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Literature / Kelly The Roman Warrior

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Kelly the Roman Warrior is a story by KingAurthr2. Despite being hosted on Fanfiction.net, its setting is not based on any already existing fictional universe, though the story regularly imports/plagiarizes concepts from other stories, such as Patronuses and Godzilla. It's got all the hallmarks of a legendary "bad fic", such as a Mary Sue lead, terrible spelling, Anachronism Stew, and tons of Narm, yet despite those it's strangely got some genuinely good moments to make it entertaining at times.

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The premise is as follows: Kelly Mariena Ceaser Joenson is a nineteen-year-old girl growing up in Ancient Grome with her father. She wants to become a soldier and fight in war, but her father refuses, fearing her death. But one night, Godzilla bursts in and sets their house of fire, forcing Kelly to flee. She cannot find her father during the attack, so she resolves to return and find him. With the help of her ghost deer Elkus and an old woman who needs several ingredients to scry for her father, Kelly's quest to save him begins.

There is a dramatic reading by YouTube user mutantmuseum (aka manwithoutabody) here.


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Provides examples of:

  • Adaptational Heroism: Dracula is depicted as one of Kelly's allies.
  • Anachronism Stew: Oh does it ever. Despite being stated to take place "2000 year in the past in roman", Godzilla attacks millennia before the atomic bomb, Dracula rules in his castle, and Twilight has been published.
  • Ancient Grome: Despite being Roman, Kelly can turn into an avatar of Athena, and not Minerva. Likewise, in the sequel, her father invokes Zeus, rather than Jupiter.
  • Beethoven Was an Alien Spy: The Great Fire of Rome was caused by Godzilla.
  • Big Bad: Sauron
  • Brainwashed and Crazy: The Thor and thirty Hulks have all been turned evil by Sauron.
  • Deliberate Values Dissonance: It's acknowledged that Kelly's family - being Roman aristocracy - owns lots of slaves, without any kind of moral judgement. They're nice to their slaves, if that helps.
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  • Department of Redundancy Department: What is obvious shall often be made more obvious.
    and so Elkus sayed "Forsooyth my ladye I will carry you" (he talks like old time like in a old timey book we read at shcool one time).
  • Evil Laugh: The various villains laugh pretty often.
  • Face–Heel Turn: Thor and the Hulks are all evil now.
  • Heroic Sacrifice: Shrek, Doinkey, and Cat In Boots all "snacrifice" themselves to hold off an attack by Hades.
  • Kaiju: The evil forces include Godzilla, the Balrog, and a big black hydra with ten thousand heads.
  • A Kind of One: The Thirty Hulks.
  • Mordor: The final portion of the story takes place there.
  • Monster Mash: Kelly's party gradually becomes this, as it includes a ghostly deer, Dracula, a mummy, and an ogre.
  • Mummy: A good one joins Kelly's team. His name is never spelled the same way twice, but he's probably Tutankhamen.
  • Our Vampires Are Different / Your Vampires Suck: A major plot point during the chapters at Dracula's castle is the feud between the "very powar" vampires like Dracula and the almost-completely-human Edward Cullen.
  • Politically Correct History: While Rome's sexism gets a bit of play early on, the fact still stands that the mere notion of a woman warrior wasn't taken seriously at all.
  • Sympathetic Slave Owner: Being nobility in Ancient Rome, Kelly's family are slaveowners. That being said, they're nice to their slaves.
  • Voluntary Shapeshifting: Kelly's transformation into Athena.
  • Walk into Mordor: Kelly and co. have no problem with this.
  • Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe: Elkus speaks this way, often adding in "forsoothe" and "ladye".
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