Funny / Assassin's Creed III

• One pre-order commercial has Connor surrounded by redcoats. He remarks "hold on", bolts from the fight, then we are treated of a montage of him traveling across the country to a Mayan temple where he finds the pre-order bonus sword, then runs all the way back to the fight.
• When Haytham is clambering about the opera house, you can see into the various boxes. Sitting in one of them is a gentleman with his face currently in his female companion's bosom.
• After Haytham assassinate his target and on his way out the opera house, a patron suspected for the assassination is tackled by a man out of nowhere from Haytham's view.
• When Haytham is confronted with the locked door of Church's house and is about to give up, Lee kicks down the door.
  Haytham (taken aback): Charles?!
  Lee (completely nonchalant): Sir?
  Haytham: (Begins to say something, then shrugs and follows him in.)
• When Haytham manages to stop Ziio in the forest, he tries speaking to her thinking she barely understands English. Turns out she's fluent.
  Haytham: Me Haytham. I... come... in... peace.
  Ziio: Why... are... you... speaking... so... slow?
• A few drunk soldiers try to challenge Haytham to a fight while he and Ziio are seeking information.
  Soldier: Oi! Where you goin', cully?
  Haytham: Who? Me?
  Soldier: No, the other cock robin!
  Haytham: Well...I, uh, I was leaving.
  Soldier: Oh? And now?
  Haytham: (steps away from the door) Well now... I'm going to feed you your teeth.
  Ziio: And you thought I was going to be the problem?
  Cue soldier getting thrown straight through a table.
  • While Haytham is embroiled in the ensuing fistfight, Ziio is cheering him on behind the bartender's counter!
• The entire conversation between Haytham and Ben Franklin regarding the virtues of having an older woman as a lover. Ben is not joking about preparing a "treatise" on the subject, and recites a seven-point list. Haytham even laughingly calls Ben a "mad bastard!"
  • Even funnier because there's even a little bit of foreshadowing there. Haytham is so convinced by Ben's argument that he decides to do some "experimenting" on his own. Not long after, he forms a relationship with Ziio who looks older than he is.
  • The funniest part that this article is 100% real.
• After Haytham threatens the ship captain that he'll cut his head off if the captain insulted him again, he finishes the captain's mug of rum and leaves. The captain immediately (and quickly) fills a new one back up, glaring at Haytham the whole time.
• Connor's first Leap of Faith. Quite an introduction to our new Assassin.
  • Especially the bit where he just staggers completely undignified out of the leaf pile.
• A minor Culture Clash between Achilles and Connor, when Connor takes a hatchet and buries it in one of the pillars of the homestead. After a brief What the Hell, Hero?, Connor explains that Mohawk who go to war bury a hatchet in wood to signify it's start, and take it out at its end. Achilles' response?
  Achilles: You could have used a tree!
• Lance the Carpenter acquires the plans to Leonardo Da Vinci's flying machine and builds one, assuring Connor that it'll work. It fails miserably.
• When Desmond is in a bathroom in Brazil, he has a conversation with Rebecca and Shaun about piss troughs.
• The Establishing Character Moment for the lumberjacks: a comedic Serious Business argument over the Iroquois being a "confederation" or a "tribe."
  Godfrey: Listen you totty-headed twiddle poop - there's a difference between a tribe and a confederation and it's not my fault your skull's too thick to make sense of it.
  Terry: Who you calling a twiddle poop, you crumb-backed scab!
• When Connor first enters Achilles' manor, having almost single-handedly taken out a group of guards (he's just 14 at this point, mind you) he sits on a chair... only to have it fall to pieces beneath him.
• The entirety of Sequence 9 is an extended team-up between Connor and Haytham. Hilarity ensues due to their Teeth-Clenched Teamwork.
  • Haytham and Connor are attempting to find a way out of a burning building and Haytham asks Connor to find something to pry open the door...only to find his son standing behind him ready to charge at the door.
    Haytham: Oh. No. Don't do that! There's no way of knowing what's on the other siiiii-
    <a second later, we see the two falling through the air>
    Haytham: -iiiiiiiide!! <splash>
    Connor: *as they float in the harbor* We do now.
  • While eavesdropping on some British officers. Haytham starts to complain that they're getting nowhere, leading to this little gem.
    Connor: Then what do you propose we do? March in there and demand answers?
    Haytham: Well... Beat Yes.
    <Connor shakes his head, and when he turns to look at his father, he realizes he's already jumped down.>
  • Haytham's reaction to a captured officer freeing himself and escaping is to sigh and say "....really?" What follows is him arguing with Connor as to who should chase after him.
    • Said conversation is a beautiful moment on its own. Haytham tells Connor to chase the soldier, and naturally he angrily demands why he should be the one to chase him. Haytham's response is to look at Connor like he's grown an extra head and say, as though it's the most obvious thing in the world...
      Haytham: ...Because I said so!
    • This somewhat serves as a Heartwarming Moment as well because, seriously, this is how father and son usually act around each other.
• Connor explaining to the Comte de Grasse that he needs his ships to fly into the New York harbor flying British flags.
  de Grasse: Wait, wait. I thought you might need some pirates killed, or goods transported. And instead, you ask us to....what, shell New York?
  Connor: No. Of course not.
  de Grasse: Ah....
  Connor: Only part of it.
  de Grasse: ...explain yourself.
• In a memetic sense, thanks to the new feature adding huntable animals, Connor can now join the likes of John Marston in getting Cougar'd! No, actually, Connor doesn't just get cougar'd, he can also encounter bears, wolves, and bobcats in addition to cougars... yeesh.
  • If you played Red Dead Redemption the entire hunting mechanic can turn into a meta joke. Like finding yourself making John's comments while skinning animals.
• Really, most of the Animus database entries, all written by Shaun. It's absolutely hilarious when you combine his snarkniness, funny assumptions about Desmond, Cultural Posturing, and classic pet-peeves over the course of his series. Several of the more stellar examples include John Fraser, the French and Indian War, and his own entry.
  • Marquis de Lafayette's entry:
    In 2002, [Marquis de] Lafayette was declared an honourary citizen of the United States, one of seven people to ever receive the tribute. Arrogantly, Lafayette didn't even bother turning up to the ceremony.
    (blank space)
    That's the French for you.
  • Robert Newman's entry:
    And becuase it's a pet peeve of mine - you may have Heard that Newman put up the lanterns to warn Revere about the British approach - it's one of those historical details everyone seems to get wrong. Revere already knew about the raid, and in fact had been the one to pass the knowledge on to Newman. The lanterns were meant as a warning to lookouts in Charlestown - a backup in case Revere was caught before he managed to leave town. Please learn this so you can impress girls on fist dates, as I do, though they often seem so overwhelmed by it they rarely call again. That's the power of knowledge, and it's dangerous.
  • A lot of Shaun's entries can elict a chuckle or two. For instance, during the Tea Act entry, he describes how it led to the Boston Tea Party. In his own words, it was the worst tea party of all time.
    It wasn't even catered. You people are savages.
  • The entries of Altaïr and Ezio both end with him snarking away at something or other. For example Altaïr's...
    (after talking about Eagle Vision) Of course you'll know more about that than me (I can't believe I just typed that) because it's in your blood, and that's part of why you're here.
    (Blank)
    Well, let's be honest. You knew you weren't here because of my enduring affection, or my warm an passionate cuddles.
  • He ended Ezio's with...
    He was terrific at jumping, too.
  • He's made an entry about himself. He starts off rather casually but then starts self appreciating himself, falls from third person into first and then...
    Oh, good. You're actually reading these. I was beginning to wonder if I was wasting my time. Because you know how much I love wasting my time.
    (Blank)
    Now - make me some tea, would you?
  • His entry on the French and Indian War really demonstrates that his hobby is glorious jingoism from the very first line.
    This is one of many wars in the longstanding British vs. French rivalry. Well, YOU might call it a rivalry. I'd call it a battle of wits with an unarmed country.
    ...
    Eventually, the French were driven out of almost all of their territory north of the Caribbean, something we in Britain celebrate with a special holiday, called "Every day, all year".
  • He even puts puns and jokes into some articles, such as the one about William Dawes Jr.
    Dawes was a tanner by trade. These days he would make a fortune in New Jersey, the amount of tanning that goes on there.
• Early in the game, you receive an email from Shaun complaining how the Animus is turning the contemporary English spoken in the pre-revolutionary America into modern American English. He then goes on a tirade about how British English is more "proper," and his subject text includes lots of frown emoticons.
• The first encounter with Cross:
  Cross: Look, the boss man said I'm not supposed to kill you, but he didn't say anything about fuckin' you up. So you have 'till the count of-
  Desmond: (Disarms and smacks with the power source)
  Cross: Uuugh... (falls unconscious)
  • Desmond pops a little smirk before continuing on his business.
• The plot of a Homestead mission is to find out a good way for Norris, the resident miner, to get the attention of Myriam, a huntress. He asks Connor for ideas, but he has no clue either, so Connor seeks the advice of a married woman in the homestead, asking her rather bluntly:
  Connor: Norris is trying to court a woman. What do...you women like? ...In terms of gifts?
  • And both men are convinced that all women like flowers because of this one woman's answer. What did the woman Norris is trying to court like? A dagger.
  • Connor's reaction when Norris first tells him is priceless:
    Norris: I...like Myriam.
    Connor: We all do. She is a good friend.
    Norris: I...mean more than that.
    Connor: Oh...OH!
  • Amusingly, to find out what Myriam actually wants is treated like a regular stealth mission. You have to snoop around her cabin investigating "clues" to scope her interests, and you desync if she sees you. The music during this part is also insanely tense, the kind you'd expect for a boss battle.
  • And when it finally happens:
    (Norris runs at Connor from behind and grabs his shoulder)
    (Connor reflexively flips Norris onto the ground)
    Norris: My friend!
    Connor: Norris! What are you doing?!
    Norris: She said yes!!
    Connor: Myriam?
    Norris: We are getting married!"''
    (Connor helps him up)
    Myriam: I told you not to touch him, Norris!
• Shaun gets an email from Juno, in all caps, telling him not to interfere in her conversation with Desmond. Shaun forwards it to Desmond with this response:
  Lol. Someone doesn't like me.
• The introduction of the Rope Dart. Achilles is explaining how it was one of many things invented by Shao Jun, while Connor plays with it and ends up getting the blade stuck in a wall.
• Erudito's Dev Diary Hacks. When he's not trying to creep you out with Abstergo Paranoia Fuel and the Photoshop Filter of Evil, he's snarking at the "Engineering Team" and drawing funny pictures over them.
  Erudito: (Stacy French's three sizes are written off to the side) Attractive females test well with the target demographic. Who are primarily male.
  Stacy French: (Bunny ears and bowtie drawn over her) "I jiggle my joystick with the best of them."
  Erudito: See what I mean?
• The first time Connor tries to convince Achilles to train him to be an Assassin, Achilles flat-out refuses. The next day, Connor tries again. Achilles has this in response.
  Achilles: I apologize if I've been unclear or otherwise confused you with my words. It was never my intention to mislead, so let me try to clarify: get the hell off my land!
• Basically any of the moments during Connor and Haytham working together where Haytham, seemingly without realizing it, slips into the role of a stern father when dealing with Connor even though they're both on opposite sides of the war between Assassin and Templar, and Haytham was only recently made aware that he even HAD a son is pretty hysterical when you realize Haytham is basically using his "dad voice" when dealing with Connor.
• Every time Connor says "I'm looking for Sam Adams" in a serious voice. Especially if you have one in your hand.
• When Connor fights with Haytham and is losing, he retaliates by punching Haytham square in the family jewels.
• One Homestead mission has you going to a post office in New York to pick up some plans. You have to get the papers from Lance's former apprentice. Then when you get back, it's finally revealed what the plans are for: a chair that folds!
• When you go on Paul Revere's Ride and find Samuel Prescott, you find him in his undies. Paul, who has been shouting at everyone else as loud as he can that the British are coming quietly suggests that he:
  Paul: Best go rouse your militia...and...eh...put on some pants.
• The Leaning on the Fourth Wall description for the final Quebec contract mission.
  Our investigations have shown that the port of Montreal has seized by Templar agents, like the rest. Go to Montreal and bring down the designers of this ubiquitous game the Templars are playing. ^note For the uninformed, Ubisoft Montreal is the studio that created the game.
• When Desmond goes to rescue William from Vidic at Abstergo HQ, he gets into an elevator and Vidic's voice comes over the speakers. The deadpan way in which he delivers it is rather amusing.
  Vidic: Well, I see you've learned absolutely nothing since you left us. Walking into an elevator in the middle of a hostile environment...really?
• When Connor first tells Achilles his name.
  Connor: My name is Ratohnhaké;ton
  Achilles: Right... well, I am not even going to try to pronounce that.
• Connor's acceptance speech for the Spike Video Game Awards Character of the Year, in which he gets interrupted by guards, and proceeds to beat the shit out of them with the statue.
• When Connor and Haytham fight off a bunch of mooks, they have this short conversation while Connor is busy fighting off the thugs (alone):
  Haytham: Once you've dealt with these louts, meet me in New York.
  Connor: What? You mean to just leave? Now?
  Haytham: If you can't handle a couple of mercenaries then we've really no business working together.
  Connor: Unbelievable.
• Earlier in the same mission with Haytham, Connor approaches a man (in cahoots with their target) directly to ask about the target's whereabouts and scares him off. In snarktacular fashion Haytham makes fun of Connor.
  Haytham: Well Played.
• The beginning of Connor and Haytham's short lived alliance starts off rather funny s well.
  Connor: And what do you propose?
  Haytham: A truce. Perhaps some time together would do us good... Or I can kill you now if you'd prefer.
• Connor's early exchanges with Robert Faulkner. Whenever Faulkner gets too close to him you can see Connor cover his nose. Also, he calls the Aquila a boat after Faulkner clearly labeled it as a ship, and he's smirking the whole time.
• Connor and Achilles have an argument after he returns from killing Pitcairn and just as Connor is gearing up to tell Achilles off:
  Connor: Is that so, old man? Or perhaps we should step outside? I will gladly demonstrate how easily I can—trounce— *walks in on Achilles and Benjamin Tallmadge sipping tea*
• Ratohnhaké:ton's facial reactions upon waking up in the world where George Washington has gone mad and proclaimed himself king, are as follows: Why is Mom alive? What's going on? What the hell am I wearing?!
• After Ben Franklin finds a disguise so he and Ratohnhaké:ton can escape Boston:
  Franklin: Bit of a tight fit. How do I look?
  Ratohnhaké:ton (while smiling): Ridiculous.
  Franklin: *offended* You don't have to be so honest.
• During the second Naval Mission, "The Rescue," Miss Mandy rebukes Robert Faulkner for being overprotective and then tells him she's glad he's back before slapping him on the ass and walking off. What sells it is the completely nonplussed look he shares with Connor before composing himself.
• Connor rage quitting from a game of checkers. Watch it here.
  • Even better is that there's even a "Press X to Rage Quit" Action Command!
• When Connor goes to procure an alternate outfit during the hunt for Benajmin Church:
  Haytham: I will wait here, then.
  Connor: Of course you will.
  Haytham: Oh! I'm sorry. Would you like me to come along and hold your hand, perhaps? Provide kind words of encouragement?
  • Connor responds with a Talk to the Hand gesture.
• During a mission in The Tyranny of King Washington, Faulkner recruits several sailors for Connor, who wants to be sure that they're competent fighters and ask Faulkner if they can fight. He answers "They're sailors! They do nothing but fight!," in a loud, "What? You didn't know?" kind of surprised tone.
• The Paul Revere Ride. Dear God, the Paul Revere Ride. It starts with Connor basically forced into it by the clueless Sons of Liberty, who then force upon him the most clueless of them all, Paul Revere. Connor has to paddle their boat by himself and then, as he is pulling the boat (BY HIMSELF) to shore, Paul comments he only has one horse and he'll basically have to ride bitch with Connor. Connor gets a look on his face where it is clear he wants to do nothing more than gut Revere right there. What follows is a confused Revere shouting directions (right in Connor's ear, most likely) while they are trying to be stealthy and generally being as unhelpful as possible. Throughout all this you get the sense Connor is mentally saying "Do not kill the fat man... do not kill the fat man... do not kill the fat man..."
  • Even better considering that Revere and Connor split with Revere promising to stay safe. When Connor finds the others and asks where Revere is, they casually mention that Revere got captured.
    Connor: He got WHAT?
  • During the opening cutscene of said mission, Revere keeps patting Connor on the arm, the first time, Connor simply glares at the unwanted gesture, the second time he slaps Revere's hand away, it's clear from the outset Connor really doesn't like Revere.
• One of the Homestead missions requires you to herd pigs into a pen. Pretty uneventful (aside from a wolf attack), but it's still quite a humorous mission as you hear Connor get frustrated when the pigs don't go where he directs them. "Not there..." "Ugh... the things I do for this place!"
  • Depending on when the event is triggered said wolf can attack you when you complete the task and are talking with Prudence. Watching Connor get mauled while talking while clearly a glitch, makes something that would be annoying during a major mission freaking hilarious.
• According to the emails, the Assassins thought Juno was initially just talking to them via recording, a la Minerva, up until William said something about her that made her unleash a Death Glare. Given how much of an ass William is at that point, it's both unexpected and hilarious.
• When playing on the remaster there's a certain humorous irony to be found during the discussion with Achilles about his old robes and how, as they were passed down from a past assassin, they represent the age and heritage of the Brotherhood. To elaborate, the remaster includes outfits belonging to all the subsequent male protagonists from Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag to Assassin's Creed: Odyssey which are put on display in the Assassin hideout under the mansion and are visible in the background during this scene. Of particular note are the robes belonging to Bayek of Siwa^note One of the Brotherhood's original founders, which are seen fairly prominently in the background (assuming Connor himself isn't already wearing them).
  • Also, some of the costumes from the later games clearly weren't altered to suit Connors large build, such as Arno's set, which when you put on, gives you Arno's slight build, but with Connors head, which looks massive in comparison.