As a Moments subpage, all spoilers are unmarked as per policy. You Have Been Warned.
- During the mission "Where Did All The Flower Children Go?", you have the option to turn down the sound effects and music and listen to what the feminist hippie chick (who is your first body-snatch disguise) has to say to her fellow hippies on the revolution.Female Hippie: Marches for peace, marches for choice, marches on the Dean's office, marches on the Capitol, marches, marches, marches! I'm sick of fighting! It's so 1964!
White Male Hippie: I thought non-violent protests was the essence of the counterculture!
Female Hippie: That's the problem! You think corporate America loses sleep over a few thousand people clogging up the road for a couple of hours to sing "If I Had A Hammer"! Hell, the shoe companies could probably give us free poster board!
White Male Hippie: I think you're being a little dismissive.
Female Hippie: Dismissive? Marching takes no commitment whatsoever! Any idiot could march! Now getting arrested, that's a sacrifice!
African-American Hippie: Gettin' arrested? Now what does that accomplish?
Female Hippie: Clog up the system, man. Throw a wrench at the bureaucratic machine! Then they can't ignore us!
White Male Hippie: I don't know, man. A police record? That doesn't look too good of a job application...
Female Hippie: Oh, give me a break...
White Male Hippie: I'm serious.
Female Hippie: No, Nelson Mandela is serious, YOU'RE a dilettante! Look, you think the weathermen care if they get arrested? YOU think Eldridge Cleaver sits around worrying about doing time?
White Male Hippie: Eldridge Cleaver is doing time!
Female Hippie: Exactly!
White Male Hippie: I don't know what you're so angry about!
Female Hippie: I'll tell you what I'm so angry about; even in the counterculture, it's the same old song and dance, the men just wanna get high and laid, and the women end up having to CARRY YOUR ASSES! I have to chant twice as loud and twice as committed to the cult just to get the man to notice me, and then some stoner like you swoops in front of the TV cameras and then takes all the credit!
White Male Hippie: This is about Abbie Hoffmann dumping you, isn't it?- When talking to The Freak, you can ask for guidance on dating women. If you body-snatched a female hippie and talk to him, when The Freak calls Crypto mama, he gets surprised before remembering something.Crypto: What? Oh crap - I forgot I'm a chick...
- When talking to The Freak, you can ask for guidance on dating women. If you body-snatched a female hippie and talk to him, when The Freak calls Crypto mama, he gets surprised before remembering something.
- Before accepting the mission "They Shoot Hippies, Don't They?", if you choose to recap the goal, this conversation occurs.Crypto: Alright, hit me again with the part about Bongwater's blimps.
The Freak: What?
Crypto: Bongwater. He has blimps full of Revelade.
The Freak: He does? Far out!
Crypto: No, you're the one who said so! You just said he's going to cover Bay City in Revelade gas!
The Freak: Whoa...really? I said that?
Crypto: Focus, Freak! Does he or doesn't he?
The Freak: Does who what?
Crypto: Does Bongwater have Revelade blimps preparing to attack Bay City?!
The Freak: BONGWATER HAS REVELADE BLIMPS PREPARING TO ATTACK BAY CITY?!?
Crypto: ...see, kids? This is why you shouldn't do drugs.- The remake makes it even more humorous by having Crypto do an exasperated Aside Glance during the last part.
- During "The Alien Who Probed Me", as Crypto searches for hippie leader Coyote Bongwater, he meets Bongwater's girlfriend Prudence Kane at the park with other hippies. You have the option of triggering this exchange, even though it doesn't advance the game:Crypto: Okay, simians, here's the deal: you give me Coyote Bongwater, or I toast me up some hippie s'mores! Capiche?
Prudence: Whoa! We got a narc over here! (to Crypto) Hey, narc, why don't you just go back to Narc Central and narc around with the other narcs, you narc?
Crypto: Ouch, that stings!
Prudence: Just the sort of response I'd expect — from a narc!- You get the option to instigate the fight:Crypto: Alright, that's it - HEY LOSERS! PUT THIS IN YOUR BONG AND SMOKE IT!
Prudence: You carry a big gun, narc?
Crypto: As a matter of fact, I do.
Prudence: Ego transference! Feelings of sexual inadequacy! Ssssssss, ssssssss!
Crypto: Sexual—? Are you high? I'm a FREAKING SUPERNOVA! Papa's got a brand new bag!
Prudence: See that? Now he's trying to sexually intimidate me. Well, you can take your patriarchal power structure and shove it up your ass! What do we want? LIBERATION FROM THE OPPRESSIVE, PATRIARCHAL POWER STRUCTURE! When do we want it? NOW!
Crypto: Cough up Coyote Bongwater, or I start baking brain brownies!
Prudence: Threats won't get you any closer to the Revelade, pig, or to Coyote Bongwater!- Furthermore, to top it all off, you even get to insult Bongwater multiple times to her:Crypto: You gotta be kidding me. That patchouli-reeking nut bag? He makes the rest of you hippies look lucid.
Prudence: OK, I'll give you the patchouli, but our beloved leader is not a not a nutbag. He is a cosmic visionary! A love child of the revolution! Wise in the way of political, spiritual and sexual healing!
Crypto: He's a stinking monkey with delusions of grandeur. Or a crook, or both.
Prudence: He is not, he is a great man.
- Furthermore, to top it all off, you even get to insult Bongwater multiple times to her:
- After asking about the Revelade, Crypto can badmouth it by asking if it causes "limp linguini". He's flabbergasted to realize none of the hippies have experienced erectile dysfunction.
- You get the option to instigate the fight:
- One of the Cult of Arkvoodle side missions must be carried out while your disciple Shama Lamma is advertising your cult on a radio station. If you screw up, he will chew out Crypto.Shama Llama: And lastly, I'd like to thank Cryptosporidium, for being a FRICKING IDIOT!''
- The mission "I Left My Parts In San Fran... Err, Bay City" has several moments, starting with Crypto making a communicator array... Using junk parts found in Bay City. As he's building said communicator array, we get this.Crypto: The sensor cell connects to the focal plane; the focal plane connects to the plasma beam... I know you're waiting for me to sing the damn song. Well I ain't doing it. I got standards; they may not be high but I got them. ...Also, we couldn't get the rights.
- In Reprobed, when Crypto makes the remark about not getting the rights, he takes a side glance before saying it, as if he was speaking to the player about it.
- Then there's Pox's call with Space Traffic Control while you're defending Coit Tower. The moment the guy in STC says he never heard of Pox, he goes into a long rant about all of his achievements. Leading to this in the Reprobed version of the mission.
Space Traffic Control: What's your license number?
Holopox: My what?
Space Traffic Control: Your license number. All pliots cleared to fly outside the Furon System are issued an official flight license by Space Traffic Control.
Holopox: Er... I think it's expired.
Space Traffic Control: Expired...
Holopox: Well I've been out of the system!- The post call ranting between Pox and Crypto (That sadly didn't make it into Reprobed) also starts out in a humorous way.
- During "Takoshima Story", you con a KGB agent in disguise to give you the package Natalya needs, which leads to this conversation once you've left the area:Agent #1: I'm in position and waiting for package.
Agent #2: I just gave you package not thirty seconds ago! Are you drinking on job again!?
Agent #1: Did you remember to put tracking device on package?
Agent #2: Did Stalin have anger management issues?- The KGB's method of looking for said package involves shooting at everyone in the vicinity.
- In the mission briefing for the Kojira mission:Pox: I'm picking up a signal in the ocean to the south.
Crypto: Yeah? What kind of signal?
Pox: A radiation signature, emanating in gamma waves from the creature's tortured brain.
Crypto: Tortured?
Pox: Yes. It's as if the monster is crying out, "Kill me! Kill me!"
Crypto: That's gotta be the most pathetic thing I ever heard. So, you want me to hunt down this monstrosity and put it out of its misery?
Pox: Actually, I want you to read its mind and enter it the source of its cognitive distress, so we can get it some help and over time teach it confidence and self-esteem.
Crypto: ...you've got to be kidding me.
Pox: OF COURSE I AM, YOU MUTATION! NOW GO KILL THAT THING! - After figuring out the alien monsters are Blisk, Crypto and Pox have a conversation on what to do... of course, Crypto can ask a Non Sequitur beforehand.Crypto: You know of a place where we can get one o' those fancy furry hats? My ears are freezing off!
Pox: You don't have ears.
Crypto: See? That's what I'm saying! - The whole exchange Crypto has with a trapped Natalya during "The Good, the Bad, and the Furon" is pretty funny itself, but the part where Crypto replies to Natalya after she tells him Sergei has been infected with Blisk spores tops the cake.Crypto: Aw, for cryin' out... Tell me you used protection! Or don't they teach sex-ed in the Young Pioneers?
Natalya: Kakaya zadnitza, I'm not talking about STDs! He's has been infected with alien spores!- When Milenkov comes along, Crypto shows him the destroyed state of the Blisk Warship. Milenkov responds by doing a short Take That! at him.Milenkov: Such bluster, such arrogance. You're beginning to sound like real American. Soon you'll be wearing cowboy hat and speaking in monosyllables!
Crypto: Says you.
- When Milenkov comes along, Crypto shows him the destroyed state of the Blisk Warship. Milenkov responds by doing a short Take That! at him.
- During "Russian Roulette", Crypto bodysnatches a Cosmonaut leader to influence the Russians into rebelling against the Blisk aliens. After struggling to convince the cosmonauts using perfectly logical explanations for why the Blisk can't be trusted, and at the end of his rope (there is no other option available but "say the first thing that comes to mind") he comes up with the perfect excuse for why the monsters should be killed:...THEY'RE TAKING AWAY YOUR VODKA!!
- It continues in this vein once the Russians are convinced:Cosmonaut 1: This is being outrage! Everything else can be enduring if we're having enough vodka!
Cosmonaut 2: Da! Without vodka, Russia would have been democracy 200 years ago! - Worth noting that up until choosing to just say whatever came to mind, nothing Crypto had said worked, including pointing out an obvious flaw about working with them.Cosmonaut: Comrade Leonid, what evidence are you having to be mistrusting Bliskeviks?
Crypto: They're giant freakin' lobsters! From outer freaking space!
Cosmonaut 2: We are seeing long term effects of moon craziness. Poor Leonid...
- It continues in this vein once the Russians are convinced:
- During The Reveal in 2, there's this exchange...Milenkov: Suggesting? I'm telling you! Lenin! Stalin!
Crypto: Trotsky?
Milenkov: Please. Don't be ridiculous. - Later, you have to make sure the Moon Landing actually happens. Only it's not a moon landing, it's a package drop-off that just looks like a moon landing. And the astronauts really don't like each other, meaning one of the most poignant moments in human history goes... differently.Carl Armstrong: That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.
(Beat)
Biff Aldrin: ...That's it?
Carl: What?
Biff: "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind"? Seven months and that's the best you can come up with?
Carl: You didn't like it?
Biff: No, I didn't like it! It's crap! Where'd you find it, on a cereal box?
Carl: I thought it sounded profound.
Biff: PROFOUND? You wouldn't know "profound" if it hit you over the head with a Camus novel. You're so stupid you think Merv Griffin's a deep thinker.
Carl: Listen mister, I'm getting tired of your lip.
Biff: Oh yeah, Commander Bigshot? And what're you gonna do about it?!
Carl: Pull the plug on this mission, that's what! (speaks into radio) I'm sorry, NASA, but I cannot work with this jackass any more. (points angrily at the lander) Get in the car. Get in the car!
(they turn and leave)
Carl: Moron.
Biff: Putz.- Also, before that, while Crypto is fighting the attacking Soviet moon-forces, the astronauts are so busy bickering they don't notice they're under attack.
- In the final boss battle of the game, Pox discovers that Milenkov's Blisk form has armour that recharges his health. However, he also discovers that once the armor is taken out, Milenkov becomes... naked.Pox: (worried tone) Brace yourself for the horror...
- If the military gets alerted in Takoshima, you might get this line from the dispatch:"We need army! Do we still have one?!"
- A lot of the lines from the military upon seeing Crypto's flying saucer qualify.Bay City dispatch: Look, up in the sky! It's some sort of... levitating... platter-like thingy!
Albion dispatch: Doubleplus ungood! Doubleplus ungood!
Tunguska dispatch: Holy crapski! - After discovering the Blisk in 2, Pox remarks that Crypto's weapons might not be effective because the Furon Empire's defense budget was slashed after the Martian War. Yes, apparently even an Empire of Scary Dogmatic Alien Greys isn't immune to this debate.Pox: The war was over! We didn't need the big guns!
Crypto: So what did we spend our money on?
Pox: (completely unenthused) Poverty, education, health care...TRIVIA, UTTER TRIVIA! OH, CURSE OUR GODS-DAMNED COMPLACENCY! - Early on in 2, Crypto points out the Fridge Logic of how he can be running around shooting stuff while supposedly being the president.Pox: Well, you never were one for putting in long hours at the Oval Office, so I installed a simple device to keep the humans distracted.
Crypto: Really? What does it do?
Pox: Oh, it smiles and waves, and occasionally launches into speeches about "free will" and other such nonsense...
Crypto: Guess the monkeys never noticed, huh?
Pox: ...Actually your approval rating tripled since I made the switch.
(awkward silence) - At the start of “The Abominable Yeti”, Crypto takes a second to lampshade what a bad idea this is.Crypto: Okay, I’m off to hunt a mysterious and deadly creature in the deep, dark woods…on the word of an old man with a bum leg and questionable hygiene. Did I miss anything?
- Before the final encounter, Milenkov allows Crypto to grill him on the different aspects of the Blisk's involvement with Earth. However, he refuses to get into the details about his FIENDISH MASTER PLAN! Not until Crypto plays along and explicitly asks about it to let him monologue.
- In Takoshima, there are two clans of ninja; the constantly aggressive black ninja, and the extremely goofy white ninja, who Crypto must make allies with. He eventually asks them what their beef is. Seems a long time ago there was a sensei who wore grey...Crypto: I've seen the movie. Master dies, his two star pupils split, one turns to good, the other evil. Eventually they oppose each other, like black opposes white. Am I right or am I right?
White Ninja Leader: Wrong! Supplier stopped selling grey fabric! He only have two colors left. We wanted to be black, but bastards put in their order first! - The repeated refrain when Crypto questions what ninja are even doing in 1969: "Eh. Just go with it. Besides, who doesn't love ninjas?"
- The mission to convince the White Ninjas to worship Arkvoodle is one long, hilarious exercise in Literal-Minded and Insane Troll Logic, as the ninjas repeatedly try too hard to please Crypto, ranging from offering to sacrifice a “demon temptress” (read: random woman they kidnapped from a supermarket), to randomly starting a bidding war.
- Crypto can even attempt to convince them to think freely. The white ninja master repeats everything Crypto tells him.Crypto: You all got to think for yourselves!
White Ninja Leader: Hai. We all got to think for ourselves.
Crypto: You're all unique!
White Ninja Leader: Hai. We all unique.
Crypto: You're all individuals!
White Ninja Leader: Hai! We all individuals!
Random Ninja: I'm not.
Crypto: Oh. For crying out...
- Crypto can even attempt to convince them to think freely. The white ninja master repeats everything Crypto tells him.
- Crypto can ask the Black Ninja master about the feud as well. The black ninja prepares to tell Crypto the same story ofthe grey master, only for Crypto to let him know he was already told the details.Crypto: Heard it all before, Sparky. You got dibs on black. Woopty-freakin-do.
Black Ninja Leader: We are only wearing black until they make darker.
Crypto: New angle. Nice. - While convincing the Black Ninjas to worship Arkvoodle, you can tell them how he made reality TV, which they think is too far. The leader then kills you for being a usurper.
- In Reprobed, after completing "Revenge of the Ninja", the player is treated to a postcard of Crypto and four white ninjas recreating the famous Ginyu pose.
- On one of the Moon missions, Crypto raises a question about the crates.Crypto: Hey, Pox, y'ever notice there seem to be lots of crates lying around? Just ordinary crates, I mean, what could they all be for? If they were used for something, then maybe then I could understand. It's just... so. Many. Crates.
Pox: I think they got the hint, Crypto. - Civilians or enemies lit on fire (which is more common with the Disintegrator Ray in Reprobed) can spout amusing comments.Bay City Cop: Thank god we Americans have universal health cover! Oh...Female Hippie: It's so real! I can almost smell my hair burning!Male Mod: But the tag said "inflammable"! IT'S A POLYESTER JACKET!
- Reprobed tends to add a lot of hilarious dialogue to various missions, like this zinger in the mission "The Food Line in the Sky":Male Peasant: Stomach is rumbling like moving glacier! (Do not worry if you are not knowing what glacier is being, kids: by time you are playing this game, there will not being any left.)
