Complete Monster Cleanup

I have started the thread here

Hey, I've got a similar problem with two writeups. I'll bold the problem sentences:

• The Hate U Give: King is the leader of the King Lords, the criminal gang responsible for the majority of drug distribution, murders, and other criminal activity occurring in the poverty-ridden neighborhood of Garden Heights. King would coerce gang member Maverick into serving three years in prison for his crimes by ordering his goons to shoot Maverick's daughter Starr, killing Starr's friend. He would also force his wife and daughters to prostitute themselves to his clients and gang members, where a scuffle between them results in a shootout at his party; Starr and Khalil would leave said party, leading to the latter getting killed by a cop. Only concerned with how much unwanted attention Khalil's death would bring to his territory, King tries to keep Starr quiet about the incident, by attempting to kill Starr and her family, setting a store on fire with Starr and her friends inside. Using fear to control people and murdering those that he can't, King represents the worst stereotypes of black people.
• The Road to El Dorado: Tzekel-Kan is a fanatical and sadistic priest of El Dorado's religion. He specializes in Human Sacrifice, and when Miguel and Tulio arrive to his city, he believes that they are gods and tries to impress them by attempting to sacrifice an innocent citizen. Later, he comes out with a plan to "purify" the city of the unbelievers. He organizes the game between Miguel and Tulio, against a few citizens of El Dorado. When the citizens lose, Tzekel-Kan wants to sacrifice them before finding out that Miguel and Tulio are not gods. After that, Kan brings a statue of the Jaguar to life—in the process sacrificing his loyal servant—that destroys half the city. When this fails to kill Tulio and Miguel, Tzekel-Kan attempts to set a genocidal Hernán Cortés on his own people. Fanatical and sadistic, Tzekel-Kan embodies every negative stereotype Europeans had about the indigenous peoples of Mesoamerica.

What does representing a stereotype have anything to do with pure evil? Can we gut the last sentences on both these writeups? They add literally nothing.

Thank god honestly. I also feel they are absolutely pointless in this.

Chop 'em

Chop 'em. There are probably others like that.

Oof, yes, get rid of those, I've been meaning to ask about that.

Speaking of Gotham back in the main thread, a rewrite for Strange that includes his Season 5 actions.

• Dr. Hugo Strange is a former associate of Thomas Wayne in the Pinewood Farms project, meant to cure disease but abused by Strange to perform horrifying experiments on patients. When Wayne discovered Strange's deeds and shut the project down, he allied himself with the Court of Owls, having Wayne and his wife gunned down in front of their young son, Bruce. Becoming head of Arkham Asylum, Strange continues his torturous experiments on his patients, driving many insane or transforming them into monsters. Discovering how to bring the dead back to life, Strange resurrects Gotham's deceased criminals as raving lunatics who go on to kill numerous innocents while Strange happily accommodates them to commit their crimes. Ordered by the Court to detonate a nuclear device to destroy evidence of his experiments, Strange agrees, apathetic that this may potentially take out much of Gotham City, and later returns to create a Hate Plague from the Tetch virus, driving Gotham into a killing frenzy. Later allying with Nyssa al Ghul when the city devolves into a No Man's Land, Strange mind controls Edward Nygma and an army general into attacking the city, creates Bane, and attempts to turn Gordon into a similar super soldier to force his aid in the total slaughter of Gotham's populace. Playing everyone as it suited him, Strange proved a narcissistic scientist who cared only for performing his depraved experiments.

What specifically was added?

@Scraggle Cut them.

Original:

• Dr. Hugo Strange is a former associate of Thomas Wayne in the Pinewood Farms project, meant to cure disease but abused by Strange to perform horrifying experiments on patients. When Wayne discovered Strange's deeds and shut the project down, he allied himself with the Court of Owls, having Wayne and his wife gunned down in front of their young son, Bruce. Becoming head of Arkham Asylum, Strange continues his torturous experiments on his patients, driving many insane or transforming them into monsters. Discovering how to bring the dead back to life, Strange resurrects Gotham's deceased criminals, who return as raving lunatics and go on to kill numerous innocents while Strange happily accommodates them to commit their crimes. When persistently investigated by Bruce and Commissioner James Gordon, Strange viciously tortures them before trying to kill them, along with Selina Kyle, the latter merely for having annoyed him. Ordered by the Court to detonate a nuclear device to destroy evidence of his experiments, Strange agrees, apathetic that this may potentially take out much of Gotham City. Strange later returns to create a Hate Plague, planning to unleash it on Gotham to drive the population into a killing frenzy. Playing both Gotham police and the Court as it suited him, Strange proved a narcissistic scientist who cared only for performing his depraved experiments.

Rewrite:

• Dr. Hugo Strange is a former associate of Thomas Wayne in the Pinewood Farms project, meant to cure disease but abused by Strange to perform horrifying experiments on patients. When Wayne discovered Strange's deeds and shut the project down, he allied himself with the Court of Owls, having Wayne and his wife gunned down in front of their young son, Bruce. Becoming head of Arkham Asylum, Strange continues his torturous experiments on his patients, driving many insane or transforming them into monsters. Discovering how to bring the dead back to life, Strange resurrects Gotham's deceased criminals as raving lunatics who go on to kill numerous innocents while Strange happily accommodates them to commit their crimes. Ordered by the Court to detonate a nuclear device to destroy evidence of his experiments, Strange agrees, apathetic that this may potentially take out much of Gotham City, and later returns to create a Hate Plague from the Tetch virus, driving Gotham into a killing frenzy. Later allying with Nyssa al Ghul when the city devolves into a No Man's Land, Strange mind controls Edward Nygma and an army general into attacking the city, creates Bane, and attempts to turn Gordon into a similar super soldier to force his aid in the total slaughter of Gotham's populace. Playing everyone as it suited him, Strange proved a narcissistic scientist who cared only for performing his depraved experiments.

Basically, he helps Ra's' daughter and Bane in their plans to murder everyone in the city by turning various innocents—as much as one can call the Riddler an innocent—into terrorists who bomb and order military strikes on refugee camps. I axed the bit about him trying to torture the heroes and trimmed a few other things so it's not too bloated from that addition.

Cool.

No problem with Dr Strange rewrite.

So, here's Sugou's write-up with the changed line. Thoughts?

• Sword Art Online: Nobuyuki Sugou/Oberon the Fairy King is the director of research and development at RECT Progress Incorporated, former classmate—and the one-time fiancée—of Asuna Yuuki. Obsessed with research into the manipulation of human emotion and envious of his classmate Akihiko Kayaba. Following the clearing of Sword Art Online, Sugou trapped 300 of the surviving players in his own game, Alfheim Online, where he ran experiments on their minds, testing their fear and pain responses. Kidnapping Asuna in the game, he keeps her trapped in a gilded cage at the top of Alfheim's World Tree, while plotting to wed the comatose girl in the real world. When Kirito reaches the top of the World Tree, Sugou uses his administrator abilities to paralyze him, tortures him, and then sexually assaults Asuna in front of him, gloating the entire time about how, once he's freed, he will rape her again in real life. When he fails, he attempts to kill Kirito in the real world, attacking him with a knife. Mentioned again in Alicization, it is shown that Sugou put spies inside the Ocean Turtle with the intention of selling their AIs to foreign governments as he wanted to do with the results of his own experiments. A megalomaniac obsessed with his own glory, Sugou lack any of the virtues of his former classmates.

Rewrite:

• Sword Art Online: Nobuyuki Sugou/Oberon the Fairy King is the director of research and development at RECT Progress Incorporated, former classmate—and the one-time fiancée—of Asuna Yuuki. Sugou is obsessed with research into the manipulation of human emotion and, envious of his former classmate Akihiko Kayaba's accomplishments, seeks to surpass him. Following the clearing of Sword Art Online, Sugou trapped 300 of the surviving players in his own game, Alfheim Online, where he ran experiments on their minds, testing their fear and pain responses. Kidnapping Asuna in the game, he keeps her trapped in a gilded cage at the top of Alfheim's World Tree, while plotting to wed the comatose girl in the real world. When Kirito reaches the top of the World Tree, Sugou uses his administrator abilities to paralyze him, tortures him, and then sexually assaults Asuna in front of him, gloating the entire time about how, once he's freed, he will rape her again in real life. When he fails, he attempts to kill Kirito in the real world, attacking him with a knife. Mentioned again in Alicization, it is shown that Sugou put spies inside the Ocean Turtle with the intention of selling their AIs to foreign governments as he wanted to do with the results of his own experiments. A megalomaniac obsessed with his own glory, Sugou lack any of the virtues of his former classmates.

To the updates on the write-ups

I’m all good for cutting those last sentences on the write-ups brought up by Scraggle.

Rewrite works.

Anyone mind if we add this image to the main image page? From Scraggle's Conan candidate the Stagbringer.

Great image

I'm wondering if it's actually better than the current page image.

I've added Oberon's rewrite to the SAO Sandbox which I just created.

NGL I wondered about replacing the Conan image myself. Numedides' certainly isn't bad but this gets the point across even better. I'd advocate opening an Image Pickin' thread if you want.

Strange rewrite looks good, I support making an Image picking thread for conan

Since animated Red King is up I think we can remove part of his writeup in comic that notes difference in recruiting Caiera.

How does this look.

• The "Red King", real name Angmo-Asan, seemingly saved Caeira's life in a flashback from the slaughter of her village before enslaving her. In his gladiatorial match against the Hulk, the Red King begins by slaughtering a group of the arena's survivors. Ordering the deaths of any who question the tributes he receives, the Red King dismisses the complaints of peasants, whom he compares to animals. In his rematch against the Hulk, the Red King tries to destroy the arena with a nuke, uncaring for the audience within the blast radius. When confronted about his atrocities, the Red King smugly proclaims killing to be his right, duty and pleasure. Finally defeated, the Red King tries to destroy the planet he is on as a final act of spite.

Edited by EmperorGeode on Feb 24th 2023 at 3:25:06 AM

What specifically changed in the writeup?

Here is the old writeup

• The "Red King", real name Angmo-Asan, seemingly saved Caeira's life in a flashback from the slaughter of her village before enslaving her in the comic and revealing himself in the cartoon to be the architect of the attack in the first place to take her as a slave. In his gladiatorial match against the Hulk, the Red King begins by slaughtering a group of the arena's survivors. Ordering the deaths of any who question the tributes he receives, the Red King dismisses the complaints of peasants, whom he compares to animals. In his rematch against the Hulk, the Red King tries to destroy the arena with a nuke, uncaring for the audience within the blast radius. When confronted about his atrocities, the Red King smugly proclaims killing to be his right, duty and pleasure. Finally defeated, the Red King tries to destroy the planet he is on as a final act of spite.

I simply took out comparison beetwen Comic and movie since movie Red King now has his own writeup.

For Archer I wanted to amend the last sentence of my Dutch writeup.

From:

... Striking out on his own after being crippled and having his limbs replaced with mechanical ones, Dutch takes vengeance upon Trexler for the surgery by killing all of his underlings to pose their corpses, and later tries to murder Archer and all of his allies to avenge his injury.

To:

... After being crippled and having his limbs replaced with mechanical ones, Dutch takes vengeance upon Trexler for the surgery by killing all of his underlings to pose their corpses in a grizzly parody of The Last Supper, and later tries to murder Archer and all of his allies to avenge his injury.

First part isn't needed and that scene as a particular wtf horror moment I'd like to include in Dutch's entry with approval.

Thoughts?

Works.

I got Dice Funk on my mind right now since I'm looking for a good MB quote and I feel like the two CM write ups could do with some tweaking. I realized I made a small error in Gylan's and I think Luna could do with an expansion on the personal side of one of his crimes (also he could use a slight trim anyways)

Old

• Dice Funk:
  • "Ilium" (season 3): Gylan Cadun is a vile member of the Order of the Merciful Sword who uses his position to indulge his sadism and prejudices. In the past he ordered the destruction of a village of peaceful Orcs, and when his men refused, had Rolen Hawklight beaten and banished from the Order and destroyed the village anyway. When the vampire Count Danto attacked the Order, Gylan sold them out, killed any paladins that resisted, and willingly became a vampire servant of the tyrannical Danto. Gylan then began recruiting people to become vampires within the Order, allowing them to harass and murder whoever they please, and having dozens of people held captive and drained of their blood. When Rolen and Veltari confronted him, Gylan attempted to cut off Rolen's fingers, and then attempted to force a protesting Veltari to murder an innocent man.
  • "Valentine" (season 4): Saint Luna is the God of Power, created by Semuanya when he died, who forsook the teachings of his father to pursue immortality and gain the power the old gods had. Founding the Crown Corporation, Luna created a system where people struggle to stay out of poverty, brutal Private Military Contractors oppress people in other countries, and the Heads of Crown force people to commit dangerous crimes for their amusement. Luna kept his true identity secret by magically puppeteering numerous people over the years to act in his stead. In his experiments to achieve immortality, Luna uploaded a man's mind into a computer, deemed the experiment a failure, and locked the man away for months. Luna eventually created Project Eternity, which allowed people to upload their minds into new bodies. Luna manipulated Catarina Brooks into murdering dozens of Crown employees. When Team Loser tried to track Luna down, Luna ruined William Graves's life before killing him and another man. When finally confronted by Team Loser, Luna revealed his plan to release Project Eternity to the public at such a high price that anyone who uses it will be stuck in endless debt, effectively becoming Luna's slave for eternity. After his death, it's revealed that Luna aided Aeron with a plan that got countless more people killed.

New

• Dice Funk:
  • "Ilium" (season 3): Gylan Cadun is a vile member of the Order of the Merciful Sword who uses his position to indulge his sadism and prejudices. In the past he destroyed a village of peaceful Orcs and when some of his men resisted his orders, Gylan had Rolen Hawklight beaten and banished from the Order. When the vampire Count Danto attacked the Order, Gylan sold them out, killed any paladins that resisted, and willingly became a vampire servant of the tyrannical Danto. Gylan then began recruiting people to become vampires within the Order, allowing them to harass and murder whoever they please, and having dozens of people held captive and drained of their blood. When Rolen and Veltari confronted him, Gylan attempted to cut off Rolen's fingers, and then attempted to force a protesting Veltari to murder an innocent man.
  • "Valentine" (season 4): Saint Luna is the God of Power, created by Semuanya when he died, who forsook the teachings of his father to pursue immortality and gain the power the gods once had. Founding the Crown Corporation, Luna created a system where people struggle to stay out of poverty, brutal Private Military Contractors oppress people in other countries, and the rich force people to commit dangerous crimes for their amusement. Luna kept his true identity secret by magically puppeteering numerous people over the years. In his experiments to achieve immortality, Luna uploaded a man's mind into a computer, deemed the experiment a failure, and locked the man away. Luna eventually created Project Eternity, which granted people immortality. To expand his power, Luna manipulated Catarina Brooks into murdering dozens of Crown employees, forcing her friends to kill her to stop her rampage. When Team Loser tried to track Luna down, Luna ruined William Graves's life before killing him and another man. Luna's ultimate plan is to release Project Eternity at such a high price that anyone who uses it will be stuck in endless debt, effectively becoming Luna's slave for eternity. After his death, it's revealed that Luna aided Aeron with a plan that got countless more people killed.

Got a question about this guy, Rhapthorne. Writeup for reference.

Dragon Quest VIII: Rhapthorne, while the characters aren't initially aware of it, is present from the beginning to the end, actively causing all the calamities in the game. His most heinous acts include turning the residents of the castle Trodian into immobile plant people; killing the kind old woman in cold blood, after forcing her to come out by holding her son hostage; and ordering the murder of an unborn child of the Godbird Empryea. He also did most of his work by performing Grand Theft Me, which trapped the victims of that into mental torture.

Having a look online there seems to be some errors here:

• "killing the kind old woman in cold blood, after forcing her to come out by holding her son hostage". It's not just the woman he murders since he basically goes Serial Killer on the descendants on the people who imprisoned him.
• "and ordering the murder of an unborn child of the Godbird Empryea". IIRC said guy who actually does it, does it as a final "fuck you" after being beaten in a fight out of spite. Said guy might work for Rhapthorne but he's blackmailing Empyrea with the life of her unborn child for her to attack villages.

What the writeup doesn't mention:

• Before his imprisonment tried to overrun the world of light with his forces.
• Free from the sceptre, he summons his forces and orders them to kill in all their path.
• His personal nature of his serial killings being some of the main character's relatives.

Anyone object to a rewrite?

Oh and for heinous concerns, he pulls off most of his crimes apart from the global ones being stuck in a scepter possessing people with And I Must Scream so he's limited with what he can do until he's free.

Edited by WetFlannels on Feb 24th 2023 at 6:33:03 PM