Fanfic / Prince Heinel Vs The Barney Bunch

Prince Heinel Vs The Barney Bunch is a Crack Fic about Prince Heinel sparring with The Barney Bunch. It was published on December 8, 2023 on the fanfiction website Archive of Our Own. Read it here.

Prince Heinel is plotting to take over the Earth as usual, but his routine is suddenly interrupted by Barney, who asks him for a hug. When Heinel refuses, Barney forces him to hug him anyways and Heinel sets him on fire. Barney's ally Drew Pickles puts out the fire, joins the fight, and the battle has just begun...

This fic runs on Insane Troll Logic from start to finish and it'd actually be easier for you to NOT try to understand what's going on. It's also somewhat of a Hate Fic that takes constant potshots at Barney & Friends.

For tropes on Drew Pickles and Barney in general, see their respective series Rugrats and Barney & Friends''. To see tropes of them in this incarnation, see The Barney Bunch.

For tropes of Prince Heinel, Katherine Rii and Jangal Rui, see Voltes V.

Has examples of:

• Adaptational Badass:
  • Aunt Jemima can duel wield maple syrup bottles and even make armor made out of maple syrup, which she uses to shield Barney from Heinel's deadly tater tots.
  • Katherine uses a sword, but in the original Voltes V anime she had no weapon.
• Adapted Out:
  • Though the fic centers on Prince Heinel and his aides, it leaves out Zuhl. Though in canon, this fic could have taken place after Zuhl was executed for being The Mole and trying to kill Heinel.
  • In the original anime, the Boazanians had a command ship. In this fic, however...
  While Heinel continued formulating a plan, Jangal entered the room and said “your highness, I have word from-“ but Heinel interrupted and said “CAN’T YOU SEE I’M BUSY!? GO WAIT IN THE COMMAND SHIP!”

  Jangal just responded “sir, we don’t have a command ship.”

  Heinel then calmed down and said “we don’t? Well, maybe we should get one.”
• Aliens Are Bastards: The main characters are aliens from the Boazanian Empire who are (ineffectually) trying to take over the Earth, though they pale in comparison to the Depraved Homosexuals of the The Barney Bunch.
• All for Nothing: The fic opens with the Boazanians, as usual, trying to figure how to conquer the Earth. When The Barney Bunch arrive, they wonder if they can use them to their advantage, but it turns out they're nothing but a group of psychotic Depraved Homosexuals that try to absorb their power. Heinel and Katherine manage to defeat them with the Pube Muppet, but they forget to ask him how to defeat Voltes V, so they spend the next few minutes in awkward silence.
• All Gays are Promiscuous: Considering the "gays" here are Drew and Barney of the The Barney Bunch, this is a given.
• All Women Are Lustful: Katherine's advice to Heinel is “women use vibrators, but really badass women use cactuses”.
• Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: How Drew pickles is introduced.
  Drew Pickles looked over at the alien prince and said “I am Drew Pickles, I am the leader of the group known as the Barney Bunch. We are known for many illegal activities such as rape, murder, and eating all of the beans ahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
• Artistic License – Animal Care: When Heinel and Barney are fighting, Heinel recalls that Katherine once told that the only way to defeat dinosaurs is to throw potato chips at them. When Heinel throws one at Barney's eye, he bursts into flames.
• Big Damn Heroes: Just when it looks like Heinel's lost the battle, Katherine appears out of a portal and pulls him in, where they ally with the Pube Muppet.
• Bitch in Sheep's Clothing: Barney. He initially offers to give his buddy Heinel for a hug to cheer him up, but in actuality, he hugs people because it's easier to drain the souls of the innocent that way.
• Conquering Alien Prince: Prince Heinel, the main character. The fic opens with him being frustrated about how he can't defeat Voltes V, who are an obstacle to his conquest of Earth.
• Depraved Homosexual: Drew Pickles, who wants to rape everyone he meets, screams about his sexual prowess, gloats about all the heinous sex offenses he's comitted and owns a giant Super Robot dildo.
• Fate Worse than Death:
  • Jangal steps on a Lego and the pain is so severe that he faints from shock, and can only dream of a world where every movie and TV show is directed by Neil Gaiman, and the only person allowed to star in them was Noah Ringer.
  • Heinel decapitated Barney the Dinosaur using a Sega Genesis consle, and then throws his corpse into the sun where he is burned alive.
• Eldritch Abomination: Barney's true form:
  Meanwhile, Heinel was firing his laser rifle at Barney in an attempt to keep from being hugged by the purple dinosaur.

  “COME OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON! I JUST WANT A HUG!”

  “NO! As long as I breathe, I will never be hugged by the likes of you!”

  Barney’s eyes turned red and his voice suddenly got a lot deeper as he said “so be it”, before firing a stream of red heat vision directly at Prince Heinel, causing the prince to be sent flying through the air and into an old tree.
• Funny Background Event: While Heinel and Drew Pickles are are fighting, Barney is reading a book called "Tom Hanks fucks a corn chip: 4th Edition."
• Groin Attack: Inverted, Drew uses his giant cock to fight Heinel's own longsword.
• Does This Remind You of Anything?: Early in the fic, Barney forces himself on Heinel "for a hug" while Heinel screams at him to get off.
• Insane Troll Logic: The entire fic runs on this, but this is the most egregious part: Heinel manages to cure the world of it's ills using jump-rope.
  Now it was Heinel’s turn to smirk as he said “you know what they say, if you eat too much syrup, you’re gonna blow up.”

  “No one says that”

  “Well I just did” said Heinel before grabbing one of Barney’s DNA strands and yanking it away from the purple dinosaur.

  “And what are you planning to do with that, huh?” said Barney

  “This” said Heinel before he began using Barney’s DNA strand to jump rope with.

  Heinel jumped rope for a whole minute without missing a beat, genuinely impressing Barney in the process. The footwork that Heinel had during this process was unmatched, it was like his feet were made for this.

  After 3000 jumps, Heinel stopped jumping, and took a bow.

  An entire audience came out of nowhere and began clapping for Prince Heinel, Barney included. Tears of joy were shed, lives were changed, and red roses began to get tossed at the alien prince as he relished in the attention that the people were giving him.

  It almost seemed like world peace had been brought by the sheer magnitude of Heinel’s rope jumping. In other parts of the world, treaties were being signed to end wars currently going on, and sex traffickers had gotten the sudden idea to just let their victims go free. DNA jump rope seemed to be the answer to all the world’s problems.
• Made of Iron: No matter how much Katherine is sliced with maple syrup, she keeps fighting Aunt Jemima with no issue before eventually turning into the Hulk and destroying her.
• Mythology Gag:
  • Drew Pickles using his dick as a sword is a nod to how in the original The Barney Bunch videos, he often killed women by beating them to death with his 300 mile long penis.
  • People clapping for Heinel and throwing roses at Heinel after his performance with a jump-rope. In Real Life, Tadao Nagahama based Heinel off of one of the actors from Takarazuka Revue.
• Noodle Incident: In the past, Gordon Ramsey managed to defeat the Barney Bunch, a fact Drew tells Heinel during his introductory infodump.
• Pre Ass Kicking One Liner: Parodied, lampshaded, lampooned
  Aunt Jemima decided that since the other guys had cool pre-ass kicking one liners, she should have one too.

  “The galaxy is vast and infinite, but once I am done with it, all civilizations will be gone with only syrup remaining” said Aunt Jemima ominously.
• Product Placement: In between the fight scenes, Aunt Jemima appears to advertise her syrup.
• Related in the Adaptation: Just as Katherine is losing the fight against Aunt Jemima, her father, Bubsy, appears and tells her to use surge soda on her.
• Skewed Priorities: Heinel finds the idea of being raped by Drew Pickles off-putting not because of the emotional/physical/sexual trauma associated with rape, but because "his butt will be sore to sit on the king's throne".
• Take That!: To Barney the Dinosaur from Barney & Friends. Think of every trope associated with the Barney Periphery Hatedom, and this fic plays it straight.
• Troll Fic: Obvious with the over-the-top violence and frequent Product Placement of Aunt Jemima's syrupy goodness, amongst the Cliché Storm of common fanfic elements.
• Verbal Tic: Drew Pickles often says "ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha"