Funny / Shrek

"Don't blow him up too much or he'll croak."

• The opening scene of a fairy tale page being ripped out by Shrek and being used as toilet paper - the perfect Establishing Character Moment for both Shrek, and his entire franchise.
• "WHAT?! ARE YOU DOING?! IN MY SWAMP?!" (last word echoes)
• There's Donkey realizing that Dragon is a girl dragon, and starts complimenting her on reeking of feminine beauty and babbling about not being ready for a relationship of this magnitude.
• The old woman trying to turn in Donkey in his introductory scene has a bit of trouble doing so. For once, Donkey decides to stay quiet when the guard asks her to prove he can talk. As her efforts fail, she grabs Donkey's mouth and tries some poor ventriloquism.
  Old Woman: "I can talk! I love to talk!! I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw!!!"
• As Dragon is about to kiss a trapped Donkey, Shrek falls between them and Dragon kisses his butt instead.
• The entire ogres are like onions bit.
  Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
  Donkey: Example...?
  Shrek: Example? Okay, umm... ogres... are like onions.
  Donkey: [Sniffs onion in Shrek's hand, then winces] They stink?
  Shrek: Yes- No!
  Donkey: Oh, they make you cry!
  Shrek: No!
  Donkey: Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs?
  Shrek: NO! (peels an onion) Layers. Onions. Have. Layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers... you get it, we both have layers! [sighs and walks off]
  Donkey: [Beat] Oh, you both have laaayers... [sniffs onion on ground and makes face] You know, not everybody like onions... CAKE! Eeeeverybody likes cake! Cakes have layers!
  Shrek: I DON'T CARE... what everyone likes. Ogres... are not... like cakes. [walks off]
  Donkey: (Beat) You know what everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious!
  Shrek: NO!! YOU DENSE, IRRITATING, MINIATURE BEAST OF BURDEN! OGRES ARE LIKE ONIONS! END OF STORY! Bye-bye!... See you later. [walks off]
  Donkey: [beat] Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole, damn planet...
  Shrek: You know? I think I preferred your humming.
  Donkey: Do you have a tissue or something? 'Cause I'm making a mess. Just the word "parfait" made me start slobbering.
• These two moments of Comically Missing the Point:
  Farquaad: (He notices Shrek) What is that? Oh! It's hideous!
  Shrek: Ah, that's not very nice. [turns to look at Donkey and then back at Farquaad] It's just a donkey.
  Donkey: What?
  Farquaad: Indeed.
  • And this:
    Shrek: We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.
    Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.
    Shrek: No! D'ya think?
• This bit of Donkey coaxing Shrek at their camping spot.
  Donkey: Are you hiding somethin'?
  Shrek: Never mind, Donkey.
  Donkey: Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?
  Shrek: No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it-alone things.
  Donkey: Well, why don't you wanna talk about it?
  Shrek: Why do you want to talk about it? (turning to his side)
  Donkey: Why are you blocking?
  Shrek: I'm not blocking. (turning to his other side)
  Donkey: Oh, yes, you are.
  Shrek: (getting up) Donkey, I'm warnin' you!
  Donkey: Who are you tryin' to keep out, just tell me that, Shrek, who?
  Shrek: Everyone, okay?!
  Donkey: (Beat) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.
  Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete!
• "We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the morning — I'm makin' waffles!"
• When Shrek crashes into Fiona's room in the castle, he goes over to the bed and she puckers up her lips, expecting a kiss. Instead of kissing her, Shrek grabs her by the shoulders and shakes her.
• When Shrek and Donkey leave the swamp to go to Duloc, Shrek picks up a torch with an elf still holding it, and shakes it to make the elf let go. As he and Donkey walk away, the elf can be briefly seen waving goodbye to them.
• When Shrek and Fiona start making balloon animals, from real animals.
• "What you're doing is the opposite of help!"
• "Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head."
• "You're so wrapped up in layers, Onion Boy, you're afraid of your own feelings!"
• "Celebrity marriages... they never last, do they?"
• Donkey's just made of these. He IS voiced by Eddie Murphy, after all.
• Whenever Donkey appears onscreen while singing "I'm a Believer". Same thing with the Shrek Karaoke Dance Party, where he sings "Baby Got Back" (with Dragon shaking her backside to his tune).
• Gingy's interrogation is made of funny.
  Gingy: (distressed) Do you know the muffin man?
  Farquaad: The muffin man?
  Gingy: The muffin man.
  Farquaad: Yes, yes, I know the muffin man... who lives on Drury Lane?
  Gingy: Well, she's married to, the muffin man.
  Farquaad: (invested) The muffin man?!
  Gingy: (crying) THE MUFFIN MAN!
  Farquaaad: (Completely in awe) She's married to the muffin man...
  • Even better; that conversation goes absolutely nowhere and raises more questions than answers, the exact opposite of what an interrogation is supposed to do.
• Donkey pleading Shrek to let him stay over for the night:
  Donkey: Can I stay with you?
  Shrek: (legitimately caught off-guard) Wh-what?
  Donkey: Can I stay with you, please?
  Shrek: Of course!
  Donkey: Really?
  Shrek: No.
• Duloc is indeed the perfect place.
  Please keep off of the grass. Shine your shoes, wipe your... FACE!
  Donkey: Wooooow... let's do that again!
  Shrek: NO! (Stops Donkey) NONONONO... no.
• When Shrek is taking on Farquaad's knights at the tourney, he wins over the audience with his fighting prowess, and then a random bloodthirsty granny in the crowd really takes things over the top.
  "The chair! Give him the chair!"
• Shrek takes a groin shot while he, Fiona, and Donkey are escaping from the dragon's castle (Shrek's holding the smaller two while sliding down a stone banister that has a large bump appropriately placed). His eyes cross, but (being an ogre) he shakes it off more quickly than a human would (though he can be heard moaning, "Oowwwwwwww" shortly after).
• While eating his dinner, Shrek hears his door suddenly creak open and he gets up from his table.
  Shrek: I thought I told you to stay outside!
  Donkey: (from the window) I am outside!
  (Confused, Shrek looks around. He sees a shadow scurry across the room. He looks under the table when he hears a voice. He spots the Three Blind Mice scurrying on his table.)
  Blind Mouse 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?
  Blind Mouse 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
  Blind Mouse 3: (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
  Shrek: GOTCHA! (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder)
  Blind Mouse 3: (sniffs Shrek's ear) I found some cheese! (bites the ear)
  Shrek: OW!
  Blind Mouse 3: Blah! Awful stuff.
  Blind Mouse 2: Is that you, Gordon?
  Blind Mouse 3: How did you know?
  Shrek: ENOUGH! (grabs the three mice) What are you doing in my house?! (Gets bumped from behind by a large box. He turns to see the Seven Dwarfs have placed Snow White's coffin on his kitchen table.) Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Dead broad OFF the table!
  Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken!
  Shrek: Huh? [sees Big Bad Wolf, in nightdress, lying in his bed]
  Wolf: [irritably] What?
• "I just know, before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'."
• Donkey, after Shrek roars at him to try to scare him away.
  Donkey: Wow...That was really scary! Now, if that don't work your breath would certainly get the job done because you definitely need some tic tacs or somethin' cause your breath STINKS!
• The nervous Donkey has to be goaded into crossing a rickety rope-and-plank bridge over a moat of LAVA. He says, before they set out, "Don't look down." Donkey actually manages not to, though he seems like he's about to try once or twice... and then he puts a hoof wrong and ends up with his face poking through a gap in the planks.
  Donkey: SHREK! I'M LOOKIN' DOWN!
  • After that, there's this part:
    Donkey: (after Shrek shakes the bridge) DON'T DO THAT!
    Shrek: (beat) Oh, I'm sorry! Do what? Oh, THIS? (sways the bridge)
    Donkey: Yes, THAT!
    Shrek: Yes? Yes, do it? Okay! (begins swaying the bridge some more)
    Donkey: (backing away) No! Shrek!
    Shrek: You said do it! I'm doing it!
    Donkey: Oh, God, I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die! Oh, God I'm gonna— (realizes he's now on the other side of the bridge) ...Oh!
    Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.
    Donkey: Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain in the neck, anyway?
    Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. [chuckles]
    Donkey: I was talking about the dragon, Shrek.
• When knights at Farquaad's castle are ready to kill him, Shrek tries to talk them down at a nearby bar.
  Shrek: Can't we just settle this over a pint? (The knights continue their advance on Shrek) Nooooo? Alright, then. [Shrek downs his beer and smashes the flagon, starting a fight] COME ON!!!
• The whole sequence with Shrek and the angry mob at the beginning. The mob plot the best way to attack the ogre, as they think he'll make bread from their bones, until Shrek appears out of nowhere to explain, no, that's giants. After a graphic description of what ogres make from their victims, one villager gets brave enough to wave his torch in Shrek's face causing him to extinguishes all the torches one by his band and one by his roar. He then waits for the mob to stop screaming.
  Shrek: [hushed] This is the part where you run away. [mob flees, Shrek laughs] And stay out!
  • Also, beforehand, towards the end of the "All-Star" montage, Shrek is relaxing in his home, when he hears something. So, he looks out the window and sees the angry mob and rolls his eyes. We then see the mob cautiously walking into Shrek's swamp and then Shrek eagerly jogging after them.
• Donkey and Shrek are making their way up the volcano when Donkey smells something foul. Naturally, Donkey assumes Shrek let one rip, prompting the following response:
  Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close.
  Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talkin' about brimstone, 'cause I know what I smell, it was no brimstone, they come off no stone either.
• When they see the dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot burning lava:
  Shrek: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location!
• Right after Shrek and Donkey rescue Fiona, she goes on for a bit about how noble they are for rescuing her and about how she's waiting for Shrek to kiss her.
  Fiona: No, it's destiny! Oh, you must know how it goes! A princess, locked in a tower and beset by a dragon, is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss...
  Donkey: Hm? With Shrek? You think- wait, whoa, whoa, wait a sec- you think that Shrek is your true love?
  Princess Fiona: Well, yes!
  (Shrek and Donkey look at each other before bursting into laughter)
  Donkey: You think Shrek is your true love! Hoohoohoo...
• While Shrek just wants to barge into the wedding, Donkey gets Genre Savvy by suggesting he wait for the "Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace" portion.
  Donkey: Wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?
  Shrek: Yes.
  Donkey: You wanna hold her?!
  Shrek: (irritably) Yes.
  Donkey: Please her?!!
  Shrek: YES!!!
  Donkey: Then you got-ta got-ta try a little TENDERNESS! The chicks love that romantic crap!
  • Then they find out they missed that bit and Shrek barges in anyway, but still just in time to say "I OBJECT!"
    Donkey: Mother Fletcher, he already said it!
    Shrek: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE! (goes to barge in, neglecting to catch Donkey)
• Donkey's song about being alone and having friends
  Shrek: STOP... SINGING! Well it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
• Donkey's reaction to seeing Ogre!Fiona for the first time.
  Fiona: Donkey, I'm the princess. It's me, in this body.
  Donkey: Oh, my God, YOU ATE THE PRINCESS!
  • When Donkey does realize Fiona is the ogress in front of him Donkey asks her if she suddenly became ugly because of the rats she and Shrek were eating.
  • On top of that, when Shrek realizes this after getting over his Third-Act Misunderstanding:
    Shrek: (awkwardly) Well. Uh... that explains a lot.
• There's a bit of Black Comedy when the Magic Mirror answers Lord Farquaad's question of "Mirror mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?" with "Well, technically you're not a king." He simply says "Uh, Thelonious?", who takes a small mirror and breaks it with his fist as a warning. Lord Farquaad then smirks and states "You were saying?"
  • Then the mirror announces the candidates for him to marry in an archetypal game show fashion as Farquaad and his guards get a somewhat Adorkable moment of nerves, clapping excitedly and nervously tittering about which one to pick.
  • Lord Farquaad doing his Evil Laugh when entering the dungeon to interrogate Gingy and when he walks up to the table Gingy's on, we see he's too short to look over it. He clears his throat and the table is lowered to the point where he can interrogate Gingy.
  • Before that, there's also when we see him make his introduction looking all important before coming to the dungeon's doors and being revealed to be much shorter than the guards.
  • On Fiona and Farquaad's wedding cake, the Cake Toppers of them are the same height, so Fiona pushes Farquaad's figure down further into the cake to make it more accurate.
  • Doubles as irony since his VA John Lithgow stands 6'4" and is one of Hollywood's tallest actors.
• "You didn't slay the dragon!?" "It's on my to-do list!"
  • Directly after the above:
    Fiona: But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying! That's what all the other knights did!
    Shrek: (Nodding at an armor-clad skeleton on the floor with a scorched outline of a knight burnt onto the wall behind him) Yeah, right before they burst into flame!
    Fiona: That's not the point!
• When Shrek and Donkey first get to Duloc, they come across Lord Farquaad's castle, and after glancing at the bland and featureless appearance of it, Shrek delivers this gem:
  "Do you think maybe he's Compensating for Something?"
  • Almost immediately after that, there's his attempt to ask an attendant in a Farquaad-like costume where Farquaad is… which fails miserably.
    Shrek: Hey, you! (attendant panics and starts running through the rows of rope while screaming all the while) Wait a second! Look, I'm not gonna eat you! I just… I just… (sighs in frustration as the attendant keeps panicking and running. He and Donkey walk straight through the rows; the attendant tries to get through one of the gates, but instead, the head of his costume just bounces off the wall, and he falls to the ground unconscious. Shrek and Donkey are both left befuddled)
• The scene where Fiona is walking through the forest singing. She meets a little bird on a branch who begins singing along with her. However, Fiona's pitch keeps rising as the bird struggles to keep up, eventually getting so high (and so off-key she's more screeching than singing) that the bird explodes. The look on Fiona's face is priceless. Then she sees the bird's eggs. Crossfade to her cooking the eggs.
• "Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns... this would be a lot easier if I weren't colour-blind!"
  • Donkey is saying this surrounded by said flowers with red thorns.
• After the church windows shatter when the curse is broken, one single pane is left intact, and it's one with Farquaad on it. Dragon promptly punches the pane and smashes it.
• As the trio is journeying back to DuLoc, Fiona asks what Lord Farquaad is like:
  Shrek: Well, let me put it this way, Princess. [knowing glance at Donkey] Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. [chuckles]
  Donkey: I don't know, Shrek. There are those who think very little of him! [both of them roar with laughter]
  • Then Fiona promptly accuses them of being jealous that they "can't measure up" to a man like Farquaad. Mind you, this is some time after she was informed he sent others to go rescue her, instead of doing so himself. Shrek retorts with "We'll let you do the measuring when you meet him." She really did walk right into that one.
  • Becomes a Brick Joke when Fiona finally does meet him. Her reaction to seeing how short he is is priceless.
• While looking for Donkey in the dragon's castle, Shrek and Fiona enter what appears to be dragon's kitchen, complete with a giant open cookbook showing how to properly cook a knight.
• When Shrek and Donkey first arrive in Duloc, Donkey spots an information booth and pulls the nearby lever. They are greeted by a choir of automated wooden puppets singing "Welcome to Duloc", a high-pitched Ear Worm about how perfect a town Duloc is. Shrek's expression says it all!
  • At song's end, Shrek and Donkey get their photo of authentication taken, the former still with a "What did I just hear?" expression on his face.
  • Donkey is heard humming the tune of the soonafter. Shrek stops him by warning he’s in for a smack bottom.

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