"Heck, I would have taken any two-parter TNG episode over this piece of shit." (shows image of Armus from "Skin of Evil")
Plinkett points out a skeptical-looking background extra in a gold shirt, imagining him failing to understand Picard's insane plan to puncture the plasma coolant tanks. Plinkett would bring back Gold Shirt Guy in later reviews to criticize other characters' inane plans, but this is where it started:
Gold Shirt Guy: Oh, puncture it. Okaaay... but it seems like it's highly pressurized... (Data gets sprayed with flesh-melting gas) Gold Shirt Guy: Oh my God!
"Now I'll tell you what really bothers me: It's dem green plastic drum cymbals! Why do they have to have space cymbals?"
Plinkett's rant on how the film makers decided to have a picture of a young Picard where he is shown as bald (despite the fact, as Plinkett points out, that it was repeatedly shown in The Next Generation that Picard used to have a full head of hair in his youth and only began to undergo male pattern baldness in his late-twenties/early thirties), is a clear sign that they made no effort to hide how they thought that Viewers Are Morons.
Plinkett: So then, why does this photo show a cadet Picard that looks exactly like Shinzon? The answer is: "They Think the Audience is Stupid!" If this photo had looked this: (shows the picture of the young Picard with hair photo-shopped in) A picture of a Picard as a young cadet with hair, I guess we're all supposed to scratch our thick monkey craniums and ask: "Why is Picard staring at a picture of some guy?" Even though the following dialogue with Doctor Crusher explains what the photo is, if the cadet didn't look exactly like Shinzon, we'd all be confused. Really!? We're not that dumb! This is kind of like if they made a film, or even had a scene in a film, that featured Abraham Lincoln as a boy, they'd had wear a stovepipe hat and a fake beard; that's how dumb the film makers think we are! (cut to a still picture of a casino interior) ...Enough about that. Listen, I'm almost certain I'm going to hit it big on this slot machine! I'll just need a couple of thousand more bucks. I promise, I'm gonna pay it back when I win!
(slurring) "Riker even played a fucking trumpet!" (shows clip of Riker playing a trombone)
"That's okay. I'm a coward, too."
"Shinzon had a passing interest in Troi 'cos she had a vagina, and he probably never did it with a chick. Uh, maybe he fucked a Reman in the ass... [shows image of a Reman grimacing]
Plinkett criticizes the writers for having Seven of Nine in an implied homosexual fling with Raffi, because he thinks it's not particularly brave or inclusive of them to just pull out a pair of side characters, add some "queer subtext", and claim it's progressive. The "queer subtext" could be totally removed without the narrative losing anything. He argues that if they really wanted to be progressive, they should write Picard himself as gay. Plinkett gets worked up about it and starts twisting Picard's catchphrases:
Plinkett:Star Wars: The Phantom Menace is the most disappointing thing since my son.
Plinkett can't get over the Trade Federation lady-alien-thing with some sort of breathing device covering her face. He gets so distracted that he interrupts his criticism of the scene by yelling, "What's wrong with your faaace?" — several times. Over the course of several reviews, it becomes a Running Gag, as Plinkett yells it at anyone who might have something wrong with their face.
On the stupidity of the Trade Federation's subsequent invasion:
Plinkett: So the droid army just rolls in. Unchallenged, as expected. Just like the Nazis into France, in a little historical event you might have heard of? Hmm, what was it called? Uh... The French Revolution?
Plinkett reveals why he's fuzzy on his history, when decrying the concept of All There in the Manual:
Plinkett: I ain't read any of them Star Wars books! Or any books in general, for that matter. And I ain't about to start.
Plinkett discusses the general ineffectiveness of the battle droids, and how it undermines the menace of the Trade Federation:
Plinkett: Y'know, it really adds a lot of tension to a movie when the main enemy forces are totally ineffective... Captain Panaka: There are too many of them! Qui-Gon Jinn: Won't be a problem. Plinkett: Oh, it "won't be a problem". Wow! Now I'm reallyon the edge of my seat. (cut to behind-the-scenes footage of George Lucas and Steven Spielberg with a battle droid model) Lucas: Yeah, Jedis cut 'em down like they're butter. I mean, they really are pretty useless... Plinkett:(sounding genuinely offended) Fuck you!
"Hey, anyone wanna help me milk my cat?" (image of an overweight cat) "'s time to make breakfassht..."
"At last! We get to the big dumb ending! Where we see the excitement... and the passion... that thousands of computer animators have for getting paychecks!"
Plinkett does a thought experiment in which he asks random people (whom you might recognize as other RedLetterMedia people) to describe Star Wars characters without describing their appearance or role in the story. Characters like C3PO and Han Solo — easy. Prequel characters — they're at a loss for words. Their frustration is hilarious:
Rich Evans:(asked to describe Queen Amidala's character) That is going to be fucking impossible, because she doesn't have a character.
In response to Qui-Gon's plan for him and Obi-Wan to stow aboard separate Trade Federation ships:
Plinkett: Is this guy a fuckin' retard? Maybe that's why they call him Qui-Gon Jinn... 'cuz he's always drinkin' gin.
"So meanwhile Qui-Gon Booze and Obi-Wan are in the underwater city..."
"So they free the Naboo air force, and then they get on a silver jet-thing to run the blockade. Which, again I remind you, the point of a blockade is to stop ships from getting through. So Qui-Gon Jinn could've very easily gotten everyone killed. Does anyone smell gin? Hey! It's 11:30 in the morning! Who's been drinking?!"
"The two most effective, clear-minded, logical guys stay on the ship and wait — while the clumsy idiot, the slow-moving droid, a vulnerable, attractive young woman, and a drunk go wandering around a dangerous city."
Plinkett is not a fan of Yoda's "fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering", saying that all those emotions are interchangeable. He thinks he can do one better:
Plinkett: Lemme share some real wisdom with you: Chicken leads to egg. Egg leads to omelette. Omelette leads to fecal urgency.
This review births a couple of Running Gags throughout Plinkett's Star Wars reviews — but they're a little bit unbuilt in this one, which makes it a little funnier.
Plinkett frequently lambasts Lucas's ham-handed attempts to reuse plot elements from the original trilogy in the prequels, mocking his line, "Y'see, it's like poetry, it's sort of that they rhyme." Plinkett's initial response:
Plinkett: Hm, maybe... but all I know is I was vomiting in stanzas. (splat sound effect) I don't even know what that means.
Plinkett criticizes Lucas's overuse of special effects with a line from producer Rick McCollum describing this film: "Y'see, it's so dense, every single image has so many things going on." Plinkett is distracted by something else:
Plinkett: Fuck you, Rick Berman! You ruined this, too? Stop with the— wait a minute. That ain't Rick Berman. ...What is it with Ricks?
Plinkett addresses the Naboo response to the Trade Federation's invasion:
Sio Bibble: A communications disruption can only mean one thing... invasion! Plinkett: It could also mean you didn't pay your phone bill!
Plinkett made an entire Alternate DVD Commentary for Episode I. He rambles about the movie, his cats, his life, laundry, Bambi, and so much more, getting interrupted by his cats, Gold Shirt Guy, and Not-Darth-Sidious. It's amazing.
Plinkett rants about how if he were in the movie, he'd consider Padme "expendable" because she's just a handmaiden who "does the Queen's laundry." This leads Plinkett on a tangent:
Plinkett: When I was 58, I learned how to do my own laundry. They say the clothes make the man. You know what else they say? Indonesians make the clothes. Both statements are kinda true statements. But I really like doin' laundry...
Plinkett urges the viewers to "occupy George Lucas's front lawn," because he's one of the "one percent".
Plinkett gives instructions to the people he presumes are listening to his commentary while sitting in a theater watching the movie in 3D, along the lines of raising your hand and talking to your neighbor.
Plinkett cuts through George Lucas's Romantic Plot Tumor bullshit in hilarious fashion. He tries to figure out how Anakin could have possibly won over Padme, and he does a play-by-play of Anakin's actions over the course of the film. If Plinkett believes a woman would like it, he gives a "ding!" and a checkmark. If he doesn't, he gives a loud buzzer. He gives out a lot more buzzers than dings:
Plinkett buzzes Anakin several times for talking about himself and not listening to Padme talk about herself. He says it's key to let the woman talk; the guy can just smile, nod, and pretend to listen while thinking about sex with the woman. He imagines Padme's Inner Monologue:
"Holy shit! This guy is a fucking annoying whiner! I really can't see myself with him. If he's bitching about this, imagine how he'll act when I want him to go see Wicked with me."
"For a few minutes it looks like he's learning. Then he goes back to being a prick."note In context Anakin was actually justified, if only a little bit — someone respectfully referred to Anakin as a Jedi, but Padme interrupted to say, "Anakin's not a knight, he's a Padawan learner." As Plinkett pointed out earlier, though, you have to let the lady talk.
Plinkett doesn't mind how Anakin responds to Padme's question about whether the Jedi are allowed to feel love. This is his analysis:
Plinkett: So Padme does a little feeler to see if Anakin and her can fuck in the bathroom. She asks if Jedi are allowed to love. Anakin responds with something about a loophole in the Jedi code. This... kinda pleases her, so we'll give him that one. (ding!) Subtitle: ✓ Talking 'bout love
Plinkett summarizes the fireplace conversation:
Plinkett: Later that night, in a romantic fireplace setting, Padme has changed into a sexy S&M outfit and teases this guy even more. Then he starts crying. Anakin: The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. Plinkett: Then he starts begging for sex. Anakin: I will do anything that you ask. (buzzer) Subtitle: ✖ Begging for sex
When Anakin goes off the deep end, Plinkett's criticism escalates quickly:
✖ Supporting fascism ✖ Killing women and children ✖ Bringing a corpse home ✖ Going on a psychotic megalomaniacal rant
Plinkett gets so impatient with Anakin that he just starts throwing buzzers at him. The sequence ends with Anakin opening his mouth to say something (with his usual half-angry-half-Inelegant Blubbering expression), and only getting that far before Plinkett gives him a buzzer with no further explanation.
"You know what? I've given up trying to make sense of this. George Lucas, I hereby award you with the Totally and Completely Understands Women Award. You've earned it, my friend, you've earned it."
Women, meanwhile, have The Long List of things. It's so long that Plinkett can't finish, but a few highlights:
"He needs to be spontaneous — but only when I'm expecting it." "He needs to be funny, but not too funny, like in a creepy clown kind of way?" "He needs to be family-oriented and good with kids." (shows clip of Anakin slaughtering the Jedi students in the following film)
Plinkett describes the film as like someone dumped out five jigsaw puzzles in a pile and forced you to put them together in an hour. Cut to clip of him doing just that to two female captives in his creepy basement. His "guests" this time around? The two women taunting him with the "That's what he said!" comments. It's a hilariously horrifying turnaround:
Woman:Why are you doing this to us?! Plinkett: Fifty-nine minutes...
Onscreen Chapter Title: "George Lucas Ruins the Lightsaber and the Force All in One Scene"
Plinkett laments the little kids:
Plinkett: Right off the bat, this scene ruins the uniqueness of being trained by Yoda. [...] Now it's like a crowded public school or something.
Plinkett enumerates the various races for whom it would be impractical to use a lightsaber, which is optimised for a humanoid:note One of his examples, Dexter Jettster, actually is the same species as a Jedi from Star Wars: The Clone Wars — Dark Jedi Pong Krell, who's an incredibly proficient fighter.
Plinkett: For example, that one guy that looks like a squid. Y'know, with all dem tentacles swingin' about? A lightsaber could really pose serious injury to his head. Be carefulll...! Or that guy in the background with the really tall thin neck. I know what I'd swing at if I were fightin' him! Or what about this clumsy, fat asshole? (shows Dexter Jettster) His big, fat hands and his slow, lumbering ass would fucking get killed by Darth Maul!
"So Yoda shows up and starts an intergalactic war in order to rescue friends."
Plinkett has a hooker imprisoned in his basement. When he goes to retrieve her, she fears the worst. She certainly doesn't expect him to force her to watch Attack of the Clones with her. By the end, she finds the film so bad she commiserates with Plinkett.
Nadine: ...it's too clean, everything looks too pretty. Who the fuck is that? Who the fuck are these people?
"Before we start, let's recap a little on the whole prequel thing, and how it ruined six years of everyone's lives. Even starving African children in Cambodia!" (image of unidentified impoverished child wearing a Jar-Jar hat)
"This is what they call filler. And it's nowhere near as good as the filler they put in Twinkies! Mmm... I like to fuck my cat." (cut to Plinkett fucking his cat, which has a hilarious Dull Surprise expression)
Plinkett says he'll give the review a full "anal-sis". Accompanied by Spock throwing his trademark Fascinating Eyebrow.
"But the movie was just so fucking boring! With a few exceptions. Like the comedy scenes!" Cut to a romantic moment between Anakin and Padme, with a Laugh Track inserted in.
(clip of Anakin kneeling before Palpatine) "And so Anakin kneels before Monster Mash, and pledges his loyalty to the Graveyard Smash." Plinkett then periodically refers to Palpatine as "Monster Mash" for the rest of the review.
"So, anyway, [Palpatine] tells the Senate that the Jedi — an organization of monks who have been the guardians of peace and justice for over a thousand generations — have suddenly decided to take over the world."
Plinkett(as Palpatine) "Oh, and I also happen to look and sound like a monster who wants to take over the world. Don't mind my creepy black cloak, my horribly evil-sounding voice, or my terrifying face. Also don't mind the fact that I'm yelling about creating a galactic empire run exclusively by me. No no, you see, it's the Jedi who are the ones who tried to take over. That warranted them all being executed by the army that I control by myself without any kind of trial in the courts to prove what I'm saying is true. And then we burned down their temple. And you're all just gonna have to take my word for it. Trust me — look at my face. Would this face lie to you?"
"With these fucking Star Wars I'm always forced to go back to Screenwriting 101, and a big four-letter word that comes to mind." Except Plinkett can't find the word, and every time he gets it wrong, the same clip plays of Yoda turning around with a Disapproving Look.
Plinkett: FUCK. Yoda: ಠ_ಠ Plinkett: Naw, I'm just kidding, the word is CRAP. Yoda: ಠ_ಠ Plinkett: Naw, I'm just kidding, the word is SHIT. Yoda: ಠ_ಠ Plinkett: Naw, I'm just kidding, the word is PISS. Yoda: ಠ_ಠ Plinkett: Naw, I'm just kidding, the word is POOP. Yoda: ಠ_ಠ Plinkett: Naw, I'm just kidding, the word is GARBAGE. Yoda: ಠ_ಠ Plinkett: Naw, I'm just kidding, the word is TONE!
In the middle of the review, Plinkett suddenly hears a ding. Cut to him pulling a VHS of Episode I out of the oven, then dropping it in the toilet, then urinating on it. From the voiceover, it sounds rather uncomfortable.
"I dunno, now I guess he's Darth Vader. And since Darth Vader technically appeared in this film for 10 seconds, we can put him on cereal boxes, cartoons, candy boxes, posters, and whatever..." (clip of a parade of Darth Vader merchandise, accompanied by "We're in the Money")
"So Yoda gives up, Obi-Wan gives up, and then so does Vader."
"[Vader] is not even gonna look into the whole Padme thing and what happened to her. He's just gonna trust Monster Mash, who just got away with lying to the whole universe."
Plinkett freaks out about the similarities between the prequels and the original trilogy.
"After all, these are just simple movies made for kids and not adults at all, which is why they have: Assassination attempts. Sexual innuendo. Decapitations. Kidnap, torture, and suggested rape. Hookers. Boring political dialogue. Forced amputations. Drug dealing. Mass murder."
"And don't say it was the will of the Force! Unless you don't want me to send you a Pizza Roll... an' whenna sennit to you, 'm gonna shovvit up yer ass..." (image of Kit Fisto)
Plinkett addresses how the producers appeared to want to make the film appeal to Black people. Since directly pandering to Black people could be seen as racist, he notes that the producers refer to Blacks as the "urban market".
Plinkett: Now, the "urban market" stole my TV once, so I know they like movies.
Plinkett does some Product Placement — he takes the Kodak Printer Challenge! Except he got confused, so he did it for a decade rather than a year. He reads out the results during the review:
Caption: You saved... $-0.32! Plinkett: What...? After fucking ten years, that's all I saved?! You piece of fucking CRAP! WHAT?!?! Where's that goddamn printer at?
(smashes printer to bits) Plinkett: At least Kodak gave me 20 grand for that plug. Unfortunately, I spent it all on hair plugs.
(shows picture of botched hairplug surgery) Plinkett: Gaaahhh!
"Darth Vader should never say the word 'Padme'. Or 'Snuffleupagus'."
One of Plinkett's first videos ever was a commentary on Vader's infamous Big "NO!" scene. He gets to that point in his full review of Episode III, and then this happens:
Plinkett: See, Vader is angry. He breaks everything, and steps away... and then Yoda tells Obi-Wan that he should talk to Qui-Gon's ghost! (Laugh Track) What the fuck? Nooneevermentionedanytimeabout talkin' to ghosts!
"The entire Senate is filled with stupid idiots." (image of the U.S. Senate) "...Yeah, okay, that's true."
Plinkett points out all the Plot Holes in General Grievous's assassination. Every time he does, he says, "I'm so confused," and cuts to the same clip of Yoda rubbing his head in confusion.
Palpy wonders if he'll be in Star Wars Rebels. Plinkett doesn't care.
Palpy: I think that takes place between Episode... whatwoulditbe... 3 and... 6... I don't even know anymore. I can't keep track of this fucking shit. Plinkett: I don't know if you're in the fucking cartoon show. I don't watch cartoons!
Plinkett confuses a Fan Film with the same title for the actual movie's trailer. The Fan Film looks pretty crude:
Palpy and Plinkett each tune each other out by listening on an MP3 player to Taylor Swift's "Blank Space".
Plinkett accidentally admits to masturbating to Olsen Twins movies (and Indiana Jones, Star Wars, and Star Trek). This leads to a ludicrous scene where he ejaculates large quantities of semen at a TV showing an Olsen Twins movie... and can't stop. (Even though he claims at other points that he can't produce semen or even achieve an erection.)
Plinkett releases a teaser for his review, looking at the poster and pointing out the characters he thinks he recognizes:
"I'd recognize Chewbacca anywhere!" (pointing at Leia) "...Oh, wait a minute, there's Chewbacca."
(on BB-8) "What is that? R2-D2 got a beer belly?"
"I haven't even seen the fuckin' movie yet and I hate it!!"
Plinkett is horrified by the prospect of Disney churning out a new Star Wars film every year for the foreseeable future, but he takes solace in the fact that he's too old to have to live through much of a Star Wars cinematic universe. He imagines himself dead and comfortably happy in hell, when he won't have to watch any more Star Wars films — until a screen is dragged in front of him with the title "Episode DCLXVI — ENDLESS LIGHTSABERS".
Rich Evans appears for the second time in a Plinkett review, this time playing an Axe-Crazy George Lucas.
Plinkett thinks Star Wars fans think of Kylo Ren as an "emu".
The relationship between Kylo Ren, Han, and Leia is brilliantly and hilariously juxtaposed with the Veruca Salt song from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory:
♫Who do you blame when your kid is a brat Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat Blaming the kids is a lie and a shame You know exactly who's to blame: The mother and the father!♫
Plinkett advances his own theory: Snoke is Luke in disguise, like The Wizard of Oz. He then cuts together a very on-the-nose comparison montage with the latter film:
Plinkett: ♫ We're off to see the Wizard! The wonderful Wizard of Ooold!♫
Plinkett discusses inclusiveness in Star Wars and lists all the gay characters in the series (with "YMCA" in the background):
Biggs Darklight: Gay A Mos Eisley Cantina alien: Gay Luke: Gay Conan Antonio Montti: Sooo gay R2-D2: Implied gay Grand Moff Tarkin: Elderly gay Bib Fortuna: Eastern European gay Rebel watchman: Lonely gay Lando Calrissian:Not gay at all Mon Mothma: Probably lesbian Dancer in Jabba's palace: For sure lesbian Sarlacc: Possibly asexual Shmi Skywalker:For sure asexual
"Ah shaddup, shaddup, you know you laughed! ...Had a coupla vodka gimlets tonight, so I might say a few weird things, but whatever..." (crash)
The "deleted scene" from the much more hard-edged original trilogy: "Bitches, leave!"
Plinkett claims to have been "triggered" by Han using the phrase "mumbo jumbo", claiming it's a racist corruption of a real African spiritual practice.
Plinkett: That's racist! This whole movie is a racist nightmare!
Plinkett initially has trouble understanding why the Millennium Falcon had to be in the movie, before playing several simultaneous clips of Internet commenters fangasming at the ship's appearance in the trailer.
Plinkett: Okay, I see why they left it in.
Plinkett decries all the blog articles in which "clever" Internet people praised the prequel trilogy as revisionist history, and spoofs it with his own article in which he claims the Back to the Future trilogy is better than the Star Wars original trilogy:
Plinkett: That's my article, thanks for clicking on it, you fuck!
The "pizza phone sex" bit. It's exactly as weird as you think.
"As he left, [George Lucas] reportedly fell down the stairs, dusted himself off with embarrassment, and stepped on a rake!"
"I remember the first time I saw Darth Maul vs. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon. It was beyond epic! I was four!"
"Remember when Yoda— I-I mean, Maz Cantina... or as she's known on the streets, 'Butthole-Eyes'..."
"Why didn't Finn get a horrible bacterial infection after drinking standing water with monster saliva in it? Doesn't J. J. Abrams know about science?!"
"Humor and action is essentially this: You can just eat the icing on the cake, which is tasty, but you'll get real fat, you'll get cavities, and your teeth will rot out! And after eating too much, you'll start to get sick of it!"
Plinkett's video addressing the criticism of his Rogue One review is about twice as long as the review itself. Plinkett evidently felt Rogue One wasn't even worth his time, and the fanboys are clearly pissing him off:
"Or maybe your brains don't work so well because there's a Darth Vader toy stuck in it!"
Plinkett reacts to a user telling him that they thought he wasn't a real Star Wars fan for not liking all the films. Plinkett is hung up on his use of "your" when he meant "you're":
Plinkett: And you're not gonna graduate high school!
The film disappoints Plinkett as much as his son. But not the son who hanged himself in a gas station bathroom — his other son, who he's so ashamed of he never mentioned him until now: Rian Johnson.
Plinkett: He used to mow my fucking lawn! One time he added fertilizer to my overgrown grass and made it worse! He told me he was "subverting my expectations". I told him to go fuck himself! I fired him... and I didn't let him mow another lawn again." (coughs, clears throat)
Plinkett repeatedly mocks Rian Johnson's insistence on — and pride in — "subverting audience expectations", as though it were always an inherently and manifestly great thing to do in storytelling. At one point, he shows a short film of "Johnson's" called "The Wine Tasting" (with Rich Evans as Johnson), in which Johnson looks like he's going to pour a glass of wine for himself, only to pour the wine on the table and cackle maniacally. It even ends with a "Fin" title card.
"Don't question her leadership! She has purple hair!"
Plinkett's insistence on the film's box office failure in China being due to the shoddy military tactics on display, and the fact that it was directed by a "pudgy folk singer from California."
Plinkett is sidetracked into a discussion of Trojan condoms, which he admits he doesn't use because (1) his wife is dead; (2) he can't get an erection anymore, and (3) his cat ripped off his penis in 1969. Since it was in the middle of the moon landing, he was even recording, and he plays the audio.
"Remember, kids... if it sounds like a snake, it's a mistake!" (several clips of DJ's odd stuttering)
Plinkett finds a film that parallels The Last Jedi perfectly: National Lampoon's Vacation. It works way better than it has any right to.
Plinkett is annoyed that Poe would say, "She drew them off, all of them!", when he has no way of knowing it's Rey piloting the Falcon. He then sees the Fan Wank that Poe's referring to the ship... at which point he gets angrier at the "outdated, sexist sailor-talk", which has no place in a "progressive" film like The Last Jedi. He then goes on to petition Antifa to protest the film.
There are good places to throw in a Dolemite reference, and there are perfect places to do it. Finn and Rose's subplot is a perfect time:
"BITCH, are you for REAL?!"
"I'm not suggesting a boycott... but boy... I do love cots."
"It's amazing how wrong this film is. It's like putting a Jackson Pollock painting in an art gallery... during a realism exhibit. If that reference is too cerebral for you, then it's like saying poo is pee."
"Ghostbusters isn't the best place for a queef joke."
"But the thing is, I'm not sure what the point of this movie was. Other than obviously being Sony's attempt to establish a Ghostbusters cinematic universe, which ended about as well as a Sonny Bono ski trip."
Plinkett complains about the over-saturated colors and imagines a Sony executive was responsible. He has hidden camera proof, with Rich Evans as the Sony exec.
Sony executive: Yeah, hey, Paul, I've been checking out those dailies, and it looks great! It does notlook like barf. Uh, but I was thinking, maybe we can make that movie look more like barf? Yeah, I just wanna, y'know, knock the saturation levels up, just a little bit, so it looks like everybody has high blood pressure, or maybe they're wearing, y'know, way too much makeup... uh, yeah, my grand vision is like, all right... "Willy Wonka throwing up in a Skittles factory". ...Yeah, I know it'll look like hot garbage, but this movie is a giant turd, and y'know, maybe if it's more colorful, the movie will be funny!
Rich Evans as the film exec makes another cameo, this time alongside Jack Packard doing a dead-on, smarmy impression of Paul Feig chuckling on set during production.
Sony executive: Paul... if nobody's talking, nobody's laughing. Paul Feig: All right... (at the actors) Okay, now just say anything funny that comes to mind, regardless of context.
"Oh look, the soup has only one wonton in it. That's hilarious... Fuck you, fatso!"
"Now, I will do my very best to avoid singing the praises of the original film. Y'know, to avoid sounding biased. We all know what they are. We all know it's one of the best movies ever made, with some of the best performances and characters. We all know it didn't need to be remade. So I'll avoid saying how great it is, and how perfect. Just how absolutely perfect it is. I won't talk about how every line of dialogue is expertly written and delivered. And I certainly won't mention how unique and awesome it was. How perfect the villains were, and how great and well-developed each character was. I will do my very best not to mention those things."
"The casting of this movie isn't the problem. Only in rare cases is the casting of a movie so bad that it ruins the whole film. A good script and a good director could make anything work. Who would have thought that Mr. Mom could be Batman? Or that Charlton Heston could play a Mexican? Or that Lindsay Lohancould play adrug-addled stripper?"
Plinkett goes off on a tangent about how he's sick of people trying to sell him convection ovens, then starts talking to an infomercial.
Narrator: Are you too busy to cook a wholesome meal for the family? Plinkett: I don't got a family. Narrator: Do you hate the hassle of waiting for your food to thaw? Plinkett: No. Narrator: Has fast food become a regular on your family's dinner table? Plinkett: Why, I love fast food. Narrator: Are you concerned about gaining weight and high cholesterol— Plinkett:No. Narrator: —due to unhealthy eating habits? Plinkett:No!
"Problem is, Ghostbusters isn't a movie where you point your camera at your actors and yell, 'Say funny things!' Those are called Judd Apatow movies. And usually, they're about people, sex, relationships, virginity, farts, pussies, lesbians, shitting, hookers, drinking booze, swearing, sluts, dudebros, smoking pot, video games, taking dumps, tits, and so on."
Plinkett's increasing annoyance at the constant ad-libbing and Filling the Silence:
Plinkett:(during the hearse scene) Stop talking! ...Stop talking! ...Stop talking! Stop talking! For the love of God, stop talking! Stop talking!
"Ghostbusters shouldn't be a grade-school play filled with adults making jokes about poo."
Plinkett's ever-building rage at Paul Feig's seemingly complete inability to understand the movie he was building off of, his role as a director, or even the basic tents of comedy.
Plinkett:(almost choking on his anger) DO YOU GET THAT, PAUL FEEEIIIG?!
Paul Feig, on the DVD Commentary, comments on Holtzmann's taunting "come out, come out, wherever you are...", noting that he paid thousands for the right to play that clip but forgot which movie it came from, guessing it was from "some Disney movie". Plinkett can't contain his rage as he shows the clip of the original:
Plinkett: It's from kind of a little obscure movie called The Wizard of Oz?! The most famous movie ever made?! You know that's in your movie now, right?! And you don't even know what it's from?!
Plinkett assigns blame for the whole movie on... the notoriously difficult to satisfy Bill Murray, who held out for decades on making a third Ghostbusters movie, using a clause in his contract to unilaterally prevent it from happening; once Harold Ramis died it was too late to do it. Plinkett mostly shows clips of Murray from the Jimmy Kimmel Live! reunion segment, in which he looks extremely depressed and regretful (and also gets sat on by Jimmy's sidekick Guillermo, who's dressed as the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man).
Plinkett: I'm glad you spent all those precious years of your life voicing Garfield movies. Fuck y—
Plinkett attempts to save time by talking about four films at once. Then he realizes it was a bad idea, but only because he forgot to mention a couple — so he does it again with six films at once. Then he continues as normal.
"Who was his trainer? Mike Vick? Did you get the joke? It's because Michael Vick would often throw passes that would go well ahead of the intended receiver.note Vick was a promising quarterback who had his career derailed when he was arrested for running a dog-fighting operation.
"Fuck off, ghost!"
"So instead of getting her metrosexual son a haircut and slapping him across the face..."
Plinkett: And in goddamn Firehouse Dog, it takes place in a firehouse, and the dog becomes a firehouse dog. Get it? Gee, I wasn’t expecting that from a movie called Firehouse Dog. [Beat] …Fuck.
The closeups of Jack Dawson's sketchbook reveal lots of crudely drawn naked women.
Plinkett reveals his age:
Plinkett:Sinatra, you fuck! You bought your rug at Gillman's Discount Wigs in Joisey! You cheapskate! I know it because I sold it to you!
"When the Titanic was built, it was the largest moving object ever created by man. Other than President Taft."
Plinkett:Taft, you fuck! You bought your clothes at the Portly Gentleman Used Clothing Store! You cheapskate! I know it because I sold it to you!
Plinkett's so old he was on the Titanic. And he knows who really sank it: he did. At the urging of his friend, Tony the Pizza Roll. Then a UFO came and blasted the ship in half.
"Let's move on to Catherine Zeta-Jones's character, Isabella. She's a lady that's a little disillusioned by the show of high society, kinda like Kate Winslet. She's in kind of a boring, loveless marriage back home in the States, but she hooks up with someone she used to be in love with. Someone who she's not supposed to be with. And that excites her vajins. And that excites her vajinoo. And I think that excited her vajo. And that excites her vajini. Vageeni. Vajona."
"Kate Winslet was also disillusioned by the socialite crowd and lifestyle, and chose the allure of forbidden love. She was supposed to marry Cliff, so the idea of running off with Jack also excited her vajo. So the idea of running off with Jack also excited her vagon. Vageenzo. Valgo. Vagoogoo. Vajala. Vagoona. Squishbox."
"If I wanted a message, I would go listen to my answering machine!"
Answering machine: Hi Mr. Plinkett, Bob Foster here from the Department of Cultural Guilt... uh, just a friendly courtesy call to remind you about the horrible things that you did to the Native Americans. Uh, please continue to feel guilty about this... and, uh, if you have any questions, give me a call back — the number's 202— (Plinkett pours coffee on the machine and shorts it out)
Plinkett comes back to the machine and smashes it with a hammer:
Plinkett:Get ouuut! Get ouuuuuut!
Other/Unsorted
Cleaning up cat shit to the tune of La Danse Macabre.
Re-releasing the Phantom Menace review in 3D with added special effects.
An update starts with Jay and Mike talking about merchandise... and then this happens:
Plinkett: Enough of this sell-out crap! When's the next Plinkett review— Oh wait, I'm me.
After Half in the Bag and re:View both reviewed Transformers: The Last Knight and both did a Bait-and-Switch and didn't actually review it, Plinkett decides to review it himself. And he also does a Bait-and-Switch — he gets 30 seconds into the review before pulling a Screw This, I'm Outta Here. There's still 57 minutes left in the review, which consists of a black screen with Transformers sound effects.
a Fan Film with the same title for the actual movie's trailer. The Fan Film looks pretty crude:Plinkett: This is the new Star Wars film? ...Jesus, it looks awesome!