain't makin' myself clear, I can say it in 34,487 intergalactic languages— —includin' Japanese— <Poozers ain't welcome here!>
  Linkara: Ironically, in 300 of those languages, what he just said was incredibly racist.
• Meanwhile, Tom Kalmaku reads about the New Guardians becoming homeless and worries about them:
  Daughter: Hey, where's my omelette? Better hurry up, Dad— I can smell it burnin'!
  Son: No offense, Dad... but compared to Mom, you really stink in the kitchen!
  Linkara: [as the son] I mean, I'm not sure how you got me a Toaster Strudel when you were trying to make scrambled eggs, yet here we are.
• Kilowog is awakened by an intruder alert and aims a gigantic laser gun at who he assumes are the businessmen from the beginning of the issue, but discovers that it's actually the New Guardians, disguised in hats and trench coats:
  Extraño: That brute's face always looked blank to me, conchita. Perhaps he doesn't remember us.
  Floronic Man: Speak for yourself, Extraño. No one forgets the Floronic Man!
  Linkara: How can I? Aside from something you said once becoming a recurring gag on this show, you gave us three episodes where your evil plan was to get everyone high on pot.
  • This turn of events surprises and delights Kilowog:
    Kilowog: Haroxim talqo!
    Extraño: Does anyone know what he said?
    Linkara: It's ancient Green Lantern for "talcum powder". [beat] It loses something in the translation.
    Kilowog: Haroxim talqo is Bolovax Vikish for "My house is your house"!
    Linkara: [as Kilowog] My electrical bill is your electrical bill!
• Kilowog runs a battery of tests on the team, starting with Gloss:
  Kilowog: Centuries ago, yer Chinese ancestors discovered that all human bein's got "circuits" of bio-energy runnin' through their bodies.
  Linkara: Turns out, inscribed in the pancreas is "Intel Inside".
  • After Gloss accidentally overloads his equipment, Kilowog moves on to Harbinger:
    Harbinger: Are you sure you're feeling up to this, Kilowog? Those were some pretty serious burns you received when Gloss's test got out of hand.
    Kilowog: It only hurts when I grukka.
    Linkara: [as Kilowog] That's going number three for my species.
• After testing Betty Clawman, Extraño, Floronic Man, and Jet, Kilowog examines Ram:
  Ram: [You find interfacing with my billions of microcircuits pleasurable, yes?]
  Kilowog: Mmmmm.
  Picard: Hmmm...
  Linkara: Yeah, not gonna touch that one... like Kilowog is doing.
  • Kilowog asks Ram if he has any regrets since being converted into an android:
    Ram: [I'll tell you the truth, Kilowog. Ever since I went "on-line" in my present form... ...I have ceased to be troubled by the assortment of problems that seem inevitable when one is straddled with the usual frailties of human emotion.]
    Linkara: Well, I look forward to hearing more about your career in "Becoming Dr. Manhattan".
    Ram: [Does that answer your question?]
    Linkara: [as Kilowog] Actually, I was going to ask if you're Windows 11 compatible, which, according to the specifications check... you're not.
• The Japanese businessmen from earlier discuss a plan to steal Kilowog's technology by force:
  Businessman: Kilowog is going to learn the hard way that Soltron-san does not take "no" for an answer. It is part of his programming.
  Linkara: [as the businessman] Or at least, he was until the last system patch nerfed that; now he's not viable for competitive play anymore!
• While the group discusses ways to cure Jet, Harbinger, and Extraño's HIV, Soltron trips the alarm, forcing Kilowog to confront him:
  Soltron: I-AM-SOLTRON. I-AM-SORRY-TO-HAVE-DISTURBED-YOU. INTERFERE-WITH-MY-MISSION-AND-YOU-WILL-BE-ELIMINATED.
  Linkara: [as Soltron] IF-YOU-ARE-ELIMINATED, I-APOLOGIZE-FOR-THE-INCONVENIENCE.
  • Kilowog fires his laser gun at Soltron, but he suffers no damage:
    Soltron: I-AM-SOLTRON. YOU-HAVE-INTERFERED-WITH-MY-MISSION. YOU-WILL-BE-ELIMINATED!
    Linkara: [as Soltron] I'M-SORRY-IF-I-MENTIONED-THAT-ALREADY; I-DON'T-TEND-TO-GET-OUT-VERY-MUCH-AND-I-GET-VERY-NERVOUS-AND-REPEAT-MYSELF.
    • Kilowog gets angry when he discovers Soltron has blasters in his knees:
      Kilowog: That's fightin' dirty!
      Linkara: [as Kilowog] Use elbow cannons, you coward!
• Linkara is overall impressed by Soltron:
  Linkara: Though Neutro would still kick its ass; I don't see Soltron riding a whale.
• The team defeats Soltron, carrying a knocked-out Kilowog away from the inevitable explosion:
  Ram: [There's an old Japanese proverb, Kilowog—]
  Linkara: [as Ram] ["Gotta catch 'em all!"]
  Ram: [...Keep your friends close— but keep your enemies closer.]
  Linkara: ...Actually, from my brief research, it looks like the origins of the phrase come from Sun Tzu, who was Chinese, not Japanese. You might've had better luck if the proverb was "But it was me, Dio!"
  Kilowog: Sounds alot like a sayin' we had back on Bolovax Vik!
  Linkara: [as Kilowog] Although, loosely translated, it comes out as "Get in the robot, Shinji."
  • The comments section gets in on it, with other "old Japanese proverbs" (read: anime quotes).
• The post-credits stinger:
  Ram: [There's an old Japanese proverb, Kilowog—]
  Linkara: [as Ram] ["In the name of the Moon, I will punish you!"]
  

655: Codename: Ninja #1

• Linkara introduces his collaborator for this video, Gaijin Goombah, by cutting to his camera feed while he is reading a ninja-themed book:
  Gaijin Goombah: [turns head] Huh? [awkward silence] Hahahaha... Uh, I mean, I'm always down in ninja-nalysis in, uh, popular media, but, uh... Linkara, how'd you get access to my cam?
  Linkara: I have my ways.
• Linkara starts the review by praising the issue's cover, particularly its use of contrast and filling it with scenes of action and romance:
  Linkara: Although, this could just be another ability of the ninja: the luma key. To demonstrate, here's the Ninja Style Dancer!
  Ninja Style Dancer: [demonstrates his impeccable dance moves as panels from the comic fade in on his black outfit]
  Linkara: And up in the corner is Gary Brodsky wearing a ninja costume that's... well, about as good as the Ninja Style Dancer's, honestly.
  Ninja Style Dancer: [takes offense to what was said and gives Linkara the finger]
• The issue proper opens in Chinatown, as a bearded man runs away from a mysterious pursuer, who fires a pistol at him and manages to strike a Chinese man carrying a bag of apples:
  Chinese Man: AAAAAAAAaaaaiiee!! Me shot! Me shot!
  Mike Nelson: Me, help! Attacked, I'm being! Hitting me, stop you must! God dear, bleeding am I! Break my leg, think I did you!
  Pursuer: [thinking] Cripes, I hit the old guy...
  Linkara: [as the pursuer] Well, now my score's never going to recover! Might as well just start the level over.
• The pursuer reaches the alleyway and searches frantically for his prey:
  Pursuer: I know you're here! I say you're dead!
  Linkara: Well, if he's dead already, then the job is done, and you can knock off early.
  • The bearded man engages in a fistfight with the pursuer and gets knocked back; the pursuer goes to pick up his pistol as the bearded man pulls out a tranquilizer gun from his sock:
    Linkara: Gotta be really awkward when he bumps his leg against his desk and accidentally knocks himself out before clock-out time...
    • The bearded man, "Iron" John Reardon, rifles through the pursuer's pockets and discovers he's a bona-fide special agent:
      "Iron" John Reardon: Sorry, "pal" but that's one company-issued "tranquilizer" dart you won't be waking up from...!
      Linkara: Wait, does that mean they're not actually tranquilizers, but full-on poison? Well, that just makes it even more awkward when he bumps his leg against his desk...
• Some time later...
  Caption: New York City— afternoon. The city pulses like a giant heart.
  Linkara: [as the caption] Loaded with cholesterol!
  Caption: There are some who thrive on that energy. Others crack.
  Linkara: [as the caption] Some then charge ridiculous, exorbitant prices for that energy.
  Caption: Some simply mark time, waiting for the night...
  Linkara: [as the caption] Unfortunately, the night's GPS gave it the wrong directions, and it's an hour late.
• After a round of racquetball, John's friend Steve Champion cuts to the chase and demands to know why he visited:
  John: I picked up a tail this morning. In Chinatown.
  Linkara: [as Steve] Finally! You've been working on that fur suit for years, man! Stop being so damn picky!
  John: A pro. He tried to kill me, Steve.
  Linkara: Only the most professional of agents try to murder people out in the open amidst a crowd with lots of civilians to get in the way.
  Steve Champion: Not too surprising, considering the company you keep. This makes—what?—the second try in one month?
  Linkara: [as Steve] I haven't seen you in years, but I know how many assassination attempts have been made on you in a month.
• John tells Steve that his pursuer was actually an agent in the same organization both of them worked at (the CIA), and asks him to look into his motives. Steve declines, since he left the Agency due to the infighting:
  Linkara: [as Steve] I left the Agency because of all the infighting, but it doesn't make sense that people inside of the Agency would try to kill their own!
  • It is later revealed that John is actually the Director of the CIA:
    Linkara: So, you know, it's not like it's a big deal or anything if he gets assassinated!
    • Steve stares in the mirror as he mulls on the ramifications of the assassination attempt, where a ninja takes the place of his reflection:
      Linkara: Food for thought: what if vampires, instead of having no reflection in mirrors, showed ninjas instead?
• Steve returns to his job, which he fears he'll lose if he helps John out:
  Steve: [thinking] Funny... in the Company, they used to call me the "Architect" because I could always figure all the angles.
  Linkara: [as Steve] Then they'd get annoyed when I told them that that's technically a geometrist and not an architect.
  • Said job is apparently that of an actual architect:
    Steve: [thinking] This is already starting to tear at me... ...And I'm beginning to wonder already... Who am I... ...really? Steve Champion, brilliant young architect by day... ninja by night!
    Linkara: [as Steve] Dammit, I thought I had escaped the CIA's Ninja Department!
    Steve: [thinking] Cripes... I'm beginning to sound like a comic book.
    Linkara: Not a particularly great one, either.
• In his office, Steve is informed that his design for the new art center has been approved with no changes, but is still distracted by what John told him:
  Steve: [thinking] Maybe a little work will take my mind off things. [aloud] Let's see... The stress factor here... If I work it out in terms of the tonnage of the support beams, and... Ah, hell and damn...
  Linkara: [as Steve] How did I end up making the building into the shape of a ninja?!
  Steve: It's no use! My thoughts keep drifting into dozens of directions at once. Maybe meditation will do the trick.
  Linkara: [as Steve] I must put on appropriate music for this... [meditates to "Ninja Rap (Go Ninja, Go Ninja Go)" by Vanilla Ice]
  • Steve begins his meditation:
    Steve: Relax all earthbound ties... Sink into the Earth... Be as one with it... Be as you are... as you have become in every atom of your being... NINJA!
    Linkara: [as Steve] Consult with the ninja midi-chlorians...
    • The meditation allows Steve to flash back to earlier moments of his life:
      Steve: Drift on the tide of time... Back to your beginnings... ...To your mother... ...and your father...
      Linkara: [as Steve] And them coming home and having sort-of-okay sex after the office Christmas party that resulted in you.
      Steve: We are one. The future is past and the past is future... Time is a circle...
      Tom Servo: That means lunch won't be till yesterday!
      Steve: Nagasaki. Hiroshima. Gone in an instant...
      Linkara: IT WAS NINJAS WHO NUKED JAPAN?!
• The flashbacks begin with Steve's father, a soldier in World War II, meeting his mother, a nurse, at a hospital, who informs him of Japan's surrender and the end of the war:
  Steve's Father: Well, I have some news for you! Come a little closer...
  Linkara: [as Steve's father] My bedpan is full. [wink]
  • Actually, he goes ahead and kisses her:
    Steve: ...Your father, always a man of action...
    Linkara: Your father, always a man of sexual assault.
• Eventually, Steve is born, gets beaten up by bullies, and vows revenge:
  Linkara: And I guess when you're in Japan, vows of vengeance will lead you to martial arts academies. Well, either that or magical girl schools, but they tend to frown on taking revenge.
  Caption: ...Where he was schooled also in the sciences... Philosophy. Comparative religion.
  Linkara: [as the caption] Do you believe in the teachings of Ninjor or Master Splinter? There is a holy war between them.
  • After extensively training in (highly fictionalized) ninjutsu and other disciplines, Steve leaves his parents to travel to America:
    Caption: The boy become man.
    Linkara: I am become man, master of ninja.
    • In America, Steve gets a degree in architecture, gets married, and begins a long career designing buildings in other countries, including Egypt:
      Linkara: Some may expect me to make the "Ancient Egypt!" joke here, but as a reminder, the deadly foe of America is Ancient Egypt, as it continually sends curses, mummies, and children's card games to destroy us. Modern Egypt's a whole different thing.
• While visiting Paris, Steve witnesses a man getting mugged (actually John) and decides to intervene using his ninja skills:
  Caption: Exit the architect... Enter the ninja.
  Linkara: Steve says that to himself any time he enters a public bathroom.
• After visiting John at the hospital following him receiving a gunshot wound, Steve spies another ninja waiting to finish the job and fights him; the ninja attempts to escape by climbing the building to the roof, but Steve catches up with him and kicks him in the face with his bare feet:
  Steve: This... ...is for JOHN REARDON!
  Linkara: [as Steve] Also for my shoes, which I am no longer wearing!
  • A helicopter arrives to pick up the ninja, who throws shuriken at Steve, who in turn deflects them all:
    Linkara: [singing, with bloody hands] Codename: Ninja!
• Gaijin Goombah earlier points out how impractical all the old-school ninja tools are and thinks the assassin ninja should just use a gun... only to be exasperated when, at the end of the issue, he pulls one out as his final option:
  Gaijin Goombah: Dude, why didn't you just lead with the gun?! Look, ninjas were some of the earliest adopters of firearms and gunpowder tech; you could've just ended it right there in the hospital room, or you could've just ended it right here getting on the helicopter! Why didn't you just use gun?!
  • This leads to the final line of the comic, as the ninja prepares to shoot Steve at point-blank range:
    Ninja: Assuming our opponent does not possess the skill of dodging bullets!
    Linkara: ...And considering there was no second issue of Codename: Ninja, I guess we can assume he didn't have that skill.
• Linkara thanks Gaijin Goombah for his contributions to the episode:
  Linkara: I want to thank Gaijin Goombah for his help with today's episode.
  Gaijin Goombah: Hey, no problem! This is what I live for, man! But, uh... Really, Linkara, how'd you get access to my cam?
  Linkara: Can't hear you! Credits rolling! Byeeee!
  • This even continues into the comments section, with Gaijin Goombah once again asking how Linkara accessed his camera, and getting a vague "I have my ways" in response.

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