Episode 1: Show Within a Show:
- After talking to Mr. Administrator:
Zack: He seems nice.Tom: Shut up Zack.
- The very first scene of the series, which includes Zack's Hand Puppet.
Tom: Thank you, Zack, for ruining the 20th take.Zack: You're welcome, man.Tom: You're not sorry, are you?Zack: Nah.
- "If you get near the front of the camera, I will stab you! I will actually stab you!"
- "You keep your dead cat in a box too?"
Episode 2: Freudian Excuse
- "I'm having fun!"
- "Putting pants on would be admitting defeat."
- "Aww, how tragic. Watch as my hatred turns to pity."
- "He's a butt! I hate him!"
- Tom on explaining his supposed ''older'' brother's age...
Tom: I didn't say he was older...Zack: Hahaha! Tom's a loser!
Episode 3: Terrible Interviewees Montage
- Heartfelt music playing as Dana tells Tom that she'll be his co-star because he sucks at his job, comparing him to a turd steaming on the carpet, that she needs to clean up.
- Zack's reaction to Shannon bursting into the room and berating Tom and Dana.
Zack: Please don't eat me.
- Tom fending off one of the more enthusiastic interviewees as she said she was "Up for anything..."
Tom: Oh, oh, uh...nonono No!
- Eternal vigilance against "This Troper":
- Dana finally getting fed up with Uncle Bill.
Dana: God, Next!Uncle Bill: I thought we were just hanging out...Dana: NEXT!!
Episode 4: Dumbass Has a Point
- Dana bringing the guys cold pizza when she returns from getting dinner. A really nice, friendly gesture. Except that there's only one small slice left in the box.
- Zack using Buffy Speak.
- "This is not unimpressive." "This is not me sleeping."
- "That was unwatchable."
Tom: (to Dana) Look, if you keep assuming that someone can't do anything right, sooner or later, you're gonna be proven wrong.Zack: Yeah!Tom: God, I wish I had some duct tape right now.Zack: Why?Tom: To shut you up!Dana: To be a "dumbass with a point", you need to have a point, dumbass.Tom: Trope still applies.Dana: Does not.
Episode 5: Unresolved Sexual Tension
- This gem:
- After Dana realizes Tom is flirting with her for insulting Zack.
Dana: Tom... *takes his hands, smiles fondly* I hate you.
- The gag of confusing their characters and themselves, especially:
Dana: Do we have sexual tension?
Tom: [Freezes like a rabbit in the headlights.]
- Just seeing Tom and Dana on the same bed, even though Dana already stated outright she dislikes Tom.
- "Bend over backwards to accomodate me!"
- Also, "Why do you hate me?!"
Episode 6: Psycho Ex-Girlfriend
- Tom: "I mean have you seen her [Shannon's] boobs, Dana?"Dana: "No, Tom. No, I haven't."Tom: "They're so good."
- And later:
Shannon: "Shut up, you just don't know anything about love."Dana: "Oh no, my heart, she breaks. *Traces the outline of a teardrop down her cheek*Tom: "I was writing what I know."Zack: "Hah...that's why it's bad because you don't ah...you don't know a lot."Zack: "Hey Dana? I followed you all day with my camera because I love you."Dana: "That's nice, Zack." (goes inside)Zack: "Aww...why doesn't she like me? It's like she couldn't even see my boner!"
- On why Tom has suddenly become rather sanguine regarding Shannon.
Dana: "So...your stalker friended me on Facebook, by the way."Tom: "Oh, you mean my Ex?"Dana: "No Tom, I mean your stalker. An Ex is someone you run into at parties and pretend not to notice. And this is waaay creepier than that."Tom: "Huh..."Dana: "What do you mean 'Huh'?! A few days ago you were scared shitless of this girl...what...What is there to think about? If a guy were doing this to me I'd..."[Long Beat]Dana: "You started sleeping with her again, didn't you?"
Episode 7: Walk and Talk
- At the beginning:
Tom: "Zack, I thought we were playing 'Shut the Fuck Up'."
Zack: "I always lose at this game!"
Zack: Wait, was [the guy from Blue's Clues] the blue one, or was the dog??
Episode 8: Romantic False Lead
- Zack talking about his dead cat in The Stinger.
Dana: Tom, find someone else. Date... someone else. Sleep with anyone else.
Zack: Not "it"!
- "Don't go, we still have more scenes to shoot! Also, I love you..."
- Dana's nickname for Shannon is "Crazyfuck McStalkerson".
- Zack: "Wait, is the pegleg like a stripper pole?"
Zack: Would you love me if I gave you candy?
Zack: A unicorn?
Zack: What about my undying love?
Episode 9: Did You Think I Can't Feel?
- Zack's line at the end of the episode, referring to Dana and Tom:
....Just fuck, already... Jesus!
- Or Zack's line at The Stinger:
"[Nervously] Why are you looking at me?"
Episode 10: Mysterious Employer
- Zack wondering where the toilet is in the Administrator's domain.
Zack: Well actually, I wanted to know where the bathroom i...
- The Administrator getting mad at Tom for Dana's lecture.
- The Zack sock puppet.
- Zack using the Dana sock puppet.
Tom: He got angry at me. Why did he get angry at me?Zack: It's your face. I get angry just looking at it.
- Writing a new episode:
Tom: So, should we be arguing, or...?Dana: No, we can't just be us.
Episode 1: Always Someone Better
- People can't help but crack up whenever Ace says "gurt". Including the Administrator.
- Dana and Tom trying to figure out how they should go about their second season.
Dana: Ah success. You're a fickle slut.
- Tom literally tries to Grow the Beard. Cut to Dana shoving him into the bathroom with a razor.
Episode 2: The Ace
- The Call-Back at the beginning:
Tom: Where are we going?Dana: Somewhere specific.
- Dana's reasoning for getting a new character.
Tom: We're talking about my character, right?Dana: ...no.
Episode 3: A Day in the Limelight
- Zack's text message: "...kinda borrowed her car lolol how do i stop".
Episode 5: Chekhov's Gun
- Zack's complete misunderstanding of what a Chekhov's Gun is, while Tom makes the understanding worse. It culminates in Zack pointing an actual gun at Tom, and runs off from him while he tries to take off a striped shirt, thinking it will kill him.
Episode 6: Forgotten Birthday
- Zack's present to Dana of his dead cat in a box.
Dana: (Throws box away after looking inside) How long has that been dead?!?Zack: Do you mean in cat years or people years?
Episode 7: Noir Episode
- The Private Eye Monologue, especially the one at the beginning.
- The Stinger. Turns out it wasn't Deliberately Monochrome. Zack just couldn't find the color button.
Episode 8: Tyrant Takes the Helm
- Zach walking in on Umphrey in the toilet.
- A confused Umphrey putting his finger through one of the holes in the newspaper from last episode.
- Zack calling Mr. Umphrey "Mr. Umbridge".
Episode 11: Coming-of-Age Story:
- "WHO ARE YOU?!"
Episode 12: Mind Screw
- At the end, Administrator Prime and all his clones vanish... except for one, who then complains he "doesn't know how to do that."
- "Connecting to Administrator Prime" .......404
Mr. Administrator: Curses. Stupid. Proprietary. CHAT! CLIENT!
Outside the series
From Zack's Character Blog Twitter account:
- "Just finished washing Tom's car. He didn't think it was funny. (I did)... To be fair, I cleaned his car with my pee. And the windows were open. And he was in it."
- "I like bacon! Who else likes bacon? I like bacon in my nose! Who else likes bacon in my nose? Bacon. It goes in noses."
- "Just found the journal I kept when I was seven. Best quote: 'if i am what i eat i think i am boogers'"
- "How is there not already a Fishbook? You know... Facebook but for fishes? Why has this not happened?! D:"
- "Tom called Dana a matryoshka doll because she's so short (I guess?). Is there a taller Dana running around somewhere?"
- "Saw that scary girl Shannon again. She had her face mushed up against the window. I tried telling Tom but he threw crickets at me."
- "I think I might have maybe kind of almost set the bathroom on fire?"
- "I haven't seen Dave in a few days. I wonder if he got stuck in the sewer again. He likes to chase rats."
- "Carried my camera through the Batman set - somebody tried to take it. I came at him like a monkey!"
- "I found a penny on the ground! It was glued there, but I kept trying to pick it up anyway. Then I remembered I glued it there."
- "I drew a face on my toilet in Sharpie. It looks angry haha! But now I regret doing it. I feel bad. I really should have made it look shocked."
- "I wonder if Dana would want a present...specifically the wig I found on the side of the road today."
- "Have you seen TV Tropes's Echo Chamber? It's like a web show within a web show wrapped in bacon."
- "What? That's not how it happened! Now Tom's just making stuff up. He didn't even mention the thing with the bacon!"
- "Holy crap! I just realized bacon used to be pigs! How long has this been true? D:"
- "When I woke up, there was ANOTHER PINEAPPLE."
- "Pigs are made of TURKEY??! Then is a turducken really a pigducken? I'm so confused. And scared."
- "I wonder, if I leave bacon out, will it turn BACK into a pig? One way to find out!"
- "My fingernails taste like cookies :D"
- "Apparently you can retweet stuff? Wow! It's like technology and something else had a baby! (I couldn't think of a something else.)"
- "Asked dad about the earthquake. He said it happened because I touch myself :( How does he always know?"
- "Roadkill game: I lost score, but today I ran over a bottle of laundry detergent. Now dad's car is clean and pine-scented!"
- "We're out of bacon...worst day ever." "DAD BROUGHT HOME THE BACON! Worst day ever: averted."
- "Peanut butter is DELICIOUS."
- "Soooooo week old bacon does NOT become a pig again. It becomes a hospitalized Dave. Myth: busted!"
- "Ultimate challenge: Peanut butter and bacon. WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS BEFORE?"
- "Found Dave in a closet today. Figured there should be some kind of joke there but I just couldn't think of anything."
- "Did I always have this creepy troll doll in my underwear drawer? Where did it come from?!" #ohgodsoscared
- "I got halfway to middle school today before I realized I grew up. Then I woke up. Then I actually went to middle school. They made me leave."
- "Ha! I watched a pot today! It boiled! To be fair, it was already boiling. But I still feel like I accomplished something today."
- "Note to self: Red Bull does NOT give you wings. Remember that before you try to fly off your house next time, self. Ow."
- "Dad got a package labeled "BOMB". He didn't want to open it, so I did. Inside was a turd and a note saying "Ha ha". Thanks, Uncle Bill!"
- "Tom keeps sending me long lists of things I "need" to "do". Good thing God granted me a spam folder!"
- "Dana is talking so much I think she's on a sugar high or something."
- "Taught myself the marimba. Didn't have real drumsticks, so I used chicken drumsticks. The middle school janitor heard me and kicked me out."
- "We've got auditions tomorrow. Guess that means I should help Tom. No, wait that's the coffee talking."
- Halloween entry: "Tom says I should be myself today and that's scary enough. I told him to look in a mirror."
- "I can't tell if Tom is thinking or hit his head. He makes the same face for everything."
- "Tom's talking about music. I wish he'd stop humming. It's creepy."
- "I ENVY NO MAN! Only Spongebob, and even then only occasionally."
- "It's too cold out to be sweaty. Also, my blood was replaced with red slurpie years ago."
- "I got tangled up in Christmas lights today and somebody thought I was a Christmas tree."
- "Apparently stuffing is *not* turkey poop. Good to know."
- "Christmas ornaments that look like cookies don't taste very good. Weird."
- "Roadkill game: I ran over a sandwich today. It was roast beef, so it's kind of like roadkill."
- "I wonder if this cranberry sauce is okay. It's starting to smell like my socks."
- "Note to followers: If you drop a banana on the floor, only eat it if you haven't peeled it already."
- "Fell asleep under a tree- somebody put me in a box."
- "My shoulders ache. Either I slept bad, or someone switched my arms while I was sleeping."
- "Chocolate comes in boxes, right? I think I found some chocolate in this old box on the sidewalk. It smells kind of bad, though. (later) Nope not chocolate. I think it was raccoon poop."
- "Dave is sick today. I'm going to cure him...with SCIENCE!"
- "I keep falling asleep under bushes and then birds try to nest in my hair. Kind of rude."
- "You know what makes ham sandwiches better? Taking the ham off, and the bread, and eating the cheese."
- "I was sick, but now I'm not! Time for cartwheels!"
- "What? A new comedy about an unemployed guy? I CAN RELATE."
- "Chocolate sauce and peanut butter sandwich. The question is not "Why" but "WHY ISN'T EVERYBODY DOING THIS""
From Shannon's Character Blog (found here)
- When will they understand that everything would be so much better if I were in it? And writing it? And directing it?
- The title of the first post is: My first blog post! Oh my god, I'm so talented!
- Anything you can do...
Iím going to show him that no matter what that Dana girl does, Iíll do better. They want to have a fight by a pond? Well, he and I will have an even BIGGER fight by an even PRETTIER pond!
- Shannon appears to have gone right off the deep end of crazy:
[Following Zack] And how did he notice me in the first place, seeing as Iíve been wearing nothing but camouflage since the whole operation began? I might have to get my roller skates out of the closet so I can keep up with him.