Frasier Seasons 7 To 11 / Funny

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Season 7

701: Momma Mia

In the opening scene at Café Nervosa, Roz has set up Frasier with Jessica, a friend of hers, but as said friend is running late, Frasier is convinced he has been stood up. However, a patron at another table catches his eye, although she is with a man, so he asks Roz to establish if they're a couple. Unfortunately, Roz goes to the wrong "couple", and does indeed establish that the man and woman, Hank and Francesca, are not dating... and immediately begins flirting with Hank. Frasier plucks up the courage to introduce himself to Mia, the woman who caught his eye, and is pleased to hear the man accompanying her is not her boyfriend... until she says he's just broken up with his boyfriend and offers to introduce him to Frasier. To compound his embarrassment, Roz has told Francesca of his "interest" in her, and his attempt to explain the misunderstanding gets a very frosty reaction... and then he gets another one when Jessica finally arrives.
Frasier: Gosh, you know, you must think I'm some sort of a smooth operator.
Mia: Not really, no.
The episode takes place the weekend of Martin's birthday, and Frasier and Niles are taking him to the family's old mountain cabin. Martin is wearing hip waders around the apartment to break them in for a weekend's fishing ("I see you're wearing your buffet pants!" says Daphne when she first sees him in them), leading to a gem from Niles when he and Frasier arrive:
Niles: Hello all! [takes in the sight of Martin in his hip waders] Well, there's a faux pas averted, I almost wore my big rubber pants today.
Mia arrives not long after, and Niles immediately notices her as a dead ringer for the late Hester Crane, as does Martin when she arrives at the cabin:
Martin: You know, I wanna thank you guys, this is some gift!
Frasier: You're welcome, Dad. Listen, if you're enjoying this little trip down Memory Lane, wait 'til you see the other blast from the past we brought up here! [Niles shushes him, and they leave through the back door as Mia enters through the front door]
Mia: Martin? Hi. [Martin turns around, and his jaw drops as he imagines Hester has come back from the dead] It's Mia. [noticing Martin's shock] Oh my gosh, Frasier did tell you I was coming, didn't he?
Martin: [covering] Oh! Yeah- yeah, 'course he did! Yeah, well... nice meeting you! [they shake hands]
Mia: It's very nice to meet you. Well, it's so beautiful here.
Martin: Well, I'm glad you like it.
Mia: Are you kidding? I feel like I'm in Heaven!
Martin: (smiling) I'm startin' to feel that way myself...
Frasier and Niles return with some logs for the fireplace; Frasier is sporting a bruised thumb after Niles dropped a log on it, and he lays into his brother for the reason for his clumsiness:
Frasier: Well, nice going, Niles!
Mia: What happened?
Frasier: Niles dropped a huge log right onto my hand when he was startled by a moth!
Niles: [indignant] It was not a moth, it was a bat, I could tell from that eerie, high-pitched scream!
Frasier: That was YOU! You know, I wish you'd see someone about this bug phobia of yours!
Niles: It is not a phobia, I have a healthy fear of our natural predators! It's us versus them, and frankly, I'm starting to wonder just whose side you're on!
To the shock of the other Cranes, Frasier hasn't noticed the resemblance between his mother and his girlfriend, leading to the following hilarious exchange between Niles and Martin after Frasier berates Niles for being "so blind" regarding his bug phobia:
Martin: God, she looks just like your mother!
Niles: I know. And Frasier... doesn't see it.
Martin: You're kidding!
Niles: No. And he has the gall to tell me I'm blind. He's clearly the one dealing with repressed material, not to mention the obvious Oedipal issues.
Martin: [nodding] Argle gargle google goop.
Niles: ... what?!
Martin: Now you know how it feels, what are you talking about!?
Martin tells Niles "there's nothing wrong with a little fantasy", and at the dinner table, he starts pretending Mia really is Hester, calling her "dear", and when Mia objects to the bickering, Martin backs her up like he was married to her. This makes Niles pause and stare in shock at Martin.
Later, Frasier - referring to Niles's bug phobia - says that a psychiatrist should be self-aware. Since Frasier still hasn't figured out Mia's resemblance to his mother, this sets Niles off in a Tranquil Fury fashion.
Niles: So you're saying I lack self-awareness?
Martin: Why don't we change the subject? This is a great meal, Mia!
Niles: It certainly was. Frasier, when it comes to girlfriends, you've certainly struck the MOTHERLODE.
Martin: Niles!
Niles: [glances at Martin, pretending to look confused]
Frasier: You haven't even read her books yet, dad, it's a delightful series about an adventurous little panda!
Niles: Sounds worthy of MOTHER GOOSE!
Frasier: [looks at Niles]
Martin: Uh, so what's coming next for you, Mia?
Mia: Well, I have to swear you to secrecy.
Martin: Alright!
Mia: [giddily] It looks like that panda might just find its way into the attic!
[Martin and Frasier laugh]
Niles: Oh, yes. Mum's the word.
Martin: [spills his water in Niles's lap] Oh, sorry, Niles. Would you maybe come into the kitchen and I'll just help you get dried off in there, all right?
Niles: Oh dear, it looks like these pants may have to be REPRESSED!
[Martin pushes Niles to the kitchen]
The Tag shows another of Martin's old home movies, in which we see that Frasier and Niles' interest in psychiatry developed very early, but in Frasier's case, his professionalism took rather longer to develop, as Niles lies on the couch in the role of the patient and Frasier, in the role of the therapist, looks at the camera with a smirk and twirls his finger around his ear and points to Niles in the international gesture for "He's crazy!"

702: Father of the Bride

After Frasier accidentally offers to pay for Daphne's wedding (due to a bad case of the hiccups), he and Martin are desperate for an excuse to back out without hurting Daphne's feelings. Cue the following:
Martin: Donny's not gonna let us pay for this! We're not even family!
Frasier: Yes! You saw how he proposed, on bended knee! He's nothing if not a hopeless romantic!
[Frasier opens the door to find Donny on the phone]
Donny: Any idiot knows you gotta pay a hooker in cash!
Later in the same episode, Frasier is desperately trying to convince Niles that his new "girlfriend" Sabrina is actually a high-class call girl:
Frasier: Niles, does Sabrina laugh at everything you say, is she fascinated by everything about you, even your collections?
Niles: [Defensively] Yes. I even showed her my rarely seen collection of rare 18th century Portuguese bud vases.
Frasier: And how did she react?
Niles: Well, if you must know, she was rather aroused. She said she loved a man who collected porcelain and Oh my God, I'm dating a whore! (dazed) They have my credit card number, I've been running up a tab!
Then:
Niles: Sabrina, we should be going.
Martin: What's the hurry? We're having a nice conversation.
Sabrina: Yeah, I love your dad.
Frasier: Did I mention he used to be a police officer?
Sabrina: Maybe we should go.
As part of his attempts to plan Daphne's wedding, Frasier has hired a harpist, who's been in the background through the events. Then, as Martin talks with the minister Frasier hired...
Martin: (on Niles' Sunday school experiences) Oh, you know Reverend, I can still remember dropping him off for his first class. It seems like only yesterday....
(harp music starts playing, causing everyone to look around in confusion)

703: Radio Wars

KACL has hired a pair of Dumbass DJs, Carlos and the Chicken, for their "morning zoo" show. They waste no time in antagonising Frasier with prank calls and quips about the size of his backside. After the first time, Frasier finds Daphne had been listening in her room. Just as he's saying it's a generational thing, Martin comes in, laughing about it as well. Then Frasier goes to leave.
Frasier: For God's sakes, I'm going back to bed. (heads toward his bedroom)
Martin: Oh, oh, hey, Fras, wait a minute, uh, do you think you could get me a tape of the show?
Frasier: What on Earth for?
Martin: Well, how often do you get to hear your son on the radio?
Frasier: (volcanic Death Glare) I'm on the radio every day! (Martin throws up his arm as if to say "Geez, sorry I asked!" while Daphne tries not to laugh)
The second time they prank Frasier, he's in the tub, singing... which they catch, and ask him to stomp around his bathroom while singing. Meanwhile, Daphne, Martin and Niles are listening to the radio in the front room. As is Roz, who's in her car, head pressed against the steering wheel. This time, we are treated to the sound clip "Frasier Crane's Humongous ASSSSSSS Contest!" as Carlos and the Chicken announce a $1,000 prize for a winning photo from their listeners. This leads Niles into an epic Troll moment, as Frasier was tricked into giving away his secret bath blend, something he'd haughtily withheld from Niles earlier in the episode.
Frasier: [hangs up] Oh, dear God!
Niles: Now, now, it won't get you down for long. You've always had a thick skin. [giggles] Unless that Tahitian Vanilla softened you up a bit...
Frasier: Get Out!!!
The would-be shutterbugs trying to get the perfect snapshot of his backside render Frasier a paranoid wreck, to the point that when he hears a knock at his front door, he first checks the spyhole, then opens the door and drags a startled Niles inside.
Niles: Why didn't you hold the elevator!? Didn't you hear me shouting? [goes to hang up his coat]
Frasier: Oh, that was you? I'm sorry, Niles, I was afraid you were trying to get a picture of my butt!
Niles: [stops in his tracks, then turns around] How exciting to be present at the birth of a new phobia.
The last straw for Roz comes when Carlos and the Chicken Quote Mine broadcasts to make it sound as though Frasier and Roz are having sex live on the air.^note She becomes the subject of a new contest for "rear view" photos, with a prize of $50 and a six-pack. She tells Frasier there were seven winners before she even left the house.
Frasier comes to the station prepared to "eviscerate" Carlos and the Chicken with a series of acidic quotes from such historic wits as François de La Rochefoucauld, Dorothy Parker, Oscar Wilde, Mark Twain, and H. L. Mencken,^note even though Martin warns him this will set him up for the same unending mockery he and Niles endured as children when they dressed in bowler hats and umbrellas and pretended to be The Avengers' John Steed.^note He rebuffs Roz's suggestions of slashing the DJs' tyres, cracking their windscreens, or simply beating the tar out of them:
Roz: [grabs Frasier as he heads into the booth while Carlos and the Chicken are live on air] No, Frasier, they're never gonna stop making fun of you!
Frasier: Roz, I don't care. I've just figured out something. You know, maybe you can't stop bullies from attacking you, but the only way they win is if they change who you are, and I'll tell you something, let them do their worst, they will not knock the bowler off of this head! [marches into the booth; Roz shoves the door open as he tries to close it]
Roz: What does that mean!? [Frasier shuts the door on her]
Remarkably, Frasier does end Carlos and the Chicken's mockery of him over the air - but not in the way he expected...
Carlos: [into his microphone] Holy cow, look who just walked into the booth, Frasier Crane, the automatic sex pilot!
Chicken: What's up, love doctor? [pushes his microphone toward Frasier]
Frasier: [as Roz watches from the window of the door to the booth] I think you two know what's up. There's only so much I can take, only so much anyone can take from a, a juvenile comic and his straight man! [looks at his list of quotes] I believe it was La Rochefoucauld^note who said-
Chicken: Hey, lemme tell you something, I'll take my "straight man" [pats Carlos on the head, oblivious to Carlos' offended look] over your sex-starved producer any day, my friend!
Roz: [charges into the booth in a rage] OKAY, BUDDY!
Frasier: ROZ, ROZ, ROZ! I can handle this! [shoves her out again and shuts the door]
Carlos: Hey, wait a second! I'm not your straight man! If anything, I'm the funny one!
Chicken: All right, dude, let's not start this again. [turns back to Frasier]
Carlos: You're the one who just started it. On the air!
Frasier: [reading from his list again] It was La Rochefoucauld who first said, "If-"
Carlos: You know, you always do this!
Chicken: Hey, Carlos, the therapist said NOT to use the word "always"!
Carlos: I just wish that you could say I was as funny as you are.
Chicken: Yeah, well, I wish I could say that too, but, um, who does all the funny voices!?
Frasier: La Rochefoucauld once said-
Carlos: [his voice getting ever louder] If I'm so unfunny, how come I'm getting offered solo gigs?!
Chicken: [sarcastically] Oh, NOW I'm laughin', HA HA!
Carlos: You don't believe me? Ask our agent.
Chicken: [outraged] You talked to Zachary behind my back!?
Frasier: You know, gentlemen, if I could get a word in here-
Chicken: Hey, I'll tell you what, man, you think you can go out on your own, go ahead, be my guest!
Carlos: GREAT! Because I DON'T need you, and I DON'T need Carlos and the Chicken!
Chicken: Oh, really!? Well, best of luck, funny boy!
Carlos: Same to you, [leans toward the microphone] DWAYNE! [leaves]
Chicken: [points after him] Hey, man, that is not cool!
Frasier: Chicken! I believe it was La Rochefoucauld, the great French thinker, who-
Chicken: [rolls his eyes] Would you give it a rest, Double Wide?! I went to grad school too. And, PS, it's pronounced [with French accent] "La ROSH-foo-coh".
Frasier: [hurls down his pad] THAT'S IT! NO ONE CORRECTS MY FRENCH PRONUNCIATION, YOU SON OF A BITCH! [Chicken turns tail and runs before Frasier can get to him]

704: Everyone's a Critic

This episode kicks off a mini-arc in which station owner Mrs. Delafield's Dumb Blonde daughter, Poppy, joins KACL as an intern. The fact that Kenny is in a big hurry to leave after introducing her to Frasier is our first indication that something is wrong - and then her Motor Mouth kicks into high gear...
Kenny: [entering Frasier's booth] Hey, Doc!
Frasier: Kenny. [with a welcoming smile] And whom have we here?
Kenny: Dr. Frasier Crane, I'd like you to meet Miss Poppy Delafield, well, gotta run. [makes a swift exit]
Frasier: [shaking Poppy's hand] Poppy. What a pleasure to meet the daughter of our beloved station owner! So, what brings you to KACL?
Poppy: Well... I was in Paris last month - or was it Madrid? - no, Paris, and I said to myself, "That's enough gallivanting for you, young lady, it's time to get a job!" So I flew home and asked my mother, Minnie, if I could nose around and see if some job, you know, spoke to me at one of her radio stations, or TV stations or newspapers. But not her brewery, thank you very much! So, here I am! Sleeves rolled up, ready to learn.
Frasier: Well, good for you-
Poppy: Is this where you do your show?
Frasier: Yes, it is, this-
Poppy: Of course it is, there's your mike right in front of me. Earth to Poppy! [laughs as Gil walks down the corridor outside] There's Gil, I met him earlier. Hi, Gil! [she waves; Gil immediately turns around and walks back the way he came. Frasier waves after Gil, then gets a "What am I doing!?" look and stops waving] Nice man. I think it's marvellous what you do, to really help people. Unlike the psychiatrists I've been to, both of whom had some sort of, I don't know, narcolepsy. I sympathise, but if you can't stay awake, don't be a psychiatrist! And to do what you do, to face that microphone day after day, [unnoticed by Poppy, Frasier takes his mobile out of his blazer pocket and starts dialling the number of the phone on the console] and know that for the next three hours you're going to have to talk and talk and talk? I could not do it! I would freeze! Literally freeze! [she laughs as Frasier gives her an "Are you kidding me?!" look as he finishes dialling and slips his mobile back into his pocket; the phone on the console promptly rings]
Frasier: Excuse me. [answers phone] Hello?... Yes... Yes, Dad, all right, all right, calm down, calm down! Was there much blood?
Poppy: Oh my gosh!...
Frasier: All right, Dad, I'll be there as soon as I can, hang on a second. [to Poppy] I'm terribly sorry, there's a, a small emergency at home. I'm gonna have to pass on today, may I take a rain check?
Poppy: Oh, and we were having such a nice chat.
Frasier: Yes, well, I- [Roz enters the booth] Oh! This is Roz Doyle, my producer. [Roz and Poppy shake hands] You know, Roz, I'll gladly do those promos if you would be so kind as to take Poppy to dinner and answer her questions.
Roz: Sure, if you don't get bored listening to me drone on about radio.
Frasier: Oh, I don't think there's much chance of that! [Poppy promptly drags Roz off by the hand]
In the B plot, Eddie has made himself a marked dog among the Elliott Bay Towers residents:
Martin: [entering the apartment] Eddie! C'mon! Get in here! [Eddie scampers in as Martin checks the corridor before closing the door again]
Frasier: What the hell's happening?
Martin: Well... remember last week when Eddie killed his first rat, how proud I was? I told you that story, right?
Frasier: [rolling his eyes] Yes, Dad, you told us. If you'd had a guitar, you'd have written a ballad.
Martin: Well, we were just down in the basement and I saw another rat. I said, "Go get him, boy!" So just as he picked him up, had him in his teeth, shaking the life out of him, I hear this little bell tingling. And I thought, "Well that's funny - rats don't wear bells!"
Daphne: Oh, little Robbie Greenberg's missing hamster!
Frasier: Yes, I read that flyer! He was offering a $10 reward!
Martin: Well, the most we can claim at this point is about $6.50.
Shortly thereafter, Niles arrives with tickets for... well, he doesn't say what for at first:
Frasier: [answering the doorbell] Niles!
Niles: [grinning ear to ear] Prepare to whoop like a sweepstakes winner! Cancel our dinner, I've scored us two seats, front row for the event of the season!
Frasier: You mean...?
Niles: Yes!
Frasier: But...!
Niles: I know! [proudly holds up two tickets]
Frasier: [delighted] Niles!
Martin: [to Daphne] I love it when they do it this way, I can pretend it's a Seahawks game.
Later in the week at Café Nervosa, Poppy is still talking the ears off her not so much captive as imprisoned audience:
Poppy: [to an audience of assorted KACL staff, including Gil and Kenny, most of whom have "Please kill me now" expressions] So, that's how it ends! B minus average, ten extra pounds, and still no boyfriend!
Roz: [entering and joining Frasier at his table, which is covered in sections of The Seattle Times] I see Poppy's having herself a little party.
Frasier: That is not a party. That's a hostage situation.
Roz: Thank God today's her last day. You know, this morning, she cornered me by the coffee machine and told me her whole life story! [in the background, Gil has managed to escape the "hostage situation"] I just wanted to grab her by the throat and say, "What am I, your biographer!? Shut UP!" [Frasier chuckles as Gil stops by their table with a hollowed out look]
Gil: Dear God! I thought I'd never break free! I felt like a mongoose at the mercy of a chatty cobra! [leaves]
Niles arrives as Gil leaves, and wastes no time gloating over the doors his new arts review magazine column is opening. Frasier slams his own door in Niles' face:
Niles: [yawns] Forgive me. Olga and I were up 'til all hours at a party for the Royal Shakespeare Company. [Frasier studiously ignores Niles in favour of his newspaper] I'm rubbing some pretty impressive shoulders these days. [still no reaction from Frasier] To think it's all because I have a small column.
Frasier: That would certainly be the Freudian interpretation. [finally looks up from the paper to glare at Niles]
Niles: [unamused] If I were to review that attitude I would say it was a chilling portrait of malice and envy.
Frasier: [fed up] Oh, Niles, I'm not the least bit envious that you get to spout off in that glorified cat box liner.
Niles: You just can't stand it that my opinion means more than yours. That the arts community looks to me for my insight. My approval. My "thumbs up".
Frasier: I think we both know what your thumb's up these days!
Niles: [stands up, outraged] That's a good one, Frasier. Perhaps you should use it in your column. Oh, that's right - YOU DON'T HAVE ONE! [leaves]
Sure enough, Frasier is simply jealous of Niles, and tries to get Poppy to persuade her mother to put an arts review show in outgoing KACL "loveable curmudgeon" (read: perpetually grumpy old man) Chester Ludgate's time slot. He wastes no time telling Niles, leading to an inevitable argument. Meanwhile, Martin is trying to persuade the Elliott Bay Towers residents that Eddie is not dangerous, but the tranquillisers he has been given to keep him calm work too well, leaving him lying on the floor with his eyes glazed over ("Looks like all he needs is a lava lamp and some sitar music!" according to Frasier).
[as Frasier and Niles' argument escalates in volume and vitriol in the kitchen, Daphne looks at Eddie while Martin relaxes in his chair]
Daphne: I've never seen him like this! Eyes bulging, tongue lolling out...
Martin: [eyes closed] Oh, he always gets this way when he fights with Niles.
Unsurprisingly, Poppy misses every one of Frasier's hints and suggests herself to present the arts review show. She is as terrible as you'd expect (we later hear she kept forgetting Tennessee Williams' name and calling him "Indiana Jones" instead); worse, it means she's staying on at KACL, turning Frasier into a pariah among the rest of the staff. But misery loves company, as Niles has been fired from his magazine job:
Niles: I panned a wretched musical, not realising the lead was the person who does Olga's hair.
Frasier: She fired you just to placate her hairdresser?!
Niles: Electrolysist. [Frasier grimaces] And if you'd ever seen her in a sundress, you'd forgive her as I have.

707: A Tsar is Born

The Crane brothers plan on spending an evening watching Antiques Roadshow, only to find Martin in the apartment as well, wanting to watch a game show of his. Then it turns out his game show is Antiques Roadshow. There's a moment as Martin looks totally confused, before Niles says "I'm just going to look outside and see the world hasn't ended."
One word: "VENEER!"
Sara Briggs:^note But the real masterwork is the unique Art Deco headboard. It features a variety of veneers.
Martin, Frasier, Niles: VENEER! [all three take a sip of their drinks; Martin is drinking beer, Frasier and Niles are drinking wine]
Sara Briggs: Mahogany veneer...
Martin, Frasier, Niles: VENEER! [all three take another sip of their drinks]
Sara Briggs: ... burled walnut veneer...
Martin, Frasier, Niles: VENEER! [all three take yet another sip of their drinks]
Sara Briggs: ... and zebra wood veneer.
Martin, Frasier, Niles: [now looking a bit dizzy] VENEER! [they still all take a sip of their drinks]
Sara Briggs: And now, back to our...
Frasier: Oh, God... next week we gotta pick a different word.
As the Cranes bond over Roadshow, Daphne comes in with a box contain Donny's mother's wedding gown, which he'd like for her to wear. Daphne's uncertain, so they suggest she try it on and they'll offer an opinion. After Roadshow is over, Martin goes to have a look in his closet for objets d'art.
Niles: It's as if that panhandler I gave money to was a genie, granting all my wishes.
(Daphne storms into the room, wearing what could only be described as a dress by a blind person - it's an entirely white Vegas showgirl outfit)
Daphne: Would you marry me in this?!
(A stunned Niles stands up)
Frasier: (under his breath) How much did you give him?
After having gotten a high horse from their antique clock, Frasier and Niles get a message from the Russian consulate, who comes over to inform them of one or two salient details about how the clock wound up in their family. In the past, one of the Romanovs tried eloping to America with the help of a scullery maid, only to get caught. The Cranes are in fact descended from... the maid, who did a runner with the clock, moved to New York, where she worked as a prostitute before meeting their great-grandfather.
Meanwhile, Martin had been planning to use the money gained from selling the clock to buy a boat. By the time he returns, the clock has already been reclaimed without Frasier or Niles getting a bean, but Martin has good news: He's not getting a boat. But he has bought a Winnebago. Frasier and Niles are exactly as thrilled by this as you can imagine.^note
The episode ends with Frasier and Niles deciding When Life Gives You Lemons...:
Niles: You know, I remember reading that Henry James once had a liaison with a Russian prostitute in New York.
Frasier: I'm right behind you.
(They clink wine glasses)

708: The Late Dr. Crane

After a battle between the Crane brothers over the climate control in Frasier's car leads to a fender-bender that leaves Frasier with a nose injury, the resulting ER visit leads Niles to discover that the hospital employs Maris' plastic surgeon, Dr. Mel Karnofsky, who is still billing him for her botox injections. Niles goes to Dr. Karnofsky's office - and discovers Mel is short for Melinda. Her obsession over cleanliness (throwing away her white medical coat when she sees a smudge on the sleeve and taking another one from a whole closet of white coats in her office) and taste in fine art leave him smitten, but his hesitant attempt to ask her out goes in an unexpected direction:
Niles: Well - Mel, uh... I was wondering... uh... [rests his hand on a box of Maris' records from that year - and realises how dusty it is] Ooh.
Mel: Oh. [fetches a pack of wet wipes from her desk drawer]
Niles: Uh... [chuckles nervously] I, uh... uh... this is a little awkward...
Mel: [handing him a wet wipe] I guess I-
Niles: Ooh. [wiping off his hand] Thank you, I, uh - uh - uh, I'm not really sure how to ask - uh... [shrugs]
Mel: Mmm, I think I know what it is.
Niles: Uh-huh?
Mel: And you've got no reason to be nervous.
Niles: [brightening] Oh, really?
Mel: Yes. Just a few quick injections, and those nasty little wrinkles in your forehead? They'll disappear! [Niles is speechless] Well, that is what you were going to ask, isn't it?
Niles: [laughs] ... yes.
Mel: Well, it's a very simple procedure, although your forehead will be numb for a while, I can fit you in at, uh, 4:30. [heads to her office door]
Niles: Oh, good, that gives me time to do something I need to do.
Mel: [as she leaves] Excellent.
[Niles grimaces and repeatedly slaps his forehead in anguish]
Niles shows up at Frasier's apartment later that day, and the truth has to be bled out of him - literally:
Daphne: [suddenly leans over Niles] Dr. Crane, don't move!
Niles: Why?
Daphne: There's a mosquito!
Niles: Where?
Daphne: On your forehead!
Niles: Oh, [waves his hand over his forehead] get off, get off, get off.
Daphne: It's already gone!
Niles: Oh.
Daphne: [looks at Niles again] Oh dear, it... looks like it bit you.
Niles: [obviously faking] Oh, right - ow!
Frasier: [putting two and two together] Niles... wrinkle your forehead for me, will you.
Niles: [long pause] Why would I do that?
Frasier: Just do it. Wrinkle your forehead. [Niles stares at Frasier, evidently trying and failing to do as he asks; Frasier's look turns downright accusatory]
Niles: [standing up in anger] I'm not your marionette!
Frasier: You got a botox injection! You've got a forehead full of poison right now, don't you!
Niles: [as Daphne watches something in the air behind him] I - do - not!
Daphne: [her gaze turns to the floor] Oh! That's strange! [picks something off the floor] The mosquito fell right out of the air, dead! [drops the dead parasite in the bin]
Martin: What's a botox injection?
Frasier: Oh, it's a cosmetic procedure they use to eliminate facial wrinkles.
Martin: Oh, great, my kids are having plastic surgery, that's a nice age to get to.
The A plot kicks into gear when the evening news (on the aptly named KYLL) reveals that Frasier is presumed dead (an annoying patient caused him to leave the ER before his name was called; when it was, the patient decided to say he was Frasier - and dropped dead of a heart attack). Niles' reaction - or, facially, total lack thereof - is the icing on the cake.
Frasier: Dear God!...
Martin: What the hell!?...
Daphne: That's unbelievable!...
Niles: [stiffly, his face still frozen] Outrageous!
Frasier's apartment is flooded with gift baskets before the mistake can be corrected; Martin "accidentally" breaks the wrapping on as many of them as he can so that they can't be returned. In The Tag, with Niles' forehead still numb, Martin mischievously sticks the bow from one of the gift baskets on him. Niles looks at his watch and hurries out, unaware that his head looks like it belongs under a Christmas tree.

709: The Apparent Trap

Martin knocks on the front door after hiding from Lilith and asks Frasier in a bad whisper, "Is the witch gone yet?" and sees her over Frasier's shoulder. "Oh, Lilith! I was just asking Frasier - is my twitch gone yet?" Complete with very bad fake facial tic. To which Lilith only deadpans, "Skillfully done, Martin."
Daphne doesn't fare much better. She comes home from walking Eddie who refuses to go into the apartment.
Daphne: Well, he was perfectly fine until a block from here. Then he started whining and trembling, like he senses an earthquake or a dark force or- hello, Lilith - a vortex of evil. [pauses as she realises what she just said]
Frasier realizes this is the first time Niles and Lilith have been in the same room since their one night stand in season five's "Room Service". When they see each other they're completely civil and politely discuss Lilith's flight. This ends up being even more disturbing to Frasier who insists they go back to their usual bickering.
Lilith: All we did was insult each other.
Frasier: Yes! You're willing to throw all that away just because of one ill-considered night of passion?! It happened, take from it what you can learn, move on!
Niles: Well, I learned if you kiss her too fast you get an ice-cream headache.
Lilith: You also learned that I have twice your upper body strength, so shut your pie hole!
Frasier: Was that so hard?
Niles is going to say goodbye to Freddie and finds him playing a PS2. Freddie gets him to play and everything afterwords is pure gold.
Freddie: That's your guy, you've just escaped from an intergalactic maximum-security prison pod.
Niles: Like they could hold me.
[Niles immediately dies by falling over in the training level.]
- Freddie is in awe because he didn't know it was even possible to die there. Niles then spends the entire episode failing at the game, and when Lilith comes through to talk to him, she takes the controller and starts playing. Extremely well.
  Niles: I didn't know there was a door there.
- At the instant when Lilith enters the room, the game character screams.
The plot involves a complex long-game that Freddie may-or-may-not be pulling to manipulate his parents into getting back together (or not). Lilith believes she's cottoned on to his true scheme (He actually wants a mini-bike and hopes that his parents will buy him one to cushion his 'disappointment' when they reveal that they aren't reuniting) and to Frasier's horror calls his bluff by revealing that she and Frasier are in fact reuniting. Freddie goes to spread the news... including to Niles, who as soon as he hears it storms into the room with a truly hilarious rictus grin combining rage, terror, worry and the most unconvincing fake joy you've ever seen:
Niles: What's this joyous news I hear?!
Lilith: You know, Frederick, you're going to have to give up all of your friends, because we're going to live here in Seattle.
Freddie: I'd live anywhere to be a family again.
Niles: [in one single breath] So it is true congratulations to you both good night. [walks to the door without looking at anyone, his whole posture stiff as a board with tension]
Freddie: Don't you want your coat, Uncle Niles?
Niles: [still not looking back] No thank you! [storms out]
Frasier and Lilith finally catch Freddie out by listening in on him talking about his plot to a friend. Their take away:
Lilith: You know what this means, don't you?
Frasier: Yes... our son is normal. We're not bad parents. Well done, Dr. Sternin.
Lilith: Well done, Dr. Crane. [they high five]
After a moment, they realise they've left Freddie in Frasier's room, knowing they know about his plot, and waiting for them to come and confront him about it.
Lilith: Well, we really should get in there.
Frasier: Must be sheer torment for him, waiting for the axe to fall.
Lilith: Absolute hell.
Frasier: Absolute nightmare. (gesturing to the wine on the nearby table) Wine?
Lilith: Love some!

710: Back Talk

Although this episode is best remembered for the Wham Line in the third act, it still has room for humour. Frasier's back seizes up while he is blowing out a candle on a birthday cupcake from Martin, and Niles shows up at KACL with a "lumbar log" (a cylindrical cushion for lower back support). He and Roz wonder if there might be more to Frasier's back pain:
Frasier: [as Niles helps him out of his chair and puts the "lumbar log" behind his back] I think the whole thing is probably stress-related.
Niles: Well, that's very possible. You know, birthdays can be anxiety-provoking. [Frasier sits down again and sighs with relief] Especially for people of a certain age.
Frasier: [offended] I am not "of a certain age", Niles. I am smack dab in the middle of "not a kid anymore", I won't be "of a certain age" for another ten years.
Roz: You know, if your back pain is stress-related, I read a magazine article with an exercise that might help. You just go some place where nobody can hear you, and list all the things that bug you.
Frasier: [sarcastically] And in what esteemed medical journal did you find this little tidbit? Cosmo!?
Roz: [equally sarcastically] No - Glamour!
Frasier: Oh, that's priceless. "I can't find the right shade of lipstick." "I look terrible in a bikini." "He can't find my G-spot!" [Niles laughs]
Roz: I said do it some place private!
Niles: You know, it couldn't hurt, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, it's absurd!
Niles: Hmm. The more you resist, the more I'm wondering if there's something you're trying to avoid. [Frasier doesn't answer]
Roz: Well, thanks for backing me up, Niles! You know, the same article said if you rub a raw potato-
Niles: If we're going to sell him on this, you should drop out now.
Frasier: No one is going to sell me on anything! That sort of exercise only helps people that lack self-awareness. I, for one, am... [trails off and grimaces in pain] GOD ALMIGHTY!
Niles: [sarcastically] Well, no wonder you're stressed, you've got a whole universe to run! [laughs]
Seconds before he goes on air, Frasier sniffs a birthday bouquet given to him by the KACL staff... and only gets as far as "Good afternoon, Seattle!" before a sneezing fit causes such severe back spasms that he has to cue a recording of The Best of Crane while Niles takes him to a doctor. As Niles has a lunch date with Mel, he is eager to drop Frasier off at his apartment as quickly as possible, but finding a suitable chair proves more challenging than expected:
Frasier: [after Niles deposits him on the sofa and turns to leave] No, wait!... This couch has absolutely no support, let's... let's try the chair over there, please?
Niles: [after a brief hesitation] All right! You're not heavy, you're my brother. [lifts Frasier off the sofa and manoeuvres him across the living room]
Frasier: [groaning as he tries to keep up with Niles] How could you even take me to that unprofessional hack!? All he did was give me a bottle full of horse tranquillisers, he didn't care about getting to the root of the problem, he just wanted to shut me up!
Niles: I - think it might be time for one of those pills... [he sets Frasier down on the chair - face first, so that Frasier's forehead is on the back of the chair while his knees are on the seat; Niles checks his watch as Frasier groans in agony] All comfy?
Frasier: Niles... [gasps as he pushes himself into a kneeling position] This won't do... it's even harder than a seat on a public bus!
Niles: [scoffs] Oh, when were you ever on a bus!?
Frasier: At a cocktail party once, for the Friends of Transit.
Niles: [after a moment's offended reflection] I wasn't invited to that!
Frasier: Will you just help me up, for God's sake?!
Frasier decides to take one of the pills after all, and as Niles heads to the kitchen to fetch a glass of water, Frasier staggers back and sits down in Martin's recliner and discovers, much to his horror, just how nice it is.
[Niles enters the living room with Frasier's water and sees him in the recliner; his jaw drops]
Niles: [alarmed] Oh my God! Did you fall??
Frasier: [in a blissful daze] No... no, I'm actually quite comfortable, Niles. Look... there's no glare on the television... [indicating the table next to the chair] And here's a lovely place to set your drink.
Niles: Just give me your hand, and whatever the chair's telling you, don't listen.
Eventually, Frasier decides to act on Roz' suggestion by talking about things that are bothering him... to Eddie. ("All right, well, here's a start: I'm talking to a dog, that bothers me!") Frasier doesn't see Daphne enter behind him and overhear him say that he loves her (platonically, but he doesn't specify as much) and needs to tell her before she moves in with Donny, but Eddie does see her; when Frasier finishes his "confession" (and Daphne has fled the room in shock), he notices that Eddie has buried his face in the couch.
Frasier: [angrily] You know, there are subtler ways to let the patient know his hour is up!
Later, Frasier admits to Martin that he'd been talking to Eddie about his problems.
Frasier: If you must know, I was talking to Eddie.
Martin: (first goes "Ah", then gives the most smug, knowing grin) Helps, doesn't it?
Even the Wham Line is as funny as it is world-shattering; Frasier successfully explains himself to Daphne, and, in her capacity as a physical therapist, she begins giving him a back massage as the painkillers disconnect his brain from the rest of his body, including his mouth:
Frasier: You know what?
Daphne: What's that, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Dad's chair!
Daphne: I'm not takin' it with me if that's where you're headed!
Frasier: It's so comfortable!
Daphne: [bemused] You took quite a few of those pills, didn't you? [continues massaging Frasier's back] You know what's curious, though?
Frasier: [high-pitched] Cats??
Daphne: [chuckles] Yes... but I'm talking about our little mix-up. When I said to your father, "Dr. Crane's in love with me," he said it's been going on for six years now. What did he mean by that?
Frasier: [blissfully unaware of what he's saying] Oh, that... he meant Niles.
Daphne: [thunderstruck] WHAT??
Frasier: Niles!... he's crazy about you...
Daphne: Dr. Crane?...^note Meaning Niles. Dr. Crane!...^note Meaning Frasier. [but Frasier is dead to the world]

711: The Fight Before Christmas

Once again, while the focus in this episode is on the seismic shift in the Niles/Daphne story arc, it still finds time for humour. Daphne's tendency to address both Frasier and Niles as "Dr. Crane", having already caused the misunderstanding that ultimately led Frasier to reveal that Niles has been in love with Daphne for six years, then causes further misunderstandings when she confides in Roz:
Roz: Well, who spilled the beans? It was Frasier, wasn't it?
Daphne: Yes, but he doesn't know he told me.
Roz: He doesn't?
Daphne: No, he was on those painkillers for his back, and... well, I can't very well discuss it with Dr. Crane. He's so close to Dr. Crane! If I told him, he might tell Dr. Crane, and then Dr. Crane might feel embarrassed.
Roz: [deadpan] Yeah, why confuse things?
Roz and Daphne's conversation is interrupted when Niles steps out of the elevator, leading to a hysterical I Need to Go Iron My Dog moment from Daphne:
Niles: [exiting the elevator and taking in the sight of Roz and Daphne; Daphne suddenly stiffens and avoids eye contact] Well, there's a Christmas tableau! "Naughty and Nice". [Roz glares at him and enters the open elevator]
Daphne: [awkwardly] Hello, Dr. Crane.
Niles: Hello, Daphne.
Daphne: I'd see you in, but... I just have to... take out the garbage! [Niles looks confused by the fact that she has no garbage bag...] It's in my pockets. [... or pockets]
Niles drops off some carol books for Frasier's Christmas party, but declines an invitation to string popcorn garlands that evening as he has to visit Maris to offer his condolences after the death of their gardener, Yoshi (he had a heart attack while trimming Maris' hedge maze; "the paramedics never had a chance," says Niles). Frasier, concerned over how that might go over with Mel, advises Niles not to tell her that he is visiting Maris. Meanwhile, Martin has spent the opening scene working on his own contribution to the party: a tacky "Dancing Santa" figurine that plays music and waggles its hips in time with it. Just as Niles prepares to leave, the figurine springs into life.
Niles: [with forced joy] Dad, Santa's back!
Martin: Yeah! It's the darnedest thing, every year when I take him out of the box, something's wrong with it. But I always manage to fix him again!
Niles: Good for you, Dad. [sotto voce, to Frasier] I told you to dunk it under water!
Frasier: I did!
Unfortunately for Niles, things fall apart when Mel shows up at the KACL Christmas party, having been invited after doing a segment on breast augmentation during Cosmetic Surgery Week on Health Chat ("How uplifting!" says Frasier; Mel is unamused).
- Niles' cover story was that he was having dinner with Frasier. Unfortunately, Frasier doesn't learn of this until after Mel has asked him how said dinner went and he has told her he spent the evening preparing for his Christmas party instead, causing Mel to storm off without a further word. The funny part comes from the ensuing conversation with an outraged (sort of, anyway) Niles:
  Niles: Frasier, Frasier, glad I saw you, listen, about last night, if Mel should ask-
  Frasier: Oh... dear.
  Niles: Oh no.
  Frasier: Oh yes.
  Niles: And you...
  Frasier: I'm afraid so.
  Niles: [seething] DAMN you!
  Frasier: Well-
  Niles: You're the one that told me to lie to her, now you fail to ["hits" Frasier on the arm repeatedly, looking more like he is trying to brush a patch of dirt off his sleeve] back me up! [stomps off to intercept Mel at the coat rack]
  Frasier: I'm a little pre-occupied, I'm having a party tonight for two hundred people! [Kenny happens to walk past over this last part; as he hasn't been invited, this is the first he has heard about Frasier's party]
  Kenny: Well, I won't lie to you, Doc... this hurts.
- Niles manages to catch Mel before she leaves; her first assumption is that he is seeing someone behind her back, so she asks for "the little whore's name", but Niles lies again and says he was buying Mel's Christmas gift. Mollified, she lets Niles hang up her coat again and goes to get drinks, whereupon she runs into Frasier again - and Frasier is unaware that Niles still hasn't told the truth about seeing Maris...
  Frasier: Oh, Mel, ah, this is awkward, uh...
  Mel: Oh, no no no, Frasier, Niles explained everything, and while I don't like being lied to, I, I do appreciate why he did it.
  Frasier: Oh, I'm so glad!
  Niles: [racing over to Mel and Frasier] Oooooh 'ello! [with a very forced grin] Hello! Chatting, are we?
  Frasier: Well, actually, I wa- I was just apologising for my part in your little misunderstanding.
  Niles: Ah yes, well, then, of course, you were discussing the present. [looks at Frasier, hoping he'll take the hint]
  Frasier: [takes the wrong hint] Oh, yes, yes, the present! And the future... [raises his cup] Maris is all in the past. [chuckles]
  Mel: [turns slowly to look at a chagrined Niles, then back at Frasier, ice in her voice] Maris.
  Frasier: ... oh dear.
  Mel: You were with Maris last night.
  Niles: Well-
  Mel: HOW dare you!... [slams her cup down and marches off again]
  Niles: [glares venomously at Frasier] Anything else in the box, Pandora!? [hurries after Mel]
- This time, Niles is unable to placate Mel, who declares that Niles is "obviously still in love with her" and that she's not about to share him; Roz is fetching her coat during this conversation and so hears every word (but doesn't know that "her" refers to Maris, not Daphne). The scene ends with the climax of the plot thread that Roz is the only KACL staffer invited to Frasier's Christmas party, as a livid Niles rebuffs Frasier's attempt at an apology by saying, loudly enough for everyone in the room to hear, that he only cares about the party he is hosting that night. As the KACL staff all begin glaring daggers at Frasier for not inviting them to his party, he gets a hilarious fixed grin on his face and slowly tiptoes out of the room.
When no-one shows up for Frasier's party, Donny informs him that his rival Cam Winston (who lives in apartment number 2000) is advertising his own party in the lobby. Frasier is furious and instructs Donny to put up his own advert, but Martin is cautious:
Martin: I don't know whether that's a good idea, Fras.
Frasier: What?
Martin: Well, "Winston Party 2000" sounds like the party of the future. "Crane Party 1901" sounds like... [looks around at the empty room] ... well, this.
Meanwhile, Roz relays Niles and Mel's exchange to Daphne, who starts panicking that Niles will finally act on his six-year crush on her. However, in the process, she tries to draw on experience Roz doesn't have:
Daphne: But what if he says something to me!?
Roz: Just let him down gently.
Daphne: Oh, it never works out that easily! You know what happens when you say "no" to a guy!
Roz: [having never said "no" to a guy in her life] Yeah... sure.
As Niles downs large gulps from the glass of scotch he asked Donny to pour him, Martin tries to cheer him up with the Dancing Santa... which proceeds to knock a stack of presents off the console table.
Niles: Daphne's present!
Martin: Did it break? [Niles picks up the box, and we can clearly hear broken glass inside]
Niles: [sarcastically] Well, we won't know until she opens it!
While the Niles/Daphne story arc is advancing on Frasier's balcony, Frasier, Martin, Roz, and Donny are slumped around the living room, dejected:
Frasier: [sighing] People will go almost anywhere for free food and booze. Am I really so insufferable?
Roz: I could call up the station and see if people want to come over.
Frasier: [sarcastically] Oh, yes, Roz, let's call in the second string guests. Let's fill my home with a bunch of angry, snubbed co-workers! [Beat; earnestly] Do you think they'd come?
Right on cue, a crowd of guests shows up, to Frasier's delight. But Donny is suspicious:
Donny: Okay Marty, how did you get all these people down here?
Martin: Oh, I just called an old buddy in the Fire Department and told him that that many people in one place had to be a code violation.
Donny: Oh, that is smart. But aren't there going to be the same number of people down here?
Frasier: [at the piano] All right, everyone, we'll start by singing some carols and then we'll choose our teams for The Minister's Cat!^note
Martin: [smirking] I don't think that's gonna be a problem.
In The Tag, Martin steps out onto the balcony and finds Dancing Santa's hat. He looks over the railing, then sees Frasier walk past the window, trying to look innocent. Martin quickly deduces what happened and chases after Frasier in a rage.

712: RDWRER

Martin showing off his Winnebago's new personalized license plate, the titular "RDWRER". The clan don't get it.
Frasier: "Erd... Whirr-Er"?
Daphne: "Rid-Worr-Yer"?
Frasier: "Red Wearer"!
Martin: Oh, for God's sake! "Road Warrior"!
Daphne: Of course! For a retired man with a cane and a Winnebago, I don't know why my mind didn't go straight to it!
Later:
Angry Driver: Pick a lane, Road Warrior!
Martin: (triumphant) See? He got it!
As part of Frasier and Niles's New Years 2000 celebration, they plan to go to Sun Valley, but with it being just before New Years, they can't book a flight. Smash Cut to the Crane men in Martin's Winnebago, with Niles looking exactly as thrilled with this as you can imagine.
Martin ends up insulting a traffic cop by calling him a "goober" without realising that the cop was standing next to the open window at the time. Later, Frasier pulls an illegal U-turn on the interstate, and Martin quickly volunteers to pretend he was driving, hoping to use his cop background to smooth things over. Unfortunately for Martin, they get pulled over by the same cop from earlier:
Traffic Cop: You know what you did wrong back there?
Martin: Yeah, yeah, a U-ee.
Traffic Cop: (smugly) Nope! Called me a goober...

713: They're Playing Our Song

Daphne trying out a new vacuum. A few seconds on Martin's chair, and it explodes.
Frasier: Apparently the "Dirt Scourge 2000" was no match for the "Dirt Pile 1957".
Daphne: (annoyed) Well, this is going back. On the commercial they cleaned all the mud off a hippopotamus.
Only Frasier could take a simple request for a pre-show jingle and turn it into this.
Daphne: It was like Gilbert and Sullivan - only frightening.
Even funnier is Niles' reactions to the trombone behind him, and his admission to Frasier, "The trombone frightened me!"

714: Big Crane on Campus

When Frasier runs into Lorna Lynley (before she was re-named Lana Lynley by the writers), the most popular girl from his high school, he learns that she is recently divorced, but loses his nerve when he tries to ask her out and instead asks her to appraise his apartment in her capacity as a real estate agent. As he rushes Martin out of the apartment, Niles arrives, and we get a goldmine of funny moments as the scene plays out like a teenager trying to get rid of his Annoying Younger Sibling before his date shows up:
- First, there's Niles' entrance line:
  Frasier: Niles! What are you doing here?
  Niles: Well, I've got a crisis. Tomorrow's Mel's birthday, and I'm planning a very romantic evening, but my Gaggenau^note is on the fritz.
  Martin: [Squicked] Oh, geez, I don't need to hear this!
  Frasier: Dad, it's a stove.
  Martin: I know! Six burners and a griddle! Don't you guys ever talk about cars?! [leaves]
- Frasier agrees to let Niles use his kitchen the next day, but then tries to get him to leave. Unfortunately, his explanation that he has a date just stops Niles in his tracks:
  Niles: [grins eagerly] Oh? Anyone I know?
  Frasier: As a matter of fact, yes: Lorna Lynley.
  Niles: [impressed] Oh!... No, really, who?
  Frasier: No, it's true! I, I bumped into her today at the café.
  Niles: Lorna Lynley? You, sir, have moxie! [Frasier laughs modestly] Why, even with all my vested authority as hall monitor, I could never muster the courage to see her bathroom pass and you asked her out? [Frasier laughs modestly again] Whoa! I bow down before you! I doff my cap to you!
  Frasier: Well, actually, it- it's not really a date.
  Niles: [smirks] I knew it.
  Frasier: You see, uh, she's coming over to appraise the apartment, she's in real estate. And I... tried to ask her out, and I choked. I did get the impression that she was interested in me, though!
  Niles: Well, of course she is. Oh, and the coach called, you're starting in the big game on Sunday.
- Frasier resumes his attempts to get rid of Niles, but is unable to make any progress before the doorbell rings, sending both of them into a giddy panic. Frasier tells Niles he gets one quick "hello" and then has to leave, but the second Lorna enters and shakes his hand, Niles starts giggling like a schoolboy, not saying so much as one coherent word before he leaves. The next morning, after Frasier and Lorna have spent the night together, Niles shows up with the ingredients for his dinner with Mel, and when Lorna appears out of Frasier's room and greets him with a playful tousle of his hair, he dissolves into giggling again.
Frasier doesn't discover until after he has spent the night with Lorna that she smokes, drinks copiously, and has a very short temper. He walks her to the elevator in his building as she is smoking a cigarette, and she passionately kisses him goodbye before the doors close - at which point he breathes out the mouthful of cigarette smoke she just gave him.
With Frasier busy all day, Niles enlists Daphne's help in preparing his birthday dinner for Mel:
- At first, the atmosphere is easy-going, with the two having as good a rapport in the kitchen as they've ever had, leading to a great line from Daphne:
  Daphne: I haven't had this much fun in the kitchen since your brother caught his tie in the pasta machine!
- But things take a turn for the bizarre when Niles burns his hand on a hot pan handle. Daphne rubs some aloe cream on his palm, and, as she is still trying to make sense of her own feelings for Niles after learning of his six-year crush on her, her administration of first aid starts to take on a more affectionate tone, to Niles' confusion. Then Martin walks in...
  Martin: Hey, what's up?
  Daphne: [jumping back from Niles, speaking at double speed] Nothing! Why should anything be up? Dr. Crane burnt his hand and I was tending to it, that's all! Oh my. [picks up the oven timer] Look at the time. I've got to run! [flees the kitchen]
  Martin: [shrugging off Daphne's behaviour] Burned, huh? Well, you might wanna keep something cold on that. [gets a can of beer out of the fridge and places it on Niles' open palm] Here - you can hold my beer for me while I watch the game. [heads into the living room, leaving Niles visibly thinking "WTF!?"]
In the next scene, Niles runs into Frasier at Café Nervosa:
Niles: Hello, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, hello, Niles, how are you?
Niles: Fine, fine... [sitting down opposite Frasier] Although the oddest thing just happened.
Frasier: Oh, that man on the corner's name is Pete. If you give him a dollar, his monkey won't make those rude gestures.
Niles: [spends a moment absorbing this information] No, this is about Daphne. Uh... I burned my hand while I was cooking, and she began putting first aid cream on it, in a... a very tender way, and then, uh... Dad came in, and she jumped, as if she felt guilty. Is it possible Daphne has feelings for me?
Frasier: [without hesitation] No.
Niles: [sarcastically] Ah well, as long as you've considered it from all angles.
Frasier gives this winning line to Roz about sleeping with Lorna:
Roz: Whoa, you went to bed with the prom queen?
Frasier: Yes, and I woke up with Carrie.
Frasier: You know, if there's one thing I've learned, my old high school wounds are not going to be healed by sleeping with the prom queen.
Roz: Tell me about it: prom queen, assistant principal. You Can't Go Home Again!
Lorna's Aren't You Going to Ravish Me? rant at Frasier when the latter tries to end the date gracefully.
Lorna: You expect me to walk into a room full of my ex-classmates by myself? Like some pathetic divorcée who couldn't scare up a date for some old jock sendoff? I don't think so!
Frasier: Lorna...
Lorna: You know, I thought you'd be a nice rebound fling, get my feet wet dating again. You don't want that, that's fine. But I'll tell you what we are going to do: You're going to take my arm, you're going to escort me in that room, we're going to dance, make out like freshmen and leave with your hand on my ass, you got it?!
(Frasier considers this, smiles, and puts his arm in hers, and both smugly walk into the dance, each the trophy date of each other.)

715: Out with Dad

As the episode opens, it seems all five main characters are dateless on Valentine's Day; Roz and Daphne are planning to spend the evening watching sad movies at Frasier's apartment, while Frasier and Niles have tickets to see Rigoletto as Mel is out of town at a conference. However, as Niles arrives, it seems there's been a change of plan, which Frasier doesn't appreciate, leading to a hilarious exchange of insults:
Niles: [entering Frasier's apartment on the phone] I can't wait either! I, I, I'll see you in twenty minutes, valentine! [makes kissing noise into phone, then hangs up]
Frasier: [aghast] That had better be the seat duster in our opera box!
Niles: No, it was Mel! At the last minute, she decided to skip her conference!
Frasier: So!... I'll be going to the opera by myself.
Niles: [pretending the idea has just occurred to him] Oh! Well, here's a thought! If you give Mel your opera ticket, then you won't have to be alone! You can stay here and, and watch fun movies with Roz and Daphne! [looks at the VHS case in Roz' hand] Ooh!... Dying Young! It's a... classic!
Frasier: [incensed] I am surprised by your gall. At the last moment, you... you not only bail on me, you expect me to give up my own ticket!?
Niles: Please, Frasier, put yourself in my shoes. I have to do something for Mel. Every restaurant in town's been booked for weeks. I ran into Archie Wilfong today. He told me he had to settle for two seats at the counter at The Salad Experience! What would you suggest I do?
Frasier: Bring your own wine and order the Spicy Caesar!
Niles: [shoots Frasier a Death Glare as he storms to the door] May your opera box be full of cellophane crinklers and the stage swarming with standbys!
Frasier: Get Out!! [Niles slams the door behind him]
Martin suggests that Frasier's anger is born of jealousy that Niles is in a relationship and Frasier is not. Frasier rubbishes the idea at first, but is forced to admit Martin is right. Daphne has a... creative suggestion for his dating drought:
Frasier: I am not jealous, Dad, I am simply appalled by his rudeness, I was looking forward to this evening! [holds up his glass of sherry] Nice drink. Lovely opera. Then a late supper... [his tone starts to shift from defiance to despair] Perhaps a beautiful bottle of wine... a delightful... dessert soufflé... oh, God, I need a woman...
Daphne: Remember my friend Rowena? She's much prettier since her surgery. You look at her face and you can't even tell where it used to be!^note
Deciding to make his move on Emily Browning, a fellow operagoer, Frasier recruits Martin to accompany him, but Martin inadvertently attracts the eye of Emily's mother, Helen, and, wanting to spare her feelings, confirms her guess that his lack of interest is because he is gay. Emily agrees to go back to Frasier's apartment with him, but Martin's lie comes back to bite him when Emily and Helen agree that Emily's uncle, Edward, would be a perfect match for Martin, and he accompanies Emily back to Frasier's. Frasier learns of Martin's lie from Emily and confronts him over it, but is unable to explain that Edward has been brought as a prospective match for him before he agrees to "gay it up" a little. It all builds up to the following hilarious exchange:
Edward: [off Martin's claim that he stoked Frasier's interest in art and "upholstery"] Were you in the arts?
Martin: Oh, well, actually, Ed-
Frasier: [deciding to cut Martin off before he spins a lie he cannot rein in] Dad was a cop.
Edward: Really? [grins] The, er... uniform and everything?
Martin: [smiles back, missing the innuendo] Yeah, in fact, uh, that's what happened to my hip. I took a, uh, bullet trying to break up a robbery. Yeah, I called for backup, but it never showed up.
Emily: [sighing with indignation on Martin's behalf] Because you were gay.
Martin: [taking Emily's hand] Don't think I didn't wonder about that. [Frasier rolls his eyes] Yes, that was the day I came out. I was lying in that alley, covered with blood, bullet in my hip, and I said, "That's it, I'm gay, I like myself, and I'm not living a lie anymore!" [Frasier rolls his eyes again]
Edward: I had exactly the same experience when I came out! [puts his hand on Martin's knee; Martin does a Double Take, his eyes nearly coming out of their sockets. He hides his shock for Edward and Emily, but shoots Frasier a horrified look; Frasier smiles triumphantly] Not exactly, perhaps. Yours was a bullet in the hip. For me, it was a Lufthansa steward named Gunter.
Martin asks Frasier to accompany him to the kitchen to confront him over the setup, but Frasier refuses to come clean in the interest of preserving his date with Emily and to make Martin squirm after he lied to Helen. They emerge from the kitchen to find Edward and Emily talking to Daphne, who is no stranger to being set up with gay men herself, and is getting her own revenge on Martin's mockery in "The Matchmaker":
Frasier: [exiting the kitchen with Martin] Daphne!
Edward: We've just been chatting with your delightful physical therapist, Marty!
Daphne: [indicating Edward] Oh, he's a charmer, this one! Now aren't you glad you went to the opera? I keep telling him he should get out more, meet people. Most nights he just sits here, alone, watching the telly.
Emily: [also indicating Edward] He's the exact same way. He'll watch anything!
Daphne: With him it's mostly sport. Just give him a bunch of sweaty men chasing each other around a field and he-
Frasier: [quickly] Daphne! [grabs her arm and pushes her toward the kitchen] Where are we keeping the Camembert these days?
Daphne: [startled] Same place we always do!
Frasier: [sotto voce] Get in there!
Emily: You were smart to hire a woman for physical therapy. Much safer than a man. Edward sprained his leg last year.
Edward: All right, Emily.
Emily: I never trusted that man.
Edward: All right, Emily!
Emily: Why you loaned him your boat-
Edward: All right, Emily! [he smiles at Martin and shrugs helplessly]
[from the kitchen, we hear Daphne splitting her sides laughing; Frasier emerges a few seconds later, covering by laughing as though he and Daphne have just shared a joke]^note
To Martin's increasing alarm, he and Edward end up getting on so well that Edward asks him if he's free for dinner, and he tries another face-saving lie by pretending he is already dating someone. Enter his unwitting boyfriend...
Edward: Marty, you don't have to spare my feelings.
Martin: No, no, really, it's true!
Niles: [opens Frasier's front door] Hello.
Martin: Darling!
Niles: [so confused he cannot move or speak for a few seconds] ... sorry, am I interrupting something?
Martin: [grinning ear to ear] Not a thing, honey, just... take off your coat and stay a while!
Niles: [even more confused] Okay. [hangs up his coat] Uh, I, uh, felt bad about that little squabble earlier, so, uh... I thought I'd drop off this little peace offering. [picks up a bottle of wine]
Martin: [laughs] As if I could stay mad at you! [puts his arm around Niles] Uh, Edward, uh, this is my boyfriend, Niles. [Niles is dumbfounded] Niles, uh, this is Edward, we met at the opera tonight.
Edward: [shaking Niles' outstretched hand] Delighted.
Niles: Hello.
Edward: You needn't look so startled, I assure you there's nothing funny going on!
Niles: [clearly thinking otherwise, but for different reasons] Oh, good.
Frasier lets Niles in on the charade, but Niles is indignant that "They think the best I can do is an old man with a cane!"
With Frasier's date having taken a promising turn moments before, Frasier tells Niles that he has only one option: he must dump Martin. He does so in the funniest way imaginable:
Frasier: So, Niles! You actually, uh, missed a, a splendid evening at the opera.
Niles: Well, maybe I can catch it this weekend with Mel.
Martin: [feigning playful jealousy] Oh, and who's Mel?
Niles: [Suddenly explodes] DAMN you and your jealous questions, you don't OWN me! [storms off in a huff, sharing a look with Frasier before grabbing his coat and heading to the door]
Martin: [stunned] Niles, I was only asking!
Niles: You're ALWAYS asking! Badgering! Spying on me! Well, I won't be suffocated anymore! I'm tired of being your trophy boy! It's over! You hear me!? Over! [sniffs haughtily] And I'm keeping the jewellery. [sweeps off, slamming the door behind him]
Frasier: [trying to keep himself from guffawing] Oh, Dad. I'm so sorry.
And to add some unintended salt in the wound, we get Edward trying to be supportive:
Edward: [Kind but knowing sympathy] Marty, the young ones never stay.

716: Something about Dr. Mary

The replacement for Roz during her vacation, Chuck, and more importantly his severe speech impediment. Not a good combination when talking to Doctor Fwasier Cwane or Woz about what happened to his wife.
Roz: Hey, Chuck. How's it going?
Chuck: Oh, tewwible, Woz! My wife was in the Cawibbean and she weft me for a Wastafawian!
(Roz tries desperately not to crack up)
As a setup for the B-plot, Niles reveals to Martin that he's taken up kickboxing.^note
Niles: Oh, speaking of golf, Dad, I've become quite the sportsman myself!
Martin: Oh! [folds up his newspaper as Niles hands him a certificate]
Niles: What do you think of that?
Martin: [glancing over the certificate] Oh, it's very nice, son, but... calligraphy really isn't a sport. More of a craft.
Daphne, hearing about Niles's new skills, starts moving valuables out of the way.
Daphne: You know, I just remembered the Chihuly needs a good dusting.
(Frasier walks into the room)
Frasier: Daphne, I thought you cleaned that yesterday.
Daphne: Oh, did I?
Frasier: Oh, hello Niles. What brings you here?
Niles: I'm here to demonstrate my newly acquired feet (does a flying kick) of horrible fury!
Frasier: ... carry on, Daphne.
Frasier is concerned about confronting Mary's attitude while she's guest-producing his show. Marty has his own opinion about why - she's black and Frasier's overly concerned about being seen as racist.
Frasier: She's just starting out, I didn't want to squelch her enthusiasm.
Martin: Because she's black.
Frasier: No - Dad, please, will you just stop saying that? (Martin throws up his hand in apology) Anyway, I just have to deal with it for a week till Roz gets back.
Martin: Black.
Frasier: Stop it!
Niles shows off his newly acquired skills to Martin by demonstrating a roundhouse kick... unaware that Daphne has walked up behind him to watch until he kicks her square in the backside, knocking her into the dining table and spraining her wrist. To make it up to her, he takes over as many of her duties around the apartment as his schedule permits until her wrist heals... an arrangement Martin milks for every last drop:
Niles: Everything comfy, Daphne? [sets a tray of food on the coffee table in front of her] Here you are - this quiche should hold you 'til dinner.
Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, you really don't need to fill in for me, it's just a sprained wrist. I'm perfectly capable of cooking dinner!
Martin: [under his breath, not looking up from his newspaper] The hell you are. [Daphne glares at him]
Niles: Daphne, it is the least I can do, believe me. Until you're fully recovered, consider me your full-time stand-in. Oh! Which reminds me, Dad... [grabs a VHS cassette from the bookshelf] I rented your favourite video... [hands Martin the case]
Martin: [delighted] Oh-ho-ho! Death Wish!
Niles: Oh, I'll get your beer, I'm just frosting the mug in the freezer the way Daphne does! [heads into the kitchen]
Daphne: I never frost your beer mug!
Martin: Oh, be quiet, will you? He's feeling very guilty and we have to help him work through it!
Daphne: That is just baloney and you know it. Shame on you for taking advantage of your son - I don't know how you sleep at night!
Martin: Well, pretty good since he started puttin' a mint on my pillow and a cup of cocoa by the bed!
Daphne: [Beat] He never leaves me cocoa...
Martin: You have to fill out that little card. [traces a rectangle in the air with his finger]
Daphne: Oh.
Niles suggesting to Frasier that, if he's so concerned about appearing racist towards Mary while confronting her, just choose his words more carefully. An indignant Frasier suggests they roleplay such a scenario, leading to Niles's realization when Frasier, a white man in his forties, starts acting like a Sassy Black Woman, which is just the start of it.
Frasier: Are you saying I should choose my words more carefully?
Niles: Exactly.
Frasier: Fine, fine. Just exactly how would that go? Why don't you play me, and I'll be Mary?
Niles: Alright. Uh, Mary?
Frasier: (bobbing head, extremely curt) Frasier?
Niles: (pauses, as he realizes where this is going) I've, uh, been meaning to speak to you. Uh, people listen to the show for my expertise.
Frasier: So my opinion's not worth anything?
Niles: Well, I'm the one with the medical degree. Alright, now I want you to contribute, but up to a point.
Frasier: So you want me to stay in my place, massah?
(Niles and Martin shift in discomfort)
Niles: She's not going to say "massah".
Frasier: What, am I getting too uppity for you, you sherry-swillin', opera-lovin', Armani-wearin' elitist? (wagging his finger) You have no idea how difficult it is for a black woman in a white man's world!
Niles: ... Frasier -
Frasier: I don't think so!
In the end, Frasier manages to tell Mary about his misgivings with her approach, and she consoles him by revealing she's gotten a new radio show with a different station, and points out he could've approached her earlier... then points out that if he hadn't, she'd be back in her old job at the bakery, resulting in her saying:
Mary: (sincerely) God bless your guilty white ass.
In the final scene, Chuck has taken over for Roz' last few days off:
Frasier: Thank you for your call, Jill. [presses a button on his console] Well, Chuck, who else is on the line.
Chuck: Weww, Doctor Cwane, we have Winda on wine thwee, who bewieves peopwe awe waughing at hew.
Frasier: [very long pause as he tries not to giggle] Maybe we can just come back to that one, Chuck.
Chuck: Aww wighty!

717: Whine Club

Roz taunting Frasier about being corkmaster.
Frasier: We have wine club tonight, I'm sort of counting on [Niles] to help me become corkmaster.
Roz: But you'll still keep your secret identity as Frasier Crane, right?
[...]
Roz: Oh, and by Sunday, you'll be Corkman.
Frasier: Cork-master, thank you, Roz. [chuckles] Actually, I won't know until after the election tonight. But you know, I'll let you know.
Roz: Or I could just look up in the sky for the cork signal.
Frasier: Very amusing, Roz.
Roz: If you win, I'd love a ride in the Corkmobile!
Frasier: [no longer amused] All right, Roz!
The wine club's anthem, which is a version of "Rule Britannia" with altered lyrics. When Roz joins the Cranes for Sunday brunch, she curses out Frasier for getting the song stuck in her head.
Hail Corkmaster, the master of the cork
He knows which wine goes with fish or pork!
The Sunday brunch, with Frasier trying to break the ice between Mel and the gang. Things do not get off to a great start, as - like Maris - Mel has severe allergies to certain foods and Eddie, and the Bloody Marys Roz and Daphne start knocking back cause a bad case of In Vino Veritas to start breaking out.
Roz: [pouring herself a drink] May I pour you a Bloody Mary, Mel?
Mel: Oh, not for me, it's a little early in the day for hard liquor, don't you think?
Roz: [to herself] Not anymore. [removes the celery stalk from the glass and sits in Martin's chair]
Mel: Niles, let's get this gravalax in the refrigerator- oh, hello, Eddie! [grabs him by the collar and turns him away from her grocery bag] Or... should I say "goodbye".
Martin: Huh??
Mel: Well, Martin, I'm sure you're going to be locking Eddie out on the balcony if people are going to be eating here! [heads into the kitchen with Niles]
Martin: [sotto voce] Boy, I'll tell you who I'd like to lock out on the balcony.
Roz: [deadpan] Oh, please, let it be me.
Frasier: Now, now, may I remind you that we are having this little brunch in order to get acquainted with Mel. We owe it to Niles to give her a chance.
Daphne: I agree with Doctor Crane. [pours herself a drink] We should all have another Bloody Mary.
Frasier: I didn't say that!
Daphne: It was implied.
Then there's a drunken Daphne singing.
Daphne: (singing drunkenly) "With her head tucked underneath her arm / she walks the bloody tower!" (to Mel) You know who that song's about, don't you?
Mel: Bloody Mary?^note
Daphne: (drunk) Oh, don't mind if I do! (Daphne grabs another Bloody Mary and stumbles off)
Martin insists that they must keep their negative opinions of Mel to themselves, reminding Frasier that he didn't like Lilith, neither of them liked Maris, and neither Frasier nor Niles liked Sherry. Unfortunately, Daphne, who is still drunk, is out of the room for this conversation, so when Niles asks his family and friends for their honest opinion of Mel, a cascade of Poor Communication Kills ensues:
Niles: So?... [Frasier and Martin put on big fake smiles and shrug innocently]
Roz: [deciding discretion is the better part of valour] Ooh, I'm gonna go let Eddie in! [hurries out to the balcony]
Niles: Come on, seriously, I, I, I want you to be totally honest. Really. What do you think of Mel?
Daphne: [entering from the kitchen and picking up her Bloody Mary] Oh, I don't like her at all. She's bossy and fussy and mean - she's all wrong for you! [into phone] Yes, I need a large pepperoni pizza. Yeah, and some cheese bread! [heads back into the kitchen as Niles looks stunned]
Martin: [hurries after Daphne] I'm sure she didn't mean that, Niles! [fake laughs]
Niles: Well... ah... that was startling!
Frasier: [as Roz returns from the balcony behind him] Yes, well, don't take that seriously, Niles, you know how women sometimes just form irrational dislikes for one another.
Roz: [indignantly] Oh!... That's great! I leave the room for one second and you rat me out!
Frasier: No, Roz, I-
Roz: No, it's okay! I don't have anything to hide! And I'm not irrational. [pours herself another Bloody Mary] She's pushy, demanding, and a gigantic pain in the ass. I'd dump her like radioactive waste! [sits in Martin's chair]
Niles: [even more stunned] Well! So, that's two of you in the anti-Mel camp!
Roz: [to Frasier] Oh, did you tell him what you thought of Mel too? [Niles gapes at Frasier in disbelief]
Frasier: [sighing] No, Daphne did.
Roz: Oops... [beats a hasty retreat]
Niles: Frasier??
Frasier: I just think she's, she's Maris all over again. She's manipulative - I think you're repeating a terrible pattern!
Niles: [his shock gives way to anger] Oh, well, isn't this neat, we all have our individual reasons for disliking her. [sarcastically, as Martin and Daphne return from the kitchen] Hey, Dad, what's your reason for disliking Mel?
Martin: Well-
Daphne: [outraged] So you did tell him what you think of her! And after shoving me into the kitchen, and shaking your freaking finger at me!

718: Hot Pursuit

Niles popping by to learn Donny and Martin have gone off to a tractor pull.
Niles: (clearly not knowing) Oh.
Daphne: As I understand it, they attach a large weight to a tractor, then see how far they can pull it through the mud.
Niles: (still not knowing) Ohhh.
Daphne: The answer to your next question is "beats the hell out of me".
Shortly after, Martin and Donny return while Daphne is out of the room:
Donny: [removing a John Deere baseball cap] Where's Daphne? I got this little gift for her.
Niles: Oh, a John Deere cap. How... [decides not to bother with a polite adjective] could you?
Donny asks Martin to fill in for him on a stakeout, which Niles objects to because the neighborhood he wants Martin to go to sounds sketchy, but Martin makes a point:
Martin: Niles, to you, a rough neighborhood is one where the cheese shop doesn't have valet parking.
Niles, joining Martin on his stakeout, gets twitchy about the neighbourhood they're in, much to Martin's irritation.
Niles: Look at this neighborhood. I'm not even happy parking my Mercedes here.
Martin: It's not that bad.
Niles: Oh, really? Well, then could you explain to me the ominous group of men standing back there in the shadows by my car? They're all wearing the same dark coat. It's some sort of gang!
Martin: Niles, they're Hasidic Jews!

719: Morning Becomes Entertainment

As the episode opens, Frasier is re-negotiating his contract, and is confident of its renewal until Roz enters and tells him they are being booted out of their time slot so that Kenny can try Car Chat with Bob and Bethany in the afternoons instead. Frasier is convinced this is simply a negotiating tactic:
Roz: Well, I hope you're right.
Frasier: Well, of course I'm right! Bob and Bethany, Car Chat, please. I mean, how could anybody drone on for three hours about a subject that nobody even understands!
Roz: [deadpan] Yeah! We were there first!
In the B-plot, Martin's ever worsening eyesight leads to renewed pressure from Frasier and Daphne for him to get glasses after he accidentally goes into the ladies' toilet at Café Nervosa.
Frasier: It wouldn't hurt to get it checked out.
Martin: Oh, come on, don't you start too, there's nothing wrong with my eyes. Now, if you don't mind, I just want to sit here, quietly, [picks up what he thinks is his coffee mug] and have an- [realises he's actually picked up the cream jug; Daphne gives him a Disapproving Look] have a... drink of cream. D'you have a problem with that!? [defiantly drinks a mouthful of cream from the jug]
Later in the week, Bebe Glaser stops by Frasier's apartment to get up him to date on the progress - or lack thereof - in his contract negotiations, and we get some brilliant snark between her and the regulars:
- The B-plot brushes against the A-plot when the doorbell rings just as Daphne is telling Frasier that Martin's new glasses - which are rather clearly ladies' glasses, and ugly ones at that, but they were the only frames he liked in the optometrist's entire stock - are just another target for her skill at pretending to like something. Which, naturally, is Bebe's Inadvertent Entrance Cue:
  Martin: Daph, have you seen the case for them? I don't know what I did with it.
  Daphne: Yeah, I think I popped them into my purse, check my room.
  Martin: Okey-doke. Oh, wait till you see this case, Fras. This Loren guy really knows what he's doing. [heads toward Daphne's bedroom]
  Frasier: Ralph Lauren?
  Daphne: [giggling] Sophia!
  Frasier: [smiles and shakes his head] I'm amazed you could keep a straight face all day!
  Daphne: Well, I've done enough clothes shopping with your father. [doorbell rings] I'm pretty good at pretending to like things, no matter how horrifying I find them. [opens the door, and immediately puts on a big fake smile and welcoming tone of voice] Bebe, how nice to see you! [Bebe wordlessly hands Daphne her coat as if she were putting it on a coat hook and heads across to Frasier]
- Negotiations are going badly; KACL haven't even come up to the "insulting" salary Frasier said he wouldn't accept. Niles arrives shortly afterward to join Frasier for lunch, and has a creative suggestion for Bebe - to which she has an equally creative riposte:
  Bebe: Don't worry, dear, I just need to find a way to throw a scare into 'em.
  Niles: Have you tried turning into a bat?
  Bebe: [smiles thinly at Niles] I would, love, but most grown men don't share your fear of tiny creatures.
- As it turns out, Bebe has accepted an offer for Frasier and Roz to take over local morning show AM Seattle for a week (true to form, she accepted the offer before telling Frasier about it), anticipating that KACL will agree to her terms when they see they risk losing Frasier to television. Frasier agrees, enticed by the possibility of making the show more highbrow, and Bebe celebrates in the usual way:
  Bebe: [takes out her phone and her cigarettes, removing one from the latest pack] May I?
  Frasier: On the balcony, if you don't mind.
  Bebe: [rhapsodically] Mind? I don't want a single puff tearing up the baby blues of TV's newest sensation! By this time next week-
  Niles: You heard him, if you're gonna blow smoke, do it on the balcony. [Bebe glares at Niles and heads onto the balcony]
Niles, unsurprisingly, is disgusted at Frasier for accepting a morning TV job, telling him it's "the final step in [his] descent from legitimate psychiatrist to dancing bear." And, apparently (yet also unsurprising), Frasier's desire for attention is nothing new:
Frasier: Niles, we are talking about doing a sophisticated television show for one week in order to improve my contract negotiations.
Niles: This has nothing to do with your contract negotiations! You have been an applause junky ever since you first set foot on a grammar school stage.
Frasier: [indignant] I was drawn to the theatre because of its discipline and collaborative spirit!
Niles: Oh, please, in your sixth grade production of Oklahoma!, you took so many curtain calls, Mrs. van Raphorst had to lasso you and pull you from the stage!
Frasier: That woman never understood me or the role of Farmer No.3!
Just as Frasier is rubbishing Niles' suggestion that Bebe is "some kind of malign witch who can transform people at will", Martin reappears, while still wearing the ugly lady glasses, while carrying Daphne's purse (in which he has been searching for his glasses case), prompting a very dry remark from Niles.
Martin: I can't find a damn thing in this purse!
Niles: If I say I'm sorry, will she change Dad back into a man?
Unfortunately for Frasier, on their first morning, Matt, the director, tells him they're minutes away from airing a rerun as Roz hasn't arrived - and the threat continues to loom when she does arrive, at least until a bigger threat replaces it:
Roz: [stumbles into the studio, looking and sounding completely out of it] Hey! Sorry I'm late.
Frasier: Roz! Oh, for God's sakes, you look awful! Are you sick?
Roz: [as Frasier feels her forehead] No, of course not, I wouldn't be sick for our big debut, I'm totally fine!
Frasier: Roz, you're burning up!
Roz: Well, it is kinda hot in here! Maybe it's all these lights. If I could just get this jacket off... [but as she isn't wearing a jacket, she starts unbuttoning her blouse instead]
Frasier: No, no, Roz, Roz, STOP, stop! [grabs her hands mid-unbutton]
Matt: She's delirious!
Bebe: With anticipation, darling! Don't worry, I'll calm her down. [pulls Roz aside and shakes her violently] PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, d'you hear me, we need this show!
Matt: All right, everyone, we're doing a rerun, let the audience go, cue the tapes.
Bebe: [runs over to the director] Wait! Can't Frasier do the show without her?
Matt: This is a chat show. Who's he gonna chat with?
Bebe: [thinks] Me! I'll go on with him!
Frasier: [appalled] You!? [shakes Roz violently] PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, ROZ!
On their final morning on AM Seattle, which begins with the duo wearing ponchos and sombreros for the "Friday Fiesta", Bebe shows Frasier his new KACL contract, but also tries to entice him with a long-term offer from AM Seattle. Niles arrives in the middle of her "sales pitch":
Bebe: [grabbing Frasier like a drowning woman grabbing a life preserver] Admit it, darling, you want this as much as I do! [unnoticed by Frasier and Bebe, Niles walks up to the refreshment table to fetch a bottle of water] I saw it in your eyes during the pie-eating contest - nobody loves blueberries that much! It's the audience you love!
Floor Manager: [off-screen] Are you ready for Bebe and Frasier? [the audience cheers; Bebe and Frasier's faces light up, while Niles looks concerned]
Bebe: Listen to them! They want you...
Frasier: [caught up in the moment] They do want me, don't they!
Bebe: [resting her head on Frasier's shoulder] Tell me to tear up the contract, Frasier!
Frasier: Maybe it is time for a change!
Niles: GET AWAY FROM HIM, YOU SHE-THING!
Frasier: [disengaging from Bebe] Niles!
Niles: [sets down the water bottle] It's a good thing Dad started choking on that peanut or I'd have never come back here for water! Stop this madness!
Bebe: [grabs Frasier's arm] He can't stop it! No-one can, show business is in his blood!
Niles: [grabs Frasier's other arm] No, psychiatry is! Frasier, you're a healer.
Bebe: Anyone can heal! You're better than that: you're an entertainer...
Frasier: Oh God, Niles... she's right! I love the audience. [sobbing theatrically] I know it's shallow, but it makes me feel alive!
Niles: [unimpressed] Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look in this costume!?
Niles finally talks Frasier into renewing his contract with KACL. Determined not to give up her TV dreams, Bebe tries latching on to the nearest immediate male to sweet talk them into being her co-host:
Bebe: Then quit! Who needs ya? [adjusts her poncho] I'll find some other stuffed shirt who's happy to ride my coattails to fame. [grabs her sombrero, then inspiration strikes] Niles, you're a doctor!
Frasier: [standing in front of Niles as though shielding him] Niles, don't look into her eyes!
In The Stinger, Martin is sitting next to a middle-aged woman, who puts on identical glasses to his. The awful look of realization of just what he's been wearing can't be described.

720: To Thine Old Self Be True

At the beginning of the episode, Niles informs Frasier and Roz about a very overweight woman at the donut shop across the road who's clearly having problems stopping. They're horrified by Niles's apparent voyeurism - until he identifies the woman:
Frasier: That's what you brought us over here for? To gawk at some poor woman's struggle with junk food!?
Roz: Big deal, so she's overweight, you don't need to point it out! (Niles gives them a confused look as they go to sit down again) It's rude.
Frasier: It's childish.
Niles: It's Maris. (Frasier and Roz immediately rush back to the window)
[...]
Frasier: Dear God, hard to believe that's the same frail woman who once sprained her wrist from having too much dip on a cracker.
[...]
Roz: Well, she moved next door to the Italian deli. The guy just took the two-foot salami out the window.
This line from Martin while reading a smut newspaper:
Martin: (to Frasier) Oh, will you stop moping. It'll all work ass.
(moments later...)
Martin: It's absolutely none of your boobs.
Martin decides to take charge of hiring a stripper for Donny's bachelor party, and she arrives at Frasier's apartment in costume as a policewoman. When Daphne (who doesn't like the idea of Donny having a stereotypical "alcohol and strippers" bachelor party) happens upon the stripper, Frasier claims she really is a policewoman named Officer Nasty, and Daphne believes it.
As part of his attempt to divert Daphne's attention, Frasier claims "Officer Nasty" is considering leaving the force and taking over Daphne's housekeeping duties, so he takes her into his bedroom... and starts giving her pointers on showmanship. He ends up handcuffed to her after insisting she use her prop handcuffs - and inevitably discovers she doesn't have the key. Even better is Martin's initial reaction when the attempt to cut the chain fails and Frasier says there's only one method left:
Martin: [panicking] Well, I gotta warn you, I'm not as good a shot as I used to be... we're gonna have to go out on the balcony- I need a cup of coffee to steady my nerves!
Frasier: DAD!... I meant go to a locksmith.
The third act of the episode is one long, hilarious pile-up of circumstances that make it more and more difficult for Frasier to hide the stripper, Dinah, from the many people he doesn't want to see him in this situation.
- First, Niles and a very distraught Mel arrive; after having seen a photo of Niles and Mel in the society pages, Maris has claimed that her sudden weight gain was caused by a nicked thyroid gland during a neck tuck, and Mel is already losing patients. Mel asks Daphne for a massage to relieve her stress; Daphne, who is suffering a splitting headache herself, only agrees for Niles' sake. Cut to Daphne making the massage as painful for Mel as possible.
  Mel: Are you sure you know what you're doing?
  Daphne: Trust me, I know exactly what I'm doing.
- While they are out of the room, there is a hammering at the door - it's Maris, who now has a weight advantage over Mel. Frasier, alarmed at the thought of Maris adding him to the list of people whose reputations she is currently dragging through the mud, hides in the powder room until Martin tells them the coast is clear.
  Martin: My God, have you seen Maris!?
  Frasier: Yes, Dad, I know. Did Niles calm her down?
  Martin: Yeah, he took her to your room, but he had to butter her up a little.
  Frasier: I was afraid that narrow doorway might pose a problem.
- But as soon as Frasier tries to exit the apartment, he runs into his neighbour Regan, who has been expressing interest in making another go of their relationship despite the setbacks in "Rivals" and "The Late Dr. Crane" but who last saw Frasier with his blazer shut in the box from which he bought a pornographic newspaper. Frasier continues to make a horrible impression when he is forced to shut the door on the handcuff chain with himself outside and Dinah inside... which means he can't help Regan when she drops a bag of groceries all over the floor. He tries to claim he has a bad back and retreats into the apartment... just as Mel and Daphne return, leaving him just enough time to hide Dinah but not himself in the powder room. Then Niles walks out of the kitchen with a large stack of junk food...
  Mel: Niles, where are you going with all that food?
  Niles: Ehm, Dad is not feeling well, so I thought I'd bring him some comfort food. [heads across the living room] And, uh, by the way, if anyone's going out, Dad specifically requested something called a "chalupa".^note
- As Niles leaves, there is a knock at the door; unable to reveal Dinah in front of the ladies, Frasier asks an incredulous Daphne to open the door even though he is nearly twenty feet closer to it. It's Regan, who wants to help with Frasier's "back pain", and soon Mel and Daphne are offering their own suggestions, and finally Frasier decides he's had enough...
  Regan: I was concerned about your back.
  Daphne: You hurt your back?
  Frasier: No, no, just a, a, a spasm. See, leaning against the wall like this, it actually feels a lot better.
  Mel: Is it upper back or lower?
  Frasier: Middle, actually, uh, if you could all just leave me alone, really, I'm fine right here.
  Daphne: Why don't we just get you onto the couch. [tries to take Frasier by the elbow]
  Frasier: No no no! No, please. Please. I, I know what I'm doing.
  Regan: We'll each take a side.
  Frasier: NO! STOP!
  Mel: Frasier, it could be a thoracic strain.
  Daphne: Or a bulging disc.
  Regan: Yes! Impinging on your lumbar nerves.
  Frasier: [running out of patience] Yes! It could easily be any one of those things! But did you also consider that it might be... the stripper chained to my wrist! [opens the powder room door to reveal Dinah, who waves sheepishly; Mel and Regan are stunned, Daphne even more so]
  Daphne: Officer Nasty!
  Frasier: [Facepalms] Everyone... this is Dinah. [Mel and Regan force polite smiles of greeting] You see, this all happened because I was trying to prove that I'm a, a normal guy, capable of doing normal guy things like throw a bachelor party, [Daphne gets a Disapproving Look and folds her arms] and, Daphne, Donny didn't know anything about it so I wish you'd just lighten up! [Daphne is unmoved] Regan, I, I can't even imagine where this must put us. I guess it's just time I accept the fact that things will never work out between us. You're certainly not to blame. After today, I can't see that any woman would even want to go out with me.
  Dinah: I think... I would.
  [a triumphant grin slowly spreads across Frasier's face as Daphne, Mel, and Regan are left in stunned silence]
In the final scene, Frasier returns from his date with Dinah and tells Martin she's working her way through graduate school, lives with her mother, and is very well-read and speaks multiple languages. All Martin has on his mind? Lasciviously musing, "It really makes you wonder what that mother looks like!"
In The Tag, Daphne finds the smut mag, and as Martin tries reading it again, she marches past and snatches it from him, as Martin pleads for her not to.

721: The Three Faces of Frasier

Frasier finally gets a caricature on the wall of Stefano's, the upscale Italian restaurant at which he has been a regular customer since childhood. However, he is unamused to see that the caricature sports a Forehead of Doom, and as he, Martin, and Daphne return home, he vents his frustration:
Martin: Fras', will you let it go, it's a perfectly nice picture!
Frasier: Oh?... so, nothing jumped out at you as, I don't know, encephalitic!?
Martin: So they gave you a big forehead, who cares? It makes you look smart!
Frasier: It makes me look like I discovered fire!
[later, after Niles (who bowed out of going to Stefano's after a childhood vomit incident) has arrived and asked what the surprise was]
Daphne: They put his picture on the wall and he thinks his forehead looks a touch too big.
Frasier: A touch?! I look like a fugitive from Easter Island!
Niles chides Frasier for his vanity in objecting to the quality of his caricature after spending his entire life hoping to be immortalised on the wall at Stefano's. Frasier calls him out on his hypocrisy:
Frasier: Vanity has nothing to do with it! It's about misrepresentation! And you know, if I were you, I'd be careful about bandying about the word "vain", Mr. $250 Haircut! [Martin looks at Niles in disbelief]
Niles: [defensively] I have problem follicles.
Martin: Frasier, it's a caricature, they exaggerate stuff. Now, if it were me, they'd have drawn, maybe, a big cane. [gestures to his cane] If it were Niles, they'd draw a barber cutting the hair off a giant sucker. [Niles looks offended; Frasier smirks at him]
Daphne tries to comfort Frasier, only for the conversation to take an unexpected turn thanks to her ongoing subconscious turmoil over the possibility that she might reciprocate Niles' feelings for her:
Daphne: I know you're sensitive about your big forehead. But we all have stuff like that! With me it's my eyes. I've always fancied sparkling blues instead of dull old brown.
Niles: Your eyes? [scoffs] Your eyes are not dull!
Daphne: [pleased] Thank you, Dr. Crane, that's very nice.
Niles: Well, they're, they're... warm, and, and, uh... full of life.
Daphne: [without thinking] You have beautiful eyes too. [Niles and Frasier absorb this; when Daphne finally realises what she has just said, she hurriedly sets down the parcel she is holding] Oh, goodness, I can't be lollygagging around here, I have to... to get Dr. Crane his oat bran! [she grabs something from the coat rack and hurries to the front door]
Frasier: Oat bran? Now?
Daphne: You'll need it for the morning! You've got to have something to sop up all that nasty cholesterol gumming up your heart! If not, I'm liable to come home and find you face down on the floor, with the dog gnawing off your foot. And I'm not making that up either, that happened. Cheerio! [shuts the door after her]
Martin: I wish she moved that fast when I'm out of beer.
Later on Frasier declares he has an idea about how to get the picture changed to a more flattering one, Niles leaves him with a parting shot, hoping he doesn't lose the idea inside 'that giant puppet head of yours.'
Frasier: (Indignantly) Giant puppet head indeed!
At the episode's climax, Frasier finally loses his cool and chews Stefano out for hiring a third-rate artist to draw his portrait. As Frasier rips into the artist's apparent lack of skill, Stefano's elderly mother bursts into tears, and Frasier realises that she is the artist. Frasier's anger crumbles as a berserk Stefano chases him out of the restaurant with his tail between his legs.

722: Dark Side of the Moon

The episode opens with Daphne in a therapy session with psychiatrist Dr. McCaskill, and the ensuing conversation reveals that a judge has ordered her to go into anger management counselling. Daphne tells Dr. McCaskill about the surprise bridal shower Donny threw for her at Niles' apartment, and the game of "toilet paper bridal gown" the guests played.
- Team A, which includes Donny as the "model" and Daphne's friend Holly as one of the "designers", produces a dress that looks more like a child's homemade mummy costume. However, Team B, which includes Martin as the "model" and Niles as the head "designer", gives us the funniest dress - or lack thereof:
  Mel: Team B!
  [Martin's "costume" is revealed to consist entirely of a veil and a few strips of toilet paper criss-crossing his torso with a bow in the middle, making him look as though he belongs under a Christmas tree]
  Niles: [embarrassed] We're not finished yet!
  Martin: [angry] You shouldn't have spent so much time with the sketches!
- But Team C, with Roz as the "model" and Frasier as the head "designer", is the runaway winner with a startlingly realistic dress, complete with toilet paper bouquet.
  Frasier: [after Roz has removed the toilet paper dress] Roz, you know, some day, you're going to make a beautiful bride. Of course, your dress won't be made out of toilet paper. [Roz laughs]
  Niles: Or be white. [Roz shoots him a Death Glare and smacks him with a toilet paper bouquet]
Donny announces that he has invited Daphne's favourite brother over from England: Stephen! ... er, no. Billy? No. Michael? Nigel? David? None of the above - Donny has invited her parasitic, alcoholic, least favourite brother, Simon. Who sets up in Frasier's guest room and becomes The Thing That Would Not Leave, which leads to an unfortunate encounter when Frasier heads into his bedroom upon returning home from work, after Martin and Simon spent the entire night before watching rugby:
Daphne: [as Martin enters the apartment with Eddie] Mr. Crane, I thought you were out with Simon!
Martin: Nope, just Eddie.
Daphne: Then where's Simon?
Frasier: DAPHNEEEEE! [charges into the living room] Your brother is in my bed, NUUUUUUUDE!
Things actually get worse for Frasier when Simon comes into the room wearing one of Frasier's bathrobes, and then offers to take it off. Mercifully, he's wearing underwear. Namely, Frasier's boxers. Which he found on the bathroom floor. Frasier suddenly has problems standing.
The climax, as Daphne finally reaches breaking point. As the other characters are captivated and horrified by the four-car pile-up caused by Daphne's slight-induced rant, including Daphne herself, a miffed, cold-ridden and completely oblivious Frasier walks by to provide some much-needed Mood Whiplash:
[as Daphne opens the door to an irate Elliott Bay resident with a basket of dirty, wet laundry]
Neighbour: [acidly] I know what you did. Someone saw you leave the laundry room. You threw all my wet clothes all over the floor!
Daphne: [reaching not so much breaking point as shattering-into-powder point] Ohhh. I'm sorry. I didn't realise they were still wet. [grabs the laundry basket] HERE! Let me help! [runs over to the fireplace]
Neighbour: What are you doing?!
Daphne: Oooh! That's nice and hot! [starts throwing items of clothing into the fire]
Neighbour: Stop it!
Daphne: [as Martin, Donny, and Donny's parents look on in horror] What, not fast enough for you!? Here! [runs to the balcony and opens the door]
Neighbour: STOP IT!!
Daphne: Maybe if we AIR-DRIED them! [runs outside and upends the basket over the edge as the neighbour continues to shout her protests] THERRRRRE! [hurls the basket to the balcony floor] That should do it! YA HAPPY NOW?!
[HONK] [CRASH] [CRASH] [beep beep beep] [CRASH] [CRASH] [Donny's parents are appalled, Donny looks mortified, Martin Face Palms, and Daphne herself visibly realises she has gone much too far. Even Simon and his three barfly friends are shocked. Enter the one person in the apartment who has no idea what has just happened...]
Frasier: [marching to the kitchen] FINE! I guess I'll just have to make my OWN teeeeeeaaaa!
The episode's final scene likewise ends on a comical note of Mood Whiplash; Dr. McCaskill asks Daphne why she was wearing her favourite dress to her bridal shower if it was a surprise, forcing her to acknowledge that the real reason she went to Niles' apartment dressed in her best is because she thought he was finally going to tell her he loved her - and she was fully prepared to reciprocate. Her mind positively brimming with questions, she asks Dr. McCaskill what it means and what she should do, and gets a singularly unhelpful answer:
Dr. McCaskill: I'm sorry, but our time is up.

723: Something Borrowed, Someone Blue, Part 1

As the episode opens, Roz drops off a gift for Daphne, reasoning that she can't get married without something borrowed. Niles can't resist a dig at Roz' expense:
Daphne: [opening the box] Oh! What a beautiful garter! [takes it out of the box and admires it] Look at all of the lovely detail.
Niles: I especially like the little odometer. [Roz gives him a dirty look and backhands him in the stomach; Frasier smirks at Niles behind Roz and mouths "That's good!"]
Roz unwittingly sets herself up to be snarked at by Niles again minutes later when she begs Daphne not to seat her next to her ex-boyfriend Tim at the wedding reception (which is difficult as Tim is now dating Daphne's bridesmaid Annie):
Roz: [sighs, frustrated] This always happens to me. Is there no place I can go without running into some guy I dated?
Niles: I was reading about a Trappist monastery in the Amazon that they somehow built into the treetops.
Roz: [gives Niles another dirty look] Shut up, ya big doily.
Frasier tries to reassure Roz she's not going to the wedding alone, but with him. Roz isn't taken because he's her boss, comparing it to the idea of someone going to the prom with their brother, prompting an alarming outburst from Fras.
Frasier: Niles and I did not go to the prom together! Our dates were sick and we went stag!
(Roz looks grossed out, while Daphne tries not to laugh)
Niles: In retrospect, yes, we should've cancelled the horse-drawn carriage, but hindsight is 20-20.
Daphne informs Frasier that she knows about Niles's crush. He's outraged, not being able to recall the little detail of just who clued her in.
Frasier: Somebody blabbed, didn't they!? Why can't people just mind their own business?! Who was the nattering gossip? Roz!? Dad!?
Daphne: You.
Frasier: What!?
Daphne resolves to talk to Niles about their feelings for each other, and tries to calm her nerves by eating cookies from a large bag. This doesn't go unnoticed by the many people who ring the doorbell before Niles arrives:
Daphne: I don't even know how I'm going to begin this conversation. [eats another cookie]
Frasier: I'm sure those chocolate chip-blackened teeth will be a nice icebreaker.
[...]
Martin: You know, when they put "Party Size" on that cookie bag, they don't mean party of one.
The plight of Mrs. Whitman, a neighbour of Frasier's stuck overhearing everyone's dirty laundry as she's riding the elevator, starting with Frasier and Daphne, then Frasier and Martin.
Daphne asks Frasier to clear Martin out of the apartment, so she can tell Niles she loves him, while Niles has just told Martin he married Mel last night. Frasier hurries Martin out of the apartment before he can tell Frasier, so he has to tell him in the elevator. As a result, Frasier bails out and rushes up the stairs back to his apartment, resulting in him bursting into the room before Daphne or Niles can tell one another anything, and bellowing "NILES!" at the top of his lungs.

724: Something Borrowed, Someone Blue, Part 2

The introduction to Gertrude Moon, who turns out to not be as bad as Daphne's stories over the last seven years suggested... she's worse. So much worse. She mistakes Frasier for Donny, doesn't approve of Donny, and incessantly complains about everything under the sun, then storms out of the room to go see to Mr. Moon.
Gertrude: Well, I'm gonna see if your father's stomach is feeling any better. He keeps saying it's tension. What he's got to be tense about, I'll never know!
(Frasier looks at Daphne)
Daphne: (cheerfully) I was worried she'd be in one of her dark moods.
Frasier blaming Roz for his revealing everything to Daphne.
While much of the scene is heart-wrenching, there's severe Mood Whiplash as Niles and Daphne's attempts to talk are repeatedly ruined by people bursting in, culminating in Simon and Gertrude Moon bringing the entire wedding party into the room, even after Niles and Daphne lock the doors (Simon stole Frasier's key).
Throughout the two-parter there's a running thread about a vintage bottle of wine gifted to the family by the widow of their former doorman. The bottle trades hands several times and ends up with Frasier who decides to open it to cheer Niles up after Daphne decides to marry Donny. Frasier, Niles and Martin all take a sip of the wine...which is when they realise that it tastes awful.
Niles: Dad, where did Morrie keep this?
Martin: In his wine rack.
Frasier: Which is...?
Martin: In the boiler room.^note

Season 8

801: And the Dish Ran Away with the Spoon, Part 1

Daphne and Niles having to break the news to Donny and Mel about what's happened — from Donny and Mel's first person POV. Donny faints, and Mel...
Niles: Please, say something.
Mel: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

802: And the Dish Ran Away with the Spoon, Part 2

Frasier tries pouring scorn on Niles' attempt to pretend to be happy, forgetting he's next to Martin.
Frasier: Have you ever seen anything so pathetic in your life?
Martin: How about you and Lilith?
Frasier: It was a rhetorical question.
Roz shows up, having been invited by Mel because she thought Niles's side of the guest list looked sparse. Roz is not in the best of moods.
Roz: Forgive me if I'm not in the spirit of this wink-wink "happy occasion", but I'm in a very crappy mood.
Niles: Are you limping?
Roz: Yeah, I twisted my ankle on the stairs. You know how that happened? I couldn't find the shoes that went with this dress so I had to wear these stupid three inch spikes, and the check engine light on my dash keeps coming on.
Niles: What does that have to do with your ankle?
Roz: Nothing! It just really ticks me off! The bar! The bar! Thank you! (Niles and Mel silently point to the bar)
Niles: How nice of her to come.
At the fake wedding reception for Niles and Mel, Martin decides to have his fun by faking concern the marriage won't last.
Martin: In a few weeks time, I'm gonna look like a genius.
Mel drops her bombshell during the fake reception, stating that so long as they're pretending to be married, Niles cannot be seen with Daphne. The next day, Niles works up to telling Daphne this, as she thinks they've just postponed their first date. Daphne, who takes this about as well as could be expected storms off, when Niles makes it so much worse.
Niles: When you think about it from Mel's point of view, it really does make sense.
(Daphne stops dead)
Frasier: (sotto vocce to Martin, wincing) He came so close...
Frasier, in full-on It's All About Me mode, getting his ham on as only Frasier can when Daphne and Niles reach the end of their rope with the whole situation.
Frasier: This is all my fault!
Niles: Oh, SHUT UP, FRASIER! The only thing more hollow than your protests of innocence is your big, fat head!
Frasier: I. AM. WOUNDED!
(Niles sighs dramatically)
Frasier: I intervened only out of love and caring about the two people-
Daphne: Oh, put a sock in it!
Daphne, now beyond pissed off at Frasier and Niles, storms out, at which point Frasier still expects and demands Niles to apologize to him. Niles refuses.
Niles: And furthermore, why don't you take your broadside, stuff it in a chair and keep your unlimited supply of opinions, suggestions, proposals, and recommendations to yourself!
Frasier: Well. I. Never!
Niles: Yes. You. Always!
Frasier: GET OUT!!
Afterward, Frasier rants about how he's never going to interfere in Niles and Daphne's affairs again to Martin, who understandably doesn't believe a word, and is more concerned with fixing himself as sandwich.
Martin: Well, if you figure out a way to get them back together, I'll be in my room if you need any help.
Frasier: Haven't you been listening to me?
Martin: Well, I tried not to, but some of it still got through.

803: The Bad Son

Niles enjoying the fact he no longer even needs an excuse to see Daphne.
[Daphne answers the doorbell to reveal Niles standing outside]
Daphne: Hey Niles! I thought you were working.
Niles: Well, the patient cancelled, so I thought I'd drop by and see you. (sighs) Oh my god, you have no idea how good it feels to say that. I'm here to see you! No more flimsy pretenses, no more making tedious small talk with dad!
Martin: Hey, Niles, it's 82 in Florida!
Niles: Here to see Daphne, dad!
Frasier returns home in a bad mood. His BMW's in the shop because he hadn't changed the pollen filter. Having tried to take the bus, he missed his stop, got caught in a downpour and drenched after having to walk ten blocks in Seattle's finest rain. Niles' only take-away.
Niles: You went six months without changing your pollen filter?
Frasier invites a date over, which conflicts with Niles and Daphne's plan to recreate a romantic night from several years ago, and suggests Niles and Daphne do it on the roof. Niles objects, but Daphne...
Daphne: What a romantic idea!
Niles: (through clenched teeth) Isn't it?

804: The Great Crane Robbery

Frasier and Mel's warm reunion at Café Nervosa.
Mel: Frasier, you're looking-
Frasier: And you. We must do this again sometime. (flees)
Frasier redesigning his apartment after new KACL owner Todd takes a shine to it and imitates it exactly. At the end of the following montage, a despondent Frasier has gotten rid of everything in his apartment except Martin's chair. Then, just as Martin's reassured him, Todd shows up to say his apartment is getting media coverage from Architectural Digest. A horrified Frasier tries to sit down, only there's a problem there...
Niles, being forced to act like a jackass by Mel, is told to insult a man at dinner so Mel can have justification for divorcing him. And when Niles does, it all goes horribly right.
Andrew: (refilling his wine glass) I'm a little dry.
(Mel coughs)
Niles: Dry? I know that's not your liver speaking.
(Andrew stares in shock, and the other guests look awkward)
Mel: Niles, we just discussed you were not going to bring that up.
Niles: Well I did so there. (Mel kicks him) And I'll say it again. You're probably seeing two of me, so you might as well hear me twice! You, sir, are a complete... drunk!
Andrew: (sadly) Niles, how could you-?
Niles: (gestures at Mel) Well...
Andrew: How could you know? I thought I was hiding it so well. I have a problem. It's time I face it.
Guest: I've been meaning to say something, but I didn't have the courage.
Other guest: Not like Niles. You're a good person.
(Niles cringes)
Andrew: I'm getting help, first thing tomorrow. (to his wife) I'm so sorry, baby.
(the couple hold hands)
Margaret: Thank you for giving me my husband back. Mel, darling, you married an angel.
Mel: (with a forced smile) Don't I know it.

809: Frasier's Edge

Dr. Tewkesbury, faced with a despondent Frasier, has to reassure his wife he won't be late for dinner.
Dr. Tewkesbury: One of my former students is having a minor crisis. I'll be there in half an hour.
Frasier: WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!
Dr. Tewkesbury: ... make it an hour.
As part of a running subplot of Daphne's ongoing weight-gain problem, Roz brings up her concerns to Martin, who expresses his approach in his own way:
Martin: Timing is very delicate in something like this, Roz. I thought I'd wait until after she gets too big to catch me but before she needs the motorized scooter.
Gil expects to win a SeaBee for his show, only to find that there are two winners who will share the award ("Do they expect me to share? What is this, dim sum?"), and to his horror, of the three people nominated, the other two share the win, and he gets nothing. He doesn't take it well.
Roz: Oh, come on, Gil, isn't it enough just to be nominated?
Gil: (venomously) You tell me, Miss Three-Time-Loser! (flashes her a monumentally bitchy Take That! glare)
Frasier refuting Dr. Tewkesbury's analysis, that his behaviour stems from developmental issues.
Frasier: I am not an eight year old... (as childishly as possible) And you are not my mentor anymore!

810: Cranes Unplugged

While Freddie's visiting, he's chatting with a friend who mentions something on TV, prompting Freddie to ask Martin to change the channel.
Martin: (over the sound of hip-hop playing) Aw, jeez, what is this? They're half nude. That's just not right.
Freddie: (as Martin gets out his glasses) I saw this one already.
When Freddie brushes off Frasier, Martin is still enthralled.
Martin: I've never seen such dancing... what do you think their shorts are made of?
Frasier: (equally entranced) Some sort of... steel mesh. (starts to tilt his head) WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WATCHING?!
Martin suggests Freddie's behaviour is just typical.
Martin: Kids that age never want to talk to their dad.
Frasier: I never stopped talking to you.
Martin: (long-suffering) I know, buddy.
Daphne apparently flirting with Niles's squash partner, much to Niles's confusion, prompting him to ask, once the man's gone "what's going on? I think I'm having some kind of stroke!"
Freddie revealing he's no longer got feelings for Daphne, to Niles.
Freddie: I liked her when I was a little kid. I'm over it now. I mean, she's like a hundred.
Niles: She most certainly is not. It just burns you up that I got her -
Frasier: Niles!
Frasier, prompted by his distance from Freddie and Martin recounting his own childhood behaviour, decides all three generations of Cranes will go on a camping trip.
Frasier: There will be no electronics, there will be no distractions. Just three generations of Cranes. cooking over a fire and sleeping under the stars! We leave at daybreak!
(Freddie shakes his head)
Martin: (childishly) Good work, Freddie!

812: The Show Must Go Off

Want to see a magnificent actor ham it up to eleven? Watch Sir Derek Jacobi on the stage in this episode. Jackson Headley's performances are a masterpiece of deliberately hammy acting filled with overly-dramatic gasps and constant shifting from bellowing to whispering and back again.
When Frasier and Niles realise how terrible Headley is they desperately try to cancel the show but everything they do fails. They call the fire department to get them to shut it down, but he's a fan of Headley's sci-fi show and lets them do the show so long as he can watch. Then the brothers attempt to set the water sprinklers off with a lighter — and nothing happens.
Frasier: My God! This theater really is a death trap!
While Jackson is disappointed that the fire marshal recognizes him from the sci-fi show, the two of them bond over having the same erotic calendar featuring one of the women from the show.
They invite Jackson's father (Patrick Macnee) because Jackson has serious daddy issues, but not only does it not work, he turns out to be a lech and constantly grabs Roz's ass.
Eventually Headley slips on a patch of water and it looks like the show is finally doomed. Frasier goes out on stage to explain to the audience...only for Headley to crawl on stage to deliver his monologue from Hamlet.

813: Sliding Frasiers

In this episode-long parody of Sliding Doors, Frasier's love life undergoes different twists and turns leading up to Valentine's Day (although both end with him single and still looking) depending on whether he decides to wear a suit or a more casual sweater to a speed date (at the time, a new innovation). In the "sweater" path, he has a miserable time at the speed date, which takes a while to register with Martin:
[a sullen Frasier trudges into his apartment, hurling his keys onto the shelf, as Martin watches TV]
Martin: Hey Fras. How'd that speed date thing go?
Frasier: Could not have been worse.
Martin: That's nice.
Frasier: You're not listening, Dad.
Martin: Oh - I'm sorry, son. [he mutes the TV as Frasier hangs up his coat] Well, d'you get any phone numbers?
Frasier: No, but... if I ever wanna track any of them down, I can always write to them, care of... the bottom of the barrel. [rips off his nametag]
Things are going rather better for Niles and Daphne, especially in the "sweater" path. As Frasier is feeling sorry for himself, Daphne arrives with a double armload of grocery bags:
Frasier: [opening the door in response to Daphne knocking] Oh, oh, hi Daphne, here, let me help you with that. [takes two of Daphne's grocery bags]
Daphne: Oh, thank you, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Yes, of course, yes. [looks at the bags] Boy, you're really loading up, aren't you?
Daphne: It's for Niles' Valentine's dinner!
Frasier: Oh, that's not 'til next week!
Daphne: I know, but it's a complicated recipe, I need time to practise. You two are gonna be my guinea pigs! [heads into the kitchen]
Martin: [sotto voce, to Frasier] Maybe we could fake our own deaths.
In the "suit" path, Frasier sprains his arm. When Daphne asks for help with the grocery bags, he demurs because of his arm; Martin quickly adds, "Bullet in the hip!" Frasier then happily announces he attracted a cute klutz.
Frasier: Oh, I met a girl!
Daphne: (disgruntled) Eh, so did she!
- In celebration, he starts dancing in his apartment, while Martin and Daphne are there. The dancing itself must be seen to be believed, but Martin and Daphne can't stand it - they flee to McGinty's.
Later that night, Daphne accidentally sets off one of Niles's many allergies trying to make a romantic meal for him. The result is a screaming row, for a while...
Daphne: Now I'm going to have to spend the whole night rubbing lotion all over you!
(Daphne suddenly stops dead and turns to look at Niles, who has stopped scratching himself)
Niles: I'm sorry I yelled at you.
(the two hurry toward one another and hug)

814: Hungry Heart

Due to anxiety issues leading to overeating (and because actress Jane Leeves was pregnant) Daphne has become very fat, a story arc that culminates in this episode. She falls over and hurts her ankle and it takes the three Crane men (Frasier, Niles and Martin) to lift her off the floor. Martin's innocent delivery of the following line, clearly believing Daphne will find it amusing (she doesn't), is icing on the cake.
Martin: Hey Daphne, I just realized something! It took three Cranes to lift you!

815: Hooping Cranes

An ecstatic Martin comments on Niles making the free throw shot. The delivery is what makes it funny:
Martin: I know I always told you boys that sports aren't important... (breathlessly happy) but they are.
In the B-plot, Roz starts dating a French guy, despite only speaking two words of French (oui and non), and when she wants to break it off with him, asks Frasier for help. What results is Fun with Subtitles and Tactful Translation.^note
Roz: Jean-Pierre, this is Frasier.
Frasier: [shaking hands] Uh, C'est un plaisir de faire votre connaissance. (It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.)
Roz: Now I want to do this gently, so will you tell him that I think he's a really nice guy.
Frasier: Uh-huh. Roz trouve que vous êtes génial. (Roz thinks you're a great guy.)
Jean-Pierre: Elle veut rompre avec moi, n'est-ce pas? (She wants to break up with me, doesn't she?)
(Frasier shrugs and nods.)
Jean-Pierre: Tant mieux! Elle n'est pas mon type. Ça fait quelque tempsque je cherche à m'en débarrasser. (Thank God, she's not my type. I've been looking for a way out for days.)
Roz: What'd he say?
Frasier: Um, he said that he-he's very fond of you too.
Roz: OK, now tell him that these past few weeks... have been really fun.
Frasier: (broadly hinting) You can go faster, Roz.
Roz: Let me do this my way. Tell him!
Frasier: Uh, Voyez... elle a tout arrangé. Si ça ne vous dérange pas de la laisser faire. (Look... she's got all this worked out, if you don't mind indulging her.)
Jean-Pierre: Je comprends. Dites-moi, où peut-on manger un bon bifteck? (I understand. Listen, where's a good place to get a steak?)
[Jean-Pierre tenderly caresses Roz's cheek.]
Frasier: He says, what are you trying to say?
Roz: OK. Tell him, in another time, in another place, we might have a shot, but this just isn't working for me.
Frasier: Les Cinq Couronnes sont excellent pour filet – la carte des vins n'est pas mal non plus. (The Five Crowns has a great filet, and the wine list isn't bad either.) Faire semblant de triste. (OK, look sad.)
Jean-Pierre: (sadly) Est-ce qu'on peut fumer au restaurant? (Can you smoke in there?)
Frasier: Is there any chance you'd reconsider?
Roz: I don't think so.
Frasier: Oh. Vous pouvez fumer dans le patio. (You can smoke on the patio.)
(Everybody gets up.)
Roz: (concerned) Is he OK?
Frasier: (trying not to chuckle) Yes Roz, he'll be fine. But, you know, I think for his sake we should wrap this up.
Roz: (sadly) Jean-Pierre...
Jean-Pierre: (pining) Roz...
(They embrace.)
Jean-Pierre: (over her shoulder, to Frasier) Merci pour le conseil, je meurs de faim! (Thanks for the tip. God, I'm starving!)
Frasier: He says that he'll —
Roz: (near tears) Please, Frasier. Some things don't need to be translated.

816: Docu.Drama

Frasier, ranting about being called overbearing by Roz, gets defensive.
Frasier: I'm just passionate! And right! And passionate about being right!
"I have got to show her once and for all that I am not some meddler and she is only being paranoid! I'll be in my room, plotting some way to prove it."
Niles trying to fly a kite, despite Martin's warnings not to do it on the balcony of Frasier's apartment. Mercifully, he comes out the over end alive. Just. And then he dislodges Martin's satellite dish.
Frasier meets with John Glenn. At the end of the conversation, he makes a quip:
Frasier: What are ya drinking there, Tang?
John Glenn: (checking his watch) Two minutes and twenty seconds. A new record.
John Glenn in the recording studio, while Roz and Frasier are having a discussion. The selectively oblivious astronaut-turned-senator goes on a spiel about his days in the space program giving an increasingly strong implication that he and the other astronauts were told to cover up some of the things they saw up there. As an oblivious Frasier and Roz wrap up their argument Glenn sticks his head in the booth and asks if they were recording him. When Roz confirms it he hurriedly confiscates the tape leaving them none the wiser about his little confession.

817: It Takes Two to Tangle

Trying to distract the wealthy Penelope Janvier's son William, who objects to his mother's philanthropic ways, Niles claims one of her party's servers wants her to fund a play. Soon, he's confronting some waiters about it:
William: All right, listen up! Which one of you snack-jockeys is trying to get a play produced?
[every waiter in the room raises their hands, as do some of the guests]

818: Forgotten but Not Gone

After being re-elected as cork master of the wine club, Niles sarcastically commends Frasier for being a Graceful Loser after demanding 'only'' four recounts. Niles also jokes about hoping he can live up to the example of his predecessor (namely himself).
At the beginning of the episode, Frasier and Niles (but mostly Frasier)'s squabbling over official wine club policy is ruining the fun for everyone.
Club member: I remember when we used to come here to drink...
Frasier's first episode of the Wine Corner, which goes disastrously, even after having to take fifteen minutes of an unhappy Gil's time away from him.
Roz: Did you really mean that?
Frasier: Oh, who cares, Roz, I stopped listening to myself ten minutes ago.
Working at home, Frasier tries asking Martin for advice.
Frasier: Dad, tell me if you think this is too subtle for my listening audience: "This delightful offering is infused with the brooding, almost dangerous presence of vanilla."
Martin: No, it's not too subtle, unless you want them to know what the hell you're talking about.
Frasier: What, you don't think it's clear that I enjoyed the wine?
Martin: I don't think it's clear you're talking about wine.
Soon, the fill-in for Daphne turns up, and it becomes clear she's something of a Drill Sergeant Nasty, dragging Martin off. Screaming is soon heard, while Frasier is aghast to learn Niles has forbidden the wine club from calling Frasier's show.
Frasier: Good lord, the man is my own brother. How can someone turn his back on his own flesh and blood?
(Martin wails in agony from his bedroom)
Frasier: SOMEONE ON THE PHONE HERE!
Frasier storms into the wine club to confront Niles, demanding he be stripped of the title of corkmaster.
Niles: The motion fails for a lack of a second.
Reynolds: Second!
Niles: Stop that!
The surly member mentioned up above chimes in with his own motion: "I move for whatever gets us to the bar!" "Second that!"
After getting booted out, Frasier has to spend his Wednesday evening moping, much to Martin's irritation since while his new therapist is a harsh task-master, she's also a great cook.
Frasier: It's just that I hate to see a once-proud institution making so many foolish mistakes.
Martin: Well, if it makes you feel any better, the club will probably fail without you. (Frasier gets up, looking hopeful) It'll be no fun. All the members will resign. This time next month, they'll probably have torn the building down.
Frasier: ... I never know when you're being facetious.
Martin: Yeah, you do.
Eventually, fed up with it all, Martin storms into the wine club.
Martin: Good god, you wear a sash?!
Niles: Frasier sent you down here, didn't he?
Frasier: (from off-screen) No!
Martin: Frasier, get in here, now.
(Frasier trudges in like a little schoolkid)
Martin then begins to lay down the law.
Martin: Niles, let your brother play.
(Niles is stunned for a moment)
Niles: Dad, this is not a game, it is a club and Frasier broke the rules.
Frasier: Technically, I did -
Martin: ZIP! Well, then you write a new rule so that Frasier can come back.
Fraiser: First, I want an apology-
Martin: I said zip it!
Niles: He did, I heard him.
Martin: Don't get smart. Now, are you gonna let your brother play?
Niles: Dad, I-
Martin: Are you gonna let your brother play?
Niles: Why-
Martin: Are you gonna let your brother play?
Niles: I-
Martin: Are you gonna let your brother play?
Niles: (defeated) Fine.
Martin: Am I gonna have any trouble between you two?
Frasier and Niles: (like kids) No.
Martin: No what?
Frasier and Niles: No, sir.
As soon as Martin finishes forcing his sons to make peace, the other wine club members start teasing Frasier and Niles for getting scolded by their dad.
The following day, the two brothers are less than enthusiastic about going back to club, and decide on starting their own better one:
Frasier: Niles, truth be told, my enthusiasm for the Wine Club has started to turn.
Niles: I know what you mean. It used to be the "Wine Club", but now it's just the "Teasing People Club".

819: Daphne Returns

Roz tells Frasier that she is planning to write a children's book based on a story her mother told her when she was younger and that she is now using to entertain Alice (unaware that the story has already been published). Frasier recalls that he and Niles wrote children's detective stories with themselves as young sleuths when they were younger, "along the lines of a Hardy Boys or a Nancy Drew..."
Roz: "The Nancy Boys"?
After Niles realizes that he's been idealising Daphne too much for too long and needs to come to terms with the fact that she's flawed and human rather than put her on a pedestal, he decides to confront her insecurities head-on and demonstrate to her that he is willing to do this. Unfortunately, he decides to do this by insulting her cooking, much to her annoyance, which leads to an argument where certain other truths are revealed:
Niles: Then I don't know what you want! I can't read minds, you know! And by the way, neither can you.
Daphne: [Offended] Are you saying I'm not psychic?!
Niles: Not if you thought I loved your cooking!
When Niles thinks he and Daphne will have makeup sex:
Daphne: (icily grinning) Well, at least we know who's not psychic.

820: The Wizard and Roz

Frasier, trying to have a conversation with Dr. Tewkesbury after having seen him in Roz's apartment, keeps seeing him in Roz's pink bathrobe.

821: Semi-Decent Proposal

While playing a game of truth, Daphne and Niles reveal two "dark" secrets they've never told anyone. Roz isn't very impressed by either (Niles beat up a kid with rickets, Daphne stole a teddy bear and then returned it), and decides she shouldn't share hers with them. Martin tries to convince her.
Martin: Are you kidding? We can take anything you could dish out! I was in the war, I was a cop, I even worked Vice!
Roz: I don't think so.
Martin: Well, come on, I'll tell you what: whisper it in my ear, and if I think they can handle it I'll tell them.
Roz: Okay.
[Roz leans in and whispers into Martin's ear. After a few seconds his smile vanishes and he looks appalled. He stands up, and without a word starts walking off to his room, stopping only to look back at Roz with horror.]

822: A Passing Fancy

Frasier is tutoring Kirby, which isn't going well. At one point, Frasier tries to sweeten the deal:
Frasier: All right, Kirby, I'm gonna make you an offer. If you will agree to knuckle down and study, I will treat you to a sumptuous dinner at Les Habitants. How does that sound?
Kirby: You and me at a fancy French restaurant?
Frasier: That's right.
Kirby: Kind of gay.
The chain of deals that all comes to a head at the restaurant: Frasier agreed to tutor Kirby in exchange for Lana introducing Frasier to Claire; Kirby promised Frasier to study hard in exchange for going to the prom with Roz; Roz agreed to go to the prom with Kirby in exchange for the day off to get Springsteen tickets. It all comes crashing down when everyone involved shows up at La Cigare Volant. Claire thinks she was being traded like an object, Lana thinks her son is with a prostitute (Roz), Roz is outraged in response. As usual, Frasier has to yell over everyone to explain the truth and calm down the situation.

823: A Day in May

The episode begins with Niles arriving at the apartment to go out with Daphne.
Niles: Can you believe she's never been to the botanical gardens?
Frasier: ... didn't Donny take her to the botanical gardens last year?
Niles: [thin smile] Can you believe she's never been to the botanical gardens?
Frasier gets worried over leaving his car in Roz's care (since he's a fusspot over his car, and Roz is planning on taking Alice out with some of her friends), so he calls up the auto-service, only to learn that even with the platinum membership he still can't get service... unless he joins the even more expensive diamond service.
Niles: [after Frasier's finished his phone call] You're not part of the diamond circle?
Frasier: Don't do that.

824: Cranes Go Caribbean

It seems the weekend getaway to Belize that ultimately turns into a Crane family vacation has an especially powerful effect on Niles - to Frasier's disgust:
Niles: Frasier, this vacation is going to do you good! [pats Frasier's leg] This place is completely freeing. Would you believe that today I dabbled in public nnnnudity? [Frasier looks uneasy] Daphne and I found a secluded cove on the beach. We shed our garments and surrendered ourselves to the sand, the sea, and one rather curious grouper! [grins]
Frasier: Don't you have a diary!?
At dinner, Martin gleefully tells a worried Daphne and Niles that the skipper of his fishing boat has a telephoto lens and posts pictures of nude beachgoers in the bait shop under "Catch of the Day" - unaware that his fellow diners have apparently become that day's "catch". In The Tag, Niles smuggles the picture out of the bait shop in his shirt and shows it to Daphne; the gradual shift in their expressions from shock to self-satisfaction (before they flee the fishing boat skipper, who runs after them with a hammer when he discovers the photo missing) is hilarious.
Frasier loses his cool, complete with a horse-like whinny on the final word of the following line, when he finds out that the seafood restaurant is out of every fish dish on the menu and they offer him steak.
Frasier: There is an ocean full of fresh fish not fifteen feet away, but why not try a slab of artery-clogging, hormone-injected, frozen red meat instead?!?
And once Frasier has stomped off, an outraged Martin asks the waiter why no-one told him they had steak.

Season 9

901: Don Juan in Hell, Part 1

Frasier trying to figure out his feelings re: Claire or Lana, and the montage of him asking everyone, including Martin, Daphne, and a janitor on the plane home. Martin's contribution, supporting Claire, has him pretending to use his lobster-hypnotising power on Frasier.
Frasier: (Beat) ... I am not a lobster!
The others make no secret that they prefer Claire to Lana... except Daphne. Until Frasier dumps her, at which point Claire reveals she wanted to be BFFs with her, cruelly denying Daphne of a potential sister she never had. Back in the apartment Frasier is defending his choice to Martin and appeals to Daphne for support, only for her to kick him in the shins and storm off instead.

902: Don Juan in Hell, Part 2

The entirety of the second half, where Frasier, now agonizing over his decisions, heads out for a drive. He soon gets joined by a hallucination of Lilith, followed shortly after by Diane. And then he starts seeing a hallucination of Nanette when he first met her - a young, Cute, but Cacophonic hippie. Naturally, the three can't stand one another.
Hallucination!Lilith: Amazing that marriage didn't work out.
Hallucination!Diane: [on Nanette] She was probably great in the sack.
Hallucination!Nanette: Actually, I made a lot of distracting noises.
Eventually, Frasier reaches the cabin the Cranes used to go to (as seen in "Momma Mia"), but the trio are still there.
Turns out even a hallucination of Diane still acts like her.
Diane: I left [Frasier] for Sam. (mournfully) I left Sam, too...
Lilith: Diane, we're talking about Frasier. When we're inside your head, we'll talk about you.
[Frasier turns around to see Diane has already painted a watercolor of Sam]
Then the situation gets worse for him, and his attempts at psychoanalysis, when a hallucination of Hester shows up to weigh in.
Frasier: Mother! What are you doing here?
Lilith: You have to ask? You're a Freudian.
Hallucination Hester sums up the three as "the slacker, the barmaid and the icicle".
Meanwhile, Hallucination Diane is still nursing a grudge over Hester holding her at gunpoint in the Cheers episode "Diane Meets Mom".
Hester: Oh, again with the paranoia.
Diane: You had a gun!
The scene as a whole is basically a What Could Have Been if Hester had maintained a recurrent role and went up against all the girls in Frasier's life. Diane and Hester act like Sitcom Arch-Nemesis, both ditching dirt on each other (Hester stating I Warned You about Diane ultimately cheating on Frasier, with Diane angrily pointing out she was unfaithful to Martin, which Hester snaps is none of her business). Lilith mockingly analyses Hester's affect on Frasier as a parent, with Hester making apparent she thinks little of Lilith for what she did to both her children, while arguing with Nanette just devolves into mutual childish name calling ("Hypocrite!" "Whore!"). The only thing all of them agree on is analysing Frasier and vindicating their own importance to him, much to his chagrin.
When the subject of the real Lilith sleeping with Niles comes up, Diane doesn't help matters by approving of it.
Frasier's attempts to flee his own mind turning on him aren't helped when he opens the door to the cabin and sees a veritable horde of all the girlfriends of the week from across the series.
Frasier: It's every woman I've ever dated!^note

903: The First Temptation of Daphne

In the B plot, a particularly noisy cricket invades Frasier's apartment. Martin insists that Eddie, as a terrier, is a born hunter, and sics him on the cricket. Eddie immediately begins chasing his own tail.
Time passes, and Frasier is unable to sleep through the cricket's chirping, leaving him a nervous wreck.
[the cricket chirps; Frasier frantically slaps the kitchen counter with a fly swatter, but to no avail]
Frasier: [slumps, defeated] Damn it!
Martin: [entering and getting a beer from the fridge] Geez, you still at it? Why don't you go to your room, you won't even hear the thing if you close your door!
Frasier: [wild-eyed] Close my door!?... And just concede defeat, I know, here's a better idea, I'll just move out and let him have the run of the place! That's good, I'll have two apartments, one for me, one for my cricket! [Martin gives him a "Stop being ridiculous" look; Frasier calms down] I tried closing my door, and I could still hear it. [the cricket chirps again; Frasier jolts, despair in his voice] Dear god, can't you make him shut up!?
Martin: [heading into the living room] That prayer doesn't get answered around here.
Frasier: [shoots Martin a Death Glare, then follows him and points the fly swatter at him] THIS IS YOOOUR FAULT! You're the one who brought him here!
Martin: [sitting in his chair] What's the big deal?! If you were paying a ton of money to stay in some country inn, you'd be loving the sound of crickets!
Frasier: Yes, well, I love a babbling brook, too, but that doesn't mean I want one surrrging through my condo! [throws the fly swatter onto the dining table and heads for the phone] I'm calling an exterminator.
Martin: [horrified] No, you can't do that, the chemicals are too dangerous for Eddie!
Frasier: [stops in his tracks] All right, fine, you have twenty-four hours to get that intruder out of here, or I'm calling, Eddie or no Eddie! [the cricket chirps again; Frasier slowly turns toward the kitchen, a tortured look in his eye] It taunts me.
Frasier and Martin finally catch the cricket with the aid of a gecko on a dental floss leash, but the two Cranes, high on the thrill of the hunt, reason that crickets only chirp to attract mates, so there must be a second cricket in the apartment, and they must release the gecko again. In The Tag, as Frasier and Martin compete to see who can stuff the most marshmallows in their mouths at once (a Call-Back to the episode's first scene, in which Martin revealed that Duke can fit 27 marshmallows in his mouth), the camera pans to the end of the dental floss leash to reveal that Eddie has eaten the gecko.

906: Room Full of Heroes

The kids in the building are terrified of Frasier, because Martin told them that "Old Man Crane" eats brains. It becomes a Running Gag throughout the episode, and the end of the episode features Frasier appearing to pull Niles' scalp off.
Frasier: (after Daphne informs him about the "Old Man Crane" rumour) Who knows how these things happen?
(cut to outside the apartment where a bunch of kids are playing when Martin and Eddie show up)
Martin: Whoa! Hey, hey, keep it down, will ya?
Kid: We're just playing.
Martin: I know, but... you know how Old Man Crane gets, especially on Halloween, or as he calls it, "harvest time".
(the kids scream and run away in terror)
Every single time Niles imitates Martin, and the two go "HA!" simultaneously.

907: Bla Z Boy

Frasier insists There Are No Coincidences when Martin spills oil on his Berber rug, thinking Martin did it on purpose, whether consciously or subconsciously. Martin's reply is priceless.
Martin: For the last time, this was not malicious, it was an accident!
Frasier: I don't think you know the difference!
Martin: Yes, I do! (points at rug) That was an accident! (angrily squirts oil all over Frasier's shirt and face) THIS IS MALICIOUS!
Frasier accidentally sets fire to the chair while it's perched on the balcony while he's removing the stain from the rug. His attempts to put out the fire lead to the chair toppling off the balcony, leading to this perfectly timed moment:
Daphne: (walking on the sidewalk with Martin) Dr. Crane's moods never last very long. I'm sure we've seen the worst of it.
(The smoking chair CRASHES right in front of the shocked duo.)
Martin rightfully gives Frasier a loud What the Hell, Hero? that Frasier could have killed someone, leading up to this Armor-Piercing Response:
Frasier: It was an accident!
Martin: YOU SAID THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS!
Frasier makes a complete duplicate of Martin's chair, leading to one of the biggest ironies of the show.
Frasier: You can't find that [chair for sale anywhere], Dad — it doesn't exist anymore. Which is why I contacted a master builder, showed him some photographs, and had him duplicate it. As for the material, I tracked down the original manufacturer, and once I got them to admit they made it, I had them reweave it!
Daphne: It must have cost a fortune!
Frasier: Yes — ironically, this is now the most expensive piece of furniture in the entire apartment!

908: The 2000th Show

As a milestone celebration, Frasier manages to get Bill Gates as a special guest. Much to Fras's exasperation, all the calls are people wanting tech advice. And just to rile him up further, Gates steals his catchphrase.
As a celebration, the family prepare to go out for a meal with Frasier, but it's pretty clear how they feel about stoking Frasier's ego.
Daphne: Two thousand shows. That's quite a milestone.
Niles: Certainly is. Can anyone tell me what happened today, I forgot to listen?
Martin: (shrugs) I just listen for five minutes in case he asks me what my favorite part was.
Daphne: I just say the call from Tacoma. There's bound to be a call from Tacoma.
(Frasier enters)
Frasier: (eerily calm) Excuse me, could I see you all in my room for just a jiff?
Martin: But I'm hungrrrry!
Frasier reveals something is amiss (and not, as Niles thinks, that his massive cupboard filled with tapes should've been a sweater cubby): One of his shows is missing, and has been replaced with "The Best of Hall and Oates". Despite everyone's insistence on forgetting it and just going out, Frasier wants to play the role of detective (failing to notice Daphne's blatantly guilty expression).
Frasier: A Hall and Oates tape. That rules you out, dad. And it definitely rules out Niles.
Daphne: (tearfully) Dr. Crane -
Frasier: Or does it?! Perhaps the tape was just a red herring, meant to throw me off the scent. A psychological game. There's only one of you that would combat me on that level.
Daphne: I did it!
Frasier: Ah-ha!
Niles: (rolling his eyes) You can't say "ah-ha". You thought it was me.
At Niles' suggestion, Frasier goes down to K-ACL's records department to find an old recording of the lost show. Predictably, the records department is now run by Bulldog, and all Roz can find is a single box with a few shows in it. As he sends Roz off to look for the others, Kenny enters.
Frasier: Kenny, just the man I was looking for. Listen, where are all the tapes of my shows kept?
(Kenny lifts up the lid of the box Frasier's holding)
Kenny: You got 'em, right there.
Kenny points out that they can't afford to keep the old shows, thanks to the need to conserve space. Except...
Bulldog: Hey, Kenny, where do you want me to put these snow tires?
Kenny: Oh, put 'em right next to my kids' bikes.
Frasier appeals to his listeners to try and gain a recording of his missing show. Instead, he gets viewers calling in with their own appeals for missing jewelery or pets.
Frasier: Let's recap: Uh, in the last three hours, we have located a missing engagement ring, one lost cuff link, two missing cats, and we've actually reunited Eric from Belltown with his biological parents. Still, sadly, no sign of my missing tape.
Frasier insists to Roz he won't let this consume him. Cut to Frasier, totally consumed by it for weeks. Daphne starts feeling guilty. Martin... not so much.
Daphne: I ruined his treasured collection.
Martin: Oh, all his crap is treasured. (looks about conspiratorially) But, look, don't feel bad. I've broken lots of his stuff.
Daphne: I've never heard of you breaking anything.
Martin: Well, that's because I know how to cover my tracks. Take a look at that fertility god statue over there. It used to be a lot more fertile if you know what I mean.
(Daphne examines said fertility god statue up close)
Daphne: Oh, my god! This is a Tootsie Roll!
(Martin makes shushing gestures)
Daphne: That's brilliant!
Martin: That's nothing. Here, check out this vase. Two years ago, Eddie and I were horsing around. I knocked it over. Took me hours to glue it back together again.
Daphne: Why, you can't even tell. I had no idea you were so devious.
Martin: (laughs) C'mon, I'll show you how to make ginger ale look like fifty year old brandy.
- The Tag features a beautiful payoff to Martin's smug cockiness when Frasier, pottering around his stuff, finally discovers his fertility statue's "fertility issues"... just as Martin happens to be entering the room behind him. The Oh, Crap! look of horror on Martin's face as he turns around and stumbles out before Frasier can spot him is priceless.
Come the end of the episode, after meeting with a serious Loony Fan, Frasier has come to the conclusion he can't let obsession rule his life... then he spots something.
Frasier: Hello... something's amiss. (gasps, and hurries over to the shelves) My double-handled amphora! Alright, no-one leaves!
(he turns around, to see Niles, Martin and Daphne have all disappeared)

910: Junior Agent

Frasier, feeling Bebe is dumping him for the newest hot commodity and pawning him off on a ditzy underling, gives a tender speech about how this means they must part ways, concluding with:
Frasier: Bebe, through our relationship, I have put up with a lot. But I have never doubted, for an instant, your devotion to my career. Apparently, that is at an end. And so, therefore, is my association with this agency. And screw, may I add, YOU!
Then it turns out that underneath that ditziness, Bebe's choice of underling is almost as much of a shark as she is, and she successfully talks Kenny into listening to her. By stealing his pants.
Meanwhile, in the B-plot, Martin's running low on cholesterol pills, and rather than just go to the doctor asks Niles if he can't just write him a prescription, but Niles refuses because he isn't familiar with Marty's medical history. And then comes another Moon Story...
Niles: Why do you hate going to the doctors so much?
Martin: Everybody does.
Daphne: Not my brother Billy. He loved going to the doctor's. From the time he was a little boy, he'd start getting undressed in the car.
(Martin rolls his eyes)
Daphne: And mind you, that was just for the dentist. As he got older, he volunteered for medical studies. Supported himself getting all sorts of experimental drugs pumped into him. (leaves the room)
Martin: Think she's finished?
Niles: Wait for it.
(Daphne returns)
Daphne: One year, he grew little boobies.
(Martin throws down his fork in disgust)
Martin remains insistent on the matter, though.
Daphne: Here's a thought: Niles, you're a doctor. Why don't you give your father a full medical examination?That way, you'll both be satisfied.
(Niles and Martin look completely grossed out)
Martin: Can you pick me up at one?
Niles: Yeah.
This culminates with Niles being pulled over by a cop, having apparently run a light. Martin agrees to get the cop off his back in exchange for Niles writing him a prescription. Once the cop is gone, Martin starts chortling.
Martin: I got news for you: You didn't make an illegal left turn. That's a buddy of mine. I set the whole thing up to get you to write me my prescription. (chortles)
Niles: I got news for you: I just drew you a picture of a dog.
(Martin checks the piece of paper in his pocket, and looks at Niles in outrage)
Niles: Ruff.

911: Bully for Martin

As Frasier rants about how Martin's new boss is treating him, he reveals something interesting about Niles.
Frasier: This is a man who served his country in Korea, who had a distinguished career as a detective, and yet he is being treated the way you would treat a-a grocery-store bag boy.
Niles: What does that mean?!
Frasier: Oh, don't play coy with me just because Daphne's here. I have seen you when your avocados are packed under your ice cream.
Niles: Excuse me, that young man was on drugs and everyone in the store knew it.
Martin returns home, but tries ignoring Frasier's attempts to address the problem.
Martin: We're men. We know how to gut these things out. We don't whine and cry about it, you know that.
Daphne: HA!
(the Cranes stare at her)
Daphne: How... true.
An infatuated Roz turning everything around to her relationship with Roger, so that even the most artsy thing Niles can think of won't stop her. It gets to the point where he's totally willing to abandon Daphne rather than stay.
Niles: (to Frasier, who's just sat down) Forget your coffee, let's get out of here.
Frasier: What? And leave Daphne?
Niles: (shakes head) It's too late for her, we have to keep moving.
Martin soon enters Nervosa, having been picked to work yet more late nights thanks to Frasier's meddling, but leaves again to take a nap rather than let Fras give him advice.
Frasier: I guess I've got only one option.
Niles: Tell dad the truth?
Frasier: Alright, two options.
Frasier's plan is to go talk to Martin's boss, which Niles is unwilling to help with... until Daphne comes over to say Roz is joining their shopping plans.
Seeing how aggressive Rich is, Frasier and Niles hesitate on confronting him, hiding when Martin shows up in a nearby closet. They're unaware the closet has a camera in it, and Martin knows full well they're there. While stuck in the closet, Niles starts poking holes in why Frasier's so afraid of being seen by Martin.
Niles: You're a grown man, and you're still scared of him.
Frasier: You're a grown man, you're still scared of him too.
Niles: Yeah, well, at least I have a girlfriend.
Frasier: Shut up.

912: Mother Load, Part 1

During Frasier's feud with Cam Winston, one of his victories is getting Cam restricted from parking his SUV in the parking garage by arguing it pollutes.
Cam: Oh, get off your high horse. You do your fair share of polluting with that substitute for masculinity you're driving.
Frasier: If mine's a substitute for masculinity then what is yours?
Cam: Bigger.
(Martin laughs.)
Frasier: That's not funny!
Frasier tries to get Daphne's mother and brother out of the apartment by praising the wonders of America with an inspirational speech (while in a feud with the apartment above):
Frasier: This land is rich with snow-covered mountains, sun-kissed beaches, wild untamed rivers, and a warm loving people ready to embrace you. Immerse yourself in the spectacle and the grandeur that are these United States — this America!
(An enormous American flag unrolls over the windows directly behind him)
Niles: ...How did you do that?
Followed by Frasier's epic "CAM WINSTOOON!"

913: Mother Load, Part 2

Frasier's attempts to convince the condo board to remove the flag don't go well, thanks to Cam Winston and the post 9/11 Patriotic Fervor.

914: Juvenilia

Frasier, with a little help from Kirby of all people, managing to eviscerate the smug little twerps of Teen Scene after they've spent the entire time tearing him a new one.
Frasier: Yes, Ryan. (leafing through the notebook) Or as the boys on the swim team call you...
Ryan: (interrupting) So, do you have any good advice for kids that want to go to college?
(Frasier's smug grin says it all.)

915: The Proposal

There's an absolutely hysterical Funny Background Event at the end of the episode. Daphne has just accepted Niles' proposal after Frasier has surreptitiously ushered out the musicians, waiters and angels who he and Niles had hired to make it memorable. A man with a trumpet walks out of the bedroom upstairs, about to play a fanfare as Daphne and Niles embrace... And Frasier tackles him back into the room.

916: Wheels of Fortune

Frasier's horror after seeing Blaine, Lilith's scamming half-brother, has placed a local call.
Frasier: The Beast is among us!
This part is pretty self-explanatory:
Blaine: Now now, he has every right to be up here. He is one of God's creatures.
Frasier (defensively): I am no such thing!

917: Three Blind Dates

Niles discovers that Frasier is claiming to be younger than him in his official biography.
Roz sets Frasier up with her friend Susanna, who reminds Roz that she's always complaining Fraiser is a tight-ass. Roz claims that Susanna misheard and she was bragging about Frasier's tight ass. The date ends in disaster due to Frasier liking Benjamin Locklear, an artist who ripped off Susanna's style. She storms out of the apartment after telling Frasier that Locklear is as overrated as his ass.
Before things go bad, Roz tries to build up Susanna for Frasier by emphasizing all of her accomplishments, causing Susanna to quip "In my spare time, I use my power of invisibility to fight crime."
As Susanna and Frasier hurl insults at each other, one of Susanna's is "Man who uses the word 'duvet!'"
When Niles reminds Daphne that Frasier says he's happy, she has this rebuke.
Daphne: Isn't that what you would have said too before your brother helped bring us together?
Niles: That's my point exactly, let's start calling babes!

918: War of the Words

At the very end, when Niles has tried to defuse the conflict between Freddie and his Spelling Bee rival over who really won:
Niles: People, stop, please! Look at yourselves. This is wrong. What are words, after all, but a way to communicate, to bring us together? But you, you're using them as weapons! Now, we still have an opportunity to walk away from here as winners, and wouldn't that be the greatest Spell-abration of all?
Frasier: He's right, son. Let's go home.
[Frasier and Freddie turn and head for the door with Niles.]
Rival Father: [Snidely] Yeah, we're all winners. Except for the two cheaters!
[The Crane boys stop, then collect themselves and continue.]
Rival Son: Hey, you know how to spell "loser"? C-R-A-N-E.
[Again, the Cranes halt a moment, then keep going, determined to be the bigger men]
Rival Father: You don't have to worry about ever seeing him again, son. Chances are, he'll end up in a state school.
[That does it. Freddie, Frasier and Niles whirl around simultaneously, equal and identical expressions of rage on their faces.]
Niles: How DARE you?! [to Freddie] Can you take him?
Freddie: Yeah!
Niles: Then SPELL HIS ASS OFF!!!
The entire episode plays up "The Bee" for maximum melodrama as though it's a Samurai Code or something. Especially the "legend" of Niles Crane.
Martin: Choked... or was it an elaborate conspiracy?
Freddie: What?
Martin: (looking over the back of his chair) Oh, thought I heard him coming. Nah, he choked.

919: Deathtrap

Frasier and Niles stumble upon a disembodied skull. Their dramatic reactions are definitely something to behold—and the camera work brings it up to eleven. The funniest part is that the audience already knows it's a fake skull from a previous scene in Flashback showing young Frasier and Niles talking about getting it for their play, then losing it.
Niles: So...perhaps the poor fellow...met his end in some—some sort of...violent accident!
Frasier: Violent, yes... (looks up at Niles)...but an accident...?
Niles: (MAJOR pull to close-up; long pause; eyes bulge) MURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDER!!!
Frasier: MURDERRRRRRRRRRRRRR MOST FOUUUUUUUUUUUUUL!!!

921: Cheerful Goodbyes

As the episode opens, Frasier re-assures Jeremy, a teenage caller, that problems that seem big now may have a positive impact on who he is in later life, and cites a young man he knew who wet the bed until he was 12, "Or was it 13? Boy, you'd think I'd remember, I slept in the lower bunk," for whom the experience allowed him to develop the empathy that is critical to his professional work as a psychiatrist. The now grown young man doesn't take this revelation lightly when he joins Frasier on a trip to a conference in Boston:
Frasier: [as he, Niles, Daphne, and Martin head through the arrivals area at Logan Airport] Oh, I love returning to Boston, there's just something in the air!
Niles: [every word dripping with Tranquil Fury] Perhaps the toxic gas spewing from your gigantic mouth.
Frasier: [fishes his checked bag tag out of his carry-on bag] Oh, Niles, will you just let it go? I didn't mention your name.
Niles: Oh, no, you just said it was someone with whom you shared a bunk bed who is now a psychiatrist. I'd say that narrows the field down to, [pretends to think] hmm - me.
Frasier: But only to someone who knows you're my brother! And who would that be?
Niles: My patients!
Martin: The guys at work.
Daphne: One of the flight attendants.
Niles: [looks at Daphne, then rolls his eyes] Oh, so that's why she looked at me that way when I told her I spilled my drink.
Phil (played by Phil Perlman, Rhea's father) stands up to offer a toast.
Phil: I just wanna thank you Cliff, for all the great times we had at Cheers.
Cliff: You were always there for me, Al.
Phil: I'm Phil. Al's been dead for fourteen years, ya dumb son of a bitch!^note
Frasier, Daphne, and Martin are all enjoying themselves at Cliff's farewell party - Frasier because of the attention he is receiving as a minor celebrity, Daphne because she actually believes Cliff's nonsensical "fascinating facts", and Martin because he has found a kindred soul in Norm. Niles, however...
Carla: Hey! White bread! [sits in one of the empty seats at Niles' table] What could possibly be wrong on this most wonderful of nights?
Niles: Oh, uh... no offence, it's just that we had reservations at one of the finest restaurants in Boston, and instead we're eating trail mix and drinking this... [reads the label on the bottle in the middle of the table; horrified] Oh dear God, it's just labelled "Wine"!
Carla: [grins and taps Norm, who is sitting behind her] Hey Norm, doesn't he remind you of Frasier? [leans toward Niles] Say "indubitably".
Niles: [put upon] Must I?
Norm: [as he and Carla laugh] It's uncanny!
- Niles perks up after Carla starts in on the ways the other patrons used to prank Frasier. He immediately demands more stories to use in his toast as revenge for the bedwetting story.
  Carla: Hey, remember that time you guys took Frasier on a Snipe Hunt?
  Norm: Yeah.
  Niles: What's a snipe hunt?
  Carla: That's when you take some unsuspecting dope out to bag snipe, which don't exist, and then you ditch 'em in the woods.
  Niles: That must have been completely humiliating for Frasier.
  Carla: Well, that's the point!
  Niles: Well, do you have any more of these stories?
  Carla: Only about a million.
  Niles: Ohhh, I don't have time for a million, just tell me the hundred worst!
Carla's epic put down of Cliff, in which she vents about the last 20 years of knowing him.
Carla: I sure do. Cliffy, I know that things haven't always been that great between us over the years, but being here tonight, makes me think about the effect that you've had on my life. I'd like to say that I'll miss you... I'd like to say that I'll miss you...
Frasier: It's okay, Carla.
Carla: I'd like to say that I'll miss you... but it sticks in my throat like your rotten deviled eggs! (increasingly loud and angry) I hate your guts! The way you talk and talk and talk about nothing! The way you walk, your stupid white socks...
Frasier: Carla!
Carla: (to Frasier) Back off, I'm toasting! (to Cliff) The twenty years I've known you would have been less painful if I was covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with, with a bunch of diseased rats. But finally, you're leaving! I know I'm not as young as I used to be, but I can live again. I can live again! Finally, I can live! I can live!
And even funnier: Cliff then decides that he can't leave friends who can joke around like that.
Carla: I wasn't joking! I really hate you! No! No! No!
At which point Carla goes berserk, and it takes several guys to restrain her as she tries attacking Cliff with a harpoon.

922: Frasier Has Spokane

The KQZY station manager tries to distract the press during a disastrous press conference announcing Frasier's replacing of a Spokane radio legend.
Herm Evans: Hey, what's this over here? Free liquor?!?
Sadly, things don't go well when said radio legend passes by while cleaning out his stuff. It ends with Frasier walking over to Kenny and gesturing for a shot of liquor himself, while Kenny just swigs straight from the bottle.

923: The Guilt Trippers

Niles trying to talk to Mr. Moon to go talk to Gertrude. The minute he mentions this, the entire bar falls silent.
- Also Niles' line when he asks the bartender about him:
  Have you heard of a man named Harry Moon? And no, that is not the start of a limerick.
After Frasier and Roz sleep together, she rushes out of the apartment in the morning, managing not to be seen by Martin. However...
Martin: You see the paper yet?
Frasier: Uh, no, I haven't.
Martin: (a bit smugly) Big story about how Roz's purse spent the night on the coffee table.
Frasier freaks out over the notion he's probably ruined his and Roz's friendship. Martin points out another reason to be horrified; she's now seen him naked.
Martin tries smugly pointing out to Niles that Gertrude is faking her injury to stick around and mooch off him and Daphne. Niles points out they know. "She switches legs."

924: Moons Over Seattle

Niles still having no luck convincing Mr. Moon to go to America nearly gets tossed out of his bar... until he offers to buy everyone a drink.
It seems Martin's job as a security guard has hit a bump in the road:
Frasier: Hey Dad, how was work?
Martin: Oh, great. I finally busted that guy who was writing "Seymour Butz" on the sign-out sheets.
Frasier: So who was it?
Martin: Senior Vice-President Butz. I'm on probation for a week.
Harry meeting Martin, who awkwardly tries to claim Gertrude, in all defiance of the evidence, is likable.
Harry: I see what's going on here.
Niles: What?
Harry: The dog, the cane... he's lost his vision, hasn't he?
Niles telling Daphne, fresh from spending time in Hawaii with Gertude that he has a surprise.
Daphne: I hope it's not another trip or I might just have to kill you in your sleep.
Gertrude and and Harry reunite, and within a moment are screaming at one another. Getrude storms out, only stopping to tell Niles one thing:
Gertrude: (sincerely) Thank you, Niles, that was a nice surprise.
Harry: You're right. She has mellowed.
Going over their bout of coitus, because Frasier can't let it sit, Roz admits she at least was partially distracted by... other matters.
Roz: It was tough to concentrate with the TV blaring away in your dad's bedroom.
Frasier: ... I didn't hear that.
Roz: Don't you remember? Sting was on Letterman. He was talking about the rain forest and the plight of the Yanomama Indians. It was really sad. (Frasier looks disgruntled) I mean, the whole Orinoco River Valley is being forested into extinction.
Frasier: Well. I'm glad my woefully inadequate performance didn't distract you from your ecology lesson.
Thanks to Martin's chat with Harry, he's convinced Martin has a crush on Daphne's mom. Martin is about as thrilled with this as you can imagine.
Martin: Great, I cheated death in Korea for this.
When an angry Daphne returns while Niles and Harry are still there, Frasier ducks out by showing Martin how to use the closed captions on his TV.

Season 10

1001: The Ring Cycle

As the episode opens, Niles and Daphne have eloped to a casino chapel in Reno. As Niles is looking over the selection of rings (having accidentally left the ones they planned to use back in Seattle), Daphne's mobile rings; it's Roz, whose building is on the news ("some murder/suicide thing"). Roz tells Daphne to turn on the television so she can see her waving, so Daphne has to explain that she isn't in Seattle because she's marrying Niles in Reno. Cue the two of them Squeeing ecstatically while Niles' credit card is run by the wedding officiant:
Niles: [signing his credit card receipt] Apparently it's some sort of dolphin emergency.
Martin mentions that he made his own lunch, and Frasier briefly assumes that Martin created some vile culinary concoction before finding out that Martin just packed a bunch of snacks. He's still miffed, though.
Frasier: Two bags of chips, three puddin' cups, and a root beer.
Martin: What's wrong with that?
Frasier: A, this is not a lunch, and B, I fail to see how it took you so long since you did not make anything but simply transferred smaller containers into a larger one!
When Niles and Daphne are holding a fake wedding after they eloped, Roz has the unfortunate task of driving Daphne's mother. Fortunately, she gets taken down. By Alice Doyle of all people.
Gertrude: In my day we never drove so recklessly, and do you know why?
Alice: (completely sincerely) Is it because you used to ride dinosaurs?
(everyone stares at Alice in shock)
Gertrude: (to Roz) You should talk to your daughter. (walks off)
Roz: (to Alice, beaming) When we get home you're getting ice cream.
The group's hilariously awkward behavior when they spot Donny at the courthouse, from Frasier's panicked order for everyone to look at their shoes to his excuse for everyone but Daphne and Niles to leave the conversation.
Frasier: [excitedly] Say, is that a drinking fountain over there!?
Martin: [just as excitedly] It sure looks like one! [he, Frasier, Roz, and Gertrude race toward said drinking fountain]

1002: Enemy at the Gate

After a mishap concerning getting out of paying for a parking garage he didn't use, Frasier rushes back to KACL in time to finish his show. Unfortunately, Roz, in her attempts to fill in for him, unintentionally told everyone that she slept with Frasier. When asked about what happened during "the incident", an unknowing Frasier describes the parking garage incident instead.
Frasier: Well, it certainly wasn't my finest hour. I got in, realized I made a mistake and then tried like hell to get out. There was a lot of shouting and then a line started to form behind me. You'd be surprised how long 20 minutes can be when you're watching the clock. Fortunately, my brother was there to serve as moral support, and, let's face it, someone to talk to. At least, in the end, I got out of there without paying the four dollars.
Roz: (silently puts her head to the table in embarrassment)

1003: Proxy Prexy

Frasier getting wound up by Martin striking out on his own as condo president.
Frasier: I'm going to expose him for the power-mad maniac he is! (with manic glee) Then I'll take over!
Roz mistaking Niles's offer of fruit salad for an invitation to a threesome leads to him and Daphne teasing her throughout the whole episode. It ends with Roz blowing up at them in Café Nervosa after one joke too many.
Daphne: I think we went a little too far.
Niles: Not as far as she wanted to go. (both start laughing)
- They get their comeuppance immediately after when a self-described nontraditional sex enthusiast makes a genuine offer.

1004: Kissing Cousin

Martin manages to mix Lazy Bum and Manipulative Bastard into one package. With Daphne gone, Frasier and Martin have agreed to share clean-up responsibilities, but Martin isn't doing his fair share. When Frasier insists he tidy up the tabletops, he simply piles up the plates lying around and dumps them on the floor, which is Frasier's responsibility.
Frasier: All right. What's it going to take for you to start doing your share of the work around here?
Martin: (thinks about it) Trade me... floors for garbage.
Frasier: You'll really take care of all the floors if I handle the garbage?
Martin: That's right.
(doorbell rings)
Frasier: (suspicious) Okay... okay, you've got a deal, mister.
(he opens the door to Daphne)
Frasier: Hi, Daph.
Daphne: Hello. Why is all your garbage stacked up in the hallway?
(Frasier jolts and examines the hallway)
Martin: (innocently) That's right. Why is that, Frasier?
Frasier: Your game is deep.
Daphne: My, things are a bit untidy around here, aren't they? Maybe I'll just clean up these dishes before we get started.
Frasier: (panicking) Daphne, you don't have to do that.
Martin: (innocently) That's true, you're not our slave anymore.
Daphne: I'm not gonna do all of it, just the table tops.
Martin: (smugly) Oh, that's sweet of you.
(Frasier glowers furiously at Martin)
Martin: (to Frasier) Burn.
And later, Niles comes around to find Daphne doing the housework.
Niles: What's going on?
Frasier: Uh-oh.
Martin: (quietly) Steady.
Daphne: Your father and brother needed a little help. The oven's all clean. I just have a bit of ironing left. I won't be a minute. And don't forget, I've drawn baths for both of you.
Martin: Oh, Daphne, no! You don't have to do that.
Frasier: (simultaneously) That won't be necessary!
(Niles stares disapprovingly at them, neither looking him in the eye)
Niles: Are you... proud of yourselves?
Frasier: We didn't ask her to do anything.
Martin: She offered!
Niles: Then why is no-one looking me in the eye?
Frasier: I'm sorry, Niles, we took advantage.
Martin: We're way out of line, it won't happen again. (dumps a bowl on the floor)
Niles: What are you doing?
Martin: What?
Niles: Are you gonna leave that there?
Martin: I'll clean it later.
Niles: Well, that's the whole problem. If you would just clean as you go, things wouldn't pile up. You wouldn't need Daphne's help.
Martin: (long-suffering) I guess.
Niles: No, it's true. Look, (picks up another bowl just lying around) Look how easy it is. See? Small, consistent efforts, that's all it takes. (Martin gives Frasier a look) Just like managing one's cuticles. (now in the kitchen) You know, there's a bowl of potato salad lying out completely uncovered!
Martin: It's getting tangy!
Niles: Well, the plastic wrap is right here.
Frasier: (guilty) We really should help him.
Martin: Are you nuts?! (conspiratorially) He's about to make us dinner.
Unwisely, Frasier accepts Martin's bet that if they don't, Martin will do all the chores. If they do, Frasier will.
Martin: Hey, guys, are you sure you don't want to stick around? I was just going to open a can of spaghetti. (smiles sweetly)
Niles: But, you have sea bass in the fridge.
Martin: (airily) Oh, it'll probably last another day.
Niles: Oh, I think you should cook it tonight.
Martin: (airily) Fine. I'll nuke it with some ketchup. (Frasier throws him a look.)
Niles: That's ridiculous. You can't use your turkey recipe on fish.
Martin: (airily) Well, what am I supposed to do?
Niles: Well, just take one clove of garlic, uh, two tablespoons of freshly minced fresh ginger... (notices Martin looking utterly confused) Oh, for heaven's sake, I'll do it myself.
Daphne: I suppose I'll lay the table.
Martin: No, no Daphne. You've done enough for today. That's Frasier's job. (Gives Frasier a look that screams, "Burn!")
Elsewhere, Roz's obnoxious cousin comes to visit, and Frasier can't stand her. After a few days, she brings Frasier a bust of Freud... not because she actually likes him, but because she feels he's outdated. She hits Frasier's Berserk Button when she asks him (a Freudian psychiatrist) if he ever read any of his books ("either" of them, as she puts it).
Jen: Uh-oh, here comes the lecture.
Frasier: Yes, for once you are right, for a disquisition is indeed at hand. And may I suggest you roll your eyes back into the forward position, as I may actually employ some visual aids. Now, our story begins with a young Greek woman by the name Clytemnestra...
- A short time later, Frasier in on air, ranting angrily about Freud's influence.
  Frasier: (pontificating) When Freud's genius has obviously influenced every psychiatrist on the planet...!
As the second act begins, Frasier and Niles are at Nervosa when they spot Roz with Jen, Frasier already having taken a dislike to the young hipster.
Frasier: Yesterday she said my show was bourgeois. I pointed out that anything that had mass appeal could be called bourgeois. She then said my argument was bourgeois, which I found to be jejune.
Later, Jen visits Roz and Frasier at KACL, Frasier having recommended she visit an art gallery. She hasn't taken.
Jen: I know you're into that stuff, so I don't want to put it down, but it was like everything in there was trying to make us feel better about our corrupt, imperialistic, phallocratic heritage.
Frasier: ... they're landscapes.

1005: Tales from the Crypt

Bulldog's initial prank on Frasier, getting a busted up BMW and making it look like Frasier's. Frasier insists he wasn't fooled, but Bulldog's follow-up says otherwise.
Frasier: Today we will be discussing the topic of fears. Are they irrational hindrances or... evolutionary tools? Hmm... The surprising answer, after these words.
(he presses the ad button)
Recording of Frasier: (wailing) My car! Oh, not my car! What did they do to you!? Oh, my baby!
(Frasier glowers at Roz, who holds her hands up as if to say "I had nothing to do with this!" as Frasier hammers the Stop button. Bulldog walks into the booth, holding a hand up for a high five)
Bulldog: Whenever you're ready.
Frasier's idea of pranking Bulldog back, in all its Poke the Poodle glory: Namely, every time the Seattle Seahawks lose a game, Frasier will tie a red balloon to Bulldog's car (in the hopes of associating red balloons with misery). But the crowning part is Frasier drawing up sketches of the car, the balloon, and a crying Bulldog, just to show to Roz.
The rehearsal for the "zombie" prank (especially Martin's sarcastic acting)—and the grand finale.
Frasier: (To one of the "zombie" actors) Todd, I am getting "dead" from you.... but I am not getting "undead".
Todd: (exasperated) Still?
Frasier: Let's try this then. After rehearsal, I want each of you to write a paragraph detailing who your character was when he or she was alive, how they died, and why they're now after Bulldog's brain.
Frasier, in full Prima Donna Director mode, scolding Roz for hiring the teenagers she has.
Frasier: Honestly, Roz, you know, you haven't given me much to work with here. These are the worst actors I've ever seen.
Roz: Well, I'm sorry, but the Royal Zombie Company just left town with its all-zombie production of Hamlet.
Martin's own objections to Frasier's fussiness.
Martin: This is supposed to be fun, like a day at the beach! Oh, you do this kind of thing all the time.
Frasier: Like when?
Martin: Well, the last time we went to the beach!
Frasier: (defensively) ... a lot of people bring rakes!
Roz and Martin's objections to Frasier's prank:
Roz: Everything's gonna go wrong! For one thing, Bulldog's gonna know something's up, 'cause Kenny hardly ever makes him work at night! And then look at all these cameras and all these wires, I mean, what if he spots these?
Martin: And the zombies, as soon as he sees them he's gonna know it's a prank, 'cause he just pranked you! AND THERE'S NO SUCH THINGS AS ZOMBIES!
Later on, it looks like the prank has worked too well, when it's sprung on Bulldog and he draws a gun, sending Frasier into a panic... only for it to turn out Bulldog knew it was a prank and was faking, and Roz and Martin were in on it. Then one of the actors reveals he's got scissors stuck in his back. Roz and Martin panic, as Frasier calls the emergency services... and it turns out he and Bulldog have counter-pranked them.
Frasier: Quiet! Quiet, everybody! [into phone] Hello? Yes, I'd like to report... the greatest practical joke ever! You'd better send a fire truck, because you guys just got burned! [he and Bulldog laugh uproariously]
Frasier still gets the last laugh, having managed to put a sticker saying "I like opera and I vote" on Bulldog's jacket, with Bulldog none the wiser.

1006: Star Mitzvah

This exchange showing off how fandoms can cross lines.
Frasier: Noel, Star Trek is just a TV show.
Noel: (retorting) So was Brideshead Revisited!
Frasier: (through gritted teeth) You're angry, so I'm going to ignore that.
Frasier asks Noel Shempski to translate his blessing for Freddie's bar mitzvah into Hebrew, and promises to get Scott Bakula's autograph in return. When he fails to do so, Noel gets revenge by translating the blessing into Klingon instead. Bonus points for the nerdy kid translating it to invoke "it sounds better In the Original Klingon" trope verbatim.
As part of the celebration, Martin digs out an old camera. Frasier and Niles hate it because it's loud, clunky, and the flash is blinding. Martin enjoys torturing the boys with the camera flash, but has only one problem with it:
Martin: Hasn't failed me yet! Oh, well except for that one Thanksgiving when the flash washed Lilith out so bad all you could see were her hair and eyes.
Frasier: That wasn't the camera's fault, Dad. That bloodless skin has confounded even the most experienced photographer.
Later, Martin has the camera set up on a tripod, while Daphne learns for the first time of Niles' drunken one-night stand with Lilith as seen in "Room Service" and asks if there are any other ex-girlfriends he hasn't told her about. To Niles' horror and Daphne's outrage, Frasier carelessly mentions another woman that he claims he "wouldn't count", and as the conversation turns ever more awkward, he casually makes his way over to the camera, trips it, and uses the distraction by the flash to make his escape. The loudest one to cry out from the flash? Martin.
Frasier apologizes to Noel by sending him Joan Collins' wig from "The City on the Edge of Forever". Noel has a Nerdgasm ("I bet it still has some of her DNA on it!"), but Roz doesn't get it, saying, "A wig? That's cruel, even for Frasier!"
After Frasier and Lilith embarrass themselves (Lilith by bursting into tears and asking Freddie not grow up), the Rabbi comes up to them after the ceremony and tells them they must be very proud...of Freddie, not themselves.
In The Tag, we see the pictures from Martin's camera, post-development. The first few are re-creations of the pictures Martin (and Frasier) took over the course of the episode, but the last two are of Frasier lunging toward the camera, berserk with fury, implying that Martin was trying to fend Frasier off by blinding him with the flash.

1007: Bristle While You Work

Frasier is interviewing for a new housekeeper now that Daphne is moved out. A Running Gag is how he tells the prospective employees something and then finishes the sentence negatively after they leave:
Frasier: Thank you for coming, Mrs. Wilkins. Of course, we have several other of candidates to interview, but we'll be sure to let you know by the twelfth... (closes door) Of never!
[later, after Trish's interview]
Frasier: I'll be sure to call you the 2nd... (closes door) I lose my mind!
- Martin does it himself towards the end of the episode when they fire Trish:
  Trish: Okay, but you still owe me for the days I was supposed to be here last week.
  Martin: Sure, sure. And there'll be a check in the mail sometime after the 1st... (closes door) ... Asteroid hits Earth!
- Martin reveals to Daphne that Frasier was unsure of hiring Daphne at first because he thought she'd steal. Naturally, she's offended.
  Daphne: Did I look like a thief? Was it me shifty eyes?
The conversation on how difficult it is to clean Frasier's apartment has Daphne reveal she's been rotating out Martin's old underpants, something he'd hitherto never noticed.
Daphne: Didn't you ever wonder why in ten years you never needed new underpants?
Martin: ... I thought I had a good batch.
Because of Trish's staggering laziness, Martin has to resort to cleaning the apartment (partly because he recommended Trish and doesn't want Frasier to know). What follows is Frasier critizing "Trish"'s cleaning methods, while being as fussy and demanding as ever.
Frasier: Oh, and could you speak to [Trish] about flipping over my mattress?
Martin: What are you tryin' to do, kill her?

1008: Rooms with a View

Though this episode is one of the series' most downbeat as Niles goes in for open heart surgery, it still finds time for humour, starting with Niles reading cards from well-wishers.
Niles: [to Daphne] Oh, this one's from your mom! [opens the envelope and shows Daphne the picture] Kitten in a basket of yarn. [reads] "Dear Niles, I know we haven't always gotten along..." [scans the rest of the card, turns it over, and looks in the envelope, but apparently that's it] Isn't that sweet.
Frasier is especially put out that Niles has received a bouquet of chrysanthemums from Jaime, their squash valet, as when he had the 'flu, he didn't get so much as a card.
Niles: You didn't have the 'flu, you barely had the sniffles!
Frasier: I almost threw up! Who knows, mums might have been just the thing to cheer me up! Guess we'll never know now, will we?
Roz: I'm so sorry you have to go through all this, Niles.
Niles: Oh, I'm pretty used to him by now.
(Roz laughs)
The anaesthetist offers Niles a mild sedative before he goes into the operating room; he declines, but then the phone in his room rings, and the ensuing conversation makes him change his mind very quickly:
Daphne: [into phone] Hello?... Can I ask who's calling?... Just a minute, please. [covers the mouthpiece, whispering] It's Maris, d'you want me to make up an excuse?
Niles: Uh - no, that's okay, I'll talk to her. [Daphne brings him the phone] Thank you. [into phone] Hello?... Well, yes, uh, how'd you hear?... Ahhh. Jaime is a bit of a gossip. [Frasier is unamused] Luckily, they discovered the blockage before I had a, a major event... well, thank you... That wasn't the nurse, that was my wife... Yes, Daphne. Uh, we were married a couple of months ago. [he takes Daphne's hand] No, well, uh, it's not really my fault you didn't know, uh, it sounds to me like your argument is with Jaime. [Frasier shakes his head] Well, if it makes you feel any better, we didn't invite anyone. [covers the mouthpiece] Dr. Ling? [mouths "Give me the drugs" while miming giving an injection] Uh-huh... uh-huh... well, yes, of course we invited him, uh, he's my brother... Yes, uh, Williams Sonoma and Tiffany's. [covers the mouthpiece] Keep it coming.
Frasier starts posturing against Niles' doctor, insisting his degree from Harvard qualifies him to tell the doctors what to do.
Dr. Schaeffer: Well, if you're such an expert, maybe you should perform the surgery.
Frasier: Maybe I should!
Niles: (weakly) Daaaaad!
Martin: Frasier, you're not operating on your brother!
As Niles is wheeled in for surgery, he wonders if hospitals have memories, remembering all the people who have been born or treated for illnesses or injuries there. It seems the answer is "Yes", as we see assorted flashbacks of the core quintet visiting the hospital. The funniest moments involve young Frasier and Niles, including a pre-school-aged Frasier reacting to a newborn Niles with an emphatic "I don't like him!" and a pre-teen Frasier trying to buy an elementary school-aged Niles' silence regarding a fall down a flight of stairs.
Young Frasier: As far as Dad knows, I had nothing to do with your leg breaking, right?
Young Niles: [arms folded] You pushed me.
Young Frasier: Yes. And in exchange for my silence, you'll get ten of my records. Any ones you want.
Young Niles: Even the Shostakovich?
Young Frasier: [horrified] Not that one!
Young Niles: [huffily] Then forget it.
Young Frasier: [sighs] Okay, fine. [unfolds a piece of paper and hands Niles a pen] Sign here, and... initial here.
While in the waiting room, Martin finds the only readable item, an issue of Cosmo-alike Glamazon.
Martin: Oh, geez, would you look at this. "Ten Saucy Secrets to Please Him in Bed". You know damn well there are only four, the rest are just do-si-does.
[...]
Martin: (still reading Glamazon) I used to bust people for that one.
As Frasier, Daphne, Roz, and Martin wait for updates on Niles' surgery, Martin notices a Chunky bar in the vending machine, and says he hasn't had one in years. Getting change for the machine proves difficult, but he finally succeeds, leading to a pair of puns on the name:
[Frasier is getting a drink from the water fountain as Martin walks past]
Martin: Well, hello, Chunky!
Frasier: [offended] I beg your pardon!?
[later, after the Chunky gets stuck on its way down and Frasier tries to reach in and pull it out]
Roz: What is going on?!
Martin: We have a stuck Chunky.
Roz: Well, why did Chunky stick his arm in there!?
Frasier, to no-one's surprise, tries telling the doctors how to do their job. They catch on how to handle this quickly: When a nurse sees Frasier doing this, she mentions Niles's doctor gave instructions on what to do if it happened again - leave without another word.

1010: We Two Kings

When Niles and Frasier are arguing over where to have Christmas:
Frasier: But I've had new stockings loomed, and there see, you made me spoil the surprise! And did no one hear me say that I have ordered an Hungarian goose?!
Niles: Which you are more than welcome to bring over to our place.
Frasier: It's not my date - it's dinner!
Later in the episode:
Frasier: (to Niles) Copernicus called - you are not the center of the universe!

1012: The Harassed

Roz summing up exactly how Julia is Frasier's type:
Roz: She's right up your alley: smart, tough... total bitch.
Julia and Frasier get into an intense name-calling argument. Suddenly, Frasier asks, "Are you as turned on as I am?" Rather than the typical reaction (see other episodes in the series), Julia is repelled and this kicks off the station putting on a harassment seminar so she doesn't sue.
Bulldog arrives at the harassment seminar. The facilitator asks him to take a packet but he tells him, "Got an old one."
Bulldog: By the way, the chick at the coffee table's got her high beams on.
Kenny tries to maintain a good attitude:
Kenny: Sorry for dragging you here on a weekend, but to make it up to you, everybody attending today will get a free mouse pad. How's that?
Roz: It sucks.
Kenny: Alright, who said that? ^noteRoz is sitting right in front of him
Roz: I did!
Kenny: ... fair enough.
The fact that the seminar is being hosted by a company called "Harassment Solutions".
- Also the fact that the host of the seminar is Mike Judge doing his Mr. Van Driessen voice.
Roz and Bulldog having to roleplay a potential situation in the workplace.
Bulldog: Hello, Roz, you are looking very professional today.
Roz: (flatly) Thank you, Bulldog. You're looking professional today also.
Bulldog: Why, thank you. After work, would you to join me for a coffee or non-stimulating beverage? Please note, you retain the option to say "no".
Van Andrews: Excellent. Roz?
Roz: Thank you, Bulldog, for your offer, but I'm uncomfortable with it, as I would prefer to cut my own arm off and eat it.
Gil has a great bit, an epic Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today? moment.
Gil: From the bottom of my heart, I apologise for my wandering eye over the years. Those whom I mentally undressed, and... you know who you are...
(A male and female co-worker look at each other confusedly)
Gil: ...all I can say and it's a poor defense is that I was a product of the thoughtless machismo of my time.
Van Andrews: (running the harassment seminar) Thank you, Gil.
Gil: But know this, Gil isn't about to stop loving the ladies.
Van: Ah, Thank you, Gil. I think they like to be called women now.
Gil: Ha. Do they ever.
Frasier and Julia get called up to the stand next (after Julia, who's playing solitaire, realizes she's being spoken to), and recount what happened.
Van: Who knows what Frasier did wrong?
(literally every hand in the room goes up)
Bulldog: People stopped saying "turned on" twenty years ago.^note
Julia admits that, Jerkass though she is, she's not going to sue KACL because it'd be pathetic. As soon as she does, everyone walks out.
Van: This course isn't about legal, okay? It's about making respecting each other's personhood fun.
Roz: Up yours!
Van: Who said that?
Roz: I did!

1013: Lilith Needs a Favor

The title refers to Lilith wanting Frasier to "donate" so they can have another child. When Lilith arrives earlier than expected, Martin immediately proves his comment to Frasier that he can't come up with a good excuse on the fly by coming up with a classic I Need to Go Iron My Dog excuse just to get away from her:
Martin: I have to go... practice... my signature.
As it turns out, Martin hasn't actually gone very far, when Lilith goes to leave.
Lilith: You can come back from around the corner now, Martin.
Martin: (still hiding) Good night, Lilith.
While Frasier reflects on the situation, Martin absently goes off on a tangent about how Lilith has "seen what the Crane genes can do"...which leads to him speculating that if Frasier turns Lilith down, she'll go to Niles—who would in turn her down...which would lead to...
Martin: She'll come to the source...! (Look of horror) ...Me...! The fountainhead...!
Frasier: (Long pause) What?
Martin then goes on a tangent about the complications in family dynamics that would cause:
Martin: Can you imagine? Lilith's and my kid would be brothers to you and Niles and Freddie... And if you and Lilith got back together, you'd be his step-father and his brother and Niles would be your son and his own uncle! It's almost worth doing just so that I can tell the story!
Frasier asks Niles for his opinion, and Niles offers his own form of brotherly support.
Niles: Well, I'm behind you whatever decision you make - the right one or the crazy one.
At the clinic, Frasier has to deal with another man there, who keeps trying to talk to him.
Man: This process can be hard on a relationship.
Frasier: We're already divorced.
Man: (bitterly) Good, 'cuz she'll never change.
The prolonged sequence when Frasier is in the private room in the sperm clinic—and Lilith keeps knocking on the door to give him pointers—leading to an epic—
Frasier: IF THERE IS ONE THING THAT I CAN DO BY MYSELF...!
Meanwhile, in the B-plot, Niles has found a photo from the Caribbean cruise which, after some analysis, and help from a passing barista, he and Frasier learn is a nipple photo, which Niles figures is Daphne's...
Frasier: Good lord, is that Daphne?
Niles: You are to erase that from your mind!
Barista: Nice.
Niles: You're not erasing! Erase!
- Niles starts focusing on the photo... until the end of the episode, when Daphne informs him it's not her nipple. It's Martin's (he was trying to take a photo of Eddie to use up the film roll, and there was a mishap). Niles's expression of sheer horror cannot be described, but then Martin shows up, since Niles offered to take him to dinner. Unfortunate choice of words abound.
Martin: I can't wait to get to Bogart's. I know just what I'm gonna get. A barbecued chicken breast. (Niles suddenly staggers) They have the juiciest one in town. Oh, or the lamb. They serve an enourmous rack.
Niles: 's great.
Martin: Uh, you might wanna get an overcoat of Frasier's out of there, it's supposed to be pretty nippy tonight.
And elsewhere, Daphne, Roz and Gertrude are off on a visit to Canada. One suspects Niles might have ulterior motives for the choice of destination.
Frasier: Just saying, Daphne's mom should be careful. If you're here on a temporary visa, sometimes people have a difficult time getting back into the country.
Niles: (stone-faced) That hadn't occurred to me, Frasier.

1014: Daphne Does Dinner

Daphne, now a member of the Crane family, shows she's really a member by throwing a dinner party. You can see where we're going here...
- The episode opens as yet another Frasier-and-Niles-hosted dinner party reaches a messy, premature, and hilarious end. As Daphne sits at the dining table with her chin in her hand and an "I knew this would happen" expression on her face, the guests storm out en masse, one female guest slaps Frasier and says she bets he doesn't even have Tourette's Syndrome (he tries shouting a few PG-rated oaths after her, to no avail), Niles stamps out another guest's toupee after it was ignited by flaming kabobs (Niles' own idea), the enraged caterer hands Frasier two lobsters and tells him to lose his phone number, and Martin appears from the bedroom wearing a sash and speaking Italian until his sons tell him he no longer needs to pretend to be "the Count". The rotten cherry on the melted sundae is a goat - one of several, apparently - throwing up in the kitchen.
- Daphne tells Niles that his track record for throwing parties with Frasier is a disaster, so Niles excludes a very indignant Frasier from the preparation process. The party is intended to celebrate a painting by artist Mike Shaw (who has been invited but declined) that Niles is donating to an art gallery. However, as Roz prepares to leave after helping set things up, she and Daphne discover that Roz' daughter Alice has written her name in crayon on the Shaw painting, and Daphne sends Roz and the painting to an art restorer while replacing the painting with one of Alice's drawings and covering it with a cloth. She then has to spend the rest of the evening defending it from one guest's attempts to get a peek.
  Daphne: You've got two choices: you can either walk away from the painting, or you can limp away from the painting.
- While she is distracted, the Cornish hens in the oven catch fire, and the caterers have closed for the day, necessitating an emergency call to Frasier...
  Frasier: [hanging up the phone] As usual, Frasier has to save the day.
  Martin: [not looking up from scratching the back of Eddie's neck] As usual, Martin has to hear about it.
  Frasier: [taking a pan of Cornish hens out of the oven and pulling a sheet of foil off a roll] Suit up, boys! We're goin' in!
- The argument between Frasier and Niles means that Frasier's presence in the kitchen must be kept secret from Niles (resulting in Daphne physically ejecting Niles from the kitchen as the evening wears on); meanwhile, an unenthusiastic Shaw arrives, having been persuaded to attend after all by his gallery, but only meets a couple of guests before joining Daphne's mother to watch a pay-per-view boxing match upstairs. Said guests have to leave early and describe Shaw to Niles as a plain-spoken older man dressed in a plaid shirt and using a cane, a description Niles notices matches Martin - who has just arrived with a set of ramekins at Frasier's request. Unaware of Shaw's presence, Niles assumes that Martin has been mistaken for the artist and tries to usher him out, but the other guests begin engaging him in conversation, and soon he is launching himself enthusiastically into the role by verbally tearing into every piece of art Niles owns, with the guests hanging on his every word. (As the real Shaw didn't want to attend due to his contempt for pretentious "art connoisseurs", he likely would have done something similar...)
- Frasier's presence and the painting's absence finally collide when Niles, who has known Frasier was in the kitchen for a while, struggles with him and ends up getting coated in his signature Cornish hen sauce. Martin grabs the nearest cloth so that Niles can clean himself off... and it's the cloth covering Alice's crayon drawing. Daphne almost smooths things over... until the tremor caused by Shaw and Mrs. Moon having sex causes the chandelier to fall down, taking the ceiling and the bed containing Shaw and Mrs. Moon with it.
  Frasier: [putting his arm around Daphne] Daphne, congratulations. You're now officially a Crane. [Daphne bursts into tears]
- In The Tag, Niles walks into the still ruined living room on his way to work and shouts up through the hole in the ceiling for his briefcase.

1015: Trophy Girlfriend

Frasier dating a gym teacher is pure comedy gold, especially after he visits her class and she turns into his old gym teacher from school. Cue a LOT of Squick until Frasier manages to work it out...

1016: Fraternal Schwinns

KACL organises a Bike-a-thon to support AIDS research, and Frasier is embarrassed into participating instead of simply making a financial donation. When Daphne hears the news, she tells Niles they should participate as well, just as he's taunting Frasier about it ("y' had to see that coming"). One problem: neither Crane knows how to ride a bike, and they are too ashamed to admit this to anyone. So they shop for bikes in secret, leading to several hilarious exchanges as they pretend to know about bikes.
Niles: Call me crazy but I like a bouncy tire.
Frasier: Two bouncy tires, and a taut chain. ...That's good ridin'.
In the B-plot, Martin finds Gertrude has been driving away any woman who's interested in him, and refuses to speak to her, or even acknowledge her existence, leading to a good burn from Niles when she tries protesting.
Gertrude: Oh, Martin...
Niles: (gently) Ms. Moon, Ms. Moon... shut up.
Trying to shop for bikes, Frasier does some good bluffing, and Niles is impressed. Frasier tells him it's a matter of confidence. Smash Cut to the two returning to Frasier's apartment, battered and broken. Niles is increasingly despondent since Daphne wants to ride with him the next day, and he hasn't told her he sucks at it, and... well...
Frasier: You're gonna have to tell her you don't know how to ride.
Niles: I can't! It's too late! If I was going to do that, I should've done it at the bike store. But no! You! You said we could teach ourselves!
Frasier: Niles -
Niles: (increasingly manic) You said no-one would be the wiser!
Frasier: (approaching him) Niles-
Niles: "Two bouncy tires and a taut chain" you said. And now look, my spokes are bent, my pants are stuck, and there's blood on the headlight! And blood everywhere-!
Frasier: (hugging him, as Niles sobs in despair) Niles, Niles, that wasn't your fault. That jogger should have been wearing a reflective vest.
The Failure Montage of Daphne trying to teach Frasier and Niles to ride bikes, with Niles riding a child's bike. The tone is set when Daphne tells the brothers to start pedaling so she can get an idea of their individual skill levels, and they simply fall against each other as their bikes remain otherwise stationary. The montage spoofs Breaking Away by using Gioachino Rossini's overture to The Barber of Seville as...
- Daphne wheels Niles along on his bike, then they pass behind a bush, and Daphne emerges wheeling an empty bike.
- Niles struggles to get the water bottle off his bike, and eventually gives up and lifts the bike so that he can get the spout in his mouth. Later, he unwraps a power bar, only for it to fall to the ground before he can take a bite.
- Frasier repeatedly crashes into a sycamore tree. On his third attempt, Daphne and Niles are able to wave him past it... only for him to turn in a circle and send his brother and sister-in-law scattering as he crashes into the tree again.
But first Niles, then Frasier finally get the hang of riding their bikes, although Frasier is passed by a young girl on a bike with training wheels, a pregnant woman jogging, and an old man on a razor scooter.
At the Bike-a-thon, Niles makes the mistake of alluding to Frasier's apparent fixation on stationary objects while cycling, causing Julia to Troll him by saying she hopes he doesn't hit a mailbox just in front of the starting line. Inevitably, he crashes into it as soon as the Bike-a-thon begins... and then rides in a circle and crashes into it again seconds later.

1017: Kenny on the Couch

Martin's exasperation with Frasier - Freudian to the last - assuming Kenny's issues are because of an Oedipus complex.
Martin: What's your generation gonna do when we're all gone and there's no-one left to blame?
Frasier and Martin get into an argument over whether Frasier's attempts are actually helping make Kenny happy, leading to Frasier saying:
Frasier: I am not trying to make him happy, I am trying to cure his depression!
The next day, Frasier and Niles talk about Fras's work with Kenny at Nervosa, while Daphne's present.
Niles: I just read a fascinating paper on early termination. Yeah, the hypothesis was-
Daphne: I think I'll get something to eat.
Niles: Oh, you have something here.
Daphne: Something else.
Niles: Oh, well, here, try mine.
Daphne: Please, just let me go.
When his Berserk Button is pressed by his father calling psychiatry "mumbo-jumbo" and that Kenny doesn't really need it, Frasier asks Martin who he feels might actually need professional help. The most Martin can come up with is... Hitler.
Frasier: ... Hitler?
Martin: Yes. And... that one with all the different personalities. Um... Sybil.
Fraiser: Hitler and Sybil. (glowers furiously at Martin) Anyone else?
Martin: (thinks about it) No.
Frasier: Great. An entire science devoted to Hitler and Sybil.
Martin defends himself, pointing out that Frasier's overcomplicating everything and that is the mumbo-jumbo, that he needed to analyze someone more than Kenny needed analyzing.
Frasier: And I think I'm done listening to you! (sits back down again) Alright, fine, maybe I did enjoy it.

1018: Roe to Perdition

In the episode's A plot, Seattle is dealing with a caviar problem, namely that it's costing a hundred dollars an ounce.
Frasier: Isn't that rather a lot?
Robert: To you, yes. To the fish who gave up her life so you could spread her unborn children on a cracker, it's not so much.
This leads to Frasier and Niles learning about the black-market beluga caviar, which has the full I Can't Believe It's Not Heroin! treatment, complete with Roz becoming a total cav-head after one bite.
Roz: You know, at work, I'm just sitting there thinking, (with clenched teeth) "two hours to caviar. One hour to caviar." You don't have any on you, do you?
Frasier: No.
Frasier telling Niles, with all sincerity, that he is an excellent judge of character. Of course, then Daphne asks why he didn't have their contact deliver the caviar straight to his house. Seems he didn't want the man knowing where he lives.
Having taken too many orders for caviar, Frasier and Niles get despondent, and feel they must bite the bullet and buy retail again... not noticing Frasier has turned his back on the hamper full of caviar next to Roz.
Eventually, the two go to the source, a pair of Russians in a boat on the docks. Just as they get a supply of caviar, the US Customs Department shows up, and the Russians bolt. A panicking Frasier and Niles try to hide the "evidence" by eating it. As they're stuffing themselves a customs agent walks in and tells them the agency is there for find smuggled DVDs and has no interest in the caviar.
In the episode's B plot, Martin gets $60 from an ATM instead of the $20 he wanted to get, and is content to simply sit back with his free $40 until Daphne pressures him to return it, whereupon the other characters lampshade the classic device of Daphne telling a story about her crazy family. The best part is Martin's attempted interruption and Niles' quashing thereof:
Daphne: Just call them and tell them what happened.
Martin: Why should I?
Daphne: Because otherwise, you could end up like my brother Nigel and his baby teeth.
[Frasier, Niles, and Martin exchange looks, silently begging each other not to take the bait. But eventually...]
Niles: [with an "Oh, fine then" tone to his voice] What happened with your brother Nigel and his baby teeth? [Frasier and Martin both react as if to say "Thanks a lot, Niles!"]
Daphne: Well, like any child, the first time he had a tooth fall out, he put it under his pillow at bedtime, and sure enough, the next morning he found that Winston Churchill had left him a shiny new coin.
Martin: [utterly deadpan, raising his hand] Question.
Niles: No, Dad, we're not stopping. Go ahead, darling. [Martin scowls and lowers his hand]
Daphne: Well, instead of being grateful, he got greedy and went off to school, punching people in their mouths and scooping up their teeth. [Martin is sickened] Of course, it didn't work and he got kicked out of school, became a thief, and eventually went to prison.
[Martin looks confused, and gestures toward Frasier as if to say "And the point of this story is...?"]
Frasier: [attempting to help] Where he... fittingly had all of his teeth knocked out?
Daphne: No, he lost his teeth years earlier in a rock-eating contest. Now that's an interesting story. [Martin Facepalms] We were renting a house next to a quarry at the time-
Martin: All right, all right, I'll call the bank!
Martin's attempts to call the bank's toll-free customer service line serve up a hilarious example of For Inconvenience, Press "1". Inevitably, he struggles with the voice-activated menu, and Frasier's attempts to help do just the opposite...
Martin: [into phone, angrily] PER-SON-AL!
Niles: What'cha doing, Dad?
Martin: Oh, this stupid bank's automated voice system. It's, it's like a maze!
Frasier: All right, give it here. [taking the phone from Martin] You just push 0, and you'll get an operator. [presses the 0 button] Little trick I learned. [listens] Another menu. Hm. Sometimes it's a star. [presses the star button; listens] All right, maybe 1 will get me back to a main menu. [presses the 1 button; listens] Ah. Here you go. [hands Martin the phone]
Martin: Got me to the right department?
Frasier: No, but if I remember my high school Spanish correctly, you just qualified for a small business loan. [Martin throws his arms up in frustration]
So Martin and Daphne go to the bank in person to straighten things out, but the tellers think they owe Martin $40, and the branch manager to whom he needs to speak to give back the now $80 the bank has given him erroneously is out of town. The manager who tells him this does offer an alternative, and picks up the phone and dials...
Manager: [listens, then enunciates] Per-son-al. [Martin sinks into a chair in despair]
To Martin's shock, he gets a postcard several days letter revealing that the bank has misunderstood his request again and credited him another $80, so he goes back. Daphne has parked the car in a loading zone after dropping Martin off, but Martin, having already received one parking ticket on his visits to the bank, tells her to pull around to the front, saying he shouldn't be long, and Eddie might be panicking. A security guard overhears this conversation, and when Martin advances to the desk and testily orders the teller to listen to him and do exactly what he says before reaching into his jacket, the security guard jumps to what seems like the obvious conclusion and draws a gun on him. Cut to later, and the bank president tells Martin that they are offering him $10,000 not to press charges, plus the $40 from the original mistake. Martin gives up trying to clear up the misunderstanding and accepts the settlement.
Bank President: That's wonderful. Now, is there anything else I can do for you?
Daphne: Could I open an account?

1020: Farewell, Nervosa

Frasier: "I'm hashing over an ethical dilemma, so I think I could use some black coffee."
The entire conversation about coffee sizes that follows from this, with Frasier converting between the various coffee shops to find the right size comparable to Café Nervosa's.
The meta-humor of having an awful folk guitarist played by Elvis Costello, who's selling music CDs... that are not his own, like Quadrophenia.
Niles, having come into Nervosa to complain about Ben's music, ends up participating in an "egg solo", only for Frasier to catch him in the act.

1021: The Devil and Dr. Phil

Bebe explaining how she met Dr. Phil in the first place: A donkey basketball game.
Frasier: Donkey basketball?
Bebe: Texas, darling. It's like the symphony to them.
In the show's B-plot, Martin is being forced to work the graveyard shift by his boss because he won't date the guy's sister. The result is when Frasier is having concerns about letting Bebe go way back when, Martin's... not much help.
Frasier: Dad, do you think I did the right thing changing agents? I mean, the one I have now is fine, but after I've seen what Bebe's done for Phil, I can't help wondering if maybe I've denied myself access to a wider world.
Martin: (stands there, mouth hanging open, utterly exhausted and unresponsive)
Frasier: Dad, are you alright?
Martin: Oh, I'm sorry. I - I haven't talked to anybody in a few days. It feels kinda strange. (starts walking toward his bedroom) Even this is making me feel a little uncomfortable.
Frasier: Dad, you have got to stop with the graveyard shifts or you're gonna start seeing apparitions.
Martin: (looking around everywhere but at Frasier) Nah, don't worry about me, I'm pretty tough. Listen, I'd love to stay here talking to you, but all this sunlight is making me dizzy.
Frasier: What, you don't like the sun?
Martin: Us night-shift guys call it "the Scare Ball".
Bebe is trying to get Frasier back...and back into bed. Niles has the most perfect remark on this, a Call-Back to "Agents In America III":
Niles: I have it: Bebe wants to have sex with a human male to bring about the Apocalypse.
The jokes about Bebe's questionable humanity reach a crescendo when Frasier meets her at her hotel room, and Bebe tries to seduce him, while ominous chanting is going on, the room's lit up with a red light, and she's surrounded by steam, and offering Frasier what he's always wanted. Frasier is almost tempted... then flees the room, panicking further when he sees her room number is (naturally) 666.

1022: Fathers and Sons

Eddie hopping on the couch and putting his arm on Dr. Leland while staring at him. When Frasier sits down on the other side of the couch, they both sip their sherry and cross their legs in unison. A helplessly confused Eddie stares alternatingly at each man.

1023: Analyzed Kiss

After Martin takes Niles to the shooting range, Niles makes friends with some guys who go there, and then attends a gun show, where Martin and Daphne realize they're militiamen.
- Their efforts to warn Niles don't work...
  Martin: Niles, we think they wanna overthrow the government!
  Niles: That's what you say about public television!
- ... but only for a few seconds...
  Niles: Hey, guys, what'chyou doing?
  Red: We're chipping in for this gas-powered generator. We're gonna need it when it comes time for the New World Order.
  Niles: Well, that sounds great! Excuse me just a second. (hurries over to Martin and Daphne) Okay, they're militia, go go go!

1024: A New Position for Roz

Roz's farewell dinner, with highlights being Noel freaking out at Bulldog's constant insults, and Gil's own unusual speech.
Gil: Of course, I too noticed Roz's sex appeal immediately. She had the same effect on all of us stallions in the KACL corral. She made us want to paw the ground and rise up on our powerful haunches, fetlocks glistening. Smokey, Misty, Storm! Away! (downs his entire glass of wine)
Kenny: Okay, bar's closed!

Season 11

1101: No Sex Please, We're Skittish

The episode begins with Roz coming into Café Nervosa to find Niles, asking if he's with Frasier.
Niles: Why does everyone treat us like we're joined at the hip? I do have have coffee with people other than my brother, y'know.
Roz: Good, 'cuz I'm avoiding him.
Niles: Well, then talk fast, he's meeting me here in five minutes.
Having heard about what happened, Niles asks if Roz's decisions are because she's in love with Frasier.
Roz: Absolutely not.
Niles: You sound sure.
Roz: I am sure. I mean, if I were gonna fall for him, it would've been two years ago when we slept together.
Niles: Well, then another theory I'd like to explore is - whoa, back up.
It turns out Frasier never mentioned this to Niles, but he's still not surprised.
Niles: When the wolf and the lamb work together it's only a matter of time before the wolf gets his way. I hope you were gentle with him.
After having quit KACL, Roz decides she wants to come back.
Niles: Well, why don't you just sweep your emotions under the rug and waltz back to the station like nothing ever happened?
Roz: That's perfect! Thanks! (gets up to leave)
Niles: No, I was being facetious, my real advice would be -
Roz: I know, talk about my feelings.
Niles: Yes.
Roz: Blah blah, woof woof. I gotta go, Niles.
Because of Martin's squeamishness about use of the word "sperm", Niles must refer to it as "s"... managing to make it sound more filthy when Niles talking about "selling my s", and buying Martin a gift with "s money".
Sure enough, Roz does just march back in and act like she never left. Which works.
As Roz returns, Frasier is obliviously singing praise to her "warmth, kindness and gentle spirit", as Roz storms into the producer's booth, steals the headphones off her replacement — a handicapped woman in a wheelchair! — and rolls her down the hallway as she screams, waving her arms helplessly.
Frasier: Very well then, the beginning of a new era. Let's go to our first caller?
Roz: We have Scott on line 2.
(Frasier jumps in his seat as Roz smiles sweetly)
Niles, having learned he might suffer from low motility, starts doing things to spice his swimmers up, which among other things involves wearing special pants, much to Frasier's confusion.
Frasier: Are your pants humming?
Niles: It's - it's my, uh, testicular hypothermia device. It promotes motility by keeping my nether regions at a cool and constant ninety-six degrees.
(Beat, as Frasier absorbs this)
Frasier: Oh, dear.
(the doorbell rings)
Niles: That wasn't me. That was the doorb-
Frasier: I know that!
Frasier, assuming Roz is in love with him (she isn't), starts getting reluctant about sleeping with Julia, thinking it'll lead to the same (non-existent) situation. And he's explaining his reasoning to Niles, who has already spoken with Roz and knows she has no feelings for him.
Frasier: It's the same scenario. An infatuated co-worker, a night of passion. What if things don't work out between us? Every day she'll be forced to stare through the glass at me. Wondering what might have been until one day, like Roz, she goes mad!
(beat, as Niles checks his watch)
Niles: Um, I'm leaving now. Can I pick you up anything on Earth?
Roz passes by the apartment, and manages to break the truth to Frasier in her own way.
Frasier: You've realized that you're in love with me.
Roz: No, that's not it.
Frasier: Come on...
Roz: I can see why you think that based on how I've been acting, but that's not it.
Frasier: Okay, okay, just to be clear: You haven't been pining over me since we slept together?
Roz: God, no. Weren't you there?
Roz starts laughing about the idea of having a crush on Frasier, upsetting him.
Roz: (in-between laughter) You have quite the ego on you. I mean, we slept together like two years ago. What do you think, you're some kind of slow-acting, time-released love bomb? (laughs again)
Frasier: I don't remember you having any complaints when we were in bed! I seem to recall hearing the term 'stallion-like'!
Roz: I never said that.
Frasier: Well, one of us did!
Niles and Daphne avert the Law of Inverse Fertility. It started with her mistaking a pregnancy test for an ovulation test, then they put two and two together...
Niles: But, my slow sperm...
Daphne: I must have fast eggs.
The tender moment is then ruined by Niles' pants malfunctioning.
Daphne: (to her stomach) That's your daddy.

1102: A Man, a Plan and a Gal: Julia

Frasier, fresh off his apparent break-up with Julia, comes into Café Nervosa looking to unload on Niles, who, after eleven years of woes isn't remotely sympathetic, and can predict what Frasier will say.
Frasier: I ruined another relationship. I suppose you want to hear the whole sorry tale.
Niles: No, thank you.
Frasier: Last night, Julia came over, and as usual I made a mess of things - Did you say "no"?
Niles: I said "no, thank you".
Frasier: But I wish to unburden myself.
Niles: And I wish to remain in my good mood. Therefore I demur.
Frasier: You demur?
Niles: I demur. (Frasier looks betrayed) Besides, I'm sure I've heard it all before.
Frasier: This time it was different. I really thought she could've been the one.
Niles: (simultaneously) She could've been the one.
Conversation turns to Frasier's habit of Minor Flaw, Major Breakup.
Niles: What you need isn't a shoulder, it's a swift boot to break you out of this pattern.
Frasier: What pattern?
Niles: Your pattern of ruining things before they've even begun.
Frasier: And when have I done that?
Niles: (pretends to think about it) Hmm, let me see: Faye, Cassandra, Chelsea, Claire, Lana, Abby, Mia, Marie.
The "Fault-finding Flasier" scene.
Frasier and Julia sleep together. Meanwhile, Niles, Daphne and Martin stop by, having planned to have dinner at Niles and Daphne's and break the news of Daphne's pregnancy, but Niles' oven blew out the Montanna's wiring. Frasier tries brushing them off, unaware they're in his apartment, by claiming he's coming down with something from a visit to the theatre, walking into the main room still wearing his bedsheets with Julia behind him, prompting Niles to dryly comment:
Niles: If that's what you wear to the movies it's your own damn fault.
Having decided that he suffers from a case of Minor Flaw, Major Breakup when it comes to his girlfriends and trying to break the pattern, Frasier tries desperately to pretend that he's perfectly happy with Julia Wilcox. The pretense gets gradually more and more strained, as Julia is increasingly obnoxious:
Frasier: Isn't this fun? [forced laughter, as Martin glowers at him] I'm having a good time. Fun, isn't it?
Daphne: She certainly takes a lot of calls at dinnertime.
Frasier: You know, that's exactly the kind of...flaw that the old Frasier would have...seized upon as a pretext to end the relationship, but I-I know now that... that impulse to run is-is really an indication that my feelings for her are just deepening, and um... gone are the days when I would have said something like... [despite his best efforts, his real feelings begin to break through:] "How rude!" ... or "She's horrible. I've made a ghastly, ghastly mistake!" [Forced smile returns]
At this point, Julia reveals the score of the Mariners game, which Martin had wanted to learn on his own time. He gives Frasier a look that screams pure murder.
Later, Julia is playing Pictionary with the Cranes and Daphne. Frasier makes a bad drawing, which causes Julia to make snide comments on all of them before choking on something. When Frasier finally notices, he excuses her to the bathroom. The following conversation ensues...
Frasier: You can't understand the kind of feelings Julia and I have for one another! You may as well ask me to describe the essence of music, or the... the color of starlight!
[Julia emerges from the bathroom.]
Julia: Nice towels, Frasier. You'd think a couple of old ladies lived here.
Frasier: Get out!
Julia: [disbelieving] Excuse me?
Frasier: I said "get out"!
Julia: I'm sorry; have you just lost your mind!?
Frasier: No, that happened earlier when we slept together!
Julia: Are you breaking up with me!?
Frasier: You're damn right I am!
Julia: I want my purse!
Frasier: And I... my handtowel!

1103: The Doctor is Out

Niles and Frasier assume Roz's new boyfriend Barry — a buff, lisping guy whose job is a buyer — is gay. Martin refutes it.
Martin: That guy's not gay! You know how you can tell? The muscles.
Niles: Good point, Dad. Second tip-off: no poodle.
When Roz and her boyfriend leave:
Roz: (to Barry) What, no biscotti for you?
Barry: Please — I'm a house.
(Frasier and Niles mouth at each other, "So gay!")
Later in the episode, Roz settles the idea Barry is gay with Frasier.
Roz: Yeah, you know what Barry was doing from 10:00 until midnight last night?
Frasier: What?
Roz: ME, THAT'S WHAT!
Niles chooses the worst possible moment to shout above the music in a gay bar:
Niles: (to Frasier, just as the loud music cuts out) I'M BEGGING YOU, PLEASE TAKE ME HOME!!
When the techno blares out in full force, Frasier starts bobbing to the beat.
Gil "helpfully" urges Frasier come out, which has more than a hint of Gil identifying with Frasier. (The Stinger has him going to the gay bar himself.)
Gil: I just want to say that your KACL family will be here for you as you take your first brave steps on that yellow brick road to pride and self-acceptance and...
Frasier: Oh, shut up, you big queen! (storms off)
Gil: (to Roz, cattily) I see kitty has claws.
Patrick Stewart as Alistair giving a nice twist on the Gaydar trope—in that his character is himself gay. His reaction to Niles being married to Daphne:
Alistair: No.
Niles: Oh, we're expecting!
Alistair: Can't say I was...!
Frasier keeps insisting that Alistair thinks that he knows Frasier isn't gay and is just being a good friend. Niles snarks back the perfect line:
Niles: He thinks I'm gay and I'm standing next to my pregnant wife!
The jokes about Alistair mistaking Niles for gay get even funnier if you know that David Hyde Pierce is, in fact, gay.
Then you have Alistair inviting Frasier to a party and to watch an opera rehearsal. Niles has stood up and is pining to be taken, too.
Frasier: I would love that. Let me just grab my coffee. Good-bye, Dad. (mocking) Niles.
Niles: (jealous) Did you see that? I would kill to go to that party. (pouts) I was at that gay bar too, you know.
Martin: (annoyed) Let's see: one of my sons just got picked up by a guy. My other son is jealous. Yep, life is good.
Daphne says she fantasizes about being a buddy of Peter O'Toole. When everyone is invited to Alistair's party:
Daphne: Will Peter O'Toole be there?
Alistair: No - and he knows why!
Frasier and Alistair are tangoing, very closely, as Frasier tries to "break up" with him.
Alistair: I want to thank you for waiting.
Frasier: (nervous) Oh no, the waiting was good, I enjoyed the waiting.
Alistair: (hungrily) Oh, me too! How it sharpens the appetite. (holds Frasier closer) How it builds! The intensity, the heat, the desire! Can you feel it?!
Frasier: (horrified) Oh yes, there it is!
Followed by this:
Glinka: Don't they make a stunning couple?
Niles: (barely bursting from laughing) I'm more stunned by them each day.
The episode ends on Frasier "breaking up" with Alistair, with this corker of an exchange.
Alistair: Would you mind staying tonight until my other guests have gone? I'd hate my friends to think I've been jilted.
Frasier: Of course.
Alistair: It won't be very late. Around about 3:00 it's down to the core crowd, and we'll all relax and unwind.
Servant: It's after midnight, sir. Shall I fire up the hot tub?
Alistair: Absolutely.
Frasier: I'm afraid I don't have a bathing suit.
Alistair: (smiling) Then you'll fit right in.
(Frasier's smile freezes as the implications dawn on him.)

1104: The Babysitter

Frasier brings Ronee home in an effort to put the moves on her, only for Martin to show him up at every turn on the assumption that Frasier was trying to set Ronee up with him. Frasier is none too pleased about this.
Frasier: What the hell do you think you're doing?
Martin: I was working my magic on her. Why are you so upset?
Frasier: Because I'm working a little magic of my own, and your magic was mucking up my magic!
Martin: Well, I thought you brought her here for me.
Frasier: Since WHEN do I "bring" you women?! What are you, the Sultan of Brunei?

1106: I'm Listening

Frasier, having overheard something about Ronee, finds Niles in Nervosa composing a letter to a famous decorator.
Niles: Oh, you've lost interest, haven't you?
Frasier: Well, I was feigning interest to begin with.
Frasier blabs about what he's seen, and then asks Niles what they should do about it.
Niles: "We"?
Frasier: Yes, we.
Niles: Don't drag me into this. I don't know a thing about it.
Frasier: You know as much as I do, I just briefed you.
Niles: (hurt) I didn't wanna be briefed.
Frasier: You should've said something, now you're in as deep as I am.
Later, Niles comes by to Frasier's apartment and finds himself on the recieving end of Frasier's Self-Serving Memory when he learns Martin's mad at Frasier.
Niles: You told him about Ronee's date.
Frasier: As we agreed.
Niles: (outraged) "We?"
Frasier: Yes, we.
Niles: There's no "we"! There's never been a "we!"
Frasier: Give it up, Niles! There's blood on both our hands!
As Frasier's helping himself to an apple, Martin and Ronee enter, and Frasier decides to hide, eventually getting caught out by Ronee when he tries ducking behind the kitchen counter.
Frasier: (as he's kneeling on the floor) I was just, uh, cleaning the oven, I must've dozed off.
Ronee: Cool. Well, I gotta run, good night, you two.
Martin: Yeah, see ya.
(Ronee leaves. As she does, Martin's face falls)
Martin: You have a disease!
Fraiser: Dad, please, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, let me explain.
Martin: No, there's nothing to explain. I told you not to eavesdrop and you did it again! You are a very sick person!
Frasier: I tried to announce myself, but I had a mouthful of apple rendering me speechless.
Martin: Oh, I was a cop. You think I haven't heard that one before?
Martin storms out, refusing to listen to Frasier, and then comes the punchline once they're both out of the room: Niles comes out of the bathroom, having heard all.

1107: Maris Returns

This scene from Frasier's return to private practice.

1108: Murder Most Maris

Frasier (in a horrified-sounding voice) milking the fact that he was "recently—PUNCHED in the face...by a man now dead!" to distract from an argument is pretty funny. The fact that it works is even funnier. That he does it twice more through the episode and it works every single time? Crowning Moment.
After Niles and Martin head down to the station to sort things out, Niles' phone (an unlisted number) keeps ringing. Frasier offers to let Daphne stay at his apartment, but Daphne declines because if she lets fear of the press drive her out of her house, "they've won." Frasier answers the phone anyway.
Frasier: Hello? Yes... I'll tell her. That was your mother. She's heard the news, she's on her way over.
Daphne: I'll pack a bag, you get the car.
The next morning, Niles reveals Maris is being held by the police as a flight risk.
Martin: It didn't help that when they found her she had a passport, a wig, and $10,000 in her purse.
Niles: Maris always has those things in her purse.
Niles refuses to believe Maris deliberately murdered her love. After all, "you do learn something about a woman when you've slept in the room next to hers for fifteen years."
Seeing the morning paper, we learn an interesting fact about Niles and Maris's honeymoon when Martin asks about the photo they're using.
Martin: Is that you and Maris on your honeymoon?
Niles: Uh, That is the Experimental Liposuction Center in Gstaad. (resigned sigh) So, yes.
Frasier tells Niles he's going to speak to the press on his behalf. Which... well...
Frasier: Good afternoon, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, spokesman for the Crane family. Recent events involving my brother, Niles Crane, and his ex-wife are tragic. Almost as tragic as the rampant media speculation concerning his involvement. If there is any justice in the world, Maris Crane and Niles Crane will soon be executed. Thank you, that is all I have to say.
Since the news naturally goes wild with this (four times in one newscast, by Marty's count), Daphne isn't very receptive.
Daphne: We know you were only trying to ruin our lives. I mean "help"!
Frasier offers to get Niles and Daphne some crackers, but while he's in the kitchen Maris phones Niles again and Daphne finally blows her lid, telling Niles he's Exiled to the Couch, before storming off to her old room, stopping only to tell Frasier one thing:
Daphne: I hate that kind of cracker!
(Frasier freezes in horror)
Martin: That was kinda harsh.
Frasier: I'll say. These are imported from Belgium.
The last straw.
Frasier: Niles, look at yourself.
(Niles glances down at his naked self.)
Niles: Hello! (to Frasier) I think I'm having that dream where I'm naked in Nervosa!
Frasier: I think a lot of people are having that dream.
At the end, the Cranes turn on one another - Niles pointing out none of them were supportive of him, and Daphne pointing out Frasier made her, a pregnant woman, do housework while her husband was at the police station. But Frasier has one last trump card...
Frasier: Fine! Fine! Turn your anger on me! It's almost as if you'd forgotten that not three days ago, I was... punched in the face by a man now dead.
(Martin, Daphne and Niles all drop their heads in shame)
Frasier: Thank you.

1109: Guns 'N' Neuroses

The episode begins with Daphne entering Frasier's apartment to find Martin working on an old playpen, which she is dubious about.
Daphne: Looks a bit rickety.
Martin: Nah, it just needs a little weight to balance it. Put a baby in there and it'll be fine.
(as if on cue, the entire playpen snaps shut)
Frasier enters, having slept late after a night dreaming about a volcano spewing ice.
Daphne: An ice volcano? Wonder what that could mean?
Frasier: (looking at his answering machine) Oh, what's this?
Recording: Hello, it's Lilith.
Frasier: Ah.
Frasier has missed a breakfast appointment with Lilith, and is unwilling to just admit this because she'll emotionally blackmail him about it forever, so he decides to try and trick her into cancelling on him.
Daphne: Instead of playing games, why don't you just talk to her?
Frasier: We tried talking when we were married. We were better at games.
Frasier suggests Lilith come by the apartment for lunch, causing Martin to gasp in horror. Though Fras insists Lilith won't bite, she does.
The second act begins with Niles visiting to find Martin looking after the house for Frasier while he's at the dentist.
Niles: Oh, well, we'll keep you company. Why'd he need you to hang around?
Daphne: (as Niles sits on the couch) He's making lunch for Lilith.
Niles: (springing back onto his feet) And off we go.
However, Niles's attempt to flee is too late, as the doorbell rings.
Niles: Shouldn't you get the door?
Martin: You're closer.
Niles: I don't live here.
Martin: Doesn't matter, you're family.
Niles: So's Daph.
Daphne: Oh, no, you don't!
Lilith: (through the door) Maybe if you slid me a key, I could let myself in?
Once Lilith is in, she tries to make small talk, guessing the sex of Daphne's child:
Lilith: I would say it's a boy.
Daphne: Oh, what makes you say that?
Lilith: Well, it's highly unscientific, but the proverbial old wives would cite the spreading of your nose, the unevenness of your breasts, and the coarse black hair on your legs.
Daphne: Interesting... (to Martin) Is that the shoebox from under your bed, then?^noteThe shoebox with a gun in it.
(later)
Daphne: Did you hear what she said about me? That I've got a flat nose, uneven boobs, and bristly legs? I mean, are they really that bad? (checks under her skirt)
Martin: (trying to avert eye contact) Not bad. Maybe a little cock-eyed, but with a heavy sweater you could...
Daphne: I was talking about my legs!
A hurt Daphne decides to make herself a sandwich, but not Niles. As she enters the kitchen, Daphne tosses him a banana, forgetting this is Niles she's dealing with. He not only fails to catch it, but knocks a box off the table where Martin was keeping his old gun, setting it off.
Daphne: My god, what was that?!
Niles: I think the banana went off!
They find the bullet has gone through one of the chairs, damaged a statue and the fireplace before stopping. Blame spreads between Martin for not putting the damn thing in storage, Daphne for throwing a banana at Niles, and Niles for not being able to catch a simple banana in the first place.
Niles: I am not having this argument again!
Martin panics, knowing if Frasier learns what's happened, he'll never hear the end of it. Daphne is initially unsympathetic, until...
Martin: If he kicks me out, I'm moving in with you!
Daphne: All right, what's the plan?

1111: High Holidays

Niles thinks he's high on a pot brownie (which was actually eaten by Martin instead) and is looking forward to the munchies. His idea of the munchies is pairing a Chilean seabass with an aggressive zinfandel. The funniest part is after Niles realizes he's Fake High and runs off, Frasier stares at the wine and mutters, "Madness!"
Frasier tries to make his brother feel better about his inability to be a rebel.
Frasier: You're a good man, Niles. In a way, isn't that rebelling against rebellion?
Niles: (smiles sadly) Nice try.
Frasier: All right, look at it this way — you did get our cop father stoned tonight.
Niles: (considers this, then grins cockily) I did, didn't I?
The "Come to Seattle" ad, which features Frasier's voice coming out of Eddie's mouth. It freaks out a high Martin.
Frasier!Eddie: Anybody want to go for a walk? Then why not come to Seattle?
Martin: Sweet Mother!!!

1112: Frasier-Lite

Frasier has trouble keeping his weight loss team on point:
Frasier: Good team, good friends. (realizing his weight loss team is going to the birthday party to get cake) Good God! People, please, it's not worth it! It's sheet cake!
Later, just before the final weigh-in:
Noel: I see giant steaks with legs.
Bulldog: You're hallucinating. (slaps Noel) Just pull it together.
Kenny: Uh, no, he's right. It's the Beef Council dancers, they're on after us.
(Noel slaps Bulldog right back)
Niles and Martin are nursing an injured pigeon back to health. When Martin opens the pigeon's box to let the pigeon and Eddie become friends, Eddie wastes no time in grabbing the pigeon in his mouth and running out the door. This leads to an absolutely hysterical moment when Kenny wanders into the living room and, being desperately hungry, starts eating the birdseed Martin was feeding to the pigeon. Frasier passes by the half-eaten corpse of the pigeon in the hall before finding Kenny, who, in embarrassment from eating bird seed, covers his mouth, accidentally leading Frasier to believe that Kenny ate the pigeon out of hunger.
This leads to how Eddie helps the team lose their appetite.
Martin: (sighing) Stay out of the hallway. Eddie just threw up a dead pigeon, and now he's eating it again.

1113: The Ann Who Came to Dinner

After a friend of Roz's, a realtor who is apparently a serial suer, injures herself at Frasier's house, Frasier lets her stay over in the hopes that she won't sue. As her boorish behavior drives Frasier to distraction, he mentions to Roz he's surprised they're friends as she doesn't seem like the kind of person Roz would like.
Roz: Oh she's not—I rear-ended her back in '97.

1114: Freudian Sleep

Niles mocking Frasier for having an obvious dream. Frasier tries to make it sound more cryptic.
Frasier: For instance, uh, well there was um... a wheat thresher and... some sausage patties. And Eddie was dead, too.
Niles: (smug) Ah, well, there's a real head-scratcher.
Frasier gets his revenge on Niles after he talks about his dream.
Frasier: .(chuckling) Oh, hi, Niles! I understand you had a bad dream.
Niles: Yes, it was utterly inscrutable. There was a table saw and apple pies, and...
Frasier: Spare me, Niles, you broke the baby. Now who has the obvious dreams?
Daphne's nightmare has her becoming fatter and fatter as Niles takes sexy women "to the bedroom", including one girl dressed as Martin and holding a cane whom he calls "Dad".
Niles: Dad! There you are. I need to show you something in the bedroom.
It doesn't help that Frasier is playing chess by himself and shooting insults at her.
Daphne: Isn't he a clever one, finding a plumber at this hour?
Frasier: Yes, indeed. How fat of you to notice.
The way Martin allayed the other three characters' tension about their nightmares:
Martin: Blah blah blah. (To Daphne) Afraid you're going to lose your looks? Happens to everyone. (To Frasier) Afraid you're going to end up alone? You'll still have your family. (To Niles) Afraid you're going to be a bad father? Join the club. Now just clam up and go to bed.
Niles: I'm starting to regret inviting him up here.
Martin and Eddie's dreams in the episode. Of course, since Martin sang a rather catchy tune in his dream, this is equal parts Funny Moment and Awesome Music.

1115: Caught in the Act

This exchange:
Roz: (on Frasier's brief marriage with Nanny G at a children's book store) So, uh, Nanny Gee gave you nice "hugs"?^note
Frasier: Oh, big hugs.
Roz: No kidding.
Frasier: We used to hug our brains out. In fact, you know, the last time we saw each other she wanted to have a little reunion hug, but alas, I was still married to Lilith and settling for my weekly handshake.
Then:
Frasier: If truth be told, it's been a while since I (covers Alice's ears) romped with abandon through the perfumed gardens of Eros.
Roz: (rolling eyes) Next time you say something like that, cover my ears.
A great line of Reality Subtext:
Nanny G: But nothing ever changes! Do you have any idea what it's like to play the same character for twenty years?
This exchange when Frasier and Nannette start making out wildly.
Daphne: (aside) Isn't she the children's entertainer?
Martin: (aside) Yeah. Spongebob Hotpants.
The final scene was so hilarious the studio audience reportedly had to be muted.

1116: Boo!

The moment when Frasier - tired of being the butt of Martin's practical jokes - retaliates by pretending to leave the apartment, dressing in a clown outfit, hiding in the bathroom and then leaping out with a meat cleaver in hand when Martin passes by...causing Martin to promptly collapse with a heart attack and have to be rushed to hospital. Followed by meeting the screaming coulrophobic patient who was the inspiration for the outfit.
Frasier trying to find a silver lining leads to this classic Niles snark:
Frasier: You know, maybe we can look on this as a sign that you should begin a healthier lifestyle. Perhaps one day we'll look back on this it and you'll thank me.
Niles: Oh, yes. Maybe then you can find a nice card for Frasier Iike, "Now that I'm old and looking back, I thank you for my heart attack."
Frasier has a do's and don't's list of foods for Martin, with approved food having a little smiling heart picture next to it. Later, when Frasier notes Martin can't have sex for two weeks, Niles just can't resist.
Niles: What little picture is next to that one?
Martin commands that Frasier and Niles not tell Ronee about his heart attack. When she notices the "get well soon" flowers, Martin lies and says they were for Frasier, who has "a little man-problem", to Frasier's horror and Niles' delight. Frasier is further unamused by Ronee trying to comfort him by saying, "Thank God for antibiotics, right?"
Frasier: (heading to the bedroom, glowering) Niles, will you help me unpack Dad's things?
Niles: (giggling uncontrollably) "Frasier has a little man-problem!"
Frasier: Shut up or I'll give you a "little man-problem!"
Frasier and Niles have a genuinely heartfelt conversation that they aren't ready to lose their father just yet. Niles, audibly choked up, says it would be hard to come into Frasier's apartment and see Martin's chair empty. Frasier quickly clarifies that if Martin did die, the chair would be pitched out day one.
Martin confesses to Ronee he suffered a heart attack. She's less than impressed.
Ronee: And that's it? No surgery, home the next day. That's a bee sting. (Beat) Did they use the paddles?
Martin: No.
Ronee: Well, talk to me after they've used the paddles.
Martin: (mix of awe and shock) You had the paddles?
Ronee: Let's just say I didn't have the best lipo guy.
The end of the episode, when Martin has a terse, passive-aggressive argument with Ronee, and when it's settled they realize that during the argument he proposed to her and she accepted.
Ronee: Look, after all that build up, I just thought it would be something bigger, all right? Like you were gonna break up with me or pop the question or something. And FYI, the next time you're in the hospital, I would appreciate a phone call if it's not too much trouble.
Martin: Fine! And FYI I'm not breakin' up with you.
Ronee: Well, I know that now.
Martin: And if I was gonna do that other thing, it wouldn't be here.
Ronee: What other thing?
Martin: Pop the question.
Ronee: Oh.
Martin: It'd be someplace romantic, for God's sake. Tablecloths!
Ronee: Nice.
Martin: Damn right it'd be nice. (Beat) So?
Ronee: So, what?
Martin: So what would you have said?
Ronee: Well, how should I know? You didn't ask me.
Martin: Well, so say I am now.
Ronee: What?
Martin: Asking you.
Ronee: Well, are you or are aren't you?
Martin: I am.
Ronee: Okay then.
Martin: Okay. Okay what?
Ronee: Okay I will.
Martin: Yeah?
Ronee: Yeah.
Martin: Okay.
Ronee: Okay.
(They both sit in silence and confusion as it dawns on them what just happened.)
Then Frasier and Niles hear the last thing they expect.
Frasier: Oh, maybe Dad's right. I am getting stuck in my ways. I like the way things are, I don't want them to change.
Niles: Well, don't worry, he's not going anywhere for a while.
(Martin bursts into the room)
Martin: Hey, guess what? I'm gettin' married!
(Frasier and Niles stare at each other in shock as Ronee enters)
Ronee: Well, come on boys, give your ol' mom a kiss! (pulls the Crane boys into a hug)

1117: Coots and Ladders

The Dramatic Thunder sounding off at moments so perfect, Frasier and Niles pull double-takes.
Frasier: Niles, I've committed a crime!
Niles: Don't tell me. You forgot to send the opera board a "thank you" note for the Christmas brickle.
Frasier: By God, man, it's a real crime! Punishable by law!
(At this moment, a thunderclap and a flash of lightning.)
Niles: By law?
Frasier: Of the United States of America!
(Cue another thunder clap)
And the dramatizations of Niles's conjectures of exactly what Frasier's beating himself up about.
- When Frasier notes someone parking in his reserved space, and goes down to the car park with a hammer:
  Niles: In an uncontrollable rage over the commandeering of your parking space, you took hammer to car! You are a vandal!
  (In an Imagine Spot, Frasier approaches a car... And angrily smashes in the windshield and hood with the hammer.)
- When Frasier notes his loneliness after finding a newspaper full of potential prostitutes' phone numbers:
  Niles: Don't tell me! In your desperation over being the only Crane man not to find love, you picked up that paper and did the unthinkable!
  (Cue another Imagine Spot; Frasier opens the door to a leather-clad hooker.)
  Imagine Spot!Frasier: (hungrily) Tawny LaRue, I presume.
- Immediately afterward, Frasier gets fed up with Niles' jumping to conclusions:
  Frasier: I did no such thing, you nit! (beating him with the paper) And I am telling this story!
  Niles: Very slowly! I'm beginning to think you didn't do anything!
A One Dialogue, Two Conversations moment while Frasier is looking at his elderly neighbor's tchotchkes.
Frasier: (looking at a statue, while on a ladder) I was just admiring your bust.
Opal: (Beat) Thank you!
Frasier: It might look nice a little higher.
Opal: (amused) It might look nice a lot higher, but heck, I'm 83!
Finally, Frasier reveals what it was he did: He stole from his elderly neighbour, and is wracked with guilt, and wants Niles's help.
Frasier: I have her key, we can go back and return this and be done with it!
Niles: (like a little child) I don't want to. I have excitement in my life.
Frasier insists, not trusting himself not to steal anything else.
Niles: You took a little box. I hardly think you're gonna run off on a crime spree.
Frasier: Oh, really? (he takes a handkerchief out of his pocket. Nile checks his suit pocket, to find it's empty)
Niles: (leaps to his feet) Thief! (he snatches his handerkerchief back)
Fraiser: (manic) That's right! I took it, and I liked it!
He begs Niles for help.
Niles: I don't want to get involved.
Frasier: Fine, I'll do it myself. Here, (hands Niles the box) Hold this.
Niles: (does so) What for?
Frasier: Now your prints are on it too, you have to help me!

1118: Match Game

Daphne and Niles meeting with Brad and Cindy, a pair of Granola Folk. After they're gone, Niles makes his feelings pretty succinct.
Niles: I don't like them.
Frasier, meeting Charlotte, a woman who runs a matchmaking service and assumes mistakenly he was looking for her services (having accidentally got off on the wrong floor on the way to his office). She tries giving him her card anyway.
Charlotte: For a friend?
Fraiser: I have no friends. ... (realizes what he's just said) That are in need of your services.
Frasier escapes into the elevator, where there's a woman already using it... who turns out to be someone Frasier previously struck out with, and has completely forgotten. The elevator returns to Charlotte's floor, where she patiently, and silently, waits as Frasier is reamed out by Ellie. Then, without a word, Frasier and Charlotte walk into her office, not even looking one another in the eye.
After the title card, Frasier finishes summing up his romantic history with "I am left to spin on the dating hamster wheel."
Charlotte: You like your metaphors, don't you?
Meeting up at Café Nervosa, Daphne and Niles reveal they've decided to go granola as well, with Niles having caught the Couvade Syndrome from the Granola Couple, and the Crane brothers start one-upping one another when the topic of a doula comes up.
Niles: Wait a minute, Frasier, a matchmaker? I'm surprised you'd use a professional for something as personal as your love life.
Frasier: Well, I could say the same about you and your doula.
Niles: Well, our professional comes highly recommended.
Frasier: So does my professional.
Niles: Well, ours is at the top of her field.
Frasier: So is mine.
Niles: Well, our professional charges $200 an hour.
Frasier: Mine charges 10,000. (smug grin)
(Niles stares in slack-jawed amazement)
Niles: She sounds fantastic!
As Frasier leaves, the doula (called Harvest) shows up, as Roz returns with her own coffee. Roz, who has previously had a kid before, is dubious about Daphne going drug-free in the birth.
Harvest: A natural childbirth needn't be painful.
Roz: It needn't be, but it be.
Daphne: (concerned) How painful?
Roz: Would you have a tooth pulled without Novocain?
Daphne: (worried) No.
Roz: (pretending to hold a tooth in one hand) Well, a tooth is this big.
Harvest passively-aggressively tries to quit if Daphne and Niles have cold feet, but they tell her to stay and Roz to beat it. She agrees... then yanks one of Daphne's hairs out.
Roz: Times a million!
Daphne and Niles deciding to go with a natural birth, right up until Daphne sees the video their doula brings of the couple who recommended her having a Screaming Birth of her own.
Harvest: Oh, look at Cindy glow!
Recording of Cindy: Mother of God, just kill me! (she screams again. Martin looks thoroughly squicked out)
Daphne: She seems like she's in a little pain.
Harvest: Oh, pain is just fear leaving the body.
Martin: That's a boatload of fear.
Cindy: (screams again) Stop that damn drum before I put your head through it! (screams again)
Harvest: (chortles) She laughed at that afterwards.
Daphne: I've seen enough! (turns off the video)
Harvest: Wait, wait, you'll see how Cindy pushes through the pain.
Daphne: I'm not pushing through anything! (marches Harvest over to the door) I'm having my baby the way God intended: In a hospital, numb from the waist down!
With Harvest gone, Niles is still acting like he's got sympathetic pregnancy, which is making him rub his nipples.
Daphne: And you, knock it off. You're a man, for God's sake.

1120: And Frasier Makes Three

Roz reassures Frasier that he shouldn't worry about competing with Frank, until he enters Café Nervosa, and turns out to be a rugged, Perma-Stubbled Aaron Eckhart. "You're screwed."
Frank's total obliviousness to Frasier's attempt to get with Charlotte.
Niles mocking Frasier's plan to get Charlotte.
Niles: So, what's your plan to get around him?
Frasier: I'm merely going to present myself as the anti-Frank.
Niles: Ah. So you're going to be not rugged and not handsome? Interesting.
Frasier: No.
Niles: You're also going to be not passionate and not committed.
Frasier: Very funny.
Niles: Maybe she'd like you if you were not interesting and not informed.
Frasier: Niles!
(later)
Frasier: You know what THAT means, don't you? They [Frank and Charlotte] had a long night of acrobatic make-up sex.
Niles: I just thought of another way you could be the anti-Frank!
Martin and Ronee returning from a date to find Frank sleeping on top of Frasier.
Martin: Aww, jeez...
Ronee: Well, as long as he's happy.
Frasier going to a fancy restaurant with Charlotte gets derailed by Frank popping in, forcing him to invite him to eat too. Frasier had told the Maitre'D, Georges, that he intended romance (without Charlotte knowing), leading to:
Georges: Your flowers as requested, monsieur. (noticing Frank) I'm sorry, I thought you were to be deux.
Frasier: Yes, well now we are trois. Thank you, Georges, could you bring us another glass, please.
Georges: (practically winking) Yes, I understand, monsieur. It is most sophisticated of you.

1121: Detour

First, the Mistaken Identity comedy when an extremely nervous Niles thinks a physical therapist is a stripper for Martin's bachelor party.
Niles: (nervous) Um, so, um, how, how long have you been doing what you do?
Becky: Oh, years now. At first I just did it for friends, but then I thought, "Why am I giving this away when I can make money at it?" Here are my references.
Niles: Oh, uh, I — ahem - didn't know you people had references. Let alone... (surprised) the mayor?!
Becky: Yeah. I started with him, and now I do most of the city council.
(Niles reacts.)
Then Daphne thinks Martin's bachelor party porn actress/stripper is her baby's future nanny.
Daphne: We're not expecting anything fancy. Just the basic burping, diapering, and so forth.
Amber: (thinking it's for Martin) O-kay, I guess I'm game for that!
Then Martin thinks Amber is his new physical therapist. When she comes back, she's, well, Stripperific.
Martin: (delighted) You're HIRED!
The other plot has Frasier driving Charlotte to try to catch a train. His car breaks down, and they end up in a strange rural household with a son who seems to be a budding serial killer. They're dealing with the wake for their recently deceased grandmother, whom the mother hates, for whom the father is a Momma's Boy, and the son as a... suspicious relationship to. Worse, they have to sleep in the living room with the corpse.
- First the son comes in and speak to the corpse while Frasier and Charlotte pretend to sleep.
  Jonathan: Grandma? It's Jonathan. (creepily) I just wanted to tell you that our little secret is still safe.
  (He leaves.)
  Charlotte: Well, this tops anything that would have happened at the Portland Radisson.
- Then the father enters, near tears. He manages to be creepier than his son.
  Harbin: (crying) Hi, Mama! I can't believe I'm not going to get one more hug. (leans in as if Grandma is actually speaking to him) What's that? One more? (sighs heavily, and hugs the corpse) Ohhhhh...
  (Frasier and Charlotte crack up behind him, barely able to remain silent.)
  Harbin: I better go, Mama. I'm sorry I scraped your head with my watch.
  (He leaves.)
  Frasier: You know... he said the same thing to my engine when he opened the hood.
- During The Stinger, the Mom, having hated her when she was alive as a "moocher", laughs at the corpse and basically lets it know she's glad her mother-in-law's dead.

1122: Crock Tales

In the 2002 vignette, we get this gem of Purple Prose from Niles:
Niles: Last night, Daphne and I engaged in sweet carnal delights.
(because of the way he pronounced it, though, Martin just has to ask)
Martin: Did you say "carnal" or "caramel"?
Niles is so distracted by his euphoria over the consummation (several times over, apparently) of his relationship with Daphne that he has forgotten to bring Roz a birthday present, and hastily wraps the earthenware crock that features in each of this episode's vignettes. Frasier's "Yes, I know, don't say anything" gesture to Martin as Roz unwraps the gift is priceless.
Roz: [deadpan] It's a crock. With a chipped lid, [lifts lid] and a dead bee. Thank you, Niles.
Niles: [not really listening owing to the "come hither" look Daphne has been giving him] Glad you like it.
The exchange by Daphne and Roz (who is in a dating dry spell) about Niles' prowess:
Daphne: ...and just when I thought I'd worn him out, he flips me over like a griddle cake, and off we go again!
Roz: Niles?!
Daphne: I couldn't catch me breath, it was like a marathon! I tell you, he's spoilt me for any other man.
Roz: (absolutely gobsmacked) Frasier's brother Niles?
Daphne: (giggling) And guess how he woke me up this morning?
Roz: Oh, shut up already!
- Later, Niles and Daphne decide to run to her bedroom:
  Niles: We'll be back very quickie.
  Daphne: Quickly!
  Niles: Quickly.
- Leading to this reaction:
  Martin: You don't think they're gonna...?
  Frasier: Oh, I have no idea. Try not to think about it.
  (at that moment, the Cinco de Mayo fireworks explode over the skyline)
  Roz: Wow, he really is good.
The 1999 vignette opens with Frasier in costume as Uncle Sam for the KACL 4th of July parade float, telling Martin to wear the remote headphones he bought him so that he doesn't have to hear the baseball games Martin watches. Martin insists that Frasier deliver this instruction in character...
Frasier: [handing Martin the headphones] Dad, I bought you these headphones so that I wouldn't be subjected to your sports drivel! Please put them on!
Martin: All right, I will. But only if you say it.
[Frasier is halfway to the kitchen; his shoulders sag in dismay, but he decides that if this is what it takes...]
Frasier: [turns and points to Martin in imitation of the famous World War I recruitment poster◊] I WANT YOU... to wear those headphones! [Martin laughs]
Daphne, dressed in clashing polyester for an "ugly American" party with her English friends, and Niles, asking if "Uncle Sam" didn't just hand him a mattress sale flier, are about to leave with Frasier when he notices the bunting on his balcony is askew, but as they go out to fix it, the door handle comes off in Daphne's hand, locking them outside. Martin can't hear them through his headphones, while when Roz arrives (in costume as Betsy Ross), she goes straight out onto the balcony to watch a Blue Angels fly-by and gets locked out as well. Neither Roz nor Frasier have their phones, so Niles begins digging in his blazer pockets. Just as he finds his phone, Daphne exclaims that the heat is too much (she is wearing layers of polyester, after all) and starts stripping off; as this vignette takes place while Niles was still pining for Daphne, he immediately replaces his phone in his pocket.
In the 1998 vignette, it's after Frasier had been fired from KACL. Daphne is bowing and scraping to Frasier, fearing an out-of-work Frasier will fire her. When she thinks she's going to be fired, she unloads a classic vitriolic "The Reason You Suck" Speech:
Daphne: After all I've done to save you money! I'm washing my face with dish soap while you're out buying imported bath salts like a big rich girl! I hope you rot in debtors' prison!
In the 1996 vignette, set when Niles and Maris were still married, we get a vintage joke about her neurotic nature:
Niles: [entering from the corridor to Frasier's bedroom in a huff] Well. I finally got Maris calmed down. [picks up a glass of champagne from the bookshelf] I hope you're happy!
Frasier: All I said was, "Maris, why the long face?"
Niles: Yes - and now she's on the phone to her chin grinder in Zurich.
Roz' arrival heralds both an explanation of how the crock entered Frasier's life and a nod to the Roz-Niles snark of the series' early years:
Martin: Hey, you hungry, Roz? There's cheese here! [lifts the lid off the crock] Oh... nobody opened it!
Frasier: Dear God, Dad, that's... three years old, throw it out!
Martin: No, it'll be fine! You sure you don't want any? [reads the label on the underside] The label says it's "famously spreadable"!
Niles: Funny, Roz, doesn't your label say the same thing?
Roz: [smiling thinly] What does yours say, Niles - "May cause drowsiness"!?
In the 1993 vignette, Frasier (with his long hair during Season 1) reacts to the cheese Martin bought:
Frasier: Dear God, it looks like someone melted down a highway cone.
Then Kenny Daly appears — as a pizza delivery boy! Frasier slams the door in his face.

1123: Goodnight Seattle, Part 1

The Crane Event Planning Luck strikes one last time with Martin and Ronee's wedding, due to a combination of a heatwave, a truck crash, Eddie eating some pate, and Daphne's brothers being allowed near a cannon. And then Daphne goes into labor while taking Eddie to the vets to get the wedding rings out of his stomach.

1124: Goodnight Seattle, Part 2

When Frasier replaces Martin's chair with a designer Eames chair^notewhich run about $7500, Martin gives this line:
Martin: Mmmm, well this is pretty comfortable. I would have been okay with this!
(Frasier reacts with an indescribable expression, a mix of anger, shock, and We Could Have Avoided All This.)

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