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Funny / Destroy All Humans!

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  • The opening cinematic of the first game doesn't waste any time setting up the tone.
    • Crypto's very first words in the series:
      Crypto: What's shakin', Pox? You look a little... what's the word... Constipated.
    • Later on, we get this exchange:
      Crypto: Lemme tell ya something, Pox. You're a smart cookie, but there's a time for thought, and there's a time for action! And this is one of those times!
      Pox: ... Which?
      Crypto: THE SECOND ONE!
  • Pretty much every conversation between Pox and Crypto.
    Pox: If we want this invasion to run smoothly, we must identify the dominant lifeforms on this world. Those "Lactating Bovoids" are likely candidates.
    Crypto: Surely you don't mean those foul-smelling gasbags beyond the fence?
    Pox: Yes, I'm afraid I do.
    Crypto: But they're covered in nipples!
    Pox: NOW, Cryptosporidium!
    • And immediately afterward.
      Crypto: They eat through their mouths?!? UGH, I think I'm going to be violently ill!
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  • There's no penalty for staying a long time on the main menu rather than playing missions (whether you're logging in the DNA cheat or the Unlock Pox's Lab cheat, etc.), but Pox is not very patient, and he'll try to shame you into going back to playing main missions such as by stating your electricity bill is going to look steep this month.
    Pox: Didn't anyone tell you? The name of the game is "DESTROY ALL HUMANS!" Not "Screw Around on the Mothership"!
  • In the mission "Furon Down", Crypto is captured and awaiting autopsy when the Mad Scientist assigned to the job bursts out with this hillarious rant:
  • In one mission, you must hologuise yourself as the mayor of Rockwell to tell the townsfolk that there's nothing bad going on. The voice, akin to Mayor Quimby from The Simpsons, is just hilarious when the player purposefully picks the wrong choices to say. Like, say, "Insult Audience"...
    I gotta tell ya, I've seen some pretty disgusting creatures in my day, but you monkeys take the cake! In fact, all you monkeys is an insult to monkeys! how you became the dominant species of the earth is a total freakin' mystery!
    • And "Enslave Populace"...
      Er, um... BOW DOWN BEFORE CRYPTO! (beat) What, do I have to draw you a picture?
    • And once one of the people asks you what that has to do with the destruction of the fairgrounds from the previous mission, you can pick "Tell The Truth"...
      It doesn't! HAHAHAHA!
    • And finally, when a female member asks why no one in Santa Modesta has experienced anything like this, pick "Feign Ignorance".
      How the Hell should I know?!
    • If you pick "Reassure Audience" instead...
      Santa Modesta is experiencing the same problems we are; the difference is, we have that award-winning city desk over at the Rockwell Gazette, and nothing gets past those guys! They keep ME honest!
    • Or, you could blame it on the cows:
      Look, cows fart methane, and methane is flammable. We have more cows than Santa Modesta; you do the math.
  • The first mission in Santa Modesta involves attacking a pool party the mayor is at in order to attract (and weaken) the police force. If you scan the mayor (who, just like in the last mission, sounds like Mayor Quimby), you can see he isn't particularly fond of the idea of hosting the pool party...
    You'd think as much power I've got in this town, I could ban these stupid pool parties. At least we outlawed the chicken dance.
    • The song playing at the pool party is Summer Sammba. It becomes Soundtrack Dissonance if you decide to kill everyone at the party without a disguise.
  • During the intro to "The Lone Gunman", Pox and Crypto talk about finding President Huffman, when Pox spots a convoy heading out of Capitol City.
    Crypto: Right on. Just tell me where he is and what he looks like.
    Pox: I... err... the mothership's tracking system is broken. I think he uses those convoys of long black vehicles for transit.
    Crypto: You think?
    Pox: I can't exactly pinpoint the president from orbit, Crypto; It's not like he walks around with a big red arrow over his head.
    • Pox's reaction to the presidential motorcade being full of heavily armed Majestic Agents.
      Look out! It's an ambush! Circle the wagons! Throw me a shotgun! Get the womenfolk inside! Oh... I really must stop watching human television. Oh screw it... DESTROY THEM ALL!
  • And later:
    Pox: Now that the president is dead, the human senators are voting for a new leader. The vote is agonizingly close!
    Crypto: Doesn't the Vice President become President?
  • Some of the thoughts are just plain hilarious:
    Housewife: If my kitchen isn't the cleanest and shiniest in town, I'll crush ANYONE who disagrees with me... with my dainty manicured fist!

    Cop: To serve and protect. To serve and protect. To serve and protect. To swerve and defect. Uh... To curve and perfect? Dammit, I lost it!

    Cop: Who the hell needs a "Bill of Rights"? I'm Bill and I'm right!
  • Before the boss fight against General Armquist, we get this in a cutscene:
    Armquist: Come and get me, ya commie piece of crap! (punches Crypto in the face and runs)
    Crypto: Okay, we'll do it your way.
    (Armquist stomps up in a giant robot suit)
    Crypto: Your way's not very sportsmanlike...
  • In the sequel, Crypto's bodysnatched a Cosmonaut on the moon to influence the Russians into rebelling against the Blisk aliens. This also becomes a Moment of Awesome when Crypto FINALLY comes up with the perfect excuse for why the monsters should be killed:
    • It continues in this vein once the Russians are convinced:
      Cosmonaut 1: This is being outrage! Everything else can be enduring if we're having enough vodka!
      Cosmonaut 2: Da! Without vodka, Russia would have been democracy 200 years ago!
    • Worth noting that up until choosing to just say whatever came to mind, nothing Crypto had said worked, including pointing out an obvious flaw about working with them.
      Cosmonaut: Comrade Leonid, what evidence are you having to be mistrusting Bliskeviks?
      Crypto: They're giant freakin' lobsters! From outer freaking space!
      Cosmonaut 2: We are seeing long term effects of moon craziness. Poor Leonid...
  • In 2, one of your side missions must be carried out while your disciple Shama Lamma is advertising your cult on a radio station. If you screw up, he ends the broadcast with this:
    And lastly, I'd like to thank Cryptosporadium, for being a FRICKING IDIOT!
  • Perhaps the only thing Path of the Furon did right was the humor. A notable example coming from Crypto and Pox discussing this new idea about 'video games.' Pox dismissed Mario, Sonic and Halo as ridiculous ideas, and then, being the genius that he is, suggests that they should make games based on popular movies. What could go wrong?
  • At the start of the last stage of Path Of The Furon, Crypto destroys a large red forcefield blocking his path with the Saucer's Death Ray. It is immediately replaced by a similar, green one.
    Pox: We'll need to think of something else; you can't just shoot this one, because its green.
  • Before accepting the mission "They Shoot Hippies, Don't They?", if you choose to recap the goal, this conversation occurs.
    Crypto: Alright, hit me again with the part about Bongwater's blimps.
    The Freak: What?
    Crypto: Bongwater. He has blimps full of Revelade.
    The Freak: He does? Far out!
    Crypto: No, you're the one who said so! You just said he's going to cover Bay City in Revelade gas!
    The Freak: Whoa...really? I said that?
    Crypto: Focus, Freak! Does he or doesn't he?
    The Freak: Does who what?
    Crypto: Does Bongwater have Revelade blimps preparing to attack Bay City?!
    Crypto: ...see, kids? This is why you shouldn't do drugs.
  • In Destroy All Humans 2 in the mission briefing for the Kojira mission:
    Pox: I'm picking up a signal in the ocean to the south.
    Crypto: Yeah? What kind of signal?
    Pox: A radiation signature, emanating in gamma waves from the creature's tortured brain.
    Crypto: Tortured?
    Pox: Yes. It's as if the monster is crying out, "Kill me! Kill me!"
    Crypto: That's gotta be the most pathetic thing I ever heard. So, you want me to hunt down this monstrosity and put it out of its misery?
    Pox: Actually, I want you to read its mind and enter it the source of its cognitive distress, so we can get it some help and over time teach it confidence and self-esteem.
    Crypto:'ve got to be kidding me.
  • During "The Alien Who Probed Me", as Crypto searches for hippie leader Coyote Bongwater, he meets Bongwater's Bourgeois Bohemian girlfriend Prudence Kane at the park with other hippies. You have the option of triggering this exchange, even though it doesn't advance the game:
    Crypto: Okay, simians, here's the deal: you give me Coyote Bongwater, or I toast me up some hippie s'mores! Capiche?
    Prudence: Whoa! We got a narc over here! (to Crypto) Hey, narc, why don't you just go back to Narc Central and narc around with the other narcs, you narc?
    Crypto: Ouch, that stings!
    Prudence: Just the sort of response I'd expect — from a narc!
    • You get the option to instigate the fight:
      Crypto: Alright, that's it - HEY LOSERS! PUT THIS IN YOUR BONG AND SMOKE IT!
      Prudence: You carry a big gun, narc?
      Crypto: As a matter of fact, I do.
      Prudence: Ego transference! Feelings of sexual inadequacy! Ssssssss, ssssssss!
      Crypto: Sexual—? Are you high? I'm a FREAKING SUPERNOVA! Papa's got a brand new bag!
      Prudence: See that? Now he's trying to sexually intimidate me. Well, you can take your patriarchal power structure and shove it up your ass! What do we want? LIBERATION FROM THE OPPRESSIVE, PATRIARCHAL POWER STRUCTURE! When do we want it? NOW!
      Crypto: Cough up Coyote Bongwater, or I start baking brain brownies!
      Prudence: Threats won't get you any closer to the Revelade, pig, or to Coyote Bongwater!
      • Furthermore, to top it all off, you even get to insult Bongwater multiple times to her:
        Crypto: You gotta be kidding me. That patchouli-reeking nut bag? He makes the rest of you hippies look lucid.
        Prudence: OK, I'll give you the patchouli, but our beloved leader is not a not a nutbag. He is a cosmic visionary! A love child of the revolution! Wise in the way of political, spiritual and sexual healing!
        Crypto: He's a stinking monkey with delusions of grandeur. Or a crook, or both.
        Prudence: He is not, he is a great man.
      • After that, Crypto ends on this:
        Crypto: Easy princess. Pop another Valium.
  • In one of the later missions of Destroy All Humans 2, you have to make sure the Moon Landing actually happens. Only it's not a moon landing, it's a package drop-off that just looks like a moon landing. And the astronauts really don't like each other, meaning one of the most poignant moments in human history goes... differently.
    Carl Armstrong: That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.
    Biff Aldrin: ...That's it?
    Carl: What?
    Biff: "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind"? Seven months and that's the best you can come up with?
    Carl: You didn't like it?
    Biff: No, I didn't like it! It's crap! Where'd you find it, on a cereal box?
    Carl: I thought it sounded profound.
    Biff: PROFOUND? You wouldn't know "profound" if it hit you over the head with a Camus novel. You're so stupid you think Merv Griffin's a deep thinker.
    Carl: Listen mister, I'm getting tired of your lip.
    Biff: Oh yeah, Commander Bigshot? And what're you gonna do about it?!
    Carl: Pull the plug on this mission, that's what! (speaks into radio) I'm sorry, NASA, but I cannot work with this jackass any more. (points angrily at the lander) Get in the car. Get in the car!
    (they turn and leave)
    Carl: Moron.
    Biff: Putz.
    • Also, before that, while Crypto is fighting the attacking Soviet moon-forces, the astronauts are so busy bickering they don't notice they're under attack.
  • In the final boss battle of the game, Pox discovers that Milenkov's Blisk form has armour that recharges his health. However, he also discovers that once the armor is taken out, Milenkov becomes... naked.
    Pox: (worried tone) Brace yourself for the horror...
  • During the mission "Where Did All The Flower Children Go?", you have the option to turn down the sound effects and music and listen to what the feminist hippie chick (who is your first body-snatch disguise) has to say to her fellow hippies on the revolution.
    Female Hippie: Marches for peace, marches for choice, marches on the Dean's office, marches on the Capitol, marches, marches, marches! I'm sick of fighting! It's so 1964!
    White Male Hippie: I thought non-violent protests was the essence of the counterculture!
    Female Hippie: That's the problem! You think corporate America loses sleep over a few thousand people clogging up the road for a couple of hours to sing "If I Had A Hammer"! Hell, the shoe companies could probably give us free poster board!
    White Male Hippie: I think you're being a little dismissive.
    Female Hippie: Dismissive? Marching takes no commitment whatsoever! Any idiot could march! Now getting arrested, that's a sacrifice!
    African-American Hippie: Gettin' arrested? Now what does that accomplish?
    Female Hippie: Clog up the system, man. Throw a wrench at the bureaucratic machine! Then they can't ignore us!
    White Male Hippie: I don't know, man. A police record? That doesn't look too good of a job application...
    Female Hippie: Oh, give me a break...
    White Male Hippie: I'm serious.
    Female Hippie: No, Nelson Mandela is serious, YOU'RE a dilettante! Look, you think the weathermen care if they get arrested? YOU think Eldridge Cleaver sits around worrying about doing time?
    White Male Hippie: Eldridge Cleaver is doing time!
    Female Hippie: Exactly!
    White Male Hippie: I don't know what you're so angry about!
    Female Hippie: I'll tell you what I'm so angry about; even in the counterculture, it's the same old song and dance, the men just wanna get high and laid, and the women end up having to CARRY YOUR ASSES! I have to chant twice as loud and twice as committed to the cult just to get the man to notice me, and then some stoner like you swoops in front of the TV cameras and then takes all the credit!
    White Male Hippie: This is about Abbie Hoffmann dumping you, isn't it?
    Female Hippie: No it is not! And I resent your attempt to march and tantalize me for suggesting such a thing!
    White Male Hippie: OK, OK! I'm sorry!
    Female Hippie: You should be! Still can't believe you went back to Anita!
    White Male Hippie: Look, don't get me wrong, but I think it's great you're so committed!
    Female Hippie: Thank you!
    White Male Hippie: Like, the whole bra-burning thing, beautiful statement! I am totally behind that!
    Female Hippie: Excuse me?
    White Male Hippie: You gals go ahead and burn all your clothes? I absolutely support your right to do so one-hundred-percent!
    Female Hippie: Unbelievable!
    African-American Hippie: What's happenin'?
    African-American Hippie: Damn, that's cold...
    Female Hippie: You hear that, jerk!? He gets it! Nobody sacrifices more in this struggle than the Negroes!
    African-American Hippie: Blacks.
    Female Hippie: They changed it again? God damn it, well anyway, I think we can all agree that's there no room in this movement for stoner horn-dogs with no convictions! You seriously need to re-evaluate your commitment to real social political change!
    African-American Hippie: Oh yeah! Umm... OK.
    Female Hippie: You know who Eldridge Cleaver is, right?
    African-American Hippie: Um, sure.
    Female Hippie: You know any Hendrix?
    African-American Hippie: Oh, you know it!
    Female Hippie: Any "Holding"?
    African-American Hippie: I can dig some up!
    Female Hippie: Right on! Let's go!
    African-American Hippie: Right on, brotha!
    White Male Hippie: Maybe I should grow dreads...
  • The whole exchange Crypto has with a trapped Natalya during "The Good, the Bad, and the Furon" is pretty funny itself, but the part where Crypto replies to Natalya after she tells him Sergei has been infected with Blisk spores tops the cake.
    Crypto: Aw, for cryin' out... Tell me you used protection! Or don't they teach sex-ed in the Young Pioneers?
    Natalya: Kakaya zadnitza, I'm not talking about STDs! He's has been infected with alien spores!
    • When Milenkov comes along, Crypto shows him the destroyed state of the Blisk Warship. Milenkov responds by doing a short Take That! at him.
      Milenkov: Such bluster, such arrogance. You're beginning to sound like real American. Soon you'll be wearing cowboy hat and speaking in monosyllables!
      Crypto: Says you.
  • In the second game during "Takoshima Story", you con a KGB agent in disguise to give you the package Natalya needs, which leads to this conversation once you've left the area:
    Agent #1: I'm in position and waiting for package.
    Agent #2: I just gave you package not thirty seconds ago! Are you drinking on job again!?
    Agent #1: Did you remember to put tracking device on package?
    Agent #2: Did Stalin have anger management issues?
  • If the military gets alerted in Takoshima, you might get this line from the dispatch:
    "We need army! Do we still have one?!"
  • A lot of the lines from the military upon seeing Crypto's flying saucer qualify.
    Bay City dispatch: Look, up in the sky! It's some sort of... levitating... platter-like thingy!
    Albion dispatch: Doubleplus ungood! Doubleplus ungood!
    Tunguska dispatch: Holy crapski!
  • After discovering the Blisk in 2, Pox remarks that Crypto's weapons might not be effective because the Furon Empire's defense budget was slashed after the Martian War. Yes, apparently even an Empire of Scary Dogmatic Alien Greys isn't immune to this debate.
    Pox: The war was over! We didn't need the big guns!
    Crypto: So what did we spend our money on?
    Pox: Oh, science, education, the arts. TRIVIA, UTTER TRIVIA! OH, CURSE OUR GODS-DAMNED COMPLACENCY!
  • Early on in 2, Crypto points out the Fridge Logic of how he can be running around shooting stuff while supposedly being the president.
    Pox: Well, you never were one for putting in long hours at the Oval Office, so I installed a simple device to keep the humans distracted.
    Crypto: Really? What does it do?
    Pox: Oh, it smiles and waves, and occasionally launches into speeches about "free will" and other such nonsense...
    Crypto: Guess the monkeys never noticed, huh?
    Pox: ...Actually your approval rating tripled since I made the switch.
(awkward silence)

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