Funny / Frasier

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    Season 1 
106: The Crucible
  • At the beginning of the episode, Frasier comes up with a creative way to get his listeners to call in...
    Frasier: You're listening to KACL, 780 on your AM dial. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. All our lines are open, so please, give us a call. [Beat] I'm just... sitting here waiting. [Beat] Hey, Seattle! Come on, I know you're out there! [fake laughs] Hey, look, I realise it's a, it's a sunny day, but, uh, on all those rainy days, I was there for you! [Beat] Well! All right then. If, uh, that's the way you want it, you leave me no recourse. [Roz looks confused] Uh... [sings] WHE-E-E-EN THE-E-E-E MOON HITS YOUR EYE LIKE A BIG PIZZA- [the switchboard lights up like a Christmas tree] That seems to have got you going there! Okay!

109: Selling Out
  • Frasier blasting Roger (voiced by Carl Reiner), a listener whose "problem" is he can't decide what to name his luxury yacht:
    Frasier: Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now... I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.

111: Death Becomes Him
  • The scene where, after spending an entire episode worrying about his mortality, including getting Martin and Niles little labels to put on the things they want bequeathed to them, Frasier finally calms down after a late-night talk with Martin. Just as they're heading off to bed... Martin mentions there's something on Frasier's robe. He checks, and with the utmost air of disgust... "Niles." (Niles had also earlier tried to trick Frasier out of pouring from a certain bottle of wine because he wanted it.)
    Frasier: The vultures are circling...

113: Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast
  • Martin has announced that he is going on a date with a lady who lives in the same building as them. Niles gets this little grin on his face, and Martin, without turning around, snaps "Niles, wipe that stupid smirk off your face!"
  • One of Frasier's callers (voiced by Henry Mancini in the last of his few performances as an actor rather than a composer or musician) is lamenting that he hates the sound of his own voice; Frasier and Roz clearly don't like it either, as they have long since stopped paying attention to the caller. Frasier sticks a backscratcher in the end of his sleeve as though it's his hand and taps on the glass of Roz' booth, making her laugh as he holds his backscratcher hand to his face in a thoughtful gesture and then scratches his underarm with it; Roz then goes one better by sticking the chopsticks from her Chinese take-away lunch in her mouth as though they're walrus tusks and completes the impression by flapping her elbows as though they're flippers, and soon it's all Frasier and Roz can do to keep the caller from finding out how hard they're laughing at each other's antics.

114: Can't Buy Me Love
  • The bachelor auction is pure hilarity. The ladies in the audience are variously described as a "Rottweiler pit" and "like sharks at a feeding frenzy". As Martin enters while "public television's own cute and cuddly Mr. Science" is being bid on, we can hear the announcer shouting "Please, please, keep articles of clothing off the stage!" Seahawks linebacker T.J. "The Enforcer" Smith, who Martin says has put two quarterbacks in the hospital so far that season, is utterly petrified when his number is called, and even more so when a woman with "this crazed look in her eye" buys him; inevitably, said woman turns out to be Roz. When Frasier comes off stage, he says the last thing he can remember is someone shouting "Shake your money maker!"

116: The Show Where Lilith Comes Back
  • Lilith's role as a Sitcom Arch-Nemesis is established in her very first appearance; while this usually takes the form of quips directed at her, her very first line is a classic quip from her.
    Lilith: Congratulations, Frasier, you've done it again. You've led another unsuspecting innocent down one of your dark, dead-end Freudian hallways.
    Frasier: Well, Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line. This is my ex-wife, Lilith.
    Lilith: [perplexed] What do you mean, "celebrity"?
    Frasier: [darkly] Oh, they know you.
    Lilith: I'm here for a convention, and I happened to hear your voice on the radio. I kept hoping you'd introduce Pearl Jam's latest hit, but much to my chagrin, you were doling out worthless little advice pellets from your psychiatric Pez dispenser.
  • Roz suggests that Frasier and Lilith have dinner. Since Lilith has called into Frasier's show, he must be gracious and make the invitation through clenched teeth, but he writes "You're FIRED" on a piece of paper and holds it up to Roz with a glower. Roz has already written "I'm union" on a file folder to answer him, and she holds it up with a smirk without missing a beat.

117: A Mid-Winter Night's Dream
  • Niles's story about his failed attempt at sexual roleplay, starting from the moment he reveals his Pirates of Penzance-esque costume.
    Martin: [taking in the sight of Niles' costume] Never mind, I don't want to know.
    Niles: No, Dad, wait, there's a perfectly reasonably explanation for the way I'm dressed.
    Frasier: All right, just keep in mind that I reserve the right to say "stop" at any time.
    [...]
    Niles: Although, technically is it still an eye-patch when you're wearing it on your-?
    Frasier: Stop!
  • The second half of the episode opens with one of the funnier title card gags of the series:
  • Daphne offers to cook a romantic dinner for Niles and Maris to help them reconcile, but, per the title card, a violent thunderstorm moves in over the Seattle area and not only prevents Maris from returning from the spa in Arizona to which she fled after her and Niles' misunderstanding, but also knocks out the electricity to Niles and Maris' mansion. Cut to Frasier overhearing Martin speaking to Daphne by phone, advising her to stay the night rather than risk going out into the storm. Frasier muses that at least Niles, whose crush on Daphne is reaching boiling point, won't try anything with Maris in the house. Then Martin reveals that Maris is in Arizona, and Frasier bolts to his feet, shouting "I've got to get Daphne out of there!"
    Frasier: My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors!
  • Meanwhile, Daphne, having had to walk a hundred yards in the pouring rain after a tree blew down across Niles and Maris' driveway, has changed into a silk dress and cape, the only clothes of Maris' that fit her, and Niles' mind quickly short circuits. He finally has the presence of mind to leave the room and call Frasier for advice, but as Frasier and Martin are already on the road, the only person to hear Niles' desperate message is a very interested-looking Eddie.
  • Inevitably, Frasier and Martin spend most of the drive to Niles and Maris' house arguing about the route and Frasier's taste in cars. When the car finally stalls with their destination in sight, Frasier bolts out of the car and runs for the house. And even for that, Martin has some advice, which Frasier takes with his usual grace and dignity:
    Martin: You'll make better time if you take the shortcut by the side of the fountain!... [offended] Well, same to you!
  • As the romantic tension between Niles and Daphne reaches its zenith, with the two of them curled up in front of the fire as each consoles the other over their recent romantic setbacks, a Glockenspiel clock which Niles and Maris bought on their honeymoon and which has been silent for years suddenly revives, leading to this gem from Daphne:
  • Though most viewers probably know the true object of Niles' love that has re-awakened the clock, he interprets it as a sign that, for all the ups and downs of his marriage to her, he really does love Maris. The sight of her newly exfoliated face across the breakfast table, or sharing a laugh when they see someone wearing white after Labor Day... all part of what makes her special in his eyes. And he assures Daphne that she will find a man worthy of her love "just as soon as the gods create him," prompting her to give him a kiss of gratitude on the cheek - just in time for Frasier to arrive, hammering on the window like Ben Braddock in the wedding scene in The Graduate. Daphne is outraged on Niles' behalf that Frasier thought he was taking advantage of her, but her recital of what Niles loves about Maris loses something in translation:
    Daphne: Why, just moments ago he made a beautiful speech about how much he loves his wife, how he cherishes her excruciating little face, and how they laugh at white people! [Frasier looks at first Daphne, then Niles with absolute confusion; Niles looks a bit embarrassed, while Daphne ponders what she has just said] That didn't sound right, did it?
    Niles: Close enough.

119: Give Him the Chair!
  • Frasier throws out Martin's chair while he's out and has to get him a new one before he gets back. He goes with Niles to the furniture store and fumble their way around before finally setting on a chair. No one is exactly pleased with the chair until the showman turns on the massage.
    • Niles' reaction in the store is funny enough...
      Niles: I never knew a chair could be this satisfying! ...I never knew that anything could! ...I want it!
      Frasier: Right, Niles. I'm sure it would fit in with all of Maris' eighteenth-century antiques.
      Niles: Well, I'll just rent it an apartment and visit it on the side!
    • ... but it's topped by Daphne's reaction once it's back in the apartment.
      Daphne: This is comfy, although it's a little on the soft side, and I prefer- ...hello!... oh, oh!... ooh, this is enough to make me give up me search for a meaningful relationship!
      (someone approaches)
      Frasier: Oh, oh, quick! That's dad! Get out, get out, get out!!
      Daphne: (clearly annoyed) Oh, alright! Just like a man: now you've had your fun, you don't care where I am!
    • Then there's Martin's reaction.
      Martin: (beat) That's DISGUSTING!

123: Frasier Crane's Day Off
  • The third act, in which Frasier returns to his studio drugged to the gills on prescription drugs because he believes that Niles is trying to steal his radio slot, and chaos ensues. As Niles put it:
    Niles: [as security chase Frasier past the booth] Bravo, Frasier, for so brilliantly demonstrating why they call it "dope"!

    Season 2 
204: Flour Child
  • The title character is a bag of flour Niles "adopts" as a child to see how he would fare as a parent. Especially funny when it gets run through with a sword, drop-kicked into the reflecting pool, and eaten by Eddie. And Eddie ripping the 'flour child' apart in puffs of flour as Daphne looks mildly on and declares in an Australian accent, "'At dingo's got yer baby..."
    Niles: A real child would have cried before it burst into flames.

207: The Candidate

209: Adventures in Paradise, Part 2
  • Lilith reveals that she's getting remarried. Everyone stares at her for a moment until she clarifies that it's to someone other than Frasier. Martin then throws his cane aside and staggers halfway across the room to hug her. This is probably the fastest he's ever moved on the show.
  • Diane's first appearance on Frasier, despite being an Imagine Spot:
    Diane: Frasier?!

216: The Show Where Sam Shows Up
  • Sam's fiancee admits to having sex with members of Cheers. Frasier slept with her as well, but he's afraid Sam will be upset if he found out. However, she says that she was embarrassed about sleeping with Paul (the dumpy balding barfly). Sam is... sort of... okay with that. But then:
    Sam: Cliff? Cliff... you? You slept with Cliff? CLIFF?! Oh no, that's it, wedding's off! (storms away) Cliff - oh, God!
    Sheila: Whoa... Frasier, you've got to help me. You've got to talk to him.
    (Frasier sits down on the couch, in full Heroic B.S.O.D.)
    Frasier: I slept with a woman who slept with Cliff?!
  • During The Stinger, Frasier is castigating himself, "Cliff? Cliff?! CLIFF?!?!" (You don't hear him say anything, but the lip-reading isn't too difficult.)

221: An Affair to Forget
  • One of Frasier's call-in patients puts him on the trail of a possible affair between Maris and her fencing instructor, Gunter. One can't-keep-his-mouth-shut moment later, Niles is leaping to conclusions and challenging the man to a duel. Here's the entire scene.

223: The Innkeepers
  • The whole last third becomes a perfect storm of pratfalls, squabbling, and humiliation. The minute details they mull over in the second third are even better after watching the whole episode. Their snobbish reaction when they realized they thought of the perfect name: Les Frères Heureux.
    Niles: It's friendly, inviting, yet just difficult enough to pronounce to intimidate the riffraff!
  • The brothers, in fact, insist that the place will be really high-tone.
    Frasier: Very exclusive. Unlisted number. No advertising.
    Martin: Hey, don't stop there. Maybe you could station somebody on the roof with a machine gun to shoot at people who try to get in!
  • The kitchen includes a tank of live eels, and Niles is in charge of killing one to cook it.
    • "All right, stop it! Get a grip. You're not being asked to do anything that none of us hasn't done before in our own kitchens in our own homes! Now quick, Niles, kill five eels."
    • Niles decides to hack at an eel with a meat cleaver and is splashing like a moron.
      Frasier: What in God's name are you doing? Just reach in there and get it over with!
      Niles: Not until I'm sure it's dead!
      Daphne: Oh, for Heaven's sake!
    • She stalks over, yanks an eel out of the tank, whips it around to smack it against the edge of the table, shoves it in Niles' hand and goes back to the other side of the kitchen. The brothers' expression...
    • For extra laughs, pay closer attention to the eel Niles is holding after Daphne kills it.
  • Then Niles asks how he's supposed to kill the rest of them them, and Frasier tells him he can throw a toaster in the tank for all he cares. Frasier goes out to attend to the customers, and the lights dim.
  • The look on Frasier's face right after the explosion is hilarious.
  • The look on Daphne's face when the emergency sprinklers went off was also priceless.
  • Only one customer was not outraged and infuriated.

224: Dark Victory
  • Niles tries to go home during a blackout, but soon after comes back to the apartment gasping heavily and looking terrified.
    Niles: Nineteen floors—down to my car!—Garage door's electric!—Can't open!—Twenty floors back up!—Lost count!—Bad lady upstairs!—Big dog!—Need place to die!

    Season 3 
301: She's the Boss
  • A side arc revolves around Niles trying to get a gun for defense, as the security at his house is screwing up. The second time he appears, he's bought a starter's pistol, and while explaining to Martin that it gives Maris a sense of safety, he accidentally fires it. Frasier (who's been spending the entire scene trying to get some sleep) runs out of his room freaking out about what just happened.
    Martin: Niles bought a starter's pistol.
    Niles: And there's no need to get snippy, accidents happen, you know.
    Frasier: I'm sorry, was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be GUNPLAY IN MY LIVING ROOM!
  • Frasier is once again forced to sleep days, and Eddie - who is wearing a protective dog collar - starts barking upstairs at the dog who injured him. This causes Frasier to explode as well.
    Frasier: I asked you to keep that dog quiet and instead you OUTFIT HIM WITH A MEGAPHONE!
  • When Frasier rages at Daphne with incredibly misogynistic insults, Martin marvels at Daphne for keeping her cool. She calmly says that it's part of her job. However, she calls Eddie to take a walk with a very loud whistle, causing Frasier to scream in pain offscreen.
  • Frasier's...raunchy broadcast. He and Roz decide to rebel against new station boss Kate Costas' decision to put them in a very early morning slot unless he agrees to give priority to the "juicier" calls.
    Frasier: In other words, WHO WANTS TO TALK ABOUT SEX? Sex, sex, sex sex sex sex sex!
    • The part where Frasier starts stripping in the booth:
      Roz: While Dr. Crane strips, our new station manager would like to know if you prefer to be the spanker or the spankee?
      Caller: Oh, definitely the spanker.
      Frasier: Well, then hop in a cab! I'm not wearing any pants! [swings them above his head as Roz whoops]
    • "While Roz laces up her leather bustier, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL, all talk, all night, all naked!"
  • The end credits where Martin is having trouble with the TV, so Daphne puts Eddie on it to fix the reception.

302: Shrink Rap
  • Frasier and Niles start a clinic together. After they get on each other's nerves too much, they walk out from the therapy session they're holding to have a discussion outside, and we get this gem:
    Niles: I'm warning you, Frasier, I have made a fist and I am thinking of using it!
    Frasier: You are not scaring me—the thumb goes on the outside, Niles!
  • This exchange:
    Niles: How dare you try to steal my group!
    Frasier: I don't need your group! I've got a group of my own, half a million strong!
    Niles: Oh yes, your legions! Why don't you rent a farm, pass out the body paint and call it FrasierStock!
  • Frasier finally wins the long running feud over where the place their ornamental plant by throwing it out of the window:
    Frasier: NOW IT'LL GET ALL THE FRESH AIR IT NEEDS!!!

305: Kisses Sweeter Than Wine
  • Niles poorly trying to cover for his nosebleed, which he gets whenever he's caught in a lie.
    Frasier: You just sniffed.
    Niles: I didn't sniff, it was a snort of contempt. (sniffs)
    Frasier: A snort is out, that was in!

307: The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl
  • The whole sequence where Frasier and Kate's lovemaking session is broadcast over the airwaves is hilarious, but the most priceless scene is the look of absolute horror on Niles' face as he listens on his car radio:
    Frasier: [on radio] Oh, yes!... oh no, is that the "On Air" light!?
    Kate: [loud whisper] Stop talking!
    Frasier: [not quite whispering] You must have hit the switch with your elbow while we were-
    Kate: [louder whisper] Stop talking!
    Frasier: We'd better hurry up and get dressed while we still-
    Niles: [to radio] STOP - TALKING! [he looks back through his windscreen and slams on the brakes, but too late; he hits the vehicle in front of him, deploying his airbags]

309: Frasier Grinch
  • There's a Christmas-time delivery mixup between Frasier and a Mr. Franklin Crane who lives on the other side of the continent. The educational toy Frasier had picked out months ago has gone to the wrong address:
    Frasier: (aghast) Do you know what this means?!
    Niles: (ready to laugh) Yes. The Cranes in Maine have got your Living Brain!
  • Frasier tries to read a Christmas parable he has written while the KACL Christmas party is going on around him; with Roz having been dismissed early, Gil and Bulldog more than pick up the slack when it comes to trying to derail the story. After winding lights and tinsel around him doesn't do the trick, Gil slips out while Bulldog pulls out his lighter and tries to set Frasier's script on fire:
    Frasier: One [blows out Bulldog's light] night, one [blows out the lighter again] windy night...
  • Gil returns with Candy Cane, a Santa-themed stripper Bulldog hired for the party; as she performs, Frasier just about finishes stumbling through the rest of his parable with his dignity mostly intact, then turns to leave, only to come back in, shouting "Oh, what am I, a robot?" and kissing her passionately.
    "And to all, a good night!"

314: The Show Where Diane Comes Back
  • Frasier's reaction when he finds out Diane is back is priceless. It is so ridiculously over the top.
    [in the background, Roz is on the phone, looking worried]
    Frasier: This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780.
    Roz: [hangs up the phone and presses the intercom button] Frasier, that was security, some woman insisted on seeing you, she just blew right past them!
    Frasier: Oh, don't panic, Roz, probably just one of my more ardent fans.
    [in the background, Diane walks past the back window of Frasier's booth; her face lights up, and she taps on the glass. Frasier turns around and she waves at him, all smiles. Smash cut to black... from which the camera pulls back to reveal Frasier's wide open mouth, his face frozen with abject terror]
    Frasier: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH-
    [cut to Niles' office, where Niles is seeing a patient, Mr. Carr; Frasier bursts through the door]
    Frasier: [out of breath] Niles we gotta talk, it's urgent!
    Niles: Frasier, I'm with a patient!
    Frasier: [turns around and notices Mr. Carr] Oh, I'm sorry...
    Mr. Carr: [standing up] Is, uh, this about a woman?
    Frasier: Yes.
    Mr. Carr: Take all the time you need. [leaves]
  • Lilith isn't even in this episode and Niles still gets one of his best quips at her expense:
    Frasier: She's back! The scourge of my existence!
    Niles: Strange, I usually get some sign when Lilith is in town: dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the walls...
  • Martin making no attempt whatsoever to hide his notice of Diane's facial tic (only sporadically mentioned on Cheers as being triggered by emotional distress), especially John Mahoney's delivery of "There it is again!" The next time it happens, Frasier, Niles, and Martin all scoot back from the table in alarm.
  • Diane's play, a pretentious stage version of Cheers with Diane as Mary Anne. Words do not do it justice. Diane giggling in delight at her own jokes (which she actually stole from Norm) was the icing on the cake. And Frasier's speech is just epic, especially his delivery of "bony fingers!"
    Frasier: So drink hearty, Franklin, and LAUGH! Because you have made a pactwith BEELZEBUB!!! AND HER NAME IS MARY ANNE!!!
    (Actors applaud)
  • A subtler moment from the end of the episode has Frasier walk out the bar door, only to come out after a beat, realizing it's a stage door that doesn't go anywhere.
    Frasier (abashed): Force of habit.
    Diane: I've been doing it all week!
  • And in The Stinger, Diane's play's use of internal monologues delivered by characters in spotlights on an otherwise darkened stage is spoofed when Martin catches Eddie chewing on a sock. Fade to black, then a spotlight shines on Eddie as a thought bubble appears above him saying "I can't help it. It's what I do."

316: Look Before You Leap
  • Martin mentions how Daphne is always talking about wanting to change her hairstyle and then proceeds to imitate her accent. In addition to being hilarious, it's just so....weird. Doubly so because John Mahoney is British!
  • Roz gushing about a guy she met on a bus on the air (and her freak-out when she realizes what she just said).
  • The snowball gag of Niles's exponentially increasing libido, after having gone for months without sex. When he visits Frasier at the radio station, he starts hitting on Roz of all people, then when Frasier finally seems to persuade him that joining Maris for an evening of passion would be a bad idea, he walks past the window behind Frasier - and immediately turns around when he passes a female KACL staffer going in the other direction. As he passes the door to Frasier's booth, Frasier opens it and hurls a glass of water into Niles' face, causing him to turn around immediately again.
  • Daphne's reaction to her awful haircut, urged by Frasier:
    Daphne: (sobbing) Take a leap! Mr. Maurice hair-designer! Trust me! Children pointing! Your fault!
  • Even more hilarious, Niles thinks her hideously mangled haircut is hot, moaning, "Will these infernal temptations never end?!"
  • With Roz, Martin, and Daphne all worse off for having taken Frasier's "take a leap" idea, Niles defies him and declares he's going to spend the evening with Maris after all. His parting gesture involves gunning down his sherry before hurling his glass into Frasier's fireplace.
    Frasier: YOU WILL RUE THE DAY!
    Niles: I DON'T CARE! NILES GOTTA HAVE IT!
  • "WHO WATCHES PBS?!....I'll tell you who..."
  • Finally...after everybody else's "Leap Day" plans get shot to hell, Frasier backs out of singing an aria for a PBS drive and falls back on his "Buttons & Bows" routine... without rehearsing. Turns out that despite having sung "Buttons & Bows" for PBS pledge drives for several years, he has only memorised the first three or four lines... and can barely remember a word after that.
    Let's all go to a taco show! Mebby hawd and beddy hose, something and something and buttons and bows!note 
  • In The Stinger, Niles stops by to console Frasier, who asks him if he had sex with Maris after all. Though we cannot hear the dialogue, we can see Niles smiling reassuringly while mouthing "No" repeatedly. But as Frasier walks off, Niles scratches behind his ear and finds a dollop of creme fraiche, one of his and Maris' favourite substances to lick off each other...

318: Chess Pains

321: Where There's Smoke, There's Fired
  • The first scene features a classic zinger from Niles directed at the absent Bebe Glazer:
    Frasier: No, it's just that, uh, the station's been sold, I was hoping she might have some scuttlebutt on the new owner. [the doorbell rings; Frasier leaves to answer it] I must admit, she's... rather hard to get a hold of these days!
    Niles: Oh really? I thought one just drew a pentagram on the floor and chanted "I summon thee" three times. [Martin almost spits out the mouthful of coffee he has just drunk]
  • The ringer of the doorbell is not Bebe but Roz, who arrives just as Daphne is introducing Niles and his newly reduced cash flow to the wonderful world of coupon cutting, setting up a glorious moment of Roz-Niles snark:
    Niles: [reading a flyer of coupons] This is great! I don't even know what Renuzit is, but it's 20 cents off and I want it!note  [he begins cutting out the coupon]
    Roz: You're clipping coupons?
    Niles: [proudly] I'm economising!
    Roz: Ah. Well, it's about time, you spend money like a drunken sailor.
    Niles: She said authoritatively.
  • Frasier learns from Roz that KACL's new owner is Texan media millionaire Wilfred S. "Big Willy" Boone; Daphne drily observes that such a nickname offers a telling glimpse into his psyche, and Frasier clearly feels uncomfortable using it. When he finally meets the man, Big Willy insists on being addressed as such:
    Big Willy: Oh, I've been looking for you Dr. Crane. I have a little problem and they told me you're just the fella who could fix it. Oh, I hope I'm not imposing.
    Frasier: Oh, no, don't be silly, Mr. Boone.
    Big Willy: Well, actually I prefer "Big Willy."
    Frasier: Don't be silly, Big Willy. [Roz visibly struggles not to laugh]
  • It emerges that Big Willy wants Frasier to help his fiancée quit smoking (and makes it clear that this is an order, not a request); if she doesn't, he will call off their engagement. Frasier gets a nasty shock when he discovers who Big Willy's fiancée is...
    Frasier: That's me, Dr. Frasier Crane, bimbo wrangler. [sits down and pinches the bridge of his nose]
    Roz: Frasier, stop it! This is a golden opportunity! You make this little tootsie quit smoking and we're halfway to syndication!
    Bebe: [appearing in the doorway] Did someone just say the word "syndication", or do I just hear it every time I lay eyes on my favourite client! [walks toward Frasier, arms outstretched]
    Frasier: [still despairing] Oh, Bebe... [embraces her and kisses her on either cheek]
    Bebe: Is something wrong, dear? [Frasier moans; we see Big Willy talking to two other station employees through the back window]
    Roz: We just met Big Willy.
    Frasier: [sitting down again] Oh, he thinks I'm some sort of a magician, he wants me to play therapist to his little fiancée, no doubt some gold-digging piranha so devoid of scruples that she's willing to rob the coffin just- [he and Roz notice Bebe and Big Willy making kissy faces at each other through the glass] oh, dear God!... [Facepalms]
  • Big Willy gives Frasier three days to get Bebe to quit smoking; their first therapy session seems to go well as Frasier gets to the heart of why Bebe smokes in the first place, but as she is about to leave, Niles arrives and stalls her by claiming he wants her input for a paper he is writing on addiction. As Bebe heads for the kitchen, Niles tells Frasier she will smoke half a pack of cigarettes before she even gets down to the lobby of Frasier's building. Sure enough, Bebe is lighting up in the kitchen, while Daphne and Martin are horrified at Niles' insistence that Bebe must stay there for the weekend. As Frasier takes them to the kitchen to prove that Bebe has made progress, she stuffs her still lit cigarette in her handbag, and is unaware that smoke is pouring out of it as she returns to Frasier's living room...
    Bebe: I'm sorry I can't stay and help you with the paper, Niles, wedding preparations and all. [to Frasier] But I'll remember those helpful hints, it's exercise, gum, and lots of water. [Frasier, Niles, Daphne, and Martin all notice the smoke coming out of Bebe's handbag]
    Niles: Water should come in handy for putting out those pesky purse fires. [Bebe notices the smoke and starts hitting her handbag to extinguish the cigarette]
    Frasier: All right Niles, secure the door! Bebe, you are not going anywhere, you're staying for the weekend, now give me that purse! [Niles locks the front door]
    Bebe: [defeated] All right, just... let me remove one very precious memento...
    Frasier: Very well. [Bebe opens her handbag, puts it over her face, and breathes deeply] Oh, stop it! [pulls the bag away from her]
  • Bebe's borderline erotic description of how smoking a cigarette makes her feel sets off Daphne's own sporadic smoking tendencies, and at 5:30am, she sneaks onto the balcony and lights up, waking up a sleeping Bebe on the sofa. Now desperate for a cigarette herself, Bebe locks Daphne on the balcony in the rain and refuses to let her in unless she gives her a smoke; Daphne retaliates by holding the pack over the edge of the balcony, threatening to drop it unless Bebe unlocks the door. Finally, Frasier enters and switches on the lights; the payoff comes when Bebe and Daphne deliver their lines in the following exchange like two young children caught fighting by their parents:
    Frasier: What the hell's going on out here?
    Bebe: Daphne was smoking!
    Daphne: She made me do it!

322: Frasier Loves Roz
  • Martin's message to future generations, as Niles records with a video camera. He can't resist trolling:
    Martin (into the camera): My name is Martin Crane. When I made this tape, I was sixty-four years old. But now...(bulging eyes) I'm dead...!
    (Niles slumps)
    Martin: Trapped in a box, underground...! Pretty scary, huh...?! (Evil Laugh)
    Niles: (Stops recording) Dad, surely you must have some message you want to leave for the Cranes of the twenty-first century—?!
    Martin: Alright, alright, I do.... (To camera, as Niles resumes) Remember to always work hard...and that family comes first. (Play-squirms, sighs) And...I have a million bucks...in unmarked bills...that I took off a drug dealer, that I have stashed in my old army foot locker. The combination is Left 15...Right 32...Le—
    (Beat, starts "choking"...and collapses in his chair.)
    Niles (focusing the camera on himself): Future generations... see what I had to put up with?

323: The Focus Group
  • Of the twelve random citizens called in to give their opinion of The Dr. Frasier Crane Show, eleven are positive: one man says, "I don't like it... I don't like him." It digs at Frasier, who can't let it go. He spots the man (a news-stand owner) while driving Martin and Niles to dinner and insists on going over in person to quiz him. Martin covers his face, while Niles watches - fascinated in a horrified kind of way:
    Niles: [matter-of-factly] He's crushed the gentleman's hand... and now he appears to be commandeering his newsstand.
    Martin [resignedly]: Uh-huh.
    [moments later]
    Niles: [resting his face on his hand] Oh, my God. Frasier's set his newsstand on fire.
    Martin [still covering his face, but now sinking down further in his seat]: Uh-huh.

    Season 4 
401: The Two Mrs. Cranes
  • The Snowball Lie. Once Martin is clued into it, he starts screwing with everyone. The web of lies becomes so messy, everyone has to pause before deciding it's safe to give Eddie's name.
  • The beautiful punchline to the entire thing.
    Daphne: We're not the horrible people you think we are!
    Frasier: Yes! The truth is - we've been lying to you all night!
  • And there's also Niles' elated giggle after Daphne introduces him as her husband.
  • Martin amuses himself and spites his sons by claiming he used to be an astronaut.
    Clive: Although, Daphne, I noticed in the phone book your surname still is Moon.
    Niles: That must be an old book. Now she hyphenates; it's Moon-Crane.
    Martin: (wistfully) I remember the first time I ever drove a moon crane. I nearly rolled it into the Sea of Tranquillity.

402: Love Bites Dog
  • Niles decides to advertise his practice, and gives Frasier a copy of the ad.
    Frasier: All right. (reading) "Dr. Niles Crane. Jung specialist. Servicing individuals, couples, groups. Satisfaction guaranteed. Tell me where it hurts". Well that's just excellent Niles. All you're missing now is a very tasteful cartoon of you smiling brightly and holding a shrunken head!
    Niles: Sorry I didnít hear you. I was too distracted by your face going by on the side of a bus.
  • Of course, the ad company accidentally prints an "H" in place of the "J" in "Jung". Hilarity Ensues.
    Frasier: "Dr. Niles Crane. Hung specialist." (beat) Oh my.
    Niles: The rest of it was surprisingly accurate. "Servicing individuals, couples... groups..." (beat) "Satisfaction guaranteed"... (looks at Frasier with some consternation) "Tell me where it hurts."
    Frasier: Any calls?
    Niles: It's a telethon.
  • Everything about Frasier talking "like a guy" to get Bulldog back in gear, but especially...
    Bulldog: I like the sound of this.
    Frasier: (Gruff) Yeah? So do I! It's unattractive—yet liberating, rather like the one and only time I wore a European bathing suit...!
  • Frasier talking "like a guy" doesn't work too well with Niles however.

403: The Impossible Dream
  • Frasier has a weird dream involving Gil. After talking it out with Niles he thinks he's resolved the issue causing him to have the dream, and declares loudly:
    Frasier: Thank God! Tonight I can sleep peacefully knowing there'll be no motel room, no tequila bottle and no naked man in my bed!
    [Sees the waitress standing behind him]
    Frasier: So then, the rabbi says...
  • Frasier and Martin have an exchange where Martin notes that the reason he didn't take Frasier to see West Side Story as a child was because gangs were scary:
    Frasier: Even gangs that dance?
    Martin: Especially gangs that dance!
  • Martin and Daphne trolling people in the elevator by having "secret" conversations literally behind their backs—on such awesome nonsense as Daphne being in Witness Protection (with Martin as her FBI handler) and their engaging in international smuggling!
    Daphne: How'd you get the stuff through customs?
    Martin: (smugly) They never check the prosthetic leg.
  • The punch line of the episode: Sigmund Freud appearing to Frasier in a dream to congratulate him on figuring out the Gil dream. And to get into bed.

406: Mixed Doubles
  • When Daphne is introducing her new boyfriend Rodney, an eerie doppelganger of Niles, to Frasier and Martin, Martin gets a call from Duke:
    Martin: Sorry Duke, I can't talk right now; I'm in The Twilight Zone!
  • Later, Niles and Frasier discover that Rodney on a date at Cafe Nervosa with Niles' new girlfriend Adelle, and Niles is furious - on Daphne's behalf.
    Frasier: Whatever you do, do not engage him in a physical fight! The whole thing would just look too weird!
  • As Niles leaves to break the news of Rodney's infidelity to Daphne, Frasier has one last question for him:
    Frasier: You know, there's just one thing I'd like to ask you, Rodney... do you have an older brother?
    Rodney: As a matter of fact, I do. [bitterly] He's always been the pride of the family. Handsome, successful, brilliant. I've always been rather jealous of him.
    Frasier: [smirking to himself] Spooky... [exits, leaving Rodney and Adelle thoroughly confused]

407: A Lilith Thanksgiving
  • The climax of Niles and Martin inadvertently turning Freddie into a walking disaster magnet is one of the series' better moments of silent comedy. Over the course of the second act, Martin accidentally hits Freddie in the eye with a baseball, Niles accidentally hits him in the nose with the freezer door, Martin gives him bubble gum which he then has to cut out of Freddie's hair, and Niles gives him remoulade which causes a flare-up of the lad's anchovy allergy - none of which crosses Frasier and Lilith's radar, as they are too busy sabotaging Freddie's chances of getting into a prestigious prep school through overthinking things; the headmaster then makes the mistake of implying that if they can produce a fully cooked turkey for his Thanksgiving dinner (his own having failed to cook properly), he might let Freddie into the school (actually just a ploy to get rid of them once and for all). In a dialogue-free scene, Niles bastes the turkey as Martin races into the kitchen, grabs the ice pack from the freezer, and races out again, followed by Niles with a bottle of wine. While they are out of the kitchen, Frasier and Lilith return, take the turkey out of the oven, and carry it out to the car. As the timer goes off, Niles returns, then opens the oven, and is thoroughly confused to find the turkey gone. He even checks the other oven.

408: Our Father, Whose Art Ain't Heaven

413: Four for the Seesaw
  • Frasier and Niles have asked two women they've just met to come away for the weekend, but they're not sure if the women think everything's purely platonic:
    Niles: These women are inscrutable as sphinxes!
    Frasier: Yes, they've got us into some most veiled, cloaked, cryptic messages. Can't they just give us one clear signal?!
    Beth: Well, I'm going to bed. Niles, are you coming? [Beat]
    Niles: Curse these infernal riddles!

414: To Kill a Talking Bird
  • Frasier finally tells Niles that his dog is a substitute for Maris. Niles denies this haughtily, but then:
    Frasier: Oh? Remember when Maris wore that pillbox hat to the Duchamps' wedding?
    (takes a small flowerpot and puts it on the dog's head. Niles faints from the realization)
  • One of Niles' most magnificent brotherly putdowns, as he brags about the new apartment complex he's living in:
    Frasier: I don't think this building can be as exclusive as you said. Your doorman just waved me right through.
    Niles: Well, he recognised you.
    Frasier: (preening) Oh! A fan of my show?
    Niles: No. He lives in your building.

417: Roz's Turn
  • Frasier's pirate accent.
    Frasier: (salty pirate voice) When my shipmates and I pull into port after several weeks at sea, the first thing we do is...
    Niles: (into mic, imitating Frasier's accent) ...head for the antique sale, arrr!
  • A classic zinger from Frasier as a nod to Bebe's Sitcom Arch-Nemesis role:
    Roz: It's not like she worships the devil!
    Frasier: Well, she doesn't have to; he worships HER!

418: Ham Radio
  • In the opening scene, Niles foreshadows the episode's third act by observing to Martin that Frasier knows how to direct a play, but doesn't know how to stop directing, and predicts that by the time "Nightmare Inn" is broadcast, Frasier will be not just directing, but credited as the writer and playing the lead. Frasier rubbishes this suggestion, then Martin notices that the script is entitled "Frasier Crane's 'Nightmare Inn'"...
    Frasier: It's just a working title!
  • As Niles predicts, Frasier ends up casting himself as the lead, with the cast rounded out by Roz, Gil, Bulldog, Bulldog's exotic dancer girlfriend Maxine (who cannot attend rehearsal due to contracting food poisoning; Bulldog suspects the Jell-O in which she was wrestling that day had gone bad), and professional actor Mel White. Bulldog insists they change the name of Mr. Wang to Mr. Wing because it gives him the giggles. However, the script is from The Thirties, leading to his reading of Wing's lines:
    Bulldog: (heavy Yellow Peril accent) Oh, me no looky, me go very by chop-chop.
    Roz: (aghast) Stop! Chinese embassy on line one!
  • Frasier's overdirection during rehearsal (also foreseen by Niles) leads Mel, who is playing six roles with six different accents, to Rage Quit. Cue a classic example of Who Would Be Stupid Enough?:
    Bulldog: So whadda we do now, boss?
    Frasier: Not to worry! I have a plan! [picks up the phone and dials]
    Roz: Oh, yeah, right. We're supposed to do this thing tomorrow night! Where are you going to find an idiot willing to take six dialect parts unrehearsed?
    Frasier: [into phone] Niles!
    Daphne: [as she clears the dining table] Sound of ominous organ music indicating trouble ahead.
  • Not for nothing is the actual broadcast of "Nightmare Inn" one of the series' most fondly remembered scenes.
    • Having helped with rehearsal, Daphne is waiting to listen to the Whodunnit with Martin.
      Daphne: I already know the plot but I'll try not to blurt out the name of the murderer.
      Martin: Great, as a cop I hated it when people did that.
    • Roz's character is a woman with a sexy, exotic accent. However, she arrives from a two-hour emergency dentist appointment with a jaw still chock full of Novocaine, so numb she keeps biting the inside of her lip. Everything comes out in a very slurred, muddled, Elmer Fudd-like mess, and it only gets worse when she has to attempt the phrase, "Multiple murderer." ("Muhpehpuhl muhmuhmer!")
      Frasier: [as the inspector] That's easy for you to say!
    • Bulldog freezes with stage fright as soon as the play begins, so Frasier improvises that Mr. Wing is now a mute who wears a bell on his head to communicate.
    • Niles, seeing the script for the first time as the broadcast begins, is not happy to discover that he is playing six characters with six different accents. When he is cued to speak Pépo the dwarf's line, he is mystified as to how to get into character, and tries crouching behind the microphone before acknowledging that this won't work on radio. Finally, Frasier hands him a helium balloon, which he inhales to deliver his line.
    • Immediately after Frasier delivers a line about the phone lines being cut, the phone in the studio rings; Noel, who is acting as sound effects man, does not help by answering it with "Studio 5." Frasier shoots him a Death Glare before pulling out the cord connecting the receiver to the base.
    • In the second act, Noel founders a bit with the music cues:
      Frasier: Why, yes, Miss Thorndyke, it appears to be... [cues organ music, but a music box-like tune comes out instead] ...the ice cream truck! [Noel finally pulls out the offending tape] But never mind... that... [everybody starts dumping papers from the script]
    • Bulldog's girlfriend Maxine has one line to deliver. However, she has no acting experience, so her delivery is very awkward and wooden. More problematic, though, is her severe dyslexia...
      Maxine: [unconvincing fake scream; overpronouncing each word] Look out! He's got a nug!
    • Frasier cuts Nigel Fairservice's dying speech in the interest of time; unfortunately, Gil, who is playing Nigel, is so enamored of the line that he refuses to "die" without finishing the speech. When Frasier finally outdoes him in narrative (by claiming that the last bullet blew his head clean off his shoulders), he gives Frasier a smug look while knocking on and opening the prop door to complete it as Nigel's long lost brother Cedric (Frasier pops another balloon and claims that this extinguishes the Fairservice family entirely), and then the ice cream man from earlier (Frasier pops yet another balloon).
      Daphne: This is turning into a bloodbath!
      Martin: See, this is why I prefer television. You want to see that sort of stuff.
    • Niles finally gets sick of Frasier's overdirection during his confession speech, and improvises a new ending.
      Niles: [German accent] All right, all right! I'm not vhat I appear! None of us is! I'm not a butler! I'm not even [moves to next page in script, furrows brow, and drops accent] German. [shrugs; dramatic organ sting] Sit down, Inspector, you're about to hear a fascinating tale. Each of us holds a piece of the puzzle... [gets distracted by Frasier pointing toward himself] to relate to you. When we've finished, you'll know the full... [Frasier brings his arms up in a "more" gesture] dark secret of Nightmare Inn.
      Roz: Awe you thure we thould, Hanth?
      Niles: [grimaces at the script] Be quiet, Mother. [Frasier points dramatically; organ sting plays] Mother and I moved here when I was a small boy, after the... [Frasier clenches his fist slowly and looks emotionally overwrought, indicating Niles should act likewise; Niles is too distracted by the gestures to process them] tragic death of my father. I kept the pain of that loss buried... [Frasier makes an anguished face and pounds his chest with his fist] deep within me, like a serpent... [getting more and more confused and angry at Frasier's gestures] coiled within a damp... cave- okay, that's it. [throws the script to the floor and grabs the balloons from the sound effect table] Never mind all that. I'm just going to take this gun off the table. [pops a balloon] Sorry about that O'Toole, I guess we'll never hear your fascinating piece of the puzzle. [pops two more balloons] Or yours, Kragen and Pépo! [mentally counts the remaining balloons as Frasier starts discarding pages of his script] Will the McAllister sisters stand back to back? I'm short on bullets. [pops another balloon] Thank you! [to Roz] What was your name again, dear?
      Roz: Mith Thowndyke.
      Niles: Thank you! [pops another balloon as Frasier drops more and more pages of his script] Ah, and also Mr. Wing. [pops another balloon; Noel rings the bell, then silences it as Niles points to him in gratitude; Frasier is now giving him a Death Glare, which he returns over his final line] And of course, one final bullet for myself, so the mystery will die with me! [pops the last balloon] HA!

422: Are You Being Served?
  • Five words: the "hot and foamy" scene.
    • The build-up is comedy gold, as Frasier and Niles gradually discover exactly WHAT their mother was writing about in her journal when she described Niles as passive, submissive, and easily cowed by females (thus prompting him to sign the divorce papers Maris has sent him): not her sons Frasier and Niles, but her lab rats Frasier and Niles.
      Niles: [reading the journal] Do you know what this means?
      Frasier: [disgusted] Our mother named us after rodents.
      Niles: No, it means I have ended my marriage to the woman I love based on the case history of a spineless rat! Oh my God...
      Frasier: [overlapping] Niles... Niles...
      Niles: [starting to panic] Oh my God, Maris has seen the papers, it's too late to take it back!
      Frasier: Niles, your reasoning was still sound!
      Niles: [panicking more and more] My reasoning!? My reasoning was based on my mother's obsession WITH VERMIN! [hurls down the journal]
    • Niles' panic attack attracts the attention of first Martin, then Daphne, as Frasier ushers his brother into the powder room to splash some cold water on his face; as he tries to offer words of encouragement through the door, we hear what sounds like a gunshot, horrifying Frasier, Martin, and Daphne... until the door opens to reveal the payoff of Martin stopping Daphne from throwing out his old gadgets, including a Hot 'N Foamy shaving foam machine which he plugged into the outlet in the powder room moments earlier:
      Daphne: Dr. Crane, are you all right?
      Niles: [covered in foam] I'm fine. [beat] I'm just a little hot. And foamy.
      Martin: You know what must've happened? My Hot 'N Foamy must have exploded!
      Daphne: [looks at Martin in utter disbelief, then back at Niles] He was a detective, you know.
      Martin: [nods]
    • And finally, Niles gets a call from Maris, who was just bluffing with the divorce papers; she is so shocked by his decision to sign them that she agrees to withdraw them and go into couples therapy with him. And so the episode's main plot ends by colliding with a subplot about Frasier's aversion to hugging other men as Niles throws his arms around Frasier... while still covered in shaving foam. Frasier's revolted look is priceless.

423: Ask Me No Questions
  • Near the beginning of the episode, Niles arrives at Frasier's apartment, unconcerned with Frasier's anger at his lateness for their squash game, as he is too busy having an affectionate phone conversation with Maris. Sickened by the display, Frasier dials Niles' mobile phone from his own landline...
    Niles: Oh, no, I would love to meet you for lunch, but you know what Dr. Deutsch said, no meetings outside our therapy sessions. Oh, now, Maris... oh, wait, hold on a second, it's my other line. [presses button] Hello?
    Frasier: GET THE HELL OFF THE PHONE!
    Niles: [glares at Frasier... and proceeds to speak to him through the phone] How rude!
    Frasier: Please! Don't you realise it's also rude to be late for an appointment!?
    Niles: Oh, you are telling me about being late for an appointment!?...
    [the Crane brothers begin talking over each other, steadily getting faster and louder, until finally an irate Frasier slams his phone down]
    Niles: [whirls round to face Frasier in outrage] How DARE you hang up on me!

    Season 5 
501: Frasier's Imaginary Friend
  • Frasier's climactic rant of "I AM NOT CRAZY! I am dating a supermodel zoologist, whom I stole away from a professional football player, and she is off to the Galapagos Islands to artificially inseminate iguanas! Now is that so hard to believe?!" And when said supermodel-zoologist storms away in disgust at his efforts to prove such...Frasier takes the "glass half-full" view, as he swaggers past the gang, turns to them, and smirks, "Well...! Whadaya think o' me now...?"

502: The Gift Horse
  • Roz has Frasier pretend to be her date to convince a man who dumped her that she has moved on (since the man in question kept calling Frasier "Fraser", he hesitantly agrees). After a false start, Roz' ex enters to see Roz and Frasier in the middle of a Big Damn Kiss, and leaves with an uncomfortable look... just as Niles arrives and takes in the sight.
    Niles: [off Frasier's embarrassed look] Hello.
    Frasier: Hello Niles. Uh... you know, this isn't what it looks like, [Roz continues to nuzzle and kiss Frasier] you see, her ex-boyfriend- oh, just stop that! [pushes Roz away]
    Niles: [holds up his hand] Please, please, no explanation necessary. I assume at the next meeting of Seattle's "Haven't Kissed Roz Club," it will just be me and the archbishop! [chuckles]
    Roz: I'll save you the club dues.
    Niles: What-?
    [Roz gives Niles a Big Damn Kiss, then leaves]
    Niles: [shocked yet observant] Everyone kisses better than Maris!
  • Frasier's deliciously hammy reaction after buying a big screen TV with accompanying sound system with gigantic speakers for Martin's birthday and arriving home after the birthday party to see it fully set up for the first time.
    Frasier: Oh, dear God ... it's Stonehenge.

503: Halloween
  • Niles is on the phone with Maris as Frasier and Daphne pretend to be Merry Olde English lovers, to Niles' consternation.
    Daphne: Join me in my bedchamber, my lord?
    Frasier: After you, my juicy wench!
    Niles: "My juicy wench"?! (into phone) No, no, not you, Maris! Wait, wait! (to Frasier) I hope you're happy, she's run for her water pills!

506: Voyage of the Damned
  • Frasier discovers that the prestigious "celebrity cruise" Roz convinced him to participate in is actually full of hilariously lame D-listers.
    Frasier: You've booked me on a floating Gong Show!
  • And after Roz and Frasier meet the Barracuda:
    Barracuda: I see you are versed in the international language of love.
    Frasier: Oh yes Roz, say something amusing in Esperanto!
  • As he is preparing for his speech, Frasier admits that one of the guests, comedian Giggles O'Shea, is Actually Pretty Funny and incorporates some funny lines Giggles gave him to put into his speech. He's then horrified to learn he's only attracted a few people.
    Frasier: Giggles had to add a show!
  • Frasier, Roz and Martin are trapped hiding in the bathroom of Maris's suite:
    Roz: It's ok, I think she's gone....Oh wait! I see her coat on the hat-rack.
    Frasier: Look closer, is the hat-rack moving?
    Roz: Oh my GOD!!
  • Frasier and Roz are convinced that the Barracuda will be stopping by Maris' suite for an evening of passion; however, Martin is not up to speed on the latest turn of events:
    [Frasier, Roz, and Martin hear the doorbell buzz]
    Roz: It's the Barracuda!
    Martin: Who's the Barracuda?
    Roz: He's a sleazy Latin lounge singer Maris is going to sleep with to get back at Niles for kissing Mimi!
    Martin: Who's Mimi?
    Frasier: A horny society boozer and the Mrs. O'Leary's cow of our current predicament!
    Martin: Who's Mrs. O'Leary?
    Frasier: A woman in Chicago who- oh, I don't have the time!
  • Against all odds, Niles has smoothed things over with Maris, and she has invited him back to her suite for champagne. When Frasier, Roz, and Martin tell him she gargled with mouthwash while they were hiding in her bathroom, he implies that an evening of lovemaking is on the agenda as well. He opens the door to join her, and we get this gem:
    Niles: Oh, damn. She started without me.
    Frasier, Roz, Martin: [grimacing] Ewww...
    Niles: [glares at them] Drinking the champagne.
    Frasier, Roz, Martin: [relieved] Ohh.

511: Ain't Nobody's Business if 'I Do'

514: The Ski Lodge
  • This episode marks the series' most explicit homage to the farces of writers like Georges Feydeau, and the entire second half is an utter triumph for the writers. Frasier persuades Roz to give him the ski lodge weekend she has won in a church raffle (partly by pointing out that her pregnancy would limit her options for physical activity and partly by bribing her with a big screen TV), and takes along Niles, Martin, Daphne, and Daphne's Dumb Blonde friend Annie; the weekend includes ski lessons from French former Olympian Guy. Niles (in the early stages of divorcing Maris) is more determined than ever to pursue Daphne, who is more interested in Guy; meanwhile, Annie has her eye on Niles, while Frasier is hoping to seduce Annie. And as for Guy... he's especially interested in Niles. All it takes is Martin's cold-induced hearing impairment leading to a few miscommunications and Daphne and Annie accidentally going into each other's bedrooms in front of Frasier and Niles, then swapping back after the brothers have gone into their own rooms, and the stage is set for a series of doors opening and closing and shock discoveries of the wrong people in the wrong beds in states of undress. As if that weren't enough, Guy interprets Daphne's attempts to keep Annie away from Niles (due to her history as a maneater) as a sign that they're in a lesbian relationship. Everything gets topped off by Frasier's perfect summation:
    Frasier: Let me see if I can get this straight. All the lust coursing through this lodge tonight, all the hormones virtually ricocheting off the walls, and no one...was chasing me? [everyone else absorbs this] See you at breakfast.note 

515: Room Service
  • Lilith visits to announce her next husband left her... for a man.
    Lilith: Brian said he wanted someone more feminine... and he found him.
  • Later, Frasier meets Niles for coffee...
    Frasier: Speaking of buns I could do without, Lilith is back.
    Niles: Oh, that explains why blood was pouring from all my faucets this morning.
    Frasier: Now go easy on her. Her husband has left her, and get this: for a man!
    Niles: Damn! I owe Dad $5!
  • Frasier worries that with Lilith vulnerable after her husband has left her, they will end up in bed together against their better judgement. At the episode's halfway point, Lilith wakes up, having slept with... Niles. The significance of the episode's title comes into play when a room service waiter delivers their breakfast (Eggs Benedict for Niles, Eggs Florentine for Lilith). Lilith sends him away for ketchup; when he returns, Frasier is in the room with Lilith instead, and, unaware of Niles' presence, asks the waiter to bring up some Eggs Benedict. When the flummoxed waiter returns with Frasier's breakfast, he finds Frasier and Niles in the room.
    Waiter: (responding to others at many points of the scene) Okay...

519: Frasier Gotta Have It
  • Frasier's fling with an extreme Granola Girl. He starts to get turned off when he finds out she installed meat hooks on her ceiling, cuts her own hair and puts it in her pillows, uses dead mice for her artwork, and howls at the moon like a wolf. He's fleeing when Caitlyn asks, "Don't you think I'm worth it" and removes her top. Frasier's response: he howls like a wolf.

521: Roz and the Schnoz
  • This is one of the funniest episodes in the series, when Roz finds out the grandparents of her unborn child, Steve and Paula Garrett, have gigantic noses - and they are completely oblivious to the fact, which leaves everyone in stitches when they're not watching. It gets especially funny when they keep dropping unintentional Puns - for example:
    Paula: Daphne mentioned you're going to a dog show?
    Niles: Yes, the Seattle Kennel Club is having its annual event tonight.
    Paula: You know, Steve and I went to that a few years ago, we just love dogs! We have two giant schnauzers.
    [Niles has the fixed grin of someone trying desperately not to laugh, while Daphne has to hide her face behind her hand as she starts giggling; the studio audience are laughing hardest of all]
  • At Frasier's invitation, Roz finally ushers Steve and Paula onto the balcony of his apartment ("I could use a breath of fresh air!" says Paula, setting off Niles and Daphne again). Then Martin returns early from a failed excursion to retrace his and Duke's 1952 shore leave weekend in San Francisco, as he tells Frasier:
    Martin: [enters with a duffel bag and a sour expression] I'm home.
    Frasier: Dad! What are you doing here?
    Martin: Aw, Frisco was a bust! All our watering holes are gone, the steakhouse is a sushi bar! And then this morning Duke and I went out for a walk. We passed City Hall, and there's this big crowd, kinda like a pep rally or something. [removes and hangs up his coat] So, we joined 'em. Well, some official guy up front says something that we didn't hear, next thing you know, everybody's throwing rice, and all the men are kissing each other, and all the women are kissing each other, and I'm not sure but I think Duke and I may be married.
  • Martin is just as gobsmacked as the other four by the sight of Steve and Paula's enormous noses - and their apparent oblivion to said facial features. And when Paula offhandedly mentions that she is apprehensive about joining their son Rick (Roz's baby daddy) in Paris as she hears Parisians can be snooty, Daphne, Niles, and Martin have to leave the room for the kitchen - at which point they double over (or in Niles' case, fall over) laughing.
    Daphne: [whispering through laughter as she removes a quiche from the oven] We've got to stop, they'll hear us!
    Steve: [from the living room] Mmm, what's that I smell?
    Martin: [sotto voce] Probably Japan. [he, Niles, and Daphne double over laughing again]
  • Frasier reprimands his brother, father, and his father's live-in physical therapist for their insensitivity... and is then pushed to breaking point himself when he presents the quiche that has just come out of the oven. Fortunately, Steve inadvertently gives him a cover by reacting to his presentation of the Quiche Lorraine with "Quiche her? I hardly know her!":
    [Frasier is standing between Steve and Paula, his struggle to keep from laughing getting mightier by the second]
    Paula: Do you mind if I ask? Is this homemade or store-bought?
    Steve: Honey, don't ask that! Pardon my wife, sometimes she gets a little nosey.
    Paula: Me nosey? You're the nosey one in the family.
    Steve: Anyone who knows you knows you're nosey!
    Paula: Anyone who knows you knows you're nosier!
    [and that's all Frasier can stand; he wordlessly hands the quiche to Niles and heads for the kitchen]
    Martin: [smirking] Something wrong, Fras?
    [as Frasier enters the kitchen, he bursts into hysterical laughter, which sets off Martin, Niles, and Daphne as well; Frasier eventually appears in the doorway]
    Frasier: "Quiche her? I hardly know her!" [through more laughter] I... just... got that!
  • Frasier tries to console Roz, but she says what everyone is probably thinking:
    Frasier: You know Roz, in spite of a rather shaky beginning, I think this evening's turned out rather well.
    Roz: Oh yeah, and you were absolutely right, Frasier. Now I can see some of the qualities my baby can have. A great sense of humor... a sweet disposition... a nose like an ANTEATER!!
  • Finally, Roz gets some relief that Rick, the father, had a normal nose. Then she learns that Rick broke his nose in a hockey accident, and had plastic surgery to fix it. Steve and Paula give her a picture of Rick from before the surgery. After they leave, Roz's reaction to the picture is predictable:
    Roz: Oh my GOD!
    Frasier: Oh, come on, Roz! It can't be that bad, let me have a look!
    Roz: No, no way, no! I'll never hear the end of it!
    Frasier: Please.
    (Roz shows Frasier the photos. He looks... and quickly shows them to Niles and Daphne. They stare.)
    Niles: (awed) Where is the end of it?
  • After everything's been settled, Daphne still Trolls Roz:
    Roz: Oh, I just felt a kick.
    Daphne: You sure it wasn't a sneeze?
    Roz: (amiably) Ha. ha.

    Season 6 
603: Dial M for Martin
  • Niles enters Cafe Nervosa to find Roz and Martin sharing a table:
    Niles: I'm not interrupting anything personal, am I?
    Roz: [takes Martin's hand] Yeah, Niles, we just eloped. I'm your new mom. [Martin pats her hand]
    Niles: [smirks] Well, I'll be a son of a bitch. [Roz shoots him a Death Glare]

605: First, Do No Harm
  • This exchange in the middle of a crowded coffee shop. Too Much Information at its finest:
    Frasier: You know, you're jealous. You're jealous that I'm having sex. Jealous that I'm having hot, passionate, sweaty jungle sex. What are you having?
    [he doesn't notice the waitress behind him]
    Niles: I'm having a latte.

607: How to Bury a Millionaire
  • Niles' guided tour of his new apartment in the Shangri-La, especially the 'master bedroom' and the heavy hints as to what became of its last tenant.

614: Three Valentines
  • Niles' vignette, "A Valentine for Niles." Comparisons to Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin are not unwarranted. It was billed as "The funniest five minutes on television" in the ads. They're right. The only sound is the soundtrack (two pieces by Mozart; the finale of Symphony No.40, and the overture to The Marriage of Figaro), and it is perfect. It all starts with Niles noticing the crease in one of his trouser legs is crooked, and ends with Niles unconscious and trouserless in the doorway of Frasier's apartment, the living room and dining room covered with fire extinguisher foam, and Eddie eating the remains of Niles' dinner off the still-smouldering couch where it landed. Eddie's reactions to the chaos unfolding in front of him only add to the hilarity.

615: To Tell the Truth
  • Niles' divorce from Maris goes from bad to worse:
    Niles: That's it. I've lost. Maris has won...Niles never wins! Niles always loses! That why Niles lives in the Shangri-La and drives a HATCHBACK!

617: The Dinner Party
  • The entire episode is one long string of Crowning Moments building up to future Crowning Moments. To recap some of them:
    • First, the brothers try to set a date to throw a joint dinner party.
      Niles: Oh, what about the 11th?
      Frasier: No, concert tickets.
      Niles: I don't have that marked.
      Frasier: Yes, I'm taking a date.
      Niles: Well, isn't that nice. [writes in his diary] 11th, "Expect desperate last-minute call from F."
    • The brothers agree they can each black ball three guests they don't want at the party, and use three nuts each from the nut tray. After Frasier blackballs Niles' first two choices, assuring us that "we don't question the blackball" once it's thrown, Niles cooks up a gambit to get Frasier to use up his last blackball by suggesting a couple known to them as "The Drunken Duncans". It backfires when Frasier cheerfully pretends to accept the Duncans, forcing Niles to use a blackball on his own pick.
    • When Frasier throws in a fourth ball, Niles catches on and reaches into the bowl.
      Niles: This is a dried-up old fig!
      Frasier: So is Lucy Cromwell, I don't want her at my party.
    • They call the Walburts to invite them, but when Mrs. Walburt doesn't hang up properly they overhear her saying it doesn't matter which "Dr. Crane" invited them, "you get the one you get that other one. Personally I think the whole thing is a little..."
      • At first, Niles tries to pass it off as a compliment.
        Frasier: Oh? Is there a good end to that sentence?! "Personally, I think the whole thing is a little charming"?!
      • Cue the pair arguing over who's "the one" and who's "that other one".
        Frasier: Perhaps she has a point. Ever since your divorce you have become more and more attached to me. Maybe that's why she said what she said.
        Niles: What?
        Frasier: You get Frasier, you get that Niles!
        Niles: She didn't say that. She said "you get the one, you get that other one." What makes you think that you're the one and I'm that other one?!
        Frasier: I am the one giving the party, and you are that other one!
        Niles: I'm the one that invited her, so that makes you that other one!
        later, after some more arguing
        Niles: This is absurd! Why don't we just call Allison up and ask her what she thinks is so strange about us? We can both get her on an extension.
        Frasier: Great idea, Niles! Better yet, why don't we just get on a bicycle built for two, ride over there and ask her what she thinks is so strange about us!
      • It culminates in this:
        Niles: Why is Joaquin on such a strict diet?
        Frasier: Because the Joaquin they're bringing to dinner is... their foster child! From a tiny village on the pampas. He speaks no English and he gets nauseated when he eats American food!
        Niles: So, he's not the conductor of the Buenos Aires Philharmonic?
        Frasier: (beat) Oh, you are SO "that other one"!
      • They ask Martin:
        Frasier: Dad, do you think we're odd?
        (beat)
        Martin: No, you're not odd. You're just "special". Your mother told me that when you were kids and I still believe it.
    • This also sets up The Stinger when Martin tells the two about two eccentric brothers who shared a New York apartment and built a maze out of newspapers that one got lost in and died. After bidding farewell to Niles, Frasier takes a stack of newspapers out for recycling.
    • Frasier summing up their condition when their favorite guests have to cancel.
      Niles: So where does that leave us?
      Frasier: Well, let's see... we have a third-rate caterer with a record, a couple of lushes, a couple who think we're both nutcases, an Argentine wild child and Roz! (throws down list) Dinner is served!
    • The party plans become such a disaster that Niles has no choice but to black ball himself.
  • The B-story features Daphne and Roz going to a British Consulate ball. A stain on one of the dresses forces them to deal with who will wear the elegant Little Black Dress and who will wear the more... suggestive dress. Predictably, guess who wears the latter dress?
    Daphne: Doesn't she look beautiful!
    Roz: (extremely annoyed) Oh, shut it, Daphne! I know you think I look like a hooker.
    Daphne: No, I said it made me look like a hooker. On you... well, it works!

618: Taps at the Montana
  • Niles's cockatoo has an amazing gift for latching onto the wrong dialogue.
    Cockatoo: AWK! Stuff it, Niles.
    Niles: Ohhhhh don't tempt me.
  • The next time we see the cockatoo, she is lying dead on the kitchen table, so Frasier and Daphne cover her with a dish towel before breaking the news to Niles. Then one of his party guests enters, having spilled wine on her blouse, and reaches for the towel. Daphne quickly pushes the towel down and says she should use something much better, as Niles hands her... a piece of bread. She goes along with it, describing bread as "nature's sponge", but the look she exchanges with Niles afterward is hysterical.

619: IQ
  • Frasier and Niles have won a lunch with three Nobel laureates in a charity auction, but Frasier is left feeling insecure about his intellect after he and Niles finally look at their childhood IQ test results - and Niles scored 27 points higher than Frasier (whereas their mother had always told them the gap was two points and never specified whose score was higher). After shooing Niles out of his apartment, Frasier speeds off to the library for a cram session in the scientific journal archives, but when he meets Niles for lunch with the laureates the next day, he discovers that Niles also spent the night at the library. The hilarity of the scene starts with Frasier twitching uncontrollably after drinking endless cups of coffee the previous night, while Niles is sneezing and scratching his ear after his library session caused a flare-up of his parchment allergy.
    • Niles has already taken two antihistamine tablets, but is still sneezing, so he takes another two tablets... only to sneeze them back into his hand before he swallows them. He thinks for a moment, then downs them again anyway. The second dose sends his brain into the stratosphere without him:
      Frasier: Niles, why don't you just go home and go to bed!?
      Niles: [struggling to put the cap back on his antihistamine bottle] Well, that is exactly what you'd like for me to be happening.
      Frasier: [confused] What did you just say?
      Niles: Well... if you didn't repeat it the first time, I'm not gonna listen to it. [continues trying to line up the bottle and the lid]
      Frasier: [absorbs this] Niles, Niles, that medication, it's- it's affecting your speech! [points at the bottle; he doesn't notice his hand start shaking] You've just taken a second dose of it, for God's sakes, you're gonna make a fool out of yourself!
      Niles: [high-pitched] Well, you should talk, look at your shaky hands and your twitchy eyes, [gasps] you were up all night drinking coffee all night last night, weren't you?
      Frasier: [overlapping with the last part of Niles' sentence] No- I am not- I was not- I am not twitching, you will not psyche me into twitching! [his eye starts twitching more and more]
      Waiter: [walks over and fills Frasier's water glass] Gentlemen! May I offer you a... [trails off as he notices Frasier's eye twitching] Sir, is your eye bothering you?
      Frasier: No! No, it's fine. [his eye continues to twitch]
      Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
      Frasier: No, thank you- oh, well, yes, some coffee. Decaf!
      Niles: [scratching his ear like a dog] I'd like a cup of... tea sounds nice.
      Waiter: [clearly not sure what to make of the brothers' behaviour] ... very good. [leaves]
    • Both brothers' mental states continue to deteriorate, Niles' much more quickly than Frasier's:
      Frasier: You know what, Niles, you really should leave, you're embarrassing yourself. [he tries to take a drink from his glass, but his hand is shaking so violently that he spills it all over himself; he quickly puts it down again] For God's sakes! [frantically wipes up the spilled water with a napkin]
      Niles: [shaking his head] I'm never leaving while you're still... not leaving. You... know you had the good bed.
      Frasier: [confused] Well, now you're just hallucinating!
      Niles: No, when we moved to Wallace Lane! And we shared a room and you got to pick where you would be... having your... sleeping. [sniffs, then leans toward Frasier and puts his elbow in a plate of butter intended for bread rolls]
      Frasier: [even more confused] Niles, the beds were identical! Oh, why am I even bothering explaining this to a man who has his elbow in the butter!?
      Niles: [looks at his other elbow, which is on the back of his chair, then grins triumphantly] Well, who's hallucinationing now?
      Frasier: Niles, have you ever taken these pills before?
      Niles: No, but they've fixed my nose! [bats his ear furiously; Frasier groans] You know, I just wish they wouldn't make me so hyper! [slumps onto the table, knocking over Frasier's water glass]
      Frasier: Oh, good lord! Oh, for God's sakes, you've spilled water all over me, you jackass! [hurriedly wipes his jacket and trousers down with his napkin, but it is now soaking wet] Just give me another napkin!
      Niles: Ooh, napkin. Hello, napkin! [picks up another napkin and begins idly swinging it around] Napkin, napkin...
      Frasier: [trying to grab the napkin out of Niles' hand] Give - give - give me that! [finally grabs the napkin and wipes himself down as Niles seems to fade from consciousness] Oh, Niles, wake up, wake up!
    • Naturally, the three laureates arrive just as the brothers hit rock bottom; Frasier stands up to greet them and discovers the hard way that he has accidentally tucked the tablecloth into the front of his trousers while wiping up the spilled water, and he drags the entire contents of the table - including Niles - onto the floor. For his part, Niles, upon being introduced by Frasier, sneezes into his hand, then extends it up from where he has fallen to shake the laureates' hands (they understandably decline).
    • Later that evening, Frasier reveals that the spectacle didn't end there; after the abortive lunch with the laureates, Niles did $1,000 in damage by knocking over the aquarium on his way out, leaving Frasier with a mental image of his brother sprawled across a bed of live koi and weeping as he tried to perform CPR on the plastic diver - an image that he says he will re-visit whenever he feels insecure about Niles' supposedly superior intellect.

620: Dr. Nora

    Season 7 
701: Momma Mia
  • Frasier begins dating a woman whom Niles and Martin immediately notice as a dead ringer for the late Hester Crane. However, Frasier hasn't noticed the resemblance between his mother and his girlfriend, leading to the following hilarious exchange between Niles and Martin after Frasier berates Niles for his bug phobia and insists he seek professional help:
    Martin: God, she looks just like your mother!
    Niles: I know. And Frasier... doesn't see it.
    Martin: You're kidding!
    Niles: No. And he has the gall to tell me I'm blind. He's clearly the one dealing with repressed material, not to mention the obvious Oedipal issues.
    Martin: [nodding] Argle gargle google goop.
    Niles: ... what?!
    Martin: Now you know how it feels, what are you talking about!?

702: Father of the Bride
  • After Frasier accidentally offers to pay for Daphne's wedding (due to a bad case of the hiccups), he and Martin are desperate for an excuse to back out without hurting Daphne's feelings. Cue the following:
    Martin: Donnie's not gonna let us pay for this! We're not even family!
    Frasier: Yes! You saw how he proposed, on bended knee! He's nothing if not a hopeless romantic!
    [Frasier opens the door to find Donnie on the phone]
    Donnie: Any idiot knows you gotta pay a hooker in cash!
  • Later in the same episode, Frasier is desperately trying to convince Niles that his new "girlfriend" Sabrina is actually a high-class call girl:
    Frasier: Niles, does Sabrina laugh at everything you say? Is she fascinated by everything about you?
    Niles: Well...
    Frasier: Even your collections?
    Niles: [Defensively] Yes. I even showed her my collection of rare 18th century Portuguese bud vases.
    Frasier: And how did she respond?
    Niles: If you must know, she was rather aroused. She said she loved a man who collects porcelain and oh my God, I'm dating a whore! ... They have my credit card number! I've been running up a tab!

707: A Tsar is Born
  • One word: "VENEER!"
    Sara Briggs:note  But the real masterwork is the unique Art Deco headboard. It features a variety of veneers.
    Martin, Frasier, Niles: VENEER! [all three take a sip of their drinks]
    Sara Briggs: Mahogany veneer...
    Martin, Frasier, Niles: VENEER! [all three take another sip of their drinks]
    Sara Briggs: ... burled walnut veneer...
    Martin, Frasier, Niles: VENEER! [all three take yet another sip of their drinks]
    Sara Briggs: ... and zebra wood veneer.
    Martin, Frasier, Niles: [now looking a bit dizzy] VENEER! [they still all take a sip of their drinks]
    Sara Briggs: And now, back to our...
    Frasier: Oh, God... next week we gotta pick a different word.

709: The Apparent Trap
  • Martin knocks on the front door after hiding from Lilith and asks Frasier in a bad whisper, "Is the witch gone yet?" and sees her over Frasier's shoulder. "Oh, Lilith! I was just asking Frasier - is my twitch gone yet?" Complete with very bad fake facial tic. To which Lilith only deadpans, "Skillfully done, Martin."
  • Niles is going to say goodbye to Freddy and finds him playing a PS2. Freddy gets him to play and everything afterwords is pure gold.
    Freddy: That's your guy, you've just escaped from an intergalactic maximum-security prison pod.
    Niles: Like they could hold me.
    [Niles immediately dies by falling over in the training level.]
    • Freddy is in awe because he didn't know it was even possible to die there. Niles then spends the entire episode failing at the game, and when Lilith comes through to talk to him, she takes the controller and starts playing. Extremely well.
    • At the instant when Lilith enters the room, the game character screams.

710: Back Talk
  • Although this episode is best remembered for the Wham Line in the third act (Frasier, flying high on painkillers, unwittingly tells Daphne that Niles has been in love with her for six years), it still has room for humour, especially when Frasier decides to act on Roz' suggestion that he "medicate" his back pain by talking about things that are bothering him... to Eddie. Frasier doesn't see Daphne enter behind him and overhear him say that he loves her (platonically, but he doesn't specify as much) and needs to tell her before she moves in with Donny, but Eddie does see her; when Frasier finishes his "confession" (and Daphne has fled the room in shock), he notices that Eddie has buried his face in the couch.
    Frasier: [angrily] You know, there are subtler ways to let the patient know his hour is up!

713: They're Playing Our Song
  • Only Frasier could take a simple request for a pre-show jingle and turn it into this.
    Daphne: It was like Gilbert and Sullivan - only frightening.

715: Out with Dad
  • In the first scene, you have this exchange of insults when Niles tries to get Frasier to give his opera ticket to Mel.
    Niles: [entering Frasier's apartment on the phone] I can't wait either! I, I, I'll see you in twenty minutes, valentine! [makes kissing noise into phone, then hangs up]
    Frasier: [aghast] That had better be the seat duster in our opera box!
    Niles: No, it was Mel! At the last minute, she decided to skip her conference!
    Frasier: So!... I'll be going to the opera by myself.
    Niles: [pretending the idea has just occurred to him] Oh! Well, here's a thought! If you give Mel your opera ticket, then you won't have to be alone! You can stay here and, and watch fun movies with Roz and Daphne! [looks at the VHS case in Roz' hand] Ooh!... Dying Young! It's a... classic!
    Frasier: [incensed] I am surprised by your gall. At the last moment, you... you not only bail on me, you expect me to give up my own ticket!?
    Niles: Please, Frasier, put yourself in my shoes. I have to do something for Mel. Every restaurant in town's been booked for weeks. I ran into Archie Wilfong today. He told me he had to settle for two seats at the counter at "The Salad Experience!" What would you suggest I do?
    Frasier: Bring your own wine and order the Spicy Caesar!
    Niles: [shoots Frasier a Death Glare as he storms to the door] May your opera box be full of cellophane crinklers and the stage swarming with standbys!
    Frasier: GET OUT! [Niles slams the door behind him]
  • Deciding to make his move on Emily Browning, a fellow operagoer, Frasier recruits Martin to accompany him, but Martin inadvertently attracts the eye of Emily's mother, Helen, and, wanting to spare her feelings, confirms her guess that his lack of interest is because he is gay. Emily agrees to go back to Frasier's apartment with him, but Martin's lie comes back to bite him when Emily and Helen agree that Emily's uncle, Edward, would be a perfect match for Martin, and he accompanies Emily back to Frasier's. Frasier learns of Martin's lie from Emily and confronts him over it, but is unable to explain that Edward has been brought as a prospective match for him before he agrees to "gay it up" a little. It all builds up to the following hilarious exchange:
    Edward: [off Martin's claim that he stoked Frasier's interest in art and "upholstery"] Were you in the arts?
    Martin: Oh, well, actually, Ed-
    Frasier: [deciding to cut Martin off before he spins a lie he cannot rein in] Dad was a cop.
    Edward: Really? [grins] The, er... uniform and everything?
    Martin: [smiles back, missing the innuendo] Yeah, in fact, uh, that's what happened to my hip. I took a, uh, bullet trying to break up a robbery. Yeah, I called for backup, but it never showed up.
    Emily: [sighing with indignation on Martin's behalf] Because you were gay.
    Martin: [taking Emily's hand] Don't think I didn't wonder about that. [Frasier rolls his eyes] Yes, that was the day I came out. I was lying in that alley, covered with blood, bullet in my hip, and I said, "That's it, I'm gay, I like myself, and I'm not living a lie anymore!" [Frasier rolls his eyes again]
    Edward: I had exactly the same experience when I came out! [puts his hand on Martin's knee; Martin does a Double Take, his eyes nearly coming out of their sockets. He hides his shock for Edward and Emily, but shoots Frasier a horrified look; Frasier smiles triumphantly] Not exactly, perhaps. Yours was a bullet in the hip. For me, it was a Lufthansa steward named Gunter.
  • Martin asks Frasier to accompany him to the kitchen to confront him over the setup, but Frasier refuses to come clean in the interest of preserving his date with Emily and to make Martin squirm after he lied to Helen. They emerge from the kitchen to find Edward and Emily talking to Daphne, who is no stranger to being set up with gay men herself (cf. "The Matchmaker"):
    Frasier: [exiting the kitchen with Martin] Daphne!
    Edward: We've just been chatting with your delightful physical therapist, Marty!
    Daphne: [indicating Edward] Oh, he's a charmer, this one! Now aren't you glad you went to the opera? I keep telling him he should get out more, meet people. Most nights he just sits here, alone, watching the telly.
    Emily: [also indicating Edward] He's the exact same way. He'll watch anything!
    Daphne: With him it's mostly sport. Just give him a bunch of sweaty men chasing each other around a field and he-
    Frasier: [quickly] Daphne! [grabs her arm and pushes her toward the kitchen] Where are we keeping the Camembert these days?
    Daphne: [startled] Same place we always do!
    Frasier: [sotto voce] Get in there!
    Emily: You were smart to hire a woman for physical therapy. Much safer than a man. Edward sprained his leg last year.
    Edward: All right, Emily.
    Emily: I never trusted that man.
    Edward: All right, Emily!
    Emily: Why you loaned him your boat-
    Edward: All right, Emily! [he smiles at Martin and shrugs helplessly]
    [from the kitchen, we hear Daphne splitting her sides laughing; Frasier emerges a few seconds later, covering by laughing as though he and Daphne have just shared a joke]
  • To Martin's increasing alarm, he and Edward end up getting on so well that Edward asks him if he's free for dinner, and he tries another face-saving lie by pretending he is already dating someone. Enter his unwitting boyfriend...
    Edward: Marty, you don't have to spare my feelings.
    Martin: No, no, really, it's true!
    Niles: [opens Frasier's front door] Hello.
    Martin: Darling!
    Niles: [so confused he cannot move or speak for a few seconds] ... sorry, am I interrupting something?
    Martin: [grinning ear to ear] Not a thing, honey, just... take off your coat and stay a while!
    Niles: [even more confused] Okay. [hangs up his coat] Uh, I, uh, felt bad about that little squabble earlier, so, uh... I thought I'd drop off this little peace offering. [picks up a bottle of wine]
    Martin: [laughs] As if I could stay mad at you! [puts his arm around Niles] Uh, Edward, uh, this is my boyfriend, Niles. [Niles is dumbfounded] Niles, uh, this is Edward, we met at the opera tonight.
    Edward: [shaking Niles' outstretched hand] Delighted.
    Niles: Hello.
    Edward: You needn't look so startled, I assure you there's nothing funny going on!
    Niles: [clearly thinking otherwise, but for different reasons] Oh, good.
  • With Frasier's date having taken a promising turn moments before, Frasier tells Niles that he has only one option: he must dump Martin. He does so in the funniest way imaginable:
    Frasier: So, Niles! You actually, uh, missed a, a splendid evening at the opera.
    Niles: Well, maybe I can catch it this weekend with Mel.
    Martin: [feigning playful jealousy] Oh, and who's Mel?
    Niles: DAMN you and your jealous questions, you don't OWN me! [storms off in a huff, sharing a look with Frasier before grabbing his coat and heading to the door]
    Martin: [stunned] Niles, I was only asking!
    Niles: You're ALWAYS asking! Badgering! Spying on me! Well, I won't be suffocated anymore! I'm tired of being your trophy boy! It's over! You hear me!? Over! [sniffs haughtily] And I'm keeping the jewellery. [sweeps off, slamming the door behind him]

720: To Thine Old Self Be True
  • Frasier giving a stripper pointers on showmanship. He ends up handcuffed to her after insisting she use the prop handcuffs for her policewoman costume - and inevitably discovers she doesn't have the key. Even better is Martin's initial reaction when the attempt to cut the chain fails and Frasier says there's only one method left:
    Martin: [panicking] Well, I gotta warn you, I'm not as good a shot as I used to be... we're gonna have to go out on the balcony- I need a cup of coffee to steady my nerves!
    Frasier: DAD!... I meant go to a locksmith.

721: The Three faces of Frasier
  • Frasier finally gets a caricature on the wall of Stefano's, the upscale Italian restaurant at which he has been a regular customer since childhood. However, he is unamused to see that the caricature sports a Forehead of Doom, and as he, Martin, and Daphne return home, he vents his frustration:
    Martin: Fras', will you let it go, it's a perfectly nice picture!
    Frasier: Oh?... so, nothing jumped out at you as, I don't know, encephalitic!?
    Martin: So they gave you a big forehead, who cares? It makes you look smart!
    Frasier: It makes me look like I discovered fire!
    [later, after Niles (who bowed out of going to Stefano's after a childhood vomit incident) has arrived and asked what the surprise was]
    Daphne: They put his picture on the wall and he thinks his forehead looks a touch too big.
    Frasier: A touch?! I look like a fugitive from Easter Island!

722: Dark Side of the Moon

    Season 8 
812: The Show Must Go Off

814: Hungry Heart
  • Due to anxiety issues leading to overeating (and because actress Jane Leeves was pregnant) Daphne has become very fat, a story arc that culminates in this episode. She falls over and hurts her ankle and it takes the three Crane men (Frasier, Niles and Martin) to lift her off the floor. Martin's innocent delivery of the following line, clearly believing Daphne will find it amusing (she doesn't), is icing on the cake.
    Martin: Hey Daphne, I just realized something! It took three Cranes to lift you!

816: Docu.Drama
  • John Glenn in the recording studio, while Roz and Frasier are having a discussion. The Selectively Oblivious astronaut-turned-senator goes on a spiel about his days in the space program...giving an increasingly strong implication that he and the other astronauts were told to cover up some of the things they saw up there....

819: Daphne Returns
  • After Niles realizes that he's been idealising Daphne too much for too long and needs to come to terms with the fact that she's flawed and human rather than put her on a pedestal, he decides to confront her insecurities head-on and demonstrate to her that he is willing to do this. Unfortunately, he decides to do this by insulting her cooking, much to her annoyance, which leads to an argument where certain other truths are revealed:
    Niles: Then I don't know what you want! I can't read minds, you know! And by the way, neither can you.
    Daphne: [Offended] Are you saying I'm not psychic?!
    Niles: Not if you thought I loved your cooking!
  • Daphne tops everything with this line when Niles thinks they're going to have make-up sex.
    Daphne: (icily grinning) Well, at least we know who's not psychic.

    Season 9 
903: The First Temptation of Daphne
  • In the B plot, a particularly noisy cricket invades Frasier's apartment. Martin insists that Eddie, as a terrier, is a born hunter, and sics him on the cricket. Eddie immediately begins chasing his own tail.
  • Time passes, and Frasier is unable to sleep through the cricket's chirping, leaving him a nervous wreck.
    Frasier: Dear god, can't you make him shut up!?
    Martin: That prayer doesn't get answered around here.

906: Room Full of Heroes
  • The kids in the building are terrified of Frasier, because Martin told them that "Old Man Crane" eats brains. It becomes a Running Gag throughout the episode, and the end of the episode features Frasier appearing to pull Niles' scalp off.

912: Mother Load, Part 1
  • Frasier tries to get Daphne's mother and brother out of the apartment by praising the wonders of America with an inspirational speech (while in a feud with the apartment above):
    Frasier: "This land is rich with snow-covered mountains, sun-kissed beaches, wild, untamed rivers and a warm, loving people ready to embrace you. Immerse yourself in the spectacle and the grandeur that are these United States — this America!" (enormous American flag unrolls over the windows directly behind him)
    Niles: How did you do that?

915: The Proposal
  • There's an absolutely hysterical Funny Background Event at the end of the episode. Daphne has just accepted Niles' proposal after Frasier has surreptitiously ushered out the musicians, waiters and angels who he and Niles had hired to make it memorable. A man with a trumpet walks out of the bedroom upstairs, about to play a fanfare as Daphne and Niles embrace... And Frasier tackles him back into the room.

916: Wheels of Fortune
  • This part is pretty self-explanatory:
    Blaine: Now now, he has every right to be up here. He is one of God's creatures.
    Frasier (defensively): I am no such thing!

918: War of the Words
  • Niles' encouragement for Freddie at the end: "SPELL HIS ASS OFF!!!" The entire episode plays up "The Bee" for maximum melodrama as though it's a Samurai Code or something. Especially the "legend" of Niles Crane.

919: Deathtrap
  • Frasier and Niles stumble upon a disembodied skull. Their dramatic reactions are definitely something to behold—and the camera work brings it Up to Eleven. The funniest part is that the audience already knows it's a fake skull from a previous scene in Flashback showing young Frasier and Niles talking about getting it for their play, then losing it.
    Niles: So...perhaps the poor fellow...met his end in some—some sort of...violent accident!
    Frasier: Violent, yes... (looks up at Niles)...but an accident...?
    Niles: (MAJOR pull to close-up; long pause; eyes bulge) MURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDER!!!
    Frasier: MURDERRRRRRRRRRRRRR MOST FOUUUUUUUUUUUUUL!!!

920: The Love You Fake
  • During Frasier's feud with Cam Winston, one of his victories is getting Cam restricted from parking his SUV in the parking garage by arguing it pollutes.
    Cam: Oh, get off your high horse. You do your fair share of polluting with that substitute for masculinity you're driving.
    Frasier: If mine's a substitute for masculinity then what is yours?
    Cam: Bigger.

921: Cheerful Goodbyes
  • Phil (played by Phil Perlman, Rhea's father) stands up to offer a toast.
    Phil: I just wanna thank you Cliff, for all the great times we had at Cheers.
    Cliff: You were always there for me, Al.
    Phil: I'm Phil. Al's been dead for fourteen years, ya dumb son of a bitch!note 
  • Carla's epic put down of Cliff, in which she vents about the last 20 years of knowing him.
    Carla: I sure do. Cliffy, I know that things haven't always been that great between us over the years, but being here tonight, makes me think about the effect that you've had on my life. I'd like to say that I'll miss you... I'd like to say that I'll miss you...
    Frasier: It's okay, Carla.
    Carla: I'd like to say that I'll miss you... but it sticks in my throat like your rotten deviled eggs! (increasingly loud and angry) I hate your guts! The way you talk and talk and talk about nothing! The way you walk, your stupid white socks...
    Frasier: Carla!
    Carla: (to Frasier) Back off, I'm toasting! (to Cliff) The twenty years I've known you would have been less painful if I was covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with, with a bunch of diseased rats. But finally, you're leaving! I know I'm not as young as I used to be, but I can live again. I can live again! Finally, I can live! I can live!
  • And even funnier: Cliff then decides that he can't leave friends who can joke around like that.
    Carla: I wasn't joking! I really hate you! No! No! No!

922: Frasier Has Spokane
  • The KQZY station manager tries to distract the press during a disastrous press conference announcing Frasier's replacing of a Spokane radio legend.
    Herm Evans: Hey, what's this over here? Free liquor?!?

924: Moons Over Seattle
  • It seems Martin's job as a security guard has hit a bump in the road:
    Frasier: Hey Dad, how was work?
    Martin: Oh, great. I finally busted that guy who was writing "Seymour Butz" on the sign-out sheets.
    Frasier: So who was it?
    Martin: Senior Vice-President Butz. I'm on probation for a week.
  • Frasier tries to clear the air after sleeping with Roz.
    Frasier: I seem to recall the word 'stallion-like'!
    Roz: I never said stallion.
    Frasier: Well, one of us did!

    Season 10 
1001: The Ring Cycle
  • When Niles and Daphne are holding a fake wedding after they eloped, Roz has the unfortunate task of driving Daphne's mother. Fortunately, she gets taken down. By Alice Doyle of all people.
    Gertrude: In my day we never drove so recklessly, and do you know why?
    Alice: (completely sincerely) Is it because you used to ride dinosaurs?
    (everyone stares at Alice in shock)
    Gertrude: (to Roz) You should talk to your daughter. (walks off)
    Roz: (to Alice, beaming) When we get home you're getting ice cream.

1002: Enemy at the Gate
  • After a mishap concerning getting out of paying for a parking garage he didn't use, Frasier rushes back to KACL in time to finish his show. Unfortunately, Roz, in her attempts to fill in for him, unintentionally told everyone that she slept with Frasier. When asked about what happened during "the incident", Frasier describes the parking garage incident instead.
    "Well, it certainly wasn't my finest hour. I got in, realized I made a mistake and then tried like hell to get out. There was a lot of shouting and then a line started to form behind me. You'd be surprised how long 20 minutes can be when you're watching the clock. Fortunately, my brother was there to serve as moral support, and (let's face it) someone to talk to. At least, in the end, I got out of there without paying the four dollars."

1005: Tales from the Crypt
  • The rehearsal for the "zombie" prank (especially Martin's sarcastic acting)—and the grand finale.
    Frasier: (To one of the "zombie" actors) I am getting "dead" from you.... I am not getting "undead".

1006: Star Mitzvah
  • Frasier asks Noel Shempski to translate his blessing for Freddie's bar mitzvah into Hebrew, and promises to get Scott Bakula's autograph in return. When he fails to do so, Noel gets revenge by translating the blessing into Klingon instead.
  • As part of the celebration, Martin digs out an old camera. Frasier and Niles hate it because it's loud, clunky, and the flash is blinding. Martin enjoys torturing the boys with the camera flash, but has only one problem with it:
    Martin: Hasn't failed me yet! Oh, well except for that one Thanksgiving when the flash washed Lilith out so bad all you could see were her hair and eyes.
    Frasier: That wasn't the camera's fault, Dad. That bloodless skin has confounded even the most experienced photographer.
  • Later, Martin has the camera set up on a tripod. During a conversation that Frasier turns particularly awkward, he casually makes his way over to the camera, trips it, and uses the distraction by the flash to make his escape. The loudest one to cry out from the flash? Martin.
  • Frasier apologizes to Noel by sending him Joan Collins' wig from "The City on the Edge of Forever". Noel has a Nerdgasm, but Roz doesn't get it, saying, "A wig? That's cruel, even for Frasier!"
  • In The Stinger, we see the pictures from Martin's camera, post-development. The first few are re-creations of the pictures Martin (and Frasier) took over the course of the episode, but the last two are of Frasier lunging toward the camera, berserk with fury.

1010: We Two Kings
  • When Niles and Frasier are arguing over where to have Christmas:
    Frasier: But I've had new stockings loomed, and there see, you made me spoil the surprise! And did no one hear me say that I have ordered an Hungarian goose?!
    Niles: Which you are more than welcome to bring over to our place.
    Frasier: It's not my date - it's dinner!
  • Later in the episode:
    Frasier: (to Niles) Copernicus called - you are not the center of the universe!

1012: The Harassed
  • Gil has a great bit, an epic Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today? moment.
    Gil: From the bottom of my heart, I apologise for my wandering eye over the years. Those whom I mentally undressed, and... you know who you are...
    (A male and female co-worker look at each other confusedly)
    Gil: ...all I can say and it's a poor defense is that I was a product of the thoughtless machismo of my time.
    Van Andrews: (running the harassment seminar) Thank you, Gil.
    Gil: But know this, Gil isn't about to stop loving the ladies.
    Van: Ah, Thank you, Gil. I think they like to be called women now.
    Gil: Ha. Do they ever.

1013: Lilith Needs a Favor
  • The title refers to Lilith wanting Frasier to "donate" so they can have another child. When Lilith arrives earlier than expected, Martin immediately proves his comment to Frasier that he can't come up with a good excuse on the fly by coming up with a classic I Need to Go Iron My Dog excuse just to get away from her:
    Martin: I have to go... practice... my signature.
  • While Frasier reflects on the situation, Martin absently goes off on a tangent about how Lilith has "seen what the Crane genes can do"...which leads to him speculating that if Frasier turns Lilith down, she'll go to Niles—who would in turn her down...which would lead to...
    Martin: She'll go straight to the source...! (Look of horror) ...Me...! The fountainhead...!
    Frasier: (Long pause) What?
  • Martin then goes on a tangent about the complications in family dynamics that would cause:
    Martin: Can you imagine? Lilith's and my kid would be brother to you and Niles and Freddie... And if you and Lilith got back together, you'd be his step-father and his brother and Niles would be your son and his own uncle! It's almost worth doing just so that I can tell the story!
  • The prolonged sequence when Frasier is in the private room in the sperm clinic—and Lilith keeps knocking on the door to give him pointers—leading to an epic—
    Frasier: IF THERE IS ONE THING THAT I CAN DO BY MYSELF...!

1014: Daphne Does Dinner
  • Daphne, now a member of the Crane family, shows she's really a member by throwing a dinner party. You can see where we're going here...
    • Daphne tells Niles that his track record for throwing parties with Frasier is a disaster, so Niles excludes a very indignant Frasier from the preparation process. The party is intended to celebrate a painting by artist Mike Shaw (who has been invited but declined) that Niles is donating to an art gallery. However, as Roz prepares to leave after helping set things up, she and Daphne discover that Roz' daughter Alice has written her name in crayon on the Shaw painting, and Daphne sends Roz and the painting to an art restorer while replacing the painting with one of Alice's drawings and covering it with a cloth. She then has to spend the rest of the evening defending it from one of the guest's attempts to get a peek.
      Daphne: You've got two choices: you can either walk away from the painting, or you can limp away from the painting.
    • While she is distracted, the Cornish hens in the oven catch fire, and the caterers have closed for the day, necessitating an emergency call to Frasier...
      Frasier: [hanging up the phone] As usual, Frasier has to save the day.
      Martin: [not looking up from scratching the back of Eddie's neck] As usual, Martin has to hear about it.
      Frasier: [taking a pan of Cornish hens out of the oven and pulling a sheet of foil off a roll] Suit up, boys! We're goin' in!
    • The argument between Frasier and Niles means that Frasier's presence in the kitchen must be kept secret from Niles (resulting in Daphne physically ejecting Niles from the kitchen as the evening wears on); meanwhile, an unenthusiastic Shaw arrives, having been persuaded to attend by his gallery, but only meets a couple of guests before joining Daphne's mother to watch a pay-per-view boxing match upstairs. Said guests have to leave early and describe Shaw to Niles as a plain-spoken older man dressed in a plaid shirt and using a cane, a description Niles notices matches Martin - who has just arrived with a set of ramekins at Frasier's request. Unaware of Shaw's presence, Niles assumes that Martin has been mistaken for the artist and tries to usher him out, but the other guests begin engaging him in conversation, and soon he is launching himself enthusiastically into the role by verbally tearing into every piece of art Niles owns, with the guests hanging on his every word. (As the real Shaw didn't want to attend due to his contempt for pretentious "art connoisseurs", he likely would have done something similar...)
    • Frasier's presence and the painting's absence finally collide when Niles, who has known Frasier was in the kitchen for a while, struggles with him and ends up getting coated in his signature Cornish hen sauce. Martin grabs the nearest cloth so that Niles can clean himself off... and it's the cloth covering Alice's crayon drawing. Daphne almost smooths things over... until the fact that she ordered the installers of Niles' new chandelier to stay on and end up performing a rush job comes back to bite her, as the chandelier brings down the whole living room ceiling - and her mother's bed, with Mike Shaw and Mrs. Moon snuggling under a pile of coats.
      Frasier: [putting his arm around Daphne] Daphne, congratulations. You're now officially a Crane. [Daphne bursts into tears]
    • In The Stinger, Niles walks into the still ruined living room on his way to work and shouts up through the hole in the ceiling for his briefcase.

1015: Trophy Girlfriend
  • Frasier dating a gym teacher is pure comedy gold, especially after he visits her class and she turns into his old gym teacher from school. Cue a LOT of Squick until Frasier manages to work it out....

1016: Fraternal Schwinns
  • Frasier and Niles pretending to know about bikes.
    Niles: Call me crazy but I like a bouncy tire.
    Frasier: Two bouncy tires, and a taut chain. ...That's good ridin'.

1018: Roe to Perdition
  • The B plot has a hilarious example of For Inconvenience, Press "1". After getting $60 from an ATM instead of the $20 he wanted to get, Martin is persuaded by Daphne to call the bank's toll-free customer service line. Inevitably, he struggles with the voice-activated menu, and Frasier's attempts to help do just the opposite...
    Martin: [into phone, angrily] PER-SON-AL!
    Niles: What'cha doing, Dad?
    Martin: Oh, this stupid bank's automated voice system. It's, it's like a maze!
    Frasier: All right, give it here. [taking the phone from Martin] You just push 0, and you'll get an operator. [presses the 0 button] Little trick I learned. [listens] Another menu. Hm. Sometimes it's a star. [presses the star button; listens] All right, maybe 1 will get me back to a main menu. [presses the 1 button; listens] Ah. Here you go. [hands Martin the phone]
    Martin: Got me to the right department?
    Frasier: No, but if I remember my high school Spanish correctly, you just qualified for a small business loan. [Martin throws his arms up in frustration]
  • So Martin and Daphne go to the bank in person to straighten things out, but the tellers think they owe Martin $40, and the branch manager to whom he needs to speak to give back the now $80 the bank has given him erroneously is out of town. The manager who tells him this does offer an alternative, and picks up the phone and dials...
    Manager: [listens, then enunciates] Per-son-al. [Martin sinks into a chair in despair]
  • To Martin's shock, he gets a postcard several days letter revealing that the bank has misunderstood his request again and credited him another $80, so he goes back. Daphne has parked the car in a loading zone after dropping Martin off, but Martin, having already received one parking ticket on his visits to the bank, tells her to pull around to the front, saying he shouldn't be long, and Eddie might be panicking. A security guard overhears this conversation, and when Martin advances to the desk and testily orders the teller to listen to him and do exactly what he says before reaching into his jacket, the security guard jumps to what seems like the obvious conclusion and draws a gun on him. Cut to later, and the bank president tells Martin that they are offering him $10,000 not to press charges, plus the $40 from the original mistake. Martin gives up trying to clear up the misunderstanding and accepts the settlement.
    Bank President: That's wonderful. Now, is there anything else I can do for you?
    Daphne: Could I open an account?

1021: The Devil and Dr. Phil
  • Bebe is trying to get Frasier back...and back into bed. Niles has the most perfect remark on this—ever:
    Niles: I have it: Bebe wants to have sex with a human male to bring about the Apocalypse.
  • The scene in Bebe's hotel room.

    Season 11 
1101: No Sex Please, We're Skittish
  • Niles and Daphne avert the Law of Inverse Fertility. It started with her mistaking a pregnancy test for an ovulation test, then they put two and two together...
    Niles: But, my slow sperm...
    Daphne: I must have fast eggs.

1102: A Man, a Plan and a Gal: Julia
  • Having decided that he suffers from a case of Minor Flaw, Major Breakup when it comes to his girlfriends and trying to break the pattern, Frasier tries desperately to pretend that he's perfectly happy with his unpleasant, rude new girlfriend Julia Wilcox. The pretence gets gradually more and more strained:
    Frasier: Isn't this fun? I'm having a good time.
    Daphne: She certainly takes a lot of calls at dinnertime.
    Frasier: You know, that's exactly the kind of...flaw that the old Frasier would have...seized upon as a pretext to end the relationship, but I-I know now that... that impulse to run is-is really an indication that my feelings for her are just deepening, and um... gone are the days when I would have said something like... [despite his best efforts, his real feelings begin to break through:] "How rude!" ... or "She's horrible. I've made a ghastly, ghastly mistake!" [Forced smile returns]
  • Later, Julia is playing Pictionary with the Cranes and Daphne. Frasier makes a bad drawing, which causes Julia to make snide comments on all of them before choking on something. When Frasier finally notices, he excuses her to the bathroom. The following conversation ensues...
    Frasier: You can't understand the kind of feelings Julia and I have for each other! You may as well ask me to describe the essence of music, or the... the color of starlight!
    [Julia emerges from the bathroom.]
    Julia: Nice towels, Frasier. You'd think a couple of old ladies lived here.
    Frasier: Get out!
    Julia: [disbelieving] Excuse me?
    Frasier: I said "get out"!
    Julia: I'm sorry; have you lost your mind!?
    Frasier: No, that happened earlier when we slept together!
    Julia: Are you breaking up with me!?
    Frasier: You're damn right I am!
    Julia: I want my purse!
    Frasier: And I... my handtowel!

1103: The Doctor is Out
  • Niles chooses the worst possible moment to shout above the music in a gay bar:
    Niles: (to Frasier, just as the loud music cuts out) WILL YOU PLEASE TAKE ME HOME!?
  • When the techno blares out in full force, Frasier starts bobbing to the beat.
  • Patrick Stewart as Alistair giving a nice twist on the Gaydar trope—in that his character is himself gay. His reaction to Niles being married to Daphne:
    Alistair: No.
    Niles: Oh, we're expecting!
    Alistair: Can't say I was...!
  • Frasier keeps insisting that Alistair thinks that he knows Frasier isn't gay and is just being a good friend. Niles snarks back the perfect line:
    Niles: He thinks I'm gay and I'm standing next to my pregnant wife!
  • Then you have Alistair inviting Frasier to a party and to watch an opera rehearsal. Niles has stood up and is pining to be taken, too.
    Frasier: I would love that. Let me just grab my coffee. Good-bye, Dad. (mocking) Niles.
    Niles: (jealous) Did you see that? I would kill to go to that party. (pouts) I was at that gay bar too, you know.
    Martin: (annoyed) Let's see: one of my sons just got picked up by a guy. My other son is jealous. Yep, life is good.
  • Daphne says she fantasizes about being a buddy of Peter O'Toole. When everyone is invited to Alistair's party:
    Daphne: Will Peter O'Toole be there?
    Alistair: No - and he knows why!
  • Frasier and Alistair are tangoing, very closely, as Frasier tries to "break up" with him.
    Alistair: I want to thank you for waiting.
    Frasier: (nervous) Oh no, the waiting was good, I enjoyed the waiting.
    Alistair: (hungrily) Oh, me too! How it sharpens the appetite. (holds Frasier closer) How it builds! The intensity, the heat, the desire! Can you feel it?!
    Frasier: (horrified) Oh yes, there it is!
  • Followed by this:
    Glinka: Don't they make a stunning couple?
    Niles: (barely bursting from laughing) I'm more stunned by them each day.
  • The episode ends on Frasier "breaking up" with Alistair, with this corker of an exchange.
    Alistair: Would you mind staying tonight until my other guests have gone? I'd hate my friends to think I've been jilted.
    Frasier: Of course.
    Alistair: It won't be very late. Around about 3:00 it's down to the core crowd, and we'll all relax and unwind.
    Servant: It's after midnight, sir. Shall I fire up the hot tub?
    Alistair: Absolutely.
    Frasier: I'm afraid I don't have a bathing suit.
    Alistair: (smiling) Then you'll fit right in.
    (Frasier's smile freezes as the implications dawn on him.)

1107: Maris Returns
  • This scene from Frasier's return to private practice.

1108: Murder Most Maris
  • Frasier (in a horrified-sounding voice) milking the fact that he was "recently—PUNCHED in the face...by a man now dead!" to distract from an argument is pretty funny. The fact that it works is even funnier. That he does it twice more through the episode and it works every single time? Crowning Moment.
  • The last straw.
    Frasier: Niles, look at yourself.
    (Niles glances down at his naked self.)
    Niles: Hello! (to Frasier) I think I'm having that dream where I'm naked at Nervosa!
    Frasier: I think a lot of people are having that dream.

1111: High Holidays
  • Niles thinks he's high on a pot brownie (which was actually eaten by Martin instead) and is looking forward to the munchies. His idea of the munchies is pairing a Chilean seabass with an aggressive zinfandel.

1112: Frasier-Lite
  • Frasier has trouble keeping his weight loss team on point:
    Frasier: Good team, good friends. (realizing his weight loss team is going to the birthday party to get cake) Good God! People, please, it's not worth it! It's sheet cake!
  • Later, just before the final weigh-in:
    Noel: I see giant steaks with legs.
    Bulldog: You're hallucinating. (slaps Noel) Just pull it together.
    Kenny: Uh, no, he's right. It's the Beef Council dancers, they're on after us.
    (Noel slaps Bulldog right back)

1114: Freudian Sleep
  • The way Martin allayed the other three characters' tension about their nightmares:
    Martin: Blah blah blah. (To Daphne) Afraid you're going to lose your looks? Happens to everyone. (To Frasier) Afraid you're going to end up alone? You'll still have your family. (To Niles) Afraid you're going to be a bad father? Join the club. Now clam it up and go to sleep.
    Niles: I'm starting to regret inviting him up here.
  • Martin and Eddie's dreams in the episode. Of course, since Martin sang a rather catchy tune in his dream, this is equal parts Funny Moment and Awesome Music.

1115: Caught in the Act
  • This exchange:
    Roz: (on Frasier's brief marriage with Nanny G at a children's book store) So, uh, Nanny Gee gave you nice "hugs"?
    Frasier: Oh, big hugs.
    Roz: No kidding.
    Frasier: We used to hug our brains out. In fact, you know, the last time we saw each other she wanted to have a little reunion hug, but alas, I was still married to Lilith and settling for my weekly handshake.
  • A great line of Reality Subtext:
    Nanny G: But nothing ever changes! Do you have any idea what it's like to play the same character for twenty years?
  • This exchange when Frasier and Nannette start making out wildly.
    Daphne: (aside) Isn't she the children's entertainer?
    Martin: (aside) Yeah. Spongebob Hotpants.
  • The final scene was so hilarious the studio audience reportedly had to be muted.

1116: Boo!
  • The moment when Frasier - tired of being the butt of Martin's practical jokes - retaliates by pretending to leave the apartment, dressing in a clown outfit, hiding in the bathroom and then leaping out with a meat cleaver in hand when Martin passes by...causing Martin to promptly collapse with a heart attack and have to be rushed to hospital. Followed by meeting the screaming coulrophobic patient who was the inspiration for the outfit.

1117: Coots and Ladders
  • The Dramatic Thunder sounding off at moments so perfect, Frasier and Niles pull double-takes. And the dramatizations of Niles's conjectures of exactly what Frasier's beating himself up about.

1122: Crock Tales
  • In the 2002 vignette, we get this gem of Purple Prose even by Niles' standards:
    Niles: Last night, Daphne and I engaged in sweet carnal delights.
    (because of the way he pronounced it, though, Martin just has to ask)
    Martin: Did you say "carnal" or "caramel"?
  • Niles is so distracted by his euphoria over the consummation (several times over, apparently) of his relationship with Daphne that he has forgotten to bring Roz a birthday present, and hastily wraps the earthenware crock that features in each of this episode's vignettes. Frasier's "Yes, I know, don't say anything" gesture to Martin as Roz unwraps the gift is priceless.
    Roz: [deadpan] It's a crock. With a chipped lid, [lifts lid] and a dead bee. Thank you, Niles.
    Niles: [not really listening owing to the "come hither" look Daphne has been giving him] Glad you like it.
  • The 1999 vignette opens with Frasier in costume as Uncle Sam for the KACL 4th of July parade float, telling Martin to wear the remote headphones he bought him so that he doesn't have to hear the baseball games Martin watches. Martin insists that Frasier deliver this instruction in character...
    Frasier: [handing Martin the headphones] Dad, I bought you these headphones so that I wouldn't be subjected to your sports dribble! Please put them on!
    Martin: All right, I will. But only if you say it.
    [Frasier is halfway to the kitchen; his shoulders sag in dismay, but he decides that if this is what it takes...]
    Frasier: [turns and points to Martin in imitation of the famous World War I recruitment poster] I WANT YOU... to wear those headphones! [Martin laughs]
  • Daphne, dressed in clashing polyester for an "ugly American" party with her English friends, and Niles, asking if "Uncle Sam" didn't just hand him a mattress sale flier, are about to leave with Frasier when he notices the bunting on his balcony is askew, but as they go out to fix it, the door handle comes off in Daphne's hand, locking them outside. Martin can't hear them through his headphones, while when Roz arrives (in costume as Betsy Ross), she goes straight out onto the balcony to watch a Blue Angels fly-by and gets locked out as well. Neither Roz nor Frasier have their phones, so Niles begins digging in his blazer pockets. Just as he finds his phone, Daphne exclaims that the heat is too much and starts stripping off; as this vignette takes place while Niles was still pining for Daphne, he immediately replaces his phone in his pocket.
  • In the 1996 vignette, set when Niles and Maris were still married, we get a vintage joke about her neurotic nature:
    Niles: [entering from the corridor to Frasier's bedroom in a huff] Well. I finally got Maris calmed down. [picks up a glass of champagne from the bookshelf] I hope you're happy!
    Frasier: All I said was, "Maris, why the long face?"
    Niles: Yes - and now she's on the phone to her chin grinder in Zurich.
  • Roz' arrival heralds both an explanation of how the crock entered Frasier's life and a nod to the Roz-Niles snark of the series' early years:
    Martin: Hey, you hungry, Roz? There's cheese here! [lifts the lid off the crock] Oh... nobody opened it!
    Frasier: Dear God, Dad, that's... three years old, throw it out!
    Martin: No, it'll be fine! You sure you don't want any? [reads the label on the underside] The label says it's "famously spreadable"!
    Niles: Funny, Roz, doesn't your label say the same thing?
    Roz: [smiling thinly] What does yours say, Niles - "May cause drowsiness"!?

    Other 
  • When Star Trek celebrated its 30th anniversary in 1996, UPN aired Star Trek: 30 Years and Beyond to mark it. Part of it was a skit that showed Daphne, Niles, Martin and Roz (and, eventually, Eddie) as the Voyager bridge crew under the command of a very flustered Janeway - obviously, Frasier himself was absent because he had already been Captain Morgan Bateson over on TNG. But even despite that, the sight is surreal and a barrelful of laughs. The signature early series Frasier jokes are all there; Niles' fussiness (complete with dusting down his chair with his handkerchief) and secret lust for an oblivious Daphne, Roz' sexual appetite and Niles' snarky remarks thereon, Martin's gruff sarcasm and longing for a technologically simpler age (Janeway drily notes that the communicators in his day consisted of tin cans on a string), Daphne's supposed telepathy (which picks up Niles' desire for her and yet still leaves her none the wiser)... who can blame Janeway for deciding to initiate the ship's self-destruct sequence?

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Funny/Frasier