The "Delayed Burial" mission at Loreius Farm, most likely many players' first encounter with Cicero.
Cicero:Agh! Bother and befuddle! Stuck here! STUCK! My mother, my poor mother. Unmoving. At rest, but too still! [...] Poor Cicero is stuck. Can't you see? I was transporting my dear, sweet mother. Well, not her. Her corpse! She's quite dead. I'm taking mother to a new home. A new crypt. But... aggh! WAGON WHEEL! DAMNEDEST WAGON WHEEL! It broke! Don't you see? [...] Oh. Oh yes! Yes, the kindly stranger can certainly help! Go to the farm - the Loreius Farm. Just over there, off the road. Talk to Loreius. He has tools! He can help me! But he won't! He refuses! Convince Loreius to fix my wheel! Do that, and poor Cicero will reward you. With coin! Gleamy, shiny coin!
When you have convinced Loreius, try not joining the Dark Brotherhood. When you pass by the farm again while doing other quests, Cicero will still be there, waiting for his wheel to get fixed.
On the mission to join the Dark Brotherhood, you'll be given the mission from a child, who asks you to kill a cruel old woman who runs an orphanage. Do it and the children will find out. They will cheer.
After doing the above mission, stick around and listen to the children talk. Cue one orphan: "Kill one person and you can solve so many problems! I wonder at the possibilities..." Feels good to know you're providing for the future of the Dark Brotherhood with such lovable little psychopaths.
One of the just-for-money side quests you do for the Brotherhood has you killing an orc bard, Lurbuk, also known as "The Worst Bard in Tamriel". Your quest giver tells you they got so many requests to kill him they held a lottery to determine which contract to honor.
Should you spare Cicero, he'll eventually wait outside of the Dawnstar sanctuary for you and, upon seeing you, will mock you for your mercy and tell you that he should be the Listener in a gleeful voice more poisonous than his knives. He laughs maniacally and then... tells you that he's just messin' with you and he'll be downstairs chillin' if you need him.
If you try to enter the aforementioned sanctuary before you know the answer to the door's riddle ("What is life's greatest illusion?"), your only choices will be:
"Um....the one where you saw a lady in half?"
"Being happily married?"
"Dreams are reality, and reality is really a dream?"
Before that, the first sanctuary asks you "What is the music of life?" and your answers will be:
Potential ingredients include a sweetroll, Vampire Dust, a Giant's Toe and a Septim gold coin. The amusing thing about this is you can decline to add the poisoned herb and serve the signature stew to "the Emperor" and the other guest nobles to see their reactions...and it's every bit as good as they thought it'd be!
Alternatively, in keeping with a Dark Brotherhood conversation gimmick, you can successfully maintain your guise as the master chef by remaining completely silent throughout the cooking process and the assistant chef will take it as a test without suspicion.
Pretty much anything said by the members of the Dark Brotherhood when you first meet them, such as Babette retelling how she killed her last mark (who was apparently a pedophile) or her comment on Arnbjorn's contract on a Khajiit Monk.
A big doggie chasing after a little kitten. How cute.
When reading Cicero's journal, one entry in particular sticks out: When contracted to kill the Arena's Grand Champion, he decides to pose as an adoringfan in order to get into the champion's good graces.
The Dark Brotherhood provides industry-leading murder, mayhem, and sarcasm.
Nazir: Congratulations. You slaughtered an emaciated beggar in cold blood. You are truly an opponent to be feared.
Even the introduction to the Dark Brotherhood is fairly funny, as you are tasked with killing three bound and bagged prisoners: a mercenary with the sobriquet "the Fearless" who begs for mercy, a Jerkass Nord woman who scolds you, and an Affably Evil Khajiit who's thoroughly unimpressed with his predicament.
Go back to the abandoned shack later in the game. If you chose to kill one prisoner or two, the remaining prisoner(s) are simply left in the shack by Astrid still bound and bagged.
After you kill your target, you can loot the execution hood they were wearing then put it on. From a realistic standpoint, everything your character does while wearing it will be based on them relying on their hearing.
The quest "A Night To Remember". It starts off with a drinking contest with a guy named Sam Guevine (a.k.a. Sanguine). Next thing you know, you wake up in a temple on the other side of the world map, having trashed the place and molested the holy statuary (it is a temple to the goddess of love and beauty) while ranting about marriage and a goat, according to the priestess yelling at you. You must retrace your steps from there (after cleaning the temple), likely causing more mayhem along the way.
Oh, and the player's fiancee? A hagraven.
Even better: This specific part doesn't change even if the player is female.
During the quest where the player has to track down Esbern to his hideout in Riften's sewers, the player finds him and convinces him that they are a friend of a friend, so he unlocks the door he was speaking behind. It takes about ten different locks before the door opens, and after looking inside the player can see each one (and about three or four sturdy chains keeping the door shut).
After you beat Alduin, if you go back to Delphine, she lampshades you riding off to the final battle on the back of Odahviing, a dragon who just turned traitor.
Delphine: I heard you left Whiterun on the back of a dragon; even for you, that's a bit flashy.
Once you get a high enough enchantment skill, the guards with start asking if you could enchant their swords.
If you practice your alchemy, they'll ask you for an ale. Kinda got it backwards, there, dude.
If you get a high enough conjuration skill, guards will ask you if you could conjure a warm bed for them.
A random encounter involves a thief ambushing you and demanding that you hand over all of your money. One of your possible responses is to just tell the thief that you "don't have time for this" and walk away. The thief will still attack you, but his astonished shout of "Hey...don't you walk away from me!" because you blew off his mugging attempt is simply hilarious.
If you're part of the Guild, you can yell at him for trying to rob a fellow member. His response is basically "...sorry..."
You can get mugged even when/if you're playing as a transformed werewolf. That bandit's got cojones.
Becomes even more funny if you're Guild Master. You yell at him for trying to rob his boss, then get him to hand over all his coin as punishment.
In a dungeon at Labyrinthian (only accessible late in the College of Winterhold questline), you find a hidey hole for a rogue Conjurer. You find his skeletal remains sitting in a chair, with a Draugr axe embedded at the head spot for the chair, and an opened and empty Draugr casket on the wall behind the chair. The thing is, there's a lightning rune on the only entrance. That unfortunate conjurer was very thorough in making sure the threats stayed outside the room...
In Riften, you can completely BS your way through a conversation about magic experiments with Wylandriah, the castle's mage. The best part? The nonsense you pull out of your ass will actually help her. Or it would, anyway, if she didn't forget by the end of the conversation just what problem she'd been trying to solve.
Similarly, when joining the Bard's College in Solitude, your first quest is to find King Olaf's Verse in order to convince the Jarl to allow them to continue burning an effigy of Olaf during a festival. However, once you find the Verse, half of it is smudged and impossible to read. So you and the headmaster decide to pull the other half of the verse out of your ass, making for a spectacularly weird poem. And guess what? It manages to convince Elisif to allow the festival to continue! And as an added bonus, if during the process of fixing the poem you choose the option that includes "(Persuade)", which would usually be the most BS option, you'll improve your Speech skill in the process.
Further humor from this tall tale: you may think saying Olaf One-Eye was a "Dragon in human form" is implausible... but what is the Player Character again?
In "The Fallen," when you actually catch Odahviing in Dragonsreach and don't immediately agree to let him go so he can take you to the final dungeon, mild hilarity ensues. Farengar, the court wizard, will come out and try to take "samples" from Odahviing. Cue him spewing fire into the sky in rage and Farengar running like a dog with his tail between his legs back into the palace. You can watch the whole thing here.
Irileth: Farengar, very bad idea. Even for you.
Farengar explains to Odahviing that he wants to perform a few tests, all purely in the interests of the advancement of knowledge. When Farengar is done talking, Odahviing first turns to you with an expression that screams: "Is this guy serious?" and only then turns back to Farengar to rebuke him.
In the same quest, after you Shout for Odahviing, there is a moment of tense silence before the sound of flapping wings can be heard. A guard standing on the porch murmurs "Did you hear that?" It takes about two seconds for him to literally vanish from the frame - Odahviing swoops down and snatches him out of his shield. The sheer suddenness makes it absolutely hilarious.
It gets worse. If this happens and you are able to keep your sights on Odahviing long enough, you'll see that he snatched the guard not to eat him, but rather to fling him into the air.
If you're very, very lucky and have perfect timing, you can speak to the guard before he gets snatched, and he'll spout one of the standard-issue guard lines. One of them can be the "I used to be an adventurer like you...." line, but Odahviing will snatch him up before he finishes.
Similarly, you can help J'zargo test some scrolls: a variant of Flame Cloak that causes undead to explode. When you return to him, one of the dialogue options is, "Were they supposed to explode? Because they exploded." Doubles as a reference to Fallout 3.
Sheogorath's dialogue in his Daedric Quest.
Do you mind? I'm doing the fishstick! It's a very delicate state of mind! Now, you're asking yourself, can I use my swords and sneaking and spells and all that? Sure, sure...or... you could use... THE WABBAJACK! By whom [were you asked to talk to me]? Wait! Don't tell me! I want to guess! Was it Molag? No, no - little Tim, the toymaker's son? The ghost of King Lysandus? Or was it - yes! Stanley, the talking grapefruit from Passwall!
When preparing to go back to his realm, he goes through a checklist of everything he needs.
Clothes, check. Beard, check. Luggage...hmm...now where did I leave my luggage? (Said luggage is the quest-giver.)
Sheogorath's monologue that hints that he may very well have been your character from Oblivion:
...Apart from that Martin fellow, but he turned into a dragon god and that's hardly sporting. You know, I was there for that whole sordid affair. Butterflies (the room where you first meet Haskill), blood (Blood of the Daedra/Divines), a Fox (The Grey Fox), a severed head (Dark Brotherhood quest), and the CHEESE!! To die for. (What the old Sheogorath used to talk about.)
And ol' Pelly is impatient and long-suffering through the whole conversation because he just wants to get back to decapitating people.
Sheogorath: Oh, Pelagius, what would the people do without you? Laugh? Sing? Smile? (giggles) Grow old?
The hilarity starts right at the quest giver! Since the dialogue string that starts the quest also ends the dialogue, Dervenin ends up adding a generic farewell to his speech, occasionally leaving us with this gem:
Oh, you just don't understand! Without him, I am not free! Without him I am doomed! All of his empire shall fall into chaos!
A quick way to determine one effect of a new ingredient is to eat it, in which case its first effect will take effect on you. Consuming netch jelly from Dragonborn, whose first effect is Paralysis, results in your character being paralyzed and doing a Face Plant once you leave the menu.
Thanks the power granted by Wreaking Havok, you can do all manner of silly things, like stripping corpses and piling them on top of one another, putting buckets on people's heads, or propping Jarl Ulfric's corpse on his throne and crowning him with an iron pot.
With really good timing, you can kill an enemy who's rushing towards you, as they're swinging their sword, and they'll go head over heels past you. If there's a wall behind you, they can end up leaning against the wall, upside down.
Spoken by a random bandit while attacking you, if you are playing as a Khajiit:
"You remind me of my cousin's cat. I killed that, too!"
You can pull this off too, when doing one of the side quests of the Dark Brotherhood, where you're tasked to kill the Khajiit named Ma'randru-jo. You can taunt him into attacking you, and one of the options is:
"I'll beat you up like a housecat!"
At any point in the game when you're fighting a Bandit/Forsworn/mob that is capable of human speech, and they start taunting you with something like "Is that all you got?" while in mid-sentence you already killed them in a single blow. Bonus points if you did an execution animation or your horse takes the kill.
You can decapitate people only for them to shout NEVER SHOULD HAVE COME HERE! as their head flies off.
The Enemy Chatter doesn't stop while performing finishing moves, leading to instances were that necromancer will say "It's Probably Nothing..." while you've already grabbed him and are in mid-backstab or that female bandit yells "I'm going to enjoy this!" as you run her through.
During Malacath's quest, you have to clear out a cave for a lazy Orc so that he can kill a giant that's occupying Malacath's shrine. Once you get to the shrine, the Orc tries to bribe you to kill the giant for him, too. You can accept the bribe, or tell him to do it himself. He replies, "Fine. This should only take a second." If you do the latter, watch as he flies through the air due to the famous giant's hammer glitch. Best of all, Malacath's dialogue afterwards indicates that he heartily approves of this.
There are numerous phrases NPCs can spout if they see a fight going on, some of which linger in Deadpan Snarker territory, if somewhat unintentionally at times. In one game, this provided a CMoF for a Thalmor guard:
Guard:(watching a dragon fighting a bear) My money's on the big one.
This is even more amusing when a person sees a dragon fighting (and don't run in panic) and remarks:
Civilian: Twelve Septims on the big one.
After one of the civil war quests, you can find Hadvar, and he had this to say:
Narfi, the beggar in Ivarstead, is supposed to be a harmless loon. If you complete the quest to learn about his sister's whereabouts, he'll give you three random alchemy ingredients. The randomness will sometimes fly in the face of his harmless reputation...
Right before you exit the Labyrinthian dungeon with the Staff of Magnus, a lone Thalmor mage tries to kill you to prevent you from interfering with Ancano. He arrogantly boasts that you have no chance of beating him. This, after you fought through a dungeon full of Draugr, skeletons, a skeletal dragon, and a dragon priest. It takes about two seconds to kill him.
If you get near enough to an NPC, they will usually make a comment. Sometimes random, sometimes not. However, the comment might not change, regardless of circumstances, leading to things like this gem of a quote from Farkas, the Companion, just after Vilkas ran past him.
Farkas: My brother Vilkas is the talkative one. He's around somewhere.
As you near completion of the Forbidden Legend quest to reform the Gauldur Amulet and defeat the archmage's three patricidal sons in a Boss Rush, the three prepare their weapons as if to attack you at once...only for the three of them to turn around as Gauldur himself rises from the grave. Their next line is the only comprehensible Draugr line in the game.
Farkas, the big werewolf guy you're paired up with in the companion quests? The one who, according to Skjor, has the strength of Ysgramor? He later tells you he can't go on through the rest of a tomb because there are spiders ahead, and ever since you and he went through Dustman's Cairn, he's been terrified of spiders.
Take off your armor in front of non-hostile NPCs. Their reactions are hilarious.
In a region of Eastmarch, there's a watery area that includes hot springs, and at the southwestern tip is a camp with a few hunters lounging around with their clothes off in the hot water. The silly part comes if you decide to also take off your armor in their presence - they react to your state of undress the same way as people in a normal town, even if they themselves are undressed.
Kayd of Solitude's reaction is so wonderfully blunt: "Naked! Nakednakednaked!"
The Wabbajack. Turning a guard into a chicken? Quite funny. Turning a guard into a pile of gold? Amusing. Turning a guard into the very sweetroll they often talk about? Pure hilarity. Of course, when it backfires and turns a (relatively) harmless orc into a Dremora warrior, armed to the teeth with weapons and armor, that isn't nearly as funny.
Witness the Wabbajack in action here, where it's used to turn an aggressive Blood Dragon into a bunny, which then simply hops off.
Another effect of the Wabbajack, which happens very rarely, makes Sheogorath himself appear and do a little jig.
The first parts of the "A Daedra's Best Friend" quest are extremely funny, particularly when meeting Barbas the dog, who, to the Dragonborn's surprise, talks telepathically with a Yiddish accent. Barbas even calls out on the Dragonborn's surprise by pointing out that dragons and Khajiit exist, so he (Barbas) shouldn't be too unusual. The Reveal, however, changes the tone of things a bit.
When you talk to Clavicus Vile, you have three dialogue options, one saying you simply want to return Barbas to him, one saying you want to end the civil war, and one saying you want power. If you pick the second, he replies that if he were at full power, he'd simply snap his fingers and everyone in Skyrim would die. If you pick the third, he retorts that "you already have more power than most people who aren't immense fire-breathing monsters."
Talk to Barbas after Clavicus sends you to get the Rueful Axe and he'll tell you its history:
"One of Clavicus's little jests. A wizard named Sebastian Lort had a daughter who worshipped Hircine. When the daughter became a werewolf it drove Sebastian over the edge. He couldn't stand to see his little girl take on such a bestial form. The wizard wished for the ability to end his daughter's curse. Clavicus gave himan axe."
You can play as anything in Skyrim if you're on the PC. A chicken? No problem the village people now idolize you. A horse? Have fun being targeted by anything and everything. A dragon? The bane of existence sounds funs right? A sweetroll? Yep. All you need to do is use /tc as a console command, and point at the thing in question. Hilarity ensues.
One Fetch Quest in Markath has the local alchemist hire you to deliver a Stallion's Potion to the elderly Steward Raerek. When you deliver it to him, the embarrassed Raerek thanks you and gives you a 750 gold tip for your discretion.
Fun with voice acting: during the Dark Brotherhood quest line, if you kill Nilsine Shatter-Shield in Windhelm, Tova Shatter-Shield commits suicide. Now, every time you meet Torbjorn Shatter-Shield in the streets, he, for some reason, says "My favorite drinkin' buddy!" in that nasal beggar voice... and then, when you end conversation, he bids you farewell in his own, much deeper voice by saying: "Please forgive my mood... I'm still coming to terms with the death of my wife and daughters."
One of the "Fine Hat" models in the game is a red stocking cap with a furry lining. Wear it with a red coat and give your character a white beard for instant Badass Santa!
A free tip for anyone hoping to preserve a sense of gravitas during the climax of the civil war questline - when taking Windhelm, don't use the ol' Fus Ro Dah during the final encounter with Ulfric. It's kinda hard for your opponent to die with dignity when his Famous Last Words are muffled from lying in a crumbled heap face-down on the floor with his ass sticking up in the air. But it adds irony!
A similarly funny scene can happen for players who are fond of using the Paralysis spell or a Paralysis enchanted weapon: after disposing of Galmar, a lucky hit on Ulfric will make him freeze into a (usually) awkward pose (such as arms and legs bent this way and that with the head facing off to the side), then keel over. Then while he's down, after hitting him enough until Tullius start talking, one will be treated to a scene of Tullius, Rikke, and the PC standing over Ulfric who's looking like a fallen Greek statue and, when talking, moving only his mouth and facing the side.
That's not the end of the story. You'll be ambushed by some uncouth louts at a later date, who were hired by the Briar-Heart that got his heart pick-pocketed. He apparently got up, hired those momentary distractions, then dropped dead again. As far as the game is concerned, it counts as a theft.
One of the random conversations you can overhear in the Thieves' Guild has Vex yelling at Delvin that the ship they hit was worthless. Delvin protests he was sure he overheard someone say it was a shipment of furs and should be worth a lot. Vex snaps that the individual in question said "firs", not "furs" — it was a shipment of lumber.
The fact that your character's combat statistics display the number of bunnies they slaughtered.
The game has a number of quirks related to their mad libs questing system. When you Shout in a populated area, you'll sometimes later get an anonymous letter stating that you caused quite a stir and not everyone is happy to see you back, but the writer wants to help you so go check out location X to find another source of power and kill a dragon. But you can occasionally get this same message after Shouting in, for instance, a tomb filled only with the undead. You can even get this letter by Shouting at Sky Haven Temple, where the only witnesses are your fellow Blades, all of whom are already helping your fulfill your potential as the Dragonborn and slay dragons.
The civilians' reactions to corpses can be hilarious; no matter whose body it is, they'll all say "Oh, what happened?" in the case of adults, and "Ah! Dead body!" in the case of children. For instance, you can drag the corpse of Roggvir, the guy who gets executed in Solitude right in front of the entire town, into the street. Cue the entire population acting as if the body had randomly dropped out of the sky. Another funny time was when Weylin gets killed at the start of the Forsworn Conspiracy, it is entirely possible for all of the town drunks (who use the same voice) to cluster around Weylin and Margret's corpses, simultaneously saying "Oh, what happened?"
Likewise, during the quest to rescue a girl from a band of Forsworn and bring her back to the Temple of Dibella, she reacts to every single dead Forsworn (all killed by you of course on the way in) your group passes by on the way out of the ruined fort, which is both annoying and funny.
By themselves, two-handed weapons are amusing, if only for the sheer brutality. But combine two-handed weapons with a female Breton deliberately modeled for minimum weight, and you get to watch this tiny girl wielding battleaxes bigger than she is, who can barely reach the chest of most Nords, running around walloping fools.
There is a mod allowing you to change the size of your character, including to shoulder-height on the game's kids (at least as said female Breton). One result of this can be seen here, where your character gets turned into a Cute Bruiser, and a finishing kill can end up looking like a Groin Attack.
The Radiant AI can be pretty stupid when it comes to when lines are appropriate. This can lead to situations like this:
(After killing an Ancient Dragon, with amazingly no casualties, standing next to its arrow-ridden corpse) Riverwood Guard: My cousin's out fighting dragons, and what do I get? Guard duty.
One of the early main-storyline quests involves an NPC who arranges to meet you by stealing the ancient horn you were supposed to be retrieving. When you finally meet up with her, she ends up giving back the item and then having a conversation with you whilst leaning forwards across a table giving you a good view of her cleavage. About halfway through the conversation, she utters the immortal line:
Time the quests right, and you can get Esbern to state emphatically that until you kill Parthunaax, he and the Blades will give you no aid at all in a tone that brooks no argument. Then ask him how to trap Odahviing and he will cheerfully tell you anything you want to know with nary a quibble.
One that works for Imperial-aligned players only: after killing Ulfric Stormcloak, the courageous hero of the Stormcloaks, you can loot his body like any other. His weapon of choice? An iron axe with a fear enchant on it. It's even called Iron War Axe of Cowardice. Combine this with the fact that his favorite Thu'um is Unrelenting Force (which pushes enemies away from him), and you begin to get the idea that the great Jarl of Windhelm isn't quite as fearless as many Stormcloaks believe.
When you get to the portal to Sovngarde, you'll likely have just learned the first word of Storm Call, the most powerful shout in the game. You see a Dragon Priest, one of the toughest bosses in the game. You'll likely try to use Storm Call on him... and in the process, provoke the two dragons perched nearby, making the situation even more difficult.
A funny case of possibly accidental Did You Just Scam Cthulhu? towards the Daedric Princes. If you decide to become a werewolf during the Companions questline, you'll technically condemn yourself to hunting with Hircine in his realm after you die for all time. If you get far enough in the Thieves' Guild questline, you'll have to swear yourself to eternal service with Nocturnal. If you do both with one character, you just guaranteed two Eldritch Abominations are going to end up fighting over ownership of an immortal dragon soul upon your death (dragons being the children/physical manifestations/servants of Akatosh, just to add to the hilarity). Take into consideration that, according to Sheogorath in the Shivering Isles expansion, the Princes occasionally have little get-togethers, and the potential for "mommy and daddy are fighting again" jokes becomes endless.
It gets better: According to Lucien (the Spectral Assassin), you are meant to serve Sithis after your death, and according to Tsun, Guardian of the bridge to the Hall Of Valor, you will be welcome in Sovngarde...
One of the new kill cams added in the 1.5 patch has you essentially headbutt the enemy to death!
Also fun/funny: Killing people by breaking their necks with your shield.
One kill cam move has you twirling your sword around several times like a baton before slashing your opponent dead. It's something normally just for show in Real Life, and thus can look silly for some as a finisher, especially when you're using a dagger.
Perhaps the most ridiculous finishing move involves knocking your opponent down on his/her back and simply walking all over them.
The Word Wall containing the first word of the Shout for Elemental Fury (which is either at Dragontooth Crater, The Statue to Meridia, or Shriekwind Bastion, whichever you visit first) may not look all that funny - not if you can't read the Dovah language carved on the wall. When translated, it reads thus:
Another Word Wall at Lost Tongue Overlook translates thusly:
Here lies (the) body of Bard Romerius who tried (to) run from some Goblins but slipped.
The following letter can be found in Wylandriah's area of Mistveil Keep:
Your letter sent to the College of Winterhold was rife with grammatical errors and incomplete thoughts, making them difficult to discern. Could you please clarify the points below for us to ensure we're on the same page?
We have no record of a "cloud emulsifier" device or anything involving the magical manipulation of clouds. Second, we can't send you a sample of the Heart of Lorkhan for experimentation, as no such sample exists. And finally, in the fourteenth paragraph of your letter, you mention a substance called "greenmote." We're assuming this was a simple mistake and you meant to write "greenspore." If that's the case we have contaminated skeever carcasses with the disease available if needed.
We'd also like to thank you for sending us your notes regarding your experiments, we've all had a quite a grand time reading them.
Occasionally, dragons will screw up their landings, often in Epic Fail level ways, which will almost always treat you to the sight of a dragon overshooting his goal and making a long crater in the ground that usually doesn't end until he bashes his own head in, usually on the nearest mountain.
There is a letter titled "Until Next Time" which you can grab off of the countertop of Haelga's Bunkhouse (Riften):
Last night was the most wonderful night of my life. The things you showed me... the things we did... I could never have dreamt that it was possible. Who even knew that someone could manipulate their body in that manner while wearing Daedric armor boots? You are a true master of the Dibellan Arts, my love... a credit to your religion. Perhaps we'll meet again soon but next time, allow me to bring the trout.
Your Secret Lover
After you find the Alik'r prisoner in the dungeon, pay off his fine, and he tells you where to find his leader, he calls to the guards to let him out because his fine's been paid. The guard calls back, "I'm a little hard of hearing." When he finally gets there, after taking his sweet time, the prisoner repeats that his fine has been paid and he should be let out. The guard replies that he's "lost" his keys and that it will take him a while to find them.
Becomes funnier in hindsight if you pickpocket the keys earlier on. Though you can't unlock the cell.
Life is short. If you have not made love recently, please, put down this book, and take care of that with all haste. Find a wanton lass or a frisky lad, or several, in whatever combination your wise loins direct, and do not under any circumstances play hard to get. Our struggle against the colossal forces of oppression can wait.
Fighting bands of necromancers can be darkly hilarious. As you kill off each of their companions, the remaining mages will nonchalantly resurrect their fallen compatriots as zombies without a second glance. This is especially funny when using stealth. Necromancers will happen upon a dead friend, apparently think "Huh, when did you die? Oh well, free zombie!" and enslave their undead former friends.
There are a couple dungeons where you end up trapping yourself in a room as part of the story. The people with you react as if you're a troublesome child.
Tolfdir: How in the world did that happen?
Farkas: (sounding amused) Now look what you've gotten yourself into.
During the party at the Thalmor Embassy, you have to convince or trick someone to cause a distraction in order to slip past the guards. Most are pretty tame; usually they just walk up to Razelan and accuse him of various things. Razelan indignantly protests he "didn't do anything this time," but the ambassador automatically assumes he's guilty. If you ask Razelan to cause the distraction, however, you learn that it's not an unreasonable assumption.
The ending of the quest "Siege on the Dragon Cult". Remember Captain Valmir, the Stormcloak/Imperial spy who told you to get Rahgot's mask for your army? When you return with the mask in tow, you find Valmir... dressed in enemy colors and giving an enemy soldier the exact same speech he gave you. When you, understandably confused, walk up to the pair, Valmir says, "Oh, uh, I can explain..." and then he snaps and attacks you, backed by the equally confused soldier. As it turns out, Valmir was a Thalmor agent, using disguises to fool both armies into giving him the mask.
Upon entering Riften's jail for the first time.
Guard: What are you doing here?
Dovahkiin: It's okay. I'm allowed down here.
Guard: Oh. Okay, then.
If you're a strong mage, you may get challenged to a duel. Your follower or other bystanders, however, might not like this idea and decide to get involved, which the challenger isn't happy about. "This is supposed to be a one-on-one duel!" And if anyone decides "to heck with magic" and starts swinging at the guy with a sword, the challenger complains, "This is supposed to be a magic duel! Ma-gic! Y'know, with spells?" He just sounds so pouty about the whole thing. It's also funny if he decides to challenge you in certain locations, such as the entry to Whiterun, where all the guards promptly attack the guy who just started throwing fireballs around.
Becomes hilarious if this happens just after becoming The Archmage of the College of Winterhold. For this player, the Dragonborn was challenged to the duel right in the middle of the bridge of the College. One Curb-Stomp Battle later, the challenger was flying off the bridge with a fireball in the gut, while the Dragonborn channelled Horatio Caine:
When investigating Hjerim for clues to the murders in Windhelm there are two closets you can investigate. One yields useful evidence. The other?
This perfectly good closet was left behind for some reason.
In the Dawnguard expansion, Serana has unique companion AI that lets her use workstations and sit down like other NPCs do. This can lead to situations where you're talking to a merchant, and Serana walks around behind them to sit down on a bench or go to use an alchemy table. Like, "I can see you're going to be a minute, I'll just keep myself busy."
Serana's unique companion AI interactions also lead to some odd scenarios, such as her assuming a meditative stance at Arngeir's prayer tower at High Hrothgar, sitting on a chair that someone just died in and whose corpse still occupies it, or walking up onto Solitude's execution block during Roggvir's execution and casually using the grindstone while a man is beheaded right behind her.
Her vampiric ability to raise corpses comes handy at times. Unfortunately, she doesn't care what corpse to use - leading to you charging into battle with an undead goat ally at your side.
Jarl Balgruuf's posturing and backpedaling while preparing to defend his city.
Balgruuf: The outer walls are strong. If we can hold them there-
Legate Cipius: They have catapults.
Balgruuf: Dammit, where'd they get catapults? The city walls are already falling apart as it is!
Upon finding an imprisoned hagraven:
Dovahkiin: Why should I let you out? Melka: Because you're such a niiiice Breton! Dovahkiin: Huh? I'm not a Breton. Melka: Uh, well, you all look the same to me.
It gets better: if the player is an Orc, Argonian, or Khajiit, she'll say "Orc" instead of "Breton". An Argonian or Khajiit Dragonborn responds with, "You... must not have seen many Orcs."
Then, as you team up with the Hagraven to free her tower from her rival sister, she guides you and gives you.... "useful" advice:
At the Temple of Mara, you can get a sidequest to give pamphlets to local citizens, aiming to spread the word of Mara. However, some of the more cynical citizens have very humorous remarks if you hand one to them.
Maven Black-Briar: Excellent! I needed more kindling for my hearth!
The peace treaty during the "Season Unending" quest has plenty of moments.
"If we have to negotiate the terms of the negotiation, we'll never get anywhere!"
Legate Rikke's commentary.
(after Ulfric says he has something to say): Here we go. (after the line "I'm sure Jarl Ulfric does not expect something for nothing."): "Yes, that'd be entirely out of character." (after Elenwen claims "It's not the Thalmor burning your farms and killing your sons"): "She's supposed to be on our side?"
Ulfric tells Elenwen to shut up... and she listens.
It can be funny to watch Ulfric or Tullius squirm as you turn the negotiations against them... even if said negotiations were a completely fair "Markarth for Riften" trade.
With Hearthfire, you can adopt children from the Honorhall Orphanage. When Constance asks you for your occupation, you can list any number of "jobs" - i.e. Thief, Mercenary, Assassin, Dragonborn. In the last case she'll initially think you're taking the piss, but then quickly realize you're serious.
One can only imagine what would happen on "Bring Your Daughter To Work Day."
The Conjuration Ritual Spell quest, where you summon an unbound Dremora, keep killing and resummoning it over and over, and, for lack of a better term, make it your bitch. It's just really funny hearing a Dremora, scary voice and all, sound scared of you.
Dremora: I am not yours to toy with!
Player: I can do this all day.
Dremora: No, I... I submit. No more. What is your bidding?
Some of the radiant quests can be hilarious when you combine the quest itself and the location you're sent to. For example, the animal extermination quest from the Companions... you have to wonder, how exactly did a sabre cat get into Erikur's house in Solitude?
It's the Imperial ending of the Civil War questline. Ulfric is trapped and has finally been cornered by Tullius. Windhelm is burning down around you as the Imperial soldiers defeat the last Stormcloaks. Tullius approaches Ulfric, drawing his sword..and delivers this gem.
Lydia gets new dialogue in the Dragonborn expansion, a good portion of it snark.
In the Dragonborn expansion, you can take your followers with you. When you pick up and start reading a Black Book, Farkas just sighs and says "I can't believe you do that on purpose."
Speaking of Dragonborn, the story behind one of the inns, The Retching Netch, is pretty funny and you even get to make comments during it.
One series of mini-quests in Dragonborn involves helping Neloth with his experiments. In one such experiment, he casts a spell on the Dragonborn which is supposed to create an "eighth silence". The screen goes black and you can hear Neloth arguing with his assistant. While they don't directly say it, it's obvious that the Dragonborn is blind because his/her eyes were replaced with tentacles.
Neloth: Could you try wiggling them? No, don't shake your fists at me! Oh, and I see your tongue is now, uh... Fascinating!
When you pose as the Gourmet during the Dark Brotherhood questline, you are required to put on a chef's hat. Should you not take it off, you are treated to scenes of your character killing things in a chef's hat. The killshots become less badass, to say the least.
During the quest to become Thane of Dawnstar, you must kill a giant. If Skald is still Jarl, he offers this bit of sage advice.
In the Forgotten Vale, downhill of the frozen lake, there's a waterfall that leads into a dark pit beneath a glacier. When you approach it, Serana warns, "Careful, here. If you fall down that thing I'm going to have to drag you out of... wherever it leads." Should you jump into the water and go down it, you'll experience one of the highest freefalls in the game, and end up in Darkfall Grotto, a dark cave deep underground swarming with Feral Falmer. Serana has this to say:
Serana: Ugh. I told you! Serana: Next time I say to please not go over the waterfall, maybe you'll listen to me.
While meeting Paarthurnax for the first time, you can decide to play his questions straight...do so, and you get treated this delightful little subtle gem:
Paarthurnax: Do you know why I live here, atop the mountain you call the "Throat of the World"?
Dohvakiin: I dunno. Dragons like mountains, right?
Paarthurnax: Hmmm... True.
During one of Delphine and Esbern's random conversations in Sky Haven Temple, Esbern says that he's writing the modern history of the Blades, and he asks Delphine what she wants it to say in her part.
Delphine: "I survived"?
A bit of random dialogue after completing the College of Winterhold quest line:
"Have you seen Mirabelle? I know she's dead,, but I thought she might still stop by and say hello.
In a random atmospheric event, Vipir the Fleet tries flirting with Sapphire. She responds with this gem:
The actual story of how he got his name is also funny: He and Vex were busted during a job in Windhelm and were being pursued by the guards, ending up separated. He exited the main gate and ran all the way from Windhelm to Riften, only to find that Vex was already there having arrived hours before. Vipir had forgotten that they had had horses in the stables.
If you take Delvin the Elder Council Amulet under Astrid's orders before joining the Thieves' Guild, he'll start the conversation super-ominous and serious, at which point your character states they're with the Dark Brotherhood, causing him to instantly backpedal in a rather amusing fashion.
A line by Bendt, the chef in the Bard's College, parodies the player's tendency to Talk to Everyone. Remember, there are exactly zero items of interest in this section.
In the DLC Dragonborn, one of the random encounters is a mage attempting to fly. He casts his spell, and rockets straight up into the sky shouting "It worked! I'm flying!". And then he plummets straight back down again. Doubles as a reference to Morrowind, where another mage was attempting the same thing. He ended with the same fate.
Also in Dragonborn, if you go to sleep on Solstheim before cleansing all the All-Maker Stones, you may go to bed for the night in an inn.... and then wake up on the opposite side of Solstheim working on a stone's shrine!
Also from Dragonborn, there is a cave called "Benkongerike" that is filled with Rieklings (little goblin-type creatures). About halfway through, you find their porn stash: about 15 copies of "The Lusty Argonian Maid" in a little alcove...along with some dirty linen wraps.
Neloth: Please, oh hero of Skyrim. Please find Varona. I shall be ever so grateful.
Another Deadpan Snarker moment: in Nchardak, if you pick up all the cubes instead of putting them all on their pedestals, you'll flood the room, and then:
Neloth: I'm quite sure the boilers will not work while they're underwater.
If he comes upon a dead body, he may comment, "Hmm. I'll have to get someone to bring this back to my lab."
In Nchardak at one point, he chooses, for some reason, to jump off a bridge to a lower level (even though it's high enough to take fall damage), rather than doing what any sensible person would do: take the stairs.
He apparently likes to swear by the Daedric Princes. One entertaining example is, "By Malacath's toenails, where did that come from?"
When Neloth is fighting if he gets hit enough times he may utter in a very pissed tone:
Neloth: By Malacath's hairy knuckles, you will pay for that!
To his apprentice: "You still need to give me that skin sample." One wonders how much skin.
It is entirely possible to play as a Deadpan Snarker - there are quite a few amusing dialogue lines. Possibly the earliest is this:
Balgruuf: So. You were at Helgen? You saw this dragon with your own eyes?
The "Throw Voice" shout lets the player throw his/her voice somewhere as a distraction. This also provides the only voice-acted lines from the Dovahkiin (other than grunts and Dragon Shouts), most of which are insults like "Hey, skeever butt!" and "Hey, melon nose!" Made even funnier if you imagine the context in certain situations; e.g. a Draugr is wandering around a crypt when suddenly he hears, "You're ugly!" and immediately rushes to the source of the sound with homicidal intent. He may be a reanimated shambling corpse of a long-dead dragon cultist who now resembles a mummified skeleton with rotting flesh, but, by the Nine, nobody calls him ugly!
When you first meet Isran, try asking him what he plans to do about the vampires. He will note that he needs to fix up the fort, since a vampire could walk right in the front door as it stands. This becomes hilarious if the player happens to be a vampire.
Could also be kind of a Brick Joke and Lampshade Hanging, since it's exactly what Serana ends up doing later on if you side with the Dawnguard.
Phinis Gestor's lecture on College policy is somewhat amusing. Highlights include:
Urag has asked me to remind everyone to please return materials borrowed from the Arcanaeum in the same condition as you received them. If this is impossible due to misuse or accident, Urag recommends finding a replacement copy to deliver to the Arcanaeum. Failure to do so will result in paying, in Urag's words, "a blood price." I did not ask him to elaborate on that point.
While Drevis appreciates the spellcasting skill that went into somehow cramming several hundred apples into his pillow... He would ask that it please not happen again. He has suggested that, should he find out who is responsible, he is well versed in making things disappear permanently.
The "Big Strong Man" NPC dialogue that randomly takes place among a group of NPCs consisting of several women and at least one man, where the man tries to impress the ladies by hoping he gets referred to as such, only to get hilariously rebuffed and laughed at, and he sulks off, calling them "harpies".
An unintentional one: in French, "Fus Ro Dah" can easily be Mondegreened as "Pousse toi d'la", which means... "Get out of the way."
One that's easy to miss, but amusing when you see it. In Fort Dunstad, a group of bandits are running an illegal Skeever fight ring. If you go to the second floor, you'll find several cheese wheels, one of which has been sliced, with the slice itself laying next to it. Where's the funny part? The fact that a woodcutter's axe is embedded into the table between them.
In the quest "Lost to the Ages" from Dawnguard, you have to assist the ghost of a dead archaeologist named Katria to achieve the goal she died trying to accomplish. As you explore the Dwemer ruin, you find her corpse. If you choose to loot the corpse and take the armor, leaving her naked, Katria's ghost will complain that you could have at least leave her some dignity.
In that same quest, after you retrieve the Aetherium Crest, the tower begins to rise. Your next objective? Stand clear.
Faldar's Tooth is a random bandit hideout near Riften but has some very subtle humor in a Villains Out Shopping way:
When you first get there the bandits try to sic the guard wolves on you with the expected stereotypical dialogue.
Then you get inside and learn they're running a wolf fighting pit only to come up behind two of them who are placing bets.
When you brawl, one of the lines screamed by Lydia is "Twelve Septims on the big one." However, she will say this even if your opponent is a Nord or an Orc, and you are not playing as either of those. She literally bets against her own Thane.
In Fort Greymoor there is a sweet little old lady named Agnis who cooks and cleans for the bandits, she sweetly explains this to you "right while you're in the middle of slaughtering them!"
Probably due to a bug, but when you first visit Jorrvaskr, Athis and Njada are engaging in a fist fight. Sometimes before the fight ends, Athis will run around every corner of the place, tripping over everything on the ground while Njada gives chase, spouting insults at him.
Neloth initially doesn't do anything to stop people from building shrines around Solstheim's element stones... because he just wants to see what happens when they finish!
Pretty much everything about the Rieklings. For starters, even they get sucked into Miraak's shrine-building project, complete with one who just bows down to the stone all day long. Then there's the "Chief of Thirsk Hall" quest if you ally with them.
One of the very first things you see in the game, when you arrive in Helgen, the horse who pulled your cart clips its head through a stone wall during its idle movements once it stops. Yup, this is definitely a Bethesda game.
Occasionally a courier will appear in nothing but his skivvies and a few odd pieces of gear. Despite this, he'll still hand you the letters and run off without ever bringing up his lack of clothes. Now that's dedication.
That's nothing; the courier can nonchalantly deliver you a letter while you're fighting Odahviing on the great porch!
Visit the Temple of Kynareth in Whiterun, and sometimes the two patients there (a wounded solder and a sickly farmer) aren't always lying down. Instead, they seem to be afflicted with some kind of dancing sickness.
Sometimes the ragdoll physics don't act nice, and bodies might end up jiggling about and such after dying. And then there's this.
The notes from Hired Thugs are just ripe with potential hilarity. Bugs include getting thugs sent to you by characters you haven't even met yet, dead characters (one hysterical version of this is a Forsworn Briarheart sending the thugs to kill you from beyond the grave, because you stole his Briar Heart) and even animals (the Death Hounds of Castle Volkihar, for example).
A posted comment at one of the Elder Scrolls wikis reports that not even Dragons are excempt from this. And even in that case, it's not just any dragon...
The same wiki forum reports other hilarious cases, such as:
Members of the Dark Brotherhood (including the Night Mother)
Pelagius Septim III
Maiq the Liar
Your own Spouse
Lord Harkon and family (including Serana, and while she's your current follower)
Other Hired Thugs! (yes, apparently they can send themselves)
Forsworn Briarhearts, if you kill them by pickpocketing their briarhearts.
While the Unrelenting Force shout is already a major source of humor, the Ice Form shout has its own hilarity when combined with the game's already buggy ragdoll physics. Because this attack does not outright kill the target, if the said targeted unit still has some health left after the effect of the shout subsides, the result is a hilarious case of No One Could Survive That. Observe.
Dragon Priests are among the scariest and deadliest foes in the game. However a rare design flaw apparently overlooked by the developers can make one look rather silly. Because they were designed to be hidden in coffins when concealed or idle, thus in a prone position, it seems the devs never thought to properly put one in a chair, resulting in this awkward situation◊ (one of the objectives in the "A Taste of Death" quest, which can happen if you do the quest at a high enough level; the seat is normally occupied by a Draugr Deathlord, which does have a proper sitting animation).
If you enter Morvunskar any time after "A Night To Remember" you may find Sanguine fighting with the enemies. It seems the Daedric Prince of Hedonism isn't bad with a blade.
Bethesda & Valve
In a contest, in exchange for getting every Bethesda game free for life, a person who was due to have a child on 11/11/11 (Skyrim's release date) would have to name their child Dovahkiin. The disclaimer is as goes:
"Any reward for completing this quest will not ultimately justify the potential teasing your child could — and probably will — endure over its lifespan. Bethesda Softworks is not responsible for your parenting. You may gain experience points for completing this quest, but you will not care at 3am on a work night. Completion of this quest may also result in decreased desire to play video games and/or function as a human being. Consult with your friends before embarking on this quest; while it may not start in prison, it probably ends there."
"Dad, I levelled up" "That's nice, son." "Dad, are you dragons?" "Yes, I am ALL the dragons."
"Some call me space junk. Me.... I call me treasure!"
And better still, you can craft a unique helmet with it.
And that you can find Wheatley floating around the perk constellations.
Even the new loading screens that come with it have ridiculous texts. For example:
Space is the thing you see above Tamriel when you're walking around outside with your head tilted back.
Space Spheres, also known as the Spheriphem, are natives of space, and will cajole adventurers to help them return to that comforting void.
From the mod's description:
Also, since Skyrim was the only major release of 2011 without Nolan North in it, you should consider this mod a patch to fix that problem. You can now feel free to include Skyrim in the "Nolan North" section of your video game library, which is to say, your video game library.
A moment from the "Making of Skyrim" video that came with the collector's edition:
Mark Lampert: You've come all the way to Skyrim, you're at the tip of the continent here. The guys are big and burly and have beards, the women are big and burly and have beards, and everyone's handy with an axe.
Phenderix Magic Evolved (Mod) has a spell named Gale Wave, an air elemental spell. Its function? A continuous stream of Fus Ro Dahs, at about 5 full power shouts per second. It affects any unconscious enemies, as well, allowing you to fling them off of ramp-like rocks so high that you can't see them anymore! Sometimes, they'll even get right back up after flying and falling thousands of feet up.
Perhaps the funniest yet most lore friendly of all mods: the Call of Madness mod, which is inspired by the Daedric Prince of Madness, Sheogorath. This packages comes in two parts:
A new Shout whose words (Random, Insanity, Cheeze!) each do very different things all related to Sheogorath. The first word does the same effect of the Wabbajack. The second word summons Sheogorath himself to assist in battle, wielding his own Wabbajack (as a bonus, he can cast Fireball attacks, and better, he can Shout - at least one YouTube video shows him doing Unrelenting Force and Ice Form). The third word? A hilarious perversion of Alduin's Meteor Storm shout, where instead of burning rocks, it rains... CHEESE! And when you perform the full shout with the 3rd word, you'll hear Sheogorath yell "CHEESE! FOR EVERYONE!"
A set of weapons, armor, and spellbooks found in a chest (aka Sheogorath's Fun Chest of Fun) with their own hilarious descriptions, which includes: spells that fling Cheese and other foodstuffs, a dagger with Wabbajack enchantment, a sword, an axe, and a bow that cause your enemies to explode into wine when killed, a snappy outfit with its own enchantments, a pair of boots that let you walk on water, and, most of all, a staff that flings wagons. And to add to the humor, to improve some of them at a blacksmith's shop will require the weirdest Noodle Implements ever. For instance, the Dagger (aka Sheogorath's Razor) requires an Ebony Ingot, a Daedra Heart, and... a Cabbage.
And here's an example of the Wagon Priest Staff in action, especially when used at close range. And one side effect of it? Well it has to do with the game's buggy ragdoll physics, and some spinning.
This mod allows Dovahkiin to point his rear at foes and fart shouts at them. Immature? Yes. Funny? Absolutely.
Someone made a mod that makes you the High King of Skyrim, with all the perks that comes with. Nazeem getting on your nerves? Send him to the mines to work til he dies. Kids pestering you? Order them executed. Fed up with Maven being a Villain SueKarma Houdini? Toss her in jail with a single word. It really is amazing how much easier the Dovahkiin's life would be if people would just listen to his authority once in a while.
You can also order any random person to act as you personal bodyguard. Sit back and relax while the Ebony Warrior and some random kid off the street beat the shit out of dragons on your behalf!
There is a mod out called "Better Vampires", which allows the player to configure aspects of their vampirism to be harder or easier to play as one, or even go all-out Blade/Daywalker, getting all the good stuff, without any of drawbacks. Where it gets funny though, is that a player can use the vampiric Domination lesser Power on an enemy and forcibly make them a Follower for a short while, not unlike the Soul Tear shout does. If that new 'follower' then gets slain, either by your enemies or yourself, there is a chance you will end up meeting a Courier a while later, who will give you a "Letter of Inheritance".. Granting you, indeed, an inheritance. Courtesy of the mindless puppet you (got) killed after turning them on their friends.
One particular modder by the name of Fancy Pantz tends to create content that adheres strictly to bizarre humor, like so.
A mod exists to make Miraak a follower. Like Serana, he will interact with the environment, using crafting stations and sitting on chairs and benches while you go about business. This also leads to some very amusing behavior like watching him fill up a tankard at a keg, lay down on a bedroll while you're looting a bandit lair, and use switches to keep opening and closing gates you're trying to pass through. Makes forsome interestingAlternate Character Interpretation, that's for sure.
Press Heart To Continue made a video discussing the implications of being half-dragon, half-man. The implication being that, at some point, someone had to have sex with a dragon.
Youtube videogamer Robbaz (King of Sweden) does the occasional Skyrim gameplay videos, but what makes his particularly amusing is how he goes about doing quests with a Horker follower aptly named Walrus. Hilarity Ensues.
Some of the Mondegreens for the Draconic chanting are hilarious:
Use a soul pendulum, don't be fooled, no one knows. A moose tunnel will pay the popcorn. And then Sean Penn who'll in will buy a ruby cross. Nobody, nobody, for the sake of Stalin What a night, no hope, when they rob us blind. Have no hope of god, when something blows up. Nobody, found him, mobile random fly!
Starting at around 27:54 in this Dawnguard playthrough, they prepare to fight Vyrthur. One of the guys saves the game just before the battle, talking about how difficult the fight was on his other game, and once the battle starts, he gets all ready, summoning stuff and preparing weapons. He unpauses... and his Hakon One-Eye that he summoned immediately blasts Vyrthur off the cliff with Fus Ro Dah. They're quite impressed with this.
This video. Don't get in the way of the Greybeards when they're practicing their Shouts!
The former top comment also deserves a special mention:
Borri: Oh god, that was great, lets fool another one to thinking he's Dragonborn and do this again
Or this comment...
Borri: Hey, you know that guy, the only one in existence who can defeat the dragons? The one our order has been waiting for centuries to guide in saving the world? Yeah, I just blasted him off the mountain.