The Crane boys may be milquetoasts, but you can only push them so far before they snap in an awesome way.
Niles vs Gunnar the Bavarian fencing instructor. Errol Flynn is born again!
The maid Marta speaks German, but isn't so hot at English. Frasier isn't so hot at Spanish. Niles has to rely on both of them to accuse Gunnar of trying to steal Maris from him. One swordfight later...
Frasier: He demands an apology! He did not steal your... shoes.
Frasier: Yes. Sorry.
The episode 'High Crane Drifter' has Frasier physically throw a rude customer out of a restaurant (with Frasier declaring "I think what you need is an ETIQUETTE LESSON!"). This in itself is awesome, but then at the end of the episode, the man declares his intent to sue, leading Niles to mock him mercilessly for his cowardice. The man responds by touching Niles' shirt with his finger while warning him to shut up, and Niles reacts as though he's just been shoved incredibly hard, staggering around the cafe and collapsing onto a table. Frasier rushes over to see if he's okay, and what does Niles say? "Counter-suit."
In 'Radio Wars', Frasier is the victim of relentless shock-jock pranks from KACL's new morning show "Carlos and The Chicken". He decides to fight back by making a speech to them deriding their actions, which he gleefully describes as containing quotes from Mencken, Twain, La Rouchefoucauld, etc. Martin warns him that if he does that, they'll never leave him alone, and likens the situation to when Frasier and Niles, as children, used to run around in bowler hats pretending to be John Steed from The Avengers, and thus marked themselves out as targets. Frasier opts to go ahead with the speech anyway, and when Roz gives him the same warning Martin did, he says this:
Frasier: Roz, I don't care. You know what, I think I've realized something: maybe you can't stop bullies from attacking you, but the only way they win is if you let them change who you are! And I'll tell you something, let them do their worst; not matter how hard they try, they will not knock the bowler off this head!
Roz: What does that mean?!
Another episode has Frasier getting sold a painting that turns out to be a forgery. The gallery refuses to take it back, the police aren't interested, so Frasier decides to take matters into his own hands. He gets a brick, and late at night, goes to throw it through the gallery window, when Niles stops him, reminding him of a time in their youth when Frasier stopped him from putting sugar in the gas tank of his Sadist Teacher's car. Frasier gives Niles the brick, impressed by Niles' nobility in not retaliating against his coach, even in spite of all the unpleasant nicknames he was called. Niles, however, didn't know there were nicknames, and throws the brick through the window himself, delivering the beautiful line:
I've struck a blow for justice! Nobody calls me peachfuzz!
Niles finally calling Mel out on all the misery she'd been putting him through.
He's less concerned about his own suffering, and more about Daphne's. The scene is also a brilliant rebuttal to the view espoused by Frasier's new butler in the episode that class is an insurmountable barrier, ultimately leading to said butler deciding to try to rekindle a mutual attraction with an upper class lady from his past.
In the episode "Can't Tell a Crook by His Cover", Daphne beats up a criminal who tries to hit on her, hustles a guy out of at least $200, almost pots 6 pool balls in one shot, and then jams the doors shut with a pool cue, allowing her, Frasier and Niles to escape. She also takes the money that she'd bet on that shot as they run out.
Daphne giving Bebe one of Eddie's "cookies".
Bebe: This cookie tastes like meat!
Daphne Moon: Yes, and it'll remove tartar and give you a nice, shiny coat!
After seeing Diane Chambers' Her Code Name Was Mary Sue play about their relationship, the actor who plays his character-surrogate "Franklin" questions his motivation. Cue Frasier's snap:
IIIIIIIIII...may be able to illuminate that for you! What you're feeling is that this woman has—REACHED into your chest—PLUCKED out your heart, and—THROWN it to her HELLHOUNDS for a CHEW TOY!!! It's not the last time either, because that's what this woman is—SHE IS THE DEVIL! It's no use running away from her, because no matter how far you go—how many years you let pass—you will never be completely out of REACH of THOSE—BONY—FINGERS!!! So drink hearty, Franklin, and laugh! Because you have made a pact—WITH BEELZEBUB!!! AND HER NAME IS MARY ANN!!!(Walks out to wild applause)
As well as afterwards, when Frasier and Diane finally get closure over their long-ago broken relationship.
Frasier driving through the barrier of a parking garage because they tried to charge him $4.00 even though he hadn't parked.
"Something Borrowed, Someone Blue"... period.
Frasier: "It may be that the gulfs will wash us down / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles, / And though we are not now that strength which in old days / Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are / Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will / To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield." I’ve been thinking about that poem a lot lately. And I think what it says is that, while it’s tempting to play it safe, the more we’re willing to risk, the more alive we are. In the end, what we regret most are the chances we never took. And I hope that explains, at least a little, this journey on which I am about to embark. I have loved every minute with my KACL family, and all of you. For eleven years you've heard me say, "I’m listening." Well, you were listening too. And for that I am eternally grateful. Goodnight, Seattle.
Frasier's toast in "And The Dish Ran Away With The Spoon", which was basically a covert Take That at Mel (to all but her, that is)
Frasier: Well, ah... Love...is an awesome force. It can make us do things we never imagined possible. For you see, we don't actually choose love, it chooses us. And once it has, we are powerless to do anything about it. Ladies and gentlemen, raise your glasses with me in toasting my brother... and the love of his life.
She knew exactly who it was about; the toast was for the benefit for everyone who wasn't aware of the complicated secret wedding / Runaway Bride / Niles and Daphne situation that Mel was spitefully forcing Niles to conceal; that's partly what makes it so awesome.
It becomes even more brutal given what occurred directly before the toast. Mel, trying to humiliate Frasier, announces that HE will be toasting her sham marriage with Niles, much to his surprise. So just on the spot, he comes up with the above toast, and in one fell swoop, gets every single friend of Mel's to toast Niles and DAPHNE, and does so in such a manner that she cannot even respond and has to feign happiness about it.
After a long week at work, Frasier is looking forward to a nice evening at home with his family and friends celebrating his father's birthday, only to find them all miserable and at each other's necks. After trying to get everyone to lay their problems aside from the night, he finally steps in and doles out advice, the one thing he'd been hoping to avoid. Once everyone's feeling better, they hear word of another party and are about to step out. And Frasier gives this speech:
Frasier: "Excuse me! Just a second. I think maybe it's time for a little lesson about what it's like to live the life of this particular party pooper. I spend the whole damn week ministering to the troubled and the neurotic and the sometimes just plain goofy. Then I hang up my earphones and it doesn't end there. Out on the street, at the café, even in this building – more people come up for help, more problems. I suppose they just think it's OK, it's what I do. But every time I try to help them it costs me a little piece of myself. A little bit here, a little bit there, a little bit here, a little bit there... until I end up feeling like a zebra carcass on the Serengeti surrounded by burping vultures! Well, this happened to be one of those weeks. I had my escape planned. I was going to come home for an evening of fun with my extended family. What do I get? I get the four of you going at each other like the Borgias on a bad day! So I roll up my sleeves, and I tend to each one of you. And you all feel better. And the minute you get a whiff of mesquite coming from down below, you are out the door without so much as a “thank you.” Well, thank you for the invitation, but I am, frankly, fed up with people and their problems. The Doctor is out."
In "Frasier-Lite", Frasier finds out than one member of the team his own team are competing against is a former childhood bully of his, who once stole a chess set than belonged to him. The bully makes a deal in which if Frasier wins, the bully will buy him a new chess set. If the bully wins, Frasier has to wear a skirt on T.V. As they prepare to shake on the deal, the bully yanks his hand away, yelling "psyche". Once Frasier's team finally win, the bully grudginly asks where he needs to go to get the chess set.
Frasier: Tell them you were sent by Doctor Frasier Crane. (holds out his hand, but yanks it away before the bully can shake it) PSYCH...CHIATRIST!
Martin got one in "Bad Dog", in which, after Frasier spends days trying to expose Bulldog for the fraud he is after accidentally preventing a gunman from harming people, Martin exposes him in a matter of seconds simply by shouting "Hey Bulldog, that man's got a gun!" in front of the crowd of people honoring him for his "heroic act", causing Bulldog to use his own mother as a human shield. The crowd see through what happened before and turn on Bulldog.
Made better by his line: "I'm not a hero, I just wanted you to shut up."
Niles gets one in Season Nine when, upon deciding to marry Daphne, he travels all the way to Manchester and tracks down her father Harry, whom he wants to reconcile with Gertrude. Harry tosses him out five times and Niles marches back in each and every time.
Another contender for Martin's CMOA is at the end of the episode where Niles and Daphne have a spur-of-the-moment isolated wedding, followed by several staged weddings so no one's feelings are hurt for missing the real one, with different people "in" on each layer of deceit. In the end, the truth is revealed that they all missed the real wedding, and everyone bickers about it, except Martin, who says "I just have one question. If you two are already married, why aren't you on your honeymoon?"
Made better by the fact Daphne calls him "Dad" for the first time.
Niles gets a surprising number of these throughout the series, with a very notable one being in the episode "Murder Most Maris". After having killed her boyfriend and been arrested, Maris once again twists Niles into assisting her, much to Daphne's anguish. Having suffered a panic attack at Cafe Nervosa, Niles receives another call from Maris - and Niles finally loses it and solidly rebuffs her ("Of course you're alone, Maris. You're alone because you killed your boyfriend!") before laying it down to her that Daphne comes first. Notable especially because it's the first time Niles stands up to Maris in such a way. This could almost qualify as a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming from Daphne's perspective, come to think of it.
But then he smacks down Daphne, Martin and Frasier in succeeding order. But then, this is arguably deserved considering that they themselves had been about as supportive and useful to him as a hole in the head during that particular week of stress.
Frasier also gets one during Niles' panic attack. Roz calls him and tells him to come quick, as Niles strips naked in a hysterical daze. When Frasier arrives, one might expect him to be furious with Niles, but instead he calmly talks him down and convinces him to get dressed. The whole scene really reminds you what a great psychiatrist he is.
Also, Roz defending Niles from the shocked onlookers:
Barista: I'm calling the cops.
Roz: The hell you are! This man's tips alone could probably pay for all the pot you'll ever smoke! Just back off, cowboy! And that goes for the rest of you too!
When Frasier finds out Niles and Roz were pretending to be on a date to try to break up Daphne and Donnie - and the plan fails miserably - he says to the both of them, "Oh, and by the way" and blows on his duck call as a marvelous Take That.
Niles FINALLY being able to get one over on Maris, when he and Donny discover that her family made their money through urinal cakes rather than through lumber. Niles' "Hellooooooooo Maris!" (she's in the middle of a week-long vow of silence) as he reclines and puts his feet up on Donny's desk is fantastic.
Niles sinking a half-court shot at a Sonics game. Sure, he does it granny style, and it's nothing but incredible luck, but the fact remains that no one saw that coming.
New station owner and multimedia tycoon Big Willy Boon implies there might be a syndication deal in it for Frasier if Frasier can get Willy's fiancee to quit smoking in three weeks. Said fiancee is Bebe. And after three weeks of hell, Frasier finally finds a method that works.
Frasier: For God's sake... I don't care anymore. You know, I can't help you, nobody can. You want to ruin it for both of us? Here, go ahead, knock yourself out. I only wish I could be there when it happens.
Bebe: When what happens?
Frasier: When you see that newspaper headline: "Big Willy Boone, Millionaire, Dead." Oh, how I wish I could be there when you watch the funeral on the news. Watch the casket being slipped into the ground. Only, you won't be watching that. No, no, you'll be watching... the widow Boone. Tiffany, perhaps. Oh no, better yet, "Kelli" - with an "I"!
Frasier: You'll picture her wearing YOUR jewels, sailing in YOUR yachts, sleeping with YOUR gigolos - but, oh, you won't be sad, no, no, no! [chuckles] Because you'll have your cigarette.
(Bebe looks horrified at her cigarette)
Frasier: Yeah! Clutched in your nicotine-stained teeth, smoke whirling about your once-pretty, now creased, leathery, smoke-ravaged...
Bebe: Enough! (gives the cigarettes to Frasier) You are one hell of a therapist.
Whether or not you agree with Dr. Nora's beliefs, you have to admit that she was a smug, holier-than-thou shrew to everybody she came in contact with. (And a stereotypical Straw Feminist, at that!) So, when Frasier tracked down her mother, who then charges into the studio, reveals all of Dr. Nora's dirty laundry on the air, and completely shatters her superior attitude in less than 60 seconds and leaves her a hysterically sobbing mess, it is Laser-Guided Karma at its best.
The best part is that Frasier was only trying to help, while Roz disapproved, wanting violence over reconcillation. When Mrs. Mulhern bellows, "YOU LITTLE WHORE!!!", Roz jumps up and down gleefully exclaiming, "I was wrong, Frasier! Your way is better!"
When Frasier works with Niles to write his own theme tune, both funny and awesome.
S10E05 "Tales from the Crypt". Greatest. Prank. EVER!
Frasier's halloween party where everyone had to dress as someone they admired. Martin goes as Joe DiMaggio and Niles goes as Martin. Near the end, when one of Frasier's "games" is to state their hero's disappointment. Niles first says it's not being able to take Niles and Frasier to see DiMaggio, then says it's Niles and Frasier. Martin tells Niles to stop right there and that he was always proud of Niles and Frasier, and he would not allow Niles to put words in his mouth or portray him as a drunk, judgemental jackass.
In "Juvenilia", Frasier getting one over on the bratty hosts of "Teen Scene", who have spitefully dug up his embarrassing secrets and used them to humiliate him on the air, by reminding them with Kirby's help that he isn't the only one with embarrassing secrets that he doesn't want broadcast to the public over the radio...
Frasier: I believe we were discussing my competence as a mental health professional. And though it is true that I have suffered several emotional setbacks in my life, if we are to be honest... haven't we all? Trent: And that's your defense... that we all have problems. [The teens sneer; Frasier produces a notebook] Frasier:' Perhaps I can better illustrate my point by reading from a poem entitled, "An Onion for Trisha." Trent:[taken aback] Where did you get that? Frasier: "My heart is like an onion, filled with layers of tears. Why, oh, why did you leave me, Trisha?" Emily:[clearly upset] Trisha Sharpe? You said you never liked her! Frasier:[gleefully] Ooh, Trent, tough blow! Yes, it seems that youthful relationships are fraught with emotional hazards. Especially in the case of a young woman who finds her first love at Math Camp... Trent: What happened at Math Camp?! Emily:[highly distressed] I don't want to talk about it! Ryan: Uh, Dr. Crane! Frasier: Yes, Ryan. Or as the boys on the swim team call you... Ryan:[cutting in desperately] So, do you have any good advice for kids that want to go to college? [Frasier smiles and closes the notebook]