Played by Tommy Wiseau
Played by Juliette Danielle
Played by Greg Sestero
Played by Philip Haldiman
- Ambiguous Disorder: His behavior is... incredibly bizarre for someone who is likely pushing his twenties.
- Compressed Vice: His drug dealings with Chris-R are brought up once and then never again afterward.
- Four Temperament Ensemble: The Sanguine.
- Girlfriend in Canada: Possibly. We never do meet "Elizabeth" even when it would make sense for her to appear (the aftermath of the Chris-R incident, Johnny's party...)
- Kid Appeal Character
- Phrase Catcher: "Oh hai, Denny!"
- Man Child: To a degree. He keeps trying to go upstairs with Johnny and Lisa when he knows they're going to have sex, and presumably wants to join in, then follows them upstairs and jumps on the bed. He also talks about how he's "In Love" with Lisa like a 7-year old, and fawns over her to a creepy effect.
- No Social Skills
- Tagalong Kid
Played by Carolyn Minnott
- Evil Matriarch: Has bits of it.
- The Mentor: The closest thing this movie has to one. Naturally, she's very bad at it.
- Only Sane Woman: She may be an immoral, self-absorbed hypochondriac, but she's also the only character in this movie who seems even remotely aware of how absurd the plot is.
- What Happened to the Mouse?: Her breast cancer.
- "They have cures for everything."
Played by Mike Holmes
Played by Robyn Paris
Played by Dan Janjigian
Played by Kyle Vogt
Played by Greg Ellery
Flower Shop Lady