- Gordon's "The Reason You Suck" Speech to West after they were chased by the giant saws.West: Gordon, what's your plan for getting this thing off my neck?Gordon: Excuse me?West: Well, that's what you're here for, right? You're the master of this mechanical stuff.Gordon: -laughs- Oh ho ho, I see. Now I'm the master of the mechanical stuff. As opposed to five minutes ago, when I was calmly and coolly trying to find a solution to this very problem. But then something happened. Someone, who will remain nameless — JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEST!!! — decided to jump over the wire, thereby providing us with that exhilarating romp through the cornfield, and that death-defying leap into the abysmal muck! And here we stand, while that demented maniac is hurtling towards our President on our one and only mode of transportation, with Rita as his prisoner, armed with God-knows-what machinery of mass destruction, with the simple intention of overturning our government and taking over the country!West: Gordon, I think you need to calm down.Gordon: I can't be calm! Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm the Master of the Mechanical STUFF! And I have to help you! You, the master of the STUPID STUFF! You want your collar off, I'll get it off! I don't have a gun, otherwise I'd shoot it off! Here, in true Jim West style, I'll just bash it with a rock!West: Gordon — you don't wanna do that.Gordon: Oh, but I do!
Gordon: ... And that would be my belt buckle.West: Gordon, when you're telling this story to your grandkids you make sure that you leave this part out.Gordon: Don't worry.
- Moments later, some Percussive Maintenance has caused West's collar - and his head along with it - to become attracted to...
- "I learned that from a China man!" West whacks the henchman in the face with a shovel and quips "I just made that up."
- The Mistaken for Gay "touch my breasts" scene on the train.West: Now touch yourself.Gordon: Oh my God, I'm hard!Coleman: ...
- Like so:West: (regarding Rita) I told you she'd be a distraction.Gordon: She's not a distraction. It's nice having her on board, she's a breath of fresh ass.West: (beat) Pardon me?Gordon: What?West: You said "ass."Gordon: No I didn't; I said "It's nice having her on board, she's a breast of fresh air."
- After having failed spectacularly at getting their collars off (at which point they landed in a stream of water):Gordon: ... oh look. My auxiliary toolkit. I'd forgotten all about it, it must've slipped out of my pocket.West: Your pocket? Why wasn't it on some spring-loaded contraption that shoots out your ass?Gordon: ... that's the first place Loveless would've looked.
- When they leave Rita at a train station, Gordon watches her through the train window. As the train pulls out, he moves to the next window down to get another glimpse.
- When the girl at the beginning shoves West's underwear in a knothole and West says "What are you doing? You can't just go ramming a man's personal things into some hole like that!"
- President Grant comes into the room to find West pointing a gun at Gordon (and he just shot it at the roof) and Gordon in disguise as Grant, a disguise which includes an airbag to make him match Grant's more portly figure. Grant proceeds to take both men down a peg.Grant: You're clever, Gordon. One day it's going to get you killed.
West: Like today.
Grant: And you, West, not every situation calls for your patented approach of shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more, and then when everybody's dead try to ask a question or two. Working together will be good for both of you.
West and Gordon: Together? Sir, I work—
Grant: You work the way your Commander-in-Chief tells you to work.
Gordon: That's what I was about to say, sir.
- When they're summarizing their assets.Gordon: We have training, we have a sense of purpose, and we have the element of surprise! So, what does Loveless have?-They crest the hill to see Loveless City-Gordon: Well... he has his own city.-Loveless' spider-mecha crests the hill in front of them and stomps over their heads-West: He has an eighty-foot tarantula.Gordon: Yes, well... I was coming to that.
- The Southern party. Especially the hanging scene.West: [whistles] I'd like to have everyone's attention for a moment. It seems we have had a series of major misunderstandings here, and... I'd like to take a minute to clear a few of them up. First of which... the whole drummin' on the boobies thing. Now, in my native land—Redneck: Georgia?West: ... Africa, we use drums to communicate between villages. And as you can see by this gal, we could communicate all the way to Baton Rouge. Hell, on a clear night, we might even get Galveston! All I was saying to the gal, was... "Hi... how you doing, my name's Jim... how's your momma..." Then there was that whole "redneck" comment. And I get the feeling y'all took that negatively. But let's break down that word, "redneck": First word, red. Color of passion, fire, power. Second word, neck... neck...-Southerners wait expectantly-West: ... okay, I can't think of anything for neck right now, but without it y'all still got red, and that's something to be proud of. And to be honest — the whole slavery thing — I don't know what the big deal is anyway. I mean — [points at random southerner] — are you really gonna get your big fat ass up out of bed and pick your own damn cotton?-Southerner looks slightly offended-West: I didn't think so. So come on y'all, let's back inside! Get ourselves some grub, kick this shindig off the right way, c'mon, let's — [indicating noose] — come on, put this — this thing away...-Southerners murmur-West: ... alright, now hold on, hold on. I stand before you as a man realizing that I have done something wrong. And I'd like to take a minute to make that right. [To woman] Will you marry me?-Big-breasted woman gasps-West: [imitates gasp] That means no. Okay, listen — would it make you feel any better if I said I thought you were a man?-Big-breasted woman faints-
- "You're in for a big surprise when you get this one in the saddle."
- One of the cyborgs that West runs into on the giant spider turns out to have blades instead of hands.Jim: Oh, so you're the one to give me my whoopin', huh?
Blade Goon: (brandishes blade out of his right hand)
Jim: (scoff) Hell, I got one of those! (stomps his foot to show off his boot-blade)
Blade Goon: (brandishes other blade out of his left hand)
Jim: ... oh... shit; Gordon only gave me one; so you mind if I get him to—
Blade Goon: (swings blades around wildly)
Jim: (wiggles boot-blade around threateningly)
- West trying to fight the cyborg with the metal cranium. He punches him in the face, which only hurts his hand. He punches him in the gut, but to no avail. He then kicks him in the crotch, which only jangles.West: ... No!
- Gordon enthusiastically discussing Rita's "assets", unaware that she has just dropped in through the train's roof and is listening to his every word.Gordon: Which is not to say Rita doesn't possess a beauty worthy of a Shakespeare sonnet or a Botticelli painting. My god, the curvature of her buttocks and the swell of that magnificent bosom. So full, so sumptous, so... [turns and notices Rita] ...what were all those foreign ministers doing at Loveless' party? This is what really puzzles me, did you have any idea there were so many, so foreign, so... [quietly to West] How long has she been here?West: Somewhere around "Botticelli's buttocks".
- Just the level of absolute resignation in Gordon's voice as he says:Gordon: And now we have to run.
- The exchange between Munitia and Loveless onboard Loveless' train.Munitia: I have them square in my sights, Sire.Loveless: *staring at her butt* As do I, Munitia. As do I.
- Rita, after seeing Jim West in action for the first time:Rita: He's so impetuous!Gordon: Yes, he's an idiot.
- When Gordon is facing execution from Loveless, he gives an impassioned request that he be shot in "the heart that loved this country so much", knowing that he's wearing one of his bullet-proof vests. Loveless's response?Loveless: Shoot him in the head.Gordon: Damn.
Funny / Wild Wild West