Funny / King of the Hill

Stingers

• The stingers, which usually involve an out-of-context line from the episode:
  • "Yankee Hankee":
    Cotton: Well, I suppose...... SUCKER PUNCH! ^note (Cotton seemingly changing his mind about having Hank be his patsy, only to punch him)
  • "New Cowboy on the Block":
    Hank: Rock on!
    Kahn: Yes hello, rock on.
  • "Bad Girls, Bad Girls, Whatcha Gonna Do":
    Bobby: Man, I'm just keepin' it real, dawg.
  • "Traffic Jam":
    Toenail: BAM! Now THAT'S what I call general haberdashery! ^note (It Makes Just As Much Sense In Context, since this was an Orphaned Punchline from the end of a comedian's set)
  • "Return to La Grunta":
    Hank: I never get brunch... ^note (Hank, annoyed that he can't enjoy La Grunta's brunch buffet because he and Luanne have to go to the "swimming with the dolphins" class)
  • "It's Not Easy Being Green":
    Hank: No, no, no, heh, no, heh.... NO. ^note (Hank's response to Bobby saying, "I thought you said tree-huggers like me and Mr. Mc Kay were a bunch of noodle-brained communists.")
  • "Hank and the Great Glass Elevator":
    Hank: I'm doin' it! I'm a mooner!
  • "A Firefighting We Will Go":
    Dale: Bicky-bi-be-bo-bo-bicky-bi-bo!
  • "Nine Pretty Darn Angry Men":
    Cotton: Pump jockey!
    Hank: I am not -
    Cotton: Works for tips! ^note (at the focus group, Cotton falsely claims that Hank works at a gas station as a pump jockey)
  • "Hank Gets Dusted":
    Hank: It's time to rock. ^note (Hank, disgusted that every time he asks one of his ZZ Top relatives what time it is, they reply with this line)
  • "The Wedding of Bobby Hill":
    Bobby: I don't think I'm ready for this yet!! ^note (Bobby, thinking he's about to have sex with Luanne when she pulls him into her bedroom and shuts the door)
  • "Naked Ambition":
    Dale: Did you just say "Go, Mom"? ^note (Dale somehow misheard the psychiatrist's "Go on" as this)
  • "The Man Who Shot Cane Skreetburg":
    Bobby: Dad! The raccoons are back!
  • "Hilloween":
    Young Boomhauer: Dang ol' boo, man.
  • "Death And Texas":
    Bobby: All sloppy and no Joe. ^note (Peggy's been visiting a prisoner so much she didn't have time to properly make dinner)
  • "Dog Dale Afternoon":
    Dale: Can you mow your lawn in a hurricane? Nope, didn't think so! Hahaha! ^note (Dale bragging about his new mower)
  • "Aisle 8A"
    Peggy: Do you want to be in charge?
    Hank: No. ^note (Peggy taking over from Hank regarding handling Connie's first period)
  • "Sleight Of Hank":
    Dale: You are so clueless! ^note (Dale, to Nancy upon surprising her with the birthday dinner/magic show)
  • "Pretty, Pretty Dresses":
    Bill: Why do you keep calling me Bill? ^note (Bill, in his Lenore state)
  • "High Anxiety":
    Bobby: I said "Good day", sheriff! ^note (Bobby, offended that Sheriff Mumford would suggest that Hank did drugs)
  • "Ho Yeah":
    Hank: Alabaster! ^note (the pimp from Oklahoma City that Hank briefly struggles with)
  • "Tankin' It To The Streets":
    Dale: (ding) Cookies! ^note (a Brick Joke from earlier in the scene; Dale had invited the guys to his basement on a lie, though the cookies weren't: "What about the fresh-based cookies?" "Almost done.")
  • "Spin The Choice":
    Hank: Oh my God, it's so juicy! (Bobby screams) ^note (Hank trying to psych Bobby out when he practice-cuts a turkey)
  • "Racist Dawg":
    Bobby: Here ki-ki-ki-ki. ^note (during therapy roleplaying with dolls, Bobby pretends his doll is looking for a cat, whom he names Kee-Kee)
  • "Dances With Dogs":
    Bill: Just move your paw- (screams) ^note (Bill's "chemistry" with his dog)
  • "Queasy Rider":
    Hank: He had a crushed pelvis.
    Bobby: AND A CAPE! ^note (dialogue about Evel Knievel)
  • "An Officer and a Gentle Boy"
    Cotton: WHAT THE-You made a boooowwwwl? ^note (Cotton dismayed that the military academy he sent Bobby to has a pottery class)
  • The Arrowhead (Continuing the scene from before the credits)
    Professor Lerner: You'll get tired of this long before I do! *THUD!* ^note (Hank repeatedly pushing Lerner into the hole)
  • The Son That Got Away
    Kahn: Long, painful, boring death!
  • Movin' On Up
    Dale: Truth... or dare?
    Bill: DARE!
    Hank: Ugh... ^note (one of the many "fun" activities in Hank's den now that Luanne has moved out)
  • Transnational Amusements Presents: Peggy's Magic Sex Feet
    Bobby: Who? Who in the media tricked you? (Given the 20th Century Fox Television logo follows, the line being out of context provides some funny irony) ^note (Bobby's response to Peggy saying that for years, the media tricked her into thinking her big feet were ugly)
  • Father of the Bribe
    Kahn: FAT WHITE LUMP!! ^note (Kahn's nickname for Bobby)
  • Torch Song Hillogy
    Bill Mmm hmm, eh...Heyyyy! ^note (a response to Dale's Take That!: "She's just setting him up for a big fall, like when we told Bill there was a woman out there for him.")
  • Board Games
    Peggy: IT'S FOR THE FREAKING CHILDREN!!! ^note (Peggy's response to Hank being reluctant to rent a bus to use for her school board campaign)
  • Ceci N'Est Pas Une King of the Hill
    Artist: Washington, Hitler! Washington, Hitler! ^note (a modern art piece that shifts from George Washington to Adolf Hitler, symbolizing... who knows)
  • Pour Some Sugar on Kahn
    General Gum: Drag and drop!
    Kahn: But I...
    General Gum: DRAG AND DROP! ^note (Gum somehow wanted Kahn to make his watch into an mp3 player)
    Kahn: This watch isn't even digital!
  • Lost in MySpace
    Donna: Who wants to get kicked in the ding-dong?
  • Bwah My Nose
    Hank: Is it so wrong to be beautiful?
  • Bad News Bill
    Hank: About your outfit, Bill... No.
  • Returning Japanese (Part 1) ^note Only featured at the end of the first part when the episode is aired as two separate ones - the DVD release has both parts combined into one, thus uses the soundbite for Part 2
    Hotel Clerk: The cologne has displeased you.
  • Luanne Gets Lucky
    Luanne: Summon your amazing strength! ^note (Luanne says this to her prom date who's about to be clobbered by Lucky's two goon friends, saying that all nerds gain strength when in dire situations)
  • Three Men And A Bastard ^note  AKA 'Untitled Blake McCormick Project'
    Joseph: *cackles madly* ^note (ironically, Bill had said before this that he loved the sound of children's laughter)
  • Goodbye Normal Jeans:
    Hank: Boy, that cheese. Mmm! ^note (Hank still reeling, hours later, from Bobby's fantastic cooking)
  • Chasing Bobby:
    Bobby: To The Flowers of Time!
  • The Incredible Hank:
    Hank: Dang it, I'm out of clean socks! Agh! Dang it!
  • Hank's Bad Hair Day:
    Hank: Oh God, I need a hair net!
  • That's What She Said:
    Rich: That's what SHE said- about Joe Jack!
    Buck: Daaaa! ^note (the set-up line from Buck was: "Damn, you quick, boy!")
  • "Peggy's Headache":
    John Redcorn: Pe-he-ggy... Hill. ^note (a response to Peggy's disgusted, "Ja-hon Redcorn.")
  • "Next of Shin":
    Hank: Uh, busy! Occupied! ^note (said when the doctor knocks on the door as Hank tries to produce a sperm sample)
  • "Uncool Customer":
    "Do not YANK!" ^note (gentleman instructor's commands for politely removing a woman's jacket)
  • "The Minh Who Knew Too Much":
    Minh: Yip diddly oten doten, oo-wacka-wacka choten. ^note (a chant used for initiation at Dale's gun club)
  • "Blood and Sauce":
    Bum: Ha-ba-hey. ^note (a homeless bum says this when he introduces himself to Gilbert at the bus station)
  • "Bill, Bulk and the Body Buddies":
    Gorilla: No agony, no brag-ony! ^note (a line delivered as only Randy Savage can)
  • "Life: A Loser's Manual":
    Hank: "Pee pee money" is NOT an employment history. ^note (referencing Lucky winning $53,000 in a lawsuit after he slipped on urine in the bathroom of a Costco, and thus he never saw a need to seek employment)
  • "The Passion of the Dauterive":
    Bill: God told me to come here tonight. ^note (said to his church small group. Needless to say, the deadly serious way he said it freaked them out)
  • "The Honeymooners":
    Kahn: No no no no nooooo!!!... Why you hate me? ^note (Kahn's reaction to an RV in Hank's driveway)
  • "Full Metal Dust Jacket":
    Peggy: Take your apple-
    Dale: It's a braeburn.
    Peggy: ...And get out.
  • "The Good Buck":
    Luanne: Fellowship hug!
    Joseph: Aw boy! ^Note (Luanne is bikini-clad while saying this; needless to say, Joseph's stoked)
  • "Boxing Luanne":
    George Foreman: Novelty grill?! FIGHT'S ON! ^Note (Hank talks to George Foreman about calling off Luanne's match with his daughter, Freeda, and George does so until Hank, when asked about stocking his grill at Strickland, dismisses it as a 'novelty grill' )
  • "Yard, She Blows!":
    Bill: (sing-song) Hank likes the gnome!
  • "Après Hank, le Deluge"
    Dale: Pretty 'yarr', huh? *sounds of wood breaking* AAAAHH!!^Note (Dale shows Nancy his makeshift ark, the mast of which breaks apart when he leans back on it, taking him with it.)
  • "Business Is Picking Up" takes this to an absurd new level in that the stinger is just the sound of a vacuum cleaner sucking up animal turds. ^Note The episode is about Bobby following a man who picks up animal and human waste for a living during the former's career day at school.

Season 1

Pilot

• Right out of the gate, the pilot brought us this gem:
  Hank: What you listening to, son?
  Bobby: I don't think you'll like it.
  Hank: Well, why not? I like this new generation of music.
  [Hank puts on Bobby's headphones.]
  Headphone Noise: (phone ringing) Hell-oooooo! (elongated farting)
  Hank: Mother of God, it's all toilet sounds! Where'd you record this?
  Bobby: I got it from the mall. It's The Funny Phone Jerks.
  Hank: Let me tell you, Bobby. There's nothing funny about these sounds. What that person on your tape has is a medical disorder.
  • This moment, while Bobby is on his way to his baseball game. A good example of getting Sidetracked by the Analogy.
    Peggy: Now don't you worry son. You just do your best.
    Hank: Don't listen to her, Bobby. If you want to win, you're gonna have to do better than your best.
    Bobby: How do I do that?
    Hank: You gotta give 110 percent. That's what'll give you that winning edge.
    Bobby: But what if the Wildcats give 110 percent too?
    Hank: Well, then you gotta try even harder.
    Peggy: How about if Bobby gave 112 percent?
    Hank: Sure, that'd work.
    Bobby: Or maybe 113.
    Hank: (sighs) Yeah, yeah, that's even better.
    Peggy: No, I don't know. 13 is a very unlucky number.
    Hank (clearly tired of the conversation): Look, we're not talking about 13. We're talking about 113, and even-Okay, give 112, what's the difference? Look Bobby, just do your best okay?
  • During the game...
    Hank: Bobby, you can't make an omelet without breaking eggs, and you can't get on base without taking a swing.
    Bobby: The pitcher could walk me, couldn't he?
    Hank: (Beat) Don't play Lawyer-ball, son...
  • The first time we see Megalo-Mart, and more importantly, why Hank hates it...oh, and Buckley too.
    Hank (sighing): I hate this place.
    (Hank sees Buckley, and goes up to him)
    Hank: Excuse me, where is the hardware department?
    Buckley: Where is the hardware department? What exactly is it you're looking for?
    Hank: The hardware department.
    Buckley: Yeah, but are you looking for, like, a tool or something?
    Hank: What difference does it make?
    Buckley: Huh...what difference does it make?...
    Hank: Okay, I'm looking for a tap and die and some WD-40.
    Buckley: Huh. Well, what is it you're trying to do?
    Hank: I'm tryin' to buy a tap and die, and some WD-40, and get out of this godforsaken store!
    Buckley: And what is a tap and die?
    Hank: ''Okay forget it! Let's say I want a hammer! Do you know what a hammer is?! That's what I want! A damned hammer! Now where in the hell would I go?
  • After Dale expresses his Conspiracy Theorist opinion on global warming: "Dale, you giblet head! We live in Texas. It's already 110 in the summer, and if it gets one degree hotter I'm gonna kick your ass!"
  • Bobby starts annoying his father, unintentionally, by throwing his baseball against the wall next to his TV, making a loud thump that Hank can hear even from outside the house. We start from Hank outside, then cut to inside with Bobby, and Peggy comes into his room to tell him he's had enough TV, and bends down to turn it off, while Bobby is still throwing the ball, very close to her head. She gets distracted by the sad show on the TV, and stands up...right into the path of the ball, which whacks her in the head right above her eye. Bobby is of course horrified. What cinches it as funny is Hank's response when we cut back to him:
    Hank: There. That's better...
  • The above bit continues from here, with Bobby still doing it after his mother goes to answer the door, and finds the ill-informed and presumptuous social worker, Anthony Page. Hank is, meanwhile, trying to work on his truck's engine, with Dale providing him light to see via flashlight.
    Hank: Damn it. There it is again. Where is that thumping coming from? It's driving me crazy.
    Dale: Could be far off helicopters. UN helicopters...
    (Dale then shines his light up and out of the truck's front to search for said helicopters, depriving Hank of his light)
    Hank: Dale, what are you doing? Give me some light! Now! I-I can't see!
    (Hank then loses his grip on the wrench he is using, hurting his arm...)
    Hank: Ahh, my arm!
    (...and then accidentally dislodges the hood-lift, sending the hood crashing down on him and pinning him inside the truck's engine compartment)
    Hank: Gaah! My head! Oww! Aahh! Ack! Ooww! God, God!...
    (Dale, meanwhile, runs away and leaves Hank there'')
  • When Peggy is defending Hank to the Children's Aid worker.
    Social Worker: Would you say your husband has a temper?
    Peggy: Who, Hank? No, Hank is as gentle as a lamb.
    [Hank throws open the door and storms in]
    Hank: God dangit!! No more bouncing that ball!!
    [grabs baseball Bobby is throwing at the wall and throws it out the door, almost hitting the social worker]
    Peggy: Hank, we have a visitor.
  • Dale, meanwhile, has decided to work on Hank's truck for him. Bill suggests that that isn't a good idea, but Dale dismisses it. He then reaches in and accidentally cuts a certain cable...and the truck starts rolling backward.
    Bill: Uhh...Dale, I think you released... the brake cable. Dale!
    Dale: No I didn't...
    (The truck then collides with the door to Hank's garage, and Dale makes an excuse for him to leave...and Bill and Boomhaur run off as well)
  • When Hank gets fed up with Anthony's nonsense, he starts to go on an impassioned speech about how he is a real working-man, and that it upsets him that his hard-earned tax dollars go to paying Obstructive Bureaucrats like him, with patriotic music going in the background...only for Hank's face to turn brighter and brighter red, the music to go out, and Hank to tell Peggy he needs some headache medication and a glass of water.
  • The first time you see Joseph.
  • After Bobby lets Hank believe that they're still under investigation by child protective services.
    Hank: (sighs) It's hard, Peggy. I don't wanna lose my little boy... my only son. But... oh, it's hard.
    Peggy: Well, you can relax. The investigation has been off for a week, only... Bobby didn't tell us.
    Hank: I'LL KILL HIM!

Square Peg

• Peggy's attempt to explain sex to Bobby is a spectacular failure:
  Peggy: Bobby, honey. What do you know about sexual relations?
  Bobby: I don't know. Nothing much. I'm a little worried about being a slut.
  Peggy: ...Well, Bobby, your father and I decided that as your parents that you and I should have a little talk on the subject. You have noticed, I am sure, that there are some pretty big differences between boys and girls. (Beat) I'm sure you know that. I mean, physically, boys are, well, they're different. (Beat) They have something that girls do not have.
  Bobby: Yeah.
  Peggy: You know, something...
  Bobby: You mean, a penis?
  (Peggy stares blankly for a few seconds and then leaves the room)
  • The epic fail of Hank's attempt to emulate Cotton's method of teaching a child about sex: Watching a cow and a bull mate. Unfortunately for Hank, he doesn't realize that the usual methods in dairy farm nowadays are artificial insemination...cue Hank trying to talk about "tender feelings for a girl" only to be interrupted by the cow mooing loudly and the machine to start making noise, and Hank quickly covering Bobby's eyes.
  • Cut after the above to Hank and Peggy digging through the trash to piece together the "dang permission slip!".
  • This brilliant bit of Digging Yourself Deeper:
    Bill: Just think. You'll be married to a woman who knows everything about sex. I've never been with a woman like that. Except, of course, a bargirl. Of course, I don't mean that Peggy's a bargirl or nothing like that. She just knows, you know what a bargirl... knows.
    (Hank jabs Bill in the stomach with his tree trimmer)
  • Peggy's exchange with her friends, who are all just as if not more ashamed of sex as she is. Peggy airs out her doubts if she can teach sex-ed, and the other women pretty much brush it off as not a big deal. They then bring up a book that Peggy flashed-back to getting from her mother, which according to her just had "pictures of flowers". Peggy dismisses it as worthless, but then one woman says this:
  "Well I got a lot out of it. When my husband would crawl all over me at night and do his business, well I would just close my eyes and think of them pretty flowers..."
  Peggy: Oh Bonnie, you poor poor woman...
  • This exchange:
  Dooley: Hey Bobby, your mom's gonna teach sex-ed.
  Bobby: I know.
  Dooley: ...We're gonna get to see her boobs. (moments later, to another kid) Your dad lost his job.
  • VAAAAAAAAAGINA!!!
    • (cue Spit Take by Hank)
  • From that same episode:
    Hank (answering the phone): Hello?
    Harsh Voice: You don't know who I am, but I know where you live and if you teach that sex-ed class so help me I...
    Hank: Dale?
    Dale: Oh, Hank. Is Peggy there?
    Hank: Peggy, it's for you. It's Dale.
    Peggy: Yello, Dale.
    Dale (harsh voice): You don't know who I am...
  • And here it is with Yugi and Seto Kaiba.
  • And in The Stinger, Dale leaves a message on Hank and Peggy's machine (after Peggy taught one class, which only Bobby attended because no one else had a permission slip):
    Peggy (on answering machine): Hello. You have reached the Hill residence. Please leave a message at the tone.
    Dale (harsh voice): You don't know who I am but I know where you live Sex-Ed teacher, and you'd better cut it out if you know what's good for you. (normal voice) Oh, and Hank. We changed the tee-off time to three o'olock. See ya.

The Order of the Straight Arrow

• While the boys, Hank, and Bill are driving to their Order of the Straight Arrow camp-site, the kids (and Bill) start spotting license plates while shouting "Wematanye!", much to Hank's annoyance. When he tells them to shut up, they (including Bill) chorus: "You didn't say 'Wematanye'!"
  • Dale tries to have a bit of fun when Hank, Bill, and the boys are driving ahead of them on the way to the campsite. It doesn't go well...
  • Hank and Bill devise a "24 hours of silence" test for the boys; any talking means the boys hand their "silence stick" (Slim Jims) to Hank and/or Bill, with five bites and they're out. At one point during the drive to the campsite, Bill tells Hank he's hungry. Hank pretends to fall asleep at the wheel- naturally Joseph speaks up.
    Hank: A-ha! That was a test! Joseph, give Mr. Dauterive a bite of your silence stick. Remember, kids, you never know when you're gonna be tested. Now, who else is hungry?
    Kids: I am.
    Hank: Gotcha!
  • When they get to the campsite, Hank temporarily lifts the 24 hours of silence, and the kids chatter what a relief it is.
    Hank: Shut up, I'm talkin' here!
  • After Bobby accidentally kills an endangered whooping crane it was actually just knocked out:
  Dale: There were only five of those left in the world. [Beat] Welp, four now!
  Bill: Then we should be thankful we got the opportunity to see one.
  • When Dale tries to leave (most likely to make an anonymous tip to the authorities), he gets bound and gagged. The next morning, a forest ranger asks if they saw the whooping crane and mentions he was in the Straight Arrow when he was a kid. Then Dale hops out of his tent, still bound and gagged.
    Ranger: Ah. I see the Order hasn't changed a bit since my day.
  • The ranger asks Boomhauer, who reveals everything in his Motor Mouth speech pattern.
    Ranger: Well if you see anything, let me know.

Luanne's Saga

• After Hank teaches Lunanne to "swallow" her emotions down...
  Hank: "Look at my friend Bill. He went through the worst divorce this county's ever seen, but you never see him cryin'..."
  (Cut to Bill in his house, turning the blinds back so that no one can see him before...)
  Bill: "Uahuhuhu-huhu...eahuhuhuhu..."
  • Peggy effortlessly falling for Hank's distraction of telling her she looks pretty.
  • The guys go to a bar to find Luanne a new boyfriend with Dale deciding to look for a guy with a nice, muscular butt. Later on, he's seen in the bathroom urnial with another man and he checks him out, saying "You seem like a regular guy." Cue his WTF expression.
  • Hank's Imagine Spot of all the boys Luanne has dated: Buckley (who does donuts on his moped), a crazed tattoo artist who draws on his own skin, and a bald punk in a Black Flag shirt who bangs his head against a tree.
  • Hank tries looking for a boyfriend for Luanne at the bar. He considers a guy, until he turns around to show a ponytail. He then sees another guy, who's facing away from him, who then turns around, showing that he has a huge, pig-like nose...
  Hank: Hmm... possible...
  • After Dale comes out to see the ruckus caused by Hank yelling at Luanne and Boomhauer (who just drove her home after her potential boyfriend didn't work out), he complains that "This neighborhood is turning into Melrose Place...". Cue John Redcorn clumsily jumping out the window, shirtless and stumbling into his shoes before running off, as soon as Dale goes back inside.
  • The "big emotional scene" that is Hank's and Boomhauer's reconciliation.
  Hank: Boomhauer!
  Boomhauer: Yeah?
  Hank: Beer?
  Boomhauer: Yeah.
  (Hank hands Boomhauer a beer and he takes his usual place in the quartet)
  Dale: That was beautiful.

Hank's Got the Willies

• Bobby's impression of Hank: "Ah sell pro-pane and pro-pane accessories, Ah tell you hwut. Shut up, Dale!"
• After Hank tries to fix his truck's horn, which is blaring non-stop from Bobby hitting it with the mower, the neighbors come over...

Bill: Sounds like you're horn's goin' off Hank...
Hank: "You really think so Bill?"
Bill: "Oh yeah..."

• When Dale mentions a black helicopter conspiracy Usenet board:
  Boomhauer: Yeah mayn, I tell you hwhat mayn, that dang ol' Internet mayn. You just go on there'n point'n click, get in there, talkin' 'bout "W-W-W-dot-W-com" 'n you got them'n that naked chicks on there mayn. You go "click-clickclickclickclickclick", it's real easy mayn.
• Peggy and Luanne spend some time in the episode playing catch out in the yard, Luanne even wearing a catcher's mask. Later, when they come inside, Peggy is happy at the good workout, while Luanne complains that "My face feels weird...", while taking off her mask to reveal her face is red where the mask was pressed against her face.
• Luanne tries to get over her fear of failing braid-work at the beauty academy, and determinedly tries to braid the practice rope they use. At first she does okay, but a few moments after she braids down past the view of the audience, she stops, and we pan out to reveal she tied her own hands into a knot in it, leaving her to yell for someone to help get her out...
• After Dale does poorly at the golf course (and fails to even bend his golf club in anger over it), Bill steps up to take his turn to play. He spends a full minute or two just holding his club up, ready to swing, before hitting the ball and only knocking it a few feet away. We then get this...

Bill: Maybe it's just first hole jitters... got any tips Boomhauer?
Boomhauer: Yeah man, I'll tell you what you do. You just keep that arm straight. Y'all put your left hand still, man. Just speed it the hell up...

• Bobby's accidental bludgeoning of Willie Nelson, caused by him simply losing his grip on the golf club as he swings, causing it to sail through the air and then down onto the man. Also, the immediate aftermath...

(Hank is standing there, horrified beyond words)
Bobby: Can I get a do-over?
Dale: (Drives up on a golf cart) Bobby, hop in! Hank, dispose of the witnesses...
(After they go and see who it is they hit)
Dale: Check his pockets for cigarettes...

• Bobby decides to take Hank's beloved guitar to Willie Nelson, in order to prove to his dad that he isn't the walking disaster Hank thinks he is. He's riding on his bike, with the guitar held between his chest and the bike's handlebars...

Bobby (thinking): I'm tired of being a lack of focus. I'm going to show them I can do better. I'm going to make my Dad proud.
(Bobby then falls forwards off the bike...and straight on top of the guitar as it falls with him)
Bobby (thinking, as he gets back up with the guitar): I'm gonna not tell Dad about that...

• When Bobby goes to apologize to Willie Nelson.
  Willie: Hey, you look familiar. Aren't you the kid who rakes my lawn?
  Bobby: No sir, I'm the one who hit you in the head.
  Willie: With a rake?
  Bobby: With a golf club.
  Willie: You've been raking my lawn with a golf club? I want my quarter back.
• "Outta my way, rooster boy."
• The cutaway gag where Hank is over at Jason Adderly's house and opens what he thinks is a bathroom door but it's Jason's son, Howard's, bedroom instead. Hank screams at the sight of Howard: A pale, nearly hairless, wheezing, skinny boy who is on the computer in the dark. Overlaps with nightmare fuel because, well, he is pretty freaky looking.

Westie Side Story

• Hank and the guys not understanding that Kahn is from Laos, asking if he's "Chinese or Japanese?" even after he clearly explains it.
• The second time Hank and Kahn shake hands, Hank's firm grip hurts Kahn's hand again, making him let out an anguished "Oh damn, damn!-" which Kahn tries to turn into a complimentary "-Uh, you have damn fine house!"
• When Hank is out on the lawn, talking to Kahn about how good kids are, he inadvertantly stands on Kahn's hose. For a few moments while Hank talks, we can see Kahn's water stop coming, and him fruitlessly press the lever on the nozzle, until he turns to Hank and asks him to "Move please, you're standing on my hose" and tugs on it to pull it free.
• While Peggy and Luanne are getting into the car to go get a pizza:
  Peggy: Come on, stop doddling Luanne, we have to got to pick up that pizza before the cheese gets cold and the pineapple gets hot.
  Luanne: What's the rush? If we're not there in 30 minutes, it's free.
  (Peggy turns to look at Luanne for a moment, then starts driving. Minh walks into the road in front of them, waving to get their attention)
  Minh: Oh, Peggy Hill, Peggy Hill! Stop!
  Luanne: Wait! Aunt Peggy, it's Minh!
  Peggy: Mm-hmm
  (Peggy keeps driving forward)
  Minh: Stop.
  (Peggy stops just a couple inches from her)
  Peggy: (sighs, then says in an apologetic tone) Why Minh, I almost did not see you there.
• This exchange:
  Kahn: (after Hank offers him some propane for his barbeque) Are you kidding? I cook with Mesquite. Give meat nice taste of wood.
  Hank: And I cook with propane. Gives meat nice taste of meat.
  • After that moment, Minh browbeats Kahn into accepting Hank's propane gas tank that he brought as a peace offering, and all Kahn can do is take the tank and say:
  Kahn: "You honor me by giving me gas."
• After the barbecue, Hank goes to investigate whether they were served dog-meat or not, while carrying his weed whacker, and overhears Minh talking to the dog pound about their missing dog, in a way that makes it sound like a food order:
  Hank: Good lord, it's ''true''!!
  (Minh looks up and sees him through the window)
  Minh: Oh, I call you back. Hank Hill, what a nice surprise. Kahn, come quick, your best friend is here!
  Hank: (sounding uneasy) Oh no, that's okay.
  Kahn: What you doing here?
  Hank: Uh...
  (Hank then panics and pulls the ripcord on his weed whacker)
  Hank: I can't hear ya over my weed whacker.
  (He then turns to leave, weed whacker still going)
  Minh: Hey where you going Hank Hill? Stop!
  Hank: I can't hear you.
  —> (Hank then backs away, accidentally running his weed whacker over Minh's flowers, shredding them instantly)
  Minh: My chrysanthemums! What you doing?
  (As Hank leaves the yard, Kahn and Minh walk after him a bit, yelling)
  Kahn: You ruin my yard! You crazy redneck!
  (Minh yells angrily in Laotian)
• Hank runs to Dale in a panic, explaining what he thinks is going on, that Kahn and Minh did kill and eat their dog, and are looking for more. Dale explains that now that they know Hank knows, they'll come after him, by shooting him with a blow dart:
  Dale: That's their way. But you'll just think it's a mosquito bite, until you die. Then you'll know the truth.
  Bill: Why, why would they shoot people? Human meat's tough flavorless. They should be out, huntin' for more dog!
• Hank and the guys then run over to check on Ladybird (who had, unbeknownst to any of the adults, been let out by Connie and Bobby to hunt for the missing Doggie Kahn), and see that she's missing. Hank concludes that that means Kahn has "got" Ladybird. Dale then walks over to Ladybird's water dish with a solemn expression, then dips his finger in the water and tastes it. He then says "It's still wet, maybe there's time"
• Hank and his friends then run over to the Souphanousanphone's to save Ladybird, and Dale gets bitten on the back of the neck by a mosquito, and mistakes it for a blow-dart:
  Dale: I've been hit! Quick, somebody suck out the poison!
  * After the whole misunderstanding is resolved, and Hank and Kahn reach an understanding, and the dog's have come back home...
  Dale: (Gasping for air) I'm running out of time! Give me the antidote man!
• During the end credits, we see a scene of Peggy asking Minh for advice on how to better her cooking, like how she did earlier with Peggy's Apple Brown Betty. As she asks her about each dish, Minh points out a flaw in the dish, then gives the same solution she had for the Apple Brown Betty, "Add nutmeg!" while Peggy writes it down, even saying it aloud to herself to memorize it.

Hank's Unmentionable Problem

• Hank has to deal with constipation for over several days by going on a low-fat fiber diet. When he was shown the poster of a acupuncturist who sticks needles and sets fire on them to relieve stress, we get this gem.
  Hank: Anyone ever try that on me, I'll kick his ass!
  • Eventually he tries it out, cue Brick Joke when he literally kicks the guy's butt for doing that to him despite Hank going there on his free will and aware of the procedure! Even if it is Disproportionate Retribution, Hank really means it that he'll kick ass on even mundane reasons.
• Special mention goes to Peggy's Dream Sequence, where Hank dies of polio, Cotton flushes him down to Hell, and Peggy forgets her Algebra homework.
• Hank's Insane Troll Logic when he defends his constipation to the guys:

  Hank: Maybe I'm not the one who should be embarrassed. Did you ever think of that? Maybe you're going a little too much. Once every four or five days gives me more free time. You want to spend all your time on the toilet, be my guest.

Shins of the Father

• Dooley, to Bobby: "This party's boring. Everybody hates you."
  • Cotton Hill's introduction to Kahn Souphanousinphone:
  Hank: This is my new neighbor.
  Dale: He's Japanese.
  Cotton: [after a second] No he ain't. He's Laotian. Ain't you, Mr. Kahn?
  [Kahn, who tried telling his new neighbors he was from Laos when he met them, looks plainly shocked]

  • Yet Cotton still presumes that Kahn, who is much more successful and well off than Hank, is Hank's servant, giving him drink orders and telling him to get his bags.
  • Cotton asks Bobby what he's going to do for a living. Bobby answers he wants to be a prop comic and is working on a routine where he stuffs green beans up his nose. At that moment, Hank enters:
  Cotton: Hank, Bobby and me have decided he's gonna stick vegetables up his nose.
• Cotton's utter refusal to refer to Peggy by anything other than "Hank's Wife".
  • Hank's odd metaphor:
  Peggy: I do not want that ill-mannered foul-mouthed old man to spend another moment in my house.
  Hank: You just don't understand him. See, he's a big, flamboyant character, like a peacock. That's why men love him. But women don't like his style, because you all are like the pea-hen. More subdued and drab.
  • And what immediately follows:
  Hank: Well, Bobby and I both want him to stay. That means you're outvoted.
  Peggy: Oh, yeah? Well, Luanne hates him, too. That means we're even.
  Hank: Well, Jesus loves him. So I win.
  Peggy: (grumbles) What does that have to do with...
• Cotton lectures Luanne on her diet, capped off with a slap on the butt for good measure.

  Luanne: You're gonna be wearing that corn pone, old man!

• Bobby gets sent home from school for starting a "sexist riot" in the cafeteria. His grandfather rewards him by taking him to (what Cotton thinks is) a brothel.
  • This Bait-and-Switch moment, after Luanne fixes Cotton's car so he can leave:
  Didi: Well, maybe we should think about getting back, honey.
  Cotton: (seemingly irate) What did you say? WHAT did you say?! (clears his ears) Okay, now, what did you say, baby cakes?

  • And when Peggy makes it clear that it was Luanne who fixed the car (not Hank), Cotton scoffs, saying "A woman fixing a car! That's like a pig tryin' to read!" Even Hank laughed at that one.
• The entirety of Cotton's over the top sexist and just recklessly wild behavior throughout this episode is just a total riot. He blasts open Bobby's pinata with the loaded rifle he bought Bobby for his birthday, strips down to his shorts to watch TV, mistakes female lawyers at the Hotel Arlen for hookers, and slaps multiple women in the fanny (which Bobby emulates, much to Peggy's dismay).
  Bobby: Well go on- get my dinner, woman!
  [slaps Peggy in the rump]

Peggy the Boggle Champ

• Hank trying to coach Peggy, who's crying because she lost:
  Hank: You know, coach used to say something to fire us up when we're behind.
  Peggy: Yeah, what?
  Hank: Loser! You're a loser! Are you feeling sorry for yourself?! Well, you should be, because you are dirt! You make me sick, you big baby! Baby want a bottle? A big dirt bottle?!
  Peggy: (still crying) Why are you yelling at me?
  • Boomhauer riding the virtual mower, and trying to clear a virtual jam.
  [holds up uninjured hand] "AAAAAAAH!!! I AIN'T GOT NO FINGERS!!!"

Plastic White Female

• Bobby at school: "Yo, Sharise, you stone cold fox, what up?"
  • After getting fed up with Bobby using Luanne's test model head to practice talking with girls, Hank slices it in half and completely forgets Luanne needed the head for her test. He can only reply with a sheepish smile...and gets forced to be Luanne's test model head in her test the next day. She at first gets an "F" by her Jerkass instructor for not bringing the real deal, until Hank shows the teacher what she did right and what she did wrong on his haircut.
  Hank: What a bitch.
  • At the end of the episode, Bobby plays spin the bottle in the basement at Joseph's party and spins the bottle for last. Joseph's parents enter, they argue about whether to stop the kids from playing or not, the bottle comes to a halt and lands on Nancy...and a determined Bobby lunges at her to kiss her, ending with a crude shot of him flying towards a terrified Nancy.

King of the Ant Hill

• Hank unveils his new lawn. Luanne remarks how good it feels against her skin and starts rolling around on it, which weirds Hank out. After she gets up, Hank gets out the hose and sprays where she rolled.

Season 2

Texas City Twister

• The climax, with Hank vs. the tornado. He miraculously survives the tornado by holding onto a telephone pole with all his might, but the downside is that the force of the tornado ripped off all his clothes. The episode ends with Luanne teasing Hank about it as Hank resolves to forget the incident ever happened.
  • Earlier, Hank and his friends try to straighten out a trailer home that's been turned on its side. In the first attempt, they hook it up to the winch, but accidentally reel the truck to the hook, with Hank's truck ending up on the now completely upside down trailer. Next, they put a few planks so that the truck can drive straight off. It works, thus flipping the trailer over. But while Boomhauer is giving a thumbs-up from the cab of the truck, he crashes into another trailer, which promptly rolls over. The four guys get up and drive away.

The Arrowhead

• Hank visits an archaeology professor at the local college to see what an arrowhead is worth. He runs into a woman wearing a shirt with writing on it. Naturally, Hank looks at her shirt to read it, and is given the My Eyes Are Up Here treatment:

  Woman: That's right, they're breasts. Big deal!

  • Hank's yard is being torn up by same Jerkass archaeology professor hunting for Native American artifacts. When Hank complains, Bill compares it to the depredations suffered by the Natives and sheds a single tear...and then crumples up his beer can and throws it on the ground^note The inverse of the classic "Crying Indian" anti-littering ad.
  • At the end of that same episode, the Jerkass archaeologist smugly declares that he probably could have scored Peggy for the price of a fake bracelet. Hank grabs him by the shirt and throws him into the pit they've dug in his lawn. The archaeologist tries climbing out, but Hank shoves him back in. After three of these, he remarks "Okay, so you've proven that you're stronger than me..."; this time, Peggy shoves him in. Fade to the credits as he tries to save face by claiming "I WANT you to push me in!", followed by Bobby saying "Okay" and the sound of him hitting ground again. And then during The Stinger we hear "You know, you'll get tired of this long before I do." *THUD!*

Hilloween

• Luanne becomes convinced that Halloween is satanic and this ensues (after Harper stops Hank from having a haunted house at school and Peggy suggests they do a garage haunted house):
  Luanne: Nuh-uh, Uncle Hank, you could go to hell. See, Judy Harper says that haunted houses are the Devil's mousetrap, and fun is the cheese.
  Hank: Luanne, just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep talkin'!
  • "I knew the risks when I put on the uniform."
  • "Check it out man, don't need no dang ol' costume, man. Hadda put onna dang ol' mime, man. Looksit like I'm tryin' get outta this dang ol' box, man. See- WHOA! Gonn' play tugga war, man."
    Dale: I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist peddling influence... Who wants candy?
  • When Hank leads a march to the "Hell House" to confront Harper, Bill joins the crowd dressed as a Bedsheet Ghost, but the sheet gets caught on his foot and ripped. He improvises.
    Bill: Here comes the ghost! (*rip!*) Oh...TOGA!

Husky Bobby

• Hank breaking up Bobby's photo shoot.
  Hank: Cut! That's it! Go home, everybody. None of this ever happened.
  Peggy: Hank, what are you doing?
  Hank: I'm not doing anything. I'm not even here. None of us are. Let's go.
  (minutes later, in the car)
  Peggy: Hankie-
  Hank: No.
  Bobby: Daaaad-
  Hank: No!
  Luanne: Uncle-
  Hank: No!
  Luanne: You don't even know what I was gonna say.
  Bobby: It's not fair. I've been looking forward to this fashion show for hours. I wanna be a part of history. Please?
  Hank: Bobby, there are times when a father knows best, and this is one of those times.
  Luanne: My hair is caught in the door.
  • When Hank goes backstage at the junior fashion show, all the kids scream because they're in the middle of changing.
    Hank: Relax, it's nothing I haven't seen before. (looks at one kid and grimaces) Ugh...

The Man Who Shot Cane Skretteburg

• "I've got a sense of humor; I laugh at Tony Danza... I laugh at Tony Danza, I laugh at Tony Danza, I laugh at Tony Danza..."
  • Cane and his band play over Hank's objections:
    Hank: Lucky for you, I don't have time for this right now! Come on, Bobby. Let's go to the Fun Center!
    Cane: (singing, badly) FUN CENTER! FUN CENTER! FUN CENTER! FUN CENTER!
    (cut to a bit later, when everyone arrives at the Fun Center)
    Bobby: Fun Center! Fun Center! Fun Center! Fun Center!
  • This moment after the guys' humiliating paintball defeat, which has inspired a couple YTPs:
    Bill: I need a cold one.
    Hank: You want a cold one? (hands out beers to the guys) Here's a cold one for ya. Here's a cold one for ya. Here's a cold one for ya. I hope you're all happy. There's no cold ones left for me.
    Dale: Open up your eyes, man. You're holding a beer.
    Hank: You call this beer? "Guatemalica"?!
  • Hank and the guys challenge Cane to a paintball rematch.
    Hank: Rematch. Tomorrow. Noon. If you've got any guts, you'll be there.
    Cane: Sorry, pops. My car broke down.
    (flashes forward to a bit later, after Hank has fixed Cane's car)
    Hank: Rematch. Tomorrow. Noon. If you've got any guts, you'll be there.

The Son That Got Away

• Two moments that reference "Weird Al" Yankovic:
  Bobby: I just sang a song parody, Dad. Like Weird Al Yankovich.
  Hank: Bobby, Al Yankovich blew his brains out in the late '80s after people stopped buying his records.
  (later in the episode, when Bobby, Joseph, and Connie are lost in the caves):
  Bobby: I'm gonna grow up without anyone to love and die friendless and alone, like Weird Al Yankovich!
  • During the parent-teacher conference, the music teacher keeps blowing a whistle to try to break up Hank and Kahn's verbal fight. Hank gets annoyed at the whistle:
    Hank: Give me that! (grabs the whistle, and places it on a tall cabinet on his way out the door)
  • When Bobby and Joseph are riding their bikes home after being stuck in the cave:
    Bobby: What were you eating under there?
    Joseph: Under where?
    Bobby: (singsong) You were eating underwear!
  • When the adults find out about the kids at the caves:
    Peggy: Oh my goodness. That is where half of Arlen's unplanned pregnancies begin.
    John & Nancy: (awkwardly exchange glances)

Bobby Slam

• The scene where Hank has Bobby under a pile of wet carpet.
  Hank: Explode! Explode, boy! Come on, Bobby! Light the fuse! You're a keg of dynamite! That's it, boy! You got him where you want him! (Bobby's still struggling under the carpets) Time to really explode! Keg of dynamite!

Meet the Manger Babies

• Hank's stilted laugh as God: "Ha ha ha ha, hahahaha!"
• "For those of you who missed my sermon this morning, I'd like to remind you that spilling anything on a new carpet is a sin."
• Hank obsessing over the loose nail on the puppet show box.
  Hank: (quietly) Darn it! I left a finish nail sticking out a quarter inch. [...] Yeah, but it reflects poorly on my craftsmanship. That's all I'm saying.
  Peggy: You're the only one who notices.
  (three guys next to them comment on the poor craftsmanship, prompting Hank to kick the nail DURING Luanne's show)
• After Luanne makes Hank God in her next show:
  Bobby: If you're God, I guess that makes me Jesus.
  Peggy: Bobby, honey, you really shouldn't say that. That is for Luanne to decide.
• (Hank turning on the puppet show lights) "Let there be light. And it was good."
• When Peggy keeps changing the channel during the Super Bowl to guilt trip Hank, Bill starts getting nervous.

Hank: What the hell is going on?
Bill: All I know is this is the part of the movie where I wonder why they don't get out of the house!

Snow Job

• The owner of a mom n' pop convenience store lets Hank go without paying the change on a sale. Cue this gem of an exchange:
  Ma: Now I know why they call you "pa", cause you're "pa"-thetic!
  Pa: And I know why they call you "ma", cause you're always riding "ma" ass!

Three Days of the Kahndo

• The Hills go to Mexico. During their stay, Peggy is given a mysterious package to deliver, Luanne buys some dubiously legal turtle-based makeup, and Bobby attempts to blow up a firecracker against a mascot statue. Later, in their hotel room, some police knock on their door. Everyone panics, assuming themselves to be in trouble.

  Peggy: [attempting to force the package down the toilet] No one makes a fool out of Peggy Hill!
  Luanne: Quick, we all have to put on makeup! [hands Bobby lipstick and starts applying blush to herself]
  Bobby: [sobbing] This tastes like turtles.
  (Meanwhile, Dale sneaks out through the window)

  Hank finally drags everyone together to answer the door. The police are greeted by a group of four, three of whom are either soaking wet or messily covered in makeup.

  Hank: We have nothing to hide.
  Dale: (falls off roof and past window in background, screaming)

  • While trying to fix the doorknob, Hank can't get the lid off his can of WD-40, so how does he open it? By using a smaller can of WD-40.
  • The fact Hank decides to fix the doorknob of a condo he is renting, and asking Peggy to get him his WD-40 from the bathroom bag.
  • When Kahn sang "She Blinded Me With Science" at a mariachi trio to drive them away.
    Hank: Pretty good, Kahn. I've never heard that song sung with only one note before.
    Kahn: Yah. It all about the rhythm.
  • With their passports and driver's licenses temporarily revoked, Hank, Dale, and Kahn are stuck in Mexico. Dale concocts a plan to just drive through the border checkpoint anyway, thinking that they'll be waved through since they're white. (Kahn is hiding in the trunk.) The plan falls apart immediately.
    Officer: Where are you guys headed?
    Dale: (voice cracking) Arlen.
    Officer: I've been to Arlen. Nice town.
    (Beat)
    Dale: (to Hank) RUN!!!
    (Dale bolts out of the car and back into Mexico; Kahn jumps out of the trunk and follows. Hank chuckles nervously before running away as well)

Traffic Jam

• Hank gets Booda Sack a job at Strickland Propane, and finally starts to lighten up with the ribbing. But Booda takes it too far by making fun of propane:
  Booda: It's been so long since your mama's last bath, that her hairy armpits smell like propane gas.
  Hank: Now, excuse me. Hold on there, fella. A joke's a joke, but now you've gone too far. Propane has no natural odor. What you smell was actually put there by man for safety purposes.

Hank's Dirty Laundry

• Hank is accused of renting and never returning a (porn) movie that he has never even heard of before, which leads to this conversation:
  Hank: I told you I didn't rent the tape! Now, who's calling me a liar? You or the machine? 'Cause I wanna know whose ass to kick!
  Video Store Employee: I'm not calling you a liar, sir.
  Hank: Fine! [examining computer] ...Now, where's the ass on this thing?
  • In the same scene:
    Hank: Bobby, you ever heard of a movie called Cuffs and Collars?
    Bobby: Ooh, I think that's the one with the two cops who don't get along, but then they do, but it's too late 'cause he's dead, but not really.
    Hank: So, you've seen it?
    Bobby: (deadpan) No.
  • Dale and Boomhauer rubbing salt in the wound.
    Dale: So Nancy tells me she ran into John Redcorn at the video store - the two of 'em heard you complain about some porno tape you lost. [laughs]
    Boomhauer: Yeah man, talkin' bout dat dang ol' Cuffs and Collars, man, like when dey come over'a clean dat pool, man, it start goin' [imitates porn funk guitar riff].
  • The Bait-and-Switch moment when you think Bill's talking about women, not men:
    Bill: I'm glad I'm not the only one who's disgusted by pornography. It's offensive. It's demeaning! It creates a standard of idealized beauty that your average man can't compete with.
  • Peggy walking in on Hank struggling to get his pen to work while watching a porno for research, and from her angle it looks like he's jacking off. She gasps in shock and bolts.
  Peggy: Bobby! For the love of God! Get out of the HOOOUUUSSSEEE!!!
  Bobby: Okay.
  • The Running Gag of Bobby thinking that everything Hank and Peggy are doing is preparation for a surprise birthday party. Just one example: He comes home seeing Hank struggling to remove a huge pile of porno tapes and products from his lawn and thinks they're his presents.

The Final Shinsult

• Luanne getting the news report about Santa Ana's leg wrong:
  Luanne: Aunt Peg, uncle Hank, I just heard on the news. There's a Santa Claus exhibit at the museum and someone stole his leg!

Leanne's Saga

• The Bait-and-Switch gag where a burly woman who talks like Karl Childers appears at the Hill's, except it's not Leanne, just a friend who drove her there in her semi.
• This line when Leanne first visits the Hills: "Oh, you have such a lovely home here. Of course, if somebody turned on a fire hose, it would all be ruined."
• This exchange:
  Leanne: I am so sorry for all the grief I caused you when I was drinkin'. I am walkin' with the Lord now, and I know I have found his forgiveness. I just hope I will find yours, someday.
  Hank: (getting up from his chair) Well, we'll let you know.
• In light of Leanne coming to their house, Hank makes a signal (touching two fingers to his forehead) for Bobby to run to Dale's house and stay there until he says it's safe to return. He uses the signal almost immediately:
  Hank: So, do you have a job?
  Leanne: No. And Lu-lu said the trailer's wrecked, so I guess I'm currently un-residented... (gives Hank a "pretty please" look)
  (long pause as neither Hank or Peggy say anything)
  Bobby: ...Why don't you stay here?
  Hank: Bobby. (touches his forehead with two fingers; Bobby runs out)
• Bill revealing that he and Leanne had sex in his garage:
  Hank: Dang it. At this rate, my new workbench is never gonna get used.
  Bill: Oh, it got used last night. Right after we took a little ride on your mower.
  (Hank lets out a disgusted groan)

Junkie Business

• Hank's hilariously un-P.C. interview question: "We're all Christians here. How about you?" He rewords it in a not-so-subtle fashion at the actual interview:

  Hank: If you could eat at Luly's with one of the following, would it be, A: Jesus, B: Mohammed, C: Golda Meir.
  Man: Uh, I, I don't eat at Luly's. They use lard.
  (Hank subtly throws his application in the trash)

  • Hank is reluctant to hire a qualified but beautiful woman.
    Peggy: Women are nothing to be afraid of. Just give her a hug. Just put your arms around her like this.
    Hank: I don't know, Peg. What if she gets her cheek up against mine, like this? (does so)
    Peggy: Hmm. Well, in that case, you can just start to struggle politely, like this. (does so)
    (after a Beat, the two make passionate love. Later, Peggy is sound asleep... pan to Hank, who is wide awake, disturbed how quickly that escalated)
    (the next day, at Strickland Propane)
    Hank: I'll keep your resume "on file", Ms. Montalvo. (throws her resume in the trash)
  • Hank in denial about Leon:
    Peggy: You hired a drug addict instead of that beautiful chicana? My God, Hank, how badly did you want that woman?
    Hank: Now, just hold on here. Leon's credentials are top-notch, even if they are from the nonprofit sector. "Six months at Helping Hands Institute. One year at Covenant Place."
    Peggy: Those are detox centers.
    Hank: Centers? No, look right here! "Institute." "Place."
    Luanne: Uncle Hank, you're in denial.
    Bobby: Yeah, dad. You're what Too Tall Jones called "a codependent enabler."
    Hank: Well, Leon does do a lot of vomiting, even for a new employee.
  • Leon foaming at the mouth and giggling in front of an elderly customer.
  • The Strickland Propane employees take advantage of the Americans With Disabilities act after Hank's new employee Leon is required to stay on despite using drugs:
    Hank: Customer. Jason, can you get that?
    Jason: Sorry, Hank, I suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder. If I get out of this chair, Garth Brooks is gonna die.
    Hank: Joe Jack, can you get that customer?
    Joe Jack: (on the phone, laughing) Much too angry, honey.
    Hank: Melinda, a little help, please?
    Melinda: Ugh, too bloated.
    Hank: Oh, heck, I'll do it myself.
    Peggy: What the hey is going on here?
    Debbie: Shh.
    Hank: It's Leon. Now all my employees want in on that damn Americans With Disabilities Act.
    Peggy: (offended) She shushed me!
    Hank: Debbie's got the yuppie flu, and Hector claims he has something called "priapism". He wants a roomier work station and a view of Debbie.

Life in the Fast Lane: Bobby's Saga

• When Hank and Bobby arrive at the race track:
  Hank: Well, Bobby, what do you think?
  Bobby: (rubbing the velvet rope) The rope is soft and pretty.
  Hank: (sighs) look at the pace car, Bobby.
  • Hank kicking Jimmy Wichard's ass. Really nice to know that kicking somebody's ass is more than just an empty threat or a catchphrase with Hank.

Peggy's Turtle Song

• Most of the episode, but especially any scene with Bobby on ADD medication (The last part of the line doubles as the episode's stinger).
  Bobby: There's some milk in the fridge that's about to go bad... and there it goes.
• The ending to the episode deserves special mention - after a stressed-out Luanne takes one of Bobby's ADD pills, Hank, Peggy and Bobby return home to find a hyperactive Luanne trimming the bushes outside their home into various shapes. The zany music in the background completes the scene.
  Luanne: (giggling) Welcome home. I cooked you brunch and I tuned your car and I fixed your mower and I ate the brunch.
• Hank shuddering while Peggy's practicing her turtle song.
• Hank, finding out Bobby supposedly has ADD at the doctor's office:
  Hank: I don't like the idea of puttin' my boy on drugs. Isn't there some kind of operation?
  Doctor: Your only other option is to send him to the special school across town. He'll have to wear a uniform. Can he button his own shirt?
  Hank: ...You bastards.
• When Hank first tells Bobby that he'll be taking ADD medication:
  Hank: Now, I know we've talked a lot about how you should never do drugs, but from now on you'll be taking medication after every meal.
  Bobby: So, do I smoke it or snort it or what?
  Hank: It's a pill, Bobby.
  Bobby: So, I guess I'll just pop it then.
  Hank: You will not "pop" it. You will place it in your mouth.
• Then a scene later, when Bobby's about to take the first pill:
  Bobby: (circling the pill around his head) Round and round and round it goes, when he eats it, nobody knows. (seemingly eats it, but then produces it from behind Hank's ear like a magic trick) Well, what have we here?
  Hank: (annoyed) Just pop the pill, Bobby.
• Boomhauer pulls up to Hank in his muscle car and reintroduces Hank to his mother, who proves to be just as much a Motor Mouth as her son.
  Hank: Happy Mother's Day, Ms. Boomhauer!
  Mrs. Boomhauer:I tell you what Hank I come around here like that and then for dang ol' brunch I raised this boy right he was just a little old thing it's like the best dang day of the year!

Propane Boom

Woman on TV': Because feeling fresh is important to a woman.
Hank: Bwaaaa!

• Hank throwing batteries at Megalo Mart in anger of being laid off from Strickland Propane:
  Hank: Take your damn batteries back. Take 'em back. Bastards! I don't want 'em. You can have 'em. Boy, you get a lot of batteries for $4. *beat* BASTARDS!
• This moment:
  Hank: Peggy's landed some extra work as a notary public.
  Bill: You got yourself a good man there, Hank.
  Hank: Uh... what did you just say, Bill?
  (Bill tries to climb over a fence but can't quite make it)
  • Even funnier: as soon as Hank turns to Bill, he's long gone, and no one notices which way he went and spend a good second looking around. Bill was fast.
• Luanne is studying to become a propane salesperson at Megalo Mart:
  Bobby: (quizzing her) Propane is, A) Flammable, B) Non-flammable, C) All of the above.
  Luanne: Hmm... well, you can't eat propane, so...
  Hank: (sighs) For God's sakes, it's flammable!
  Luanne: I could have gotten that!
  Hank: You would've NEVER gotten that!
  Luanne: UNCLE HANK!!!
  (Hank throws a sandwich he just made at her)
• Pretty hilarious black comedy: Boomhauer calling 911. Of course the operator has no idea what he says. But then his trademark motor mouth shtick is deconstructed in that, when told to slow down, he says the exact same words:
  Boomhauers: Hey man, this 911? I need ya here at the Megalo Mart, y'know, cause it BOOM, man, and is a fire and they, and it don't dadgum dat talkin' 'bout, blowed everywhere! I don't know, saw naked man runnin' out of there, I don't if he dead, Chuck Mangione gonna be comin' down here...
  911 Operator: Sir, you are going to have to speak more slowly. I cannot understand you.
  Boomhauer: Dang, ol', Meg-lo Mart, had, talkin', 'bout, dang, ol', dang, then, it, boom!

Season 3

Death of a Propane Salesman

• Dooley, to Bobby:
  Dooley: Your dad got blown up.
  • Peggy frantically looking for Hank after the explosion, leading to this gem:
    Peggy: My husband is in there! He had to take this job because nobody else would hire him!
    Paramedic: We're doing everything we can, Mrs. Mangione.
  • Also when Dale is trying to pitch a conspiracy theory to the investigators poking through the rubble of the Mega-Lo-Mart. The investigator calmly rebuffs his theories while doing his job and offers a sane, thought out rebuttal. Then Dale hits him with the conspiracy theorist's catchphrase.
    Dale: That's what they want you to think.
    Investigator: Sir, we are "they".
    Dale screams and runs off.
  • Black comedy in a way, but at the start of the episode, straight after Luanne's reaction to losing her hair, one of the firemen rescue Chuck Mangione from the rubble of the Mega-Lo-Mart. His hat's smouldering and he's clinging onto his flugelhorn for dear life with a look of total shock on his face. What he says sells the scene.
    Chuck: I don't feel so good...
  • Luanne's classmates make her a wig ("Sorry for your loss, you had beautiful hair"). She refuses to wear it. Bobby picks it up and tries it on; Hank quickly yanks it off his head.
  • At Buckley's funeral:
    Buck: Oh, didn't think I'd see you here. Guilty conscience, huh?
    Hank: Why would I have a guilty conscience? I did not blow up the Megalo Mart.
    Buck: Oh good, I'm glad you said that, Hank. I'm wearin' a wire for an unrelated matter.
    • When Hank does return to work, everyone still thinks he blew up the Mega-Lo-Mart, to which he is extremely tired of.
  • Chuck Mangione inserting "Feels So Good" into "Taps" at the funeral. As he does so, Connie whispers to Bobby that the whole thing is depressing, and the two run off to play in the cematary.
  • Luanne's "eulogy" at Buckley's funeral:
    Luanne: I guess y'all expect me to cry for Buckley, but I am not, because there are a lot more important things to cry about. (shows a giant picture of Bobby in his underwear reaching for a snack in the kitchen) This is a picture of what a hungry Irish child looks like. FIGHT THE OCCUPATION! FIGHT THE OCC-U-PA-TION!
  • Hank is going through PTSD regarding the propane explosion and now is terrified of even lighting his propane grill. He ends up throwing the steaks meant for the grill over his fence and using the incredibly lame excuse: "Aw dang, I lost the steaks." Cue Dale (who isn't convinced Buckley actually died) examining the meat:
    Dale: Gobbets of meat from the sky. (licks it) Doesn't taste like Buckley. (looks up suspiciously)
  • Hank has to attend group therapy for PTSD. At one point, he panics:
    Hank: Stop it! Can't you hear the hissing? It's propane! This room's gonna blow! (runs out)
    (the "hissing" is merely Chuck Mangione emptying his trumpet's spit valve)
  • Once Hank understands Kahn's story of the man getting chased by a tiger, he tells the story to Bobby in the only way that he can: as a Dallas Cowboys/Detroit Lions game.
  • Everyone at Strickland Propane is entirely convinced Hank blew up the Mega-Lo Mart and thank him for saving their jobs, and Hank keeps denying the fact.

And They Call it Bobby Love

• Bobby is going on about his new girlfriend, and Hank congratulates him... but then wants clarification:
  Hank: Bobby has a girlfriend? All right, son. (Beat) She's real, right? I mean, she's not imaginary or on a cereal box or anything, is she?
  Bobby: No.
  Hank: (pleased) All right.
  • Hank, Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer take an abandoned couch and sit on it in the alley. The garbage men try to haul it away but Bill lays on it, preventing them from taking it. This leads to:
    Garbageman: All right, but if you leave it out, somebody's gonna haul it away.
    Dale: Go to Hell.
  • Bobby is crying on the alley couch, preventing the guys from sitting on it. Hank speaks up:
    Hank: Uh, Bobby, I know it's not good when a girl breaks your heart. Uh, it's only natural to be sad. But the couch is a HAPPY place.

Peggy's Headache

• This:
  Hank: Does it bother anyone that we've known for years what's goin' on with Nancy, and Dale doesn't?
  Bill: Nancy's havin' an affair with John Redcorn?! This is the first I've heard of it! I am shocked, I mean I am shocked. That's what I mean, I am... appalled. [...] I don't believe it. I've known Dale and Nancy for years, and they have a fairy book marriage.
  Hank: Ugh, shut up, Bill.
• As soon as Hank finds out John Redcorn is treating Peggy, he drives right over to John Redcorn's trailer to tell him what's what... only for this exchange to happen:
  John Redcorn: Hank! Would you like a beer?
  Hank: This is not a social call, John Redcorn. [takes the beer anyway]
  • And then Hank threatens to kick his ass if John Redcorn is in any way unprofessional with Peggy... only for the the notably taller and extremely unthreatened John Redcorn to just brush his hair back without a care in the world.

Pregnant Paws

• This gem:
  Peggy: This could be Ladybird's last heat. If you don't do something — and fast — she is gonna spend the rest of her life childless and lonely, sulking about the house in soiled underwear. Like Bill.
  • Hank's experience at a gay bar:
  Hank: I met some men, we went to a bar, and before it all went horribly wrong, they told me a bunch of things I can do to get Ladybird pregnant. (taking Ladybird's temperature via ear) 100.4! She's ready for a stud!
  (Bobby looks up excitedly)
  • Hank put Buck Strickland on speed dial under the number for Peggy's mother. Later in the episode:
  Peggy: (on the phone) Mom, can I stay with you for a few- oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Strickland.
  • Dale in the bounty hunter class:
  Instructor: All right, we don't have much time, so let's get right to it.
  (he puts in a tape, and the same instructor on the tape says: "All right, we don't have much time, so let's get right to it.")

Next of Shin

• A doctor tells Hank he needs a sperm sample. Hank doesn't appear to understand until Peggy whispers in his ear. After he gets over his shock, Hank goes to the bathroom, but takes a really long time. The doc asks him if he'd like a magazine:
  Hank: Okay. Do you have "Popular Mechanics"?
  Doctor: Mrs. Hill, what did you tell him exactly?
  • Hank's shock when one of the Andrews Sisters impersonators is a guy in a dress and wig.
  • Hank at a Vegas bar:
  Bartender: What'll ya have?
  Hank: Beer.
  Bartender: I have Heine-
  Hank: (cutting him off) American.
  • Cotton has a pretty good one when he admits to Hank that Hank is a better father than he was. Could be considered a Heartwarming Moment if it weren't quite possibly the greatest example of a backhanded compliment ever seen.
  Cotton: Oh, Hank. You ain't in competition with me! Hell, if it's a contest on who's the better daddy, you win. I mean, you made Bobby! All I made was you.

Peggy's Pageant Fever

• Bill on Peggy entering the beauty pageant:
  Bill: Peggy's going to win. She's every man's fantasy!
  Hank: Okay, Bill, I'll take it from here.
  Bill: I mean, she's got an A+ brain and an A- body, but if she wears one of them push-up brassieres-
  Hank: Bill!
  Bill: (pause) ...She'll have a body that just won't quit.
  • Luanne, to Peggy:
  Luanne: Mrs. Heimlich County let me try on her crown and sash. Did you know she could play the lap steel guitar and she only has 9% body fat, and it's all in her breasts?
  • The scene when Peggy and Luanne ask Buck to sponsor her in the beauty pageant. Buck initially thinks Luanne is the one entering and is more than willing to cut a check, but when Peggy reveals she's the one entering and Luanne is just tagging along because she's her hair stylist:
  Buck: (over intercom) Debbie, did you finish writing up that check?
  Debbie: Yes, Buck!
  Buck: (disappointed) Oh sh... oh.
  • To get in good with Nancy (one of the judges on the beauty pageant), Hank offers a plate of brownies to Dale. He sweetens the deal:
  Hank: Oh, uh, and I'm done using my ratchet set, if you want to borrow it.
  Dale: You mean, if I want to keep it?
  Hank: Borrow it, Dale.
  Dale: Just a little reminder, Hank: My wife is the judge of your wife's beauty pageant. Keep it?
  Hank: Borrow it, or I'll step over this hedge and kick your ass.
  Dale: Keep it- (Hank takes a step forward; Dale screams and drops the brownies as he runs away)
  • This line from Peggy in the climax: "Helen, by chance, do you have any spare tape? My ass has come loose."
• About halfway through the episode Peggy replaces Luanne with a professional stylist, to increase her chances of winning. A few scenes later, Luanne, dancing through the house humming "My Favorite Things", takes a pair of Peggy's eyeglasses out of her nightstand, activates the garbage disposal, and is about to drop them in, before Hank catches her red-handed. And the surprised little squeak she gives out is just gravy.

  Hank: Luanne, I just spent an hour pulling one of your aunt Peggy's shoes out of that disposal. I'm starting to think that wasn't an accident!

  • And The Stinger, where it's suggested that Luanne and Peggy have made up, but when Luanne attempts to restore Peggy's dyed hair to its original look, it comes out resembing that of a troll doll. Luanne apologizes profusely, but gives a sneaky Evil Laugh when she walks away.

Nine Pretty Darn Angry Men

• Cotton and Hank attend a mower focus group the day after Thanksgiving dinner and Cotton keeps saying horrible, hilarious things about Hank's mom:
  Cotton: Your mower's obsolete Hank! When something gets old and tired you gotta trade up!
  Hank: You mean like you traded in mother for Didi?
  Cotton: I didn't trade your momma in; a trade-in has some value... I scrapped her!
  • At the end of act two, the moderator asks who's in favor of the "new model". Everyone but Hank and Bill raise their hands, which pleases Hank because he thinks he's on his side about the mower:
  Bill: Wait, are we voting for Hank's mom, or the mower?
  Moderator: The mower.
  Bill: (shoots his hand up) OH!
  • Former pastor Boyce Hubert in general.
  Boyce: Just because a baptism turns into a little drowning, everybody's gotta blame somebody.
  • And:
  Hank: Reverend Hubert-
  Boyce: I didn't drown that boy!
  • And:
  Boyce: (to Hank) I'm not sure if there's a God, or a Heaven, but one thing I can tell you, your daddy's going to Hell.

Good Hill Hunting

• "Did you get the batteries for Bobby's Game Boy and did you pack his back-up Game Boy?"
  • "Forget number six; you're now serving nonsense!"
  • Bobby propping up a cardboard drawing of a deer, then using a cherry fruit pie as a substitute for blood as he "kills" it and screams "Hi-yaaaaaaa!!!"
  Peggy: I'll be locking my bedroom door tonight. So please, be in by 10.
  • Hank, to Eustis: "You're taking that son of... yours... hunting?"
  • When Hank finds the La Grunta hunting experience costs $400, he offers the miniatures museum instead.
  Hank: Don't get upset, now. I was just testing you. (pause) You passed.
  • After Hank and Bobby leave La Grunta empty-handed:
  Hank: You know, there's plenty of worse things than getting to hold onto your boyhood for another year. And, uh, by "holding onto your boyhood", I didn't mean...

Pretty Pretty Dresses

• After Bill fails an attempt at suicide and Hank tries to convince him that Lenore will never come back by crushing the presents Bill had for her, Bill loses his sanity and starts to crossdress as Lenore, leading to one of the best quotes in the series:
  Bill: (in a high voice) Why do you keep calling me (voice suddenly lowers) Bill? (voice goes up again) My name is Lenore.
  • The ending, where Hank puts on a dress and pretends to be Lenore to bring Bill closure. After Bill tells "Lenore" to go away and Hank and Bill take of the dresses, Dale is in the background wearing a dress unnoticed, then runs off when he sees Hank and Bill aren't wearing dresses anymore.
  • Same episode- Bill is still pretending to be Lenore, and asks if she should go get Bill. Dale's response?
  Dale: I'm skeptical that you can, yet intrigued that you may.
  • Bill gets an iguana and names it "Lenore". Naturally, this creates confusion:
  Bill: I dreamt that Lenore came back and stole Lenore, and that Lenore drove off with Lenore and I ran down the street after them and I yelled, "Lenore! Lenore!" And then my teeth fell out.
  • Bill, dressed as Lenore, stands with the guys in the alley as usual.
  Bill: (high-pitched voice) Yup.
  Hank: (fed up) All right, that's it. (leaves)
  • The guys take turns watching over Bill in order to keep an eye on him after his suicide attempt. Dale's idea of "watching" Bill includes holding him at gunpoint and refusing to let him leave the couch.
  Bill: (starts getting up)
  Dale: Nuh-uh!
  Bill: But I have to tinkle!
  Dale: Not on my watch. (cocks gun)
  • When Bill's depression worsens, Dale starts preparing for his death by taking all of his stuff. First his pajama top, then his tv. Hank repeatedly points out to him that Bill is still alive, which Dale brushes aside.

A Fire Fighting We Will Go

• The set-up for the episode is that the guys are in trouble with the fire chief.
  Bill: Dauterive, comma, William Fontaine de la Tour, comma, Sergeant barber, comma, United States-
  Hank: Comma, numbskull, comma, shut up!
  • "I'm a fireman! I'm a HUDJIBAH!"
  • "The Jaws of Life, aka "the Jaws". Victim's trapped in a car, this baby'll peel it like an orange."
  Dale: Yeah, let's see what it does with a real orange.
  • Hank practicing how fast he can get out of bed, put on his fireman's outfit, and run outside. He does so:
  Hank: How'd I do?
  Bobby: (holding stopwatch) Aaaaaand... GO!
  (Hank groans in annoyance)
  • "Hank's a lumberjack, and he's okay."
  • Hank introducing himself to veteran fireman Chet Elderson:
  Chet: Ain't you the idiot what blew up the Megalo Mart? I was supposed to take my vacation that week. Idiot.
  • This exchange when the chief tells them they might face charges:
  Dale: My name is Rusty Shackleford. I refuse to speak without my attorney. (stands up and removes his hat) My name is Rusty Shackleford. I am Mr. Shackleford's attorney. My client pleads insanity.
  Bill: My name is Dauterive, comma, Bill. And, I am also insane.
  • This bit:
  Dale: (to Hank) Whatcha got under the foil, Mr. Party Pooper? Some... party poop?
  • The scene where Hank gets annoyed that Bill and Dale's ping pong match is interrupting his sleep. He goes downstairs and stomps the ping pong ball, and Bill retaliates by stomping his glasses. Boomhauer throws a hot Frito pie, which hits Bill in the face. Hank chases Bill upstairs ("My face hurts!" "And, it'll match your ass when I'm done kicking it!"), and Bill tries to escape by sliding down the fire pole but gets stuck in the hole. Hank goes back to bed, but hears the ping pong match continue between Dale and Boomhauer:
  Hank: Are you guys playing with that busted ball now?! Aaaagggghhh!!!
  • The news that Chet Elderson died. That's not the funny part as much as the men's reactions.
  Heck: (solemnly) I got bad news, men... Chet Elderson died. Natural causes.
  Boomhauer: Oh.. bummer.
  Hank: What a shame.
  Dale: Very sad.
  Bill: (cuts a loud fart)
  Heck: (looking up and seeing Bill's ass sticking out from the fire pole area) Oh, for crying out loud!
  • The moment when all four of the guys fall into Chet's grave. While pantsing the man's corpse.
  • Another part is where Boomhauer has to tell his version of a story that involves himself, Dale, Bill and Hank, with the other three all speaking like Boomhauer....while Boomhauer actually speaks normally and is understandable!
  Dale: Hey, tell you what, the dang ol' detector, man. Talkin' about government take away freedom of smoke, man. Tell you what, dang ol' yo, man... gih.
  Hank: Hey, man, I'll tell you what, man that dang ol' boy ain't right, man. Talkin' 'bout gonna kick that dang ol' ass, man.
  Boomhauer: For God's sake, Hank. Act like an adult, man. And keep it down, guys, will you? I'm trying to get through an article on vintage Camaros and I've been on the same dang page for 20 minutes.
  Bill: Dang ol', pretty pretty pizza, I'll tell you what.
  • The Running Gag of Peggy pulling her groin muscle from lifting Bobby.
  Luanne: Why don't you just admit to him that you hurt yourself picking up Bobby?
  Peggy: Oh honey, you've never been married.

To Spank With Love

• The Cold Open, when Peggy catches a snake:
  Joseph: Your mom's as cool as most people's dads.
  Bobby: It's like that book they took out of the school library: "I've Got Two Dads".
  Hank: (off-camera) No, you don't.
  • The in-unison flinch that Hank, Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer make when Peggy slaps her paddle.
  • Twice in the episode, an off-screen old man yells at Peggy, "Take off yer top!"
  • The whole alley exchange at the start of act 3:
  Bobby: You've got to do something about mom. This whole "Paddlin' Peggy" shtick is really creepy. Joseph won't even come over anymore, 'cause he's having nightmares about that stupid paddle.
  Dale: (to Hank) Did you hear that? My son is dreaming about getting spanked by your wife!
  Bill: Well that's not so unusual.
  Dale: You've got to get your woman in line.
  Hank: Peggy's been kinda... hard to talk to lately.
  Bill: Well, she's feeling powerful now, so her body is producing extra amounts of testosterone. I bet if Peggy wanted to, she could grow a mustache. (Hank glares at Bill) 'Course, I don't know why she'd want to.
  • During a tense dinner where nobody's talking, Luanne breaks the silence:
  Luanne: (excited) Guess who won best French manicure at the beauty academy today?
  (no response. At the end of the scene...)
  Luanne: All right, it was Sharona Johnson. It's not fair! She works really hard!
  • Peggy pulls out a ball and chain. Randy think she's going to use it on the troublemakers and exclaims, "Yes! Yes!"
  • Peggy gets back into Joseph's good graces at the end by telling him that the mulch he's spreading is made of paddle... and goat manure.

Three Coaches and a Bobby

• To inspire the team, Hank asks:
  Hank: Haven't you kids ever seen Rudy? A little fireplug of a "never say die" at Notre Dame? He died of cancer after the big game, I think.
• Coach Sauers, upon meeting Dale after decades:
  Sauers: Gribble! No one's... killed you yet.
  • Coach Lucas asks Hank for his email address:
  Hank: It's called "footballisgreatsoccerisdumb.com!"

The Wedding of Bobby Hill

• The episode had two CMOFs, the first being when Bobby (who had recently switched Luanne's birth control pills with candy in their escallating prank war) exclaimed to Hank in horror, "Dad! I've gotten Luanne pregnant!" (she wasn't, though) and then when Hank decides to teach Bobby and Luanne a lesson about pranking tells Bobby that he now has to marry Luanne, and sets up a fake wedding in the backyard. Kahn sees this from his side of the fence and says ever so merrily, "Mihn, it's finally happened! Hillbilly neighbor marry trailer trash cousin! You owe me five dollars! In your face!"
  Luanne: Uncle Hank! Bobby's trying to get out of marrying me!
  Hank: (off-screen) Bobby, you cut that out!
  • There's also the moment when Hank and Peggy are in the outdoor hot tub, and Dale approaches:
  Dale: Couldn't help hearing the bubbles. Mind if I... join?
  (drops his robe, wearing nothing but a speedo)
  Peggy: Oh dear Lord.
  Hank: Get the HELL out of here, Dale.

Sleight of Hank

• Hank telling the guys about the magic trick:
  Hank: Any theories?
  Dale: You're asking me if I have theories?!
  Hank: About the magic trick, Dale.
  Dale: Oh. Not a clue. Ah! It's done with twins! One Peggy in the pinata, one Peggy in the audience.
  Bill: Another woman who looks like Peggy? Smells like Peggy? Feels like-
  Hank: My wife does not have a twin.
  Dale: You don't know that for sure and you never will. They destroyed the proof when they blew up one of the Peggys.
  • Hank keeps trying to get Peggy to tell him how the magic trick was done. In one instance, he tells Peggy to get in a box, claiming he's figured it out and wants to show it to her instead of just telling her. He then screws it shut:
  Peggy: Okay, now what?
  Hank: Now you tell me how that trick was done.
  Peggy: What?
  Hank: You're not getting out until you tell me.
  Peggy: Hank!
  Hank: I can wait.
  Bobby: (comes in the garage) Mom, dad, we're gonna be late for church.
  Peggy: (from inside the box) I'll be right there, honey.
  (Hank sighs in defeat and takes the nails out)
  • Hank and Peggy's fight, which treads that fine line between serious and funny:
  Hank: The boy's twelve years old. What does he need clouds on the wall for? And they don't even look like clouds. They look like...
  Peggy: What, Hank? What do they look like?
  Hank: Well, like, like big white blotches of bad painting.
  Peggy: Well, maybe to someone with absolutely no imagination. I see all sorts of things.
  Hank: Well, if you ask me, you've got too much imagination. Everything's all loop-de-loops and flibbertigibbet. I live in the real world, where men sell propane and propane accessories. What do you do?
  Peggy: I trade in ideas. i am a substitute teacher and a professional muser.
  Hank: Yeah? Well, ideas don't put food on the table.
  Peggy: Oh, really? Oh, really? Well, ideas decide how to prepare that food.
  Hank: And then propane cooks it. I win.

John Vitti Presents: Return to La Grunta

• Luanne on her first day on the job:
  Supervisor: The golfers are cheap. They think, 'cause I'm a woman, I'm supposed to be Miss Merry Sunshine. Well, the hell with that.
  Luanne: I had no idea you were a woman.
  • Hank tries to mollify Luanne about rejecting the dolphin encounter she bought him while not actually saying he'll enjoy it.
    Hank: Well, hey, Luanne, you know what? I've never climbed into a pool with a big fish. Maybe this "dolphin confrontation" would be somethin' I'd be glad I had done after it was over.
  • Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer see Hank leaving the house with his golf clubs:
  Dale: Looks like you're goin' golfing.
  Hank: Yeah, looks like.
  Dale: Didn't know dolphins knew how to play golf. (the trio laugh)
  Hank: (puts the golf clubs back in the garage now that the jig is up) Shut up, Dale.
  • Hank's reaction to the "A Dream of Dolphins" video.
  Woman Narrator: (in Irish accent) I dive into the gentle sea to free the dolphin inside of me.
  Hank: (shudders) Buh...
  • After the "attack":
    Hank: Luanne, you and I have a secret that we must take to our graves.
    Luanne: Are you threatening to kill me, Uncle Hank?
    (long pause)
    Hank: Of course not.
  • On a fishing trip:
  Dale: I haven't made fun of you for going to the hotel yet.
  Hank: How long are you going to beat this into the ground? The hotel is history. I thought I could have a morning without hearing about the dolphin, but I guess not. So what's your damn dolphin joke?
  Dale: ...Now you've ruined it.
  Hank: Good!
  • The moment when Peggy slinks towards Hank on the bed, and all Hank can hear is dolphin chirps. He retracts with a frightened "Bwaaaaahaaaahaaaa!"
  • Hank tells Peggy what happened:
    Hank: You know I've never said this about anything before, but... it feels good to talk about it.
    Peggy: That's good, Hank. Come on, just let it all out. It is so horrible. I mean that creature swimming at you with that hungry look, waving his... I mean, does he even have a...
    Hank: It's a mammal, Peggy.
    Peggy: Oh, well, then of course he would. I'm sorry. He is a mammal and would have mammalian organs. Roughly in proportion to body size, I'm guessing?
    Hank: UH, that's enough talkin' about it, for now...
    Peggy: Whatever feels best. This is all so disorienting, it's hard not to... I mean, did he know where to go?
    Hank: Peggy!
  • Hank coming clean to Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer:
  Hank: I don't know what I'm going to do, but it starts with not lying about what happened. It's the dolphin who ought to be ashamed of himself.
  (Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer burst out laughing)
  • The ending:
  Luanne: Can I send the video to When Animals Attack now?
  Hank: I don't think so.
  Luanne: We could split the money.
  Hank: That's not necessary.
  Luanne: I can have it all?
  Hank: Luanne, give me the tape.
  Luanne: I already sent it in, I thought you'd say yes.
  (Hank sighs)

Love Hurts, and So Does Art

• When Hank assumes that people are looking at a picture of himself in high school and not a picture of his colon:
  Peggy: Wonder what they're all staring at.
  Hank: Probably the best running back Arlen High has ever known.
  Peggy: That's what I was staring at the whole ride here.
  Hank: (chuckles; modestly) Well, you know...
  • Khan trying to get Hank to sign a poster of the artwork, particularly because he's not making fun of him, he's trying to see if knowing Hank can get him in with the museum's upper-class patrons.
  • The moment when Dale says "Look at me! I'm Hank Hill and I just passed wind!", followed by Kahn of all people kicking him in the butt.
  • Bobby rides up to Hank, Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer on a Rascal scooter.
  Bobby: Guess what the school nurse got for me today? I'll give ya a hint. (rings Rascal's bell)
  • Hank is able to get his colon taken down by citing that it's against the law in Texas to defame beef.
  Artist: (as he's led out by the guards) You realize you will never have another avant-garde art exhibit in this state.
  Guard: We'll get by.

Hank's Cowboy Movie

• This moment:
  Hank: We'll go to get autographs, and Troy Aikman'll toss the ball around with you, and I wish I could've had Dandy Don Meredith or Roger Staubach throwing me passes when I was your age. Even Craig Morton would've been all right. (pause) I love you, Bobby.
  Bobby: (surprised) What?
  Hank: Uh, nothing. Hey, look at that bird.
  • While visiting the Dallas Cowboys training camp, Hank and Bobby check out the Strickland Propane Wichita Falls branch. The guys working there are jackasses who hate Texas, and start singing the Oklahoma Sooners' fight song while Hank tries to plug his ears and drown them out with the Cowboys' song.
  • Hank decides to make the promo video all by himself. When he takes it to an editor:
  Editor: Hank, I'm the best UHF editor in Texas, but I can't work miracles.

Dog Dale Afternoon

• Dale's paranoid about anyone touching his new mower, and hooks the mower up to a homemade security system that shoots someone that touches it with a BB. It goes off one night and Dale finds John Redcorn on the mower, heading through Nancy's bedroom window.
  John Redcorn: Dale! This isn't how I wanted you to find out.
  Dale: Quit screwing around with my mower!
  John Redcorn: ...You've GOT to be kidding.
  Dale: I don't kid about my mower. Now get inside and start massaging my wife.
  John Redcorn: (to Nancy, after Dale leaves earshot) He's taking some of the fun out of this.
• In a bit of Black Comedy, Dale (having been convinced to surrender himself to the police by Hank) announces to the policemen below that if someone is gonna shoot him, he wants it to be Bobby Hill, "because Bobby'll put me down clean". The fact that Bobby actually tries to take a rifle from one the snipers nearby is what sells it.

Take Me Out of the Ball Game

• A chauvinist conversation Peggy overhears that motivates her to join Hank's baseball team:
  Thatherton: Now I know what stinks so bad: Strickland's pitching.
  Coach Kleehammer: Oh, what can he do? The league requires a woman pitcher. And like I tell my gym class: Girls can't play sports.
  Thatherton: At least I found one that can get it over the plate, if you know what I mean. (Kleehammer stares blankly) I'm having sex with her.
  • Chuck Mangione inserting "Feels So Good" into "The Star-Spangled Banner" at the ball game.
  • Hank's out-of-nowhere "I love you." when asking Peggy to throw a different pitch than what she was intending.
  • Bobby exclaiming, "Thatherton!" with his mouth full.

As Old as the Hills

• Hank and Peggy have the house to themselves for their 20th wedding anniversary. Hank says that he rented an R-rated movie. Peggy asks which one, and Hank immediately realizes he picked the wrong kind of movie for the occasion: Platoon.
  • Hank asks Jim where he should take Peggy for their anniversary; he recommends a revolving restaurant. Jim asks if Hank wants the direct or scenic route:
  Jim: Most folks tell me the extra five minutes is worth it.
  Hank: Uh... direct.
  • Hank being a stickler for blood alcohol level:
  Waiter: Can I get you folks anything?
  Peggy: You know, I've never tried a Singapore sling.
  Hank: I think that has alcohol in it, Peggy. Unless you want me to be the designated driver.
  Peggy: Hank, this night is supposed to be special.
  Hank: Okay. I won't have my beer, then.
  Peggy: No. I won't have anything.
  Hank: Well maybe we can both drink. How much do you weigh?
  Peggy: I'll just have water, thank you.
  Hank: I'll have a beer. (Peggy gives him an annoyed look)
  • The introduction of Topsy, who freaks people out by puffing up his face.
  • Luanne hiding away in the house from Hank and Peggy. At one point, Hank completely misses her hiding under the sink as he tosses trash into the trash can attached to the back of the door, which Luanne silently closes while Hank is distracted talking to Peggy about their skydiving session.
  • The entire sequence of Bobby driving his stepgrandmother to the hospital after she goes into labor.
  Bobby: I can't ask for directions, I'm not even supposed to be driving this car!

Season 4

Peggy Hill: The Decline and Fall

• Hank and Luanne rush to the scene of Peggy's skydiving plummet to see if she's alright. Luanne spies the skull of a long-deceased animal and assumes it's Peggy's.

  Luanne: [screams] Oh, Aunt Peggy!!! Uncle Hank, we're too late!

• Hank is in the hospital waiting room while Peggy is inside. The waiting room TV happens to be on, which is tuned to football. Naturally, Hank can't help but sneak a peek:
  Announcer: Aikman takes the snap. Quick pass over the middle to Smith. To the 20! The 10! Emmitt Smith scores!
  Hank: (quietly) Yes!
  Doctor: Hank Hill?
  Hank: (turning around) I wasn't watching. Uh, just for a second. I have no idea what the score is, I couldn't tell you. Heh.
• Didi delivers her baby. Proud new nephew Bobby presents it to the mother.

  Didi: What's it's name?

  • The Running Gag of Luanne immediately bawling whenever she sees Peggy in her body cast.
  • Cotton decides to name the new baby "Good Hank". Hank objects, as it implies he's Bad Hank.
  Cotton: Well, ya burnt my burger, didn't ya, B.H.?

Cotton's Plot

• Cotton's Drill Sergeant Nasty tendencies are in full effect here. Bits of hilarity include making the semi-crippled Peggy ("Hank's Wife") crawl for her meals, denigrating her at every turn, and promising her that if she manages to get out of her wheelchair and climb up a hill, he will let her dance on his grave (designated burial plot).
  • Peggy realizes Cotton is the one man who can help her:
  Peggy: Teach. Me. To walk.
  Cotton: You ready to hate me more than you ever hated anyone in your life?
  Peggy: I already do!
  • Bill, Dale and Boomhauer all find.... interesting...uses for Peggy's body cast: Bill fetches it from the hospital dumpster after Peggy tells him that they just throw them away and dresses it up like Peggy, complete with a picture of her head, Dale dresses it up in his exterminator gear and sits it on the passenger seat of his truck so that he can use the carpool lane, and finally Boomhauer confiscates it from him and wears it himself and pretends to be another hospital patient to get a pretty nurse to wash and feed him.
  • Cotton claims he ate rat droppings to stay alive in a Japanese POW camp ("Called it 'jungle rice. Tasted fine!'), before making a garotte out of rats' tails, with which he strangled his guard and escaped.
  • Peggy finds out Cotton's stories are not entirely factual:
  Peggy: What? What are you muttering? Are you actually trying to defend him?
  Hank: I said that “fraud” used to be six-foot-four.
  Peggy: So?
  Hank: So when he came back from the Pacific he was five-foot-even. A Japanese machine gun blew away his shins. The doctor said he'd never walk again. Eighteen months later he walked right up to that doctor, reached up, and punched him in the kidneys.

Bills Are Made to Be Broken

• Hank's initially impressed with Ricky Suggs, as he heads onto the field with one of his legs still in a cast.
  Hank: Boy, I tell you what, if that boy doesn't make it into the NFL, he's got a job at Strickland Propane... pending Mr. Strickland's approval.
  • Bill's unintelligible stammering after Ricky gives his speech on breaking Bill's football record. Also used as The Stinger.
  • When Hank tries to get the football record book to add an asterisk next to Ricky's record, it's denied. Onto more important matters...
    "My motion to add "fatty fatty boombalatty" to the list of unacceptable hate speech?"
  • Bill gets his old football uniform out of the closet and tries to put on his helmet, but can't:
    Bill: Hank, how'd my head get so fat?
  • At the school assembly for the football team, Ricky gives a shout out to his girlfriend. Two stand up and shout "I love you, Ricky!" and then give each other dagger eyes.
  • Bill at same assembly:
    Bill: Arlen's number one! (no reaction from the crowd) Hey, where's the party tonight? Anyone's parents out of town?
    Player: (cough) Loser.
    Bill: Hey, my parents aren't even alive. PARTY AT MY PLACE!... Yeah. (still no response) ...'Kay.
  • Bill tries to lead the team to sing the school fight song from his day, but is told that they'd adopted "Candle In The Wind" as their new fight song in 1997.
    Bill: "Marilyn Monroe" or "England's Rose"?
  • After Bill scores the touchdown and gets his record back, he's unable to get up because of multiple injuries. Hank doesn't help:
    Hank: Don't look down at your leg. (Bill gets a worried look)

Little Horrors of Shop

• This exchange:
  Hank: Just remember to clamp your butt joint. (Bobby giggles) Oh, I get it.
  Bobby: I'm sorry, dad. I just, it's-
  Hank: No no, you're right. Joke's on me. You should use a miter joint there. That'll look better.
  Bobby: Than a...?
  Hank: Butt joint. (Bobby giggles again) Okay, son, now you're just rubbing it in.

Aisle 8A

• Connie on her second night at the Hills':
  Connie: Ugh. How many cows do you people eat in a year?
  Hank: Wait, we figured this out once.
  • This Truth in Television bit, when Hank tries to call Peggy but is connected to her voicemail instead:
  Voicemail: The person you have reached:
  Peggy: This is Peggy Hill. I am so sorry I cannot take your call. Please leave a message.
  Voicemail: ...Is not available. To leave a message-
  • Hank trying to have a talk with Bobby about a girl's montly.
  Hank: Bobby, every woman has a period...of time! Every month...
  Bobby: Even mom?
  Beat
  Hank: Bobby, if we're going to get through this, you can not ask me questions like that.

A Beer Can Named Desire

• The Hills visit Bill's family on their way to the football game and Bill asks to be left behind. It's because two of the three Dauterive widows are not related to him by blood and all three are itching to have sex with someone. Peggy tells him he needs to keep away from them all just to be safe, but Bill hopes to figure out which one is his cousin so he can have the other two after the sex. At the episode's end, Hank and the others return to the Dauterive house to find Bill waiting for them with a huge smile. Also a Moment of Awesome, considering how often Bill is let down by life. It's good to see him finally get a win.
  Peggy: Nice weekend, Bill?
  Bill: BOTH OF 'EM!
  • When they arrive at the mansion, Bill excitedly introduces all of the Hills (and Luanne) in his thick accent...but then fizzles out when introducing "Boomhauer."
  • "[Bobby] looks like the kid on the paint can!" (Referring to the "Little Dutch Boy.").
  • Also from that episode, attempting to keep Bill's dandified cousin Gilbert from influencing Bobby, Hank volunteers to sit next to him at dinner, with the excuse that they can discuss sports. This leads to the following exchange:
    Hank: So, Gilbert, how do the Saints look this year?
    Gilbert: Oh, I am more familiar with sinners than saints, my dear. And sinners always look good.
  • Hank, upon meeting Don Meredith:
  Don: My mom always calls me "Don" or "Donny".
  Hank: (star-struck) Wow. That's a great story, Mr. Meredith.
  • Hank tossing Bobby's dandy clothes that Gilbert gave him out the hotel window.
  • Peggy trying to speak to a French man in Spanish ("They're the same thing", she says), then promptly getting shown up by Bill who happens to be fluent in French.

Happy Hank's Giving

• John Redcorn gives Nancy "the eye" when she sees him at the airport departure area.

  Nancy: I'm, er... gonna make sure John Redcorn gets off okay.

  • And later, when Dale is removed from a car in the airport for smoking, Nancy and John Redcorn poke their heads up from behind the backseat.
• When everyone meets up at the end, the Hills' travel plans ruined, Bill shows up and admits that he made up an Uncle Stan as an excuse to drive the Hills to the airport:
  Hank: Yeah, kinda figured that...
  Dale: Very sad.

Not in My Back Hoe

• When Hank spends more time with Hal, and Hank comes home to find they've drank a lot of beers waiting for him to get back:
  Dale: You said you'd be back in a minute. Then we waited another. And then, after about a million minutes, I forgot why I was counting.
  Hank: Well what's the big deal? You don't get upset when I come home late from work.
  Dale: One, we get very upset when you work late, and two, you were out with him.
  Bill: Didn't you think Peggy might be worried you being gone so long?
  Hank: I called her.
  Bill: ...Yeah, well...
  Dale: We're bein' phased out.
  Bill: Out!
  • This out-of-nowhere moment when Peggy is playing a hand slap game with Bobby:
  Peggy: Do not watch the eyes, Bobby. The eyes cannot be trusted.
  Bobby: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice- (is slapped) OW!
  • The scene when Dale and Bill follow Hank and Hal:
  Dale: (in tape recorder) 10:15: Hank picks up Hal.
  Bill: What?
  (instead of repeating, Dale rewinds the tape and plays his recording: "10:15: Hank picks up Hal." Bill on the tape recorder: "What?")
  Dale: I SAID: "10:15: Hank picks up Hal!"
  • After Hal digs the hole instead of Dale or Bill:
  Hank: You should be thanking me. Hal worked that back hoe so fast, we're going to save a couple days' rental.
  Bill: (resentful) Yeah, and with the money you save, you could buy your friend Hal a dozen roses.
  Dale: NOW you're buying him roses?!
  • With Dale and Bill stuck in the hole, the alley is just Hank and Boomhauer. Hank breaks the awkward silence:
  Hank: So, uh... got any big dates?
  Boomhauer: (irritated) Man, dang ol' leave me ALONE, man. I'm talkin' about them old questions, man, them all questions, questions, questions. Man, nothing like my dang ol' mother, man, oh, "Boomhauer, when you gonna get married, make me a grandmother?" Dang ol'... (walks away)
  • When Hank starts to look for Dale and Bill, his first stop is Kahn's house:
  Kahn: You mean they missing? Minh! Yeah, hey, Minh! Two down, two to go!
  • When Hank comes across Dale and Bill stuck in a hole inside their back hoe:
  Hank: Well, I'll get out of your hair. But before I go, I am curious. What's the best way of driving you out of that hole? I mean, you guys have more experience with this machine than me. What do you think? Would it be better to wide the hole beyond the tree, then extend the boom, plant the bucket, let out the outriggers, then release and replant the bucket-
  Dale: Wait wait, we'll, we'll humor your little experiment, but you'll have to slow down.
  Hank: On your left there, pull the extender as far back-
  Bill: Left, is it?
  Hank: Yeah, the lever closest to me. (pause) Take that in your hand. (Bill hesitantly grabs it) Good.
  • After Hank helps the two out of the hole they've been in for the last two days:
  Bill: Friendship is our country's sweetest wine.
  Hank: Okay. You're very delirious.

To Kill a Ladybird

• Hank, on the raccoon: "Get outta here!... ya furry bastard." Funny for the way he delivers it.
  • Every time a rabies-infected Dale closes his eyes, he sees strange characters chasing colorful geometric shapes in a dark infinite limbo. He has stopped closing his eyes.

Hillennium

• Dale showing Nancy his plan for procuring fresh meat after the Y2K apocalypse, which is a pair of breeding gerbils:
  Nancy: Uh, Dale, shug? One of those is a hamster.
  Dale: You laugh now, but after a few weeks of eating nothing but irradiated cockroaches, you will be begging for gerbster!
  • And, of course, the end result of his harebrained plan: "My DEEEEEW!!"

Old Glory

• Bill's gigantic American flag, which is so huge that it blocks the sun from Kahn's window. He accidentally sleeps in as a result and gives an anguished scream when he sees it's bright outside. When Kahn tries to lower the flag, Bill comes outside in a towel and warns him: "Kahn, you touch that flag, and it'll be the last thing you ever touch." Kahn inches towards it and Bill chases him out of his yard, his towel falling off in the process.
  • Hank, to Bobby: "An "F" in English? Bobby, you speak English!"
  • The marching band playing an off-key version of "Walking on Sunshine" at the end.

Rodeo Days

• Hank is pleased that Bobby is getting into rodeo, since it keeps him away from the video games.
  Hank: He was playing this Tomb Raider game where he was a girl.
  • Combined with Moment of Awesome, this one bit of Toilet Humour, wherein Bobby dresses up as a rodeo clown to save Joseph. At first his usual material fails to distract the horse, but then he grabs the fire extinguisher and blasts it between his legs saying "Oooooh what did I eat?! Everyone avoid the nachos!".
  • The clincher is when Bobby hops into the barrel, and says "I'm okay!" only for him to spray the fire extinguisher and say "NO! NO I'M NOT!"

Hanky Panky

• When Miz Liz is made the new boss of Strickland Propane, she calls Hank into her office:
  Miz Liz: What's the worst job on this team?
  Hank: Worst paying, or most degrading- aw, hell, it's the same for both: Tank wipe.
  Miz Liz: Debbie!
  (Debbie peeks her head around the corner)
  Miz Liz: You're on tank wipe!
  (Debbie scowls)
  • Miz Liz calls Hank to her house on a phony propane emergency, but really wants to seduce him instead. At one point, she opens a bottle of wine: "And these are two glasses." Hank is still clueless about her intentions:
  Hank: Yeah, a back-up glass in case one of them breaks.

High Anxiety

• After Hank's been nervous about being arrested for accidentally smoking pot:
  Hank: I want you to promise me you won't ever do drugs, Bobby.
  Bobby: I promise.
  Hank: (distraught) A promise means nothing when a junkie tricks you into smoking a joint, when you think it's a cigarette, which you shouldn't smoke either, now promise me!
  Bobby: Okay, I promise!
  Hank: (morose) Promises mean nothing.
  Bobby: (firmly) Look, dad, I'm not gonna use drugs, 'cause drugs are for losers, and I'd never want to disappoint you.
  Hank: (guiltily) Ugh...
  Bobby: Plus, I wanna be the first chubby comic to live past thirty-five!
  • The sheriff's and Ranger Payton's exchange:
  Sheriff: (noticing Payton leaving the convenience store) Leaving the Get-In Get-Out so soon, Payton? I'm sure there are some candy bars you haven't questioned. You better take them Three Musketeers into separate rooms, maybe one of 'em will crack.
  Payton: That's a good one, sheriff. How'd Hee Haw ever let you get away?
  (sheriff pretends to find it amusing but quickly changes to a scowl)
  • Strickland reassuring his employees that he's completely innocent: "Now, I ain't a stupid man. I heard the rumors, I know that I got some fingers a'pointin' at me. But I'm givin' you all the Buck Strickland guarantee that I didn't kill that pretty girl. I wanna catch the murderer more than anything, so, if any of you have any information for the police... whyncha just come see me first and we'll discuss the best way o' handlin' that."
  • The ending:
  Hank: Well son, I guess I let you down, doin' drugs like that, when I've always told you not to.
  Bobby: Y'know, if I did something like this, you'd punish me. Maybe I should be able to punish you.
  Hank: (chuckles) Well, okay, son, what's my punishment? Am I grounded?
  Bobby: That's too easy. (thinks) You cannot mow the lawn for one week!
  Hank: Aw come on, son, it was an accident.
  Bobby: You wanna go for two?

Naked Ambition

• When Bobby tells Joseph that he accidentally saw Luanne naked, he's stoked:
  Joseph: Was she wearing high heels?
  Bobby: She wasn't wearing anything!
  Joseph: I'm gonna picture her in high heels.
  • Dale, before leaving to get Boomhauer out of the mental facility:
  Dale: (holding his pet turtle, who has tucked inside its shell) Oh come on, where you going? I'm not leaving without my kiss. I can wait. (Beat) I can destroy you.
  • A misunderstanding occurs where Connie thinks Bobby and Joseph were trying to see her naked:
  Connie: Is THIS what you came to see? (she's shown from the back opening her bathrobe) Well take a good look, you pervs! (cuts to her front; she's still wearing her pajamas underneath) You disgust me.
  • Dale, at the facility:
  Dale: ...Which is why so many people are suddenly allergic to peanuts. The peanuts are emitting toxins as an evolutionary defense mechanism. They're tired of being eaten and now they're fighting back.
  Doctor: I see.
  Dale: Anywhoo, I just stopped by to pick up my buddy Boomhauer. You see, we're both in here by mistake. Now I can't vouch for Boomhauer, but I am most definitely not crazy.
  Doctor: Go on.
  Dale: Did you just say "Go, mom"? Now who's the crazy one?
  • After Hank gets the guys out of the asylum and arrives home, he discovers Bobby trying to take one of the ladders so that he can join Connie. When Bobby asks why Hank was there, he casually answers "I was just getting the guys out of the insane asylum.". It seems he's so used to the sort of strange situations his friends get into that it doesn't faze him, anymore.
  • The ending. Joseph has been trying to sneak a peek at Luanne naked the whole episode, but is always unsuccessful. At the end, Kahn catches Bobby kissing Connie and just happens to be in the line of vision of an open bathroom window at the Hill's, where Luanne walks by after showering.
  Luanne: Aaah! Aunt Peggy! Mr. Kahn saw me naked!
  Joseph: (on the street, on his bike) Aw man...

Movin' on Up

• After Luanne accidentally walks in on Hank and Peggy about to have sex:
  Luanne: I thought you guys were sleeping. (snickers) But you guys weren't sleeping!
  Hank: Exit the master bedroom right now!
  • To deter prospective buyers from buying the empty house, Hank and the guys pretend to be stereotypical rednecks:
  Bill: I just whipped up a fresh batch of possum stew I'd be willing to share with you. Don't worry, I took off the feet.
  Buyer: What'd be say?
  Kahn: (nervously) All great chefs do that now. Wolfgang Puck cut the feet off everything.
  Dale: Got my own life fine, / Got my own fiddle, / Sun's comin' up, / I got Gribble, Gribble, Gribble.
  • When Bobby notices one of Luanne's roommates shaving his legs:
  Bobby: Guys can shave their legs too? That's very interesting.
  Hank: (urgently) Peggy.
  Peggy: Bobby!
  Bobby: Sorry, dad.
  • The end credit scene. Cotton and Topsy go to visit Pops, unaware that he's dead at this point. The male deadbeat roommate, Griffin, answers and explains his death. Cotton accuses him of murder, and when Topsy goes to grab him, Griffin calls them Nazis ^note This was the insult the deadbeats gave out to anyone, especially Luanne, for wanting them to work or didn't fit their views, big mistake calling two War Veterans who fought "Nazis". Cotton headbutts him and he and Topsy enter the house. They both come out, implied to have successfully beaten Griffin up, and leave.
    Cotton: Alright Topsy- let's roll!

Won't You Pimai Neighbor?

• This exchange:
  Bill: So, how long you been celibate?
  Monk: Three years.
  Beat
  Bill: The fourth year's the hardest.
  • Cue look of WTF from the monk.
• Followed immediately by:
  Hank: I'm going to kick your ass!
  Monk: If my ass will be kicked, then it will be kicked.
  • This exchange:
  Hank: The Buddhists think Bobby is a holy man. Now that's just sad.
  Peggy: Hank, Hank, Hank, listen to this: Richard Gere is a Buddhist.
  Hank: Just keeps getting sadder.
  • When Hank catches Bobby meditating with a Buddhist mark on his forehead, he says they're Methodists and don't do that.
  Bobby: I've been meaning to ask you, what is Methodism, anyway?
  (Hank is stumped; cut to Hank and Bobby having a meeting with Reverend Stroup at the church)
  Stroup: Methodism is a rejection of Calvinism.
  Hank: Ah.
  • There's also this exchange:
    Stroup: Bobby, do you love Jesus?
    Bobby: With all my heart.
    Hank: (under his breath) Buddhist liar...
  • Hank's prayer:
  Hank: Lord, Hank Hill here. Methodist. Sorry about missing the homeless prayer service. Now, about Bobby; I'm pretty sure we're on the same page about this lama thing. I was kind of hoping that you could just have him fail this test tomorrow, you know, like you've had him fail so many other tests in the past. (hears Peggy preparing to leave the bathroom) Uh, oh, and, uh, the starving kids, uh, gotta go. Amen.

Hank's Bad Hair Day

• All the unhinged behavior of Jack - Hank's barber - due to his increasing dementia:
  • Stealing a guy's bike and riding off on it during the middle of Hank's haircut.
  • Telling Hank to take off his shirt ("You're going back into work, aren't you? A lunchtime haircut, you take off your shirt!")
  • "Have a seat, Hank, I'll be with you as soon as I'm done with this gentleman here." (the chair is empty)
  • And his reaction when Hank breaks the news that he's not going to be a customer anymore:
  Jack: You don't have to say it, Hank. I'm getting out of the business. I just can't deal with the jackasses anymore. You were one of the good ones, Hank. But your kid's a jackass. (shampooes his head and uses a hair dryer, spraying the foam on the barbershop window)
• This Noodle Incident:
  Bill: I heard about Jack, I'm sorry.
  Hank: How did you hear about Jack?
  Bill: Well it was on TV. You didn't see the high speed chase?
• Bill discovers Hank looking through the yellow pages for a different barber, despite that he could easily cut Hank's hair himself.
  Bill: How the hell would you know if I'm a bad barber?!
  Peggy: He's the same way with me.
  Bill: (coldly) You're an amateur, Peggy. (Peggy looks annoyed)
• Hank tries out a different barber which is blaring techno/pop music when he opens the door; he walks in and immediately walks out.
• This bit:
  Hank: A letter from the U.S. Army. Hope I'm not drafted! Hehe... (Bobby isn't paying attention) heh.
• When Hank inadvertently gets Bill fired from cutting hair for the Army, Dale comes over:
  Dale: You eliminated Bill. Bill-iminator!
  Hank: What?
  Dale: The Army shut down the sergeant barbers. Now Bill has no purpose in the Army, either.
  Hank: Oh no. Is Bill all right?
  Dale: I didn't ask. I came straight here so I could see your face when you found out what you did. (notices the "Point of Light" that the Army gave Hank) Is that real crystal? Hey, look, you can make a prism.
  (holds it in front of Hank's head, which distorts Hank's face in a rather amusing manner)
• The scene when Hank declares "I'm going to write my Congressman!" He goes to Peggy's closet office and tries to turn on her computer by merely holding up the mouse and clicking multiple times. Fade to later; Hank's hand-written a letter instead, and the keyboard and mouse is sitting on top of the computer.

Meet the Propaniacs

• Buck Strickland admits that Bobby's grandpa Cotton unnerves him....

  "I used to chase tail with your grandpappy! He's a...MEAN kinda 'funny'...."

• "Gas cop, gas cop, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when he coooooomes foooooor yoooooouuuu?"
  • Hank is chewed out for doing a skit where he accidentally reveals that Texas Propane Dealers Association President Charlie Fortner wears diapers. Charlie threatens that if his troupe ever does their act again, Hank won't work in propane again. Hank tries to get back on Charlie's good side:
  Hank: Sir, if it makes you feel better, I also wear diapers.
  Charlie: Which brand is more absorbent?
  Hank: Well, uh...
  Charlie: Get OUT!

Nancy's Boys

• Peggy mentions to Hank that Nancy only sleeps with Dale on Christmas and his birthday. Later in the episode, after she ends up telling Peggy that she slept with Dale after a date...
  Peggy: Oh my god, we forgot his birthday!
• This bit:
  Peggy: (sweetly) Hank, would you like to dance?
  Hank: (clueless) Oh, no thanks. I'm on my feet all day.

Flush With Power

• The scene where Hank reads many of Peggy's musings as a method of filibustering.
  Hank: "They say "time flies", but with the way the airlines are going these days, maybe time should take the bus." That's right, the bus.
  • When everyone finally votes against Nate Hashaway on the low flow toilet issue:
  Nate Hashaway: Fine. Have it your way, you do-gooding phonies. I hope you all rot in Hell. (throws down his gavel) (pause) See you next Tuesday.

Transnational Amusement Presents: Peggy's Magic Sex Feet

• Dale brings Hank over to his basement to show him that Peggy's feet are appearing on fetish websites, with various items poured over her feet. At one point:
  Dale: Ssh. Here comes the fondue.
  Hank: No it doesn't! (unplugs Dale's computer)

Peggy's Fan Fair

• This bit:
  Peggy: If I'm lying, may God strike me down RIGHT now! (beat) ...Ha!

Season 5

The Perils of Polling

• The parody of JFK when Hank keeps rewinding the tape of George W. Bush shaking a voter's hand and them being let down when it's limp.
  Hank: Surprise... disappointment. Surprise... disappointment. Surprise... disappointment.
  • Hank trying on a golfer's hat:
  Hank: I look like a jackass. (chuckles)

The Buck Stops Here

• Buck Strickland cranks his Large Ham tendencies up to eleven throughout this episode.
• After Bobby, riding a block of ice down a hill, accidentally rams right into a golfer and is picked up by a golf security guard for it:
  Guard: Do you know who you knocked down? The chairman of the Membership Committee. Yeah, that's right. Corky Haywood. I'd be wetting myself, too, right now if I were you.
  • When Bobby tries to apologize to Buck Strickland for it, Buck takes Bobby's side:
  Bobby: But that security guy said I was fired.
  Buck: Then that security guard is fired!
  Bobby: No, please don't-
  Buck: Too late, he's fired.
• MIZ LIZ!!! TWO HOT TODDIES!!!
  • Bill randomly bringing up a dream before Hank cuts him off:
  Bill: I had a dream last night where we [himself, Hank, Dale, and Boomhauer] were all naked. Except for you, Hank, you had these tiny clear plastic underpants on. Actually, they weren't doing you any good, because you could see everything. But the weird part was—
• NOBODY sneezes while Buck Strickland's putting! Except for Buck Strickland!
  • This bit, after Bobby tells an anecdote about Buck at the golf course:
  Hank: Well, while Buck's out enjoying himself on the links, I'm just glad he's got someone like me at the shop to keep the trains running on time. Take today, for instance. We got a surprise call from the Propane Association. They needed to talk to Buck. Well, I handled it. Told them that would be fine. Yep, that's just the kind of fires I have to put out when Buck's not around.
  • After Bobby brags about helping Buck cheat at golf and uses salty language, Hank tells him, "Well, there is no getting around the rules in this house. If you like cheating and lying so much, why don't you go to Buck's house?" and drives Bobby to Buck's house, thinking Buck will turn Bobby away ("He's no babysitter"). It backfires spectacularly.
• WHOO-EEE!! SENT THAT WHORE HOME IN A TAXI!!!
  Buck: (opens the door) Hey! Bobby! (takes Bobby inside and shuts off the outside light)
  • Hank, to Buck's house maid: "If Mr. Strickland calls, you tell him... I'm taking a personal day."
• I'M RIDIN' A GRAVY TRAIN WITH BISCUIT WHEELS!!
  • Bobby is stuck in a dark alley waiting for Mr. Strickland to get done gambling. A couple (who have been drinking) are making out nearby. At one point, the woman vomits:
  Man: You all emptied out, Carla?
  Carla: Yeah.
  (the two resume making out)
  Bobby: (grossed out) OH GOD!!!
  • At the end, Hank saves Bobby and Mr. Strickland from a group of angry gamblers. Buck jumps into the bed and, as they are driving away, taunts the pursuing gamblers. Hank immediately slows down so the gamblers catch up to them and punch Mr. Strickland out. Much to Hank's satisfaction.
    YEEAAAHHH!!! COME AND GET ME, YA SONSABITCHES!!!
    [the truck stops and the thugs catch up]
    NO HANK, GO, SPEED UP, GET US OUTTA HERE- [gets punched int the face, Hank restarts the truck]
    YEEAAHHH!!! THAT'S RIGHT, YA BACKWATER HICKS!! YOU MISSED BUCK AGAIN!!! WHOO-HOOO!!!
  • The subplot where Peggy and Minh compete for who can donate the most blood (the winner gets a coffee mug). By the end, Peggy is crawling on the lawn to show off her mug to a jealous Minh.
  Peggy: (weakly) I think I'll go inside and brew some coffee. (still lying on the lawn) Yep. That's gonna taste sweet.

I Don't Want to Wait

• The moment when Joseph kisses Minh, misreading her signals.
  Joseph: Sorry, I just thought you liked me.
  Minh: Oh yeah, you rock my world.
  • Joseph runs back to the Hill's garage, where Hank and Peggy are lying in their custom-made coffins. When they sit up and look at Joseph, he freaks out and runs off.
  Peggy: You think I should get out of my coffin and see what's going on?
  Hank: Over my dead body.
  • This exchange:
  Connie: I didn't mean to kiss Joseph. It was just that he was so sad and tall.
  Bobby: And you're so loose, and cheap.

Spin the Choice

• Peggy describes a Wheel of Fortune-style game that she devised:
  Peggy: Well, the game is pretty straightforward. You can choose to spin or you can choose to choose. If you choose to spin, you can land on "spin," or "choice," or "lose a spin" or "lose a choice," or "free spin" or "free choice," or "spin again."
  • Everyone thinks John Redcorn is a cannibal after Bobby shared some trivia about a certain Native American tribe from centuries ago.
  Dale: So Joseph called you a cannibal. It's not like it's true, is it?
  John Redcorn: Of course not. Any cultural anthropologist will tell you that the Anasazi tribe last practiced cannibalism over 700 years ago!
  Dale: And you are affiliated with what tribe?
  John Redcorn: Dale, I don't eat people! For God's sake! It would be like me accusing you of cannibalism just because that nut in Michigan who boiled body parts on his stove was white. And that disc jockey in Philadelphia who ate people in his basement. Also white.
  • When playing the titular game, Bill spins Peggy's arm on the prize wheel. She initially stops her arm on a Winnebago, and Bill celebrates... then Peggy moves her arm to the inferior prize below it.
  Bill: I spun it a little too hard.
• John Redcorn breaking down crying in his car would be sad, if he didn't make the foolish decision to try and get a Cooldown Hug from Hank, who scrambles out of the car in terror at the prospect of that much open emotion.

Peggy Makes the Big Leagues

• Peggy, on quarterback David Kalaiki Alii sleeping through her class:
  Peggy: (to Hank) ...And he continued to sleep peacefully. It was pure chaos!
  • Peggy shouting "STOP!!!" at the end of class, then calmly saying, "Okay, please hand in your midterm."
  • When a group of parents finds out that Peggy flunked David (which puts him out of the game for three weeks), they enter Strickland Propane to confront Hank. One of the parents says: "Do you know what happens in those three weeks? San Marcos, Belton, McMaynerbury. McMaynerbury, Hank!" They also knock over a tag rack on their way out:
  Buck: Now you got two messes to clean up!
  • As a loophole to get David back to playing, Hank agrees to hire him at Strickland Propane for a work study program. David's final essay is gold:
  Hank: "Strkkland Propene does not have a vending machine. It smells, and I thank God every day I get home that I didn't get exploded. The end." (pours a shot of beer) May God have mercy on me... (gives the paper an A)
  • Hank, to the booster club, coming to his senses about what he did:
  Hank: David Kalaiki Alii received an A on his propane exam.
  (cheers from the group)
  Hank: But, he deserved an F.
  (pause... then cheers from the group)
  • When Hank asks Buck if he even read said paper later:
  Buck: It's a classic! "I thank God every day I didn't get exploded." (taps at his heart) Gets to you.
  • When David's mother puts on an act that David is learning disabled, David comes in and asks, "Hey, what's all this crap? Where's all my Swanks?"
  • The next day at school, David approaches Peggy, who still thinks he's learning disabled:
  Peggy: Oh, no, David. The pep rally is down the hallway, honey. Wait. Did you poop yourself?
  David: I deserve that.

When Cotton Comes Marching Home

• Cotton is reprimanded for leaving his greeter's stool:
  Cotton: I've done everything for this country. I gave my shins to beat the Tojos. I bit a Nazi's windpipe in half!!!

Twas the Nut Before Christmas

• When Bobby drinks beer given to him by Wally.
  Bobby: HEY, DAD! I LIKE BEER! (pukes)
  (Hank shudders in anger)
  • And what follows immediately after the act break:
    Hank: (pointing to Bobby, Joseph, and Connie) YOU, YOU, AND YOU: Go home NOW! (to Wally) You get the hell out of here! (Wally blows cigarette smoke in Hank's face, Hank throws Wally down and storms into Bill's house) That does it! I've had about enough of this Christmas crap! (slams the door behind him) Bill! Dang it, Bill! Some of us are trying to raise kids in this neighborhood! Good kids; the kind who don't try to kill their parents in their sleep. Kids like Bobby!

Chasing Bobby

• Hank's lame excuse to Bobby for why he was crying while watching "The Flowers of Time":
  Hank: So, I forgot how long the straw was, and it caught me in the eye. That was Sprite running down my cheek, not tears.
  • Hank and Buck are driving to a client to save an account (the client had accused Enrique of short-filling the tanks). To keep the engine from overheating, Hank turns up the heat in the car, causing both of them to sweat profusely. When they arrive at the client:
  Clark: Now someone is lyin' to me. Let's see... is it the girl in accounting, my daughter... or you fellas?
  (cut to Hank and Buck, who are still sweating and look guilty as hell)
  Buck: Scout's honor, Roy. If Hank says those tanks were filled, by God, those tanks were filled!
  Hank: Actually, sir, if you recall, what I said was-
  Buck: Whoo-ee! I don't like to get this sweaty lessen I have a, you know, little lady to towel off on.
  (Buck drops to his knees and slowly passes out from heat exhaustion)
  Hank: (to Clark) ...We lost the account, didn't we?
  • This bit at the start of the next scene:
  Bobby: So I raised my hand and said: "Mrs. Donovan, I think I speak for the whole class when I say the homework load has been a little heavy lately." And the class erupted!

Yankee Hankee

• Irwin Linker, to his own daughter:
  Irwin: Take your hands off me, you gutter slut.
  • The ending:
  Hank: I'm not a native Texan, I'm just a Texan.
  Peggy: And I am a Texan, too.
  Hank: I don't remember seeing any Montana flag at the Alamo.
  Peggy: Well, it wasn't a state yet.
  Hank: Fine. Everybody's a Texan. Change planes in Dallas, you're a Texan.

Hank and the Great Glass Elevator

• When Hank finds out that Peggy and Bobby have been using charcoal for grilling rather than propane, and Peggy trying to make excuses:
  Peggy: Luanne asked me to hold it for her, I thought it was drugs!
  • The way Hank phrases his taste test:
  Hank: (holding two burgers, one cooked with propane and the other with charcoal) I want you to choose, Peggy, right now. Which is better? Charcoal, or me?

Now Who's the Dummy?

• Hank and Peggy are in bed and they hear Bobby saying "Fluttering butterflies" from the other room.
  Hank: "Fluttering butterflies"? (sighs) Not in this house. (goes to Bobby's room, where he's practicing how to speak with a ventriloquist dummy) ...New rule: Lights out at 8:30! (shuts door)
  • When Hank first finds out about the ventriloquist dummy:
  Hank: (after drinking a beer) Another.
  Bill: Don't you think you've had enough?
  Hank: Another.
  Bill: Yes, sir. (hands him one)
  Hank: (after chugging another beer) My son is playing with dolls. There. I said it.
  Dale: He's a sissy. There. I said that.
  • After Dale puts the titular dummy through a woodchipper and Hank threatens to kick his ass, Dale breaks out his escape plan: Chloroforming himself.
  Dale: You wouldn't hit an unconscious maaaa... *falls unconscious, Hank kicks him aside*
  • The ending to the episode, where Hank and Bobby scare Dale with the new ventriloquist's dummy fashioned after Bobby through his CCTV camera (which alerts him of a "perimeter breach" in Dale's voice), Dale screams in panic and chloroforms himself again.
  Dale: You'll never catch Dale Griiiibbbbbb.... *Collapses*
  Hank: *chuckles* You were right, Bobbies. Ventriloquism is fun!

Ho Yeah!

• Hank Hill at the end. Could also count as a Moment of Awesome.
  Hank: "I am the Mac Daddy of Heimlich Country! I play straight up, yo!"
  • Please note that while he was doing this he was wearing a pimp hat, driving a Cadillac car (which he got from Cotton while he went to a swap meet), and had both Peggy and their houseguest Tammy in the backseat while they both were dressed like hookers (one of which was actually a Hooker, try to guess which one) And the person he was chewing out was Alabaster Jones, a Pimp from OKC. Immediately after this, Dale begged Hank not to "turn him out" claiming he is "no good" and to ask his wife to verify this.
    • The pimp was voiced by Snoop, too!
  • His "trap" when trying to shake off the pimp that is chasing him with his car: he waits on a yellow light just long enough so he can be the only one to cross before the light turns red. Hank is aghast when he sees the pimp crossing on the red light.
    Hank: What? He ran a red light! You can't do that!
  • Perhaps one of the funniest "bwah" moments in the series, after Hank learns that Tammi is a prostitute and he realizes he's been acting like a pimp:
  Hank: Son of a... bwaaaaaahhhhh!!!
  • After finding out the truth about Tammy, he goes to confront her at the library, where she's studying for her GED with Peggy. Hank tries to be as quiet as possible, but to no avail:
  Peggy: Who is Alabaster?
  Hank: Tammy's pimp...sh-she is a prostitute!...
  Peggy: Hank, that is a terrible thing to say. Why would you even think that?
  Hank: BECAUSE TAMMY IS A HOOKER!!!

  • Cue shocked expressions from the nearby onlookers.
  • Tammy tries to warn Hank against confronting Alabaster:
  Tammy: Hank, don't! Alabster's a little guy, but he'll mess you up!
  Hank: (sighs) No offense, but he's from Oklahoma.
  • Alabaster tries to work out a deal with Hank.
    Alabaster:Say man- what you want for that jasper brunette?
    [Peggy gasps in shock]
    Hank: THAT IS MY WIFE!!
    Alabaster: Man, that is the biggest mistake a pimp could make- marryin' one of his hoes!
• "The only woman I'm pimping from now on is 'Sweet Lady Propane'. And I'm tricking her out all over this town."

The Exterminator

• Dale gets his own office at work. Nancy is impressed:
  Nancy: Here's a photo of me for your new, big, fancy desk. We could move it if we ever wanted to... you know.
  Dale: Have sex on the desk? Sure!
  • Dale wants to have sex with Nancy. She's not in the mood because she's feeling bad for a guy Dale fired at work, but Dale says "Maybe this'll help" and hovers over Nancy while shaking his chest and muttering. It's about the most unsexy-looking thing you can imagine.
• When the cockroaches Dale's been raising for Joseph's science class project and keeping in one of the desk drawers in his office escape and swarm the rest of the the Stik-It building, his attempt to command them by having them imprint on him naturally fails and since he can't use pesticide on them due to them contributing to his declining health, he instead decides to exterminate them the hard way: he skewers a number of them on a note spike, lays out post-it notes like glue traps, crushes a number of them with a stamp, leaving several red "CANCELLED" stamps on the breakroom wall, impales one of them on a letter opener and finishes off by climbing inside an air vent and crushing the rest of them by rolling around inside it, breaking the vent and falling down from the ceiling.

Luanne Virgin 2.0

• Hank is incredibly uncomfortable at the abstinence outreach program at the church:
  Reverend Stroup: Who's ready to engage in a frank and open discussion of fornication?
  Hank: May I remind you that there is a poster of Jesus behind that ping-pong table?
  • And later, when they break into small groups and discuss their sexual histories:
  Hank: I mostly work in propane, so why don't I just go do that. (leaves)
  • Peggy confides with Luanne that she had sex with someone else before marrying Hank. The way she describes the act is funny:
  Peggy: We went back to Wayne's house, gently pushed aside his decorative throw pillows, and then... (dreamily) ho yeah.
  • After Luanne is baptized into a "born again virgin", she emerges from the lake with wet clothes and excitedly shouts, "I'M A VIRGIN!!!" Two guys playing Frisbee nearby are so distracted that the Frisbee hits one of them in the head.
  • When Luanne spills the beans that Peggy had sex with someone else before marrying Hank:
  Luanne: You should be proud of me. I'm going to be the first Platter woman to walk down the aisle a virgin.
  Hank: You watch it, young lady! Your aunt and I never-
  Luannne: No. Before she met you. With Wayne Trotter.
  Hank: Peggy?
  Peggy: Well, it's true.
  (Hank screams)
  Peggy: He's gay now, if that makes you feel any better.
  (Hank screams again)
  Peggy: No. Of course it doesn't.
  • Hank answers the phone in the middle of the night:
  Hank: (half asleep) Strickland Propane, taste the meat, not the h- I mean, hello?
  • Luanne, to Reverend Stroup after Hank and Peggy make up: "I think someone's gonna lose their virginity! Not me, no no. (whispering) Aunt Peggy."

Hank's Choice

• This line at the start of the episode:
  Peggy: You know, it frightens me to think that we raised Bobby for 12 years without the Internet. Parents without the internet should have their children taken away.
  • When the doctor informs Hank and Peggy that Bobby is allergic to dander, the doc recommends other breeds of dogs:
  Doctor: Look, if you want a dog inside, it says right here that there are several hypoallergenic breeds of dog, such as poodles or hairless.
  Hank: A poodle? Why not go all the way and just get me a cat and a sex change operation?
  • Peggy tells Hank that Bobby's been asleep for eighteen hours due to the allergy pills.
  • At the grand opening of Ladybird's dog house, she refuses to go in. Hank decides to do some quick renovations and they'll delay the opening a couple days. That's when Bill comes around the corner on a lawnmower with sparklers and "The Stars and Stripes Forever" playing.
  Hank: Bill! Not today! Abort!
  • Bobby ends up living in the dog house that Hank built for Ladybird. It's funny enough that everybody treats this as him legit moving out on his own, but the funniest moment comes when Dale and Bill toss a frisbee over his little dog-fence. Bobby's reaction when they ask for it back is to scowl at them like an old man, put it under his arm and crawl into his doghouse with it.
  Bobby: I get one more frisbee, I'm opening a store!
  • This bit:
  Hank: So, your mother was wanting to see you. How does dinner on Thursday sound?
  Bobby: Thursday's poker night. The stripper comes over at 9:00. (elbows Hank) Ah, I'm just yanking your chain. She's over at 8:00. (elbows him again)

It's Not Easy Being Green

• The whole "environmental court" scene, especially Bobby's defense of Hank ("I would like to change my client's plea to guilty by reason of insanity."), Clark Peters as the prosecutor ("I'm not a lawyer, I'm just a kid. But you, sir, disgust me."), and Hank's failed attempt to get the class on his side:
  Hank: McMaynerbury used the money they got burying Houston's garbage to buy those new fire engines. Who likes fire engines?
  (class stares blankly)
  • When Hank, Dale, and Bill go to Councilman Eber to convince him to build the multiplex somewhere besides the quarry:
  Bill: What about that gray patch of land over there? It looks pretty useless. It would be perfect.
  Eber: That's the quarry.
  (Hank gives Bill a dirty look)
  • When Hank agrees to protest the quarry draining with Bobby:
  Bobby: This is the first time in my life I've gotten you to change your mind about something. Which one of my arguments did you love the most?
  Hank: (bluffing) Oh, you know... "Spaceship Earth", "we're all in this together", you know... "random acts of... what-not."
  • Mr. McKay guilt tripping Peggy when she brings out cookies:
  McKay: Are those paper plates?
  (long pause as she tries to think of a comeback)
  Peggy: Yes. (goes back in the house with the cookies)
  • Hank at his lamest: "I am no stranger to city council meetings having supported your anti-skateboarding initiative as well as the neon-sign wattage limits."
  • Hank, Dale, and Bill brainstorming how to keep Boomhauer from finding out they drove his Mustang into the quarry:
  Hank: Okay. I've got a plan that might actually work. Dale, we're gonna need your scuba gear.
  Dale: Why?
  Hank: Because they can't find Boomhauer's car if it's not there.
  Dale: But it is there.
  Bill: Maybe we should use Dale's scuba gear to pull the car out.
  Dale: Now, that's a plan, Hank!
  (Hank groans)
  • The ending, when Boomhauer forces Bill and Dale to drive back his Mustang after its been at the bottom of the quarry for 20 years.
  Bill: (after engine won't start) You're flooding it!

The Trouble With Gribbles

• Dale and Bill cheerfully singing the Beefaroni jingle just before Bill abruptly starts bawling his eyes out. The reason Bill started crying is actually pretty sad (because Dale is being emotionally abusive to his wife as part of a Frivolous Lawsuit scam), but the sheer Mood Whiplash of the moment is just hilarious.
  • The day before the trial:
  Reynolds Penland: All right, brain trust. The trial's tomorrow. Don't play patty cake with me. Could we lose this thing?
  Toblik: We erased the tapes, so they can't hurt us. But the love affair between juries and tobacco companies has cooled.
  Reynolds Penland: Could we LOSE this thing?!
  (Toblik doesn't reply; instead he gets up and walks out the door. After he's shut the door behind him...)
  Toblik: Yes.
  • Dale playing both himself and his own lawyer in court, constantly switching back and forth. In particular, after lawyer-Dale questions witness-box-Dale about who he considers "beautiful" in a People Magazine issue and witness-box-Dale doesn't consider any of them to fit the bill:
  Lawyer-Dale: Are you a HOMOSEXUAL?!
  Witness-box-Dale: No!
  Lawyer-Dale: You cannot have it both ways, Mr. Gribble! Either you are a homosexual or the most beautiful woman in the world is in this magazine!

Hank's Back Story

• When Bill comes over and dumps his junk food at the Hills' backyard, at first Peggy ask if the rats are back. Bill says he's trying to lose weight to do better in the lawn mower race, and Hank quips that Bill could lose 100 pounds and still not make turns like him. Bill retorts that he would never drop 100 pounds and that it's clear Hank hasn't been practicing, calling his lawn "shaggy". Hank (even with his back/butt problems) doesn't take this sitting down, grabbing a hand full of ground beef and slamming it on Bill's head.
  Hank: You say something about my lawn, Dauterive?
  • The physical comedy moment at the end of act one when Hank, after finding out he has diminished gluteal syndrome, sits down and immediately shoots back up because it hurts to sit.
  • Hank calling himself "Hank Grill" to a stranger asking about his gluteal orthotic device.
  • Cotton: "Dear God, Hank! You're wearin' butt boobies! (...) Didi, come over here. Put your fake ta-ta's next to Hank's. We'll see who's got the bigger melons!"
  • Peggy: "I'm sorry, Hank. it's just that I don't know what it's like. Because obviously, I have got it going on back there!"
  • Dale is excited about getting sixth place in the mower races because at least he beat Hank.
    Dale: Celebrate good times, come on! Sixth place!

Kidney Boy and Hamster Girl: A Love Story

• The scene when Hank is in Dale's port-o-potty and the walls collapse, revealing Hank with his pants down. Naturally, a "bwah!" follows.
  Dale: He's a squatter.

Season 6

Bobby Goes Nuts

• "THAT'S MAH PURSE! I DON'T KNOW YOU!"
  • The scene where Bobby defends a kid from Clark Peters.
    Clark: What are you gonna do? You gonna kick me in the nads?
    Bobby: Am I going to do it? Yes. When am I gonna do it? Don't know. Could be tomorrow— NOW! (kicks Clark in the groin, who drops to the floor) One thing you'll find out about me, Clark, is that I'm not a very patient person.
    (Bobby gears up for another kick, and Clark flinches; satisfied, Bobby puts his foot down and walks away chuckling in triumph)
  • After Bobby kicks Hank in the groin:
    Bill: YOU HAVE BEEN KICKED IN THE TESTICLES.
    (Hank groans in pain)
    Doctor: I palpated the left teste and everything checks out. There's gonna be quite a bit of swelling for a few days.
    Peggy: What about the other one?
    Doctor: We can't find it right now.
    Hank: Aaaaahaha!
  • After the incident:
    Bobby: I'm sorry about what happened. But when you hit me in the nose—
    Hank: You mean the nose above your belt? If I remember correctly — and your shot below my belt hasn't affected my memory — I was teaching you how to fight above the belt.
    Bobby: It was the way I learned how to defend myself.
    Hank: By kicking me in my fellas? Dirty pool, Mister. Dirty pool. Now, let's discuss your punishment.
    Bobby: Punishment? For what? You told me to go to the Y and learn to defend myself and I did!
    Hank: No television, no video games, and no ice cream until further notice.
    Bobby: That's not fair! You can't do that!
    Hank: I'll tell you what I can't do: Sleep on my stomach! But I can sure as heck punish you.
  • Later:
    Bill: I wish I had a son to kick me in the nuts...
    (Dale kicks him square in the junk)
    Dale: Be Careful What You Wish For!
  • Bobby visits Connie after being suspended for the two fights where he kicked classmates in the groin.
    Connie: Where have you been? Word in the halls is you got suspended for kicking Principal Moss in the crotch.
  • When Peggy fights Bobby at the end:
    Peggy: Uh-huh, that's right, Bobby. I believe you will find that I have no testicles. Where's your secret weapon NOW, huh?
    Kahn: SHE BLUFFING! FINISH HER!

Soldier of Misfortune

• "It's a leaf blower, Bill, not a jetpack." And Bill's genuine disappointment at this.
  • "Pocket sand!"
  • "He's already got the black vote. Earl. And the gay vote. Earl."
    • Gets a call back later in the episode when Earl declares "There's only one man I'd take a bullet for, and he's at home making my supper!"
  • This, after Dale is convinced he's being targeted:
    Dale: I'm being set up. But who hates me? No one! Wait. Mad Dog. But who would stand to gain from killing me? No one! Wait. Mad Dog.
  • "Fifteen minutes ago, we were talking about microwaving a pizza! What happened here?!"
• Bill getting smacked twice by Mad-Dog, first for speaking out and then again even though he wasnt even speaking.

Lupe's Revenge

• Peggy, on trial for kidnapping in Mexico, butchering the Spanish language in her defense:
  Peggy: Your Honor, I can see that you are a reasonable horse. I am very pregnant because of what happened with Lupe. She ate my bus accident and all I wanted was to make Lupe into a book. I have too many good anuses ahead of me to spend them in a cigar factory.
  • Making that a Bilingual Bonus is that many of those are common "false friends" that trip up unskilled Spanish speakers. Embarrassed/Pregnant and Years/Anuses are very easy to mistake.
  • Also good is the judge's verdict:
    Judge: (in Spanish) Senora Hill, I find you not guilty.
    Peggy: Oh my God, I'm going to jail!
  • The subplot has Hank pulled over by a woman cop who flirts with him. When Peggy tries to smuggle Lupe back to Mexico, she's pulled over by the same cop. She thinks she's dead meat when the officer asks her to step out of the car, but all she really wanted to do was show off the competition.
    Policewoman: Turn around. Spread them. (Peggy does so) Not bad. But take a look at this. (replicates the pose, shaking her butt) Huh? HUH?! Now get out of here.

Father of the Bribe

• The entire subplot about Dale's pirate radio station.

  Dale: After sixty hours on the air folks, I have to apologize, that last caller was not the real Spiro Agnew, although he did make some cogent points...Okay our next caller from nearby McMaynerberry—wow, must be a windy day—and this is quite an honor, former Soviet premier Leonid Brezhnev!

  • In the end, Dale has to sell the station to Mexican interests (i.e., Octavio) after losing his main sponsor for making insensitive comments on the air. The sponsor in question being his own pest control company, Dale's Dead Bug.

I'm With Cupid

• Bobby is despondent over breaking up with Connie after hanging out with Bill all evening:
  Bobby: Can I sleep with you guys tonight?
  Peggy: Hank?
  Hank: (quickly) No.
  • Bobby tries to get Connie back by spreading chocolate on his chest in the shape of a heart and pressing himself against the glass:
    Bobby: I'm your little candy maaaaaan!
  • At Joseph's party:
    Joseph: Hey dad!
    (Dale and Nancy are making out in the corner)
    Dale: Not now, Joseph, I'm rounding first base here. (resumes making out, but stops) Ah, the moment's ruined.
  • When Bobby meets a new girl named Debby, she finds him funny. Peggy and Hank approach:
    Peggy: (to a clerk) Excuse me, do you have these in a size 16-and-a-half?
    Debby: Your mom's funny, too.
    (Peggy gives her a Death Glare)
  • Boomhauer tries to follow a woman into the changing room after she beckons him. Hank is clueless about this and calls out:
    Hank: Whoa, Boomhauer! That's the women's changing room! The men's is over there!
    Boomhauer: (annoyed) Got dang it all, man...
    Hank: Don't mention it.

Torch Song Hillogy

• "Remember, honey, you're going to be on TV so do not do that thing with your nose that you're not aware of.", only for Hank to brush his nose with his knuckle after he's done talking.
  • Dale's cigarette being taken from him to relight the Olympic torch, mainly for Dale's reaction:
    Dale: My oral fixation!

Joust Like a Woman

• When Peggy is applying for a job at the renaissance fair:
  Peggy: I would make an excellent wandering minstrel. If I can play guitar on the StairMaster, I certainly can do it while wandering.
  Supervisor: No, see, you're a woman. Other than the yard-long margaritas, we're pretty strict about historical accuracy. You're pretty much looking at cleaning wench, stable wench or butter-churning wench.
  Peggy: Are you sure you don't have any openings for a queen? Warrior princess?
  Supervisor: No. I can go over the wenches again.
  Peggy: Is "cleaning wench" the highest-ranking wench?
  Supervisor: "Highest"? (chuckles) ...Oh. Yes.
  • After Peggy is accused of being a witch:
    Hank: Well, I guess if they burn you at the stake, they'll be using my propane. (to King Philip) You'll find it burns witches cleanly and evenly, and at a fraction of the cost of natural gas.
  • Hank's tights rip:
  Hank: Got dang it! That's my third pair of these got-dang tights today.
  Bobby: (resentful) At least you get to wear tights.
  • "Look, I can't take any chances. I have a daughter and she needs a prom dress. And it has to be the one from the magazine or all the other girls will make fun of her!"
  • King Philip: "What a fine day for a fair... it is."
  • Before the joust:
  Bill: What do you think gonna happen after the joust? You know, when Hank is killed, with Peggy?
  Dale: In the Middle Ages, there was an orderly procedure for the dispensation of the wife, unlike in today's gynocracy. Ownership goes from the son to the dog to the best friend. Bobby's too young, Ladybird's too old, I already own a wife, Boomhauer doesn't have the time. So, Bill, this could be your in.
  Bill: Don't worry, Peggy. I'll take care of you.
  Peggy: That is as unnecessary as it is repulsive. Peggy Hill can take care of herself.
  Dale: Oh, boy! You're gonna have your hands full with this one, Bill. Next item, Hank's lawnmower.
  Boomhauer: Yo, man. I got dibs on it.
  Peggy: Oh, you're all a bunch of morons! (leaves)
  • This brief moment:
  Bobby: Go, dad!
  Luanne: Bobby.
  Bobby: Oh.
  (sits down and puts on a masquerade mask on a stick)
  • After Hank loses the joust:
  Philip: Tell me, peasant, how does it feel to have lost the joust, your wench's honor and the propane account in one mighty thrust of my lance? It's a bitter taste, I'm sure. And ye shall savor it for seven score fortnights anon!
  • As King Philip is handed a lawsuit:
  Philip: (Renaissance accent slipping into a Southern drawl as he whines) Department of Labor, OSHA "Texas Workforce Commission"? Crap! I'm gonna lose my fair! I don't want to go back to selling real estate!

  • The meta part of this joke is even better: Philip is voiced by Alan Rickman, making him a Fake American playing an In-Universe Fake Brit, meaning Philip's fake British accent is just Alan Rickman speaking normally, while the character's real accent is Rickman putting on a very obviously fake Texan accent. It's the most hilariously convoluted Casting Gag ever.
  • Dale and Bill pretending to be time travelers:
  Dale: The prime directive has been breached! Women's liberation has happened too soon! I must warn the future! (mimes being teleported)
  Bill: Take me with you! I hate it here.

The Substitute Spanish Prisoner

• Hank realizes that Peggy got scammed by the phony IQ test, and tells her the test was probably rigged so that anyone would have gotten a "genius" score on it. She doesn't believe him and one Gilligan Cut later...
  Luanne: I'M A GENIUS!

Unfortunate Son

• Dale's falcon.

Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret Hill

• Hank wants Peggy to work with him at Strickland Propane:
  Hank: Just come to Strickland, Peggy. (with a tone of voice like he's talking to a dog) Come on. Come on. Come on.
  • When Hank's training Peggy at Strickland:
  Hank: You are hereby requisitioned three Strickland Propane pens. These can never, ever leave the office. Sorry to be a spoilsport, but Donna ruined it for everyone.
  Buck: Hey, Peggy. Welcome aboard. You told her about the pens, right?
  Peggy: Yes. I am aware of the pen situation.
  Hank: Just so you don't hear it from anyone else, I'm sleeping with the new employee.
  • Peggy in the interview for a teacher at the Catholic school:
  Mother Superior: So, may I see your resume?
  Peggy: Oh, well, my resume is is written on the smiling faces of the children of El Salvador where I did my most recent nunning.
  • Peggy quits at Strickland to teach Spanish at the Catholic school:
  Peggy: Hank, I have great news. I just got my dream job teaching Spanish full-time at Saint lgnatius Catholic School.
  Hank: But you already have a dream job: Junior grill associate at Strickland Propane.
  Peggy: Hank, I am thrilled with me. Why can't you be?
  Hank: Okay, fine. Go teach. Propane sells itself. Doesn't need you.
  • This bit:
  Dale: Okay, my turn: Tongue-kiss a lizard, or take a shower in Bill's bathroom?
  Boomhauer: Lizard, man.
  Bill: Oh, why is the other choice always "take a shower in Bill's bathroom"?
  (...)
  Dale: Here's one: Put a wasp up your nose or take a shower in Bill's bathroom?
  • This exchange:
  Peggy: This is easily the most rewarding job I have ever had.
  Mother Superior: More rewarding than teaching crippled children to walk in El Salvador?
  Peggy: (hand waves) Tons more.
  • Hank and Peggy have friction at breakfast:
  Peggy: Bobby, sorry I did not have time to make you lunch this morning, but maybe you can trade this can of beets for something, huh?
  Hank: You know, Donna had plenty of time to make her kids lunch, and she was robbing us blind.
  Peggy: Hank, when are you going to quit sulking?
  Hank: I don't know, but when I do, I'll give you two weeks' notice, which is more than you gave me.
  Peggy: All right, you're disappointed. I get it. You know how the smell of propane gives you goose bumps? For me, it is the smell of children learning Spanish. I wish you could open your nose to my passion. (leaves)
  Bobby: And you never believed in my comedy career either! (storms out of the room)
  • "That's a clean burning hell, I tell you what."

Tankin' it to the Streets

• Right at the start we get an amusing moment with Kahn. Attempting to one-up his "hillbilly neighbors" again, he drives up in a new S.U.V., but as he pulls it up to his garage...
  (Kahn brakes suddenly as the S.U.V. is just a bit too large to get in the door)
  Hank: Where ya gonna keep it smart guy? It doesn't even fit in your garage.
  Kahn: (looks incredulously from the garage door, then back at Hank, and hilariously tries to salvage his pride) Maybe I keep garage in SUV! Hahahaha! Kiss my ass!
  • This line:
  Dale: Gentlemen, the crap has literally been scared out of me.
  • And:
  Dale: Given what I know about Bill, and cover-ups, I'd say he was used in the Army's attempted assassination of boxing promoter Bob Arum.
  • Later on, Dale takes the tank Bill stole and squashes Kahn's new SUV with it. Hank's reaction to the SUV getting run over just makes it even funnier.
  Hank: Dammit Dale, I told you. You just hit a curb.
  • This exchange:
  Hank: I know you're disappointed with the way you turned out. We all are. But the good news is, it's not your fault. All those things that were great about you back in high school the confidence, the charm, the pep they're still a part of you. They're just hidden inside the government's bloated, lazy body.
  Bill: What? So it's not my fault that I'm fat, bald and lazy?
  Dale: Or that your breath always stinks like rotting garbage!
  Bill: My breath smells?
  Hank: It doesn't smell... pleasant... most of the time.
  Bill: Why didn't you guys ever say anything?
  Hank: Well, we didn't tell you because it would have hurt your feelings. But now that we know it's the government's fault well, Bill, your breath stinks.

A Man Without a Country Club

• When Hank found out the only reason Ted Wassanasong wanted him in his country club was because he's white, Hank gives him one question to see if he really wanted him in for him and not his skin color, "What do I sell for a living?", Ted answers tractors. We get this exchange the next day
  Dale: To be fair Hank, you used to sell tractors.
  Hank: Yeah, well Ted didn't know that.

Beer and Loathing

• Hank knows a secret about Alamo Beer but he can't spill it because Peggy already violated her nondisclosure agreement by telling Hank. The guys guilt trip him about it:
  Boomhauer: You're talking about no secrets, man. This is just like when we were kids, man. Old skinned knees, you know, first crushes, man. Lemonade stand, little old tree house, and the... Man, if you can't trust no people in this alley, man I wouldn't want to be alive, man.
  Hank: You and your guilt trips, Boomhauer. But, I promised Peggy I wouldn't tell so don't give me those basset-hound eyes.
  (Boomhauer has his usual deadpan expression and Black Bead Eyes)
  • Hank and the guys travel to Mexico to get Alamo Beer while it's absent from shelves in America. It turns out the beer was tainted. On their way back home:
  Dale: Step on it, Bill! I don't know which way it's comin' out, but it's comin' out!
  • The capper: When the group makes it home, they all run for their bathrooms. Dale, however, has to input two passcodes on his bathroom's security system before it lets him in.
  Computer Voice: Stage one complete.
  Dale: (typing in more codes while desperately trying to hold it in) Egggghhh!!!
  • The Running Gag of Hank leaving the breakfast table to vomit/crap some more.
  Peggy: So how was everyone's day?
  Hank: Pretty boring. You know, watched some... oh, God. (leaves the table)

Fun With Jane and Jane

• The end credits, where four emus take the place of Hank, Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer in the alley.
  • This blatant indoctrination of Peggy.
  Jane: And you are of high intellect, Peggy no matter what you've been told by your husband.
  Peggy: No.
  Jane: Your father.
  Peggy: Not really.
  Jane: ... Mother.
  Peggy: *gasp* How did you know?!
  • Hank and the guys track down the cult:
  Hank: Excuse me, are y'all with the cult?
  Cult Member: We're not a cult. We're an organization that promotes love, and-
  Hank: Yeah, this is it.

Sug Night

• When Dale finds out about Hank having an erotic dream about Nancy, he wants to attack Hank in the outdoor hot tub:
  Dale: ELECTRIC TOASTER!!! (runs at Hank with a toaster but falls down when the cord doesn't reach)
  • This line towards the end:
  Hank: I've always thought of propane as a dignified lady. But she's not just clean burning; she can also be a dirty girl.

Dang Ol' Love

• Boomhauer's grandmother turns out to be every bit as rambling and incomprehensible as Boomhauer is.
• This:
  Peggy: So you think Boomhauer's promiscuity is amusing?
  Hank: Not really.
  Peggy: "Not really"? So, what then? Do his stories entertain you? Does hearing about his bedroom antics excite you? Is that how you get your freak on?!
  Hank: My what? No. No! I, I... I love you.
  Peggy: I'll leave you alone with your dirty thoughts.
• Peggy objects to Hank and Dale taking Boomhauer out to find a new girl, and encouraging his "tomcatting." Hank has to put things in perspective for her with an Armor-Piercing Question:
  Peggy: If you think for one second that I am gonna stand by while you go on a floozy hunt for Boomhauer-
  Hank: [sigh] Peggy, do you want another Bill on your hands?
  Peggy: [look of horror, before grabbing her keys] Take my car. It's a chick magnet.
• When Hank and Dale are trying to get Boomhauer back in his game, and spot a random lady crossing guard.
  Hank: "Hey! There's a woman."

Returning Japanese

• Luanne is asked to look after Ladybird while the Hills go to Japan.
  Hank: I'm only gonna read this once: (reading a letter) "Hi. My name is Ladybird. "I like long walks, my arthritis medication, and two cups of kibble a day. I'll try to outsmart you and get three cups. But I know you're too clever for that, Miss Platter."
  Luanne: I don't know, Uncle Hank. She did write this letter and everything.
  Hank: ...Trip's off!
  • On the airplane to Japan:
  Flight attendant: Sir, you are in an exit row. Will you be able to assist other passengers in case of an emergency?
  Hank: Absolutely.
  Flight attendant: Is your son under 13? He has to be 13 or older to sit in an emergency row.
  Hank: He is 13. (the flight attendant turns around; Hank has second thoughts) To be honest... he's a great kid. But in an emergency, I don't know.
  Bobby: Dad!
  Hank: I'm sorry, Bobby.
  Bobby: (leaves his seat) What can I say? He's right.
  • Peggy to Cotton:
  Peggy: Now, you've killed Germans, you've killed Japanese. Which do you prefer?
  • While the Hills are away, Hank's asked Dale and Bill to get his paper while he's gone so they're not robbed. The two do so, but then realize that all the lights off could also attract burglars, so they break in themselves. Then they surmise that with all the lights on, the house looks empty, so they put on Hank and Peggy's clothes and pretend to live there. The payoff comes when Luanne, who's walking Ladybird, sees two strange people in the Hill house and calls 911. The cops show up and Dale tries to get them to leave by saying he's Hank Hill and that he's having sex with Peggy. As the two are pulled into the squad cars, Dale tells Boomhauer to get Hank's paper. Boomhauer, not even remotely phased by this scene, merely says "Yo."
  • When Hank and his half-brother Junichiro are tracking Cotton, the latter gets a tip that Cotton is at the train station, where he bought a ticket and, according to the tipster, "dishonored a pay toilet".
  Hank: The Hill brothers are on the case!
  Junichiro: Hai! (smiles)
  • During the train ride to stop Cotton, Hank gets impatient about the supposed speed of the train, but when he sees how fast they really are going, he is impressed.
  Hank: Can't this thing go any faster than- (sees train going at 300KPH/186MPH) Wow.
  • There's also the moment when Hank and Junichiro first meet, with the latter giving a complementary "HOAH!" to match Hank's signature "BWAA!"
  • The small hotel room that the Hills stay in. Of note, Hank can't even leave unless Peggy moves her big feet out of the way of the door, and Hank takes a "shower" in the sink.
  • Right before leaving the hotel:
  Peggy: We would have invited you in for farewell tea. But as you will read in my article, these Japanese hotel rooms are horribly cramped.
  Junichiro: (confused) Surely you did not spend entire vacation in sitting room?
  (slides door open, revealing a much bigger hotel room. Also, the welcome bowl of fruit in the big room is now rotten)

Season 7

Get Your Freak Off

• Hank attempting to sway Bobby's taste in music:
  Hank: When I was your age, we had these things called songs. They were two minute stories about people falling in love or burning down Georgia.
  • Hank cleaning Bobby's room of bad influences. Of note:
    • "What is this SMUT you're listening to?!" "It's Radio Disney!"
    • Hank holds up a naked Troll doll; Bobby shrugs. "Nudity!"
    • Hank pulls the game console (where Bobby was playing a Tomb Raider-esque game) out of the room, and tells him, "Okay, have fun." The room is now pretty much empty.
  • Dooley, after playing "Seven Minutes in Heaven" and emerging from the closet, disheveled:
  Dooley: I wanna go home.
  • Peggy, Nancy, and Minh ranking the sexiness of the alley guys. According to Nancy and Minh, Hank is tied for the bottom with Bill.

Goodbye Normal Jeans

• Hank and Bobby are sitting in bed watching TV, joking around. Peggy is in Bobby's room, feeling left out. She hears Hank say: "Hey, you know who'd get a kick out of this? (Peggy perks up) Laaaadybird... (Ladybird pops her head into view and goes to the other room)

The Texas Skilsaw Massacre

• Dale's idea of caring for his tortoise involves pouring Turtle Wax on his shell and then polishing him with a car buffer, making the poor thing spin around like Gamera.
• Whenever we see Dale's crazy equipment or procedures around his house- like when Hank tried to turn off the TV, and an explosion erupts. "There goes the mailbox." Turns out, Dale rigged his and Hank's mailboxes to explode for some reason.
  • Dale represents himself at a trial:
    Dale: Objection conjecture! OBJECTURE!
    Hank: That is not a word!
  • The tape measure retracting and hitting Bill in the balls.
    Dale: Oh God, he's on another rampage! Pray for us all!
  • "Chick Mangione? I'm not a chick, I'm a dude!" *WHAM!!*
  • The montage of Hank getting pissed off and kicking some ass.

Vision Quest

• This:
  "Hey, Gribble... I can see your dad's junk."
• Dale after revealing to the guys that he's now Native American.
  Dale: I always wondered why I hated the federal government and loved tobacco with such passion. But now it all makes sense!
  • Hank's response:
  "Okay, time out, Sitting Jackass."

An Officer and a Gentle Boy

• This:
  Cotton: Combat bowl? The only bowl he's supposed to make is from a hollowed-out skull! (waddles off and makes a funny noise)

The Miseducation of Bobby Hill

• Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer's failed homemade weather balloon, which ends with Bill getting tangled in a tree in Mexico and a bunch of hoodlum kids "mistaking" him for a piñata, and when one of them pokes him with a stick, candy falls out of his pockets. When he makes it back, he limps over to them with his shirt mostly gone and a tattoo across his stomach, then hands Dale the single remaining balloon telling him "Your turn" before collapsing.

Be True To Your Fool

• Dale trying to use his own pest-control chemicals to get rid of head-lice. It goes about as well as you'd expect.
  Dale: (Calmly) Hmm...Itching, burning, burning... more itching... tingling... blindness... itching, itching, burning... intense burning... Hank, get your hose. (Screams) NOW!

Season 8

Patch Boomhauer

• Hank and his friends are shown having a bachelor party rite of passage of surreptiousliy attaching a ball-and-chain to the current bachelor under the table when they were younger. Despite Dale seeing this happening twice, he freaks out completely when he gets his turn.
• Hank lectures Boomhauer on the saucy bachelor party, stating that he "doesn't hold the sanctity of marriage in as high regard as he and Buck Strickland" (cue Buck in the background trying to lure the hookers in with dollar bills in his hands and mouth).
  • Patch desperately tries to deflect the blame for inviting prostitutes to his bachelor party on Hank, saying Hank really loves them. Cue Peggy giving Hank a death glare before Hank gets an Oh, Crap! face by the lie.

Reborn to Be Wild

• Hank doesn't approve of Bobby's new found friend Pastor K, the lead singer of a Christian Rock band, which leads to this exchange.
  Pastor K: You people are all the same. You look at us and think we're freaks. Come on. Even Jesus had long hair!
  Hank: Only because I wasn't his dad.
  • Pastor's K's father has the entire ten commandments tattooed on his back.
  Father: What are you doing, Kevin? You forgot Number Five.◊

The Incredible Hank

• Kahn and Minh are watching and listening in on the Hills feuding on their lawn.
  Kahn: Why he point at his crotch like that?
  Hank: You want me to put a patch on my what?!
  Kahn: Okay, this is going in a weird direction.
  • Also from that episode, Hank completely unravels Dale's crazy theory involving clones and Mongols. Curious how Hank manages to remember all that nonsense:
  Dale: So as it turns out, I'm not the real Dale Gribble, but a clone of him. The real me is a superwarrior from the year 2087 sent back in time to get me (i.e. I) to help fight off the invading Mongolian armies.
  Hank: Dale, that's asinine. And here's four reasons why. One, you're not gonna clone a superwarrior out of a guy who can't win a thumb wrestling match.
  Dale: But-
  Hank: Two, you've sworn your whole life that the robots will exterminate the clones by the end of 2010. So which is it? Robots or clones?
  Dale: Well, I-
  Hank: Three, you've already said that you sympathize with the invading Mongolian armies of 2087, so you'd be the last one they'd send to fight them. (with a smirk) And four, if you were from the future, you would have seen this coming.
  (Hank slugs Dale in shoulder. Boomhauer and Bill applaud.)
  • And the gag of Dale inviting Joseph (who's dealing with his own excess of testosterone) to playfully tussle with him, only to get his ass royally kicked offscreen:
  Dale: "AAAHH! It just hurts so DAMN much!!"
  • Nancy automatically assuming that Hank's new testosterone fueled viatlity and lust for life means he's having an affair.

Livin' on Reds, Vitamin C and Propane

• After Hank, Bobby and the Gang survive their mountain ordeal and stop at a diner, a bunch of truckers recognize them, how? By Boomhauer talking.

Ceci N'Est Pas Une King of the Hill

• Washington. Hitler. Washington. Hitler.
  • Picture Ronald Reagan, he's squatting over—.
  Hank: (covers his ears) AAH!! (he leaves with Bobby)
  • I call this "Industrial Penis #5".
    Hank: Bobby, Car! (both of them high-tailed it out of the art store).

That's What She Said

• Dale has taken up chewing tobacco instead of smoking. It quickly grosses out everyone, including Nancy, who forces him to stuff the tobacco at the end of a roll of newspapers and inhale the vapors. Boomhauer suggests Dale light the newspaper on fire.
  Dale: Boomhauer, you're a genius! What should we call this new invention?

Apres Hank, le Deluge

• Bill playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on the emergency phone like he was playing a keyboard.

Dale Tech

• When Peggy is making a crossword for her Spanish class, Cotton starts blurting out words.
  • Later Cotton ends up causing a riot at the senior daycare center.

Stressed For Success

• The stupid things Peggy does at Megalo Mart:

  • She rides on the handicap car thinking that it's for everyone.
  • When Bobby comes to from his panic attack, she tells him to follow her nose, not fingers, with his eyes.

  • The Megalo Mart medical staff has people to tend to injured shoppers. The clerk then proceeds to use the intercom to call any doctor visiting the mall.

Hank's Back

• Hank visiting John Redcorn for a massage to help his back. Both are extremely uncomfortable, and right before John lays his hands on him, Hank speaks up:
  Hank: I was also thinking about yoga.
  John: (relieved) Yoga's great. Do it, man. Forget the massage.
  • Joe Jack: [to a bent-over Hank] How's your back, Honey?
    Hank: [clearly exasperated] Fine, Joe Jack. How's your gambling problem?
    • Just before this John Redcorn's hair is blowing in a Dramatic Wind that immediately stop when he realizes what Hank is there for.
  • Joe Jack was practicing Yoga with Hank and Enrique and he said "I just felt my chakra open, honey."

Season 9

A Rover Runs Through It

• Hank is teased by some mountain men for supposedly being a spoiled softie from Hollywood. After numerous instances, Hank finally snaps:
  Guy: Enjoy your celebrity cocktail hour, Mr. Hollywood?
  Hank: Dang it! I am sick and tired of everyone's asinine ideas about me. I am not some redneck and I'm not a Hollywood jerk! I'm something else entirely. I'm... I'm complicated.
  (the guys laugh again; Hank groans in annoyance)

Yard, She Blows!

• When Peggy gets obsessed with lawn gnomes and Hank breaks one, he tries to replace it by going to a store that specializes in them and buying one. As he has been bombarded with the highly detailed world of lawn gnome collecting, he is deeply uncomfortable with being in the store. When he selects the last statue of a rare gnome model, the other customer who wants it accuses Hank of not knowing anything about lawn gnomes.
  Hank: No, I don't know anything about gnomes. I AM NOT A DORK! I SELL PROPANE!
  • From the same episode:
  Bobby: I shall call him 'VANDOR'!
  Peggy: You will call him 'Winklebottom' like everyone else!
  • Also, there's a Running Gag of Joseph and a motorbike he won off of Dale. Throughout the episode Joseph is seen driving reckless in the neighborhood and then, in Sight Gag at the episode's end, he is seen walking on the sidewalk in crutches.

Dale to the Chief

• After one of Dale's ramblings, Hank says "Did you mean to put all those words in that order or did they just fall out like that?"

The Petriot Act

• Hank takes care of a pet in excitement after watching Bill enjoying taking care of a dog from a soldier. To his dismay, the pet turns out to be a super aggressive cat that makes his family's life a living hell. Amusing Injuries follow Hank, not to mention he's scammed multiple times for trying to take care of the animal.
  • This moment especially:
  Hank: Oh, my God! The cat has soiled in my shoes. Where is he?
  Bobby: He's in my room. If I stop petting him, he'll bite me.
  Hank: I've read that dossier cover-to-cover, and nowhere in it does it say anything about pooping in shoes!

Care-Takin' Care of Business

• Senile groundskeeper Smitty ruins the field after Hank and the guys had secretly been maintaining it:
  Hank: Look at this. I think he actually nailed down the sod!

Smoking and the Bandit

• The newspaper article:
  Newspaper: According to the sheriff's department, one of the unexpected dangers of the smoking brouhaha is the possibility of copycat Smoking Bandits all over town.
  Sheriff: This could turn out to be a Snowball effect. Now I know a lot of you folks down here in Texas probably don't actually know what a snowball is, or what sort of effect it as, so I'll try to explain. See, a snowball is really just a small ball made up of snow, which is this cold white stuff that the folks up north are always complaining about. But, it's actually kind of fun once in a while, if you just remember that the snowball is more afraid of you then you are of it."

Gone With the Windstorm

• This exchange:
  Nancy: Dale! Get out of the hot tub; we're stealing a news van!
  Dale: It's the perfect crime. How will they ever report it?!

It Ain't Over Till the Fat Neighbor Sings

• Dale's extended Take That! to Bill:
  Dale: BILL! Bill, you have to be the stupidest man on the planet to think this is a good idea! Have you seen what you're wearing?! That outfit makes you look like a sequined train wreck! LOOK AT YOU! YOU'RE PART OF A TWELVE-HEADED JACKASS!!! This! Chorus! Is the feces, that is produced when shame eats too much stupidity!! You people make me envy the DEAF AND THE BLIND!! ...Underwear...Money...FAT!!
  • Dale was holding it in all episode and just let it all out. By the end, he's out of breath and ready to collapse. He has to wheeze for Hank to take over.
  • The weird trilling noise that the chorus did in unison. So funny it was also used as the stinger.

Season 10

Bystand Me

• At a restaurant, Peggy gets compliments from a fan on her article of removing stains from a driveway who also saved her marriage. Hank, knowing Peggy never did that before, questions when she learned that. She quickly threatens to talk about their marriage. Hank, scared, goes back to looking at his menu.
  • Peggy accidentally wrote an article about mixing ammonia and bleach under the assumption of a powerful cleaning product. Hank told her in horror that she's basically telling everyone to make mustard gas, essentially killing hundreds, leading to Peggy letting out Hank's scream.
  Peggy: BWAHHH!
  • Immediately Hank wakes Bobby up to help them, earlier he was already mad at Bobby for ditching his paperboy duties to Dale, but as soon as Bobby wakes up and ready to do a paperboy saying, Hank cuts him off.
  Hank: Bobby, wake up!
  Bobby: I'm up, the "S" in service stands for-
  Hank: Not now, Bobby. Don't worry, your mom screwed up this time, not you.
  • It's even more interesting on how Hank knew how to make mustard gas, Cotton always made it on V-J Day (Victory over Japan Day).
  • Bobby throws one of Dale's dead rats at him when Dale lies about their paperboy scheme being all Bobby's idea.

Bill's House

• A flu-ridden Hank heads to the truck to pick up a prescription. He's so weak that he just lays down next to the truck and falls asleep.
  • Bobby trying to teach Peggy to ride a bike. Pretty much the whole thing, but special mention goes to this gem.
  Peggy: Don't let go, don't let go.
  Bobby lets go, and she rides off without any issues.
  Dale: He let go!
  Peggy screams, and crashes off screen. Bobby glares at Dale.
  Dale: Well, you did.

Business Is Picking Up

• When Hank takes Joseph with him on a customer visit and Hank is busy extolling the virtues of the grill she has, Joseph tells her that she shouldn't put her cat inside it while she's grilling or "it might explode or something".

Church Hopping

• The Hills trying to find a new church after losing their usual seating spots at their local church. In Eduardo's Spanish church, the lack of a knee rest cushion makes Hank hit himself on the chin and fall down.
  • Similar to the moment in "Hank's Bad Hair Day" listed above, the Hills try out a church that sings modern-style hymns. The song heard when they enter has the lyrics "Day by day..." They leave almost immediately.

Season 11

Blood and Sauce

• Hank calling Gilbert out for yelling at Bill with this line, "I keep hearing about the 'Dauterive pride', but all I see are a crying drunk and an angry sissy. If you've got any real pride, stop kicking a man when he's down! You wanna talk more about this, you and I will do it outside!"
  • Gilbert making friends with the homeless man at the bus station.
  • When Bill calls for his entire clan to come visit him to keep him company, Gilbert comes... and no one else does.
  Bill: There's no one but us? But what about Aunt Esthme and Cousin Violetta?
  Gilbert: Aunt Esthme died of fever, Violetta died suddenly in her sleep - the swamp takes what it calls its own. Let me tell you of our ill-fated kin: (points at people in an old family photograph) consumption, drink, impostor, madhouse, public madhouse, barren, barren, barren - well, pretty much this whole left side. Leaving only us.
  • Gilbert thinking Mr. Strickland's offer to take him to the French Quarter is a sexual come-on, and Buck backing out when he realizes what's going on. It's the subtext that makes this funny.
  • Bill and Bobby discuss cooking.
  Bobby: Mr. Dauterive, there's a blender right there with a "chop" setting. I bet it could get through these onions in no time.
  Bill: (chuckles knowingly) Well, that's fine if I'm grinding up old sandwiches for breakfast hash, but as my Uncle Honore always said, "Shortcuts taste like un chien mort!^note A dead dog. (spits) Eh?"
  • Gilbert, to Bill: "Shut down this WHOREHOUSE!" (cut to a guy quietly eating some barbecue next to the grill)

Hank Gets Dusted

• Hank remembers all the ways his cousin Dusty always pulled a prank on him. The best had to be when Dusty and his friend put a fake beard on an infant Bobby, the day he was born too.
  • When Hank's cousin Dusty and his crew are trying to decide how to mess with Hank next, one of them suggests that they go after propane. Dusty, however, is not Too Dumb to Live.
  Dusty: Propane?! Woah, you can only push a man so far.

Season 12

Suite Smells of Excess

• Hank is so impressed with Bobby making a good call on a football play that he lets him have a beer... but since he's underage he just lets him sniff it. That ends up being a good luck charm, so Hank holds the beer under Bobby's nose the whole game. Eventually Bobby gets queasy.
  Bobby: This smells like sick.
  • Peggy's watching the game at home, and gets a little too into the game, trashing the living room when her team loses. There's also this line, which was also used as the episode's stinger:
  Peggy: WRAP HIM UP, COLLEGE BOY!!!

  • And poor Luanne is quivering in terror the whole time.

Death Picks Cotton

• Cotton managed to fake it at least twice beforehand. When he finally dies for real:
  Peggy: Hank, I'm sorry, he's gone.
  Hank: (Beat) Are you sure?
  Peggy: (another beat, just waiting for Cotton to revive again) Yes, he has moved on.
  • Cotton's first "death" is one of the most hysterical moments in the series, partly because it Crosses the Line Twice.
  Cotton: (weakly) Hank. (breathes) I know I was hard on you. But it wasn't because I hate you. (starts to fade into unconsciousness)
  Hank: I know. I know we don't say it enough or, uh, at all I guess. But I love you too, dad.
  Cotton: (wakes up and scowls) You loves me?
  Hank: Dad?
  Cotton: What kind of a man tells another man he loves him? I don't wanna die with my sissy son who "loves" me. You gonna bring me roses 'cause you "love" me!?
  Hank: N-No dad, it's not like that, I didn't mean...
  Cotton: Get out of here! I can't even look at you, how dare you love me!
  Hank: But I don't! I don't love you-
  Cotton: (flatlines)
  Hank: (stares in horror and confusion, then backsteps out of the room)
• One of Cotton's final "fuck you"'s to Peggy:

  Mister Reaper, I'd appreciate it if you'd put your hood back on!

• Hank briefly tries to reassure Cotton that he'll be fine after the first time he dies.
  Hank: Right doctor?
  Doctor: Oh, no. In fact, I don't know how he was revived, or how he's even speaking to us right now.

Raise the Steaks

• Hank doesn't like people who like their steaks cooked well-done.
  Hank: Firm but with a little give. Yep. These are medium-rare.
  Bobby: What if somebody wants theirs well-done?
  Hank: We ask them politely yet firmly to leave.

The Minh Who Knew Too Much

• Minh joins Dale's gun club in order to train for a skeet-shooting contest. After she feels she is ready, she quits the club and mocks them for thinking she was their friend. Dale angrily launches her plaque into the air and opens fire on it... only to miss every shot. He and the rest of the club try it again and release their full salvo of bullets... and they still miss.
  • Earlier in the episode, when she's trying to get on the skeet team, and is talking to the lady in charge. Keep in mind, they're in the middle of a fancy country club.
    Minh: (pulls out a handgun) Name a target, I guarantee I nail it.
  • When Dale's gun club decides to storm the country club to get back at Minh, they're blown away by the fanciness of the place and completely forget why they're there in the first place.
  (looking at the luxurious pools) Good heavens, it's Atlantis!
  (one sticks his head in the pool and resurfaces) They got music under the water!
  (they all stick their heads into the pool)
  • While Minh is in the gun club, they teach her to "howl like a werewolf". At the end of the episode, after they've made up, she answers her cellphone and howls at them in greeting, forgetting that she's with the country clubbers, who all stare at her.

Dream Weaver

• The video of Boomhauer, Bill and Kahn trying to recreate the wind blowing Bill's hat onto Kahn's head.

Doggone Crazy

• Hank and Peggy hear Ladybird barking late at night. Thinking that there is a robber inside the house, the two arm themselves: Hank with a golf club, and Peggy with a...
  Hank: A butcher's knife? [Beat] Alright.
  • Hank trying to calm Ladybird down through the dog spiritualist's remedies. He has Hank walk Ladybird as if he was blind in front of his friends.
  Dale: You know, all Hank needs to wear is a monocle to be Mr. Peanut.
  • And then when Ladybird is accidentally let loose at the local retirement center during a thunderstorm which makes her vicious and dangerous:
  Peggy: Everyone, stay calm!
  Old Man: We are calm.
  Peggy: Well, you shouldn't be because there's a vicious dog on the loose!

Trans-Fascism

• While running an illegal food truck, Hank has a nightmare where he's a crewman on a B-17 on a bombing run in World War 2, with the crew turning into Tom Landry (who was actually a B-17 pilot in real life), Abraham Lincoln and George Washington, who tell him he shouldn't be breaking the law.
  Hank: But that's what you all did. [to Washington] Mr. President, you were a loyal British subject until the pushed you too far. [to Lincoln] And you suspended Habeas Corpus during the Civil War. And Tom, you broke all the rules with your revolutionary flex defense.
  Washington: You're on a slippery slope, Hank. You're ignoring posted traffic laws.
  Lincoln: And now Bobby is chewing gum.
  Hank: But I thought you'd be proud.
  Tom Landry: We're not, Hank.
  Lincoln: Krauts! 2 o'clock high!
  [Washington opens fire with his machine guns; their bomber is shot down]

Three Men and a Bastard

• Dale, after figuring out that Bill's new girlfriend is the mother of Joseph's half-sister, seeks help from John Redcorn:
  Dale: John Redcorn! I bet you could romance a woman out of a relationship with a giant doofus!
  John Redcorn: Dale, are you asking me to steal your friend's companion?
  Dale: I don't want to see my child being raised by an IDIOT!
  John Redcorn: ....Yes, it's very difficult to watch an idiot raise your child.

Lady and Gentrification

• "They put salmon in the fish tacos!"

Behind Closed Doors

• Peggy institutes a "no barriers" policy in the house in a misguided attempt to be closer to Hank and Bobby. At one point, we hear from off-screen:
  Bobby: I'm trying to take a shower and there's no curtain! Come on!
  • This line from Hank, taken out of context, is hilarious:
  Hank: Grip it! Grip it! Why don't ya grip it?! ^Note (context: Hank trying to give author Stephens Davies a cell phone so he'll call Peggy and say she's a good mother)
• The B-plot involves Dale dragging out a keyboard to create a "soundtrack" for the alley and theme songs for the guys. At one point, music starts playing and Hank says "Oh good, Boomhauer's home."

Pour Some Sugar on Kahn

• Kahn's...unique take on "Mickey".

Strangeness on a Train

• Upon learning that Bobby, Connie, and Joseph are home alone:
  Joseph: We could pee in places where pee isn't supposed to go!

Season 13

Lucky See, Monkey Do

• Peggy comes in to see the utter horror show that Lucky's sister Myrna has turned Luanne's nursery into.
  Luanne: It's white, black, and red. Myrna says that those colors help the baby see and think!
  Peggy: (under her breath) Maybe that's why the Nazis chose those colors...
• When Peggy offers to get Myrna's kids juice, Myrna says that they don't drink juice, they'll just have water and read a book. As they walk off, Bobby says "Those kids ain't right."
  Hank: "I tell you what, this Goofus is a dumbass."
• Luanne has just given birth. She's very clearly been drugged:

  Luanne: I've decided that we're going to name her after something we both love... Lasagna. Lasagna Kleinschmidt.
  Peggy: They gave you the good stuff, didn't they?
  Luanne: No, we just like lasagna.

What Happens at the National Propane Gas Convention in Memphis Stays at the National Propane Gas Convention in Memphis

• Hank's drunken rant against Buck:
  Hank: I'm not gonna say to... Hell, I am gonna say what I have been wanting to say! Buck Strickland is a monster! A drunk monster, Buck Strickland is nothing but a lecherous, disgusting bastard-making bastard. (slurred gibberish) And now, I'm going to vomit.

Uncool Customer

• All of the scenes at The Arlen Barn. Any introverts watching will find Hank's entire B-plot ten times funnier.

Nancy Does Dallas

• Nancy comes drunk to the parade she got into by accusing the top reporters of the Dallas news crew.
  Assistant: Ugh, are you drunk? We need to get makeup ready stat.
  Nancy: (in a dark tone) I could have you killed.

Bill Gathers Moss

• Dale announces he has killed his "10,000th rat"
  Dale: Mrs. Jenkins' chihuahua gets co-credit, but I did get my mallet in there!
  • Octavio then shows up, having gotten the rat's head mounted on a plaque that looks like it was made for deer.
    Dale: Not bad, but I wanted it mid-roar [attempts to pry the rat's jaws open]

When Joseph Met Lori, and Made Out with Her in the Janitor's Closet

• Bobby tries to lie to cover up what Joseph did in the janitor's closet:
  Bobby: He was just, um, selling drugs.
  Hank: That was an awful lie, son. Terrible.

Just Another Manic Kahn-Day

• Bill's excuse to get out of hanging out with Kahn like Hank is forced to.
  Bill: No hablo ingles Hank.

To Sirlon With Love

• This line:
  Hank: What you're seeing is team spirit. It's like the Holy Spirit, only more powerful.

Other

• "But...Boomhauer's got a bad leg..."
• Pretty much any time Dale mentions that he thinks John Redcorn is gay.
• This PSA short that was shown in theatres in 2000 to help support the Will Rogers Institute. Just...watch it.
• The "blooper" created for Fox's Funniest Outtakes where Luanne suffers a Wardrobe Malfunction. What sells it is Hank's Out of Character, line-crossing dialogue afterwards:
  Hank: Come on, Luanne, you already got the job.

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