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The Coolest Evil Dumbledore Ever is a Harry Potter Parody Fic gathering together all the stereotypes used in Evil!Dumbledore fanfics. It's written in Russian by d88 and Sky Lynx.

It's written in Russian.

This fanfic contains examples of:

  • Adaptational Heroism: Fudge, who supported Harry and ended up being the most successful Minister in history.
  • Adaptational Villainy: Dumbledore, most of the Order, including the Weasleys, and Neville.
  • As You Know: As befits a Parody Fic, lampshaded at every possible moment.
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    • Alastor Moody forgets some details from Dumbledore's plan, so that Dumbledore would explain them and the readers will know the plan too.
    • Then, Blaise Zabini asks Draco, Harry and Hermione about their plan of exposing Dumbledore. Draco says there's something really wrong with Blaise's memory.
  • Ask a Stupid Question...: When a wandseller in a wand shop asks Draco what he wants to buy, Draco says "Three tequilas, and sparkling water for the guy in glasses, he's driving."
  • Ascended Extra: Blaise Zabini. You might have never heard of him or thought he was a girl, but he's actually Draco's best friend.
  • Babies Ever After: Harry ends up marrying Snape and having thirty babies. It's not made clear how exactly they manage it.
  • Bald of Awesome: Harry's new style.
  • Big Bad: Dumbledore is everything an Evil!Dumbledore ought to be – he steals money from Harry and the Weasleys, he alone put Black in Azkaban, he made up the prophecy with Trelawney's help, and so on.
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  • Blue and Orange Morality: When Harry comes to murder Ollivander, the latter is absolutely mad at him… for not being able to pronounce Avada Kedavra properly and having to try it several times.
  • Captain Obvious: In his start-of-the-term speech Dumbledore repeats that the name of the Forbidden Forest means it's forbidden to go there. He says he's tired of dozens of idiots who don't get the hint.
    • Trelawney's real prophecy is kept in Dumbledore's study in a bottle labeled "The Real Prophecy".
  • The Chosen Wannabe: Neville of all people.
  • Cliché Storm: Done deliberately as the whole premise of the story.
  • Condescending Compassion. The authors. "Ron wasn't with them. He was still ill in the hospital wing after brainstorming. After all, brains are entirely foreign to his body."
  • Cut Himself Shaving: When Harry touches Slytherin's sword, his fingers fall off. He gets promptly healed by Madam Pomfrey – after telling her he had only been a bit too energetic when biting his nails.
  • Deadpan Snarker: Harry, especially when talking to his inner voices/other selves or to Chiefaccountant the goblin. Chiefaccountant himself. Draco too sometimes.
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  • Death by Adaptation: Most of the Order, Ollivander, Kreacher, Ron, Neville.
  • Easily Overheard Conversation: In the beginning Harry, Hermione, Draco and Blaise overhear Dumbledore, Alastor Moody and Arthur Weasley discussing their Evil Plan in Dumbledore's study.
    • Then there's the plotting of Dumbledore, Molly and Ron, overheard by the twins.
    • After overhearing that first one, with Moody and Arthur, the heroes realize it would be easy to eavesdrop on them if they discuss their plans right on the spot.
  • Everything Explodes Ending: Harry uses a bomb to finally get rid of the Order, the Death Eaters, and Kreacher all at once.
  • Evil Laugh: Dumbledore and his Evil Minions, namely Moody and Arthur Weasley. The "very-ungrandfatherly" laughter was the first thing that made Harry think something was wrong.
  • Genre Blindness:
    • Harry sometimes.
    Harry: Do I have a magical guardian?
    Chiefaccountant: Of course you do, in this genre. In other fanfics this term's rare.
    • Others, like Draco, also suffer from it.
    Harry: As for the Weasleys, their whole family's evil! Except for Fred and George: them I would trust.
    Draco: How can you be sure they're good guys?
    Harry: It's another stereotype.
  • Heel–Face Door-Slam: All of a sudden, Dudley wants to make friends with Harry… but Harry doesn't. He sends the Dursley family away to an African resort, and later they are murdered by Dumbledore's minions.
  • Idiot Ball: Dumbledore's Evil Gloating (overheard by Harry and Co.).
    Dumbledore: It's good Harry doesn't know we're just using him. It's good he doesn't know it was me who arranged for his parents' death. It's good he doesn't know Peter Pettigrew switched to Voldemort's side under Imperius. It's good he doesn't know it was me who put Black in Azkaban without a trial. It's good he doesn't know Sirius's death improved the situation for us. It's good he doesn't know I let him listen to a false prophecy. It's good he doesn't know we put Enmity Potion into his and Draco's food. It's good he doesn't know the Weasleys are only friendly with him for the money. It's good he doesn't know we plan to let him die. Finally, it's good he's not around here to hear me, or he would have found it all out.
  • Insane Troll Logic: Goblin logic, to be precise. Chiefaccountant goblins need Harry's blood to know how much money there is on his account.
  • Lemony Narrator: The authors take it Up to Eleven.
    Dumbledore was waiting for Harry in his office. Guess what he was doing? But of course he was having tea with lemon drops! Oh yes, in fanfics the headmaster’s a great fan of tea. In canon, now there he was always busy with serious stuff, but here he always has time for tea.
  • Magic Misfire: Draco makes Harry bald because the Enmity Potion is still working.
  • Nice Job Fixing It, Villain!: When the Weasleys ask to legally adopt Harry, their petition is dealt with by Dolores Umbridge, who, still thinking that Harry likes the family, makes it an Epic Fail.
    • Voldemort orders Nagini to bite off Ron's head, because he doesn't know Ron is now Harry's deadly enemy.
  • No Name Given: The Defense professor. We don't know either his/her looks, name, or even sex. The only thing known is that (s)he's a simple Auror.
  • Phlebotinum-Induced Stupidity: Among the many many drugs that Dumbledore slipped into Harry's food, there is an Idiocy Potion.
  • Punny Name: Harry's finances are managed by a goblin named Chiefaccountant.
  • Running Gag: In fanfics, Malfoy has to be called a ferret.
    • Instead of saying hello, Snape says "Ten points from Gryffindor", and Trelawney says (to Harry) "You'll die soon!"
  • Spared By Adaptation: Fred, Snape, and Voldemort.
  • Take That, Scrappy!: Harry thinks of sparing Pettigrew because the latter became a traitor under Imperius, but then kills him because nobody likes him anyway.
  • Token Romance: Draco and Hermione; Harry and Snape. We're informed of it in a very dry tone.
  • Unexpected Inheritance: Upon visiting Gringotts Harry and Hermione find out they're descendants of dozens of pureblood families, thought to have died out, and that they are rolling in money.
  • Unusual Pets for Unusual People: Harry decides having only an owl is not cool enough for him. He buys a cobra and later grows a basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets.
  • Useless Protagonist: Blaise Zabini is there because he just is. Later on he gets Out of Focus more and more.
    • Draco and Hermione too: after supplying Harry with lots of advice in the first chapters they become a couple and are therefore too preoccupied to do anything for the plot.
  • Violation of Common Sense: That's what the fic is all about.
    Harry: I used to be quite lazy. I didn't think I needed to do high magic. I was only going to fight the most dangerous wizard alive, so what? Expelliarmus is enough. But now it's different. I've got to master Occlumency, and Legilimency, and Apparition, and Animagic, and Nonverbals, and tons of Battle Charms, especially the Dark ones. Oh, and I'll finally read Hogwarts: A History.
  • White Sheep: Fred and George, the only good Weasleys.

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