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Funny / Razor's Edge

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From Razor's Edge:

  • Shepard's epic Lampshade Hanging of Miranda's outfit:
    Shepard: "We're about to go to investigate a colony that's gone dark, at night, with no idea what we're going to encounter. And you're wearing the same... well-fitted uniform and a side arm?"
    Miranda: "Yes, is there a problem with that?"
    Shepard "Yeah, we call it armor and helmets, keeps people alive a great deal longer when the shooting starts. Or did you think I put this on just because I wanted to look like something out of one of Joker's action vid fantasies?"
    Joker: "Hey!"
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  • Kasumi and Joker's reactions to having Urz aboard.
    Joker: "FISH DOG!! Frog... fish, thing! What the hell?"
  • Garrus has a bet going with Chakwas, Joker, and the entire ground team (except Samara, Legion, and Kasumi), on when Tali and Shepard will finally get together publicly.
    Tali: "I swear by the ancestors that I'm going to hack their comm system so it only plays Volus opera after this."
    Shepard: "Whose?"
    Tali: "Everyone."

From Razor's Edge: Dark Witness:

  • The two Spit Takes that Shepard has courtesy of Garrus and Hannah Shepard.
    • The first one occurs when Garrus tells Shepard that his mother is on the Citadel, and he makes sure to tell Shepard when he's drinking water.
    • When Hannah and John are talking, she tells him that the assassination attempt they survived together means that she can skip the awkward questions about their level of commitment and jump straight to awkward questions about their sex life.
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  • Hannah Shepard debates whether to give John a chance to explain why he hasn't contacted her before she throttles him, or just move straight to the throttling.
  • The many Moment Killers that interrupt Shepard and Tali when they're trying to get laid on the Normandy. The chapter is aptly called "Interruptions."

From Razor's Edge: Requiem:

  • Kelly provides a wonderful That Came Out Wrong:
    Kelly: "Oh! I almost forgot, I'm so tired. Silly me. I have your babies!"
    Shepard: "You have my what?"
    Kelly: "The fish! And Urz. What did you think I meant?"
  • A good deal of the banter between Kasumi and Garrus is hilarious. One of the highlights is on Tuchanka after the events at the Hollow.
    Kasumi: "You look entirely too satisfied with yourself."
    Garrus: "Not every day I get to act it up like some over muscled vid-star, Kasumi. Let me bask in it for a minute. Where were you anyways? Didn't feel like joining the universe's most bizarre krogan krantt?"
    Kasumi: "You know better than that. The spotlight isn't for me. Best, not most famous, remember?"
    Garrus: "But it would have been fun! You could have sat on the steps and wrapped your arm around my leg, looking up at me, just like the covers of those ancient fantasy vids Joker always insists are classics!" "Though remembering those you would have needed to have been wearing a lot less clothing..."
    Kasumi: "Garrus?"
    Garrus: "Hm?"
    Kasumi: "You do know I'm capable of hacking your armor's environmental controls?"
    Garrus: "So... that's a no on the gauze and metal bikini?"
    • Yet another moment between Garrus and Kasumi
    Garrus: "Daydreaming on us, Sneaky?"
    Kasumi: "Sneaky?"
    Garrus: "Vega has taken to calling me 'Scars'. Figure I'd try my hand at this nickname thing too."
    Kasumi: "Hmm... but 'Sneaky'? Really? I expected more out of you, Garrus."
    Shepard: "She's got a point there."
    Garrus: "You started this in the first place. At least 'Scars' sounds appropriately manly."
    Kasumi: "What, 'Gare' isn't manly? How about 'Garry'? Just imagine the look on people's faces when you're introduced as 'Garry the turian'."
    Garrus: "You're enjoying this far too much."
    Kasumi: "No, enjoying it far too much would be mentioning a message from Dr. Michel on the Citadel calling you... what was it?"
    Kasumi: "Oh yes, I think it was 'Garebear'."
    Vega: "Whoa... did I just hear what I think I heard?"
  • During the Tuchanka Arc, Shepard receives a message from Mordin detailing his treatment of the Krogan females. Mordin, being Crazy-Prepared, has password locked the message with the use of Something Only They Would Say. What code phrase does Mordin use? "Do not ingest."
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  • Tali gets Garrus to talk about his budding relationship with Kasumi by threatening to flood his omni-tool with Elcor porn and Krogan opera if he doesn't. Garrus even notes that she's using his C-Sec interrogation tactics on him.
  • When the Rachni show up on the Citadel (after having saved it, for that matter) the populace reacts... poorly. One woman tries to climb a Turian C-Sec officer "Like a very stoic tree" while a Volus topples over and is unable to right itself.
  • EDI and Shepard having The Talk while one of the Rachni warriors is nearby.
    Shepard: "I'm not a great person to be asking for love advice, EDI."
    EDI: "The concept of romance and sexuality is mostly restricted to organics. There are only two sapient organics in this elevator."
    The rachni next to him shifted and seemed to be doing its best to look innocent. As innocent as a massive bug-like alien could.
    Rachni: We do not think it wise to offer mating advice to the cold-singer
  • While discussing the hunt for Levithan, Shepard chimes in that Cerberus agents are now also interested in their quarry.
    Kasumi: "Great. I'm sure they just want to find it to hug it and kiss it and call it George,"
    Numerous confused glances, alien and human, turned in the thief's direction but she merely rolled her eyes.
    Kasumi: "Nevermind. I'm not explaining cartoons to an evolved velociraptor, two giant bugs, and the rest of you."
  • Javik's reaction to the husk head in Bryson's lab:
    Javik: "I have seen worlds burn and millions die, but I still find myself mildly disturbed."
  • The assault on Omega consists of Aria T'loak, Miranda, Jack, Zaeed... and Carmichael, an Unlucky Everydude who just happened to be the pilot of the shuttle that brought said team to Omega. The guy tries, but he just can't keep up with the rest of the ultra-badasses in his group. He can only lament his bad luck after they are saved from Adjutants by Nyreen's Talons.
    Miranda: Problem, soldier?
    Carmichael: "No ma'am, no problem at all. I just crashed here, ran through a busted, foul smelling space station and almost got my guts ripped out by some kind of Reaper zombie monster. Now I'm surrounded by half a dozen women that are all capable of killing me without effort. I'm just fucking fine."
    Jack: "Sarcasm, that's how real men cope! You're alright kid. Just remember that last part and you'll go far."
  • Right before that, we have Nyreen saving Aria and manages to insult one of her own Talons in the process.
    Nyreen: "Aria T'loak… Omega's self-appointed queen returns. "Not quite the triumphant welcome you were expecting? Being saved by my pair of wannabe Archangels?"
    Above them, one of the two snipers made a rude gesture as he was collapsing the bi-pod on his rifle.
  • From one of the Rachni brood warriors:
    May your mating songs be fruitful, Sings-Of-Endings!
  • After Shepard walks in on Garrus and Kasumi he congratulates them on getting together then leaves, but not before sending Garrus some "information."
    Before he could answer, and make the obvious observation that Shepard very rarely said 'nothing', his own omni-tool made a soft bleat, informing him that he'd received an extranet message. He tapped his inbox with one talon to find a message from Shepard that simply said 'you'll be needing this'. Then he looked at the attachment.
    Scales and Skin: Human-Turian Relations, Allergic Reactions, and the Dangers of Chafing by Dr. Mordin Solus
    Garrus: "Shepard!"