Quotes / Most Definitely Not a Villain

On works

Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest. But I'm not an alien!

— Tom Servo, speaking for Exeter while watching This Island Earth, Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie

Standing at the railing is none other than Telly Savalas dressed up in a truly horrifying costume: He's all done up in a white polyester leisure suit, white shoes, and shiny black mock turtleneck... Telly introduces himself as 'Dr.' Stefan Svevo of the 'medical rescue ship' Irene. Uh huh. Svevo describes his henchmen as "paramedics", which is probably the biggest laugh to be had in this film.

—The Agony Booth recaps Beyond The Poseidon Adventure (1979)

Cid says he feels "betrayed" and wishes he could go back in time and never accept NORG's money in the first place. Oh, come on, who wouldn't trust a screaming, two-ton pile of butter with six-foot-long finger claws and neck flab you could lose a battleship in? He could've suckered anybody.

—Noah Antwiler on Final Fantasy VIII

Fiction

"Hello, friends. I am a perfectly normal human worm-baby. You have nothing, absolutely nothing, to fear from me, so just ignore everything I say and we'll get along just fine."

— Invader Zim

Guard-bot #2: Be you robot or human?
Leela: Robot... we be.
Fry: Uh, yup. Just two robots out robot-ing it up!
(Fry begins shoddily dancing The Robot)

— Futurama, "Fear of a Bot Planet"

Liandrin: Soon we will capture al'Thor's friends on Toman Head, and then he will be ours! Then the Great Lord will rule the known world!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Moiraine: Did you say something?
Liandrin: No. Go Light.

— The Wheel of Time parody summaries (The Great Hunt)

Sabine (disguised as a police officer): He was just speaking to me, a police officer, about his brother Nale's treatment in prison.
Nale (disguised as Elan): Right! Because I am Elan, and I am foolishly and inexplicably merciful to enemies who would gladly butcher me, against the better judgement of my allies.
Vaarsuvius: Hmmm. Well, that certainly is one of your more puzzling qualities. Very well.

— The Order of the Stick

"We are looking for a particular robot. A... fellow robot. Because we are also robots."

—Antimony Carver, disguised as a robot, Gunnerkrigg Court

"Yes, I am your friend. I run a non-demon restaurant here in your space-time manifold, of which I am a native."

— Demon-Jame, Terror Island

"My name is Dr. Alex Brisbane. I'm definitely not a villain."

— Yu-Gi-Oh: Cr@psule Monsters

"He's a very very nice man, and he said he would never ever Double-Cross anyone, and to prove that, he sent me a nice basket of dog biscuits for me to eat. Yummy!"

— Your officer, regarding Sergeant Kilmore, Heart of Evil

"NOT EVIL!"

— Cinder Fall, RWBY Chibi

"GUARDS! There is a traitor among us! And I swear it's not me!"

— The Great Pope, Les Chevaliers du Zodiaque : La Série Abrégée

The man waiting is not a cultist. He is just another ordinary citizen. Wearing a silken blindfold. In a few years, perhaps everyone will be wearing them.

— Sunless Sea

Phil: Hmm, maybe you have a point. We should do a background check on this guy.

Sherry: Well, I think it's pretty obvious that he's Malifios.

Phil: You there! What's your name?

Malifios: I am Robert Vylan. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Phil: See, he's not Mal-what's-her-face, he's, uh, Rob-something. I say we hire him.

—The Nightly News at Nine, "Out of Bonds"

Renji: Josh "the-joke-is-that-you're-not-Aizen" Groban, can I talk to you?
Aizen: Yes, I'm not evil, what do you need?

—Bleach (S) Abridged

"Sorry you had to see that, but you know how it is when you get those, uh, manly urges, and you just gotta kill somethin'... fix things, uh, cook outdoors..."

—The very much female Fa Mulan, Mulan

"I've got a name. Ha! And it's a boy's name, too!"

—Fa Mulan, Mulan

"I'm... I'm the Great Stone Dragon. Good morning! I will go forth and fetch Mulan. Did... Did I mention that I was the Great Stone Dragon?"

—Mushu, Mulan

I'm definitely not an impostor
If I was, then I wouldn't be one
'Cause I'm not one
Even if I was, I wouldn't say that I wasn't
'Cause I'm not
It's impossible
Implausible
I'm an impostor impostor
Obviously I'm not an impostor
Honest to God
I should toss y'all like a rotten salad
Any evidence against me, far from valid
Like, I'd never snap your neck
Or stab your back
Or crawl up through the smallest vent, attack!
An impostor's a role I could never fulfill
If you don't believe me, ask the guy that I just killed

—Impostor Imperceptible, an Among Us rap

Shannon Bell: Can you tell us what tribe this is?
Indian Chief: We are Indians.
Bell: Yes... I can see that, but can you tell us...
Chief: You don't believe we are Indians?
Bell: No, all...
Chief: We have teepees!
Bell: Yes, I see, but...
Chief: Look at all these teepees we have... Because, we are... Indians!

—Cannibal! The Musical

The Trustworthy One: Salutations, Other Species. I am known as "the Trustworthy" aka "the Reliable" aka "the Undeceiving" aka "the Very Nice Creature That Wants To Trade With You". (...) (F)or I am Very Nice, also, would you like to trade? Both our societies would surely benefit from our...mutual discovery of one another...
Kitten: Oh! Certainly!
The Trustworthy One: YES. I HAVE NO ULTERIOR MOTIVES.
Kitten: What a strange thing to say!

—If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device Special 7: Space Game Pain

Mordechai Carver: Now, the key of undercover work... is to blend in, OK? You act as a gentile would.
Esther: Right.
Samples Woman: Could I interest you in a free-sample bacon cheeseburger?
Esther: *gasps*
Mordechai: Um, well, I thank you, gentile friend, for your generous offer of that... *deliciously* unkosher snack. I... sadly have to decline... for I already stuffed myself full of milk and meat products at a previous lunch engagement.

—The Hebrew Hammer

I'm Queen Watevra Wa'nabi!
The most least evil person you'll ever meet!
And if you make eye contact with me,
I totally won't have you executed immediately,
'Cuz that'd be evil! (Evil!)
And that's so not me!

—Queen Watevra Wa'nabi, The LEGO Movie 2: The Second Part, "Not Evil"

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