- From "Are You Being Served?", five words: the "hot and foamy" scene.
- The build-up is comedy gold, as Frasier and Niles gradually discover exactly WHAT their mother was writing about in her journal....
- Also the bit where Frasier, Daphne, and Martin meet Niles' new dog...who, it is painfully obvious to everyone except Niles, is a four-legged doppelganger for Maris—down to the ridiculously aloof and spoiled personality (and the fact that Niles seems emasculated to slave status). After an involved and multi-layered sequence where Frasier, Martin and Daphne can only stare wide-eyed at the spectacle...
Daphne: Am I the only one -
Daphne: Does Dr. Crane have any idea?
- Martin's message to future generations, as Niles records with a video camera. He can't resist trolling:
Martin (into the camera)
: My name is Martin Crane. When I made this tape, I was sixty-four years old. But now
...(bulging eyes) I'm dead...! (Niles slumps) Martin
in a box
, underground...! Pretty scary
, huh...?! (Evil Laugh) Niles
: (Stops recording)
Dad, surely you must have some
message you want to leave for the Cranes of the twenty-first century—?! Martin
: Alright, alright, I do.... (To camera, as Niles resumes)
Remember to always work hard...and that family comes first. (Play-squirms, sighs)
And...I have a million bucks
...in unmarked bills...that I took off a drug dealer, that I have stashed in my old army foot locker. The combination is Left 15...Right 32...Le— (Beat, starts "choking"...and collapses in his chair.) Niles (focusing the camera on himself):
Future generations... see what I had to put up with?
- The "bull painting" incident, leading to Frasier, Martin, and Niles having an epic cryfest....
- Niles's cockatoo has an amazing gift for latching onto the wrong dialogue.
Cockatoo: AWK! Stuff it, Niles.
Niles: Ohhhhh don't tempt me.
- In the episode, "The Candidate", Frasier endorses a candidate for congress, calling him 'the sane choice. Later, that candidate (Phil Paterson) reveals to Frasier that he believes he was abducted by aliens. In a few weeks, a scandal goes out about Paterson having illegal aliens working for him. Frasier believes that it has been made public that Paterson believes in actual aliens. He attempts to remedy the public's doubt by talking about it on his radio show, only for him to blow the whole 'alien abduction' thing public, too.
- From "Death Becomes Him", the scene where, after spending an entire episode worrying about his mortality, including getting Martin and Niles little labels to put on the things they want bequeathed to them, Frasier finally calms down after a late-night talk with Martin. Just as they're heading off to bed... Martin mentions there's something on Frasier's robe. He checks, and with the utmost air of disgust... "Niles." (Niles had also earlier tried to trick Frasier out of pouring from a certain bottle of wine because he wanted it.)
Frasier: The vultures are circling...
- Any time Frasier and Niles try to be like "normal folk" (when they're not being insufferable asses).
- Martin has announced that he is going on a date with a lady who lives in the same building as them. Niles gets this little grin on his face, and Martin, without turning around, snaps "Niles, wipe that ridiculous little smirk off your face!"
- The "Nightmare Inn!" fiasco from "Ham Radio", especially the improvised ending.
- This bit:
Frasier: Why, yes, Miss Thorndyke, it appears to be (cues organ music, but calliope music comes out instead) the ice cream truck! But never mind that (everybody starts dumping papers from the script)
- Roz was supposed to play a woman with a sexy, exotic accent. However, earlier in the day, she had an emergency dentist appointment, and her mouth was numb from Novocaine. Everything came out a very slurred, muddled, Elmer Fudd-like mess, and it only got worse when she had to attempt the phrase, "Multiple murderer."
- "Look out! He's got a nug!"
- "And one final bullet for myself, so the secret dies with me! *bang* Ha."
- Gil's refusal to let his character die until he's finished delivering his line. When Frasier finally outdoes him in narrative, he returns to complete it as his long lost brother, and then the ice cream man from earlier.
- Daphne helped with rehearsal and is waiting to listen to the Whodunnit with Martin.
Daphne: I already know the plot but I'll try not to blurt out the name of the murderer.
Martin: Great, as a cop I hated it when people did that.
Daphne: This is turning into a bloodbath!
Martin: See, this is why I prefer television. You want to see that sort of stuff.
- Due to anxiety issues leading to overeating (and because the actress was pregnant) Daphne has become very fat. She falls over and hurts her ankle and it takes the three Crane men (Frasier, Niles and Martin) to lift her off the floor...
Martin: "Hey Daphne, I just realized something! It took three Cranes to lift you!"
- Made hilarious by the innocent way Martin delivers the joke, clearly believing she'll be amused. She isn't.
- In "An Affair to Forget", one of Frasier's call-in patients puts him on the trail of a possible affair between Maris and her fencing instructor, Gunter. One can't-keep-his-mouth-shut moment later, Niles is leaping to conclusions and challenging the man to a duel. Here's the entire scene.
- From "Mixed Doubles", Daphne's latest boyfriend turns out to be an eerie doppelganger of Niles (to his immense frustration).
- Earlier, when Daphne is introducing the doppelganger to Frasier and Martin, Martin gets a call from Duke:
- This part is pretty self-explanatory:
Blaine: Now now, he has every right to be up here. He is one of God's creatures.
Frasier (defensively): I am no such thing!
- The climax of the episode "Dark Side of the Moon". As the other characters are captivated and horrified by the four-car pile-up caused by Daphne's Slight-Induced Rant, including Daphne herself, a miffed, cold-ridden and completely oblivious Frasier walks by and says "Fine! I guess I'll just have to make my OWN teeeeeeaaaa!"
- Frasier's pirate accent in "Roz's Turn".
Frasier: (salty pirate voice) When my shipmates and I pull into port after several weeks at sea, the first thing we do is...
Niles: (into mic, imitating Frasier's accent) ...head for the antique sale, arrr!
- There's a Christmas-time delivery mixup between Frasier and a Mr. Franklin Crane who lives on the other side of the continent. The educational toy Frasier had picked out months ago has gone to the wrong address:
Frasier: (aghast) Do you know what this means?!
Niles: (ready to laugh) Yes. The Cranes in Maine have got your Living Brain!
- From "Caught in the Act"
- Martin and Eddie's dreams in the episode "Freudian Sleep." Of course, since Martin sang a rather catchy tune in his dream, this is equal parts CMOF and Crowning Music of Awesome.
- There's also the way Martin allayed the other three characters' tension about their nightmares:
Blah blah blah. (To Daphne)
Afraid you're going to lose your looks? Happens to everyone. (To Frasier)
Afraid you're going to end up alone? You'll still have your family. (To Niles)
Afraid you're going to be a bad father? Join the club
. Now clam it up and go to sleep. Niles: I'm starting to regret inviting him up here
- This exchange in the middle of a crowded coffee shop. Too Much Information at its finest:
Frasier: You know, you're jealous. You're jealous that I'm having sex. Jealous that I'm having hot, passionate, sweaty jungle sex. What are you having?
[he doesn't notice the waitress behind him]
Niles: I'm having a latte.
- A similar situation occurs in "The Impossible Dream," where Frasier is plagued by a recurring homo-erotic dream about Gil. After talking it out with Niles he thinks he's resolved the issue causing him to have the dream, and declares loudly:
Frasier: Thank God! Tonight I can sleep peacefully knowing there'll be no motel room, no tequila bottle and no naked man in my bed!
[Sees the waitress standing behind him]
Frasier: So then, the rabbi says...
- The whole last third of "The Innkeepers" (The One Where Frasier and Niles buy a restaurant). It becomes a perfect storm of pratfalls, squabbling, and humiliation. The minute details they mull over in the second third are even better after watching the whole episode. Their snobbish reaction when they realized they thought of the perfect name: Les Frères Heureux.
Niles: "It's friendly, inviting, yet just difficult enough to pronounce to intimidate the riffraff!"
- Want to see a magnificent actor ham it Up to Eleven ? Watch Sir Derek Jacobi on the stage in "The Show Must Go Off." Or even better, the end of this scene.
- Frasier asks Noel Shempski to translate his blessing for Freddie's bar mitzvah into Hebrew, and promises to get Scott Bakula's autograph in return. When he fails to do so, Noel gets revenge by translating the blessing into Klingon instead.
- Frasier did apologize to Noel by sending him Joan Collins' wig from "The City on the Edge of Forever". Noel has a Nerdgasm, but Roz doesn't get it, saying, "A wig? That's cruel, even for Frasier!"
- "SPELL HIS ASS OFF!!!"
- The entire spelling bee episode playing up "The Bee" for maximum melodrama as though it's a Samurai Code or something. Especially the "legend" of Niles Crane.
- One word: "VENEER!"
- Lilith and Bebe both tend to fill the Sit Com Arch Nemesis role, and the regular cast get lots of excellent quips from it.
- Such as this (which wasn't actually about Lilith - Niles simply leapt to that conclusion):
Frasier: She's back! The scourge of my existence!
Niles: Strange, I usually get some sign when Lilith is in town: dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the walls...
- Or this for Bebe:
Roz: It's not like she worships the devil!
Frasier: Well, she doesn't have to; he worships HER!
- And when Lilith hits them right back:
Lilith: Congratulations, Frasier, you've done it again. You've led another unsuspecting innocent down one of your dark, dead-end Freudian hallways.
Frasier: Well, Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line. This is my ex-wife, Lilith.
Lilith: (perplexed) What do you mean, "celebrity"?
Frasier: (darkly) Oh, they know you.
Lilith: I'm here for a convention, and I happened to hear your voice on the radio. I kept hoping you'd introduce Pearl Jam's latest hit, but much to my chagrin, you were doling out worthless little advice pellets from your psychiatric Pez dispenser.
- The scene in Bebe's hotel room from "The Devil and Dr. Phil".
- From the episode "Crock Tales," we get this gem:
Niles: Last night, Daphne and I engaged in sweet carnal delights.
(because of the way he pronounced it, though, Martin just has to ask)
Martin: Did you say "carnal" or "caramel"?
- The entire second half of "Ski Lodge," topped off by Frasier's perfect summation: "Let me see if I can get this straight. All the lust coursing through this lodge tonight, all the hormones virtually ricocheting off the walls, and no one...was chasing me? See you at breakfast." Ironically, the Dumb Blonde Frasier was lusting after changed her mind about him - but he missed her.
- Frasier blasting a listener whose "problem" is he can't decide what to name his luxury yacht:
Frasier: Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now... I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.
- Niles's "flour child." Especially funny when it gets run through with a sword, drop-kicked into the reflecting pool, and eaten by Eddie.
Niles: A real child would have cried before it burst into flames.
- And Eddie ripping the 'flour child' apart in puffs of flour as Daphne looks mildly on and declares in an Australian accent, "'At dingo's got yer baby..."
- In "Murder Most Maris", Frasier (in a horrified-sounding voice) milking the fact that he was "recently—PUNCHED in the face...by a man now dead!" to distract from an argument is pretty funny. The fact that it works is even funnier. That he does it twice more through the episode and it works every single time? Crowning Moment.
- From "To Tell the Truth":
That's it. I've lost. Maris has won...Niles never wins! Niles always loses! That why Niles lives in the Shangri-La and drives a HATCHBACK!
- From "Frasier's Imaginary Friend":
Frasier: I AM NOT CRAZY! I am dating a supermodel zoologist, whom I stole away from a professional football player, and she is off to the Galapagos Islands to artificially inseminate iguanas! Now is that so hard to believe?!
- And when said supermodel-zoologist storms away in disgust at his efforts to prove such...Frasier takes the "glass half-full" view, as he swaggers past the gang, turns to them, and smirks, "Well...! Whadaya think o' me now...?"
- From "Cheerful Goodbyes," Phil (played by Phil Perlman, Rhea's father) stands up to offer a toast.
Phil: I just wanna thank you Cliff, for all the great times we had at Cheers.
Cliff: You were always there for me, Al.
Phil: I'm Phil. Al's been dead for fourteen years, ya dumb son of a bitch!
- Frasier, after sleeping with Roz.
Frasier: I seem to recall the word 'stallion-like'!
Roz: I never said stallion.
Frasier: Well, one of us did!
- "Dinner Party", the entire episode is one long string of Crowning Moments building up to future Crowning Moments. To recap some of them:
- The brothers agree they can each black ball three guests they don't want at the titular party. When Frasier throws in a fourth ball, Niles catches on and reaches into the bowl.
Nile: This is a dried-up old fig!
Frasier: So is Lucy Cromwell, I don't want her at my party.
- They call the Walburts to invite them, but when Mrs. Walburt doesn't hang up properly they overhear her saying it doesn't matter which "Dr. Crane" invited them, "you get the one you get that other one. Personally I think the whole thing is a little..."
- At first, Niles tries to pass it off as a compliment.
Frasier: Oh? Is there a good end to that sentence?! "Personally, I think the whole thing is a little charming"?!
- Cue the pair arguing over who's "the one" and who's "that other one".
Frasier: Perhaps she has a point. Ever since your divorce you have become more and more attached to me. Maybe that's why she said what she said.
Frasier: You get Frasier, you get that Niles!
Niles: She didn't say that. She said "you get the one, you get that other one." What makes you think that you're the one and I'm that other one?!
Frasier: I am the one giving the party, and you are that other one!
Niles: I'm the one that invited her, so that makes you that other one!
later, after some more arguing
Niles: This is absurd! Why don't we just call Allison up and ask her what she thinks is so strange about us? We can both get her on an extension.
Frasier: Great idea, Niles! Better yet, why don't we just get on a bicycle built for two, ride over there and ask her what she thinks is so strange about us!
- It culminates in this:
Why is Joaquin on such a strict diet? Frasier:
Because the Joaquin they're bringing to dinner is... their foster child! From a tiny village on the pampas. He speaks no English and he gets nauseated when he eats American food! Niles: So, he's not the conductor of the Buenos Aires Philharmonic? Frasier: (beat) Oh, you are SO "that other one"!
- They ask Martin:
Dad, do you think we're odd? (beat) Martin:
No, you're not odd. You're just "special". Your mother told me that when you were kids and I still believe it.
- This also sets up The Stinger when Martin tells the two about two eccentric brothers who shared a New York apartment and built a maze out of newspapers that one got lost in and died. After bidding farewell to Niles, Frasier takes a stack of newspapers out for recycling.
- Frasier summing up their condition when their favorite guests have to cancel.
Niles: So where does that leave us?
Frasier: Well, let's see... we have a third-rate caterer with a record, a couple of lushes, a couple who think we're both nutcases, an Argentine wild child and Roz! (throws down list) Dinner is served!
- The party plans become such a disaster that Niles has no choice but to black ball himself.
- The B-story features Daphne and Roz going to an embassy ball. A stain on one of the dresses forces them to deal with who will wear the elegant Little Black Dress and who will wear the more... suggestive dress. Predictably, guess who wears the latter dress?
Daphne: Doesn't she look beautiful!
Roz: (extremely annoyed) Oh, shut it, Daphne! I know you think I look like a hooker.
Daphne: No, I said it made me look like a hooker. On you... well, it works!
- Diane's first appearance on Frasier, despite being an Imagine Spot:
- "The Show Where Diane Comes Back" featuring a pretentious stage version of Cheers with Diane as Mary Anne. Words do not do it justice.
- Diane giggling in delight at her own jokes (which she actually stole from Norm) was the icing on the cake. And Frasier's speech is just epic, especially his delivery of "bony fingers!"
So drink hearty
, Franklin, and LAUGH! Because you have made a pact
—with BEELZEBUB!!! AND HER NAME IS MARY ANNE!!! (Actors applaud)
- Frasier's reaction when he finds out Diane is back is also priceless. It is so ridiculously over the top.
- A subtler moment from the end of the episode has Frasier walk out the bar door, only to come out after a beat, realizing it's a stage door that doesn't go anywhere.
Frasier (abashed): Force of habit.
Diane: I've been doing it all week!
- "Shrink Rap":
Niles: How dare you try to steal my group!
Frasier: I don't need your group! I've got a group of my own, half a million strong!
Niles: Oh yes, your legions! Why don't you rent a farm, pass out the body paint and call it FrasierStock!
- From "The Voyage of the Damned", where Frasier, Roz and Niles are trapped hiding in the bathroom of Maris's suite:
Roz: It's ok, I think she's gone....Oh wait! I see her coat on the hat-rack.
Frasier: Look closer, is the hat-rack moving?
Roz: Oh my GOD!!
- During Frasier's feud with Cam Winston, one of his victories is getting Cam restricted from parking his SUV in the parking garage by arguing it pollutes.
Oh, get off your high horse. You do your fair share of polluting with that substitute for masculinity
you're driving. Frasier:
If mine's a substitute for masculinity then what is yours? Cam:
- "Roz and the Schnoz" is one of the funniest episodes in the series as well, when Roz finds out the grandparents of her unborn child have gigantic noses - and they are completely oblivious to the fact, which leaves everyone in stitches when they're not watching. Especially when they keep dropping unintentional Puns like how their dogs were schnauzers.
Paula: Do you mind if I ask? Is this homemade or store-bought?
Steve: Honey, don't ask that! Pardon my wife, sometimes she gets a little nosey.
Paula: Me nosey? You're the nosey one in the family.
Steve: Anyone who knows you knows you're nosey!
Paula: Anyone who knows you knows you're nosier!
(At this point, Niles, Daphne and Martin are mightily struggling to keep from collapsing in laughter. Even Frasier finally cracks and guffaws in the kitchen.)
- Frasier tries to console Roz, but she says what everyone is probably thinking:
You know Roz, in spite of a rather shaky beginning, I think this evening's turned out rather well. Roz:
Oh yeah, and you were absolutely right, Frasier. Now I can see some of the qualities my baby can have. A great sense of humor... a sweet disposition... a nose like an ANTEATER!
- Finally, Roz gets some relief that Rick, the father, had a normal nose. Then she learns that Rick broke his nose in a hockey accident, and had plastic surgery to fix it. Steve and Paula give her a picture of Rick from before the surgery. After they leave, Roz's reaction to the picture is predictable:
Roz: Oh my GOD!
Frasier: Oh, come on, Roz! It can't be that bad, let me have a look!
Roz: No, no way, no! I'll never hear the end of it!
(Roz shows Frasier the photos. He looks... and quickly shows them to Niles and Daphne. They stare.)
Niles: (awed) Where is the end of it?
- After everything's been settled, Daphne still Trolls Roz:
Roz: Oh, I just felt a kick.
Daphne: You sure it wasn't a sneeze?
Raz: (amiably) Ha. ha.
- Also, Martin's failed excursion to San Francisco, as he tells Frasier:
Aw, Frisco was a bust! All our watering holes are gone, the steakhouse is a sushi bar! And then this morning me and Duke decide to go for a walk. We pass by City Hall, and there's some sort of gathering, kinda like a pep rally. Well, some official guy up front says something we didn't hear, and next thing you know, everyone's throwing rice, and all the men are kissing each other
, and all the women are kissing each other
, and I'm not sure but I think Duke and I may be married
- Frasier and Niles have asked two women they've just met to come away for the weekend, but they're not sure if the women think everything's purely platonic:
These women are inscrutable as sphinxes! Frasier:
Yes, they've got us into some most veiled, cloaked, cryptic messages. Can't they just give us one clear signal?! Beth:
Well, I'm going to bed. Niles, are you coming? [Beat
Curse these infernal riddles!
- One of Niles' most magnificent brotherly putdowns, in an episode where he's been bragging about the new apartment complex he's living in:
Frasier: I don't think this building can be as exclusive as you said. Your doorman just waved me right through.
Niles: Well, he recognised you.
Frasier: (preening) Oh! A fan of my show?
Niles: No. He lives in your building.
- This scene from the episode where Frasier goes into private practice.
- In one of the episodes where Lilith comes back, and Martin knocks on the front door and asks Frasier in a bad whisper- "Is the witch gone yet?" and sees her over Frasier's shoulder. "Oh, Lilith! I was just asking Frasier- is my twitch gone yet?" Complete with very bad fake facial tic. To which Lilith only deadpans, "Skillfully done, Martin."
- The episode where Lilith reveals that she's getting remarried. Everyone stares at her for a moment until she clarifies that it's to someone other than Frasier. Martin then throws his cane aside and staggers halfway across the room to hug her. This is probably the fastest he's ever moved on the show.
- The episode where Frasier encourages everyone to celebrate the leap year by taking a chance. Martin mentions how Daphne is always talking about wanting to change her hairstyle and then proceeds to imitate her accent. In addition to being hilarious, it's just so....weird. Doubly so because John Mahoney is British!
- Speaking of that episode—some of the most hilarious moments of the entire show are in this episode, from Roz gushing about a guy she met on a bus on the air (and her freak-out when she realizes what she just said)...to the snowball gag of Niles's exponentially increasing libido, after having gone for months without sex.
"NILES GOTTA HAVE IT!"
- Daphne's reaction to her awful haircut, urged by Frasier:
Daphne: (sobbing) Take a leap! Mr. Maurice hair-designer! Trust me! Children pointing! Your fault!
- Even more hilarious, Niles thinks her hideously mangled haircut is hot, moaning, "Will these infernal temptations never end?!"
- Finally...after everybody else's "Leap Day" plans get shot to hell, Frasier backs out of singing an aria for a PBS drive and falls back on his ""Buttons & Bows"" routine... without rehearsing.
Let's all go to a taco show! Mebby hawd and beddy hose, something and something and buttons and bows!
- "WHO WATCHES PBS?!....I'll tell you who..."
- Quite a bit of the episode "The Focus Group". Of the twelve random citizens called in to give their opinion of The Dr. Frasier Crane Show, eleven are positive: one man says, "I don't like it... I don't like him." It digs at Frasier, who can't let it go. He spots the man (a news-stand owner) while driving Martin and Niles to dinner and insists on going over in person to quiz him. Martin covers his face, while Niles watches - fascinated in a horrified kind of way:
He's crushed the gentleman's hand... and appears to have commandeered his newsstand. Martin (resignedly):
Uh-huh. (moments later) Niles:
Oh, my God. Frasier's set his newsstand on fire. Martin (with no change of posture):
- The moment in "Boo" when Frasier - tired of being the butt of Martin's practical jokes - retaliates by pretending to leave the apartment, dressing in a clown outfit, hiding in the bathroom and then leaping out with a meat cleaver in hand when Martin passes by...causing Martin to promptly collapse with a heart attack and have to be rushed to hospital.
- Followed by meeting the screaming coulrophobic patient who was the inspiration for the outfit.
- The last straw.
Frasier: Niles, look at yourself.
(Niles glances down at his naked self.)
Niles: Hello! (to Frasier) I think I'm having that dream where I'm naked at Nervosa!
Frasier: I think a lot of people are having that dream.
- A side arc in "She's The Boss" revolves around Niles trying to get a gun for defense, as the security at his house is screwing up. The second time he appears, he's bought a starter's pistol, and while explaining to Martin that it gives Maris a sense of safety, he accidentally fires it. Frasier (who's been spending the entire scene trying to get some sleep) runs out of his room freaking out about what just happened.
Martin: Niles bought a starter's pistol.
Niles: And there's no need to get snippy, accidents happen, you know.
Frasier: I'm sorry, was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be GUNPLAY IN MY LIVING ROOM!
- In the same, Frasier is once again forced to sleep days, and Eddie - who is wearing a protective dog collar - starts barking upstairs at the dog who injured him. This causes Frasier to explode as well.
Frasier: I asked you to keep that dog quiet and instead you OUTFIT HIM WITH A MEGAPHONE!
- And the end credits where Martin is having trouble with the TV, so Daphne puts Eddie on it to fix the reception.
- When Frasier rages at Daphne with incredibly misogynistic insults, Martin marvels at Daphne for keeping her cool. She calmly says that it's part of her job. However, she calls Eddie to take a walk with a very loud whistle, causing Frasier to scream in pain offscreen.
- Also from that episode, Frasier's...raunchy broadcast.
Frasier: In other words, WHO WANTS TO TALK ABOUT SEX? Sex, sex, sex sex sex sex sex!
- While Roz laces up her leather bustier, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL, all talk, all night, all naked!
- Also the part where Frasier starts stripping in the booth:
Roz: While Dr. Crane strips, our new station manager would like to know if you prefer to be the spanker or the spankee?
Caller: Oh, definitely the spanker.
Frasier: Well, then hop in a cab! I'm not wearing any pants! [swings them above his head as Roz whoops]
- From "Halloween". Niles is on the phone with Maris as Frasier and Daphne pretend to be Merry Olde English lovers, to Niles' consternation.
Daphne: Join me in my bedchamber, my lord?
Frasier: After you, my juicy wench!
Niles: "My juicy wench"?! (into phone) No, no, not you, Maris! Wait, wait! (to Frasier) I hope you're happy, she's run for her water pills!
- In "Shrink Rap", Frasier and Niles start a clinic together. After they get on each other's nerves too much, they walk out from the therapy session they're holding to have a discussion outside, and we get this gem:
Niles: I'm warning you, Frasier, I have made a fist and I am thinking of using it!
Frasier: You are not scaring me—the thumb goes on the outside, Niles!
- Frasier's deliciously hammy reaction after buying a sound system with gigantic speakers for Martin.
Frasier: My God ... it's Stonehenge.
- "Dr. Crane, your glockenspiel has sprung to life!"
- The opening scene from "Frasier Grinch" where Frasier tries to read a fable on the air while the office Christmas party is going on. It's better than it sounds.
- When Lilith visits to announce her next husband left her... for a man.
Niles: Damn, I owe dad $5.
- "Frasier Has Spokane":
- Daphne, now a member of the Crane family, shows she's really a member by throwing a dinner party. You can see where we're going here...
- Only Frasier could take a simple request for a pre-show jingle and turn it into this.
- Almost everything about the episode "The Doctor is Out".
- Shortly before, when the techno blares out in full force, Frasier starts bobbing to the beat.
- Patrick Stewart giving a nice twist on the Gaydar trope—in that his character is himself gay. His reaction to Niles being married to Daphne:
Sir Patrick: No.
Niles: Oh, we're expecting!
Sir Patrick: Can't say I was...!
- Then you have Alistair inviting Frasier to a party and to watch an opera rehearsal. Niles has stood up and is pining to be taken, too.
I would love that. Let me just grab my coffee. Good-bye, Dad. (mocking)
Niles. Niles: (jealous)
Did you see
that? I would kill
to go to that party. (pouts)
I was at that gay bar too, you know. Martin: (annoyed)
Let's see: one of my sons just got picked up by a guy. My other son is jealous. Yep, life is good.
- Daphne says she fantasizes about being a buddy of Peter O'Toole. When everyone is invited to Alistair's party:
- Frasier and Alistair are tangoing, very closely, as Frasier tries to "break up" with him.
I want to thank you for waiting. Frasier: (nervous)
Oh no, the waiting was good, I enjoyed the waiting. Alistair: (hungrily)
Oh, me too
! How it sharpens the appetite. (holds Frasier closer)
How it builds! The intensity, the heat, the desire! Can you feel it?! Frasier: (horrified) Oh yes, there it is!
- Followed by this:
Glinka: Don't they make a stunning couple?
Niles: (barely bursting from laughing) I'm more stunned by them each day.
- The episode ends on Frasier "breaking up" with Alistair, with this corker of an exchange.
Alistair: Would you mind staying tonight until my other guests have gone? I'd hate my friends to think I've been jilted.
Frasier: Of course.
Alistair: It won't be very late. Around about 3:00 it's down to the core crowd, and we'll all relax and unwind.
Servant: It's after midnight, sir. Shall I fire up the hot tub?
Frasier: I'm afraid I don't have a bathing suit.
Alistair: (smiling) Then you'll fit right in.
(Frasier's smile freezes as the implications dawn on him.)
- In "The First Temptation of Daphne", a particularly noisy cricket invades the apartment.
Frasier: Dear god, can't you make him shut up!?
Martin: That prayer doesn't get answered around here.
- In "The Apparent Trap", Niles is going to say goodbye to Freddy and finds him playing a PS2. Freddy gets him to play and everything afterwords is pure gold.
Freddy: That's your guy, you've just escaped from an intergalactic maximum-security prison pod.
Niles: Like they could hold me.
[Niles immediately dies by falling over in the training level.]
- He then spends the entire episode failing at the game, and when Lilith comes through to talk to him, she takes the controller and starts playing. Extremely well.
- At the instant when Lilith enters the room, the game character screams.
- After a mishap concerning getting out of paying for a parking garage he didn't use, Frasier rushes back to KACL in time to finish his show. Unfortunately, Roz, in her attempts to fill in for him, unintentionally told everyone that she slept with Frasier. When asked about what happened during "the incident", Frasier describes the parking garage incident instead.
"Well, it certainly wasn't my finest hour. I got in, realized I made a mistake and then tried like hell to get out. There was a lot of shouting and then a line started to form behind me. You'd be surprised how long 20 minutes can be when you're watching the clock. Fortunately, my brother was there to serve as moral support, and (let's face it) someone to talk to. At least, in the end, I got out of there without paying the four dollars."
- There's an absolutely hysterical Funny Background Event at the end of "The Proposal". Daphne has just accepted Niles' proposal after Frasier has surreptitiously ushered out the musicians, waiters and angels who he and Niles had hired to make it memorable. A man with a trumpet walks out of the bedroom upstairs, about to play a fanfare as Daphne and Niles embrace... And Frasier tackles him back into the room.
- Martin's date in "Out with Dad". Especially when he pretends Niles is his boyfriend.
- Then you have this exchange of insults when Niles tries to get Frasier to give his opera ticket to Mel.
Every restaurant in town's been booked for weeks. I ran into Archie Wilfong today. He told me he had to settle for two seats at the counter at "The Salad Experience!" What would you suggest I do? Frasier: (angrily)
Bring your own wine and order the Spicy Caesar! Niles: (Death Glare)
May your opera box be full of cellophane crinklers and the stage swarming with standbys!
- From "Moon's Over Seattle"
Frasier: Hey dad how was work?
Martin: Oh, great. I finally busted that guy who was writing "Seymour Butz" on the sign-out sheets.
Frasier: So who was it?
Martin: Senior Vice-President Butz. I'm on probation for a week.
- From "Dr. Nora", three words: "YOU LITTLE WHORE!!!" The Stunt Casting makes it even better, since Nora's mother is played by Piper Laurie, an actress whose best-known role involves slut-shaming her daughter.
So, you thought you could get away from me, did you? Thought you could leave me to rot in that dump without barely enough cash for a bottle of Mateus
! You'll pay for that, missy! Roz: (jumping for joy)
I was wrong, Frasier. Your way is
- The third act of "Frasier Crane's Day Off", in which Frasier returns to his studio drugged to the gills on prescription drugs because he believes that Niles is trying to steal his radio slot, and chaos ensues. As Niles put it:
Niles: [as security chase Frasier past the booth] Bravo, Frasier, for so brilliantly demonstrating why they call it "dope"!
- Martin making no attempt whatsoever to hide his notice of Diane's facial tic, especially John Mahoney's delivery of "There it is again!"
- From "How to Bury a Millionaire", Niles' guided tour of his new apartment in the Shangri-La, especially the 'master bedroom' and the heavy hints as to what became of its last tenant.
- "The Two Mrs. Cranes": the Snowball Lie. Once Martin is clued into it, he starts screwing with everyone. The web of lies becomes so messy, everyone has to pause before deciding it's safe to give Eddie's name.
- Not to mention the beautiful punchline to the entire thing.
Daphne: We're not the horrible people you think we are!
Frasier: Yes! The truth is - we've been lying to you all night!
- And there's also Niles' elated giggle after Daphne introduces him as her husband.
- Martin amuses himself and spites his sons by claiming he used to be an astronaut.
Clive: Although, Daphne, I noticed in the phone book your surname still is Moon.
Niles: That must be an old book. Now she hyphenates; it's Moon-Crane.
Martin: (wistfully) I remember the first time I ever drove a moon crane. I nearly rolled it into the Sea of Tranquillity.
- Niles thinks he's high on a pot brownie and is looking forward to the munchies. His idea of the munchies is pairing a Chilean seabass with an aggressive zinfandel.
- Niles and Daphne avert the Law of Inverse Fertility. It started with her mistaking a pregnancy test for an ovulation test, then they put two and two together...
Niles: But, my slow sperm...
Daphne: I must have fast eggs.
- From "Love Bites Dog", Niles decides to advertise his practice, and gives Frasier a copy of the ad.
Frasier: All right. (reading) "Dr. Niles Crane. Jung specialist. Servicing individuals, couples, groups. Satisfaction guaranteed. Tell me where it hurts". Well thatís just excellent Niles. All youíre missing now is a very tasteful cartoon of you smiling brightly and holding a shrunken head!
Niles: Sorry I didnít hear you. I was too distracted by your face going by on the side of a bus.
- Of course, the ad company accidentally prints an "H" in place of the "J" in "Jung". Hilarity Ensues.
"Dr. Niles Crane. Hung specialist." (beat)
Oh my. Niles:
The rest of it was surprisingly accurate. "Servicing individuals, couples... groups..." (beat)
"Satisfaction guaranteed"... (looks at Frasier with some consternation)
"Tell me where it hurts " Frasier:
Any calls? Niles:
It's a telethon.
- In "Daphne Returns", after Niles realizes that he's been idealising Daphne too much for too long and needs to come to terms with the fact that she's flawed and human rather than put her on a pedestal, he decides to confront her insecurities head-on and demonstrate to her that he is willing to do this. Unfortunately, he decides to do this by insulting her cooking, much to her annoyance, which leads to an argument where certain other truths are revealed:
Niles: Then I don't know what you want! I can't read minds, you know! And by the way, neither can you.
Daphne: [Offended] Are you saying I'm not psychic?!
Niles: Not if you thought I loved your cooking!
- In "Mother Load: Part I", Frasier tries to get Daphne's mother and brother out of the apartment by praising the wonders of America with an inspirational speech (while in a feud with the apartment above):
"This land is rich with snow-covered mountains, sun-kissed beaches, wild, untamed rivers and a warm, loving people ready to embrace you. Immerse yourself in the spectacle and the grandeur that are these United States — this America
!" (enormous American flag unrolls over the windows directly behind him
How did you do that?
- In "Deathtrap", Frasier and Niles stumble upon a disembodied skull. Their dramatic reactions are definitely something to behold—and the camera work brings it Up to Eleven:
Niles: So...perhaps the poor fellow...met his end in some—some sort of...violent accident!
Frasier: Violent, yes... (looks up at Niles)...but an accident...?
Niles: (MAJOR pull to close-up; long pause; eyes bulge) MURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDER!!!
Frasier: MURDERRRRRRRRRRRRRR MOST FOUUUUUUUUUUUUUL!!!
- The funniest part is that the audience already knows it's a fake skull from a previous scene in Flashback showing young Frasier and Niles talking about getting it for their play, then losing it.
- Frasier giving a stripper pointers on showmanship.
- In "Dark Victory," Niles tries to go home during a blackout, but soon after comes back to the apartment gasping heavily and looking terrified.
Niles: Nineteen floors—down to my car!—Garage door's electric!—Can't open!—Twenty floors back up!—Lost count!—Bad lady upstairs!—Big dog!—Need place to die!
- In "Tales From The Crypt": The rehearsal for the "zombie" prank (especially Martin's sarcastic acting)—and the grand finale.
Frasier: (To one of the "zombie" actors) I am getting "dead" from you.... I am not getting "undead".
- In "The Show Where Sam Shows Up", Sam's fiancee admits to having sex with members of Cheers. Frasier slept with her as well, but he's afraid Sam will be upset if he found out. However, she says that she was embarrassed about sleeping with Paul (the dumpy balding barfly). Sam is... sort of... okay with that. But then:
... you? You slept with Cliff
Oh no, that's it, wedding's off
! (storms away)
Cliff - oh, God! Sheila:
Whoa... Frasier, you've got to help me. You've got to talk to him. (Frasier sits down on the couch, in full Heroic B.S.O.D.) Frasier:
I slept with a woman who slept with Cliff?!
- During The Stinger, Frasier is castigating himself, "Cliff? Cliff?! CLIFF?!?!" (You don't hear him say anything, but the lip-reading isn't too difficult.)
- In "Ain't Nobody's Business if 'I Do'", Daphne is worried about the future of her job if Martin marries Sherry, to which Niles tries to console her:
- Here's one from the episode "Frasier-Lite":
Frasier: Good team, good friends. (realizing his weight loss team is going to the birthday party to get cake) Good God! People, please, it's not worth it! It's sheet cake!
- Later, just before the final weigh-in:
: I see giant steaks with legs. Bulldog
: You're hallucinating. (slaps Noel)
Just pull it together. Kenny
: Uh, no, he's right. It's the Beef Council dancers, they're on after us. (Noel slaps Bulldog right back)
- Niles' vignette in "Three Valentines", "A Valentine for Niles." Comparisons to Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplain are not unwarranted.
- It was billed as "The funniest five minutes on television" in the ads. They're right. The only sound is the soundtrack, and it is perfect.
- John Glenn in the recording studio, while Roz and Frasier are having a discussion. The Selectively Oblivious astronaut-turned-senator goes on a spiel about his days in the space program...giving an increasingly strong implication that he and the other astronauts were told to cover up some of the things they saw up there....
- The episode where Lilith wants Frasier to "donate" so they can have another child—specifically, the moment where, after she leaves the apartment, Frasier and Martin have the discussion. While Frasier reflects on the situation, Martin absently goes off on a tangent about how Lilith has "seen what the Crane genes can do"...which leads to him speculating that if Frasier turns Lilith down, she'll go to Niles—who would in turn her down...which would lead to...
She'll go straight to the source
...! (Look of horror)
...! The fountainhead
...! Frasier: (Long pause) What?
- Martin then goes on a tangent about the complications in family dynamics that would cause:
Martin: Can you imagine? Lilith's and my kid would be brother to you and Niles and Freddie... And if you and Lilith got back together, you'd be his step-father and his brother and Niles would be your son and his own uncle! It's almost worth doing just so that I can tell the story!
- Also from that episode: The prolonged sequence when Frasier is in the private room in the sperm clinic—and Lilith keeps knocking on the door to give him pointers—leading to an epic—
Frasier: IF THERE IS ONE THING THAT I CAN DO BY MYSELF...!
- Frasier and Niles pretending to know about bikes.
Niles: Call me crazy but I like a bouncy tire.
Fraiser: Two bouncy tires, and a taut chain. ...That's good ridin'.
- During the episode "Room Full of Heroes," the kids in the building are terrified of Frasier, because Martin told them that "Old Man Crane" eats brains. It becomes a Running Gag throughout the episode, and the end of the episode features Frasier appearing to pull Niles' scalp off.
- Frasier dating a gym teacher is pure comedy gold, especially after he visits her class and she turns into his old gym teacher from school. Cue a LOT of Squick until Frasier manages to work it out....
- The episode where Frasier has the weird dream involving Gil. He and Martin have an exchange where Martin notes that the reason he didn't take Frasier to see West Side Story as a child was because gangs were scary:
Frasier: Even gangs that dance?
Martin: Especially gangs that dance!
- In The Gift Horse, Frasier has Roz pretend to be his date to make a former girlfriend jealous. It works, sort of, but then Niles comes on the scene, right at the tail end of Roz and Frasier's Big Damn Kiss.
Please, no explanation necessary. I assume that at the next meeting of Seattle's "Haven't Kissed Roz Club," it will just be me and the archbishop! Roz:
I'll save you the club fees. Niles:
What-? (Roz gives Niles a Big Damn Kiss, then leaves.) Niles: (shocked yet observant) Everyone
kisses better than Maris!
- "Coots And Ladders" is a great gem from the final season. Especially the Dramatic Thunder sounding off at moments so perfect, Frasier and Niles pull double-takes.
- The dramatizations of Niles's conjectures of exactly what Frasier's beating himself up about.
- From "Love Bites Dog", everything about Frasier talking "like a guy" to get Bulldog back in gear, but especially...
- Frasier talking "like a guy" doesn't work too well with Niles however.
- From "We Two Kings", when Niles and Frasier are arguing over where to have Christmas:
But I've had new stockings loomed, and there see, you made me spoil the surprise! And did no one hear me say that I have ordered an Hungarian goose
Which you are more than welcome to bring over to our place. Frasier:
It's not my date - it's dinner!
- Later in the episode:
Frasier: (to Niles) Copernicus
called - you are not the center of the universe!
- Gil has a great bit in The Harassed, an epic Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today? moment.
Gil: From the bottom of my heart, I apologise for my wandering eye over the years. Those whom I mentally undressed, and... you know who you are...
(A male and female co-worker look at each other confusedly)
Gil: ...all I can say and it's a poor defense is that I was a product of the thoughtless machismo of my time.
Van Andrews: (running the harassment seminar) Thank you, Gil.
Gil: But know this, Gil isn't about to stop loving the ladies.
Van: Ah, Thank you, Gil. I think they like to be called women now.
Gil: Ha. Do they ever.
- When Niles and Daphne are holding a fake wedding after they eloped, Roz has the unfortunate task of driving Daphne's mother. Fortunately, she gets taken down. By Alice Doyle of all people.
Gertrude: In my day we never drove so recklessly, and do you know why?
Alice: (completely sincerely) Is it because you used to ride dinosaurs?
(everyone stares at Alice in shock)
Gertrude: (to Roz) You should talk to your daughter. (walks off)
Roz: (to Alice, beaming) When we get home you're getting ice cream.
- "Frasier Gotta Have it": Frasier's fling with an extreme Granola Girl. He starts to get turned off when he finds out she installed meat hooks on her ceiling, cuts her own hair and puts it in her pillows, uses dead mice for her artwork, and howls at the moon like a wolf. He's fleeing when Caitlyn asks, "Don't you think I'm worth it" and removes her top. Frasier's response: he howls like a wolf.
- Carla's epic put down of Cliff in "Cheerful Goodbyes", in which she vents about the last 20 years of knowing him.
Carla: I sure do. Cliffy, I know that things haven't always been that great between us over the years, but being here tonight, makes me think about the effect that you've had on my life. I'd like to say that I'll miss you... I'd like to say that I'll miss you...
Frasier: It's okay, Carla.
Carla: I'd like to say that I'll miss you... but it sticks in my throat like your rotten deviled eggs! (increasingly loud and angry) I hate your guts! The way you talk and talk and talk about nothing! The way you walk, your stupid white socks...
Carla: (to Frasier) Back off, I'm toasting! (to Cliff) The twenty years I've known you would have been less painful if I was covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with, with a bunch of diseased rats. But finally, you're leaving! I know I'm not as young as I used to be, but I can live again. I can live again! Finally, I can live! I can live!
- When Star Trek celebrated its 30th anniversary in 1996, UPN aired Star Trek: 30 Years and Beyond to mark it. Part of it was a skit that showed Daphne, Niles, Martin and Roz as the Voyager bridge crew under the command of a very flustered Janeway - obviously, Frasier himself was absent because he had already been Captain Morgan Bateson over on TNG. But even despite that, the sight is surreal and a barrelful of laughs.
- When Lilith is lamenting to Frasier over her recent divorce.
Lilith: [Ex-Husband] said he wanted someone more feminine... and he found him.
- In "The Devil And Dr. Phil", Bebe is trying to get Frasier back...and back into bed. Niles has the most perfect remark on this—ever:
Niles: I have it: Bebe wants to have sex with a human male to bring about the Apocalypse.
- In "A Man, A Plan and A Gal: Julia", having decided that he suffers from a case of Man Hands when it comes to his girlfriends and trying to break the pattern, Frasier tries desperately to pretend that he's perfectly happy with his unpleasant, rude new girlfriend Julia Wilcox. The pretence gets gradually more and more strained:
Isn't this fun? I'm having a good time. Daphne:
She certainly takes a lot of calls at dinnertime. Frasier:
You know, that's exactly the kind of...flaw that the old Frasier would have...seized upon as a pretext to end the relationship, but I-I know now that... that impulse to run is-is really an indication that my feelings for her are just deepening, and um... gone are the days when I would have said something like... [despite his best efforts, his real feelings begin to break through:] "How rude!"
... or "She's horrible. I've made a ghastly, ghastly mistake!" [Forced smile returns]
- Later, Julia is playing Pictionary with the Cranes and Daphne. Frasier makes a bad drawing, which causes Julia to make snide comments on all of them before choking on something. When Frasier finally notices, he excuses her to the bathroom. The following conversation ensues...
You can't understand the kind of feelings Julia and I have for each other! You may as well ask me to describe the essence of music, or the... the color of starlight!
[Julia emerges from the bathroom.] Julia:
Nice towels, Frasier. You'd think a couple of old ladies lived here. Frasier: Get out! Julia:
[disbelieving] Excuse me? Frasier: I said "get out"! Julia:
I'm sorry; have you lost your mind!? Frasier:
No, that happened earlier when we slept together
Are you breaking up with me!? Frasier:
You're damn right I am! Julia:
I want my purse! Frasier:
And I... my handtowel!
- In "Father of the Bride," after Frasier accidentally offers to pay for Daphne's wedding (due to a bad case of the hiccups,) He and Martin are desperate for an excuse to back out without hurting Daphne's feelings. Cue the following:
Martin: Donnie's not gonna let us pay for this! We're not even family!
Frasier: Yes! You saw how he proposed, on bended knee! He's nothing if not a hopeless romantic!
[Frasier opens the door to find Donnie on the phone]
Donnie: Any idiot knows you gotta pay a hooker in cash!
- Later in the same episode, Frasier is desperately trying to convince Niles that his new "girlfriend" Sabrina is actually a high-class call girl:
Niles, does Sabrina laugh at everything you say? Is she fascinated
by everything about you? Niles:
Even your collections? Niles:
[Defensively] Yes. I even showed her my collection of rarely 18th century Portuguese bud vases. Frasier:
And how did she respond? Niles:
If you must know, she was rather aroused. She said she loved a man who collects porcelain and oh my God, I'm dating a whore!
... They have my credit card number
! I've been running up a tab
- Frasier throws out Martin's chair while he's out and has to get him a new one before he gets back. He goes with Niles to the furniture store and fumble their way around before finally setting on a chair. No one is exactly pleased with the chair until the showman turns on the massage. While all the reactions are funny, Daphne's once it's back in the apartment stands out.
This is comfy, although it's a little on the soft side, and I prefer- ...hello!... oh, oh!... ooh, this is enough to make me give up me search for a meaningful relationship! (someone approaches) Frasier:
Oh, oh, quick! That's dad! Get out, get out, get out!! Daphne: (clearly annoyed)
Oh, alright! Just like a man: now you've had your fun, you don't care where I am!
- Niles' reaction isn't too shabby, either.
Niles: I never knew a chair could be this satisfying! ...I never knew that anything could! ...I want it!
Frasier: Right, Niles. I'm sure it would fit in with all of Maris' eighteenth-century antiques.
Niles: Well, I'll just rent it an apartment and visit it on the side!
- Then there's Martin's reaction.
Martin: (beat) That's DISGUSTING!
- In a season 10 episode, Martin digs out an old camera. Frasier and Niles hate it because it's loud, clunky, and the flash is blinding. Martin enjoys torturing the boys with the camera flash, but has only one problem with it:
Martin: Hasn't failed me yet! Oh, well except for that one Thanksgiving when the flash washed Lilith out so bad all you could see were her hair and eyes.
Frasier: That wasn't the camera's fault, Dad. That bloodless skin has confounded even the most experienced photographer.
- Later, Martin has the camera set up on a tripod. During a conversation that Frasier turns particularly awkward, he casually makes his way over to the camera, trips it, and uses the distraction by the flash to make his escape. The loudest one to cry out from the flash? Martin.