Funny: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
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The main game
- The "Delayed Burial" mission at Loreius Farm, most likely many players' first encounter with Cicero.
Cicero: Agh! Bother and befuddle! Stuck here! STUCK! My mother, my poor mother. Unmoving. At rest, but too still! [...] Poor Cicero is stuck. Can't you see? I was transporting my dear, sweet mother. Well, not her. Her corpse! She's quite dead. I'm taking mother to a new home. A new crypt. But... aggh! WAGON WHEEL! DAMNEDEST WAGON WHEEL! It broke! Don't you see? [...] Oh. Oh yes! Yes, the kindly stranger can certainly help! Go to the farm - the Loreius Farm. Just over there, off the road. Talk to Loreius. He has tools! He can help me! But he won't! He refuses! Convince Loreius to fix my wheel! Do that, and poor Cicero will reward you. With coin! Gleamy, shiny coin!
- When you have convinced Loreius, try not joining the Dark Brotherhood. When you pass by the farm again while doing other quests, Cicero will still be there, waiting for his wheel to get fixed.
- The Dark Brotherhood questline has plenty:
A big doggie chasing after a little kitten. How cute.
- On the mission to join the Dark Brotherhood, you'll be given the mission from a child, who asks you to kill a cruel old woman who runs an orphanage. Do it and the children will find out. They will cheer.
- After doing the above mission, stick around and listen to the children talk. Cue one orphan: "Kill one person and you can solve so many problems! I wonder at the possibilities..." Feels good to know you're providing for the future of the Dark Brotherhood with such lovable little psychopaths.
- One of the just-for-money side quests you do for the Brotherhood has you killing an orc bard, Lurbuk, also known as "The Worst Bard in Tamriel". Your quest giver tells you they got so many requests to kill him they held a lottery to determine which contract to honor.
- Should you spare Cicero, he'll eventually wait outside of the Dawnstar sanctuary for you and, upon seeing you, will mock you for your mercy and tell you that he should be the Listener in a gleeful voice more poisonous than his knives. He laughs maniacally and then... tells you that he's just messing with you and he'll be downstairs if you need him.
- If you try to enter the aforementioned sanctuary before you know the answer to the door's riddle ("What is life's greatest illusion?"), your only choices will be:
"Um....the one where you saw a lady in half?"
"Being happily married?"
"Dreams are reality, and reality is really a dream?"
- Before that, the first sanctuary asks you "What is the music of life?" and your answers will be:
"Um, the lute? No, drums!"
"Some kind of choir. With chanting."
- One Dark Brotherhood quest has the player impersonating a master chef... by channeling a very Large Ham and (potentially) a Cordon Bleugh Chef.
Dovahkiin: DO NOT QUESTION THE GOURMET!
- Potential ingredients include a sweetroll, Vampire Dust, a Giant's Toe and a Septim gold coin. The amusing thing about this is you can decline to add the poisoned herb and serve the signature stew to "the Emperor" and the other guest nobles to see their reactions...and it's every bit as good as they thought it'd be!
- Alternatively, in keeping with a Dark Brotherhood conversation gimmick, you can successfully maintain your guise as the master chef by remaining completely silent throughout the cooking process and the assistant chef will take it as a test without suspicion.
- Pretty much anything said by the members of the Dark Brotherhood when you first meet them, such as Babette retelling how she killed her last mark (who was apparently a pedophile) or her comment on Arnbjorn's contract on a Khajiit Monk.
- When reading Cicero's journal, one entry in particular sticks out: When contracted to kill the Arena's Grand Champion, he decides to pose as an adoring fan in order to get into the champion's good graces.
- Everyone in the Dark Brotherhood has something funny to say at one point or another. "Well, you know what they say. When life gives you lemons, go murder a clown."
- The Dark Brotherhood provides industry-leading murder, mayhem, and sarcasm.
Nazir: Congratulations. You slaughtered an emaciated beggar in cold blood. You are truly an opponent to be feared.
- Another one from Nazir:
Nazir: I hear the mining business is extremely cutthroat. And those hours... they're murder. I could do this all day.
- Even the introduction to the Dark Brotherhood is fairly funny, as you are tasked with killing three bound and bagged prisoners: a mercenary with the sobriquet "the Fearless" who begs for mercy, a Jerkass Nord woman who scolds you, and an Affably Evil Khajiit who's thoroughly unimpressed with his predicament.
- Go back to the abandoned shack later in the game. If you chose to kill one prisoner or two, the remaining prisoner(s) are simply left in the shack by Astrid still bound and bagged.
- After you kill your target, you can loot the execution hood they were wearing then put it on. From a realistic standpoint, everything your character does while wearing it will be based on them relying on their hearing.
- Most of what Festus Krex says is this, considering he's the grumpy old man of the group. Most notable is is introduction.
Festus: Do what I do. Walk up to the target, introduce yourself, melt their skin off and run like the wind! Works every time!
- The quest "A Night To Remember". It starts off with a drinking contest with a guy named Sam Guevine (a.k.a. Sanguine). Next thing you know, you wake up in a temple on the other side of the world map, having trashed the place and molested the holy statuary (it is a temple to the goddess of love and beauty) while ranting about marriage and a goat, according to the priestess yelling at you. You must retrace your steps from there (after cleaning the temple), likely causing more mayhem along the way.
- Oh, and the player's fiancee? A hagraven. Even better: This specific part doesn't change even if the player is female.
- It's also possible that you stole a wedding ring from Ysolda, who is a candidate for marriage. Meaning you may have stolen your own wife's wedding ring to give to another woman. And her dialogue doesn't change if this is the case. You were so eloquent in your drunken declarations of love for a hagraven that Ysolda is perfectly willing to step aside and let you two kids be happy together.
- During the quest where the player has to track down Esbern to his hideout in Riften's sewers, the player finds him and convinces him that they are a friend of a friend, so he unlocks the door he was speaking behind. It takes about ten different locks before the door opens, and after looking inside the player can see each one (and about three or four sturdy chains keeping the door shut).
- After you beat Alduin, if you go back to Delphine, she lampshades you riding off to the final battle on the back of Odahviing, a dragon who just turned traitor.
Delphine: I heard you left Whiterun on the back of a dragon; even for you, that's a bit flashy.
- If you practice your alchemy, the town guards will ask you for an ale. Kinda got it backwards, there, dude.
- If you get a high enough conjuration skill, guards will ask you if you could conjure a warm bed for them. If you have the mod Frostfall, you can conjure up a bed with a master or expert-level spell!
- A random encounter involves a thief ambushing you and demanding that you hand over all of your money. One of your possible responses is to just tell the thief that you "don't have time for this" and walk away. The thief will still attack you, but his astonished shout of "Hey...don't you walk away from me!" because you blew off his mugging attempt is simply hilarious.
- If you're part of the Guild, you can yell at him for trying to rob a fellow member. His response is basically "...sorry..."
- You can get mugged even when/if you're playing as a transformed werewolf. That bandit's got cojones.
- Becomes even more funny if you're Guild Master. You yell at him for trying to rob his boss, then get him to hand over all his coin as punishment.
- In a dungeon at Labyrinthian (only accessible late in the College of Winterhold questline), you find a hidey hole for a rogue Conjurer. You find his skeletal remains sitting in a chair, with a Draugr axe embedded at the head spot for the chair, and an opened and empty Draugr casket on the wall behind the chair. The thing is, there's a lightning rune on the only entrance. That unfortunate conjurer was very thorough in making sure the threats stayed outside the room...
- In Riften, you can completely BS your way through a conversation about magic experiments with Wylandriah, the castle's mage. The best part? The nonsense you pull out of your ass will actually help her. Or it would, anyway, if she didn't forget by the end of the conversation just what problem she'd been trying to solve.
- Similarly, when joining the Bard's College in Solitude, your first quest is to find King Olaf's Verse in order to convince the Jarl to allow them to continue burning an effigy of Olaf during a festival. However, once you find the Verse, half of it is smudged and impossible to read. So you and the headmaster decide to pull the other half of the verse out of your ass, making for a spectacularly weird poem. And guess what? It manages to convince Elisif to allow the festival to continue! And as an added bonus, if during the process of fixing the poem you choose the option that includes "(Persuade)", which would usually be the most BS option, you'll improve your Speech skill in the process Further humor from this tall tale: you may think saying Olaf One-Eye was a "Dragon in human form" is implausible... but what is the Player Character again?
- In "The Fallen," when you actually catch Odahviing in Dragonsreach and don't immediately agree to let him go so he can take you to the final dungeon, mild hilarity ensues. Farengar, the court wizard, will come out and try to take "samples" from Odahviing. Cue him spewing fire into the sky in rage and Farengar running like a dog with his tail between his legs back into the palace. You can watch the whole thing here.
Irileth: Farengar, very bad idea. Even for you.
- Farengar explains to Odahviing that he wants to perform a few tests, all purely in the interests of the advancement of knowledge. When Farengar is done talking, Odahviing first turns to you with an expression that screams: "Is this guy serious?" and only then turns back to Farengar to rebuke him.
- In the same quest, after you Shout for Odahviing, there is a moment of tense silence before the sound of flapping wings can be heard. A guard standing on the porch murmurs "Did you hear that?" It takes about two seconds for him to literally vanish from the frame - Odahviing swoops down and snatches him out of his shield. The sheer suddenness makes it absolutely hilarious. If this happens and you are able to keep your sights on Odahviing long enough, you'll see that he snatched the guard not to eat him, but rather to fling him into the air.
- If you're very, very lucky and have perfect timing, you can speak to the guard before he gets snatched, and he'll spout one of the standard-issue guard lines. One of them can be the "I used to be an adventurer like you...." line, but Odahviing will snatch him up before he finishes.
- The correct tense would be "knew" you.
- At the start of the quest, Balgruuf's reaction when the Dragonborn cheerfully asks to use Dragonsreach to capture Odahviing. Even after reluctantly agreeing to the plan, he still seems unsure whether the Dragonborn is utterly bonkers, Crazy Awesome or both?!
- Wuunferth the Unliving, Ulfric's court mage, offers a very snappy one-liner.
Dragonborn: Does Ulfric have much need for magic?
Wuunferg: No, but then I don't have much need for Ulfric.
- Brelyna Maryon from the College of Winterhold will ask the Dragonborn to help her practice some new spells she's been working on. In the process she accidentally ends up tinting the viewpoint green and transforming the player into various farm animals before figuring out how to revert everything to normal. Afterwards she thanks the Dragonborn for their patience and both agree never to speak of the experience again.
- While you're waiting out the green spell, take a peek at the Active Effects listing.
- Similarly, you can help J'zargo test some scrolls: a variant of Flame Cloak that causes undead to explode. When you return to him, one of the dialogue options is, "Were they supposed to explode? Because they exploded." Doubles as a reference to Fallout 3.
- Sheogorath's dialogue in his Daedric Quest.
Do you mind? I'm doing the fishstick! It's a very delicate state of mind!
Now, you're asking yourself, can I use my swords and sneaking and spells and all that? Sure, sure...or... you could use... THE WABBAJACK!
By whom [were you asked to talk to me]? Wait! Don't tell me! I want to guess! Was it Molag? No, no - little Tim, the toymaker's son? The ghost of King Lysandus? Or was it - yes! Stanley, the talking grapefruit from Passwall!
Clothes, check. Beard, check. Luggage...hmm...now where did I leave my luggage? (Said luggage is the quest-giver.)
- When preparing to go back to his realm, he goes through a checklist of everything he needs.
...Apart from that Martin fellow, but he turned into a dragon god and that's hardly sporting. You know, I was there for that whole sordid affair. Butterflies (the room where you first meet Haskill), blood (Blood of the Daedra/Divines), a Fox (The Grey Fox), a severed head (Dark Brotherhood quest), and the CHEESE!! To die for. (What the old Sheogorath used to talk about.)
- Sheogorath's monologue that hints that he may very well have been your character from Oblivion:
Sheogorath: Oh, Pelagius, what would the people do without you? Laugh? Sing? Smile? (giggles) Grow old?
- And ol' Pelly is impatient and long-suffering through the whole conversation because he just wants to get back to decapitating people.
Oh, you just don't understand! Without him, I am not free! Without him I am doomed! All of his empire shall fall into chaos![Beat]Until next time.
- The hilarity starts right at the quest giver! Since the dialogue string that starts the quest also ends the dialogue, Dervenin ends up adding a generic farewell to his speech, occasionally leaving us with this gem:
- With really good timing, you can kill an enemy who's rushing towards you, just as they're swinging their sword, and they'll go head over heels past you. If there's a wall behind you, they can end up leaning against the wall, upside down.
- Spoken by a random bandit while attacking you, if you are playing as a Khajiit:
"You remind me of my cousin's cat. I killed that, too!"
- You can pull this off too, when doing one of the side quests of the Dark Brotherhood, where you're tasked to kill the Khajiit named Ma'randru-jo. You can taunt him into attacking you, and one of the options is:
"I'll beat you up like a housecat!"
- You can pull this off too, when doing one of the side quests of the Dark Brotherhood, where you're tasked to kill the Khajiit named Ma'randru-jo. You can taunt him into attacking you, and one of the options is:
- At any point in the game when you're fighting a Bandit/Forsworn/mob that is capable of human speech, and they start taunting you with something like "Is that all you got?" while in mid-sentence you already killed them in a single blow. Bonus points if you did an execution animation or your horse takes the kill.
- You can decapitate people only for them to shout NEVER SHOULD HAVE COME HERE! as their head flies off.
- During Malacath's quest, you have to clear out a cave for a lazy Orc so that he can kill a giant that's occupying Malacath's shrine. Once you get to the shrine, the Orc tries to bribe you to kill the giant for him, too. You can accept the bribe, or tell him to do it himself. He replies, "Fine. This should only take a second." If you do the latter, watch as he flies through the air due to the famous giant's hammer glitch. Best of all, Malacath's dialogue afterwards indicates that he heartily approves of this.
- After one of the civil war quests, you can find Hadvar, and he had this to say:
Hadvar: Dragonborn, huh? So, was it your ma or your pa that was the dragon?
- Narfi, the beggar in Ivarstead, is supposed to be a harmless loon. If you complete the quest to learn about his sister's whereabouts, he'll give you three random alchemy ingredients. The randomness will sometimes fly in the face of his harmless reputation...
Player: Let's see. Human heart. Daedra heart. Briar Heart. Everything a harmless beggar could possibly acquire with ease.
- When you first go visit the Greybeards, there is a frost troll blocking your way. Why kill him yourself when you can let four old men beat him to a pulp?
- Right before you exit the Labyrinthian dungeon with the Staff of Magnus, a lone Thalmor mage tries to kill you to prevent you from interfering with Ancano. He arrogantly boasts that you have no chance of beating him. This, after you fought through a dungeon full of Draugr, skeletons, a skeletal dragon, and a dragon priest. It takes about two seconds to kill him.
"I'll let you live, this time."
- He also seems to have forgotten that the staff you went through so much trouble to get absorbs magicka, which he as a squishy Altmer mage relies on. Truly Too Dumb to Live.
- Also, if you sheathe your weapon during the fight, he actually stops fighting.
- Since this is one of the few conversations for which you're not frozen still, you can straight up run up to him and beat his face in before he finishes his dialogue.
- The Soup Spoon of Ysgramor...which is a fork.
"Now, I know what you're thinking - that's not a spoon, it's a fork! No one can eat soup with a fork. Well, my friend, you did not know Ysgramor."
- Some of the guards' comments about what weapon/armor you're wielding are quite humorous. For example, if you're wielding Volendrung
Guard: (Whistles) That...is a big hammer.
Guard: What are you going to do with that thing? Bring a house down?
Guard: (Whistles) Who did you have to kill to get that blade?
- One in particular if you're wielding Mehrunes' Razor, which required you to kill Silus after he reassembled it:
- Sometimes they're not very humourous when taken in general, but can be rendered so by context... Like a Rift guard talking about how she, too, prefers one-handed weapons, while she has a Warhammer strapped to her back.
- If you get near enough to an NPC, they will usually make a comment. Sometimes random, sometimes not. However, the comment might not change, regardless of circumstances, leading to things like this gem of a quote from Farkas, the Companion, just after Vilkas ran past him.
Farkas: My brother Vilkas is the talkative one. He's around somewhere.
- "If I had a septim for every case of Rockjoint or Witbone I've cured since I opened this shop, I'd be a rich woman indeed." This is coming from Arcadia, who easily charges 240 septims for a Cure Disease potion.
- As you near completion of the Forbidden Legend quest to reform the Gauldur Amulet and defeat the archmage's three patricidal sons in a Boss Rush, the three prepare their weapons as if to attack you all at once... only for the three of them to turn around as Gauldur himself rises from the grave. Their next line is the only comprehensible Draugr line in the game.
- Farkas, the big werewolf guy you're paired up with in the companion quests? The one who, according to Skjor, has the strength of Ysgramor? He later tells you he can't go on through the rest of a tomb because there are spiders ahead, and ever since you and he went through Dustman's Cairn, he's been terrified of spiders.
- Take off your armor in front of non-hostile NPCs. Their reactions are hilarious.
- In a region of Eastmarch, there's a watery area that includes hot springs, and at the southwestern tip is a camp with a few hunters lounging around with their clothes off in the hot water. The silly part comes if you decide to also take off your armor in their presence - they react to your state of undress the same way as people in a normal town, even if they themselves are undressed.
- Kayd of Solitude's reaction is so wonderfully blunt: "Naked! Nakednakednaked!"
- Jawanan in Solitude says "Umm...You got no clothes on. You should get some."
- Degaine in Markarth is great too. "Either I'm drunk, or you're naked. Possibly both."
- The Wabbajack. Turning a guard into a chicken? Quite funny. Turning a guard into a pile of gold? Amusing. Turning a guard into the very sweetroll they often talk about? Pure hilarity. Of course, when it backfires and turns a (relatively) harmless orc into a Dremora warrior, armed to the teeth with weapons and armor, that isn't nearly as funny.
- Witness the Wabbajack in action here, where it's used to turn an aggressive Blood Dragon into a bunny, which then simply hops off.
- Another effect of the Wabbajack, which happens very rarely, makes Sheogorath himself appear and do a little jig.
- The first parts of the "A Daedra's Best Friend" quest are extremely funny, particularly when meeting Barbas the dog, who, to the Dragonborn's surprise, talks telepathically with a Yiddish accent. Barbas even calls out on the Dragonborn's surprise by pointing out that dragons and Khajiit exist, so he (Barbas) shouldn't be too unusual. The Reveal, however, changes the tone of things a bit.
"One of Clavicus's little jests. A wizard named Sebastian Lort had a daughter who worshipped Hircine. When the daughter became a werewolf it drove Sebastian over the edge. He couldn't stand to see his little girl take on such a bestial form. The wizard wished for the ability to end his daughter's curse. Clavicus gave him an axe."
- When you talk to Clavicus Vile, you have three dialogue options: one saying you simply want to return Barbas to him, one saying you want to end the civil war, and one saying you want power. If you pick the second, he replies that if he were at full power, he'd simply snap his fingers and everyone in Skyrim would die. If you pick the third, he retorts that "you already have more power than most people who aren't immense fire-breathing monsters."
- Talk to Barbas after Clavicus sends you to get the Rueful Axe and he'll tell you its history:
- You can play as anything in Skyrim if you're on the PC. A chicken? No problem, the village people now idolize you. A horse? Have fun being targeted by anything and everything. A dragon? The bane of existence sounds fun, right? A sweetroll? Yep. All you need to do is use /tc as a console command, and point at the thing in question. Hilarity ensues.
- One Fetch Quest in Markath has the local alchemist hire you to deliver a Stallion's Potion to the elderly Steward Raerek. When you deliver it to him, the embarrassed Raerek thanks you and gives you a 750 gold tip for your discretion.
- Fun with voice acting: during the Dark Brotherhood questline, if you kill Nilsine Shatter-Shield in Windhelm, Tova Shatter-Shield commits suicide. Now, every time you meet Torbjorn Shatter-Shield in the streets, he, for some reason, says "My favorite drinkin' buddy!" in that nasal beggar voice... and then, when you end conversation, he bids you farewell in his own, much deeper voice by saying: "Please forgive my mood... I'm still coming to terms with the death of my wife and daughters."
- One of the "Fine Hat" models in the game is a red stocking cap with a furry lining. Wear it with a red coat and give your character a white beard for instant Badass Santa!
- A free tip for anyone hoping to preserve a sense of gravitas during the climax of the civil war questline - when taking Windhelm, don't use the ol' Fus Ro Dah during the final encounter with Ulfric. It's kinda hard for your opponent to die with dignity when his Famous Last Words are muffled from lying in a crumbled heap face-down on the floor with his ass sticking up in the air. But it adds irony!
- A similarly funny scene can happen for players who are fond of using the Paralysis spell or a Paralysis enchanted weapon: after disposing of Galmar, a lucky hit on Ulfric will make him freeze into a (usually) awkward pose (such as arms and legs bent this way and that with the head facing off to the side), then keel over. Then while he's down, after hitting him enough until Tullius start talking, one will be treated to a scene of Tullius, Rikke, and the PC standing over Ulfric who's looking like a fallen Greek statue and, when talking, moving only his mouth and facing the side.
- The story behind the name of the Drunken Huntsman in Whiterun.
- The level 100 Pickpocket perk lets you steal the clothes your target is wearing, leaving them walking around in their underwear completely unaware that anything has happened.
- If you do this with a Forsworn Briar-Heart's briar heart, the resulting theft makes them drop dead. That's not the end of the story. You might be ambushed by some uncouth louts at a later date, who were hired by the Briar-Heart that got his heart pick-pocketed. He apparently got up, hired those momentary distractions, then dropped dead again. As far as the game is concerned, it counts as a theft.
- One of the random conversations you can overhear in the Thieves' Guild has Vex yelling at Delvin that the ship they hit was worthless. Delvin protests he was sure he overheard someone say it was a shipment of furs and should be worth a lot. Vex snaps that the individual in question said "firs", not "furs" — it was a shipment of lumber.
- The fact that your character's combat statistics display the number of bunnies they slaughtered.
- The game has a number of quirks related to their mad libs questing system. When you Shout in a populated area, you'll sometimes later get an anonymous letter stating that you caused quite a stir and not everyone is happy to see you back, but the writer wants to help you so go check out location X to find another source of power and kill a dragon. But you can occasionally get this same message after Shouting in, for instance, a tomb filled only with the undead. You can even get this letter by Shouting at Sky Haven Temple, where the only witnesses are your fellow Blades, all of whom are already helping you fulfill your potential as the Dragonborn and slay dragons.
- You can even get one for the Throat of the World when speaking with Paarthurnax for the first time. Apparently the dragon didn't appreciated getting a Thu'um in the face as much as he claimed.
- Even better, you can also get one after using a shout in the Soul Cairn... where literally everybody, apart from you and your companion, is a disembodied soul.
- The civilians' reactions to corpses can be hilarious; no matter whose body it is, they'll all say "Oh, what happened?" in the case of adults, and "Ah! Dead body!" in the case of children. For instance, you can drag the corpse of Roggvir, the guy who gets executed in Solitude right in front of the entire town, into the street. Cue the entire population acting as if the body had randomly dropped out of the sky. Another funny time was when Weylin gets killed at the start of the Forsworn Conspiracy, it is entirely possible for all of the town drunks (who use the same voice) to cluster around Weylin and Margret's corpses, simultaneously saying "Oh, what happened?"
- Likewise, during the quest to rescue a girl from a band of Forsworn and bring her back to the Temple of Dibella, she reacts to every single dead Forsworn (all killed by you of course on the way in) your group passes by on the way out of the ruined fort, which is both annoying and funny.
- By themselves, two-handed weapons are amusing, if only for the sheer brutality. But combine two-handed weapons with a female Breton or Imperial deliberately modeled for minimum weight, and you get to watch this tiny girl who can barely reach the chest of most Nords, wielding battleaxes bigger than she is, running around walloping fools.
- Most of the two-handed weapon death animations are hilarious for this exact reason. Most of the one handed weapons have a sense of gravitas and theatrics to them, grabbing the person before sticking them etc. A greatsword can either net you a humorously overkill cinematic where the Dovahkiin either 1) just hacks away at the unwitting opponent and they collapse in a heap of presumably broken bones and gore, or 2), even funnier, just swings the sword once in a blow so absurdly powerful it knocks them away like the ultimate bitch slap.
- There is a mod allowing you to change the size of your character, including to shoulder-height on the game's kids (at least as the above-mentioned female Breton). One result of this can be seen here, where your character gets turned into a Cute Bruiser, and a finishing kill can end up looking like a Groin Attack.
- The Radiant AI can be pretty stupid when it comes to when lines are appropriate. This can lead to situations like this:
(After killing an Ancient Dragon, with amazingly no casualties, standing next to its arrow-ridden corpse)
Riverwood Guard: My cousin's out fighting dragons, and what do I get? Guard duty.
- Or it could indicate guard duty still is pretty boring.
- One of the early main-storyline quests involves an NPC who arranges to meet you by stealing the ancient horn you were supposed to be retrieving. When you finally meet up with her, she ends up giving back the item and then having a conversation with you whilst leaning forwards across a table giving you a good view of her cleavage. About halfway through the conversation, she utters the immortal line:
"Don't you trust me? I already gave you the horn."
- Time the quests right, and you can get Esbern to state emphatically that until you kill Parthunaax, he and the Blades will give you no aid at all in a tone that brooks no argument. Then ask him how to trap Odahviing and he will cheerfully tell you anything you want to know with nary a quibble.
- One that works for Imperial-aligned players only: after killing Ulfric Stormcloak, the courageous hero of the Stormcloaks, you can loot his body like any other. His weapon of choice? An iron axe with a fear enchant on it. It's even called Iron War Axe of Cowardice. Combine this with the fact that his favorite Thu'um is Unrelenting Force (which pushes enemies away from him), and you begin to get the idea that the great Jarl of Windhelm isn't quite as fearless as many Stormcloaks believe.
- When you get to the portal to Sovngarde, you'll likely have just learned the first word of Storm Call, the most powerful shout in the game. You see a Dragon Priest, one of the toughest bosses in the game. You'll likely try to use Storm Call on him... and in the process, provoke the two dragons perched nearby, making the situation even more difficult.
- A funny case of possibly accidental Did You Just Scam Cthulhu? towards the Daedric Princes. If you decide to become a werewolf during the Companions questline, you'll technically condemn yourself to hunting with Hircine in his realm after you die for all time. If you get far enough in the Thieves' Guild questline, you'll have to swear yourself to eternal service with Nocturnal. If you do both with one character, you just guaranteed two Eldritch Abominations are going to end up fighting over ownership of an immortal dragon soul upon your death (dragons being the children/physical manifestations/servants of Akatosh, just to add to the hilarity). Take into consideration that, according to Sheogorath in the Shivering Isles expansion, the Princes occasionally have little get-togethers, and the potential for "mommy and daddy are fighting again" jokes becomes endless. It gets better: According to Lucien (the Spectral Assassin), you are meant to serve Sithis after your death, and according to Tsun, Guardian of the bridge to the Hall of Valor, you will be welcome in Sovngarde... And last but not least, Hermaeus Mora also lays a claim on your soul in Dragonborn.
- One of the new kill cams added in the 1.5 patch has you essentially headbutt the enemy to death!
- Also fun/funny: Killing people by breaking their necks with your shield.
- One kill cam move has you twirling your sword around several times like a baton before slashing your opponent dead. It's something normally just for show in Real Life, and thus can look silly for some as a finisher, especially when you're using a dagger.
- Perhaps the most ridiculous finishing move involves knocking your opponent down on his/her back and simply walking all over them.
- The Word Wall containing the first word of the Shout for Elemental Fury (which is either at Dragontooth Crater, the Statue to Meridia, or Shriekwind Bastion, whichever you visit first) may not look all that funny - not if you can't read the Dovah language carved on the wall. When translated, it reads thus:
- Another Word Wall at Lost Tongue Overlook translates thusly:
Here lies (the) body of Bard
Romerius who tried (to) run from some
Goblins but slipped.
- Another Word Wall at Lost Tongue Overlook translates thusly:
- The following letter can be found in Wylandriah's area of Mistveil Keep:
Your letter sent to the College of Winterhold was rife with grammatical errors and incomplete thoughts, making them difficult to discern. Could you please clarify the points below for us to ensure we're on the same page?
We have no record of a "cloud emulsifier" device or anything involving the magical manipulation of clouds. Second, we can't send you a sample of the Heart of Lorkhan for experimentation, as no such sample exists. And finally, in the fourteenth paragraph of your letter, you mention a substance called "greenmote." We're assuming this was a simple mistake and you meant to write "greenspore." If that's the case we have contaminated skeever carcasses with the disease available if needed.
We'd also like to thank you for sending us your notes regarding your experiments, we've all had a quite a grand time reading them.
- Occasionally, dragons will screw up their landings, often in Epic Fail level ways, which will almost always treat you to the sight of a dragon overshooting his goal and making a long crater in the ground that usually doesn't end until he bashes his own head in, usually on the nearest mountain.
- There is a letter titled "Until Next Time" which you can grab off of the countertop of Haelga's Bunkhouse (Riften):
Sweet Haelga,Last night was the most wonderful night of my life. The things you showed me... the things we did... I could never have dreamt that it was possible. Who even knew that someone could manipulate their body in that manner while wearing Daedric armor boots? You are a true master of the Dibellan Arts, my love... a credit to your religion. Perhaps we'll meet again soon but next time, allow me to bring the trout.Your Secret Lover
- After you find the Alik'r prisoner in the dungeon, pay off his fine, and he tells you where to find his leader, he calls to the guards to let him out because his fine's been paid. The guard calls back, "I'm a little hard of hearing." When he finally gets there, after taking his sweet time, the prisoner repeats that his fine has been paid and he should be let out. The guard replies that he's "lost" his keys and that it will take him a while to find them.
- Ahzirr Traajijazeri, one of the numerous books you can find scattered across Skyrim, contains a fairly straightforward description of the Khajiit mentality... then the author hits a section titled "Enjoy Life." It starts with an advisement that, if the reader has not had sex recently, to put the book down and take care of that.
Life is short. If you have not made love recently, please, put down this book, and take care of that with all haste. Find a wanton lass or a frisky lad, or several, in whatever combination your wise loins direct, and do not under any circumstances play hard to get. Our struggle against the colossal forces of oppression can wait.
Good. Welcome back.
- Fighting bands of necromancers can be darkly hilarious. As you kill off each of their companions, the remaining mages will nonchalantly resurrect their fallen compatriots as zombies without a second glance. This is especially funny when using stealth. Necromancers will happen upon a dead friend, apparently think "Huh, when did you die? Oh well, free zombie!" and enslave their undead former friends.
- There are a couple dungeons where you end up trapping yourself in a room as part of the story. The people with you react as if you're a troublesome child.
Tolfdir: How in the world did that happen?
Farkas: (sounding amused) Now look what you've gotten yourself into.
- During the party at the Thalmor Embassy, you have to convince or trick someone to cause a distraction in order to slip past the guards. Most are pretty tame; usually they just walk up to Razelan and accuse him of various things. Razelan indignantly protests he "didn't do anything this time," but the ambassador automatically assumes he's guilty. If you ask Razelan to cause the distraction, however, you learn that it's not an unreasonable assumption.
- The ending of the quest "Siege on the Dragon Cult". Remember Captain Valmir, the Stormcloak/Imperial spy who told you to get Rahgot's mask for your army? When you return with the mask in tow, you find Valmir... dressed in enemy colors and giving an enemy soldier the exact same speech he gave you. When you, understandably confused, walk up to the pair, Valmir says, "Oh, uh, I can explain..." and then he snaps and attacks you, backed by the equally confused soldier. As it turns out, Valmir was a Thalmor agent, using disguises to fool both armies into giving him the mask.
- Upon entering Riften's jail for the first time.
Guard: What are you doing here?Dovahkiin: It's okay. I'm allowed down here.Guard: Oh. Okay, then.
- If you're a strong mage, you may get challenged to a duel. Your follower or other bystanders, however, might not like this idea and decide to get involved, which the challenger isn't happy about. "This is supposed to be a one-on-one duel!" And if anyone decides "to heck with magic" and starts swinging at the guy with a sword, the challenger complains, "This is supposed to be a magic duel! Ma-gic! Y'know, with spells?" He just sounds so pouty about the whole thing. It's also funny if he decides to challenge you in certain locations, such as the entry to Whiterun, where all the guards promptly attack the guy who just started throwing fireballs around. Becomes hilarious if this happens just after becoming The Archmage of the College of Winterhold, when you can be challenged to the duel right in the middle of the bridge of the College. One Curb-Stomp Battle later, the challenger will likely flying off the bridge with a fireball in the gut, having just been taken to school.
- When investigating Hjerim for clues to the murders in Windhelm there are two closets you can investigate. One yields useful evidence. The other?
This perfectly good closet was left behind for some reason.
- Jarl Balgruuf's posturing and backpedaling while preparing to defend his city.
Balgruuf: The outer walls are strong. If we can hold them there-Legate Cipius: They have catapults.Balgruuf: Dammit, where'd they get catapults? The city walls are already falling apart as it is!
- Upon finding an imprisoned hagraven:
Dovahkiin: Why should I let you out?
Melka: Because you're such a niiiice Breton!
Dovahkiin: Huh? I'm not a Breton.
Melka: Uh, well, you all look the same to me.
- It gets better: if the player is an Orc, Argonian, or Khajiit, she'll say "Orc" instead of "Breton". An Argonian or Khajiit Dragonborn responds with, "You... must not have seen many Orcs."
- Then, as you team up with the Hagraven to free her tower from her rival sister, she guides you and gives you.... "useful" advice:
- At the Temple of Mara, you can get a sidequest to give pamphlets to local citizens, aiming to spread the word of Mara. However, some of the more cynical citizens have very humorous remarks if you hand one to them.
Maven Black-Briar: Excellent! I needed more kindling for my hearth!
- The peace treaty during the "Season Unending" quest has plenty of moments.
- "If we have to negotiate the terms of the negotiation, we'll never get anywhere!"
- Legate Rikke's commentary.
(after Ulfric says he has something to say): Here we go.
(after the line "I'm sure Jarl Ulfric does not expect something for nothing."): "Yes, that'd be entirely out of character."
(after Elenwen claims "It's not the Thalmor burning your farms and killing your sons"): "She's supposed to be on our side?"
- Ulfric tells Elenwen to shut up... and she listens.
- It can be funny to watch Ulfric or Tullius squirm as you turn the negotiations against them... even if said negotiations were a completely fair "Markarth for Riften" trade.
- The Conjuration Ritual Spell quest, where you summon an unbound Dremora, keep killing and resummoning it over and over, and, for lack of a better term, make it your bitch. It's just really funny hearing a Dremora, scary voice and all, sound scared of you.
Dremora: I am not yours to toy with!
Player: I can do this all day.
Dremora: No, I... I submit. No more. What is your bidding?
- Even funnier is when Phinis Gestor gives you the quest.
Phinis: You must summon and command an unbound Dremora.
Last Dragonborn: Do what now?
- Even funnier is when Phinis Gestor gives you the quest.
- Some of the radiant quests can be hilarious when you combine the quest itself and the location you're sent to. For example, the animal extermination quest from the Companions... you have to wonder, how exactly did a sabre cat get into Erikur's house in Solitude?
- It's the Imperial ending of the Civil War questline. Ulfric is trapped and has finally been cornered by Tullius. Windhelm is burning down around you as the Imperial soldiers defeat the last Stormcloaks. Tullius approaches Ulfric, drawing his sword..and delivers this gem.
- When you pose as the Gourmet during the Dark Brotherhood questline, you are required to put on a chef's hat. Should you not take it off, you are treated to scenes of your character killing things in a chef's hat. The killshots become less badass, to say the least.
- During the quest to become Thane of Dawnstar, you must kill a giant. If Skald is still Jarl, he offers this bit of sage advice.
- If you jump onto a bed in Old Hroldan Inn, that super-serious, adultlike boy may comment, "I'm not allowed to climb on the furniture."
- While meeting Paarthurnax for the first time, you can decide to play his questions straight... do so, and you get treated this delightful little subtle gem:
Paarthurnax: Do you know why I live here, atop the mountain you call the "Throat of the World"?
Dohvakiin: I dunno. Dragons like mountains, right?
Paarthurnax: Hmmm... True.
- During one of Delphine and Esbern's random conversations in Sky Haven Temple, Esbern says that he's writing the modern history of the Blades, and he asks Delphine what she wants it to say in her part.
Delphine: "I survived"?
- A bit of random dialogue after completing the College of Winterhold quest line:
"Have you seen Mirabelle? I know she's dead,, but I thought she might still stop by and say hello.
- In a random atmospheric event, Vipir the Fleet tries flirting with Sapphire. She responds with this gem:
Sapphire: Ah yes, Vipir "the Fleet." I think you're the only one foolish enough to name himself after his bedroom prowess.
- The actual story of how he got his name is also funny: He and Vex were busted during a job in Windhelm and were being pursued by the guards, ending up separated. He exited the main gate and ran all the way from Windhelm to Riften, only to find that Vex was already there, having arrived hours before. Vipir had forgotten that they had had horses in the stables.
- If you take Delvin the Elder Council Amulet under Astrid's orders before joining the Thieves' Guild, he'll start the conversation super-ominous and serious, at which point your character states they're with the Dark Brotherhood, causing him to instantly backpedal in a rather amusing fashion.
- A line by Bendt, the chef in the Bard's College, parodies the player's tendency to Talk to Everyone. Remember, there are exactly zero items of interest in this section.
Bendt: You found the Bard's College kitchen! Congratulations!
- It is entirely possible to play as a Deadpan Snarker - there are quite a few amusing dialogue lines. Possibly the earliest is this:
Balgruuf: So. You were at Helgen? You saw this dragon with your own eyes?
Dovahkiin: Yes. I had a great view while the Imperials were trying to cut off my head.
- Balgruuf's response is almost as funny. It's the genuine surprise in his voice that sells it. You can tell he really wasn't expecting that.
Balgruuf: Really? You're certainly... forthright about your criminal past.
- Balgruuf's response is almost as funny. It's the genuine surprise in his voice that sells it. You can tell he really wasn't expecting that.
- After finishing "A Cornered Rat" and exiting the Ratway with Esbern, if you fail to kill all the Thalmor they follow you out. This results in all of Riften, from Madesi to the Blacksmith to Maven Black-Briar taking up arms to butcher the Thalmor. After they are all dead, everybody just goes back to doing their thing as if nothing out of the ordinary happened. Then again, considering where Riften's allegiance lies, they probably do this often offscreen.
- The "Throw Voice" shout lets the player throw his/her voice somewhere as a distraction. This also provides the only voice-acted lines from the Dovahkiin (other than grunts and Dragon Shouts), most of which are insults like "Hey, skeever butt!" and "Hey, melon nose!" Made even funnier if you imagine the context in certain situations; e.g. a Draugr is wandering around a crypt when suddenly he hears, "You're ugly!" and immediately rushes to the source of the sound with homicidal intent. He may be a reanimated shambling corpse of a long-dead dragon cultist who now resembles a mummified skeleton with rotting flesh, but, by the Nine, nobody calls him ugly!
- Phinis Gestor's lecture on College policy is somewhat amusing. Highlights include:
Urag has asked me to remind everyone to please return materials borrowed from the Arcanaeum in the same condition as you received them. If this is impossible due to misuse or accident, Urag recommends finding a replacement copy to deliver to the Arcanaeum. Failure to do so will result in paying, in Urag's words, "a blood price." I did not ask him to elaborate on that point.While Drevis appreciates the spellcasting skill that went into somehow cramming several hundred apples into his pillow... He would ask that it please not happen again. He has suggested that, should he find out who is responsible, he is well versed in making things disappear permanently.
- The "Big Strong Man" NPC dialogue that randomly takes place among a group of NPCs consisting of several women and at least one man, where the man tries to impress the ladies by hoping he gets referred to as such, only to get hilariously rebuffed and laughed at, and he sulks off, calling them "harpies".
- An unintentional one: in French, "Fus Ro Dah" can easily be Mondegreened as "Pousse toi d'la", which means... "Get out of the way."
- One that's easy to miss, but amusing when you see it. In Fort Dunstad, a group of bandits are running an illegal Skeever fight ring. If you go to the second floor, you'll find several cheese wheels, one of which has been sliced, with the slice itself laying next to it. Where's the funny part? The fact that a woodcutter's axe is embedded into the table between them.
- Faldar's Tooth is a random bandit hideout near Riften but has some very subtle humor in a Villains Out Shopping way:
- When you first get there the bandits try to sic the guard wolves on you with the expected stereotypical dialogue.
- Then you get inside and learn they're running a wolf fighting pit only to come up behind two of them who are placing bets.
- Then you get to the kitchens and read the dialogue of their cook, who's apparently a Supreme Chef but no one appreciates his grilled leeks because they all want meat, which they don't have because they're too busy placing bets. So he decides to give them their meat, cue the kitchen proper and a metric ton of of dog meat clearly taken from the wolves they've been pitting fights with.
- That same chef is now dead in a cage. Judging by the way his corpse is lying, he starved to death with a plate of grilled leeks placed near the cage, just out of reach.
- Even funnier: the grilled leeks the bandits rejected actually restore more health than the dog meat (which can't be cooked).
- And immediately after that, you ambush a bandit about to sit down on the fort's shitter.
- When you brawl, one of the lines screamed by Lydia is "Twelve Septims on the big one." However, she will say this even if your opponent is a Nord or an Orc, and you are not playing as either of those. She literally bets against her own Thane.
- In Fort Greymoor there is a sweet little old lady named Agnis who cooks and cleans for the bandits, she sweetly explains this to you right while you're in the middle of slaughtering them! Agnis gets even funnier. She states she doesn't even keep track of who owns the fort anymore. She just tells whoever takes over that she "comes with the place."
- When you arrive for the first time to Markarth, the guard at the entry will tell you "Welcome to Markarth, the safest city in the Reach." The very first thing you see when entering the city is a man trying to murder a woman on the market.
- Probably due to a bug, but when you first visit Jorrvaskr, Athis and Njada are engaging in a fist fight. Sometimes before the fight ends, Athis will run around every corner of the place, tripping over everything on the ground while Njada gives chase, spouting insults at him.
- "Looking for my husband Nazeem? Check the Jarl's backside. That's usually where he stuffs himself these days."
- White River Watch is a cave that serves as a home to a bandit group. Who do they set to guard the entry? The boss's blind uncle. He'll even mistake you for his nephew the first time you walk past him. Said blind uncle is sitting by a desk with a book on it. All the book's pages are blank.
- Become Harbinger of the Companions and marry Farkas. He'll warmly welcome you home and, upon being asked if there's work for the Companions, immediately go back to his gruff self to tell you to go out into the world and bash some heads in. There's also the possibility that you'll come in from a long day of dragon-slaying, wearing armor made entirely from dragon parts, with a box of dragon bones and scales somewhere in the house, and he will ask you if you've ever seen a dragon before, because he never believed in dragons... even if you take him to kill one with you, and he stays behind with the corpse so he can describe it accurately to Vilkas.
- Marrying any of the Companions and then running into them on the road. Apparently they just carry homecooked meals with them in case they happen across you in their travels like it's a completely normal thing.
- Getting killed by a city guard. Once the combat is resolved they go back to their normal dialogue, which, spoken over your corpse, tends to end up as deadpan snark. "Can you brew me an ale?" indeed.
- Even better: getting killed by your spouse (say, if you accidentally aggro'd them if they were your follower), followed by a generic line. "Hello, my love." *SHUNK* "Back from some adventure, I'd bet."
- The fact that, during the Thieves' Guild quests, on Mercer's desk in his house you can find a copy of The Lusty Argonian Maid. Seems he was keeping himself busy...
- This quote by Archmage Savos Aren (which is also the page topper for Wizards Live Longer): "What you learn here will last you a lifetime. Several, if you're talented."
- At the beginning of the Dark Brotherhood quest line, Astrid knocks out and abducts the Dragonborn in their sleep. Normally, this would be straight up Paranoia Fuel... Unless they happened to be sleeping at an inn or a crowded city, in which case you have to wonder just how the hell she managed to carry their body without being seen.
- Playing through the beginning of the game again and following Ralof provides a dialogue option asking if Alduin was working for the Stormcloaks. Ralof almost laughs in your face and chuckles "I doubt even Ulfric Stormcloak could pull a dragon out of his back pocket." You'll never want to call Ohdahviing more.
- With Dawnguard, you can get a killcam where you stab people with a crossbow. Not with a shot from the crossbow. The crossbow itself.
- When you first meet Isran, try asking him what he plans to do about the vampires. He will note that he needs to fix up the fort, since a vampire could walk right in the front door as it stands. This becomes hilarious if the player happens to be a vampire. Could also be kind of a Brick Joke and Lampshade Hanging, since it's exactly what Serana ends up doing later on if you side with the Dawnguard.
- Serana has unique companion AI that lets her use workstations and sit down like other NPCs do. This can lead to situations where you're talking to a merchant, and Serana walks around behind them to sit down on a bench or go to use an alchemy table. Like, "I can see you're going to be a minute, I'll just keep myself busy."
- Serana's unique companion AI interactions also lead to some odd scenarios, such as her assuming a meditative stance at Arngeir's prayer tower at High Hrothgar, sitting on a chair that someone just died in and whose corpse still occupies it, or walking up onto Solitude's execution block during Roggvir's execution and casually using the grindstone while a man is beheaded right behind her.
- During one quest, Quintus Navale will need to use the alchemy lab in the shop before continuing the scene. If Serana is present, she can end up hogging the alchemy lab all to herself, forcing Quintus to stand there and wait for her to stop fooling around.
- In another quest, you run into an Almost Dead Guy near the entrance of a cave, who gives you a word of warning before dying. Serana will then proceed to sit down on the floor next to him and copy the same "almost dead" pose.
- Try visiting Aventus Aretino with her at some point...
- Her vampiric ability to raise corpses comes handy at times. Unfortunately, she doesn't care what corpse to use - leading to you charging into battle with an undead goat ally at your side. Or a chicken.
- In the quest "Lost to the Ages", you have to assist the ghost of a dead archaeologist named Katria to achieve the goal she died trying to accomplish. As you explore the Dwemer ruin, you find her corpse. If you choose to loot the corpse and take the armor, leaving her naked, Katria's ghost will complain that you could have at least left her some dignity.
- In that same quest, after you retrieve the Aetherium Crest, the tower begins to rise. Your next objective? Stand clear.
- In the Forgotten Vale, downhill of the frozen lake, there's a waterfall that leads into a dark pit beneath a glacier. When you approach it, Serana warns, "Careful, here. If you fall down that thing I'm going to have to drag you out of... wherever it leads." Should you jump into the water and go down it, you'll experience one of the highest freefalls in the game, and end up in Darkfall Grotto, a dark cave deep underground swarming with Feral Falmer. Serana has this to say:
Serana: Ugh. I told you!
Serana: Next time I say to please not go over the waterfall, maybe you'll listen to me.
- In the Soul Cairn, one of the souls has this to say.
"All I said to Potema was I thought she looked a little portly in that gown. How was I supposed to know?"
- With Hearthfire, you can adopt children from the Honorhall Orphanage, though only after you've killed Grelod the Kind. When Constance asks you for your occupation, you can list any number of "jobs" - i.e. Thief, Mercenary, Assassin, Dragonborn. In the last case she'll initially think you're taking the piss, but then quickly realize you're serious.
- One can only imagine what would happen on "Bring Your Daughter To Work Day."
- Most likely... this!
- Lydia gets new dialogue in the expansion, a good portion of it snark.
- You can take your followers with you. When you pick up and start reading a Black Book, Farkas just sighs and says, "I can't believe you do that on purpose."
- The story behind one of the inns, The Retching Netch, is pretty funny and you even get to make comments during it.
- A quick way to determine one effect of a new ingredient is to eat it, in which case its first effect will take effect on you. Consuming netch jelly, whose first effect is Paralysis, results in your character being paralyzed and doing a Face Plant once you leave the menu.
- One series of mini-quests involves helping Neloth with his experiments. In one such experiment, he casts a spell on the Dragonborn which is supposed to create an "eighth silence". The screen goes black and you can hear Neloth arguing with his assistant. It quickly becomes clear that the Dragonborn is blind because his/her eyes were replaced with tentacles.
Neloth: Try... wiggling them? (beat) No, don't shake your fist! [...] And I see now that your tongue is also... well, it's propably best if I don't say.
- One of the random encounters is a mage attempting to fly. He casts his spell, and rockets straight up into the sky shouting "It worked! I'm flying!". And then he plummets straight back down again. Doubles as a reference to Morrowind, where another mage was attempting the same thing. He ended with the same fate.
- If you go to sleep on Solstheim before cleansing all the All-Maker Stones, you may go to bed for the night in an inn.... and then wake up on the opposite side of Solstheim working on a stone's shrine!
- On top of one of the towers in Bloodskal Barrow, right next to a hole in the floor, you can find a note that reads:
Look, Meryn, I'm not arguing that these towers are falling to pieces, but I think you are exaggerating about the planks falling ou————
- There is a cave called Benkongerike which is filled with Rieklings (little goblin-type creatures). About halfway through, you find their porn stash: about 15 copies of The Lusty Argonian Maid in a little alcove... along with some dirty linen wraps.
- Neloth - the things he says and does.
- His snark when you tell him you're not his servant. He tells you in a voice just dripping with sarcasm:
Neloth: Please, oh hero of Skyrim. Please find Varona. I shall be ever so grateful.
- Another Deadpan Snarker moment: in Nchardak, if you pick up all the cubes instead of putting them all on their pedestals, you'll flood the room, and then:
Neloth: I'm quite sure the boilers will not work while they're underwater.
- If he comes upon a dead body, he may comment, "Hmm. I'll have to get someone to bring this back to my lab."
- In Nchardak at one point, he chooses, for some reason, to jump off a bridge to a lower level (even though it's high enough to take fall damage), rather than doing what any sensible person would do: take the stairs.
- He apparently likes to swear by the Daedric Princes. One entertaining example is, "By Malacath's toenails, where did that come from!?"
- When Neloth is fighting, if he gets hit enough times, he may utter in a very pissed tone:
Neloth: By Malacath's hairy knuckles, you will pay for that!
- To his apprentice: "You still need to give me that skin sample." One wonders how much skin.
- When you've increased your Enchanting too high for him to teach you, if you ask him to do so, his response is the closest he comes to giving you a compliment.
Neloth: I can, but I won't. It wouldn't do to have you become better than me.
- His snark when you tell him you're not his servant. He tells you in a voice just dripping with sarcasm:
- Neloth initially doesn't do anything to stop people from building shrines around Solstheim's element stones... because he just wants to see what happens when they finish!
- Pretty much everything about the Rieklings. For starters, even they get sucked into Miraak's shrine-building project, complete with one who just bows down to the stone all day long. Then there's the "Chief of Thirsk Hall" quest if you ally with them.
Good Bad Bugs
- A programming bug during development resulted in crime-reporting chickens◊. Sadly, this was corrected.
What's that, Cluckles? Timmy's in the well?
- One of the very first things you see in the game, when you arrive in Helgen, the horse who pulled your cart clips its head through a stone wall during its idle movements once it stops. Yup, this is definitely a Bethesda game.
- Giants can knock the player a good 5,000 feet into the air. Other characters, too. Nothing like standing at a safe distance to watch a bunch of idiot bandits disappear, one by one, into the clouds...
- How to ride a horse
- You can sometimes see the Headless Horseman ghost running after his ghost horse.
- Occasionally a courier will appear in nothing but his skivvies and a few odd pieces of gear. Despite this, he'll still hand you the letters and run off without ever bringing up his lack of clothes. Now that's dedication.
- That's nothing; the courier can nonchalantly deliver you a letter while you're fighting Odahviing on the great porch!
- More funny bugs relates to the Letter from a Friend they often deliver. They may mention that you caused quite a stir in places like Apocrypha, where the only thing around are Eldritch Abominations. Additionally, if you explore an area that has a Word Wall but don't get the word, you may get a letter saying you caused quite the stir in (place), and then advising you to look in that same place for a word of power.
- This famous case of Cloning Blues: Meet the Louis Letrush Brothers.
- Sleep Walking is one thing. Ever heard of sleep spinning? Ask Phinis Gestor. Or Drevis Neloren. Or Enthir.
- Visit the Temple of Kynareth in Whiterun, and sometimes the two patients there (a wounded solder and a sickly farmer) aren't always lying down. Instead, they seem to be afflicted with some kind of dancing sickness.
- Sometimes the ragdoll physics don't act nice, and bodies might end up jiggling about and such after dying. And then there's this.
- The notes from Hired Thugs are just ripe with potential hilarity. Bugs include getting thugs sent to you by characters you haven't even met yet, dead characters (one hysterical version of this is a Forsworn Briarheart sending the thugs to kill you from beyond the grave, because you stole his Briar Heart) and even animals (the Death Hounds of Castle Volkihar, for example).
- A posted comment at one of the Elder Scrolls wikis reports that not even Dragons are exempt from this. And even in that case, it's not just any dragon...
- The same wiki forum reports other hilarious cases, such as:
- Members of the Dark Brotherhood (including the Night Mother)
- Pelagius Septim III
- M'aiq the Liar
- Your own spouse
- Lord Harkon and family (including Serana, even while she's your current follower)
- Other Hired Thugs! (yes, apparently they can send themselves)
- Forsworn Briarhearts, if you kill them by pickpocketing their briarhearts.
- There have even been reports of objects (such as Alchemical Labs and workbenches) sending Hired Thugs.
- One rare glitch, is if you have Barbas as a follower, he'll randomly attack NPCs in Dragonsbridge. This includes Clinton (a kid), and seeing as Barbas and Clinton are both invincible, Barbas will chase him forever.
- While the Unrelenting Force shout is already a major source of humor, the Ice Form shout has its own hilarity when combined with the game's already buggy ragdoll physics. Because this attack does not outright kill the target, if the said targeted unit still has some health left after the effect of the shout subsides, the result is a hilarious case of No One Could Survive That. Observe.
- Skjor's "Bodysurfing" Technique. Aela's comment somehow hilariously makes sense in the scene.
- A user on TES wiki reported a child wielding a battleaxe. (See http://elderscrolls.wikia.com/wiki/Thread:780272) He even has proof on his deviantArt account. http://sta.sh/015h5va75ipp
- Dragon Priests are among the scariest and deadliest foes in the game. However, a rare design flaw apparently overlooked by the developers can make one look rather silly. Because they were designed to be hidden in coffins when concealed or idle, thus in a prone position, it seems the devs never thought to properly put one in a chair, resulting in this awkward situation◊ (one of the objectives in the "A Taste of Death" quest, which can happen if you do the quest at a high enough level; the seat is normally occupied by a Draugr Deathlord, which does have a proper sitting animation).
- If you enter Morvunskar any time after "A Night To Remember," you may find Sanguine fighting with the enemies. It seems the Daedric Prince of Hedonism isn't bad with a blade.
- Sprinting into an NPC will make them angrily tell you to watch where you're going. If you kill an NPC with two-handed sprinting attack, they might give you the same warning... as they're falling over dead. Doubly hilarious if they're aggressive, meaning they'll go from taunting you one second to berating you the in an annoyed tone the next and then dead.
Bandit (As your greatsword shears their torso in half): What's your hurry?
Bethesda & Valve
- In a contest, in exchange for getting every Bethesda game free for life, a person who was due to have a child on 11/11/11 (Skyrim's release date) would have to name their child Dovahkiin. The disclaimer is as goes:
"Any reward for completing this quest will not ultimately justify the potential teasing your child could — and probably will — endure over its lifespan. Bethesda Softworks is not responsible for your parenting. You may gain experience points for completing this quest, but you will not care at 3am on a work night. Completion of this quest may also result in decreased desire to play video games and/or function as a human being. Consult with your friends before embarking on this quest; while it may not start in prison, it probably ends there."
- At the end of Bethesda's first Skyrim Podcast, concept artist Adam Adamowicz talks about an idea he suggested for an "Elf Grinder" trap:
Adamowicz: It's kind of like a Cuisinart or a disposal in a sink, specifically for grinding up elves into a fine, purple, glittery powder. 'Cause they deserve it.
- The Skyrim Creation Kit launched, as well as Steam Workshop integration. Valve themselves made a mod for Skyrim. What does it do? SPACE CORE! See it here.
- Even better, they actually produced new lines specifically for the mod, most of which are pure gold.
"Dad, I levelled up"
"That's nice, son."
"Dad, are you dragons?"
"Yes, I am ALL the dragons."
- Another gem.
"Some call me space junk. Me.... I call me treasure!"
- And better still, you can craft a unique helmet with it.
- And that you can find Wheatley floating around the perk constellations.
- Even the new loading screens that come with it have ridiculous texts. For example:
Space is the thing you see above Tamriel when you're walking around outside with your head tilted back.
Space Spheres, also known as the Spheriphem, are natives of space, and will cajole adventurers to help them return to that comforting void.
- From the mod's description:
Also, since Skyrim was the only major release of 2011 without Nolan North in it, you should consider this mod a patch to fix that problem. You can now feel free to include Skyrim in the "Nolan North" section of your video game library, which is to say, your video game library.
- And lastly, if you've really had enough of it, it's even possible to send it back out into space, with the help of a giant's special talents. It even goes Squee (complete with Doppler Effect) once it's been sent flying.
- Even better, they actually produced new lines specifically for the mod, most of which are pure gold.
- A moment from the "Making of Skyrim" video that came with the collector's edition:
Mark Lampert: You've come all the way to Skyrim, you're at the tip of the continent here. The guys are big and burly and have beards, the women are big and burly and have beards, and everyone's handy with an axe.
- "Uncle Sheogorath's Really Helpful Hints and Tips" makes the loading screens some of the best content in the game.
- "Skyrim has nine holds. Four are sleeper holds, and two produce unconsciousness in less than six seconds."
- "If you took every horse in Skyrim, killed them, and laid them end to end, people would be HORRIFIED! But think of all the beautiful blood!"
- "So many turtles, so little time. SO LITTLE TIME!"
- "For the Companions, 'polishing the axe' isn't just a way to pass the time. It's a lifestyle."
- "The first thing every new Skyrim bride sees is Riften town center. No wonder everyone's obsessed with death."
- "Try talking to your helmet sometime. Who knows, it might just talk back. Shame it's not the crazy one, though."
- "Oh, hello. Haskil here. The master's stepped out for a moment. Hopefully he'll be back soon. In the meanwhile, enjoy this... thing."
- There's a mod that allows you to find the Pogo Hammer in Riften, complete with ragdoll physics! What makes it even more hilarious is the stuff you need to improve it at the grinding stone.
- The posh mudcrabs mod, which turns every mudcrab into a Quintessential British Gentleman.
- Speaking of mudcrabs, this mod turns them into Mr. Krabs.
- The Skeleton Bikini mod. Exactly What It Says on the Tin (warning: NSFW)
- This mod that combines the Skyrim troll with the other kind of troll. Prepare for a barrel of laughs.
- The Barrel Outfit mod, which if equipped makes the wearer sort of resemble a very large Waddling Head.
- The Skyrim Dance Mods, which will send anyone to the dance floor, even Generals, Jarls, the Greybeards, anyone. Here are a few dance sequences:
- Miku Hatsune's PoPiPo, Ura Omote Lovers, Nyanyanyanyanyanyanya!, Miku Miku ni Shite Ageru, and Shiroi Yuki no Princess wa.
- Michael Jackson's Thriller
- Captain Murasa Anchor
- Bad Apple
- Hare Hare Yukai
- SeeU's Galaxias
- 2 Live Crew's Too Much Booty in the Pants
- The real story behind High King Torygg's assassination.
- The Skyrim Dance Battle
- PSY's Gangnam Style
- Phenderix Magic Evolved (Mod) has a spell named Gale Wave, an air elemental spell. Its function? A continuous stream of Fus Ro Dahs, at about 5 full power shouts per second. It affects any unconscious enemies, as well, allowing you to fling them off of ramp-like rocks so high that you can't see them anymore! Sometimes, they'll even get right back up after flying and falling thousands of feet up.
- This mod turns one of the guards' dialogue lines into a blatant tempt of fate.
- This mod, which gives more options for the Paarthurnax quest. Those options? Lie, talk them down... and murder them in a fit of rage.
- Perhaps the funniest yet most lore friendly of all mods: the Call of Madness mod, which is inspired by the Daedric Prince of Madness, Sheogorath. This packages comes in two parts:
- A new Shout whose words (Random, Insanity, Cheeze!) each do very different things all related to Sheogorath. The first word does the same effect of the Wabbajack. The second word summons Sheogorath himself to assist in battle, wielding his own Wabbajack (as a bonus, he can cast Fireball attacks, and better, he can Shout - at least one YouTube video shows him doing Unrelenting Force and Ice Form). The third word? A hilarious perversion of Alduin's Meteor Storm shout, where instead of burning rocks, it rains... CHEESE! And when you perform the full shout with the 3rd word, you'll hear Sheogorath yell "CHEESE! FOR EVERYONE!"
- A set of weapons, armor, and spellbooks found in a chest (aka Sheogorath's Fun Chest of Fun) with their own hilarious descriptions, which includes: spells that fling Cheese and other foodstuffs, a dagger with Wabbajack enchantment, a sword, an axe, and a bow that cause your enemies to explode into wine when killed, a snappy outfit with its own enchantments, a pair of boots that let you walk on water, and, most of all, a staff that flings wagons. And to add to the humor, to improve some of them at a blacksmith's shop will require the weirdest Noodle Implements ever. For instance, the Dagger (aka Sheogorath's Razor) requires an Ebony Ingot, a Daedra Heart, and... a Cabbage.
- And here's an example of the Wagon Priest Staff in action, especially when used at close range. And one side effect of it? Well it has to do with the game's buggy ragdoll physics, and some spinning.
- This mod allows Dovahkiin to point his rear at foes and fart shouts at them. Immature? Yes. Funny? Absolutely.
- On that note, there's the equally immature-but-amusing Baked Beans of Skyrim. Which not only adds beans with their infamous side effect, but also introduces an alarmingly detailed and customizable gas system, complete with NPC reactions and a shout-like power after eating bean chili. Bonus points for the mod author's outlandishly eloquent manner of describing the mod on its page.
- Someone made a mod that makes you the High King of Skyrim, with all the perks that comes with. Nazeem getting on your nerves? Send him to the mines to work til he dies. Kids pestering you? Order them executed. Fed up with Maven being a Villain Sue Karma Houdini? Toss her in jail with a single word. It really is amazing how much easier the Dovahkiin's life would be if people would just listen to his authority once in a while.
- You can also order any random person to act as you personal bodyguard. Sit back and relax while the Ebony Warrior and some random kid off the street beat the shit out of dragons on your behalf!
- There is a mod out called "Better Vampires", which allows the player to configure aspects of their vampirism to be harder or easier to play as one, or even go all-out Blade/Daywalker, getting all the good stuff, without any of drawbacks. Where it gets funny though, is that a player can use the vampiric Domination lesser Power on an enemy and forcibly make them a Follower for a short while, not unlike the Soul Tear shout does. If that new 'follower' then gets slain, either by your enemies or yourself, there is a chance you will end up meeting a Courier a while later, who will give you a "Letter of Inheritance".. Granting you, indeed, an inheritance. Courtesy of the mindless puppet you (got) killed after turning them on their friends.
- One particular modder by the name of Fancy Pantz tends to create content that adheres strictly to bizarre humor, like so.
- Really Useful Dragons.
- Pretty much every mod added by Trainwiz counts to some degree. Want to make it rain trains down from the sky? Want to run over your enemies with an evil steam locomotive? Want to fight giant monsters using a giant dwemer centurion? Even Trainwiz's more serious mods tend to take the time to crack a few jokes at Skyrim's expense, usually comparing it unfavorably to Morrowind.
- A mod exists to make Miraak a follower. Like Serana, he will interact with the environment, using crafting stations and sitting on chairs and benches while you go about business. This also leads to some very amusing behavior like watching him fill up a tankard at a keg, lay down on a bedroll while you're looting a bandit lair, and use switches to keep opening and closing gates you're trying to pass through. Makes for some interesting Alternate Character Interpretation, that's for sure.
- A mod that allows you to use spellbooks as melee weapons in case your mage Dovahkiin runs out of Magicka. As one commenter put it, "Nord wizards, using spell tomes how they were meant be to used."
- Dragons given the Macho Man makeover, complete with appropriate sound effects. Ooooh, yeah.
- Inigo, a fully voiced Khajiit follower who is equal parts snarky, insane, and hilarious, due to The Dev Team Thinks of Everything. The mod creator wrote literally thousands of lines for him in response to nearly everything in the game, including location, equipment, weather conditions, the equipment you give him and even what creatures you've summoned. The 2.0 update adds more of these lines, as well as a questline that is equal parts hilarious and disturbing.
Inigo: (by the Warrior Stone) The Warrior Stone allows you to improve your skills more rapidly. Side effects may include amputation, blindness, and head loss.Inigo: (next to a dragon corpse) Dragons smell better when they are not trying to eat me.Inigo: (wearing guard armor) Look, I'm a guard. I have an arrow in my knee. Boo hoo.
- Sofia is another hilarious companion mod, because of her commentary as you go through the quests in the game. On top of that it is extremely obvious that she wants the Dragonborn, regardless of gender, and constantly trying to pass off her awkward come-ons as Innocent Innuendo. And on top of that, she has special trash talk reserved specifically for Nazeem.
Nazeem: Do you get to the Cloud District very often? Oh, what am I saying, of course you don't.Sofia: Yes, I was just talking to the Jarl, actually. He did say he was missing his court jester. Your clothes are perfect, by the way, but you need to work on your routine a little.
- Two words: Explosive Chickens. Exactly What It Says on the Tin - Spawn a bunch of them with the console, whip a Frenzy spell at them, and watch as Hilarity Ensues.
- There have been several amusing fan videos, often based on trailers:
- Harry Partridge is quite the Skyrim fan, doing three Skyrim-based videos:
- Tobuscus does a literal trailer of Skyrim where any seriousness of it is utterly, hilariously ruined by Tobuscus acting like the dragon is visiting his barber.
- This trailer dub, explaining how a certain Dragon Shout became popular in Skyrim.
- This. It's only magnified by the guy not knowing a thing about Skyrim.
- Somebody decided to make a rap about Skyrim.
- A somewhat affectionate fan video is The Ballad of Todd Howard featuring glitches with both Hall of the Mountain King and Todd Howard's quality speech.
- Press Heart To Continue made a video discussing the implications of being half-dragon, half-man. The implication being that, at some point, someone had to have sex with a dragon.
- Youtube videogamer Robbaz (King of Sweden) does the occasional Skyrim gameplay videos, but what makes his particularly amusing is how he goes about doing quests with a Horker follower aptly named Walrus. Hilarity Ensues.
- Skyrim Parody.
- What happens when the Dovahkiin abuses the Thu'um just to screw with people.
- Learn the secret of the Greybeards' Ultimate Shout.
- Some of the Mondegreens for the Draconic chanting are hilarious:
Use a soul pendulum, don't be fooled, no one knows.
A moose tunnel will pay the popcorn.
And then Sean Penn who'll in will buy a ruby cross.
Nobody, nobody, for the sake of Stalin
What a night, no hope, when they rob us blind.
Have no hope of god, when something blows up.
Nobody, found him, mobile random fly!
- Here's a video that does the whole song this way.
- Dragon Shouts are amazing. Video Game Cruelty Potential at its finest.
- Really, anything you can do with Fus Ro Dah is hilarious. (Warning: Lydia abuse).
- Now try it when the speech clip is substituted with Miku's voice. Which makes killing Ulfric Stormcloak with it at the end of the Legion questline look silly. Better song indeed!
- In Oblivion, you heard the phrase until you were sick to death of it. Now, it is your turn.
- Let it be known that Fus Ro Dah makes everything better, and leave it at that.
- Starting at around 27:54 in this Dawnguard playthrough, they prepare to fight Vyrthur. One of the guys saves the game just before the battle, talking about how difficult the fight was on his other game, and once the battle starts, he gets all ready, summoning stuff and preparing weapons. He unpauses... and his Hakon One-Eye that he summoned immediately blasts Vyrthur off the cliff with Fus Ro Dah. They're quite impressed with this.
- Ladies and gentlemen, courtesy of the distinguished Peptuck, author of Tiberium Wars, Graveyard Shift and Renegade, I give you...THIS. Doubles as a Moment of Awesome.
- With console commands and a little creativity, the possibilities are endless. Case in point.
- This thread fill at the slowly growing Skyrim Kink Meme is a crack-version of the Jerkass Gods trying to figure out which one of them gets the Dragonborn's soul. Needless to say, Hilarity Ensues.
- Bandit Fling!
- Don't play LMFAO at an execution. Or this will happen.
- 300 Space Cores rolling down a mountain.
- Unnecessary Censorship in Skyrim. Particularly the last line from Braith: "Boys, girls, dogs, elders, there's nobody I won't #*@!"
- This video. Don't get in the way of the Greybeards when they're practicing their Shouts!
Borri: Oh god, that was great, lets fool another one to thinking he's Dragonborn and do this again
- The former top comment also deserves a special mention:
Borri: Hey, you know that guy, the only one in existence who can defeat the dragons? The one our order has been waiting for centuries to guide in saving the world? Yeah, I just blasted him off the mountain.
- Or this comment...
- There's a few good reasons why the game is rated M, this is one of them.
- Ever wonder what Fast Traveling really looks like?
- This YouTuber does video game prank calls for many games, calling people up using voice clips from video games to talk to them. His Skyrim work includes Sheogorath Orders a Pizza, Harkon Calls a Blood Bank, and Heimskr Calls a Christian Hotline.
"Thank you for choosing Evan, my name is Pizza Hut, how can I help you?"
- Possibly the best part, rather than the pranks themselves, is this:
- The Senile Scribbles, a series of Skyrim parodies featuring a snarky Dragonborn who becomes increasingly frustrated with the Ungrateful Bastard nature of the NPCs and being forced to take a side in the Civil War, as well as lampshading the various gamebreakers and fan criticisms.
- And why the entire plot of Dawnguard is based around one major plothole.
Dragonborn: Understand what? That without the sun all the plant-life is gonna die, which is going to kill all the animals, which is gonna kill all the people? Which is eventually going to kill all the Vampires?
Harkon: Wait, can you say that all again?
Dragonborn: Not to mention, the sun doesn't even hurt you! I've been walking around with your daughter for weeks, you can go out in the sunlight whenever you want!
Harkon: Yeah, well, you can... but it's fucking annoying...
- Calling out Miraak on his boastful claims that he could have beaten Alduin, pointing his own rebellion against far less powerful dragons ended in utter defeat and his temple being burned to a crisp.
Miraak: I left a cigar burning on the nightstand, that's all!
Dragonborn Yeah, if by cigar you mean Vahlok and a legion of pissed off Dragons...
- His irritation that Serana is unromanceable, despite the heavy Ship Tease throughout Dawnguard making them the Fan-Preferred Couple;
Serana: Wait, is this male armour?
Dragonborn: Yeah, sorry, I couldn't get your exact measurements from the friend-zone.
- And Serana's annoyance that he won't let up on the subject;
Dragonborn: First off, she's not my wife...
Serana: Thank you!
Dragonborn: ... yet!
Serana Oh, for fuck's sake!
- There's also the encore episode, where the Dragonborn visits the Imperial and Stormcloak recruiters from the first episode. And they're still at war with each other. ...Then the Dragonborn reveals that he used an Elder Scroll to go back in time and stop himself from killing Paarthurnax, and is planning to take over Skyrim himself.
Imperial Solider: But why?
Stormcloak Soldier: Yeah, what are you planning?
Dragonborn: Well, let's just say you guys are gonna want to burn those uniforms.
Stormcloak Soldier: Oh shit.
Imperial Soldier: I'm gonna lose all my benefits.
Stormcloak Soldier: I'm gonna lose my only pair of clothes.
- And why the entire plot of Dawnguard is based around one major plothole.
- The Jarl can rap like hell!
Dragonsreach Servant: I the Jarl can't keep things under control.
Jarl Balgruuf: Oh really? Listen well SLUT! I'm Jarl Balgruuf and I be ballin!
- Skyrim is still the reigning champion of the Gamer Poop series, coming in at 10 episodes as of the beginning of June 2014. The closest competitor is Mass Effect 3, at 7 episodes.
- The Honest Trailers team put together one of their trailers for this game, as seen here. One good part is the narrator declaring that playing the Dragonborn DLC just to be able to ride dragons is "Worth It"!
- Someone made a short movie based on Tamriel's favorite pornography, the Lusty Argonian Maid.
- Things to do in: Skyrim - Pissing off the Preacher is a classic. Rooster Teeth's Geoff and Gavin show off all the ways to piss off everyone's favorite Talos enthusiast.
- In this MMOxReview video, MXR shows first how disturbingly creepy some child mods can be, and then at about 2:50 into the video a chain of events starts up that involve MXR accidentally killing an orphan, which triggers a bunch of angry guards, then zombie children, and then concludes with several kids rampaging through the middle of Riften, bodyslamming and beating down guards.
- During the paid mods debacle, someone thought it would be funny to black faxnote to Valve HQ. It's no ordinary black fax, it had a silhouette of a hand with the words "We know" written underneath. Let's not discuss the ethics of this act and instead appreciate the fact that someone sent Valve the Dark Brotherhood's calling card.
- The Skyrim videos of Youtuber TheScatsbury, which are best described as one part Crazy Awesome mixed with one part Refuge in Audacity. Highlights include:
"Kharjo! Get behind the cow!""Good evening... FROM THE DARK BOVINEHOOD!""I'm here to kill you and fuck your boat!"