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Johnny

• Catchphrase: Oh hai, X.
  • His laugh is distinctive and frequent to the point where it almost counts. uhahah.
  • That's the idea!
  • Don't worry about that/it. Says this to things people would typically worry about, with variations.
• Driven to Suicide
• Dull Surprise: "I deed naght hit her! It's naght true! It's Bowlschit! I deed naght hit her! I deed NAAAGHT... Oh, hai Mark."
• Four Temperament Ensemble: The Melancholic.
• Gonk
• The Hero
• The Hyena
• Large Ham: Somehow manages to overlap this with Dull Surprise.
• Lip Lock: Has a bad case of it.
• Looks Like Cesare
• The Messiah
• Nice Guy: Lets see, he apparently buys Lisa a dozen red roses every time they make love, or at least often enough to be the flower shop lady's favorite customer, and would do anything for. He's paying for Denny's college and tuition without asking for anything in return. Is incredibly nice to all of his friends and seems to only want to make Lisa happy.
• Rapunzel Hair
• Too Good for This Sinful Earth
• Unstoppable Rage
• What The Hell Is That Accent: Especially funny since it's Tommy Wiseau's natural accent.
• You No Take Candle: Slips into this at times, most notably "Everybody betray me! I fed up with this world!"

Lisa

• Catchphrase: "I don't want to talk about it"
  • "Don't worry about it."
• The Chick: Right down to being in a Love Triangle with The Hero and The Lancer.
• Four Temperament Ensemble: The Choleric.
• Informed Attractiveness: Lisa's actress isn't ugly, but she still does not quite live up to how beautiful all the men act like she is.
  • Beauty Is Bad
  • Hello, Nurse!: Barely a scene goes by where someone doesn't comment on her attractiveness.
  • Hot Girls Are Bitches
• It's All About Me
• Jerkass
• Lady in Red: With her iconic red dress.
• Manipulative Bitch: Dear God, Lisa. Mark flat-out lampshaded this.
• Mean Character Nice Actor: Lisa is a self-serving, manipulative witch willing to screw others to get what she wants. Juliette Danielle, on the other hand, according to her Facebook, is a Kindhearted Cat Lover.
• The Unfair Sex: Inverted; everyone acts like the affair is her fault while downplaying Mark's role. Though she was the one throwing it in people's faces.
• Your Cheating Heart

Mark

• Beauty Is Bad
• Dull Surprise: His reaction every time Lisa invites him over "to talk" and then winds up trying to sleep with him.
• Four Temperament Ensemble: The Phlegmatic.
• I'm a Man, I Can't Help It: The presumed explanation for The Unfair Sex below.
• Important Haircut: Subverted. He shaves his beard and everyone makes a big deal out of it, but it doesn't signal a change in character.
• The Lancer: He's Johnny's best friend.
• Mr. Fanservice
• The Stoner
• The Unfair Sex: Inverted; everyone acts like the affair is Lisa's fault.

Denny

• Ambiguous Disorder: His behavior is... incredibly bizarre for someone who is likely pushing his twenties.
• Compressed Vice: His drug dealings with Chris-R are brought up once and then never again afterward.
• Four Temperament Ensemble: The Sanguine.
• Girlfriend in Canada: Possibly. We never do meet "Elizabeth" even when it would make sense for her to appear (the aftermath of the Chris-R incident, Johnny's party...)
• Kid Appeal Character
• Phrase Catcher: "Oh hai, Denny!"
• Man Child: To a degree. He keeps trying to go upstairs with Johnny and Lisa when he knows they're going to have sex, and presumably wants to join in, then follows them upstairs and jumps on the bed. He also talks about how he's "In Love" with Lisa like a 7-year old, and fawns over her to a creepy effect.
• No Social Skills
• Tagalong Kid

Claudette

• Evil Matriarch: Has bits of it.
• The Mentor: The closest thing this movie has to one. Naturally, she's very bad at it.
• Only Sane Woman: She may be an immoral, self-absorbed hypochondriac, but she's also the only character in this movie who seems even remotely aware of how absurd the plot is.
• What Happened to the Mouse?: Her breast cancer.
  • "They have cures for everything."

Mike

• Beta Couple: With Michelle.
• The Big Guy
• Fan Nickname: Me Underwears.
• Plucky Comic Relief

Michelle

• Beta Couple: With Mike.

Chris-R

• Chandler's Law
• Cluster F-Bomb
• The Aggressive Drug Dealer
  • Drug Dealer From Nowhere: Isn't really referenced until he shows up to try and get Denny to pay him. After that, he is never mentioned or referenced again.
• Gangsta Style: How he holds his gun.
• Hot Blooded
• Large Ham
• No Indoor Voice
• Sir Swearsalot
• Sleeves Are for Wimps

Peter

• Brainy Specs
• Busman's Holiday: Is still playing the Psychologist even when he's off-duty.
• Chuck Cunningham Syndrome: Mysteriously disappears midway through the movie, and is never mentioned again.
• Only Sane Man: Even in real life.
• The Smart Guy
• What Happened to the Mouse?: His actor quit mid-movie, so he disappears and Steven takes his place.

Steven

• Eleventh Hour Ranger
• Large Ham
• No Name Given: His name is not mentioned at any point in the film, except in the end credits.
• Remember the New Guy
• Suspiciously Similar Substitute: Originally, Peter had Steven's role, but his actor quit during filming, leading to Steven's creation.

Doggie

• Just for Fun
• Team Pet

Flower Shop Lady

• Ambiguously Lesbian
• Just for Fun