Funny / Assassin's Creed: Revelations

• A TV ad for the pre-order version of Assassin's Creed: Revelations is normal. But a TV ad for the pre-order version of Assassin's Creed: Revelations sung by Tobuscus? Hilarious!
• From the gameplay demo (and the game proper), after finding out the Templars have raised the Great Chain, preventing Ezio from leaving Constantinople by boat. This is a chain intended to stop invading navies. Le Parkour expert Ezio's reaction?:
  They raised the chain for me?
• Ezio remembering his philandering days:
  Ezio: When I was your age my interests were... (distracted by a beautiful woman ^note Sofia) were mainly... Salve. (Hello.)
  Suleiman I: Incredible. I am surprised you got anything done.
  Ezio: As was my mother.
• Also, Ezio's attempt at wooing the aforementioned beautiful woman:
  Sofia: Who are you, messere?
  Ezio: Only the most interesting man in your life.
  Sofia: Che presuntuoso. ("Presumptuous", although the subtitles translate it as ‘go bury your head,’ which is even better.)
  • Made even better by Ezio now having a very Most Interesting Man in the World-ish beard.
• Gameplaywise, since Ezio does not gain notoriety when walking with Yusuf in Constantinople in the beginning, players can choose to steal everyone they can reach without consequence.
• This gem from Yusuf while explaining bomb-crafting to Ezio:
  Yusuf: And don't be afraid to experiment. What's the worst that could happen?
  • Also while during bomb crafting with Yusuf:
    Yusuf: Ah ah ah! Don’t touch that! One wrong move and BANG! The building comes down.
    Ezio: Are you serious?
    Yusuf: [Guffaws] The look on your face! Here, I’ll show you.
  • The scene where we first meet Yusuf is pretty silly.
    Yusuf: Ezio Auditore de... la la la.
    Ezio: Prego? (Excuse me?)
    Yusuf: Forgive me. I'm not familiar with that Italian gibberish.
    • Also possibly a reference to Yahtzee's review of Assassin's Creed II.
• Ezio as a minstrel, outfit, singing and all:
  Young Cesare, I heard him say / he could not be killed by man. / So I tossed him through the air / to see where he might land.
  Cesare, Oh, Cesare / A man of great depravity / He thought himself immortal / 'til he had a date with gravity.
  There was once a man named Duccio / A rat with lecher's taste / Whenever he would show himself / My fist would find his face.
  Fair Lucrezia could not sate / her appetite for lovers / But I suspect she would be fine / with two or three more brothers.
  Oh, the beauties of Firenze / can melt a heart you see / Beware the girls of Roma / lest fire you wish to pee.
  I am a tactless minstrel / I sing off-key for coins / If you see me in the street / please kick me in the loins.
  The things I do to save the world / surprise me time to time / Like learning how to play the lute / and making these words rhyme.
  I can't believe I stand here / And sing, my time I waste / But you who sit and smile at me / Sincerely have no taste.
  Before Rodrigo was the pope / He was a man of vices / And once he gained the Holy See / He raised his vices' prices.
  Vieri, o Vieri / Yes he of Pazzi fame / Was just as mad as his old man / And ended just the same.
  Proud Romagna's iron lady / A rose of tempered steel / Could raise the ardor of a corpse / And teach a stone to feel.
  I sing in Italiano / You understand no word / But my Greek is nonexistent / And my Turkish is absurd.
  • Not to mention how Ezio seems rather delighted at the opportunity to beat up the minstrels for the outfit. The players agree.
    "Minstrels from Italia? I am going to enjoy this."
• After Ezio saves Suleiman at the party:
  Suleiman: It is a relief to see you again, il mio bel menestrello (my handsome minstrel). Did I say that right?
  Ezio: Well enough.
  • The kick is (as Suleiman's uncle berates the guard captain) that some foreign minstrel saves Suleiman from assassination while the royal guards can't.
• Duccio, of all people, appear in this game for a short while. Found attempting to woo Sofia Sartor (who isn't pleased) until Ezio pops up from behind:
  Duccio: [he recognizes Ezio] Ah! Il diavolo in persona! (The devil himself!) Stay back!
  Ezio: Duccio. A pleasure.
  • You can also still find him in the city afterward and beat him up. It gives an achievement.
  • Also worth mentioning is that Duccio is positively terrified - no bravado or attempts to insult Claudia - and even warns an amused Sofia to run, too.
  • Also before Ezio arrives to chase him off, Sofia's complete disdain for Duccio's attempts at seduction:
    Duccio: Do you not feel the magnetism?
    Sofia: I feel many things, messere. Nausea above all.
  • Ezio's rather succinct summary of how his feud with Duccio started to a confused Sofia.
    Sofia: [with a WTF expression] Who was that?
    Ezio: Un cane (A dog). He was engaged to my sister many years ago.
    Sofia: What happened?
    Ezio: His cazzo (cock) was engaged to six others.
• The fact Desmond created a drink called the "Shirley Templar" when he was a bartender.
  • There's a creepy part, though: the drink is a Shirley Temple with a squirt of gin. A kid's fantasy for adults, like he thought the Templars were... until they kidnapped him as easily as they would pick up some change from a sidewalk.
• During one of the Desmond sequences he discusses how he ended up in New York. Apparently he was following some advice he heard somewhere saying:
  Nameless Voice: Go to New York. That way, if you go there with nothing, and you leave with nothing, no one will ask why, and if you leave with something, you're one lucky son of a bitch.
• In one mission, Ezio helps the Romanies get back their coin chest. What makes it funny is that you take advantage of your poison darts and spread the rumor of a 'Romani curse'. As more and more people die from the poison darts, the guards start running away. Eventually, you pick the chest up and return it to the Romani camp. As you do so, all the guards run screaming from the 'cursed chest' while Ezio and the Romanies' leader idly chit-chat with their screams in the background.
• The mission where you track down and kill Manuel has Ezio cause chaos in the city to flush him out. Manuel emerges on a rooftop to address the people.
  Manuel: Citizens! Soldiers! Compose yourselves. Do not give in to fear! We are the true shepherds of Constantinopolis. We are the lords of this land. We are Byzantines. Kouráyo! (Have courage!) Stand fast! Do not let anyone break your—(*sees Ezio approaching*)—Ah, skatá. (Shit.)"
• Disarming opponents in the fourth Altaïr mission. Who knew seeing an 82 year old man kick someone in the balls was so utterly hilarious?
  • The reaction of the guy getting kicked is also funny. Immediately after being disarmed, the assassin backs off and salutes, and also shifts from red to blue in Eagle Sense. One imagines that Altaïr is giving them a Disappointed in You scowl while holding their weapon, and the full-grown professional soldier responding like an unruly child who has just been chastened.
• Unlocking the Desmond skin before beating the main storyline, then playing through the rest of the game with it. It even sticks around for cutscenes, with no redubbing of the voice!
  • Even better, it maintains Desmond's outfit perfectly and includes all the weapons... Except the Hookblade. Which becomes utterly hilarious when you see Desmond flying through the air without a connection to anything, stabbing through a Mook with his fingers, or throwing them with what looks like the Force. Desmond is a Jedi!
• From the herald: "To all visitors from Transylvania looking for the head of Voivode Dracula: Yes, we have it. Yes, he's dead. No, you cannot see it. No, he will not return and invade you again. It has been over thirty years, please stop pestering us."
• This gem from Clay's description of Digenes Akritas:
  Set amid the backdrop of a centuries' old conflict between Byzantines and Arabs, the "Digenes Akritas"(author unknown) tells the epic tale of Basil, a hero born of mixed parentage - one Byzantine, the other Syrian- and his incredible feats of strength and bravery. A warrior through and through, Basil kills bears and lions with his hands, slays dragons with little more than a look, and carries off the daughters of military commanders on a whim. In other words, a well rounded chap.
• While playing through the Master Assassin Mission, 'The Guardian, Part 1', Ezio and his companion have to walk through the market. While they talk about how difficult it is to maintain order in the district, they encounter Byzantine forces, and when you engage them, they still talk, even as they slaughter everyone.
• During the Den Defense missions, some Byzantine soldiers give up and start fleeing. One of the Enemy Chatter lines is:
  I quit! I'm going back to selling FISH!
• You can sometimes overhear conversations while you're blending with a group, some of which are ripe with humor. For example:
  Civilian: Don't you find my vest a little garish? As if some artist had decided to rely upon randomly-generated color combinations? It's very unprofessional!
• The guards have taken more than a few levels in sass this time around; if Ezio walks too close to them, they'll push him back with a snarky threat. For example:
  Guard: We broke the garrotting bench last night, and our rack is in for repairs, but if you insist, we can still provide you with quality impalement services.

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