You heard me. Hell. Perdition. Inferno. Jahannam. Naraka. Tartarus. The Bad Place. H-E-Double Hockey Stick. Am I getting my point across? Me and my infernal kin over on TV Tropes have been designing a place where every form of Lawful Evil, Neutral Evil, Chaotic Evil and general human crapiness that is sent to us can find a nice little shit-hole where they can spend the rest of eternity. We got fire, we got brimstone, we got a dossier of everything you knew and feared and as I speak, we are doing everything we can to make sure your afterlife will be as unpleasant as possible. And if you thought that Hell "ain't a bad place to be", give it a minute.
But eternity is a long time and we tend to run out of things to inflict upon you, so we're asking for your advice. Simply put your username and list of tortures you would not like your afterlife to be and we'll get right to it.
And remember: we don't torture you because we have to. We do it because we want to.
What is Hell to you?
- I'll be locked in a room with a wasp-nest where the wasps are the size of elephants. And they're parasitic wasps.
- I'm still allowed to orgasm, but it hurts. Once I realize this, I will be crowded by succubi and incubi who will force it out of me again and again till it literally falls off.
- God will visit me every so often. This God will be as the Old and New Testament portray him and will proceed to torture me himself for not living up to his impossible standards, all the while boasting about how much more pure and perfect he is compared to me.
- I'll be dropped on a planet populated with people who look and behave exactly like Donald Trump.
- All art is Minimalist.
- Christmas music will play on repeat non-stop for all of eternity.
- All video games are inherently unplayable, innovatively terrible versions of themselves. Over half of them are just unaltered copies of Bubsy 3D.
- The original Spyro the Dragon trilogy are altered so that Spyro looks like his design in The Legend of Spyro, he has the same personality as he does in Skylanders Academy, Sparx doesn't exist so all enemies can One-Hit Kill you and every time you die, the game-controller electric-shocks you. If you turn the game off, every character in the game crawls out of the the TV and tears you to pieces. The same thing doesn't happen if you play Spyro: Enter the Dragonfly. Playing that game as-is is torture enough.
- Every movie you could ever see is available to you, but they are all versions of them if they were directed by M. Night Shyamalan and the cast and crew are all characters from the Twilight movies. Not the cast of those movies, the characters.
- Everyone talks like motivational speakers.
- I'm forced to attend pep rallies one after the other non-stop for all of eternity.
- Alcohol is available, but you can't get drunk. You skip straight to the hangovers, and the headache is more of a bodyache.
- Weed is illegal. Demons force it down my throat and then penalize me for it, made worse by the fact that it is the kind of weed that enhances your anxiety instead of alleviating it.
- I'll be forced to take wood-shop class. The moment I go near a piece of machinery, it destroy itself, I get blamed for it and have to pay to replace it. How to I get money to pay for it? By working in the wood-shop. When we run out of machines, I'll be forced to work at the wood with my fingernails.
- All chairs were designed by Frank Lloyd Wright after he had his eye for design plucked out.
- All stories are poorly-written and grimdark.
- Video games contain tons of stupid flaws that would be easy to fix in a mod... but modding is either impossible or illegal.
- All songs are sung by kids who can't sing.
- Christmas music exists and is played all the time. Christmas does not exist.
- There would be forced nap times.
- Everyone would be pessimistic and snarky.
- The Cat Carol would be playing every day.
- There'd be nothing on TV but a certain cartoon about a cynic which I can't mention because Complaining About Shows You Don't Like is not allowed.
- All stories would be either porn, badly-written, or sad.