- From the first episode:Sam: Gee, I don't know anybody who could firebomb kittens...
Max: Here, let me!
- Also from the first episode, Sam discovers a lump of unrecognizable green slime in a petri dish:Max: It looks like an incredibly virulent form of the Plague!*Sam scoops it up on his finger and tastes it*Sam: But tastes like butter!
- Upon entering a deserted town by a swampSam: Curious. What could account for such a bizarre fluctuation of the populace? War? Famine? Rampant cannibalism?Max: CANNIBALISM! I VOTE CANNIBALISM!
- The bit with the Crinkly Sole Survivor who tries to warn the duo of the monster that's zombified the rest of town:Colorful Oldster: "HEED MY WARNIN'! The creature'll take all the fight out of a man, 'til he's no man at all!" *to Max* "Make him as faint-hearted as a widdle-biddy bunny rabbit, he will!" *runs off*Sam: "I'd call that a fairly sweeping generalization about bunny rabbits, wouldn't you, Max?"Max: "If he wasn't such a likable old soul, I'd have to re-educate the tar out of him."
- From Dysfunction of the Gods, when Zeus towers over Sam and Max, demanding to know who they are. Max pulls a cord in his belly, inflating himself to giant size and bellowing in a helium voice:Max: WE ARE SAM AND MAX! CHAMPIONS OF JUSTICE! TORMENTORS OF ROMAN-FEATURED, BEARDED GUYS IN LOOSE-FITTING JAMMIES!!
Sam: That's Pandora's Box, little pal. You've just unwittingly liberated all the ills and horrors of society!
- Also from this episode, after an unfortunate turn of events in Las Vegas:
- From Christmas, Bloody ChristmasSam: The prison showers. If these walls could talk...
- The Vice Squad short (dedicated entirely to crushing stuff in dad's vice).Max: But remember kids, safety first. Always make sure to wear dad's protective eyewear. *puts on safety goggles*Sam: Hey! What's this? *pulls out a mine with the label "WW2 Surplus! Do NOT crush in vice!"*Max: I can't read a darn thing with these goggles on. Oh well.(Max then proceeds to put the mine in the vice and then it explodes)
- "Seriously, call the hospital"
- "I'm gonna miss that little fella. He smelled like a fine Gorgonzola!"
- The puppet show our duo puts on in "The Second Show Ever:"Ms. Givens: Oh my, surely there's more to your occupation than just pummeling vaporous anomalies insensible!Sam: *falsetto* No, that's pretty much it.
- This gem from Big Trouble at the Earth's CoreSam: (after finding out the Earth's core temperature is near explosion levels) DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?!Max: NO! BUT LET ME GUESS!
- Max getting his wish to become a painted turtle in "The Trouble with Gary":Max: Agh! How could you?! I asked if I could be a painted turtle and I was completely ignored!*zap!*Turtle!Max: *falsetto* ...THANK YOOOOOOOUUU!
- This episode opener.Sam: Here's what we've got to go on. It's an unidentified substance, offensive in both appearance and smell, and it's been in the back of the fridge since we moved in.Max: It's either some kind of spreadable meat byproduct, ooorrrr nesting hamsters!Sam: It is fur-bearing, and that's what throws you!
- From Max's Big Day, Max is handed a Sam suit and blames himself for getting Sam killed. Then the suit speaks...Sam: I'm fine, knucklehead. Much like the weasel utilizes its collapsable skull to fit through near-impossible spaces, I have called upon a like ability to collapse all my bones and bulky organs, in order to dupe these uncultured puppies into thinking they've rolled and pressed me into this unsettling garment. Ha ha ha, neat, huh?
- "We Drop at Dawn"
Sam: *eats a hot dog* The abundance of chemical preservatives has kept this dog farm fresh, Max!Max: *is fighting a living blob of condiments* Wish I could say the same for the sauerkraut!
- While exploring a forgotten part of Central Park, they stumble across a long-abandoned hot dog cart.
- Sam takes offense at the old hippie they find calling him a "cat".
Funny / The Adventures of Sam & Max: Freelance Police