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Funny / Archie Comics

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  • Jughead's mother after Jughead came back from the grocery store: "Jughead, I said four BUNS!"note 
  • Archie Andrews is pretty tame considering that it is about one of the horniest (yet virgin) teenage boys in America, and his escapades as he dates nearly every teenage girl in town (two of them steadily, and sometimes both at once). Very rarely it will get a bit risqué, such as in one story when Archie, Veronica, and Betty are at the beach. Betty and Veronica go swimming while Archie goes fishing and ignores them. Veronica, upset at being ignored, has Betty bring her her spare swimsuit, which she [Veronica] hooks onto Archie's fishing line and claims that he ripped it off her body. Archie runs and steals a beach towel for her to cover up with and throws it to her. Veronica emerges from the water wrapped in the towel, when the towel's owner shows up and demands it back. Of course, at this point Archie thinks she is stark naked underneath, so when she casually takes it off to return it, Archie faints from shock. That is not the funny part. The funny part is the reaction of two 12-year-old boys who witnessed this:
    Boy #1: What made him faint?
    Boy #2: The sight of her in a swimsuit.
    Boy #1: Eh, I've seen better.
    • Something similar happened when Betty decided to soak in some Vitamin D in her backyard. Her mother advises her to use an older, moth-riddled swimsuit (grass stains are hard to remove) as a safety precaution. Archie thinks that she is going buff and tries to warn her that the backyard is not exactly a good place for privacy. Betty, not wanting Archie to see her in the ruined swimsuit, grabs a towel and covers her front side as soon as she hears him. And then Jughead shows up behind Betty, and Archie thinks Jughead saw the goods. Not knowing why Archie is panicking, Betty decided to throw in the towel...literally. Archie faints before he could find out the truth.
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  • Jughead in "At a Loss for Words":
    Jughead: And don't ever let me catch you doing that again, Hot Dog!
    Archie: What's the matter, Jug?
    Jughead: Hot Dog makes me so mad!
    Archie: Why?
    Jughead: He tried to chew my pocket dictionary!
    Archie: What did you do to him?
    Jughead: I took the words right out of his mouth!
  • The Riverdale High school board is having the walls repainted without Mr. Weatherbee's knowledge. Since it is going to be painted over anyway, Svenson allows the students to draw on the walls. Mr. Weatherbee catches them, leading to this exchange:
    Mr. Weatherbee: Are you children deliberately defacing school property?!
    Archie: No sir, we're scribbling on the walls.
    *cue Angrish*
  • In an older story, Riverdale High is holding a 'Girls-ask-boys' type dance, and Archie and Reggie are happy that it will be the girls' to sweat over getting a date ready. But Jughead points out that it's "First come first served", leading to the boys running from some Abhorrent Admirers. The next day, the school staff see the three come out from some unusual places; Mr. Weatherbee spots Archie coming down from a tree, Ms. Grundy sees Jughead coming out from a sewer drain, and Prof. Flutesnoot catches Reggie entering his class through the window. Weatherbee and Grundy weren't impressed with the last one until Flutesnoot tells them, "It's a good trick if you can do it...I'm on the fifth floor!"
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  • After Valerie takes a stroll up Memory Lane, and witnesses some of the ups and downs that could ensue if she marries Archie, she peeks at some alternate "paths" for who could become Archie's wife. Some of them have their fair share of drama-Archie as Cheryl Blossom's Henpecked Husband, Sabrina becoming Brought Down to Normal as punishment for marrying a mortal, Josie marrying Archie to create a Love Triangle-but Hilarity Ensues when Valerie encounters some Crack Pairings (including one that pairs Archie with Ethel).
    I gotta get out of here! Too much information! Way too much information! Stop the madness!
  • In one story, Betty became obsessed with internet chatrooms to the point where she was using chatspeak in real life, much to the confusion of all her friends. Archie eventually finds the perfect way to get a proper response out of her.
    Archie: Hey, Betty, will you go steady with me?
    Betty: (jumps into Archies arms) YEEEEEEEES!
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  • In a short comic, Dilton is tutoring Moose on learning new and complex words which doesn't go well, as Moose misunderstands what Dilton is trying to explain to him. When Mrs. Grundy steps in and asks if there is a problem, Dilton tries to defuse the situation by telling her "that they're just having trouble with an Idiom" which, unintentionally and indirectly, offends Moose.
    Moose: "Duhhh hey! Who are you calling an Idiom!?"
  • One older cover has Archie, Jughead, and several girls in Archie's car. Cue the following exchange between the mechanic examining it and Jughead.
    Mechanic: What kind of oil do you use?
    Jughead: Well, first he tells them how beautiful they are...
  • One comic has Mr. Weatherbee repeatedly trying to talk to Archie's parents about something. Archie worries that he's in some sort of trouble, so when Mr. Weatherbee drops by to visit, he comes running out in a dress and wig, pretending to be the new owner of the Andrews home and that there is a very sick child inside.
    Archie: It's no wonder the Andrews family moved away so quickly. I must remember to buy a quarantine sign!
    • This, of course, doesn't work, so when Mr. Weatherbee goes inside and meets with Mr. Andrews, Archie comes running in, screaming how there is a gas leak that will blow them sky-high. Everyone panics and runs outside...until Mr. Andrews remembers that they don't use gas-powered appliances.
    • In a last-ditch effort to save himself, Archie interrupts Mr. Weatherbee's parent-teacher conference at the school by bringing in Reggie to plead his case. Reggie does this by rattling off all of Archie's various pranks (which Mr. Weatherbee copies down) and then starts framing Archie for some of his own pranks, figuring that he might as well tie up some loose ends as long as Archie is in trouble. And the kicker? The reason Mr. Weatherbe wanted to talk to the Andrews was because he wanted to tell them about a school event.
  • Archie once accidentally put Betty to sleep by stroking her nose (she claims beforehand that it was how Mr. Cooper puts her to sleep in her cradle days). After many failed attempts at waking her up, Veronica suggests a kiss on the lips, which works. Mr. Weatherbee, telling the story to Ms. Grundy, decides to demonstrate it with Jughead...and he falls asleep! Weatherbee, thinking Archie has got the "magic lips", tells him that he should wake Jughead up the same way. Archie's Freak Out! at having to kiss his best friend in the middle of the school corridor was very understandable.
  • One earlier short strip has Jughead warning Betty that Archie takes fishing very seriously. She doesn't listen, dives into the water, and hooks her swimsuit to make Archie reel her in. In the final panel, she is suspended upside-down as a fishing trophy while Jughead takes a picture and says, "I Told You So."
  • While on a free period to get acquainted with some new computers, Archie and the gang decide to have some fun by using the computer's photoshop feature to mess with pictures of the faculty (taken from the yearbook). Miss Grundy comes in to check up on them; she doesn't see their work, but she did save them on file, planning to show them off in the next faculty meeting. One Gilligan Cut later, and the entire class is now in line at the airport's ticket terminal.
    Archie: Do you have a group rate on one-way tickets to Mexico?
  • In one story, Betty and Veronica are jointly performing at some event and their fathers jointly attend the event to watch them. The girls are worried about how will their fathers interact, as they have never been friends, have very little in common, and often vocally express their opposing political beliefs (in this story, whether taxcuts stimulate the economy or not). They notice awkward silence between the two men, and fear that the night will end in a fight. They relax at seeing the two men amiably chatting and laughing about something, but they are too far from them, to hear what is causing their mirth. The story has the fathers bonding through something they have in common: how ridiculous they find Archie and his goofs. They are happily exchanging stories about some of his most embarassing moments.
  • In a story called "It's all an Act", Veronica has to perform a part in the school play. Her scene involves a woman angrily reprimanding her lover for arriving late at a meeting and leaving her waiting. Mr. Morgan, her acting teacher, feels that she fails to put enough emotion in her acting and depict real rage. In the night of the performance, Archie (who is playing the lover) arrives hours later than he should, and after having Veronica worried that she will not be able to perform her scene without him. Right on stage, Veronica starts reprimanding Archie with all her real rage. She does not even care about the play's scipt or her lines anymore. Mr. Morgan starts enthusiastically praising the apparent improvement in Veronica's acting skills, while Betty whispers to someone else that "Ron isn't acting" and Veronica is threatening to punch a rather intimidated Archie.
  • One early story had the students taking a physical and the doctors being repeatedly baffled by Jughead's blood test results. They eventually tell him that, instead of blood, they found hamburger gravy and pull a Screw This, I'm Outta Here!.
    Archie I knew it! I knew it! Jughead has hamburger juice instead of blood!
  • One story has Betty outright tell Archie that he is Veronica's Extreme Doormat when he tells her that Veronica called him over and he drops everything to go do so. The reason she did so was to showcase her learning the Japanese art of massaging someone's back by walking on them. When everyone meets up at the beach later on and Veronica's footprints are all over Archie's back (courtesy of dirty gym mats), Betty utterly loses it at learning that her "pet doormat" comment wasn't that far off after all.
  • Due to a breakdown in communication after two knives in the cafeteria suddenly become magnetic, the rumor ball rolls until everyone believes that Riverdale High is become a magnet school. When the superintendent arrives to eventually set things straight and find out how everything began, he ends up giving detention to the primary ones responsible: Archie, Jughead, Professor Flutesnoot, and Mr. Weatherbee!
  • Jughead asks his dad for help with a homework problem. After the two of them working together can't figure it out, they seek help from an even higher source: Jughead's grandpa!
  • Archie and Jughead are visiting Jug's grandma and find that she's letting some neighborhood kids use her garage for their band after they helped repaint her house. When the kids demonstrate that their band is pure Death Metal, the sounds cause the still-wet paint to fly off the house. Archie and Jughead get roped into the resulting punishment.
    Granny Jones: [holding the keys to the garage] Now, this time, you'll wait for the paint to dry before playing your music, yes?
    Everyone Else: Yes, Granny Jones!


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