Funny / King of the Hill

  • From the first episode, after Bobby lets Hank believe that they're still under investigation by child protective services.
    Hank: *sighs* It's hard, Peggy. I don't wanna lose my little boy... my only son. But... oh, it's hard.
    Peggy: Well, you can relax. The investigation has been off for a week, only... Bobby didn't tell us.
    Hank: I'LL KILL HIM!
    • Also, the pilot has brought us this gem:
      Hank: What you listening to, son?
      Bobby: I don't think you'll like it.
      Hank: Well, why not? I like this new generation of music.
      [Hank puts on Bobby's headphones.]
      Headphone Noise: (phone ringing) Hell-oooooo! (elongated farting)
      Hank: Mother of God, it's all toilet sounds! Where'd you record this?
      Bobby: I got it from the mall. It's The Funny Phone Jerks.
      Hank: Let me tell you, Bobby. There's nothing funny about these sounds. What that person on your tape has is a medical disorder.
    • After Dale expresses his Conspiracy Theorist opinion on global warming: "Dale, you giblet head! We live in Texas. It's already 110 in the summer, and if it gets one degree hotter I'm gonna kick your ass!"
      • Dale suggests the noise Hank has been hearing is "silent UN helicopters".
        "As you can tell, they're still working out the bugs."
    • When Peggy is defending Hank to the Children's Aid worker.
      Social Worker: Would you say your husband has a temper?
      Peggy: Who, Hank? No, Hank is as gentle as a lamb.
      [Hank throws open the door and storms in]
      Hank: God dangit!! No more bouncing that ball!!
      [grabs baseball Bobby is throwing at the wall and throws it out the door, almost hitting the social worker]
      Peggy: Hank, we have a visitor.
  • Hank's Imagine Spot of all the boys Luanne has dated in "Luanne's Saga": Buckley (who does donuts on his moped), a crazed tattoo artist who draws on his own skin, and a bald punk in a Black Flag shirt who bangs his head against a tree.
  • Bobby's impression of Hank on "Hank's Got the Willies": "Ah sell pro-pane and pro-pane accessories, Ah tell you hwut. Shut up, Dale!"
    • From the same episode, when Dale mentions a black helicopter conspiracy Usenet board:
    Boomhauer: Yeah mayn, I tell you hwhat mayn, that dang ol' Internet mayn. You just go on there'n point'n click, get in there, talkin' 'bout "W-W-W-dot-W-com" 'n you got them'n that naked chicks on there mayn. You go "click-clickclickclickclickclick", it's real easy mayn.
  • When Peggy gets obsessed with lawn gnomes and Hank breaks one, he tries to replace it by going to a store that specializes in them and buying one. As he has been bombarded with the highly detailed world of lawn gnome collecting, he is deeply uncomfortable with being in the store. When he selects the last statue of a rare gnome model, the other customer who wants it accuses Hank of not knowing anything about lawn gnomes.
    Hank: No, I don't know anything about gnomes. I AM NOT A DORK! I SELL PROPANE!
    • From the same episode:
    Bobby: I shall call him 'VANDOR'!
    Peggy: You will call him 'Winklebottom'!

    • Also, there's a Running Gag of Joseph and a motorbike he won off of Dale. Throughout the episode Joseph is seen driving reckless in the neighborhood and then, in Sight Gag at the episode's end, he is seen walking on the sidewalk in crutches.
  • From "Order of the Straight Arrow" in the first season, after Bobby accidentally kills an endangered whooping crane It was actually just knocked out:
    Dale: There were only five of those left in the world. [Beat] Welp, four now!
    Bill: Then we should be thankful we got the opportunity to see one.
    • When Dale tries to leave, most likely to make an anonymous tip to the authorities, he gets bound and gagged. The next morning, a forest ranger asks if they saw the whooping crane and mentions he was in the Straight Arrow when he was a kid. Then Dale hops out of his tent, bound and gagged.
      Ranger: Ah. I see the Order hasn't changed a bit since my day.
    • The ranger asks Boomhauer, who reveals everything in his Motor Mouth speech pattern.
      Ranger: Well if you see anything, let me know.
  • This Exchange from "Westie Side Story"
    Kahn: (after Hank offers him some propane for his barbeque) Are you kidding? I cook with Mesquite. Give meat nice taste of wood.
    Hank: And I cook with propane. Gives meat nice taste of meat.
  • In one episode, Minh joins Dale's gun club in order to train for a skeet-shooting contest. After she feels she is ready, she quits the club and mocks them for thinking she was their friend. Dale angrily launches her plaque into the air and opens fire on it... only to miss every shot. He and the rest of the club try it again and release their full salvo of bullets... and they still miss.
    • Earlier in the episode, when she's trying to get on the skeet team, and is talking to the lady in charge. Keep in mind, they're in the middle of a fancy country club.
      Minh: (pulls out a handgun) Name a target, I guarantee I nail it.
    • When Dale's gun club decides to storm the country club to get back at Minh, they're blown away by the fanciness of the place and completely forget why they're there in the first place.
    (looking at the luxurious pools) "Good heavens, it's Atlantis!"
    (one sticks his head in the pool and resurfaces) "They got music under the water!"
    (they all stick their heads into the pool)
    • While Minh is in the gun club, they teach her to "howl like a werewolf". At the end of the episode, after they've made up, she answers her cellphone and howls at them in greeting, forgetting that she's with the country clubbers, who all stare at her.
  • Another first season exchange from "Hank's Got The Willies", where Bobby tries to sort things out with Willie Nelson after he hit him in the head while golfing.
    Willie: Hey, you look familiar. Aren't you the kid who rakes my lawn?
    Bobby: No sir, I'm the one who hit you in the head.
    Willie: With a rake?
    Bobby: With a golf club.
    Willie: You've been raking my lawn with a golf club? I want my quarter back.
  • Hank and his friends try to straighten out a trailer home that's been turned on its side. In the first attempt, they hook it up to the winch, but accidentally reel the truck to the hook, with Hank's truck ending up on the now completely upside down trailer. Next, they put a few planks so that the truck can drive straight off. It works, thus flipping the trailer over. But while Boomhauer is giving a thumbs-up from the cab of the truck, he crashes into another trailer, which promptly rolls over. The four guys get up and drive away.
    • From that same episode:
    Hank (answering the phone): Hello?
    Harsh Voice: You don't know who I am, but I know where you live and if you teach that sex-ed class so help me I...
    Hank: Dale?
    Dale: Oh, Hank. Is Peggy there?
    Hank: Peggy, it's for you. It's Dale.
    Peggy: Yello, Dale.
    Dale (harsh voice): You don't know who I am...
    Peggy (on answering machine): Hello. You have reached the Hill residence. Please leave a message at the tone.
    Dale (harsh voice): You don't know who I am but I know where you live Sex-Ed teacher, and you'd better cut it out if you know what's good for you. (normal voice) Oh, and Hank. We changed the tee-off time to three o'olock. See ya.
  • In Plastic White Female, after getting fed up with Bobby using Luanne's test model head to practice talking with girls, Hank slices it in half and completely forgets Luanne needed the head for her test. He can only reply with a sheepish smile...and gets forced to be Luanne's test model head in her test the next day. She at first gets an "F" by her Jerkass instructor for not bringing the real deal, until Hank shows the teacher what she did right and what she did wrong on his haircut.
    Hank: What a bitch.
    • At the end of the episode, Bobby plays spin the bottle in the basement at Joseph's party and spins the bottle for last. Joseph's parents enter, they argue about whether to stop the kids from playing or not, the bottle comes to a halt and lands on Nancy...and a determined Bobby lunges at her to kiss her, ending with a crude shot of him flying towards a terrified Nancy.
  • Dale: Gentlemen, the crap has literally been scared out of me.
    • A lot of stuff in that episode is just comic gold. Especially Dale's stuff. "Given what I know about Bill, and cover-ups, I'd say he was used in the Army's attempted assassination of boxing promoter Bob Arum." And later on, he takes the tank Bill stole and squashes Kahn's new SUV with it.
      • Hank's reaction to the SUV getting run over just makes it even funnier.
      Hank: Dammit Dale, I told you. You just hit a curb.
  • "That's a clean burning hell, I tell you what."
  • Dale and Bill cheerfully singing the Beefaroni jingle just before Bill abruptly starts bawling his eyes out in "The Trouble with Gribbles." The reason Bill started crying is actually pretty sad (because Dale is being emotionally abusive to his wife as part of a Frivolous Lawsuit scam), but the sheer Mood Whiplash of the moment is just hilarious.
  • Cotton has a pretty good one when he admits to Hank that Hank is a better father than he was. Could be considered a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming if it weren't quite possibly the greatest example of a backhanded compliment ever seen.
    Cotton: Well of course you're a better father than me, Hank. You raised Bobby! All I raised was you!
  • "[Bobby] looks like the kid on the paint can!" (Referring to the "Little Dutch Boy.").
    • Also from that episode (Named "A Beer Can Named Desire"): Attempting to keep Bill's dandified cousin Gilbert from influencing Bobby, Hank volunteers to sit next to him at dinner, with the excuse that they can discuss sports. This leads to the following exchange:
      Hank: So, Gilbert, how do the Saints look this year?
      Gilbert: Oh, I am more familiar with sinners than saints, my dear. And sinners always look good.
      • From the same episode: Hank tossing Bobby's dandy clothes that Gilbert gave him out the hotel window.
  • From "Blood and Sauce": Hank calling Gilbert out for yelling at Bill with this line, "I keep hearing about the 'Dauterive pride', but all I see are a crying drunk and an angry sissy. If you've got any real pride, stop kicking a man when he's down! You wanna talk more about this, you and I will do it outside!"
    • Gilbert making friends with the homeless man at the bus station.
    • When Bill calls for his entire clan to come visit him to keep him company, Gilbert comes... and no one else does.
      Bill: There's no one but us? But what about Aunt Esthme and Cousin Violetta?
      Gilbert: Aunt Esthme died of fever, Violetta died suddenly in her sleep - the swamp takes what it calls its own. Let me tell you of our ill-fated kin: (points at people in an old family photograph) consumption, drink, impostor, madhouse, public madhouse, barren, barren, barren - well, pretty much this whole left side. Leaving only us.
    • Gilbert thinking Mr. Strickland's offer to take him to the French Quarter is a sexual come-on, and Buck backing out when he realizes what's going on. It's the subtext that makes this funny.
    • Bill and Bobby discuss cooking.
    Bobby: Mr. Dauterive, there's a blender right there with a "chop" setting. I bet it could get through these onions in no time.
    Bill: (chuckles knowingly) Well, that's fine if I'm grinding up old sandwiches for breakfast hash, but as my Uncle Honore always said, "Shortcuts taste like un chien mort!note  (spits) Eh?"
  • While visiting the Dallas Cowboys training camp, Hank and Bobby check out the Strickland Propane Wichita Falls branch. The guys working there are jackasses who hate Texas, and start singing the Oklahoma Sooners' fight song while Hank tries to plug his ears and drown them out with the Cowboys' song.
  • The owner of a mom n' pop convenience store lets Hank go without paying the change on a sale. Cue this gem of an exchange:
    Ma: Now I know why they call you "pa", cause you're "pa"-thetic!
    Pa: And I know why they call you "ma", cause you're always riding "ma" ass!
  • During a Christmas Episode, after Bill fails an attempt at suicide and Hank tries to convince him that Lenore will never come back by crushing the presents Bill had for her, Bill loses his sanity and starts to crossdress as Lenore, leading to one of the best quotes in the series:
    Bill: (in a high voice) Why do you keep calling me (voice suddenly lowers) Bill? (voice goes up again) My name is Lenore.
    • The ending, where Hank puts on a dress and pretends to be Lenore to bring Bill closure. After Bill tells "Lenore" to go away and Hank and Bill take of the dresses, Dale is in the background wearing a dress unnoticed, then runs off when he sees Hank and Bill aren't wearing dresses anymore.
    • Same episode- Bill is still pretending to be Lenore, and asks if she should go get Bill. Dale's response?
      I'm skeptical that you can, yet intrigued that you may.
  • The ending of the episode with the emus.
  • Cotton Hill's introduction to Kahn Souphanousinphone:
    Hank: This is my new neighbor.
    Dale: He's Japanese.
    Cotton: [after a second] No he ain't. He's Laotian. Ain't you, Mr. Kahn?
    [Kahn, who tried telling his new neighbors he was from Laos when he met them, looks plainly shocked]
  • I bit a Nazi's windpipe in half!!!
  • Hank kicking Jimmy Wichard's ass. Really nice to know that kicking somebody's ass is more than just an empty threat or a catchphrase with Hank.
  • Hank Hill at the end of "Ho Yeah!" Could also count as a Moment of Awesome.
    • Please note that while he was doing this he was wearing a pimp hat, driving a Cadillac car (which he got from Cotton while he went to a swap meet), and had both Peggy and a houseguest in the backseat while they both were dressed like hookers (one of which was actually a Hooker, try to guess which one) And the person he was chewing out was a Pimp from OKC. Immediately after this, Dale begged Hank not to "turn him out" claiming he is "no good" and to ask his wife to verify this.
      • The pimp was voiced by Snoop, too!
    • His "trap" when trying to shake off the pimp that is chasing him with his car: he waits on a yellow light just long enough so he can be the only one to cross before the light turns red. Hank is aghast when he sees the pimp crossing on the red light.
  • After Bobby kicks Hank in the groin:
    • Same episode:
      Peggy: Nice try, Bobby, but I think you'll find that I have no testicles.
  • Kahn and Minh are watching and listening in on the Hills feuding on their lawn in "The Incredible Hank".
    Kahn: Why he point at his crotch like that?
    Hank: You want me to put a patch on my what?!
    Kahn: Okay, this is going in a weird direction.
    • Also from that episode, Hank completely unravels Dale's crazy theory involving clones and Mongols. Curious how Hank manages to remember all that nonsense:
    Dale: So as it turns out, I'm not the real Dale Gribble, but a clone of him. The real me is a superwarrior from the year 2087 sent back in time to get me (i.e. I) to help fight off the invading Mongolian armies.
    Hank: Dale, that's asinine. And here's four reasons why. One, you're not gonna clone a superwarrior out of a guy who can't win a thumb wrestling match.
    Dale: But-
    Hank: Two, you've sworn your whole life that the robots will exterminate the clones by the end of 2010. So which is it? Robots or clones?
    Dale: Well, I-
    Hank: Three, you've already said that you sympathize with the invading Mongolian armies of 2087, so you'd be the last one they'd send to fight them. {With a smirk.} And four, if you were from the future, you would have seen this coming.
    {Hank slugs Dale in shoulder. Boomhauer and Bill applaud.}
    • And the gag of Dale inviting Joseph (who's dealing with his own excess of testosterone) to playfully tussle with him, only to get his ass royally kicked offscreen:
    Dale: "AAAHH! It just hurts so DAMN much!!"
  • The Newspaper article from the Smoking Bandit:
    Newspaper: According to the sheriff's department, one of the unexpected dangers of the smoking brouhaha is the possibility of copycat Smoking Bandits all over town.
  • Peggy, on trial for kidnapping in Mexico, butchering the Spanish language in her defense:
    Peggy: <Your Honor, I can see that you are a reasonable horse. I am very pregnant because of what happened with Lupe. She ate my bus accident and all I wanted was to make Lupe into a book. I have too many good anuses ahead of me to spend them in a cigar factory.>
    • Making that a Bilingual Bonus is that many of those are common "false friends" that trip up unskilled Spanish speakers. Embarrassed/Pregnant and Years/Anuses are very easy to mistake.
  • Cotton, during the episode where he dies, managed to fake it at least twice beforehand. When he finally dies for real:
    Peggy: He's gone.
    Hank: (beat) Are you sure?
  • Dale's falcon.
  • "They put salmon in the fish tacos!"
  • Dale showing Nancy his plan for procuring fresh meat after the Y2K apocalypse, which is a pair of breeding hamsters:
    Nancy: "Uh, Dale, shug? One of those is a gerbil."
    Dale: "You laugh now, but after a few weeks of eating nothing but irradiated cockroaches, you will be begging for gerbster!"
    • And, of course, the end result of his harebrained plan: "My DEEEEEW!!"
  • (Upon learning that Bobby, Connie, and Joseph are home alone.) Joseph: "WE SHOULD PEE IN PLACES WHERE PEE SHOULDN'T GO!"
  • The entirety of the episode "A Firefighting We Will Go." The funniest moment most likely when all four of the guys fall into Chet's grave. While pantsing the man's corpse.
    • Another part is where Boomhauer has to tell his version of a story that involves himself, Dale, Bill and Hank, with the other three all speaking like Boomhauer....while Boomhauer actually speaks normally and is understandable!
      Dale: Hey, tell you what, the dang ol' detector, man. Talkin' about government take away freedom of smoke, man. Tell you what, dang ol' yo, man... gih.
      Hank: Hey, man, I'll tell you what, man that dang ol' boy ain't right, man. Talkin' 'bout gonna kick that dang ol' ass, man.
      Boomhauer: For God's sake, Hank. Act like an adult, man. And keep it down, guys, will you? I'm trying to get through an article on vintage Camaros and I've been on the same dang page for 20 minutes.
      Bill: Dang ol', pretty pretty pizza, I'll tell you what.
    • "I'm a fireman! I'm a HUDJIBAH!"
    • The set-up for the episode is that the guys are in trouble with the fire chief. Cue this exchange when the chief tells them they might face charges:
      Dale: My name is Rusty Shackleford. I refuse to speak without my attorney. (stands up and removes his hat) My name is Rusty Shackleford. I am Mr. Shackleford's attorney. My client pleads insanity.
      Bill: My name is Dauterive, Bill. I am also insane.
    • The news that Chet Elderson died. That's not the funny part as much as the men's reactions.
      Heck: *solemnly* I got bad news, men... Chet Elderson died. Natural causes.
      Boomhauer: Oh.. bummer.
      Hank: What a shame.
      Dale: Very sad.
      Bill: *cuts a loud fart*
      Heck: *looking up and seeing Bill's ass sticking out from the fire pole area* Oh, for crying out loud!
  • The end of "Its Not Easy Being Green" when Boomhauer forces Bill and Dale to drive back his Mustang after its been at the bottom of the quarry for 20 years.
    Bill: (after engine won't start) You're flooding it!
  • All of the scenes at The Arlen Barn in "Uncool Customer".
  • Washington. Hitler. Washington. Hitler.
    • I call this "Industrial Penis #5".
  • "But...Boomhauer's got a bad leg..."
  • Every time Dale closes his eyes, he sees strange characters chasing colorful geometric shapes in a dark infinite limbo. He has stopped closing his eyes.
  • One episode, Peggy mentions to Hank that Nancy only sleeps with Dale on Christmas and his birthday. Later in the episode, after she ends up telling Peggy that she slept with Dale after a date...
    Peggy: Oh my god, we forgot his birthday!
  • "The Wedding of Bobby Hill" had two CMOFs, the first being when Bobby (who had recently switched Luanne's birth control pills with candy in their escallating prank war) exclaimed to Hank in horror, "Dad! I've gotten Luanne pregnant!" (she wasn't, though) and then when Hank decides to teach Bobby and Luanne a lesson about pranking tells Bobby that he now has to marry Luanne, and sets up a fake wedding in the backyard. Kahn sees this from his side of the fence and says ever so merrily, "Mihn, it's finally happened! Hillbilly neighbor marry trailer trash cousin! You owe me five dollars! In your face!"
    Luanne: Uncle Hank! Bobby's trying to get out of marrying me!
    Hank (offscreen): Bobby, you cut that out!
  • The pilot. The first time you see Joseph.
  • After one of Dale's ramblings in "Dale to the Chief", Hank says "Did you mean to put all those words in that order or did they just fall out like that?"
  • In The Petriot Act, Hank takes care of a pet in excitement after watching Bill enjoying taking care of a dog from a soldier. To his dismay, the pet turns out to be a super aggressive cat that makes his family's life a living hell. Amusing Injuries follow Hank, not to mention he's scammed multiple times for trying to take care of the animal.
  • In one episode, Luanne becomes convinced that Halloween is satanic and this ensues (after Harper stops Hank from having a haunted house at school and Peggy suggests they do a garage haunted house):
    Luanne: Nuh-uh, Uncle Hank, you could go to hell. See, Judy Harper says that haunted houses are the Devil's mousetrap, and fun is the cheese.
    Hank: Luanne, just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep talkin'!
    • "I knew the risks when I put on the uniform."
    • "Check it out man, don't need no dang ol' costume, man. Hadda put onna dang ol' mime, man. Looksit like I'm tryin' get outta this dang ol' box, man. See- WHOA! Gonn' play tugga war, man."
    Dale: I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist peddling influence... Who wants candy?
    • When Hank leads a march to the "Hell House" to confront Harper, Bill joins the crowd dressed as a Bedsheet Ghost, but the sheet gets caught on his foot and ripped. He improvises.
    Bill: Here comes the ghost! (*rip!*) Oh...TOGA!
  • "I'm not a chick, I'm a dude!" *WHAM!!*
  • "Pocket sand!"
  • The end of "Texas City Twister", with Hank vs. the tornado.
  • The end of an episode where Bobby, Connie, and Joseph were lost in a cave.
    Bobby: What were you eating under there?
    Joseph: Under where?
    Bobby: (singsong) You were eating underwear!
  • The Hills go to Mexico. During their stay, Peggy is given a mysterious package to deliver, Luanne buys some dubiously legal turtle-based makeup, and Bobby attempts to blow up a firecracker against a mascot statue. Later, in their hotel room, some police knock on their door. Everyone panics, assuming themselves to be in trouble.
    Peggy: [attempting to force the package down the toilet] No one makes a fool out of Peggy Hill!
    Luanne: Quick, we all have to put on makeup! [hands Bobby lipstick and starts applying blush to herself]
    Bobby: [sobbing] This tastes like turtles.
    (Meanwhile, Dale sneaks out through the window)
    • Hank finally drags everyone together to answer the door. The police are greeted by a group of four, three of whom are either soaking wet or messily covered in makeup.
    Hank: We have nothing to hide.
    Dale: (falls off roof and past window in background, screaming)
  • In "Nancy Does Dallas", she comes drunk to the parade she got into by accusing the top reporters of the Dallas news crew.
    Assistant: Ugh, are you drunk? We need to get makeup ready stat.
    Nancy: (In a dark tone) I could have you killed.
  • In one episode, the Hills meet Lucky's sister Myrna. When Peggy offers to get them juice, Myrna says that they don't drink juice, they'll just have water and read a book. As they walk off, Bobby says "Those kids ain't right."
    • Hank: "I tell you what, this Goofus is a dumbass."
  • Luanne has just given birth. She's very clearly been drugged:
    Luanne: I've decided that we're going to name her after something we both love... Lasagna. Lasagna Kleinschmidt.
    Peggy: They gave you the good stuff, didn't they?
    Luanne: No, we just like lasagna.
  • Dale, after figuring out that Bill's new girlfriend is the mother of Joseph's half-sister, seeks help from John Redcorn:
    Dale: John Redcorn! I bet you could romance a woman out of a relationship with a giant doofus!
    John Redcorn: Dale, are you asking me to steal your friend's companion?
    Dale: I don't want to see my child being raised by an IDIOT!
    John Redcorn: ....Yes, it's very difficult to watch an idiot raise your child.
  • Hank in the final episode: "What you're seeing is team spirit. It's like the Holy Spirit, only more powerful."
  • "Hey, Gribble... I can see your dad's junk."
  • Pretty much any time Dale mentions that he thinks John Redcorn is gay.
  • In "Doggone Crazy", Hank and Peggy hear Ladybird barking late at night. Thinking that there is a robber inside the house, the two arm themselves: Hank with a golf club, and Peggy with a...
    Hank: A butcher's knife? [Beat] Alright.
    • Hank trying to calm Ladybird down through the dog spiritualist's remedies. He has Hank walk Ladybird as if he was blind in front of his friends.
    Dale: You know, all Hank needs to wear is a monocle to be Mr. Peanut.
    • And then when Ladybird is accidentally let loose at the local retirement center during a thunderstorm which makes her vicious and dangerous:
    Peggy: Everyone, stay calm!
    Old Man: We are calm.
    Peggy: Well, you shouldn't be because there's a vicious dog on the loose!
  • Bobby trying to teach Peggy to ride a bike. Pretty much the whole thing, but special mention goes to this gem.
    Peggy: Don't let go, don't let go.
    Bobby lets go, and she rides off without any issues.
    Dale: He let go!
    Peggy screams, and crashes off screen. Bobby glares at Dale.
    Dale: Well, you did.
  • "He's already got the black vote. Earl. And the gay vote. Earl."
    • Gets a call back later in the episode when Earl declares "There's only one man I'd take a bullet for, and he's at home making my supper!"
  • From "The Miseducation of Bobby Hill", there's Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer's failed homemade weather balloon, which ends with Bill getting tangled in a tree in Mexico and a bunch of hoodlum kids "mistaking" him for a piñata. When he makes it back, he limps over to them with his shirt mostly gone and a tattoo across his stomach, then hands Dale the balloons telling him "Your turn" before collapsing.
  • Kahn's...unique take on "Mickey".
    • And the time he sang "She Blinded Me With Science" at a mariachi trio to drive them away.
  • In "The Arrowhead", Hank's yard is being torn up by a Jerkass archaeology professor hunting for Native American artifacts. When Hank complains, Bill compares it to the depredations suffered by the Natives and sheds a single tear...and then crumples up his beer can and throws it on the groundnote .
    • At the end of that same episode, the Jerkass archaeologist smugly declares that he probably could have scored Peggy for the price of a fake bracelet. Hank grabs him by the shirt and throws him into the pit they've dug in his lawn. The archaeologist tries climbing out, but Hank shoves him back in. After three of these, he remarks "Okay, so you've proven that you're stronger than me..."; this time, Peggy shoves him in. Fade to the credits as he tries to save face by claiming "I WANT you to push me in!", followed by Bobby saying "Okay" and the sound of him hitting ground again. And then during The Stinger we hear "You know, you'll get tired of this long before I do." *THUD!*
  • BILL! Bill, you have to be the stupidest man on the planet to think this is a good idea! Have you seen what you're wearing?! That outfit makes you look like a sequined train wreck! LOOK AT YOU! YOU'RE PART OF A TWELVE-HEADED JACKASS!!! This! Chorus! Is the feces, that is produced when shame eats too much stupidity!! You people make me envy the DEAF AND THE BLIND!! ...Underwear...Money...FAT!!
    • Dale was holding it in all episode and just let it all out. By the end, he's out of breath and ready to collapse.
  • From "Death of a Propane Salesman":
    Dooley: (to Bobby) Your dad got blown up.
    • Also when Dale is trying to pitch a conspiracy theory to the investigators poking through the rubble of the Mega-Lo-Mart. The investigator calmly rebuffs his theories while doing his job and offers a sane, thought out rebuttal. Then Dale hits him with the conspiracy theorist's Catch-Phrase.
      Dale: Sure, that's just what they want you to think.
      Investigator: Sir? We are "they".
      Dale screams and runs off.
    • Black comedy in a way, but at the start of the episode, straight after Luanne's reaction to losing her hair, one of the firemen rescue Chuck Mangione from the rubble of the Mega-Lo-Mart. His hat's smouldering and he's clinging onto his flugelhorn for dear life with a look of total shock on his face. What he says sells the scene.
      Chuck: I don't feel so good...
  • From "Movin' On Up", after Luanne accidentally walks in on Hank and Peggy about to have sex:
    Luanne: I thought you guys were sleeping. (snickers) But you guys weren't sleeping!
    Hank: Exit the master bedroom now!
    • When Bobby notices one of Luanne's roommates shaving his legs:
    Bobby: Guys can shave their legs too? That's very interesting.
    Hank: (urgently) Peggy.
    Peggy: Bobby!
    Bobby: Sorry, dad.
  • Peggy trying to speak to a French man in Spanish ("They're the same thing", she says), then promptly getting shown up by Bill who happens to be fluent in French.
    • Also a bit of a Brick Joke, since we find out he has family in New Orleans, so he probably learned it there.
  • The stingers, which usually involve an out-of-context line from the episode:
    • "Yankee Hankee":
    Cotton: Well, I suppose...... SUCKER PUNCH!
    • "New Cowboy on the Block":
    Hank: Rock on!
    Kahn: Yes hello, rock on.
    • "Bad Girls, Bad Girls, Whatcha Gonna Do":
    Bobby: Man, I'm just keepin' it real, dawg.
    • "Traffic Jam":
    Toenail: BAM! Now THAT'S what I call general haberdashery!
    • "Return to La Grunta":
    Hank: I never get brunch...
    • "It's Not Easy Being Green":
    Hank: No, no, no, heh, no, heh.... NO.
    • "Hank and the Great Glass Elevator":
    Hank: I'm doin' it! I'm a mooner!
    • "A Firefighting We Will Go":
    Dale: Bicky-bi-be-bo-bo-bicky-bi-bo!
    • "Nine Pretty Darn Angry Men":
    Cotton: Pump jockey!
    Hank: I am not -
    Cotton: Works for tips!
    • "Hank Gets Dusted":
    Hank: It's time to rock.
    • "The Wedding of Bobby Hill":
    Bobby: I don't think I'm ready for this yet!!
  • Joe Jack has some good One Liners. One time he was practicing Yoga with Hank and Enrique and he said "I feel my chakra straightening out, honey!"
  • In "Nine Pretty Darn Angry Men" Cotton and Hank attend a mower focus group the day after Thanksgiving dinner and Cotton keeps saying horrible, hilarious things about Hank's mom:
    Cotton: Your mower's obsolete Hank! When something gets old and tired you gotta trade up!
    Hank: You mean like you traded in mother for Didi?
    Cotton: I didn't trade your momma in, a trade-in has some value... I scrapped her!
  • Most of "Peggy's Turtle Song," but especially any scene with Bobby on ADD medication (The last part of the line doubles as the episode's stinger).
    There's some milk in the fridge that's about to go bad... and there it goes.
    • The ending to the episode deserves special mention - after a stressed-out Luanne takes one of Bobby's ADD pills, Hank, Peggy and Bobby return home to find a hyperactive Luanne trimming the bushes outside their home into various shapes. The zany music in the background completes the scene.
  • This line from Hank, taken out of context, is hilarious:
    Hank: Grip it! Grip it! Why don't ya grip it?!
  • This exchange:
    Bill:"So, how long you been celibate?"
    Monk:"Three years."
    Bill:"The fourth year's the hardest."
    • Cue look of WTF from the monk.
  • Followed immediately by:
    Hank:"I'm going to kick your ass!"
    Monk:"If my ass will be kicked, then it will be kicked."
  • Dale trying to use his own pest-control chemicals to get rid of head-lice. It goes about as well as you'd expect.
    Dale: (Calmly) Hmm...Itching, burning, burning...more itching...tingling...blindness...itching, itching, burning...intense burning...Hank, get your hose. (Screams) NOW!
  • Dale represents himself at a trial:
    Dale: Objection conjecture! OBJECTURE!
    Hank: That is not a word!
  • When Hank finds out that Peggy and Bobby have been using charcoal for grilling rather than propane, and Peggy trying to make excuses:
    Peggy: Luanne asked me to hold it for her, I thought it was drugs!
  • When Hank and his half-brother Junichiro are tracking Cotton, the latter gets a tip that Cotton is at the train station, where he bought a ticket and, according to the tipster, "dishonored a pay toilet".
    Hank: The Hill brothers are on the case!
    Junichiro: Hai! (smiles)
  • There's also the moment when Hank and Junichiro first meet, with the latter giving a complementary "HOAH!" to match Hank's signature "BWAA!"
  • In "When Joseph Met Lori, and Made Out with Her in the Janitor's Closet", Bobby tries to lie to cover up what Joseph did in the janitor's closet:
    Bobby: He was just, um, selling drugs.
    Hank: That was an awful lie, son. Terrible.
  • In "The Buck Stops Here," Bill randomly bringing up a dream before Hank cuts him off:
    Bill: I had a dream last night where we [himself, Hank, Dale, and Boomhauer] were all naked. Except for you, Hank, you had these tiny clear plastic underpants on. Actually, they weren't doing you any good, because you could see everything. But the weird part was—
  • In "Peggy the Boggle Champ", Hank trying to coach Peggy, who's crying because she lost:
    Hank: You know, coach used to say something to fire us up when we're behind.
    Peggy: Yeah, what?
    Hank: Loser! You're a loser! Are you feeling sorry for yourself?! Well, you should be, because you are dirt! You make me sick, you big baby! Baby want a bottle? A big dirt bottle?!
    Peggy: (still crying) Why are you yelling at me?
  • In "Hank's Choice" Bobby ends up living in the dog house that Hank built for Ladybird. It's funny enough that everybody treats this as him legit moving out on his own, but the funniest moment comes when Dale and Bill toss a frisbee over his little dog-fence. Bobby's reaction when they ask for it back is to scowl at them like an old man, put it under his arm and crawl into his doghouse with it.
    Bobby: I get one more frisbee, I'm opening a store!
  • This exchange:
    Nancy: Dale! Get out of the hot tub; we're stealing a news van!
    Dale: It's the perfect crime. How will they ever report it?!
  • From "An Officer and a Gentle Boy":
    Cotton: Combat bowl? The only bowl he's supposed to make is from a hollowed-out skull! (waddles off and makes a funny noise)
  • A couple more stingers.
    • "Naked Ambition":
    Dale: Did you just say "Go, Mom"?
    • "The Man Who Shot Cane Skreetburg":
    Bobby: Dad! The raccoons are back!
    • "Hilloween":
    Young Boomhauer: Dang ol' boo, man.
    • "Death And Texas":
    Bobby: All sloppy and no Joe.
    • "Dog Dale Afternoon":
    Dale: Can you mow your lawn in a hurricane? Nope, didn't think so! Hahaha!
    • "Aisle 8A"
    Peggy: Do you want to be in charge?
    Hank: No.
    • "Sleight Of Hank":
    Dale: You are so clueless!
    • "Pretty, Pretty Dresses":
    Bill: Why do you keep calling me Bill?
    • "High Anxiety":
    Bobby: I said "Good day", sheriff!
    • "Ho Yeah":
    Hank: Alabaster!
    • "Tankin' It To The Streets":
    Dale: (ding) Cookies!
    • "Spin The Choice":
    Hank: Oh my God, it's so juicy! (Bobby screams)
    • "Racist Dawg":
    Bobby: Here ki-ki-ki-ki.
    • "Dances With Dogs":
    Bill: Now just move your paw—- (screams)
    • "Queasy Rider":
    Hank: He had a crushed pelvis.
    Bobby: AND A CAPE!
    • "An Officer and a Gentle Boy"
    Cotton:WHAT THE-You made a boooowwwwl?
  • In "Not in My Back Hoe", when Hank spends more time with Hal:
    Dale: We're bein' phased out.
    Bill: Out!
  • At the end of "The Buck Stops Here" Hank saves Bobby and Mr. Strickland from a group of angry gamblers. Buck jumps into the bed and, as they are driving away, taunts the pursuing gamblers. Hank immediately slows down so the gamblers catch up to them and punch Mr. Strickland out. Much to Hank's satisfaction.
  • The Hills trying to find a new church after losing their usual seating spots at their local church in "Church Hopping." In Eduardo's Spanish church, the lack of a knee rest cushion makes Hank hit himself on the chin and fall down.
  • In "Now Who's the Dummy?", after Dale puts the titular dummy through a woodchipper and Hank threatens to kick his ass, Dale breaks out his escape plan: Chloroforming himself.
    Dale: You wouldn't hit an unconscious maaaa... *falls unconscious, Hank kicks him aside*
    • The ending to the episode, where Hank and Bobby scare Dale with the new ventriloquist's dummy fashioned after Bobby through his CCTV camera (which alerts him of a "perimeter breach" in Dale's voice), Dale screams in panic and chloroforms himself again.
    Dale: You'll never catch Dale Griiiibbbbbb.... *Collapses*
    Hank: *chuckles* You were right, Bobbies. Ventriloquism is fun!
    • Whenever we see Dale's crazy equipment or procedures around his house- like when Hank tried to turn off the TV in "The Texas Skillsaw Massacre", and an explosion erupts. "There goes the mailbox." Turns out, Dale rigged his and Hank's mailboxes to explode for some reason.
  • And even more stingers!
    • The Arrowhead (Continuing the scene from before the credits)
    Professor Lerner: You'll get tired of this long before I do! *THUD!*
    • The Son That Got Away
    Kahn: Long, painful, boring death!
    • Movin' On Up
    Dale: Truth or dare?
    Bill: DARE!
    Hank: Ugh...
    • Transnational Amusements Presents: Peggy's Magic Sex Feet
    Bobby: Who? Who in the media tricked you? (Given the 20th Century Fox Television logo follows, the line being out of context provides some funny irony)
    • Father of the Bribe
    Kahn: FAT WHITE LUMP!!
    • Torch Song Hillogy
    Bill Mmm hmm, eh...Heyyyy!
    • Board Games
    • Ceci N'Est Pas Une King of the Hill
    Artist: Washington, Hitler! Washington, Hitler!
    • Pour Some Sugar on Kahn
    General Gum: Drag and drop!
    Kahn: But I...
    General Gum: Drag and drop!
    Donna: Who wants to get kicked in the ding-dong?
    • Bwah My Nose
    Hank: Is it so wrong to be beautiful?
    • Bad News Bill
    Hank: About your outfit, Bill... No.
    • Returning Japanese (Part 1) note 
    Hotel Clerk: The cologne has displeased you.
    • Luanne Gets Lucky
    Luanne: Summon your amazing strength!
    • Three Men And A Bastard note 
    Joseph: *cackles madly*
  • "Love Hurts, and So Does Art", when Hank assumes that people are looking at a picture of himself in high school and not a picture of his colon:
    Peggy: Wonder what they're all staring at.
    Hank: Probably the best running back Arlen High has ever known.
    Peggy: That's what I was staring at the whole ride here.
    Hank: (chuckles; modestly) Well, you know...
  • In "Three Coaches and a Bobby", Coach Lucas asks Hank for his email address:
    Hank: It's called "!"
  • "It's a leaf blower, Bill, not a jetpack."
    • And Bill's genuine disappointment at this.
  • In "Reborn to be Wild", Hank doesn't approve of Bobby's new found friend Pastor K, the lead singer of a Christian Rock band, which leads to this exchange.
    Pastor K: You people are all the same. You look at us and think we're freaks. Come on. Even Jesus had long hair!
    Hank: Only because I wasn't his dad.
  • In "High Anxiety", after Hank's been nervous about being arrested for accidentally smoking pot:
    Hank: I want you to promise me you won't ever do drugs, Bobby.
    Bobby: I promise.
    Hank: (distraught) A promise means nothing when a junkie tricks you into smoking a joint, when you think it's a cigarette, which you shouldn't smoke either, now promise me!
    Bobby: Okay, I promise!
    Hank: (morose) Promises mean nothing.
    Bobby: (firmly) Dad, I'm not gonna do drugs, 'cause drugs are for losers.
    Hank: (guiltily) Ugh...
    Bobby: Plus, I wanna be the first chubby comic to live past thirty-five!
  • In "Hank's Unmentionable Problem", Hank has to deal with constipation for over several days by going on a low-fat fiber diet. When he was shown the poster of a acupuncturist who sticks needles and sets fire on them to relieve stress, we get this gem.
    Hank: Anyone ever try that on me, I'll kick his ass!
  • Boomhauer riding the virtual mower, and trying to clear a virtual jam.
    [holds up uninjured hand] "AAAAAAAH!!! I AIN'T GOT NO FINGERS!!!"
  • Hank is accused of renting and never returning a (porn) movie that he has never even heard of before, which leads to this conversation:
    Hank: I told you I didn't rent the tape! Now, who's calling me a liar? You or the machine? 'Cause I wanna know whose ass to kick!
    Video Store Employee: I'm not calling you a liar, sir.
    Hank: Fine! [examining computer] ...Now, where's the ass on this thing?
  • From "'Twas the Nut Before Christmas" when Bobby drinks beer given to him by Wally.
    Bobby: HEY, DAD! I LIKE BEER! (pukes)
  • Hank's drunken rant against Buck in "What Happens at the National Propane Gas Convention in Memphis Stays at the National Propane Gas Convention in Memphis".
    Hank: I'm not gonna say to... Hell, I am gonna say what I have been wanting to say! Buck Strickland is a monster! A drunk monster, Buck Strickland is nothing but a lecherous, disgusting bastard-making bastard. (slurred gibberish) And now, I'm going to vomit.
  • Hank doesn't like people who like their steaks cooked well-done.
    Hank: Firm but with a little give. Yep. These are medium-rare.
    Bobby: What if somebody wants theirs well-done?
    Hank: We ask them politely yet firmly to leave.
  • "A Beer Can Named Desire" has the Hills visit Bill's family on their way to the football game and Bill asks to be left behind. It's because two of the three Dauterive widows are not related to him by blood and all three are itching to have sex with someone. Bill just has to figure out which one is his cousin. At episode's end, Hank and the others return to the Dauterive house to find Bill waiting for them with a huge smile.
    Hank: So, how did you make out?
    Bill: BOTH OF 'EM!
  • This gem from "Pregnant Paws."
    Peggy: This could be Ladybird's last heat. If you don't do something — and fast — she is gonna spend the rest of her life childless and lonely, sulking about the house in soiled underwear. Like Bill.
  • Combined with Moment of Awesome This one bit of Toilet Humour from the rodeo episode, wherein Bobby dresses up as a rodeo clown to save Joseph. At first his usual material fails to distract the horse, but then he grabs the fire extinguisher and blasts it between his legs saying "Oooooh what did I eat?! Everyone avoid the nachos!".
    • The clincher is when Bobby hops into the barrel, and says "I'm okay!" only for him to spray the fire extinguisher and say "DOI! NO I'M NOT!"
  • Hank attempting to sway Bobby's taste in music:
    Hank: When I was your age, we had these things called songs. They were two minute stories about people falling in love or burning down Georgia.
  • When Hank's cousin Dusty and his crew can't decide on how to mess with Hank next, one of his friends decide if they should go after Propane to further mess with him, Dusty knows better to not mess with propane.
    Dusty: Propane?! woah, you can only push a man so far.
  • In "Bystand Me", Peggy accidentally wrote an article about mixing Ammonia and Bleach under the assumption of a powerful cleaning product. Hank told her in horror that she's basically telling everyone to make Mustard Gas, essentially killing hundreds, leading to Peggy letting out Hank's scream.
    Peggy: BWAHHH!
    • Immediately Hank wakes Bobby up to help them, earlier he's already mad at Bobby for ditching his Paperboy duties to Dale, but as Soon as Bobby wakes up and ready to do a Paperboy saying, Hank cuts him off.
    Hank: Bobby wake up!
    Bobby: I'm Up, the "S" in service stands for-
    Hank: Not now Bobby. Don't worry, your Mom screwed up this time, not you.
    • It's even more interesting on how Hank knew how to make Mustard Gas, Cotton always made it on V-J Day (Victory over Japan Day).
  • While running an illegal food truck, Hank has a nightmare where he's a crewman on a B-17 on a bombing run in World War 2, with the crew turning into Tom Landry (who was actually a B-17 pilot in real life), Abraham Lincoln and George Washington, who tell him he shouldn't be breaking the law.
    Hank: But that's what you all did. [to Washington] Mr. President, you were a loyal British subject until the pushed you too far. [to Lincoln] And you suspended Habeas Corpus during the Civil War. And Tom, you broke all the rules with your revolutionary flex defense.
    Washington: You're on a slippery slope, Hank. You're ignoring posted traffic laws.
    Lincoln: And now Bobby is chewing gum.
    Hank: But I thought you'd be proud.
    Tom Landry: We're not, Hank.
    Lincoln: Krauts! 2 o'clock high!