Frasier Seasons 4 To 6 / Funny

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Season 4

401: The Two Mrs. Cranes

As the episode opens, Daphne is alarmed when Frasier tells her a "Clive" called for her:
Daphne: Did he sound British?
Frasier: No, he was one of those fiery Mexican Clives!
Meanwhile, Martin tells his sons and Daphne that his old platoon are having a reunion the following weekend at Rattlesnake Ridge; as this is five hours' drive from Seattle, he will need a chauffeur.
Martin: Come on, they're great guys - Stinky, Wolfman, Boom-Boom, Jim. Of course, his name's not really Jim, we call him that because he likes to drink Jim Beam. Just like we call Hank "Bud" because he drinks Budweiser. Come on, you'd love these guys!
Niles: We're sherry drinkers, Dad. Think about it. Anyway, I have a conference that weekend.
Daphne: And I have my friend Megan's birthday party.
Martin: Fras?
[the phone rings]
Frasier: Oh, please let that be Megan needing a clown for her party!^note
The caller is Clive, Daphne's ex-fiancé; she dumped him for having no ambition, but said they might try again in five years, and that was five years ago, so he's back to try his luck again. She reluctantly invites him to Frasier's apartment for drinks that evening and plans to let him down gently. She makes a point of dressing for the occasion:
Daphne: [from the corridor to her bedroom] Dr. Crane, I need your opinion on this outfit. I wanted something that said "no romantic signals whatsoever." [she enters wearing a long, heavy wool cardigan]
Frasier: Well, short of a cactus corsage, I think you've captured it.
The doorbell rings; it's not Clive, but Niles, who is clearly determined to act as a third wheel in case Daphne takes Clive back after all. Frasier tries to bundle him out of the apartment, but then Clive arrives and wastes little time in announcing that he is as in love with Daphne now as he was five years ago. So begins a brilliantly written and executed Snowball Lie as Daphne introduces Niles as her husband of six months. Niles' elated giggle after Daphne introduces him as her husband - twice - is pure hilarity.
As Niles and Daphne exit to the kitchen, Frasier comes out of hiding - and is confused when Clive says he knows Niles' wife quite well:
Clive: She's one of a kind, that one.
Frasier: Isn't she? [they both laugh]
Clive: Certainly can light up a room.
Frasier: Oh yes, usually by leaving it! [laughs again, oblivious to Clive's confused outrage]
Niles and Daphne are alarmed to see that Clive now knows Frasier is Niles' brother; to cover up his presence at "their" apartment, they say he is estranged from his wife, Maris. Determined to milk the charade for every drop, Niles invites Clive to stay for dinner, to Daphne's horror; Frasier blackmails her into driving Martin to his reunion in exchange for playing along. And then Martin enters; Daphne drags Clive out of the room so Frasier and Niles can bring him up to speed:
Niles: So this is my place. Frasier is staying here temporarily, because he's separated from Maris.
Martin: Couldn't stand her either, huh?
(Martin and Frasier bust a gut laughing)
But when Frasier and Niles offend Martin by suggesting he can't keep up with the lies (never mind that it overlaps with his skill set from his undercover police work), he starts screwing with everyone. Things get better as someone knocks at the door, to the horror of Frasier, Niles and Daphne.
Frasier: [nervously] W-Who is it?
Roz: Open up, Frasier, it's me!
Martin: Well, what do you know, it's Maris!
Frasier gets Roz to play along, but she is instantly attracted to Clive and brushes off Frasier and Daphne's attempts to get rid of her. Meanwhile, Martin amuses himself and spites his sons by claiming he used to be an astronaut.
Niles: So now you've met the whole Crane clan!
Clive: Although, Daphne, I noticed in the phone book your surname still is Moon.
Niles: That must be an old book. Now she hyphenates; it's Moon-Crane.
Martin: (wistfully) I remember the first time I ever drove a moon crane. I nearly rolled it into the Sea of Tranquility.
The web of lies becomes so messy, everyone has to pause before deciding it's safe to give Eddie's name.
It seems Clive has turned his life around since Daphne dumped him; he went from a parasite who spent every day working on a clapped out old car to a successful businessman who owns three sporting goods stores and keeps himself in good physical shape; Daphne is forced to admit to herself that she's attracted to him again, but unfortunately, Roz is making no secret of her own attraction in spite of the "Maris" charade. Daphne, getting fed up with Roz's behavior, confronts Frasier in the kitchen, threatening to blow the whole situation, rather than go to Rattlesnake Ridge with Martin.
Frasier: You wouldn't.
Daphne: Wouldn't I? And by the way, Stinky needs a ride!
Frasier: (gasp)
Things escalate when Daphne ups the stakes by implying "Maris" has a drinking problem. Roz goes to DEFCON 1 by "revealing" that Daphne is pregnant. Things really fall apart from there; Daphne acidly points out that she kept it quiet because "Maris" is barren. To try and defuse tensions when "Maris" looks to be within seconds of breaking Daphne's nose, Niles blurts out that it's not her fault, it's because "You see, my brother is impotent!" Cut to Frasier, slumped on the couch and clearly utterly done with the whole mess, who just waves his arms in a fed-up "Yeah, whatever, Sure, Let's Go with That, I'm all out of craps to give with this situation anyway" fashion.
The beautiful punchline to the entire thing after Clive overhears an argument over the tangled mess of lies and delivers a "The Reason You Suck" Speech to Frasier for breaking up with "Maris" over her reluctance to return his opera glasses, to Niles for his snobbery in showing off "his" apartment, and to Daphne and Roz for flirting with him despite the former being pregnant and the latter having just reconciled with Frasier.
Clive: Well, I pity your child, Daphne. And I pity any good Manchester girl that comes here to this vile, coffee-swilling Sodom and lets it change her like it's changed you.
Daphne: But I haven't changed! Really, we're not the awful people you think we are!
Frasier: Yes! The truth is - we've been lying to you all night!
And Clive's last words before leaving, his parting shot at the brothers Crane:
Clive: I'll never understand how two people like you could've been spawned by that sweet, courageous old astronaut.

402: Love Bites Dog

Niles decides to advertise his practice and gives Frasier a copy of the ad.
Frasier: All right. (reading) "Dr. Niles Crane. Jung specialist. Servicing individuals, couples, groups. Satisfaction guaranteed. Tell me where it hurts". Well, that's just excellent, Niles. All you're missing now is a very tasteful cartoon of you smiling brightly and holding a shrunken head!
Niles: Sorry I didn't hear you. I was too distracted by your face going by on the side of a bus.
Of course, the ad company accidentally prints a Freudian Slip. Hilarity Ensues.
Frasier: "Dr. Niles Crane. Hung specialist." (Beat) Oh my.
Niles: The rest of it was surprisingly accurate. "Servicing individuals, couples... groups..." (Beat) "Satisfaction guaranteed"... (looks at Frasier with some consternation) "Tell me where it hurts."
Frasier: Well... any calls?
Niles: It's a telethon.
Everything about Frasier talking "like a guy" to get Bulldog back in gear, but especially...
Bulldog: I like the sound of this.
Frasier: (Gruff) Yeah? So do I! It's unattractive—yet liberating, rather like the one and only time I wore a European bathing suit...!^note
Frasier talking "like a guy" doesn't work too well with Niles however.
Niles: [hanging up a pay phone in the KACL corridors] Distressing news, Frasier: Francois gave away our table.
Frasier: [still on a testosterone rush from talking to Bulldog] SCREW HIM!
Niles: ... excuse me?
Frasier: You heard what I said! We don't need him or his stinky little restaurant! There are plenty of restaurants in town, I say we go somewhere we don't even need a reservation! [without missing a beat, Niles slaps Frasier hard across the face; Frasier calms down] Thank you, Niles.
Niles: You're welcome.

403: The Impossible Dream

Frasier has a weird dream involving Gil. He first tries to talk about it with Niles:
Frasier: It's a bit hazy. It starts out, in a seedy motel room. I'm naked.
Niles: Interesting.
Frasier: Yes, well. I roll over, and discover on my, my forearm a tattoo, with the word Chesty.
Niles: Interesting.
Frasier: Yes, and uh then, then the shower turns off, and out from the bathroom steps, a man. (Beat) Alright go ahead, let me have it!
Niles: Are you saying that now, or is it a quote from the dream?
After talking it out with Niles he thinks he's resolved the issue causing him to have the dream and declares loudly:
Frasier: Thank God! Tonight I can sleep peacefully knowing there'll be no motel room, no tequila bottle and no naked man in my bed!
[Sees the waitress standing behind him]
Frasier: So then, the rabbi says...
Frasier and Martin have an exchange where Martin notes that the reason he didn't take Frasier to see West Side Story (1961) as a child was because gangs were scary:
Frasier: Even gangs that dance?
Martin: Especially gangs that dance!
Frasier and Niles trying word association to figure out Frasier's dream problem.
Niles: Well, now... focus on any detail in the motel room. What's the first thing that pops into your mind?
Frasier: Uh... a crescent-shaped lamp.
Niles: Perfect - crescent-shaped lamp. Run with that. (increasingly manic) Crescent... moon... Daphne Moon... French maid... brass bed... satin robe... —
Frasier: (interrupting) NILES! This is my dream!
Niles: I was just showing you the process.
Frasier: You were three words away from a cigarette!
While Niles and Frasier analyze Frasier's homoerotic dream, Gil shows up fully Trolling Frasier:
Frasier: We're both too intelligent to waste time on the obvious interpretation.
Niles: Yes. (Beat, then giggles) But you must admit, it's rather intriguing.
Frasier: Would you stop? It's obviously screaming for a Jungian interpretation. The sexuality in the dream is surely symbolic of some deeper, non-sexual conflict.
Niles: All right.
(Gil appears, with the biggest, smuggest grin Edward Hibbert ever wore on the show.)
Gil: (slyly) Good afternoon, Frasier.
Frasier: (This Is Gonna Suck tone of voice) Gil.
Gil: A little birdie tells me I was featured in your midnight movie.
Frasier: That's very clever. Off you go.
Gil: Very well. I'll see you tomorrow. (suggestively) Or should I say, "See you in your dreams"? (leaves)
Niles: (pause, then) In this dream of yours, were there any cigars, bananas or short, blunt swords?
Frasier: Would you stop it?!
Martin and Daphne trolling people in the elevator by having "secret" conversations literally behind their backs—on such awesome nonsense as Daphne being in Witness Protection (with Martin as her FBI handler) and their engaging in international smuggling!
Daphne: How'd you get the stuff through customs?
Martin: (smugly) They never check the wooden leg.
The punch line of the episode: Sigmund Freud appearing to Frasier in a dream to congratulate him on figuring out the Gil dream. And to get into bed. Cut to the only exterior shot of Frasier's apartment building ever in the show.

405: Head Game

In the opening scene, Frasier has a favour he wants to ask of Niles:
Niles: Just think: hundreds of radio psychiatrists all in the same location. One well-timed avalanche and the dignity of the entire psychiatric profession would be restored.
Frasier: [Chuckling] Oh, good one. I can always count on you for some witty retort.
Niles: I insult you and you compliment me. Could the request for a favour be far behind?
Frasier: Damn, you are perceptive!
Niles: Oh, stop it!
Frasier: Oh, all right. Listen, Niles, I'd like you to do my show for me for the week I'm gone.
Niles: Me standing in for you? I'm sorry, Frasier. I couldn't presume to fill those big floppy red shoes of yours.
Frasier: Please, Niles. Look, I'm begging you. The station wants to replace me with Helen Grogan, better known as Ma'Nature. She does a gardening show and I'm just a little worried that a week of discussing well-rotted manure will weaken my listener base.
Niles: It hasn't yet!
Frasier: [Menacing] Very well. You leave me no alternative but to call in my marker.
Niles: [worried] What marker?
Frasier: ... Oh, I think you know.
Niles: You wouldn't.
Frasier: I would.
Niles: You can't!
Frasier: I will.
Niles: That was three years ago!
Frasier: I don't recall there being any statute of limitations. I distinctly recall that when you asked me to go out with Maris's sister, you said that you would owe me one "forever".
Niles: But you only spent one evening with Brie! That hardly compares with what you're asking me to endure.
Frasier: [Snapping] Oh?! Shall I refresh your memory?! Midway through the opera her ermine muff began to tremble. As it turned out she had used it to smuggle in her adorably incontinent Chihuahua. Just as I thought we'd reached the low point of the evening I suddenly felt a sandpaper tongue licking my earlobe. Alas it did not belong to little Herve! Fortunately my shriek coincided with the on-stage murder of Gondolfo! Roz will expect you on Monday at two.
Niles: [Pompously] For your information, Brie had a very tough road growing up. It's not easy going through life with one nostril.
Frasier: Did I mention she had a cold that night?
Niles: [Defeated] Monday at two it is.
When Niles tries to break it to Reggie that he can no longer see him (as a patient) because Reggie only wants to rub Niles' head for good luck rather than because he legitimately is trying to get over his case of the Yips, it comes across as a lover's breakup, with a security guard overhearing:
Niles: Does this concern you?
Guard: It's starting to!

406: Mixed Doubles

After Daphne is dumped by Joe, Niles decides to finally try and ask her out, which Frasier doesn't approve of. So when Niles comes over the next day...
Niles: I know I don't have your total support in this, but... how shall I put this?
Frasier: You don't care?
Niles: If you could work the phrase "rat's ass" into there, you'd have it.
Frasier gets a phone call, for Daphne and asks Martin is she's in.
Frasier: Dad, is Daphne in her room?
Martin: Gee, I dunno... DAPHNE! HEY, DAPH! DAPHNE!
Frasier: For God's sake, I can yell! (into the phone) Could you hold, please?
Martin: Been waiting thirty years to do that.
Daphne reveals the source of the phone call is a man she was introduced to by Roz the night before. As she explains this, Niles glowers furiously at Frasier.
Daphne: I suppose it's a bit soon for me to be seeing anyone else, but if I wait, he might not be available when I'm ready.
Niles: Timing is everything.
Niles decides to go to the same bar Roz took Daphne to, figuring he might meet someone. Frasier advises caution.
Frasier: That's not exactly your arena, is it? Listen, why don't you just give it a day and think it ov-
(Niles gives Frasier an icy Kubrick Stare)
Frasier: Here, let me dial that for you.
Frasier decides to turn the tables on Eddie for all the times the dog has stared at him. Their Staring Contest lasts about ten seconds before Frasier gives up and breaks away.
Frasier: It's time he learned what it's like to be stared at all the time. Bring it on, Buster, you got nothin'. You can't touch me, I'm — Gaah! (breaks away, clutching his eyes) It's like his eyes turned into sorcerer's pinwheels and started spinning!
Frasier is evidently between dates, since he's way too excited about finally completing a collection of antique cups he owns, themed around the wives of Henry VIII, having finally found Anne of Cleves.
Martin: He loves to rub it in. I'm still looking for Wilma to complete my juice glass set.
Niles and Frasier go into the kitchen to talk about his new girlfriend Adelle.
Niles: I feel as if I've been rescued. I no longer worry about becoming one of those pitiful losers, embittered by a failed marriage, leading a lonely, pathetic life of... (sees Frasier's unamused expression) of fulfillment and good times!
Frasier: Shouldn't you make a beeping noise when you back up like that?
When Daphne is introducing her new boyfriend Rodney, an eerie doppelganger of Niles (except that he has brown hair instead of blond), to Frasier and Martin, Martin gets a call from Duke:
Martin: Oh, I can't talk now, Duke; I'm in The Twilight Zone!
The result is that a weirded-out Fras and Martin retreat to the kitchen.
Frasier & Martin: What the Hell was that?!
Frasier: I think maybe we should put a little red mark on the real Niles so we can tell them apart!
Niles momentarily follows them, apparently not having noticed Rodney's resemblance.
Martin: What do you think of Rodney?
Niles: (sneering) Bit of a pretentious fop, wouldn't you say?
(Martin and Frasier chortle)
Martin: He doesn't remind you of anyone?
Niles: Remind me of anyone?
(Rodney enters)
Rodney: So sorry, but about my coffee: I neglected to mention that I like my milk steamed. But just a dollop of foam, such as might give the effect of a cumulus cloud reflected in a still pond.
(Niles stares levelly at Rodney)
Niles: Consider it done.
(Rodney leaves. Niles turns to look at Frasier and Martin)
Niles: I want to kill myself!
Frasier and Martin try to laugh off the resemblance, but Niles is understandably a little upset that Daphne's dating Rodney, given Frasier's advice to give Daphne space is what led to this situation in the first place.
Martin: Come on, Niles, it's funny!
Niles: No! It's not remotely funny! Frasier talked me out of approaching Daphne on the night she fell for that man!
Frasier: You can't possibly be mad at me!
Niles: (with fake calm) No, no, Frasier, I'm grateful. Come here. Let me show you how grateful I am! (he grabs a whisk from Frasier's utensil jar and advances murderously toward Frasier)
Martin: Niles, calm down! (intercepts him and wrestles the whisk from him as Daphne enters, cheerfully oblivious)
Daphne: Isn't Rodney just great?
Martin: Oh, yeah, nice guy.
Frasier: (overlapping with Martin) Yes, great, lovely man.
Daphne: You know, I think it was the moment I broke up with Joe, and I heard a voice say "Daphne, it's time you went for a completely new type of man."
(she leaves, as Niles goes berserk and grabs a spatula)
Niles: (to Frasier) You're a dead man!
The Brick Joke to Frasier's cup collection comes when Rodney compliments Daphne's hair. There's a breaking sound from the kitchen.
Frasier: (cautiously) Anne Boleyn?
Niles: (unapologetic) Catherine of Aragon!
(Frasier winces in horror)
Later, Niles and Frasier discover that Rodney on a date at Café Nervosa with Niles' new girlfriend Adelle, and Niles is furious - on Daphne's behalf.
Frasier: Whatever you do, do not engage him in a physical fight! The whole thing would just look too weird!
- Also, this little Bait-and-Switch manages to be funny, awesome and heartwarming simultaneously thanks to David Hyde-Pierce's delivery:
  [After finally seeing Rodney and Adele together]
  Niles: [Horrified and enraged] I don't believe it! The betrayal! No one treats Daphne like that!!!
As Niles leaves to break the news of Rodney's infidelity to Daphne, Frasier has one last question for him:
Frasier: You know, there's just one thing I'd like to ask you, Rodney... do you have an older brother?
Rodney: As a matter of fact, I do. [bitterly] He's always been the pride of the family. Handsome, successful, brilliant. I've always been rather jealous of him.
Frasier: [smirking to himself] Spooky... [exits, leaving Rodney and Adelle thoroughly confused]

407: A Lilith Thanksgiving

As the episode opens, Frasier, Niles, and Martin are preparing to spend a "rustic" Thanksgiving in the mountains with Freddie and Lilith (Niles' last-minute checklist includes a case of fine wine and confirmation of the delivery time of the Thanksgiving dinner, suggesting that the day will be about as rustic as a visit to the Space Needle). Niles is dejected at the idea of spending Thanksgiving without Maris, and Martin is less than thrilled at having to spend the holiday with Lilith, leading to an unwinnable war of insults between the Crane brothers:
Martin: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I won't be having my dream Thanksgiving either. Why does Lilith have to tag along anyway!?
Frasier: She just didn't want to spend the holiday alone, her... husband is off in New Zealand exploring a volcano!
Martin: Why couldn't she go with him?!
Niles: Well, because, if she accidentally fell in, the shockwave from the hottest thing in nature meeting the coldest would actually crack the Earth in two. [he and Martin laugh]
Frasier: As if a smile from Maris couldn't freeze mercury! [Niles looks outraged and sets down his sherry glass in preparation to return fire]
Martin: Guys, let it go, nobody's gonna win this one.
Just then, the phone rings...
Frasier: Hello?... Yes, Lilith!... yes, Lilith... yes, Lilith...
Martin: [to Niles] Gee, it's like they're still married.
Lilith has called with news that Freddie has passed the entrance exam to the Marbury Academy, Boston's most prestigious prep school, but the headmaster, Dr. Campbell, needs to interview them before a final decision can be made, and he can only see them on Thanksgiving morning. So the Cranes' Thanksgiving is transferred from Seattle to Boston, and their arrival at Lilith's house heralds a classic example of Niles-Lilith sniping:
Lilith: [opening the fridge] Niles... I'm afraid with this interview, I'm running a little behind schedule, so I'm enlisting you to help with the turkey. [removes the turkey from the fridge and shuts the door with her hip]
Niles: Oh. Well, I've never cooked a turkey before, but, uh... [sees an open cookbook on the kitchen table] the recipe's here, I guess I can fumble my way through. How far along are you?
Lilith: [putting the turkey in a roasting tin and patting it dry with kitchen roll] I'm nearly done defrosting.
Niles: [unable to resist this opening] And the turkey? [Martin tries not to laugh]
Lilith: [unamused] Might I suggest you stuff it?
Followed almost immediately by a classic example of Frasier-Lilith sniping:
Frasier: My God... are you half as nervous as I am?
Lilith: And then some.
Frasier: Oh, we have got to master our nerves! It is vital that we appear to be well-adjusted, responsible parents. [an idea occurs to him] L-Lilith, do you still keep the valium with the contraceptives?
Lilith: Sorry. I needed the last one just to go in and pick up the application.
Frasier: [like brother, like brother...] I'll assume you meant the valium. [tries and fails to hide his smirk]
Lilith: [as unamused as she was by Niles' snark] Perhaps before the interview, you should sheathe that butter knife-sharp wit of yours.
Frasier: Ah. Perhaps we could find the appropriate kitchen tool to ratchet down that bun of yours a notch or two!
Meanwhile, Martin and Niles are trying to keep Freddie entertained, but instead succeed in turning him into a walking disaster magnet.
- First, Martin insists on playing catch with Freddie, only to hit him in the eye with the baseball, leaving him with a very obvious bruise. As Freddie goes outside to retrieve his MedicAlert bracelet, Niles chides Martin for his choice of activity:
  Martin: I still don't know how it happened, I lobbed it right to him!
  Niles: [opening a jar of dried herbs and sprinkling them into a measuring cup] Oh, when are you going to learn, Dad, the only things the Crane boys are skilled at catching are sarcastic nuance and the occasional virus.
- Martin and Niles agree not to engage Freddie in any further activities that might cause him harm while they are staying with Lilith. Seconds later, Freddie returns with his MedicAlert bracelet - just as Niles opens the freezer door straight into his face, leaving him with a bloody nose. Martin hurries Freddie upstairs to give him medical attention as they hear Frasier and Lilith return:
  Niles: Wait, wait, wait, how am I going to explain this to Lilith??
  Martin: Oh, I don't know! How did you give Maris bad news?
  Niles: Well, usually by breaking a tranquilliser into her SlimFast.
- To make Freddie feel better, Martin gives him bubble gum, but as he has two cotton buds up his nostrils, he has to breathe through his mouth and it pops straight into his hair, leaving Martin with no alternative but to cut it.
  Martin: Uh, you think maybe I should trim his bangs a little bit?
  Niles: Maybe you should put the scissors down while he still has one good eye.
- Niles, meanwhile, tries to make Freddie feel better by letting him lick the spoon he has used to make remoulade, a treat he remembers Hester giving him when he was Freddie's age. Unfortunately, the poor lad is horribly allergic to anchovies, breaking out in hives in seconds. Frasier and Lilith choose this moment to return again:
  Martin: Freddie! You got any pills for this?
  Freddie: I got pills for everything.
- Unfortunately for Freddie (and fortunately for Martin and Niles), none of his misfortune crosses Frasier and Lilith's radar, as they are too busy sabotaging his chances of getting into Marbury through overthinking things, leading to a climax to the subplot that represents one of the series' better moments of silent comedy. Dr. Campbell makes the mistake of implying that if Frasier and Lilith can produce a fully cooked turkey for his Thanksgiving dinner (his own having failed to cook properly), he might let Freddie into the school (actually just a ploy to get rid of them once and for all). In a dialogue-free scene, Niles bastes the turkey as Martin races into the kitchen, grabs an ice pack from the freezer, and races out again, followed by Niles with a bottle of wine and an exasperated look. While they are out of the kitchen, Frasier and Lilith return, take the turkey out of the oven, and carry it out to the car. As the timer goes off, Niles returns, then opens the oven, and is thoroughly confused to find the turkey gone. He even checks the other oven.

408: Our Father, Whose Art Ain't Heaven

Frasier trying to give Niles, who is having problems with Maris stealing guests for his party, some advice.
Frasier: By calling her so many times, you're give her all the power. You're better off coming from a position of strength.
Niles: Don't pour that sherry on your shirt, it will stain.
Frasier: What?
Niles: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was the portion of the afternoon where we gave each other patently obvious advice.
Martin, having previously been arguing with Frasier about who pays for meals when they go out, suddenly "remembers" that he and Frasier agreed he'd take them out to dinner when Daphne reveals her planned meal for the evening is sheep's head stew. Or not, as Daphne just wants the apartment to herself.
Roz hears about the bull painting and tries to offer advice to Frasier with a story from her own life.
Roz: Did I ever tell you about my ceramic hippo collection?
Frasier: Oh, yes, many times.
Roz: The hell I did. Shut up and listen.
Niles tries phoning Maris to confront her about spreading rumours which are putting people off his party... and immediately folds like a deckchair when she lets him attend hers.
Frasier: Thank God for the starch in that shirt or there would be nothing holding you upright.
The "bull painting" incident, leading to Frasier, Martin, and Niles having an epic cryfest...
Frasier: (crying) I made...our father cry!
Martin: (crying) I'm not CRYING!
Frasier: Well, I am! I'm the most—ungrateful son there is!
Martin: I can never do anything for my sons!
Niles: (Beat, then bawls) No one wants to come TO MY PARTY!!!

409: Dad Loves Sherry, The Boys Just Whine

Daphne asks Sherry what perfume she is wearing:
Sherry: It's called M'ladies Boudoir. You wouldn't believe what a bargin it is. For a hundred bucks I could buy enough to drown myself in.
Niles: (aside, to Frasier) I've got $60.
After discovering that Frasier and Niles can't stand Sherry, his new girlfriend, Martin tells them he won't bring her around anymore and scolds them for not being welcoming to someone he cares about. As he stomps off to the kitchen in a huff the brothers look ashamed of themselves...and then it hits Frasier:
Frasier: WAIT A MINUTE! When did you ever make any of the women we were involved with feel welcome?!
Niles: Oh Frasier, you're right! He almost got away with that!

410: Liar! Liar!

At the beginning of the episode, the gang (and Bulldog) are back from the latest award ceremony. As part of this routine, Roz phones her grandmother, or "gammy", claiming she's won an award and everyone's celebrating (Niles and Bulldog obligingly supply flat "yays"). And when she signs off...
Niles: You lied to Gammy?
As the conversation turns to lies, Daphne shares another bizarre story about how she claimed she had a stillborn conjoined twin.
Daphne: 'course, it didn't help my social life at all. (sighs wistfully) But for a while there, it was nice to have a sister.
(in the silence that follows, Niles takes Daphne's glass from her and hands it to Frasier)
Bulldog, bummed out by the heavy talk, suggests going for a more fun atmosphere. Roz lures him to the door, and once he's out, slams it behind him and locks it.
Roz: No good lies, my ass.
The second act begins with Frasier and Niles having the most Faux Horrific moment possible - they're wearing matching suits. And worse, matching shoes. They wince in pain.
Frasier goes to meet John Rajeski in prison, feeling guilty over the possibility of having led him on the road to prison. Niles turns down the offer to go with him, insisting Frasier just tell him he's an ex-pat, so when John asks after Niles...
Frasier: He's abroad now.
John: Really...? Whoa, that must'a hurt.
Frasier: No, no, I mean... uh... (gives up) Well, yes, I suppose it did.
Frasier is just about to confess to John how he feels he's responsible for the man's lousy lot, when a large, burly-looking black man enters, in a neck-brace, apologizing for touching John's comb.
Niles, having injured his back adjusting his car seat, gets offered a massage by Daphne, unaware of just how powerful her deep heat lotion is. Naturally, he jumps at the chance to have Daphne touching him, telling her to "frost me like a cake", but when the lotion starts to kick in, his tune changes, bolting into the kitchen to dump a bag of frozen peas and roll a tub of ice cream on his back. So while Frasier is calling up the wife of a man he thinks he set on the path to prison, Daphne drags a helpless Niles off to the bathroom to apply a second coat...
Frasier: Mrs. Rajeski? Hello, you don't know me, but I'm-
(sound of Niles screaming in agony from the other room)
Frasier: Well, that's remarkable. Yes, I am a friend of your husband...
Frasier goes to do free marriage counseling for Rajeski by talking to his wife about how much he loves her. Unfortunately, she turns out to be... frisky — and addicted to danger sex ("You see, I can only get really turned on when there's something that makes the whole situation sort of dangerous"). The thought of her husband coming home to catch her and Frasier in bed excites her — and terrifies Frasier.
Frasier: (horrified) Oh, Dear God! He's out of jail, isn't he?
Susan: (aroused) He could walk in at any time.
Frasier: He'll kill us!
Susan: (writhing in pleasure) Oooooooh, touch me here and say that!
Frasier hides and escapes by setting off the sprinklers with his lighter. Rajeski thinks that is what his wife had planned.
John: Oh my God. I knew you had something planned — you set the building on fire!
Susan: No I didn't, I swear.
John: Come on, let's get out of here.
Susan: (getting hot) Oh, but the firemen — they're on their way.
(Rajeski literally PICKS HER UP and carries her out, as she squeals in excitement)

412: Death and the Dog

Because the episode is told as a Whole Episode Flashback by Frasier on a particularly slow day to a caller who says she has suddenly spiralled into a depressive funk, we get some hilarious Lampshade Hanging when the story includes the B-plot about Roz' date with gynaecologist Stephen Kagen. Initially, the story is interrupted by Roz hammering on the glass and glaring at Frasier while holding up her clipboard, on which she has written "Why are you telling her this?" Later, after Roz attempts to tell some of the story herself and Frasier cuts her off, the flashback shifts to a Squicked Roz arriving at Frasier's apartment to reveal that her date turned out to be a collector of antique gynaecological equipment - cut back to the present as an irate Roz upends a cup of water over Frasier's head.
Frasier: I just got the signal from Roz that we're running out of time.
The episode's A plot revolves around Eddie spiralling into a similarly depressive funk to Frasier's caller, hence his decision to tell the story. Early in the episode, Frasier gets into an argument with Martin and Daphne over their belief that Eddie can understand human speech; cut to the scene from Eddie's POV, and it seems Frasier's right, as all three are speaking complete gibberish apart from the occasional "Eddie". Moments later, after Martin suggests bringing in a dog psychiatrist, Frasier and Niles begin throwing around psychological terms, and we cut to Martin's POV as their conversation devolves into gibberish apart from the occasional "Dad".
When Arnold Shaw, the dog psychiatrist, interviews the three Crane men and Daphne, Frasier and Niles spend most of the interview snarking, especially once Shaw starts giving Martin a personality quiz regarding how he thinks Eddie would behave as a human being. Daphne's contributions to the quiz involve giving her answers after very long pauses, and following them up immediately with "I don't know why." Once Shaw and Eddie have gone into Martin's room for a one-on-one session, we get this gem:
Daphne: [completely out of the blue] If Eddie were one of The Beatles... I think he'd be George. I don't know why. [exits to the kitchen]
Frasier: [to Niles, imitating Daphne's vocal inflections] And yet she's never been committed. I don't know why!
After everyone gets massively depressed, the real reason for Eddie's behavior comes out: His favorite toy, a naked Barbie doll, had gotten stuck down the back of the couch. Once he's got it back, he's happy again.
This exchange, as everyone's thinking about death:
Frasier: We know for whom the bell tolls.
(microwave pinger goes off. Everyone looks around nervously)
Martin: Everyone heard that, right?

413: Four for the Seesaw

Frasier and Niles have asked two women they've just met to come away for the weekend, but they're not sure if the women think everything's purely platonic:
Niles: These women are inscrutable as sphinxes!
Frasier: Yes, they've got us into some most veiled, cloaked, cryptic messages. Can't they just give us one clear signal?!
Beth: Well, I'm going to bed. Niles, are you coming? [Beat]
Niles: Curse these infernal riddles!

414: To Kill a Talking Bird

The episode begins with Martin repairing his chair with his repair kit - duct tape. Frasier walks in and snarks at him.
Frasier: Dad, when are you going to stop blighting the environment with this atrocity? My God, can't you see that it wants to die? Let it go.
Martin: Y'know, I keep having this dream where you say the same words, only I'm in the hospital and you're slipping the nurse a twenty.
Frasier: (affectionately) Dad, that will never happen.
Martin: Thank you.
Frasier: I have medical power of attorney, it wouldn't cost me a thing!
Niles visits with Girl, apparently having been in the neighborhood getting a seaweed rap and a pedicure.
Niles: Of course, the pedicure was for -
Martin: Stop right there! There's no way to finish that sentence that'll make me proud.
Niles reveals part of his purpose for visiting, he's gotten a new place at the most exclusive apartment complex in Seattle - the Montana.
Frasier: Niles, why would you even want to live in such a stodgy building? Y'know, when I applied there they treated me like I was riff-raff.
Niles: Well, if you're gonna ask and answer your own questions, what do you need me for?
Daphne reveals she too has heard of the Montana, having applied for a job there.
Niles: I can't imagine anyone turning down the chance to hire you.
Daphne: Well, I hope you're right, I haven't heard yet. Well, g'night.
(Martin looks concerned)
Martin: Hey, Frasier, you don't think she-?
Frasier: Just relax, dad, it's just her way of angling for more vacation time.
Martin: Well, what if she isn't?
Frasier: Well, they'd still have to call me for a reference. Either way, she's not going anywhere.
The other reason for Niles's visit with Girl soon becomes clear: The Montana doesn't take pets (well, at least not cats or dogs - though Martin isn't convinced Girl is a dog), and he is reluctant to give her away because he believes she, in spite of all evidence to the contrary, worships him. Frasier finally tells Niles that his dog is a substitute for Maris.
Frasier: You must realize this dog has no affection for you. You only pretend that she does because she's a canine substitute for Maris.
(Niles just stands there blinking dumbly for seconds)
Niles: That is the most absurd psychobabble I have ever heard.
Frasier: She is high-strung, cold to the touch and ignores you! My God, stand her upright, take ten pounds off her and put her in a Chanel suit, whaddya got?^note
Niles: I'm sorry, that's ridiculous!
Frasier: Is it really? All right, here. (grabs a small bowl from Martin's table) Here. Do you remember that little pillbox hat that Maris wore to the Duchamps' wedding?
Niles: Yes, well, I-
(Frasier puts the bowl on the dog's head. Niles faints from the realization)
The second act begins with Frasier coming in from a disastrous date with someone Roz set him up with. Apparently she had to duck out early, but Frasier suspects ulterior motive of wanting to GTFO.
Roz: Well, lots of people have meetings.
Frasier: When the waiter said the souffle would take an extra thirty minutes, she said "Dear God, no!"
One of Niles' most magnificent brotherly putdowns, as he brags about the new apartment complex he's living in:
Frasier: Y'know, Niles, this precious little building of yours isn't as exclusive as you think. Your doorman waved me right through.
Niles: Well, that's because he knows you.
Frasier: (preening) Oh! A fan of my show?
Niles: No. He lives in your building.
Martin squaring off against Niles' pet parrot when it imitates him, right down to mimic its expressions.
The episode's main plot is Niles trying to throw a party for his new co-tenants, only for a mixture of a nervous parrot and his doorbell results in the bird getting stuck to his head, and having to keep it a secret from his guests so as not to lose face, while Frasier is trying to get with one of the guests.
Frasier's final put-down at the end of the episode, when he and Niles finally go to the vet to get Baby off Niles.
Niles: I don't think my reputation can suffer any more than it already has.
Frasier: Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that. Wearing a white bird after Labor Day!

417: Roz's Turn

Frasier's pirate accent.
Frasier: (salty pirate voice) When my shipmates and I pull into port after several weeks at sea, the first thing we do is...
Niles: (into mic, imitating Frasier's accent) ...head for the antique sale, arrr!
As part of her demo tape, Roz asks Daphne to pretend to be married to Niles, and having difficulty with their marriage. Daphne starts describing various saucy tricks she's tried to get her "husband" interested to no avail... while Niles is... elsewhere.
Bebe sinks to truly astounding lows when trying to keep Frasier from quitting, including popping pills, faking a phone call claiming her sister has died in a sudden car crash, and then having her secretary pretend to be her niece.
Frasier: Not one more crooked word! Your tongue could open a wine bottle!
A classic zinger from Frasier as a nod to Bebe's Sitcom Arch-Nemesis role:
Roz: It's not like she worships the devil!
Frasier: Well, she doesn't have to; he worships HER!
Bebe still pours on the temptation though, and Frasier rallies:
Frasier: Remember what this woman did to you this afternoon! She has no scruples, no ethics, and no reflection!

418: Ham Radio

In the opening scene, Frasier meets Niles and Martin at Café Nervosa to reveal that he has been asked to re-create the first ever mystery drama aired by KACL, "Nightmare Inn", in honour of the station's 50th anniversary. Niles foreshadows the project's downfall by expressing scepticism over the choice of director:
Martin: [taking the script from Frasier] Oh, don't tell me, I know! Bunch of people get caught in a storm, and everybody's wondering who's gonna be the first one murdered.
Frasier: Exactly! And I'm going to direct!
Niles: Oh! So we can stop wondering. [sips his coffee as Frasier looks unamused]
Martin: What, you don't think your brother knows how to direct?
Niles: No, the trouble is he doesn't know how to stop directing. During our prep school production of Richard III he drove the entire cast crazy with his constant critiquing. I seem to recall a delay on opening night while our Richard chased Frasier round the dressing room, beating him with his hump.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, it was just a little backstage horseplay to relieve tension! [the barista brings him his coffee to go] Oh, thank you.
Niles: Mmm. You have an Orson Welles complex. By the end of this week, you'll not only be directing, you'll have re-written the script and be playing the lead.
Frasier: I have no intention of performing in it myself. The only re-writing I've done is simply cutting, to get it down to thirty minutes.
Martin: [reading the front page as Frasier takes the script back] "Frasier Crane's Nightmare Inn"??
Frasier: [awkwardly] It's just a working title!
As Niles predicts, Frasier ends up casting himself as the lead (immediately before fellow KACL employee Ian - who looks and sounds exactly like a stereotypical Scotland Yard inspector - runs into Frasier outside his booth and asks if there's still time to read for the role; Frasier says the part has already been cast), with the cast rounded out by Roz, Gil, Bulldog, Bulldog's exotic dancer girlfriend Maxine (who cannot attend rehearsal due to contracting food poisoning; Bulldog suspects the Jell-O in which she was wrestling that day had gone bad), and professional actor Mel White.^note Named in a Shout-Out to Mel Blanc. During a rehearsal at Frasier's apartment with Daphne "providing" the sound effects, Bulldog insists they change the name of Mr. Wang to Mr. Wing because it gives him the giggles ("Sound of people changing Wangs to Wings", says Daphne). However, the script is from The '30s, leading to his reading of Wing's lines:
Bulldog: [heavy Yellow Peril accent] Oh, me no looky, me go very by chop-chop.
Roz: [aghast] Stop! Chinese embassy on line one!
Frasier's overdirection (as foreseen by Niles) leads Mel, who is playing six roles with six different accents, to Rage Quit. Cue a classic example of Who Would Be Stupid Enough?:
Bulldog: So whadda we do now, boss?
Frasier: Not to worry! I have a plan! [picks up the phone and dials]
Roz: Oh, yeah, right. We're supposed to do this thing tomorrow night! Where are you going to find an idiot willing to take six dialect parts unrehearsed?
Frasier: [into phone] Niles!
Daphne: [as she clears the dining table] Sound of ominous organ music indicating trouble ahead.
Not for nothing is the actual broadcast of "Nightmare Inn" one of the series' most fondly remembered scenes.
- Noel Shempsky has been recruited to provide the sound effects for the broadcast, and he provides a demonstration to Frasier and Niles:
  Frasier: Whaddaya got, Noel?
  Noel: Okay! This is my door sound. [opens and closes a prop door about three feet long and one foot wide] My thunder screen. [shakes a thin sheet of metal to make a thunder-like sound] Balloons for gunshots. [pops one, then picks up a cassette] And this plays various kinds of organ music. [puts it into a deck and presses a button, producing an organ music snippet] I've also got a gravel box, [steps into and out of it to illustrate] bells, [rings one], a rain stick, [shakes it] and a coffee thermos! [picks it up and sets it down again]
  Niles: What does that do?
  Noel: Keeps my coffee warm.
- At Frasier's apartment, Daphne is waiting to listen to the Whodunnit with Martin.
  Daphne: I already know the plot but I'll try not to blurt out the name of the murderer.
  Martin: Great, as a cop I hated it when people did that.
- Roz's character is a woman with a sexy, exotic accent. However, she arrives from a two-hour emergency dentist appointment with a jaw still chock full of Novocaine, so numb she keeps biting the inside of her lip. Everything comes out in a very slurred, muddled, Elmer Fudd-like mess, and it only gets worse when she has to attempt the phrase, "Multiple murderer."
  Frasier: [narrating] The door was answered by Miss Carlotta Thorndyke. [cues Noel to close the sound effect door] Her face was unfamiliar, and when she opened her lips... I caught a hint of some exotic accent.
  Roz: Inthpect- ow!... [winces and holds her jaw] Thah Goh you cuh.^note
  Frasier: [as the inspector] This is a grisly business, Miss Thorndyke.
  Roz: I cah bewieve ehh o' my guehh cuh be a... [shoulders sagging in defeat] muhpehpuhl muhbuhber.
  Frasier: That's easy for you to say!
- Frasier improvises around Roz' indisposition by claiming to know her guests by reputation instead of asking her to introduce them. But when he cues Bulldog to read his first line, he freezes with stage fright, so Frasier improvises that Mr. Wing is now a mute who wears a bell on his head to communicate.
- Niles, seeing the script for the first time as the broadcast begins, is not happy to discover that he is playing six characters with six different accents, including several female characters. When he is cued to speak Pépo the dwarf's line, he is mystified as to how to get into character, and tries crouching behind the microphone before acknowledging that this won't work on radio. Finally, Frasier hands him a helium balloon, which he inhales to deliver his line.
- Immediately after Frasier delivers a line about the phone lines being cut, the phone in the studio rings; Noel does not help by answering it with "Studio 5." Frasier shoots him a Death Glare before pulling out the cord connecting the receiver to the base.
  Martin: [muting the radio with a remote control] I don't remember the plots of these things being so goofy!
  Daphne: Mr. Wing wasn't mute last night.
- During the break between acts, the seeds of the play's final destruction are sown when Frasier tells Niles his performance as Hans the German butler could be a bit more gruff, and a seething Niles snaps, "Don't... direct me!" In the second act, Noel founders a bit with the music cues:
  Frasier: Why, yes, Miss Thorndyke, it appears to be... [cues organ music, but a music box-like tune comes out instead] ...the ice cream truck! [Noel finally pulls out the offending tape] But never mind... that... [everybody starts dumping papers from the script]
- Bulldog's girlfriend Maxine has one line to deliver. However, she has no acting experience, so her delivery is very awkward and wooden. More problematic, though, is her severe dyslexia...
  Maxine: [unconvincing fake scream; overpronouncing each word] Look out! He's got a nug!
- Frasier cuts Nigel Fairservice's dying speech in the interest of time; unfortunately, Gil, who is playing Nigel, is so enamored of the line that he refuses to "die" without finishing the speech. When Frasier finally outdoes him in narrative (by claiming that the last bullet blew his head clean off his shoulders), he gives Frasier a smug look while knocking on and opening the prop door to complete it as Nigel's long lost brother Cedric (Frasier pops another balloon and claims that this extinguishes the Fairservice family entirely), and then the ice cream man from earlier (Frasier pops yet another balloon).
  Daphne: This is turning into a bloodbath!
  Martin: See, that's why I prefer TV, you wanna be able to see that stuff!
- Finally, Niles loses patience with Frasier's overdirection during his confession speech, and improvises a new ending.
  Frasier: [narrating] By this time... I was more baffled than ever. So I played a hunch! [as inspector] Hans! May I see your fingernails?
  Niles: [German accent] Vhy?
  Frasier: They seem a bit ragged... for a butler.
  Niles: [German accent] All right, all right! I'm not vhat I appear! None of us is! I'm not a butler! I'm not even [moves to next page in script, furrows brow, and drops accent] German. [shrugs; dramatic organ sting] Sit down, Inspector, you're about to hear a fascinating tale. Each of us holds a piece of the puzzle... [gets distracted by Frasier pointing toward himself] to relate to you. When we've finished, you'll know the full... [Frasier brings his arms up in a "more" gesture] dark secret of Nightmare Inn.
  Roz: Awe you thure we thould, Hanth?
  Niles: [grimaces at the script] Be quiet, Mother. [Frasier points dramatically; organ sting plays] Mother and I moved here when I was a small boy, after the... [Frasier clenches his fist slowly and looks emotionally overwrought, indicating Niles should act likewise; Niles is too distracted by the gestures to process them] tragic death of my father. I kept the pain of that loss buried... [Frasier makes an anguished face and pounds his chest with his fist] deep within me, like a serpent... [getting more and more confused and angry at Frasier's gestures] coiled within a damp... cave- okay, that's it. [throws the script to the floor and grabs the balloons from the sound effect table] Never mind all that. I'm just going to take this gun off the table. [pops a balloon] Sorry about that O'Toole, I guess we'll never hear your fascinating piece of the puzzle. [pops two more balloons] Or yours, Kragen and Pépo! [mentally counts the remaining balloons as Frasier starts discarding pages of his script] Will the McAllister sisters stand back to back? I'm short on bullets. [pops another balloon] Thank you! [to Roz] What was your name again, dear?
  Roz: Mith Thowndyke.
  Niles: Thank you! [pops another balloon as Frasier drops more and more pages of his script] Ah, and also Mr. Wing. [pops another balloon; Noel rings the bell, then silences it as Niles points to him in gratitude; Frasier is now giving him a Death Glare, which he returns over his final line] And of course, one final bullet for myself, so the mystery will die with me! [pops the last balloon] HA! [defiantly hurls the popped balloons aside and joins Roz and Gil at the refreshment table]
- All of this chaos means the play ends up running way too short. When Frasier finishes the closing narration the producer starts frantically gesturing at him that he needs to fill out the timeslot.
  Frasier: Well, we still have (checks watch) nine minutes remaining. Perhaps we could have a little post-play discussion?
  The entire cast glare and turn their backs on him.

419: Three Dates and a Break-Up, Part 1

Daphne's attempted American accent returns. She's progressed from being able to say "sure", but only in a very throaty voice that makes her sound like a chain smoker.
Daphne: I'm trying my American.
Frasier: Well, you're certainly trying this American.
Witnessing Marty and Sherry's fight, Frasier gets hopeful, but Daphne figures since it's moved into the bedroom, Sherry will win out.
Frasier: I wouldn't be so sure about that.
Daphne: Oh, come on, men and women have been having this argument for centuries. The woman always says "oh, do we really have to fight?"
Frasier: Well, then the man would say, "well, it's your own fault. You started it."
Daphne: Well, can't we at least talk this out? Come on, sit with me on the bed.
Frasier: I don't feel like sittin'.
Daphne: Do you have to be so cold?
Frasier: Well, you made me angry!
Daphne: (tearing up) You could at least put your arms around me.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, I'm sorry... (starts going to hug her, only to stop and realize what he's doing, and Daphne stops crying)
Daphne figures by this point they've already made up, and are going to move on to make-up sex, much to Frasier's distress.
Frasier: Daphne, please. Sherry and my dad do not have sex!
Daphne: Well, of course they do, they probably-
Frasier: Daphne! I have to sleep at night! My dad and Sherry do not have sex!
Once Sherry leaves, having failed to make it up with Martin, who insists everything is fine, Frasier gets a call.
Frasier: Oh, yes, hi Niles. Well, actually, it's not a very good time right now. Well, dad and Sherry just broke up. He seems to be taking it okay, I guess, but - Well, no, I don't think that's appropriate. Well, no, it's just too soon for us to be celebrating right now. Yes. (puts the phone down and starts walking away. He's barely three steps before the phone rings again, and he picks it up) It's still too soon, Niles!
When Niles does come around, the two jubilantly celebrate by chest-bumping, which naturally hurts Niles. Then he suggests a high-five. Frasier suggests not, after what happened last time - Niles' watch managed to get caught in Frasier's hair.

420: Three Dates and a Break-Up, Part 2

As the second half of the double episode opens, Daphne tries out her American accent in front of Niles - or, rather, behind Niles, causing him to yelp in shock.
Roz, having previously embarrassed herself in front of an old acquaintance from home, shows up at Café Nervosa all dolled up, which Niles can't resist commenting on.
Niles: You look like an almost presentable version of someone who works with my brother.
Roz: Bite me!
Niles: Oh, it is you!
After Frasier's second date goes belly up, Eddie hurries into the room and stares hungrily at the meal Frasier had made. In resignation, Frasier lets him have at it.
Frasier, having heard from Daphne about the elevator's security camera catching everything, tries to adjust his pants one-handed while using the other hand to hold an open umbrella in front of the camera. Emphasis on "tries". By the time Daphne gets on, Frasier's pants are halfway down his legs.
Daphne: [to security camera] He's been under a lot of stress lately.
Niles, not wanting to get involved in Sherry and Martin's break-up, compares it to a nature documentary.
Niles: It's like one of those wildlife films where the lion is chasing down the antelope. You don't ask why the photographer doesn't interfere, you just accept it!
Frasier: As a general rule, Niles, the photographer is not related to the antelope!

421: Daphne Hates Sherry

As the episode begins, Frasier's suffering from a fever, when Sherry is around, and Martin's trying to talk about the weather. Frasier insists everyone shut up and leave him alone... so they have breakfast around him, silently, until Frasier snaps at them.
Roz and Bulldog are fighting in the studio until Frasier stops them.
Frasier: Bup! I don't care who did what to whom or in what disgusting manner. As we speak, hordes of viral Visigoths are hurling themselves over the battlements of my immune system, laying waste to my... Oh, dear God, you see how weak I am? I can't even finish a simple Visigoth metaphor.
Frasier still refuses to hear why Roz is so angry, but his choice of words isn't great.
Frasier: I simply cannot deal with other people's problems today.
Roz: Well, good news for Mark on line 3, whose wife is keeping a pumpkin in a bassinet(!)
Daphne ranting to Niles about Sherry's habit of giving her number to "strange men" without her permission:
Daphne: [Sherry] says I'm too rigid.
Niles: Nonsense!
Daphne: And that I'm too picky!
Niles: Poppycock!
Daphne: And that I'd be much happier if I just went out and had sex with someone!
(Niles slowly sits down next to her)
Niles: ... just to play Devil's Advocate here...
The entire second act, with Daphne staying over at Niles's flat during a heatwave, not so much brimming with sexual tension as overflowing.
At the end of everything, Daphne returns to Frasier's apartment to get her pills, patching things up with Sherry, with some very reluctant assistance from a bath-ridden Frasier... and then Frasier points out to a massively sexually frustrated Niles one little thing:
Niles: Well, thank you very much!
Frasier: Oh please, Niles. Unconsciously you knew it wasn't right [to seduce her under the circumstances]; that's why you brought her back here.
Niles: No, we just came to fetch her damn thyroid pills.
Frasier: You're a doctor, why didn't you just use your prescription pad?
(Thousand-Yard Stare from Niles)
Niles: Oh, my God!
Frasier: Isn't there an all-night pharmacy across the street from your building?
Niles: Oh, my God! (flees the room, near tears)

422: Are You Being Served?

The episode starts off with Frasier ranting about "how did we become a nation of huggers", leading to a classic Frasier-Roz snark.
Roz: Well, I think hugging is very healthy. I read somewhere that if you have physical contact on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life.
Frasier: Well, in that case you should outlive Styrofoam.
Frasier and Niles find their mother's notes in storage. On Rewatch Bonus, it's hilarious that she was talking about her lab rats, but the brothers thinking it's about them as children is still hilarious, and it turns into a series of Take Thats.
Frasier: (reading) "It's hard to imagine two male siblings who could be more different than Frasier and Niles."
Niles: Good heavens. It's about us.
Frasier: "Though both are highly intelligent, Frasier is clearly the more dominant of the two while Niles remains extremely passive." (to Niles, mildly smug) Fascinating!
Niles: (reading) "Frasier never seems to get enough at mealtime. He's nearly twice the size of Niles and often, when he thinks I'm not looking, steals his brother's food."
Frasier: (reading) "What Niles lacks in assertiveness he makes up for in an abnormally fussy grooming regimen."
Niles: "Frasier is exhibiting clearly anti-social tendencies. In fact, he is extremely uncomfortable with touch, seeming to recoil from all human contact."
Frasier: Where does it say that?
Niles:' All right, I added "extremely," but it's right there.
Frasier becomes disturbed that his unwillingness to hug might be abnormal and anti-social. He begins overcompensating.
Niles: This may be my last chance to prove once and for all that I'm not the sort of man who... who... whatever mother said.
Frasier: "Constantly allows himself to be cowed and dominated, especially by females."
Niles: I might have known you'd memorize it.
Frasier: You're right. That was harsh. Come here. (offers to hug Niles)
Niles: (rolling eyes) Oh, get away from me.
After Niles sneaks into Maris's mansion, he mentions that as a child he'd always fancy being a cat burglar and is starting to think he could do it.
Frasier: Yes, all it requires is stealth, cunning, and the key to the door.
In order to get out of Maris's mansion, the brothers drug her guard dogs, but on leaving Frasier wonders if they might be playing possum.
Niles: This is the last time I leave this house, I'm going to do so with my head held high.
Frasier: Good for you. I'm going to run like hell out the front door. (bolts)
Niles: Wait up!
And then, after Niles signs the divorce papers, he and Frasier are discussing the situation, leading to Niles insulting Maris for the first time on-screen.
Frasier: You know, Niles, you never have to see Maris again.
Niles: Oh please, half the time I couldn't even see her when (starts cracking up) she was standing right in front of me!
(Frasier and Niles both start laughing)
Five words: the "hot and foamy" scene.
- The build-up is comedy gold, as Frasier and Niles gradually discover exactly WHAT their mother was writing about in her journal when she described Niles as passive, submissive, and easily cowed by females (thus prompting him to sign the divorce papers Maris has sent him): Reading on further, Frasier is baffled when he finds mention of Niles licking himself, then Frasier ("... I have no memory of that.") and even more so when the diary mentions Frasier dying. Turns out Frasier and Niles refers not to her sons Frasier and Niles, but her lab rats Frasier and Niles.
  Niles: [reading the journal] Do you know what this means?
  Frasier: [disgusted] Our mother named us after rodents.
  Niles: No, it means I have ended my marriage to the woman I love based on the case history of a spineless rat! Oh my God...
  Frasier: [overlapping] Niles... Niles...
  Niles: [starting to panic] Oh my God, Maris has seen the papers, it's too late to take it back!
  Frasier: Niles, your reasoning was still sound!
  Niles: [panicking more and more] My reasoning!? My reasoning was based on my mother's obsession WITH VERMIN! [hurls down the journal]
- Niles' panic attack attracts the attention of first Martin, then Daphne, as Frasier ushers his brother into the powder room to splash some cold water on his face; as he tries to offer words of encouragement through the door, we hear what sounds like a gunshot, horrifying Frasier, Martin, and Daphne... until the door opens to reveal the payoff of Martin stopping Daphne from throwing out his old gadgets, including a Hot 'N Foamy shaving foam machine which he plugged into the outlet in the powder room moments earlier:
  Daphne: Dr. Crane, are you all right?
  Niles: [covered in foam; his tone is weirdly calm] I'm fine. [Beat] I'm just a little hot. And foamy.
  Martin: You know what must've happened? My Hot 'N Foamy must have exploded!
  Daphne: [looks at Martin in utter disbelief, then back at Niles] He was a detective, you know.
  Martin: [nods]
- And finally, Niles gets a call from Maris, who was just bluffing with the divorce papers; she is so shocked by his decision to sign them that she agrees to withdraw them and go into couples therapy with him. And so the episode's main plot ends by colliding with the subplot about Frasier's aversion to hugging others as Niles throws his arms around Frasier... while still covered in shaving foam. Frasier's revolted look is priceless.

423: Ask Me No Questions

Near the beginning of the episode, Niles arrives at Frasier's apartment, unconcerned with Frasier's anger at his lateness for their squash game, as he is too busy having an affectionate phone conversation with Maris. Sickened by the display, Frasier dials Niles' mobile phone from his own landline...
Niles: Oh, no, I would love to meet you for lunch, but you know what Dr. Deutsch said, no meetings outside our therapy sessions. Oh, now, Maris... oh, wait, hold on a second, it's my other line. [presses button] Hello?
Frasier: GET THE HELL OFF THE PHONE!
Niles: [glares at Frasier... and proceeds to speak to him through the phone] How rude!
Frasier: Please! Don't you realise it's also rude to be late for an appointment!?
Niles: Oh, you are telling me about being late for an appointment!?...
[the Crane brothers begin talking over each other, steadily getting faster and louder, until finally an irate Frasier slams his phone down]
Niles: [whirls round to face Frasier in outrage] How DARE you hang up on me!
The scene ends as it began when Niles gets another call from Maris:
Niles: [answering his phone] Hello?... What is it, pumpkin?... Oh, now- now- dear, calm down. I- I'm sure the banging you hear is just the pipes. If one of the servants had actually been walled in during the re-modelling he'd have died weeks ago! [Frasier picks up his phone and dials] If it- if it will ease your mind at all, why don't you have Marta take roll call? Oh, hold on a second. [presses button] Hello?
Frasier: [through the phone] Get out.

424: Odd Man Out

Niles, trying to help Daphne zip up her dress, manages to get his tie caught. Frasier comes in as Daphne is trying to get to the bathroom with Niles trailing after her.
Frasier: Niles... there's something on your tie.
Daphne mentions she's seeing a guy called Greg, getting a surprising remark from Martin.
Frasier: I haven't met Greg.
Martin: I have. He's gorgeous.
(everyone stares at him)
Martin: What? He is.
Discussing the spontaneity of romance, Martin mentions he and Hester met at a crime scene.
Niles: You met mother over the outline of a murder victim.
Martin: So? It was romantic to us. Ever wonder why on our anniversary, she'd make those gingerbread cookie with the legs kinda bent and the head kinda crooked?
Niles: (aghast) We thought they were dancing!
Niles recounts his own incident when, as a younger man, a woman offered him a chance to get in the Mile High Club, and he, not knowing the meaning, turned her down.
Niles: God, that was twenty years ago... (starts to chortle) No, still can't laugh about it.

Season 5

501: Frasier's Imaginary Friend

Daphne, Martin and Niles not believing Frasier really did find an attractive woman willing to dump an NFL player for him, and spend the entire episode convinced Frasier's made her up, with circumstances meaning they just keep missing her.
Niles: (seeing Frasier sitting alone in a restaurant, cheerfully enjoying a meal for one) Oh, that is so sad.
Daphne: I'll say. Nobody's ever bought me caviar and I'm real.
Martin's faith in Frasier's luck re; romance, after a few days: "Even a fake supermodel would've dumped him by now."
When Frasier first tells everyone who he is dating, the only one to even give him the benefit of the doubt is Daphne. That is, until he shows off a picture of her that he cut out from a magazine. Once he leaves the room:
Daphne: He's snapped like a twig, hasn't he?
Frasier's climactic rant of "I AM NOT CRAZY! I am dating a supermodel zoologist, whom I stole away from a professional football player, and she is off to the Galapagos Islands to artificially inseminate iguanas! Now is that so hard to believe?!" And when said supermodel-zoologist storms away in disgust at his efforts to prove such...Frasier takes the "glass half-full" view, as he swaggers past the gang, turns to them, and smirks, "Well...! Whadaya think o' me now...?"

502: The Gift Horse

The episode opens at Café Nervosa as Roz gives both Crane brothers a Big Damn Kiss, for different reasons:
Frasier: [standing at the counter as Roz enters behind him] Oh, good morning, Roz!
Roz: [amorously] Good morning... [stuns Frasier by passionately kissing him on the lips; it is a few seconds before he has the presence of mind to push her off]
Frasier: What the hell was that!?
Roz: [looks toward the door] Oh, shoot, he's not even here!
Frasier: Who?!
Roz: D'you remember that guy who dumped me last month? [Frasier rubs his lips as though pushing them back into place after the kiss] I thought he was right behind me! I just wanted him to see me with another guy so he'd know how completely over him I am.
Frasier: Good idea, Roz. If that doesn't work, why don't we just get married and have some children, that'd really fix his wagon! [picks up his cup of coffee]
Roz: You probably remember him - Stan?
Frasier: [slowly gets a look of disgust] Stan, the... the smug stockbroker who kept calling me "Fraser"?
Roz: [laughs] Oh, yeah. That's him. [Frasier groans; Roz looks to the door again and sighs in disappointment] One minute we're hot and heavy, and then he just stops calling - it's so humiliating when someone treats you like you don't even exist!
Frasier: [proving Roz' point] Well, how can someone not hear the difference between "Frasier" and "Fraser"!?
Roz: [drily] Yeah. That's what bugged me the most, too. [rolls her eyes and goes up to the counter to order]
[...]
Roz: [sees Stan, a tall man in a suit with blond hair and glasses, enter the café] Oh my God, here he is. Please?
Frasier: [resigned] Oh, all right.
[Roz pulls Frasier into some heavy liplock; Stan gets an embarrassed look, turns, and exits... just in time for someone else to enter and take in the sight. Frasier disengages from Roz and turns to see...]
Niles: [utterly deadpan] Hello.
Frasier: Hello Niles. Uh... you know, this isn't what it looks like, [Roz continues to nuzzle and kiss Frasier] you see, her ex-boyfriend- oh, just stop that! [pushes Roz away]
Niles: [holds up his hand] Please, please, no explanation necessary. I assume at the next meeting of Seattle's "Haven't Kissed Roz" club, it will just be me and the archbishop! [chuckles]
Roz: [picking up her coffee and marching toward Niles] I'll save you the club dues.
Niles: What-?
[Roz gives Niles a Big Damn Kiss, then leaves]
Niles: [shocked yet observant] Everyone kisses better than Maris!
Later that day, Frasier is sitting at the dining table, reading the newspaper, and Eddie is staring at him through the glass top. Frasier sneers that Eddie isn't going to distract him this time, and opens the paper so as to completely obscure Eddie from view. Eddie responds by trotting out from under the table and jumping several feet into the air. Repeatedly.
Martin turns 65 in this episode, and Sherry plans his party (while asking Daphne to do most of the actual legwork) with, among other things, pictures of Martin's days with the Seattle PD. Cue I Was Quite a Fashion Victim:
Martin: [looking at photo] Well, we can't use this one of me at the morgue, it's too disturbing!
Niles: [taking photo and looking at it with Frasier] You're right, I totally forgot you even had a perm.
Frasier: Dear lord! [he and Niles exchange grimaces]
The A plot of the episode sees Frasier and Niles trying to one-up each other with birthday presents for Martin. Frasier initially buys him a calfskin wallet and matching key case, while Niles buys him an expensive "beer of the month club" membership from a consortium of local microbreweries. Frasier exchanges the gift for a pair of binoculars without telling Niles, while Niles exchanges his gift for season tickets to the Seattle Seahawks without telling Frasier; in a confrontation at Frasier's apartment, Daphne unwittingly unmasks both brothers' secrets. The scene culminates in a hilarious nod to the brothers' ignorance of all things sport-related:
Frasier: All right, enough is enough. [takes his wallet out of his pocket, removes a piece of paper from it, then throws his wallet on the table] I quit. I'm throwing in the towel.
Niles: Oh, and why should I believe you?!
Frasier: [shows Niles the paper] Because this is a receipt for the binoculars. [begins tearing it to shreds] This should prove to you that I have no intention of returning them in order to get a better gift. [hurls the pieces onto the table] There.
Niles: Well, that's very big of you. [Frasier shrugs; Niles looks at his watch and turns to leave] I'm late for my session. If it's any consolation, I'm not really sure how good those tickets are. I was hoping to get something on the first few yard lines, but I could only get ones way back on the fiftieth.^note [he shrugs and exits the apartment; Frasier gives a shrug of dawning despair, then Facepalms]
Daphne: Well, I'm very proud of you, Dr. Crane, I-
Frasier: [frantically sorting through the shreds of paper] Oh, stop babbling, Daphne, and bring me some tape! [Daphne rolls her eyes]
The gift war escalates, and just when Frasier thinks Martin might offer him an escape route by saying he doesn't want big, expensive presents this year, he says "Go crazy - you only turn 65 once!" Daphne tells him there's only one solution left...
Daphne: [as a despondent Frasier sinks into Martin's chair] You know, Dr. Crane, the last thing I want to do is encourage more competition between you and your brother. [gets up and crosses over to him] But if you really want to make your father happy, maybe the time-
Frasier: [makes warding gestures] Oh, don't even say it!
Daphne: But it's the only thing he's ever asked for!
Frasier: [on the brink of tears] No! God, it'll ruin my apartment, my life! I can't! I won't! I mustn't!
Daphne: [sits on the arm of the chair and puts her arm around Frasier] It's over, Dr. Crane. [Frasier turns toward her and sobs]
[cut to a few days later as the camera pans very slowly up a monolithic object in the middle of the living room floor, finally revealing a thoroughly stunned Frasier and Daphne in the same positions as before]
Daphne: That is one big screen TV. He's going to love it.
Frasier: [in utter despair] I know! [he turns toward her and sobs again; she gives him a comforting pat on the shoulder]
Frasier's deliciously hammy reaction after arriving home after the birthday party to see the big-screen TV and accompanying sound system with gigantic speakers fully set up for the first time.
Frasier: Oh, dear God ... it's Stonehenge.

503: Halloween

Frasier and Daphne are looking at photos of a trip they went on to a microbrewery alone (Martin having had to bow out after Eddie got into some poison oak), which stirs Niles up quite a bit:
Niles: So it was just you and Frasier?
Daphne: Yes. (chuckles) Your brother and I got pretty silly after tasting all that beer.
Frasier: Now, now, Daphne there's no need to tell Niles everything we did that night.
Daphne: Yes, we got a bit naughty!
Niles: Well, not too naughty, I hope.
Daphne: Oh, now, now, Dr. Crane, I know what you're thinking. But not to worry. After all that drinking, we didn't drive home. We spent the night in a motel.
Niles: Well, that takes a load off my mind.
Niles is on the phone with Maris as Frasier and Daphne pretend to be Merry Olde English lovers (since they are attending Niles' party as Geoffrey Chaucer and the Wife of Bath; Martin drily describes their getting into character as "Ye Olde Laugh Riot"), to Niles' consternation.
Daphne: Join me in my bedchamber, my lord?
Frasier: After you, my juicy wench!
Niles: "My juicy wench"?! (into phone) No, no, not you, Maris! Wait, wait! (to Frasier) I hope you're happy, she's run for her water pills!
Roz is horribly out of sorts during Frasier's Halloween broadcast:
Roz: On Line 3, we have, uh, Ted, who is feeling a little disconnected.
Frasier: Go ahead, Ted. [Roz pushes a button and we hear... a dial tone; Roz covers her mouth in mortified embarrassment, while Frasier looks put upon] Well, I hope Ted appreciates irony.
Roz: [trying to recover] On Line 2, we have Bill, he's going through a very difficult transition.
Frasier: [pushes the button himself this time] Hello, Bill.
Female voice: Hello? Is someone there?
Frasier: [surprised and puzzled] Well, I see we're pretty much through our transition, aren't we, Bill?
Frasier confronts Roz, who has a shocking confession to make:
Roz: I think I'm pregnant.
Frasier: [stunned; follows Roz into her booth] Pregnant?
Roz: Well, I don't know for sure. I took one of those home tests, and it was kind of iffy, so I went to see my doctor, and he's gonna call me with the results.
Frasier: But Roz, how-
Roz: I don't know how! No-one is more careful than I am when it comes to birth control. But then again, even the best protection is only effective 99 out of 100 times. I can't beat those odds.
Frasier: Yes, I suppose you've been dodging that bullet for a long time now.^note
At Niles' Halloween party, which is literature-themed, Roz shows up wearing a tight S&M outfit:
Guest dressed as Eve: What an interesting costume! Who are you?
Roz: I'm 'O'. From The Story of O.
Guests: Ohhh.
Roz: It's gonna be a long night...
Maris is absent, of course, but in this case, it's due to an accident at the hair salon.
Niles: (talking into his cell phone) Calm down, calm down. Stop crying, it can't be as all bad as that. Exactly how much hair do you have left? ...Oh. (heads into the kitchen) Well, don't panic, we'll just have to find another character for you to be tonight. Uh, there's an Enescu play called "The Bald Soprano". (chuckles weakly) No, I'm joking, Maris.
- He then points out Maris could wear a wig seeing as she has a wig vault containing thirty-seven wigs.
Later, Roz, who swore Frasier to secrecy about her pregnancy scare, pulls Daphne aside and tells her that she has to keep checking her machine since she had an "accident" and has to find out about the damage. Daphne assumes the "accident" is a car crash, and she and Frasier have an interesting conversation about it:
Daphne: Roz told me all about it. It's no big deal. Accidents happen even when you're being careful. I had one myself a few years back.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, really?
Daphne: Yeah. It was one of those real wham-bam numbers. He was drunk and I wasn't paying attention...
Frasier: Oh...
Daphne: I called and called, but never got a penny out of him.
Frasier: I had no idea.
Daphne: Oh, it's not that bad. For goodness' sake, back in Manchester, what with all those drunken louts out and about, it must have happened to me at least a dozen times.
Then when Frasier accidentally blurts out the truth, he takes Daphne into the kitchen, where they are overheard by a drunken Niles, who thinks Daphne is pregnant with Frasier's child. Doesn't help that Daphne's eyes are watering because she's allergic to the adhesive on her fake eyelashes and that she earlier stated that she must have put on a pound or two because her dress feels tight:
Frasier: Just promise me you won't tell a soul. We've got to keep this secret.
Daphne: Oh, right! But we can't keep it a secret forever. My God, we are talking about a baby.
[Niles's eyes bug out.]
Frasier: Oh, how could I have been so careless?
Daphne: These things happen, it's not your fault.
Frasier: Yes, well, you know who'll get the blame if this ever gets out!
Daphne: Don't worry, I'll protect your reputation. I'll tell everyone I forced you to it.
Frasier: All right. We'd better get back to the party before people start wondering about us.
[Then as Frasier exits the room, he hits Niles' prosthetic nose^notehe's dressed as Cyrano de Bergerac, leaving it sticking up at a crazy angle.]
Frasier: Oh, hello, Niles. What's your nose all bent out of shape about?
Niles runs into Frasier while the latter is flirting with a cute blond dressed as Eve^noteplayed by Kelsey Grammer's then wife Camille Donatacci:
Niles: What are you doing? Are you just going to abandon Daphne?
Frasier: Niles, just because I gave her a ride doesn't mean I have to spend the whole evening with her!
- In a Brick Joke, at the end of the party, she's leaving with someone dressed as Satan.
Finally, after Frasier has been interrupted one time too many:
Frasier: Oh well, I am dreadfully sorry for your condition, Daphne, but it's your own fault! You should have read the directions on the package before you used it!
Daphne: I don't know why you're blaming this whole mess on me! I just know I need a lift home right now!
Frasier: Oh, all right! But I am not leaving here until I get Eve's phone number. So you can just sit down, have a drink, smoke a cigarette if you like! I'm sorry, I am very attracted to this young woman, and I am not going to let you and your little problem stand in my way!
Niles: THAT'S ENOUGH!
[Everyone in the room falls silent and looks at Niles.]
Frasier: Niles, get your big nose out of this! And lower your voice, you're embarrassing yourself!
Niles: The only thing I'm embarrassed about is that you're my brother! You cad, you bounder, you rrrrrrroué!
Frasier: What is so wrong about trying to get a woman's phone number?
Niles: We're not interested in your next conquest, we're talking about your last one! And before you deny it, I have plenty of proof!
Frasier: From here, it smells like eighty proof!
Niles: A woman stands here before you in dire need...
Daphne: It's really not that bad. I can find someone else who'll take me.
Niles: Indeed you can.
Martin: [realizing what he thinks] Niles—
Niles: I told you, don't try to stop me! [to Frasier] You have the audacity to seduce this poor woman, and then you aren't man enough to stand by her?!
Frasier: Niles, before you make a complete ass of yourself—
Niles: Stop, or I'll teach you a long overdue lesson in chivalry!
[He draws his sword. Unfortunately, the blade breaks off and he is left with just an empty handle.]
Daphne: But, Dr. Crane—
Niles: No, no! No, don't defend him! There may be one bastard in this family, but as long as I have anything to say about it, your baby won't be another. [takes off his hat and kneels in front of Daphne, taking her hand] Daphne, will you marry me?
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, you drunken imbecile! Daphne's not the one that's pregnant, Roz is!
[The guests react.]
Niles: [slurring] Roz is?

506: Voyage of the Damned

Frasier discovers that the prestigious "celebrity cruise" Roz convinced him to participate in is actually full of hilariously lame D-listers.
Frasier: You've booked me on a floating Gong Show!
And after Roz and Frasier meet the Barracuda:
Barracuda: I see you are versed in the international language of love.
Frasier: Oh yes Roz, say something amusing in Esperanto!
As he is preparing for his speech, Frasier admits that one of the guests, comedian Giggles O'Shea, is Actually Pretty Funny and incorporates some funny lines Giggles gave him to put into his speech. He's then horrified to learn he's only attracted a few people.
Frasier: Giggles had to add a show!
Frasier, Roz and Martin are trapped hiding in the bathroom of Maris's suite:
Roz: It's ok, I think she's gone....Oh wait! I see her coat on the hat-rack.
Frasier: Look closer, is the hat-rack moving?
Roz: Oh my GOD!!
Frasier and Roz are convinced that the Barracuda will be stopping by Maris' suite for an evening of passion; however, Martin is not up to speed on the latest turn of events:
[Frasier, Roz, and Martin hear the doorbell buzz]
Roz: It's the Barracuda!
Martin: Who's the Barracuda?
Roz: He's a sleazy Latin lounge singer Maris is going to sleep with to get back at Niles for kissing Mimi!
Martin: Who's Mimi?
Frasier: A horny society boozer and the Mrs. O'Leary's cow of our current predicament!
Martin: Who's Mrs. O'Leary?
Frasier: A woman in Chicago who- oh, I don't have the time!
Against all odds, Niles has smoothed things over with Maris, and she has invited him back to her suite for champagne. When Frasier, Roz, and Martin tell him she gargled with mouthwash while they were hiding in her bathroom, he implies that an evening of lovemaking is on the agenda as well. He opens the door to join her, and we get this gem:
Niles: Oh, damn. She started without me.
Frasier, Roz, Martin: [grimacing] Ewww...
Niles: [glares at them] Drinking the champagne.
Frasier, Roz, Martin: [relieved] Ohh.

509: Perspectives on Christmas

Due to a misunderstanding, Daphne becomes convinced Martin is dying. He's not, he's just doing a Christmas performance for a local church and doesn't want her to know. The resulting One Dialogue, Two Conversations doesn't so much Cross the Line as jig back and forth over it (such as Daphne hearing him on the phone saying he's afraid what will happen when he sees Jesus for the first time).
The caper to Daphne's story comes when, having realized what's going on, Daphne gets angry at Martin, and he gets angry back. As the two are arguing, a battered Niles staggers in zombie-style, walks past them and collapses.
[as a bedraggled Niles stumbles out of the elevator in front of Frasier's apartment in front of a couple of Elliott Bay residents]
Woman: Why is that man crawling on the floor?
Man: He's Dr. Crane's brother.
Woman: Ah.
Frasier accidentally lets Roz's mother know Roz is pregnant. That afternoon they have to pretend to be Santa and Mrs. Claus for a grotto... but Roz is pissed at Frasier, and would rather yell at him, leaving Frasier facing a whole crowd of parents and kids who've just seen Mrs. Santa yelling about being pregnant...
Frasier and Niles attempt to help Martin rehearse "O Holy Night" as he's struggling to reach the high note. Frasier suggests a technique he learned in theatre of squatting while singing scales to loosen you up. After watching Frasier and Niles do the exercises Martin declines as he doesn't want to look as stupid as they do.
- Martin's attempts to hit the high note are so bad the upstairs neighbor starts banging on the floor, forcing the Crane men to yell back at them to shut up.

510: Where Every Bloke Knows Your Name

Roz joins in Martin's poker night. While Martin heads off to the fridge to get beer, his buddies learn Roz is pregnant (because Martin asks her if she wants a beer), and start talking about the joys of children... and the melancholy as they grow up. Martin, who thought they were hearing a story involving a stripper, returns to an entire table of glum retirees.
Martin: Jeez, I don't think you're telling the story right.
At the beginning of the episode, Niles mentions he's bought an expensive saddle for Maris as a reconciliation gift. Halfway through the episode, he mentions that the oils of the saddle reacted poorly to her cellulite cream and created a "powerful epoxy" that stuck her thighs to the saddle. She spends the next day with a frozen turkey between her legs to cool down. Later on, as Martin is preparing for Sherry to come over, he hears the phone ringing.
Martin: Maris, is that you? ... why are your teeth chattering? (he hears Maris explaining what's happened, but not knowing the context...) Well, why don't you just use a defroster?

511: Ain't Nobody's Business if 'I Do'

Frasier and Niles's increasing despair about the prospect of Martin marrying Sherry.
Niles: Do you know what that means?
Frasier: Yes. We're going to hear what Mendelssohn's "Wedding March" sounds like on the banjo!
Niles's particular bugbear is the prospect of what they'd call Sherry, which he thinks would be "maw".
Daphne is worried about the future of her job if Martin marries Sherry, to which Niles tries to console her:
Niles: I could always use you... I mean that I- I would know of a position you could take... Services that you could perform... I would know of an opening...
(Niles grabs the cheque)
Niles: This is on me.
Hearing about a strange man asking questions about Sherry, Martin immediately turns on Frasier and Niles, who swear (unconvincingly in Niles' case) that they're innocent. The minute he's satisfied and leaves, Frasier then turns on Niles.
Roz uses her pregnancy to try to get out of a jaywalking ticket. She screws it up hilariously.
Policewoman: You're pregnant? Well, I know a little bit about that myself.
Roz: Then you know exactly what I'm talking about. Society doesn't go easy on pregnant ladies, does it? (pats officer's very large belly) So, when are you due?
Policewoman: I'm. Not. Pregnant.
Roz: (sighing) That's Roz Doyle.
Policewoman: You wanna step over here, please? (gestures to a nearby table)
Roz: R-O-Z...
Frasier and Niles' unconvincing attempts to drop the subject of Sherry's multiple marriages.
Daphne selling out the brothers to Martin, and then Frasier selling out Daphne, like kids telling on their siblings.

512: The Zoo Story

Poor Niles, having been denied sex by Maris, starts to get a little peculiar over the course of the episode.
Niles describes Maris' own lack of sexual drives as making her a "sexual camel".
On the day of the contract negotiations Bebe corners Frasier in Nervosa's men's room and tries to convince him to let her take over so she can salvage his career after a string of PR gaffes. Cue a fine slice of Large Ham as Bebe works her dark magic on him.
Bebe: Frasier, we have to talk.
Frasier: (scandalised) Are you aware you're in the men's room?
Bebe: Oh please, if I paid attention to signs with little pictures I'd never get a parking space. Now, it's time we both dropped the masks. You need me, and I want you back. Just sign this contract and I'll cut you a deal that'll make Roz's look like lunch money.
Frasier: Isn't there a zebra carcass somewhere you should be hovering over?
Bebe: You wanna see a carcass, chum? Look in the mirror. Look what you've let that man do to you. Your face is riddled with bird bites, your name's a punchline, and your career is five minutes from over, and he's only been your agent for three days. Send him in against the Hammer and you'll be doing fog reports from a lighthouse in Puget Sound! Admit it! You're scared!
Frasier: Alright, maybe I am scared! But there is one thing stronger than fear! Faith! Faith that a good man with a good heart can make a good deal! Now get out of my way!
Bebe: No, I won't let you! D'you know what I've been through building your career? I have been to hell and back so often I have frequent flier miles! (grabs the lapels of his jacket) You owe me a second chance!
Frasier: Take your tentacles off me!
(Frasier wrestles out of her grip and heads for the door)
Bebe: Please! I won't be the same Bebe you knew! I'll change! I'll be like Ben...(Beat) only competent!
Bebe quite possibly having murdered a crane with a jawbreaker to get Frasier back on her side.
Frasier: (just about to resign with Bebe) You didn't... murder that bird, by any chance?
Bebe: ... darling, there's always a chance.
Frasier: Good enough for me.
The Tag: Daphne talking to Eddie, who's sitting on a tiny psychiatrist's couch, pretending to be his shrink.

513: The Maris Counselor

Niles, planning to surprise Maris after her six-hour meditation (which, according to Niles, inevitably leaves her "as horny as a stoat"), sneaks into her bedroom, where someone is having a shower. It's actually their marriage counselor, Dr. Schenkman. What follows is an Overly Long Gag as both men go back and forth upping the romantic ambiance, assuming the other is Maris... right up until, with the lights off, they hop into bed.
Later that day, a now understandably devastated Niles goes to work with his couples' therapy, with Frasier helping, until Niles's own anger at Maris makes things difficult. Frasier tries giving Niles advice, but it ends with Niles storming off, determined to try and win Maris back yet again, with Frasier yelling the worst possible thing to say near couples in therapy.
Frasier: Sometimes you just have to accept that a relationship is BAD! Doomed! And no amount of work can save it!
Frasier shooing out Niles' patients after noticing his brother's behaviour:
Frasier: No-one is here to judge anybody. (the second the door closes, to Niles) What the hell are you doing, you lunatic?!
Later on, Niles commenting on his awful luck:
Niles: Fifteen years of marriage with Maris, I end up in bed with her lover.
Martin: Aw, jeez, I didn't need to hear that!
Niles: No, no, it was an accident. It was pitch dark, I thought he was Maris.
Frasier: It's a natural mistake. What tipped you off?
Niles: The heat from her side of the bed!

514: The Ski Lodge

This episode marks the series' most explicit homage to the farces of writers like Georges Feydeau, and the entire second half in particular is an utter triumph for the writers. It all starts when Frasier persuades Roz to give him the ski lodge weekend she has won in a church raffle (partly by pointing out that her pregnancy would limit her options for physical activity and partly by bribing her with a big screen TV). Meanwhile, Martin has a heavy cold that has stopped up his ears, while Niles is in the early stages of negotiating a divorce settlement from Maris. The two subplots collide back at Frasier's apartment:
[Martin is watching a baseball game with the volume turned almost to full; the doorbell rings, and Daphne heads over to answer it while carrying a basket of laundry]
Daphne: What do you need that so loud for!? I swear, you've gone deaf as a post!
Martin: It's just a cold stopping up my ears, I'll be fine.
[Daphne opens the door to reveal Niles on the phone to his lawyer]
Niles: Dear God, man, whose lawyer are you anyway?!... No, I will not calm down! [enters the apartment] They call that a settlement!? You call them and turn it down... [louder] I said turn it down, you ninny!
Martin: [offended] Geez, you could at least ask nicely! [grabs the remote and turns down the volume]
Martin's hearing continues to be a problem when Niles explains that Maris' legal team are using an old valentine in which he wrote "Everything I have is yours" as a pre-nuptial agreement. Martin mishears "old valentine" as "cold Ballantine", and Daphne loses her patience with him...
Daphne: That does it! You're getting a hearing aid, whether you like it or not!
Martin: I don't need a hearing aid! My hearing will be back to normal in no time.
Daphne: You said that two days ago! Soon, you won't be able to hear a word I say.
Martin: [deadpan] Gee, wouldn't that be a tragedy. [Daphne glares at him and stomps off; Martin takes a gamble] I heard that.
Daphne: I didn't say anything!
Martin and Daphne's argument is interrupted when Frasier returns and delivers the good news about the indirect raffle win, but Daphne says she can't go, as she promised her friend Annie that she would spend the weekend with her, as it is her birthday. Niles - more determined than usual for a chance with Daphne now that he and Maris are divorcing - suggests she bring Annie with her, and since Daphne says she's "gung-ho for sports", having been the captain of the girls' rugby team at their school, she thinks it's a brilliant idea. Frasier is not convinced...
Frasier: [clearly thinking of excuses not to invite Annie] Well, I'm not sure how many bedrooms there are...
Niles: Well, if we're short, she can have mine.
Daphne: Where will you sleep?
Niles: [meaningfully] Well, I'll think of something.
Daphne: [to Frasier] Are you sure you wouldn't mind?
Frasier: [struggling to hide his reluctance] Oh well, yes, why not? I mean, what could be more fun than a gung-ho girls' rugby captain? [Daphne runs off to her room to phone Annie as Frasier turns to Niles; through clenched teeth] I will kill you for this!
But when Daphne returns from having phoned Annie, Frasier changes his tune very quickly...
Frasier: Listen, Niles, if you want to make a fool of yourself with Daphne, that is your affair. But frankly, I will not have you ruin my ski weekend by inviting along this girl that sounds to me like an avalanche risk! I'm going to tell Daphne, no guests!
Daphne: [returning from her room] I called Annie! She's all excited. Turns out she just bought new skis with the money she made off her new swimsuit calendar! [heads into the kitchen; Frasier turns to Niles, barely able to keep from smirking]
Frasier: Well, I hope you're happy - we're stuck with her now!
The Crane Party's arrival at the lodge reveals that Frasier has taken an immediate shine to Annie - Niles, not so much...
Niles: I'm just glad we got here alive. The way you were taking those curves so sharply, poor Annie kept getting thrown up against you.
Frasier: [grinning] Well, what can I say? I'm a bad driver.
Niles: I grant you she's comely, but don't you find her a tad... what would the polite euphemism be... stupid?
Frasier: Niles, she is just unschooled, like Eliza Doolittle. Find her the right Henry Higgins, she'll be ready for a ball in no time!
Niles: [deadpan] Leave it to you to put the "pig" back in "Pygmalion."
Frasier: Thank you.
[Daphne and Annie enter, carrying assorted luggage]
Daphne: Goodness, this place is lovely!
Frasier: Yes, isn't it, though? [gestures toward the window] I mean, look at that vista, it's stunning! Puts one in mind of the Matterhorn, doesn't it?
Annie: Oh, I wouldn't know, I'm not very musical! [Niles looks at Frasier as if to say "See what I mean?"]
Unfortunately for Frasier's designs on Annie, she is far more interested in Niles, despite Daphne telling her to stay away from him due to her history as a maneater. Their conversation is interrupted by the arrival of their ski instructor and chef, former Olympian Guy, who immediately catches Daphne's eye. But when Martin notices two deer nuzzling affectionately just outside their window, we see that none of the attractions are mutual, and one of them is rather unexpected...
Martin: [looking out of the window] Aw, look at that. Two deer in the snow, just kind of nuzzling each other.
Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Annie, Guy: Aww./How cute. [etc.]
Daphne: How romantic.
Frasier: Yes, it's enough to put ideas in one's head. [looks meaningfully toward Annie]
Annie: Isn't it? [looks meaningfully toward Niles]
Niles: Yes. [looks meaningfully toward Daphne]
Daphne: I should say so. [looks meaningfully toward Guy]
Guy: Absolument. [looks meaningfully toward Niles's ass]
All it takes is Martin's cold-induced hearing impairment leading to a few miscommunications (such as hearing Daphne wondering why Annie couldn't be "hot for Frasier" instead of Niles as her saying Annie is "hot for Frasier", which he then relays to Frasier himself, and assuming that when Guy asks if Niles "is..." that he is referring to his attraction to Daphne, which he confirms), Guy misinterpreting Daphne's attempts to protect Niles from Annie (who expresses sympathy for his impending divorce, as her last boyfriend was divorced... eventually) as evidence that they're in a lesbian relationship, and Daphne and Annie accidentally going into each other's bedrooms in front of Frasier and Niles, then swapping back after the brothers have gone into their own rooms, and the stage is set for a series of doors opening and closing and shock discoveries of the wrong people in the wrong beds in varying states of undress.
- First, Niles knocks on what he thinks is Daphne's door, enters to find the room's occupant in the bathroom, and declares that he's wanted her since he first saw her. He is shocked to find Annie in the room instead, and for a moment, he is too paralysed by shock to resist her:
  Annie: Just promise me you won't mention this to Daphne.
  Niles: My lips are sealed.
  Annie: [hungrily] Not for long, I hope.
- Guy comes to Niles' rescue, "reminding" him that he wanted to see "that thing" in his room. Rather than let him return to his room, Guy invites Niles into his own room:
  Niles: It's much safer. No matter how hard I try, I'm bound to make noise. [heads for Guy's room]
  Guy: [grinning] Me too.
- They enter Guy's room to find Daphne waiting on the bed; such is her shock at seeing Guy and Niles enter that she claims she mistook the room for Annie's. Niles offers to lead her back to her room, and misses the innuendo in Guy's "I'll see you later" valediction. Niles and Daphne pass a champagne-carrying Frasier on the landing, but Niles first invites Daphne into his room to tell her something. He doesn't get the chance, as Annie is already there:
  Daphne: [outraged] Didn't I tell you to leave Dr. Crane alone!?
  Annie: And now I see why! You wanted him all to yourself!
  Daphne: I do not want him all to myself!
  Annie: Oh, I see! It's a threesome you're after! Well, I don't do those anymore!
- Annie is now convinced that Niles has declared his love for her and then dumped her, and she runs off in tears. Niles follows Daphne back to her room in an attempt to explain, only to find a nude Frasier in Daphne's bed, popping the cork on the champagne. The mortified Frasier wraps a bedsheet around himself and leaves with the champagne, only to enter Niles' room by mistake to find a nude Guy in his bed:
  Guy: You are not the Crane I want!
  Frasier: You're not even the sex I want!
  Guy: Where is Niles!?
  Frasier: [opens the door to Daphne's room and sticks his head through] Oh, Niles? Company!
  Niles: [enters and takes in the sight of Frasier and Guy, neither wearing anything other than bed linens] Oh my God! What are you doing in here with Guy?!
  Guy: Don't be jealous, Niles, it's not how it looks!
  Niles: Oh. [turns to leave, then stops] WHAT!?
- Frasier decides to resume his pursuit of Annie, but when he finally gets the right room, she throws him back into Niles' room and follows him, wearing only a towel. Frasier says Martin told him she was "hot for" him, but only because Daphne told him, and Daphne insists she told Martin that Annie was after Niles. Guy then asks if he and Niles can have some privacy, leading to Annie accusing Niles of putting the moves on everyone present (except his own family):
  Niles: [after a few seconds' confusion-induced paralysis] Would you kindly get out of my bed!? I am not gay, Guy!
  Guy: Please, acknowledge your true nature! Stop chasing these lesbians!
  Daphne: [livid] Lesbians?!
- Martin's contribution to the big argument? Wander in to complain about everyone else yelling, and how it's stopping him getting any sleep, before noticing his hearing's finally gotten better, and cheerfully bidding everyone good night.
- Niles suggests that, rather than sort out the many misunderstandings, they just forget it all happened and go to bed. Everything gets topped off by Frasier's perfect summation:
  Frasier: Let me see if I can get this straight. All the lust coursing through this lodge tonight... all the hormones virtually ricocheting off the walls, and no one... was chasing me?
  (everyone else absorbs this and concludes that he's right.)
  Frasier: (shoulders slumping, resigned) See you at breakfast.
In The Tag, Annie changes her mind about Frasier and knocks on his door with a bottle of spirits, hoping to get with him after all. When he doesn't answer the door she assumes he's mad at her and goes back to her room, dejected. Frasier then walks out of the kitchen and goes back into his room, never knowing she was there.

515: Room Service

Frasier's reaction to seeing Lilith again, just as he's signing off his show:
Frasier: This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you good mental (sees Lilith) AAAAAAGH!
(Lilith rolls her eyes)
Frasier: I-I'm sorry, um, someone just walked into the room and frightened me. It's, uh, my ex-wife, so if you're a regular listener, you know what I'm talking about.
Lilith announces her next husband left her... for a man.
Lilith: Brian said he wanted someone more feminine... and he found him.
Later, Frasier meets Niles for coffee...
Frasier: Speaking of buns I could do without, Lilith is back.
Niles: Oh, that explains why blood was pouring from all my faucets this morning.
Frasier: Now go easy on her. Her husband has left her, and get this: for a man!
Niles: Damn! I owe Dad $5!
A Running Gag throughout the episode is Niles suffering through a bout of narcolepsy in which he falls asleep when stressed out. One instance has him falling asleep face-first in the freezer. When Frasier wakes Niles up and informs him of what happened:
Niles: Oh, that's so strange. I dreamt I was tangoing with Maris.
On hearing Lilith is stopping by the apartment, Daphne and Martin angrily demand to know why Frasier didn't warn them. When she's at the door, they run for their bedrooms. Martin in particular is so terrified he leaves his cane behind.
Martin: [the doorbell rings; he answers the door to reveal Niles] Oh, hey Niles.
Niles: Evening, Dad. [nods to Daphne on the sofa] Daphne.
Frasier: Hello, Niles. [holds up the sherry decanter] Sherry? I think we have time before Lilith arrives. [removes the stopper and pours a glass]
Martin: [horrified] What!? You never said she was coming up here!
Daphne: [likewise] You just said you were going to dinner!
Martin: You never said she was coming up here!
Frasier: [replacing the stopper in the decanter] It's just to rendezvous, it's all of two minutes!
Martin: But you never told me! I- you've been home an hour and you never told me, not a word, [to Daphne] did he say anything to you??
Daphne: No, nothing, [to Frasier] you could have told us, you know, we could have made plans to be elsewhere!
Martin: [to Daphne] Well, how come you didn't know about it!? You usually know these things, you used to get a headache...
Daphne: [overlapping with Martin] Oh, now I'm to blame, am I!? It's not my fault, you know...
[they continue arguing for a few seconds]
Frasier: ALL RIGHT! [Martin and Daphne stop arguing] She's coming! Both of you, suck it up! [gravely] Lilith has had a devastating week! Her husband has left her! [Martin and Daphne look ashamed] The least you can do is show a little compassion, unless, of course, you'd like to go hide in your rooms because two minutes of polite conversation with a woman in need is too much to ask!
[the doorbell rings]
Martin: OUTTA MY WAY! [runs for it]
Daphne: Me too! [runs after Martin; he drops his cane as he runs up the steps, and Daphne reaches for it]
Martin: LEAVE IT! [she does, and they both flee to their bedrooms]
Frasier worries that with Lilith vulnerable after her husband has left her, they will end up in bed together against their better judgement. His resistance crumbles as soon as she arrives, and Niles has to intervene:
Niles: Remember, Frasier, I'm here for you if you feel yourself starting to weaken.
Frasier: [downs his sherry and sets down his glass] I'm fine. [heads to the door] Believe me, I am in complete control. [opens the door to reveal Lilith, wearing her hair down and sporting a dress that only goes a few inches down her thighs] Oh, baby!...
Lilith: [deadpan] Thank you Frasier, I needed that. [entering the apartment] I treated myself to a little shopping this afternoon. Probably just a pathetic attempt to compensate for the battering my ego's taken recently. It's... pretty transparent, huh?
Frasier: [still transfixed by the dress] No, but if you stand in the light maybe-
Niles: Frasier!
[...]
Frasier: [takes Lilith's wrap, revealing that the back of the dress is cut down to the base of her spine] Yowza!... Oh, Lilith, that... that dress is stunning!
Niles: Frasier, may I see you in the kitchen?
Frasier: [quickly] No!
Lilith: It's from a new couture line called "Encore!"
Frasier: Oh, well, bravo! I can almost feel the curtain rising!
Niles: FRASIER! [runs over, grabs Frasier, and shoves him toward the kitchen]
- Plus there's Lilith and Niles' greeting one another:
  Lilith: Niles, sorry to hear your marriage ended in a shambles.
  Niles: Ditto.
Niles comes up with what seems like the perfect antidote to Frasier's lust for his now-single ex-wife:
Niles: [as Frasier downs a glass of water to steady his nerves] When you feel yourself yielding to her, summon an image so repellent, you'll be incapable of any sexual desire. Ehm... [thinks] Remember, the summer we were at Uncle Henry's farm, we found that dead horse, lying in the hot sun, crawling with maggots?
Frasier: Yes, yes, of course. [pours himself another glass of water and starts drinking it]
Niles: Hold onto that picture! You can ride that horse to safety.
Frasier: [nods] Thank you, Niles. You know, that might just do the trick. When it comes to an ugly image, you can't beat a dead horse.
Niles: Feel up to facing her again?
Frasier: Yes! Let her bat her eyes all she wants to, she can push her breasts up to Canada, I won't budge!
Gilligan Cut: Lilith wakes up in her hotel room bed, having slept with... Niles.
[as Niles and Lilith drift back to consciousness, they dart to opposite edges of the bed; Niles gasps loudly in horror]
Lilith: My GOD! What did we do, what did we do!?
Niles: Well... first, you put your-
Lilith: I know what we did, what do we do now?!
Niles: [as Lilith begins hyperventilating] Let's try to stay calm. These things happen. They happen every day. [Beat] Every day in Arkansas!^note [groans] Frasier is going to kill us! Oh... why did you have to look so damn bewitching all evening?
Lilith: Why'd you have to drive me home and walk me to my door?
Niles: Oh... there's no point in pointing fingers. We both know why this happened. Last night was simply... two wounded people, overcome with loneliness, and confusion, and...
Lilith: Tequila shooters. [she and Niles both grimace and place a hand to their foreheads as Hangover Sensitivity kicks in]
The significance of the episode's title comes into play when a room service waiter delivers their breakfast (Eggs Benedict for Niles, Eggs Florentine for Lilith). Lilith sends him away for ketchup.
Niles: Ketchup on Eggs Florentine!?
Waiter: [smirking] Oh, your first breakfast together?
Lilith: [acidly] Just get it.
Within seconds of the waiter's departure, there's another knock at the door - this time, it's Frasier. Niles and Lilith panic, and Lilith suggests hiding in the bathroom. So Niles runs in - and Lilith runs in after him and shuts the door. The door immediately opens and Niles throws Lilith out again.
Frasier is surrendering to his desire, unaware that Niles did exactly that the previous night... although the game is almost given away when Niles falls asleep and accidentally flushes the toilet. Lilith claims the toilet is defective and hurries into the bathroom, where she explains the situation to Niles.
Niles: [outraged] Does the man have no scruples!? He specifically asked me last night to keep him away from you, but the minute my back is turned, he sneaks back here [off Lilith's unamused look] and yes, I'm aware of the irony...
Lilith exits the bathroom to see that Frasier has changed into a bathrobe:
Lilith: [exasperated] My God...
Frasier: [pure lust] My goddess!
The waiter chooses this moment to return with the ketchup; Lilith tries to get rid of him, but since he needs to collect the bill, Frasier decides to let him in, and the waiter is understandably confused to see that Lilith is now with a different man.
Frasier: [as Lilith retrieves the bill from the bathroom, in which she hid the cart with Niles] Well, this is a... little embarrassing. [chuckles and gestures toward the bathroom] That's my ex-wife, we're, uh... sort of re-connecting.
Waiter: Yes, sir, that's, uh... wonderful.
Frasier: Well, who knows, it may just work out this time!
Waiter: [adds this to the picture he already has of the situation] Okay...
Still unaware of Niles' presence, Frasier orders some Eggs Benedict for himself, saying "No reason why she should eat alone!" and prompting another "Okay..." from the increasingly bewildered waiter.
Niles has another attack of narcolepsy and falls face first into his Eggs Benedict; the noise is too much for Lilith to explain away, and Frasier finally discovers Niles in the bathroom and storms out in a rage.
Niles: [beside himself with guilt and horror] This is my worst nightmare!
Lilith: You have egg on your face.
Niles: That is an understatement!
Lilith: No, actual egg! [Niles touches his fingers to his forehead; there is a furious knocking at the door, which Lilith goes to answer] It's in your hair, too. [Lilith opens the door to reveal Frasier]
Niles: [with immense relief] I knew you couldn't stay mad at us!
Frasier: I'M - IN - A - BATHROBE, YOU JACKASS! [storms across the room and grabs his trousers]
Lilith tries to explain to Frasier that she and Niles only slept together because the demises of their respective marriages left both of them emotionally fragile as they had never been before, and in desperate need of self-affirmation. Frasier turns things around and claims they were both jealous of him, and slept together as an act of passive aggression against him.
Lilith: Allow me to rebut: what a crock!
Niles interjects and describes the situation as two superegos simply trying to re-connect with their respective ids.
Frasier: [sitting down heavily] Okay... the three of us have certainly analysed the crap out of this!
The situation is finally resolved when Niles breaks through his narcolepsy after telling off Maris' lawyers over the phone and reaching a new level of self-confidence, Lilith gets over the idea that her husband left her because she is unattractive, and Frasier, though reluctantly, concedes that the thought of Niles and Lilith sleeping together has finally cooled his own desire for her. Lilith heads into the bathroom to eat her Eggs Florentine... and the waiter returns with Frasier's breakfast, now finding Frasier and Niles in the room.
Waiter: Okay... [leaves without handing over the bill, closing the door behind him]
The Stinger has Lilith comfortably eating her Eggs Florentine in the bathroom with the food cart.

516: Beware of Greeks

Daphne chimes in on the Crane family discussion about Zora banning them from her restaurant.
Daphne: I know this is a private discussion, but... I like zither music, and I always have.
(she leaves without further comment. The Cranes look at one another in confusion)
Frasier: ... and we're back.
Frasier and Niles discussing why Aunt Zora is The Dreaded in their family:
Frasier: She can't avoid me if I go down and meet her face-to-face. I'm going to go to that restaurant.
Niles: Do you have a death wish? She'll eat you alive!
Frasier: Oh, I'm not afraid of her!
Niles: Everyone is! Have you forgotten the family legend that when Hitler invaded Greece, she joined the partisans just so she could strangle Nazis?
Frasier: I have never believed that! She would have to have been five years old at the time!
Niles: Well, that's why the legend says they were strangled with jump ropes.
Frasier arrives at Zora's kitchen to talk to her, but she is still carrying a grudge for his meddling in her son's life. She angrily stomps around the kitchen while Frasier pleads with her, and when they're done Frasier jokes "I've always wanted to take a tour of the Greek Islands." A chef chuckles at this, only for Zora to immediately smack him round the face. Frasier also appeals to Zora's compassion only for her to declare that she'll ram a skewer into someone's eye when she finds out who slightly bent it. Beware of Greeks indeed.
After mending a family rift and being able to talk to his brother for the first time in five years (something he's talked about looking forward to), Martin and Walt are barely even able to make small talk.
Later on, Martin gets filmed insulting Zora and Walt (saying the former was "easier to make than a peanut butter sandwich" before marrying Walt, whom he describes as "not the brightest bulb in the box"), and so arranges to take the tape containing the offending recording. He hears how footage has been taken from all over his in-law's side of the family, rare and irreplaceable testimony, including an aunt who is well over 100. He hesitates.
Martin: ... I can't do this.
Daphne: (leans over) I think you press that one there.
Martin: Oh. (cheerfully ejects the tape and promptly throws it away)
After Frasier mends the relationship between Nikos and his ex Crystal, she shows up to the rehearsal dinner and the two lovingly... juggle breadsticks. Then Zora comes after Frasier with a broken wine bottle.
Nikos: Once again, he stopped me from making a terrible mistake. So everyone, please lift your glasses to my cousin, Frasier Crane!
Zora: Oh I can do better than a glass! (Zora smashes a nearby wine bottle and goes for Frasier)
Niles' reason for not wanting to go: Cousin Yvonne.
Daphne: Who's Cousin Yvonne?
Frasier: Oh, a distant cousin who has a slight crush on Niles.
Niles: "A slight crush"?! There are cannibals who are less man-hungry.
Daphne: That's funny, I've always thought it would be kind of romantic to have a secret admirer, someone who longed for me that much. But I do see your point, Dr. Crane. When you think about it, it is kind of sick.
Niles: (defensive) Yeah, well, perhaps "sick" is a tad judgmental.
- Niles then being chased all night by her, whose bosom is pushed up and exposed in her dress.
  Yvonne: I haven't seen you two in a long time!
  Niles: (staring at her chest) Oh well, I haven't seen your two in a long time — "you, too," "you, too!"
  (Yvonne grins broadly, knowing exactly what he meant.)

517: The Perfect Guy

Martin starting an argument with Robert, a store owner Niles likes frequenting, over the price of his foodstuff.
Niles: That man is my father, so I can't be seen walking out with a bagful of your shopping.
Robert: Home delivery?
On seeing the new guy at KACL, Dr. Clint Webber, whom all the ladies in the station swoon over, an annoyed Bulldog and Gil show up to complain, prompting a surprising reveal that Gil is married.
Frasier: You're married?
Bulldog: To a woman?
Gil: Of course to a woman! You've all heard me mention Deb. How often have I said "I must be running along now. Deb will be waiting"?
Roz: ... we thought Deb was your cat.
Gil: She is not a cat! She's Mrs Gilbert Leslie Chesterton, a Sarah Lawrence graduate and the owner of a very successful auto body repair shop! Honestly, the conclusions people make just because a man dresses well and knows how to hold a pastry bag! (storms out)
(Beat)
Frasier: Well, that's the first time I've ever seen a man in himself.
- Bulldog complains that Webber is taking the attention of the women of KACL away from himself. He petulantly lifts up his shirt to show off his abs and invites someone to try punching him to show off how toned he is. When Roz leaps forward to take him up on the offer he hurriedly clarifies that he meant Frasier or Gil and not her.
While at Café Nervosa, Frasier is still grumbling about Dr. Webber, whose impressiveness only escalates the more he talks to him.
Frasier: (after Dr. Webber steps outside for a moment, and Roz takes a moment to fan herself down) Stop it. Yes, the man is good-looking. It's not like he can stop traffic!
(sound of tires screeching and several horns honking)
Frasier: There's a blind corner out there! We don't know if that was him.
In the B-plot, Eddie refuses to eat anything but the expensive dog food from Robert's shop. Martin finally decides to swallow his pride and apologize to Robert. Just as Martin mends the rift with Robert, Daphne manages to sabotage it by getting outraged by the prices herself.

518: Bad Dog

Frasier, obviously obsessing over Bulldog's reluctance to tell the truth about what he did, claims he'll go to bed. As everyone else is talking about how this shows growth, he wordlessly grabs his coat and leaves the apartment to go confront Bulldog again, to none of their surprise.
Daphne: Should've asked him to pick up some milk.
After multiple attempts by Frasier to get Bulldog to confess, none of which work, Martin has his own solution: Yell "he's got a gun!", prompting Bulldog to use his own mother as a human shield, in front of everyone at the award ceremony... Roz, whom he'd previously used as a human shield included.
Frasier: (as Roz and Bulldog's mom beat the crap out of Bulldog) Thanks, dad.
Martin: I'm no hero. I just wanted you to shut up.

519: Frasier Gotta Have It

The episode revolves around Frasier's fling with Caitlin, an extreme Granola Girl. Frasier finds out a little too late she's not interested in fine wines, and is a vegan.
Caitlin: I cut out alcohol last year, along with processed sugar, dairy products, and meat... Oh, I hope I'm not screwing up your menu! What are you serving?
Frasier: Well, so far, parsley.
But despite this, he insists to Niles it could work... until Caitlin takes a fondness for Martin's chair.
Frasier: [walking Niles to the door] Will you stop smirking!? It's going to take more than a harmless dabbling in astrology to dim the charm of this appealing young woman.
Caitlin: [sitting in Martin's chair and reclining it] Oh my God! This is the coolest chair!
Frasier: [off Niles' triumphant look] Just get out! [shoves him out and closes the door after him]
After realizing he and Caitlin aren't too compatible, Frasier talks with Martin first thing in the morning.
Frasier: Last night I experienced the most wonderous physical pleasure a man can experience.
Martin: (holds up his hand) Frasier... last night, I shared my bed with a dog.
Niles complains about Frasier's weak will ruining a wine-tasting session.
Niles: What kind of weak-willed man allows a woman to come between him and a 1981 Cheval Blanc?
Daphne: Y'know, just out of curiosity, why didn't you go by yourself instead of sitting with me for half an hour?
(Niles, true to fashion, pauses awkwardly)
Niles: I was worried about him, Daphne. Worried sick.
Daphne recalling an old story about her getting a tan — specifically, a nude rooftop tan and being found by a muscular fireman — and Niles's increasing irritation about the interruptions. The culmination comes while Frasier and Roz are in the kitchen for a moment, coming back out as Daphne finishes. Whatever it is the story entails, Niles responds by silently standing up and slowly staggering out of the apartment.
Frasier's increasing irritation with no-one in his friends and family listening to his radio show, starting with Niles, then Martin, and finally Roz failing to recognise advice he'd given just a few days prior.
Roz: I don't remember that.
Frasier: You were five feet away! Doesn't anyone listen?
Going over to Caitlin's apartment to break up with her, but is delighted to hear she only views their relationship as a temporary sexual fling, too. However, he starts to get turned off when he finds out she installed meat hooks on her ceiling (her loft was originally a daycare centre), cuts her own hair and puts it in her pillows, uses dead mice for her artwork, and howls at the moon like a wolf. Frasier decides enough is enough, but Caitlin has an ironclad way to win him back:
Frasier: Listen, Caitlin, I, I'm starting to think that maybe this isn't such a good idea! [starts putting his trousers back on]
Caitlin: What do you mean?
Frasier: [struggling into his trousers] Well, you know, we're just... so... different, I'm basically your stuffy, button down sort of guy, and you're, well, you're a free-spirited, adventurous, mouse-paintin', moon-howlin' sort of a girl! [finishes fastening his trousers and grabs his shirt] Is even the most satisfying sexual relationship enough to bridge that gap?
Caitlin: Well, I think so... [faces Frasier, unfastens her robe, and lowers it to her waist] What do you think?
[Beat; Frasier howls like a wolf, then we cut to a floor-level view as Caitlin's robe and Frasier's shirt and trousers drop to the floor]

521: Roz and the Schnoz

This is one of the funniest episodes in the series, when Roz finds out the grandparents of her unborn child, Steve and Paula Garrett, have gigantic noses — and they are completely oblivious to the fact (or, at least, completely un-self-conscious about it), which leaves everyone in stitches when they're not watching. As a bonus piece of information, director Ken Levine later revealed that he purposely had the camera crew keep the camera rolling even when the other actors started Corpsing, meaning it's pretty much impossible to tell just how much of the characters' laughter is actually the actors' trying their hardest not to break character. It gets especially funny when they keep dropping unintentional Puns - for example:
Paula: Daphne mentioned you're going to a dog show?
Niles: Yes, the Seattle Kennel Club is having its annual event tonight.
Paula: You know, Steve and I went to that a few years ago, we just love dogs! We have two giant schnauzers.
[Niles has the fixed grin of someone trying desperately not to laugh, while Daphne has to hide her face behind her hand as she starts giggling; the studio audience are laughing hardest of all]
At Frasier's invitation, Roz finally ushers Steve and Paula onto the balcony of his apartment ("I could use a breath of fresh air!" says Paula, setting off Niles and Daphne again). Then Martin returns early from a failed excursion to retrace his and Duke's 1952 shore leave weekend in San Francisco, as he tells Frasier:
Martin: [enters with a duffel bag and a sour expression] I'm home.
Frasier: Dad! What are you doing here?
Martin: Aw, Frisco was a bust! All our watering holes are gone, the steakhouse is a sushi bar! And then this morning Duke and I went out for a walk. We passed City Hall, and there's this big crowd, kinda like a pep rally or something. [removes and hangs up his coat] So, we joined 'em. Well, some official guy up front says something that we didn't hear, next thing you know, everybody's throwing rice, and all the men are kissing each other, and all the women are kissing each other, and I'm not sure but I think Duke and I may be married.
Martin is just as gobsmacked as the other four by the sight of Steve and Paula's enormous noses — and their apparent oblivion to said facial features. And when Paula offhandedly mentions that she is apprehensive about joining their son Rick (Roz's baby daddy) in Paris as she hears Parisians can be snooty, Daphne, Niles, and Martin have to leave the room for the kitchen - at which point they double over (or in Niles' case, fall over) laughing.
Daphne: [whispering through laughter as she removes a quiche from the oven] We've got to stop, they'll hear us!
Steve: [from the living room] Mmm, what's that I smell?
Martin: [sotto voce] Probably Japan. [he, Niles, and Daphne double over laughing again]
Frasier reprimands his brother, father, and his father's live-in physical therapist for their insensitivity... and is then pushed to breaking point himself when he presents the quiche that has just come out of the oven. Fortunately, Steve inadvertently gives him a cover by reacting to his presentation of the Quiche Lorraine with "Quiche her? I hardly know her!":
[Frasier is standing between Steve and Paula, his struggle to keep from laughing getting mightier by the second]
Paula: Do you mind if I ask? Is this homemade or store-bought?
Steve: Honey, don't ask that! Pardon my wife, sometimes she gets a little nosey.
Paula: Me nosey? You're the nosey one in the family.
Steve: Anyone who knows you knows you're nosey!
Paula: Anyone who knows you knows you're nosier!
[and that's all Frasier can stand; he wordlessly hands the quiche to Niles and heads for the kitchen]
Martin: [smirking] Something wrong, Fras?
[as Frasier enters the kitchen, he bursts into hysterical laughter, which sets off Martin, Niles, and Daphne as well; Frasier eventually appears in the doorway]
Frasier: "Quiche her? I hardly know her!" [through more laughter] I... just... got that!
Frasier tries to console Roz, but she says what everyone is probably thinking:
Frasier: You know Roz, in spite of a rather shaky beginning, I think this evening's turned out rather well.
Roz: Oh yeah, and you were absolutely right, Frasier. Now I can see some of the qualities my baby can have. A great sense of humor... a sweet disposition... a nose like an ANTEATER!!
Finally, Roz gets some relief that Rick, the father, had a normal nose. Then she learns that Rick broke his nose in a hockey accident, and had plastic surgery to fix it. Steve and Paula give her a picture of Rick from before the surgery. After they leave, Roz's reaction to the picture is predictable:
Roz: Oh my GOD!
Frasier: Oh, come on, Roz! It can't be that bad, let me have a look!
Roz: No, no way, no! I'll never hear the end of it!
Frasier: Please.
(Roz shows Frasier the photos. He looks... and quickly shows them to Niles and Daphne. They stare.)
Niles: (awed) Where is the end of it?
After everything's been settled, Daphne still Trolls Roz:
Roz: Oh, I just felt a kick.
Daphne: You sure it wasn't a sneeze?
Roz: (amiably) Ha. ha.

522: Life of the Party

At the beginning of the episode, Martin's going through his mail, which consists of "geezer mail". Daphne suggests he try looking younger, suggesting a shade of hair dye if he wants.
Daphne: I know just the right shade for you: Cinnamon sable.
Martin: Cinnamon sable? Sounds nice. Oh, wait, that's Duke's shade. He'd scratch my eyes out(!)
Niles comes around, prompting another discussion between the Crane boys about their terrible love life, when Daphne chimes in, and Frasier shows he has a technique for dealing with Motormouth.
Frasier: Where do you go to meet people?
Daphne: Oh, it's not that hard. Just yesterday I met a very nice man at the grocery. We got to talking and he asked me if I was free Saturday night. I said "yes", he said "oh, wait, that's me niece's Bat Mitzvah." I said "I'd never been to a Bat Mitzvah." He said "would you like to go to the Bat Mitzvah?" I said "ooh, yes, I'd love to go to the Bat Mitzvah." So he said-
Frasier: Daphne?
Daphne: Yes?
Frasier: Oh, nothing, I'm sorry, go on.
Daphne: ... I seem to have lost me train of thought. Oh, well. Anyone like some tea?
Frasier: Oh, love some.
Niles: Thank you, yes.
(Daphne heads back into the kitchen)
Frasier: Little trick I discovered a few weeks ago. It's a lifesaver.
Martin comes in, escaping from Daphne's Bat Mitzvah story, and hears their woes, leading to a Frasier burn.
Martin: Why don't you do what me and my buddies used to do when we were hard up for dates?
Frasier: Invade Korea?
(Niles starts chortling so hard he has difficulty standing)
Martin then reveals his actual idea: A singles party, where only single people are allowed. Apparently they used to call them "Marty Parties".
Martin: I used to throw one a month. People used to call them Marty Parties. People'd call me and say, "Marty, when's the next Marty Party? Isn't it about time for another Marty Party? Sure had a great time at that last Marty Party."
Frasier: Uh, dad?
Martin: Yeah?
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, nothing.
Martin: Or somebody might say, "can I host the next Marty Party?"
Frasier: (to Niles) Doesn't always work.
Niles politely demurs, since he figures he and Frasier aren't that desperate yet. However...
Martin: We'll just get ready for the evening. I'll dish out the spaghetti, and you guys set up the card table. (turning increasingly somber) I got us a new jigsaw puzzle. Ten thousand pieces. (now with dread) It's called "The Wheat Field".
At the party, Frasier and Niles spend their time fighting over Vicky, an attractive antiques expert who's caught their eye. Martin, meanwhile, has gone ahead and dyed his hair using cheap hairspray, which soon starts leaking onto anything he puts his head against. Roz is present trying to get a date, but is foiled by being rusty from spending nine months pregnant and spooking guys with said pregnancy. Just as Frasier's getting somewhere, Roz has some news: Her water's just broke. Frasier is more concerned about getting with Vicky.
Frasier: Maybe you sat in something?
Niles: (from another room) OH MY GOD! WHAT'S ALL OVER MY TURKISH PRAYER RUG?!
Of course, even Roz's problem doesn't stop Frasier from having his own priorities, as he still tries asking Vicky out, but she politely rejects him. Frasier chooses the wrong person to complain at.
Frasier: My God, what is wrong with me? Why can't I find a single woman who's interested in me?!
Roz: (calmly) Those are two different questions really, so we should just sit down and talk them both over. Oh, wait, I can't BECAUSE I'M IN LABOR!

523: Party, Party

The episode's A-Plot revolves around Frasier trying to get it on with a woman named Tricia, and circumstances keep getting in the way of that, such as Niles wanting to go to a Safari Club party downstairs, or Daphne and his dad trying to throw him a surprise birthday party. At the very end of the episode, it looks like Frasier has finally managed to earn another chance with Tricia, after setbacks and aggravation galore, by asking to drive her to Spokane. And because this is Frasier we're talking about, just as they're getting underway it turns out she likes country and western, and hates opera. Which Frasier seems willing to look past... then she also turns out to be a proselytizer for an evangelical group preaching "The Truth".
The B-Plot has Niles having slept with Allison Landis, an Elliott Bay Towers resident and the wife of Karl, an influential member of the Safari Club, a man who is inattentive, a Gun Nut, and ragingly jealous toward said wife.
- Niles only learns that Allison is married when Frasier accidentally bumps into Karl, who snaps, "If I wanted this martini shaken, I'd have asked the bartender to do it!" Another guest, Nigel, tells them not to mind "Rhino" - so nicknamed because of his beastly temper. Nigel reveals that Karl is a serial philanderer, and predicts that one day, Allison will return fire and "rub his bloodthirsty nose in it".
  Niles: [to Frasier, with a fixed grin] Here's something interesting - I think I just swallowed my tongue! [begins hyperventilating]
  Frasier: Niles, Niles, just be calm, be calm, what's done is done, you didn't know, and now it's over. As long as you've both been discreet, there's no reason it should ever get back to Rhino.
  Karl: [on the other side of the room, talking to Allison] I don't know what you're insinuating.
  Allison: [scoffs] Don't lie! Everyone knows what goes on in that pup tent! [folds her arms defiantly] Well, I can play at that game too. In fact, I already have, and with somebody right here tonight! [Niles grimaces and places a hand on Frasier's chest to steady himself] How do you like that?
  Niles: Frasier! I have to ask a small favour: I need you to create a distraction while I have a sex change and move to Europe.
- Partway through the party, Frasier sneaks out in another attempt to meet up with Tricia, and Niles tries to claim that the departing guest must have been Allison's lover. Karl believes differently, saying he can smell the man's fear, and he's still in the room. He demands the guilty party stand up so they can talk it out. Niles, clearly fearing the worst, prepares to stand up anyway after a long pause... and then several other men stand up instead. Niles hurriedly sits back down.
  Karl: That many, huh? [to Allison, who shrugs] My God, woman, you're as bad as I am. [to Allison's lovers] Come on, ya bastards, join me in a drink! [laughs and claps one of the men on the back as Niles sips his drink nervously]

524: Sweet Dreams

With Frasier's car in the shop, Daphne is forced to chauffeur him around, and gets dragged to a protest against the demolition of a local bookstore by a strip mall developer. When the police start arresting the demonstrators, Frasier is off like a shot while Daphne ends up in jail. She is understandably angry at Frasier when Martin finally bails her out after six hours at the police station, and Niles tries to offer his support, only to tumble headlong into That Came Out Wrong - and, somehow, straight back out again:
Frasier: Daphne... I am... so sorry, I feel just terrible.
Daphne: [icily] As you should! You left me handcuffed and helpless!
Niles: [a little TOO quickly] If you ever find yourself in that position again, be sure to call on me! [Daphne gives him a puzzled look, while Frasier opts for a contemptuous glare; Niles returns Frasier's glare] For help.
Daphne: Thank you, Dr. Crane! [to Frasier] Shame on you, Dr. Crane! Why can't you be more like Dr. Crane?
Frasier ends up declining Niles' invitation to a new fusion restaurant, but Martin, after six hours in the police station, says he is hungry enough for anything and leaves with Niles as the latter begins explaining the cuisine at a new restaurant called "Mahalo Valhalla" (which fuses Polynesian and Scandinavian; Frasier drily notes that perhaps God put those countries so far apart for a reason). Frasier picks up the phone and dials a pizza joint - and correctly anticipates what happens next:
Frasier: Hello. Yes, I'd like to order a large pizza. What toppings? Huh. Uh... just a second... [Martin opens the front door] Dad, what do you want on your pizza?
Martin: [sickened] Pepperoni!
This episode sees the introduction of new KACL station manager Kenny Daly, who wants Frasier to advertise Sweet Dreams tea on his show by claiming it gives people sweet dreams. As a psychiatrist, Frasier knows this is false and sees it as a betrayal of his principles to say it is true. So when his broadcast begins, he decides to protest against being forced to advertise something he doesn't believe in. Unfortunately, the station chooses a bad time to cut his broadcast and air a Best of Crane episode:
Frasier: Good afternoon, Seattle. The people who know me best will not be surprised by what I am about to tell you. I... am not a man... who betrays... his principles. [Roz looks at Kenny, who shakes his head sadly] I am not a man who misleads his listeners. I am not a man who will shrink from a fight! [looks at Kenny, who leaves Roz' booth; Roz removes her headphones and sighs] Today I find myself in a fight over the content of my show, but rather than truckle to the forces of commercialism, I've decided to take a stand on principle! Even if it means- [Roz enters from her booth, her coat over her arm; Frasier smiles thinly] I'm not on the air, am I.
Roz: No. They put on The Best of Crane.
Frasier: [removes his headphones] How much did I get out?
Roz: Well, let's see... [presses Play on the broadcast tape]
Recording Frasier: The people who know me best will not be surprised by what I am about to tell you. I... am not a man.
Frasier: [spends a few seconds absorbing this] Perfect.
Frasier, trying to get Kenny's job back for him, goes straight to the head of KACL and tries to get him to change his mind on the corporate pandering that lead to the whole situation. And, as typical for Frasier, he succeeds in entirely the wrong way. He convinces the station owner to do what he wants... which is to turn KACL into an all-salsa radio, getting everyone fired.
Frasier: (dazed) What the hell just happened?
Roz: You just got us all fired!
The Stinger has "Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs" sung in Spanish.

Season 6

601: Good Grief

The episode opens with a great piece of meta-humour; this season saw Frasier moved to 9pm on Thursdays, a time slot occupied by Seinfeld from 1993-98 (and by Cheers from 1983-93). The episode opens with Kelsey Grammer seeming to break character as he expresses admiration for the former occupant of his time slot and acknowledges that he has big shoes to fill... only for the camera to pan back and reveal that he isn't breaking character at all, and he is instead auditioning to succeed the long-serving presenter of the Show Within a Show Medical Minute.^note
Frasier working through the five stages of grief, with the first tile card being Denial. After several days dealing with denial, anger comes out at a lunch he's throwing for the ex-KACL employees... all of whom (save Roz) are doing better than him, just as he's trying to demonstrate how to whack a piñata. When Gil reveals that he got a job Frasier and Roz were hoping to get, Frasier first smashes the piñata into scrap paper (Martin tells Niles that when he was done, they found a jawbreaker on the opposite side of the highway), then, when Bebe calls him with the news, he turns his rage against his phone, crushing it into fragments.
Frasier sends Daphne down to the storage room to grab some pictures for him, and when she comes back, her hair is mussed and she speaks in an oddly cheerful tone as she recounts how something jumped into her hair and she beat it to death with a flashlight.
Frasier hears he has a fan club that wants to protest his show being taken off the air. He has a large buffet ready for them — and it turns out there's only three of them. After telling Frasier they intend to stop traffic with a rally, he's understandably mortified.
Frasier: I can't let them do this rally. Three kooks marching round in a circle, you know what that'll do?
Niles: (deadpan) Make them very dizzy very fast.
The fans know who Daphne is, and note she changed her hairdo. Daphne's reaction:
Daphne: (still faux cheery from earlier) Oh, how creepy!
After an entire episode of Frasier going through his depression over losing his job, Niles manages to crack him through to the fifth stage with one phrase:
Niles: Frasier... you're not famous anymore!
(Frasier begins wailing and sobbing)
- Roz tries offering support. It doesn't go well.
  Roz: Frasier, it's all how you look at things. Look at my life...
  Frasier: No career, no relationship, no hope!
  Roz: You can say the same thing about me.
  Frasier: I was talking about you!
- And as for Daphne:
  Daphne: Dr. Crane, my Grammy Moon used to say-
  (Frasier wails in despair)
  Martin: Are you trying to kill him?!
- Martin, meanwhile, gets distracted by Eddie, who he'd apparently taught to play dead when he hears the words "it's all over", which Frasier says. So...
  Martin: (seeing Eddie playing dead) I'm so proud of you!
  Frasier: I know you're just trying to make me feel better...
At the end of the episode, everything's sunshine and roses for Frasier, and Niles has good news:
Niles: I think this divorce is going to go very smoothly!
(Smash Cut to title card)
Title card: Denial

602: Frasier's Curse

The entire Running Gag of You Can't Fight Fate. Frasier moans about the Morton's Fork in that whether he goes or chooses not to, it always ends up in disaster.
Frasier's disastrously awful job interview. Humiliation Conga just doesn't quite cover it. And the aftermath, when Niles and Martin get back to the apartment.
Daphne: He mumbled something about it being worse than the Dresden premiere of Schumann's Second Symphony.
Niles: And you left him alone?!
Frasier moans about how he's always so embarrassed by class reunions:
Frasier: Destiny plans for me to walk into that reunion this evening the way I always do, the class loser! Pitied and shunned by everyone until I end up sitting with the most pathetic people there.
Niles: You mean... the chess club?
Frasier: Worse! The chess clubs' barbershop quartet.
Niles: Oh... the Checkmates.
Frasier running into an old, successful school-mate while fishing beer cans out of a trash can, as he's covered in grease, dressed casually, and pushing a shopping cart full of old dog food. All of which gives the impression that he's homeless, and his strident attempts to claim otherwise make him look like he's gone nuts.
After having finally, finally been persuaded to go to his old high school reunion by a Motivational Lie from Martin, Frasier leaves... while Daphne notices the flaws in the lie (the job Martin claimed he'd gotten is with a corporation run by one of the people at the reunion. In fact, it's the person hosting it). Just as Daphne points this out... cue the Dramatic Thunder.
The Brick Joke of Frasier's reunion experiences reaches its payoff in the final scene:
Frasier: (resigned) Hi, fellas.
Checkmate: Hi.
Frasier: (resigned) Hit it.
(Cue a rendition of "My Coney Island Baby", with Frasier depressedly and flatly supplying the bass-bartione "Oh honey" parts of the song, before Face Palming in shame.)

603: Dial M for Martin

Niles enters Café Nervosa to find Roz and Martin sharing a table:
Niles: I'm not interrupting anything personal, am I?
Roz: [takes Martin's hand] Yeah, Niles, we just eloped. I'm your new mom. [Martin pats her hand]
Niles: [smirks] Well, I'll be a son of a bitch. [Roz shoots him a Death Glare]
Since losing his job, Frasier and Martin having been going at each other's throats even worse than usual, so Martin floats the idea of moving in with Niles, who is against it, until he's reminded that Daphne would also be moving in with him. You can actually see how hard he is clinching his jaw from trying to contain his excitement.
When they tell the news to Daphne, she feels that if Martin can get up and down the stairs at Niles' apartment, then she isn't really needed anymore, sadly telling them that she will start looking for a new job soon. When Niles mentions how sad it'll be for Martin to be by himself while Niles is at his office, she reminds him that he'll have Eddie, who chooses that moment to jump into Niles' lap, causing Niles to struggle with every fiber in his being to keep from sobbing.
The first thing we see after Martin and Eddie move in with Niles is Eddie just randomly walking in a circle on Niles's table.
After Martin takes a tumble down Niles' stairs, Frasier idly speculates he's unintentionally doing it so Daphne will have a reason to stick around. As the day goes by, Niles comes across more and more like he's gone nuts and is actually trying to hurt Martin. Then, as they're going down the stairs, Martin edgily telling Niles to stay ahead of him, Daphne shows up announcing she's got a new job starting the next day.
Niles: (eerily calm) I can't let her leave. I just can't.
Martin: (nervous) Well, there's nothing we can do about it.
Niles: I still have a day... just have to be more resourceful.
Martin: (backing away so suddenly he stumbles) Like how?
Niles: It's my problem, not yours. I just have to think. (turns and heads back up the stairs) Fresh air, that'll calm me down. Oh, look at the sunset. Dad, come join me on the balcony.
(Martin starts running for the door)
Martin: Eddie! Get out of here, quick! Come on, come on, come on!
With Martin gone, Frasier is preparing to enjoy an evening with a lingerie model. Then Martin and Eddie show up. Then Daphne shows up. Then Niles shows up. This ends with Frasier standing over a prone Martin, yelling about how he's being a wuss just as his date finally arrives, takes a long look at what's going on and leaves again. Frasier's response is to stagger over to his table, pick up the wine he'd been specially saving for the night, take a drink, take one last look around his soon to be ex-bachelor pad, and then he allows Daphne and Niles to put Martin on his sofa.

604: Hot Ticket

Daphne's picture is in the paper in the "It's Your Seattle" column... although her back is to the camera and her skirt has been blown up by the wind. She shrugs it off and says she will be sending a copy to her family.
Daphne: So I'm bending down and me knickers are showing a bit, but my family will still be proud as peacocks when they see that: "Daphne Moon's Seattle."
Frasier: [exchanging a smirk with Martin] She certainly does.
While standing in line for last-minute theatre tickets, Frasier and Niles run into Roz and her dentist date, Rob, who reveals that Niles has been bleaching his teeth. Then, when they try to steal Daphne's letter, she snaps at them for apparently rummaging through her stuff.
Daphne: You just wanted to find out if I was gossiping about you to my mum. Well, fine! I was! A seventy-three year old woman from Manchester is about to learn you dye the grey out of your temples. There, ya happy?
Frasier: (as Niles looks smug) No, I am not happy, I am mortified! How did you know that!? I keep my hair dye in the false bottom of my cufflink box!
Daphne: (suddenly embarrassed) Well... I'll let it go this time. (beats a hasty retreat)

605: First, Do No Harm

Frasier isn't the only one whose career between stints at KACL is filled with job interview disasters:
Roz: [having just dozed off across the table from Frasier due to Alice keeping her awake all night] I have got to wake up. I'm on my way to an interview, I mean, I'd kill for a cup of regular coffee, but I'm still nursing so I can't. You know, it was all I could do just to, to get myself dressed and feed the baby this morning!
Frasier: Yes, well, next time maybe you should try feeding first and dressing second. [points to a large stain on her blouse]
Roz: [looks at the stain] Oh my GOD!
Frasier: Yes, yes...
Roz: How did I miss this!? [tries dabbing it with a paper napkin]
Frasier: Well... on the plus side, it does divert the eyes from the blueberries in your teeth.
Roz: WHAT!? [covers her mouth, then tries rubbing the blueberries off her teeth with the napkin] I can't go to this interview like this!
Frasier: Of course you can.
Roz: Oh, I'm just gonna call and cancel... [gets up and grabs her handbag]
Frasier: No, no, no, Roz, no, please, just... check your teeth, yes, put your jacket on, [she does so] and you'll look every inch the smart career gal on the go!
Roz: [as Martin enters the café behind her] Thanks, Frasier.
Frasier: Yes.
Martin: Hey, Roz! [glances at the floor] Is that the newest thing, wearing two different shoes?
Roz: [looks at her feet] Oh my GOD! [rushes out]
This exchange in the middle of a crowded coffee shop. Too Much Information at its finest:
Frasier: You know, you're jealous! You're jealous that I'm having sex. Jealous that I'm having hot, passionate, sweaty jungle sex. What are you having?
[he doesn't notice the waitress behind him]
Niles: I'm having a latte.

606: Secret Admirer

Niles finds out that the gifts Frasier had been getting had been intended for him and not Frasier, and were from Maris. Frasier, who has just been talking to an ex-girlfriend whom he thought was sending him the gifts, has a wonderful bit of Comically Missing the Point when informed.
Frasier: Well, that was fun! Had a little catching up to do, but it turns out she wasn't the woman sending the gifts.
Martin: Yeah, we know, the gifts are from Maris.
Frasier: Maris... is my secret admirer?!
Just as Frasier is meeting his date for the night, Daphne and Martin start bickering Like an Old Married Couple.
Niles's recounting of what happened when he confronted Maris about her attempts to bribe him back to her.
Niles: She just stood there with a blank stare on her face, rubbing her ocelot.
(sheer look of "what the hell" on Frasier's face)
Martin: You know, they've got a cream for that.
Niles finds what he believes is another gift box on the doorstep and asks a rhetorical question about his ex-wife:
Niles: What is wrong with that woman?
Martin: Why don't you start, Frasier? I'll jump in when you get hoarse.
Then Niles gets a potent threat from Maris ("Roses are red, your heart is fickle. When I'm through with you... all you'll have left is this nickel."), leading to this exchange:
Niles: (despairing) Oh, Frasier, why did I go over there? Why didn't I listen to you?
Frasier: Why didn't I listen to you? If I had, I'd be sitting with Nancy right now, sipping wine in front of the fire.
Niles: I'll be stripped clean and devoured like an animal.
Frasier: And I won't be.

607: How to Bury a Millionaire

At the beginning of the episode, Frasier and Martin are driving around looking for somewhere to eat, when they see Niles pass them in a hatchback. On realizing they've seen him, he guns it. Frasier uses his carphone to call him, and Niles swears up and down it's not him, even as Frasier can hear his own horn honking. Then Niles sees a Bentley-driving acquaintance who judges people by the cars they drive, slams on the brakes, and ducks his head below the dashboard.
Niles: Dad, come quickly. I need your help!
Martin: Oh my God, what is it?!
Niles: I need you to get up here and pretend this is your car!
The runner of Martin trying to find some aspirin in Niles's apartment, then getting lost trying to find his way back.
Niles' guided tour of his new apartment in the Shangri-La by Frank the building super (played by Whose Line Is It Anyway? UK regular Mike McShane) is disturbing, especially the 'master bedroom' and the heavy hints as to what became of its last tenant.
Niles: This Gary certainly seems to have left in a hurry. Did he leave no forwarding address?
Frank: (cagey) He left a note, but, uh... (somber) Nooooo... no address.
Frasier is initially, if reluctantly, accepting that pushing Niles into staying at the Shangri-La was the right thing to do. Until Martin hears about it.
Martin: You got him in the Shangri-La? That's where Duke stayed after his divorce. Oh, let me tell ya', that's my kinda place!
Frasier: What have I done?!
Going to see Niles, they find him acting casual... in a Hawaiian shirt, trying to sit casually in a lounge chair. But the façade only lasts so long.
Martin: I'd be happy here - this is my kinda place.
(Beat, as Niles stares in horror)
Niles: [wailing] GET ME OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE!

608: The Seal Who Came to Dinner

The entire second half of the episode deals with Frasier and Niles trying to dispose of a dead seal, while making sure no-one at Niles's party, taking place at Maris's beach house, notices.
The end result: As a mix of a nosy neighbour of Maris's, an untimely arrival of cops and sheer bad circumstances, such as Niles being found obsessively cleaning a bloody knife, Niles and Frasier are arrested on suspicion of murdering Maris and dumping her body in the ocean. Even Frasier doesn't believe Niles's protests.
Niles: My wife's in Antwerp having her elbows done!
Frasier: Oh, come off it Niles, even I don't believe that!

609: Roz, a Loan

After Frasier grumbles about the situation with loaning Roz money, Daphne suddenly lets loose with a long rant at Frasier for being stingy, then having to make a massive Verbal Backspace when called on it.
Daphne: Excuse me, not to interrupt, but six months ago you borrowed forty dollars from me. We were at the wine shop, remember? You couldn't quite scrape together enough for a bottle of your precious Chateau Mr. Fussy-Pants? So I lent you the money. (increasingly angry) And have I said a peep about it since? No! I just sit here quietly reusing my tea bags while you trundle off to your private clubs ordering gourmet this and imported that! "Are the cigars Cuban?" "Are the Tulips Dutch?" "Oh, good news: my personal shopper just found a dozen antique pudding plates." Who has twelve people over for pudding?! So you gave poor Roz a bit of money! It hasn't changed your life, has it, you sherry-swilling, foie gras-munching hypocrite?!
(Long pause.)
Frasier: (unoffended) Daphne? I did repay you.
Daphne: What?
Frasier: I paid for that parking ticket. Fifty dollars as I recall. It means you owe me ten.
Daphne: (sheepish) Oh, right. Well, I'm glad you said something. It's not good to let these things fester.
The ending has Roz defiantly telling Frasier off, and cutting him a check repaying him completely. After he leaves, she asks Bulldog for a loan — she wrote a bad check.

610: Merry Christmas, Mrs. Moskowitz

The episode features a classic "Fawlty Towers" Plot in which Frasier is dating Faye, whose mother is a typical Jewish My Beloved Smother. This leads to Frasier pretending he and his family are Jewish, too — which is hard when Niles is as WASP-y as they come.
- For example:
  Helen: Thank you. Who has a nice toast? Niles?
  Niles: Oh, all right. L'chaim! Mazel tov! Next year in Jerusalem!
  Frasier: (sotto voce) Take it down a notch, Tevye.
- Later:
  Frasier: Niles, why don't you see if you can go help Dad in the kitchen?
  Niles: Oh all right, but he'll probably just kvetch at me and frankly I don't need that tsuris.
Niles's earnest attempts to help Frasier out in his lie.
Niles: (looking in the oven) Ooh, ham.
- Niles turns Frasier's regular wine into Jewish wine with a couple of spoonfuls of sugar.
  Frasier: (tasting the wine) Ugh, it's dreadful!
  Niles: Perfect.
- When Martin arrives, Niles explains to him that "being Jewish" just involves answering questions with more questions, then demonstrates:
  Martin: Like what?
  Niles: What, I have to explain everything?
  Martin: Can't you give me an example?
  Niles: What, I should give you an example?
  Martin: Are you gonna help me or not?
  Niles: You're saying I'm not being helpful?
  Martin: Oh, forget it!
The B plot has Niles filling in for Daphne's Christmas pageant.
Niles: Who dropped out?
Daphne: Mr. Blanchett.
Niles: Oy.
Things come to a head when Niles has to play Jesus in the play, and at the climax appears before Helen mid-nasal spray:
Niles: I'll let you all sort this out, I really have to go.
Helen: (deadpan) I understand, this is your busy time.
Then comes the Truth-Telling Session between Faye and Helen — it leads to them screaming they hate each other, GASPing, then reaffirming their love. However, when Frasier and Martin try it, it doesn't work.
Frasier: (sobbing) Oh God, I feel terrible!
Martin: (sobbing) So do I. They were hugging by now!
Frasier: (sobbing) We never should have tried this... (wailing) WE'RE NOT JEWISH!
When Martin comes in from his room to see Faye and her mother there, he starts in with classic Jewish Complaining, and he hasn't even been told of Frasier's ploy yet.
Martin: Oh, great, would it be a crime for someone to tell me we have guests here? Hi, I'm Marty Crane, I'm Frasier's dad, although you'd never guess it from the way I'm treated like a second-class citizen around here - but, as long as Frasier's happy, why should my feelings matter?

611: Good Samaritan

Frasier returns a lost wallet he finds just as the person the wallet belongs to comes in, and when the guy looks through the wallet, this happens:
Guy: What happened to my cash?
Frasier: Well, I don't know. It was empty when I found it.
Guy: Yeah, right! I had seven bucks in here!
Frasier: Well, I'm sure some lucky thief is off enjoying a matinee and a small soda!
Frasier, hosting the late night version of his show, dealing with a man who thinks his radio is talking to him.
Stephen: People are talking to me, through my radio.
Frasier: Why do you think that?
Stephen: There it is again.
Frasier: Turn your radio down.
Stephen: Now it's giving me orders!
Frasier: Stephen, turn your radio down.
Stephen: It knows my name!
Frasier: … Stephen, listen to me: this is your radio talking. I am a very smart radio, and I care about you. Now I want you to turn me off, go to bed, and seek counselling in the morning.
Stephen: Okay. Sorry, doc, can't talk.
Frasier gets arrested for soliciting a prostitute (for context, Frasier didn't know she was a prostitute; he saw her standing outside in the rain and assumed she just needed a ride home) while Freddie is visiting, and feels he has to explain the situation.
Frasier: For the next couple of days, you're going to hear some rather nasty stories and some snide jokes about your old man.
Freddie: Mom's coming?
Frasier noting he has to break the news gently to Freddie after seeing the morning newspaper talking about him.
Frasier: God... how can I possibly explain it to him? Well, I guess the key is not to be evasive. He's gonna hear about it sooner or later. (as Freddie enters the room) I guess it should be from me, I am a trained psychiatrist, I can tell him in a way that won't traumatise him. (sees Freddie about to touch the newspaper) FREDERICK, DON'T TOUCH THAT!

612: Our Parents, Ourselves

The episode opens with Frasier fielding a call from married couple Sophie and Larry (real life married couple Marlo Thomas and Phil Donahue); Sophie is bristling at not being allowed to have friends over during Larry's Super Bowl party, and while Frasier sides with Sophie, Larry says he will only agree if Frasier can prove he knows something about football. Thankfully, Roz is able to help him bluff his way to answering Larry's question:
Larry: You're down by six, you're on your own 40, three seconds left, what do you do!?
Frasier: Well, all right, you would... [notices Roz holding up two phone receivers and gesturing with them] You would... [gets it] take your receivers. [Roz mimes putting the receivers in a queue] And line them up. [Roz mimes throwing a football] And then throw a pass! [Roz repeats the gesture, but more so] A long, long pass.
Larry: Yeah, and what's the name for that?
[Roz gets out of her chair, kneels, makes the sign of the Cross, and mimes praying with an innocent look on her face]
Frasier: A Hail Mary. [Roz gives him a double thumbs up] Sophie and Larry, I hope you enjoy the game. In the meanwhile, this is Coach Crane saying, "I'm listening." [grins triumphantly, presses a button on his console, and removes his headphones]
Roz: [entering the booth] I'm impressed you're so good at charades!
Frasier: I'm impressed you could mime a virgin!
Meeting Bonnie at Martin's usual haunt reveals a bit too much about which kid is his favorite:
Bonnie: (to Frasier) Your dad is so proud of you.
Frasier: (equal parts embarrassed and pleased) Oh, Dad.
Bonnie: He talks about you all the time. (seeing Niles.) Who's your friend?
(Niles stares at Martin)
Martin: Now what's wrong with you, I told you about my other son.
Bonnie: Of course, what was I thinking? Nice to meet you, Eddie.
Frasier sets up Martin with Roz's mom, thinking his clearly telegraphed excuses to ditch them have worked, when they haven't. When the date ends, Martin returns home and makes clear his feelings once Roz's mom is gone - "It stunk."
Martin: Frasier, you're my son and I love ya, but if you do something like this again, I'll kill you in your sleep.
Unfortunately, Frasier's too chicken to make mention of this to Roz, ending in Roz's mom coming over on the day of the Super Bowl. Niles isn't too taken with this.
Niles: I don't believe this.
Frasier: I'm sorry, Niles.
Niles: I have to watch the Super Bowl?

613: The Show Where Woody Comes Back

Frasier, reaching the end of his rope with Woody, dealing with an unsympathetic Niles.
Frasier: Do you have any idea how difficult it is to listen to the same story day after day?
Niles: And you call yourself a psychiatrist. You wouldn't last a week in private practice.
Frasier's forced grin when he realizes he's wound up on a karaoke night with Noel and Gil.
Daphne's drunken singing, despite Martin trying to get her to stop. She finally does when Frasier barks at her.
Trying to celebrate Woody's departure, Frasier suggests splurging on a night on the town.
Niles: Hey, big spender.
(Frasier cringes in horror)
Niles: Is something wrong?
Frasier: The last time I heard that phrase, Gil was belting it out while sitting on the lap of a Japanese businessman.

614: Three Valentines

Niles' vignette, "A Valentine for Niles." Comparisons to Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin are not unwarranted. It was billed as "The funniest five minutes on television" in the ads. They're right. The only sound is the soundtrack (two pieces by Mozart; the finale of Symphony No.40, and the overture to The Marriage of Figaro), and it is perfect. It all starts with Niles noticing the crease in one of his trouser legs is crooked, and ends with Niles unconscious and trouserless in the doorway of Frasier's apartment, the living room and dining room covered with fire extinguisher foam, and Eddie eating the remains of Niles' dinner off the still-smouldering couch where it landed. Eddie's reactions to the chaos unfolding in front of him only add to the hilarity.

615: To Tell the Truth

The episode opens with Roz reluctant to show Frasier some baby photos of Alice because of an unfortunate bout of baby eczema:
Frasier: Oh. Well, don't worry about that. That sort of thing is bound to clear up. [looks at next picture] ... or spread.
- Niles arrives before Roz can hide the pictures:
  Niles: Ooh, baby pictures!
  Roz: Oh, I really don't want anyone to look at those!
  Niles: [Already looking] Well, I don't know why not. Botticelli himself couldn't have painted a more perfect angel.
  Roz: [Touched] Thank you, Niles! She is precious, isn't she?
  [She gazes lovingly at the photo; while she's distracted Niles shoots a digusted grimace at Frasier]
  Frasier: [Mouthing] I know!
- And then, after the conversation has turned to Niles' legal issues:
  Niles: Yes, last night I was in such a state I almost wished I had a piano to crawl under.
  Roz: What?
  Niles: Oh, uh, it's a habit I developed as a child to combat anxiety. There's something about the safe, dark, protective environment that seemed comforting to me.
  Frasier: Yes, the week before his first Little League trial, he practically lived under there.
  Roz: Well, we all did weird stuff when we were kids.
  [While Niles is distracted, Roz shoots a worried look at Frasier]
  Frasier: [Mouthing in the exact same way as before] I know!
Niles' previous lawyers were bilking him so badly Niles was reduced to bologna sandwiches and fruit cocktail for lunch.
Frasier: Do you have any idea what they’re having for lunch??
Niles: (sheepishly) I don't know. They don't itemize. They just bill me for the total.
Donny apparently studied law at the University of Las Vegas. Niles quips, "No trouble finding tassels for those mortar boards."
Donny comes out in sweatpants, pulls them down, only revealing his boxers, to Niles and Frasier's discomfort.
Donny: Niles, what you need is a guy like me representing you. What you're in here is a street fight, and you got to know who's covering your back. So, what I guarantee you is this — (puts on a towel, then pulls off his boxers; Frasier and Niles again cringe) — You will never see me unprepared, you will never see me intimidated, and you will never, ever see me throw in the towel! You understand?
Frasier: Let's certainly hope not.
- Niles tells Frasier he's reluctant to have Danny:
  Niles: I can't possibly let this man represent me. I'll be humiliated!
  Frasier: Niles, you have got to hear this man out. I'm sorry, this is exactly what you want in a lawyer: someone who's not afraid to show a little moxie!
  Niles: Oh, he's an inch away from showing us The Full Moxie!
- After Donny's been hired, his secretary dryly points out he has mustard on his face.
  Donny: Oh, oh, jeez, was that there the whole time? That's so embarrassing! (he pulls up his towel and gives Frasier and Niles "the full moxie"; they react accordingly.)
Frasier can't help but give long-winded answers to Donny's practice questions for court.
Frasier: And indeed, I had high hopes for Niles and Maris, as is witnessed by my wedding toast, in which I combined my heartfelt sentiments with apt quotations from Shakespeare, jazz great Louis Armstrong, and the poet Catullus.
Donny: And so your answer would be, "Yes, I attended their wedding." Once again, Frasier, could you try to keep your answers brief?
Frasier: Well, I-
Martin: Trust me, he did.
Among the increasingly desperate ploys by Maris' lawyers is allegation that Niles has been frivolous with money. The Crane brothers waste no time calling out the hypocrisy of this claim.
Niles: Do you recall what she used to do when one of our dogs needed a shampoo?!
Frasier: Yes, she'd fill the bathtub with Evian.
Niles: Half the time she'd just get a new dog!
One of Donny's test questions is asking if anyone can recall a moment where Maris acted irrational or unstable. Everyone bursts into laughter over that one.
But disaster seems to loom when, in a Call-Back to Season 3's "Moon Dance", Maris' lawyers use Niles and Daphne's night on the dance floor to claim that Niles has been in love with Daphne for years. Daphne finds the idea absurd, while Donny is confident that for once, Frasier's compulsive truth-telling will be an asset. As soon as Donny leaves with Daphne to coach her for her deposition, Niles despairs:
Niles: Well, that's it. It's over. It's over and I've lost. Maris has won. Maris always wins.
Martin: Niles-
Niles: Niles never wins! Niles always loses! That why Niles lives in the Shangri-La and drives a HATCHBACK!
Martin confronts Frasier over the possibility that he will blow Niles' secret, leaving him financially and emotionally destroyed, simply because he refuses to lie under oath. He finds a creative way to establish if Frasier would ever consider perjuring himself:
Frasier: Dad, we are talking about perjury! When is that ever acceptable!?
Martin: Oh, you want an example? Fine! Um... let's say, uh, what if there was a comet hurtling towards the Earth-
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake! [shakes his head in disgust]
Martin: And you were the only person who could save the Earth, but the only way you could do it is by lying under oath. Would you do it then?
Frasier: [looks at Martin in disbelief] Who am I lying to, the comet?!
Martin: Just answer the question!
Frasier: All right, I suppose in certain extreme cases-
Martin: So, then, you'd lie.
Frasier: [impatiently] To save mankind from a talking comet, yes!
Guess where Niles ends up as a result of all this:
Frasier: The piano, Niles! Please, please, just come out from under there. Things are not that bad.
Niles: [Who has, you guessed it, crawled under Frasier's piano] Not that bad?! Daphne is going to find out about this!
Martin: Not if you crawl out before she gets home. [Gets a Dude, Not Funny! look from Niles]
Frasier: Niles, please, come out here. Now, come on.
Niles: Why should I? There's nothing for me out there. It's all lawyers and ex-wives and broken hearts. All I have to contend with under here is a couple of dust bunnies... some cobwebs... some kind of a nest. Dear God, doesn't your vacuum come with any attachments?
The blow-up ends with Frasier storming out to get away from Martin's condemnation, and Martin nastily sneering to Niles about how Frasier's too weak to withstand confrontation and how "some of us can deal with a tough situation head on and others just need some kind of escape"... while Niles is cowering under the piano and Martin is pouring himself a stiff drink.
Before Frasier's deposition, Donny says he wants a private word with Niles, and asks why he hasn't been honest with him. Niles assumes he's talking about his love for Daphne - but Donny has discovered something even Niles never knew. It turns out, contrary to her claims, Maris' family fortune didn't come from timber. It came from urinal cakes.
Niles: She's managed to have her urinal cake and eat it too! (flashes Donny a faux "oh, snap!" grimace)
Maris is on Day 6 of a week long vow of silence with her guru. She changes her tune quickly when she finds out Niles and Donny have "flushed out" her family secret.
Niles: (over the phone) Hellooooo, Maris! (grins ear to ear and puts his feet up on Donny's desk)

617: The Dinner Party

For starters, most of the writers of the show deem this episode their favorite, not only because it's hilarious but it examines the very nature of Frasier and Niles' relationship.
- First, the brothers try to set a date to throw a joint dinner party.
  Niles: Oh, what about the 11th?
  Frasier: No, concert tickets.
  Niles: I don't have that marked.
  Frasier: Yes, I'm taking a date.
  Niles: Well, isn't that nice. [writes in his diary] 11th, "Expect desperate last-minute call from F."
- The brothers agree they can each black ball three guests they don't want at the party, and use three nuts each from the nut tray. After Frasier blackballs Niles' first two choices, assuring us that "we don't question the blackball" once it's thrown, Niles cooks up a gambit to get Frasier to use up his last blackball by suggesting a couple known to them as "The Drunken Duncans". It backfires when Frasier cheerfully pretends to accept the Duncans, forcing Niles to use a blackball on his own pick.
- When Frasier throws in a fourth ball, Niles catches on and reaches into the bowl.
  Niles: This is a dried-up old fig!
  Frasier: So is Lucy Cromwell, I don't want her at my party.
- Frasier's call to "The Drunken Duncans":
  Frasier: I better phone the Duncans, hope we can catch them before "Happy Hour"! (calls) Hello, Nina. (aside to Niles) Too late! (to Nina) Frasier Crane calling. Listen, Niles and I are having the Ashbys over and a few other people for a dinner and we were hoping that you could join us on the 11th... Don't cry, Nina, please. Yes, well, I've always loved you too.
- They call the Walburts to invite them, but when Mrs. Walburt doesn't hang up properly they overhear her saying it doesn't matter which "Dr. Crane" invited them, "you get the one you get that other one. Personally I think the whole thing is a little..."
  - At first, Niles tries to pass it off as a compliment.
    Frasier: Oh? Is there a good end to that sentence?! "Personally, I think the whole thing is a little charming"?!
  - Cue the pair arguing over who's "the one" and who's "that other one".
    Frasier: Perhaps she has a point. Ever since your divorce you have become more and more attached to me. Maybe that's why she said what she said.
    Niles: What?
    Frasier: You get Frasier, you get that Niles!
    Niles: She didn't say that. She said "you get the one, you get that other one." What makes you think that you're the one and I'm that other one?!
    Frasier: I am the one giving the party, and you are that other one!
    Niles: I'm the one that invited her, so that makes you that other one!
    later, after some more arguing
    Niles: This is absurd! Why don't we just call Allison up and ask her what she thinks is so strange about us? We can both get her on an extension.
    Frasier: Great idea, Niles! Better yet, why don't we just get on a bicycle built for two, ride over there and ask her what she thinks is so strange about us!
  - It culminates in this:
    Niles: Why is Joaquin on such a strict diet?
    Frasier: Because the Joaquin they're bringing to dinner is... their foster child! From a tiny village on the Pampas. He speaks no English and he gets nauseated when he eats American food!
    Niles: So, he's not the conductor of the Buenos Aires Philharmonic?
    Frasier: (beat) Oh, you are SO "that other one"!
  - They ask Martin:
    Frasier: Dad, do you think we're odd?
    (Beat)
    Martin: No, you're not odd. You're just "special". Your mother told me that when you were kids and I still believe it.
- This also sets up The Tag when Martin tells the two about two eccentric brothers who shared a New York apartment and built a maze out of newspapers that one got lost in and died. After bidding farewell to Niles, Frasier takes a stack of newspapers out for recycling.
- Frasier summing up their condition when their favorite guests have to cancel.
  Niles: So where does that leave us?
  Frasier: Well, let's see... we have a third-rate caterer with a record, a couple of lushes, a couple who think we're both nutcases, an Argentine wild child and Roz! (throws down list) Dinner is served!
- The party plans become such a disaster that Niles has no choice but to black ball himself.
  Niles: (panicking) I've only got one black ball left.
  Frasier: At this point, one black ball's not going to make a difference.
  Niles: Yes it will, I'm using it on myself!
The B-story features Daphne and Roz going to a British Consulate ball. A stain on one of the dresses forces them to deal with who will wear the elegant Little Black Dress and who will wear the more... suggestive dress. Predictably, guess who wears the latter dress?
Daphne: Doesn't she look beautiful!
Roz: (extremely annoyed) Oh, shut it, Daphne! I know you think I look like a hooker.
Daphne: No, I said it made me look like a hooker. On you... well, it works!

618: Taps at the Montana

With his divorce settlement having stabilised his finances, Niles prepares to move back into his luxury apartment at the Montana... only to discover the man whom Frasier arranged to take over the lease in Niles' absence, Dr. MacLowery, has driven the other tenants up the wall with incessant tap-dancing, and tenants' board chairman Mr. Probst announces that they are considering voting to evict him. Frasier thus organises a soirée on Niles' behalf, with Daphne and a reluctant Roz assisting in the kitchen, while Martin plays... another role:
Martin: What am I, the dishwasher?
Frasier: No, no, no, Dad, you were invited because - well, it just wouldn't be a party without you.
Niles: That's right. [Martin's expression makes it clear he isn't buying a word of it]
Frasier: Although... there may be a few women here who are unattached who might just take a shine to an old... debonair dog like yourself!
Martin: [deadpan] I'm just a piece of meat to you guys, aren't I.
Shortly thereafter, we get a bit of Foreshadowing regarding one of the episode's main plot points:
Daphne: Oh! [fishes something out of her cleavage] There goes that damned loose earring again. [puts it back in her earlobe] Thank goodness it didn't fall into the punch bowl. We don't want someone choking on it.
Frasier: Yes, although nothing says "party" like a tracheostomy.
Out of embarrassment at living in the Shangri-La, Niles has lied to the other Montana residents that he was on a lecture tour of Africa. His jokes about the fictional tour fall so flat, he could use them as rugs:
Mrs. Larkin: You must tell us all about your African tour, Dr. Crane.
Mr. Larkin: [derisively] Yes, did the local people actually enjoy your lectures?
Niles: Well yes, quite a bit... uh... except of course for the pygmies. Most of it went right over their heads. [he laughs, no-one else does; the doorbell rings] I'll get it. [he opens the door to reveal more guests] Oh, the rest of the board, pleased to see you! Come in! [the new arrivals exchange pleasantries with the guests already present]
Mrs. Latimer: Dr. Crane... while you were on the subcontinent did you happen to spot any rare African water fowl?
Niles: Just one, but it was already spotted! [more awkward silence] I'll get it. [heads for the kitchen]
Niles's cockatoo has an amazing gift for latching onto the wrong dialogue.
Cockatoo: AWK! Bite me, Niles.
Niles: Right back at you.
[...]
Cockatoo: AWK! Stuff it, Niles.
Niles: Ohhhhh... don't tempt me.
Roz confronts Niles over the guests' behaviour:
Roz: Do you see that obnoxious old lecher!?
Niles: Well... you're going to have to be a lot more specific.
The next time we see the cockatoo, she is lying dead on the kitchen table, so Frasier and Daphne cover her with a dish towel before breaking the news to Niles.
Niles: Will somebody tell me what happened?
Frasier: I'm gonna let Daphne tell you! [bolts into the living room to recover the potentially tainted food]
Niles: [edgily] What is it?...
Daphne: I don't mean to alarm you, but... there's something wrong with the hors d'oeuvres.
Niles: What? How do you know?
Daphne: A little bird told me.
[later, Niles is attempting to perform avian CPR, to no avail]
Niles: Did you see how it happened? Anything?
Daphne: Well, I did hear her last words, but... I don't think they'd be of much comfort to you.
Mrs. Larkin enters, having spilled punch on her blouse, and reaches for the towel covering Baby's body. Daphne quickly pushes the towel down and says she should use something much better, as Niles hands her... a piece of bread. She goes along with it, describing bread as "nature's sponge", but the look she exchanges with Niles afterward is hysterical.
It turns out Daphne's earring fell off again, and Baby tried to eat it and choked to death on it. Unfortunately, Frasier has already thrown away the hors d'oeuvres - well, most of them, anyway:
Niles: Oh! That means we don't have to destroy the hors d'oeuvres! Frasier! Frasier! Stop! Are there any left?
Frasier: [picks up the silver tray he was just emptying into the bin] Yes, we're in luck. This... intrepid little crab puff has survived. All I need is a very sharp knife and sixteen toothpicks!
At the end of the episode, Roz needs a stiff drink after the night's events, and Frasier tells her Niles has a bottle of vodka in the freezer... unaware Daphne has left Baby's corpse in the door. Meanwhile, Niles is reassuring the tenancy board he'll keep quiet from now on. Cue Roz screaming from the other room.
Roz: Oh, my GOD!
Niles: Good night.

619: IQ

Another of Daphne's stories about her weird brothers and her childhood. This time, the "Toe Fairy", helped by Martin's being increasingly freaked out.
Daphne: (on her brothers' competitiveness) They'd take little brother Michael, put him in a potato sack and see who could roll him the farthest over the frozen lake out back. They loved that game! Until the year the spring thaw set in early and poor Michael went right through the ice. Ooh, they caught hell for that one, they did. Caught it worse a week later when Michael's toe finally fell off. Michael cried and cried until they told him to put it under his pillow for the toe fairy! And then he got five quid for it, why, it was all they could do to stop him sawing off the rest of them. (laughs)
Martin: (on edge, screaming to the boys) What's keeping you guys with that box?
Frasier and Niles have won a lunch with three Nobel laureates in a charity auction, but Frasier is left feeling insecure about his intellect after he and Niles finally look at their childhood IQ test results - and Niles scored 27 points higher than Frasier (whereas their mother had always told them the gap was two points and never specified whose score was higher). After shooing Niles out of his apartment, Frasier speeds off to the library for a cram session in the scientific journal archives, but when he meets Niles for lunch with the laureates the next day, he discovers that Niles also spent the night at the library. The hilarity of the scene starts with Frasier twitching uncontrollably after drinking endless cups of coffee the previous night, while Niles is sneezing and scratching his ear after his library session caused a flare-up of his parchment mite allergy.
- Niles has already taken two antihistamine tablets, but is still sneezing, so he takes another two tablets... only to sneeze them back into his hand before he swallows them. He thinks for a moment, then downs them again anyway. The second dose sends his brain into the stratosphere without him:
  Frasier: Niles, why don't you just go home and go to bed!?
  Niles: [struggling to put the cap back on his antihistamine bottle] Well, that is exactly what you'd like for me to be happening.
  Frasier: [confused] What did you just say?
  Niles: Well... if you didn't repeat it the first time, I'm not gonna listen to it. [continues trying to line up the bottle and the lid]
  Frasier: [absorbs this] Niles, Niles, that medication, it's- it's affecting your speech! [points at the bottle; he doesn't notice his hand start shaking] You've just taken a second dose of it, for God's sakes, you're gonna make a fool out of yourself!
  Niles: [high-pitched] Well, you should talk, look at your shaky hands and your twitchy eyes, [gasps] you were up all night drinking coffee all night last night, weren't you?
  Frasier: [overlapping with the last part of Niles' sentence] No- I am not- I was not- I am not twitching, you will not psyche me into twitching! [his eye starts twitching more and more]
  Waiter: [walks over and fills Frasier's water glass] Gentlemen! May I offer you a... [trails off as he notices Frasier's eye twitching] Sir, is your eye bothering you?
  Frasier: No! No, it's fine. [his eye continues to twitch]
  Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
  Frasier: No, thank you- oh, well, yes, some coffee. Decaf!
  Niles: [scratching his ear like a dog] I'd like a cup of... tea sounds nice.
  Waiter: [clearly not sure what to make of the brothers' behaviour] ... very good. [leaves]
- Both brothers' mental states continue to deteriorate, Niles' much more quickly than Frasier's:
  Frasier: You know what, Niles, you really should leave, you're embarrassing yourself. [he tries to take a drink from his glass, but his hand is shaking so violently that he spills it all over himself; he quickly puts it down again] For God's sakes! [frantically wipes up the spilled water with a napkin]
  Niles: [shaking his head] I'm never leaving while you're still... not leaving. You... know you had the good bed.
  Frasier: [confused] Well, now you're just hallucinating!
  Niles: No, when we moved to Wallace Lane! And we shared a room and you got to pick where you would be... having your... sleeping. [sniffs, then leans toward Frasier and puts his elbow in a plate of butter intended for bread rolls]
  Frasier: [even more confused] Niles, the beds were identical! Oh, why am I even bothering explaining this to a man who has his elbow in the butter!?
  Niles: [looks at his other elbow, which is on the back of his chair, then grins triumphantly] Well, who's hallucinationing now?
  Frasier: Niles, have you ever taken these pills before?
  Niles: No, but they've fixed my nose! [bats his ear furiously; Frasier groans] You know, I just wish they wouldn't make me so hyper! [slumps onto the table, knocking over Frasier's water glass]
  Frasier: Oh, good lord! Oh, for God's sakes, you've spilled water all over me, you jackass! [hurriedly wipes his jacket and trousers down with his napkin, but it is now soaking wet] Just give me another napkin!
  Niles: Ooh, napkin. Hello, napkin! [picks up another napkin and begins idly swinging it around] Napkin, napkin...
  Frasier: [trying to grab the napkin out of Niles' hand] Give - give - give me that! [finally grabs the napkin and wipes himself down as Niles seems to fade from consciousness] Oh, Niles, wake up, wake up!
- Naturally, the three laureates arrive just as the brothers hit rock bottom; Frasier stands up to greet them and discovers the hard way that he has accidentally tucked the tablecloth into the front of his trousers while wiping up the spilled water, and he drags the entire contents of the table - including Niles - onto the floor. For his part, Niles, upon being introduced by Frasier, sneezes into his hand, then extends it up from where he has fallen to shake the laureates' hands (they understandably decline).
- Later that evening, Frasier reveals that the spectacle didn't end there; after the abortive lunch with the laureates, Niles did $1,000 in damage by knocking over the aquarium on his way out, leaving Frasier with a mental image of his brother sprawled across a bed of live koi and weeping as he tried to perform CPR on the plastic diver - an image that he says he will re-visit whenever he feels insecure about Niles' supposedly superior intellect.

620: Dr. Nora

Frasier hires another radio psychiatrist for the station based on her blatant flattery. Things take a turn for the worse during her first show, during which she proves to be a Holier Than Thou Slut Shamer, provoking a round of tit-for-tat with Frasier. Meanwhile, throughout the episode, Niles is trying to grow a mustache. Emphasis heavily on trying. Frasier doesn't notice, and Daphne just thinks he's got schmutz on his face.
Niles: [Dr. Nora] even claimed I was the older brother. Of course, the mustache might have clouded her judgement.
Martin: ... she has a mustache?
Martin approves of Dr. Nora's attitude toward sex. But the old man protests too much.
Martin: In my day sex was something sacred and mysterious. These days you can't turn on the TV without this "oh-oh-ah-ah" stuff.
Frasier: That explains my $90 cable bill this month.
(Martin hides his face behind a magazine)
The difference between where Frasier and Roz declare war. Frasier does it after Dr. Nora acts like a colossal wad... Roz...
Frasier: (storming out) This means war! Right, Roz
Roz: (to Nora's producer) You don't actually buy all this "no sex" stuff of hers, do you?
Nora's producer: Yeah.
Roz: Well, it's war!
Daphne, hearing everyone talk about how Dr. Nora clearly has some issues with her mother, starts dropping some heavy hints that her own relationship with Mother Moon is strained. As in, she starts dreamily recounting scenarios of her mother dying, before cheerily snapping back to reality.
Daphne: Yes, all sorts of things could've happened to a woman her age. A heart attack or a stroke.
Frasier: Exactly.
Daphne: She could be hit by a bus as she's coming out of the pub... (getting caught up in her fantasy) Or fall asleep smoking a cigarette and burn to a crisp right there in her smelly bed! (Frasier and Roz look alarmed) Or she could fall off a ferry, and be pulled down under the water, the roar of the waves drowning out her cries for help, until no-one can hear her shrill voice, not ever again! (back to normal) Well, I'm all done with my darks.
Eventually, Frasier (against the suggestion of Roz who wanted to do something more below the belt) brings in Dr Nora's mother, who despite acting friendly with Frasier, quickly shows her true colors when confronting her daughter...
Mrs. Mulhearne: YOU LITTLE WHORE!!! (Frasier, Roz, Nora and her producer all drop their jaws in shock)
The Stunt Casting makes it even better, since Nora's mother is played by Piper Laurie, an actress whose best-known role involves slut-shaming her daughter.
Mrs. Mulhearne: So, you thought you could get away from me, did you? Thought you could leave me to rot in that dump without barely enough cash for a bottle of Mateus! You'll pay for that, missy!
Roz: (jumping for joy) I was wrong, Frasier. Your way is better!
When Nora runs out of the studio Roz sends Frasier in to cover the Dead Air.
Frasier: I'm sure Dr. Nora's listeners join me in hoping she and her mother can resolve these differences very soon. They're off to a bit of a bumpy start—
(Nora runs past the studio screaming)
Frasier: But at least...the lines of communication are open.
(Nora screams again at the top of her lungs)

623: Shutout in Seattle, Part 1

Niles does not have a good morning, coming over to find Frasier's spent the night with Faye, and Martin's spent the night with Bonnie the waitress, while Donny is sleeping over with Daphne. The end result is Niles collapsing at the breakfast table.
The beginning of the second act has Roz telling Frasier in a moment of desperation that she went out not with Noel, as is first hinted at, but with Bulldog.
Frasier: Bulldog?
Roz: Bulldog.
Bulldog: BULLDOG!
Daphne's attempts to hide the fact she has lost Donny's engagement ring, culminating in her wearing a chicken over one hand.
Frasier: You know, Daphne, if that ring never turns up, that chicken works too. Just see how it catches the light.
- In a heartwarming moment, when Daphne finds the ring and puts in on, Donny exclaims, "Oh, you found the ring!", indicating he knew she lost the ring the whole time and didn't care.
- Frasier finds Daphne's ring and when Faye sees him holding it, she acts as if he intends to propose. A flustered Frasier panics and Faye reveals she was only kidding.
Faye: And, uh, I can't tell you how flattered I am by those beads of sweat on your forehead.
Martin comes home just as Frasier is trying to call a missing Niles, whose cell has been left behind in Frasier's apartment. Cue a back-and-forth as neither Martin or Frasier realize they're speaking to one another.
Martin: (answering Niles' phone) Hello?
Frasier: Yes, hello, is Niles Crane there, please?
Martin: Uh, I don't know, I just got here, uh... lemme go check.
(he puts the phone on the bookshelf and goes through to the kitchen)
Martin: Frasier, have you seen Niles?
Frasier: I'm just trying to reach him, Dad.
Martin: Oh, okay. (he heads back out to the front room) Uh, no, I'm sorry he's not here, but, uh, I'll write your name down and give it to him. (looks about) Uh... Uh, wait a minute, I gotta find a pen. (heads back to the kitchen) Fras, have you see-?
Frasier: Dad, please, I'm on the phone.
Martin: (annoyed) Well, I'm sorry, I was just looking for a pen! Forget it!
(Martin leaves again. Frasier, looking after him, starts to catch on)
Martin: Uh, hello? Listen, um, could you maybe call back in an hour?
Frasier: Dad.
Martin: (childishly imitating Frasier) Would you mind, please, I'm on the phone!
Frasier: Dad, it's me.
Martin: Frasier, what are you doing? (turns the phone off) Why'd you call from the kitchen? You could have just walked in here!
Fearing the worst, that Niles has gone back to Maris, Frasier forces Martin to go with him over to the Montana.
Frasier: For God's sakes, the man is devastated, he is vulnerable. We need to rally around him and show him our support.
Martin: Well, why didn't we just do this on Sunday?
Frasier: We had our girlfriends over!

624: Shutout in Seattle, Part 2

As the second half of the episode opens, Roz reveals her thing with Bulldog's becoming a relationship, when Frasier invites her out to dinner:
Roz: I have plans! Plans! What are you, a cop!? I've got to account for every waking moment?! My private life is my own business!
Frasier (aghast) Bulldog!
Roz: (tearing up) I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm weak, I can't stop myself!
Frasier: Yes, you can, Roz.
Roz: Okay, I don't wanna stop myself. He's good, he's really good. I mean, I'm better, but he's trainable.
Frasier: (horrified) Roz, it's Bulldog. Doesn't that bother you?
Roz: ... you'd think.
To both Frasier and Roz's surprise, Bulldog turns out to be a romantic, even offering to take Roz out to dinner himself (and somewhere that does reservations).
Roz: He's crossed the line, he actually thinks we're dating.
Frasier: Roz, didn't your mother warn you that sex could lead to things like dating?
Frasier finds Daphne's engagement ring - in a very awkward way:
Frasier: I was just undressing to take my bath, when I sat on the edge of the tub and landed... on this. [holds up the ring]
Daphne: [rushes over to Frasier] Oh my God, you found my ring! [hugging him] I'd given up, I thought it was some place I'd never find it!
Frasier: [drily] It very nearly was. [Martin laughs]
- Donny then exclaims when he sees Daphne she found her ring. Daphne asks how he could have possibly known she'd lost it; Donny replies that her constant hiding her hand in things like a turkey sort of clued him in.
Frasier borrowing some of Niles' Totally Radical slang.
Frasier: Do you realise that this is the first time in recent history that all three Crane men have been in happy relationships? Maybe I should be celebrating that fact rather than being such a buzzkill.
Roz: What does that even mean?
Frasier: Oh, plug in, Roz.
Niles dumping Kit the coffee girl in her workplace at Café Nervosa prompts a truly epic breakdown from her.

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