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Dethroning Moment: Cracked
A website doesn't go on for more than fifty years without hitting a few rough patches along the way.
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A Black Raptor: Their 'Science Vs Marvel' article. I've been annoyed at articles before (I conteplated using Terrible Superhusbands article due to its massive levels of taking OOC moments at face value and blaming the characters for it as if they're always like it), but this article was just plain awful. Yes, super hero origins are a little silly and don't hold up well in real life, but the ammount of poor research that the writer used makes them look like they just hated Stan Lee and/or Marvel Comics. Being bitten by a radioactive spider = super powers is obviously silly, but the spider bite causing radiation poisoning? Because the spider's venom would become radioactive and as such be inside him? Ok, that's a little cynical. Mr Fantastic not being allowed to use his own home made rocket or take his untrained family with him into space does have a point. The use of Evolution as an explanation for super powers is a little flimsy, except that later writers would introduce the concept of an 'X Gene' which causes random super powers, which the writer just ignores. The Hulk explanation of being hit by a gamma bomb is stupid, but the 'second problem' suggested was just not thinking straight. Because, as you know, the US regularly test bombs near their own civilization, and as such every city 'for miles' would be effected by Gamma bomb energy. Those got more and more cynical, but the absolute worst is Punisher. For one, it has nothing to do with science. Secondly, the 'reason' it wouldn't work is because the police would stop him the second he went out to kill someone. Because, everyone knows the police have a near spotless record for catching murderers. This got even more glaring if you actually read anything about his relationship with the police (In that, they all feel sorry for him and turn the other way). This all makes it look incredibly hate filled, especially when you realize that they specifically target Marvel and only Marvel, when DC and Darkhorse Comics are just as bad at origins. Again, there's been plenty of articles that have pissed me off, but this one article shows that the writers will not bother to check their facts when they decide to write that it calls any article into question.
Sen: Considering they've already done funnyparodies of North Korea, the above seems inexplicable.
HeavyMetalSnail: 5 Prejudices That Video Games Can't Seem to Get Over is the worst Cracked.com article I have ever read. The writer (J.F. Sargent) tries to make a point about sexism and racism in video games in what could've been a provocative yet interesting article if the writer did any research. Most the time, Sargent is reading way too much into video game mechanics to find racism, most infamously saying that Redguards taking an intelligence penalty meant they couldn't use magic ("The in-game equivalent to technology") that was racist while failing to mention that the predominately white Nords take a similar penalty and that one could still use magic despite an intelligence penalty. At other times, he's out right lying about content in the game (like saying that most Asari in Mass Effect work as strippers) as well as taking quotes from characters in the game out of context and blowing the reasoning behind them completely out of proportion. The worst moment though comes from when he complains about how there's no same sex relationships for men in video games despite the fact that the header shows a picture of Zevran from Dragon Age: Origins who's bisexual and has a developed romance subplot for men as well as women. The article was just a series of half-baked, misinformed statements only made possible by outright ignoring information presented in the game. Definitely deserves its place as one of the worst articles on the site.
Moonstone Spider: While not as blatantly offensive and despicable as many of the examples below, I found 5 Ways You Don't Realize Movies are Controlling Your Brain. staggeringly poorly researched and ignorant. The entire article rests on the assertion that human beings can only think in terms of stories. Fair enough, but then the author asserts that all stories must have clearly defined hero and villain and a Three Act Structure. Given that the vast majority of stories don't have those elements this is an incredibly poorly-thought-out piece of writing. Perhaps the writer has simply never read the likes of "The Lady or the Tiger" where both of those elements are completely missing, but how did said Author manage to get through High School or at least College English without reading many of the most influential short stories of all time? Even if he somehow missed that, there sheer number of entries on the No Antagonist trope page should be a clue, or going even more basic, one might note that of the four classic story types (Man Against Man, Man Against Nature, Man Against Society, and Man Against Himself), only Man Against Man has a clear-cut villain, and man against society is the very type of story the author asserts humans are inherently incapable of understanding.
madamecaroline: Cracked has had bad moments with transphobia before, but their 'If Everything in Life Listed the Side Effects' photoplasty in particular sticks out in my mind. One of the pictures is of a girl in short shorts with high heels, with the caption "This product's contents may not contain an actual female. Potential users should check in advance before use. No refunds.". This picture is grossly offensive and transphobic, both for implying that trans-women are not actually women, and for stereotyping trans-women as prostitutes.
fluffything: For me, I find their How 7 Iconic Movie Characters Would Fare In Slasher Movies article to be their DMOS. It starts off ok with them rating how well characters like Willy Wonka and Optimus Prime would do if they were in a slasher film. Seems straightforward enough, but, then the DMOS kicks in when they add Freddy Krueger into the list. First off, Freddy Krueger is already a character in a slasher movie series (IE: He's the main villain). Second, and more importantly, the only reason he's added was just so that we could have another round of Cracked having a terribly-done Take That at the character. And what are their reasons Freddy wouldn't survive in a horror film? They claim that outside the dream world he is little more than a "hipster with knives" (And their only so-called logic behind that claim is because Freddy wears a fedora). Ok, yes, Freddy is mortal in the real world. But, here's the thing. He's still a notorious serial killer. The guy isn't exactly helpless as a mortal, he can still stab you with his glove. Plus, they claim that people would instantly recognize him and would immediately just push him into a fire and burn him to death (again). Two things wrong with that. One, Freddy Krueger was able to go toe-to-toe against Jason Voorhees (who is physically larger and stronger than Freddy) by using his cunning to his advantage. I'm fairly certain Freddy could hold his own against a bunch of teenagers. Two, I'm fairly certain most people wouldn't look at a horribly burnt man with a razor-glove and go "I should fight him". In fact, I'm fairly certain they would run screaming in the other direction. The whole inclusion of Freddy on the list is little more than a poor attempt to bash the character by providing the weakest reason to do so I've ever seen. Look, if they're not fans of Freddy, fine. But, this is just painfully stupid to read.
Math Wizard Boy: "6 Reasons it is Impossible to Quit World of Warcraft" was a good article up until reason #1. Keep in mind, up until this point, the format is a question questioning something about the game that outsiders might look at and think WTF. i.e., "How can you play the same game for eight years without getting tired of it?", and the author explains that The Dev Team Thinks of Everything and is constantly adding new stuff to the game. So for #1, the question is "[the expansion pack Mists of Pandaria] looks incredibly retarded. Does playing it mean you are retarded?" The author's short answer is yes. The long answer involves criticizing the World of Warcraft community (because the panda was the most requested idea from the players), calling the idea "buttfuck stupid", and saying that "Anyone who buys the game so that they can pretend to be [Po from] Kung Fu Panda isn't old enough to play video games in the first place". Really? This is an article about why it's impossible to quit World of Warcraft, and the "number one" reason why is because an expansion looks retarded and anyone who plays it is too?.
InTheGallbladder: I used to think that Cracked stopped being good after a while, but after looking at one of their older articles (7 Beloved Celebrities And The Awful Shit You Forgot They Did) I'm beginning to wonder whether they even started. They got a lot of things only half-right (such as the events surrounding Paul Reubens fall from grace at #2), several of the contrasts didn't really work, and the overall tone was indicative of bias, but what sticks out most to me is #7. Cole Finchen ignored the context in which Dr. Dre and Eminem joked about Dee Barnes' assault,note The joke in question was "You gonna take advice from somebody who slapped Dee Barnes?" from the song "Guilty Conscience." It was Eminem's attempt to discredit Dr. Dre's status as the Good Angel to his Bad Angel. presumably so he could tar them both as sexists.
Dr Zulu 2010: 6 reasons Resident Evil movies are better than the games. Oh boy, where do I begin? Well, it's written by Luke McKinney (who has a few other articles of his up here as well) and the arguments he throws as to why are more alike to the cliched "Gamers will go apeshit when their precious little stories are tampered by those hollywood phonies" crap we used to know as well as weak reasons; especially the arguments that the games waste your time and having a worse plot than the games. First of all, it's a survival horror. It focuses more on exploration than fighting. Many games have done that before and after RE cames (IE: Sweet Home, Alone In The Dark 1992, Corpse Party, Silent Hill etc). Second, while I admit that the plot of the games are not groundbreaking, they are told more straight than the movies in many cases. And third, he critizise the games for its large cast of characters instead of one character. That you likes the movies, fine (I even enjoyed the first RE movie and liked some part of the second one), but, if you want to show why you think they are better than the games a lot of people grew up with, throw some damn good arguments to back it up.
Tropers/Reviewgamesh: McKinney doesn't seem to have a grasp on the fact that the games are quite aware of their Camp factor whereas the movies play all of their tropes completely straight. His opinions on the characters- Leon, unlikable, really?- also make it look like he's just looking for something to bitch about. The game characters grab the Idiot Ball and run with it sometimes, but that absolutely pales to what happens anytime Alice steps within 10 feet of a character from the games in one of the films.
RA 2: Kristi Harrison's "5 Life Lessons from a Former Mean Girl." I recognize that it's easy to hate someone who was a bully in elementary school, let alone one who doesn't seem apologetic. And I recognize that it's foolhardy to judge someone real harshly based on their actions from that age. But Harrison goes so far out of her way to portray herself as a saint and wise sage, to the point that she doesn't just come across as remorseless, but delusional too. She acts like she became a better person, not based on anything she did, but because some teachers "saw the good in her", and her classmates and present day coworkers like her. Seriously, all she had under the section "people change" were the responses when she asked her coworkers "what do you think of me?" and lo and behold, they were all positive. But what really takes the cake is her wholehearted defending of Chris Brown, of all people! Apparently the man is "sick in the head" therefore off-limits for teasing on Twitter, and anyone who did insult him is a cyberbully (you can see in her cherrypicked screenshot that the "cyberbully" gets several obscene replies and death threats in response). I have no idea how she segues between her own experiences picking on people and deeming Chris Brown an unacceptable target, but it's the final nail in the coffin. Somehow she thinks she's the authority about what people can and can't say on Twitter just because she's a former "mean girl." Here's an actual quote from the article:
Making fun of Chris Brown is like making fun of a quadriplegic blind man who's also retarded in the retarded sense of the word "retarded."
If she's going to give tips about comedy, she should exhibit a little aptitude of it herself.
Floweramon: 4 Insane Pieces of 'My Little Pony' Fan Art . This article is basically nothing but uninformed opinions and obvious bias. Three of the things listed aren't fanart, they're fanfiction, and one of them is Fallout: Equestria. It says the story contains graphic rape (it doesn't) and doesn't really analyze why it deserves to be on the list aside from "It's My Little Pony with death, sex, and a nuclear apocalypse and it's horrible!" The other things are porn (oh gee, like no other fandom has fan porn), specific fetish fanfiction (again, not MLP specific), and a gorey fanfic. Honestly, the entire thing feels like they didn't fully look into/for actual insane fanart/fiction and just wanted rag on MLP.
tgsnum5: 5 popular jokes that only make people want to punch youshould win a award for "Worst understanding of reader base of all time." Whatever you think of Cheese, this is just pretentious even for his standards. To sum the article up, he bashes people for making bad jokes (which is obviously extremely subjective, although he acts like his word is the final word.) while showing off twitter posts that have him making said bad jokes. But its when the readers respond to it that things just get out of control. Cheese and Wong go on a banning spree to anyone even remotely bashing the article, all while Cheese is posting tweets bashing the comments section, up and to the point of saying, I shit you not:
"The only reason we still even have a comments section is because it keeps them rounded up in a nice neat place where they can jack off to each other and leave the normal people to their adult lives. It's like having a play room for the kids at Thanksgiving so the adults can hang out and watch football without being annoyed every two minutes from some stupid, meaningless, dumb kid shit."
No comment. In the end a lot of people who read the site from the beginning wound up perma-IP-banned, and neither Cheese nor Wong them have apologised for what they said. And while Cheese was a Base Breaker from the start, looking through the comments now almost no one is standing up for him, and point out that for all the bashing he gets, John never talks about the ones thanking him for his inspirational and thought provoking articles. It was pretty much the all time low for the comments section on the site, and really stands as a monument to selective hearing and categorizing (he claims to never read the comments.) without evidence on the internet.
Mister Nobody : It goes even further as apparently, David Wong is actively campaigning for the total removal of the comments section. He has referred to the comment section as "a cancer on the site" and time will tell if the site's owners agree with his opinion.
Purple Shirt: The 7 Commandments That All Video Games should obey. First off, it starts off with "All games should have multiplayer if they're on consoles"... and cites games made specifically for single player, like Shadowrun. Probably not a good idea to get your point. His point about Grand Theft Auto makes a lot more sense - seeing as the game advertises multiplayer but you have to be within arms length if you're playing with each other. However, the biggest one is when they say to hire some decent voice actors and brings up an example from Final Fantasy X. This example? The laughing scene. This is illustrated with a YouTube clip taken entirely out of context. When you take things out of context, it makes you look silly, yes, and Rule of Funny is in effect... but for those in the know-how, it just makes you look like an uneducated moron. That's the kind of shit X-Play, Zero Punctuation, and The Irate Gamer pull. I don't even like Final Fantasy X, and I can cite better examples of "poor voice acting" in the game. (Rikku's Lip Lock, Seymour sounding like he's high on drugs) He also says the game took $32 million to make and "Give some of that to the story writing department". Uhm... when you're talking about actors and mention saying the writers need more money... then you're just going the other way. The point may have been "Hire some decent actors to deliver those lines" but when you blame the writers on what you perceive to be poor acting, you just come off as incredibly indecisive.
Midna: Originally my entry was regarding Christina H.'s "6 Misleading Assumptions You Make About Quiet People" and its unnecessary, out-of-left-field jab at fans of My Little Pony. At least Christina was actually interested in writing a compelling article, though: the same cannot be said for Adam Tod Brown's "The 6 Most Overrated Media Outrages of 2013". They Just Didn't Care. That's all there is to it. The lack of effort put into writing the blog is frankly astonishing. It starts with an unbelievably blatant plug for Cracked's soon-to-be-aptly-named "Unpopular Opinion" podcast, and the rest of the article is no better; not only is it written with a general "meh, whatever, I don't really care" attitude (even over major scandals like the German NSA wiretapping), he actually links to one of his earlier articles on #2, unintentionally implying a comment along the lines of "Hey, you! Remember this earlier artice I wrote? The better one?" Look, ATB: I understand it's the holiday season and that you'd rather spend time with friends and family than write an article for a comedy website. That does not mean you can turn in half-assed shit like this and call it a day.
Tropers/darkrage6: For me it was Ricardo Rivera's "5 Hilarious Actor Meltdowns Behind Famous Movies"(which really weren't hilarious, If you ask me) first off including Lindsay Lohan's antics on the set of "The Canyons" when there were much better choices for the list that didn't get included(like Martin Sheen's breakdown while filming Apocalypse Now)but the worst part was the one picture of Lindsay's mughots with a caption that calls her a "ridiculous fucking mess of a human." OK i'm used to seeing jokes about Lindsay on the site and I know she's made plenty of mistakes and people have valid reasons for not liking her, but that caption truly crossed the line as it wasn't a joke, it was just a cruel and despicable statement(and unfortunately most of the people in the comments section are making equally disgusting statements about her) that made Ricardo sound like a total dickhead, considering that former child star Mara Wilson's article mentioned how insulting celebrities doesn't make you a better person(or something like that)you'd think that Rivera would've been more respectful. Also there's some Critical Research Failure when the article says that "The Canyons" was rejected from every film festival(actually only two, and the execs at one of them got in trouble for making unprofessional comments about the film) when in fact the film was accepted for a showing at the Venice Film Festival in August, (the news had been out for a few weeks so there's no excuse for him not mentioning it) that just proves that Ricardo is a lazy and incredibly shitty writer who doesn't belong on Cracked. Cheese and Wong for all the dickish things they've said have at least written good articles, something I definitely cannot say about Rivera.
The Funny Brony: I absolutely love Cracked, but my DMoS has to be the article on furries due to the author going by every negative stereotype about the fandom, such as furries are people who love to dress up in animal suits and have wild sex parties and so on. Personally, as a lover of furry things, it seems they lacked any real research on the fandom and went by pure bias. I love Cracked, but that lost a lot of respect for them from me.
Man Called True: "Six WTF Video Game Endings". No research at all. The second Monkey Island game is listed with no discussion whatsoever about why the ending turned out that way (and no acknowledgement of the sequel's resolution for it), and Drakengard is dismissed as a generic hack-n-slash fantasy (when it's notorious for being one of the darkest Deconstruction Game creations ever). Worse, when called on it by several commentators, the author grew angry and defensive, refusing to admit when he was wrong. Cracked isn't known for its veracity, but this is just childish and spiteful.
FromtheWordsofBR: I normally like Cracked. However, I think that "Top 3 Songs That Should've Never Existed" is by far the lowest point this website ever has. To sum this up, here's what the top "Just the Facts" part of the article says:
Thetundraterror: "5 Basic Things You Won't Believe Science Can't Explain"? Yeah, try 5 things the author couldn't be arsed to Google. Aside from the fact that 'science' isn't a person but a method, this list goes above and beyond with how ignorant the author is. The author starts of by saying "no one knows why ice expands and floats". Yes, we do. If you took 10 seconds to just Google "why does ice expand", you'll know why. It also acts that because pi is an irrational number, it's some sort of "code of the universe". If it's because it's an irrational number than the root of 2 should also count. Things like the universe having 11 dimensions is just a hypothesis at best. Really, this whole article could be summed up with Fuckin' magnets, how do they work?!
Erin582: "Six Harsh Truths That Will Make You A Better Person" gets my vote. While in theory, it makes sense and says, on one hand, that life is not fair and realize that you can be better than what you are and not have to settle for less. On the other hand, however, I took away from it as coming off as preachy and pointed advice that teaches a rather warped and self-loathing lesson of never putting yourself first, realize that you will never be good enough in society's eyes and that you should be obsessed with what other people think of you to the point of insecurity. This is not surprising that this article came from David Wong, who seems to be obsessed with accentuating the negative and looking at this world for being forever cynical and less-than-stellar. One of the absolute worst parts of the article? He actually have the nerve to say that he wished someone told him these "important lessons" earlier in life.
Mightymoose101: "Six Sexist Video Game Problems Worse than the Breasts", combining Cracked's new obsession with soap-boxing with their complete ignorance towards the video game industry, and what you get is a truly awful read. From blatantly ignoring basic facts (complaining about how "It took more computing power to render boobs than NASA took to land the moon" when the processor on your average iPhone is space aged technology compared to what they were using in 1969), to just twisting scenes so that they can fit in the author's purview of sexism (such as stating that Ellie breaking down into tears after just barely escaping being possibly raped and eaten, and having to brutally kill a man with a machete, is sexist because the game dared to have Joel try to comfort her for essentially going through hell). The whole article is just clickbait at it's most vile and unashamed, and nobody comes off well for reading it: it makes feminism look bad, it makes Cracked look bad, and the fact that nobody in the Cracked Staff will fess up to having wrote it clearly shows that they don't exactly hold it in high regard, either.
T448Eight: The list on "The Top 8 Everything of 2012", specifically the video game entries. Two of those games weren't even released in 2012, and most of the games are just tablets. The staff doesn't even (Aside from maybe Robert Brockway and David Wong) play videogames...
Knight9910: Definitely. This one was such a terrible moment that it made me change my D Mo S for Cracked.note Previously it was 5 Unexpected Downsides of High Intelligence. on the grounds of it being the first point when I noticed the site's trend toward anti-intellectualism. The list as a whole was an obvious (and desperate) attempt to recapture some of the popularity of earlier article The Top 5 Everything Of The Decade (For Better Or Worse). But the video games section in and of itself was rife with bad ideas:
Most of the writers totally admit right off that they don't play video games. Soren Bowie even goes so far as to name 2009's Words With Friends as the best game of 2012, just because it's the only game he knows anything about.
Kristi Harrison named Draw Something with the specific reasoning that the title is lazy and therefore, according to her, totally indicative of everything video games are.
Robert Brockway starts to make a good point about DayZ being popular despite being a mod for another game, but then loses it when he says that no one is ever allowed to complain about indie developers being underappreciated ever again, all because one indie game made it big. He then goes on to say the following: "Modding [...] just 10 years ago aspired to, at most, replace the faces of some enemy models with crudely pixelated butts." Not only has no mod (to my knowledge) ever done that, but the modding "scene" has boasted numerous extremely advanced mods throughout the history of video games. Hell, do the names Team Fortress or Counter-Strike mean anything to you, Robert?
ading: While there have been quite a few Cracked articles over the years that were not quite up to standards, 6 Ad Campaigns That Prove Humanity Is Doomed is, overall, not one of them. However, there is one moment in it that was just plain wrong: They complain about an ad which shows a little girl flirting with someone so he'll give her ice cream. That in itself isn't problematic, but the DMOS comes when the writer calls the ad "Child Whore" in order to attract Google traffic. Dude, Not Funny!
Ding Jun:This troper found number 3 on this article about children being forced to partake in beauty contests to be quite infuriating. Therein, the author makes fun of a contest jury's decision to make an autistic child "Miss Personality". Not only is this a very crude joke at the expense of autists in general, the author is also absolutely unwilling to acknowledge that anything might be wrong with such charming lines as "of all the kids in the pageant, you picked the autistic one for a personality prize? Was that a bizarre joke?" or "her daughter apparently just has a half loaf of shit for personality". Such distasteful jokes are cruel, immature, and reflect a general misconception of autism as something that turns people into unfeeling non-humans. It goes to show once again just how far many of Cracked's editors are willing to go to get a chuckle out of people, even if this means displaying a level of ugly contempt usually reserved for half-literate Youtube-commenters.
Lopiny: It's generally known that Cracked has a bit of a Right Hand Versus Left Hand problem when it comes to titling articles, including one article about unknown truths about drone warfare being titled "6 myths about drone warfare you won't believe". That one isn't the DMOS in question. The DMOS in question would be the initial title for Six Signs of the Time Way Older than your Grandpa: Six forms of modern depravity way older than your grandpa. Considering gay marriage is part of the list, it was, at the very least, a mayor goof.
Angelslayer: This J.F. Sargent article about the Men's Rights Movement starts out by comparing the MRM to neo-Nazis and placing blame on them for the Rodgers killings, and it just keeps going downhill from there, generalizing the entire mens right movement as a bunch of whiny, self-entitled, misogynistic babies. The article seems to think reddit is a good source, and that's in the very first point... it's really quite a tip-off about the quality of the article. The whole thing reads like the sort of garbage you'd see on a radical feminist blog on Tumblr, not on a humor site. This just goes to show how far Cracked has fallen in recent years.
Mewlettucerush: seconded so hard although for a while I still read Cracked for the history articles (which are pretty awesome) this guaranteed I wont be returning to the site anytime soon.
ergies: This article about out of place artifacts. One point was about how a "researcher" discovered a striking similarity between the Zuni tribe and Japanese because of how the words sound like each other....using words that aren't even close to Japanese. The D Mo S is the sheer gullibility of the writer and the comments who insist on defending the claim using the excuse that the Japanese she was referencing was an ancient one. Even if you don't understand Japanese and use a dictionary, this is all contradicted by the fact that her only point of reference is Modern Japanese.