Funny: How I Met Your Mother

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    Season One 
  • From "Pilot":
    Ted: Kids, when you're out on a first date, you really don't want to say Smurf penis. Girls don't usually like that.
    • Barney kissing Marshall.
    • The cab driver asking about the spankings. "So, these spankings. You in pajamas, or au naturel?"
    • Ted suggesting Robin throw a drink at him. "That IS fun."
    • Ted's daughter facepalming after Ted admits he said "I love you" on his first date with Robin.
  • From "The Pineapple Incident":
    Ted: Marshall thinks you're a vampire.
    Ted: Hey, how easy do you think it is to sneak into a zoo? I have to see some penguins like right now!
    Ted: Hey I'm something me.
    Ted: Barney, you may go to my stables and take my finest horse. His name is Windjammer!
  • Another hilarious moment is in "Okay Awesome" from the first season when Ted is saying random things like "I got kicked out of Sea World for humping a dolphin" which are in subtitles and just as the music dies down, you hear Ted yell out "I'M WETTING MY PANTS!!"
    • At Marshall and Lily's wine-tasting party:
    Marshall: You know what they're doing in there right now? They're watching Clara's ultrasound video, and I swear to god, even the baby looks bored.
    Lily: Come on, it's not that bad. We're really starting to click with these guys. Clara and Austin just invited us to their fondue fest next Saturday night!
    Marshall: Are you honestly trying to get me excited about fondue?
    Lily: It's dipping stuff in hot cheese, what's not to love?
    Marshall: [beat] Okay that does sound good.
    • Minor, but there's a very strong implication that Marshall got high on some sort of drug (most likely cocaine) when he went to the bathroom at the club.
    • Robin and Lily's conversation outside the club.
    Robin: I was such a dork. I get recognized one time and I start thinking I'm Julia Roberts. I'm no VIP, I'm not even an IP; I'm just a lonely little P sitting out here in the gutter.
    Lily: You know something, I'd take a P in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day. [beat] [both Robin and Lily giggle]
  • "I wanna know you. Like, know your soul."
  • In "Cupcake", Marshall accuses Barney of deliberately setting him up to get a massive bill from his tailor to force him to accept his job offer. Barney, in a shocked and indignant tone, replies, "I most certainly did!"
  • The cockamouse.
    • "...It can fly..."
  • In "Drumroll Please" when Barney says "The meter's running dude! Crap or get off the pot!"
  • In "Mary the Paralegal", Ted's conversation with Mary when he mistakenly thinks she's a prostitute.
    Mary: I've had clients riding me all day. And this one guy: anal, anal, anal!
  • Poor Lily walking into the apartment during Ted and Marshall's sword fight over the apartment, right when the table collapses under Marshall.
    Lily: On Monday, I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiance ran me through with a fricking broadsword!
    Marshall:: Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through. .
    Lily: I'm sorry, is this a discussion of the degree to which you stabbed me?!
    • Moments before this, Lily asking the Doctor to send in "the Knights of the poorly constructed round table."
    • When Lily comes home to her apartment for the first time in 3 months and discovers that during the interim it's been turned into a chinese restaurant... and still furnished with most of her things.
  • In "Life Among the Gorillas", Marshall and Lily's argument about Marshall's package (house, money, etc)
    Marshall: I just thought, maybe I can make some money for a few years. We could buy an apartment, send our kids to good schools. You could quit your job and focus on your painting, I know you say you don't need it, but I love you and I want to give it to you anyway. I wanna give you the package.
    Lily: Package? You've already given me the package. You've got a great package Marshall, I love your package.
    Marshall: Lily, you're the most incredible woman I know, and you deserve a big package.
    Lily: Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this Marshall Eriksen, but you've got a HUGE package.
    • Also, right after that dialogue, a woman who overheard the conversation, turns around and looks at Marshall with a very... interested look on her face. Marshall, realizing how the conversation sounded like, shrugs it off with an ironic "Yeah..."
      • Even better, so does the guy behind her.
  • "Belly Full Of Turkey", the gang ends up spending Thanksgiving at a strip club, while Robin muses at the weirdness of "Thanksgiving in November", and Ted chats up a stripper:
    Stripper: I'm Amber.
    Ted: Oh, I'm Ted.
    Stripper: Actually, I'm Tracey.
    Ted: [beat] Still Ted.
    Future!Ted: And that kids is the true story of how I met your mother.
    Future!Kids: WHAT?
    Future!Ted: Haha, I'm kidding.

    Season Two 
  • In second season, anything related to Hammond Druthers' 'tower.' Especially because almost every time it's referenced they use euphemisms, and the actual tower is always covered up, even when the businessmen arrive to see it, and his face falls, followed by a quietly surprised:
    Businessman: That's a penis!
    Businessman: I'm not building a penis.
  • "Let's Go To The Mall — today!"
  • SWARLEY!!!!! [Cue Cheers theme song]
    Radio Host: "This next one's goin' out to Swarley. All your friends know you miss Barney, but he's gone, and you gotta accept that, baby. And Swarley, you're gonna be a better woman for it."
  • Barney running into the Chinese gamblers in Atlantic City. Particularly their attempts at his catchphrases.
  • Barney refusing to support that his gay, black brother is going to marry a white guy. Not because of the gay marriage thing, or inter-racial marriage thing, but because it is a marriage. He tells everyone how it is going to destroy singles everywhere:
    Barney: "If gay guys start getting married, then suddenly the whole world's gonna be doing it... Think of how the American family will be strengthened!
    • When James tells Barney he & Tom are going to adopt, Barney immediately goes from denouncing his brother's marriage to sheer adorable glee over becoming an Uncle.
  • From "How Lily Stole Christmas", at the end where Ted is celebrating Christmas with some very religious family members. The gang comes over, Lily admits to having been a "Grinch", where one of the kids ask what a "Grinch" is. About 10 seconds later, we hear the kids cheering "Grinch, Grinch, Grinch". And a shocked Ted and Lily proceed to quickly leave. Knowing which word "Grinch" is being used instead of, it becomes hilarious.
    • Don't forget the part where the kid asks his mom what "Grinch" meant. Cue Spit Take.
    • After Lily stole the apartment's Christmas decorations:
    Ted: [Lily] stole all the Christmas presents! What a Grinch!
    Future!Ted: That time I really did say Grinch.
    • From the same episode, there's the bit where Robin has to take care of a sick Barney, whose whining gets on her nerves so much that she eventually drugs him. In light of the two of them becoming an Official Couple, it becomes even funnier in rewatch.
  • Barney dresses up like a robot and acts in a horrible one-man play, in which the robot falls in love with a toaster and starts tap-dancing. Marshall interrupts the play by slapping Barney so hard he falls over.
    • The first forty minutes of said play involve him saying the word "moist" over and over again because he knows Lily hates the word. After that he crouches at the front of the stage and starts shooting her in the face with a small squirt-gun.
    • "Toaster oven, you're the onnnnnnne!" Also, Barney, as part of the play, keeps saying "Moist" directed at Lily. That's now a running joke around this household. The more diehard fans (myself included) have even adapted Ted and Robin's running joke of saluting when someone uses a military term ie, "You're being a major buzzkill!" * Salutes* "Major Buzzkill!"
    • Or, for that matter, the first slap in "Slap Bet", coupled with the first time we see Robin Sparkles.
  • Ted trying to teach Barney how to drive.
  • Barney's phonecall to Ted while he's holding all his stuff hostage in "Moving Day":
    Barney: This isn't Barney... but I hear that guy's awesome. Alright. Listen very carefully. You will get your stuff back if you are able to complete a series of challenges. Number one. Put on the suit. Number two. Meet me at [McLarens] in an hour.
    Ted: [deadpan] How will I know who to look for, since we've never met?
    Barney: [beat] I look like Barney. [winces]
    • Even better because the tense music stops when Ted points out that gaping hole in Barney's plan.
    • While we're at it, Ted's call back to Barney.
    Ted: (in a Batman-esque gravelly voice) Enjoying the ride?
    Barney: Ted, this isn't funny dude.
    Ted: This isn't Ted... but I hear that guy's awesome.
    • From the same episode, Barney's earlier attempts to sabotage their attempt to move in together.
    Barney: This girl is blinding you with her shiny hair and her boob-shaped boobs. This is bad for you too, you know. How are you going to feel when he sees you without any makeup?
    Robin: I'm not wearing makeup right now.
    Barney: Holy crap, you're beautiful!
    • With Ted gone, Marshall and Lily decide to celebrate, realizing that now that they live alone, they don't have to confine themselves to the bedroom, or be quiet. Cut to them fully clothed, on opposite ends of the couch, quietly arguing with each other.
    • Barney's David Letterman impression.
    And the #1 name I came up with for the moving van before Ted had been a jerk and taken it back, "The '69 Chevy!"
  • Robin trying to get past The "I Love You" Stigma.
    Future Ted: (narrating) And then there's the moment you know you know it, and you can't keep it in anymore.
    Robin: Ted?...
    Ted: Yeah?
    Robin: ...Falafel.
  • The half-euphemism from Bachelor Party.
    • "Battery-powered adult recreational...fake penis."
      • And then when Robin finds out that the party is filled with elderly, uptight women far too late to get a different gift, she winds up switching the "From" cards on her gift and another one...which happens to have been from Lily's grandmother. Robin has apparently been stress-drinking and her increasingly pained faces as she finds out who the gift is marked as from now, followed by Lily's grandmother (who thought she was giving Lily an antique sewing machine) making a speech before Lily opens the gift, are priceless.
    Grandma Lois: This handy little device has been in our family for generations. I used it, your grandmother used it. Now, her mother didn't use this one, but she used one just like it. Course, back then, they were made out of wood. And before then, just had to do it by hand.
    • And then, after checking in with how the guys' half of the story is going, they cut back to her grandmother, still going.
    Grandma Lois: When I was a girl, my mother taught my sister and I to use it. We used to have contests to see who could finish faster. It was so exciting, the whole family would gather around to watch. And then, when I was a new bride, this is what kept me busy, all those long nights when your grandfather was in Korea.
  • Barney attempting to "tame the cougar" (Marshall's smoking-hot law professor, played by Jane Seymour) in "Aldrin Justice." Barney expects a desperate old lady, and instead ends up completely at the cougar's mercy! The entire time, the professor remains aloof, detached, and completely deadpan.
    Barney: That was amazing!
    Prof. Lewis: ...C-minus.
    • Later:
    Barney: I think I'm falling in love with you...
    Prof. Lewis: Oh, dear God, please tell me that wasn't your first time. (beat) Although that would explain a lot.
    Barney: We had sex yesterday!
    Prof. Lewis: ...Oh, right. That.
    • At the end of the episode, he pulls off what she deems a B-plus effort...and breaks his hip in the process, something he had taunted her about earlier in the episode.
  • At Lily and Marshall's wedding:
    Marshall: Hat. We thought of "authentic Native American headdress" before we thought of "hat".
  • Marshall's initiation test for his brother's Fiero. The mere sight of Marshall with: a mullet, acne, braces and no clothes on while screaming as hot coffee burns his skin is enough to make anyone's sides split.

    Season Three 
  • In "Wait for It", Marshall, Lily and Barney's reactions are hilarious once they discover that Ted got a Tramp Stamp of a butterfly.
    • First Marshall and Lily got to remain calm in front of Ted, and their first action is to call Barney immediately.
    • Once Barney arrived, they managed to make Ted show his tattoo to Barney without noticing it yet, and Barney trying to contain his laughter is hilarious, then followed by all the puns at it's expense until they finally decide to let him know about it.
  • Don't forget the time Barney started saying his Catch Phrase at the end of an episode (specifically, the season finale) by saying "Legen . . ." and finished it the next season with ". . . dary."
    • I found that more of an Awesome moment.
    • Robin reassures Ted that the guy she came back from Argentina with isn't perfect.
    Ted: Name one way I'm better than that guy.
    Robin: You're bigger.
    Ted: Don't patronize me, if anything he may even be a little taller.
    Robin: No, Ted. You're bigger.
    [beat] [Gilligan Cut to Ted in the bar with Marshall and Barney]
    Ted: I win!
  • The ending of "Third Wheel" involves Barney trying to figure out if Ted slept with two women at the same time or not. Barney going back and forth (mostly with himself) with Ted barely saying a word gives the impression that Barney's head is about to explode.
  • Ted's guesses of what his friends finds wrong with his Girl of the Week. First guess is that she claimed her English teacher had sex with her and he was put in jail with uncomfortable looks from everyone, even Barney. Second guess is that she volunteers at the pound and gets an adreneline rush from putting puppies to sleep and makes bracelets out of their collars, which makes Robin uncomfortable. Third guess is that she used to have a penis and causes Barney to have a Spit Take.
  • There are two in "Slapsgiving":
    • "See, what I'm doing here, is that these are turkeys, but they are also hands. Because we're gonna eat turkey, and then I'm gonna slap you in your face."
      • The Cheshire Cat Grin that Marshall shows while saying it, specially the "and then I'm gonna slap you in your face" part, makes it even funnier.
    • Barney tries to pretend that the countdown isn't getting to him, before eventually snapping, practically bursting into tears, and fleeing the apartment, claiming that Marshall can slap his face, "BUT YOU CAN'T SLAP MY MIND!"
    • Not to mention the look of pure joy on Marshall's face when Lily says "You can slap him."
    • Marshall's song, and Barney joining in on harmony.
  • In "Little Boys", the tiny Barneys are hilarious, but even they pale before the teeny tiny dancing Ted at the end of the episode.
  • In "How I Met Everyone Else", they're telling the story of how Barney and Marshall's first encounter went. Barney challenged Marshall to go up to a random chick, who is actually Lily, but Barney hasn't met her yet, and get her number. Marshall went up...and started making out with her.
    Barney: (spit takes) That man is a GOD!
  • In "The Platinum Rule," the flashbacks stack when the group are trying to persuade Ted that dating his doctor is a bad idea. We wind up with three layers of flashbacks.
  • Barney singing at a karaoke bar while holding a baby's sock.
  • From "Sandcastles in the Sand", Robin's argument with Marshall and Lily being very reminiscent of a teenage girl arguing with her parents. Especially the bit at the end with Ted:
    Ted: ... So, today at work—
    Marshall: NOT NOW TED!
    Lily: Young lady have you been drinking?
    Robin: Yeah. We all have. You bought the last round.
    • Also Barney suddenly slipping into videogame mode.
    Ted: The coup de grace!
    Barney: FINISH HIM!
    Robin: I'd love to!
    Barney: [imitates the game over sound from Pac-Man]
  • From "Miracles," after Barney gets hit by a bus, he's in a hospital bed with multiple broken limbs.
    Barney: I got one bone downstairs that ain't broken. Marshall, you know what I'm talking about. Up top! [wiggles the fingers on a casted arm]
    Marshall: Are you sure?
    Barney: Yeah, dude, why do you think I had them set it this way?
    Marshall: Okay...[hi-fives Barney's broken arm]
    Barney: [cries out in pain] ...Worth It!
  • During the montage of interventions the group has given each other, one is for Marshall wearing a Dr. Seuss-esque tall, striped hat. Robin's contribution is delivered in Seuss style iambic tetrameter.
    "Dear Marshall, I do not like that stupid hat, I want to beat it with a bat. Or maybe stab it with a fork; it makes you look like such a dork."
  • From the blooper reel, the scene where Marshall and Lily fight is revealed to actually be Jason Segal ranting about George Washington Carver's peanut experiments.

    Season Four 
  • Barney's attempt at calling up Robin and asking her out in "Do I Know You?", culminating with him panicking and trying to pass the whole thing off to Lily as a practical joke, and then running out of the room.
    Lily: You left a voice, but it wasn't male.
    • The icing on the cake in this scene is when Robin calls him back a few minutes later and manages to do a perfect imitation of the sound he made.
    • Barney catches feelings.
    Barney: "I close my eyes, I think about Robin! I hear a song, it reminds me of Robin!"
    Random hook-up walking out of the bedroom: "Good morning!"
    Barney: "I'm banging that chick, I'm thinking about Robin!"
    • When Lily sets them up on a date, Barney panics.
    Barney: Wait, wait, I can't do this. She'll never take me seriously. She thinks I'm some womanizing idiot.
    Lily: Hey, we both know you're more than that. Just show Robin the Barney I met the other day.
    Barney: You mean the insecure, touchy-feely shemale who sounded alarmingly close to Ted?
    Lily: Hey, Ted hit that for over a year.
    Barney: [beat] Wish me luck. [goes in]
  • "Did you know that some mushrooms are carnivorous? ... Probably?"
    • "...not?"
  • From "I Heart New Jersey," the montage of how Ted really does hate New Jersey.
    Ted: Okay, so maybe New Jersey isn't my favorite state, but once Stella and I get married and Stella and Lucy move in with me, I'll never set foot in New Jersey again! Unless I'm going to see a Giants game. Or flying out of Newark. Or God forbid, disposing of a body.
    Lily: Ted, if you murder me and bury me in New Jersey, I'll haunt you forever.
    Ted: What if I murder you and bury you somewhere else?
    Lily: Eh. I'll leave you alone. I'm sure you had your reasons.
  • "You know kids, I've walked into some weird things in the apartment..." (Lily painting a really strange still-life, Barney doing Harry Houdini's water tank escape trick, the gang getting into a Mexican Standoff with a robber, a goat)
  • Marshall selecting a specific karaoke song in the Hoser Hut to mess with Robin.
  • SVEN's fire-breathing T-Rex building.
    Sven "Press it. Press it for GLORY!"
  • The running gag of Robin being extremely hungry in "The Best Burger In New York" and constantly being denied the opportunity to eat. Not only is she always served her food last, but whenever she does get her burger, Marshall inevitably declares that they need to search for the burger elsewhere and the gang whisks her off just before she can take a bite. When the whole quest (temporarily) ends up nowhere, she ends up deliriously asking if they can order food from an ATM and Ted has to stop her from eating something off the sidewalk.
    • Also, Regis Philbin playing an exaggerated psychotic version of himself, who terrifies the boys into finding the burger for him on pain of bodily harm and blows off his new gameshow "Heads Or Tails" in order to get a bite.
    • Barney insisting that Chinese food, Indian food, and Mexican food are the same thing:
      Weird meats, funny music, side of rice. Why are we splitting hairs?
    • The reveal that, at the last place Lily and Marshall tried to find the titular burger, Marshall wasn't wearing pants.
    • Marshall's apparently off-the-cuff speech about how amazing the burger in question was is a little funny, but then, after he finishes:
    Lily: And you got our wedding vows off the internet.
  • From "The Stinsons":
  • "Do I Know You?"
    Marshall: The only people who haven't seen Star Wars are the characters in Star Wars! And that's 'cause they lived 'em, Ted! They lived the Star Wars!
  • "Do you smell that? Smells like there's a bitch in my gym!"
  • After Ted has a thought out confession to his friends about how he has finally gotten over Stella leaving him at the altar and how he is a changed man, Lily reminds him that the wedding was yesterday.
  • Three words: DRUNK BABY LILY.
    • For context: while Marshall has to lead a meeting, Lily is in the building, utterly smashed on wine, and wearing a nightie. Marshall is trying to balance keeping her out of view with leading the meeting, and at one point Lily rockets by just outside the meeting room on a swivel chair, using a fire extinguisher as propulsion. Marshall quickly excuses himself to chase after her.
    Businessman on the TV: Did anyone else notice the drunk chick?
  • The flashback of Marshall and his brothers' fight club, while the song "Murder Train" plays in the background.
  • Barney's video resume.
  • "Benefits" has Barney's escalating "Awesome..." sequence. And the bit when the sledgehammer comes in through the wall of Marshall's bathroom.
    • Then later in the episode, we find out that Barney had a bathroom in his office the whole time.
  • One word: "Woooo!"
    Lily: "We saw you Woo."
    Robin: "Saw who woo?"
    Lily: "Saw you Woo."
    Robin: "I didn't Woo."
    Lily: "You did too."
    Robin: "That's not true."
    Lily: "Your nose just grew."
  • Pretty much any moment one cares to pick from "The Naked Man", but the pose discussion stands out in particular.
    • And then, when the titular man gets proven right about his "two out of three times" success rate (Lily seduces Marshall with it, Ted scores with a girl from his building, and Barney gets thrown out on the street naked), Barney is running around NYC trying to find some clothes. He finds a rack of suits outside...and then passes them over with a look of disgust after a few moments perusal.
  • When Robin beats Marshall's high score at Fisherman's Quest (FQ) and Marshall says, "SHE'S CANADIAAAAAAAAAN! ROBIN'S CANADIAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"
  • Barney's video resume, especially when he interviews himself and then sings the background song.
  • "Three Days of Snow" has a couple - Ted and Barney's bar montage to "Kokomo"; Lily and Rajit with the beer; Marshall's Double Entendre-fest while on the phone - but the most hilarious of all has to be "BINGO!"
    • When Ted and Barney realize just how many people they've agreed to bartend for, they have a telepathic conversation. Ted is in favor of closing up. Barney's response? More of "Kokomo" playing in his head. It works.
  • When Barney and Marshall are arguing over which one of them Ted has gay dreams about.
    Marshall: Ted and I have a history! I could do things to him that would blow his m... ...Why do we keep trying to have sex with Ted?
    Barney: I don't know; it's weird.
  • Ted getting beat up by a goat. A girl goat.
  • The entirety of the episode "The Murtaugh List". Barney with pink hair and a pierced, infected ear, wearing what looks like fishnets over his clothes, having thrown out his back and blown out his knee.
  • In "The Three Days Rule", Barney explains the Biblical origins of the titular rule, and goes on and on and on and on and on about it. The other actors' unconcealed and totally in-character Corpsing is the icing on the cake.

    Season Five 
  • T-Dog, you're in the wrong room bro.
  • Barney's explanation of where the three days rule came from.
    • Turns into Fridge Heartwarming if you watch it close enough. Think about it: most of Barney's fake history lessons are pretty short. So why does he keep dragging this one out? Because Robin is sitting right next to him, cracking up. Every few seconds, he looks at her, smiles, and keeps going with his explanation. He made it longer than he otherwise would have because he was happy about the fact that he was making Robin laugh.
  • Tim Gunn's scene as Barney's tailor in "Girls vs. Suits". Mainly for Barney's extreme anthropomorphization of his "injured" suit.
    • Ted confiscates a bunch of alcohol from some underage students. He grabs two six-packs, and then:
    Ted: [Eyes the last six-pack] Hard lemonade? You know what, Boomer, you can keep that.
    • Cindy gives a brief description of her roommate.
    Ted: What's she like?
    Future Ted: I didn't know it, but I was about to hear the very first description of the woman I'd one day marry.
    • Cindy reveals that guys are always falling in love with her roommate.
    Present Ted: I promise you. I'm not going to fall in love with your roommate.
    Future Ted: [gleefully] Oops!
    Marshal: What would you do if you had to choose between your suits and a pot of gold?
    Barney: Suits.
    Ted: What would you say if you gave your suits away and in return you'd never grow old?
    Barney: Suits.
    Robin: What would you pick, one million chicks, or a single three piece suit?
    Barney: It's moot.
    Lily: What if world peace were within your reach and—
    Barney: I'm going to stop you right there. It's suits. C'mon Lily, get your head out of your ass.
    • Barney claims that not wearing suits would be easy. Robin protests, saying that he's never not in a suit. Then we're given a picture of him from summer 2009 jet skiing while wearing a suit.
  • Ted bursting into song during "Of Course" and Barney's reactions to it.
  • The gang's super long, super intense argument about which is better, rabbits or ducks.
  • From "The Perfect Week", after Barney achieves the eponymous streak, the group hangs up his tie in the bar.
    Marshall: May Barney's heroic feat be remembered and spoken of for generations to come!
    Ted: Yeah, I'm totally gonna sit my kids down one day and tell them about the time Barney nailed seven chicks in a row. [cut to Ted's kids]
    Future Ted: Am I a bad dad?
  • Barney's Poem about the Sexless Innkeeper
  • In "Bagpipes", Marshall's obsession with musical photo montages. It starts with Chinese food, then cat-sitting for Lily's mom, then:
    Cat funeral, cat funeral.
    It was an accident, and not entirely my fault.
    Meow, meow, meow, meow, Cat funeral, Cat funeral
  • Barney vs. Robin
    Barney: *Chanting* U-S-A! U-S-A! *The rest of the bar joins in* U-S-A!
    Robin: What does that even prove? They'll chant at anything. *Chants* Ca-na-da! Ca-na-da! *No one joins in* Ca-na... All right, so they won't chant at anything.
    Barney: Shrimp fried rice! Shrimp fried rice! *Rest of the bar joins in* Shrimp fried rice!
    Ted: *Just arrived* Shrimp fried rice, totally!
  • "Duel Citizenship" had a few - Lily's constant "I need to pee", 'TANTRUM!', and Robin's Canadian relapse.
    • This troper has to give it to Marshall swearing he won't have ANY fun when Ted kidnaps him to drive the rest of the way, leaving Lily at the B&B, and the irony cut to: "And I will walk five hundred miles and I will walk five hundred more!"
      • "Ol' Sparky ran out in front of a Cadillac and got splattered like a watermelon at one a them Gallagher shows."
  • Marshall's fantasy of Lily contracting a fatal hiccup disorder and dying that he has to imagine in order to be able to fantasise about other women in "Double Date". Especially fantasy-Lily telling Marshall that she wants him to find 'that busty delivery girl from that one time and plow her like a cornfield'.
    • The preacher at the funeral using the same phrase was even funnier.
  • The Scuba Diver. Just the Scuba Diver.
    • Then, when Ted finds out Barney slept with the girl Lily was trying to hook Ted up with, and Barney comments he could still do it, Ted comments:
    Ted: Let's see, do I want to hook up with a girl Barney's banged? Help me with the harmonies? Hell no... [the others, including the new girl Barney's trying to score with using the Scuba Diver, join in with their own "Hell no"'s]
  • "Bang, bang, a-bang-ity bang, I said-a bang-bang-bang, bangity bang..."
    Ted: Hey Marshall, what are you doing?
    Marshall: Oh, just singing a song about this chick Barney banged.
    Ted: Well put me down for a verse!
    • At the end of the episode, Lily and Robin join in with them while Marshall pulls out a tiny banjo.
      • And Barney just sits on the couch, smiling.
  • From "Hooked":
    Present Ted: Barney, I'm not gonna just give up on her.
    Future Ted: I should have given up on her.
    Present Ted: This girl is special.
    Future Ted: She was the Devil!
    Present Ted: Things are gonna work out with Tiffany!
    Future Ted: No they're not, dumbass!
    • Followed almost immediately by Barney saying Ted needs to cut her out of his life forever...then finding out that Tiffany is a pharmaceutical sales rep, and immediately saying Ted needs to hold onto her forever.
    Barney: Ted. Is Tiffany a...pharmaceutical sales rep?
    Ted: Yeah, how'd you know?
    Barney: AND YOU NEVER THOUGHT TO MENTION THAT? [slams his hands down on the table, knocking a bowl of bar peanuts into the air]
    • Barney explains how throughout history hot women have typically flocked to one specific job. It's okay until he gets back to the modern day, when:
    Barney: And then man said, "life is hard. I should start taking lots of prescription drugs." And so hot girls rolled into doctor's offices looking sexy enough to render the very erection pills they peddled ironically redundant.
    • Barney then urges Ted to go on the prowl amongst the "pharma girls" with him.
    Barney: Join the Barnacle in a Pharma Girl Free-For-All! Side Effects May Include: Loss of clothing, rugburns, shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning what in the world is up!
    Marshall: I'm not gonna live forever!
  • "Say Cheese"
    • Lily really loves her birthdays.
    Lily: (at 00:00) It's my Birthday!! (a sleepy Marshall gives her a tiara and goes back to sleep)
    Lily: (at 09:00 am) It's STILL my Birthday!!
    • Barney has the same pose in every photograph.
    Barney:: "The camera loves me Robin. More than loves me. The camera lusts after me. The camera wants to put on some nice lingerie, pop in an Al Green CD, dim the lights and do all the work while I just lie there with my eyes closed."
    • "Name that Bitch"
    • From the same episode, there's the discussion about Ted's habit of bringing "random skanks" to their gatherings.
    Lily: You should listen to Robin.
    Ted: Right. Because Robin's your best friend.
    Lily: Yes.
    Ted: And what was Robin before she became your best friend? That's right, one of my random skanks!
    Robin: (who is sitting right beside Lily) Hey!
    Lily: Yes, this skank managed to work out-
    Robin: Hey!
    Lily: -but she's the skanky exception, not the skanky rule.
    Robin: Hey, I'm crying here.
  • The final scene of "Zoo or False". Both the reenactment of King Kong (1933), and the implication that Ted's embellishing the end of the story for his kids much as Barney just told him he would.
  • The montage of Barney trying to pick up girls with pick-up lines that make him sound like a little boy.
    Barney: Do you wanna wrestle with our special bathing suit places?
  • This exchange from "The Wedding Bride":
    Ted: Royce!
    Movie!Tony: Stella!
    Royce: Ted?
    Movie!Stella: Tony!
    Movie!Ted: Tony?!?
    Barney: Ted?
    Ted: Barney? (Barney slurps his drink)
    • And then:
    Barney: Kiss him!
    Future Ted: Kids... he didn't say "kiss".
    Barney: Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!
    Future Ted: Still not saying "kiss".
    • Upon being thrown out by the usher:
    Barney: Who the kiss are you?
    • Also, in the same episode, when Robin claims that it is possible to tell how overly-nice Marshall is by watching him walk down the street. We see him do so, saying hello to everyone, even in different languages, helping fix bikes and even fake-begrudgingly breakdancing ("Oh you guys I could not today it would just be—") with some teenagers, in which the body double is hilariously obvious.
  • The inspection of the house Ted bought.
    Inspector: I finished downstairs and the outside. Now I could keep looking and see what else I could find, besides the black mold, the damaged retaining wall, the frayed electrical wires, the lead paint, the water damage, the fire damage, the sun damage, the broken furnace, the rotted floorboards, hey! Look at that, no termites! The cracked chimney, the bats, the rats, the spiders, the raccoons, the hobo, the detached gutter, the outdated fuse box, and the paint job in the kitchen, which is fine, but the trim really clashes with the countertops. Or I could just recommend that you do not buy this godforsaken Guantanamo Bay of a house and suggest that we all get our asses out of here before a medium-sized wind blows the whole sumbitch down.
    Ted: Well, uh...What if I already bought the sumbitch?
    Inspector: [beat] [fights a grin] Well, I'll check out the upstairs. [laughs uproariously as he leaves]
    Marshall: Did he say he found a hobo?
    Barney: I see a lawsuit!
    Inspector: [still on the floor] Found termites!

    Season Six 
  • ALL of "Glitter". The porn trope-infested "Space Teens", Jessica as the NY Rangers' organist, and especially "The Beaver Song". Spit-out-your-drink funny.
    Barney: Space Teens?! IS THIS A PORNO?! (prepares to slap Marshall)
    • Not to mention that Marshall is recoiling in anticipation; even he was convinced.
    • Later, Barney and Ted sit down with Robin to watch more of it.
    Robin: But if either of you makes even one peep about this show being dirty, I'm turning it off. I'm serious.
    Robin Sparkles: Hey, Jessica, how's your beaver?
    [Spit Take from Ted and Barney]
  • From season 6 "Baby Talk":
    Robin: In other news, later today a Manhattan architect gets punched in the throat.
    [Cut to Ted holding his throat]
    • Later in the episode, Robin visits Barney at his apartment and finds out that somehow, Barney did get a girl to sleep with him by talking like a little boy. It's just she's completely insane, and he's now scared and she won't leave his apartment.
    Robin: I got this. [grabs a sword off the side table and walks into the bedroom]
  • From Legendaddy
    Barney: Look, it's been 30 years, and now, you just show out of nowhere. This is... this is gonna take me a minute.
    Barney's dad: Ah, I understand. By the way, hellava tie. Is that Italian silk?
    Barney: I love you, daddy! I'm so glad we're best friends now!
    • From the same episode, the gang has stopped making fun of Marshall after his dad dies. When he realizes this, he does a bunch of crazy stuff to see what he can get away with, culminating in this line:
    Marshall: (holding a possum) Hey everyone. This is Rex. I found him in the dumpster. He lives with us now, Lily.
  • From “The Exploding Meatball Sub”
    • Ted telling how "challenging" his relationship with Zoey was, Lily has this to say:
    Lily: Your relationship sounds exhausting.
    Ted: Maybe yours is a little lazy.
    Lily: Marshall and I have been together for 15 years and the only debate we had about "Tommy Boy" is whether it's awesome or super-awesome. That's love, bitch. (Lily and Marshall hi-five each other without looking)
    • Questionable whether it's funny or not considering how Ted's relationship with Zoey ended, but Lily supporting Ted in a moment of self-doubt.
    Ted: Oh my god. Is this what support feels like?
    • Barney finally able to use his revenge on the year 2021.
    • When Ted attempted to speak Spanish, made funnier by the fact that the person he had to translate for spoke perfect English.
    • Robin tells Barney a long, apparently harrowing story about how she witnessed her father murder a man and helped him bury the body... which she almost immediately tells him she completely made up to get him drunk so he'd tell her what was wrong.
  • When the gang (along with Barney's dad) decided on which club to go to.
  • The return of the cockamouse in "The Perfect Cocktail", it had babies!
  • The whole gang drunk.
  • Ted's dream which motivated him to vote that the Arcadian be destroyed. Especially the end.
    Ted's mom: Mommy has magic lady bits Teddy.
    • From the same episode, Ted and Barney wanting the buy a bar again, this time, Marshall and Robin agrees.
  • The gang's reactions to different kinds of alcohol, especially absinthe.
  • Marshall freaks out after he thought he was gonna be a dad and starts waving for no reason.
  • Barney's Leaning on the Fourth Wall moment in "False Positive" where he asks a girl to give the gift of booty. Then, when it fails, he immediately turns around and tries it on another girl.
  • "I am the provider of this house. And I have provided! 'Provode'? Provided!"
  • Sexytimes go very wrong.
    "Who's your daddy?"
  • The entirety of Barney's reaction to his brother's birth father in Cleaning House: from him believing he's a "really light-skinned African-American" (and Marshall asking his friends to just let him think he's black for a day), to him trying to sing Stand by Me alongside James and Sam (and Lily pulling him away by his tie repeatedly), to "Dad, look how fast I can run! Dad, you're not looking!" And let's not forget that bit at the end of the episode with the auto-tune unit.
  • The baffling Noodle Incident from "The Mermaid Theory", which features Ted randomly bursting into the bar wearing a gauzy green dress and informing Barney "Okay, now we're even!". Given that it was a flashforward in which Lily was heavily pregnant, it ought to be explained in the show any week now.
    • Now explained (in the episode, "Now We're Even"), and just as hilarious in context as out of it.
  • Robin's date, Scooby, whose behavior mirrors that of a dog. The scene where the gang is in the bar making jokes at Robin and Scooby's expense is a classic, as is the scene where Scooby escapes from the apartment and the gang finds him outside peeing on a fire hydrant.
    • Made even funnier by the fact that the actor playing Scooby, Robbie Ammel, played Fred in a live action movie of Scooby Doo that was on Cartoon Network.
  • In Garbage Island, Robin points out that Barney can't say "Nora" without smiling. He proceeds to prove her right, to the amusement of the others.
  • Marshall Vs. The Machines in Subway Wars.
    • Then, he collapses at one point, and wakes up to find a guy in a mascot suit standing over him, doing advertising for an electronics shop. The mascot? A calculator.
    Marshall: [screams in terror] The machines have won!

    Season Seven 
  • The Ted Mosby Is A Jerk song, but especially this:
    "I know the truth about you, Ted Mosby. You look, and act, and talk like a real human being, but I know what you really are. You're a Cylon. And your only goal is total annihilation of the entire human race. I talked to my best friend, Dr. Baltar, and he told me, so don't tell me that you love me. Don't tell me that you have feelings, you can't have feelings. You're a frakking toaster!"
  • "Classic Schmosby Wedding Meltdown (Remix)"
  • In the preview for season seven, Barney singing a part of Deee-Lite's Groove is in the Heart.
  • The Noodle Incident in "The Naked Truth" - "BARNELL!!"
    • Beercules. Especially Garrison Cootes's casual acknowledgement that yes, Marshall has a "huge snake", but needs to put on some pants.
    • The reveal that Marshall's old, constantly drunk, college buddy is a surgeon.
  • From "Ducky Tie":
    Lily: This whole thing stinks, I tells ya! It stinks!
    Robin: Lily, are you really suggesting that Barney spent six months commuting back and forth to Hoboken to learn a signature cooking style of a restaurant he doesn't even like so he could win a bet he hadn't even made yet? (beat) Yeah, the whole thing stinks.
    Lily: I am going to have to walk this earth knowing that Barney has touched my boobs.
    Robin: Yeah it stays with you. His email reminders don't help.
  • Patrice in "The Stinson Missile Crisis" when Barney is sending Nora flowers, balloons and chocolate. And when Barney sings to Nora, Robin's sudden outburst:
    Patrice: He's so dreamy!
  • From "The Best Man", we have CLASSIC SCHMOSBY!
  • In "Noretta," Barney is convinced that he's finally going to get to have sex with Nora because she's mentioned he's getting a special treat that night. He finds out she's talking about ice skating, seems bummed, and then...
    Nora: [whispers into his ear] And after that we're going to shag.
    Barney: [leaps out of his seat] WE'RE GOING ICE SKATING EVERYBODY!
    • Also in this episode, Ted claims to have given "Weird Al" Yankovic the idea for "Just Like A Surgeon", which none of the others believe. The final scene proves that Ted was telling the truth, complete with Al having a Eureka Moment.
  • Despite the overall sadness that is Symphony of Illumination, everyone's attempts to cheer Robin up in both her fantasy and real life are funny and sweet. Particularly Barney's failure at telling her jokes and then suddenly yelling "Pratfall!" and immediately falling over a seat of the booth.
  • Barney's friend "Insane" Dwayne got a girl (whom he would eventually marry) to go home with him using only one word, "Boner".
  • Disaster Averted is one of the funniest episodes they have ever done. Barney trying to get out of wearing the ducky-tie, Marshall's fear that whenever he goes anywhere he will be mauled by a bear. The random French interlude...
  • How I Met Your Barney.
  • Drunk!Ted playing poker with Stripper Lily and New Marshall's buddies. Actually, pretty much every millisecond of Drunk!Ted in "46 Minutes" is a CMOF.
    Ted: "I was totally bluffing - I don't even have enough cards!"
    New Marshall: I wonder why Dr. Kevin doesn't recognize me from all those sessions three years ago?
    Kevin: Is that the guy who stabbed all those prison guards?
  • Barney's film about trying to convince Marshall and Lily to find out the sex of their baby was written and produced by him and directed by McG.
  • Ted's mental freakout while lying in bed after he asks Robin if she wants to get back together in "No Pressure". He comes up with the ridiculous excuse that he went insane due to lyme disease he got while camping, which Robin didn't know about because he goes camping in secret. Josh Radnor's facial expressions during the inner monologue are absolutely side-splitting, as is the moment when he decides to just tell Robin to forget he said anything, but when he gets up to find her at his door, he blurts out "I GO CAMPING IN SECRET!" just before Robin shoves her tongue down his throat.
    • She says they need to talk about it, saying that "if there's any more surprises, I'm gonna hit someone!" This is immediately followed by Patrice showing up and Ted just barely catching Robin's arm before she punches Patrice.
    • Robin hysterically screaming at Patrice, her arch-enemy from work.
    • When Lily has to leave Barney alone at her house and warns him to stay out of trouble, Future!Ted plays the scene from both Lily and Barney's points of view:
    Lily's POV: "While I'm gone, don't go snooping around in our stuff. I know you think we have a sex tape hidden somewhere, so I'll save you the trouble: we don't. Goodbye."
    Barney's POV: *in which everything in his line of sight is fogged out except for Lily's breasts* "Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-we have a sex tape hidden somewhere-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa!"
    Barney: Challenge accepted!
    • Also, Lily and Marshall's attempts to respectively persuade and dissuade Barney from watching their sex tape.
  • In "Karma", Ted keeps trying to find hobbies to get over Robin. Turning the now-empty room into a smokehouse goes without incident, the chair he builds falls out from under him while he's talking to Barney, and when he tries pottery, he lobs a lump of clay onto a spinning pottery wheel only for it to shoot off and shatter the window.
  • The Lampshade Hanging at the end of "The Broath." Especially considering who he's talking to.
    Ted: Well, that's the entire story of me and Robin, 2005 to the present. What do you think?
    Ned: I think your stories are way too long dude.
    Martin: I feel bad for your future kids.
    • Also the Gregorian chants: "Brooo, Broooooo, Bro-o-o-o-o"
  • "Trilogy Time", when past Ted and Marshall (as college students) mention supply and demand, while goofing off. Ted realizes that they just used terms from economics, thinking they'll ace their finals. What does Future Ted reveal? "We both got zeros."
    • The guy across the street having a mental breakdown, trying to figure out why the "Well-Dressed Blonde Man" (Barney) comes outside everyday at 8pm, walks exactly 7 paces and smiles... cut to the bar, where we find out that Quinn having moved in with him means Barney can't fart in his apartment anymore.
      • Then finding out that he only walked out front because he didn't think of using the balcony. Where Quinn has been letting hers go.
  • Barney & Robin teasing Marshall & Lily about the sex of their baby.
    Barney: Twins! Is the feelgood comedy of 1988.
  • Ted, in a desperate attempt to not think about Robin, goes on a date with a girl. When the girl claims her ex, Wayne, had no manners, Ted immediately links it to Wayne Manor, which in inevitably linked to Batman and Robin.
    Imagined!Robin: Holy long walk for a short drink of water, Batman!
  • High Ted and Marshall's epic, hour long quest to get nachos for Lily. Everything from the nacho line to the guitar guy. Except, they were gone less than two minutes, and in the span of those two minutes, they ended up in the "nacho" (read: women's bathroom) line four times, the guitar guy was a cardboard cutout (It's a sign, bro) that Ted knocked over (Heart attack), and Ted pulled the nachos out of the garbage. Arguably, the abridged version was even funnier.
  • Marshall and Barney have their phones turned off for one hour to stop them worrying about everything. Lily goes into labour during this hour. Oops. Her messages to Marshall's phone get more panicked until...
    If you're trying to get back at me, you have chosen a WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE WAY OF DOING SO!
    • To get Marshall to turn off his phone (since he'd been going a little nuts about the impending birth), Barney promises to wear the ducky tie again.
    Marshall: Dude, you still have that? I thought you threw it away.
    Barney: I did. It...came back.
  • From "Disaster Averted":
    • After Marshall goes to the bathroom, Barney starts to tell that Lily confessed humping Barney after Barney was humping Marshall's mom, which is really a lie so Barney can piss Marshall off enough to make him exchange his last slap for the Ducky Tie.
    Lily: Since this might be the end, I gotta confess something. Can I?
    Barney: Might as well.
    Lily: Barney and I have been doing the Wild thing. Long time, except a brief period during last year when he was shagging Marshall's mom. But likely, three ways were on the menu, so...
    (Back to reality)
    Robin: Marshall, you know she didn't say any of that, right?
    Marshall: (Ready to slap Barney) I know!! But I just wanna slap him so bad! But that tie is so stupid. But the slap would feel so good. But he hates that tie so much.
    • Then Kevin intervenes:
    Kevin: Perhaps I can help. Marshall, ask yourself this question. Why today? He hasn't say anything about that tie for weeks, and yet suddenly today, he can't wear it another second? Now there's a reason. He's got something coming up. Somewhere where you're on display. Vulnerable. Exposed. It's not work related. No, this is relationship stuff. You're trying to impress someone. In the lie you told, you said you were being chased by two goons, so it's two people. A couple, perhaps. You're meeting Nora's parents tomorrow!
    Barney: Wroooong!! Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! It's in two days and I really want them to like me!!!
    (Ted and Kevin high five)
    Ted: Therapisted!! Shrinked? Shrunk?
  • "Now We're Even" has this hilarious lampshading of Ted's tendency towards Another Story for Another Time.
    Security Guard: This isn't my whole life/ I'm in a band. And we're gonna make it.
    Ted: And, kids, they did make it. But I'll get to that later. ...You know what, I'm probably not going to get to that later. They had one song, it didn't suck, the end.
    • It's an especially well-timed lampshading, since the episode itself is following up on a previous instance of Ted promising to get to something later.
  • From "The Magician's Code, Part 2" - Ted mentions the first thing that'll go through his kids heads the first time they see their best friend holding their child. Cut to Marshall and Ted in college.
    Marshall: [finishes stapling up a poster] [looks at the staplegun] I wonder how much this would hurt. [staples himself in the bicep] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
    Future Ted: That guy's a dad.
    • Ted meets Victoria at the bar, trying to subtly find out if she's still engaged or not. She shows a wedding dress. Ted's not convinced yet.
    Ted: So, what'll you order?
    Victoria: Oh, just black coffee.
    Ted: I like it that way too.
    Victoria: Yeah, it just tastes better to me.
    Ted: I find that if the beans are good enough you really don't need - why are you in a wedding dress?
    • Barney's kick-ass magic trick that he uses to propose to Quinn. He pulls out a sword. Mind you he is doing this in the security office of an airport.
    Security Guard: How did you get that past the x-ray machine?
  • The "Puzzles" theme song because a hundred times funnier when you realize that Ted and Barney took the time to write and rehearse this exchange:
    Ted: Puzzles is a place where people go to feel like they belong.
    Barney: Gonna take advantage of dumb drunk girls.
    Ted: No we're not.
    Barney: Bro!
    Ted: That would be wrong...

    Season Eight 
  • The Pre-nup has Barney come up with an overly extensive, completely over the top and utter ridiculous list of rules for marriage. So the girls band together to form a even more outlandish set of rules for Barney, including an idea from Lily: a shock collar to keep him in line, or more specifically a cock ring.
    • It turns out all the couples are having problems, and this is just the spark that set it all off. When they all have it out in the GNB conference room, they finally come clean. Ted is uncomfortable that Victoria's nudist ex-fiancee Klaus is still staying with them (despite having invited him, as Victoria points out), Lily and Marshall are arguing over how gingerly they need to treat baby Marvin, and Robin gets off on watching herself on the news while she's having sex with Nick. Robin's boyfriend Nick is...less than upset by this.
    Nick: Well that's... [beat as he considers it] Fine? [beat] [both Nick and Robin run for the doors to go have makeup sex]
  • From Who Wants to Be a Godparent?:
    • One of the questions is how to discipline Marvin: Barney would force him to use a cheap belt, Ted would be too permissive and Robin would apply her dad's methods...
      Robin: You know where you're headed, chief? The British Columbia Military School for Boys. Of course, you're actually a boy, so at least you won't have to shave all your hair off and burn your girly clothing in an old oil drum while your father stands there and laughs at you through the flames.
      Marshall: (very disturbed) I think that Robin wins this round... because... we love her and she's in a safe space. Right, guys?
      (Barney, Ted and Lily immediately agree)
      • Very dark humor, but still...
    • How Barney would handle Marvin's "First Heartbreak":
      Barney: I know this hurts, little buddy. But you will love again someday. Because time will heal a broken heart... But not that bitch's window. (Barney gets a brick and throws it into a house) RUN!!
    • Barney says how Ted would handle "Heartbreak": Professor Infosaurus is giving the talk... to Ted.
      Professor Infosaurus: Cheer up, squirt. There are plenty of other wonderful women out there.
      (Marvin is the one giving the talk to Ted)
      Ted: (crying) But I thought that she was the one.
      Young Marvin: I'll be at Uncle Barney's.
      • Speaking of Professor Infosaurus, we have Future!Ted trying him out on his kids. Not when they are younger; at the exact moment in time he is telling the story. There's also the nice touch of Professor Infosaurus "turning" to face Future!Ted when this fails.
      • The Professor Infosaurus fun doesn't stop there! When asked how he would handle "The Talk", we get a rapping Professor Infosaurus.
  • A Funny Background Event in "Splitsville" - as the group are sitting in Lily and Marshall's apartment having Chinese takeout, Barney repeatedly tries to eat from his box, but between stopping to talk and apparent difficulties with the chopsticks, he never quite manages to get the food up to his mouth.
  • The Shout-Out to The Wire. Made funnier that her Former Teen Rebel stories were the most extreme, hers were the only ones to turn out to be true and when she goes back to her old stomping ground she gets the same panic stricken reaction, enjoying that she's still a Bad Ass.
    "Lily comin!"
  • From Lobster Crawl...
    • After Ted sees Lily's baby crawl Lily really wants to see it herself.
    "If you ever wanna see these boobs again you will get on your knees and crawl, you son of a me."
    • Shortly after that, when Lily leaves the apartment, she gives a video camera to Marshall:
    Lily: Keep recording. If he crawls and you miss it, I'm leaving you.
    (Cue Marshall turning around and he sees Marvin is several feet away from the spot he was when he last saw him)
    Marshall: Beat. Yeah, that seems about right...
    • Robin is trying to come up with ways for Barney to take her back, including dressing as Angelina Jolie. When they fail she turns to Lily, who suggests getting freaky with another girl while trying to jump Robin's bones. When Robin misses the extremely strong hints to pick her Lily is pissed.
    • In the first scene, Barney tries to perform CPR on his tie.
  • In "The Overcorrection" how everyone kept borrowing Ted's things and not returning them. Special mention goes to the red cowboy boots!
    • Also, Barney's "Two Can Play At That Game" play from The Playbook
    • The return of the Intervention Banner
    Robin: Please tell me this is about my drinking.
    (Lily hands her a drink)
    'Robin: Dammit!
  • Barney being jinxed in The Final Page Part One.
  • In Band or DJ
    Future!Ted: It wasn't confetti.
  • In "Ring Up":
    • The Imagine Spot of Ted describing the events of his date with Carly. Including bluffing about Vietnam and imagining all the club patrons as children.
    • Barney's general horrified realization in "Ring Up" that Ted slept with his younger sister. It's definitely a karmic payback for Ted, especially since Barney has heavily alluded to hooking up with Ted's mother.
    Ted: Barney, let me ask you something this morning, were you feeling a little sore this morning? Especially *whispers something in Barney's ear*
    Barney: *Gasps* FRIENDSHIP OVER!!
    • Two words: "Retraction Five!"
    • Barney makes his sister and Ted swear they'd never hook up again. They promise, but mess with Barney by winking.
  • P.S, I Love You had a few gems:
    • After it's revealed that Ted's new girlfriend started a fire just to meet him, Marshall tries to convince him she's a stalker.
    Ted: You're just jealous because Lily never burned anything for you.
    Marshall: Clearly, you've never tried her pot roast.
    (Barney, who has a snare drum set, does a Rim Shot)
    • While watching the music video "P.S, I Love You", one of the lines is "If I get married, he'll always be second to you".
    Marshall: (To Barney) That's gotta feel good.
    • And the Canadian reactions to the "birth" of Grunge music.
    Alex Trebek: That day is now known in music history as the day grunge was born.
    Ted: In 1996. In Canada, that seems right Trebek.
    Marshall: Give him a break, he's not a music guy.
    Geddy Lee: That day is now known in music history as the day grunge was born.
    Marshall: Oh that's a bummer.
    • The scene between Robin and the Robot in the P.S. I Love You music video
    Robot: Move on!
    Robin: I'M TRYING!!!!
    • And who could forget Barney picking a fight with Alan Thicke because he thought "P.S. I Love You" was about him, only for Alan to keep him down with ease, while at the same time, eating a donut (even though Barney said the fight was to a draw).
    • The true story of how Lily and Marshall met. After seeing him Lily sabotages her stereo then goes knocking on dorms to find him. She quickly turns down a geek, reluctantly turns down a hunky guy, and really struggles to turn down a Butch Lesbian before finding him.
  • Despite what happens after, Ted coming home to find out that Marshall and Barney let his Yandere ex-girlfriend into his apartment has some several funny moments.
    Ted: And then she left?
    Barney: I think she left.
    sound of breaking glass
    Ted: [beat] ...Are you sure she left?
    Marshall: I am ninety percent sure that she left. [crashing noise] Eighty percent. [sound of more glass breaking]
  • Barney! You weren't THERE!!!
  • Everything about Robin and Marshall's fight over the drink name in 'The Time Travellers'. Like the writing on the bathroom walls and the dance battle.
  • Marshall doesn't know Carl's last name.
  • Brad's "Frog Lake" video which features him dee-jaying... on a lake.
    • Marshall's imagine spots.
    Marshal: Great. Now I've awoken the Frog King.
  • Lily has some truly funny lines in "Something New".
    Lily (talking about Ted finding his future wife): She's out there, walking around New York City right now! Probably in a pair of really cute boots that she'll let me borrow whenever I want because we're the same size!
    • Even more funny when in The Stinger we see the Mother actually wearing a pair of cute boots. Plus, she looks about Lily's size.
    Lily: You can't miss the day after the wedding! That's when we sit around, all hung over, drinking and talking smack about who looked fat! That's my Christmas!
  • Also drunk Robin, wanting to stick things in her butt.
  • When helping to sort what to take to Italy Ted finds a gorilla suit and blonde wig: Lily and Marshall deny they were used for kinky shit. Turns out Lily was the one in the suit. And they sneak it out, then sneak one out behind Ted's back.
  • From "Weekend at Barney's"
    Barney: Besides, there's no way I'll ever top "Weekend at Barney's"
    Barney: *wakes up* Weekend at Barney's 2!

    Season Nine 
  • Before the season even starts, the trailer at the Comic-Con panel. Ted's future kids have had enough of this multi-year ramble and want him to get to the fucking point!
    • And lampshading how disturbing some of Ted's stories are when you think about his audience;
    Penny: All you'd done is go on about an endless parade of sluts you banged! Do you realise how disturbing that is? You're our father!
  • The first episode has Barney and Robin realize they share a cousin and that they themselves may be related. Also the implication that Barney may have gotten a Ring Bear instead of a Ring Bearer.
    Barney: [calmly] Ranjit, would you be a dear and pull over?
    Ranjit: Pulling over.
    [Robin and Barney calmly open their doors and vomit out the sides of the car]
  • The Mother cements herself as a character by seeing Lily be emotional and offering to comfort her with her "sumbitch" cookies. Then there is this exchange:
    Lily: Sorry I tried to bite you.
    Mother: Sorry I swatted you on the nose with a rolled up magazine.
    Lily: It's the only way I'll learn.
  • Drunk!Lily and her blunt accidental reveal of James getting divorced while everyone else was trying to keep it secret.
    • Made even better (if somewhat confusing) by the reveal that she wasn't drunk at all, it'd been nonalcoholic drinks she'd been having the whole time.
    • Ted trying to make Lily stop drinking, just so Linus gives her another from behind a door... and another... and another... and another. "Thank you, Linus" indeed!
  • Lily rants to The Mother about Ted's driving quirks and you can clearly see the Mother trying to hide the fact that she shared the same quirks, whilst the scene pauses immediately after each denial by the Mother, whilst Ted reminds the kids of something that happened in their childhoods because of their mother & is in direct contrast to what Lily had mentioned. The Mother's nickname for Ted to get him to drive faster?
    Future Ted: It was "Lady Tedwina Slowsby". And it worked.
  • Marshall in Wisconsin. All of Marshall in Wisconsin.
    • Especially if you're actually from Wisconsin. Seeing Vikings fans squirm is always hilarious.
  • Marshpillow 2.0. A Marshall sized pillow dressed as him with a iPad so he could see the wedding reception. Which freezes. Then Lily shares a similar incident with the pillow.
    "The same thing happened last night. I was on all fours and was just taking the panties off..."
  • Barney's rant at his family is classic.
    Barney: James, let me spell this out for you: now that I've got Robin, we are not brothers anymore. Uh-huh. If you and Robin are both ever hanging from a cliff and I have one hand free, enjoy the fall. Uh, buh-bye.
    If you... (Loretta enters the room) Oh, Mom! Good! You should hear this, too. This mother-son thing— it's over. It's been a nice few decades, but I've got a wife now, so you mean nothing to me. Oh, and me coming over for Thanksgiving and Christmas, that's done! No more of that! And you know why? Because Robin said so! This came directly from her! See ya, losers!
  • Lily's Mondegreen quotation of Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride.
    • "Yes, that's actually what your Aunt Lily thought the line was."
  • The "No Questions Asked" episode has a lot of Noodle Incident situations from the gang:
    • Ted's "No questions asked"
      Ted: Hey, listen. I need you to do something for me, no questions asked. OK? Meet me in the corner of 55th and 8th. Bring your drill.
      Marshall: I broke federal law drilling into that mail box.
      Ted: Hey! I was a man in need!
      Marshall: I know. You were a Priority Male.
    • Barney's "No questions asked Nº1":
      Barney: Marshall. I need you to rush to the Macy's and Harold Square and find me in the closet of the 3rd floor and bring me the following things: A pair of clean underwear, a pair of clean pants, a box of moist towels, hand sanitizer and a garbage bag. No questions asked.
      Marshall: You douched your pants.
      Barney: (Beat) Nevermind.
      (Return to present)
      Barney: Ha! You didn't wind up helping me. Face!
      Marshall: Yeah, I should be the one embarrassed by that story. But that wasn't the one I meant:
    • Barney's second "No questions asked":
      Marshall: Star, clover, horseshoe... Barney, did you swallow real versions of the Lucky Charms items?
      Barney: (Beat) No questions asked. But, come on! Let's hit the bar, I'm buying. I just won 50 bucks from an irish guy in a dare.
    • Robin, inexplicably dressed in a bright purple unitard, leaps into Marshall's arms, tells him to run as she somersaults away while they're being chased by somersaulting women in similar brightly colored unitards.
      Marshall: I didn't ask who those weirdos were, why they were calling you, "Night Falcon", or what was in those darts they were blowing at us.
      Robin: Your vision came back, didn't it? (sighs) Wuss.
    • Lily's "No questions asked"
      Lily: Ted. I need you to come to my classroom right now with two dozen cupcakes and a box cutter. No questions asked.
      (Ted finds Lily bound and her kids causing a riot)
      Lily: Ted, put the cupcakes at the feet of their leader and cut me loose. DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT!
    • Marshall, in turn, explained all his situations to Lily: Got in jail because he tackled Russell Brand in Central Park because he thought he was Big Foot, got almost mauled by feeding a raccoon, made a robot with the TV and tackled Russell Brand again.
  • From "Bass Player Wanted"
    • The Mother's first interaction with Marshall: pretending to be a scarily accurate psychic. Marshall, being Marshall, isn't even fully convinced not to be freaked out even after she tells him she only knows so much about him because Lily told her.
    • After Robin convinces Lily to take out her anger on Marshpillow, Lily gets a little over-enthusiastic to the point where Robin (gun-toting hockey-watching attracted-to-beat-up-people Robin) is visibly disturbed.
    • After Marshall gives The Mother some advice on dealing with her slimeball bandmate, she tries his recommended insult out on Linus, the bartender.
    The Mother: Skunk...junk? Is that even a little bit intimidating?
    Linus: Nope. And the knitting's not helping.
    The Mother: Sorry, I just met a baby and he needs a hat.
    • The Mother's slimeball bandmate Darren apparently recycles the plots of Disney movies as his own backstory.
    Linus: Plus, it is so inspiring about how he overcame his mother being eaten by a barracuda.
    The Mother: Gah, that's Finding Nemo! [Beat] That's new.
    • The Mother taking advice from Lily:
    Lily: You should steal this douche-monkey's van, and run my husband over with it!
  • In Slapsgiving 3, Marshall is about to slap Barney in slow motion while "O Fortuna" is played. And after the opening credits, it still continues until Future!Ted cuts in and realizes that he has to continue the story.
    • Marshall tells the story of the three ancient masters he learned the technique of The Slap of a Million Exploding Suns from. It's Robin, Lily, and Ted. Each one supposedly retired years ago.
    Marshall: What do you mean, you're like thirty-two.
    White Flower: I am one hundred and one years old.
    Marshall: What is in these noodles?
    • He deems Cleveland "the city equivalent of being slapped in the face."
    • When he finds the third identical run-down Chinese joint that the slap-tutors are in, he's starting to notice.
    Marshall: Man, is this a chain or something?
    • And later, Marshall is finally giving the slap to Barney in slow motion again with "Adagio for Strings" played in the background.
    Marshall: My training is complete. I'm ready.
    Barney: (resigned to his fate) I'm ready too.
    Robin: (to Barney) I love you.
    Barney: Enough to take this slap for me?
    Robin: No.
  • From "How Your Mother Met Me":
    • The Mother's friend trying to get her to come out with her.
    The Mother's Roommate: It's St. Patrick's Day! The holiday of my people!
    The Mother: ...You're not Irish.
    The Mother's Roommate: Binge drinkers!
    "Oh well, 2 out of 3."
    • "Can I tell you an embarrassing story?" "Is it the one going on right now?"
    • "I might have some stuff to figure out."
    • This exchange:
    Lewis: Can I buy you a drink?
    The Mother: Oh, no. I'm sixteen.
    Lewis: Oh... well, have a good night.
    The Mother: Wait, you believed that? I like you.
  • From "Rally":
    • Ted recalls how Barney can never take a bad photo, thinking it could work for the family wedding pictures. Unfortunately, it doesn't work after a test snapshot.
    Ted: Guys, Barney may be dead.
    • After discovering his mother lied to him about being "allergic to bacon":
      Ted: I'm just allergic to a lot of stuff. Bacon, donuts... Halloween candy... Not saying "Thank You" Oh my god! The bitch lied to me!!
      • Ted goes on a rampage and cleans and entire tray of bacon, eating all the bacon he has been missing in a lifetime, to the point he hisses at Marshall when he tries to tell him to "Take it easy".
      Ted: I have seen the face of God!
      Ted: I finally found The One. Her name is "Bacon"!!
    • Everytime the gang broke "The Vow":
      • Marshall did it in 2020, when running for New York Supreme Court Judge against Brad. He also swore it would never happen as long as he still had a head full of hair. Marshall gets so drunk of stress just minutes before his press conference:
      Marshall: As your new commissioner...
      Lily: State supreme court judge.
      Marshall: ... of Gotham City.
      Lily: State of New York.
      Marshall I VOW to make Batman to work harder.
      (Lily and the press stare confused)
      Marshall: I say shine that Bat-signal even for small stuff, like uh... shoveling snow, or like uh... a police horse dumps out in the park.
      • Robin's vow was broken in 2017, while she and Barney were on vacations in Argentina. They ended up in a room with an unknown baby.
      • Ted's vow was never broken. Instead The Mother was the one with the massive hangover in 2022.
    • Robin decides to try some of her father's tricks he used on her and Katie to wake them up.
      Robin: You know, when my sister and I had trouble getting up for school, my dad had a few cute little tricks...
      (Those "cute tricks" included soaking Barney in iced water, opening his eyes in front of a roaring bear -on video- and...)
      Robin: (about to cut Barney's tie with a pair of scissors) I'LL DO IT!! I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL DO IT!!!
      Lily: (horrified) You dad used to do this to you?
      Robin: Well, was for the Cabbage Patch Doll and an ax, the same idea. Trust me, I was never late for kindergarten again.
      (Lily pulls Robin to give her a pity hug)
      Robin: (gets Lily off her annoyed) What. Come on.
    • Lily's sugestions about her and Robin make out to wake Barney up.
      Lily: Ok, there's one thing we haven't tried yet. Making out with each other.
      Robin: You think that will wake him up?
      • Then Robin agrees to try it. Lily's reaction of joy is priceless.
        Lily: (Squeeing with a bright blush) Are you sure?? Oh my god! Okay. You know what?... I mean... Probably it won't even work and... I'm stupid, I'm stupid...
      • Even further? It actually works.
  • From "Vesuvius":
    • Ted sees Barney going into a random hotel room and bribes the concierge to tell him who is in that room. One "Susan Tup." He goes to confront him at the room, and Barney drags him into the room, which turns out to be full of suits.
    Ted: This room belongs to Susan Tup!
    Barney: Who?
    Ted: Susan Tup!
    Barney: [fighting a smile] Who?
    Ted: [slower] Sue...Tup. Suit up.
    Barney: I'm trying to!
    • Lily tries to get sentimental with Robin, and then complains to Marshall.
    Marshall: Everyone deals with getting married differently. I got what I thought was the worst haircut ever. I fixed it with the actual worst haircut ever.
    Robin: It's a wedding. Who cares what people wear?
    [Gilligan Cut to Ted and Barney trying to pick a suit for him]
    Ted: [brandishing a suit at Barney] SAY YES TO THE SUIT!
    Barney: I can't!
  • From "Daisy":
  • From "Gary Blauman"
    • When Lily tells her story about how Blauman saved her from getting a Sugar Ray Tattoo in her entire back, Lily finishes with...
      Lily:Marshall, Blauman saved you from a lifetime of looking at Sugar Ray while we do it on your birthday.
    • When Ted and The Mother are on their first date it keeps going increasingly badly until she runs and hides behind a van when she sees her ex-boyfried Louis.
      Ted: We're crouching behind a van, hiding from your ex boyfriend. Forgive me, I'm a little bit of a detective. Was it a bad breakup?
      The Mother: Pretty bad.
      Ted: Bad like there was a big fight?
      The Mother: Bad like there was a big ring.
      Ted: Bad like this happened in the past year?
      The Mother: Bad like it happened Saturday.
      • As a result, The Mother has a minor freak-out and decides she shouldn't be dating anyone. Ted walks her home, continuing the story he was telling, and upon reaching her home, calmly says goodnight and walks away.
        Future Ted: Eight years earlier, I probably would have given some embarrassing speech, confessed my love, and scared her off. But I didn't, because somehow I just knew this was all gonna work out.
        The Mother: [calls after him] Ted?
        Ted: [quietly] Oh thank god.
  • From "End of the Aisle":
    • The one time Ted summarizes a story, it's the ridiculous lengths he went to spoiler: to retrieve Robin's locket, accompanied by a montage of what he went through.
    Ted: Psh. How does anyone find anything? [cut to Ted looking in his pencil box] You hear it might be in your racecar pencil box. It's not there. [Cut to Ted talking to Stella] So you swing by your ex-fiancee's storage locker on the opposite coast. [Cut to Ted having turned her storage locker upside down] It's not there. [Cut to Victoria holding the locket] You learn Victoria has it in Germany but Jeanette intercepts it, [cut to Jeanette holding the locket] throws it into Central Park Lake. It's a nice day for a swim, so what the heck? [Ted dives over the bridge] You dive in, scoop it up, make it home in time for Jeopardy! [Cut back to Ted and Robin] Ease to the pease! Happy wedding!
  • From "Last Forever"
    • The flashback to when Robin became a part of the gang:
      Lily: I like this girl and we need some estrogen up in this bitch. All we ever talk about is scotch and sports.
      (cut to Robin at the bar)
      Robin: Five Glen McKennas 21 years neat and (points to the TV) switch it to the hockey game cause my Canucks are gonna bury the Bruins yo!
      • Also another moment from the flashback between Robin and Barney:
        Barney: Maybe stealing a bro’s wingman is okay back in… I’m sorry, what’s the name of this third world banana republic you claim to be from?
        Robin: Canada.
        Barney: (Beat) I have literally never heard of that place.
    • Ted and Barney's "High Infinity"
      Ted: Totally worth it.
      Barney: Worth it.
    • Ted and the old lady at the train station.
      • "Just be cool lady, damn!"
    • Playbook II Electric Bang-a-Loo
    • When Tracy reveals to Ted that they can't get married by implying she's pregnant by saying that when they do get married, "she'll want to be able to fit in her dress". Cue a triumphant emotional moment for her and Ted.
      Robin: What's going on?
      Barney: (in a "good for you" voice) She's getting a boob job.
    • Marshall and Lily's reactions when they discover Ted in the bar instead of moving to Chicago. The entire scene.
    • Ted's callback to the third episode of the series and Barney's reaction...
      Ted: We licked the Liberty Bell.
      Barney: We did?
    • The Mother, of all people, snarking Barney when he talks about trying to get a perfect month and how he may have gotten a girl pregnant.
    Number 31? Ooh, that's pretty. Is it French?
    • "I kept this story short and to the point."
    • After we see more of Ted debating going to talk to Tracy at the train station, we cut to the next night where Marshall (with Lily) is at McLarens commenting on how things feel different with Ted's disappearance... only to see him at their booth.
      • And after they ask why he isn't in Chicago:
        Ted: (genuinely confused) Huh? (suddenly realizing) OH! ... Yeah, I'm not doing that.
      • Then, when they find out he's staying because of a girl, they get pissed...until they find out who it is, at which point they immediately switch from angry to interested and happy.