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Funny / Dilbert

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Comic strip

  • Everyone gets a CMOF here, the seventh panel most emphatically of all.
  • The PHB's epic moment of revenge for his secretary's plotting: here.
  • Catbert.
  • Future Wally: here.
  • Alice also gets a few
  • And of course, Dilbert
  • Carol
  • In one story, Dilbert accidentally kills a CEO with an ear of corn and is sent to jail. The very tough-looking criminal looks at the skinny Dilbert and asks what he's in for. Dilbert responds with how he killed a man with an ear of corn... then looks over and says "Oh hey! Corn for lunch!", causing the toughened criminal to look legitimately scared.
  • The elves and their weirdness and extreme failures to impress Dilbert and Dogbert.
    • The elves try to impress Dogbert with elf magic — the old Pull a Rabbit out of My Hat trick. Unfortunately, the rabbit turns out quite a bit tougher than they are. Nonetheless, they seriously think the Intimidation Demonstration went well until the rabbit forced one of them to eat a bug.
    • The elves present demands to Dilbert, who thinks it would be funny to flatten their pointy hats with a pancake turner. Cut to the next panel, where the flat-hatted elves are lamenting the low standards of humor.
    • Ratbert tries to infiltrate the elves and gives a crazy possibility for the Secret Handshake...which the elves nonetheless admit is a good guess.
  • Dilbert's project is behind schedule because the vendor delivered defective equipment and the PHB says he should have chosen a more reliable vendor:
    Dilbert: You told me to use this vendor because the sales guy took you golfing and bought you a hat.
    PHB: Well, you should have seen that coming and burned down all hat factories a year ago.
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  • The PHB describes a customer satisfaction survey in which the focus group spontaneously went berserk and started stabbing the researchers with pencils. What's funny is that he actually considers this an improvement because last year the group's attack was premeditated.
  • Using a microscope, Dilbert discovers a tiny, subatomic civilization, and is quite excited.
    Dilbert: Let me get you focused a bit better. *CRUNCH*
    • Cut to Dilbert sitting outside with his hands over his eyes.
    Dogbert: My favorite part was when you said, "I mean you no harm."
  • This exchange:
    PHB: I've decided to move to a rolling forecast.
    Dilbert: So, the problem is that forecasts are worthless, and your solution is to do more of them?
    (Death Glare from the PHB)
    Dilbert: If my sarcasm is a problem, I can solve that by doing more of it.
  • The boss tries to pitch in.
  • The boss tries to improve communications.
  • Dogbert suggests a new name for the company.
  • Dilbert's sand-filled stressbuster backfires:
    PHB: You need a new kybard? What's a kybard?
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  • In one series of strips, Dilbert briefly became CEO:
    Dilbert: (thinking) The employees respond to my merest gesture. This gesture means 'all is well.'
    Employee: We tossed Johnson out the window like you gestured, sir.
    Dilbert (thinking) Oops.
  • A strip featuring Dogbert as a police negotiator contained Dogbert convincing a criminal to surrender. It's followed by the police (wielding donuts) opening fire. What really makes it funny is Adams' recollection of it. Apparently it originally involved the police being shown holding guns and opening fire, and then holding guns and with a single panel of just gun noises, but he was forced to change it both times. Not because it implied the police were shooting a surrendering suspect, but because it clearly showed firearms being fired.
  • Wally is wearing noise cancellation headphones.
    Wally: What?
    PHB: I said, are you wearing noise cancellation headphones?!
    Wally: What?
    PHB: I SAID...
    Dilbert: This won't end well.
  • The PHB makes Dilbert write a rebuttal to his own recommendation, and when Dilbert complains about this, the PHB makes him write himself up for insubordination. Later, Dilbert tells Dogbert about this and Dogbert replies, "Mock yourself and go to bed."
  • This strip of Ratbert as an overpowered consultant, which Scott Adams pointed as an example of a strip with so many humorous elements that virtually everyone can find something to laugh about in it in The Joy of Work.
  • Dilbert: "I wonder what would happen if you let [the Senators] talk as long as they wanted. I bet they'd starve to death... but there's probably a downside."
  • "I cannot allow this withdrawal."
  • Dogbert bluffs his way through a square dance call.
  • Dogbert tells a hapless customer how to make a pie chart:
    Dogbert: Crush your computer into small chunks, add flour and bake one hour. While you're waiting, read the free novel we sent you. It's a Spanish story about a guy named "Manual." Repeat the process until you get the desired result.
    Customer (reading while baking): This lost a lot in the translation.
  • An unintentional example where the joke is on Scott: a strip where the joke is supposed to be that the black diversity hire identifies himself as white is an old worn-out bit when viewed online, but viewed monochrome in a newspaper there is no clue whatsoever that he's supposed to be dark skinned and it comes off as a completely different joke. The result is much funnier.

Animated Series

  • Dogbert tricking Dilbert into changing the temperature of his voice activated shower. First changing it to 14 (the age Dilbert rode a full bicycle) degrees, and then to 2001: A Space Odyssey degrees. When Dilbert gets out of the shower, he's beet red, and his towel catches fire.
  • The very first exchange with the PHB.
    PHB: Well, there's no sense in killing a dead horse.
    Dilbert: You mean there's no sense in beating a dead horse.
    PHB: Why would anyone beat a dead horse?
    Dilbert: Why would anyone kill a dead horse?
    PHB: Maybe it kicked ya!
    Dilbert: It's dead!
    PHB: And so is every customer who used our flagship product.
  • In "Little People", Dilbert, Wally, and Alice get to a vendor meeting before everyone else, only to find that all of the food had already been eaten. When the other employees arrive and begin accusing them, Alice tells one of the accusers to look at something on a nearby table; when he does, she slams his face into it.
    Dilbert: You beat a man senseless!
    Alice: He was senseless before I beat him.
    • At the end of the episode, Dilbert tries to help the Little People, but ends up getting so annoyed by their constant partying that he has Dogbert round them up and sell them as limited edition toys.
  • Wally's bit of Insane Troll Logic here
    Dilbert: How about we use the money to give raises to those who worked hard to make this bonus possible?
    Wally: That would discriminate against those of us who didn't work as hard.
    Alice: If we started rewarding lazy people like you, the whole system would fail.
    Wally: {arms crossed} Oh, that's the same argument they used to deny women the right to vote.
    Alice: {annoyed} Are you comparing your laziness to the Woman's Suffrage Movement?
    Wally: There are many similarities.
    Alice: Name one!
    Wally: Women weren't allowed to vote, and I'm too lazy to vote. In both cases, there's taxation without representation.
    Alice: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
    Wally: {curt} Bigot.
  • When signing for Dilbert's new computer, PHB signs for it with the name "Eunice" and says its an alias he uses for line-dancing. When the delivery guy mentions that you don't need an alias to go line dancing, the PHB replies, "You do when you kick as hard as I do"
    • Later in that same episode, we see one of the people PHB used to line-dance with under the Eunice alias. He's in a wheelchair, and reminisces about when Eunice showed up wearing steel toed boots.
    • In the same episode, we also find out he regularly commits postal fraud by using the names "Jim Smith" and "Bob Johnson" at the post office. And completely unintentionally at that, he's under the impression that the names are some sort of secret code word, and the postal workers never bother asking for ID!
    • Dilberts duel against Comp-U-Comp, which consists of three challenges; chess (which Comp-U-Comp wins by predicting every single move Dilbert could possibly make before the board is even set up), Scrabble, and surprisingly enough, Badminton. Even more surprising, the badminton match is very even... until Alice points out that the only reason it's an even match is because Dilbert keeps hitting the shuttlecock so hard it keeps bouncing back to him from the completely inanimate (and limbless) Comp-U-Comp. Dilbert ends up bouncing a light hit, winning the match, and Comp-U-Comp whines about a leg injury. The fact that he's voiced by Jerry Seinfeld makes it even funnier.
    Comp-U-Comp: I hurt my leg! OW OW!!
    Dilbert: You don't have a leg! Tie score!
    • All of this becomes a Brick Joke at the end of the episode, after Dilbert and Dogbert defeats Comp-U-Comp. The company ends up being taken over by Dilbert's company, and the PHB is named CEO.
    Reporter: A new CEO was named, Bob Johnson! *a photo of the PHB is shown on the screen* Also known as "Jim Smith", also known as "Eunice". In an unexpected move, he vowed to "loot the assets of the company", and, I quote, "skedaddle!"
  • The PHB playing chess against a pineapple... and losing.
    PHB: STUPID FRUIT! 3 out of 5?
  • Pretty much everything Loud Howard says.
    • His first appearance guaranteed him Ensemble Dark Horse status: "I HEARD A RUMOR!" Everyone shushes him and he apologizes, then continues even louder, "I HEARD A RUMOR!!"
    • "SOMETIMES I JUST FIND STUFF AFTER I TALK." (Mitten falls from the ceiling)
      • (puts mitten on) "Ooh!"
    • "I'm afraid of tiny people! They can run in your mouth! (Confused looks from everyone at the table) Am I the only one worried about that?!"
    • "I'd like to be treated like a human being just once!" (Wally gives Loud Howard a dog biscuit, which he promptly eats).
    • When Dilbert hires Dogbert as a consultant for a project that they're working on...
    Dogbert: (writing something down) Recommendation... downsize the loud guy.
    Loud Howard: UHHHHHHH, I TAKE IT BACK!
    Dogbert: Any one else wanna piece of me?!
    • PHB off-offhandedly mentions Howard's inability to keep a secret. Howard: "WHY DO YOU SAY THINGS YOU KNOW WILL HURT ME?" Keep in mind he said this while his mouth was gagged, showing exactly how useful doing such a thing to him is.
  • The celebrity judge for Dilbert's parental trial turns out to be "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.
  • Wally actually manages to be worse in the cartoon than he ever was in the comic strip. Among his schemes to do as much slacking as possible: going to interviews at other companies for the sole purpose of exploiting their desperation for experienced engineers during the dot com boom, exploiting the chaos caused by an impending merger and fear of layoffs from the HR department, and somehow always managing to avoid disciplinary action by appearing busy just as the Boss walks by.
  • Wally is apparently under the impression that you can transfer sick days between employees, as it's revealed in one episode he's been saving up his own sick days and trading others for theirs for years until he has enough to retire early. Of course, everyone else knows that not only can't you trade, but sick days don't accumulate, they expire at the end of each year, and are just using Wally to steal office supplies for them, as this is easier than ordering through the catalogue. He eventually finds this out after having mutated into a human-fly hybrid due to the incredibly unsanitary conditions of the office, and immediately begins twitching like a dying fly.
    • Hell, ALL the mutations in this episode qualify. Most of the employees end up with various mutations, such as Asok's head swelling up three times its size when he sneezes at one point, another man transforming into a hunchback and Alice's cold getting so bad it apparently turns into multiple sclerosis, as she eventually loses all muscle control and is confined to an electric wheelchair.
      • From the same episode, it turns out Wally is literally covered in insect fecal matter. Apparently flies just like him. By the end of the episode he has danger signs all over him.
      • Loud Howard loses his voice. Cue to the enormous celebration.
  • When discussing why the name shouldn't be the first step to make a product:
    Dilbert: How do you know what to make if you only have a title? Did the guy who invented the mouse pad start with the title?! What's a mouse pad!
    Wally (whispering to Alice): Feminine protection for mice!
    (Alice smacks him in the face with a book)
  • When Dilbert goes to the Big Mall to find his father, the PHB is at the cineplex there, having used Moviefone to try and check his stocks. While there, he does everything you're not supposed to do — switch between movies, jabber during the movie, and spoil movie endings for people in line, resulting in a horde of ushers chasing him.
  • Dogbert's financial discussion show, which includes three stock advisors and a bear from the circus. The results are predictable.
    Dogbert: No, I don't think faces grow back.
  • The Pointy-Haired Boss's Brutal Honesty:
    PHB: This is very hard for me to say...well, actually it's not: you're fired. Clean out your desk and leave.
  • From The Dupey:
    Dilbert: Do you know where the landfill is?
    Garbageman [Deadpan]: This might seem odd to you, but I do. Get in.
  • In "Charity", the PHB chooses the company's "charity co-ordinators" (i.e people to walk around begging for donations) from a pool of their most useless employees.
    PHB: Wally
    Wally: Hey, top of the list four years in a row! Woo-woo!
    Wally: Hmm, tough competition.
    • The other charitable causes, which include organizations such as "Farmers Who Are Afraid of Cows", "Women Who Cut their Hair too Short and Don't Realize How Bad it Looks" and "Mountain Goats With Three Legs". That last one is just hiding its fourth leg behind its back though.
    Dilbert: Why don't they just change jobs?
    • The ex-pro basketball player who had his life turned around by the charity group after he got hooked on drugs.
    Player: I was a star, life was good, until I turned to drugs and alcohol. Actually, that was pretty good too, I love drugs and alcohol!
  • Testing features Dogbert in space trying to fire a satellite laser to destroy an asteroid being aimed at Dilbert's prototype Gruntmaster 6000. Only beforehand, he misses and hits a person undergoing laser eye surgery.
    Doctor: You won't even feel the laser on your cornea.
    (space laser blasts the patient into nothing more than a smoldering skeleton)
    Doctor: Now that is embarrassing.
    • Even better is moments later when Dogbert finally hits the asteroid, causing it to break into several pieces. We cut back to the very same eye surgeon, talking to the patient's wife while her husband's still smoldering skeleton is barely perched on a wheelchair, wrapped in bandages.
    Doctor: When you take the bandages off, don't rip them off. Or he'll turn into a charred skeleton.
    (asteroid fragment immediately crushes said skeleton)
    Doctor: Someday, I'll look back at this and laugh.
  • The Dupey revolves around a new fad toy called The Dupey, in the style of other 90's fads such as the Furby or the Tamagotchi. For some reason, implied to be to drive up market demand, it's marketed long before the product actually exists! Naturally, Dilbert ends up being roped into designing the thing, which ends up looking like an adorable ball of fluff with arms and legs. Loud Howard faints at the sight.
    • When Dilbert first brings the Dupey home, Ratbert has a breakdown because he's not the cutest person in the family anymore.
    • Being Dilbert, turns out he's actually created a sentient artificial lifeform by accident, and it's still in its infant stage, meaning it cries at night looking for attention like a human baby. The next morning, he tries explaining the problem to the Boss.
    PHB: Sounds familiar. I remember when I'd be trying to sleep, and the little tykes would be crying all night in the next room, hehe...
    Dilbert: How'd you stop them?
    PHB: Didn't have to! Turns out I was in the wrong house!