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You crack me up, little buddy.

Sam and Max: Freelance Police video game series

Season One

Episode 101: Culture Shock

  • When investigating Sybil's "Relax" sign:
    Sam: That may be the least relaxing sign I ever seen.
    Max: What about that one outside the barber shop that said "Low Fatality Rate"?
    Sam: I stand corrected.
  • An interesting exchange that occurs when exiting a conversation with Bosco:
    Bosco: Remember, we never had this conversation.
    Max: What conversation?
    Bosco: The conversation we just had.
    Sam: No, he was pretending to not know about the conversation.
    Bosco: What conversation?
    Max: Oh, brother!
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  • The last "Do you have any..." line before the options restart:
    Sam: Do you have any... weapons of mass destruction?
    Bosco: Who's asking?
  • Driving around, and pulling people over can have hilarious moments, such as when Max yells at the driver to pull over:
    Max: This is your first and final warning! Pull over, or die!
    • And this, after shooting the driver's taillight:
    Sam: Your taillight's busted.
    Driver: But you're the ones who broke it!
    Max: Your point being?
    • And some of the other options:
    Sam: According to our homemade radar gun, you were just exceeding the speed of light.
    Driver: That's not physically possible.
    Max: Oh, would you like me to show you what's physically possible?
  • This, after Sam got hypnotized:
    Bosco: Call the CIA, call Interpol, call Mickey Rooney!
    Sam: (Hypnotized) Must...deliver...(Breaks for a second) Mickey Rooney?? (Resumes)...videos...
  • The various things you can get the hypnotized Soda Poppers to do in the finale, particularly the "become" commands. One of the best is if Sam commands the Poppers to "Become me!".
    Whizzer: Somersaulting Democrats in a crate of sauerkraut!
    Peepers: Patience is a sharp razor to swallow!
    Sam: Who's that supposed to be?

Episode 102: Situation: Comedy

  • "They're probably hiding a cow!"
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  • Max sharing an anecdote on Myra's show about his pal, Sam, and something that happened the other day.
    Max: Well, I was battering this purse-snatcher with a broken parking meter and screaming "Die! Why won't you die!" and Sam said, "you crack me up, little buddy!"
    Myra: ...The point being?
    Max: I crack Sam up!
  • Listen to the Office's answering machine for a golden moment easily missed.
    Max: Sam, it's me. Open the window! I'm trapped on the ledge again!
    Max: Sam, come on! I have to pee! And the PTA is here, and they're carrying signs!
    Max: Hey, Sam, it's me again. I found a way to solve all three of my problems at once! Buuut I'm gonna be needing bail…
  • Bosco's attempts to talk like the type of people he's disguised as.
    Bosco: (As a British gentleman) Pip pip! Honey Nut Cheerios.
    • You can actually attempt to arrest Bosco for this:
    Sam: Hands in the air Bosco! You're coming with us!
    Bosco: Good heavens! What is the meaning of this??
    Max: We're taking you in for masquerading as a man of class and distinction.
    Bosco: What the devil? Surely you jest?
    Sam: Yes, surely we do. On the bright side, you can add the police to your long list of paranoia induced nightmares subjects.
  • This:
    Sam: Do you have any...ketchup?
    Bosco: Nope...oh wait!
    Max: Got you!
    Bosco: Blast! Drat! Dash it all!
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  • Cooking Without Looking
    Sam: And with the magic of TV cooking show time... (looks at the casserole he made) Ta-da! You've now successfully perverted the laws of God and man.
  • After Hugh Bliss proves that he can read Sam's mind, Max request that Hugh reads his mind next.
    Hugh Bliss: (Looks at Max for a few seconds, then gasps) Oh my! That's unspeakably depraved!
    Max: Yeah, you got it! Wow, you're amazing.
  • After clicking on a set of knives labelled "Dangerously Sharp Instruments":
    Max: "Hey Sam, can I-"
    Sam: "No."
  • This short, but funny exchange between Sam & Max on the Cooking Without Looking set:
    Sam: What do we do now?
    Max: Make food?
    Sam: Brilliant!

Episode 103: The Mole, The Mob and the Meatball

  • Seeing what the duo decided to save from their previous case is always fun, but the the best one has to be the memento from 103 (revealed in 104) It's poor Leonard!
  • The Ted E. Bear's theme song, which repeatedly iterates that there aren't any real mobsters:
    Ted E. Bear's is oodles of fun
    Slots and sandwiches and tokens and guns
    And look, no mobsters, nary a one
    Just you and me and Ted E. Bear!
  • At this point, Bosco's B-Tads system won't restrict you from using your gun in the store anymore, so you can shoot your gun in the store, which produces hilarious reactions from Bosco:
    Bosco: He's got a gun, and he doesn't know how to use it!
  • Saying the code phrase "Does the carpet match the drapes?" to absolutely everyone. You'll get hilarious results.
    Sam: Does the carpet match the drapes?
    Mob guard: I don't know. I set fire to the drapes. I love to watch things burn.
    Max: Hey, me too!
    Sam: Sorry I asked.
  • If you talk to the guy at the front door about the mole thing.
    Sam: I hear you have a "mole problem"?
    Lovey Bear: Hey! It's a genetic condition! You should have seen my father's back!
    Sam: Holy cow! I'm actually being too subtle!
    Max: First time that's ever happened!
  • Try taking your megaphone out, during the chase scene.
    Max: Pull over! (beat) Oh wait, I forgot we were the ones being chased. Never mind!
  • Max's overly-dramatic fake death during the Shoot Your Mate scene. "O, death, where is that guy Sting?"
  • Try taking your gun out in the middle of Ted E Bear's.

Episode 104: Abe Lincoln Must Die

  • The very first scene, where they use the bug for a Crank Call.
    Bug: I. Am. Reborn. I will FEAST on your entrails, and DEVOUR your soul!
    (Max giggles like a schoolgirl)
    Sam: You know Max, sneaking the bug into that exorcism was an uncharacteristic stroke of genius.
    Max: Demonic possession is the gift that keeps on giving.
    • Even better when you use the same bug recording while calling Meesta Pizza:
      Max: So what did they say?
      Sam: The toppings cost extra, and they're all out of entrails.
    • For even bigger laughs, use the bug when phoning the White House but before recording over the demonic possession speech.
      Bug: I will FEAST on your entrails, and DEVOUR your soul!
      Agent Superball: I asked you not to call me at work, dear.
  • The president recalls the duo entering the White House before Whizzer entered, calling them Interpreter imposters:
    Sam: Were they walking around, examining everything, and engaging everyone in pointless conversations?
    President: Those were the ones!
    Max: Those accursed clones! When will their devilish mimicry end?
  • The president even asking for assistance from interpreters to understand Whizzer in the first place, who speaks perfect English.
    Sam: "Prepare to die, capitalist oppressor! Men, launch the dragoons! Our victory is at hand! Aim destructo-beam at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Fire on my mark. 3...2..."
    Whizzer: Wait! I heard that! That's not what I said at all!
    • Or this:
  • "SAM DID IT!"
  • Max's election speeches, especially this one:
    Max: This election reminds me of a droll story. It seems Chester A. Arthur and the Pope were kayaking down the Amazon one day. Suddenly a tiny Candiru fish swims up the Pope's (censored) and lodges itself in his (censored). Arthur grabs the Pope's (censored) pliers and (censored) swelled up like a melon. And the Pope says, "Thanks! Last time that happened, McKinley wanted to (censored three times)!" (beat) No wait! Wait! Wait, I think I told it wrong.
  • During talks between the POTUS and Governor Whizzer, you can take the chance to offer him a soda. Due to his... bladder issues, he needs the bathroom. You can say that he wants to see Lincoln's bedroom. You can see where this is going... Max's comment?
    Max: Sam, did you just make an innocent person defile one of the most famous rooms in U.S history?
    Whizzer dashes back, relieved.
    Sam: Apparently, I just did.
  • The War Song, particularly Sam and Max's reactions.
    Sam: Well...
    Max: Let's never do that again!
  • Once they have access to the War Room, one of the potential targets is Krypton, but if you fire an ICBM at the thing, you're just told it'll be 26 million years until it actually gets there.
    • And then there's Max's various one liners when Sam fires a nuke at something. For example, when targeting Bosco's Inconvenience:
    Max: Attention, Bosco shoppers, cleanup on aisle everything.

Episode 105: Reality 2.0

  • This bit:
    Bosco: Everyone on the internet has to pick an avatar. Like a dwarf or orc or a hot young 15 year old girl curious about the adult world and willing to experiment.
    Max: I didn't think it was possible, but he's actually less creepy as the elf.
    • Speaking of Bosco's half-elf avatar, that one is pretty hilarious too. Or better, try hitting him with the sword when you have the wooden sword from him.
  • The second to last bit of the "Do you have any..." gag.
    Sam: Do you have any... self-respect?
    Bosco: Nay!
    Max: Ha ha! Tricked you!
    Bosco: (In his regular voice) No, I understood the question. I understood it all too well.
  • Since Max is President of the United States now, he has gotten rid of the old carpet in the Freelance Police's office when he made it the new Oval Office. If you walk outside, you can see the old carpet in a nearby dumpster. Sam wonders why Max had a perfectly good carpet thrown away. Max's answer?
  • When observing the Reality 2.0 version of Bosco's gumball machine, Max questions where "the big honkin' ones that let you eat ghosts" are. The Internet appears to mention that said pellets have been removed, as Reality 2.0 caters to a spectral clientele.
    Max: AIs are always soooo PC.

Episode 106: Bright Side of the Moon

  • Bosco has spent the season dressing up unconvincingly as various nationalities. Then, when you meet him in this episode:
    Sam: Hey Bosc- Oh dear God!
    Bosco: (dressed as his mother) Didn't I tell you boys not to track mud in the store? I just vacuumed!
    • When you start asking the "Do you have any..." gag that was present in all the other episodes, Bosco starts revealing that he has things that would have instantly solved the conflicts from previous episodes in stock. Watching Max just freak out that instead of going through typical adventure game monotony, they could've just bought the stuff they needed, is priceless.
    • And after Sam has asked for all previous episodes' objects, he asks for the one you need now, which is Hugh Bliss tied up behind him... which Bosco doesn't have.
    • Gets turned into a Brick Joke in 204: Chariots of the Dogs, where Sam can go behind the counter of Bosco's shop and find all of those items sat on the counter.
  • This exchange:
    Sam: Knowing you, Bosco, it's entirely reasonable, but how much for the earthquake maker?
    Bosco: (without his falsetto) One hundred trillion dollars.
    • Even better is Bosco being very Genre Savvy in the matter:
    Bosco: Look, man, all I know is, I keep making up the most ridiculous price I can think of, and you keep payin' it! So I ask you, who's the foo'?
    Sam: Well, with a sales pitch like that, how could we not buy it?
  • Sybil's latest job:
    Sybil: We have become the queen of Canada!
    Max: I thought Rush was the Queen of Canada.
    • In the final showdown between Sam and Hugh Bliss, Bliss repeatedly transforms into his bacteria form to escape death. The first time this happens, Max has this to say:
    Max: My magic 8-ball told me to bring my anti-bacterial soap today! WHY DIDN'T I LISTEN?!?

Season Two

Episode 201: Ice Station Santa

  • When they meet Bosco for the first time in Season 2 and they react like they saw the worst Bosco disguise EVER.
    Max: Claw out my eyes Sam! I can't stand to look at it!
    Sam: Not if I claw out my own eyes first, little buddy.
  • Bosco's paranoia about the package that was delivered to him.
    Bosco: Hey guys, does my package sound like it's ticking to you?
    Max: Not your best pick up line.
    Bosco: I think my package is the bomb!
    Max: Now THAT'S a pick up line!
  • Two of Bosco's new gadgets: the Personal Antipathy Registration Annulment and Non-negational Omnifunctional Identification Device.
    Max: That's just paranoid.
    Bosco: Technically, yes it is.
  • You can drive Bosco absolutely mad by constantly saying things that involves his store, which includes the "Do you have any..." sequence:
    Sam: Do you have any-
    Sam: It's not?
    Bosco: NO!
    Sam: Oh, why didn't ya say so?
    Bosco: AHHH!
    Max: A trillion dollars worth of detection equipment, and he still didn't see that coming from a mile away.
  • Max's line the first time he and Sam go down the chimney of Santa's workshop.
    Max: Ho! Ho! Ho..hhh My GOD I'M ON FIRE!!
  • Sam and Max are forced by the Spirit of Christmas Past to atone for stealing Jimmy's boxing glove in the previous season. The only way to return the glove to him in the past is to steal it from him in the present, creating a confusing Stable Time Loop. This completely fails to solve any of the problems you've caused him, except for his wife leaving him - because Sam kidnapped her in the past to get him in a position to take the glove from him in the present. And yet the Spirit still considers the debt repaid!
  • The Friendly Demon Song. Particularly some of the alternate lyrics you can have Sam sing.
  • The interactions with the Waxing Lyrical Maimtron:
    Sam: Now tell us your manufacturing code.
    Maimtron: 867-5309.
    Max: Oh! Well that was nice and helpful of- Hey wait a minute!
  • Trying to arrest the Maimtron doesn't work, but not because of the Bullying a Dragon trope:
    Sam: Seriously, you're under arrest! We're police!
    Max: That's it! No one quotes "Walk Like An Egyptian" to me and lives!
    Max: Yes, and yes.
  • Making elves cry.
  • The twist ending:
    Sam: Hey Max, do you think we should have driven off before they loaded all the presents?
    Max: What's the rush, Sam? It's the middle of November!

Episode 202: Moai Better Blues

Episode 203: Night of the Raving Dead

Episode 204: Chariots of the Dogs

  • This exchange:
    Sam: How'd you get those DNA Samples?
    Momma Bosco: Isn't it obvious?
    (Sam and Max stare at the camera)
    Momma Bosco: Saliva, fools!
    • Also:
    Bosco: They're just waiting to probe us and turn us all into freakish animal/human hybrids!
    Max: Bosco! Sam is standing right here!
  • During the conversation where, after Momma Bosco has unexpectedly fallen in love with Max and he and Sam are trying to convince her that this is a bad idea, this exchange occurs if the player selects "Max is psychotic!".
    Sam: Max is belligerent, recalcitrant, and quite possibly psychotic!
    Momma Bosco: So you're jealous, is that is? Want to keep him all to yourself?
    Max (smiling): I never knew you felt this way, Sam.
    Time Elevator: Temporal anomaly detec-
    Sam: Shut up! It's not like that!
  • Bearing in mind that usually, Sam and Max would say exactly the same thing every time the player clicks on a certain object, the Banang scene just gets even funnier.
  • The duo go back in time to collect the record contract Sam obtained in "Situation: Comedy". Past Sam & Max steal the elevator, forcing the present duo to take The Slow Path:
    Max: You... JERKS!
    Sam: You made us go through the last year and a half all over again!
  • When Sam is trying to convince his preteen self to be more out-going, young Sam insults his weight. Present Sam then pulls out his gun, only stopping when the time elevator AI brings up that he's about to cause a paradox.
  • Sam needed to get into a display case on the wall containing a letter by the president in Stinky's restaurant, and asked Max to distract Stinky.
    Sam: Max, distract Stinky for me. (Starts unscrewing the display case)
    Max: Oh my God! Look Stinky!
    Stinky: Ahh! What, what!?
    Max: Somebody's trying to break into your display case!
    Stinky: Ahhh.
    Sam: Real smooth, Little buddy...
  • When you need to bring Mr. Featherly from the beginning of the universe to one of the Mariachis, Sam literally shoves him into his jacket (to his protests), takes him out when he needs to, shoves him back in, and continues to keep him in his inventory for the rest of the episode.

Episode 205: What's New Beelzebub?

  • Naked Bosco. That is all.
  • When Sam tries to mess around in Hugh Bliss' cubicle to sole a puzzle:
    Sam: Distract Hugh Bliss for me!"
    Max: Oh dear, I seem to be completely naked. I hope I don't have to bend over provocatively and-
    Sam: That's enough Max.
  • The bachelor party:
    Flint Paper: Hey guys! you're just in time for the stripper!
    Max: Oh boy! [The Monster comes out] OH GOD!
    • Also from the Bachelor party scene, after getting the partygoers to drink the fruit of knowledge cider:
    Bosco: I'm naked!
    Mr. Featherly: I'm naked!
    Max: I'M NAKED! ...oh, I thought we all just saying that.
    • And there's this:
    Sam: ...Conga line! Who's with me?
    Max: (beat)(raises hand) ...I am!
  • Finding out that Santa actually hates kids and choose the job specifically because it allows him to live in the one place that has no children and be the least likely to see any kids during his one work day of the year.
    • Also, Sam's good-bye to Santa before you finish his puzzle.
    Sam: Have a holly, jolly, eternal damnation!
  • After escaping Sam's personal Hell:
    Satan: What the devil? That Hell was practically inescapable.
    Sam: Sorry, Satan. Your demon impostor was no match for the true power of friendship and cooperation!
    Max: Plus I ripped out his kidneys.
  • The reveal of the Soda Poppers as the villains in Season 2 has them demonstrating their new demonic powers to Sam & Max. Each Popper has a power related to his shtick. After a demonstration of Specs and Peepers more mundane powers, Whizzer goes last, enthusiastically telling the heroes that his power is, "It burns when I pee!" and then proceeding to drop his fly and then fire a literal stream of flaming urine at them!
  • Harry Moleman talking about how it's kind of tiring having to do his entire job as Death alone, and commenting about how having an assistant or a partner would make things a lot easier.
    Sam: (look at Max, then back at Harry) Yeah, that's what you'd think, at first.
  • Peepers seducing Sybil. No description or series of quotes can do this sequence justice, although Max does sum up the situation quite nicely.
    Sam: Max, what's our situation?
    Max: Peepers is making the move on Sybil. She's totally into it.
    Sam: Just wanted to make sure my dementia hasn't kicked in early.
  • Try talking to one of the molemen before you're allowed into hell. (Paraphrasing)
    Sam: Excuse me, could you tell us where-
    Moleman: Holy schklamoley! Do you know how to full out a suit!
    Sam: (Annoyed, he adjusts his tie) ...Well, I never!
  • Sam and Max escape from a lava filled pit using Santa's sleigh as shown in a previous episode. The escape literally causes hell to freeze over. Immediately after, for the first time Sam lets Max answer the phone, and Max wins the nobel peace price, and becomes the conductor of Sybil's wedding.
    • Bonus points for how Satan battles the Soda Poppers: Never thought you'd see the Devil himself having a snowball fight with three former child stars, did you?


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