Cinematech Episode 251: “How to Be a Player”
The funniest of the Gamespot collaboration eps, this one stars Jeff Gerstmann as someone trying to teach a total noob (Ryan Davis) how to be a game... pro, some may say. It features pop-up trivia, video game Q & A montages, and Gerstmann summarizing games up in a limited amount of time, predating the YouTube channel Lore In A Minute by seven or so years. Crazy, huh?
The ep begins with a simulated party scene with the intro to a sports game serving as the background.
- Narrator (Jeff Gerstmann): Has this ever happened to you?!Gamer: So I know it might seem obvious, but Dust seems to me as the dopest map in the game.Davis: Ah, yes, I also, uh... love the Dust.Gamer: You playing 1.6 still, or did you move over to Source yet?Davis: I... have no idea what you're talking about.
The gamer nods and moves offscreen.
- Gerstmann: Can't keep up with today's game lingo?[Davis shakes his head][Gerstmann moves onscreen] Well then, you're in luck, because over the next 30 minutes, we're gonna give you a sneak peek at an exciting new videocassete series designed to teach you how to talk the talk without making you play all those pesky games! You'll get hits like Final Fantasy VII in 30 seconds!Gerstmann: Okay, there's a company called Shin-Ra, right? They're in the power business because of these things called Mako reactors that pump energy out of the planet. Unfortunately, that energy comes from like the souls of the dead, so they're literally sucking the life energy right out of the planet! A rebel group named AVALANCHE sets out to destroy the reactor to save the planet, but they can't do it alone, so they hire this mercenary kid named Cloud. Real whiner. He dresses up in drag, he clashes with this dude named Sephiroth, and the ending's left open to interpretation. Oh, and Aeris dies.
And then they decided to call her Aerith in later games and movies, causing kids who grew up with FFVII to constantly correct themselves.
2:25: Gerstmann explains the old “Guile's Handcuffs” bug/trick in early arcade versions of Street Fighter II where, if playing as Guile, a player could lock their opponent in place, attached to Guile's side.
- Gerstmann: If you're feeling really insidious, there's another move you can do that resets the game. But do not do this in an arcade. You will get your ass kicked.[shows a bruised Davis with “ASS KICKED” flashing beneath him]]
3:09: Clips featuring games and factoids for some of the more obscure consoles, such as the 3DO Interactive Multiplayer, released in 1993 for... $699.99?! I wonder how much that would be if released in today's North American economy.
- GameSpots Favorite 3DO Moment: Crystal Dynamics' great port of Samurai Shodown
Crystal Dynamics. What a pretty name. Ahh.
Next, the Philips CD-i, released in 1991 for “around $400”.
- GameSpot's Favorite CD-i Moment: Those Zelda games that weren't actually made by Nintendo.
Finally, the SNK NeoGeo, also released in 1991, but for $599.
- GameSpot's Favorite NeoGeo Moment: Fighting. Duh
They actually closed the segment with the sound of a coin hitting a hard surface, possibly poking fun at how expensive these consoles were at the time?
3:52: Omigosh, omigosh! A montage of games with Hollywood actors in them! Such as Mark Hamill, Malcolm McDowell, and John Rhys-Davies in Wing Commander, Sylvester Stallone in Demolition Man, Dana Plato (Diff'rent Strokes) in Night Trap, Tia Carrere in The Daedalus Encounter, Bruce Willis in Apocalypse (which looks like “One-Liner: The Game”), Dana Gould in Gex 3 (a game which featured a human, live-action love interest for Gex... who was a gecko, mind you), and Kirk Cameron in The Horde. They actually refer to Rhys-Davies as “Gimli”.
I don't have many favorite “celebrity” performances in game. Everyone did a good job in the Peter Jackson's King Kong game. The celebrity voice actors, such as Keith David, Lance Henrikson, and Martin Sheen in the Mass Effect series are pretty great. I think that one underrated performance (although I'm in the minority that thinks that pretty much the whole game is underrated) is Jensen Ackles' from The 3rd Birthday.
5:17: Back to check on Davis' progress!
- Davis: Wow, I'm feeling smarter already!Gerstmann: And that's just the beginning! With our patented cleansing techniques, you'll be fragging the noobs in no time!Davis: The who, with the what?!Gerstmann: [laughs heartily] You've got a lot to learn. Let's take a break, and let some of this sink in. [fakes a punch at Davis, who leans back; Gerstmann laughs some more]
Er... that “break” consists of some violent arcade lightgun games, such as Punisher on the NES, Chiller, and a game based on Terminator. I've always found Chiller to be creepy because it's an early horror game with some disturbing (yet primitive) graphics and this one stage where you shoot at human prisoners chained to a dungeon wall. Don't even some of the most violent games cast you as the hero (or Anti-Hero) fighting monsters or humans who are enemies to you? What did these prisoners do to deserve to be shot at?! Where is this game's moral center?! Hideo Kojima could have a field day with this game.
5:58: Back from the break!
- Gerstmann: Now, let me paint a nightmare scenario for you here, folks: It's a cold, dark night. Your car breaks down-
In Silent Hill?!
- Gerstmann: -and you're stranded. You stumble into the nearest hotel, and find... a LAN party. Rows and rows of smelly players, jacked out of their minds on energy drinks!Davis: [looks around] Oh, no! I don't even speak the same language as these guys! I'll be stuck forever. [pouts]Gerstmann: With our patent-pending How to Be a Player video series, you'll be back on the road in no time. Just watch!Gerstmann: Obviously, you're going to have to talk a pretty good game when it comes to first-person shooters. Just use handy phrases like “rocket jumping” and “head shots” and you should do just fine. If the topic strays to a shooter you might not be familiar with, refer to this handy video guide for help.Gerstmann: Shogo switched off between on-foot levels and sequences that would put you in a giant robot suit.
This game is a little obscure compared to the developers' later games. Perhaps you've heard of them? No One Lives Forever and F.E.A.R.? The former was a swinging, '60s spy movie-influenced shooter with a (gasp!) female lead, and the latter was one of those Killer App, upgrade-your-PC-to-play-it kind of games with a horror influence. And blood. Lots of blood.
- Gerstmann: Duke Nukem 3D married first-person shooter gameplay with a wisecracking hero that made the whole thing feel a lot more like an action movie... especially since he stole a bunch of his catchphrases from Bruce Campbell.Gerstmann: Goldeneye was the first console first-person shooter that was worth taking seriously. It was also a good early example of a game that had location-specific damage.Gerstmann: Quake was the game that took the whole thing online, because Quake was built for the internet. Of course, no one would have enough bandwidth to play it properly until like a year after it came out.Gerstmann: Unreal was, essentially, not Quake. The Quake versus Unreal rivalry heated up when both sides went for a multiplayer focus with Quake III: Arena and Unreal Tournament. We recommend you flip a coin to determine your allegiance, but really, UT is way better.
Ah, for the days when FPSes had mysterious and ominous one-word titles. Nostalgic.
Unreal also led to the successful Unreal Engine technology, which is powering all sorts of games besides FPSes. Even fighting games like Tekken 7, which may be the last game in the main series? Sniff
8:20: Halo in 30 Seconds
- Gerstmann: Okay, so Halo opens with you being woken up out of some crazy cryostasis because you're some kind of badass cybernetic space marine called the Master Chief. This alien race called the Covenant has been causing trouble all over the galaxy, and they're looking for Earth. You land on their ancient religious artifact, a big, lush space ring they call Halo. At the end of Halo, you blow that ring apart. In Halo2, the bad guys find Earth, but instead of defending it, you go find another big space ring and a weird alien plant. Oh, and you also play as Keith David. Ooh, one more thing! The ending sucks.
9:30: Gerstmann explains a bit more about the Neo*Geo, like how it was devoted to bringing the arcade experience home, allowing you to enjoy certain games that were otherwise... (Scare Chord) censored on other home consoles.
10:41: Ninjas! In games like the Shinobi series from SEGA. Pop-up trivia boxes explain more.
- The Revenge of Shinobi had bosses based on Batman, the Terminator, and Spider-Man.
Is that why RoS was not featured in Sonic's Ultimate Genesis Collection? What a surreal decision that somehow made it intact to the North American and European versions of the original game.
- Shinobi III was the true sequel to '''Revenge of Shinobi, but didn't capture the rad gameplay of the previous games.
I disagree! This was the first and only Shinobi game that I played extensively when it came out on the Genesis, and I love it. It's everything you could want in a 16-bit action platformer: good controls, and cool levels, bosses, enemies, music, and powerups. SEGA at their finest.
11:34: Davis ad Gerstmann catch up. This is my favorite exchange in the whole ep.
- Davis: Dude, ninjas?!Gerstmann: Yes, my boy, ninjas. When you roll with our How to Be a Player video series, you roll sick, and deep. And you also roll with large, fire-breathing Russians. But don't take my word for it.
11:51: Games featuring Karnov, a... large, fire-breathing Russian, in such games as Karnov's Revenge, Bad Dudes vs. Dragon Ninja, and Fighter's History, the fighting game that Capcom sued over due to similarities between it and SFII.
12:30: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time in 30 Seconds
- Gerstmann: Okay, this one's easy. You know how every Zelda game puts you in the role of a kid named Link, and asks you to save Zelda from a crazy evil pig man named Ganon? Well, guess what this one makes you do? Yup. Same thing. Oh, but here, you get to do some time traveling, and switch between little boy Link and adult Link, so... that's different, I guess. Oh, did I mention it's one of the greatest games of all time? That's probably important, too.
Adult Link is so hot. That's definitely important. Such bishie. Nintendo may not have a lot of bishies, but when they do, they do not disappoint. This is perhaps best emphasized in the long-running Fire Emblem series.
14:14: Let's get weird with some... obscure peripherals! Such as the chainsaw-shaped GameCube controller for Resident Evil 4, the NES Power Glove (it's so bad), and the monstrosity that was the Steel Battalion controller, made to simulate a futuristic mech cockpit.
- The Power Glove was made famous by its appearance in the awful Fred Savage movie, The Wizard.
Hey, I like that movie. Or at least I remember liking this incredible song on the soundtrack: Real Life's “Send Me an Angel”. How did they get such a good song for that movie?
- The $200 Steel Battalion controller supports exactly two games.The Trance vibrator takes the rumble pak to a whole new realm. It works with Rez and Space Channel 5 Part 2 on the PS2.
They show a female G4 employee walking by the Trance vibrator, and, ah, “testing it out” by dangling it somewhere below off-camera. Then, they showed another G4 employee, Guy Branum, who you may recognize from more recent shows such as Last Comic Standing and @midnight, using it in the same way.
- The GameCube controller was just fine for Resident Evil 4... at least until you try to put those controls into the shape of a chainsaw.OK, so the PlayStation 2 might need a vertical stand. But a horizontal stand? Could that be any stupider?
Sounds like a ripoff, honestly.
- This sword built for playing Onimusha. Swinging the sword is like pushing the X button.
I don't know, Onimusha is already pretty difficult with a regular controller. They showed a brief skit where someone tried to cut a fruit with the sword controller, only for it to break off immediately upon making contact. They then show him holding a real katana and the fruit splitting. He then does a thumbs-up.
I wonder what other kinds of unwieldy, game-inspired controllers could have been made.
16:05: Another update on Ryan's progress, with a boat scene from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City as a background:
- Gerstmann: Fantastic. This party's really heating up now. Hey, having a good time?Davis: Oh, heck yeah! With all this game info at my fingertips, I've gone from part-time Madden player to the guy that can tell you why the Super Nintendo version of Mortal Kombat was totally lame!
16:43: Gerstmann is back with info on obscure handhelds.
- NEC Turbo Express: 1990 $299.99A TV tuner add-on lets you watch really snowy local television channels.
And now, we have YouTube on our Nintendo 3DSes and PlayStation Vitas.
- Atari Lynx: 1989 $299The Lynx didn't have many games that people cared about and died off pretty quickly.That said, California Games is a totally rad game.Sega Nomad: 1995 $180The Nomad was a portable Genesis. It burned through six AA batteries in three or four hours.
It was also impossible to beat the X-Men Genesis game on that system because you need to reset the hardware to finish it. Yes, it is a Guide Dang It!.
18:44: Gerstmann has this to say about “militant players”:
- Gerstmann: If you run into any militant players, chances are they're going to judge you more by what you hate than by what you actually like. Here are some real-world defenses to use in the wild.
They show a montage of games that these elitists are likely to disapprove of or have strong opinions about, such as...
- Madden: “'Only jocks play Madden. Football stinks.'”Mortal Kombat: “'The SNES version of Mortal Kombat was censored. The Genesis version is obviously superior.'”Katamari Damacy: “'I was into Katamari Damacy back before it was cool.'”Tony Hawk's Underground: “'Tony Hawk's Underground? What's underground about Bam Margera? That guy is doing ads for deodorant!'”Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas: “'GTA's graphics are garbage and the only people that play it are Neanderthals. Come by later, we're going to play and discuss ICO again.'”Halo: “'Halo? Great, another brain-dead FPS for the console kids. I'll stick to real games like Counter-Strike, thanks!'”Catwoman: “'Boycott EA!!!!!'”
I have strong opinions about that Catwoman movie, but that's not for this liveblog.
19:58: Gerstmann tackles Metal Gear Solid in 30 seconds.
- Gerstmann: Okay, let's see: You're a secret agent named Solid Snake. You sneak into this base and try to rescue this guy, but he has a heart attack. Turns out it was something called FoxDIE. You blow up the big walking tank named Metal Gear, and deal with your crazy twin brother. In the sequel, you play as Solid Snake. Wait, no you don't, you play as this sissy named Raiden. Uh, you can hide in cardboard boxes, uh, the President, he's in this... group called the La-Li-Lu-Li-Le-Lo, or somethin', and... he grabs your crotch... This girl keeps harassing you on the radio... Hell, I don't know. It's all a VR mission, anyway!Raiden: We're not just pawns in some VR mission, you know!”Rose”: Yes, you are.Gerstmann: The “How to Be a Player” series is poised to give you everything you need to know about games without having to play all those games! That's it. No tiny, classified ads. No magic bullets here, friends. Just the facts, fast and easy. And hey, look at our friend here!Davis: Now I'm the hit at all the LAN parties, and I never even had to pick up a controller. Thanks, Player!Gerstmann: No, friend, thank you. If you'd like to take the challenge, fire up your internet online web browser and point it at: www.gamespot.com/beaplayer. Act now – supplies are limited!
The ep ends with a list of featured games over footage of Davis dancing.
That was a fun little ep that made the most out of its concept.
Linkies!
- Did You Know Gaming? Goldeneye 64
- Game Sack's episode on the 3DO
- JonTron: California Games
- LORE
- PeanutButterGamer: Link: The Faces of Evil review
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