Funny / Cheers


  • In "Endless Slumper", Rick, a young pitcher for the Red Sox in the midst of a slump, seeks out advice from Coach and Sam on how to overcome it. Diane tells Sam to suggest meditation, Coach suggests having an active sex life. While the pitcher shies away, Diane overhears and encourages him to do it (thinking he is talking about meditation), and offers to do it with him. The icing on the cake is Sam laughing his ass off at watching Diane dig herself deeper and deeper.
    Diane: Oh, wait, now, wait just a minute. Don't say that it's not the answer until you've tried it.
    Sam: Diane, Diane...
    Diane: Excuse me. My name is Diane, I have done this for years, I'll tell you, I would be happy to teach you how to do it.
    Rick: Well, Diane, this is very kind of you but I don't think...
    Diane: No, no no. Please do me the favor of trying it with me.
    Rick: [to Sam] Is she serious?
    Sam: Oh yes. She's serious. She does it all the time. She just said so.
    Diane: That's right.
    Rick: [pointing to Sam and Diane] Uh, do you, uh...?
    Sam: No. No.
    Diane: Are you kidding? Him? He would just make jokes. [Sam almost does a Spit Take]
    Rick: Well okay then. Okay! What time's good for you?
    Diane: Well... personally I like to get at least half an hour of it in before breakfast. But, um... look, any time is all right with me.
    Rick: Golly, I like you!
    Diane: You know there is something so beautiful about experiencing it outdoors.
    Rick: Don't people stare at you?
    Diane: Yes, sometimes, but they end up learning something. Sometimes people even join in. You know all this talk had gotten me so excited, what the hell, let's do it now!
    Rick: Uh... outside?
    Diane: Oh, oh no, no, it's a little cold and I prefer to take my shoes off. [at this point, Sam is doing all he can to refrain from guffawing] Um, Sam could we use your office?
    Sam: Wait a minute. I'm sorry, I let this go too far-
    Diane: [while walking with Rick to the office] No no, we don't need to hear from Mr. Skeptic. Rick here is after something and I can show him where it is.
    [They go in Sam's office. Beat. Slap! Diane exits, Facial Tic worse than ever.]
  • "Dance, Diane, Dance":
    • The Teaser for the episode finds the crowd at Cheers watching a televised football game when the picture quality suddenly takes a turn for the worse. When Sam sends Woody over for a bit of Antenna Adjusting, he slips off his perch and is left hanging from the set, several feet off the floor - which, naturally, fixes the picture... almost. Cliff pulls one of Woody's legs up and balances his foot on the top of the panelling to fix a slight colour problem.
      Woody: Wow, I sure hope this game doesn't go into overtime!
    • Diane nervously going back and forth over whether she might have left the stove on in her apartment:
      Diane: No...it's off.
      Sam: Ah.
      Diane: (Squirms) I think...! (Sam turns to her; she shrugs) It's off! Of course it's off—It's ON, my apartment's on fire! (Beat, shrugs) Still—
      Sam: Go—go-go-go-go....
    • After she gets distracted about the upcoming letter from Madame Likhova, her ballet instructor, and starts going on about her dream of being a dancer:
      Carla: Excuse me, Diane, but isn't your apartment on fire—?
      Diane: OH, MY GOD—I COMPLETELY FORGOT! (Bolts towards the door) My poor kitty—! (Stops short) Wait a minute...I'm sure I turned it off...!
      Carla: HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! (Wheezing cough) Meaaaaaaaaaaaaaaow! (Hangs head limp with tongue out)
      (Diane bolts out of the bar)note 
    • Diane's ballet tape. We never actually get to see the video, but the reaction by the gang at Cheers is hysterical.
      Diane: All my life I always wanted to dance so badly.
      Norm: (barely able to keep from bursting out laughing) Looks like you got your wish!
  • "Second Time Around" introduces Frasier's fellow psychiatrist - and eventual wife - Lilith Sternin, MD, Ph.D., Ed.D., APAnote  ("Boy, it sure isn't spelled like it sounds!" says Woody), who arrives at Cheers on a date with Frasier. Though Diane is encouraged to see Frasier dating again, Lilith's frosty stoicism and Frasier's defensiveness are a toxic combination, and she shoots down any prospect of either the date or their personal relationship going anywhere. Frasier seems to take it well, but...
    Frasier: So, um... how do you like Cheers?
    Lilith: [thinks] Well. It seems adequate for its purpose, but I have a feeling that you only brought me to this place to surround yourself with people you know and I don't.
    Frasier: Well, yes. But what's more, I thought that we might have a drink or two, thereby lowering our inhibitions a bit, and enabling us to go back to your place and have a physical encounter of some sort.
    Lilith: Well, we won't.
    Frasier: [nods] I appreciate your candour.
    Lilith: No, you don't.
    Frasier: You're right, I feel like striking you. [downs his beer, then sets down his glass and seethes with quiet anger]
    Lilith: Your attempt at machismo is totally inadequate. You can't even make eye contact!
    Frasier: [pointing at Lilith, but still not looking at her] I could look at you if I wanted to, but frankly I've grown tired of counting the comb marks in your hair.
    [later, after Frasier has gone to the men's room, while Lilith has been paged and asked Diane to tell Frasier that she was thoroughly uncomfortable on their date and that she doesn't think they should see each other again in a non-professional capacity]
    Carla: [sarcastically] What, no good night kiss?
    Lilith: I kiss only as a prelude to passion. [leaves]
    Sam: Well, we've been warned.
    Diane: Oh, dear... it appears Frasier has been rejected again.
    Carla: That poor yutz... even the trash only gets dumped once a week!
    Frasier: [returning from the men's room] Where's Lilith?
    Diane: Dr. Sternin was called away on an emergency.
    Frasier: Well, that's all right, I didn't much care for Lilith. Sam, do you mind if I, uh, just use your office for a moment?
    Sam: Sure... how come?
    Frasier: [opens the door to Sam's office] I'm going to weep. [heads inside and closes the door]
  • "Abnormal Psychology":
    • Frasier is booked to appear on the Boston talk show Psychology This Week, but when his original "opponent" is forced to cancel and is replaced by Dr. Lilith Sternin - whom he has disliked ever since their disastrous first date in "Second Time Around" - he decides to bow out rather than subject himself to her presence again. However, before he can formally cancel, Lilith stops by Cheers and gets into an argument with Frasier over the ground rules for their TV appearance, and Frasier decides to go through with it for the chance to get the better of Lilith in front of a wider audience. Diane is convinced their antipathy is simply denial of their attraction to each other, and gives Lilith a makeover (the central pillar of which is taking her hair out of its usual bun) before her TV appearance. It works, and not just on Frasier:
      Sam: [watching Frasier and Lilith on TV] You really made her look beautiful, Diane!
      Carla: [to Diane] Physician, heal thyself. [Diane doesn't even look at Carla as she waves her hand at her in a "Yes, whatever, now go away" gesture]
    • Frasier and Lilith's "debate" is one of the series' funniest scenes. On their end, Double Entendre, and Getting Crap Past the Radar. On Sam and Diane's end, Hands Play in Theater and Strangely Arousing. All Up to Eleven!
      Moderator: You've made many excellent points, Dr. Sternin... how do you respond to them, Dr. Crane? [Frasier inadvertently gives his real answer by remaining utterly distracted by Lilith's appearance] Dr. Crane?
      Frasier: [shakes head] Excuse me, what was the question? Oh, uh, yes, of course, excuse me, um... my method of... flooding seeks out the patient's... oh, most sensitive and vulnerable spot in the defence system, and, uh... [shot of a transfixed Lilith] penetrates... probing deeper and deeper... into the patient's psyche. Thrusting over and over... [at Cheers, Sam gradually puts his arms around Diane, both of them hanging on Frasier's every word] thereby uncovering the reality behind the irrational fear. [shot of an even more transfixed Lilith]
      Moderator: [flummoxed] Thank you, Dr. Crane. Anything to add, Dr. Sternin?
      Lilith: [only half-listening] Yes. [recovers] Uh, ahem, although... Dr. Crane's method is faster... [shot of a captivated Frasier] a slow, and methodical approach can be much more rewarding. [at Cheers, Sam and Diane's fingers are intertwining; he breathes in the scent of her hair] A gentle stroking of the psyche... will bring about a far more in- intense... release of emotion... [shot of an even more captivated Frasier] building, until the patient quite often will cry out [Sam and Diane are practically melting in each other's arms] in release of satisfaction and joy.
      Frasier: [struggling for breath] Point well taken...
      Sam: [disengaging from Diane] This intellectual stuff's getting me all hot. [Diane wipes her brow with a towel; Sam does likewise]
      Diane: This is embarrassing, we shouldn't be watching this. [picks up the remote] ... well, maybe just a little while longer. [puts the remote down again]
      Sam: Yeah.
      Moderator: And that concludes this afternoon's programme.
      Cheers patrons and staff: Awww!/Hey!/Booo!...
      Moderator: [shakes Lilith's hand] Dr. Sternin. [shakes Frasier's hand] Dr. Crane. Thank you for joining us.
      [Lilith uncrosses and re-crosses her legs, accidentally kicking Frasier's foot as she does so]
      Frasier: Oh - excuse me.
      Moderator: For a written transcript of this afternoon's show, [Lilith and Frasier, completely lost in each other's eyes, begin rubbing their feet further and further up each other's legs throughout the following] please send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to Psychology This Week, Box 84037, Boston, Massachusetts, 0220... [trails off as he notices Frasier and Lilith's game of footsie] 5.
      Sam: [as every single patron at Cheers frantically looks for something to write on and write with] What was that box number again??
    • Later that day, Lilith stops by Cheers to apologise to Frasier for the Psychology This Week debacle:
      [Lilith has suggested that she and Frasier put the incident behind them and move on with their lives in the interest of maintaining their professional careers]
      Frasier: [hiding his disappointment] Oh. That... is probably wise, you see, I've already lost...three patients as a result of today's fiasco.
      Lilith: That's odd. I picked up three.
      [Frasier stiffens; Sam scoffs and Diane snickers]
      Lilith: While we're on the subject, Dr. Crane—I suggest that your behavior indicates an unacceptable level of sexual frustration. You strike me as a man who needs professional help—or...perhaps a girlfriend!
    • Their animosity re-awakened, Frasier and Lilith exchange frosty goodbyes, but as Lilith turns to leave, Diane pretends that the refrigerator door is stuck and needs to be opened with a hairpin. Frasier sees right through the ruse - and still manages to fall headlong into it:
      Frasier: Oh, look, don't you see!? [gets up and marches over to Lilith] What these two people, who are such geniuses at romance, are trying to do is to get you to take your hair down, thinking that it will stimulate me like some sort of Pavlovian dog. [he glares at Sam and Diane, who look sheepish] So why don't you just... oblige them, get this silliness over with so we can get on with our lives.
      Lilith: [sighs, removes her hairpin, and shakes her hair out] You mean like this.
      Frasier: [stimulated like some sort of Pavlovian dog] Precisely. You know what?
      Lilith: [breathing more heavily along with Frasier] What?
      Frasier: I'm going to kiss you. I'm going to kiss you hard, and I'm going to kiss you long. [Diane grins triumphantly as Sam looks bewildered] But make no mistake about it, I am going to kiss you. In fact, I'm going to kiss you like you've never- [Lilith throws her arms around him and kisses him like he's never been kissed before] ... yes. Like that. Now listen, Lilith, I think that you and I have just been too articulate for words. We talk, and we talk, when what we really want to do is show how we feel-
      Lilith: I think, Dr. Crane-
      Frasier: Look, I don't care what you think! We both want to be animals! Now I'm going back to my tastefully decorated townhouse and prove it. [heads for the door, but Lilith stays put] Well, I- I suggest you come with me. [gestures to the door]
      Lilith: [marching past Frasier] I think I see what you're trying to do, Dr. Crane, and I just want you to know... it worked. [jumps into his arms] Let's go! [Frasier carries Lilith out of the door as another patron enters, watching them go in utter confusion]
  • "What is... Cliff Clavin?":
    • In The Teaser, a guy enters the bar for the first time in 20 years and talks to Woody about how everything is different, ending in this gem:
      Patron: I guess everything changes in 20 years. They've even changed the panelling.
      Woody: Where?
      Patron: Over there, behind Norm.
    • The episode climaxes with Cliff's Jeopardy! appearance, as he blows a $22,000 lead by wagering everything he has won on the Final Jeopardy answer "Archibald Leach, Bernard Schwartz, Lucille LaSueur"... and stumbling his way to the question "Who are three people who have never been in my kitchen?"
      Cliff: Wait a minute, Alex. I can offer conclusive proof that those three people have never been in my kitchen.
  • Sam's complete breakdown during the last act of "Bad Neighbor Sam".
  • Sam and Diane's "almost" wedding: shot from over the minister's shoulder, showing all the money being passed around behind Sam and Diane to pay off bets whether they would or not.
    • The famous "alternate ending" of the wedding, when They Do. Leave it to Sam and Diane to have the "I Dos" come out of an argument.
  • Eddie LeBec discovers Carla's pregnant with twins: "This is the happiest night of my life!"
  • Frasier: "Oh—now you're saying that I'm redundant! That I repeat myself! That I say things over and over!
  • Any and all of Diane's putdowns on Sam's love life.
    Sam: That's the girl. Claudia's been a tough nut to crack, but tonight's the night she's going to be enjoying all the rides in Sammy's Magic Kingdom.
    Diane: She's in for a Mickey Mouse evening with Goofy as her guide.
  • Much of the hilarity of the show during the Diane years stems from Sam the Manchild clashing with Diane the Drama Queen. The result is invariably a BIG "Like an Old Married Couple" moment:
    Sam: You know—while we're talking about problems, you wanna know what really, REALLY bugs me about you?
    Diane: Fine!
    Diane: Pretzels!
    Sam: Yeah, that's right—three bites! Not two, not one like the rest of us—but THREE BITES!
    Diane: Do you want to know what "bugs" me about YOU?!
    Sam: Oh, I'd love to. What?
    Diane: THE COLOGNE YOU ALWAYS WEAR IS TOTALLY WITHOUT NUANCE!!!
  • "Cliffy's Big Score" is a classic episode.
    • Carla meets her date, Lucas.
      Lucas: (mumbles something incoherently)
      Carla: What did he say?
      Norm: I can't believe it matters.
    • Carla sums it up:
      Carla: Well, I can see this is going to be a laugh a minute. An evening with the Stick, the Nerd, and Door Number Three.
    • The funniest part is that Carla finds Lucas is a "real groove" when all they do all night is have sex in the back of Cliff's car.
  • Any and all of the stories about Woody's family.
    Woody: My uncle Wayne was a master at putting women in the romantic mood.
    Sam: What did he do?
    Woody: Gave them money. Worked like a charm.
  • "'I' on Sports":
    • Sam tries to appeal to younger viewers. This being the 1980s, this naturally means he attempts a rap song. The funniest part? Woody loves it.
      Time to rap about a contr-o-versy,
      Gonna take a stand, won't show no mercy,
      Lotta folks says jocks shouldn't be,
      Doing the sports news on TV,
      But I don't want to get the latest scores,
      From a buncha broadcast (beat) school boys,
      So get your scores from a guy like me,
      Who knows what it's like to have a groin in-jur-y,
      G-g-g, groin-n, in-in-in, groin, in-in, groin in-jur-y
    • Of course, Sam takes the badness Up to Eleven by bringing a ventriloquist dummy on his next outing. It's so bad, Carla exclaims, "Oh. My. God." and Rebecca mutters, "If either of them mention the bar, I'm suing." The look on co-anchor Joanne's face is priceless.
  • Almost every cold opening. Some favorites include:
    • Everyone in the bar stuck in the men's room. Then someone tries to use it, and everyone shouts "Occupied!"
    • Norm trying to explain economics to Woody by tearing up one of Cliff's dollar bills. Carla then decides to do it with a $20 bill.
    • Woody, cleaning up, listens to an ad for a stenographers' school on the radio. He tries to write the phone number, but can't, and goes back on to listening.
    • Everybody's locked out of the bar, and it's cold. Norm comes to the rescue—he's got his own set of keys.
    • Diane becomes frustrated when no one cares when she enters the bar, comparing the lukewarm response to the boisterous "NORM!" Norm always gets. She asks if she can have a greeting like that for once; Sam agrees; she leaves and comes back in; and everyone yells..."NORM!"
    • Norm comes to Cheers early and tells Sam he's decided to have a productive, active day. Sam lists off several outdoor activities to do, such as hiking or swimming, and Norm comes up with excuses to avoid them all. Finally, Sam guesses that Norm's chosen activity will be sitting in the bar all day and drinking beer; Norm "decides" this is the perfect suggestion and asks for a round.
    • Carla opens up Cheers first thing in the morning and puts on "I Got the Sun in the Morning" from Annie Get Your Gun. She dances around the bar, climbing on the tables and riding the chairs down to arrange them, laughs, and generally has an amazing time. The second Sam and Rebecca arrive, though, she immediately adopts her cranky persona.
    • Woody is excited to see that the book of crossword puzzles he's ordered has arrived. He says that the best thing about the book is that it lists all the answers in the back, which can help with tough clues. He, Norm, and Cliff then start filling in the first puzzle...by copying directly out of the answer section. "These things aren't so hard!"
    • The guys show off various tricks they can do with their fingers and hands. Lilith overhears and shows off her own skill: putting her entire fist into her mouth. She's declared "queen" of such tricks, and starts writing a message, which the gang initially thinks is her going for bonus points...but she's actually writing "My fist is stuck. Call 911."
  • "The Days of Wine and Neuroses":
    • The episode begins with most of the regulars complaining about the jukebox being taken out for repairs and how its replacement, a karaoke machine, is not something they could ever imagine using. Frasier spends the entire scene loudly protesting that they never used the jukebox in the first place.
    • Once the karaoke machine arrives, Norm and Cliff singing "Lollipop" turns into a Running Gag. The hilarity is dialled Up to Eleven when they sing it after having inhaled helium.
  • A real-life example during a Q&A with cast and crew members sometime after a bridge was dropped on Eddie. Jay Thomas popped up and asked in front of the audience, "Yeah, why did I die?" The audience erupted into laughter as a result. May double as a CMOA depending on your point-of-view on the whole thing.
  • This exchange:
    Frasier: Even the abstract concept of death is absurd. A pale bony figure coming up to tap you on the shoulder when your number's up.
    Lilith: (silently comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder) Frasier, it's time to go.
    Frasier: AAAAH!
  • In "Fifty-Fifty Carla", Woody gets a part in the play Hair - only to learn part of it traditionally involves being naked on-stage. Throughout the episode, he's nervous over the prospect and tries to muster the courage to do it. Later after the first performance, an embarrassed Woody returns to the bar. He did get naked on-stage - even ripping his clothes right off. However, the director stated no one needed to take their clothes off if they didn't want to - and no one else did.
    Woody: As if that wasn't bad enough, I heard this high-pitched scream from the audience: "Hey look, he's the only one who's naked!"
    Norm: Sorry, Woody. It took me by surprise.
  • Cliff and Norm discussing Casper the Friendly Ghost:
    Norm: I don't get it. Start of the cartoon, Casper has no friends. End of the cartoon, he has friends. Start of the next cartoon, he has no friends again. What happened?
    Cliff: I think it's obvious what happened. Casper was quenching his thirst for blood.
  • From "The Last Picture Show", Norm, Cliff, Woody, and Frasier go to see a Godzilla marathon at a drive-in before it closes permanently, and an observation that one of the actresses in the recurring cast left while the series was still commercially successful sets up a great moment of Reality Subtext coupled with a Take That! aimed at Shelley Long: "Why would an actress leave in the middle of a successful series?" Which was mocked on The Simpsons episode "Flaming Moe's", in which the Diane Expy leaves Moe's.
    Moe: She left to pursue a movie career. Frankly, I think she was better off here.
  • Frasier's adaptation of A Tale of Two Cities to the bar. He reads off the famous opening lines, and everyone gradually loses interest...until he throws in an interesting twist that comes from Stephen King's IT. "And there was...a BLOODTHIRSTY CLOWN! Who lured little children down into the sewers and SWALLOWED THEM WHOLE!"
    • His attempt to create interest in David Copperfield involves talking about two coppers, a field and bodily dismemberment.
    • "Y'know, in the space of the last 30 seconds, we have witnessed deceit, sexual turmoil and sudden senseless violence. It puts me in mind of a passage from... The Pickwick Papers."
    • Other items on the list include Oliver Twist: The Wrath of Fagin and adding "four pizza-loving turtles" to a classic.
  • In "The Tortelli Tort", after the Red Sox lose again, Carla gets on a bar stool and announces that she is no longer a Red Sox fan, and everyone else in the bar says the rant alongside her, showing that she had said it multiple times. Even Diane is reciting along with Carla - and she has only known her for a few weeks at this point.
    Carla: May I have your attention, please? I have an announcement to make. As of right now...
    Everyone along with Carla: Carla Tortelli is no longer a Red Sox fan. [Beat] No, no, really! I mean it this time! [Beat] Now stop that, okay?!
  • In "Crash of the Titans", Rebecca is trying to buy the bar from Sam. Meanwhile, the bar is out of vermouth and Sam keeps dropping hints.
    Rebecca: I'm prepared to offer you $25,000 in cash.
    Sam: How about $15,000 in cash and $10,000 in VERMOUTH?
  • In "Rebound, Part 1", Cliff has returned from a vacation in Florida and is trying to tell Coach about how it has helped him achieve a sense of oneness with the universe. Coach, however, is making a frozen cocktail and is too busy struggling with the blender to listen to Cliff, and the noise of the stubborn appliance keeps interrupting his speech. Finally, a frustrated Cliff abandons his sense of oneness with the universe, switches off the blender, pulls off Coach's clip-on tie, drops it in the blender, and switches it on again. But it is Coach who gets the last laugh:
    Coach: [pulling his mangled tie out of the blender] Anybody want a my tie? [laughs uproariously]
  • In the series finale, when Rebecca keeps neurotically changing her mind about whether Frasier should call back her plumber boyfriend/fiancé. Fraiser finally gets fed up, throws open the door and theatrically shouts: "Run, Don! Run like the wind!"
  • "Do Not Forsake Me, O My Postman":
    • On Cliff getting his sometime girlfriend and fellow postal worker Maggie O'Keefe pregnant:
      Paul: So, you're gonna have a baby. Are you going to go through Lamaze, or is the baby just going to burst through her chest?
    • Also Frasier's take:
      Frasier: Well, from our "Things You Never Thought You'd Hear" category: That woman is carrying Cliff's child.
    • The B plot has Cheers' hilarious advertising jingle, sung to "Old McDonald": "Beer and pretzels, that's our name: C-H-E-R-S!" Double points for having jingle writer Sy Flembeck be played by John Mahoney, who went on to play Frasier's father. Triple for having him change to be sung to "Mary Had a Little Lamb" - still with the bar's name spelled "C-H-E-R-S".
    • It turns out that all of Flembeck's ad jingles are to the tune of "Old McDonald", as it gets the tunes stuck in listeners' heads - as Rebecca discovers after she throws Flembeck out of Cheers:
      Rebecca: What a hack. You know, I- I should have known it the first time I heard that stupid Fred's Tune-ups song.
      First patron: [turning around from a nearby table] Thanks a lot, lady, now I'm gonna have that stupid jingle stuck in my head all night.
      Second patron: [sitting at the table with the first patron] What stupid jingle?
      First patron: You know the one. [sings to the tune of "Old McDonald"] "Tune-ups, tune-ups, that's our game, F-R-E-D-S!"
      Second patron: You know, I could use a tune-up, are they any good?
      First patron: You heard the song, tune-ups are their game.
      Second patron: Well, where are they located?
      First patron: [singing to "Old McDonald" again] "Fourteen-thirteen Burlingame, F-R-E-D-S!"
      Rebecca: [runs out of the bar] SY! SY, WAIT A MINUTE!
  • In an Imagine Spot, Sam pictures himself and Diane happily married and long since retired. The phone rings, and he answers it. He listens to the person on the other end, and then shouts into the phone:
    I don't know why, Carla—because I love her, okay?!?
  • From "Simon Says", every scene with Dr. Simon Finch-Royce is comedy gold, helped no end by the performance of John Cleese, who is gloriously deadpan until the final scene, when he descends into eye-bulging fury as only John Cleese can.
    • When he and Frasier meet up at Cheers, in an Establishing Character Moment, Simon describes his flight over from England as "relatively crash-free". When he asks Sam for something "with hair on it", Carla seizes the opportunity to flirt with him, but leaves disappointed when he says he is happily married, noting he would have been her first Englishman - apart from a man with such a pale complexion she "kept losing him in the sheets". A fascinated Simon asks Frasier to "Have her scrubbed and sent to my tent." Meanwhile, Norm thanks Simon for the good his books have done his marriage (they give Vera something to do in bed), and Cliff talks Simon's ear off about how Britain should feel free to call on America for help if things flare up in the Falklands again (Norm rescues Simon by telling Cliff another patron claims he knows nothing about photosynthesis).
    • But it is Diane who spends the most time ingratiating herself to Simon, asking if he can give her and Sam a counselling session; Simon agrees, and since he doesn't come cheap, Frasier decides to make the session a wedding gift (instead of a gravy boat). As the session begins, Simon reveals that he is on his second marriage, which undermines Sam's confidence in him, but Simon explains that the tears from his first marriage allowed him more clarity of vision for his second marriage.
      Diane: [impressed] You are the wisest man I know.
      Simon: [looking at Sam; deadpan] High praise indeed.
    • Simon asks Sam and Diane to tell him about themselves; Diane goes first, and starts in the womb and continues right up to the present. Sam stretches out on the sofa and goes to sleep, while Simon's only remark at the end is that his wife has a skirt similar to Diane's, although he is much more interested in Sam's stories of women throwing themselves at him in almost every city he visited during his time with the Red Sox. Simon then moves on to addressing them jointly:
      Simon: What are the keys to a successful marriage? Well, there are numerous schools of thought - er, many experts claim that the most important single ingredient in a marriage is... quickly, now.
      Diane: Love?
      Sam: Sex.
      Simon: Honesty. Because from honesty springs...
      Diane: Fidelity.
      Sam: Sex.
      Simon: Yes, trust.
      Diane: [pounds her fists in frustration] I was going to say that!
      Simon: Well, those people are wrong.
    • The real litmus test turns out to be a pair of questions: Simon asks Sam to imagine he and Diane are on a tropical beach on their honeymoon, and he is distracted by another attractive woman in a bikini when Diane asks "Penny for your thoughts"; does he tell her the truth? Sam initially says "no", but Diane is concerned that he wouldn't trust her, so he changes his answer to "yes". Simon then asks Diane to imagine that Sam has not performed to her satisfaction in the bedroom (Sam laughs at the idea that he couldn't perform to any woman's satisfaction) and asks her how it was; does she tell him the truth? She jokes that she never has done, but finally answers "no", as it would hurt his feelings. Simon then delivers his verdict: they should not only not get married, they should never see each other again, as they have nothing in common and there is no communication between them.
      Diane: [wrapping her arms around Sam] What about the idea that opposites attract?
      Simon: Ahhh, the song of the truly desperate. [Diane looks disappointed] Well, take- take it from one who has observed dozens of failed marriages, the only thing that opposites attract is divorce. [he opens the office door]
      Sam: Well, don't- wait, don't go, what- what shall we do?
      Simon: Well, think yourselves lucky, I mean you found out now, saved yourselves years, perhaps decades of pain and heartache! [brightly] Cheerio! [leaves]
    • Once Frasier and Simon are apart, we see how much contempt they really have for each other; Simon calls his wife back in England and describes Frasier as a "pompous twit", "as bad as usual, if not worse", and chuckles over sticking him with a $1500 fee for the session (having deliberately ignored Frasier's hints to give him a discount rate). Frasier, meanwhile, calls Simon a "pretentious limey bastard" and gets revenge by repeatedly sending Sam and Diane to Simon's hotel room to persuade him to change his prognosis. Diane's first assumption is that Simon was merely testing her and Sam, a theory Simon is quick to shoot down:
      Diane: [as Simon opens the door] Hello, Doctor!
      Simon: Oh! Well, this is a surprise.
      Sam: Uh, sorry about this, we didn't catch you on the hopper, did we?
      Simon: ... no, but thanks for asking, come in. [they do]
      Diane: This will only take a moment. You know, you're a very clever man, it wasn't until after you left that we realised that you were merely testing our resolve. So, we stand before you now as proof we are steadfast in our devotion to one another.
      Simon: Well, that's very lovely, but it wasn't a test.
      Diane: [smiles] Oh, listen to him, Sam, it's yet another test!
      Simon: I'm afraid I haven't made myself sufficiently clear. Erm... you two are an accident waiting to marry. [opens the door]
      Diane: [her smile vanishes] Well, you couldn't be more wrong! If you only knew the enormous obstacles we've overcome, you would know that we are destined to die in each other's arms! [wraps her arms around Sam] Because although we are very different people, our parts mesh together perfectly. We have achieved symbiosis.
      Sam: [chuckles nervously] Well, not every time, but it's close. [Diane ushers him out] Sorry about this.
      Simon: Aren't we all? [closes the door after them]
    • Diane then convinces herself that she was only saying what she thought Simon wanted to hear during the counselling session and not what she actually wanted to say (Sam has no idea what she's saying, as usual), so she drags Sam back to Simon's hotel room and interrupts his room service dinner:
      [Sam and Diane knock at the door just as Simon is about to take his first spoonful of soup; he walks over and opens the door]
      Simon: Ah, how lovely to see you again, what's it been, thirty minutes?
      Diane: I'm sorry to barge in, I hope we're not disturbing you-
      Simon: [cutting her off] Well, actually, I was just about to have my dinner.
      Sam: [hungrily] Dinner?
      Simon: Yes, I mean, er, er, I don't mean to sound rude, but I actually would like to eat it while it's hot!
      Diane: I'm sorry, but this is simply too important to put it off. It's been preying on our minds, we really can't think of anything else, isn't that right, Sam?
      Sam: [looking at the table of food] Yeah, right - are you gonna eat those crackers?
      Simon: [impatiently] Yes, I am, now would you please just say whatever it is you've come to say?
      Diane: Very well. From the moment of your pronouncement, we felt that you were wrong, and now we realise why! We gave you the wrong answers to your questions about the honeymoon. We've thought it over, and now we want to give you our real answers.
      Simon: Yes, well, it doesn't matter what you say now, you see, I mean what matters is your first response, your gut reaction, I mean, you've had two hours to think about it now!
      Diane: Yes - well, sometimes it takes Sam two hours to come up with his first thought.
      Sam: [turns to Diane, offended] I- I don't- I don't appreciate that! Y'know, it was your stupid idea to come here in the first place, all of a sudden he says something you don't like, and now you, you, you don't believe him anymore? [meanwhile, Simon dips his finger into his bowl of soup and tastes it to check its temperature]
      Diane: Well, he's wrong! He doesn't know what he's talking about, don't you think he's capable of making a mistake?
      Simon: That's highly unlikely, although I did let the two of you in- excuse me, erm... [points toward the door]
      Sam: C'mon, let's get outta here, honey, I'm starved, I'm gonna go have some dinner, you wanna join me?
      Simon: [as he tucks into his soup] Please say "yes". [Diane glares at him, but follows Sam out of the room]
    • For Round 4, Diane arrives with an armload of books, while Simon answers the door in a robe and shower cap:
      Simon: [sarcastically] Ah, I wondered what was keeping you, I was beginning to get worried!
      Sam: Did we get you out of the shower?
      Simon: No no, no no, the, er, the soup was so hot it set off the sprinkler system.
      Diane: [sweeps into the room] Sam and I have been to the library and we've done extensive research, we're here to tell you that you are full of rubbish!
      Simon: How thoughtful. Most people would only have phoned. [closes the door]
      Diane: [opening a book] Now. If you'll just examine the parts that I have marked-
      Simon: Look, I, I think I've shown remarkable restraint so far, but I have had just about enough of this. Now I've said that you are not compatible, and you have done nothing to show me otherwise.
      Diane: [close to tears of hysteria] Look, I don't know what we're supposed to do, or what we're supposed to say, but we're here, fighting for our lives together, now doesn't that count for something!?
      Simon: No.
      Diane: [long pause] Why not?
      Simon: Well, let me answer you this way. Sam, do you really want to be here?
      Sam: No.
      Diane: [whining] Oh, what do you mean "no"!?
      Sam: I, I mean "no", I mean I don't want to be here, I mean this whole thing was your stupid idea, what do- what do we care if this guy doesn't think we should get married? [Simon opens the door to his suite again] Nobody we know thinks we should get married, we don't go bugging them in the middle of the night, do we!? [Simon walks back to the table and picks up the stack of books Diane brought with her]
      Diane: [sighs] All right. What do you suggest we do?
      Sam: Nothing.
      Diane: [as Simon taps Sam on the shoulder and points toward the door] Ugh! That's your solution to everything, nothing! [Sam takes Diane's elbow and leads her to the door] Is that what you're going to do for the rest of your life, nothing?!
      Sam: [taking the books from Simon] I haven't decided yet.
      Simon: [closes the door after them, then takes a deep breath] I've grown to hate them.
    • Finally, it's game, set, and match to Frasier as Sam and Diane return yet again, this time getting Simon out of bed and driving him over the brink of insanity:
      Simon: [opening the door to see Sam and Diane] That's it, I've died and gone to Hell.
      Diane: [as she and Sam enter the room] Doctor, there's one thing you haven't considered-
      Simon: [slams the door] Right. All right. Okay. Erm... Sam, Diane, you two... are... perfect together. I'm sorry I made a mistake, but I now see that you are the most perfectly matched couple on the face of the Earth. But why- why am I telling you this? [running to the window] Let's - let's share it with the rest of the world, shall we? [opens the window] HEAR THIS, WORLD! THE REST OF YOU CAN STOP GETTING MARRIED NOW! IT'S BEEN DONE TO PERFECTION! [turns away from the window and gestures to the furniture] Envy them, sofa, envy them, chair, for you shall never be as cosy as they, for I guarantee that their marriage will be a total, epoch-shattering success, and I stake my LIFE on it! Wait, let- let me put that on record. [picks up a mini-cassette recorder and presses Record] I, Dr. Simon Finch-Royce, being of sound mind, declare that Sam and Diane shall be together throughout all eternity, and if I am wrong, I hereby promise that I will take my own life, in the most disgusting manner possible! [presses Stop, then tries to press Eject] Here, take the tape- no no, no, no, no, take the whole machine, it's my wedding gift! To you! The most perfect couple since the DAWN OF TIME!!
      [long pause; Sam looks hugely uncomfortable while Diane absorbs Simon's words... then turns to Sam with a triumphant smile]
      Diane: See? [Sam is dumbfounded; Simon closes his eyes in utter despair]
  • In one episode, Norm is asked why he and Vera never had children. Norm says they thought she was pregnant once, but it turned out not to be so.
    "She waited until after the wedding to tell me."
  • In one episode, Lilith becomes frustrated when it seems that Frasier is a better parent then her...only to discover that Frasier's "intellectually stimulating" activity has been bringing baby Frederick to Cheers. She takes him to task, claiming that it's impossible for a baby to learn to speak in such an environment...
    Norm: (entering) Afternoon, everybody!
    Frederick: NORM!
    (All do a double-take...including Norm.)
    Lilith: (happy gasp) He said "Mommy!"
  • "Tan N Wash":
    • Following Diane making a big show of smiling, glowing, and la-la-la-ing following an alleged date with a guy, Sam has Woody go and learn from her the details. Woody comes back...la-la-la-ing, with a wicked grin on his face, and:
      Woody: Hey—Sam? I found out all about Miss Chambers's date. I mean, uh..."beautiful night—of magic."
      Sam: (Tensing) Just spill it—will ya, Woody?
      Woody: Well—the ballet...was exquisite. But it paled by comparison to the—"enchanting coach ride" under the stars. Chad held her "porcelain-like hand" lightly...tracing tiny circles on her, uh—alamander...
      Sam: Alabaster
      Woody:alabaster skin.... And then—fearing that the spell might be broken, she invited him up to her..."pied-a-terre"...for some quiet conversation and warm brandy, and THEN...
      Sam: What?
      Woody: MISS CHAMBERS SAYS, IF YA WANT TO HEAR THE REST—YA GOTTA ASK HER YOURSELF! (Busts a gut laughing)
    • Later in that episode, Carla heads over to a very sunburned Frasier:
      Carla: Hey, Frasier!—y'know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you: When you reaction...when you first saw Diane naked? (SMACKS him on the back!)
      Frasier: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
      (Diane whirls to them with a disgusted look)
  • In "One Hugs, the Other Doesn't":
    • For Frederick Crane's second birthday, Sam gets four tickets to see nationally popular children's singer Nanny Gee (who also counts Woody among her most devoted fans). Frasier couldn't be less interested in the concert - until he wonders why Nanny Gee looks familiar and realises she is his first wife, Nanette Guzman... about whom he has never told Lilith. He tries to placate an understandably angry Lilith by saying that their marriage was a silly mistake that only lasted a few months, and he is sure Nanny Gee wouldn't know him from Adam if they met on the street; meanwhile, Nanny Gee is going out into the audience, singing a song about wanting to shake hands with new friends - and quickly proves Frasier wrong about how little she remembers him by dropping her microphone in shock at seeing him for the first time in well over a decade, then giving him a Big Damn Kiss.
      Sam: [to Nanny Gee] Don't you wanna shake my hand?
    • Later that day at Cheers, Lilith is still furious (inasmuch as she ever displays fury or any other emotion) over the discovery that she is not Frasier's first wife - and over his real first wife kissing him in front of an audience of thousands of children.
      Lilith: So Frasier was married to that... oh, how would one describe her... bitch. Never even told me about her. Well, if that's what he wants, he can have it. [singing mockingly] "I wanna shake your hand... snatch you bald... I wanna scratch your eyes out..." [gets up and heads to the ladies' room] "I wanna drain your blood and replace it with a mercuric chloride, formaldehyde, and alcohol solution..." [laughs maniacally, until she notices Norm, Carla, and Cliff staring at her] You had to be there.
      Carla: Boy. I've never seen this side of Lilith before. [smirks] I like it!
    • Having already (unsuccessfully) apologised to Lilith himself, Frasier brings Nanny Gee to Cheers to do likewise. The reason for the episode's title becomes clear, as Nanny Gee is a self-described "huggy, kissy" person, and Lilith is categorically not. So when Nanny Gee gives Lilith a hug of apology, the second Mrs. Frasier Crane remains completely rigid throughout, making it look as though Nanny Gee is hugging a Lilith-shaped hat stand. Then a star-struck Woody tries to approach her with an autograph book:
      Woody: Nanny Gee, I was wonderin' if you could-
      Nanny Gee: Lilith, I'd really like to make this up to you.
      Woody: [sarcastically] -ignore me like a cheap piece of trash. Oh, you could? Thank you so very much. [Frasier glares at him and shoos him away; a fed up Woody hurls his autograph book away as he leaves]
    • Nanny Gee's plan to make amends: give a free concert especially for Frederick's birthday. Sam offers Cheers as a venue before they open for the day, Carla decides to bring her twin sons Jesse and Elvis, Norm decides to bring Vera's nieces and nephews, Cliff decides to bring the children on his route (hoping the concert will make them reveal where they have hidden his car)... but Lilith, understandably, is still not happy.
      Frasier: Darling, are you going to be okay with this?
      Lilith: Am I going to be okay with this? Let's see... earlier today, I discovered that my husband had an ex-wife that he never told me about. Then I had the pleasure of watching him kiss said ex-wife in front of a thousand children, including his own. Then, to top it all off, she hugged me. Can you deduce from my tone whether or not I'm going to be okay with this?
      Frasier: [grins] Baby, you're the greatest! [sweeps a startled Lilith back in his arms and gives her a Big Damn Kiss]
    • The next morning, the bar is packed with children and their parents/babysitters for the free concert (before which Nanny Gee restores Woody to happiness by pretending she could see him at the concert, even though he was in the second row from the back in the second balcony; she asks Sam if Woody bought it, and Sam describes Woody as an "easy sale"). The hilarity comes from Frasier's increasing Selective Obliviousness that Nanny Gee is clearly still infatuated with him and trying to win him back, much to Lilith's chagrin. Culminating in the two women having an all-out Cat Fight right in the middle of the bar.
      Lilith: [as Nanny Gee's song moves on to the lyrics "The first time ever I lay with you", leaving no doubt as to its object] All right, that's it! [marches over to Nanny Gee] Stop the music! Leave my man alone!
      Nanny Gee: I'm sorry, I can't help it! [walks up to Frasier, pushing Lilith aside] Frasier, I've never stopped loving you!
      Lilith: Well, maybe this'll help! [jumps on Nanny Gee's back and pulls her to the floor]
      Norm, Cliff: CAT FIGHT! CAT FIGHT! [they run around from their end of the bar to watch as the fight continues; some of the other spectators - including the children - begin cheering]
      Frasier: [handing Frederick to Sam, who covers the lad's eyes] You know, I'm going to suffer for this tomorrow, but today, right now, this exact moment, I'm the happiest man on Earth.
    • In the episode's tag, the gang discovers that Nanny Gee has left Frederick a birthday present: a singing doll modeled on herself. Trouble is, the doll's song ends with Nanny Gee giving Frasier her phone number—repeatedly. First, an angry Lilith rips the doll's head off; then, when Norm, Cliff, and Woody start singing the number, she chases after them and looks ready to kill.
    • The episode spawned one of the funniest episodes of Frasier, which even included a reference to the episode title. Frasier tells Roz that he used to get "big hugs" from her, but the last time he saw her he was getting his "weekly handshake" from Lilith.
  • "Never Love a Goalie":
    • This episode has Diane in her best Deadpan Snarker form. Doubles as a Moment of Awesome for her: considering all the times Carla insisted on doing this sort of thing to her over the years, Diane kinda deserves a chance for payback.
      Eddie: I just thought I'd come back and see you know, how you liked your seats.
      Carla: Loved 'em! I like your seat, too.
      Diane: (walking by) Carla, you coquette.
    • Not long after:
      Eddie: So, you're a hockey fan, eh?
      Carla: Oh, yeah.
      Eddie: Well what else should I know about you?
      Carla: (nervous) Me? Well, uh, I'm in my mid-20s, never been married, got no kids.
      Diane: (walking by) You're next in line to the throne of England.
  • During the Previously On recap for "Never Love a Goalie", Woody leaves this message on Sam's answering machine. Doubles as a Heartwarming Moment. The best part: Even Sam starts snickering when Woody begins his backtracking!
    Woody: (beep!) Uh, this is Woody. Sam, uh, I got home tonight and remembered Diane called after you left and wanted me to give you a message. "I love you." Bye. (beep!) Uh, Sam, this is Woody again. That message I just left: you understand it was Diane saying I love you, not me. All right, bye. (beep!) This is Woody again. Uh, don't misunderstand me, I really like you a lot. (beep!) This is Woody again. Uh, I've been thinking it over, Sam. I do love you.
  • Sam, when about to have sex for the first time with Diane after a long, combatative first season of Will They or Won't They?:
    Sam: (to God) She better be GREAT!
    • Later in the series, Norm sighs after one of Diane's actions, "I hope she's showing you one hell of a good time." Sam's grin says it all.
  • "Dinner at Eight-ish":
    • Frasier and Lilith have just moved in together after a few months' dating, and invite Sam and Diane over for dinner. The resulting episode is a classic box full of gems:
      Sam: Love what you've done with the place.
      Diane: Oh, yes—I love all the masculine touches!
      Lilith: (timidly) Thank you.
      (Diane freezes)
    • Frasier's suggestion to Lilith before Sam and Diane arrive that they make "dip" their secret Double Entendre (which the two soon forget about) leads to a hilarious One Dialogue, Two Conversations when Sam and Diane sample from the bowl of chips:
      Sam: Say, that uh...that dip looks good.
      (Frasier looks up; he and Lilith share an awkward Look)
      Frasier: (Swallows) ...Dip?
      (Awkward pause)
      Sam: ...Yeah, the, uh...the dip—could you, uh...pass it, please?
      Frasier: (Gathers himself; chuckles) Yes, of course—be my guest. Here, now....
      Sam: (Taking bowl of dip) Oh, thank you. (He and samples with chip) Oh!—Oh, yeah, that is great dip, huh—yeah, try it!
      (Lilith and Frasier share a smirk)
      Diane: Mmm!—Delicious, Lilith! Frasier? Have you tried some of Lilith's dip?
      (Frasier GRINS, looking off; Diane waits)
      Frasier: Yes, I—I have, yes....
      (Lilith straightens up, smiling; Diane looks at them in smiling bewilderment)
      Diane: ...Well, then I don't have to tell you how good it is!
      Frasier: (Chuckles) It's quite good, yes....
      (Lilith GRINS)
      Sam: Well, I-I don't mean to hog it, here, uh—you guys look hungry! Help yourselves!
      (Frasier and Lilith share a Look; they stand up, walk to Sam and Diane—take their chips in sync, dip...and pause to share another Look, which they hold as they taste together. Sam and Diane look up at them, wondering what the heck is going on.)
      Lilith: (Coyly) So, Frasier...was it good for you, too?
      (Beat—they lunge into a Big Damn Kiss)
      Sam: (Beat; turns to Diane) ...What the hell's in this dip?
      (Diane shrugs)
    • Followed up by Frasier and Lilith responding to Diane toasting "your house" by singing a piano-accompanied rendition of "Our House"! The completely random burst into song is cute in itself—but when Diane gets up to join in the singing and starts dancing in place and snapping her fingers to the beat, it becomes downright adorable! The punchline: When Frasier and Lilith notice her antics, they stop—and poor Diane takes a couple seconds to notice, finally sitting down in embarrassment.
    • It seems Lilith's culinary skills leave something to be desired:
      Lilith: Would anyone like some more lasagna?
      Diane: No, thank you. I think we've all had our fill.
      Lilith: Fine, then, I'll just get the coffee. [exits to the kitchen]
      Diane: Lasagna?!
      Frasier: I wasn't even thinking Italian!
      Sam: [examining his plate] Well, I was closest, I said "something with meat".
    • The episode rounds off with a climax of the Running Gag of one of the quartet locking themselves in the bathroom as Lilith keeps learning new details about Frasier and Diane's romantic history. As Jill, who assisted Lilith with the cooking (but not with the "lasagna"), emerges from the kitchen and says her goodbyes, Sam recognises her yet another of his past girlfriends.
      Diane: Why is it... [sighs] that we cannot go to one... single... solitary place in the entire city of Boston without running into some woman that you've had a fling with?
      Sam: Oh, come on, you're exaggerating here.
      Diane: Mmm. At the market, at the movies... when we got our blood tests, for heaven's sake!?
      Sam: Well, what are we supposed to do, move? I mean, come on...
      Diane: [glares icily at Sam] Excuse me...
      Sam: [as Diane marches past him and opens the powder room door] Aw, now don't- no, don't - don't go- [Diane slams and locks the door behind her] What- what are you so upset about?! [fills Frasier's wine glass] I wasn't even dating you when I went out with Jill, that was when you were living with Frasier!
      Lilith: [stiffens] She lived with you?
      Frasier: [awkwardly] Well, only briefly, uh-
      Lilith: [in tears] YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER LIVED WITH ANYONE BUT ME! [storms toward the bathroom door]
      Sam: [sarcastically] Oh, perfect, yeah, that's great. [Diane opens the door for Lilith, who slams it after entering. Frasier rolls his eyes, sets down his wine glass, then gets up and opens a cupboard next to the bathroom door] What are you doing?
      Frasier: [takes a key out of the cupboard] I should have thought of this earlier. [Sam laughs and heads back to the sofa as Frasier locks the bathroom door from the outside, then throws the key back into the cupboard]
      Lilith: What was that? Frasier, what are you doing? [the doorknob rattles; she knocks on the door] Frasier, the door seems to be jammed. [knocks again] Frasier?
      Diane: Sam... [more knocking, more rattling of the doorknob] Open the door!
      Frasier: [goes to the piano, picks up a humidor, and opens it toward Sam] Macanudo?
      Sam: Oh! [takes a cigar] Don't mind if I do.
      Frasier: [takes a cigar as well; the knocking and the protests from Diane and Lilith get ever louder] You know, I don't think I can stand this caterwauling in here, why don't we go upstairs? I've got all thirteen episodes of I, Claudius on tape!
      Sam: [following Frasier upstairs] Great, man, I love gladiator flicks!
      Lilith: [knocking louder still] Frasier, we are not amused!
  • Any and all of Cliff's fantasies.
    Carla: You know what? You've got a big mouth, Clavin. (storms off...)
    Cliff: She's right, you know. Yeaah, you see, every male descendant in the Clavin family has an extra set of molars in their lower jaw. It's the only way to identify ourselves as the true heirs to the Russian throne.
    Frasier: (bemused) Hello in there, Cliff. Tell me, what color is the sky in your world?
    • Becomes even more Hilarious in Hindsight during a later episode of Frasier wherein Frasier and Niles speculate that, because they own an ugly clock, they might be descended from the Romanov line. However, they have reason to believe that (Martin's family is from Russia, the Bear Clock is an heirloom from the Romanovs. However, that's because it was stolen by scullery maid Grandma who became a hooker in NYC and married Martin's dad.)
  • "Send in the Crane":
    • Frasier fills in as a party clown after the original clown, Woody, has to bow out. At the kid's party:
      Rebecca: Binky, do your act.
      Frasier: (scared) I'M NOT A CLOWN, I'M A PSYCHIATRIST.
    • Unbeknownst to Frasier, the handkerchief in his pocket makes his pants drop. Rebecca thinks he is still wearing skimpy French underwear, but Frasier reveals he ditched them and is actually going commando in the clown pants. Naturally, since he does such a good job, the Grand Dame of the family wants to thank him for his performance. She sneezes, and Frasier reaches for his handkerchief. Cut to black, with the sound of a woman screaming.
  • Frasier's intense Serious Business reaction to "Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer", especially how certain he is that the story ends badly for Rudolph after the song ends. Add to that the strong implication that he's deviating into his own life experience....
  • In "Thanksgiving Orphans", Sam's reason for arriving at the gang's party instead of his planned date. As Sam puts it, "Her sister showed up, and they didn't like my idea". It actually takes a couple of beats before the Studio Audience bursts out laughing—it takes that long before they (and we) realize exactly what he's talking about.
  • Frasier describing sexual sensory stimulus to Sam.
    Frasier: You see, Sam, there's documented evidence that all human animals have an erotic, hair-trigger response to at least one of the five sensory stimuli. Could be anything, really. Oh, let's see: sound of surf pounding against the shore, smell of honeysuckle on a warm summer's night... (dreamily) taste of a vintage Chateaux-neuf-du-Pape. Fire-red fingernails... dancing through your chest hair... black lace teddy, straining against its fleshy cargo... (stares into space)
    Sam: Whoa, whoa, Frasier. Snap out of it.
    Frasier: In a minute, Sam.
  • "Chambers Vs. Malone":
    • When Diane rejects a tearful Sam's proposal yet again, he suddenly has an Imagine Spot of being led to execution on Death's Row, and is completely unrepentant, asking the priest if there's any chance he'll be able to find Diane in Heaven to kill her AGAIN. When he snaps out of it, he tells Diane of his dream.
      Diane: That's silly, Sam. Massachusetts doesn't have the death penalty.
      Sam: (Psychotic Smirk) Really?
      (Cue Oh, Crap! on Diane's face as she flees saying she's heading out to campaign to bring it back.)
    • The episode also features one of the funniest summations in the sitcom.
      Sam: (combination matter-of-factly and Deadpan Snarker) You want me to propose to you - I propose to you. You say 'no', I say 'fine, I never want to see you again'. You drive me nuts telling me you want me to propose to again, I do, you turn me down. Next thing I know, I'm in a court of law where I've got to propose to you or I'll go to jail. It's the classic American love story.
  • A few gems came from the old barfly Al, whose first appearance had him insisting that the "biggest bigwig of them all" was Sinatra. And in the very first "Bar Wars", Sam and Carla head to Gary's Olde Towne Tavern to apologize, only to find Al there. Carla questions why he isn't there, and he exclaims "Holy mackerel, this isn't Cheers?!"
  • This little exchange from the first episode:
    Coach: [Answering the phone] Is there an Ernie Pantuso here?
    Sam: That's you, Coach.
    Coach: [Into the phone] Speaking.
  • After Norm gets in trouble with the law for filling in for Cliff on his mail route and Cliff is hesitant to come clean about it:
    Cliff: All right, look, I'll call and see what the penalty is, but it's got to be anonymous.
    Coach: [to everyone in the bar] OK, everybody in favor of Cliff calling, raise your hand. [everyone in the bar raises his/her hand] It's anonymous.
  • Frasier drops his professionalism during one afternoon in Cheers:
    Woody: Hey, how's it going, Dr. Crane?
    Frasier: Oh, the usual. The crying, the tantrums, the bedwetting.
    Woody: Yeah, that's fatherhood.
    Frasier: [sighs] No, that's my therapy group. Whatta buncha losers.
  • Lilith goes into labor, and is told to visualize something to help with the pain. Her answer? "Tequila! Whiskey! Rum! SOMEONE KNOCKING ME UNCONSCIOUS WITH A MALLET!"
  • In "Veggie Boyd", Woody has a personal crisis when he actually drinks a sample of Veggie Boy, the vegetable drink for which he appeared in a commercial; contrary to his proclamation of "I like it!" on television, he finds it repulsive and struggles to deal with having lied for the camera.
    • Frasier offers a psychiatrist's perspective - which Lilith wastes no time countering, only to discover Frasier set up the last laugh in advance:
      Frasier: Woody, you know, Sigmund Freud might suggest that your aversion to vegetables stems from some early childhood trauma. [Lilith sputters derisively; Frasier glares at her] You sputtered, my darling?
      Lilith: Honestly, Frasier, you must be the last psychiatrist on Earth who hasn't abandoned Sigmund Freud's theories.
      Frasier: What are you saying?
      Lilith: Merely that his theories are outdated sexist superstitions, unsupported by a shred of clinical evidence.
      Frasier: You're drunk. [Lilith rolls her eyes] My wife is completely smashed! Blotto! Sam? No more boilermakers for Dr. Sternin-Crane!
      Lilith: Frasier, I've had nothing to drink.
      Frasier: Ah, the worst kind of drunk! For your information, Sigmund Freud has a lot to teach us about Woody's problem. I dare say that if the master were with us today, he would, after striking Lilith, [Lilith rolls her eyes again] tell us that Woody is suffering from a subconscious barrier... easily removed by some elemental Freudian analysis.
      Woody: Well, isn't there anything faster?
      Frasier: Oh, many things, but - nothing quite as lucrative. [smirks] But, if you wish instant relief, I suppose we could try a little, um... well, post-hypnotic suggestion. [Lilith sputters derisively again; Frasier turns toward her, venom in his voice] Another wet objection, my love?
      Lilith: Hypnosis, Frasier? Why only go back a century for your treatment? Why not bleed him with leeches, or drill a hole in his cranium and, and let the evil spirits leak out.
      Frasier: [getting up and walking around the bar] Ignore her, Woody, it's the gin talking.
      Lilith: Or maybe the reason he doesn't like vegetables is because they remind him of his mother. [sarcastically] Ooooh!
      Sam: Hey, hypnosis, huh? That, that's cool, Doc!
      Frasier: Sam, hypnosis is not a parlour game. Although last week at a party I did get quite a few laughs by hypnotising Lilith into removing her shoes whenever anyone mentioned Brie cheese.
      Lilith: Frasier, you did no such thing. [as she speaks, she removes her shoe and places it on the bar, only noticing it after a second or two] Very funny.
      Woody: I dunno if hypnotism'll work on me, Dr. Crane, I'm pretty strong-willed.
      Carla: And what's she? Brie cheese?
      Lilith: [removes her other shoe and puts it on the bar, then glares at a grinning Carla] Stop that.
      Frasier: Woody! Let's go into the office and watch that watch.
      Lilith: [putting her shoes back on] Oh for God's sake, Frasier! First you espouse Sigmund Freud, now you've moved on to Dr. Mesmer. This is not professional conduct.
      Frasier: Point taken, my darling. Oh, by the way: is that a tambourine behind you?
      Lilith: [begins unbuttoning her blouse] A tambourine?? [looks over her shoulder, still unbuttoning] What an odd question! [looks down, then pulls her blouse closed] You are in such trouble, mister. [Frasier sweeps off, grinning smugly]
    • To Lilith's chagrin, the hypnosis works. To Woody's even greater chagrin, he immediately reads a letter telling him that Veggie Boy has been taken off the market due to lack of consumer interest, causing the sort of panic seen in addicts who cannot get their substance of choice. As he rants, it seems Frasier gave Lilith a third post-hypnotic suggestion, one that reminds us that Bebe Neuwirth was a Broadway star before and after Cheers:
      Frasier: Woody, let's go back in the office.
      Woody: [holding a bottle of Veggie Boy] No, I know, I know, I can take this to a lab and have it analysed! I can make my own! You know, I've got a blender! [walks out from behind the bar]
      Frasier: Woody-
      Woody: I'll move back to Indiana! I'll grow kale!
      Frasier: [holding his pocket watch in front of Woody's face] Woody, watch the watch-
      Woody: [pushing Frasier aside and marching toward the door] Get that watch out of my face, old man! I've got crops to plant!
      Frasier: Woody, you need my help!
      Woody: [opening the door] I don't need your help! All I need is three tons of topsoil and a big yellow tractor!
      Lilith: "Tractor"? [stands up and sings] "The sun'll come out... tomorrow..."
      Frasier: [as the screen cuts to James Burrows and Glen and Les Charles' producer credits] Lilith, lower your damn skirt and watch the watch!
  • "From Beer to Eternity":
    • This episode marks the first depiction of the rivalry between Cheers and Gary's Olde Towne Tavern as they play each other at bowling. It emerges that Woody is a talented bowler but did not try out for the Cheers team after an incident back in Hanover in which a stray pin hit a bowling alley maintenance worker in the head and, Woody implies, caused permanent brain damage. Sam tries to persuade him just the same:
      Sam: C'mon, Woody! Lis- listen, man, I've never begged for anything in my life!
      Diane: [clears her throat loudly]
      Sam: That I actually enjoyed once I got it.
    • At the bowling alley, Norm, who is only present as a spectator rather than a bowler, decides to get a beer and heads into the alley's bar, the Riviera Room. To Sam's surprise, a familiar cry issues forth as Norm disappears through the door:
      Riviera Room patrons: NORM!
      Sam: How the hell'd they know him here?
      Cliff: He's got a life, you know!
  • "Bar Wars VI: This Time It's for Real":
    • Gary's Olde Towne Tavern is under new ownership, and the Cheers gang "initiate" the new owner by toilet papering the exterior of the bar and soaping the windows with "Regards from your friends at Cheers". However, after the front door of Cheers literally explodes off its hinges, the police tell Sam and co. that the new owner is mobster Frank "The Angel of Death" Carpaccio - whom the police allow to do as he pleases out of fear. The Cheers gang begin speculating on how he might get revenge on them, until Frasier tries to act as a voice of reason:
      Frasier: If I may interject, I think you've all seen too many Godfather movies!
      Woody: I agree. They should have stopped at two.
    • Convinced they're being strung along, Sam, Woody, Carla, Norm, and Cliff go over to Gary's to "apologise". As they enter, the crowd of Gary's regulars shouts "NORM!"
      Cliff: How do they know you in here!?
      Norm: Hey, Sammy closes on Christmas morning, okay?
    • The "apology" involves setting off the fire alarm and the sprinkler system, then opening umbrellas and dancing to "Singin' in the Rain" as they depart; Carpaccio shouts death threats against them and everyone they know as they leave. The next day, two FBI agents show up and reveal that they recorded the conversation as part of their case against Carpaccio, and the lives of the five pranksters are in danger. They are told to go into witness protection, but Sam refuses to leave the bar. Eventually, Norm, Cliff, Carla, and Woody are dropped off at a bus stop 200 miles from anywhere in North Dakota, and the payphone rings - it's Sam, with a revelation...
      Sam: Hey, listen, honey, you remember, uh, last Hallowe'en when you guys pulled that hilarious stunt on me, makin' me think that Gary was dead and that I was responsible for it?
      Carla: Yeah?...
      Sam: Well... gotcha! [laughs and hangs up as Frasier and Lilith look on]
      Frasier: Now, Let Me Get This Straight..., Sam. This... this was all your doing? [Sam cannot speak for laughing] The exploding door, and all the damage you did to your own bar?
      Lilith: The expense of paying all the people involved? The bus fare to get your stooges all the way out to North Dakota?
      Sam: [still in hysterics as he picks up the coffee pot and re-fills his cup] It cost me a fortune! I had to take out a loan! I'll be paying it off for ten years! [falls onto the floor, still laughing himself silly]
      Frasier: [chuckling] Well! I guess the joke certainly is on them, isn't it? [shares a look of amused disbelief with Lilith]
  • The Teaser of "Where Nobody Knows Your Name" has one of Frasier's funniest moments of Deadpan Snark:
    Cliff: [returning from the restroom] Anybody seen my gum? I left it around here somewhere.
    Norm: What'cha take your gum out for?
    Cliff: Eh, give my mouth a rest.
    Frasier: [absorbs this, then writes on a pad] "Dear Diary: Today it finally happened."
  • At one point in "Swear to God", Frasier tells Sam how he dealt with sexual frustration as a teen: building a full-sized submarine in the basement. One has to wonder how Marty, Hester, and Niles reacted to that. For bonus points, this is never brought up at any point on Frasier.


http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Funny/Cheers