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Funny / Gabriel Iglesias

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  • For the few, the proud, the overweight the big-boned, we have the Five Six Levels Of Fatness. They include:
    1. Big
    2. Healthy
    3. Husky
    4. Fluffy
    5. DAYUM!
    6. OH HELL NO!
    • The difference between 5 and 6? You'd begrudgingly let a 5 onto an elevator with you. With a 6, you'd be slamming the "Close Door" button even if you were the only one in there.
    • When the original "OH HELL NO!" asks why Gabriel's gift shop didn't have a shirt in his size:
    Gabriel: Dude, I didn't know they made you!
  • Gabriel takes his son to the arcade, and what does he want to play? Dance Dance Revolution. Hilarity Ensues.
  • When he shows up at his friend Martín's house in his new car...a Beetle.note  And the Latino gang members across the street start screwing with him:
    Gabriel: (honks horn) "Marteeeeeeeeeeen!"note 
    Thug: "Órale!"
    Gabriel: "Hey what's up, how's it goin'?"
    Thug: "How did you get in there, ese?"
    Gabriel: "...HURRY UP, MARTÍN!"
    • He later gets it customized and returns to pick up Martín again.
      Gabriel: "Marteeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!"
      Thug: "Órale!"
      Gabriel: "(refuses to acknowledge the thug) ...Oh no, I'm not gonna look"
      Thug: "Ey!"
      Gabriel: "(continues to refuse acknowledging the thug) Uh-uh."
      Thug: "Ey!"
      Gabriel: "(still refuses to acknowledge the thug) I don't see you."
      Thug: "YOOOO-HOOOOO!!!"
      Thug: "EY!!"
      Thug: "Check it out, ey! It's The Fat and The Furious!"
  • "Martín! Look, my iPhone lied for me! Blackberry can't do that!"
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    • For context: Gabriel went to a bar after a show and got completely shitfaced. His girlfriend texted him, wanting to know where he is and how he's doing. Martín tells Gabriel not to answer truthfully, but Gabriel drunkenly responds that she'll understand. Gabriel texts her back, and she soon responds, not angry at all. However, this wasn't because she was OK with Gabriel getting drunk at a bar. Rather, the auto-spell function on Gabriel's phone "corrected" the name of the bar he went to - "Cine-bar", making it sound as though he was out eating Cinnabons instead.
  • Gabriel gets stopped by a police officer after getting Krispy Kreme donuts and being so excited to get home and eat them that he was speeding:
    Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
    Gabriel: (holds up the donuts) Because you could smell it!
  • Gabriel relates the story of Dave, his tour bus driver, screwing with the Border Patrol:
    Officer: "Now, our dog says there is some kind of illicit substance on board..."
    Dave: "Is that what the dog said? How about that? God-damn Scooby-Doo!"
  • Explaining why he can't wear solid colors in LA without panicking people.
    *solid blue* "It's a Crip!"
    *solid red* "It's a Blood!"
    *solid yellow* "It's a Pokémon!"
  • Gabriel received about a dozen chocolate cakes after a show, and took them home. He and his significant other have quite a conversation about the cakes ("What is this?" "It's a bakery!"), until Frankie comes downstairs and sees the cakes. Gabriel gives him a small one:
    The look on his face at three o'clock in the morning... it was like he got a gift from God!
  • The entire "Sunday Kid" skit during "Aloha Fluffy." Gabe relates how, in an effort to get revenge for Franky (the step-son) disrespecting him at home, he turns his alarm clock forward by 2 1/2 hours, frantically wakes him up, and runs him through his entire school routine at light-speed. All throughout, Gabe mentions that its dark, the sun is barely out, and there are no kids around when he drops Frankie off. The best part? It was a Sunday.
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    • It gets better: his girlfriend calls and forces him to pick him up. Then there was the aftermath at school where Frankie is dubbed "Sunday Kid" because a janitor saw the whole thing. Gabe goes on to say that humiliation is by far one of the most effective and more importantly legal ways to hammer a point into your kid.
      • His reaction when his girlfriend called.
      Gabriel: SHIIT! LITTLE TRAITOR! (tries to play it cool as he answers the phone) Helloooo?
      Gabriel’s Girlfriend: Pick. Him. Up.
      Gabriel: I can barely hear you—!
      Gabriel’s Girlfriend: PICK HIM UP!!!
    • And The Stinger comes in his next special. The point that Gabriel was trying to hammer into Frankie: to put on deodorant. After the special aired, Gabriel finds out just how much the kids at Frankie's school have hammered in the point.
      *Frankie comes home from school, and dumps out 17 bottles of deodorant that were given to him*
      Frankie: SEE WHAT YOU DID!
      Gabriel: Wow, look at all the money we just saved!
  • Talking about a recent show in Saudia Arabia, Gabriel learns from his Saudi driver that, thanks to Youtube, he is the second most-popular comedian in the Middle East. The first most-popular? JEFF DUNHAM.
    Gabriel: You mean you don't find him offensive?
    Driver: (Gasps, offended) Nooooooooooooo! "I KEEL YOU!"
  • Spending time at the Saudi Arabian prince's palace, Gabriel sees that the prince has several falcons trained for hunting. The prince gives Gabriel a demonstration, even offering Gabriel a falcon as a gift. Gabriel refuses, as the thought of having one retrieving things (like donuts) for him would only increase his levels of laziness! Then the thought of loaning the bird to one of his friends, like Martín:
    [mimics the sound of music playing at a stripclub]
    Martín: The redhead!
    [falcon cry]
  • Before he goes off to perform shows in India, his fans warn him about the dangers: namely, waterborne parasites, the street food, and a rampant crime rate that gets worse at night. After running it over in his head, Gabriel gets to thinking:
    Why does that sound familiar? ... That's Mexico!
  • Gabriel describes traffic in India, which does not stop for anything but cows. He describes a situation where a man is shot dead, and the drivers proceed to shake their heads, mourn for a second, then pull him over to the sidewalk. Should a car accident happen in the middle of the street, blocking the road:
    Gabriel: [mimes the sound of a car driving over the body like a speedbump]
    • He goes on to explain that no one harrasses or drives around the cows, as Indians believe they are souls reincarnated. When one lays down and stops all traffic, Gabriel points this out:
      Gabriel: We drove past a dead body fifteen minutes ago!
      Driver: That is probably him.
  • In "One Show Fits All", he mentions how he rarely gets to attend comedy shows alone because his posse is concerned about his safety.
    Gabe: (as one of the posse) What if someone tries to kidnap you? (audience laughs) (as himself) Well, they're going to earn it!
  • In "I'm Not Fat, I'm Fluffy", he had a brief bit on Barack Obama:
    Gabe: Some people didn't want Barack in office only because he was black. And I'm like, how retarded- come on, you guys. You know, he's Barack. He's not Snoop Dogg. You know, it's not like he's going to come out, "Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States." [beatboxes "Hail To The Chief"] (record scratches) Here we go again!"
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