Narm / The Twilight Saga

aka: Twilight

The books

Thanks to Purple Prose, the books have lots of this:

• One of the best was when Edward was holding his and Bella's baby:
  "He was both dazzling and dazzled."
• The use of melodramatic language such as "destroying angel" in general comes off as this, with the aforementioned phrase becoming considerably less dramatic when a Google search of it turns up results like this◊.
• There is even a mention of a "glowering sky", which brings to mind something like this◊, as pointed out in this recap.
• Sparkly vampires. The point of the meadow scene is that Edward sparkles, literally. And he says that it's the body of a killer. Will either make readers lament about how "true" vampires are dead, or send them into giggles. Edward's line after this scene isn't much better:

  Edward: Friends don't let friends drive drunk, Bella.
  Bella: Drunk?
  Edward: You are intoxicated by my very presence.

• In the second book, Edward attempts to kill himself by sparkling. And not just that: by sparkly striptease.
• The ten blank pages in the second book — to signify that Bella's sorrow over Edward leaving her is so deep that she's not even internally journalling — are either incredibly heartbreaking or incredibly narmy depending on one's view of the series.
• When Jacob starts going into his "abusive Jerkass" persona, Bella tries to punch him, only for her hand to break in the process. Then she proceeds to hop repeatedly while holding her hand. And while she's yelling at Jacob because werewolves don't age, she actually stomps her foot like she's a little two-year old. It's made even narmier by the fact that she's supposed to be very mature compared to people her age.
• Edward isn't any better. In New Moon, when Bella had the Cullens vote on whether or not she should become a vampire, the majority of the family said "yes". How does suave, mature Edward react? He starts shouting "NO! NO! NO!" like a little two-year-old.
• While waiting for the Volturi in Breaking Dawn:
  Edward leaned his head against the same shoulder where he'd placed Renesmee. "Goodbye, Jacob, my brother ... my son."
• In Book II of Breaking Dawn, Jacob very bitterly thinks to himself in his narration that Bella and Edward's unborn baby is after "blood and death, death and blood", which is both hilariously wangsty as well as a case of Department of Redundancy Department.
• From New Moon:
  Aro laughed. “Ha ha ha,” he giggled.
• During her depressive state in New Moon, Bella describes herself as feeling like “a lost moon — my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation — that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity”. This is all over a being dumped by her boyfriend of a few months. Which happened around a year ago. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was intended to be funny, seeing as teens can be melodramatic at times, but it’s written to be deadly serious.
• One of Bella's last lines in Breaking Dawn (both the book and the film) manages to come across as this: "No one's ever loved anyone as much as I love you." (referring to Edward). Besides coming across as melodramatic and cliched rather than sweet and touching, and sounding incredibly pretentious and arrogant to boot, it's just inherently funny coming from Bella. You know, the teenager who compares herself to Juliet (who married someone she knew for about three days and then killed herself when he died) and Catherine from Wuthering Heights (who was involved in a lifelong emotionally manipulative, love-hate relationship with an extremely unstable man). The teenager who got hitched straight out of high school to the first and only boyfriend she'd ever had, whom she'd known for around a year, tops. The same boyfriend whom she constantly goes on about being hot, perfect, rich, hot, dazzling and did we mention hot? And the same boyfriend she has no trouble repeatedly deceiving and emotionally blackmailing. Whom she only agreed to marry to get sex and vampirism and whined the whole time about it right up to walking down the aisle. Yep, she's right. Nobody's ever loved anyone as much as Bella loves Edward.
  • Also, way to throw your new in-laws under the bus. Clearly, Jasper and Alice, Rosalie and Emmett, and Carlisle and Esme's centuries long successful marriages pale in comparison to Bella's love for Edward.
• In Book III of Breaking Dawn, after Irina growls at Bella, Edward has this gem of a reaction: "What?" Edward said angrily. Because a lone question mark implies so much anger.

The films

You know it's bad when you're at a 12:01 showing of Twilight, the theater is full of hardcore fans, and everyone is laughing throughout the whole movie. Examples include:

• This line.
  Edward: This is the skin of a killer, Bella! *sparklesparkle*
• And this one.
  Edward: I like watching you when you sleep.
• Edward's first scenes. Inhumanly pale skin, fluffy retro hair, pink lipstick, and a vague, Johnny Rotten-like stare - and then, out of the blue, he trots up to Bella and says, "I don't think we should be friends".
• What about the expression Edward has when Bella first walks into the science room? He looked like he was going to vomit! Or he did... something else.
• The scene at La Push where Bella tells Angela to ask Eric out because she's a "strong, independent woman" (or pretty much those words).
• Jessica and her boob-tacular dress.
  • "The producers of Twilight would like to remind you that BREASTS exist"
• The cameraman must've had a lot of fun running around in circles getting all the SPECTACULAR SHOTS! Especially in the "you're a vampire!" scene.
  • Either that, or he was being chased by a badger.
• Jasper's perpetual O_________O face.
  • Oh, Jasper's just chock-full of narm. How can anyone take the New Moon party scene seriously with this face◊?
  • I'm Harpo!
  • Emmett looks like he smelled something nasty - maybe sparkly BO is worse than normal BO...?
• Billy Black's eyes bugging out as he drives past Edward.
• Edward calling Bella's scent his 'own personal heroin'.
  "SAY IT OUT LOUD!"
  • "Edward courts Bella the way Batman terrifies criminals."
• The deleted scenes are even worse. On the DVD, they are prefaced with the unbearable ramblings of the director, who wrote most of the narmy lines. (You'd better hold on tight, spider monkey!) One of the uncomfortable deleted scenes is so narmy that it comes out the other side as almost awkwardly endearing: The scene with Bella in Edward's bedroom, and a rather touching moment where Edward's 100 years of journalling is shown, are deflated by Bella walking over to his bookshelf, picking up a rain stick, and telling an anecdote about how, as a kid, she and her mom used to make rainsticks with chinchilla droppings and paper towel tube rolls. With a straight face.
  • In another deleted scene, Bella's dreaming of Edward. In her dream, she literally grabs him by the shirtfront (as he stands watching her sleep) and drags him back onto her bed while making out with him. So. Very. Eager. Along with Bella sleeping in her panties and a tank top, this quickly becomes "wow, Bella must be really horny."
• During the montage of Bella and Jacob fixing the bike, pizza arrives at one point and Bella tosses a single pizza slice, something literally nobody on earth has ever done. It doesn't even transition into a match cut! As the camera pans to the next scene, Jacob catches a wrench from the other side of the shot!
• In New Moon, Alice has a vision during the final Volturi meeting in which Bella (who is destined to become a vampire) and Edward run through a forest. The scene is shot in lovingly overexposed film with the two characters running along in slow motion, dressed in designer clothes and sparkling like nobody's business. The idiotic smiles on their faces help seal the narminess.
• The whole dramatic fight scene was ruined by Edward's wearing what looked like a red dressing gown.
• The look on the werewolf's face before he nearly attacks Bella. "Hulk SMAAAAASH!!"
• The trailer for Eclipse has given us some narmy lines:
  "I'm gonna fight for you until your heart stops beating".
  "Isabella Swan, I promise to love you every moment of forever".
• New Moon’s infamous parting scene:
  Bella: Edward! I'm coming!
  Edward: I don't WANT you to come!
• The line "YOU NICKNAMED MY DAUGHTER AFTER THE LOCH NESS MONSTER?!". It's even earned comparisons to the infamous "You're tearing me apart, Lisa!" line for its narminess.
• The final fight scene between Victoria and Edward, thanks to Bryce Dallas Howard's ridiculous angry face.
• No love for Aro's laugh in Breaking Dawn Part 2? When RiffTrax points out that there's no way to make this funnier than it already is, you know you got some comedy gold here. Even Robert Pattinson is visibly struggling to keep a straight face at 2:42 in the video.
  • Well, Michael Sheen was hamming it up like no tomorrow, so that might as well have been intentional.
  • Pretty much the entire confrontation between the Cullens and Volturi, as the constant cutting between the Cullens' blank stares and Aro's pedo-tacular grin as he stares directly at their young daughter completely destroys any attempt at drama.
• The end of the birthing scene in Breaking Dawn Part 1. With her glazed expression, and her eyes staring fixedly straight, Bella does not look dead — she looks stoned.
• The telepathic conversation between the wolves in Breaking Dawn Part 1 is poorly translated. You'd expect one of them to suddenly cry out, "Squirrel!"
• The flashback in Breaking Dawn Part 2, where the Volturi kill a vampire by tearing her apart. This might have been Nightmare Fuel, if her limbs and head didn't simply pop off as if they were fixed in place with ball joints, like a G.I. Joe figure. Then they pick up the vampire/immortal child and throw it in a bonfire, though it's so blatantly obvious that what Jane tosses in the fire is a ragdoll. And to top it all off, the baby (and his mother's severed head) both explode when they land in the fire, like they were soaked in kerosene. It's all so jarring and weird that it becomes hilarious. Classic narm.
  • The vampire newborn in this scene is played by a very confused-looking toddler with a little bit of red smeared all over his mouth. And the blood is bright red and very evenly applied, which makes it look more like he's just been a messy baby eating a jellied pastry than a monster that just drank the blood from an entire pile of corpses. He's obviously supposed to be a textbook example of a Creepy Child, but his wide-eyed innocent gaze and the fake-looking blood on his face makes him look more adorable than scary.
• In Breaking Dawn Part 2, the part where Carlisle is decapitated by Aro in Alice’s vision is this for some viewers. After seeing his body drop, the camera pans down to his decapitated head, which is rather fake looking with a cross-eyed expression (especially if you pause it on that scene). Aro’s dorky, ham-tastic grin doesn’t help.
• The CGI in the final battle is terrible, with the use of green screen and Wire Fu being almost painfully obvious. The amount of jumping, flipping, super-punching and flying the vampires do throughout the fight makes it look like a bad 90s kung fu movie adapted by a club of pretentious goth actors.
• The movies, especially Breaking Dawn Part 2, absolutely abuse the Bloodless Carnage trope. The final battle has nine decapitations without a single drop of blood being spilled. Maybe the audience could accept it happening once or twice, but when it happens half a dozen times in as many minutes it becomes less like a brutal battle between immortal warriors and more like they're made out of chalk. They're a great reminder as to why the Gory Discretion Shot is used, because it would surely have been a lot more effective than showing all the violence on screen with very obviously fake severed body parts. To be fair though, vampires don't have blood in their bodies so it makes sense there wouldn't be any blood spilling.
• In the first movie, Bella's list of the odd things about Edward includes "you sometimes talk like you're from a different time"... which was not indicated in any way beforehand.

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