open/close all folders
Maurice Pitka
Played By: Mike Myers
An American boy raised in India after his parents, two missionaries turned dog stylists, died. He became a guru so women would like him, but had to learn self-love.
- Bigger Is Better in Bed: Implied by Jane in the deleted sex scene.
- Celibate Hero: When joining the ashram at 13 years old alongside Deepak Choprah, Deepak is granted love in all forms by their mentor guru Tugginmypudha, while Pitka, after revealing his intentions are to get women to like him, is given a chastity belt, much to his dismay, and even force-fed Cialis, the erectile dysfunction drug.
- Death Glare: When he makes up with Coach Cherkoff who apologizes for hitting him in the balls, Pitka offers him in a hug but punches him in the face in retaliation and gives him one of these, before they make up.
- Giving Someone the Pointer Finger: Does this to Coach Cherkoff after punching him in the face in retaliation for the "Bangkok" moment."If you EVER sucker punch me again, I’ll kick your ass, all the way back to the Keebler factory."
- Groin Attack: The chastity belt does not protect its contents but it does hurt Cherkoff's fist after he executes the "Capital of Thailand" prank to punish Pitka for causing them to lose games, mocking his dwarfism.
- Combat Sadomasochist: Implied with the nuts in a sling scene.
- Intimate Marks: has tattoo in his pubic region of Daffy Duck pushing a lawn mower .
- Jizzedin My Pants: During the nuts in a sling dinner scene when the nuts are dipped in hot oily water he reacts at first in pain as if it burns . As it dunked more he moans libidinously as he eyes dilate . He comments “that’s good“. After Darren makes up with his mom and goes out to play, with everyone fired up, Pitka points to down and comments extactic that he made a "happy wee-wee".
- Kavorka Man: Pitka is an insecure, obnoxious, selfish pervert and egotist, and yet Jane Bullard has a crush on him.
- Safe Word: "Geronimo!"
- Self-Abuse: Pitka asks if he can still masturbate while in the chastity device but is warned that if he attempts to he will go cross-eyed just like his mentor.
- Share the Male Pain: The Maple Leafs players react this way when Coach Cherkoff punches Pitka. He experiences this trope literally, when the "Nuts in a sling" meal is prepared Pitka reacts to the "nuts" being crushed by exclaiming and groaning.
- Madness Mantra: After meeting Jessica Simpson, Pitka says "I'm beautiful and I have a secret" as he mimes masturbating with an ahegao facial expression.
- Raging Stiffie: Experiences these twice causing his chastity belt to clank. Pitka first experiences one when Jane reveals she had a lesbian experience in college. He later has one during the dinner scene when Jane attempts to kiss him.
- It Was with You All Along: When Guru Tugginmypudha tells him he can renounce his vow of chastity, Pitka asks for the key only for his guru to tell him it could've been taken off at anytime from a snap in the back, meaning he wore it for 33 years from 12 years old for no reason.
- Politically Incorrect Hero: Mocks Coach Cherkoff with midget jokes, and makes a homophobic joke about something Darren wears.
- Quest for Sex: Pitka's main intention to become a guru was to pick up women.
- Sex God: In the extended version, after having sex with Jane for the first time, she's completely overwhelmed by how good he is in bed.
- Humiliation Conga: During both his childhood and journey to become a guru Pitka was forced to go through many of humiliating tasks:
- Getting a tattoo of "DRAMA" in his knuckles and a pubic one of Daffey Duck pushing a lawn mower through his pubic hair.
- Forced to wear a chastity belt and be celibate at 12 years old having to give up his favorite hobby of masturbation and force-fed Cialis, experiencing Ischemic priapism.
- After a hot day of laying on a lawn chair he got his scrotum stuck in the webbing.
- In a knife fight with two pirates he was stabbed in the chest.
- At 26 years old to thirty six years old, he was in the Basque region of Spain starring in the off Broadway play Forever Plaid, he was kicked out over a charge of embezzlement (he claims it was "trumped up" and "bullshit") and being kicked out of the van literally while it was moving, then knocked unconscious and waking up to being "corn-holed" by a dozen banditos.
- I Call Him Mr.Happy: uses the common slang
Jane Bullard
Played by: Jessica Alba
- Buxom Beauty Standard: Pitka thinks she has a "great rack".
- Hartman Hips: What Pitka is attracted most to is her ass.
- Experimented in College: Confesses she did this when Pitka asks if she had any girls in her life.
- Head-Turning Beauty: Causes this reaction from Pitka and Coach Cherkoff.
- Love Interest: For Pitka.
- May–December Romance Jane and Pitka are 18 years apart in age.
- What Does She See in Him?: Pitka's attraction to Jane is solely based on her looks. She enjoys his work and finds him funny but he is obnoxious and selfish.
Jacques "Le Coq" Grande
Played by: Justin Timberlake
The French Canadian goaltender of the Los Angeles Kings who has an affair with Prudence, the girlfriend of Derek Roanoke, the star player of the Toronto Maple Leafs.
- Beauty Inversion: Justin Timberlake in a wig and fake mustache making him look like a '70s car dealer.
- Gag Penis: Why he's nicknamed "Le Coq".
- Likable Villain: Despite being sort of full of himself with his well-endowed genitals, he is quite likable in terms of his dim-wittedness.
Coach Punch Cherkoff
Played by: Verne Troyer
- Groin Attack: Complains crudely that this is happening to him sitting on the pillow during Pitka's sermon. He punches Pitka.
- I Call Him "Mr. Happy": He calls his scrotum his "dink bag".
- Punny Name: Seriously, Coach Cherkoff?
- Meaningfulname:
Guru Tugginmypudha
Played by: Ben Kingsley
- Comically Cross-Eyed: From excessive masturbation.
- Punny Name: Yeah, "Tugginmypudha" doesn't fool anyone.
- Self-Abuse: What causes his blindness from being cross-eyed.
