Funny / Jack Rackam

2016- 2017 Episodes

Tycho Brahe

• The video begins with Jack singing a parody of "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" with the names of famous astronomers, but falters on the meter towards he end as he tries and fails to substitute a two-syllable word for "astronomer".
• The Running Gag of Jack nearly falling asleep while talking about the more scientific exploits of Brahe's life.
• Tycho's favorite drinking buddy was a rather unorthodox individual: a tame elk. At least until the elk had one too many one day and fell down a flight of stairs.

Napoleon III

• The Bait-and-Switch gag in the intro about which Napoleon the video is about.
• Jack quips that people really should have seen Napoleon III's grander ambitions coming when he opted to call himself "Prince-President" of France instead of just president.
• Otto von Bismark, the Chancellor of Prussia, goading Napoleon into declaring war using the diplomatic equivalent of childish schoolyard taunting. Napoleon falls for it and promptly gets his butt kicked.
  • His wife Eugénie's reaction to the loss is to bemoan that her husband didn't kill himself after the loss, which is oddly hilarious despite the dark implications.

Mao Zedong

• The video opens with Jack warning the audience about the controversial nature of the titular Chinese official, but then cuts himself off, realizing that the PRC doesn't have YouTube and that he can talk as much trash as he wants to.
• On his deathbed, Mao warns the PRC to not give China to his rival Deng Xiaoping because he's going to make the country "capitalist-y-er". And then the country was given to Deng Xiaoping, who did indeed make it capitalist-y-er.

Eleanor of Aquitaine

• The several comparisions of Eleanor to a certain modern major general.
• Eleanor's uncle Raymond is portrayed as Ray Barone, and is also apparently the inventor of the Holy Hand Grenade.
• The irony that Eleanor got her divorce from her first husband Louis VII on the grounds of consanguinity, but then ended up marrying Henry II of England, to whom she was actually more closely related than she was to Louis.
• "England got a new king in the form of Richard I, known for having the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo."

Pompey the Great

• Jack points out that the most famous bust of Pompey bears an uncanny resemblance to Mel Brooks.
• Pompey's Serial Spouse tendencies.
• Pompey trying to convince Sulla to let him throw a triumph for himself after a successful campaign.
  Pompey: Hey, can I throw a triumph?
  Sulla: You did good, kid, but we only do that kind of thing for consuls and praetors-
  Pompey: C'mon, I'm hot stuff, you're old news. What are ya gonna do, kill me?
  Sulla: Well, no, but-
  Pompey: Alright, throwing a triumph! (pumps his fists in the air) Pompey!
  • Pompey's triumph is indeed glorious, at least until the elephants carrying his chariot couldn't fit through the city gates, so he had to awkwardly switch to horses in front of the bemused crowd.

Charles XII

• Charles spent the first few years of his reign living pretty large, partying it up with his cousin Frederick and causing chaos in the streets of Stockholm and throwing furniture out the palace windows. And when Frederick came back the following year, the pair got blitzed again and got a bear so drunk, it fell through a window.
  Jack: It was really dangerous to stand underneath the palace windows when Frederick was in town. You never knew what was going to come out of there.
• Charles' mighty battle cry as he attacks the Russian army facing him: LEEROOOOOYYY!! JEEEENKIIINS!!
  • The bowling pin sound effect when Charles barrels into Peter I makes it even funnier.
• Jack mentions how Charles' decision to invade Russia in the winter is one of the biggest military no-no's someone can make, and the scene is punctuated by Napoléon Bonaparte and Adolf Hitler each shedding a Single Tear over the situation.

Tokugawa Ieyasu

• Jack opens the video by saying he's going to talk about Japanese history, and promptly links the transcript of history of japan in the comments to avoid people making all the obvious references.
  Commentor: Tdlr: A lot of people support him, a lot of people support not supporting him.
• Ieyasu cracks down on the Christian missionaries who had been converting Japan's Buddhist citizens, and remarks that this was a good call considering what happened to other east Asian kingdoms.
  Jack: You know those Iberians; first they bring you Jesus, then they capture your people and take everything you own.

Isabella I

• Isabella is portrayed with an absurdly deep male voice for some reason.
• Isabella dodging the various suitors that Enrique tries to set her up with. When he tries to betroth her to his brother-in-law again, she cuts him off and demands to marry Ferdinand of Aragon instead, much to Enrique's frustration.
  Isabella: Look, I'm gonna marry this guy, and there's nothing you can do to stop me.
  Enrique: Are you kidding me?! That's literally the first guy I told you to marry!
  Isabella: Yeah, when I was six!

Humayun

• Jack immediately bungles Humayun's complicated Muslim name, and gripes that it's going to be a fun episode of mispronunciations.
• The Mugal people being represented by the Moogles.
• Humayun finally regains his throne after years of civil war against his brothers, but unfortunately it doesn't last for much longer. Barely six months after regaining Delhi, he was walking down the stairs in his library when heard the call to prayer, immediately turned to kneel, and fell to his death.
  Jack: Stairs, man! They're natural killers!

James K. Polk

• Jack's overly patriotic introduction of America and James Polk, coupled with the numerous contradictions of the so-called American perfectionism.
• The utterly hilarious comparison of Manifest Destiny to Lebenstraum.
  Jack: He promised he would take Texas, and Oregon, and California, and America would have all the Lebenstraum - Uh-duh, they would fulfil their destiny to manifest the continent. That-that does not sound better...
• Polk trying to ignore the issue of slavery is described as him "trying to stay as neutral as possible on the elephant in the room slowly fracturing the country's ribs."

Aethelstan

• The Dramatic Thunder that appears when Jack announces that he's going back to England before the Norman Conquest of 1066.
• Jack's irritation at the similar sounding Old English names of the nobility during this time period.
• Aethelstan marrying off his sister to the Duke of the Franks while giving away several religious relics.
  Aethelstan: Here you go! And here's a crown of solid gold, and Constantine's sword, and Charlemagne's lance, and a piece of the Crown of Thorns. Oh here, let me give you something to carry that in. (holds up the Ark of the Covenant)

Maria Theresa

• Charles XII's brief cameo as the cause of Augustus the Strong's dethronement.
  Charles: I WAS CHOSEN BY HEAVEN!
• Maria comes incredibly close to beating back Frederick and retaking Silesia in the Seven Years War, only for things to go sideways as her allies start dropping like flies, or in Russia's case, being replaced with a Prussian fanboy who undid everything Maria worked for.
  Jack: They had this in the bag! Until Elizabeth of Russia died and was replaced by a Prussian fanboy who opened the bag by backing out of the war. And then Sweden decided "Screw this, I'm going home!", leaving Austria alone with France, who's having a grand old time being repeatedly gut-punched by Britain, and Spain, who's completely failing at invading Portugal.
• Frederick the Great trying to convince Maria to take parts of Poland.
  Frederick: Hey butterbiscuit! Russia fought a war with the Ottomans, so now we're taking parts of Poland! You want some?
  Maria Theresa: What? No, Frederick, you can't just take Poland.
  Frederick: Tough luck, honeynut, because we're doing it with or without you. Better get while the getting's good!

Machiavelli

• Pope Innocent VIII's drunken argument with the king of Naples over the throne.
  Innocent VIII: (slurring) No! No, you don't get to be king anymore! G-God wants France to have Naples because his grandfather...(hiccups) married something.
  • A cardinal later speaks up for Charles VIII to "inherit" Naples and tells the king to "screw the Pope" and go to war anyway. Charles points out the hypocrisy, which causes the cardinal to awkwardly slink away.
• Machiavelli having a meeting with Cesare Borgia and his father Pope Alexander VI, while also trying to ignore all the orgies in the background.

2018 Episodes

Ali

• Ali's introduction to the tune of "Prince Ali".
• Jack's repeated attempts to avoid stepping on any toes when discussing the origins of Islam. At one point when the subject of Muhammad's role as "Mawla" is brought up, a gaggle of hands suddenly appear and start pointing at Jack accusingly, as if telling him to watch his mouth.

Isembard Kingdom Brunel

• Isembard's numerous near-death experiences, including almost drowning in a flooded tunnel, getting stuck in a suspended basket over a 200 foot deep gorge, getting caught in a fire onboard one of his ships, and falling 20 feet from a broken ladder.
  • The ironic twist that after all these mishaps, Isembard ended up dying from a stroke is not lost on Jack, who laments that he should have died in a much cooler way.

Nero

• Seneca's multiple failed suicide attempts when a paranoid Nero orders him to kill himself.
  Seneca: (to his wife) Don't worry dear, no need to be alarmed. Little Nero sent these men, he'd like me to slit my wrists. Care to join me? (slits) Oh dear, not bleeding enough. Good thing I carry hemlock with me. (swallows the poison, which only causes his stomach to gurgle) Oh drat, I don't think I have quite enough. (to the guards) Tell you what, give me a hot bath. The steam will probably do me in.
• When the horsemen who were ordered to capture Nero arrive at his villa and discover him dead, one of the horses actually does the talking, and is appropriately horrified to see what happened.
  Horseman: Hey, the Senate wants to talk things out before - JESUS! What the hell happened here?!

Illiam Dhone

• Jack points out that even though the Isle of Mann hasn't been fully independent for hundreds of years, every great power in charge of it has either not cared to acknowledge it, or has completely forgotten about it entirely.
  Celtic lord: Eh.
  George III Oh my God, I forgot we had that.
• Despite the fact that Colonel Robert Duckenfield has a proper statue, Jack insists on representing him as as Donald Duck in a military uniform.

Innocent III

• Jack's several different nicknames for Innocent III, mainly due to his Ironic Name of "Innocent" while also being a warmongering xenophobe. He alternates between a few, including Pope Questionable, Pope Negligent, and Pope Malevolent.
• Phillip II of France sticking up for Phillip Hohenstaufen when Innocent snubs the latter's claim to the Holy Roman Empire, while simultaneously giving the finger to his arch enemy of England.
  Phillip: Come hell or high water, Phillips stick together! Bite me, England!
• Jack noticeably corpses in the middle of Innocent's big dramatic speech about organizing the Fourth Crusade, which any fan of history will know is an appropriate reaction considering how much of an Epic Fail it was.
  Innocent: I'm not just calling on this Crusade; I'm going to organize it myself! I claim full responsiblility! For this will be my eternal legacy!
  (Jack starts snickering)
  Jack: It was the Fourth Crusade. He led the Fourth Crusade.
  • To elaborate, the Crusade's mission was to liberate the remaining Christians in Egypt, but the Venetians refused to transport the crusaders unless they attacked the city of Zara in exchange. What resulted was a mass of easily distractable soldiers marauding their way across the country and eventually wound up in Byzantine territory, where they got roped into helping a disposed prince regain his throne in Constantinople. Which they also promptly sacked.
  • The lead-up to the Crusaders sacking Zara.
  (The Crusaders crowd outside the city walls, shouting "Deus vult!")
  Zara citizen: Whoa, whoa, whoa! We're Christian, we're Christian! God does not want this!
  Crusaders: Hmmmmmm....
  Doge Dandolo: Ego volo.^note "I want."
  (The Crusaders go charging in shouting "Dandolo vult!")
  • Innocent's reaction when the Crusaders return home following the completely unnecessary sack of Constantinople.
  Innocent: What the hell did you do? What the hell did you do?! You are all excommunicated, this is unacceptable! (A bunch of soldiers carrying religious treasures walk by behind him) It's a shame I can't do anything about it! Oh well, better go establish some dioceses.

2019 Episodes

Pedro I

• Pedro's nickname for his mother Carlota, which is fully censored out with an extended bleep.
• The list of demands brought forward by the general during the mutiny in Brazil, which scrawled in child-like handwriting, has some decent points, but also has a few extra suggestions thrown in.
  ->Sign the Portuguese constitution
  ->A year's supply of Hot Pockets
  ->A microwave in which to heat said Hot Pockets
  ->Fire some guys
• Pedro decides to leave Brazil to help his daughter Maria defeat her treacherous regent/fiancé/uncle, and in doing so, hands the reigns of power over to his young son while naively hoping that things won't go to hell.
  Pedro: Anyway, I'm leaving my five-year-old son in charge under the care of a triumvirate of regents who will definitely not step over him and fight each other for power. Also his guardian is a guy who has a track record of exiling political enemies and slandering me relentlessly. Take care!

Wu Zetian

• Jack's attempt to explain that being a concubine of the emperor wasn't a form of sexual slavery, which ultimately makes it sound worse.
  Jack: Now, being the emperor's concubine wasn't like you were a Sex Slave or anything. More like a live-in maid or secretary, who's job also happened to include some schtupping and a contract forbidding outside relationships. And you may not have been forced, depending on the emperor, just pressured into it at an age below that of consent. It's a subtle difference.
• The increasing amounts of Black Comedy that comes from Wu constantly murdering advisors and family members who get in her way or stop being useful to her.
• When discussing a theory that Wu may have murdered her own infant daughter to pin the blame on the empress, the scene is punctuated by a hilariously inappropriate squeaky toy sound as Wu strangles the baby.

Jan van Leiden

• The bit with Martin Luther and the German peasants, and his awkward attempt to disassociate with their actions due to their own interpretations of his works.
  Peasant: Yeah, maybe we shouldn't be following the authority of the Pope.
  Luther: Well, um...
  Peasant: In fact, we're all brothers and sisters in Christ. Maybe we should push for greater equality!
  Luther: No, that is not what-
  Peasant: In fact, maybe it's high time we got control over our working conditions!
  (The peasants go running off with a hearty cheer, only to be run down by soldiers)
  Luther: I swear to God, I'm not with them!
• Jan Matthys tries to One-Man Army his way into fighting the prince-bishop's forces, with predictable results.^note Jack also mentions in the show notes that Matthys' genitals were cut off and nailed to the city gates.
  Matthys: God of David, give me strength to overcome my foes.
  Prince-Bishop: Is... Is he coming to parlay?
  Matthys: (picking up running speed) God of Shadrach, protect me from harm!
  Soldier: I think... I think he wants to fight.
  Matthys: (charging wildly) God of Joshua, tear down the walls of all who- (Is promptly swarmed by a mob of soldiers)
  • Jan van Leiden then tries to rally the people of Muenster with his own "godly connection" in the wake of Matthys' death.
  Jan van Leiden: Fear not, citizens! For God has spoken to me! And he said I should be in charge now, and hook up with Matthys' wife.

Ivan IV

• Ivan's take on It's Quiet… Too Quiet when he decides to attack the city of Novgorod.
  Jack: (narrating) The city of Novgorod is doing alright. Too alright...So alright, they might start getting ideas about defecting. Someone better put a stop to all that alright-ness...
  (Smash Cut to the city in flames)
• Ivan competing with Henry VIII for the title of "History's Worst Husband", complete with his own variation of the "Divorced beheaded, died" rhyme.
  Jack: There's even a little rhyme to help you remember it. It goes: Poisoned, poisoned, poisoned, nunnery, nunnery, survived. There's a reason Henry's wives are more well known.

Menelik II

• Jack decides to represent the Ethiopian army officer Mohammed Ali as Muhammad Ali, since the only available pictures of the former are in incredibly low quality.

Henry VIII

• Henry repeatedly hiding in the bushes to avoid Catherine of Aragon in the lead-up to their marriage.
• After the unfortunate passing of Henry and Catherine's first son and several miscarriages, Henry is finally blessed with another beautiful boy. Only it's not Catherine's. Cue Henry awkwardly scooting his way over to France to escape the drama.
• During Henry's visit to France, he bonds with King Francis over a "friendly" wrestling match. But as Francis gains the upper hand and pins Henry, the English king abruptly bursts through his palace doors shouting "We're going to war with France!"
• Henry's three options for getting a male heir are presented as thus: #1. Marry his daughter Mary off to someone as soon as possible and hope for a grandson, #2. Ask the Pope to legitimize his current son Henry Fitzroy, or #3. Ask the Pope to let him break up with Catherine and marry his mistress' hotter sister. He picks option three, and when the Pope refuses, he storms off declaring that he'll make his own church.
  Pope: Are you kidding me?! You wrote the book on papal supremacy!^note In reference to Henry's book The Defence of the Seven Sacrements
  Henry: Yeah, well not anymore!
  (cut to Henry hanging out with Anne Boleyn)
  Anne: You seriously said that?
  Henry: (smugly) I seriously said that!
  Anne: And you seriously think the whole country will go for it?
  Henry: Honey, three popes ago, we were fighting France because they helped the pope too much in Italy. I bet you that my church will be the norm in no time. And I bet you in a hundred and fifty years, Catholics will be so reviled that the people of England will invite a Dutch prince to invade their country rather than settle for a Catholic monarch.
  Anne: That's...oddly specific. What about Ireland?
  Henry: Eh, I'm sure it'll work itself out.

2020 Episodes

Theodore Roosevelt

• Jack compares Teddy's manliness to those old Chuck Norris videos from the mid-2000's.
• Teddy gets a phone call from his doctor, telling him that he shouldn't be participating in any activities that might trigger his asthma, and begins listing off the potential effects. Smash Cut to Teddy scaling a huge mountain range mid-conversation.
  Teddy: Gonna stop ya right there, chief. Live fast, die young. Know what I'm sayin'?
  Doctor: (worryingly) Where are you right now?
• The Black Comedy moment of Teddy losing his mother not long after his daughter's birth.
  Teddy: (sighs as a hand is placed on his shoulder) Thank God I have you for support, honey.
  (Teddy turns around, expecting his wife, only to be faced with a doctor)
  Teddy: Where's Alice?
  (cut to Teddy's wife abruptly dropping dead in her bed)
• Teddy trying to weasel his way into fighting in World War One, only for President Wilson to be a buzzkill and deny him the chance.

Cleopatra

• Jack describes Cleopatra's family tree as the Ptolemies "Playing Screw, Marry, Kill with each other for 200 years", which is a hilariously apt summary of the entire Ptolemaic dynasty.
• Cleopatra starting a Kickstarter to "put down" her brother/husband.
• Caesar trying to discipline the rowdy Egyptians in the same way a beleaguered parent would try to corral their unruly children.
  Caesar: I swear to Jove, I will turn this chariot around!
  • And even after Caesar deals with the rebellion that Ptolemy himself caused, the little brat still isn't happy with his lot because "Cleopatra's on his side of the empire."
• Caesar locking Ptolemy in a child's playpen in order to make him and Cleopatra play nice with each other, only for Cleopatra to sneak her way out, locking her brother back in while doing so, and meeting up with Caesar in private for some..."diplomatic discussions".
• The beginning of Mark Antony and Cleopatra's courtship:
  Mark Antony: (writing her a letter) Hey. How you doin'?~
  Cleopatra: Come on over, my parents aren't alive!

Wojtek

• Stalin's realization that since he imprisoned all of Poland's soldiers and army officers, Poland doesn't have an army to defend against Hitler's invasion.
  Stalin: (to his commander) What happened to that buffer state in between us? (grabs his commander by the front of his shirt) What do you mean Poland doesn't have an army?!
  • Then the commander hastily grabs a handful of Polish prisoners and sends them out into the army, telling them to "defend our country".
  Soldier: D-do you mean Poland? Or Russia?
  Commander: Да^note "Yes", our country!
• While in Iran, the general's great-niece discovers an orphaned boy and a brown bear cub and is overwhelmed with pity, insisting that the army bring him along. "Him" being the bear cub.
  Niece: Poor thing! We simply must save him!
  General: Well alright, but just this once. Come along, we'll get you fixed up.
  (SLAP)
  Niece: The bear, Anatol! The bear!
• After learning that Wojtek was promoted to corporal, Jack reasons that, assuming the percentages were the same back then as they are in 2020, about 25% of all soldiers at the time were outranked by a bear.

Confucius

• Confucius' mother getting sent off to marry a man nearly sixty years her senior, with a healthy dosing of self-awareness about the Values Dissonance of the whole situation.
  Yan Zhengzai: Godda- (sighs) I think our loving father should decide whether or not his most devoted daughter should be sold off like cattle to - (gets shoved by her father into Kong He's arms) SO HELP ME-!

Emperor Zeno

• Jack describes Byzantine emperor Leo I as looking like a character in a Ryan George thumbnail.
• Zeno introducing himself to the emperor after helping to foil an assassination plot.
  Leo: Congratulations, my boy! What is your name?
  Zeno: My name is Tarasis Kodisa Rousombladadiotes.
  Leo: Holy s**t, no! How about "Zeno"?
  Zeno: That is also cool.
• The cartoonish level of Chronic Backstabbing Disorder that went on during the revolt against Zeno, all for everything to just fall apart and Zeno getting back the throne anyway.
  • One of the guys in on the plot against Zeno decides to promote his nephew to general, despite the fact that this guy was a completely incompetent soldier who's only claim to fame was parading around town cosplaying as Achilles.

Attila the Hun

• The Romans' reaction to Attila's armies attacking the Balkans.
  Soldier #1: Nah, they're only effective on horseback. Once they get to the city-
  Soldier #2: Sweet Jesus, they have siege weapons! Who the hell taught them how to make siege weapons?! Oh, right...
• In order to get out of an Arranged Marriage, the Roman emperor's sister Honoria decides to send Attila a letter asking for his help. She does this by shooting the arrow out a window, and the soldier it hits croaks out a rather familiar phrase.
  "Message for you, sir!"
  • Attila' s subsequent conversation with the emperor trying to "negotiate" the dowry, which Attila claims should be half of the Roman Empire.
  Valentinian III: (stammering) No, no, that wasn't on the table. She's exiled now. No connection. Nuh-uh, nope!
  Attila: Soooo...
  Valentinian III: Yes...
  Attila: What you're saying is...
  Valentinian III: Yes...?
  Attila: That I...
  Valentinian III: Yes...?
  Attila: ...Should take everything!
  Valentinian III: Yes! Wait, no!
  Aëtius: No!
  Visigothic king: Do it!
  Attila: Doing it!

Frederick II

• Pope Gregory VII and Holy Roman Emperor Henry IV going back and forth childishly deposing each other. Sounds familiar, actually...
  Gregory VII: Hey, Holy Roman Emperor Henry IV! You're not emperor, because only the pope gets to appoint emperors!
  Henry IV: Well you're not the real pope, because only the emperor gets to appoint popes!
  Gregory VII: You're excommunicated!
  Henry IV: Not if I excommunicate you first!
• Frederick returns home from crusade to some interesting developments:
  Servant: Welcome back! The bed's made, your dukes are very keen to hear from you, and we're at war with the pope.
• Pope Gregory IX tries to talk his way out of claiming responsibility for getting Fred's Italian vassals up in arms by claiming that technically, they're his vassals, because Constantine the Great (allegedly) gave all of Italy to the popes. Frederick immediately calls him out on his BS.
  Gregory IX: Actually, they're my vassals. Don't you remember when Constantine the Great gave all of Italy to the pope?
  Frederick: Uh, no Your Holiness. I don't remember that, because it never happened!
• After learning that his son Henry essentially gave all the states in the HRE full autonomy from the emperor, Frederick throws him in jail and says that he's "Not mad, just disappointed.".
• Frederick fighting with Gregory IX is illustrated by Frederick bashing Gregory over the back of the head with a steel chair, as if he were in a WWE match.

Hong Xiuquan

• Xiuquan's vision of "God" telling him to save people from worshipping demons.
  Vision!God: Hello son! I am your heavenly father, and this is your heavenly brother. And this is your heavenly wife, and this is your heavenly son. And this is your heavenly sister-in-law. Not making this up, this was all there. Anyway, everyone on Earth are worshipping demons! Here's an oversized sword and a new name. Go nuts!
• Hong Xiuquan finally making sense out of his vision and abruptly telling his cousin about his new mission.
  Xiuquan: Thanks man, but it's time to slay some demons!
  (Beat)
  Cousin: (nonchalant) Alrighty then!
• Despite the inherent coolness of Xiuquan's "demon-slaying buster swords", they were stolen when Xiuquan was on his way to meet with his cousin. Jack laments that thanks to this, we'll never know what those swords actually looked like.
• When bringing up how Xiuquan omitted the story of Lot and his daughters from his version of the Bible, Jack just censors the whole segment, understanding that there's absolutely no way to discuss that topic in a PG manner.
  • One of Lot's daughters actually has her breasts covered up with images of birds.

Hernan Cortes

• Jack tells the story of Cortes' upbringing, where he was expected to get a cushy government job so he could "live in a mansion with crystal knobs and big ol' knockers". You can clearly hear Jack trying and failing to keep his composure as he reads this.
• When Cortes learns that the Aztecs believe that he's a god, he whispers to his buddies that taking over the empire just got a whole lot easier.
  Cortes: Oh yeah, we're sacking the s**t out of this place!
• Cortes and his gang try to convince the Aztecs to let them install a giant cross and a statue of the Virgin Mary on top of one of their temples. Jack then elaborates that this would be the equivalent of walking into the Vatican and asking to install a 50-foot statue of Shiva.

Fritz Duquesne

• Fritz's first prison escape plays out as a direct reference to Dwight Schrute's "Perfect Crime" monologue.
  Jack: He's plotting his escape at midnight. Does he go for the cell bars? No, he goes for the tunnel; it's a classic. As he's scheming, a woman catches him. She tells him to stop. It's her father's jail. She's Dona Juana. He says no. They make love all night. In the morning, she unlocks his cell and he escapes in borrowed clothing. The ship's bound for Paris, but he continues to England. Doesn't trust her. Besides, he likes the overcast.
• Jack mentions how one of Fritz's misadventures involved working with a government official on a proposal to bring $250,000 worth of hippos into Louisiana as a potential food option. Jack notes that while this likely would have ended up as an environmental disaster, it would have been absolutely hilarious at the same time.
• Fritz awkwardly introducing himself as "Frederick Fredericks" when assigned as a German spy in Brazil. The hilarious part? They believed him.
• Fritz manages to finagle his way out of getting arrested again by faking paralysis, which Jack likes to interpret as him abruptly shouting "OH NO, MY LEGS!" and falling over when the cops walk in.

Richard the Lionheart

• The framing of the video itself is worth a laugh in and of itself, as Jack sounds like he's trying to tell a friend that their significant other is cheating on them.
  Jack: England...uh, Richard never loved you!
• In a Freeze-Frame Bonus moment, when Henry the Young King is talking to his brothers, one can see a medieval Metallica poster on their wall.
• When fighting against Henry II's army, the Scottish king William the Lion charges headfirst into the English lines shouting "Now we shall see which one of us are good knights!" And then he gets knocked off his horse and imprisoned.
  Jack: He was not a good knight.

2021 Episodes

Dmitry I

• Jack's Cold Open narration of how Dmitry came to power despite being pronounced dead at a young age, ranging from the young prince returning from the dead to aliens abducting him and abruptly returning him.
• Irina Godunova reluctantly retires to the convent after only nine days of disputed rule, but gives one final warning to the Russian people before she goes.
  Irina: Guess you guys aren't ready for that yet. But your great-great-great-great grandchildren are gonna love it!

Zoe Porphyrogenita

• Zoe's first husband awkwardly confronting Michael IV about his "relationship" with his wife.
  Romanos: Hey, uh, one of the eunuchs tells me he was fixing the locks and saw my wife sitting in your lap. You know what's up with that?
  Michael: (stuttering) Well, yeah, uh...The chair was giving her trouble, there - uh, I'm not sleeping with your wife.
  Romanos: Oh that's a relief. (camera slowly zooms in on him) Because he told me that after he got the tumbler to work, she was making out with you on the throne while you were were wearing my crown and sceptre, and she saw the guy open the door and told him she was gonna make you the emperor!
  Michael:....No, I don't think so.
  (Smash Cut to Zoe and Michael alone in a room)
  Zoe: We gotta kill him.
  Michael: We gotta kill him, yup.
• Jack's confusion at the surprisingly lenient way that Byzantine royals dealt with their rivals, choosing to exile and blind them rather than executing. He then jokes that if he ever has kids, he's going to tell them that all their pets "went to the monastery".
• In order to boost her influence at court, Zoe decides to marry a third time, Jack lists off the three potential suitors: Constantine, Constantine, and Constantine.

Cyrus the Great

• When Cyrus's grandpa goes to the oracles for an interpretation of his dream, which involved his daughter giving birth to fruit bearing vines and a vast flood, one of the oracles worriedly suggests that Mandane go see a gynecologist.
• Croesus of Lydia goes to visit the oracle at Delphi for advice on whether or not he'll succeed in his war against Cyrus, who tells him that he'll destroy a great empire if he goes to war with Persia. Croesus walks off satisfied that there's no way he can misinterpret that information, and promptly gets curbstomped by Cyrus.
  • The oracle herself is portrayed as an Erudite Stoner, and Jack describes her job as "huffing fumes in cave."

Shajar Al-Durr

• Louis IX of France trying to recruit for the Seventh Crusade, only to be interrupted by Pope Innocent IV telling him to tone down his religious fervor.
  Innocent IV: Whoa, hey. Maybe dial back on the "papal bull", yeah? That's kinda my thing.
  Louis IX: Will you not fight for the Holy Land?
  Innocent IV: Uh, right now I'm kinda busy.
  Louis IX: Busy? With what?
  Innocent IV: Uhhh...holy war?
  Louis IX: Holy war?!
  (Frederick II comes wandering into frame)
  Frederick: Yeah! Because apparently, capturing Jerusalem is punishable by excommunication!
  Pope Innocent IV: Well, maybe if you were willing to give up some of Italy...
  Frederick: I have dibs on Italy and you know it, you filthy Saracen!
  • Louis then tries and fails to convince the kings of Hungary and Norway respectively to join in.
  Louis: Hungary, my man! Are you ready to - Jesus, what happened to you?
  King of Hungary: What the f**k France?!
  Louis: Whoa, man, what's the-
  King of Hungary: Where the f**k where you?! These guys, they took over like half of Asia! They came in with an army big enough for the Continent! Where the f**k was everybody?!
  Louis: You know what always cheers me up? You ever seen the Holy Sepulchre?
  King of Hungary: Get the f**k out of my country!
  (Louis awkwardly slinks over to Haakon IV)
  Louis: Well, Norway. Looks like it's just you and me...
  Haakon: (unimpressed) What is my name?
  Louis:...I'm gonna go now.
• Louis being kept in a cage by Shajar for the duration of his captivity. She then wonders aloud why it's taking so long for the French to come rescue him, and we're treated to the sight of the French people rioting because they can't go save their king fast enough.
• The Caliph hastily accepts Shajar's new husband as the sultan, mainly because he wants Egypt to be in a stable position while he freaks out about the approaching Mongols.
  Caliph: Have you seen the outside lately? These guys called the Mongols just took over half of Asia and their army is on our doorstep! I think they look hungry...

Basil I

• Basil's rise to glory and fame starts off with a priest of St. Diomedes supposedly having a dream where the saint in question told him to greet the emperor outside his church. The following exchange is priceless.
  St. Diomedes: (in a ghostly tone) Wooooo-oo-ooh! Wake up! The emperor is at your doorstep! You must call out to him!
  Abbot: (mumbling) Hmph...weird dream.
  St. Diomedes: No, this is a prophecy! It's important! The emperor awaits you!
  Jack: So the abbot grumbles out of bed, grabs a sip of water, cracks open the door...and sees a homeless guy passed out on the stairs. He shuts the door, climbs back under the covers, and Diomedes says:
  St. Diomedes: You dense clown! I swear to God, I will slap you!
• The Running Gag of Basil using his good looks to charm his way into and out of any situation, from entering into a "specially officiated brotherly relationship" with the abbot who gave him shelter, to becoming the close companion of the emperor himself.
• Basil's dynamic with Emperor Michael III is riddled with moments of Ho Yay, including one gem of a moment where the two are shown enthusiastically enjoying each other's company on horseback while "Massachusetts" by Ylvis blares in the background.
• The way Basil met his end is worth more than a few laughs. While out on a hunting trip, he managed to get himself caught on a deer's antlers and was subsequently dragged 16 miles through the woods by his pants, and was so woozy upon being rescued that he mistook his saviour for a would-be assassin. Then he caught a fever and died.

Sejanus

• Tiberius childishly parading around Rome with the Praetorian Guard, flaunting how he controls one of the most powerful military divisions in the empire.
  Tiberius: Teehee, I own the police! Do what I say, or I break you!
• One of Sejanus' attempts to worm his way into the royal family involved him betrothing his daughter to Claudius' other son, but the marriage never came to pass due to the boy's early death. The funny part comes in when Jack describes how the kid died: He tried the "toss a piece of popcorn in the air and catch it in your mouth" trick with an entire pear and got it lodged down his windpipe.
• Sejanus tries once again to weasel his way into the royal family by trying to convince Tiberius to let him marry Tiberius' son's widow. Unsurprisingly it doesn't go well, and Tiberius nearly gives Sejanus the Emperor Palpatine treatment on the spot.

Caligula

• Jack brings up the fact that Caligula's name comes from a childhood nickname he received while travelling with his father on campaigns, where soldiers would coo over how adorable he was in his little child-sized marching boots. And so, one of the most infamous tyrants in history became known for millenia by a nickname that directly translates to "Bootsie".
• Caligula bribing various politicians to leave him alone by giving them exorbitant amounts of money and asking them to "pretty please" not kill him.
  Caligula: (sitting in a senator's lap) Please don't kill me! I've been a very good boy this year!

Louis XVI

• Prince Louis getting hastily shoved into a room with his arranged wife Marie Antionette, and is told by his grandfather that he'll be expecting some great grandchildren by February. Never mind the fact that the bride and groom are 14 and 15 years old respectively, and both are too socially awkward to do anything.
  Louis: So...uh, good to see you. Maria, right?
  Marie Anionette: Yeah.
  Louis: Do you mind if we...don't?
  Marie Anionette: Yeah. Let's not, no.
  Louis: Oh, thank God. I mean, not that you're, it's just -
  Marie Anionette: (awkwardly shuffles away) Yup...
  • The young couple then go to bed facing apart from each other, believing the most awkward part of the night is over. They are sorely mistaken and are confronted the next morning by an enthusiastic King Louis XV and court, shouting congratulations at them and holding up a huge banner reading "YOU DID IT! ALL NIGHT LONG!"
• Jack mentions how so long as France didn't take on any sudden expenditures, Louis would do just fine as king. Cue "The Star-Spangled Banner" blaring over a scene of The American Revolution.
  Louis: Turgot, do you see what I'm seeing?
  Turgot: Your Majesty, we mustn't.
  Louis: Turgot, who am I?
  Turgot: The King of France, Your Majesty.
  Louis: Correct. And if there's one thing, one thing, that I share with each and every one of my forefathers for the last thousand years, the very essence of what it is to be French, is this: with God as my witness, when I see an opportunity to stick it to the British I am going to take it!
• Louis calling in Lafayette to help against the protesters, and the latter does a somersault flip/trip into frame before awkwardly correcting himself.
• The protesters trying to break their way into the palace like a horde of zombies.
  Marie Anionette: They're inside the palace!

Robespierre

• Jack points out the hilarious irony that Robespierre initially opposed the death penalty in his early career. That's right, the man who orchestrated one of the most infamous revolutions in history and sent countless people to the guillotine was originally against the death penalty.
• King Louis XVI's "inspiring speech" to his wife when the mobs begin to storm Versailles.
  Louis: Dear, when the enemy is at the gates, even when their voices roar like thunder, even when they number more than the hairs on your head, you must remember there is always something you can do. (starts running for a secret passage) Book it! Go, go, GO!
• Louis runs to the Legislative Assembly for protection from the protesters, only to find the that the Assembly is also being targeted.
  Brissot: What are you doing?! Get down!
  Louis: What the - What are you doing? I thought I was the one under attack!
  Brissot: Well, you know how we decided not to prosecute Lafayette for his little "whoopsie" on the Champs de Mars? Yeah, turns out we're not revolutionary enough for the Revolution...
• Robespierre's Principal Skinner-like realization of his increasingly radical actions.
  Robespierre: Have I become the enemy of the people?! No...the people are the enemy of the people!
• The power and responsibility of running France unsurprisingly starts going to Robespierre's head, and his increasingly manic attempts to "serve the people" start unnerving his allies.
  Frenchman: Should I be worried?
  Robespierre: Only if you're guilty! (manic breathing) Anyone who's worried is GUILTY!

Napoleon Bonaparte

• Napoleon and Talleyrand being portrayed as roommates. Naturally this leads to plenty of shenanigans as the two continue to get on each other's nerves as Napoleon's ambitions get bigger.
• Napoleon casually deciding to be the King of Egypt after his fleet gets crushed by Admiral Nelson, only to bail on the war completely and return to France claiming that everything was a massive success.
  Napoleon: Don't read the newspaper.
• After gaining full power over France, Napoleon tells Talleyrand that he wants to elevate himself to the status of emperor. Talleyrand, exhausted by the near-constant chaos of the past few years, agrees, but warns Napoleon to not overdo it. Cue Napoleon's dramatic coronation.
  Napoleon: Behold, your new Augustus! The heir to Charlemagne! Emperor of France, King of Italy, and Master of All Europe! From this moment hence, I am France.
• Talleyrand trying (and failing) to convince Napoleon to avoid a naval battle with Britain.
  Talleyrand: Your Majesty, our navy is in no position to win a naval battle any time soon after the "Trafalgar incident"...
  (Smash Cut to Horatio Nelson charging blindly into the French fleet)
  Nelson: COWABUNGA!
• Talleyrand trying to convince Napoleon to dial back his aggressive attitudes towards the rest of Europe.
  Talleyrand: At least marry a princess so we can pretend to be on good terms!
  Napoleon: Fine! (under his breath) Ya sh*tstocking.
  Talleyrand: I heard that!
• Napoleon's attempt to invade Russia goes about as well as you'd expect. Which is to say, his grand army gets wiped out by the winter cold, and by the time they reach Moscow, everything has been scorched bare. One of Napoleon's soldiers tries to lighten the mood, but it doesn't help much.
  Soldier: Well, at least it's warmed up!
  (Dope Slap)

Zhu Yuanzhang

• Crown Prince Zhu Biao having an awkward conversation with his father about the latter's sudden escalation in executing so-called "traitors".
  Prince Zhu Biao: So, I can't help but notice you're killing everyone who risked their lives to build this dynasty for you. What's up with that?
  Zhu Yuanzhang: Son, China is like a rose. A beautiful and delicate thing I know one day you'll care for with love. But if you don't have the heart to strip its thorns, you will bleed.
  Prince Zhu Biao: That's a highfalutin way to kill a hundred thousand people.
  Zhu Yuanzhang: (warningly) Watch it, boy!

Spartacus

• Jack's hilariously Obviously Evil portrayal of Crassus, who's constantly surrounded by a sinister shadowy aura and has a raspy, snake-like voice that would give Palpatine a run for his money.

Xenophon

• Young Xenophon encounters a Persian prince in the marketplace who's recruiting for a rebellion, and while his friend Socrates is wary of such an idea, Xenophon is ecstatic at the possibility of improving his resume.
  • Socrates then gives a resigned sigh and tells Xenophon to go see the oracle if he's really serious about this. Xenophon's exchange with said oracle is priceless.
  Xenophon: O wise oracle! I come to you with questions about the war in Persia!
  Oracle: Let me see...(begins seeing visions of an intense battle) Oh...oh, merciful Hades! This war!
  Xenophon: Should I sacrifice to Ares or Apollo before I go?
  Oracle: My God, I hate to break it to you, but -
  Xenophon: (cuts her off) Ares or Apollo?
  Oracle:...Apollo.
  Xenophon: (dashes out of the cave past Socrates) She said I should start sacrificing!
• After getting cheated out of their pay and betrayed by the Persian army, Xenophon and his men try for years to get back home to Greece, with varying degrees of success and failure.
  • At one point, Xenophon and his people try to peacefully negotiate a safe passage agreement with a nearby fort, only for the soldiers to start frantically running themselves off a cliff to escape. Then one of Xenophon's commanders falls off the cliff while trying to stop them.
  Xenophon: I hate this empire!

Haakon IV

• The continuous carousel of kings of Norway due to the manner of succession. Basically, every son, legitimate or not, had an equal claim to the throne, so for over 100 years, random guys would show up to court declaring that they were the long lost son, brother, nephew, cousin, etc of the previous king, and the whole country would fall into civil war.
• When describing the Norwegian crown's "trial by fire" method of confirming the identity of a royal claimant, Jack wonders if this was a result of actual Divine Intervention, and imagines such a scenario with God and His angels.
  God: Okay, give me the agenda for the next few centuries. We got the Mongol conquest?
  Angel #1: Yes, sir.
  God: Then the plague's coming back. Gonna kill about...?
  Angel #1: Two hundred million people, sir.
  God: Excellent. Still on track for The Holocaust?
  Angel #1: According to my calculations...
  (Angel #2 comes bursting in)
  Angel #2: Sir! We've got a huge problem! The King of Norway doesn't believe he has a half-brother!
  God: He f**king what?!
  • Later on, the king refuses to believe Haakon's royal heritage, so he challenges Haakon's mother to a trial by fire to prove her son's lineage. Cut to the angels hastily calling up God again.
  Angel: The Norwegians are doubting their royal ancestry again!
  God: How many miracles do these people need?!

Catherine de Medici

• Ten years into her marriage with Henry, Catherine hasn't had any kids and the court doctor fears that the king may divorce her. To remedy this, he offers Catherine a "fertility treatment" (ie. cow dung) and tells her to apply it to her "source of life". Poor Catherine is understandably disgusted.
  Catherine: Is this...cow dung?!
  Doctor: Your Highness, I am the foremost expert in women's health! It's called "manure".
• Catherine trying to convince the Ottoman sultan Suleiman to let her essentially banish all the French Protestants to his lands.
  Catherine: Hey, what if we took all of our Protestants, and gave them to you?
  Suleiman: Cat...
  Catherine: It'll be great! They can live on your border and defend against the Habsburgs!
  (Suleiman hangs up on her)
  Catherine: Hello? Hello? Damn 1500's cell service...

2022 Episodes

Wu of Han

• The video opens up with Chinese historian Sima Qian sitting down to interview Emperor Wu about his life, and admits that it's merely a framing device for the video.
• Wu explains how he owes his current position in life to his "Gran-Gran", who went to see a fortune teller and received some interesting news.
  Soothsayer: Your children will be highly honoured some day. Hmm...that'll be fifty copper.
  Wu: (narrating) Gran-Gran took that as a challenge.
  (Cut to Gran-Gran dragging her daughter into a covered wagon)
  Gran-Gran: You're getting a divorce!
  Wu's Mom: But I love Jin Wangsun!
  Gran-Gran: And I love back rubs and caviar! Get in the wagon!
• Wu claims that his father Emperor Jing was a wise, generous Taosit leader, then Sima Qian reminds him that this is the same man who beat his nephew to death with a chessboard.
  Emperor Jing: No YOU go fish!
  Wu: First cousin twice removed, and the game was liubo.
• Emperor Jing's next favorite consort, Lady Li, watching a trashy reality tv show in her room, with a Nickelback poster on the wall. Wu then remarks that he's not really sure what his dad saw in her.
  • While in bed with Lady Li, Jing asks her a rather personal question, and her response is blunt, but golden.
  Emperor Jing: Honey, if I were to be killed in a freak backgammon accident, would you take care of the stepkids?
  Lady Li: (chowing down on a burger) S**t no.
• Realizing that his violently repressive grandmother has become too powerful at court, Wu does his best to lay low and avoid her until the time is right. He does this by disguising his progressive reform meetings as drunken frat parties.
  Gran-Gran: What's going on in here?!
  Wu: (stumbles out in his underwear) Gran-Gran! I was just...snorting coke from this young lady's bosom.
  Gran-Gran: Good kid... (wanders out of the room)
  (Wu rips off his "underwear" to reveal a full piece suit, while the room turns into an office board room)
  Wu: Okay, give me the brief on our relations with the Xiongnu Confederacy. I want everything over the past thirty days.
  (A loud crash echoes as Gran-Gran falls down the stairs)
  Wu: And bring back the champagne.
• Wu decides to bring in a man named Yi Zong as an advisor, despite his rather... unorthodox approach to dealing with prisoners.
  Yi Zong: Prisoners! I am happy to announce that 200 of you will be going home today! (Dramatic Gun Cock) In shiny new caskets.
  Prisoner #1: I'm only in here for tax evasion!
  Yi Zong: I don't care if you're in here for fishing without a liscence! Now get in line!
  Prisoner #2: I'm just visiting!
  Yi Zong: (fires his gun into the air) No excuses!

Xuan of Han

• Warden Bing's confusion as to why there's a literal infant imprisoned at his compound.
  Warden Bing: What's he in for?
  • Prince Xuan's prisoner number being "90210" is worth a laugh as well.
• Lady Xian trying to hide her villainous schemes from her oblivious husband.
  Lady Xian: (to someone off screen) And then, good doctor, once her child is born, you will offer her this poison pill!
  Huo Guang: (watching TV) What's that, honey?
  Lady Xian: Uh..."oyster dill". It's taffy. We're making taffy.
  Huo Guang: Okay dear.
  Lady Xian: The emperor will have to remarry. And with his true love deceased, my daughter shall become empress at last, and my progeny will rule this land! Can you picture the look on his face when his beloved eunuch's daughter will curl up and die?!
  Huo Guang: Pardon?
  Lady Xian: Turnips and rye, dear. Turnips and rye.

Wang Mang

• Jack briefly jokes that Wang Mang's father, Wang Man, sounds like the title of an X-rated superhero.
• Chinese emperors having overly aggressive grandmothers seems to be a trend, as Wang Mang butts heads with Emperor Ai's grandmother, who throws a massive hissy fit over being removed from the seat of honor and tries to have Wang Mang executed for it.
• Emperor Ai's passionate deathbed confession to his lover Dong Xian is mostly sweet, but it dips into funny territory when he weakly says "No homo" as he kicks the bucket.
• Wang Mang's "The Grillfather" apron.

Henry Morgan

• Morgan detailing his plan to raid the town of Porto Bello while simultaneously stabbing a portobello mushroom.
• Morgan's exchange with a prisoner as he attacks a Spanish fort.
  Morgan: Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory in Paris?
  Prisoner: No?
  Morgan: All they found was...(lights the powder keg) De brie.
• While receiving a praising letter from the President of Panama, asking for details on Morgan's attack on the city, Morgan amusedly quips "Humiliation kink not really my thing."
  • He then responds to the president's request by sending him a dueling pistol, some extra bullets, and a note reminding him of what's to come.
  Morgan: I'll be sacking you next year. I mean your city! I'll attack the capital! Where's the white-out? (wanders off-screen) What do mean, "invented 1956?!"
• Morgan and Modyford's complete shock at being invited to dinner with King Charles II himself, who admits that the extravagant public arrest was just to shut up the Spanish.
  Charles II: Anything to stop the Spanish queen's whining. "We fought Cromwell! We kept you safe! Where's Panama City?" Nag, nag, nag...

Constantine XI

• Jack admits at the beginning of the episode that he's been trying to avoid talking about the end of the Byzantine Empire and instead talk about every single detail he could. But he comes to the conclusion that if he doesn't, he'll end up as" The Other Rome Guy " besides Dovahhatty.
• Emperor Manuel II tries to go to the leaders of Europe for support in combating the Ottomans, but is met with...less than favorable answers.
  Henry IV of England: Eyy, another round of drinks for the emperor! We got you some new clothes, and new carriages!
  Manuel: I...I cannot stress this enough. My civilization is actually dying. Please tell me you have weapons and soldiers!
  Henry: ....Uh, we got you a Keurig.
• The Running Gag of the Crusaders, the Byzantines, and the Ottomans having a Twitter war with each other.
• One of Constantine's advisors makes an interesting observation during the increasing tensions with the Ottomans.
  Advisor: My emperor, has that gigantic castle directly across the water from our capital always been there?
  Constantine: What? Yeah, it's like a hundred years old.
  Advisor: Oh God, that's a relief. What about that gigantic castle on the same side of the water as us?
  Constantine: Nope, that one's new...

Mehmed II

• Murad II decides to pass the throne to his 12-year-old son Mehmed after signing a peace deal with the Hungarians, reasoning that nothing can go wrong and the empire is perfectly stable. Cue the Hungarians breaking the peace treaty almost immediately and a panicked Mehmed calling his dad.
  Mehmed: Dad, they're torching the Balkans! You have to come help!
  Murad: (chilling on the beach) You've been a governer for seven years. You'll be fine. (picking up a seashell) Ooh, green one!
  Mehmed: No, that's not how this works, Dad! If you're in charge, then you need to come and lead your armies. If I'm in charge, then I order you to come and lead your armies!
  Murad: (disappointed) Ohhhh...
• The King of Hungary initially doesn't want to break the treaty with the Ottomans, but gets suckered into it by one of the cardinals.
  King Vladislaus: That doesn't sound very Christian...
  Cardinal: "That doesn't sound very Christian!" Who's the Jesus expert here?
• When the Venetians try to sneak a ship past his blockade, Mehmed has their leader captured, killed, and turned into a human scarecrow. His response?
  Mehmed: Well, they're definitely going to pay the toll, I'll tell ya that much.
  • Later in his reign, he goes up against Vlad the Impaler and is horrified to see the extent of Vlad's cruelty, failing to realize that he'd done something quite similar a few years ago.
  Mehmed: Oh my God, human scarecrows! Who would do a thing like that?!
• Mehmed's annoyance that Constantine XI gets to make a poignant, determined speech instead of him upon taking Constantinople.
  Mehmed: What? No! What is this b***t? I'm Augustus, and he's Antony! Why does he get the epic, moving speech?!
• Every time Mehmed conquers the remaining pockets of Byzantine identity, the last rulers give their own dramatic speeches and suggesting other nations that could be the inheritors of Rome, much to Mehmed's increasing annoyance.
  • Thomas and Demetrios Palaiologos makes a run for it after the fall of the Peloponnese, waxing poetic on the fall of the Roman Empire, only for Mehmed to catch up to him and insist that he's the new inheritor of Rome. The brothers are thoroughly unimpressed and proceed to argue with Mehmed about it.
  Thomas: And so the last of our lands is taken... But I swear before God, the Emperor of Rome will return!
  Mehmed: (laughs triumphantly) Indeed I shall!
  Thomas: What?
  Mehmed: What?
  Thomas: I was talking about me. I'm the next oldest.
  Mehmed: Yeah, but I'm the guy with the fancy hat in Constantinople ruling over Roman lands.
  Demetrios: You took it by force!
  Mehmed: Yeah, so did your family!
  Demetrios: No, that's different! They came from inside the empire!
  Mehmed: Anatolia used to be inside the empire!
  Thomas: No, no, no, no royal ties, foreign army, totally different culture and religion.
  Mehmed: What about if your family died, and you had no heirs to give the title to, Huh?
  Thomas: Eh, I'd probably give it to the Spanish.
  Mehmed: Excuse me?!
  • After conquering Trebizond, Mehmed sarcastically suggests that the Spanish should be the inheritors of the Roman Empire. Emperor David however firmly disagrees. It should go to the Russians.
  Mehmed: Jesus Prophet, what's a guy gotta do to be a Roman these days?

Joseph Brooks

• Jack struggling to come up with a demonym for someone from Arkansas.^note The three official ones are Arkansan, Arkansawyer, and Arkanite.
• President Grant's utter confusion at the situation going on between Brooks and Baxter.
  Grant: They're doing what?
  General: Yeah, I don't - I don't really know what to tell you. They both say the other one took over the government, and now they're getting ready for war.
  Grant: And Baxter's one of ours?
  General: They're both one of ours, sir.
  Grant: I don't get it. What are they fighting over?
  General: I guess they just don't like each other?
  Grant: Okay, you know what? They can figure this out. Just send in a regiment so they don't all kill each other. By the way, the Comanche are getting all uppity again. Something about "killing all the buffalo"? Might need you to draw up some plans.
• One of Baxter's supporters calling Brooks a "cotton-picking minstrel fart-knocker" as they march through town in a peacocking parade.
  Baxter: WOOOOOOO! Louder, boys! Louder!

Robert the Bruce

• While trying to decide on a neutral third party to help elect a new king, the Scottish lords toss around names like the Pope and the King of England as potential mediators, while others point out how disastrous of an idea it would be to let an English king decide anything for Scotland.
  Scottish Lord #1: Yeah, right. That's like asking "Excuse me, Herr Hitler, could you help us choose the next Polish president? Excuse me, Monsieur Napoleon, could you help us choose the next king of Spain?
  Scottish Lord #2: That one actually happened!
  • They end up going with Edward I anyway, and just as the Scots feared, Edward tries to weasel his way into becoming the feudal overlord of Scotland in exchange for picking their new king.
  Scottish Lord #1: Shoulda gone with the Pope...

Frederick the Great

• Frederick William I (Fritz's dad) insists that his son be educated in the art of war and statecraft, and furiously denounces the idea of his son being learning any of "that artsy-fartsy cockemamy".
  Jack: Alas, as Frederick came of age, it became all too clear he had a taste for cockemamy.
• The glorious return of Frederick's negotiation skills as he tries to rope Maria Theresa into an alliance that would give him control of Silesia.
  Frederick: Hey, doll! I've got a deal for ya!
  Maria Theresa: What are you doing?
  Frederick: Ya know, a lot of people are looking at a woman taking control of Austria and thinking you're easy pickings! But you know what I see? A tall...(stutters slightly as he continues) attractive glass of water...
  Maria Theresa: We are not going to be friends...
  Frederick: Who needs my protection! So hand over Silesia and I'll keep you safe from all the kings out there who want to steal your land.
  (Cut to Maria immediately tossing Frederick out the door)
• A group of Victorian men trying to come up with ways to discredit Frederick's rather obvious homosexuality.
  Victorian Man: No, he was a war hero! Of course he had no appetite for men! I heard from his doctor he was simply impotent. Scarred "down there" after a procedure gone wrong, you know.
  (The ghost of said doctor appears suddenly and hands a medical record to the man)
  Doctor: Hi, I'm the doctor who did that procedure. And no, he was perfectly healthy. (fades away)
  (The Victorian man hastily throws the paper in the fire)
  Victorian Man: (nervous laughter) Well, he wasn't - he wasn't, you know, wasn't gay. He was a misogynist! That's it! He never had children because he just...really hated women.

Otto von Bismarck

• Bismarck's highly exaggerated retelling of an exchange between Kaiser Wilhelm I and French diplomat Benedetti. In actuality, Benedetti was simply seeking reassurance from the kaiser that his family wouldn't try to claim the Spanish throne, and Wilhelm gave a neutral response. But according to Bismarck, the event actually happened like this:
  Benedetti: Alors, you hobgoblin, listen up! We get to say what happens in Spain and if you don't like it, you can eat my pants! Back off before we flatten your silly little country into the stinky German dirt!
  Wilhelm: Pack my lunch, you slug-guzzling stocking-sniffer!

Wilhelm II

• Wilhelm getting scolded by his publicist for his completely inept handling of foreign relations. When Wilhelm sarcastically asks for one time he said something that wouldn't go over well abroad, the publicist let's him have it.
  Publicist: You visited Morocco and practically dared the French to go to war.
  Wilhelm II: But we didn't!
  Publicist: When you sent off your soldiers to fight the Boxer Uprising in China, you told them, quote "No quarter will be given. Prisoners will not be taken." That's a war crime.
  Wilhelm II: I was speaking figuratively!
  Publicist: What about the genocide in Africa?
  Wilhelm II: I told my men to stop!
  Publicist: You also ordered them to do it in the first place...
  Wilhelm II: You don't have that in writing...
• Ludendorff reacting to the end of the war and the start of the German Revolution.
  Ludendorff: By Jove we've - no, that's like a British-ism, I need something more German.
  Soldier: By Woden?
  Ludendorff: By Woden, Russia is defeated! Now we can focus on the Western front. Germany's going to win! Just as long as the Western front is - (Cut to the drawn out trench warfare) Oh, f**k me... That's it everybody! War's over!
  (phone rings)
  Ludendorff: Allo?
  Woodrow Wilson: So I hear you're ready to surrender?
  Ludendorff: Gotterdammerung, who invited the Americans?!
  Woodrow Wilson: I hope you like freedom, because this war ain't over until the Kaiser's gone.
  Ludendorff: (heavy sigh) The war's back on!

Franz Joseph I

• The video's framing is worth more than a few laughs, as it's styled like a classic Film Noir crime story, with Jack playing the role of a Hardboiled Detective trying to solve the mysterious death of Austria-Hungary.
• Franz Joseph was supposed to give Venice to Italy, but he gave it to France instead out of spite. Then France gave it to Italy anyway, and we get this gem of a line from Jack:
  Jack: Technicalities are the Devil's caviar! I'm solving a murder here, and the important thing is that it sounds sexy!

Elizabeth II

• Jack admits that part of the reason why he procrastinated on making a video on Elizabeth was because he was convinced that she'd be writing to herself on her 100th birthday in 2026.
• When discussing how Edward VIII's abdication came about, Jack points out the incredible Irony that the Church of England - which was created so Henry VIII could divorce his wife - was against the idea of remarriage.
• When recounting the courtship of Elizabeth and her husband Prince Phillip, Jack admits that it might be difficult to imagine a love story with Phillip involved, and a Scare Chord plays when a picture of the aged Phillip is shown.
• Jack calling Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin "Charlie Chaplin and Cursed Mario".

Nicholas II

• Alexander II lying bloody and mutilated in a hospital bed after an assassination attempt isn't particularly funny. What is funny, however, is a doctor bursting in and singing about Alexander's gruesome injuries to the tune of "Brave Sir Robin".
  Doctor: (singing) And his bowels unplugged and his bottom burnt off, brave, brave, brave Alexander! (whispering to the royal family) He's got about four hours to live.
• The various misadventures of Nicholas and his "hypothetical PR guy", including Nicholas' hairbrained plan to go to war with Japan.
  PR Guy: What makes you so confident you can take on Japan?
  Nicholas: My good sir, the Japanese... are Asian.
  PR Guy:...And?
  Nicholas: And we are white! (chuckles) It's foolproof!
• PR Guy comes up with the idea of having the Romanovs take a family portrait in order to build up some good will with the people. Only problem is, there's an unexpected guest.
  PR Guy: (setting up the camera) Oh yes, oh charming! Everybody smile! Perfect! Perfect - who the hell is this guy?!
  (Rasputin squeezes himself in between Nicholas and Alexandra, mumbling and drunkenly chuckling)
  Nicholas: He's the family wizard!
  PR Guy: He looks like he hasn't showered since the Time of Troubles!

Adrian Carton de Wiart

• Adrian sends a letter to British Prime Minister asking for some assistance in Poland, and the PM responds in an overly flattering, flowery manner, telling Adrian to "Tell the Poles to eat my shorts."
• Jack continues his trend of dunking on Adolf Hitler, describing him as "a man with a toothbrush stache and 70% of a Karen haircut."

Louis XIV

• Jack wonders aloud where Louis could have gotten his enormous ego from. Cut to Louis' mother, Anne of Austria, singing her son's praises literally from the moment of his birth.
  Anne: I will call you "Louis", the gift of God! And you see, you can do whatever you'd like! Because God has chosen you to be the master of His creations! It is your right as king to never hear the word... (whispering) "N-O".
• Queen Anne hastily bundling her young son into an escape carriage after the peasants come barging into the palace and not-so-subtly warn that they might return much angrier than they are currently.
  Louis: (still half-asleep) Where are we going?
  Anne: Anywhere but Paris!
  (Anne throws Louis into the carriage as it speeds off, while a man selling guillotines wanders nearby)
  Executioner: Guillotines! Get your guillotines here! (whispers to the guillotine) France just isn't ready for you, my love...
• Louis and all his nobles dancing to "We Like to Party".
  Louis: Howdy! I hope you came to party, because we're going all. Night. Long!
• When the Dutch start prepping for war against France, Louis steps into the negotiations with England and Sweden by using a very unique form of diplomatic discussion: jump-rope.
  Charles XI: You said "Double Dutch", not "double-cross the Dutch"!
  Louis: It's actually super easy, trust me.
  Charles XI: How dare you?!
  Louis: All I'm asking you is to stay neutral. (holds up a sack of coins) You can do that for me, can't you?
  Charles XI:...We're both going to Hell for this. But don't expect England to give in so easily.
  (Cut to Louis jumping rope with Charles II of England)
  Louis: I'll pay you to stay out of the war.
  Charles II: Sweet, no problem.
  Louis:...I'll pay you more if you attack the Netherlands.
  Charles II: Haha, nice.
  Louis: (increasingly suspicious) And you have to become Catholic.
  Charles II: Lol, okay.
• Louis and the other monarchs of Europe hold a magnificent party celebrating the end of the war and much excitement is had over the restoration of peace in Europe. At least until Charles II of Spain starts coughing up a lung...
  Louis: Spain, Spain, are you alright? You look...well, worse than usual.
  Charles: (roughly stands up his wig askew) I'm dying, Louis...
  Louis: Oh dear, your poor children..
  Charles: There are no children, Louis.
  Louis: But that means... (dramatic close up) Oh no...
  William III of England: Oh no!
  Louis: Oh no!
  Leopold I of the HRE: What's the matter?
  Louis: Leopold, Holy Roman Emperor, the next King of Spain... he's either going to be your son, or mine.
  (Leopold drops his glass in shock)
• The Spanish Court doctors desperately trying to keep the thoroughly inbred Charles alive for as long as possible.
  Doctor #1: I can't figure out what's wrong with him!
  Doctor #2: Just keep him breathing! (grabs a strip of duct tape) Peace in Europe depends on it!
  Courtiers: "Give Spain to the French!" "No, the Austrians!" "French!" "Austrians!"
  (A third doctor bursts in with Queen Maria Anna by his side)
  Doctor #3: There's still time for a son! Madam, you have to undress!
  Maria Anna: He's half cadaver!
  Doctor #2: It's alright, I've got his legs!

2023 Episodes

Charles I

• Charles and his friend George Villiers sneaking off to Spain in painfully obvious disguises to meet with the Spanish Infanta and secure a marriage alliance. Said disguises include their regular clothes and very poorly crafted fake beards, the latter of which keeps slipping off Charles' face.
  Villiers: I say "Tom", what a capital idea!
  Charles: Most quite, "Jack". Most quite indeed! (pompous laughter)
  • When the pair arrive, they're greeted by Princess Maria Anna's butler, who is decidedly not impressed with their shenanigans.
  Butler: Princesa, a couple of hooligans to see you.
  Charles: (whispering) It's me, the Prince of England!
  Butler: A couple of clean-shaven hooligans to see you.
• Upon returning from his disastrous attempt to woo Princess Maria Anna, Charles announces his plan to go to war with Spain, much to the chagrin of his father and the dread of Parliament, particularly treasurer Lionel Cranfield.
  Cranfield: (whining) But war with Spain is expensive! (starts sobbing)
  (The rest of Parliament starts sobbing in unison)
  James I: Then why did you ask for it?!
• The Running Gag of Charles Thanos-snapping Parliament out of existence whenever things don't go his way.

Oliver Cromwell

• Jack decides to tell the story of the English Civil War without bringing up Oliver Cromwell, saying that he thinks the man is overrated.
• The brief recap of Charles I's squabbles with Parliament.
  Charles: I need money.
  Speaker #1: Okay, get rid of the guy who burnt through our savings to get the Navy drunk.
  Charles: No!
  (A few years later)
  Charles: I need money!
  Speaker #2: Okay, first of all you still need to get rid of that guy. Second of all, we know you've been issuing war bonds. You're not allowed to arrest people for not buying them! That's not how war bonds work!
  Charles: Shut up!
  (More years later)
  Charles: I need money!
  Speaker #3: Look we're willing to work with you, but every time we hand you a deal, you do illegal shenanigans behind our backs!
  Charles: You're under arrest!
  (Even later still)
  Charles: I need money!
  Speaker #4: No! Not until you stop arresting us, and stop using loopholes to tax people without us, stop trying to abolish Parliament, stop hiring terrible advisors, stop making the church-
  Charles: GUARDS!
• Everyone in England had a bone to pick with King Charles, from the highest lords in court to Bobby from Worcester. The latter of whom had an...interesting message for the people.
  Bobby: (holding up a sign reading "THE END IS AL DENTE") The Flying Spaghetti Monster is real! Embrace his noodly appendages!

Ulrich von Liechtenstein

• Ulrich himself is portrayed as a stereotypical "nice guy" in regards to his persuit of "M'lady", who is understandably disgusted and thoroughly annoyed with his constant advances.

James II

• Young James' confusion as to why his father is trying to escape from Parliament.
  Young!James: But you're the king! I thought Parliament loved you!
  Charles: Daddy and Parliament love each other very much! We're just going through a rough patch right now, so we're going to spend some time apart.
• James coming out as Catholic to his relatives and the court at a fancy dinner.
  James: (taps his wine glass) Everyone! I think the news is bound to reach you soon, so I'd rather you hear it from myself. It may come as a shock to you, but I want you to know it's okay. I've felt this way for a long time. It's who I am, and I'm not going to hide it anymore! I'm...a Catholic!
  Charles II: (slams his fists on the table) NO!
  (The court starts angrily swarming over James)
• James arguing with Parliament about his pro-Catholic policies.
  Parliament Member: Hey, you'd better not be about to dissolve Parliament, or you're in big trouble, mister!
  James: What, me? No! I'm not dissolving you, I'm proroguing you. I'm gonna put you on pause.
  Parliament Member: Oh.
  James: Indefinitely.
  Parliament Member: (slumping down in his chair) AAAAAH! Technicalities! My only weakness!

Mohammad Mosaddegh

• The video opens with Britain and Russia playing a never-ending board game of diplomacy in the Middle East and trying to maintain their own power. Then Nicholas II moves some troops to Japan, and Iran pops up with a request.
  Iran: (in a child-like voice) I want a constitution!
  Edward VII: Nicky!
  Nicholas: What?
  Edward VII: You muppet, look what you've done! You've shown weakness! Now the Iranians think they're in charge!
  Nicholas: Well, that's no fun! This is our game! What do the Iranians want with Iran?!
• The Iranian Parliament of 1906 celebrates having successfully enacted a constitution, only for Britain and Russia to come bursting in with guns blazing and ordering the Iranians to accept Mohammad Ali Shah Qajar as their monarch or else.
  Mohammad Ali Shah All your oil is belong to Britain!
• Churchill tries to get the Americans on his side to try and oust Mosaddegh as a "communist", but Truman has no interest. And then Dwight Eisenhower shows up...
  Truman: I'm sorry, but the Iranians selling their own oil is your problem.
  Churchill: But you see, Mr. President, Mosaddegh is friends with these... (Extreme Close-Up) communists.
  Truman: (slightly annoyed) Winston, I'm busy.
  (a bell dings)
  Truman: Oh, that's my shift. Pleasure working with Mr. Prime Minister!
  (Truman rolls out of frame and Eisenhower takes his place)
  Churchill: Alright, so he might not be best friends with the commies, but...
  Eisenhower: "Commies?" (starts sniffing around his desk like a bloodhound) Commies?!
  Churchill: Yes, commies!
  Eisenhower: Commies! (hops up on the desk and starts barking like a dog) Commies! Arf, arf! Commies, commies, commies! (zooms off)
  Churchill: That's it! Go get 'em, boy!

Allied-occupied Germany

• Jack's simplification of the Atlantic Charter:
  1. This isn't about taking your land.
  2. Stop taking other people's land.
  3. No seriously, stop it.
  4. Open the country. Stop having it be closed.
  5. From now on, we're gonna work together.
  6. Because war and world hunger are bad.
  7. The ocean is fair game.
  8. We're taking your guns away.
• Roosevelt's Dartboard of Hate of Hitler in his office.
• The leaders of the Allied Nations transforming into Magical Girls must be seen to be believed.
  Roosevelt: Friendship! (Bling!)
  Churchill: Harmony! (Bling!)
  Stalin: Incredible violence.
  De Gaulle: And love! (Bling!)

How The Cold War Was Born

• While discussing the terms of the Atlantic Charter, Churchill voices his suspicions that Stalin will go behind the Allies' backs. Stalin emphatically denies this possibility, only to immediately follow up by saying that he's taking the Baltic States.
• Stalin agrees to allow the Eastern Bloc to have democracy to prove his trustworthiness, and then we get this gem of a line from Jack:
  Jack: Stalin gave eastern Europe a form of "democracy" so buried in quotation marks, it began to look like razor wire.

The Islamic Golden Age

• Jack's phonetic pronunciation of The Prophet Muhammad 's benediction of "Peace Be Upon Him" as "Puh-buh", making it the man's last name.

2024 Episodes

Ferdinand Magellan

• While the expedition's translator is having a conversation with a Phillipino native, Magellan can be seen in the background trying to convert a chicken.

Yoshitsune

• Yoshitsune's exasperated responses to the antics of Benkei, a warrior whom he'd defeated in a duel, and who now has declared himself Yoshitsune's retainer and #1 fanboy.
  Benkei: (bouncing around like a little kid) Wow, can you believe it? Yesterday, you were an orphan, and now you've got two brothers!
  Yoshitsune: You're not my brother.
  • And later, when Yoshitsune goes to meet with his long-lost brother:
  Yoshitsune: I never thought I'd see you again! My name is Yoshitsune.
  Yoritomo: Call me Yoritomo.
  Yoshitsune: Oh, that's so cool! Our dad was Yoshitomo, we've got this whole "Yo" thing going on.
  Yoritomo: Yeah, too much "Yo". Thank God for our brother Noriyori.
  Benkei: (appears from the tree above them) Three brothers!
  Yoshitsune: Still not my brother!
  Yoritomo: Who's he?
  Yoshitsune: I dunno, some guy...