After getting interrupted by the Melsky family during his iron presentation, Joe spends the rest of the episode holding up two mineral rocks in his hands.
When Sue and Nicole Melsky go up to look at Joe's room, Joe puts his hand over something above his bed. Look closely and you can see it's a Hawaiian postcard with a picture of a woman in a bikini on it.
Joe's conversation with Gene about selling his house.
Joe: Is your house for sale if someone else puts a For Sale sign on your lawn? I think I'm being pranked again by local teens.
Gene: One time I was at a yard sale. With Lulu. I got a blue dot sticker stuck to my shirt. Ha. Someone offered me three dollars for it.
Joe: What happened, Gene?
Gene: I thought about selling it, but I couldn't. It's the shirt my sons designed for me. And also, I didn't want anyone to see my nipples.
Joe: I understand that. I was a chubby boy.
Gene: Yes.
One of the reasons Joe states for why he doesn't want to sell his house is because seven wild turkeys came into his backyard and he fed them Apple Jacks, and he's hoping they'll come back.
"I don't want to move to Ontario. But I also can't have another lawsuit in my life right now. I need an ice cream."
At the end of the episode, Joe explains that the reason he has a lawsuit is that he and Gene are just suing each other to learn about the legal system and to determine whether there's racial bias in the courts.
Joe apparently gives his Nana rocks a lot, which she uses as paperweights.
Joe Pera Takes You To Breakfast
Joe apologizes for getting too "excited" about breakfast after saying "I think breakfast rocks, dude" in his regular tone of voice.
"Gravy makes me sleepy, and I have to go to the bank this afternoon."
Joe learning about Gene and Lulu's breakfast crews.
Gene: A breakfast crew is a group of living individuals who meet for breakfast at the same spot at the same time. We do Saturdays at nine. We even have a name; The Over-Easys.
Joe: That's great. What do your wives do?
Gene: They got their own breakfast crew. They're called the Pink Grapefruits. They're right over there.
Joe: Oh. Hi, Lulu.
Lulu: Hey Joe. Please, don't come over here.
Joe's prize for his best student is a green apple.
Mike Melsky gets extremely angry when he can't get his "Perfect Egg Bite" right.
Mike: I need a win! Things aren't going well for me.
Joe Pera Takes You on a Fall Drive
The episode begins with Joe talking up his utterly pedestrian 2001 Buick Park Avenue as if it was some kind of luxury car commercial.
Joe: Luxury. Refinement. Power. These are three words I would use to describe the 2001 Buick Park Avenue. Combining engineering excellence with a classic interpretation of style, the Park Avenue is truly one of America's most beautiful automobiles.
Joe explains why he takes his fall drive every year on the Saturday following Halloween.
Joe: It's a tradition that started when I was trying to answer the question; "How come jack-o'-lanterns scare me so goddamn much?" I'm sorry to swear, it's just that for the longest time I couldn't figure out why they unnerved me, even though I'm bigger and more powerful than them, and I own a credit card.
Joe and his Nana dressed as the twins from The Matrix.
When looking back at old Halloween photos, one of Joe's costumes is John Voelker, Marquette county prosecutor and author of Anatomy of a Murder.
Joe eating his lunch in his car to avoid hearing about another teacher's sexual escapades.
After Joe gives his jack-o'-lantern a rather heartwarming Burial at Sea and the credits start rolling, he comes in with a Weird Aside.
Joe: Doesn't that water look like root beer? I wish it were too. Unfortunately it's just colored by tannic acid released by cedar swamps upstream.
Joe's song, "Warm Apple Night".
Warm apple night.
It's a warm apple night.
It's a warm apple night.
Warm apple night.
Joe Pera Shows You How To Dance
Joe describes dance.
Joe: Dance communicates something primitive and essential. Love. Lust. Joy. Guy bounce.
Joe is unsure of how to properly conga, thinking he might have to put his hands on the butt of whoever is in front of him. His hands end up hovering around the person in front of him, before Sarah tells him he's supposed to grab the shoulders.
Joe Pera Talks You Back To Sleep
Joe's list of reasons you might have woken up.
Joe: Did the thunder wake you too? Or was it something else? Perhaps you're nervous about starting something new. A new job. A new baby. A new pair of dress shoes you're stressed about breaking in. Maybe you're waiting for the cast list to go up. Or perhaps your debut album is coming out tomorrow, and you're worried people will say you're ripping off Bruce Springsteen. But you're nothing like Bruce Springsteen. You're not from New Jersey, you're from Delaware. You make dubstep. Your hair has been thinning for years. You're 5'1" tall. You have no teeth, you're all gums. Your microphone is just an old vacuum cleaner. You perform on your hands and knees and you sing about fashion week. ...I dunno. Sorry.
Joe's tangent about the soothing sound of liquids being poured.
Joe: I could go for some wafers and milk, but it'd be a shame to get up and miss a good lightning. Rain tapping on windows has to be the number four most soothing sound, and milk being poured into a glass is close behind. Whole milk is especially soothing. Then again, most liquid pours are. Watching liquid flow from a large container into a small container is a delight.
Joe shows you his sheet music collection.
Joe: I love this piece because the composer looks like a little hamburger boy. Sorry to tease.
Joe's list of things that can take your breath away.
Joe: You don't have to be a music teacher to have your breath taken away. There's a lot of nice stuff that can do that. Like, a really good lightning...great water pressure...when you almost die, but then, you survive...the flavor of a pineapple...when the hotel hot tub isn't filled with teenagers, so that you can relax your neck muscles after a long day of looking up at the air show. The Blue Angels were amazing in their FA-18 Super Hornets, but these jets are even better.
After mentioning that his students are willing to explain him new slang, Joe signs off, telling the listeners he hopes they can get back to sleep, and that tomorrow, "your crush becomes your bae."
Joe Pera Reads You The Church Announcements
Joe stopping in the middle of the church announcement to talk about how much The Who rocks.
Joe: The holidays are coming up, and the Roy P. Shumacher Toy Drive will take place from December — I'm sorry. Have you guys heard of The Who? They rock! They're unbelievable! I heard them for the first time on Thursday and I haven't slept since!
Joe subtly nodding his head to the beat when he hears "Baba O'Riley" for the first time.
As Joe bids the viewers good-bye at the end of the episode, he repeatedly gets his car stuck in some snow, repeating "Aw, shoot. Aw, shoot." each time.
Joe Pera Lights Up The Night With You
Joe's attempt to entertain little Kelsey Melsky is a game called "Find the Log".
Kelsey asks if she can have a sip of Joe's beer. He promptly refuses.
Joe: Believe me, I wanted to, but you cannot give kids beer. It makes them wild.
Gene sends Joe a text saying that he and Lulu are wearing blue underwear.
Joe: Seems like TMI, but in several Latin-American countries, they believe that the color of your underwear on New Year's will determine what the new year will bring. Blue underwear brings you good health, yellow prosperity, red brings romance, and white brings peace and harmony. I just wonder what color underwear I'd need to wear to get my New Year's wish; a commercial deli slicer, so I can slice my own cold cuts just the way I like them. Nice and thick.
Joe wonders why people don't cheer after every firework.
Joe: This reminds me of something I've been wondering about; How come people don't cheer after every firework? Fireworks are amazing. But I've noticed people will cheer for the first two or three of them, but then, by the fourth or fifth firework, go quiet and blank, as if they were staring out a train window on their way to visit Gigi and Pup-Pup. And I considered; Why does this happen? What are they thinking about? Who is Keyser Söze?
Pera's Four Stages Of Watching Fireworks
Stage One: Wow
Stage Two: Thinking about fireworks
Stage Three: Thinking about ex-girlfriends
Stage Four: Grand finale
Joe Pera Tells You About The Rat Wars of Alberta, Canada, 1950 - Present Day
Sarah's repeated attempts to climb into her massive truck.
Sarah's gift to Joe after the show is a machete.
Joe Pera Answers Your Questions About Cold Weather Sports
Joe spends most of the episode without his glasses on, unable to see anything too far away.
We finally get a couple of explanations as to why Gene's wife, Lulu, seems to dislike Joe. First is when he and Gene ordered twelve movies off the satellite dish. The second is when he and Gene pretended to be French-Canadian fur trappers in the house while she was on vacation, and when she came back the whole place smelled of onions and pickling vinegar.
From Joe's solo auditions.
Joe: If you're nervous, you can just remember that when Robert De Niro auditioned for Godfather, he lost the role of Sonny to James Caan, but it kind of worked out because he was able to play young Vito in Godfather II.
Thatcher J: Kay.
Joe: Have you seen The Godfather?
Thatcher J: No.
Joe: Me either. I try to avoid movies with violence.
Joe drops his meatball on his pants, and after his conversation with Nana, we see the massive stain it left on his pants.
Joe and his Nana talking about Sarah.
Nana: Do you like talking to her?
Joe: Yeah.
Nana: Are you excited when you're around her?
Joe: Yeah.
Nana: Does she do drugs?
Joe: I don't know that one.
Nana: Can she dance?
Joe: Yes.
Nana: Do you think she's good looking?
Joe: Yes. Like an old woman who was made into a young woman, in the best possible way. And she's musical, and owns a snowmobile.
Sarah using her toilet in the middle of her conversation with Joe.
Season Two
Joe Pera Talks With You About Beans
The episode opens with one of Joe's class' choir performances, Joe and Sarah visiting Nana, and a man working on putting a screen in an upstairs window as the choir sings in the background. Smash Cut to Joe talking about beans.
Joe: Beans. They have it all. Protein. Carbs. Fiber. Affordable.
Joe explains his bean arch.
Joe: The snap beans will hang down, so that when I walk under, I'll be able to just reach up and pick a bean. Imagine that. Not having to bend over and pick a bean. But to reach up and pick a bean. If you're tall, maybe even with your mouth.
Joe on why he picked beans.
Joe: There are a number of vegetables you can grow on an arch, but I chose beans because good flavor.
(The words "Good Flavor" appear on the screen next to Joe)
Joe: Can you describe the flavor of beans? Me either, but I know it's much better than eating plain rice. They're simple to grow, and you can eat them now, or you can can them and eat them years from now, or you can put them back in the ground and get more beans. If you do it right, you'll never have to buy a bean again. Save a million dollars. Ha, okay, a thousand dollars. I'm getting carried away.
Joe on why he and Sarah began their relationship on Easter.
Joe: You've heard it ten times before, but after New Year's and Valentine's Day, Easter is the third most romantic day of the year.
Joe putting the bean posts in the ground, causing dogs to bark every time he does it.
The step-by-step instructions on building a bean arch.
1. Put four posts into ground
2. Bend 16' by 4' wire paneling into an arch
3. Secure panel to posts
4. Get something to drink
5. Plant bean seedlings
To celebrate the arch going up, Gene brings a bottle of brandy. Look closely and you can see Sue Melsky hand the glass to her daughter Nicole.
Joe's closing.
Joe: I can give you a lot more reasons to grow beans, and will. But there's no rush. We've got all summer. And if you're not interested in beans, or whether the arch will complete, you can still tune in to see my summer wardrobe, and finally see my calves.
Joe Pera Takes You For A Hike
Joe asks Sarah to stop the car, and tells her that he's tired of hiding it. Sarah thinks he's talking about hiding their relationship from the other teachers, but then Joe gets out of the car and starts running. Turns out he was talking about hiding his urge to run around empty baseball diamonds.
The flashback to Joe's childhood, where after not getting a single hit during the baseball season, he runs the bases anyway after being struck out, leading to him being banned from Little League.
Joe: I follow the rules now, because I am afraid of jail.
Joe Pera Waits With You
Joe on waiting for his Nana to get her hair done every week.
Joe: Every Friday afternoon since I was five years old, I've waited for my Nana to get her hair done, and as soon as she's finished, we go for a fish fry. I suppose I could run errands or go home and play computer, but I think that she likes that I'm here. I do too. Also, the price of gasoline. (Thumbs down)
Joe does some audience participation.
Joe: Can I ask you a question? What kind of fish do you think I'll get at tonight's fish fry? Perch or whitefish? ...Yup. You got it. What's my second choice? ...Yup. You got it. Man, I can't wait to eat that fish meal.
Joe drops some Dragon Ball knowledge out of nowhere.
Joe: Nothing around here changes much. Kind of like the Hyperbolic Time Chamber in Dragon Ball, where Gohan, Goku, Vegeta, Trunks and other characters go to train, because inside of it, one day equals one year of regular time. Unlike the Saiyans, though, the clients here haven't changed their hairstyles much in the past few decades. Right, Hope Rose?
Hope Rose: What's he talking about now?
Joe: Oh yeah, and Piccolo, too, but he doesn't have any hair.
Joe's hairstyle montage.
Joe: Here I am with...Mr. Slick. Flattop. A co-worker who's thinking of deep-frying a turkey this Thanksgiving. The MRI technician. The mayor's wife. Rich South African guy. Hockey guy. Hockey guy two. AAAAAAAAAAH!Super Saiyan 2.
Joe on waiting for people.
Joe: When it comes down to it, waiting for someone is just a nice thing to do. Think of a hospital waiting room or someone who waits for a loved one to serve a prison sentence. What's more romantic than that? If my wife goes to jail, I'll wait for her, as long as it's not murder.
Joe describing the various old women at the beauty parlor.
Joe: That's Carol, my Nana's best friend.
Lulu: That girl is too nice. He needs to be yelled at a bit.
When Joe imagines himself as a Civil War soldier, the role he chooses for himself a is bugle player who decides to leave his past life of a dairy farmer and become a lighthouse keeper's assistant.
Joe sitting in the dark talking about romanticizing the past.
Joe: I'm sorry to dwell on old times. With the power out tonight, it's tempting to romanticize them. But I should know better, especially since I'm always making fun of British Palace guards and their big bearskin hats. It's ridiculous, unethical, and makes everyone in their country seem like fools.
Joe describes Sarah as his friend/co-worker/romantic partner.
Joe's monologue about lighthouses gets interrupted when he's tackled to the ground by the Melsky kids.
Joe Pera Takes You to the Grocery Store
Joe describes the grocery store as "not just a place to pick up roast beef and milk on your way home from court" and says it's like an immersive theater experience "like a haunted house or seeing Santa at the mall."
Joe picks up a bunch of bananas and says "Yes. Yes. Yes."
Joe: I'm not doing my impression of Jim Carrey in the 2008 film Yes-Man. In my mind, I just asked myself three simple questions about this product: Should I eat this? Will I eat this? Can I afford this food? If I say yes to all three, I'll get it. In a modern supermarket where I can have anything, I must draw the line myself. Like the casino, it promises good times, but without restraint, I will get ruined.
Joe budgets himself at $70 per grocery store visit, and writes himself a check each time.
Joe: With this check, I aim to get the calories necessary to be an effective grandson, boyfriend, and United States citizen.
Joe starts listing the things he buys regularly at the story, but then apologizes for giving Too Much Information. Then he gives a web address, which actually leads to his grocery list.
Joe: Coffee. Butter. Oatmeal. Oh, I'm sorry, this is TMI. If you want to see my list, just go to JoePeraGroceryStoreFoodList1945.com. Leave a comment of something you think I'd enjoy.
Joe catches Sue Melsky picking up a pair of rotisserie chickens.
As Joe and Sue catch up, Joe asks where Josh and Kelsey are (Nicole is helping her mom shop). Kelsey is with her dad and Josh is waiting in the car, because as Sue tells us "He likes to listen to the music". Cue a shot of Josh in the driver's seat, hands on the steering wheel, full on jamming out to some old make out music.
Joe: It is kind of messed up, though, how a fully cooked chicken is $5.99, but a raw one is $9.85. I try not to think about why.
"I love new ham."
After Joe's encounter with Fred, the free sample guy who loves his job a bit too much, he reveals that Fred spent 14 years in prison.
"I heard there was a drink developed that provide all the nutrition you need. It's called cold beer. Just kidding."
At the register, Joe finds out that he's got money left over from his $70 budget, so he runs back to the ice cream isle and brings back a bucket of vanilla ice cream, leaving him at exactly $70.
Joe: How nice. I'll be able to have a few scoops tonight, which is sweet, because today is my birthday. I don't like to make a big deal of it. Anyhow, what a great show. (Claps) Bravo.
Joe Pera Goes to Dave Wojcek's Bachelor Party with You
Joe arrives home after the bachelor party and greets Josh and Nicole Melsky, who he asked to watch Gus while he was away. They're sitting on the couch watching a movie which consists of almost nothing but gunfire and screaming.
Joe: Hey guys. Thanks for watching Gus while I was away. How did it go?
Nicole: Josh ate the dog food.
Josh: Shut up!
Nicole: He thought it was cereal.
Josh:Shut up! Can we stay and watch the rest of the movie?
Joe: Sure. Sarah's coming over soon and I was just about to get dinner started, which you're welcome to stay for. We're having dog food.
(Josh looks annoyed at Joe)
Joe: Just kidding. We're having salmon, mashed potatoes, asparagus, and water.
Joe on the drinking game at the bachelor party.
Joe: One of the rules this weekend was that every time Dave said his fiancé Maria's name, he had to do a shot. It's like they were training him to associate her with nausea and vomiting.
Joe goes on a hike in the middle of the bachelor party, and nobody else wants to go with him.
Joe: I had such a lovely hike. I kinda thought it was a shame everyone else preferred to just drink beer and eat sausage. Nothing against beer or sausage. I like and have opinions on both of them. If you ask me sometime, maybe I'll say. Why didn't I say them then?
Carlos, a douchebag guest who calls Joe "Joel", sets Mike off after eating all the buns and throwing one at him.
Joe: Is anyone gonna eat that sausage?
Dave: It's all you bro. And sorry there's no buns cause Carlos frikkin' ate them all.
Carlos: No I didn't! I only had, like, three, times 852!
Mike: Did you seriously eat all the buns?
Carlos: Yeah dude, I'm carb loading so I can beat your ass, pa-kow!
(Carlos throws a bun at Mike, who then throws Carlos out of his chair and wrestles him down to the ground in a chokehold)
Carlos: Woah, get off, man! I got a bad back! Man, I fell off the world's tallest barstool in Sheboygan!
Lulu: Do you know what I'd give to go back to that winter Gene and I met?
Joe: Fifty dollars?
Lulu: I'd give a hundred dollars if I could see him, in December, at that bar, forty years ago, age 26, full head of hair.
After being to nervous to come to the anniversary party, Sarah arrives.
Joe: You made it. And you didn't even bring your gun.
Joe Pera Watches Internet Videos With You
The episode opens with a video of a woodworker carving a violin, after he's nearly finished, Joe says "I wonder what he's making?"
Joe repeatedly calls Sarah his country girl with a southern accent and embarrassing her.
At the end of the episode when they go out in the morning to find that the two sides of the bean arch are finally touching, Joe starts to get down on one knee, and Sarah thinks he's proposing, shouts that it's too soon, only for Joe to try and grab her by the knees, lift her up and tell her to reach up and pick a bean.
Joe Pera Has a Surprise For You
Joe tries to get his friends to reenact the movie Rat Race for a grand prize of $115.
Lulu: Come on, Gene, you're taking me over to Carole's.
Gene: Just a sec, hon. Joe, is there gonna be a Smash Mouth concert at the end?
Joe: I wouldn't even know where to begin to make that happen, Gene.
Lulu: Gene! I can't believe I'm missing scrabble for this.
Joe: Sorry, Joe. I'd love to do a rat race, but I'd also love to stay married.
After most of the participants duck out, Joe offers to just let them hang out in his backyard.
While also very sad, the opening of the episode still remains humorous.
Joe: It's just hard to put down on paper what made her special. Like, the sense of warmth she gave off, even when just talking on the phone to the cable company representative about how she couldn't get her remote to work. Which reminds me, I consider it one of my biggest failures that I could never teach her to use the DVD player. Believe me, I tried.
Nana's obituary had to be edited down for length, resulting in this.
Joe:"Marquette, Michigan. Francis "Nana" Pera passed August 5th, 2018, Marquette County Hospital, surrounded by close friends. A lifelong resident, she was an active member of the Catholic church. Married to Joseph Pera Senior on May 18th, 1950, she is survived by her grandson, Joe. She loved doughnuts."
In an effort to help Joe focus on writing the obituary Sarah suddenly decides to take over the duties of talking to the audience and guides the viewer outside. Except she has no idea of what to actually talk about so she goes off on an extended tangent about what types of plants are edible while walking around the garden until Joe comes and gets her.
Joe Pera Shows You How to Do Good Fashion
While inside a convenience store, Joe and Gene start putting on accessories.
Gene: Joe, look at me. (puts on a beige trilby) I'm fashion guy!
Joe: Gene, you look like a guy from LA
Gene: Yeah, look at me, I'm a guy from LA, I like Matcha tea, open relationships, and traffic at 1PM!
Joe:(laughs and puts on a pair of sunglasses) I'm a guy from LA, too. I'm psyched for all my friends who are killing it.
Gene:(laughs) I just ordered a bunch of small plates for the table. Everyone must share.
Joe:(puts on a black fedora) I'm going to wear my best athleisure wear to Friendsgiving.
Gene: My wife's boyfriends is my agent!
At the fashion show, Joe is accosted by a photographer named Albert who starts asking him fashion questions.
Albert: Hey, I like your threads!
Joe: Thanks.
Albert: How would you describe your style for my website?
Joe: I guess, uh, priest who snuck out of the seminary on a Saturday night trying to blend in at the local bar and grill.
Albert: Signature piece?
Joe: Wearing socks to bed.
Albert: Even in Summer?
Joe: Yes. When my nana would put me in PJ's as a kid, they were always included. I didn't even realize it was strange until my girlfriend teased me.
Albert: Oh, and how would you describe her style?
Joe: Mennonite. Actually, Mennonite sheep.
Joe Pera Shows You How to Pack a Lunch
Sarah insists Joe tell you a story that he seems reluctant to tell, and it turns out to be about Joe getting sprayed by a skunk, and takes a bath in a tub of tomato sauce. Sarah sees Joe in there and the two start kissing.
Sarah: Hey hey hey, the story ends with the spraying of the skunk!
Joe: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to go that far, but...we kissed in the tomato sauce.
Sarah: You're sick.
Joe:(whispering) We kissed in the tomato sauce.
Sarah on going back to school.
Sarah: You ready to go back to the rat race?
Joe: Please don't mention that movie anymore.
Sarah: I'm sorry, I forgot. You ready to go back to school?
In the previous episode, Joe writes Sarah a note and puts it in her lunch bag. At the end of this one, she finds it and it's revealed to say "Good luck today!" and it's signed "Shaquille O'Neal".
, Marquette county prosecutor and author of Anatomy of a Murder.