(storms out, knocking stuff from the wall like he doesn't know what he's doing, and grabs his crotch)
Walter: WIPE DOWN THIS!
Jesse trying to call Walt in the second episode after finding Krazy-8 still alive in the RV. Happens while Walt is having breakfast with his family. The whole phone conversation must be seen to be believed:
Jesse(over the answering machine): Hello, Mr. White. This is AT&T calling. Are you happy with your current long distance service? Because if you're not, I would definitely, really really love to talk to you as soon as possible about...
Walt: Listen, I am having breakfast with my family right now, and I really don't appreciate these sales call.
The wonderbra conversation that occurs while Walt is trying to ignore the phone must not be forgotten, either. It's the faces of all concerned that sells it. It's cringe comedy gold.
Jesse's answering machine message and Skyler's reaction to it.
YO YO YO 1-4-8 3 TO THE 3 TO THE 6 TO THE 9, REPRESENTIN' THE ABQ, WADDUP, BI-ATCH?! Leave it at the tone.
Skyler, in the same episode, goes on the internet to identify Jesse after he made the call to Walt. What she finds is his Myspace-esque webpage with hilariously awful rap music, playing in the background.
After Walt tells Skyler that Jesse is his pot dealer, she goes to his house to confront him - just when he's in the process of moving Emilio's body from the RV to his house.
Jesse: Look, lady, whatever you're selling, I ain't buying, yo.
Skyler: Well, my name is Skyler White, yo. My husband is Walter White, yo. He told me everything.
Skyler: That's right. And just so you know, my brother-in-law is a DEA agent. And I will not hesitate to call him. Not if I have to. Understood? This is your one and only warning. Do not sell marijuana to my husband.
Skyler: I mean it. Don't call our house again. You stay away from him, or you'll be one sorry individual. You got me?
Jesse: Uh, yeah, yeah. I think so, yeah. No more... marijuana. I can, I can dig it.
Skyler: You can dig it. Wonderful.
Walt and Jesse stealing chemicals, carrying a 90 gallon drum between them wearing bobble-headed ski masks while alarms are sounding, the security guard they locked in a porta-john is beating on the door to get out and the little red light on the guard's golf cart is still flashing.
Hank later sees a video tape of this incident and spends a good deal of time snarking about how stupid they are.
Hank: Look at this, they're smart enough to use thermite to cut through the lock, but they didn't think to bring a handcart? Try rolling it, morons! It's a barrel! It rolls!
The montage of Walt attempting to roll a joint in the first season certainly qualifies.
In the second episode of the first season, when Walt and Jesse have Krazy-8 chained to a pipe in Jesse's basement. He wakes up and asks Walt for water. Walt slides over two jugs of water, a plate with a sandwich and potato chips, a bucket, a roll of toilet paper, and a bottle of hand sanitizer.
Hank's comeback during the "Operation Breathmint" exchange at the beginning of episode 4.
Jesse underestimating how important the plastic bin part was in dissolving a body with acid: a Bloody Hilarious result.
Badger pretty much has one in every scene he's in.
The DEA are trying to question Tio, asking him if Jesse was at Tuco's house the day all hell broke loose. They know Tio can understand them, and they know he can ring his bell to answer questions. However, Tio just does not want to cooperate...so instead of answering, he leans forward and takes the loudest, wettest shit EVER.
Also earlier in that scene, Jesse says that Tio doesn't even know on which planet he is. Gomie's response is to ask him is he on Mars or Saturn. He "says" no.
Aaron Paul's perfect delivery of the line: "A robot?"
From the same episode, Walt and Jesse's exchange on what they would use to conduct the battery's electricity.
Walt: What element comes to mind? (waves wire) Hmm?
Walter blocking the cops' view of the deal going down between Badger and "Heisenberg" in season 2.
In "4 Days Out", when Walt orders Jesse to buy supplies:
Jesse: Go shopping yourself. I got plans.
Walt: Smoking marijuana, eating Cheetos, and masturbating do not constitute plans in my book.
Walter: Jesse, look at me, you are a blowfish.
Hank: (Mocking Drug Dealers praying to Jesús Malverde) Eh, Senor Santo no DEA please, man!
The premiere features one scene with some real comedic undertones, namely when Skyler speaks with Hank about Marie's shoplifting.
Skyler: (takes a deep breath) Marie is a shoplifter, Hank. That's right. That baby tiara she gave me at the shower? She stole it from Gertrude Zachary's. Yeah. I almost got arrested when I went back to return it. And Marie won't admit it. She won't apologize.
Walt's line doubles as a Call Back to season one, episode two, when Jesse chides him with the exact same line (i.e., after Walt lied to Skyler about Jesse giving him weed to cover up his and Jesse's illicit activities, Skyler goes to Jesse's house to leave his husband alone and stop dealing drugs).
Also, after Walt leaves and Jesse and Jane are left to wonder what to do with the money, there's this little gem:
Jesse: Is New Zealand a part of Australia?
Walt on Jesse's junk food intake:
How are you even alive?
In "Green Light", after trying to talk Ted into letting him into his office, Walt begins dragging a potted plant towards his window when Skyler appears on the stairs and asks him what he's doing. Walt's reply is simply "I'm trying to talk to Ted." He then throws the plant at the glass, only for it to crack and fall to the ground without breaking it. Walt mutters dejectedly "Damn it."
Walter meeting with Gus to inform him he's not the gullible type that would get offended by Gus accepting Jesse's product instead of his own, when in fact that's exactly what Walt was feeling.
When Jesse is getting out of the hospital in "One Minute." The orderly pushes his wheelchair to the curb and Jesse lights a cigarette.
Orderly: If you want to smoke you need to be another 20 feet from the door.
Jesse: So roll me further, bitch.
Jesse and co.'s selling meth at a support group through Bad Bad Acting.
Jesse asking Walt to pass along his best wishes when Hank has been shot days after viciously beating up Jesse.
Jesse: Yo, tell your douchebag brother in law to head towards the light.
Speaking of said beatdown, when Saul visits Jesse at the hospital, he attempts to cheer him up with some very poor-in taste jokes.
Jesse complains, "What's the good of being an outlaw if you've got responsibilities?" Which prompts Badger to point out "Darth Vader had responsibilities. He was responsible for the Death Star."
Skyler offers to pay Hank's medical bills, and starts spinning a story to Marie about Walt winning a bunch of money gambling. Walt leans in closer at the exact same time Marie does, just as desperate as her to hear where the story's going.
She also uses this as an opportunity to paint Walt in the baddest light possible (saying how he got so "obsessed" with it and at one stage used their pension fund), knowing he can't correct or contradict her.
The school holds a meeting so everyone can discuss their feelings regarding the plane crash. Starts with the skeevy kid from the last season trying to get an automatic A for the year, moves on with the counselor telling a girl who asked why God would allow this kind of tragedy to "keep it secular," and finally ends with Walter giving a pathetic and unconsciously self-justifying monologue to the entire school in an effort to convince himself he's not at fault. This must be one of the most uncomfortably hilarious scenes ever written.
The Cold Open for "Caballo Sin Nombre": Walt gets pulled over for driving with a cracked windshield. He tries to get out of a ticket by talking about the Wayfarer collision and how it damaged his property. Walt grows increasingly frustrated as the police officer asks him to calm down and sit in his car. Instead, Walt gets out and confronts the officer, claiming that "hellfire rained down on my house!" He gets in the officer's face, shouting... cut to a heavily pepper-sprayed Walt being placed in the officer's car.
After Hank continues his Heroic BSOD in the hospital after getting shot, Marie bets that if she could give him an erection, he would finally see that he is fit to leave the hospital and go home. Marie wins, cuing a Gilligan Cut of Marie wheeling a silent Hank out of the hospital.
Saul's reasoning of how he convinced a woman he was Kevin Costner: "And it worked, because I believed it!"
Walt banging his head on the counter as he races to stop Skyler from talking about their car wash plan on his answering machine. Fridge Brilliance: There was really no reason to worry, as the whole point of buying the car wash is so their income appears legitimate, and recorded discussions of it beforehand would actually help as long as the money laundering itself isn't mentioned.
Walt telling Gale he doesn't want to work with him anymore. The scene feels more like an awkward breakup than the end of a partnership.
Walter: It's as if I'm classical, and you are more... jazz.
From the same scene: Gale trying to remain calm and dignified while Jesse shouts and gushes about the superlab in the background.
To quote Jesse (regarding the lab) "It's all shiny up in here".
The Binge Montage in Season 3, where we find what Jesse and co. really did with that money that Jesse was going to use to buy an RV. It's just five minutes of Jesse, Badger, Combo and Skinny Pete having their pictures taken with strippers and finding elaborate ways to throw away their money at the local strip club.
Jesse:Hey, yo! Yo! You got champagne? None of that cheap shit, I want the expensive stuff! Dom Perig... Perignon. Waitress: It's $400 a bottle. Jesse: Oh. Well, in that case... I'll only have two.
Saul: At times like this, we ask ourselves deep questions: Is there a God? How could He let this happen? Who did this to me? Who can I sue?
Skyler's cover story of Walt being a chronic gambler. She does this to explain how Walt made so much money and why they had "marital strife" earlier in the season. The true clincher in this is Walt leaning in the same as Marie in dumbstruck shock over the story.
When Hank tries to break into Jesse's RV, Jesse gives us this gem:
"This is my own private domicile and I will not be harassed (beat) bitch!"
Skyler weaving a tapestry of BS to get a locksmith to let her into Walt's apartment, eventually even faking a panic attack.
Jesse's exasperated "not again" face as he pulls out some acid to destroy Victor's body, and Mike's amusement at their attempts to get it into the container.
He also speaks his first words in the episode - "trust us" when Mike asks if it will work. And Jesse, of all people, KNOWS it will work.
Anything involving Jesse's Roomba and people's reactions to it.
"Did that just happen?"
The beginning of "Shotgun" becomes this after a while. The episode begins with a Crowning Momentof Awesome for Walt, with him driving like a madman to save Jesse, who he presumes is en route to his own execution. Then, he walks into a Los Pollos Hermanos joint and demands from the manager to see Gustavo Fring, immediately. After a while, it turns out his badassitude was barely acknowledged by anyone in the fast-food and then Mike and Jesse phone him, asking an out-of-his-mind Walter what the hell he's doing in the most bored way possible.
YMMV. Jesse might be bored, but at that point, he seems more resigned than anything. It's not that he doesn't think Mike is going to kill him — after all, he doesn't act too surprised when Walt asks whether Mike is holding him at gunpoint. It's that he doesn't care.
Plus, his notes include not only meth formulas, but vegan s'more recipes, lists of the best recumbent bikes, indoor composting tips, a Ron Paul sticker, and a Far Side cartoon.
The montage of Jesse bored out of his mind while making pickups with Mike in "Shotgun".
"So, I figured out your brilliant plan to get rid of me. You're going to bore me to death."
This rant from Walt in "Bullet Points" is just hilarious
Then what else should I not worry about, Saul, hm? Should I not worry that Gus plans to murder me at the first chance he gets? Should I not worry that my drug-addicted partner doesn't seem to care whether he lives or dies? You should see his house. It's like skid row! He has actual hobos living there! Now how long before Gus decides that he's too big of a risk? That guy Mike, that grunting dead-eyed cretin, sucker punching me in the face! I've got Gus wielding a box cutter! I mean...Western Union! Message received! Let me ask you, when did this stop being a business, hm? Why am I the only person capable of behaving in a professional manner?
Walt and Skyler rehearsing the gambling story. Doubles as a Tear Jerker at times, since it shows how much in denial Walt is about his life of crime and how much of a divide there is between them at this point.
Skyler breaking a coat hanger rod attempting to hide Walt's drug money in vacuum-sealed laundry bags, followed by her letting out a quiet "Walt!"
Skyler's Obfuscating Stupidity to keep Ted out of prison, acting like a dumb blonde who was only in charge of finances because she slept with Ted.
Tyrus shipping Walt into the meth lab in dirty laundry. Walt asks if it had to be dirty. Tyrus responds with a quick, quiet "no".
I think Walt and Tyrus had some serious love/hate chemistry, without the love.
Walt doesn't get it in his head that $20,000 (later $25,000) to fix a broken glass door is a demand for a bribe.
He eventually gets it. That's when she ups it to 25.
Upon this realization, Walt gets up close to the secretary's face - seemingly about to launch a verbal attack - only to mutter "I'll be right back" and hurriedly stumble through the broken door.
The strippers running off with silverware and goods after the cartel bosses keel over in "Salud".
Tio struggling to get his nurse to understand that he wants to talk to the DEA ("Dea ain't a word!"), then using his laborious communication method to simply deliver crude insults ("S-U-C-K M-Y—"; "F-U-C—").
Walt's magnetized bomb sticking to an elevator door, followed by "Did you just bring a bomb into a hospital?"
Jesse's hideously awkward attempts at small talk over dinner with Walt and Skyler. "Whatever happened to truth in advertising?"
Made even more hilarious when he drank from his glass of water for a solid 30 seconds when Skyler mentioned the affair with Ted.
"Hey Mrs. White. Vamonos."
"It's the universal symbol for keys."
If we're quoting Mike:
Joe: Keep your credit cards away from the magnet! Want to make sure they still work when Miller Time comes around.
Mike: I can think of a few different ways this scenario could possibly end, and none of them involve Miller Time.
Mike instructing Lydia about what he will do if she botches a DEA phone call and explaining to her the difference between "pistol" and "gun".
Mike explaining why he wouldn't lead the cops to their headquarters, like he's talking to a five year old.
Mike strikes again, telling Walt they're gonna spend the whole night in the office, "like it's my birthday."
Mike in the very first scene of his in "Live Free or Die" has him feeding some bullying chickens and calmly but seriously saying "Wendell doesn't eat, nobody eats"
Mike even cracks Walt and Jesse up when he's going over instructions with the pest control crew and he tells them to refer to Walt as "Yes sir" and Jesse as "No sir"
Mike watching TV while the Police search his house.
Mike's most classic line to Walt in "Buyout."
Mike: You know, I have never seen anybody work so hard not to get 5 million dollars.
Lydia's introductory scene, with her pitiful attempts at cloak-and-dagger antics while meeting with Mike.
Hell, whenever she tries to act inconspicuous.
Walt and Walt Jr. buying cars.
A big part of it is Rian Johnson's absurdly over-the-top direction, repeatedly panning back and forth between them long after we've gotten the point, all to illustrate their adolescent mindset over the whole thing.
Saul, when showing Walt, Jesse, and Mike different places where they can cook, drives up to a location that's met with a no from both Walt and Jesse. Cut to a shot showing what the place is: Lazer Base, the laser tag joint last seen in Season 3.
Jesse attempting to get Walt and Mike's attention for his magnet idea, followed by his mimed explanation of it.
And then Walt goes a little overboard making sure they fry the laptop, turning up the magnet's power until the van is knocked over.
Old Joe musing about genital piercings.
Skinny Pete plays a beautiful classical piece on a keyboard... and then Badger comes in with tuneless caterwauling on a two neck guitar.
What sells the moment is Pete's exasperated body language when Badger is playing. Then he looks up, rock-on face, and Pete fakes enthusiasm.
Jesse referring to the old RV they used to cook meth inside as the "Crystal Ship."
Gomez's face when he catches the lawyer paying off Mike's guys in the bank vault.
Gomez:(wearing shit-eating grin) Hey.
Badger's Star Trek script. With script being a massive stretch of the word.
Including a mistake that will make Trekkies squirm, when Skinny Pete describes Voyager as being in the Gamma Quadrant.
Another small one is describing the original series as having replicators. It's unclear if this mistake was intentional or not. Considering this is Badger we're talking about though, the possibilities are high.
Walt is unimpressed with Saul's suggestion in re: Hank: "Send him to Belize...I'll send you to Belize."
Huell, to quote Kuby, "Channeling Scrooge McDuck" by using Walter's money as a bed.
Todd steering Lydia through a maze of bodies, as her high heels sink into the sand.
The unbearably tense meeting between Walt, Skyler, Hank, and Marie being occasionally broken up by an obnoxiously cheerful waiter.
Made even funnier by several comments on the Breaking Bad Facebook page reading "I am the one who guacs!!!!!"
When Walt, Jesse, and Saul having a secret meeting in the desert it takes all of one sentence from Walt's mouth to make Saul's go from ranting to Jesse a mile-a-minute to sitting quietly in the background, like a child being sent to the corner, for the rest of the scene.
Walt retrieving his gun from the car wash. He zooms into a parking space and races for the door, then abruptly stops and enters completely calm. Followed by giving Skyler the most half-assed excuses imaginable for why he's there, and why he then has to leave. It's quite satisfying seeing the once-invincible Magnificent Bastard reduced to this.
Hank's method of testing a wire signal: "Pancho Villa, Salma Hayek. Pancho Villa, Salma Hayek. You gettin' that?" Gomie's response: "Loud and clear, idiota."
Walter Jr. coming up with a better lie than Walt to explain the house being covered in gasoline, completely by accident. And Walt's planet-sized pride still won't let him drop his own idea.
Walt referring to Badger and Skinny Pete as "Beaver and... what's his name".
Kuby: For three hours straight all he (Badger) talked about was something called Babylon 5.
Jesse all but confirming what part of the fandom already thinks:
Jesse: Yeah, no, Mr. White's gay for me. Everyone knows that.
Extremely dark humor, but Marie's conversation with her therapist about untraceable poisons.
Especially funny when you take into account that the person she is fantasizing about poisoning is Walt, who is probably the best person to ask about untraceable poisons.
Walt walking into the carwash with Holly to find Saul Goodman chatting with his wife and son, and immediately turning back around and leaving. Adding to that, Junior was starstruck by Saul Goodman when he enters the car wash.
Todd using "Blinded Me with Science" as his ringtone.
Specifically his ringtone for Walt, since "Felina" shows that he uses a different one for Lydia.
Gomez calling Jesse "Timmy Dipshit."
Todd's shooting face during the shootout at the end of 'To'hajiilee'. It's just so... well look◊.
Times are getting' hard, boy; money's gettin' scarce Times gonna get no better, boys; gonna leave this place Take my true love by the hand; lead her through the town Say goodbye to everyone, goodbye to everyone. Had a job a year ago, had a little home Now I've got no place to go, guess I'll have to roam.
Even in the intense midst of "Ozymandias," and despite his complicity in Hank's death, Todd finds time to give Walt a seemingly genuine yet incredibly inappropriate "Sorry for your loss."
As Walt rolls his barrel of money through the desert he rolls past a pair of pants. Wordof God confirms these are, in fact, the same pants he lost in the pilot.
In "Granite State", Walt's only DVD choices in his isolated New Hampshire cabin are two copies of Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. Truly a level of Hell that Dante never imagined.
Also from Granite State, Saul's surprise that his "Disappearer" actually does sell vacuum cleaners.
This little conversation from the end of "Granite State"
Walter: I'd like to speak to the man in charge of the Walter White case.
Operator: Who is this?
Walter: Walter White.
After the horrifically sad and heartbreaking ending of "Ozymandias," the first we see of Walt in "Granite State" is a silent video feed of him pacing around, griping to himself, and angrily slapping a ceiling lamp. Yup, seems about right.
In "Granite State" seeing Jack and the other neo-nazis make fun of Todd for having a crush on Lydia
When Ed walks in on Walt attempting to browbeat Saul into continuing to work with him:
Ed: Everything good?
Saul: (without any air in his throat) Define "good."
Walt triumphantly getting the car to work after finding the keys in the beginning of "Felina" with "El Paso" playing. Mundane Made Awesome.
Extremely dark example, but once you learn that the "hitmen" arranged for Gretchen and Elliott are Skinny Pete and Badger using laser pointers, the scene at the Schwartz house. You can tell Walt is enjoying himself a little bit too much.
Walt suddenly walking into the background as Todd and Lydia have breakfast, neither of them noticing until he pulls up a chair.
Jack's reaction to seeing Walt with hair. First he refuses to believe it's not a wig, then he compliments it.
Jack: Christ, that is one fine head of hair. I mean, otherwise you look like shit, but- Walt:Hello to you too, Jack.
Jack's reaction to Kenny asking "where do you want [me to shoot] him?"
Jack: Yeah, thanks. Anywhere but my living room would be fine. Jesus.
Another gem from Jack, albeit a dark example; his over-the-top sarcasm at the accusation that Jesse is his "partner":
Jack: Does this look like a partner to you? Take a look at him. Have a gander. He's my partner. Right, partner? Right, buddy? Hard working good partner! Fifty-fifty partner!