Funny / The Darkness

As a Moments subpage, all spoilers are unmarked as per policy. You Have Been Warned.

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The Darkness Video Game

• "I fixed your broken head ball."
• After the nightmarish scene of Jackie being tortured with an electric drill by Shrote, seeing the drill break down and Shrote throwing a temper tantrum can be darkly hilarious. The muffled yell of "Chinese piece of shit!" sells it.
• In the first game, there is a sidequest in which a busker is being extorted for an unbelievable cut of his pay in order to keep working in the subway, and he entreats Jackie to help him. When Jackie confronts the man and tells him to back off, the man defiantly asks Jackie what'll happen if he doesn't yield to Jackie's demands:
  Jackie: Well, if you don't, I got a magic trick for ya: I see you around here again, dipshit, I'll put my arm down your throat and pull a rabbit out your fuckin' ass.
• Johnny Powell can be a good source of these moments, especially when he's explaining the relics you've collected.
  (While talking about the Key of Mictlan) Part of me believes that the Darkness is inside all of us. Just a small bit of essence. It's a part of us. Maybe the Darkness came from us; maybe it's an extension of who we are, I don't know. But I do know that if any of those crazy ideas are even partly true, then the Darkness isn't going anywhere, no matter what we do.
  Hmmm... I wonder what's on TV tonight...
  • His description of the Lantern of Saint Anthony, claiming that it never worked properly because it was powered by the souls of children, "and children are fickle little bitches." For good measure, he notes just how many hapless travelers died because Saint Anthony thought that the lantern could guide them home, and because the Angelus thought that the imprisoned souls of murdered children would make a nifty weapon. "Yay!"
  • His notes on The Fool’s Phylactery basically amount to Humans Are Morons.
  • Trying and failing not to obsess over the fact that the Reliquary of the Blessed Blood has a foreskin in it, originally believed to be that of Christ himself, but actually belonging to some random guy.
  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go scrub my brain with bleach and steel wool.
  • Noting that one infamous Darkness Host from the time of Moses was referred to as "a Dark Man who spoke with authority," and adding, "You know, like James Earl Jones." Also his calling the Dark Man "Mr. Tall, Dark, and Stretchy" due to the statue's long neck.
  • When Jackie brings him a thumbscrew, he’s unable to discern any information about it despite it radiating dark essence. When Jackie demands info regardless, he starts making crap up off the top of his head until Jackie catches on.
  Yes, I am being sarcastic. No, I don’t want you to kill me. Ok, I’ll shut up now.
  • Comparing the Darkness's wrath to the Red Sox in his commentary on Siddhartha's Tears.
  • Calling the Crescent of the Sun the “biggest letdown of the last millennium, if you don’t count Rocky V”.
• Dolfo's counterpart in the Asylum, "Adolf," is good for a laugh. When Jackie first tries to escape the Asylum, he can be heard shouting, "Head for ze bunker! Tell Eva I will be late!"
  • There's also this:
  Adolf: We shall fight on the beaches! We shall fight on the landing grounds! We shall fight in the fields and in the streets... Oh wait! That was Churchill! Damnit!
  • And it happens yet again when Jackie has to ask him for help in finding weapons.
  Jackie: I need some kind of weapon- don't matter what it is.
  Adolf: Yes, yes, I have Panzer divisions, Messerschmits, battleships...
  Jackie: No, Dolfo, I need something right here, right now- like a knife or a stick.
  Adolf: Hmmm. We must start ze planning at once... get into ze janitor's closet. You will find what you need in zere. Advance in pincer formation until you get to Paris, unt don't speak to ze Bolsheviks! When you are done, I will help you again. For ze Fatherland! Czechoslovakia as a nation has ceased to exist!
  Edward: Hey, calm down or you're going back to your room.
  Adolf: Stalinist.
• During the restaurant attack at the beginning, a woman is heard complaining of her ravioli being too spicy shortly before the attack. After the attack, "I said the ravioli was too spicy" are her last words before dying. In the Asylum, this throwaway line gets an entire poster in Jackie's room, portraying it as a musical comedy.
• In the Asylum, several Darkness comic books are next to Jackie's bed.
• After the Brotherhood's attack on the penthouse, you can find Butcher Joyce forcing parts of various corpses down the toilet.

The Darkness Comic

• When Sontaine warns Jackie not to have sex, or else he'll die and the Darkness will pass on to his son, the latter doesn't make a big deal out of it.
  Jackie: I'm already careful. All I've got to do now is be a little more careful.
  Sontaine: And you know a form of contraception that is... one hundred percent... effective?
  (Jackie's eyes widen as he realizes, no, there isn't.)
  Jackie: Noooooooo!! No. No. No. This can't be happening to meeee...!
  Sontaine: For God's sake, Estacado, try and calm down!
  Jackie: Calm down? Don't you realize what this means? I can't have sex or I'll die! Me! Jackie Estacado! I can't have sex!
  Sontaine: You are the champion of the Darkness, Estacado. You're going to find there's a lot more to life than fornication.
  Jackie: Oh yeah? Maybe on your home planet, but—
  Sontaine: Oh, get a grip on yourself!
  Jackie: Yes! I can see a lot of that in my future! Oh please— let it be a dream!
• In the comics, whenever Jackie receives a Groin Attack
  Jackie (staggering away from the Magdalena): Come on boys, it's gonna be okay...nngh...just shake it off
• From The Darkness /Pitt crossover has Jackie babysitting a young boy named Tim (Morality Pet and Person of Mass Destruction) and they watch The Godfather together... and Jackie gives him pointers on how he would have carried out the hit.
  • From that same arc: "Jackie Estacado's Big List of Things That Suck:"
  Number One: those plastic strips on the inside of CD covers. I hate those fucking things. I mean are you selling me a Sinatra album or am I trying to break into Fort Friggin Knox, am I right?
  Number Two: Mean people
  Number Three: Those who are disrespectful to me and my family.
  Number Four: Broccoli
  Number Five: Circus midgets
  Number Six: God
  Number Seven: French People and Belgians, not necessarily in that order.
  And this, *surrounded by alien zombies* this sucks.