Headphone Issues
Before I begin, I have a bit of news. My headphones broke and I had to replace them. Now, these new ones are a bit quieter than the old ones, so as a result, any audio complaints I have with this show should be taken with a grain of salt, as it was not possible for me to judge every episode on an equal playing field.
However, it should be noted that the waiting room scenes in The Dentist have been my only audio complaint thus far, and I wasn't able to make out what was being said there even without headphones. I tried, like, five different headphone sets. That scene is just inaudible.
Anyways, I've adjusted my computer's audio output to compensate, so I doubt this issue will ever come up, but just in case, I do apologize.
Dan Vs The Animal Shelter
We open with Dan trying to fall asleep, but unable to do so, due to the barking dogs from the animal shelter across the street.
We see the caretaker of the animal shelter, a hippie named Crunchy, who is basically as close to an Ensemble Dark Horse as we get for this series. He gets a phone call from Dan, who demands that he shut up the animals.
He doesn't. Dan is enraged, does a Skyward Scream, and we get our title card.
Dan marches over to the animal shelter to have a word with Crunchy.
- Fluttershy: I've tried everything I know. I've tried begging, and pleading, and beseeching, and asking politely...—My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic, "Swarm of the Century"
Crunchy's line is something similar to that.
- Dan: Have you tried beating them?Crunchy: If that's a joke, it isn't funny.Dan: Then it's not a joke!
Crunchy does offer him some earplugs to help him get to sleep though.
- Dan: Don't make me come back here. Next time, I'll be wearing shoes!
What Do You Mean It's Not Threatening?
The earplugs fail, and so he realizes that "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself."* So he decides to call Chris.
Chris is asleep, as this takes place at night, so we get an answering machine.
- Chris: Hi, it's Chris. Leave a message. *beep*Dan: HOW DARE YOU LET YOUR MACHINE PICK UP!? YOU ARE SCUM! YOU'RE WORTHLESS! SPINELESS! ROTTEN TO THE CORE! THAT'S IT! WE ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS! I HATE YOU! WE ARE DONE! IF YOU EVER TRY TO SPEAK TO ME AGAIN, I WILL LITERALLY STRANGLE YOU! Come over when you get this. (*Beat*) It's Dan. *click*
Cut to the next morning. Dan is making a meatloaf, and Chris comes over. Dan berates him for turning off his phone. Throughout this, Chris is eating the meatloaf. Then Dan reveals his plan. First, Chris will distract the guy working there, and then Dan will poison the animals.
Chris is not okay with Dan's treatment of these mistreated animals, so Dan adjusts his plan to poison the guy working there, so that he can let the animals go free.
Chris points out that he'll be put on trial for murder if he does that. Dan laments this.
And Chris has been eating it this whole time.
Chris falls unconscious, and Dan puppeteers him around, leading to "Chris" saying several Ho Yay moments with Dan. Chris is just awesome. He provides shippers with so much. If you're into slash, you can pair him with Dan easily. If you're into het, then you can do the same with Elise.
Dan is being an angry jerk to the world around him at Chris's expense, because Chris is DYING. It's honestly uncomfortable to watch*.
We even get to see Dan murder another patient so that Chris can replace him. Why? Because the hospital refused to see Chris, since Dan refused to give them his identification or insurance carrier, the latter of which it is implied that he did not know.
The patient that he replaced, on the other hand (no pun intended*), was so rich that he would see a real doctor, not an actor in a lab coat that most people see.
This is quite uncomfortable for me to watch. For two main reasons.
The first is the obvious What Do You Mean, It's Not Political? moment. It's no secret that I am a Democrat*, and I support the idea of Affordable Health Care, including the president's current ObamaCare bill. Now, here's the thing: no doctor should ever ever under any circumstance put the well-being of his/her patient as secondary to ANYTHING.
Whether this means money or lack of identity. Chris was right there at the hospital, but no one knew who he was. Guess what? You're a fucking hospital. DO YOUR JOB AND MAKE HIM BETTER. I can't fault this for being unrealistic though, since this has happened recently in America
where a patient died due to a hospital refusing to treat them.
This is what happens when you have for-profit medicine! American health care is EXPONENTIALLY more expensive
◊ than any other first-world country in the world. Don't believe that chart? Go search for another. You won't easily find one that says America is number one, because welcome to the real world, AMERICA SUCKS
◊.
So, I won't fault Dan Vs for showcasing America for what it is. In fact, news stations in other countries MAKE FUN OF America, and the only reason American Media doesn't is because they are paid not to. But the fact that this happens, whether in real life or in fiction, disgusts me. Both as a political opinionist and as a human being.
The other reason why this is uncomfortable is that it adds NOTHING to the plot. Yeah, what does any of this have to do with the Animal Shelter? Nothing! The writers only added this in with the intent of making the viewer uncomfortable. They make me feel like I'm sitting in a Judas Cradle.
Just because they felt like it.
If I ever find the douchebag who wrote this episode, I'm gonna punch him. Then, I'm going to kiss him for raising awareness about the issue.
Dan decides to call Elise to inform her of the situation.
- Elise: Hello?Dan: It's Dan. I've got some good news and some bad news.*Elise: Is Chris with you?Elise: WHAT!?Dan: Well, not dead, but poisoned.Elise: POISONED!?Dan: But the hospital thinks he has a broken arm.Elise: YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE!Elise: IS CHRIS OKAY!?Dan: No. He's dead. I mean, no, he's not.Elise: WHERE ARE YOU!?Dan: I'm at a Pay Phone.Elise: AND WHERE'S CHRIS!?Dan: I don't know! They took him. Down the hall, somewhere, I think.Elise: ARE YOU AT THE HOSPITAL!?Dan: Of course! What have I been saying this whole time?*Elise: I'll be there in five minutes. AND I AM NOT HAPPY! *click*
+1 to Elise, btw. For being awesome during this whole exchange and acting realistically. If you haven't seen this scene, it's worth watching just for the expressions on Elise's face during this. She looks like she's about to snap and throw a ridiculously huge hissy fit. As she damn well should. It's very realistic, and is one of the many scenes that cements her character as the one that I love. And no, not in THAT way.
-9001 to Dan, though, for being an incompetent idiot and not even telling the truth. Let's go down the reasons why he sucked in that phone call.
- He said Good News, Bad News, but didn't deliver either one.
- He lied about Chris's state of living.
- He didn't give any details at all.
Now, if he's trying to piss off Elise, then that's fine. Cause that's all he could have accomplished with that. But if that's the case, then he's an idiot. He saw her fight skills in "Dan Vs The Ninja", and he knows that she could slice him open with her ninjato any time she wants - so he knows NOT TO DO THIS.
Oh, and what does this have to do with the animal shelter? Nothing. Why not Retool this episode into Dan Vs The Hospital?
So Elise comes over. By now, the doctors have gotten most of the poison out, but Chris still hasn't woken up.
- Dan: He's in a better place now.Elise: He's in a hospital! This is the worst place he could be!Dan: I would think shark tank.
OH MY GOD. Dan, are you serious!? Granted, you are correct. I'd much rather be in a hospital than a shark tank. But you're with FREAKING ELISE, and she already wants to kill you. You will shut up and let her win this one if you don't want to get fucking pulverized. And everything that Dan does here only digs himself deeper.
Elise, you have my permission to kill this son of a bitch anytime you want.
Elise, rightfully enraged at Dan, because he off-screen explained that he was the one who poisoned Chris, leaves to go get some tea.
WHY EVEN HAVE HER HERE IF SHE'S JUST GOING TO LEAVE!?
Anyways, I applaud Elise for having enough emotional control to do that. If I were in her shoes, I would have left Dan Bound and Gagged first so that he couldn't mess this up further.
So guess what Dan does? He messes it up further!
He kidnaps a dying Chris - just when I thought this episode couldn't get me any more disgusted and uncomfortable. He leaves the hospital to go get revenge while puppeteering Chris into more Ho Yay moments.
This includes doing stuff to his body that you should not do to ANYONE, even if they weren't dying. It's a wonder that Chris isn't dead by now. Fuck you, Dan. And fuck you, writers, for having the twisted minds that came up with it.
Anyways, Dan, as Chris, buys $3700.00 worth of dynamite. On Chris's credit card. With a 30% tip.
When showing Chris's driver's license as an ID*, We get to see some more info on the character.
- Chris Pearson7779 Ratface PlVan Nuys, CA 91567Sex: MHair: BrnEye: BluHt: 6-02Wt: 220Rstr: 22 35 64 71DOB: 02-22-85Expires: 10-10-1008/22/07567 AN/AC '05
Note the last name there. Chris Pearson. Now, for those of you who don't know, Dan Vs was created by Dan Mandel and Chris Pearson. Our two main characters were named after them. Elise, was named after the Real Life Chris's wife. And all three characters act like their real life counterparts, except with only the negative personality traits and none of the positive. What's interesting is that the character Chris shares a name with the Real Life Chris*. Which leads me to believe that all of this information applies to the Real Life Chris as well. In which case, Chris is kinda stupid. In Real Life. For allowing all that personal information out there. But this is just Wild Mass Guessing. It could all be fake.
Oh, and while Dan is puppeteering Chris, by the way, the dialogue that he creates for Chris is only SLIGHTLY out-of-character for the real Chris. It isn't like Dan always gets his way with Chris. Chris does fight him on some points. Now, there is a clear difference between Chris's character when he's conscious, and Chris's character when Dan is controlling him. It's not perfect. But Chris's character as Dan controls him is what you'd expect Dan's character to control Chris's character to do. So it works really well.
Aside from the fact that it hits Dude, Not Funny! levels when you consider the fact that Chris is dying.
Now, those of you who have gotten to know me know that my biggest pet peeve trope is Bad "Bad Acting". Yeah, this drives me nuts. And Dan-as-Chris does a good chunk of that when interacting with anyone but Dan. However, I realize that this is just my personal opinion, and that most people universally find this funny. So I won't complain.
Anyways, after picking up the dynamite, Dan and Chris go to Burgerphile to get some grub. Dan gets a plain burger without cheese, once again bringing up his lactose intolerance, as well as a soft drink. Dan-as-Chris gets a milkshake, as this is Chris's Trademark Favorite Food.
- Dan-as-Chris: I love you.Dan: Uh... I feel... somewhat warmly towards you... but this conversation is making me uncomfortable.
A lot of people took this line of dialogue to mean Dan is gay. As I said, I will talk about his orientation later. It honestly deserves a page of its own, likely after the end of the episode recaps.
But one other point I'd like to examine: Dan being a necrophiliac. Yeah, I don't think it's too likely, but bear in mind that he did say Chris was dead earlier. So it is a possibility.
Just a quick side note before I get some comments on this: I have NOTHING against necrophiliacs. To be honest, I feel sorry for them. We can't control our turn-ons, and it makes me feel sad that they can never get what they want. Now, I'm not going to support anything that would allow them to get what they want, as that's massively disrespectful to the dead, so I know that they will always be unhappy. And I truly feel for that, since everyone, including me, as their own weird kinks and fetishes.
After that incredibly awkward topic, let's go back to the show.
Elise calls Chris's cell phone, and Dan answers it.
- Elise: Where have you taken Chris? Someone stole him from the hospital!Dan: And you just assume it was me?Elise: I SAW THE SECURITY TAPES! And you stole our car!
NO IT ISN'T!
By that logic, you can steal anything you want or kidnap anyone you want, and justify it with that argument.
- Elise: Bring him back NOW!Dan: What's that? You're breaking up. Crackle crackle buzz. Buzz crackle.(Dan hangs up)
Elise then calls again, and Dan throws away the cell phone. He then takes a drink of the wrong cup.
Having drank the milk shake, his guts start acting up due to his lactose intolerance.
Clearly, this is Burgerphile's fault, so he adds them to the revenge list:
- Ted*
- San Fernando Valley
- Generic Cereal
- Monocle Manufacturing Corporation
- Burgerphile*
Dan returns home, visibly in excruciating pain the whole time, and then he goes to get his medicine for his guts. Only to discover that he's out of medicine. So he decides to go to the drug store to get some more.
He opens his apartment door, only to find Elise waiting for him. She acts realistically, as per the norm, being very concerned about Chris's condition, and very angry at Dan for denying him medical care and continually abusing his body.
I really hope that she castrates him someday. Cause, yeah, this is unforgivable.
- Elise: Dan! You have three seconds to explain yourself!
Really? I wouldn't even give him that. Especially seeing as how the phone calls you've exchanged earlier with him established that he CAN'T explain anything.
- Dan: Um, we got dynamite.
I rest my case. Please hurt him.
Anyways, he just surrenders and agrees to let her hurt him on the condition that she leave his guts alone, since they are already in more pain than he could take. So she punches him in the gut as hard as she can.
Ladies, gentlemen, and anyone who identifies as both, neither, or a mix, please give this lady a freaking medal and a standing ovation. She's earned it.
Anyways, so, Dan is left in pain. I'm sure she'd like to do more to him, but Chris's condition is worsening, so she has to take him to the hospital right away. She leaves with him, and leaves Dan on the filthy floor of his never-cleaning-up apartment, in pain and unable to get up or get the medicine that he needs to end his pain, plus having to deal with the barking dogs in the animal shelter. Yeah, the animal shelter is still in this, go figure.
And I am still not sitting down from that standing ovation by the way. It was that awesome. And the Fridge Brilliance of Dan being denied medical attention after he did the same to Chris has extended it further.
Several painful hours later, Dan is able to get the dynamite and lay it out all over the shelter, and then sets a three-minute timer and gets out of there.
On his way out, though, he sees an adorable little cat, who is in love with him. He adopts the kitty. He chooses to name it "Mumbles." But then he quickly changes it to "Mr. Mumbles." This cat will become a regular character for the rest of the series.spoiler alert
Dan lets the other animals go before blowing up the shelter, after the animals make adorable Woobie-tastic faces to get him to agree to it.
Dan's adoption of Mr. Mumbles is a Crowning Moment Of Heartwarming. In fact, Mr. Mumbles could be considered a Crowning character Of Heartwarming. Up To Eleven.
He is the one character that- Er, scratch that. He is the one thing that Dan never gets mad at even when he does anything that would normally upset him.
And case in point right now. They replaced the animal shelter with a firing range. This wakes up Dan and Mr. Mumbles in the middle of the night, and Mr. Mumbles then proceeds to claw his face up. A lot.
Dan goes to the hospital about his face scratches. The "doctor" that he gets, who, as already established by canon, is just an actor who plays a doctor, tries to rape Dan as the credits roll.
Well, not really. But it's VERY heavily implied.
The idea that a medical service would operate this way disgusts me. And I would go on a long-winded rant about it that would take up half the page, except for the fact that I already know that I'll get a much better opportunity in the next episode.
This episode is, well, very polarizing.
The first three-quarters of the episode were torture. Probably on par with Dan Vs The Dentist, but for a completely different reason. Dan Vs The Dentist suffered from bad writing. Dan Vs The Animal Shelter is well-written, but it focuses on torturing the viewer the whole time. The rape at the end is a good analogy, because that's what this episode felt like: a rape. It felt like it forcibly took everything decent about me and made me feel unclean. When it was done, it found something new to do to me.
The last five minutes though, kinda made up for it. Elise beating the crap out of Dan was something that I've been wanting to see for a long time, and wish she would do more often. Especially over a situation like this, when her husband was dying and Dan was doing everything he could to prevent his survival. This is how a married woman should act. And then the final scenes with Mr. Mumbles are amazing, just cause Mr. Mumbles is just so Badass Adorable.
This episode is, well, average. I guess.
I don't really know what to think of it when less than half of the episode focuses on what the title claims that it will be focusing on. The parts that did focus on the animal shelter were hilarious, but that's not much of the episode. And when one thing about an episode is really good and the other is really bad, then you end up with, well, average.
But that's really the only justification that I have for this rating. The episode just sorta goes all over the place so an accurate rating is difficult, if not impossible, to give.
Oh, and one quick note to any commenters. I'm not going to impose a Ban on Politics after I just talked about my political views. However, I would like to ask that you only post political comments on THIS page (or any future page that I talk politics on) to avoid turning-off any new readers to this liveblog. Thank you.
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