Back when your father and grandfather played Team Fortress 2, being bad at the game was so shameful, they would rage-quit (a lengthy, painful process that involved pulling burning coal from the computer's furnace).
"Final Fantasy IIis a pair of simultaneous battles on two separate planes. The first is the fictional struggle of Frioniel and the rebel forces against the might of the Palamecian Empire. The second is the very real battle between you, the player, and Final Fantasy II in which the game attempts to foil your efforts and demoralize you from ever playing again. As you try to beat Final Fantasy II, Final Fantasy II tries to beat you."
—Pat R., "Clubbing Myself Over The Head: The Final Fantasy II Experience"
Hundreds of thousand of minute decisions flood the zone. Top path or bottom. Guy on the left, guy on the right. What the fuck do I do with this asshole who is breathing fire at me...And looking at our nameless narrator, one wonders why he himself is not a bad enough dude to rescue the President. He looks the part. And for that matter, why the fuck isn't he giving me a gun, or perhaps a fighter jet with which to rescue the President. Why am I sent, alone and unarmed, against a horde of ninjas to rescue the President?
I am not a bad enough dude to rescue the President because the social order does not permit that self-definition. By asking me to be a bad dude, the social order sets me up for failure. The game could rescue its own damn President.
Nerd: I need to finish it! I need to finish the game! Henry Jones Sr.: Junior, let it go. Nerd: But I'm so close! I'm so close! I can finish it! Jones: Nerd... Let it go. Nerd: You're right. Fuck this shitty game. [drops the PS2 into the lava pit.]
Arin: Piece of shit! Danny:Hey, you get a blue coin. Arin: BLUE COIN SCHMOO COIN! Danny: ....Okay. Arin: WHO NEEDS A BLUE COIN WHEN YOU'VE GOT A FUCKIN' MENTAL BREAKDOWN COMIN' IN THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD? I DON'T EVEN CARE WHATEVER THE BLUE COIN IS. GIVES ME SHINES AND SHIT? SHINES ARE FOR BULLSHIT. I DON'T EVEN CARE, CAN'T BUY CRACK COCAINE WITH SHINE. YOU GOTTA USE REAL MONEY. HOW'RE YA GONNA MAKE MONEY?! GO ON THE BLACK MARKET, SELL YOUR BODY TO ALL THE FUCKIN' PEOPLE. Danny: (I'm scared.) Arin: THEY'RE LIKE, "AAAAAAH THAT'S A PRETTY LITTLE BOY I'M GONNA STICK A PENIS INTO THAT BUTTHOLE." BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IT DOESN'T SATISFY YOU. WHEN YOU HAVE THE COKE IT JUST MAKES YOU WANT TO GET MORE COKE SO THEN YOU GO AND YOU GET FUCKED IN THE ASS A LITTLE BIT MORE BY THIS GAME MARIO FUCKIN SUNSHINE!! Danny:[off-mic] Suzy—! Suzy! I need an adult!
"I'm still angry about that stage. And I will be angry about it forever. I'll leave a footnote about it in my will when I die of old age or something. Just be like, like, 'To whom it may concern. Fuck Top Zone, Act 2.' And they'll be like, what the hell does that even mean? And no one will know, but me. And no one will be able to ask me, for I am dead."