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Literature / Armadillo Fists

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In a world where people drive giant robotic dinosaurs instead of cars, a woman with armadillos for hands is on the run from the mob, assisted by a driver with no arms and legs. It Makes Sense in Context. Well, sort of.

This Affectionate Parody of gangster movies in the style of Quentin Tarantino consists mainly of the fights and betrayals among the Quirky Miniboss Squad who used to work for now-deceased mobster Big Bob. Each wears a tattoo with a number that describes where they rank in the organisation's Sorting Algorithm of Evil. The characters are:

  • June Howard, a.k.a. "Armadillo Fists," a.k.a. "Psycho June." The Heroine, female ex-boxer with armadillos for hands. Was originally offered the place of fourth deadliest member of the organisation, but declined.
  • Tony, a.k.a. "Mr Torso," and technically a.k.a. "Mr Fast Awesome" though it's only he himself who calls him that. A quadrouple amputee and ace driver who helps June in her escape. The eighth deadliest member of the organisation.
  • Rape Face, a.k.a. "Mr Face." The Smug Snake second-in-command of the organisation who leads the hunt for June. Is only considered the ninth deadliest member of the organisation, to his annoyance.
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  • Bobby Mazetti, a.k.a. "Big Bob." The boss, a Dirty Old Man whose death sets off the plot. Did not give himself a number, though Tony reflects that that technically makes him number zero.
  • Mr Happy, Big Bob's newphew, a Perpetual Smiler who is always happy about everything. The seventh most deadly member of the organisation.
  • Mr Slick, a former yo-yo champion who fights with two guns attached to wires, allowing him to shoot around corners. The fifth most dangerous member of the organisation.
  • Mr Food, a Big Eater and Fat Bastard. The tenth most dangerous member of the organisation.
  • Magic Steve, a Psychopathic Manchild who can't drive a dinosaur without imagining that he is one. Presumably the sixth most dangerous member of the organisation. note 
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  • Mr Sorry, a former Dirty Cop with the power of Super Speed. The third most dangerous member of the organisation.
  • Mr Marathon, so named because he always completes any task he starts without complaining, no matter how long it takes. Supposedly the second most dangerous member of the organisation, though in truth Big Bob just declared him so to piss off Rape Face.
  • Mr Corpse, Big Bob's rarely-seen but much feared champion enforcer. Will not stop until everything in his path is dead. The most dangerous member of the organisation. Is actually the Superpowered Evil Side of Mr Food.

Armadillo Fists is a Bizarro Fiction novella by Carlton Mellick III.

Contains examples of:

  • Acro Fatic: June is surprised at how fast Mr Food can move considering how fat he is. Subverted - he's actually wearing a fat suit, and under it he's quite fit and muscular.
  • Action Girl: June is a deadly boxer with... enhanced fists, even before letting Psycho June out.
  • Affectionate Parody: Of hardboiled gangster movies in the vein of Quentin Tarantino.
  • Alternate Universe: There are many, and each one contains a dop (short for "doppelganger") of you. People will arrange special get-togethers for all their dops, to find out how many different ways their lives could have turned out. Such get-togethers can lead to unsettling discoveries, though - June finds out that she's male in almost all other realities, and Rape Face finds out that he's exactly the same in every single reality, meaning there was never even the possibility of him becoming anything other than an unpopular, unsuccessful Jerkass.
  • Anachronic Order: The story jumps around quite a lot, filling out the backstory as it goes along.
  • The Driver: Tony's role in the organisation.
  • Drives Like Crazy: Magic Steve goes crazy while driving. He starts halucinating that he's not just driving a robot dinosaur, but is a dinosaur.
  • Embarrassing Nickname:
    • Mr Face really doesn't like being called "Rape Face." Everyone does it anyway, though, even the narration.
    • Tony doesn't like being called "Mr Torso." He feels he should more accurately be called "Mr Awesome," or even better, "Mr Fast Awesome."
  • Everything's Better with Dinosaurs: The original inspiration for the story, according to the foreword.
  • The Face: Mr Face is so named because Big Bob meant for him to be this for the organisation. Sadly, he turned out to have no people or leadership skills whatsoever.
  • Fourth Date Marriage: Deconstructed. Near the end, June declares (while being delirious from her injuries, admittedly) that she loves Tony and wants to marry him. Tony humours her to keep her spirits up while racing her to the hospital, but inwardly he notes that there's no reason why she should be this devoted to him this soon, and that something must be making her feel a void inside that she's desperate to fill.
  • Gender-Blender Name: "June" is a boy's name. Oh, not in our world or in the world of the book, but in just about every other world in the multiverse.
  • Getting Smilies Painted on Your Soul: Mr Happy suffers from this due to a neurological disorder. He's incapable of feeling anything but perfect happiness all the time. He flat-out says that it isn't as great as it sounds.
  • Gilligan Cut: When Mr Slick finds June and Tony holed up in a hotel, he resolves that "he wasn't going to rush in guns-blazing as usual. He was going to be patient. He was going to play it smart." The next chapter has Mr Food and Rape Face hearing on the radio that "some crazy guy [is] shooting up a hotel."
    Rape Face: That fucking idiot. He went in guns-blazing as usual. Why couldn't that asshole be patient? He should've played it smart.
  • Good People Have Good Sex: June and Tony get it on in a hotel room while hiding out, and it's amazing.
  • Gorn: Oh yes. There is one point where a character throws his own entrails at another as a distraction.
  • Handicapped Badass: Tony gets by weirdly well without hands or feet. He does find it a hindrance at times, but not nearly as much as a regular person would.
  • Implacable Man: Once Mr Corpse is roused, he will not stop until everything in his path is dead. Having a steel girder through his gut doesn't even seem to slow him down.
  • Kavorka Man: Tony is fat and ugly. Oh, and a quadrouple amputee. Doesn't stop him from being a big hit with the ladies. He's also pretty good at sex, too.
  • Kill It with Fire: Mr Happy's choice way of dealing with enemies. He's chosen it specifically because seeing people burn to death in agony is the only thing that allows him to feel even the tiniest bit sad.
  • The Lad-ette: June is only a woman by accident - almost all of her dops are male.
  • Meet My Good Friends "Lefty" and "Righty": June named her armadillo fists "Jocko" and "Judy." Justified since they're living animals grafted onto her body, so they're half body parts, half pets.
  • Me's a Crowd: Going to a dop convention lets you meet all the possible versions of yourself from every existing universe. Rape Face calls in several of his dops as backup when the June situation heats up.
  • Non-Indicative Name: None of the characters have ever known Rape Face to rape anyone. He just looks like he's constantly going off and doing it on the sly.
  • Shout-Out: After having Mr Sorry use his Super Speed to dodge all but one of Rape Face's bullets, Rape Face puts the barrel of the gun against Mr Sorry's face and pulls the trigger, telling him to "dodge this." He does.
  • Smug Snake: Rape Face thinks he's hot shit. He really isn't. In fact, he's so lacking in potential that there is not a single possible version of him that didn't turn out to be a mean, petty crook.
  • Sorting Algorithm of Evil: The organisation ranks its members from most to least badass. Subverted in that June and Tony don't end up fighting them in order, and it seems that the ranking relies at least partly on favouritism rather than merit.
  • The Soulless: Mr Sorry's mother claimed that he was this, and he does act the part, being constantly cold and emotionless.
  • The Starscream: June didn't actually kill Big Bob. Rape Face found him injured and finished him off so he could take over the organisation.
  • Superpowered Evil Side: June tends to turn into Psycho June when she fights. She stopped boxing because it was getting harder and harder to make Psycho June go away between matches. Mr Corpse is this to Mr Food.
  • Token Super: While all the characters have their own shticks, Mr Sorry is the only one who has genuine (and unexplained) supernatural powers.
  • Transgender: Implied to be the case with June. Most of her dops are men, and she notes that they all seem very happy and confident, whereas she always feels out of place and like something is wrong with her life.


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