Played by Tommy Wiseau
- Oh hai, X.
- That's the idea!
- "Don't worry about that/it." Says this to things people would typically worry about, with variations.
- Cold Ham: Thanks to Wiseau's horrible acting. Even when Johnny is screaming and going over the top, he sounds bored with his dialogue.
- Dull Surprise: "I did not hit her, it's not true. It's bullshit, I did not hit her! I did NAAAGHT... Oh hi, Mark."
- Eyes Always Shut: His eyes are usually halfway closed for whatever reason.
- Gonk: Tommy Wiseau isn't as attractive as he thinks he is.
- The Hyena: "Ts-Hahahahahahahahaha."
- Large Ham: Somehow manages to overlap this with Dull Surprise.
- Lip Lock: Has a bad case of it.
- Looks Like Cesare: Black hair, and an appearance that suggests he doesn't go outside much.
- Nice Guy: Lets see, he apparently buys Lisa a dozen red roses every time they make love, or at least often enough to be the flower shop lady's favorite customer, and would do anything for. He's paying for Denny's college and tuition without asking for anything in return. Is incredibly nice to all of his friends and seems to only want to make Lisa happy.
Played by Juliette Danielle
- Big Bad: The closest thing the movie has to one.
- Bitch in Sheep's Clothing: She seems nice, at first. Then we find out that she's cheating on her loving fiancee because she's bored with him.
- "I don't want to talk about it"
- "Don't worry about it."
- The Chick: Right down to being in a Love Triangle with The Hero and The Lancer.
- Determinator: Juliette Danielle is, at least. Knowing all the abuse, degradation, and humiliation she endured while making the film, it's truly amazing that she got through it at all.
- Disproportionate Retribution: She's cheating on Johnny because she thinks he's boring.
- Dumb Blonde: In a way. Most notably not caring about the fact that if she continues cheating, she's going to destroy Johnny, despite Stevens serious words to her.
- Informed Attractiveness: Lisa's actress isn't ugly, but she still does not quite live up to how beautiful all the men act like she is.
- Hello, Nurse!: Barely a scene goes by where someone doesn't comment on her attractiveness.
- Hot Girls Are Bitches: She's as pretty as she is reprehensible.
- It's All About Me: Case in point, after her fiancee commits suicide, her first action is to tell the guy she was cheating on him with (who also happened to be his best friend) that they can finally be together. Mark rightfully calls her out on this.
- Jerkass: Cheats on her loving fiancee with his best friend because she's bored with him, was implied to have just been using him for money in the first place, lies about him abusing her to justify it and tells his best friend that there is nothing between them after Johnny kills himself. At the end, Mark finally grows a spine and tells her off for it.
- Manipulative Bitch: Dear God, Lisa. Mark flat-out lampshaded this.
- Petthe Dog: Despite her nastiness, Lisa seems to genuinely care for Denny
- Satellite Love Interest: As the girlfriend, her scenes are limited to having sex and sitting on a pedestal. As the antagonist, she's the axis of the whole film.
- Smug Snake: Sure Lisa, be all secretive and paper thin with your lies and cheating. Johnny will never find out.
- Stupid Evil: She makes quite a few mistakes during the movie.
- The Unfair Sex: Inverted; everyone acts like the affair is her fault while downplaying Mark's role. Though she was the one throwing it in people's faces.
Played by Greg Sestero
Played by Philip Haldiman
- Ambiguous Disorder: His behavior is... incredibly bizarre for someone who is likely pushing his twenties. Even Tommy Wiseau has admitted the character makes more sense if you think of him as mildly retarded.
- Compressed Vice: His drug dealings with Chris-R are brought up once and then never again afterward.
- Man Child: To a degree. He keeps trying to go upstairs with Johnny and Lisa when he knows they're going to have sex, and presumably wants to join in, then follows them upstairs and jumps on the bed. He also talks about how he's "in love" with Lisa like a 7-year old, and fawns over her to a creepy effect.
- No Social Skills: "I just like to watch you guys."
- Phrase Catcher: "Oh hai, Denny!"
- Precision F-Strike: Against Claudette.
- Tagalong Kid: Denny doesn't have much importance to the plot.
Played by Carolyn Minnott
Played by Scott Holmes (credited as Mike Holmes in the film, due to Wiseau forgetting the actor's name)
Played by Robyn Paris
- Beta Couple: With Mike.
- Only Sane Woman: The most level-headed of the cast, along with Peter. She knows how destructive Lisa's infidelity is and tries to talk her out of it several times.
- Also the only character who doesn't say "don't worry about it" or "everything's going to be fine".
Played by Dan Janjigian
- Large Ham: According to The Disaster Artist, Dan gave what's considered the most passionate performance in the movie.
- No Indoor Voice: To be fair, he was outside when he was doing all his yelling. Though presumably being inside wouldn't have stopped him.
Played by Kyle Vogt
Played by Greg Ellery
- Remember the New Guy: An impossibly lazy example. With about 20 minutes left in the movie, a new character suddenly appears and becomes deeply involved in the plot. Presumably, we're not supposed to notice that he suddenly appeared from nowhere without an introduction. Word of God is that Steven is supposed to be a replacement for the psychologist character Peter (whose actor left the production), but the audience is given no hint of this; indeed, Steven looks nothing like Peter.
- Suspiciously Similar Substitute: Originally, Peter had Steven's role, but his actor quit during filming, leading to Steven's creation.
Flower Shop Lady
Claudette's brother (and Lisa's uncle), who wants her to give him a share of her house. Claudette is less than willing to do this.
Claudette's friend, who wants to buy a new house. Claudette asks Johnny to help her with a down payment, only for him to tell her it's an awkward situation. She expected him to be more generous. The only character in the entire movie to have a surname, yet she's entirely offscreen.