For moments from Not Always Working, see here.
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Not Always Right
Many of them, but a here's a few to start things off.
- "Short Pimp".
- (Little Red Riding) In Da 'Hood. Most adorable "gangster" ever.
- "Those are [cat] nipples."
- "But congratulations, because I can’t imagine it was a simple task.”
- "Yes, and if she would listen I wanted a PS2!"
- "Sergeant Transvestite?"
- Someone should tell him "You have died of dysentery."
- "I'm coming around there, and I'm gonna eat you!"
- "So, what just happened?"
- Symphony in Underage Minor
- "What's the cheapest thing you got in here?"
- We Have No Power, Starring Samuel L. Jackson.
- "I AM THE LARGE MOUNTAIN JEW!"
- Yes, are you finished?
- "Do any of y'all speak American?"
- Walk like a customer!
- "Aha, so you met the peaches guy"
- Se Habla Japañol
- "The escalator loses power and then woosh!"
- "D***! I missed Fanny Pack Guy?!"
- “Tigers are made of polyester?”
- The pen is mightier than the brain
- All of the Freudian Slip examples on the main page.
- “Oh, okay. By the way, my keypad seems to be on fire. Is that a bad thing?”.
- Where DID this woman go to school?
- Tell me, do you get any extra brimstone with that deal?
- You said flipping off the modem would probably fix it! I've been giving it the middle finger for 30 seconds now and nothing's happening!
- Well, I can nod at the phone...
- IT'S ON FIRE!!
- Watch him not open it.
- No, all those kids are not hers.
- Wrong God, ma'am.
- He really wants those shirts.
- "I'm looking for my favorite kind of nuts." Donuts.
- "This iMac didn't come with a monitor", which confuses the tech-support guy. See the answer.
- "Ees blue, and blue on de teeng!!"
- (ENGINEER) PROBLEM ALMOST RECREATED. THING RED.
- "It's time. Get out your key."
- "How much for my daughter?"
- Some Chinese customers decide to "return the favor" to Jews on Christmas. Doubles as Heartwarming.
- Just about any story where a little kid inadvertently exposes their parents' scam by being truthful can count (and make you go "aww" at their innocence).
- A woman calls a local library, claiming that "the Mormons are giving electric shocks to my genitals through my windows!”. That in itself is pretty funny due to how incredibly bizarre that sounds, but what makes it even better is that one of the librarians, who happens to be a Mormon himself, deadpans that he and the other Mormons are indeed shocking her genitals.
- Do you believe in unicorns?
- "FRAPPE FOR BATMAN!"
- "Gotham is safe."
- "Hey, how's your mom doing?"
- This manager pulls off a Funny Moment and an Awesome Moment at the same time after a customer tells everybody in the store they are going to Hell. "Welcome to Hell Mart!"
- "My mom left me here five years ago!"
- "Easter is egg-citing!"
- We'll all dance naked in the parking lot until dawn. And then a stockboy stepped out of the back room while taking off his shirt.
- "One more thing: Do you know where I could get some batteries?"
- Sometimes, a big lie is better than a small one.
- "BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL BAGEL!"
- What happens when a racist fails his spot check.
- "I'm sorry, does this mean you can't help me fix my telegraph?"
- You almost feel sorry for this identity thief. Almost.
- "Is there such thing as, like, bat-heroin??"
- The Chinese have special powers.
- STRUN BAH QO!
- “I can’t believe she didn’t yell at me! She just recognized that she was upset and left. This has never happened before!”
- Hey, if Bob Iger is head of the company, why isn't this place called Bob Igerworld?
- "I just really need to get my car sodomized."
- "Aren’t you a little too young to be wearing that? Do you even know who Gary Coleman is?" "Whatchoo talkin' bout?"
- Cheese Man
"Ma'am, please don’t give away my secret identity. The cheese villains of the world would hunt me down.”
- "Real dinosaurs?"
- Anything in the "A New Dimension Of Stupidity" series, but Part 4 and Part 5 stand out.
- "Does it go upside-down?"
- "MAYBE IT'S FOR THE KIDS TOO!"
- "Don't lie to me! I've seen the movie!"
- "Oh, you're a bus stop!"
- "How old is your son, anyway?" "26."
- "Daddy, is that lady crazy?"
- "Is this the Krusty Krab?" "No, this is Patrick."
- "YOUR MOM IS A MATURE RATED GAME!"
- "Get in the f*cking car! This is f*cking embarrassing!"
- "In my tribe I am known as 'Ejects Bigoted Asshole from Premises'." (Also an Awesome Moment as he did in fact, proceed to eject the bigoted asshole from the premises).
- "And I’m going to ask you to please lower your voice and not tell them that God wants them to die, or I’ll have to call my manager over." (Shortly thereafter, it becomes heartwarming.)
- Sometimes, watching a customer lose it is pretty funny.
Indecisive Customer: (at a fried chicken restaurant) Hmm… wait, what if I don’t want chicken for lunch?Customer Somewhere In The Back: WELL, YOU’RE IN THE WRONG F***G RESTAURANT, AREN’T YOU?! STOP HOLDING UP THE LINE!
- "S***!" "I’m sorry, sir; we don’t serve that here." "If I wanted that, I'd go to [competitor]!"
- This one's an old joke or Urban Legend, but still funny. It tells of a guy who had to go shopping with his wife. In short, he got bored.
- One wonders what toppings were on those.
- We usually go for crippling moves, not killing ones.
- These kids going through a drive-thru in an imaginary car and their I Reject Your Reality moment.
- This is how all book stores should handle Twilight.
- "Fine, you know what? You can take this g** d*** mo*** f*** Visa card and shove it up your g** d*** mo*** fu*** a**!” “Sorry sir, my a** only accepts American Express.”
- Related: “Turn on my phone or you can take it and shove it up your a**!!!” “I’m sorry sir. We don’t have service in that area.”
- A customer mentions that a song would make great spooning music... and then he and his granddaughter pull out some spoons and play along with the song.
- What about this employee made them so scary to some boys?
- A scam that was so horribly botched it left the employees wondering if it was staged.
- Well, this is one way to settle who gets the last game.
- "What's midnight?"
- This baker's "reaction" on discovering the customer he just meet isn't just a Buffy fan but also a Twilight fan.
- What makes it funnier is that when she says the word opposite-y, he concludes that she "picked it up from Meyer".
- “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, but we don’t allow open-drink containers in the library.”
- A little kid tries to order an infomercial product over the phone.
- A female customer claims that a store is cursed and attracts demons. Hearing this, a younger woman decides to run with the idea, pretending to be a demon, rotted deer mask and all. The first customer falls for it hook, line, and sinker.
- "All those poor Jedi..."
- "I didn’t understand him at first. I thought he was asking for a d*** pair of shoes!"
- Either this woman's been living under a rock for years, or time travel really does exist.
- “I said, you can F*** ME!” “I’m sorry. I can’t do that over the phone. You’ll have to come into the store. Or perhaps you’d like to involve my husband for a threesome?”
- “Well, it was too big to put in the sink.”
- These two stories involving customers who mistakenly had their computers upside down
- This woman repeatedly refuses the clerk's offer on the basis that said clerk is a girl, and blames her for her own mistakes. Let's just say that she causes her own Laser-Guided Karma via putting the (wrong kind of) motor oil in the radiator.
- "This isn’t working, how about we just end the call now? Get someone that speaks English since the rest of the questions I will have for you are just going to get harder."
- “I thought you didn’t like T.” “Oh, right. Well, then… get me a glass of iced ea.”
- "I’m gonna leave you guys a great review online. I wasn't expecting a complimentary comedy show when I made my reservation."
- "I'm a raging dykeasaurus."
- "Oh, I never drink water. It makes me rust!"
- “What are you talking about? I clawed my way up from Hell.”
- This self-referential story. Especially funny for Tropers.
- "I am Groot."
- "WELL, NOW ALL I HAVE IS A BACKWARDS SALAD!"
- "Aye. I took a shit in a pint glass." "Yeah, I'd say you're still barred."
- In order to make sure the workers don't put lemons with his water without becoming "that customer" in the process, this customer asks for "no fruits or vegetables". It normally works, but then a waitress turns the tables....
- In this story, a customer ignores an ICEE machine's instructions to put the lid on the cup before dispensing. Predictably, the idiot ends up covered in ICEE, and then another customer, the submitter, shows him up by successfully dispensing a (second) ICEE just by putting a lid on, all while mocking the glaring mistake he made.
- "THEY'RE BREEDING!"
- “Hi. Welcome to [Shop].”
- “I just went down to the e-coli farm for some sea ice. Want some?” "WELL, I NEVER!"
- "Eight bags of mulch!"
Not Always Romantic
- Not the answer he was expecting...
- This guy doesn't quite understand the meaning of the word "lesbian". Hilariously enough, he calls himself one after learning that the girl he's trying to flirt with turns out to be one. Also, he was flirting with her right in front of his girlfriend. Who dumped him and ended up dating the other girl.
- This woman subtly rickrolls her fiance with the first word of every text she sends him over the course of one day - she actually manages to make it seem like a normal part of the conversation too.
- Best Batman impression ever.
- This gift exchange. As in, they got the wrong gift.
- This trio of posts.
- Yes, he is my sweet donkey.
- This. "F**k you." "After we run." "...deal."
- You think I'd be all romantic during a zombie apocalypse? Sorry, too busy shitting myself for that.
- Random homeless guy.
- These two forgot it was Valentine's day. "Meh, let’s just get ice cream or something."
- A conversation between a husband and his pregnant wife:
Wife: "[Husband], you said that you would move those boxes for me!"Husband: "Well, you said that you weren't ovulating!"
- "Hello, belly button. I love you."
- This couple wonders why other people regularly check their partner’s phones. For fun, they decide to do just that, and learn that they've been cheating on each other... with each other.
- "Don’t get on the bus! The phalanges are broken!"
- "Digits? Seriously? What is this, 2006? You’re, like, 12, for god’s sake! GO TO BED, YOU UNDERAGE FOOLS!"
- "Who's that guy?" "That's my wife."
- "I've been. It's not worth the 50 cents."
- A couple in a long-distance relationship discuss how meeting up in person isn't practical because of logic, logistics, and llamas.
- There's Skewed Priorities, and then there's this.
Not Always Related
- Traumatizing your grandchildren: a time-honored way of keeping peace and quiet.
- "They brought you back."
- Super Baby!
- This little girl has an interesting way of playing with her dollies.
- "Who's there?" Eggnog!
- See! She thinks I'm cool.
- "I've given you enough secs already!"
- "What do you like to become when you grow up?" "Three!"
- THIS is how you stop hiccups.
- "Did…did you just say 'Ni'?" "Yes! I saw a shrubbery! Right by the side of the road! So I say to you, 'NI'".
- "My 4-year-old daughter is quite well-known for saying unusual and usually very funny things":
"Mummy, my favourite food in the whole world is ice cream, but my second favourite food is humans .... I’m a zombie cow. Moooooo brains!"
- One really, really hopes that this kid grew out of saying stuff like that.
- "The shower is not a TARDIS".
- "I hope you go back to God soon!"
- Two parents find a porn stash in the closet of the son they thought was gay and in the closet. Hilarity ensues.
- "I WISH TO DEVOUR THE UNBORN"
- “You’ll be happy to know that I’ve looked over the x-ray of your head, and I didn’t find anything at all.”
- This girl took Drugs Are Bad a bit too literally.
- “Let’s just say that I lost a bet.”
- “Sweetie, you weren’t very good at deleting your internet history back in high school.”
- "What does a duck say?"
- Going to university overseas? Boring! This family only wants to know if you're gay, straight or bi.....for a bet!
- Our friend owes you ten bucks because he bet that I was gay? ...Give him five back.
- "No way! Men can’t cook. You’ll get burnt! Pick up the phone and order Nanny to come back, or you’ll starve!"
- This family guessing about what their blind, gay son wants to confess to them. They have an active imagination.
- A daughter has a conversation using cards. This is the kind of stuff you'd expect to see in a comedic TV show.
- "I told you we'd fit!" "I am not sure that qualifies."
- A tale of payback, many years in the making.
- Eat the soup of doom!
- This poor guy had to endure the "It's a small world after all" for six hours.
- A mother is very fond of her onesie and wears it every evening. One evening her son sees her and says, "You look ridiculous." Note that the son is wearing a zebra print onesie, complete with ears, tail, and mane.
- "Daaaaad! Your zipper’s open, and now all of your stuff is falling out!"
- "SANCTUARY! SAAAAAANCTUARY! SANCTUARY!"
- "So, girls, what jobs do your Barbies have?" "Mine is a princess!" "Mine is a gold-digger!"
- "Mom! It's just a movie! AND STOP BLOWING HOLES IN MY SHIP!"
- This kid outsmarts his parent when they try to make good on a threat.
- This vice principal managed to recognize someone's STEAM account based upon a string of profanities and jargon their little sister used. More than that, the vice principal implies that they're the opponent her older brother was cursing at!
- Lucky In The Sky With Dinosaurs
- This dad plays dumb when giving a Christmas present, giving a Horton Hears a Who? DVD instead of Doctor Who. As it turns out, he gave a Doctor Who DVD as well.
- Doubling as an awesome moment, Ninja Brother dispatching a bully. Clinching it is the line at the end.
Sister: “WAIT!” *grabs her head* “WHEN DID I GET HIS HAT?!”
- "She's having a second baby. She's not trading in the first one."
- This guy just wants to get to work on time...
- How a euphemism for sleep suddenly turned into the submitter likely wishing they were the original definition of the word. The word being dead.
Not Always Learning
- This security guard's explanation of why he learned about electrical wiring reads like a Monty Python sketch:
"I lived in Kenya. When I was 14, my house caught fire from faulty wiring and burned down. When I was 18, my house caught fire from faulty wiring and burned down. When I was 22, my house caught fire from faulty wiring and burned down. So finally, I taught myself how to look at wires. When I was 23, a drunk man drove a truck into my house, and it caught fire and burned down. So I gave up and moved to America."
- The culmination of a college class' The Lord of the Rings jokes.
- "Oh my God! There really is a Narnia in here!"
- Best test ever.
- "When I was a kid, we had a magical place of wonder and fun where we could play and pretend to be whatever and wherever we wanted! (beat) It's called OUTSIDE."
- "No, I just like blue. You can tell your professor they’re full of s***."
- How do you draw black?
- "Well, you’re staring at your lap, your arms are moving, and you’re laughing. Either you’re looking at something funny on your phone or you’re doing something far more inappropriate during my lecture. Either way, please stop."
- This project certainly worked as intended.
- This kid's name is a pretty interesting one - George of the Jungle.
- This teacher details very clearly a defect in a science project (a long range optical communicator for computers).
(repeatedly passes between the two computers while flapping his lab coat) I’m a moth! I’m a dumb moth and I see light! Its very bright! I love this light!
- “I need to bring cookies to the lesson more often.”
- A professor gets into some hijinks with "brains".
- These kids made him HARD!
- This teacher showed her students a taping of a history program, that ended with some porn. Students asked her for months afterwards if they could borrow the video.
- A student wonders if anyone would be dumb enough to ignore the Silent Alarm door and open it. A year and a half later, three guesses what happens.
- A student at a trade school loses $10 to a vending machine. A teacher walks by and hears him swearing, and suggests that he solve the problem in an adult manner - namely, with a hammer.
- This child assumes the male supervisor is pregnant!
- This hilariously naïve solution to bullying, and the parents' reaction to it.
Parent #1: “Were you ever actually in middle school?”Principal: “Why, yes—”Parent #2: “You didn’t learn much from it, did you?”
- A religion teacher points out the Fridge Horror of the biblical flood... but only expresses dismay over the kittens that died, and none over everyone else.
- Perhaps Fifty Shades of Grey isn't completely useless after all.
- Some art students wind down after a semester by messing with some studio equipment. Unfortunately, there was also a tour happening, and they happen to witness the students' hijinks, but the guide manages to improvise quite well.
- “HEAR YE, HEAR YE, [STUDENT #1] DID EXCEPTIONALLY POOR ON HIS MIDTERM, AND DESERVES SHAAAAAME!”
- "A student in my geometry class has a habit of saying 'quiz-icle' instead of 'quiz,' in an effort to be funny." You can see the joke coming a mile away, but the teacher's response sells it.
- These girls' reactions to the submitter's Unsettling Gender Reveal.
- This submitter fell asleep in class during a film and upon waking up, discovers that the entire room is a mess and sees a fellow classmate being dragged away by security. The submitter's friend explains that the guy started throwing desks around after the teacher had told him off several times, all because he didn't want to watch the film and thought it was unfair that the submitter wasn't.
Me: "I always miss the good stuff."Friend: "You always cause the good stuff!"
- This principal gets the last laugh on his students.
- This hall monitor's method for teaching boys not to wear their pants too low: challenging them to a race, promising that they will be allowed to keep their pants down if they can beat him without ever pulling them up.
- This discussion of Disney songs.
Student #1: *apropo of nothing* “Nooooo onnnnnne DRINKS like Gaston. No one FIGHTS like Gaston—“Student #2: “No one falls off a tower and DIES like Gaston!”
- It's very rare someone gets a chance to use the famous YEAAAAAH! in response to a one-liner, but this "random passing student" manages to pull it off.
- "F*** OFF! HOW’S THAT FOR A COMMAND?"
- "OOOGA BOOGA!! OOOGA BOOGA!"
Professor: "So... why don’t you think you have souls?"Student: "Because I sold mine to the devil in order to finish my senior thesis."
- This choir teacher's various phrases. “In the second and third movement I kind of picture Mary and Jesus in the Millennium Falcon…” in particular, whether it makes sense in context or not.
- Harvey the Wonder Hamster.
- This reaction to what somebody undertaking TA Training would do if a student made sexual advances towards them.
"Okay, guys, really? ‘Let them; I’m lonely.’ is NOT the correct answer!"
- This teacher pranks a sleeping student by pretending an apocalypse happened while he was napping.
- "Apparently, in a class of 21 students, I was the only one who thought to wear gloves."
- Two similar-looking sisters prank a professor.
- "Eggbert! NOOOOOOOO!"
- An entire classroom, teacher included, pranks a student who fell asleep.
Not Always Friendly
- When sending someone a threatening note, make sure you know your spelling.
[...] The next day at school, I walk up to my ex-best friend, hand her the note back and walk off, smiling and calm. She opens it and starts screaming. I had corrected all her spelling and grammar mistakes in red pen!
- Why. Am. I. Wearing. Your. Kebab?
- Darth Vader tells a boy that he doesn't have to eat his vegetables. 'Cause Darth Vader is evil.
- This accidental text exchange with a complete stranger.
Stranger: “No problem. Have fun at the movie. And go for standard. 3D just isn’t quite worth the extra cost.”Submitter: “But it’s Doctor Who! Thanks.”Stranger: “Oh, well, then! Definitely, 3D! Spare no expense for Doctor Who!”
- Age Is But A Number But They’re Still Not Getting One:
About 12-Year-Old Boy: "You know, I would really like it if I got your number, babe.”18 or 19-Year-Old Woman: "Why? Do you need a babysitter?"
- I have no words.
Homeless man waving his arms: “AAAAHHHHHHH!”Submitter's girlfriend: “AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!”Homeless man: *blinks and wanders off*
- "We'd like to know if you've found Jesus yet." "Yeah, he's sitting on the couch. Do you need to talk to him?"
- This priest takes his football team very seriously.
- A big fan of Sherlock talks about the show to her best friend... except said friend has barely even heard of it.
"You know the guy who plays Sherlock?""Oh yeah, His name’s, like, Benny Cucumber or something, right?"
- I am the Ghost of Christmas Future!.
- You know that old joke? Woman looks at ugly painting, only to be told it's a mirror? Well, truth really IS stranger than fiction…
“Oh, my god! That girl is in the same cosplay as me!”
- “Where do you hide your nerds?! [...] No, not candy. Nerds! Guys who can’t get dates and sit around pretending to be wizards and barbarians and stuff!” He's just looking for somebody he can play DnD with. Good thing he happens to be talking with not one, but two people willing to let him join their group.
- Quick Carjack Turnaround.
“Isn’t it funny how I was just sitting on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere?”“What?!”“My car is broken down, genius. You just carjacked a dead lemon.”
- "Dude, like, what is bacon, you know, for real?" It only gets stranger and more hilarious from there.
Not Always Hopeless
Nothing here yet. Just wait...