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Warp That Aesop / Family Guy

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  • Cocking your head to and fro while making nonsense sounds before, during and after sex is a surefire method of contraception and STD prevention.
    • When did they say that? Quagmire is implied to have diseases and have gotten girls pregnant.
  • Why bother trying to be Closer to Earth? If your husband's a whack-job, you have no choice but to go along with it. Doing drugs and shoplifting are two of the best coping mechanisms you'll ever have!
  • Pull the trigger, check the pulse.
  • If you don't like your daughter, make her life a living hell. Keep in mind: your daughter is a woman, but she's the kind of woman you don't want to have sex with. (Unless you do.) Therefore, she's not really worth much as a person.
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  • Showboating after scoring a touchdown will get you transferred to a weaker team.
  • Dumb Is Good and FUN!
  • If your idiot husband decides to take a vow of chastity, don't bother talking it over with him. Just rape him. Also, abstinence is bad because people will do stupid things because they don't understand it.
  • Religion is the only thing keeping mankind from progressing. By religion, we mean Christianity. After all, before Jesus, no other religions existed, and the other kinds apparently can't be made fun of.
  • Remember folks, only douchebags who can't accept others beliefs don't believe in god, and if you do believe in god, then you're just a bible thumping idiot!
  • Feel free to hand out weed by the truckload in public. As long as you have a catchy tune, you'll get off scot-free. Heck, you might even get it legalized.
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  • It is perfectly okay to hold the town mayor at gunpoint because your cousin can't get married to his boyfriend. Under no circumstances should they just head a few states over to Vermont and get hitched there. It's also okay when one of them is a possibly illegal immigrant who can't speak English, the one trying to marry him is a dog that doesn't speak his language, and their relationship is based entirely around sex.
  • Rape is hilarious!
  • Bullying and child abuse is hilarious!!
  • "Call Girl": If your husband is falling in love with you via sex line, that means he's cheating on you, and you have the right to be a bitch to him.
  • Once an Only Sane Woman, always an Only Sane Woman, even if said Only Sane Woman has become a cold-hearted hypocrite.
  • "Herpe, the Love Sore":
    • Being in the army gives you a license to be an all-out asshole to a couple of people at a bar.
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    • You can knowingly spread lifelong STD's as long as you don't deny having the disease when your sexual partner wants to confirm that it came from you.
  • Domestic Abuse is horrible, and you shouldn't endure it. Unless you're Meg Griffin, then you must endure it so your fucked-up family won't turn on each other.
    • More like "only certain people deserve to be abused."
    • If you know someone (not named Meg Griffin) who is in an abusive relationship, give the victim an intervention, but never try to talk the abuser out of it. The only reasonable solution is murder.
  • If you happen to be a little chunky around the hips, then that's the sole and good enough reason to deny God's existence. If your family is abusive towards you, it's not their fault for treating you like shit, but God's fault for making you live among them!
  • Changing someone's sexuality is wrong, but changing it through artificial means is not.
  • Showing that you're supportive of gay rights is best shown through un-subtly putting in as many offensive stereotypes and jokes as possible!
  • If your father wants to marry you, and you know that he just wants your money, go right along with it for the sake of shallow father-son bonding.
  • "And I'm Joyce Kinney:" Getting revenge on a bully who pulled the most humiliating prank on you makes you a bitch. Bullying and hazing people by pulling their pants down and stuffing a hot-dog in their mouth and exposing them in front of a crowd of students in a gym is just a prank that should be Easily Forgiven.
  • Men are horny 24/7. If he ever denies a woman sex, he's gay or there's something seriously wrong with him. Therefore, raping them is the answer.
  • "Peter-assment": Hey, folks! It's perfectly fine to sexually harass someone if you haven't had sex in a long time. And victims! You should give in for this reason, regardless if you have a significant other or not, because the poor baby is just so horny, it would be cruel to leave them hanging.
  • Ugly women deserve to be bullied.
  • Don't bother trying to make friends with people at your school, because it would only end with you getting bullied & shunned.
  • "The D In Apartment 23":
    • Tweeting one offensive joke on social media makes you worse than mass murderer, and you deserve to be hated and shunned by everyone in town, including your own family.
    • Your aforementioned family deserves to be shunned as well because they were associated with you.
    • Don't bother apologizing for your tweet because everyone will be offended by what you say anyway.
    • If someone posts a racist tweet, give them hell for it, no matter how apologetic he is about it. If you're completely hateful and toxic to the person apologizing (which in that case proves their point about how people on the internet take things out of proportion), then you're completely justified.
    • In Peter's case, it's okay to do irresponsible and heinous deeds to others as long as you don't post a racist tweet.
    • Meta example: If you spout explicit racism on the Internet, you're a persecuted hero who can do no wrong. If you face actual consequences for your bigotry, it's everyone else's fault for being oversensitive and blowing things out of proportion! It's not like racism is a huge problem that people genuinely face on a daily basis, no, not at all!
    • A racist douche being called out on being a racist douche is a bad thing, apparently.
  • "Crimes and Meg's Demeanor": Busting someone for stealing food from the school cafeteria to save the town money is heroic enough for your family to welcome you back home, even though they still won't get over your racist tweet.
  • "I am Peter, Hear Me Roar:"
    • Any attempt to reform misogynistic men will only end up in them not knowing their gender roles in a marriage.
    • The only way a woman can ever be satisfied in her marriage is if her husband is a misogynist who has little to no respect for women.
  • "Don't Make Me Over:" You'll eventually want to go back to looking the way you did before your makeover, even though your old looks is the reason you're regularly picked on to the point you come home crying everyday from school.
  • Over time, your heroic paraplegic friend will become little more than the butt of handicap jokes.
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