Funny / Cheers

Tons of them.
  • A young pitcher for the Red Sox in the midst of a slump sought out advice from Coach and Sam on how to overcome it. Diane tells Sam to suggest meditation, Coach suggests having an active sex life. While the pitcher shies away, Diane overhears and encourages him to do it(thinking he is talking about meditation), and offers to do it with him. The icing on the cake is Sam laughing his ass off at watching Diane dig herself deeper and deeper.
    Diane: Wait a minute. Don't say that it's not the answer until you've tried it.
    Sam: Diane...
    Diane: Excuse me. My name is Diane and I have done this for years. I'll tell you I would be happy to teach you how to do it.
    Rick: Well, Diane, this is very kind of you but I don't think...
    Diane: No, no no. Please do me the favor of trying it with me.
    Rick: (To Sam) Is she serious?
    Sam: Oh yes. She's serious. She does it all the time. She just said so.
    Diane: That's right.
    Rick: (pointing to Sam and Diane) Do you...?
    Diane: Are you kidding? Him? He would just make jokes.
    Rick: Well okay then. Okay! What time is good for you?
    Diane: Well personally I like to get at least half an hour of it in before breakfast. But look anytime is alright with me.
    Rick: Golly I like you.
    Diane: You know there is something so beautiful about experiencing it outdoors.
    Rick: Don't people stare at you?
    Diane: Yes, sometimes but they end up learning something. Sometimes people even join in. You know all this talk had gotten me so excited. Hell let's do it now!
    Rick: Outside?
    Diane: Oh oh no, it's a little cold and I prefer to take my shoes off. (at this point, Sam is doing all he can to refrain from guffawing) Um, Sam could we use your office?
    Sam: Wait a minute. I'm sorry I let this go too far.
    Diane: (while walking with Rick to the office) No no, we don't need to hear from Mr. Skeptic. Rick here is after something and I can show him where it is.
    (They go in Sam's office. Beat. Slap! Diane exits, Facial Tic worse than ever.)
  • Diane's ballet tape. We never actually get to see the video, but the reaction by the gang at Cheers is hysterical.
    Diane: All my life I always wanted to dance so badly.
    Norm: (barely able to keep from bursting out laughing) Looks like you got your wish!
    • From that same episode ("Dance Diane Dance"), Diane nervously going back and forth over whether she might have left the stove on in her apartment:
    Diane:'s off.
    Sam: Ah.
    Diane: (Squirms) I think...! (Sam turns to her; she shrugs) It's off! Of course it's off—It's ON, my apartment's on fire! (Beat, shrugs) Still—
    Sam: Go—go-go-go-go....
    • After she gets distracted about the upcoming letter from the instructor, and starts going on about her dream of being a dancer:
    Carla: Excuse me, Diane, but isn't your apartment on fire—?
    Diane: OH, MY GOD—I COMPLETELY FORGOT! (Bolts towards the door) My poor kitty—! (Stops short) Wait a minute...I'm sure I turned it off...!
    Carla: HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! (Wheezing cough) Meaaaaaaaaaaaaaaow! (Hangs head limp with tongue out)
    (Diane bolts out of the bar)note 
  • How about Frasier and Lilith's "debate" back in season 5? On their end, Double Entendre, and Getting Crap Past the Radar. On Sam and Diane's end, Hands Play in Theater and Strangely Arousing. All Up to Eleven!
    • Also from "Abnormal Psychology":
    Frasier: You see, I've already lost...three patients as a result of today's fiasco.
    Lilith: That's odd. I picked up three.
    (Frasier stiffens; Sam scoffs and Diane snickers)
    Lilith: While we're on the subject, Dr. Crane—I suggest that your behavior indicates an unacceptable level of sexual frustration. You strike me as a man who needs professional help—or...perhaps a girlfriend!
  • "Who are three people who have never been in my kitchen?"
  • Sam's complete breakdown during the last act of "Bad Neighbor Sam".
  • Sam and Diane's "almost" wedding: shot from over the minister's shoulder, showing all the money being passed around behind Sam and Diane to pay off bets whether they would or not.
    • The famous "alternate ending" of the wedding, when They Do. Leave it to Sam and Diane to have the "I Dos" come out of an argument.
  • Eddie LeBec discovers Carla's pregnant with twins: "This is the happiest night of my life!"
  • Frasier: "Oh—now you're saying that I'm redundant! That I repeat myself! That I say things over and over!
  • Any and all of Diane's putdowns on Sam's love life.
    Sam: That's the girl. Claudia's been a tough nut to crack, but tonight's the night she's going to be enjoying all the rides in Sammy's Magic Kingdom.
    Diane: She's in for a Mickey Mouse evening with Goofy as her guide.
  • Speaking of Sam and Diane...much of the hilarity of the show during the Diane years stems from Sam the Manchild clashing with Diane the Drama Queen. The result is invariably a BIG "Like an Old Married Couple" moment:
    Sam: You know—while we're talking about problems, you wanna know what really, REALLY bugs me about you?
    Diane: Fine!
    Diane: Pretzels!
    Sam: Yeah, that's right—three bites! Not two, not one like the rest of us—but THREE BITES!
    Diane: Do you want to know what "bugs" me about YOU?!
    Sam: Oh, I'd love to. What?
  • "Cliffy's Big Score" is a classic episode. Especially when Carla meets her date, Lucas.
    Lucas: (mumbles something incoherently)
    Carla: What did he say?
    Norm: I can't believe it matters.
    • Carla sums it up:
      Carla: Well, I can see this is going to be a laugh a minute. An evening with the Stick, the Nerd, and Door Number Three.
    • The funniest part is that Carla finds Lucas is a "real groove" when all they do all night is have sex in the back of Cliff's car.
  • On Cliff getting Maggie pregnant:
    Paul: So, you're gonna have a baby. Are you going to go through Lamaze, or is the baby just going to burst through her chest?
    • Also Frasier's take:
    Frasier: Well, from our "Things You Never Thought You'd Hear" category: That woman is carrying Cliff's child.
  • Any and all of the stories about Woody's family.
    Woody: My uncle Wayne was a master at putting women in the romantic mood.
    Sam: What did he do?
    Woody: Gave them money. Worked like a charm.
  • Sam's rap song on I On Sports:
    Time to rap about a contr-o-versy,
    Gonna take a stand, won't show no mercy,
    Lotta folks says jocks shouldn't be,
    Doing the sports news on TV,
    But I don't want to get the latest scores,
    From a buncha broadcast (beat) school boys,
    So get your scores from a guy like me,
    Who knows what it's like to have a groin in-jur-y,
    G-g-g, groin-n, in-in-in, groin, in-in, groin in-jur-y
    • The funniest part? Woody loves it.
      • Of course, Sam takes the badness Up to Eleven by bringing a ventriloquist dummy on his next outing. It's so bad, Carla exclaims, "Oh. My. God." and Rebecca mutters, "If either of them mention the bar, I'm suing." The look on co-anchor Joanne's face is priceless.
  • Almost every cold opening. Some favorites include:
    • Everyone in the bar stuck in the men's room. Then someone tries to use it, and everyone shouts "Occupied!"
    • Norm trying to explain economics to Woody by tearing up one of Cliff's dollar bills. Carla then decides to do it with a $20 bill.
    • Woody, cleaning up, listens to an ad for a stenographers' school on the radio. He tries to write the phone number, but can't, and goes back on to listening.
    • Everybody's locked out of the bar, and it's cold. Norm comes to the rescue- he's got his own set of keys.
  • "The Days of Wine and Neuroses" begins with most of the regulars complaining about the jukebox being taken out for repairs and how its replacement, a karaoke machine, is not something they could ever imagine using. Frasier spends the entire scene loudly protesting that they never used the jukebox in the first place.
  • A real-life example during a Q&A with cast and crew members sometime after a bridge was dropped on Eddie. Jay Thomas popped up and asked in front of the audience, "Yeah, why did I die?" The audience erupted into laughter as a result. May double as a CMOA depending on your point-of-view on the whole thing.
  • This exchange:
    Frasier: Even the abstract concept of death is absurd. A pale bony figure coming up to tap you on the shoulder when your time is come.
    Lilith: (taps him on the shoulder) Time to go, Frasier.
    Frasier: AAAAH!
  • In one episode, Woody gets a part in the play Hair- only to learn part of it traditionally involves being naked on-stage. Throughout the episode, he's nervous over the prospect and tries to muster the courage to do it. Later after the first performance, an embarrassed Woody returns to the bar. He did get naked on-stage - even ripping his clothes right off. However, the director stated no one needed to take their clothes off if they didn't want to - and no one else did.
    Woody: As if that wasn't bad enough, I heard this high-pitched scream from the audience: "Hey look, he's the only one who's naked!"
    Norm: Sorry, Woody. It took me by surprise.
  • Cliff and Norm discussing Casper the Friendly Ghost:
    Norm: I don't get it. Start of the cartoon, Casper has no friends. End of the cartoon, he has friends. Start of the next cartoon, he has no friends again. What happened?
    Cliff: I think it's obvious what happened. Casper was quenching his thirst for blood.
  • Reality Subtext coupled with a Take That!: "Why would an actress leave in the middle of a successful series?"
    • Which was mocked on The Simpsons episode "Flaming Moe's", in which the Diane Expy leaves Moe's.
      Moe: She left to pursue a movie career. Frankly, I think she was better off here.
  • Frasier's adaptation of A Tale of Two Cities to the bar.
    • His attempt to create interest in David Copperfield involves talking about two coppers, a field and bodily dismemberment.
    • "Y'know, in the space of the last 30 seconds, we have witnessed deceit, sexual turmoil and sudden senseless violence. It puts me in mind of a passage from... The Pickwick Papers."
  • In an early episode, after the Red Sox lose again, Carla gets on a bar stool and announces that she is no longer a Red Sox fan, and everyone else in the bar says the rant alongside her, showing that she had said it multiple times.
    Carla: May I have your attention, please? I have an announcement to make. As of right now...
    Everyone along with Carla: Carla Tortelli is no longer a Red Sox fan. No, no, really! I mean it this time! Now stop that, okay?!
  • Rebecca is trying to buy the bar from Sam. Meanwhile, the bar is out of vermouth and Sam keeps dropping hints.
    Rebecca: I'm prepared to offer you $25,000 in cash.
    Sam: How about $15,000 in cash and $10,000 in VERMOUTH?
  • Anybody want a my tie?
  • In the series finale, when Rebecca keeps neurotically changing her mind about whether Fraiser should call back her plumber boyfriend/fiancé. Fraiser finally gets fed up, throws open the door and theatrically shouts: "Run, Don! Run like the wind!"
  • Their hilarious advertising jingle, sung to "Old McDonald": "Beer and pretzels, that's our name: C-H-E-R-S!"
    • Double points for having it sung by Frasier's father.
    • Triple for having him change to be sung to "Mary Had A Little Lamb".
  • In an Imagine Spot, Sam pictures himself and Diane happily married and long since retired. The phone rings, and he answers it. He listens to the person on the other end, and then shouts into the phone:
    I don't know why, Carla—because I love her, okay?!?
  • Dr. Simon Finch-Royce, full stop. See Comically Missing the Point on the main page.
  • In one episode, Norm is asked why he and Vera never had children. Norm says they thought she was pregnant once, but it turned out not to be so.
    "She waited until after the wedding to tell me."
  • In one episode, Lilith criticizes Frasier for constantly bringing baby Frederick to the bar. After Lilith rejects the idea that it's having any positive influence on a baby that can't talk yet...
    Norm: (entering) Afternoon, everybody!
    Frederick: NORM!
    (All do a double-take...including Norm.)
    Lilith: (happy gasp) He said, "Mommy!"
  • In "Tan N Wash", following Diane making a big show of smiling, glowing, and la-la-la-ing following an alleged date with a guy, Sam has Woody go and learn from her the details. Woody comes, with a wicked grin on his face, and:
    Woody: Hey—Sam? I found out all about Miss Chambers's date. I mean, uh..."beautiful night—of magic."
    Sam: (Tensing) Just spill it—will ya, Woody?
    Woody: Well—the ballet...was exquisite. But it paled by comparison to the—"enchanting coach ride" under the stars. Chad held her "porcelain-like hand" lightly...tracing tiny circles on her, uh—alamander...
    Sam: Alabaster
    Woody:alabaster skin.... And then—fearing that the spell might be broken, she invited him up to her..."pied-a-terre"...for some quiet conversation and warm brandy, and THEN...
    Sam: What?
    • Later in that episode, Carla heads over to a very sunburned Frasier:
    Carla: Hey, Frasier!—y'know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you: When you reaction...when you first saw Diane naked? (SMACKS him on the back!)
    (Diane whirls to them with a disgusted look)
  • In "One Hugs, The Other One Doesn't", Fraiser's increasing Selective Obliviousness that Nanny G, his first wife, is clearly still infatuated with him and trying to win him back, much to Lilith's chagrin. Culminating in the two women having an all-out Cat Fight right in the middle of the bar.
    Frasier: I know I'm going to have hell to pay tomorrow, but right now, I'm the happiest man in the world.
  • "Never Love a Goalie" has Diane in her best Deadpan Snarker form:
    Eddie: I just thought I'd come back and see you know, how you liked your seats.
    Carla: Loved 'em! I like your seat, too.
    Diane: (walking by) Carla, you coquette.
    • Not long after:
    Eddie: So, you're a hockey fan, eh?
    Carla: Oh, yeah.
    Eddie: Well what else should I know about you?
    • (Also something of a collective Moment of Awesome for her: considering all the times Carla insisted on doing this sort of thing to her over the years, Diane kinda deserved a chance for payback.)
  • During the Previously On recap for "Never Love a Goalie", Woody leaves this message on Sam's answering machine. Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming:
    Woody: (beep!) Uh, this is Woody. Sam, uh, I got home tonight and remembered Diane called after you left and wanted me to give you a message. "I love you." Bye. (beep!) Uh, Sam, this is Woody again. That message I just left: you understand it was Diane saying I love you, not me. All right, bye. (beep!) This is Woody again. Uh, don't misunderstand me, I really like you a lot. (beep!) This is Woody again. Uh, I've been thinking it over, Sam. I do love you.
    • The best part: Even Sam starts snickering when Woody begins his backtracking!
  • Sam, when about to have sex for the first time with Diane after a long, combatative first season of Will They or Won't They?:
    Sam: (to God) She better be GREAT!
    • Later in the series, Norm sighs after one of Diane's actions, "I hope she's showing you one hell of a good time." Sam's grin says it all.
  • In the teaser for the Jeopardy episode, a guy enters the bar for the first time in 20 years and talks to Woody about how everything is different, ending in this gem:
    Patron: I guess everything changes in 20 years. They've even changed the panelling.
    Woody: Where?
    Patron: Over there, behind Norm.
  • "Dinner At Eight-Ish" is a classic box full of gems:
    Sam: Love what you've done with the place.
    Diane: Oh, yes—I love all the masculine touches!
    Lilith: (timidly) Thank you.
    • Frasier's suggestion to Lilith before Sam and Diane arrive that they make "dip" their secret Double Entendre (which the two soon forget about) leads to a hilarious One Dialogue, Two Conversations when Sam and Diane sample from the bowl of chips:
    Sam: Say, that uh...that dip looks good.
    (Frasier looks up; he and Lilith share an awkward Look)
    Frasier: (Swallows) ...Dip?
    (Awkward pause)
    Sam: ...Yeah, the, uh...the dip—could you, uh...pass it, please?
    Frasier: (Gathers himself; chuckles) Yes, of course—be my guest. Here, now....
    Sam: (Taking bowl of dip) Oh, thank you. (He and samples with chip) Oh!—Oh, yeah, that is great dip, huh—yeah, try it!
    (Lilith and Frasier share a smirk)
    Diane: Mmm!—Delicious, Lilith! Frasier? Have you tried some of Lilith's dip?
    (Frasier GRINS, looking off; Diane waits)
    Frasier: Yes, I—I have, yes....
    (Lilith straightens up, smiling; Diane looks at them in smiling bewilderment)
    Diane: ...Well, then I don't have to tell you how good it is!
    Frasier: (Chuckles) It's quite good, yes....
    (Lilith GRINS)
    Sam: Well, I-I don't mean to hog it, here, uh—you guys look hungry! Help yourselves!
    (Frasier and Lilith share a Look; they stand up, walk to Sam and Diane—take their chips in sync, dip...and pause to share another Look, which they hold as they taste together. Sam and Diane look up at them, wondering what the heck is going on.)
    Lilith: (Coyly) So, Frasier...was it good for you, too?
    (Beat—they lunge into a Big Damn Kiss)
    Sam: (Beat; turns to Diane) ...What the hell's in this dip?
    (Diane shrugs)
    • Followed up by Frasier and Lilith responding to Diane toasting "your house" by singing a piano-accompanied rendition of "Our House"! The completely random burst into song is cute in itself—but when Diane gets up to join in the singing and starts dancing in place and snapping her fingers to the beat, it becomes downright adorable! The punchline: When Frasier and Lilith notice her antics, they stop—and poor Diane takes a couple seconds to notice, finally sitting down in embarrassment.
  • Any and all of Cliff's fantasies.
    Carla: You know what? You've got a big mouth, Clavin. (storms off...)
    Cliff: She's right, you know. Yeaah, you see, every male descendant in the Clavin family has an extra set of molars in their lower jaw. It's the only way to identify ourselves as the true heirs to the Russian throne.
    Frasier: (bemused) Hello in there, Cliff. Tell me, what color is the sky in your world?
    • Becomes even more Hilarious in Hindsight during a later episode of Frasier wherein Frasier and Niles speculate that, because they own an ugly clock, they might be descended from the Romanov line. However, they have reason to believe that (Martin's family is from Russia, the Bear Clock is an heirloom from the Romanovs. However, that's because it was stolen by scullery maid Grandma who became a hooker in NYC and married Martin's dad.)
  • One episode had Frasier being a party clown. At the kid's party:
    Rebecca: Binky, do your act.
    Frasier: (scared) I'M NOT A CLOWN, I'M A PSYCHIATRIST.
    • Unbeknownst to Frasier, the handkerchief in his pocket would make his pants drop. Rebecca thought he was still wearing skimpy French underwear, but Frasier reveals he ditched them and was actually going commando in the clown pants. Naturally, since he did such a good job, the Grand Dame of the family wants to thank him for his performance. She sneezes, of course, and Frasier reaches for his handkerchief. Cut to black, with the sound of a woman screaming.
  • Frasier's intense Serious Business reaction to "Rudolph The Red-Nose Reindeer", especially how certain he is that the story ends badly for Rudolph after the song ends. Add to that the strong implication that he's deviating into his own life experience....
  • In "Thanksgiving Orphans", Sam's reason for arriving at the gang's party instead of his planned date. As Sam puts it, "Her sister showed up, and they didn't like my idea". It actually takes a couple of beats before the Studio Audience bursts out laughing—it takes that long before they (and we) realize exactly what he's talking about.
  • Frasier describing sexual sensory stimulus to Sam.
    Frasier: You see, Sam, there's documented evidence that all human animals have an erotic, hair-trigger response to at least one of the five sensory stimuli. Could be anything, really. Oh, let's see: sound of surf pounding against the shore, smell of honeysuckle on a warm summer's night... (dreamily) taste of a vintage Chateaux-neuf-du-Pape. Fire-red fingernails... dancing through your chest hair... black lace teddy, straining against its fleshy cargo... (stares into space)
    Sam: Whoa, whoa, Frasier. Snap out of it.
    Frasier: In a minute, Sam.
  • "Chambers Vs. Malone", when Diane rejects a tearful Sam's proposal yet again, he suddenly has an Imagine Spot of being led to execution on Death's Row, and is completely unrepentant, asking the priest if there's any chance he'll be able to find Diane in Heaven to kill her AGAIN. When he snaps out of it, he tells Diane of his dream.
    Diane: That's silly, Sam. Massachusetts doesn't have the death penalty.
    Sam: (Psychotic Smirk) Really?
    (Cue Oh, Crap! on Diane's face as she flees saying she's heading out to campaign to bring it back.)
  • "Chambers Vs. Malone" features one of the funniest summations in the sitcom.
    Sam: (combination matter-of-factly and Deadpan Snarker) You want me to propose to you - I propose to you. You say 'no', I say 'fine, I never want to see you again'. You drive me nuts telling me you want me to propose to again, I do, you turn me down. Next thing I know, I'm in a court of law where I've got to propose to you or I'll go to jail. It's the classic American love story.
  • A few gems came from the old barfly Al, whose first appearance had him insisting that the "biggest bigwig of them all" was Sinatra. And in the very first "Bar Wars", Sam and Carla head to Gary's Old Towne Tavern to apologize, only to find Al there. Carla questions why he isn't there, and he exclaims "Holy mackerel, this isn't Cheers?!"