(Donald Trump suddenly appears with his hand outstretched)
Stan: Oh, for God's sake, will somebody please pay Mr. Trump?
In the pilot when Stan freaks out and shoots the toaster apart, to which Hayley states "It's just toast, Dad."
Stan: This time it was toast, Hayley. This time.
When Stan and Francine are making out and Klaus tries to tell Francine that she and him are meant to be together, after which Stan pours fish flakes into his bowl and Klaus exclaims "Happy hour!" before pigging out.
After Francine declares she's putting Roger on a diet Roger gets on the kitchen table and it collapses under his weight, after which he says "Oh god, I got a bear claw in my ass".
When Stan is giving Hayley a body check and he pulls a pack of gum out of her pocket, he throws it thinking it's a grenade but it doesn't explode and he says "Alright it's gum".
When Stan tries to help Steve get a girl he steals her purse so Steve can get it back, but gets carried away and runs out of the mall, jumping out a window and crushing a car on the way down. Cut to him driving Steve home with glass shards in his face, even though he had on a wool face mask.
Stan's reaction to finding out how many men Francine slept with before him.
Francine: Oh Stan, that was just sex. Sex without love is meaningless!
Stan: Francine, I'm looking into your eyes, I'm listening to you speak, but all I can see is you taking more poundings than Omaha Beach before the ground assault began.
The entire chase scene from "Francine's Flashback" with Stan trying to kill a raccoon like he did when they were young, only this time he's trying to do it deliberately instead of accidentally. The best part is that after Stan leaves the raccoon is revealed to have survived.
Roger tortures Stan by reading the first draft of the Sex and the City movie script.
Roger: "Samantha's story got me thinking. If I fell, would Big be there to catch me?"
[Stan screams in anger]
Roger getting thoroughly thrashed by the Taco King in "All About Steve," followed by Stan finding a traumatized Roger in the bathroom who sobs, "I got beat up by a taco!"
In "Four Little Words", the flashbacks to the four times Francine said "I told you so" to Stan (after a British double-decker bus crashed into the Smith house, after Stan set the pool on fire, after Stan lost a game of chess to a chicken, and after Stan's bungee-jumping business ended with two 20-somethings hanging from a bridge with bungee cords around their necks).
In "Brains, Brains, and Automobiles" Francine trying to teach Roger (who's playing Colton Lansington, a renegade space cop who struggles to keep his bipolar disorder in check). She starts talking to him very patiently, playing along with him. Suddenly, Roger shouts, "Colton doesn't take orders from nobody!" grabs Francine's head and starts slamming it in the fridge door while screaming "I'm off my meds!"
In "Wife Insurance" Stan and his partner Jim get held captive in Columbia. Jim manages to get them out of their cell by romancing the female guard, just by singing some lyrics from "I Need To Know" by Marc Anthony, gyrating his body, and giving her a certain look. The guard moans in utter ecstasy and frees the two. As they escape, they run into another female guard, Jim does the same thing, and he starts having sex with her in the guard tower. The first guard is standing outside with Stan, barely able to contain herself and fidgeting like she has to pee before Stan tells her to "just go".
Heck, the entire episode counts. The pre-mission checklist, Wheels and the Legman (banana a dink a dink!), Francine with the Flag Cleaner, then Bullock, then Father Carrington, Jim porking his way through 200 miles of jungle, Stan's backup wife Meg, Barry being interrogated by Roger and Steve using the Bad Cop/Bad Cop method, Jim doing a handstand with a screen-blur (which was only in the FOX and Adult Swim version. The DVD version doesn't blur out the bulge in Jim's Speedos), Reggie the CIA Koala, Klaus facing the Scales of Lady Justice, Stan breaking up with Meg, Reggie again, Lady Caroline Lawson and Alejandro Rojas, the ending fight. On their darkest day they are Scooby-Doo... maybe Quincy.
When Stan puts up a reward for anyone who can catch Hayley and Jeff, a bus full of minor characters gets ready to go find them... then reverses through a gate and off a cliff, exploding upon hitting the road, causing the death counter to go from 1 to 97. The explosion then launches the theme park mascot in a bullet suit that shot Stan in a previous episode into the sky.
Later on he lands and pierces Stan's Satanist friend in the chest, killing him. A circle of fire them appears and drags them both into Hell.
When Steve and Roger (as Wheels and the Legman) are driving, Roger becomes strung out on Turkish amphetamines that he dropped into his eye earlier and soon enough becomes high as a kite and goes on a cheese puff binge. When Steve tries to talk to Roger he assumes he is calling him "Legs" because he broke his legs and asks him "What did you do to my legs, you Nazi walrus bastard?!" and appropriately sees him as just that, and also sees Klaus as Garfield and they're driving across an alien landscape.
During the newscast announcing the reward being offered to anyone who stops the wedding, they show an artist's rendering of what Hayley and Jeff look like - and it's a picture of Velma and Shaggy.
In the sequel episode "Son of Stan", Roger chases around Haley and Jeff making an annoying sound to try and it get the money back. It works.
Stan: "Stop playing that rap, it's a bad influence! I swear yo, shorty be leaning on my last nerve."
From "I Can't Stan You" after Stan evicts all the neighbors:
Stan: Francine, good news! The neighbors no longer hate me... because they're no longer our neighbors! [Camera zooms out to see neighborhood packing up and leaving] In other words, there goes the neighborhood! Heh heh. Ordinarily, that'd have racist implications, but I've done something far worse this time.
There's the dramatic car chase to Cilantro's El Perro song, and Stan emptying an entire bottle of horseradish on his steak in "Roy Rogers McFreely". Topped later in the episode when Roger rips off his Paper-Thin Disguise and goes "It was me, Roger, the whole time."
This little exchange from "It's Good to Be the Queen":
Roger: Hey, with this mortar launcher, we can get back at the kid who went all Tom Sizemore on your eye.
Roger: Yes, let's leave that plan between you, me, and the string of therapists who won't be able to help you.
In "Haylias", Bullock's Oh Crap moment because it is Patrick-effing-STEWART furiously yelling for his car- inSpanish.
The episode where Roger gives Steve a chopstick, calls it a wand, and convinces him that he was invited to Hogwarts. The address Roger gave him was really a crackhouse, and Steve STILL believes it's Hogwarts.
The entirety of "Pulling Double Booty", but especially this part:
Hayley: Let's ask her! You could do her, then I could do you, then I could do her while you watch.
The end (that got edited due to a Real Life wildfire that consumed a forest in southern California) where Hayley realizes she's been had by her own father and torches a forest with a single match.
From the hurricane episode there's Stan's increasingly moronic attempts to protect the family, including getting a bear to kill a shark after the house floods, which backfires when they start working together to kill the Smiths ("They're brothers in arms", as Steve puts it), trying to electrocute them using two cables and electrifying Roger instead, then trying to harpoon the shark and harpooning Francine's right shoulder instead.
The high point comes when Stan harpoons Francine. The freaking bear stops trying to kill the Smiths, and shakes his head at Stan, giving a look that just screams "Dude, really?"
When the house initially floods and Stan, Hayley, and Jeff are trapped in the attic, Klaus swears everyone off and jumps out of his fish bowl to take advantage of the flood. Unfortunately for Klaus, he's a freshwater fish and the house is filled with saltwater, so once he jumps out he starts yelling in pain until Hayley puts him back in his bowl.
When the shark eats the house's design plans out of Steve's hands he remarks "It's hungry for flesh and knowledge!"
Principal Lewis reminding viewers of his Crazy Awesomeness by standing on his house as it's carried away by the flood, while wearing two ammo belts and a red Speedo while firing two M249s in the air.
Principal Lewis: End of days, bitches! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
In "A Ward Show" Steve gets beat up by several teachers. Roger retaliates by plantingbombs in their cars. After the first two's cars explode, the third tries to run away, then suddenly heexplodes leaving behind only his legs.
Stan's attempt to get to the airport to kidnap Hercules (His mother's fiance, It Makes Sense in Context.) and gets stuck in traffic and tries to get into the traffic and yells "FUCK YOU!" everytime someone honks their horn at him.
Stan's new dog gets crushed by a hot air balloon full of pirate cats. In order to keep it alive he goes to a clandestine surgeon...who turns the dog into an affront to God.
Later on he kills the dog by blowing him up, and he goes to Dog Heaven with Stan's first dog from when he was a kid. While they're driving a boat Stan's first dog kills a sea dragon with an RPG, telling the second that he has to deal with them occasionally.
In the episode "Shallow Vows", Roger is masquerading as a wedding planner named Jeanie Golde. Later on, he delivers this line:
Roger: Stan, remember the first rule of any wedding is that the bride is always beautiful. The second rule you can read on my website. You have to be eighteen to log on. I have some sexy barnyard stuff on there that is NOT for everyone; I could get in a lot of trouble. If you do decide to check it out, you need to clear your history right away. You may need to uninstall your browser - I'm telling you, scrub that thing clean. If you think you're being too cautious, you're not - they will take us both to jail.
Roger's persona "Valik" following Steve and Haley somewhere south of the border when they don't find the perfect wedding gift for Stan and Francine.
This exchange, after Roger calls country music lame:
Hayley: "Country music comes from the heart."
Roger: "It comes from the ASS. It comes from the middle of the ASS.
When Roger fires Stan from his recently-made dream restaurant and Stan opens a new restaurant that gets more customers than Roger's, Roger tries to make Stan look bad by bringing a salad into his place and claiming there's a dead bug in it. Stan sees through his ruse because his restaurant doesn't serve salad and he uses pancakes for plates, so he dares Roger to take a bite out of his plate. Roger does so, cutting up his mouth in the process, and promptly collapses from blood loss.
In the end Roger tries to repair their friendship by blowing up Stan's restaurant and having the fire spread to his. As you would expect Stan tries to strangle him, so Roger holds a gun up to his chin telling him to calm down.
Roger hanging a sign outside Stan's restaurant that reads, "Our Clumsy Cooks Have AIDS"
The entire subplot of "Bullocks to Stan." Especially this:
Steve: Hello India. Yeah it's Pakistan. You know that nuclear peace treaty you sent over? Well listen to this [rubs the phone on himself] Yeah, yeah that's me wiping my butt with it!
Stan: Hayley! The neighborhood! What are you two doing here?
From the "Vacation Goo":
Francine Smith: Stan, we are going on a real vacation and this family is going to bond!
Steve Smith: We could go skiing!
Stan Smith: Or, here's an alternate pitch. Uh, stay here, watch the Duke game - just hear me out - I order boneless wings from KFC - hang on to that thought, Hayley - I take a long bath and then, wait for it... none of you are here!
Francine Smith: Or - just hear me out - we stay home and for the rest of our lives together, every time you doze off, I'll slam a book on your testicles.
The weird hobo guy from "Less Money, More Problems" is easily the funniest thing in the episode.
"This world never ceases to AMAZE and INSPIRE me!"
Francine acting out what life in prison would be like for Hayley.
In "The Wrestler" Stan somehow gives an old man back his mobility, and outside are two guys carrying a Sheet of Glass. One of them lampshades how people always hold them vertically, so they hold it horizontally and the old man runs into it and gets split in half, then a legless guy on a skateboard takes his severed legs and runs off.
Stan getting beat up by an inflatable man on "Love, AD Style."
Stan: What are you?!
In "G-String Circus", when Hayley discovers that Stan is working as a stripper under the name "Michael Dangelo".
Stan: Hayley, this is not how I wanted you to find out...your daddy is a brilliant painter!
Pretty much everything regarding ''Oscar Gold'' in the non-canon episode "Tearjerker".
The parody of the James Bond gun barrel opening with the barrel shooting Stan and Stan realizing that it's a gun and not an eyeball.
While most worldwide audiences cry their eyes out watching Oscar Gold - which is about a retarded alcoholic Jewish boy with a cancer-ridden puppy hiding from Nazis - Middle Easterners find it hilarious.
Roger(when he first meets the frat boys at Hayley's college): Hi, could you please help? I'm not drunk.
Klaus:(head suddenly fills majority of screen) HA!! I made it into the episode!! PAY ME, BITCHES!!
Hayley: (pops in right after) Ha ha, me too!
Okay, think of something funny, laugh, then exit on the laugh....
In "Twill Orgenbone & His Boy Jabari", Snot, Barry and Toshi enjoy Stan's talk about Francine. When Steve tries to terminate the phone call, he gets tackled by Barry (a fat boy!).
"McGreggor. It's Scottish for bullseye."
When it looks like Roger is about to take a spaceship back to his home planet, he pushes Jeff into the ship's tractor beam and the pilots unwittingly take him instead. Typical of Roger? Yes. Moral Event Horizon? Maybe. Hilarious? Definitely.
Principal Lewis: Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Langley, where we lay our scene. SHAKESPEARE, BITCHES!
Roger's imitation of Israel Kamakawiwo'ole.
The ending where Steve and Aikiko attempt to deliberately lose by spelling increasingly longer words, including spelling the titles of Tyler Perry movies.
Judge: Aikiko, spell 'A'
In "Great Space Roaster", they're talking about Roger's birthday plans, Klaus chimes in, prompting this response from Roger: "You can't participate Klaus. I hate you. I say that not out of anger but as a fact. It's 67 degrees outside and I hate you."
Roger: Oh I've got claws. Look at how fat those pants make you look. Mrow, kitty can scratch!
The opening minute of "Blood Crieth Unto Heaven" might be the funniest minute of comedy all year:
A Completely Deadpan Patrick Stewart: Hello. I'm Patrick Stewart, theatre genius. Late last year, I found unsuccessful New York playwright Chester Winkle dead, in his extended stay hotel room. Among his belongings were a hot plate, a stack of Baby Gap catalogs, and twelve American Dad episodes he had written for the stage in one cocaine-fueled night; they were literally the finest collection of words ever put to paper. And now, we're proud to present the only one of Mr. Winkle's plays I didn't eat out of sheer jealousy — Blood Crieth Unto Heaven.
From "Iced, Iced Babies", Stan after getting pepper sprayed by Francine in the bedroom:
"My eyes!!(runs into door) "My mouth!" (backs into doorknob) "My back!" (looks at dead plant on dresser) "My begonia!" (accidentally turns on radio as it plays the opening of the Knack's song) "My Sharona!" (backs away and turns on TV as Julia Roberts appears asking 'Marry me?') "My Best Friends Wedding! (covers eyes) AGH! MY EYES AGAIN!!"
The entire Vietnam War reenactment in ''In Country...Club"
—>Roger: Best buddies?! Can I be your best buddy?
Stan: How do I hang an air freshener on this? 'You are a total waste of space. I often dream of killing you.' Ahhhh, mountain pine.
The ending to "Old Stan in the Mountain" - Stan breaks the hex that was put on him and appears to be returning to his normal age... only to find that he's suddenly turned into a young black man.
Haley: Ok dad, think. What was the last interaction you had with a black person?
Stan: It was at the T-Mobile store, aaaand it was not positive.
The sequence where he falls off the top of Mount Kilimanjaro.
After mishearing Steve and Haley and misinterpreting what they was saying, thinking they plan to kill Stan, he attempts to kill them both. He attempts to murder Steve whilst he's alseep, and he sneaks into Steve's tent, raises a knife... and then cuts to Stan sleeping in that pose. Moments later he attempts to kill them both by dousing them with lighter fluid and setting them ablaze. He pulls out a lighter, lights it up... and cut to him having fallen asleep and the lighter all burnt out.
Roger: (randomly appears dressed as Moses and is holding two tablets that read I. SURF II. DOOBIE III. CHOW IV. PARTY V. HELMET VI. SLEEP) What happened?! I was about to do something really funny!
Terry: Apparently God does love gays, but only if they're tops.
The entire scene with the puppets and the badass drawings.
Roger: Didn't you hear the puppets?! DEMONS ARE COMING TO RAPE OUR SKULLS!
"He turned water into FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
In "Bully for Steve" Stan telling Steve a homosexual giant called asking for his shirt back after seeing him stumble down the stairs in a giant shirt. The giant actually does call and tells Stan it was a false alarm. Later in the episode Stan tries to trick Francine out of seeing his bullying of Steve by declaring "I'm having an affair with a homosexual giant!" The funny comes in when you wonder how Stan knows someone like that and why he would possibly be calling him for his shirt.
Also, Principal Lewis seeing a janitor turn into a werewolf on the surveillance camera (and before that, Lewis himself sitting down by the basketball court downing an entire case of beer cans and peeing on the court).
Lewis: OH SHIT!
Before that, when Lewis has Steve and his parents come by and ask him who is bullying him, Steve looks around and sees that Stan suddenly has his "bully" hairdo pounding his fists.
Stan:(whispering) You better not say a fucking word or I'll kill you.
Where to start in "Adventures in Hayleysitting".
We are treated to a drunk Hayley and a stoned Jeff in the same episode.
Roger's way of getting home; covering himself in gel and sliding on his belly down the highway.
When Stan and Francine's date goes horribly, they decide to cut their losses and have sex in a barn. Beside them, two horses start having sex too. Stan and the male horse actually high-five eachother.
The sub plot of the drug dealer (warning; this is one big case of It Makes Sense in Context). A drug dealer offers to buy Steve and his friends beer if they buy him the medicine he needs to make his meth. Steve flirts with an employee named Jenny, gets her address and he gives her back the receipt with his number on it. The drug dealer has OCD about receipts and forces Steve and his friends to take him to Jenny's house to get the receipt back. The funny part is when they wake her up and she screams, so when the dealer gets his receipt, Jenny's father blows off his head. We are treated to this line.
In "The Boring Identity", there's Stan's technique to assault an old lady in the supermarket: MEAT SLAP!
Also, Stan's rendition of "Taking care of bussiness". Made even better with Francine.
Roger: (to a tape recorder, after witnessing footage of Francine's ghost) 3:43. Just peed myself. (beat) Asparagus.
The Stinger of "Buck, Wild" where Roger is in the far future trying again to get his car's pedometer over 100,000, along with Klaus who has since died and turned into a skeleton in a bucket. He misses the pedometer when he gets distracted by an anthropomorphic deer and lets out a Big "NO!".
In "Kung Pow Turkey", when Stan calls for his car, it pulls over and moves toward him as if it were sentient.
In "Tears of a Clooney", Stan calls Francine out on the lengths she'll go through to destroy George Clooney.
Stan: I hate Susan Sarandon, but you don't see me cutting off my hand. (beat) I just cut my hair different for a while.
"Independent Movie" and its ripping of, you guessed it, Independent Movie cliches. From the Manic Pixie Dream Girl, to the cheesy music and heavy handed metaphors.
Stan: (on the phone with Dick) This time is like a gift from the Heavens. The last thing I want to do is waste it with my kids or, God forbid, Francine. (he sees Francine glaring at him.) Hey, Dick, do those pills make you hallucinate your wife? Damn! Do they let you go back in time to change the past? Damn! Do they make you fly? Really, but only once? All right, I'll save it for Halloween. I'm going as a Turkey. Yes, they do. Yes, they do. Yes, they do. Well, then I'm gonna have to change my costume. (to Francine) Bad news about Halloween, Francine.
Stan's Running Gag of saying "bosom" in "Roy Rogers McFreely".
Roger attempting the "Bloody Mary" legend in the episode "Office Spaceman".
Mind Quad making his first appearance in 3 seasons during "Vision: Impossible".
Stan's Stock Screams: The suprised "OOOOOH!" and his "AAAAAaaaaAAAAAAAUUUUUGH!" scream of pain/anguish.
"Help! Raccoons took my penis!"
From "She Swill Survive", we have Hayley's current state of laziness, which has reached a point where she isn't even forming correct sentences anymore.
Hayley: "Watcha talking me at?"
Also from that same episode, Klaus refusing to let Snot and Steve watch Das Boot until he has educated them in countless obscure German folktales that are somehow referenced in the movie.
Bullock making room in his inner circle for Stan by ejecting a former member via catapult seat, only for him to have forgotten to add a trap door for him to fly through, so the guy is crushed against the ceiling.
Stan describing Roger's bar as classy so Francine will let Hayley keep working there, only for gunshots to be heard from the attic, and a body flies past the window.
Roger: Okay, free drinks for everyone who saw him threaten me!
In "The Unbrave One", Francine takes several online pregnancy tests from a shady gynecologist named Dr. Vadgers, most of which involve naked close-ups. The Stinger of the episode reveals that "Dr. Vadgers" is actually Quagmire.
From "Family Land", an incredibly unsubtle parody of Walt Disney and Disneyland, something even mentioned by Klaus.
The insanely racist slavery allegory of the Brother Rabbit parody Francine and Klaus visits. Francine is horrified while Klaus finds it amusing.
Brother Rabbit: And that's when I realized I like working on farms for free!
When Roy Family has had the entire park sealed from the outside world, the area is divided into four different kingdoms, The Tween King (Steve) and his "army of whiny turds", The Feminist Queen (Hayley), a strange headed man ruling a kingdom of futuristic astronauts that are also somehow old-timey (Roger) and the Cowboy King Black Stan and the Italian Stallions. The entire setup is on the brink of war when finally pushed over the edge by Roy Family promising to let the last army standing go.
Stan: Okay guys, I don't want to jinx it, but one of the armies is made up entirely of children, so I think we might get through this causality free.
Roger: Okay, I just realized your laser guns aren't real, so here's what I want you to do - Die for me. Die for me.
"I Am the Walrus". Stan gets paranoid that Steve is going to overthrow him like what happens in the animal kingdom. Steve tries to and ends up doing a good job of it and ends with Stan reasserting his dominance thanks to a suggestion from Klaus in the form of tricking Steve into walking in on Stan and Francine having sex and Stan intentionally makes it known that they're having sex.
"The One That Got Away", as Roger explains in a flashback how he plotted to steal a pair of gloves, and needed Judy's key to open the case they're in; he tricks her into wearing a necklace he bought. "Sydney" points out how ridiculous that was.
"Sydney": Wait, you spent $700 just to steal a pair of $10 gloves?
In "The Longest Distance Relationship" Jeff goes through a wormhole and ends up on Earth 60 years in the future, where Francine is now a zombie (indicated by the right side of her jaw tearing off) trying to keep herself looking young with a horrific facelift and collagen injection, while Stan has had his brain transplanted into the body of a gorilla. When the primates of Earth rebel against humanity Stan tries to join them but they tear his head off.
In "Stan Goes on the Pill" Stan turns into a woman and him and Francine attempt to have sex. It doesn't work out, and they tell the kids.
Steve: PLEASE stop involving me in this! I AM A CHILD! "