Why bother trying to be Closer to Earth? If your husband's a whack-job, you have no choice but to go along with it. Doing drugs and shoplifting are two of the best coping mechanisms you'll ever have!
Pull the trigger, check the pulse.
If you don't like your daughter, make her life a living hell. Keep in mind: your daughter is a woman, but she's the kind of woman you don't want to have sex with. (Unless you do.) Therefore, she's not really worth much as a person.
If your idiot husband decides to take a vow of chastity, don't bother talking it over with him. Just rape him.
Abstinence is bad because people will do stupid things because they don't understand it.
It's completely possible to have ear sex. You'll still be abstinent if you do it, too.
Religion is the only thing keeping mankind from progressing. By religion, we mean Christianity. After all, before Jesus, no other religions existed, and the other kinds apparently can't be made fun of.
It is perfectly okay to hold the town mayor at gunpoint because your cousin can't get married to his boyfriend. Under no circumstances should they just head a few states over to Vermont and get hitched there.note Seriously, it's about a three hour drive from Rhode Island. It's also okay when one of them is a possibly illegal immigrant who can't speak English, the one trying to marry him is a dog that doesn't speak his language, and their relationship is based entirely around sex. Which they can’t even verbally consent to.
Being racist is bad. Now here's a list of ethnic stereotypes and some jokes about them.
“Love Blactually”: You should fornicate with your girlfriend as soon as you hook up with her because if you don’t then she will leave you for another man.
"Herpe, the Love Sore":
Being in the army gives you a license to be an all-out asshole to a couple of people at a bar.
Also, you deserve absolutely No Sympathy for getting punked out by those assholes at said bar.
More like "only certain people deserve to be abused."
If you know someone (not named Meg Griffin) who is in an abusive relationship, give the victim an intervention.
If you happen to be a little chunky around the hips, then that's the sole and good enough reason to deny God's existence. If your family is abusive towards you, it's not their fault for treating you like shit, but God's fault for making you live among them!
Changing someone's sexuality is wrong, but changing it through artificial means is not.
If your father wants to marry you, and you know that he just wants your money, go right along with it for the sake of shallow father-son bonding.
"And I'm Joyce Kinney:" Getting revenge on a bully who pulled the most humiliating prank on you makes you a bitch. Bullying and hazing people by pulling their pants down and stuffing a hot-dog in their mouth and exposing them in front of a crowd of students in a gym is just a prank that should be Easily Forgiven.
Also, showing pornography in church if you are involved in said porn is good if you have fallen from the grace of the church and are trying to get the grace back.
Men are horny 24/7. If he ever denies a woman sex, he's gay or there's something seriously wrong with him. Therefore, raping them is the answer.
“ The Cleveland-Loretta-Quagmire”: In a marriage, wives are entitled to whatever they want from their husbands including passion. If husbands fail to show any amount of passion to their wives then these wife are completely justified in cheating on you with a sex addict and kicking you out of the house. In this case, the adultery of wives is always the husband’s fault.
The best way for doctors to use to announce to a patient that they have a terminal illness is to hire a barbershop quartet and have them announce the tragic news in song.
“Welcome Back, Carter”: If you catch someone like a relative cheating on their significant other and if that cheater has been a jerk to you in the past then it is okay to blackmail them and treat them like your slaves.
"Peter-assment": It's perfectly fine to sexually harass someone if you haven't had sex in a long time. And victims should give in for this reason, regardless if you have a significant other or not, because the poor baby is just so horny, it would be cruel to leave them hanging.
“Brian The Closer”: It is okay to neglect your pets and not get them medical attention if they have a mouth injury. It is also okay to assault your pets and hit them with things like lampposts if they misbehave.
“The Heartbreak Dog”: It is okay to hurt, bully, assault, steal from, shoot at, blackmail and humiliate other people if such people did something wrong to you like kiss your spouse and run off with them or said rude things to you.
"Brian's Play": You should limit your own potential and purposefully sabotage a huge opportunity for yourself (like your play being produced on Broadway for example) to spare the ego of your jealous friend who can't be happy for you. Because obviously they should be more important to you than all the amazing things that could arise for you from your accomplishment.
“Scammed Yankees”: If someone scams you, especially if that scammer is from Nigeria, then you should let these scammers keep your money because they can use it to help their community and impoverished society. If you try to get the money that you were cheated out of back from those who scammed you then you are a heartless monster.
Ugly women deserve to be bullied.
Don't bother trying to make friends with people at your school, because it would only end with you getting bullied & shunned.
"The D In Apartment 23":
Tweeting one offensive joke on social media makes you worse than a mass murderer, and you deserve to be hated and shunned by everyone in town, including your own family.
Being shunned in a lunchroom and having your hat knocked off your head is justification for brutally beating/killing your classmates.
Don't bother apologizing for your tweet because everyone will be offended by what you say anyway.
If someone posts a racist tweet, give them hell for it, no matter how apologetic he is about it. If you're completely hateful and toxic to the person apologizing (which in that case proves their point about how people on the internet take things out of proportion), then you're completely justified. Also, the best way to disprove yourself as a racist is to say you watch Black porn and have kissed a transsexual.
A racist douche being called out for being a racist douche is a bad thing, apparently. Namely, it's quite alright to spout it in your daily life from time to time, but never post it online, or else.
Standing up to crowd of people who are bullying you over a mistake you made is morally wrong even when said people are total jerks to you and refuse to let you apologize to them for offending them no matter what. If you do stand up to said people the. You deserve to be beaten up, shunned and rejected by your own family, and kicked out of their residence for it.
"Crimes and Meg's Demeanor": Busting someone for stealing food from the school cafeteria to save the town money is heroic enough for your family to welcome you back home, even though they still won't get over your racist tweet.
"Don't Make Me Over:" You'll eventually want to go back to looking the way you did before your makeover, even though your old looks is the reason you're regularly picked on to the point you come home crying everyday from school.
Over time, your heroic paraplegic friend will become little more than the butt of handicap jokes.
"Undergrounded":
Your wife has every right to ground you for using a secret credit card without her knowledge, although you're a grown man who can make your own decisions.
Husbands should not stand up to their wives.
According to Peter, husbands are not really adults, they are people who pay for things yet are still burdens.
"Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air": Don't let a friend or significant other be cured of a disability if it might result in them changing in ways you wouldn't like. What you get out of the relationship is way more important than their quality of life.
Z + 4 + Q + Q + Q + the Batman symbol = Alex Karras in Webster.
It's perfectly alright to hate someone for abandoning their child (even though that's actually not what happened), only dating women for their bodies, lusting after their best friend's wife, being a self-righteous dick, insulting people who like religion and being a bore while you've fathered and abandoned countless children all over the world, are a convicted sex offender guilty of multiple rapes of both adult women and underage girls, lust after that same best friend's wife yourself, brag about working at a soup kitchen when you're probably really only there to pick up homeless women, and are in short a world-class hypocrite. And if the guy you hates had sex with your transgender father, it's perfectly alright to beat him half to death even though your father both consented to and enjoyed the experience, even when there are countless people who'd be far more justified beating you half to death for the countless sexual assaults you've committed.
If it's called the "poop deck", don't be surprised if somebody poops there.
If you poop in your dreams, you poop for real.
Golf was invented so husbands can cheat on their wives.
Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank.
“The Munchurian Candidate”: It is perfectly fine to beat up people, force feed them dry quiches, and shoot them with crossbows whenever they insult your property and living area, even if such property is a treehouse.
A good-looking depressed guy smoking a cigarette is not a movie.
French sirens sound like gay guys having a threesome.
