- "Failure is not a Factory-installed Option":
[Steve, Hayley, and Francine are walking to the discount supermarket; Stan has left the family due to an emotional breakdown, leaving them with little money]
Steve: How come we had to walk here?
Francine: [angrily] BECAUSE WE'RE POOR AS HELL!
- "Pulling Double Booty":
[Hayley is unconscious on the couch after Stan tranquilized her following a post-breakup rampage]
Francine: I think what she needs right now is our love and support...
[Hayley wakes up and immediately chokes Francine]
Francine: SHOOT HER! SHOOT HER IN THE FACE!
- "All About Steve":
Stan: We're flying in our top codebreaker. His name is Tom Jorgenson. He's notoriously difficult to work with. Some call him a genius. Others call him a madman. But he's the single most valuable weapon our country has in our war on terror.
[the helicopter presumably carrying Tom crashes into the dam that the CIA agents are standing on]
Stan: Scott here is, uh, pretty good at the jumble.
Scott: [smiles and gives fellow agents a thumbs-up, then is killed when the tail of the exploded helicopter falls on him]
- From "Bullocks to Stan":
Oh, come on! I've picked up your laundry, I polished your shoes; I've done everything but bend over backwards for you, and my daughter did that, so I say we count it! Stan:
Hey, I'm hungry! [Bullock] rode me like an animal for three hours
! Do you have any idea what that's like?!
Hayley: [raises eyebrows casually]
Stan: ... and now I'm not hungry.
- A hot girl agrees to go out with Steve... if he can find a date for her large, unattractive friend, Jewel:
Steve: [nervously] Jewel... I'd like you to meet my friends...
Toshi: GODZILLA! [he, Snot, and Barry run away]
- Stan yelling at his TV, completely seriously, at the beginning of "Francine's Flashback":
Stan: Shoot him! SHOOT HIM!
[cut to TV shows that Stan is watching Sesame Street]
Elmo: Big Bird, just share it with Cookie Monster!
Stan: Don't trust him! He just pretends to eat cookies but he never swallows anything!
- The newspaper headlines during the theme song in earlier seasons. Some highlights:
- "Bush finally gets joke about his last name"
- "Childhood obesity up, pedophilia down"
- "Jewish Gynecologist Develops Pap Schmear"
- "Economy Turns A Corner, Falls Down Stairs"
- Oh god, stud, stud, I hit the stud!
- This exchange from "Threat Levels":
Stan: What I'm saying is... you're fired!
(Donald Trump suddenly appears with his hand outstretched)
Stan: Oh, for God's sake, will somebody please pay Mr. Trump?
- The Brick Joke where Stan points out that he's not paying Donald Trump for using "You're fired" in the passive past tense ("You were fired") since he doesn't own that.
- In the pilot when Stan freaks out and shoots the toaster apart, to which Hayley states "It's just toast, Dad."
Stan: This time it was toast, Hayley. This time.
- When Stan and Francine are making out and Klaus tries to tell Francine that she and him are meant to be together, after which Stan pours fish flakes into his bowl and Klaus exclaims "Happy hour!" before pigging out.
- After Francine declares she's putting Roger on a diet Roger gets on the kitchen table and it collapses under his weight, after which he states "Oh god, I got a bear claw in my ass."
- When Stan is giving Hayley a body check and he pulls a pack of gum out of her pocket, he throws it thinking it's a grenade but it doesn't explode and he comments "Alright, it's gum."
- When Stan tries to help Steve get a girl he steals her purse so Steve can get it back, but gets carried away and runs out of the mall, jumping out a window and crushing a car on the way down. Cut to him driving Steve home with glass shards in his face, even though he had on a wool face mask.
- Stan's reaction to finding out how many men Francine slept with before him.
Francine: Oh Stan, that was just sex. Sex without love is meaningless!
Stan: Francine, I'm looking into your eyes, I'm listening to you speak, but all I can see is you taking more poundings than Omaha Beach before the ground assault began.
- The entire chase scene from "Francine's Flashback" with Stan trying to kill a raccoon like he did when they were young, only this time he's trying to do it deliberately instead of accidentally. The best part is that after Stan leaves the raccoon is revealed to have survived.
- From earlier in the same episode, we have this scene with Stan:
Stan: This midnight fishing is great!
Bullock: Sounds to me that someone doesn't want to go home.
Stan: Yeah, I'm laying low. Today is the anniversary of a huge fight me and Francine got into last year.
Jackson: Yeah? What about?
[Jackson tries to say something, but is stopped by Bullock. Stan throws his line out, and drinks from his beer.]
Bullock: There it is.
- In "Helping Handis" when Stan gives Steve CIA steroids that end up giving him Gag Boobs.
Stan: You are not leaving this house until those milk monsters are gone!
- Roger tortures Stan by reading the first draft of the Sex and the City movie script.
Roger: "Samantha's story got me thinking. If I fell, would Big be there to catch me?"
[Stan screams in anger]
- Roger getting thoroughly thrashed by the Taco King in "All About Steve," followed by Stan finding a traumatized Roger in the bathroom who sobs, "I got beat up by a taco!"
- In "Four Little Words", the flashbacks to the four times Francine said "I told you so" to Stan (after a British double-decker bus crashed into the Smith house, after Stan set the pool on fire, after Stan lost a game of chess to a chicken, and after Stan's bungee-jumping business ended with two 20-somethings hanging from a bridge with bungee cords around their necks).
- In "Brains, Brains, and Automobiles" Francine trying to teach Roger (who's playing Colton Lansington, a renegade space cop who struggles to keep his bipolar disorder in check). She starts talking to him very patiently, playing along with him. Suddenly, Roger shouts, "Colton doesn't take orders from nobody!" grabs Francine's head and starts slamming it in the fridge door while screaming "I'm off my meds!"
- In "Wife Insurance" Stan and his partner Jim get held captive in Columbia. Jim manages to get them out of their cell by romancing the female guard, just by singing some lyrics from "I Need To Know" by Marc Anthony, gyrating his body, and giving her a certain look. The guard moans in utter ecstasy and frees the two. As they escape, they run into another female guard, Jim does the same thing, and he starts having sex with her in the guard tower. The first guard is standing outside with Stan, barely able to contain herself and fidgeting like she has to pee before Stan tells her to "just go".
- Heck, the entire episode counts. The pre-mission checklist, Wheels and the Legman (banana a dink a dink!), Francine with the Flag Cleaner, then Bullock, then Father Carrington, Jim porking his way through 200 miles of jungle, Stan's backup wife Meg, Barry being interrogated by Roger and Steve using the Bad Cop/Bad Cop method, Jim doing a handstand with a screen-blur (which was only in the FOX and Adult Swim version. The DVD version doesn't blur out the bulge in Jim's Speedos), Reggie the CIA Koala, Klaus facing the Scales of Lady Justice, Stan breaking up with Meg, Reggie again, Lady Caroline Lawson and Alejandro Rojas, the ending fight. On their darkest day they are Scooby-Doo... maybe Quincy.
- In "100 A.D." when Stan reads Hayley's note telling him she and Jeff are getting married, Stan gets so angry, the note burns up in his hand and he flies around the world to reverse the flow of time. Or at least he thinks he does.
- When Stan puts up a reward for anyone who can catch Hayley and Jeff, a bus full of minor characters gets ready to go find them... then reverses through a gate and off a cliff, exploding upon hitting the road, causing the death counter to go from 1 to 97. The explosion then launches the theme park mascot in a bullet suit that shot Stan in a previous episode into the sky.
- Later on he lands and pierces Stan's Satanist friend in the chest, killing him. A circle of fire them appears and drags them both into Hell.
- When Steve and Roger (as Wheels and the Legman) are driving, Roger becomes strung out on Turkish amphetamines that he dropped into his eye earlier and soon enough becomes high as a kite and goes on a cheese puff binge. When Steve tries to talk to Roger he assumes he is calling him "Legs" because he broke his legs and asks him "What did you do to my legs, you Nazi walrus bastard?!" and appropriately sees him as just that, and also sees Klaus as Garfield and they're driving across an alien landscape.
Garfield!Klaus: Steve, who is he talking to?
Roger: Shut up, Garfield. Why...wh...why do you... Why do you hate Mondays? You don't even work! (throws cheese puffs at Steve)
- During the newscast announcing the reward being offered to anyone who stops the wedding, they show an artist's rendering of what Hayley and Jeff look like - and it's a picture of Velma and Shaggy.
- In the sequel episode "Son of Stan", Roger chases around Hayley and Jeff making an annoying sound to try and it get the money back. It works.
- Stan: "Stop playing that rap, it's a bad influence! I swear yo, shorty be leaning on my last nerve."
- Nut Punch, BLOCKED, Counter Nut Punch!
- From "I Can't Stan You" after Stan evicts all the neighbors:
Stan: Francine, good news! The neighbors no longer hate me... because they're no longer our neighbors! [Camera zooms out to see neighborhood packing up and leaving] In other words, there goes the neighborhood! Heh heh. Ordinarily, that'd have racist implications, but I've done something far worse this time.
- There's the dramatic car chase to Cilantro's El Perro song, and Stan emptying an entire bottle of horseradish on his steak in "Roy Rogers McFreely". Topped later in the episode when Roger rips off his Paper-Thin Disguise and goes "It was me, Roger, the whole time."
- This little exchange from "It's Good to Be the Queen":
Roger: Hey, with this mortar launcher, we can get back at the kid who went all Tom Sizemore on your eye.
Roger: Yes, let's leave that plan between you, me, and the string of therapists who won't be able to help you.
- In "Haylias", Bullock's Oh, Crap moment because it is Patrick-effing-STEWART furiously yelling for his car- in Spanish.
Stan: I just had Bullock ride me like a horse for three hours, do you know what that's like? *Hayley gives him a look* "...and now I'm not hungry anymore."
- The episode where Roger gives Steve a chopstick, calls it a wand, and convinces him that he was invited to Hogwarts. The address Roger gave him was really a crackhouse, and Steve STILL believes it's Hogwarts.
- Later in the episode, Steve brings some of the product home with him because he wants to practice making potions. Cue Rogers Oh, Crap moment when he sees the gang leader and his men rushing through the door after him.
*Roger tries to run off, but the gang members grab him and drag him over to Ice Pick.*
- The entirety of "Pulling Double Booty", but especially this part:
: Let's ask her! You could do her, then I could do you, then I could do her
while you watch.
- The end (that got edited due to a Real Life wildfire that consumed a forest in southern California) where Hayley realizes she's been had by her own father and torches a forest with a single match.
- From the hurricane episode there's Stan's increasingly moronic attempts to protect the family, including getting a bear to kill a shark after the house floods, which backfires when they start working together to kill the Smiths ("They're brothers in arms", as Steve puts it), trying to electrocute them using two cables and electrifying Roger instead, then trying to harpoon the shark and harpooning Francine's right shoulder instead.
- In "A Ward Show" Steve gets beat up by several teachers. Roger retaliates by planting bombs in their cars. After the first two's cars explode, the third tries to run away, then suddenly he explodes leaving behind only his legs.
- "Nice girls don't kiss on the first date. Your mother didn't kiss me until our third date! It made the sex on our first two dates very impersonal!"
- Roger's violent revenge against the guys who stiffed him for a limo ride:
Klaus: You're really going to kill five people over twenty dollars?!''
Roger: Are you really asking that to the guy who just last week killed six people over nineteen dollars?''
- I PRAYED TO A FREAKIN ELEPHANT!
- How am I going to explan that to Jesus?
- This little exchange from "Oedipal Panties":
Francine: (angry) Stan's mom is here after being dumped for the billionth time.
Roger: Oh, Betty's here? I love her.
Francine: You don't even know her. Every time she visits, you're plastered.
- Stan's attempt to get to the airport to kidnap Hercules (His mother's fiance, It Makes Sense in Context.) and gets stuck in traffic and tries to get into the traffic and yells "FUCK YOU!" everytime someone honks their horn at him.
- Stan's new dog gets crushed by a hot air balloon full of pirate cats. In order to keep it alive he goes to a clandestine surgeon...who turns the dog into an affront to God.
- Later on he kills the dog by blowing him up, and he goes to Dog Heaven with Stan's first dog from when he was a kid. While they're driving a boat Stan's first dog kills a leviathan with an RPG, telling the second that he has to deal with them occasionally.
- In the episode "Shallow Vows", Roger is masquerading as a wedding planner named Jeanie Golde. Later on, he delivers this line:
Roger: Stan, remember the first rule of any wedding is that the bride is always beautiful. The second rule you can read on my website. You have to be eighteen to log on. I have some sexy barnyard stuff on there that is NOT for everyone; I could get in a lot of trouble. If you do decide to check it out, you need to clear your history right away. You may need to uninstall your browser - I'm telling you, scrub that thing clean. If you think you're being too cautious, you're not - they will take us both to jail.
- Roger's persona "Valik" following Steve and Haley somewhere south of the border when they don't find the perfect wedding gift for Stan and Francine.
- This exchange, after Roger calls country music lame:
Hayley: "You gotta listen to the words. Country music comes from the heart."
Roger: "It comes from the ASS. Right in the middle of the ASS.
- In the 007 parody "Tearjerker", Roger plays the titular villain, who plans to release an ultra-sad Oscar Bait movie about a retarded Jewish boy with a deathly ill puppy in Nazi Germany that will cause audiences to literally cry themselves to death. The day it comes out, audiences around the world are shown crying their eyes out watching the movie...except in the Middle East, where they find it hilarious.
- When Roger fires Stan from his recently-made dream restaurant and Stan opens a new restaurant that gets more customers than Roger's, Roger tries to make Stan look bad by bringing a salad into his place and claiming there's a dead bug in it. Stan sees through his ruse because his restaurant doesn't serve salad and he uses pancakes for plates, so he dares Roger to take a bite out of his plate. Roger does so, cutting up his mouth in the process, and promptly collapses from blood loss.
- In the end Roger tries to repair their friendship by blowing up Stan's restaurant and having the fire spread to his. As you would expect Stan tries to strangle him, so Roger holds a gun up to his chin telling him to calm down.
- Roger hanging a sign outside Stan's restaurant that reads, "Our Clumsy Cooks Have AIDS"
- At the end of "White Rice", Sweeps McCullough (another of Roger's personas) says he needs to borrow a chair and Stan's belt. Before grabbing the belt, Sweeps drags the chair off screen, and then comes running back as Roger:
Roger: (hysterical) Sweeps is dead! He hung himself! No!
Stan: I never gave you my belt.
Roger: (calmly) You didn't? Give it to me.
[Roger takes the belt and throws it off screen, in the same direction "Sweeps" went]
Roger: (hysterical) Sweeps is dead!
- The entire subplot of "Bullocks to Stan." Especially this:
Steve: Hello India. Yeah it's Pakistan. You know that nuclear peace treaty you sent over? Well listen to this [rubs the phone on himself] Yeah, yeah that's me wiping my butt with it!
- Add to that this gem as Jeff tries to hide from a murderous Bullock in a restaurant:
Jeff: *hides face behind menu, whispers to waitress* Pretend you don't know me.
Waitress: I don't know you.
Bullock: Jeff Fisher!
- In "Season's Beatings" Roger is making eggnog and tests it out on two rats, one gray and one brown. Upon tasting it the brown rat rips off the gray rat's head, licks it, wears it as a hat, runs around, pukes blood, falls over dead, then its chest explodes. Roger deems the eggnog a success.
- This line from "Homeland Insecurity":
Stan: Hayley! The neighborhood! What are you two doing here?
- From the "Vacation Goo":
Francine Smith: Stan, we are going on a real vacation and this family is going to bond!
Steve Smith: We could go skiing!
Stan Smith: Or, here's an alternate pitch. Uh, stay here, watch the Duke game - just hear me out - I order boneless wings from KFC - hang on to that thought, Hayley - I take a long bath and then, wait for it... none of you are here!
Francine Smith: Or - just hear me out - we stay home and for the rest of our lives together, every time you doze off, I'll slam a book on your testicles.
- The weird hobo guy from "Less Money, More Problems" is easily the funniest thing in the episode.
- "This world never ceases to AMAZE and INSPIRE me!"
- The scene at the Ferrari dealership, where Roger quotes Al Pacino's lines from a similar scene in Scent of a Woman, much to the salesman's bewilderment.
"Uh, I get the feeling you're referencing something. I'm not in on the joke."
- And once they get the car, Roger tells Steve to find some kickass driving music. The genre they pick? Ragtime.
- Francine acting out what life in prison would be like for Hayley.
- In "The Wrestler" Stan somehow gives an old man back his mobility, and outside are two guys carrying a Sheet of Glass. One of them lampshades how people always hold them vertically, so they hold it horizontally and the old man runs into it and gets split in half, then a legless guy on a skateboard takes his severed legs and runs off.
- Roger, as Russian high school wrestler Crotch Lickmeoff, doing a terrible job at preventing Barry from beating Stan's wrestling record... because he thinks it's opposite day.
Roger: I can't, I have really weak legs!'''
Stan: No you don't, you have the opposite!
Roger: I know, today's opposite day!
Stan: No, it's not!
Roger: That means it is!
Stan: I'm not playing!
Roger: That means you are!
Stan: Damnit Roger, just pin him before the referee stops politely waiting for us to finish our conversation!
- Stan getting beat up by an inflatable man on "Love, AD Style."
Stan: What are you?!
- In "G-String Circus", when Hayley discovers that Stan is working as a stripper under the name "Michael Dangelo".
: Hayley, this is not how I wanted you to find out...your daddy is a brilliant painter
- And the fact that right before that line he tries desperately to run out and fails (including jumping on a glass disco ball and falling on his butt on top of it, which would have hurt if the show followed reality), and then tries to sit down nonchalantly like nothing happened.
- Roger (when he first meets the frat boys at Hayley's college): Hi, could you please help? I'm not drunk.
- Klaus: (head suddenly fills majority of screen) HA!! I made it into the episode!! PAY ME, BITCHES!!
- Hayley: (pops in right after) Ha ha, me too!
- Okay, think of something funny, then exit on the laugh....
- In "Twill Orgenbone & His Boy Jabari", Snot, Barry and Toshi enjoy Stan's talk about Francine. When Steve tries to terminate the phone call, he gets tackled by Barry (a fat boy!).
- When it looks like Roger is about to take a spaceship back to his home planet, he pushes Jeff into the ship's tractor beam and the pilots unwittingly take him instead. Typical of Roger? Yes. Moral Event Horizon? Maybe. Hilarious? Definitely.
- In "Rough Trade", Roger backing into the TV and causing to fall. Then he took an inhale in it and became electrocuted. Another funny moment is when he crashed into a convey of cars.
- During the Spelling bee championships, Francine and Akiko's mother (forgot the name) are about to fight. Then Bah Bah and Mah Mah asked about the championship round.
- Wait, you're Chinese?
- Then when there were two left, Bah Bah said that the other finalist was a Japanese girl... by saying yeah as if he was interested in Akiko.
- When it becomes clear the plot is going to be a Shout-Out to Romeo and Juliet.
Principal Lewis: Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Langley, where we lay our scene. SHAKESPEARE, BITCHES!
- Roger's imitation of Israel Kamakawiwo'ole.
- The ending where Steve and Aikiko attempt to deliberately lose by spelling increasingly longer words, including spelling the titles of Tyler Perry movies.
Judge: Aikiko, spell 'A'
- Akiko's mother asking Toshi why he speaks Japanese when SHE doesnt even speak Japanese
- In "Great Space Roaster", they're talking about Roger's birthday plans, Klaus chimes in, prompting this response from Roger: "You can't participate Klaus. I hate you. I say that not out of anger but as a fact. It's 67 degrees outside and I hate you."
- Later on, Roger has escape from a maximum-security prison to kill the Smiths, and calls them from a bar in Indianapolis. He calls them and informs them via answering machine that he's still out to kill them, and hangs up...except he had pressed the wrong button, so we hear the sound of the phone bumping around in his pocket, hearing him asking for an iced tea, commenting on the Hoosiers, then going to his gate and asking for a copy of People magazine.
- Stans insistance on wearing panties while on the space station, which is a reference to Ridleys clothes at the end of the first Alien movie, with the justification that "on Earth I wear boxer briefs, up here its panties".
- Both of the roasts are pretty funny. A special note goes to Francine saying that Stan is almost a bad a person as Rachael Ray.
Roger: Why are you laughing? Thats like the worst thing anyone has ever said to anyone EVER!
- Bullock: Where... the hell..... IS MY SANDWICH!
- In a later episode, Bullock pulls a knife on Dick when it looks like he's about to steal his sandwich.
- In "American Stepdad" when Steve finds a script for an unreleased The Fast and the Furious movie, only to discover that the majority of the scenes are hardcore gay pornography. Then they later find out that ALL the Fast and Furious movies start out as hardcore gay porn, but gets edited down to the finished product to get the sexual tension between the main characters right (except in France, where it's shown uncut and uncensored).
- "Dom stands behind a bent-over Brian and Tokyo Drifts into his..."
- Barry's line in "The Missing Kink":
Barry: I'm such a idiot. SUCH AN STUPID IDIOT! (cries)
- The hilarious scene where Snot, Barry and Toshi twerk to "Wally World". Toshi in particular deserves a special applause. And Barry, who actually twerks his stomach that he formed in the shape of an ass, which he calls his "front butt".
- Stelio Kontos' return in "The Full Cognitive Redaction of Avery Bullock by the Coward Stan Smith"
- "Lost In Space" has a number of these.
- Jeff meeting Sinbad (the entertainer) on the space ship.
Jeff: Wow, so this is where you've been for the past fifteen years.
Sinbad: What? I just got here two months ago.
- There is a female alien shapeshifter who apparently has sex with the male alien slaves. One scene Crosses the Line Twice by having a drunk and depressed alien enter her room.
Toby: Hey, can you turn into a giant pickle, with lady parts?
Shapeshifter: You're drunk, Toby.
I'M SAAAAAADDDD YOU F**
- The Reveal of who broke Emperor Zing's heart. Roger.
- The Summoner's Song, a cut-down version of Wax Fang's Majestic.
- The following exchange from when Roger and Stan first met will never stop being my favorite moment in the series.
Roger: Oh I've got claws. Look at how fat those pants make you look. Mrow, kitty can scratch!
- The opening minute of "Blood Crieth Unto Heaven" might be the funniest minute of comedy all year:
A Completely Deadpan Patrick Stewart: Hello. I'm Patrick Stewart, theatre genius. Late last year, I found unsuccessful New York playwright Chester Winkle dead, in his extended stay hotel room. Among his belongings were a hot plate, a stack of Baby Gap catalogs, and twelve American Dad episodes he had written for the stage in one cocaine-fueled night; they were literally the finest collection of words ever put to paper. And now, we're proud to present the only one of Mr. Winkle's plays I didn't eat out of sheer jealousy — Blood Crieth Unto Heaven.
- From "Iced, Iced Babies", Stan after getting pepper sprayed by Francine in the bedroom:
"My eyes!!(runs into door) "My mouth!" (backs into doorknob) "My back!" (looks at dead plant on dresser) "My begonia!" (accidentally turns on radio as it plays the opening of the Knack's song) "My Sharona!" (backs away and turns on TV as Julia Roberts
appears asking 'Marry me?') "My Best Friends Wedding
! (covers eyes) AGH! MY EYES AGAIN!!"
- The entire Vietnam War reenactment in ''In Country...Club"
Roger: Best buddies?! Can I be your best buddy?
Stan: How do I hang an air freshener on this? You are a total waste of space. I often dream of killing you. Ahhhh, mountain pine.
- The ending to "Old Stan in the Mountain" - Stan breaks the hex that was put on him and appears to be returning to his normal age... only to find that he's suddenly turned into a young black man.
Haley: Ok dad, think. What was the last interaction you had with a black person?
Stan: It was at the T-Mobile store, aaaand it was not positive.
- The sequence where he falls off the top of Mount Kilimanjaro.
- After mishearing Steve and Haley and misinterpreting what they was saying, thinking they plan to kill Stan, he attempts to kill them both. He attempts to murder Steve whilst he's alseep, and he sneaks into Steve's tent, raises a knife... and then cuts to Stan sleeping in that pose. Moments later he attempts to kill them both by dousing them with lighter fluid and setting them ablaze. He pulls out a lighter, lights it up... and cut to him having fallen asleep and the lighter all burnt out.
- Rapture's Delight:
(randomly appears dressed as Moses and is holding two tablets that read I. SURF II. DOOBIE III. CHOW IV. PARTY V. HELMET VI. SLEEP) What happened?! I was about to do something really funny!
Terry: Apparently God does love gays, but only if they're tops.
- The entire scene with the puppets and the badass drawings.
Roger: Didn't you hear the puppets?! DEMONS ARE COMING TO RAPE OUR SKULLS!
- "He turned water into FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
- During the rapture, when all the people are ascending naked to Heaven.
Roger: Wow, that homeless guy from the bus depot is really hung! But I knew that.
- In "Bully for Steve" Stan telling Steve a homosexual giant called asking for his shirt back after seeing him stumble down the stairs in a giant shirt. The giant actually does call and tells Stan it was a false alarm. Later in the episode Stan tries to trick Francine out of seeing his bullying of Steve by declaring "I'm having an affair with a homosexual giant!" The funny comes in when you wonder how Stan knows someone like that and why he would possibly be calling him for his shirt.
- Also, Principal Lewis seeing a janitor turn into a werewolf on the surveillance camera (and before that, Lewis himself sitting down by the basketball court downing an entire case of beer cans and peeing on the court).
Lewis: OH SHIT!
- Before that, when Lewis has Steve and his parents come by and ask him who is bullying him, Steve looks around and sees that Stan suddenly has his "bully" hairdo pounding his fists.
Stan: (whispering) You better not say a fucking word or I'll kill you.
- Where to start in "Adventures in Hayleysitting".
- We are treated to a drunk Hayley and a stoned Jeff in the same episode.
- Roger's way of getting home; covering himself in gel and sliding on his belly down the highway.
- When Stan and Francine's date goes horribly, they decide to cut their losses and have sex in a barn. Beside them, two horses start having sex too. Stan and the male horse actually high-five eachother.
- The sub plot of the drug dealer (warning; this is one big case of It Makes Sense in Context). A drug dealer offers to buy Steve and his friends beer if they buy him the medicine he needs to make his meth. Steve flirts with an employee named Jenny, gets her address and he gives her back the receipt with his number on it. The drug dealer has OCD about receipts and forces Steve and his friends to take him to Jenny's house to get the receipt back. The funny part is when they wake her up and she screams, so when the dealer gets his receipt, Jenny's father blows off his head. We are treated to this line.
- In "Da Flippity Flop", a depressed Klaus attempts to kill himself by dropping the hand vacuum in his bowl. When nothing happens, he complains that the vacuum is never charged.
- In "The Most Adequate Christmas Ever", Stan asks what really happened to Jim Henson. It pans up to Henson and Kermit the Frog floating in the Phantom Zone.
Henson: Forgive us!
Kermit: You will bow down before me, son of God!
- In "The Boring Identity", there's Stan's technique to assault an old lady in the supermarket: MEAT SLAP!
- Also, Stan's rendition of "Taking care of bussiness". Made even better with Francine.
- From "Poltergasm":
: (to a tape recorder, after witnessing footage of Francine's ghost)
3:43. Just peed myself. (beat)
- Roger dressed up as the medium from Poltergeist. Also, him trying to get the term "Poltergasm" copyrighted, until he finds out its already owned by a porn studio.
- The Stinger of "Buck, Wild" where Roger is in the far future trying again to get his car's pedometer over 100,000, along with Klaus who has since died and turned into a skeleton in a bucket. He misses the pedometer when he gets distracted by an anthropomorphic deer and lets out a Big "NO!".
- The first time is actually funnier. Roger's car breaks down just as the meter is about to go over, and he tries to physically push the car past it, but ends up getting a heart attack. Then, when he and Klaus are in the ambulance, the ambulance's pedometer starts hitting 100,000, and he misses that too.
- In "Kung Pow Turkey", when Stan calls for his car, it pulls over and moves toward him as if it were sentient.
- Stans attempts at scaring away Francines parents. First he dresses up as Godzilla, but ends up setting the costume on fire, then he tries to dress up as the ghost of Genghis Khan, and finally he releases a panda in the house, thinking that the Chinese are afraid of them.
Stan: Francine, I bought a horse!/Francine, I bought a panda!
- In "Tears of a Clooney", Stan calls Francine out on the lengths she'll go through to destroy George Clooney.
Stan: I hate Susan Sarandon, but you don't see me cutting off my hand. (beat) I just cut my hair different for a while.
- "Independent Movie" and its ripping of, you guessed it, independent movie cliches. From the Manic Pixie Dream Girl, to the cheesy music and heavy handed metaphors.
- Toshi deciding to stay in the cornfield and "become one with the corn".
- The hitchiker thinking the group is too weird, and runs off, citing his meth addiction as the cause.
- "GLOW STICK DANCE!"
- Steve smashing one of the Ron Howard lego statues to convince Snot to go on the road trip to his dads funeral.
- This little gem from "Stan Time".
(on the phone with Dick) This time is like a gift from the Heavens. The last thing I want to do is waste it with my kids or, God forbid, Francine. (he sees Francine glaring at him.)
Hey, Dick, do those pills make you hallucinate your wife? Damn! Do they let you go back in time to change the past? Damn! Do they make you fly? Really, but only once? All right, I'll save it for Halloween. I'm going as a Turkey. Yes, they do. Yes, they do. Yes, they do. Well, then I'm gonna have to change my costume. (to Francine) Bad news about Halloween, Francine.
- Stan's Running Gag of saying "bosom" in "Roy Rogers McFreely".
- Roger attempting the "Bloody Mary" legend in the episode "Office Spaceman".
- Stan's song about Oliver North that parodies Schoolhouse Rock.
Roger: Crap! That's the end!
- Mind Quad making his first appearance in 3 seasons during "Vision: Impossible".
- Stan's Stock Screams: The suprised "OOOOOH!" and his "AAAAAaaaaAAAAAAAUUUUUGH!" scream of pain/anguish.
- "Help! Raccoons took my penis!"
- From "She Swill Survive", we have Hayley's current state of laziness, which has reached a point where she isn't even forming correct sentences anymore.
Hayley: "Watcha talking me at?"
- Also from that same episode, Klaus refusing to let Snot and Steve watch Das Boot until he has educated them in countless obscure German folktales that are somehow referenced in the movie.
- Bullock making room in his inner circle for Stan by ejecting a former member via catapult seat, only for him to have forgotten to add a trap door for him to fly through, so the guy is crushed against the ceiling.
- Stan describing Roger's bar as classy so Francine will let Hayley keep working there, only for gunshots to be heard from the attic, and a body flies past the window.
Roger: Okay, free drinks for everyone who saw him threaten me!
- In "The Unbrave One", Francine takes several online pregnancy tests from a shady gynecologist named Dr. Vadgers, most of which involve naked close-ups. The Stinger of the episode reveals that "Dr. Vadgers" is actually Quagmire.
- From "Family Land", an incredibly unsubtle parody of Walt Disney and Disneyland, something even mentioned by Klaus.
- The insanely racist slavery allegory of the Brother Rabbit parody Francine and Klaus visits. Francine is horrified while Klaus finds it amusing.
Brother Rabbit: And that's when I realized I like working on farms for free!
- When Roy Family has had the entire park sealed from the outside world, the area is divided into four different kingdoms, The Tween King (Steve) and his "army of whiny turds", The Feminist Queen (Hayley), a strange headed man ruling a kingdom of futuristic astronauts that are also somehow old-timey (Roger) and the Cowboy King Black Stan and the Italian Stallions. The entire setup is on the brink of war when finally pushed over the edge by Roy Family promising to let the last army standing go.
Stan: Okay guys, I don't want to jinx it, but one of the armies is made up entirely of children, so I think we might get through this causality free.
Roger: Okay, I just realized your laser guns aren't real, so here's what I want you to do - Die for me. Die for me.
- "I Am the Walrus". Stan gets paranoid that Steve is going to overthrow him like what happens in the animal kingdom. Steve tries to and ends up doing a good job of it and ends with Stan reasserting his dominance thanks to a suggestion from Klaus in the form of tricking Steve into walking in on Stan and Francine having sex and Stan intentionally makes it known that they're having sex.
- "The One That Got Away", as Roger explains in a flashback how he plotted to steal a pair of gloves, and needed Judy's key to open the case they're in; he tricks her into wearing a necklace he bought. "Sydney" points out how ridiculous that was.
"Sydney": Wait, you spent $700 just to steal a pair of $10 gloves?
- "Hello gloves, goodbye not gloves!"
- In "The Longest Distance Relationship" Jeff goes through a wormhole and ends up on Earth 60 years in the future, where Francine is now a zombie (indicated by the right side of her jaw tearing off) trying to keep herself looking young with a horrific facelift and collagen injection, while Stan has had his brain transplanted into the body of a gorilla. When the primates of Earth rebel against humanity Stan tries to join them but they tear his head off.
- In "Stan Goes on the Pill" Stan turns into a woman and him and Francine attempt to have sex. It doesn't work out, and they tell the kids.
- Steve: PLEASE stop involving me in this! I AM A CHILD! "
- Also from "Stan Goes On The Pill": Roger and Klaus' advertisement selling Stan's suits.
- "Are you bigger than 42 regular? WE CAN'T HELP YOU! LOOK ELSEWHERE!"
- "K&R Suit experience in Little Detroit. If you see "God is Dead" written on the side of the collapsing overpass, THEN YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!"
- One word: MYAH! Ad infinitum.
- From the episode "News Glance with Genevieve Vavance":
- Hayley applying for a news report position, only to discover that the host is Roger.
- "Beer Water! Quench your sober!"
- The tribute video of Steve that consists mostly of Steve's face crudely taped on top of famous images.
- The rest of the family getting stuck in the kitchen door while trying to run away from Hayley's diatribe about social causes.
- "Vision: Impossible" is full of hilarious lines.
- The disgruntled fired tour guide at the American Safety Museum yelling "Safety...OFF!" before shooting up the place.
- "You're being fired by a baby!" "That's impossible...unless it was Doctor Baby, the baby who's in charge of the hospital."
- Steve asking Roger if he's put enough salt on his salad. "Is...is that enough?"
- Also, Steve forgetting English during the three weeks the family is trapped in the house and developing his own gibberish language AKA Nell. He's actually faking it, he just made it up because he thought the family would find it funny
- When the family is cornered in the bathroom by the steroid-bulked racoon, Stan suggests that they spend the rest of their lives in there rather than risking their lives trying to escape.
- "These Cubans are HASSLING ME!"
- Gwen and Francine lighting up a cigarette, in a gasoline-soaked area after preventing Gwen from burning down the school and framing Francine.
Francine: *Running away from the school being burned down* Why does this keep happening to us?
- From "The Boring Identity," Klaus revealing that he wrote a lurid, 1930s pulp fiction novel called Shut Your Mouth, about Francine being abused in the bedroom by Stan.
- In "Scents and Sensei-bility", Principal Lewis explaining the school's policy on fighting to the students:
Principal Lewis: You hear that everybody? You get two free fights. I expect you to use them.
- "White Porsche Christmas":
Stan: Okay, I learned my damn lesson, Lewis has my shit and I want it back.
Roger: Not sure you have. You're calling your family shit.
- Bullock: Then we can track down the bastards that have been harboring [Roger] and punish them brutally! I mean really brutally. Weird stuff. Butt stuff.
- Bullock singing Oingo Boingo's "Little Girls".
- After Stan thinks he can make people disappear with a finger flip, he sits on Bullock's chair in the CIA, with Bullock still sitting on it. He then says he needs to get a "less erect chair" while Bullock just smiles.
- In the talk show that Steve was in after learning to cook, he tells them he had a mother(after claiming to be an orphan). The result:
"You have a mother? Who fact-checked this shit?"
- "My Affair Lady"
- Klaus tries to call his old ex and after the answering machine finishes its recording, he then tells this:
"Hello, this is for Hans Jr., your mother's a slut."
- "A Star Is Reborn*
- Stan slips on some marbles on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame and meets an old actress who belives he is the reincarnated soul of her dead husband, who was a silent film comedian, and slipped around in the same fashion, but never fell down. Turns out she's been coming to the Walk Of Fame for 50 years, and pouring out marbles hoping to find another person who can slip like that, but everyone up to Stan just fell down and broke their pelvis.
- The horrible Spiderman impersonator, who's not only fat, but his costume is BROWN, who charges people a dollar to beat him up
- The disgusting old-timey foods the dead comedian used to love that Stan turns out to enjoy too, such as pork in gelatin and cottage cheese served in a cantaloupe.
- The elderly film producer having an affair with the elderly maid.
- When Stan and Francine are drowned in the ocean, Stan mutters in his sleep, "Thank you for electing me the mayor of Circuit City..."
- "Manhattan Magical Mystery Tour"
- Francine getting kidnapped turns out to have been a ploy by Roger for his and Steve's characters Wheels and The Legman to get a book deal with mystery writer James Patterson, only for her to ACTUALLY get kidnapped, and the culprit turning out to be Patterson, who wanted someone who could write simplistic enough to help him break into the young adult fiction market.
- Patterson stealing Roger and Steve's characters, which he then renames Skids and The Walking Guy.
- Robert Wuhl forcing Stan and Hayley to be friends with him, and constantly eating potato salad.
- From 'Phantom of the Telethon':
Steve: We don't go blue! That's the lazy man's comedy!
*chuckles* Maybe we're working too hard.
Stan: Well, that's our show! If you want to know more about torture, follow an immigrant into your local police station.
- Roger accidently buying an electric synth organ to play as The Phantom of The Telethon.
Roger: THIS is what Im supposed to play maniacally down in the catacombs?!
Delivery Man: Oi, what did you think you were getting for 39.95?
Roger: No no, this is to totally unaccep- *hits the drum beat button on the synth* Oh! *plays an electric synth version of the Phantom Of the Opera theme* Yeah, I can work with this.
- Rogers hilariously petty sabotage of the telethon, such as adding the sentence "Stan Smith has both male and female genitalia" to the teleprompter, causing Stan to say the line on air. He also cut the brakes of the little motorcycle the russian bear was going to ride.
- Roger kidnapping Steve and dressing him up as the female lead from the Phantom of The Opera to recreate the romance scene from the play. Steve just leaves in the middle of his speech.
Roger: DAMNIT STEVE, I'M TRYING TO DO A THING!!!
- From the episode "Jack's Back":
Francine: [on the phone] Steve? You're in jail? Well, tell Toshi to tag you and get you out. ...What? REAL jail? Don't let anyone tag you!!
Stan: [as the car is leaking oil] Aw, great. Now it's making a black tinkle with hosey water. [beat, then addresses Jack] Mom taught me about cars, 'cause you were gone!
- The bit after Steve takes a picture of Stan and Jack, and drawn boobs appear on Stan. Roger is drawing on the picture with a tablet.
Klaus: What'cha doing?
Roger: Steve texted me a heartwarming photo. (writes I heart Peni on Stan)
- In "Max Jets," Roger builds a recording studio in the basement so his girlfriend (actually gold-digger) can launch a singing career.
Gina: [singing] My love is pure, purely for money, money from people that I don't love. Old men disgust me. I'd never love one. Unless he gave me MONEY! Hands across America, bitches!
Roger: Now, Stan, I know what you're thinking: one take, no mistake, slap it in the oven, easy bake! What do you think, Jeremy? Is it a hit?
[Jeremy, the sound engineer, nods enthusiastically. When Roger focuses on Gina, Jeremy turns to Stan and shakes his head "no."]
- The prisoner exchange in "Red October Sky."
[Stan and Sergei are being released by their respective opposing sides at the Berlin Wall]
Stan: Look, Seregi! Over there lies the West! People are buying Bobby McFerrin tapes, Jolt Cola, and Scottie Pippen sneakers. That's capitalism, and it's gonna triumph over your lousy system.
Sergei: I laugh at your decadent Western ways! Behind you lies communism. The paradise of the proletariat. Free of excess, devoted to the cause. Look at the strength and power of— GRAB HIM!
[Sergei pushes Stan into the arms of two Soviet guards, who take him in and close the door behind them]
American soldier 1: Damn it, Stan!
American soldier 2: Every time!
- Klaus goading Francine to kill herself in "Naitonal Terasure 4: Baby Franny: She's Doing Well: The Hole Story"
- Steve trying to reassure her that she had a great life.
Steve: You made me, Mommy.
Francine: (cynical) Any dumbass can have dumbass kids.
Steve: (gasp) Mama, no.