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Funny / Dilbert

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Comic strip

  • Everyone gets a CMOF here, the seventh panel most emphatically of all.
  • The PHB's epic moment of revenge for his secretary's plotting: here.
  • Catbert.
  • Future Wally: here.
    • Present Wally: here
  • Alice also gets a few
  • And of course, Dilbert
  • Carol
  • In one story, Dilbert accidentally kills a CEO with an ear of corn and is sent to jail. The very tough-looking criminal looks at the skinny Dilbert and asks what he's in for. Dilbert responds with how he killed a man with an ear of corn... then looks over and says "Oh hey! Corn!", causing the toughened criminal to look legitimately scared.
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  • Dilbert's project is behind schedule because the vendor delivered defective equipment and the PHB says he should have chosen a more reliable vendor:
    Dilbert: You told me to use this vendor because the sales guy took you golfing and bought you a hat.
    PHB: Well, you should have seen that coming and burned down all hat factories a year ago.
  • The PHB describes a customer satisfaction survey in which the focus group spontaneously went berserk and started stabbing the researchers with pencils. What's funny is that he actually considers this an improvement because last year the group's attack was premeditated.
  • Using a microscope, Dilbert discovers a tiny, subatomic civilization, and is quite excited.
    Dilbert: Let me get you focused a bit better. *CRUNCH*
    • Cut to Dilbert sitting outside with his hands over his eyes.
    Dogbert: My favorite part was when you said, "I mean you no harm."
  • This exchange:
    PHB: I've decided to move to a rolling forecast.
    Dilbert: So, the problem is that forecasts are worthless, and your solution is to do more of them?
    (Death Glare from the PHB)
    Dilbert: If my sarcasm is a problem, I can solve that by doing more of it.
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  • The boss tries to pitch in.
  • The boss tries to improve communications.
  • Dogbert suggests a new name for the company.
  • Dilbert's sand-filled stressbuster backfires:
    PHB: You need a new kybard? What's a kybard?
  • In one series of strips, Dilbert briefly became CEO:
    Dilbert: (thinking) The employees respond to my merest gesture. This gesture means 'all is well.'
    Employee: We tossed Johnson out the window like you gestured, sir.
    Dilbert (thinking) Oops.
  • A strip featuring Dogbert as a police negotiator contained Dogbert convincing a criminal to surrender. It's followed by the police (wielding donuts) opening fire. What really makes it funny is Adams' recollection of it. Apparently it originally involved the police being shown holding guns and opening fire, and then holding guns and with a single panel of just gun noises, but he was forced to change it both times. Not because it implied the police were shooting a surrendering suspect, but because it clearly showed firearms being fired.
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  • Wally is wearing noise cancellation headphones.
    Wally: What?
    PHB: I said, are you wearing noise cancellation headphones?!
    Wally: What?
    PHB: I SAID...
    Dilbert: This won't end well.
  • The PHB makes Dilbert write a rebuttal to his own recommendation, and when Dilbert complains about this, the PHB makes him write himself up for insubordination. Later, Dilbert tells Dogbert about this and Dogbert replies, "Mock yourself and go to bed."
  • This strip of Ratbert as an overpowered consultant, which Scott Adams pointed as an example of a strip with so many humorous elements that virtually everyone can find something to laugh about in it in The Joy of Work.
  • Dilbert: "I wonder what would happen if you let [the Senators] talk as long as they wanted. I bet they'd starve to death... but there's probably a downside."
  • "I cannot allow this withdrawal."
  • Dogbert bluffs his way through a square dance call.

Animated Series

  • Dogbert tricking Dilbert into changing the temperature of his voice activated shower. First changing it to 14 (the age Dilbert rode a full bicycle) degrees, and then to 2001: A Space Odyssey degrees. When Dilbert gets out of the shower, he's beet red, and his towel catches fire.
  • The very first exchange with the PHB.
    PHB: Well, there's no sense in killing a dead horse.
    Dilbert: You mean there's no sense in beating a dead horse.
    PHB: Why would anyone beat a dead horse?
    Dilbert: Why would anyone kill a dead horse?
    PHB: Maybe it kicked ya!
    Dilbert: It's dead!
    PHB: And so is every customer who used our flagship product.
  • In "Little People", Dilbert, Wally, and Alice get to a vendor meeting before everyone else, only to find that all of the food had already been eaten. When the other employees arrive and begin accusing them, Alice tells one of the accusers to look at something on a nearby table; when he does, she slams his face into it.
    Dilbert: You beat a man senseless!
    Alice: He was senseless before I beat him.
    • At the end of the episode, Dilbert tries to help the Little People, but ends up getting so annoyed by their constant partying that he has Dogbert round them up and sell them as limited edition toys.
  • Wally's bit of Insane Troll Logic here
    Dilbert: How about we use the money to give raises to those who worked hard to make this bonus possible?
    Wally: That would discriminate against those of us who didn't work as hard.
    Alice: If we started rewarding lazy people like you, the whole system would fail.
    Wally: {arms crossed} Oh, that's the same argument they used to deny women the right to vote.
    Alice: {annoyed} Are you comparing your laziness to the Woman's Suffrage Movement?
    Wally: There are many similarities.
    Alice: Name one!
    Wally: Women weren't allowed to vote, and I'm too lazy to vote. In both cases, there's taxation without representation.
    Alice: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
    Wally: {curt} Bigot.
  • When signing for Dilbert's new computer, PHB signs for it with the name "Eunice" and says its an alias he uses for line-dancing. When the delivery guy mentions that you don't need an alias to go line dancing, the PHB replies, "You do when you kick as hard as I do"
    • Later in that same episode, we see one of the people PHB used to line-dance with under the Eunice alias. He's in a wheelchair, and reminisces about when Eunice showed up wearing steel toed boots.
  • Pretty much everything Loud Howard says.
    • His first appearance guaranteed him Ensemble Dark Horse status: "I HEARD A RUMOR!" Everyone shushes him and he apologizes, then continues even louder, "I HEARD A RUMOR!!"
    • "SOMETIMES I JUST FIND STUFF AFTER I TALK." (Mitten falls from the ceiling)
      • (puts mitten on) "Ooh!"
    • "I'm afraid of tiny people! They can run in your mouth! (Confused looks from everyone at the table) Am I the only one worried about that?!"
    • "I'd like to be treated like a human being just once!" (Wally gives Loud Howard a dog biscuit, which he promptly eats).
    • When Dilbert hires Dogbert as a consultant for a project that they're working on...
    Dogbert: (writing something down) Recommendation... downsize the loud guy.
    Loud Howard: UHHHHHHH, I TAKE IT BACK!
    Dogbert: Any one else wanna piece of me?!
    • PHB off-offhandedly mentions Howard's inability to keep a secret. Howard: "WHY DO YOU SAY THINGS YOU KNOW WILL HURT ME?" Keep in mind he said this while his mouth was gagged, showing exactly how useful doing such a thing to him is.
  • The celebrity judge for Dilbert's parental trial turns out to be "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.
  • Wally actually manages to be worse in the cartoon than he ever was in the comic strip. Among his schemes to do as much slacking as possible: going to interviews at other companies for the sole purpose of exploiting their desperation for experienced engineers during the dot com boom, exploiting the chaos caused by an impending merger and fear of layoffs from the HR department, and somehow always managing to avoid disciplinary action by appearing busy just as the Boss walks by.
  • Wally is apparently under the impression that you can transfer sick days between employees, as it's revealed in one episode he's been saving up his own sick days and trading others for theirs for years until he has enough to retire early. Of course, everyone else knows that not only can't you trade, but sick days don't accumulate, they expire at the end of each year, and are just using Wally to steal office supplies for them, as this is easier than ordering through the catalogue. He eventually finds this out after having mutated into a human-fly hybrid due to the incredibly unsanitary conditions of the office, and immediately begins twitching like a dying fly.
    • Hell, ALL the mutations in this episode qualify. Most of the employees end up with various mutations, such as Asok's head swelling up three times its size when he sneezes at one point, another man transforming into a hunchback and Alice's cold getting so bad it apparently turns into multiple sclerosis, as she eventually loses all muscle control and is confined to an electric wheelchair.
      • From the same episode, it turns out Wally is literally covered in insect fecal matter. Apparently flies just like him. By the end of the episode he has danger signs all over him.
      • Loud Howard loses his voice. Cue to the enormous celebration.
  • When discussing why the name shouldn't be the first step to make a product:
    Dilbert: How do you know what to make if you only have a title? Did the guy who invented the mouse pad start with the title?! What's a mouse pad!
    Wally (whispering to Alice): Feminine protection for mice!
    (Alice smacks him in the face with a book)
  • When Dilbert goes to the Big Mall to find his father, the PHB is at the cineplex there, having used Moviefone to try and check his stocks. While there, he does everything you're not supposed to do — switch between movies, jabber during the movie, and spoil movie endings for people in line, resulting in a horde of ushers chasing him.
  • Dogbert's financial discussion show, which includes three stock advisors and a bear from the circus. The results are predictable.
    Dogbert: No, I don't think faces grow back.
  • The Pointy-Haired Boss's Brutal Honesty:
    PHB: This is very hard for me to say...well, actually it's not: you're fired. Clean out your desk and leave.
  • From The Dupey:
    Dilbert: Do you know where the landfill is?
    Garbageman [Deadpan]: This might seem odd to you, but I do. Get in.
  • In "Charity", the PHB chooses the company's "charity co-ordinators" (i.e people to walk around begging for donations) from a pool of their most useless employees.
    PHB: Wally
    Wally: Hey, top of the list four years in a row! Woo-woo!
    Wally: Hmm, tough competition.
    • The other charitable causes, which include organizations such as "Farmers Who Are Afraid of Cows", "Women Who Cut their Hair too Short and Don't Realize How Bad it Looks" and "Mountain Goats With Three Legs". That last one is just hiding it's fourth leg behind it's back though.
    Dilbert: Why don't they just change jobs?
    • The ex-pro basketball player who had his life turned around by the charity group after he got hooked on drugs.
    Player: I was a star, life was good, until I turned to drugs and alcohol. Actually, that was pretty good too, I love drugs and alcohol!


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