In "Death of a Propane Salesman", Boomhauer gives a speech about death. He hits up some pretty standard points, but it's one of the longest sustained sections of Boomhauer-speak on the show, and it's also strangely kinda deep.
Hank, Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer beating a bunch of rowdy teenagers (Voiced by the members of Green Day) at a game of paintball. It's way more awesome than it sounds. After getting their asses handed to them twice over by said teenagers, Hank and company decide to study their targets, leading to two separate Moments of Awesome...
Dale shooting out two teens lured by Luanne's answering machine message.
After the rest of their respective teams are out, the leader of the teams disrespects the ball guy while asking where Hank is.... only to find out that it was Hank in disguise and promptly gets a chest full of paint.
And this is after the teens spent the whole episode tormenting Hank and CO on and off the field. Not only that but Hank wins their amp as a prize after they spent most of the episode annoying Hank with their loud music too. And to cap it off Hank and friends, and a local old man, leave a flaming bag of dog poo on the teens porch just to rub salt in the wounds. Bad. Ass.
Them fixing the kid's car just so he could show up for a rematch. They lost off camera, but still.
That's the moment they REALLY prove they are men rather than the kids they are fighting. Also note that when Hank announces that the kids have lost, their leader, the 'tough' kid that has been harassing them, has a quivering lower lip like he's about to cry from the defeat. Served.
Luanne and Lucky collecting the wedding/baby shower gifts that the other neighbors didn't give them (complete with Lucky's redneck friends acting as enforcers) in "The Order of the Straight Arrow"
"Bobby Goes Nuts" is awesome for seeing Bobby fight back against the people who bullied him (Clark Peters, Chane Wassanasong, and even his own father, for those who think Hank is always too hard on Bobby) and Peggy fighting back against Bobby when Bobby disrespects Hank.
In "The Powder Puff Boys", Hank, Bobby and the others get the PTA president to reinstate the "Powder Puff" program, which she deems sexist for having boys dress and girls, by reading to her an excerpt from the school code stating that any type of transsexual activity, including cross dressing, shouldn't be prohibited.
Bill: (Sarcastically) "Yeah, poor, poor Hank with his wife and his son and his hair. No one will let him grill with propane!"
Despite his general idiocy in the episode, Dale gets a minor moment in "The Courtship of Joseph's Father" when he successfully silences Hank by asking if he really cares about what Joseph wants, or if he just wants a winning football team.
What about when Bill ties the record for most touchdowns, against the strongest defense in H.S football, and almost every defensive line trying to take down the old, injured player. Not only he survived and got a touchdown, but the other players respected him.
Bobby wants to quit little league football (the coach is psychotic, but Hank doesn't know) and take up soccer instead:
Hank: Bobby, I never thought I'd need to tell you this, but I would be a bad parent if I didn't. Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking.
Bobby: Why do you have to hate what you don't understand?
How his Hank knocking out the coach after realizing how bad he was not on here?
It's even better when context: Hank sees the Coach chasing after the kids in his car, promptly stops the sociopath and then decks him when the guy tries to justify it.
Bill Dauterive in "Dia-Bill-ic Shock". After his Jerk Ass doctor scares him into believing he'll succumb to and die from complications of diabetes (because of his nonstop junk food eating), Bill not only kept his blood sugar down, but went to the hospital and personally kicked the doctor's ass, which was ignored by a nurse that the doctor was rude to earlier in the episode.
Dale's plot to save his friends from a nutter who was elected president of the gun club: Hank, Bill and Boomhauer were held captive in Mad Dog's cabin and Dale tried to rescue them but was easily caught. However, Dale was able to play to Mad Dog's paranoia by pretending he was a CIA contract killer and was recieving radio messages. At that moment, a stream of florist vans swarms the property and due to Dale previously telling the gun club his favorite tactic is to bring in CIA agents disguised as flower delivery men everyone thinks it really is the CIA and Mad Dog flees. The gun club unties Dale and immediately reelects him as president, letting him go outside and show the flowermen his CIA badge (really just opening his wallet to show he has no money) and sic them on Mad Dog (tell them Mad Dog has money to pay). In one single move Dale rescues his friends, gets rid of Mad Dog, earns the gun club's respect and even (in a way) lives one of his favorite stories.
The graffiti in The Hole.
COTTON HILL - 2 days
BOBBY HILL - 3 days
To properly set the scene Bobby was misbehaving as per usual and Cotton convinced Hank to send him off to Fort Burke (a military school). Cotton finds out that due to lawsuits it's been toned down on the punishment (hazing was reduced from beating new recruits with socks full of oranges to smashing trash can lids together on the first night) after being told this Cotton tries to take over the place. The principal tells him he has no right to fire him (Cotton gets him fired by talking with his dean). Cotton takes over punishing him harder. He begins with making him rake leaves and Bobby makes jokes (pretends he's eating them) Cotton makes him eat all the leftover food from the other cadets. Bobby happily eats them so Cotton makes him sit on a large block of ice in his underwear and Bobby waits it out (He says his fat makes it easy for him to survive the cold).Then he's forced into the Hole and he outlasts Cotton when he was a kid. The best part is the second he gets out he sees his other cadets, smiles and cracks a joke.
From "Jon Vitti Presents: Return to La Grunta": Hank tossing a pervert golfer (voiced by Billy West) who was groping Luanne during her job as a golf course drink girl and tossing the golfer in the tank with the dolphin who humped Hank earlier in the episode:
Hank: You think you can touch anyone you want anywhere you want? You think it's okay because no one says it's not?
Peggy beating the crap out of Luanne's drunken jailbird mother with her size 16 1/2 feet.
Leanne: I kicked your brother's ass and I will kick yours too, sissy!
Peggy: Well, there is one thing that you did not count on! My brother has got size six feet! BUT I DON'T! HO YEAH!!!
Peggy: I hope someday you can live without alcohol, but until that day we can all live very nicely without you.
In "That's What She Said," Hank washing Rich's mouth out with soap after putting up with his lame, sex jokes and innuendo (after failing to get Buck Strickland to fire him and opting not to sue for sexual harassmentnote since making raunchy jokes during work hours is sexual harassment, but Hank, like so many others, thinks sexual harassment is when a women is inappropriately touched or looked at during work hours).
Bill, constant series loser, pulling heartbroken Boomhauer out of his funk with a truly epic rant
Bill: "I know how tough it is for you right now, curled up in your own emotional vomit. You're in hell now Boomhauer, and the only way out is through a long dark tunnel. And you're afraid to go in, cause there's a train coming at ya, carrying a box car full of heartbreak. Well let me tell you something, all you can do is let it hit you, and then try to find your legs. I know, I've taken that hit more times than I can remember. Look at me, Boomhauer. I'm fat and I'm old, and every day I'm just gonna wake up fatter and older. And somehow I manage to drag this fat old bald bastard into the alley everyday. I'm out there, digging holes, falling into them, climbing out, trying again. And tomorrow, I'm gonna hang outside a ladies prison. And the first thing those lady cons are gonna see after twenty years, is me. Will I get one? Experience says no. Will I be out there next month? If I'm alive, you better believe it. [Grabs Boomhauer's shoulder, his voice getting steadily louder] You gotta get back up on that tanning bed, slip into a tight T-shirt, wash off some of that cologne, and get yourself out of that tunnel, and into some strange woman's bed!"
A McMansion gets built in the neighborhood, and the construction is so shoddy that during a large thunderstorm, it threatens to actually fall apart and destroy several houses around it. What does the community do? GRAB HAMMERS, AXES, CHAINSAWS, AND A TRUCK AND TEAR THE DAMN THING DOWN WHILE THE THUNDERSTORM IS RAGING AROUND THEM.
After being a rampaging Know-Nothing Know-It-All for most of the show's run, Peggy Hill's Crowning Moment of Awesome came in Death Picks Cotton: when her father-in-law (Hank's dad, Cotton) is on his deathbed, Peg calls him out for being a crappy father to Hank and wishing he would just die already.
Peggy: "Enough! Your son has always loved you despite your constant torture. You want to die alone? Fine. You want to keep coming back and never die? That's fine too. In fact, I hope you do go on living forever as the unhappy person you are in the hell you have created here on this earth. I hope you live forever. I really do."
Of course, he then one-ups her and dies, right then and there, probably with a smile on his face.
And again, Cotton didn't really come off as "awesome" in this regard when you think about it. Either he's alone and miserable or he's dead. He played right into Peggy's hands. But what makes it such a great moment for Peggy is that even though Cotton had treated her like crap ever since he'd met her, she didn't chew him out in defense of her own ego, but rather in defense of Hank. It was a long-overdue "The Reason You Suck" Speech that she delivered out of love for her husband instead of hate for her Jerk Ass father-in-law, and from Peggy, that was pretty rad.
Cotton gets one of his own when he meets the kids Luanne is watching, who are an infuriating pair of wannabe hippies who accuse anyone who tries to exert the slightest bit of control over them of being a Nazi. As you might imagine, this is not the smartest thing to say to a World War II veteran (you know, someone who actually knows what a Nazi is and has fought them).
Cotton: "WHO ARE YOU CALLIN' A NAZZY?!" *headbutt!*
Hank gets one in Nine Pretty Darn Angry Men to Cotton in the perfect Shut Up, Hannibal! on how his old wife LEFT HIM, not the other way around, and that Cotton's afraid of strong women, and that Cotton is afraid of being all alone. All the while convincing some corporate stiffs to keep his mower in production.
Hank gets one during the Halloween Episode where an Evangelical Christian Moral Guardian has Halloween banned because she thinks it's a Satanic holiday. Hank starts a protest by putting on his old devil costume (despite that it's a child-sized costume and would have ripped the minute Hank tried it on) and chants "Trick or treat", followed by everyone (including Luanne) coming out in makeshift costumes.
Bill then gets a crowning moment of funny when he comes out in a ghost costume and inadvertently turns it into a toga when he rips it.
Peggy's speech to Luanne in "Wings of the Dope":
Peggy: Luanne, you have wanted to go to beauty school since you were six! You have wanted to graduate beauty school since you were twelve! If you give up on school, honey, you are giving up on your dreams. "Education is the sleeping pill that makes dreams happen." - Peggy Hill.
Peggy already had one in "Beer and Loathing", when she serves the Alamo board the tainted beer while wearing her free Alamo swag. That's getting it done.
She gets extra points in that she didn't brag to Hank what she accomplished at the end of the episode even though she had every right to. Earlier, Hank had guilt-tripped Peggy into telling him what was going on with Alamo Beer after she signed a confidentiality agreement. After she told Hank he couldn't tell the guys, they also guilt tripped him the next day and he reveals that the beer shipments were diverted to Mexico. After Peggy learned that Hank went down to Mexico with the guys and believed they got sick from Mexican bananas, she tried to convince Hank to dump the beer, and while she couldn't tell him why, she asked him to trust her. Hank wouldn't, and when he figured out the beer was tainted he made Peggy drink a can of it (albeit he did so by trying to make her admit the beer was tainted). The next day Hank marched down to Alamo headquarters and demanded an apology from the owner of the company, and Hank was promptly accused of slander. Hank assumed that, at the end, when the owner of Alamo apologized on a commercial, the apology was meant directly to Hank. The fact that Peggy didn't correct Hank is surprisingly big of her.
In "Tankin' It to the Streets", Bill suffers a break down after being told that government experiments he got when he joined the Army are the reason he's fat, bald, and hairy and deals with it by getting drunk and stealing a tank. When he wallows in self-pity, Hank tells him that he's still the great person he was back in high school, just inside a body wrecked by experimentation. When they drive the tank back to the base, a police car pulls them over. Bill gets out of the tank and gives the cops a verbal dressing-down, explaining why they're driving a tank down the street in the middle of the night and he's in nothing but boxers, and caps it all off by ordering the female cop to give him her name and phone number and leave her Saturday night open so he can take her out dancing. And it works.
Dale finally telling Bill what he REALLY thinks of the Harmonaholics. "Bill!! Bill, you have to be the stupidest man on the planet to think this is a good idea! Have you seen what you're wearing?! That outfit makes you look like a sequined train wreck! Look at you!! You're part of a twelve-headed jackass! This chorus is the feces that is produced when shame eats too much stupidity! You people make me envy the deaf and the blind!"
Becomes a moment of funny at the end. Dale literally collapses, clawing at Bill, saying, "Underwear! Money! Fat!"
The episode where Bobby has to work at the race track for a moronic, drunk, abusive boss. Hank doesn't see anything is happening until Bobby is told to cross the race-track in the middle of a race to give his boss a beer. Hank pulls him back to safe ground, runs across the track himself, kicks through the chainlink fence separating him from the Bad Boss, and proceeds to kick his ass all over the back alley.
It's one of the few times Hank actually makes good on his threat of "I'll kick your ass!" And by god does he kick ass.
For all of his stupidity, Bobby still gets one in "Hank's Bully". Basically, a young boy starts harassing Hank. Hank's hands are tied, because, well, the kid's very young. So, Hank tells Bobby that he basically wants him to ignore everything he told him about being a nice person, and turns him loose on the kid's parents. They back off and start punishing their own son after that.
Dale helping Hank getting his driver's license changed so it identifies him as a male instead of a female by using his rampant paranoia to his advantage for once. (To clarify, Dale intimidates the employee who continuously refused to change Hank's license by rattling off his knowledge of the entire chain of command, above the employee and straight to the commissioner, and their respective numbers, so he could make some phone calls to complain.)
Dale: I am your worst nightmare! I have a three-prong phone and nothing at all to do with my time!
Khan gets one in the episode "Orange You Sad I Did Say Banana". In the episode, Khan begins to feel he's not in touch with his Laotian heritage after Ted Wasongasong calls him a "Banana" (An Asian who acts white, similar to an "Oreo"note A black man who acts white) and tries to act more like a "traditional" Laotian (Much to the dismay of Connie and Mihn). However, when he finds out that Ted wants him to fight in a battle against the Laotian government (a battle which he points out he'll most likely either die in or be brain-washed in), he calls Ted (A man he idolizes the the point of Ho Yay) out on it.
Khan: It's like this. You want to play a round of golf at Nine Rivers? Give me a call. You want someone to feel guilty about the way they live their life? Call someone else!
Here's another one (probably minor) for Khan: in the episode showing the aftermath of the explosion at Megalo Mart, he calls out Luanne for acting as a bitter Soap Box Sadie who hides her emotional pain and true personality.
Peggy also has one in the one whereLucky tries to get his GED. After she finds out that his "code of honor" won't let him marry Luanne till he gets his GED. She intentionally tells him the wrong answers (though she's right that a number can have more than 1 square root). Then, after she admits it, she finds out that neither his father nor grandfather had met their goals. She tells Hank, "I think what we're looking at here is a long line of bastards", only to be corrected that they were all shotgun weddings. When Hank holds a shotgun to force Lucky to Marry Luane, he tells Hank to kick him in the ribs for some reason, and Peggy kicks him instead.
YMMV on this one since it can be seen as equal parts awesome and pure Jerkass
In the episode "The Redneck Of Rainy Street", Connie manages to get one as she continues to work hard and pursue her goals long after her parents had given up and decided to live a "hillbilly" lifestyle.
To quote Hank-"You couldn't bring that girl down if you tried!"
Hank managing to stop a group of rioting kids in "Bobby Rae". Not by yelling at them and/or threatening to kick their asses, but by calmly pointing out all the horrible things that might happen to them while protesting (which is based on what police officers did to hippie protesters in the 1960s).
Bobby reassuring Peggy at the end of "Transnational Amusements Presents: Peggy's Magic Sex Feet" that she shouldn't be ashamed of her feet just because the perverted podiatrist said so:
Peggy: I actually let myself believe that these were beautiful. Can you imagine? Peggy Hill, that's stupid.
Bobby: I can imagine, Mom. I'm fat.
Peggy: Oh, no, honey, you're husky! It says so on your jeans.
Bobby: Mom, I'm fat. But big deal. I don't feel bad about it, and you never made me feel bad about it. And just because there are people out there who want me to feel bad about it doesn't mean I have to. So Bobby Hill's fat. He's also funny, he's nice, he's got a lot of friends, a girlfriend. And if you don't mind, I think I'll go outside right now and squirt her with water. What are you going to do?
Buck actually gets one during the episode at the national propane gas association convention (which, considering his character, is hard to believe). After he and his recently discovered son Ray Roy's actions drive Hank to get sloshed, humiliate himself in front of a huge crowd, and barf on one of the platinum circle women, Buck and Ray Roy hatch a plan, along with Peggy. Drawing the punishment board away from Hank with a promise of a "hospitality suite", Buck and Ray Roy frame them with pictures of the cute girls from the suite all over the board. Not only do they not punish Hank, they induct him into the hall of flame with Buck.
An earlier moment that was both CMOF and CMOA for Peggy was when she found out Hank was in trouble. She kicks the door to the bar Buck and Ray are drinking at and Buck is scared calling her one of the big dogs.
Buck gets a few of these actually, mainly because his character makes it all the more awesome. In one episode where he Co-owns a Car Wash with Khan, thus forcing Hank to work for his penny-pinching neighbor while being on the brunt end of all the abuse, Hank quits and Khan mocks him, saying that Buck can find another gas monkey. Buck, amazingly enough, stands by Hank and says you don't kill the Golden Goose and sells his shares on the spot so that Hank would have only quit from his job at the Car Wash.
When Hank rescues Bobby from Arkansas, and lets Buck Strickland jump in the back of his truck as he's being pursued by a bunch of thugs. Strickland shouts at them, calling them sons of bitches, and Hank slows down just enough to let one of the thugs punch Strickland in the face. It's one of those rare moments when you know Hank is aware of just what a sleazeball he works for.
In The Incredible Hank, Peggy drugs Hank with testosterone to make him feel better. She than thinks he's getting too much strength and cuts him off, causing him to lose all his strength. This wouldn't be a problem except that Hank had signed up for Arlen's version of Spain's Running of the Bulls. The moment comes after he loses all his testosterone but he continues to try and work out by leaping over his lawn mower. You can tell he's been at this for awhile as he's covered with sweat and filthy from the ground. Hank knows he's not feeling well that he may be sick and that all his strength is gone. His response keep on training until he's strong again.
Later on he successfully (read: does not die) runs with the bulls without any testosterone whatsoever.
No one has even made mention of Luanne in "Keeping Up With Our Joneses"? For shame! Granted, this was in the first season, before she became Too Dumb to Live. Basically, the Hill Family became addicted to cigarette smoking, thanks to Hank. Luanne remained the only remember of the household not addicted, and took on the duty of making sure the Hills didn't stray from their attempt to give it up. It reached the point that all three Hills were willing to kill one another over a single cigarette, until Luanne managed to lock them inside Hank and Peggy's bedroom. They remained there for the night until they beat their collective addiction together. It's what Luanne says as she's locking them inside that really clinches it:
Luanne: I am sick and tired of dysfunctional families! I came from one, and I'm not gonna let it happen to you. Now FUNCTION! FUNCTION, DAMN YOU!
Luanne also gets another, albeit minor, one when going into labor with Gracie. After being caught in a tug-of-war on child-rearing between her sister-in-law Myrna and her aunt Peggy, she finally stands up for herself and takes a third choice: hers.
In the final episode, Bobby single-handedly takes on the state meat-grading championship after the rest of his team is stranded by their rivals. After the team disparaged him and treated him like crap for making a mistake at regionals. The crowner comes at the end, where the team shows up and forces Bobby onto the sidelines on the assumption that he'll choke. On the final challenge, they're about to declare a cut of beef perfect, but Bobby sees an imperfection. Hank tells him to stand up for himself and Bobby goes over and, against the protests of his team, points out the flaw, winning the competition entirely on his own.
Peggy gets one during the episode when Bobby starts using a ventriloquist dummy. Hank is at first utterly mortified that Bobby is "playing with a doll", until Bobby begins using the dummy, Chip, to display knowledge of sports events and history. But it becomes increasingly clear that Hank is having more fun with Chip than with Bobby, and actually tells Bobby to suck it up when he complains that his hand's getting numb. Dale destroys the dummy due to an irrational fear of the thing, and Hank to decides to build a new oney, based off of Chip in his own image. Peggy is instantly aware that Hank is taking this opportunity to build the perfect surrogate son, constructing it to be everything he wishes Bobby was. She suggest this to Hank:
Peggy: While you're at it, you can use the leftover lumber, to build the wife you've always wanted too.
At first, it appears Peggy's words don't get through to Hank, until he finally finishes, and the dummy is now designed to look exactly like Bobby.
The entire Hill family (the main three, anyway) had one collectively in the episode where they take down the corrupt city council, thanks to the chairman forcing low-flow toilets on Arlen to combat the drought. Hank joins the council to affect change, Bobby discovers that the chairman owns the company that makes the low-flows, and Peggy gives him the idea to filibuster by having Hank read Peggy's musings until the other members have to go to the bathroom, which convinces them that the low-flows are garbage and gets them to vote to get rid of them.
Peggy's con in "The Substitute Spanish Prisoner" qualifies. A "professor" had been taking advantage of a bunch of poor, stupid, and gullible people, including Peggy, conning them all into paying for a "doctor" diploma and refusing to give refunds. So Peggy gets all of the other people who were scammed together to pull of a fairly obvious con at the Econo Suites. They have the guy bet his money in a fake gambling parlor and make it look like he'll win big. Only the guy pulls out with the money. Bobby then lets the scam slip to Hank, who was already assuming, correctly at first, Peggy was in over her head, and came to confront the guy who quickly stashed the money in a room safe. After the guy points out the illegality of what Peggy did Hank leaves, only to discover his room safe is gone. When he goes to front desk, he learns the Econo Suites don't have room safes. Peggy had Boomhauer put one in and then removed it while the guy wasn't looking. The group gets their money back, and to top it off Peggy had a scheme ready in case Hank did actually have faith in her: fake valet parking. Ho yeah.
In the episode where Peggy is secretly slipping Hank testosterone pills, a more alert Hank took the opportunity to dismantle Dale's latest conspiracy by pointing out that it contradicts numerous other conspiracies he's ranted about over the years, leaving Dale speechless as Hank effortlessly demonstrates that he's been listening to every insane thing that has come out of Dale's mouth over the years and paid attention to it.
A minor one, but in the episode "Texas City Twister", Hank tries to get Luanne to move back into her old trailer when he finds out the park is still trying to charge her rent. What's awesome is the exchange from when the wrench carrying loan shark comes to his house:
Hank: Yes, she used to live there. But it flipped over and now she lives with us.
When Lenore comes back into Bill's life and ruins his relationship with Ann Richards, Bill proposes to Lenore again and she turns him down. Then she sees Ann and announces that Bill proposed to her. When Lenore begins shrieking like a harpy for Bill to get out of Ann's car, Bill finally tells Lenore where to stick it by mooning her.
In one episode, Bobby becomes the latest "project" for a trio of older girls who start patronizing him like their pet. When they're being accosted by a couple of stoners, Bobby actually defends the girls and tells the two to back off, despite the fact that the girls were just using him for their amusement. The stoners are pretty impressed by how brave Bobby is being for people who don't deserve it, and tell the girls off for mistreating him.
In one episode, Khan offers Bobby $300 dollars to break up with Connie, trying to say that they're no good for each other and he knows it. Bobby responds "I will be a prop comic, Connie will be a concert violinist, and we will make it work! This is the future! You'd better get used to it!" and storms off.
Bill pulling Peggy and Hank out of their house when it gets flooded with gas due to Hank improperly installing a water heater. Ladybird gets one by pulling Bobby out of the house too.
Everyone gets one in the Christmas episode where Hank, Bobby and friends go trucking to Hank's mom's retirement village. They get caught on top of a mountain while low on fuel and have to do a tricky maneuver to scale down the mountain. Hank and Bobby take the wheel and steer the semi backwards down a mountain road with Boomhaurer giving commands on when to turn. When the stuff in the trailer starts to fall out, Bill charges at the massive pile and pushes it back single-handily. Dale... well, he didn't screw anything up this time. That's pretty impressive.
In "The Exterminator" Dale is told that if he inhales anymore poison he'll die, forcing him to give up his career as a pest exterminator. He gets an office job and things go well until a massive swarm of roaches (which Dale bred) takes over the lunch room. Dale goes into Combat Pragmatist mode and kills every single one of them with various office supplies and his own hands. The battle ends when he crawls into the vent they're spewing from, spins like a turbine and crushes all of them.
All of Cotton's WWII flashbacks and stories count (assuming they're true) but the first is still the best: The loss of his shins. The flashback ends with the visual of Cotton beating a man to death with his friend's severed leg on top of a pile of corpses and surrounded by burning buildings, after he had his shins blown off.
Cotton:I was 14, just a little older than Bobby. But I knew Uncle Sam needed me, so I lied and signed up. We had beat the Nazzys in Italy, and they shipped me to the Pacific theater. A Tojo torpedo sent our troop ship to the bottom. I could only save three of my buddies: Fatty, Stinky, and Brooklyn. They were kind of like you fellas [to Bill, Dale, and Boomhauer], only one of them was from Brooklyn. Out of the sun came a Tojo Zero and put fitty bullets in my back. The blood attracted sharks. I had to give 'em Fatty. Then things took a turn for the worse. I made it to an island, but it was full of Tojos! They were spitting on the U.S. flag! So I rushed 'em, but it was a trap. They opened fire and blew my shins off. Last thing I remember, I beat 'em all to death with a big piece of Fatty. I woke up in a field hospital, and they were sewing my feet to my knees.
In Bobby Slam, Peggy begins to encourage Connie's desire to be on the school wrestling team despite the sexist coach constantly spouting "girls can't play sports". Peggy and Connie go to Khan and Minh, who decide to support Connie's decision since it'd look good on her college applications. When they go to Principal Moss, he offers that Connie take gymnastics instead. As he puts it, "Asian girls usually excel at gymnastics. With their tiny little feet, balance beam seems as wide as a sidewalk." Both Khan and Minh looked as if they wanted to tear Moss's throat out, and then order him to let Connie try out for the team or they'll sue for racial/sexual discrimination.
In Escape from Party Island, Bill's stalker tendencies go into overdrive while Hank is babysitting his mom and her friends. After numerous, not-so-subtle, and rather disturbing advances to Peggy, leading up to her not arriving at a barbecue he planned solely for her, he shows up at Bobby's little league game the next day. He's wearing the same clothes he wore yesterday and is covered in smoke, implying there was a fire, and then starts crying and screaming at Bobby's coach to let him play because he's "responsible for that boy". While Peggy is facepalming, Bill tells her he's "not angry at her", at which point she angrily tells him to get his arm off her and shoves him off the bleachers with her backhand.
Wynonna Judd's response to Hank attempting to solicit propane in Peggy's Fan Fair can be this for those annoyed by Hank's religious obsession with and tendency to push it onto people.
Wynonna Judd: I was raised with charcoal. I'll die with charcoal. So back off!
In Business Is Picking Up, Bobby starts up a service for cleaning vomit up around the community college. Hank and Peggy, naturally, disagree with this, telling him it's a "disrespectful" career choice. Bobby snaps back with this:
"First you want me to have a future, now it's respect. I can't hit a moving target, Dad! ... Other than the fact that it's not the great almighty propane, show me just one downside to my career!" (Bobby then storms off)
In Hank's Dirty Laundry, Hank's social life and perfect credit get destroyed when a video store falsely charges an unreturned porno film to his credit card. He takes it to court, and wins handily, using the lead porn actress' ass tattoo and the date of her 18th birthday debut video as proof that the porno didn't even exist at the date he supposedly rented it.
The episode in which Peggy struggles to learn how to walk again after recovering from a major spinal injury has a couple of good ones, but it culminates with Cotton using The Power of Hate to make Peggy walk again:
Cotton: "You get to the top of this hill and I will let you dance on my grave!"
The best part is that he actually honors his words, and takes her hand while they literally dance on his grave.
"The Unbearable Blindness of Laying"note The episode where Hank catches his mom having sex with her new boyfriend and succumbs to hysterical blindness: When Cotton offhandedly insults Hank's mother in front of her new boyfriend Kasner, the new guy (a veteran of Korea in his seventies) fires back immediately, saying something that Hank has always wished he had the guts to say:
Kasner: "My Tillie is a wonderful woman! A beautiful woman! - and you never did anything but treat her like garbage! If you ever talk like that about her again, I'll kick your ass!"
Hank chasing after his friends (who made fun of him when he went blind) with a golf club after Hank gets his sight back is one for those who don't think Hank's abuse while blind is funny. Otherwise, it's a Crowning Moment of Funny.
Hank's speech to the misinformed child welfare officer (Anthony Page) in the pilot. The guy is pretty much accusing Hank of abusing Bobby (solely due to gossip and no research). Hank gives the guy a verbal beat-down of how much he loves his son and then kicks the guy out of his house.
Anthony's boss firing him and throwing out the case after asking him if he talked to the Little League coach (who is friends with the child welfare office supervisor), which is the first thing child welfare officers must do in cases like this (talk to teachers, coaches, etc to see if the injury was from some accident that happened in school/during sports practice or a game).
In the episode where Bobby is believed to be a Lama, Hank acts like an ignorant jackass about it. When he confronts a monk about it, he completely owns Hank by using Buddhist philosophy.
Hank: You're talking like a song from The Lion King. It makes no sense.
In The Texas Panhandler, Bobby and Joseph are convinced by some college-aged hipsters to beg for money, claiming it is cool, until Hank forces him to give back all the change he "earned" from bumming. Bobby then gets a job handing out coupons for half-price on a vasectomy (even though he doesn't know what a vasectomy is) when a girl asks him out on a date to see a Will Ferrell movie. He snaps when he sees the guys being treated like royalty for being bums and exposes them for being fake bums. When the main hipster threatens to hurt Bobby, Hank steps in and warns him to back off his son.